1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
72 -- Gifts for Children --
74 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
75 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
76 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
77 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
78 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
79 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
80 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
81 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
82 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
83 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
84 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
88 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
89 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
90 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
91 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
92 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
93 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
94 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
95 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
96 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
97 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
98 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
100 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
101 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
109 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
110 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
111 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
115 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
116 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
117 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
122 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
123 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
124 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
125 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
126 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
127 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
128 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
129 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
130 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
131 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
132 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
133 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
134 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
136 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
138 Has your family tried 'em?
142 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
144 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
145 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
149 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
150 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
151 stains that indicate freshness.
153 It's grad exam time...
155 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
156 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
157 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
158 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
159 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
162 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
163 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
164 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
167 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
169 It's grad exam time...
171 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
172 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
173 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
176 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
177 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
178 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
179 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
182 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
183 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
184 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
186 Pittsburgh driver's test
188 a) extremely dangerous.
190 c) the fault of the previous administration.
191 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
192 The correct answer is b.
193 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
194 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
195 you have nothing to worry about.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
198 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
200 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
203 The correct answer is d.
204 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
206 Pittsburgh driver's test
207 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
208 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
209 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
211 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
212 The correct answer is d.
213 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
215 Answer c is worth a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
223 The correct answer is b.
224 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
225 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
226 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
229 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
230 How often should you test it?
235 The correct answer is d.
236 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
237 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
241 but a steady left tail light. This means
242 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
243 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
244 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
245 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
246 d) The driver is from out of town.
247 The correct answer is d.
248 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
255 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
256 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
257 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
260 Pittsburgh driver's test
261 9: Roads are salted in order to
266 The correct answer is c.
267 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
268 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
269 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
272 THE STORY OF CREATION
276 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
277 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
278 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
279 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
280 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
281 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
282 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
285 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
288 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
289 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
290 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
291 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
292 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
294 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
295 he met the traveling salesman.
296 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
297 in high-level language.
298 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
299 and Apples," commented Jack.
300 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
301 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
302 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
303 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
305 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
306 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
309 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
311 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
312 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
315 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
316 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
317 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
318 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
319 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
324 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
325 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
326 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
328 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
329 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
330 Know what to kiss -- and when.
331 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
333 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
334 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
335 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
336 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
338 You are a fluke of the universe ...
339 You have no right to be here.
340 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
341 Is laughing behind your back.
345 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
347 Double bucky, you're the one!
348 You make my keyboard lots of fun
349 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
351 Control and Meta side by side,
352 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
353 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
355 Double bucky, left and right
356 OR'd together, outta sight!
357 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
358 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
359 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
361 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
363 Hard Copies and Chmod
365 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
366 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
367 user-hostile software
369 of course they're only bits and bytes
370 and characters and strings
373 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
374 telling me he loves me and
375 he'll take care of me
377 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
378 deep intimate secrets and
379 how he doesn't trust me
381 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
382 on personal stationery
383 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
385 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
386 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
387 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
388 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
390 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
391 neither has street credibility.
392 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
393 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
395 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
397 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
398 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
399 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
400 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
401 up of western dualism?
402 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
405 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
406 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
407 All kludgy were the function flows
408 And subroutines adhoc.
410 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
411 squrooneg, the false goto
412 Beware the infiniteloop
413 And shun the inprectoo.
415 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
416 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
417 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
418 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
419 when you hit the ground.
420 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
421 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
422 to psychological problems.
423 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
424 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
425 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
426 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
427 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
428 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
429 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
430 staggering illegally.
431 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
432 sanitary due to limited circulation.
433 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
436 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
437 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
438 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
439 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
440 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
441 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
442 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
443 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
444 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
445 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
446 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
447 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
448 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
449 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
450 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
451 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
452 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
453 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
454 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
457 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
459 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
460 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
462 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
463 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
464 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
466 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
467 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
468 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
469 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
470 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
471 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
473 The Three Major Kind of Tools
475 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
476 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
477 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
478 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
480 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
482 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
483 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
484 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
485 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
486 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
488 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
489 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
490 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
491 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
492 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
493 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
494 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
495 And we've also found Just flip one switch
496 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
497 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
499 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
500 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
501 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
503 'Twas the Night before Crisis
505 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
506 Not a program was working not even a browse.
507 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
508 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
509 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
510 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
511 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
512 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
513 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
514 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
515 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
516 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
517 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
518 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
519 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
520 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
521 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
522 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
524 What I Did During My Fall Semester
525 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
526 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
527 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
529 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
530 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
531 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
533 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
534 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
535 I found a thesis topic:
536 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
537 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
538 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
540 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
542 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
543 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
544 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
545 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
546 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
547 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
548 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
549 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
550 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
551 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
552 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
553 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
554 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
555 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
556 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
557 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
563 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
567 The integral of z squared, dz
568 From 1 to the square root of 3
571 Is the log of the cube root of e
575 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
576 Plans to "Eat it later"
578 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
580 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
581 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
582 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
583 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
584 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
585 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
586 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
587 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
588 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
589 you should blame when you make a mistake.
591 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
592 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
593 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
595 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
597 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
600 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
601 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
602 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
603 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
604 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
605 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
606 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
607 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
608 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
609 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
610 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
611 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
612 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
613 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
614 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
616 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
617 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
618 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
619 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
620 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
622 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
623 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
624 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
625 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
627 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
628 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
629 try this simple test:
630 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
631 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
632 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
633 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
634 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
635 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
637 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
639 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
640 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
641 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
642 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
643 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
644 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
645 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
646 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
647 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
648 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
649 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
650 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
651 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
652 yourself in the morning.
655 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
657 System going down in 60 seconds
661 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
662 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
663 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
664 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
665 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
666 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
667 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
668 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
669 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
670 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
671 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
673 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
675 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
677 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
678 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
681 A dozen, a gross and a score,
682 Plus three times the square root of four,
684 Plus five times eleven,
685 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
687 7,140 pounds on the Sun
688 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
690 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
691 43 pounds on the Moon
692 648 pounds on Jupiter
694 303 pounds on Neptune
697 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
700 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
701 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
702 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
703 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
705 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
706 of carp-to-carp walleting."
708 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
709 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
710 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
711 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
712 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
713 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
714 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
715 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
716 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
717 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
719 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
720 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
721 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
722 have what I think is a pretty good act."
723 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
724 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
725 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
726 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
727 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
728 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
729 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
730 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
731 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
732 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
735 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
738 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
739 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
740 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
741 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
742 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
744 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
745 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
746 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
747 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
748 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
749 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
750 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
751 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
752 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
753 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
755 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
756 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
758 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
759 house of seven gobbles.
761 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
762 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
763 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
764 sadly, "runneth over."
766 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
767 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
768 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
769 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
770 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
771 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
773 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
774 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
775 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
776 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
777 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
778 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
779 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
780 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
781 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
782 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
783 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
784 only blurt out, "What happened?"
785 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
786 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
787 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
788 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
789 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
790 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
792 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
793 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
794 brother and inquires after his pet.
795 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
796 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
797 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
798 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
799 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
800 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
801 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
802 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
804 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
807 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
808 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
809 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
811 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
812 book The Martian Chronicles?"
814 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
817 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
818 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
820 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
821 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
823 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
824 The housewife replied, "Four!".
825 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
826 through my spread sheet one more time."
827 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
828 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
830 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
831 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
832 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
834 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
835 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
836 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
837 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
838 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
839 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
841 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
842 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
843 The bartender ignores him.
844 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
846 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
847 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
848 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
849 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
850 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
851 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
852 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
854 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
855 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
856 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
857 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
858 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
859 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
860 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
861 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
862 told, "that one is 150,000."
863 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
864 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
865 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
866 -- being told in Poland, 1987
868 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
869 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
870 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
871 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
872 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
874 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
876 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
877 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
878 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
879 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
880 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
881 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
882 little more ... that's it."
883 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
884 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
885 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
886 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
887 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
888 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
889 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
890 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
892 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
893 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
894 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
895 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
896 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
897 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
898 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
899 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
901 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
902 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
903 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
904 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
905 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
906 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
907 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
908 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
910 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
911 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
912 was making a bolt for the door.
914 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
915 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
916 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
917 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
920 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
921 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
923 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
925 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
926 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
928 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
929 how long will it take?"
930 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
931 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
932 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
933 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
934 The programmer agreed to this.
935 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
936 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
937 He had been programming all night.
938 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
940 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
941 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
942 manager retained his job.
943 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
944 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
945 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
946 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
947 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
948 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
949 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
950 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
951 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
952 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
954 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
955 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
956 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
957 resigned on the spot.
958 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
959 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
960 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
961 hours of the morning.
962 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
964 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
965 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
966 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
967 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
968 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
969 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
970 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
971 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
972 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
974 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
976 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
977 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
978 he said, "may I examine it?"
979 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
980 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
981 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
982 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
984 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
986 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
987 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
988 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
990 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
991 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
993 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
994 "It is," came the reply.
995 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
996 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
997 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
998 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
999 over for today," he said.
1000 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1004 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1005 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1006 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1007 today's minute attention span.
1009 The Troubled Aardvark
1011 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1012 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1013 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1014 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1015 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1016 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1017 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1018 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1019 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1020 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1021 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1023 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1026 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1027 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1029 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1030 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1031 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1032 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1033 "If what?" asked the composer.
1034 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1036 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1037 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1038 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1039 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1040 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1041 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1042 power-down sequence.
1043 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1044 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1045 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1048 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1049 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1050 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1051 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1052 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1053 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1054 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1055 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1056 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1057 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1058 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1060 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1061 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1062 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1063 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1064 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1065 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1066 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1067 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1068 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1069 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1071 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1072 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1074 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1075 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1076 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1078 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1079 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1080 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1081 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1082 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1083 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1085 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1086 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1087 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1088 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1089 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1090 unnatural entity exist?"
1091 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1092 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1093 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1094 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1095 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1097 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1099 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1100 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1101 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1102 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1103 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1104 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1105 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1107 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1108 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1109 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1110 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1113 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1114 "A dollar for your death."
1117 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1118 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1119 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1120 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1121 party. He walked out into the night.
1122 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1123 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1125 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1126 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1127 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1129 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1130 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1131 has killed them all.
1132 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1133 went out to be killed?
1134 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1135 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1137 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1138 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1139 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1140 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1141 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1143 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1144 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1145 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1146 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1148 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1149 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1150 way that astonishes him least.
1151 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1152 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1154 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1155 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1157 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1159 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1160 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1161 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1162 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1163 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1164 made rude noises during my presentation."
1165 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1166 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1167 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1168 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1169 with social conventions?"
1170 "They are alive within the Tao."
1171 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1173 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1174 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1175 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1178 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1179 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1180 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1181 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1182 which contained twelve more loons.
1183 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1184 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1185 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1186 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1188 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1189 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1190 his wellness potential."
1192 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1193 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1195 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1196 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1198 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1199 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1201 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1202 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1203 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1204 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1205 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1206 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1207 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1208 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1210 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1212 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1213 "This is a parson to parson call."
1214 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1215 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1216 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1217 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1218 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1219 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1220 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1221 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1222 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1225 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1226 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1227 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1229 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1230 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1231 really want to know.
1232 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1233 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1235 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1236 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1237 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1238 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1239 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1240 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1241 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1242 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1243 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1244 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1245 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1246 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1247 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1248 going to it is so large.
1249 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1250 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1251 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1252 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1253 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1254 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1255 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1257 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1258 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1259 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1260 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1261 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1262 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1263 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1264 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1265 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1267 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1268 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1269 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1270 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1271 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1272 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1273 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1275 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1277 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1279 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1280 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1281 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1282 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1283 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1284 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1285 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1287 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1288 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1289 suck the poison from the wound."
1290 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1291 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1292 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1293 who my real friends are."
1295 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1296 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1297 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1299 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1300 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1301 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1302 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1303 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1304 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1305 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1306 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1307 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1308 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1311 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1312 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1313 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1314 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1315 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1317 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1318 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1319 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1321 "This is true," He replied.
1322 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1323 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1324 right to make his laws?"
1325 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1328 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1330 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1331 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1332 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1333 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1334 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1335 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1338 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1339 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1340 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1341 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1343 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1344 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1345 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1346 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1347 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1348 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1349 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1350 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1351 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1352 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1353 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1354 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1355 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1356 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1357 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1358 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1361 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1362 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1363 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1364 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1366 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1367 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1368 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1371 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1372 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1373 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1374 These are the things I learned:
1378 Put things back where you found them.
1379 Clean up your own mess.
1380 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1381 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1382 Wash your hands before you eat.
1384 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1385 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1386 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1387 Take a nap every afternoon.
1388 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1390 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1391 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1392 how or why, but we are all like that.
1393 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1394 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1395 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1396 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1397 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1398 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1400 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1401 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1402 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1403 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1404 and to clean up their own mess.
1405 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1406 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1407 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1408 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1410 All that you touch, And all you create,
1411 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1412 All that you taste, All that you do,
1413 All you feel, And all you say,
1414 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1415 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1416 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1417 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1418 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1419 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1420 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1421 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1423 But the sun is eclipsed
1426 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1427 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1429 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1430 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1431 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1432 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1434 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1435 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1436 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1437 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1438 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1439 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1440 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1441 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1442 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1443 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1444 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1445 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1447 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1448 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1449 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1450 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1452 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1453 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1455 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1456 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1457 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1458 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1459 is ready to build a second system.
1460 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1461 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1462 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1463 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1465 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1466 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1467 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1468 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1470 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1471 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1472 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1473 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1474 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1475 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1477 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1478 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1479 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1480 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1481 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1482 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1484 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1485 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1486 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1487 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1490 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1491 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1492 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1493 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1494 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1495 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1496 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1497 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1498 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1499 this head and pulls the trigger.
1500 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1502 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1503 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1505 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1506 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1507 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1508 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1509 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1510 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1511 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1512 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1513 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1514 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1515 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1516 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1517 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1518 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1520 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1521 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1522 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1523 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1524 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1525 hour seems like a minute."
1526 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1527 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1528 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1530 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1531 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1532 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1533 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1534 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1535 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1536 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1538 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1539 asked the father of his little son.
1542 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1543 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1544 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1545 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1546 can at least make a decision."
1547 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1548 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1549 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1550 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1552 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1553 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1555 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1556 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1557 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1560 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1561 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1562 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1563 "That was the curious incident."
1564 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1566 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1567 preaching to a group of disciples.
1568 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1569 the absolute reality of --"
1570 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1571 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1573 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1574 with the spirit of the morning.
1575 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1577 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1578 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1580 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1581 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1582 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1583 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1584 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1585 Governor, and he vaporized.
1586 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1587 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1589 "Are you police officers?"
1590 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1591 -- The Blues Brothers
1593 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1594 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1597 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1598 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1599 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1600 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1601 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1602 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1604 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1606 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1607 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1608 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1610 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1611 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1613 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1614 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1615 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1616 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1617 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1618 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1619 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1620 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1621 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1622 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1624 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1625 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1626 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1627 by their ignorance the hard way."
1628 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
1630 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1631 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1632 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1633 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1634 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1635 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1636 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1637 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1638 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1639 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1640 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1641 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1642 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1643 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1644 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1645 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1647 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1650 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1651 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1652 still five feet between rails.
1653 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1654 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1655 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1656 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1657 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1658 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1659 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1660 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1661 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1663 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1665 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1666 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1667 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1668 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1669 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1670 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1671 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1672 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1673 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1674 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1675 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1676 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1677 it some other time, Carrie."
1679 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1681 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1682 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1683 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1686 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1687 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1688 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1690 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1691 way I ought to go from here?"
1692 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1694 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1695 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1700 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1701 A medley of extemporanea;
1702 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1703 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1706 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1707 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1709 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1712 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1714 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1715 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1716 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1717 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1718 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1719 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1720 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1721 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1722 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1723 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1724 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1725 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1726 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1727 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1728 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1729 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1730 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1731 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1732 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1734 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1736 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1737 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1738 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1739 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1740 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1741 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1743 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1744 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1745 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1746 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1747 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1749 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1751 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1752 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1753 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1754 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1755 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1756 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1757 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1758 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1759 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1760 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1762 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1763 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1764 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1765 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1767 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1768 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1769 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1770 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1771 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1773 "Do you think there's a God?"
1774 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1777 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1778 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1780 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1782 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1783 Or is Vaseline better?
1785 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1786 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1787 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1788 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1789 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1790 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1791 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1792 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1793 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1794 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1795 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1797 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1798 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1799 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1800 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1802 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1803 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1804 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1805 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1806 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1807 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1808 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1809 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1810 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1811 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1812 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1813 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1814 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1815 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1816 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1817 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1818 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1819 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1820 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1822 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1823 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1824 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1825 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1826 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1827 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1828 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1829 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1830 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1832 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1833 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1834 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1835 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1836 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1837 shot at mine, over there."
1839 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1840 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1841 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1842 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1843 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1844 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1845 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1846 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1847 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1848 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1849 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1850 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1851 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1853 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1854 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1855 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1856 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1859 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1860 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1861 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1862 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1863 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1864 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1865 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1866 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1867 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1868 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1869 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1870 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1872 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1873 that she didn't recognize me.
1874 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1875 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1876 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1877 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1879 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1880 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1881 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1882 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1883 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1884 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1885 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1887 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1888 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1889 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1890 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1891 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1892 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1893 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1894 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1895 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1896 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1897 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1898 energy policy and neither do you."
1899 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1901 "Fantasies are free."
1902 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1904 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1905 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1906 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1908 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1909 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1910 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1911 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1912 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1913 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1914 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1915 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1916 the little hammers strike.
1917 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1918 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1919 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1921 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1922 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1923 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1927 Say my love is easy had,
1928 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1929 Say I am too often sad --
1930 Still behold me at your side.
1932 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1933 Say I woo and coddle care,
1934 Say the devil touched my tongue --
1935 Still you have my heart to wear.
1937 But say my verses do not scan,
1938 And I get me another man!
1941 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1942 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1948 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1949 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1951 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1952 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1954 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1956 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1957 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1958 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1959 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1960 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1961 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1962 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1963 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1964 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1965 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1966 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1967 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1968 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1969 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1971 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
1973 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1975 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1977 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1978 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1979 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1981 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1982 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1984 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
1985 extracurricular activity except you."
1986 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1987 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1991 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1992 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1993 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1994 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1995 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1996 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1998 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1999 differences once and for all.
2000 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2001 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2003 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2004 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2005 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2006 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2007 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2008 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2009 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2010 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2011 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2012 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2013 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2015 Thank you and good luck.
2016 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2018 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2020 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2021 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2022 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2023 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2024 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2025 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2028 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2029 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2030 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2031 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2032 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2033 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2034 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2035 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2036 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2037 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2038 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2039 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2040 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2041 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2042 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2043 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2044 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2045 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2046 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2047 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2048 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2049 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2051 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2053 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2054 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2055 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2056 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2057 had actually implicationed.
2058 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2059 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2060 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2063 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2064 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2065 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2066 to conquer the world.
2067 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2068 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2069 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2070 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2071 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2072 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2073 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2075 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2076 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2077 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2078 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2079 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2080 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2081 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2082 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2083 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2084 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2085 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2087 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2088 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2090 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2091 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2092 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2093 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2094 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2095 the gun on himself!"
2096 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2097 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2099 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2102 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2103 "Yes; I don't have one."
2104 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2105 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2107 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2108 "Oh, twice that long."
2110 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2111 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2114 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2115 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2116 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2117 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2118 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2119 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2120 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2121 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2123 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2124 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2126 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2127 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2128 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2130 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2132 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2133 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2134 without darkening me.
2135 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2137 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2138 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2140 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2141 "How would that help?"
2144 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2147 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2152 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2153 between amd64 and ia64."
2154 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2155 know the difference then."
2156 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2158 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2159 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2160 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2161 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2162 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2163 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2164 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2165 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2166 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2167 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2168 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2169 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2170 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2171 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2172 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2173 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2175 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2176 of her blonde companion.
2177 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2178 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2181 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2182 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2183 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2184 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2185 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2186 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2187 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2188 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2189 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2191 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2192 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2193 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2195 "How many people work here?"
2198 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2199 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2200 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2201 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2203 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2204 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2205 full of money before."
2207 "How'd you get that flat?"
2208 "Ran over a bottle."
2209 "Didn't you see it?"
2210 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2214 I will not play at tug o' war.
2215 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2218 Where everyone giggles
2219 And rolls on the rug,
2220 Where everyone kisses,
2222 And everyone cuddles,
2226 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2227 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2228 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2229 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2230 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2231 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2232 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2233 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2234 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2235 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2236 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2238 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2239 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2240 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2241 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2243 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2245 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2246 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2247 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2250 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2251 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2252 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2253 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2254 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2255 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2256 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2257 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2258 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2260 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2262 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2263 (There's a hole *where*?)
2265 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2266 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2267 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2269 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2270 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2271 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2273 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2275 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2278 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2279 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2281 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2283 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2284 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2285 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2286 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2287 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2291 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2292 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2293 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2294 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2295 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2296 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2297 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2298 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2299 have to get back to you.
2303 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2304 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2305 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2307 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2309 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2310 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2312 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2313 so many different things."
2314 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2316 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2318 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2319 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2320 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2321 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2322 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2323 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2324 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2325 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2326 understand his long delay.
2328 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2329 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2330 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2331 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2332 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2333 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2334 shack in the desert.
2335 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2336 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2337 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2339 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2340 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2341 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2342 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2343 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2344 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2345 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2348 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2349 I think very probably he might be cured."
2350 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2351 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2352 The elders murmured assent.
2353 "Now, what affects it?"
2354 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2355 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2356 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2357 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2358 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2359 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2360 irritation and distraction."
2361 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2362 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2363 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2364 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2365 "And then he will be sane?"
2366 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2367 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2368 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2370 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2371 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2374 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2375 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2376 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2377 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2378 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2380 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2381 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2382 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2383 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2384 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2385 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2386 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2387 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2388 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2389 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2390 happened to be in the right.
2391 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2393 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2395 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2397 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2398 back; I would be nice."
2399 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2401 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2403 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2404 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2405 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2406 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2407 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2409 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2410 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2411 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2412 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2414 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2415 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2416 these complaints represent?"
2417 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2418 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2420 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2422 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2423 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2424 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2425 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2426 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2427 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2428 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2429 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2430 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2431 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2432 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2433 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2434 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2435 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2437 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2438 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2439 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2440 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2441 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2443 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2445 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2446 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2447 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2448 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2449 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2451 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2452 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2455 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2456 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2458 -- The Life of Brian
2460 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2461 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2463 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2464 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2465 that is also a psychological interaction.
2466 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2468 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2469 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2471 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2472 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2473 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2474 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2475 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2477 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2479 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2480 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2482 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2484 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2485 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2486 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2487 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2490 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2491 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2492 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2493 repeat the sequence.
2494 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2495 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2496 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2498 -- William S. Burroughs
2500 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2501 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2502 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2503 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2504 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2505 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2506 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2507 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2508 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2509 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2510 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2511 difficult can it be?"
2512 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2513 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2514 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2515 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2516 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2518 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2519 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2520 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2521 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2522 them, or something?"
2523 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2524 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2525 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2526 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2527 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2528 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2529 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2530 would destroy the whole point of it."
2531 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2533 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2534 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2536 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2538 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2539 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2540 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2541 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2542 was by the time I find it.
2543 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2544 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2545 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2546 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2550 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2551 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2552 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2555 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2556 Junior, what are you up to?"
2557 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2559 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2560 will publish such rubbish!"
2561 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2562 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2563 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2564 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2565 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2567 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2568 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2569 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2570 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2571 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2572 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2573 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2575 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2576 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2578 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2579 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2580 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2581 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2582 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2583 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2584 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2585 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2586 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2588 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2589 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2590 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2591 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2592 been an efficiency expert?
2593 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2595 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2598 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2599 can see what we have done."
2600 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2601 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2602 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2603 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2604 "Certainly," said man.
2605 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2607 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2609 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2610 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2611 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2612 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2613 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2614 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2615 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2616 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2618 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2619 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2620 large numbers and prospered.
2621 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2622 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2623 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2624 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2625 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2626 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2627 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2628 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2629 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2630 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2631 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2632 -- The Story of Babel
2634 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2635 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2637 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2638 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2639 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2640 How could it be otherwise?
2641 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2643 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2644 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2645 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2646 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2647 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2648 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2649 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2650 you close your eyes?"
2651 "So that the room will be empty."
2652 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2654 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2655 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2656 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2657 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2658 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2659 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2660 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2661 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2662 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2663 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2664 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2666 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2667 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2668 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2669 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2670 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2671 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2674 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2675 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2676 life-style otherwise."
2677 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2679 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2680 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2681 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2682 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2683 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2684 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2685 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2686 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2687 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2688 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2689 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2691 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2694 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2695 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2697 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2698 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2700 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2701 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2703 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2704 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2706 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2707 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2708 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2709 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2711 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2712 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2713 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2714 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2715 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2716 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2717 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2718 freedom and games to the network...
2721 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2722 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2723 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2724 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2725 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2726 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2727 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2728 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2730 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2731 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2732 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2734 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2735 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2736 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2737 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2738 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2739 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2740 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2741 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2742 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2743 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2744 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2745 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2746 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2747 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2748 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2749 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2751 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2752 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2753 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2754 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2755 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2756 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2757 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2758 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2759 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2761 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2762 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2763 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2764 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2765 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2766 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2767 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2769 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2770 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2771 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2772 need to find out where we are."
2773 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2774 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2775 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2777 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2778 fifty feet in the air!"
2779 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2780 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2781 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2784 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2785 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2786 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2788 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2789 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2790 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2791 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2792 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2793 really needed in the first place.
2794 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2795 analogous to the above.
2796 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2798 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2799 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2800 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2801 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2802 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2803 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2804 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2806 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2810 "It means summon's in trouble."
2811 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2813 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2814 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2816 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2817 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2818 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2819 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2820 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2821 it always me, teacher?"
2822 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2825 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2827 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2828 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2829 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2830 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2831 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2832 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2833 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2834 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2835 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2836 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2840 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2841 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2842 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2843 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2844 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2845 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2846 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2847 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2848 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2849 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2850 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2851 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2852 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2853 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2854 now. They're in a band.
2857 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2858 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2859 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2860 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2861 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2862 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2863 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2864 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2865 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2866 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2867 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2868 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2870 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2871 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2872 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2873 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2874 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2875 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2876 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2877 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2878 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2879 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2880 smacked his lips with relish.
2881 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2882 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2887 My love is like an iron wand
2888 That conks me on the head,
2889 My love is like the valium
2890 That I take before my bed,
2891 My love is like the pint of scotch
2892 That I drink when I be dry;
2893 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2894 Until my wife is wise.
2896 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2898 "I said `intellectual'."
2901 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2902 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2905 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2908 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2910 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2911 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2912 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2915 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2916 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2917 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2918 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2919 All I have in the world is this gun."
2921 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2922 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2923 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2924 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2925 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2926 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2927 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2928 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2930 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2931 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2932 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2933 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2934 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2935 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2936 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2937 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2938 movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2939 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2940 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2941 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2942 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2943 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2944 possible, and turns to Murray.
2945 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2946 spits in the sergeants face.
2947 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2948 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2950 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2951 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2952 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2953 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2954 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2955 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2956 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2957 and Knights of Pithiests.
2958 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2959 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2960 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2961 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2962 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2963 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2964 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2965 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2966 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2967 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2968 So we're going back in a few years...
2971 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2972 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2974 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2975 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2976 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2977 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2978 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2979 the alter of human limitations.
2980 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2981 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2982 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2983 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2984 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2985 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2986 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2987 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2988 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2990 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2991 a girl should not do before twenty."
2992 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
2995 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2996 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2997 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2998 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2999 true value of the company.
3000 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3001 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3002 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3003 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3004 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3005 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3008 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3009 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3010 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3011 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3012 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3013 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3015 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3016 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3018 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3019 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3020 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3021 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3022 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3023 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3024 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3025 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3026 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3027 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3028 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3029 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3030 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3031 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3032 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3034 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3035 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3036 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3037 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3038 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3039 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3040 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3041 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3042 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3043 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3044 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3045 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3046 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3047 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3048 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3050 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3052 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3053 to be avoided than harped upon.
3054 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3055 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3056 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3057 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3058 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3060 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3061 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3062 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3063 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3065 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3068 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3069 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3070 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3071 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3072 no attention to the signal.
3073 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3074 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3075 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3076 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3077 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3079 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3080 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3081 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3082 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3083 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3084 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3085 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3086 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3087 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3089 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3090 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3091 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3092 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3093 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3094 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3095 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3096 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3097 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3098 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3099 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3100 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3101 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3102 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3105 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3106 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3107 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3108 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3109 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3110 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3111 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3112 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3113 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3114 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3115 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3116 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3117 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3118 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3119 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3120 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3121 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3122 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3124 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3125 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3126 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3127 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3128 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3129 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3130 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3131 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3132 she looked like the side of a barn.
3133 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3134 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3135 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3136 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3137 to decide quickly. I decided.
3138 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3139 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoe came after
3140 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3141 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3142 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3143 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3144 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3145 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3147 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3148 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3149 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3150 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3151 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3152 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3153 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3154 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3155 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3156 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3157 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3158 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3159 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3160 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3161 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3162 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3163 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3164 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3167 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3168 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3169 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3170 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3171 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3172 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3173 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3174 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3175 die quicker than boredom!"
3176 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3177 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3178 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3179 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3180 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3181 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3182 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3183 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3184 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3185 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3186 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3189 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3190 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3191 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3192 dolphins live forever!
3193 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3194 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3195 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3196 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3197 steal one of these birds.
3198 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3199 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3200 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3201 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3202 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3203 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3204 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3205 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3206 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3208 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3209 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3210 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3211 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3212 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3213 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3214 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3215 help you break such a spell."
3216 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3217 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3218 the night under her pillow."
3219 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3220 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3221 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3222 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3223 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3225 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3226 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3227 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3228 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3229 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3230 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3231 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3232 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3233 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3234 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3235 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3236 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3237 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3238 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3239 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3240 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3241 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3242 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3243 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3244 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3245 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3247 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3248 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3249 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3250 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3251 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3252 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3253 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3254 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3255 perception of the elephant.
3256 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3257 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3258 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3259 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3260 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3262 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3263 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3264 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3265 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3266 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3267 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3268 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3269 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3270 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3271 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3272 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3273 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3274 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3276 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3277 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3278 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3279 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3280 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3281 available to anyone.
3282 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3284 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3285 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3287 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3288 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3291 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3292 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3293 went to speak with him.
3294 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3296 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3297 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3298 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3300 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3301 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3302 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3303 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3304 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3305 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3307 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3309 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3310 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3311 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3312 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3314 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3315 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3316 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3317 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3318 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3319 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3320 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3321 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3322 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3323 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3324 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3325 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3326 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3327 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3328 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3329 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3330 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3331 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3332 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3335 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3336 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3337 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3338 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3339 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3340 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3342 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3343 Back came the reply...
3344 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3345 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3346 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3347 Back came the reply...
3348 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3349 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3351 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3352 is our support for UNIX?
3353 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3354 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3355 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3356 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3357 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3358 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3359 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3360 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3361 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3362 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3363 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3364 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3365 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3366 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3367 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3368 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3369 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3373 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3374 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3375 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3376 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3377 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3380 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3381 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3382 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3383 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3384 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3385 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3386 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3389 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3391 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3392 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3393 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3394 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3395 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3397 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3398 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3399 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3400 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3401 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3402 never reveal our sauce."
3403 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3404 kept favoring curry.
3405 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3406 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3408 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3409 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3411 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3412 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3413 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3414 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3415 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3416 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3417 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3418 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3419 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3420 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3421 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3422 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3424 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3425 sounding a bit worried.
3426 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3427 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3428 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3430 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3431 Cobb said, hopping out.
3432 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3434 Phases of a Project:
3438 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3439 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3440 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3442 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3443 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3444 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3445 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3446 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3447 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3448 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3449 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3450 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3451 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3453 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3454 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3455 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3456 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3457 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3459 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3460 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3461 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3462 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3463 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3465 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3467 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3468 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3469 ran like a gentle wind.
3470 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3471 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3472 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3473 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3474 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3475 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3476 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3477 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3478 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3479 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3480 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3481 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3482 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3483 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3485 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3486 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3487 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3488 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3489 starfield surrounding the ship.
3490 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3491 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3492 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3493 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3494 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3495 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3496 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3498 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3499 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3500 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3501 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3502 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3503 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3504 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3505 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3506 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3507 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3508 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3509 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3510 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3511 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3512 On the Campaign Trail"
3514 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3515 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3516 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3517 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3518 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3519 if they don't live our way."
3521 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3522 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3523 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3524 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3525 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3526 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3527 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3528 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3529 "When you look at it that way..."
3530 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3531 Whatever. We want. To do."
3532 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3534 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3535 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3536 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3537 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3538 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3539 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3540 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3541 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3542 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3544 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3546 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3547 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3548 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3550 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3551 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3552 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3553 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3554 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3555 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3556 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3557 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3565 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3566 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3567 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3568 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3569 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3570 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3571 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3572 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3573 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3574 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3576 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3577 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3578 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3579 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3581 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3582 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3583 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3584 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3585 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3586 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3588 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3589 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3590 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3591 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3592 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3593 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3594 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3595 nice gesture you made today, George.
3596 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3597 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3598 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3599 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3602 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3603 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3604 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3605 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3606 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3607 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3608 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3609 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3610 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3611 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3613 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3614 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3615 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3616 the odd integers are prime."
3617 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3618 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3619 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3620 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3621 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3622 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3623 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3624 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3625 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3627 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3628 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3629 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3630 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3631 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3633 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3634 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3637 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3638 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3639 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3641 "What's he wanted for?"
3644 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3645 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3646 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3647 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3648 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3649 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3650 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3651 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3652 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3655 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3656 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3657 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3658 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3659 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3660 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3661 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3662 right straight toward us.
3663 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3664 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3665 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3666 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3667 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3668 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3669 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3670 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3671 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3672 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3673 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3675 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3676 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3677 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3679 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3680 -- Dating in Minnesota
3682 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3683 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3684 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3685 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3686 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3687 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3688 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3689 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3690 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3691 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3692 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3693 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3694 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3695 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3696 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3697 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3698 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3699 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3700 This is the Minneapple.
3702 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3703 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3704 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3706 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3707 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3708 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3709 harmony in the world.
3710 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3712 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3714 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3715 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3716 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3717 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3718 farmers in America."
3719 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3721 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3722 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3723 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3724 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3725 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3726 Machineries of Joy?"
3727 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3728 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3730 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3732 Bottle 750 milliliters
3733 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3735 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3736 Methuselah 8 bottles
3737 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3738 Balthazar 16 bottles
3739 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3740 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3742 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3743 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3744 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3745 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3747 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3748 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3750 "What is your name?"
3751 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3752 "What is your quest?"
3753 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3754 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3755 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3756 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3758 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3759 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3760 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3761 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3762 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3763 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3764 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3765 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3766 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3767 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3768 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3769 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3770 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3771 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3772 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3773 broke and rolled back.
3774 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3776 "Surely you can't be serious."
3777 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3779 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3780 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3781 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3782 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3783 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3784 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3785 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3787 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3789 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3790 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3791 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3792 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3793 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3795 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3797 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3798 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3799 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3801 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3802 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3803 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3804 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3805 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3806 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3807 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3808 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3809 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3810 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3811 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3813 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3814 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3815 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3816 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3817 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3818 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3819 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3820 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3821 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3822 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3824 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3825 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3826 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3827 got a sense of humor?"
3828 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3830 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3831 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3832 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3834 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3837 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3839 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3840 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3842 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3843 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3844 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3845 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3846 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3848 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3849 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3851 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3853 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3855 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3856 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3858 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3859 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3860 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3861 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3862 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3864 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3865 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3867 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3869 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3871 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3872 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3874 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3875 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3876 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3877 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3878 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3879 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3880 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3882 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3883 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3884 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3885 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3886 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3887 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3889 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3890 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3891 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3892 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3893 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3894 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3895 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3896 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3897 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3899 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3900 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3901 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3902 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3904 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3906 On the good ship Enterprise
3907 Every week there's a new surprise
3908 Where the Romulans lurk
3909 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3911 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3912 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3914 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3916 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3917 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3918 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3919 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3921 It's the good ship Enterprise
3922 Heading out where danger lies
3923 And you live in dread
3924 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3925 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3927 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3928 the subject of towels.
3929 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3930 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3931 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3932 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3933 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3934 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3935 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3936 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3938 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3939 the subject of towels.
3940 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3941 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3942 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3943 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3944 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3945 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3946 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3947 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3949 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3951 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3952 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3953 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3954 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3955 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3956 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3957 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3958 "That's two," he said.
3959 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3960 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3961 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3962 shot the horse between the eyes.
3963 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3964 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3965 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3967 "The jig's up, Elman."
3971 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3973 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3974 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3975 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3976 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3977 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3980 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3981 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3982 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3985 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
3986 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
3987 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
3989 Here is a sample program:
3990 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
3991 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
3992 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
3993 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
3995 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
3997 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
3999 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4003 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4005 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4007 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4009 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4010 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4011 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4013 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4014 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4015 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4018 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4019 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4020 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4022 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4023 you find the time to try it again?"
4025 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4026 a position of negative need.
4027 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4028 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4030 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4031 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4032 prestige of His identity.
4033 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4034 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4035 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4036 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4037 into a pleasurific mood state.
4038 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4039 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4040 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4041 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4042 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4043 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4044 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4045 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4048 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4049 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4050 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4051 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4052 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4053 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4054 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4056 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4058 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4059 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4061 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4062 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4064 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4065 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4066 you know where it might be?"
4067 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4068 in the data center."
4069 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4071 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4072 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4074 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4075 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4076 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4078 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4079 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4080 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4081 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4083 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4084 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4086 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4087 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4089 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4090 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4091 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4092 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4094 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4095 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4096 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4098 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4099 logically experienced citizens."
4101 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4102 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4103 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4105 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4106 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4108 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4109 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4111 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4112 Alice corrected herself.
4113 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4114 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4115 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4116 time completely bewildered.
4117 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4118 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4119 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4121 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4122 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4123 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4124 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4125 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4126 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4128 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4129 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4130 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4131 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4132 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4133 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4135 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4137 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4138 problems in order to get results
4139 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4140 toy problems in order to get results.
4142 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4143 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4144 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4145 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4146 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4147 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4148 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4149 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4151 "The pyramid is opening!"
4153 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4154 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4155 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4157 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4158 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4159 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4160 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4161 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4162 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4163 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4164 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4165 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4166 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4167 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4168 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4169 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4170 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4171 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4173 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4175 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4177 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4178 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4180 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4181 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4183 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4184 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4186 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4187 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4188 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4189 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4190 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4191 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4192 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4194 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4195 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4196 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4197 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4199 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4201 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4202 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4203 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4205 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4206 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4208 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4212 The wombat lives across the seas,
4213 Among the far Antipodes.
4214 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4215 Or then again, on missionaries;
4216 His distant habitat precludes
4217 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4218 But I would not engage the wombat
4219 In any form of mortal combat.
4221 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4222 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4223 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4224 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4225 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4226 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4227 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4228 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4229 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4230 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4231 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4232 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4233 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4234 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4235 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4238 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4239 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4240 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4241 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4242 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4243 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4244 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4245 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4246 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4247 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4248 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4249 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4250 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4252 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4253 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4254 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4256 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4257 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4258 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4259 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4260 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4264 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4265 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4266 hard, to keep from falling.
4267 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4268 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4270 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4271 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4272 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4273 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4275 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4276 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4281 Into love and out again,
4282 Thus I went and thus I go.
4283 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4284 Well and bitterly I know
4285 All the songs were ever sung,
4286 All the words were ever said;
4287 Could it be, when I was young,
4288 Someone dropped me on my head?
4291 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4292 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4293 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4294 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4295 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4297 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4298 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4299 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4300 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4301 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4302 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4303 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4304 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4306 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4307 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4308 that people cannot think.
4309 -- Richard W. Hamming
4311 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4312 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4313 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4314 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4315 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4316 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4317 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4318 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4319 but nothing was to be found.
4320 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4321 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4322 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4323 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4324 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4325 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4326 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4327 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4329 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4330 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4331 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4332 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4333 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4334 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4335 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4337 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4338 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4339 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4340 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4341 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4343 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4344 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4345 a man who answered one door.
4346 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4348 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4349 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4350 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4351 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4353 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4354 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4355 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4356 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4357 they're carrying upstairs!"
4359 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnaped
4360 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4361 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4363 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4364 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4365 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4367 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4368 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4369 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4370 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4371 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4372 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4373 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4374 Proof: assume the opposite...
4376 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4377 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4378 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4379 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4380 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4381 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4383 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4384 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4385 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4386 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4387 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4388 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4389 is easier to design."
4390 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4391 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4392 The programmer made no reply.
4393 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4395 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4396 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4397 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4398 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4399 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4400 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4401 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4402 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4403 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4404 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4405 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4406 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4407 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4408 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4410 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4411 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4412 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4413 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4414 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4415 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4416 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4417 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4418 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4419 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4420 things was itself the doing of them.
4421 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4422 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4423 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4424 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4425 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4426 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4427 spread only for demons or for gods."
4428 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4430 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4431 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4432 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4433 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4434 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4435 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4436 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4437 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4438 country. We're completely computerized.
4439 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4440 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4441 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4442 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4443 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4444 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4445 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4446 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4447 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4448 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4449 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4450 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4451 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4453 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4454 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4455 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4456 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4457 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4458 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4459 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4460 making anything out of all the hard work.
4461 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4462 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4463 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4464 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4465 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4467 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4468 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4470 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4471 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4472 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4473 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4474 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4475 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4476 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4477 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4478 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4479 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4480 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4481 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4482 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4483 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4484 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4486 To A Quick Young Fox
4487 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4488 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4489 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4490 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4493 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4494 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4495 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4496 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4497 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4498 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4499 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4500 pint of ice cream nearby.
4501 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4503 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4505 The other saw stars.
4507 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4508 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4511 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4512 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4513 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4514 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4515 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4516 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4517 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4518 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4519 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4520 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4521 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4522 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4523 was Carmen or Cohen.
4524 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4525 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4526 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4528 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4529 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4531 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4533 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4534 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4535 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4536 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4537 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4538 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4539 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4540 soggy potato chips."
4541 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4542 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4543 "but I thought it made good copy."
4544 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4546 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4547 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4550 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4551 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4552 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4554 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4555 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4556 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4558 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4560 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4562 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4564 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4565 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4566 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4567 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4568 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4569 by law, up to and including nothing.
4570 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4571 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4572 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4573 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4574 attack shark at which point we relented.
4575 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4577 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4578 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4579 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4580 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4582 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4583 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4584 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4585 -- William Burroughs
4587 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4589 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4590 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4591 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4592 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4593 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4594 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4595 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4596 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4597 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4598 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4599 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4600 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4602 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4603 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4604 psycho-prompter couch?"
4606 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4607 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4608 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4610 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4611 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4612 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4613 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4614 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4615 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4617 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4618 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4619 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4621 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4625 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4626 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4627 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4628 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4629 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4630 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4631 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4632 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4633 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4634 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4635 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4636 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4637 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4638 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4639 Time passed, unheeded.
4640 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4641 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4644 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4645 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4646 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4647 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4649 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4650 let him lie there all night."
4651 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4652 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4653 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4654 that a bunch of thugs had kidnaped him."
4655 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4656 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4657 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4658 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4659 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4660 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4661 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4662 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4663 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4665 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4666 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4667 maim or kill innocent little children."
4668 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4669 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4672 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4674 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4675 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4676 "It means the Thing to Do."
4677 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4679 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4680 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4681 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4684 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4685 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4686 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4687 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4689 The New Yorker's comment:
4690 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4692 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4693 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4694 "No, we just don't like him."
4695 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4696 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4697 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4698 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4700 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4701 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4702 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4703 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4706 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4707 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4708 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4709 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4710 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4711 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4712 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4713 they're not selling."
4714 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4715 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4717 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4718 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4719 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4720 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4721 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4722 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4724 "What are we going to do?"
4725 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4726 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4727 short initiation period."
4728 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4730 "What are you watching?"
4732 "Well, what's happening?"
4733 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4735 "Why are you watching it?"
4736 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4740 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4742 "You keep it to yourself."
4745 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4747 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4749 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4750 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4751 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4752 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4753 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4754 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4755 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4756 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4757 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4758 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4759 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4760 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4761 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4762 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4764 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4765 didn't believe in God".
4766 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4767 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4768 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4771 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4772 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4773 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4774 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4776 "What's that thing?"
4777 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4778 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4779 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4780 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4782 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4783 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4784 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4785 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4786 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4787 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4788 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4789 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4791 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4792 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4793 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4795 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4796 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4797 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4798 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4799 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4800 moved farther to the left."
4801 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4803 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4804 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4805 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4807 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4808 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4809 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4810 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4812 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4813 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4815 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4816 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4817 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4818 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4819 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4821 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4822 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4823 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4824 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4825 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4826 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4827 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4828 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4829 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4830 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4832 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4834 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4835 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4836 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4837 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4839 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4841 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4842 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4843 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4844 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4845 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4846 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4847 then. We're trying to catch her."
4848 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4849 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4850 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4852 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4853 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4854 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4857 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4858 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4859 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4861 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4862 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4863 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4864 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4865 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4866 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4867 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4868 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4869 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4870 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4871 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4872 why the sea is salt."
4873 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4874 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4876 Why are you doing this to me?
4877 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4879 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4881 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4882 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4883 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4884 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4887 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4888 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4889 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4890 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4891 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4892 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4893 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4894 "Okay. It's your wife."
4898 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4899 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4906 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4907 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4909 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4910 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4911 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4912 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4913 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4915 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4916 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4917 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4918 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4919 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4920 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4921 long, and two mouses wide."
4922 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4924 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4928 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4929 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4930 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4931 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4932 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4933 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4934 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4935 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4937 "You are *so* lovely."
4939 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4941 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4942 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4943 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4945 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4946 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4947 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4948 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4949 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4951 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4952 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4953 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4955 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4956 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
4957 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4959 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4960 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4961 fit to hear his view of things?"
4962 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4963 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4964 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4965 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4966 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4967 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4968 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4970 "You say there are two types of people?"
4971 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4973 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4974 Those who separate people into three groups.
4975 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4976 Those who can't decide."
4977 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4979 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4980 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4982 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4983 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4986 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4987 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4988 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4989 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4990 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4991 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4992 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4993 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4994 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4995 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4996 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4997 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4998 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4999 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5001 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5002 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5003 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5004 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5005 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5006 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5007 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5008 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5009 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5010 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5011 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5012 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5013 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5014 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5015 cats on the dinette table, etc.
5016 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5018 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5019 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5021 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5023 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5024 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5025 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5026 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5027 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5028 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5029 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5031 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5032 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5033 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5034 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5035 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5036 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5038 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5039 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5055 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5056 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5057 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5058 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5064 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5066 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5067 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5069 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5071 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5072 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5073 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5074 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5075 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5077 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5089 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5090 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5091 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5092 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5093 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5094 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5095 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5096 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5097 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5104 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5108 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5110 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5111 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5112 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5113 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5114 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5115 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5116 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5118 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5120 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5121 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5122 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5123 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5124 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5126 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
5128 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5129 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5130 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5131 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5132 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5134 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
5136 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5138 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5139 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5140 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5141 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5142 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5145 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5147 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5149 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5150 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5151 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5152 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5153 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5156 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5158 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5159 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5160 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5161 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5163 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5164 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5165 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5168 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5169 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5170 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5172 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5173 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5175 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5177 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5179 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5180 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5181 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5182 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5184 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5186 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5187 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5188 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5189 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5190 it cold boots the machine so often.
5192 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5194 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5195 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5196 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5197 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5198 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5200 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5205 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5206 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5207 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5208 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5209 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5211 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5213 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5215 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5216 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5217 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5218 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5219 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5220 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5221 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5222 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5223 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5224 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5226 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5228 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5229 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5230 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5231 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5232 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5233 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5234 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5235 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5236 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5237 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5238 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5240 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5242 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5243 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5247 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5249 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5251 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5254 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5256 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5258 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5260 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5262 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5263 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5264 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5265 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5266 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5268 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5270 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5271 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5272 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5273 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5274 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5275 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5276 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5277 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5280 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5282 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5283 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5284 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5285 second per second takes over.
5286 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5287 intervenes suddenly.
5288 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5289 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5290 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5291 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5293 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5294 conforming to its perimeter.
5295 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5296 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5297 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5298 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5299 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5300 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5302 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5303 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5304 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5306 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5307 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5310 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5311 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5312 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5315 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5316 have turned into a pile of dust.
5318 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5319 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5322 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5323 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5324 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5325 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5326 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5327 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5328 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5330 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5331 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5332 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5333 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5334 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5335 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5336 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5337 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5338 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5339 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5341 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5343 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5344 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5345 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5346 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5347 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5348 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5350 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5351 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5352 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5355 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5356 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5357 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5358 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5359 never when standing.
5361 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5362 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5363 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5364 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5365 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5366 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5367 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5368 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5369 astray by hunting and pecking.
5370 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5371 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5373 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5375 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5377 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5379 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5380 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5381 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5382 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5383 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5384 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5385 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5386 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5387 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5388 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5389 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5390 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5392 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5393 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5394 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5395 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5396 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5397 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5398 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5399 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5400 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5401 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5403 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5404 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5405 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5406 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5407 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5408 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5409 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5410 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5411 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5413 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5416 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5417 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5418 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5419 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5420 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5421 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5422 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5423 other's private parts.
5424 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5426 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5427 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5431 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5432 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5435 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5436 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5437 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5438 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5439 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5440 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5442 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5444 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5446 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5447 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5448 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5449 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5450 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5451 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5452 knows them in the naming.
5453 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5459 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5460 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5461 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5462 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5465 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5466 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5467 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5468 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5470 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5472 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5473 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5474 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5475 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5476 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5477 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5478 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5479 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5480 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5481 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5482 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5483 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5484 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5486 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5487 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5488 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5489 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5491 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5493 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5494 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5495 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5498 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5499 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5500 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5502 : is not an identifier
5504 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5505 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5506 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5507 superficial design flaws.
5508 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5509 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5511 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5512 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5513 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5514 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5517 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5518 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5521 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5522 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5525 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5526 legally ... impeccable!
5528 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5529 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5530 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5531 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5532 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5533 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5534 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5535 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5536 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5537 of a lucrative nature.
5538 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5539 osseous structure, but appelations will eternally remain innocuous.
5541 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5545 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5546 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5547 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5549 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5550 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5553 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5554 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5555 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5556 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5557 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5558 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5559 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5560 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5561 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5562 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5563 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5564 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5565 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5566 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5568 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5570 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5571 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5572 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5573 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5574 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5575 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5576 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5578 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5579 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5583 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5584 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5585 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5586 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5587 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5588 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5589 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5591 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5592 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5593 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5594 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5595 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5597 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5598 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5599 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5600 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5601 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5603 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5604 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5605 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5606 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5607 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5608 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5610 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5611 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5612 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5613 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5614 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5616 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5617 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5618 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5619 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5620 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5621 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5622 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5623 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5624 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5625 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5626 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5627 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5628 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5629 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5630 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5632 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5634 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5635 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5636 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5637 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5638 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5639 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5640 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5641 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5642 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5643 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5644 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5645 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5646 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5647 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5648 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5649 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5651 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5656 Norman, knock loudly,
5661 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5664 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5665 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5666 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5669 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5670 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5671 optimal cachinnation.
5673 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5674 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5675 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5676 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5677 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5679 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5680 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5681 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5682 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5684 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5686 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5687 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5688 -- The Firesign Theater
5690 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5691 from beginning to end.
5692 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5695 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5697 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5699 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5700 entrances; others cannot.
5701 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5702 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5703 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5704 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5705 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5707 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5708 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5709 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5710 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5711 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5712 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5713 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5714 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5715 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5716 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5717 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5718 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5719 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5723 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5724 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5725 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5726 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5727 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5728 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5729 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5730 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5731 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5732 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5734 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5735 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5737 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5738 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5741 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5742 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5743 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5744 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5745 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5746 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5747 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5748 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5749 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5750 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5751 barely able to walk.
5752 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5753 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5754 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5755 "The good news first!"
5756 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5757 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5758 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5759 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5762 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5764 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5765 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5766 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5768 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5769 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5771 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5772 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5773 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5774 Wash the windows once a week.
5775 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5776 coal for the day's business.
5777 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5779 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5780 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5781 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5782 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5783 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5786 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5788 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5789 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5790 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5791 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5792 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5793 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5794 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5795 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5796 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5797 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5798 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5800 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5801 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5802 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5803 [4] Four is an even number.
5804 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5805 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5806 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5808 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5809 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5810 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5811 [4] Four is an even number.
5812 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5813 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5814 Therefore, all horses are black.
5816 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5817 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5818 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5819 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5820 the social ramble ain't restful.
5821 5. Avoid running at all times.
5822 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5823 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5825 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5826 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5828 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5829 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5830 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5831 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5832 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5833 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5834 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5835 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5836 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5837 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5838 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5839 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5840 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5841 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5842 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5843 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5844 to 1 meter per second
5845 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5846 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5847 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5848 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5849 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5850 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5851 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5852 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5853 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5857 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5858 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5859 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5860 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5862 1: No code table for op: ++post
5865 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5866 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5867 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5868 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5869 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5870 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5871 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5873 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5874 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5875 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5876 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5877 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5878 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5879 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5880 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5881 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5882 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5884 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
5886 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5888 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5889 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5890 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5891 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5892 other beers on the side.
5893 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
5895 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5896 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5897 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5898 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5900 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5901 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5902 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5904 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5906 Take one down, short it to ground
5907 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5909 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5911 Take one down, short it to ground
5912 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
5916 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5917 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5918 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5920 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5922 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5923 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5927 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5930 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5934 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5940 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5943 1/2 oz. orange juice
5946 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5947 Long Island Iced Tea
5951 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5953 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5954 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5955 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5956 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5957 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5958 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5960 Nine in the second place means:
5961 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5963 Six in the third place means:
5964 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5965 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5967 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5970 17th Rule of Friendship:
5972 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5973 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5975 -- Esquire, May 1977
5977 186,000 miles per second:
5978 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5980 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5981 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5983 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5984 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5985 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5986 1907 Good to the last drop
5987 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5988 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5989 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5990 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5991 1919 It satisfies thirst
5992 1919 The taste is the test
5993 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5994 1922 Thirst knows no season
5995 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5996 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5998 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5999 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6000 1929 The pause that refreshes
6001 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6002 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6003 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6004 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6005 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6006 1939 Thirst stops here
6007 1942 It's the real thing
6009 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6010 1963 Things go better with Coke
6011 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6012 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6014 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6016 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6018 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6020 2180, U.S. History question:
6021 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6022 office did he later hold?
6024 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6025 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6026 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6028 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6033 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6035 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6036 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6037 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6038 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6039 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6041 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6043 3rd Law of Computing:
6044 Anything that can go wr
6045 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6047 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6049 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6051 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6052 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6053 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6054 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6055 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6056 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6057 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6058 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6059 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6061 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6062 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6063 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6064 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6065 and other good books.
6066 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6067 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6068 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6069 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6070 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6071 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6072 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6073 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6074 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6075 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6077 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6085 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6086 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6089 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6090 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6091 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6093 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6094 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6096 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6097 and the rest hang out around here.
6099 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6101 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6102 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6104 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6106 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6107 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6109 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6110 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6112 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6115 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6117 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6118 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6121 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6123 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6127 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6128 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6130 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6131 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6134 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6135 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6138 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6141 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6144 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6146 A beginning is the time for taking the
6147 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6148 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6150 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6151 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6153 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6154 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6155 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6156 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6158 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6159 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savanna in their
6160 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6162 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6163 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6164 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6165 there's one white zebra."
6166 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6168 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6170 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6172 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6175 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6177 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6183 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6184 that the animal is going somewhere.
6187 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6188 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6189 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6190 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6191 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6192 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6193 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6194 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6195 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6196 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6197 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6198 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6199 resource centers along the roads.
6200 -- The Underground Grammarian
6202 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6203 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6205 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6206 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6208 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6210 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6211 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6214 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6215 of turning around three times before lying down.
6218 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6221 A budget is just a method of worrying
6222 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6224 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6226 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6228 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6229 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6230 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6231 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6232 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6233 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6234 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6235 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6236 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6237 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6238 pole in a complex plane."
6240 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6241 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6242 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6243 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6244 -- Robert W. Service
6246 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6247 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6249 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6252 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6253 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6255 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6256 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6257 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6258 examine him about his recent diet.
6259 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6261 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6262 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6263 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6264 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6265 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6266 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6267 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6269 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6271 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6272 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6273 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6274 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6275 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6276 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6277 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6279 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6280 does not prove anything.
6281 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6283 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6285 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6286 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6288 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6289 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6290 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6291 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6292 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6293 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6294 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6295 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6298 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6299 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6300 who passed it on to theirs.
6302 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6303 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6304 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6305 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6306 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6307 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6308 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6309 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6310 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6311 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6312 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6313 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6314 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6315 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6317 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6318 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6319 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6321 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6322 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6324 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6326 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6329 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6331 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6332 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6333 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6336 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6338 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6339 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6341 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6342 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6344 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6345 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6348 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6351 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6353 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6354 and nobody wants to read.
6355 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6357 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6359 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6360 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6361 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6362 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6363 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6365 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6367 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6368 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6369 valuable scientific objectivity.
6371 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6372 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6373 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6375 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6376 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6378 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6380 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6381 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6382 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6383 disability you may have experienced.
6385 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6386 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6387 explained in terms that you would understand.
6389 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6390 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6391 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6393 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6395 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6396 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6397 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6399 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6400 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6402 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6403 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6404 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6405 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6407 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6408 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6410 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6411 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6412 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6413 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6415 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6418 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6419 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6421 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6422 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6425 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6428 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6430 A complex system that works is invariably
6431 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6433 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6436 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6439 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6440 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6443 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6444 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6445 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6446 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6448 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6449 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6450 Computer: George Washington.
6451 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6452 Where is my father?"
6453 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6454 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6456 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6457 landed a twelve pound bass.
6459 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6460 the computer science student has run in to.
6462 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6463 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6464 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6465 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6466 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6467 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6468 get the pointer value from there?
6469 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6470 make it point to the previous item.
6471 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6472 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6474 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6476 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6478 A computer science student on an exam:
6480 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6481 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6482 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6485 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6487 A computer, to print out a fact,
6488 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6489 But this output can be
6490 No more than debris,
6491 If the input was short of exact.
6494 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6495 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6497 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6499 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6500 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6503 A CONS is an object which cares.
6506 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6509 A conservative is a man
6510 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6513 A conservative is a man
6514 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6515 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6517 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6518 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6520 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6523 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6524 damned things is ample.
6527 A couch is as good as a chair.
6529 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6532 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6533 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6534 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6535 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6536 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6537 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6538 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6539 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6540 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6542 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6543 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6544 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6545 there, he don't have one!"
6547 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6548 money is always there but the pockets change;
6549 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6550 and that is all there is to say about money.
6553 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6554 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6555 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6556 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6557 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6558 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6559 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6560 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6561 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6562 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6563 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6564 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6565 this central section.
6566 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6567 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6568 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6569 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6571 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6574 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6575 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6576 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6578 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6581 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6583 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6585 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6587 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6589 A day without sunshine is like night.
6591 A dead man cannot bite.
6592 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6594 A debugged program is one for which you have
6595 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6598 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6599 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6600 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6601 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6602 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6603 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6604 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6606 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6607 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6609 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6610 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6612 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6613 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6616 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6617 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6618 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6620 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6623 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6624 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6626 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6629 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6630 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6632 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6633 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6634 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6636 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6638 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6639 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6640 that you only have six weeks to live."
6641 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6643 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6646 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6647 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6648 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6649 courtesy," he explained.
6651 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6654 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6658 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6661 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6662 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6663 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6664 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6666 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6669 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6671 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6674 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6675 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6677 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6679 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6680 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6681 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6682 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6683 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6684 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6685 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6687 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6688 -- Winston Churchill
6690 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6692 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6693 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6694 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6695 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6696 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6697 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6698 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6699 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6700 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6701 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6702 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6703 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6704 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6706 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6707 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6710 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6711 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6712 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6713 should be masculine or feminine.
6714 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6715 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6716 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6717 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6718 went on their way rather quickly.
6719 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6720 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6721 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6723 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6725 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6726 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6727 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6730 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6731 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6733 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6735 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6737 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6738 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6739 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6740 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6741 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6742 drowned in the lake!"
6743 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6744 more chain than he can swim with?"
6746 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6747 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6748 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6749 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6750 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6751 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6754 (Or scatters scats);
6755 A potting shed's for potting;
6758 Or caught an otter otting.
6761 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6763 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6764 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6766 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6768 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6770 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6772 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6773 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6775 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6777 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6778 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6780 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6781 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6783 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6784 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6785 -- George Bernard Shaw
6787 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6790 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6792 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6795 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6796 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6797 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6799 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6802 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6805 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6807 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6808 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6810 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6811 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6814 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6815 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6817 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6819 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6822 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6824 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6827 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6829 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6830 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6831 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6832 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6835 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6836 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6838 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6839 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6840 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6841 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6842 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6845 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6846 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6847 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6848 electrical shock to the horse.
6849 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6850 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6851 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6852 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6853 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6854 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6856 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6858 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6860 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6862 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6864 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6866 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6869 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6871 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6872 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6873 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
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\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6874 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6876 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6877 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6879 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6882 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6883 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6885 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6886 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6888 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6889 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6890 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6891 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6895 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6896 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6897 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6898 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6899 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6900 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6903 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6904 -- Michel de Montaigne
6906 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6908 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6909 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6912 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6915 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6919 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6920 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6921 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6924 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6927 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6929 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6931 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6932 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6933 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6934 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6936 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6937 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6938 "That's dynamite, baby."
6939 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
6941 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6942 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6946 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6947 the table after you eat.
6949 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6952 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6953 to take it all away.
6956 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6958 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6961 A great many people think they are thinking
6962 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6965 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6968 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6969 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6970 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6971 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6972 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6973 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6974 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6975 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
6976 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6977 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6978 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6979 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6980 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6981 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6983 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6984 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6985 not going to church on Sunday.
6988 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6991 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6992 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6994 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6997 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6998 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6999 Brings good fortune.
7001 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7003 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7005 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7007 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7008 weight in other people's patience.
7011 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7013 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7014 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7015 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7020 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7021 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7022 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7023 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7024 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7025 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7026 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7027 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7028 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7030 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7032 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7033 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7036 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7037 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7039 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7040 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7041 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7042 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7043 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7044 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7045 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7046 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7047 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7049 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7051 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7052 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7054 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7056 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7057 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7058 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
7060 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7063 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7066 A hypothetical paradox:
7067 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7068 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7069 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7072 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7073 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7074 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7075 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7076 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7077 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7078 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
7079 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7080 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7081 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7082 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7083 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7084 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7085 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7090 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7091 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7092 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7093 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7094 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7095 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7096 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7097 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7098 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7099 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7100 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7101 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7102 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7103 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7104 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7105 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7106 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7107 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7108 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7109 T is for true, which does very little.
7110 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7111 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7112 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7113 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7114 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7115 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7116 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7118 A joint is just tea for two.
7120 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7122 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7125 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7128 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7130 Simply handed in through the window.
7131 There is certainly no blame in this.
7133 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7136 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7137 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7139 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7141 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7142 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7144 A king's castle is his home.
7146 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7147 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7148 words are superfluous.
7150 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7152 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7155 A lady with one of her ears applied
7156 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7157 Two female gossips in converse free --
7158 The subject engaging them was she.
7159 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7160 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7161 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7162 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7163 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7164 "To hear my character lied about!"
7167 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7168 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7171 A language that doesn't have everything is
7172 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7173 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7175 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7176 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7177 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7178 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7179 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7180 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7181 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7182 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7183 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7184 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7185 this here corn liquor?"
7186 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7187 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7188 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7189 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7190 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7191 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7192 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7193 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7196 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7197 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7200 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7201 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7202 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7203 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7204 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7205 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7206 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7207 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7208 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7209 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7210 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7211 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7213 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7214 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7216 A Law of Computer Programming:
7217 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7218 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7220 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7223 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7226 A lie in time saves nine.
7228 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7232 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7234 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7236 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7238 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7239 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7241 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7244 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7245 Into space that is quite economical.
7246 But the good ones I've seen
7247 So seldom are clean,
7248 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7250 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7251 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7254 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7257 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7259 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7262 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7263 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7265 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7266 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7267 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7268 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7269 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7271 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7272 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7273 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7274 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7275 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7276 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7279 A little word of doubtful number,
7280 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7281 If you add an "s" to this,
7282 Great is the metamorphosis.
7283 Plural is plural now no more,
7284 And sweet what bitter was before.
7287 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7289 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7291 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7292 Buy the negatives at any price.
7294 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7296 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7299 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7300 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7303 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7306 A major, with wonderful force,
7307 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7308 All the flowers looked round,
7309 But no horse could be found;
7310 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7312 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7315 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7316 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7318 A man always remembers his first love with special
7319 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7322 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7323 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7324 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7325 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7327 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7328 on the side to make it interesting?"
7330 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7334 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7337 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7338 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7339 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7341 A deep majestic voice answered,
7342 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7343 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7344 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7345 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7346 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7347 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7349 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7353 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7354 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7356 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7359 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7360 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7361 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7363 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7364 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7365 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7366 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7368 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7369 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7370 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7371 and he heads off into the distance.
7372 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7373 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7374 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7375 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7376 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7377 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7379 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7382 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7383 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7386 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7387 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7388 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7390 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7393 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7394 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7396 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7397 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7400 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7401 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7402 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7404 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7406 A man said to the Universe:
7408 "However," replied the Universe,
7409 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7412 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7413 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7414 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7415 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7416 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7418 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7419 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7420 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7421 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7422 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7423 just want to get my saddle back!"
7425 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7426 he is able to answer.
7429 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7431 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7432 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7433 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7434 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7435 wakes up and gives me hell."
7436 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7438 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7439 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7440 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7441 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7442 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7445 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7446 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7447 why did you Di......eeee"
7448 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7449 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7450 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7451 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7452 why....eeeee did you.."
7453 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7454 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7455 "My wife's first husband."
7457 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7458 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7460 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7463 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7464 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7466 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7467 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7469 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7471 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7473 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7474 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7476 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7478 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7480 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7482 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7483 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7484 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7485 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7486 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7488 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7490 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7492 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7493 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7495 A man's house is his castle.
7498 A man's house is his hassle.
7500 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7501 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7502 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7503 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7504 "What about you: do you see it?"
7505 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7506 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7507 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7508 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7509 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7511 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7512 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7513 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7514 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7516 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7517 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7518 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7520 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7522 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7525 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7527 A meeting is an event at which the
7528 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7530 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7531 but to protect the writer.
7534 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7535 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7538 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7539 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7540 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7541 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7542 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7543 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7544 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7545 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7546 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7547 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7548 fall over gently onto their backs.
7549 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7551 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7553 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7554 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7555 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7557 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7558 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7560 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7561 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7562 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7565 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7566 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7569 A mighty creature is the germ,
7570 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7571 His customary dwelling place
7572 Is deep within the human race.
7573 His childish pride he often pleases
7574 By giving people strange diseases.
7575 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7576 You probably contain a germ.
7579 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7581 A modem is a baudy house.
7583 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7584 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7587 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7588 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7589 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7590 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7591 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7592 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7593 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7594 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7595 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7596 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7597 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7598 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7601 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7602 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7605 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7607 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7609 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7611 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7613 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7614 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7617 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7618 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7620 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7623 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7625 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7626 will be to us a national blessing.
7627 -- Alexander Hamilton
7629 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7630 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7631 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7632 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7634 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7635 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7636 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7637 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7638 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7639 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7640 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7643 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7644 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7645 It is an ice cream koan.
7647 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7648 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7649 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7651 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7652 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7653 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7654 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7655 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7656 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7657 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7658 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7660 A New Way of Taking Pills
7661 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7662 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7663 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7664 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7665 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7667 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7668 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7670 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7671 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7672 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7673 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7674 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7675 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7676 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7677 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7678 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7679 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7680 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7681 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7682 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7686 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7687 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7688 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7689 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7690 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7691 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7692 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7693 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7694 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7697 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7698 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7700 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7703 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7704 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7707 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7709 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7711 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7712 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7715 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7717 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7718 enlightenment, several years later.
7723 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7724 With thought and sarcasm.
7726 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7728 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7729 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7731 A Parable of Modern Research:
7733 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7734 brightly lit corner.
7735 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7736 "I can only see here."
7738 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7739 -- William S. Burroughs
7741 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7744 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7746 A penny saved has not been spent.
7748 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7750 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7752 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7754 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7755 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7756 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7757 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7758 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7761 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7762 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7763 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7764 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7767 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7769 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7771 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7772 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7774 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7775 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7778 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7781 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
7784 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7785 gets out and goes into the office.
7786 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7787 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7788 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7790 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7791 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7793 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7794 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7796 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7797 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7798 "we're building a house".
7800 A pig is a jolly companion,
7801 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7802 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7803 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7804 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7805 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7806 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7807 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7808 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7809 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7811 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7812 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7814 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7815 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7817 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7818 referring to memory management system services.]
7820 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7823 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7824 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7827 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7829 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7831 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7832 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7833 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7834 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7835 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7836 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7838 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7839 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7840 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7841 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7842 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7844 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7846 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7847 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7850 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7853 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7855 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7856 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
7858 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7859 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7860 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7863 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7866 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7867 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7868 of yours to press against my heart.
7871 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7873 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7874 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7876 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7880 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7882 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7884 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7885 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7886 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7888 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7890 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7892 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7894 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7896 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7899 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7900 asks you not to kill him.
7901 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7903 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7904 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7906 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7908 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7909 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7910 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7911 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7912 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7913 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7914 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7915 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7916 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7918 A programming language is low level
7919 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7921 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7922 drink with -- even if he drank.
7925 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7926 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7927 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7928 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7929 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7930 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7931 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7932 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7933 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7934 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7936 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7937 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7940 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7941 your wife asks you for nothing.
7944 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7945 your wife will give you for free.
7947 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7948 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7949 was intended for her preservation.
7952 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7953 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7954 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7955 to make a travesty of the game.
7958 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7959 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7960 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7962 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7963 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7964 might be made an Archbishop."
7965 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7966 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7967 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7968 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7969 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7970 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7971 up from being the Pope?"
7972 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7973 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7975 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7976 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7979 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7980 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7983 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7985 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7986 his neighbor notice it.
7989 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7990 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7991 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7992 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7993 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
7994 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
7995 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
7996 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
7997 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
7998 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8000 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8001 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8003 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8004 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
8006 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8007 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8009 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8010 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8011 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8012 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8014 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8015 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8016 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8019 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8020 people what to do with their money.
8021 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8023 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8026 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8027 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8030 A robin redbreast in a cage
8031 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8034 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8035 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8036 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8038 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8040 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8042 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8045 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8046 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8047 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8048 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8051 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8052 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8053 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8054 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8055 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8056 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8057 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8058 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8059 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8060 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8061 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8062 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8063 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8064 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8065 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8067 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8068 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8069 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8070 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8071 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8072 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8073 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8074 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8075 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8077 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8078 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8079 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8081 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8083 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8084 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8085 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8087 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8088 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8089 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8092 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8094 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8095 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8096 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8097 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8098 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8099 the vocation must fit the individual.
8100 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8102 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8104 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8105 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8106 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8109 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8110 the vexation of thinking.
8111 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8113 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8114 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8115 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8116 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8118 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8119 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8121 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8123 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8124 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8128 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8131 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8132 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8133 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8134 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8135 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8136 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8137 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8138 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8139 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8140 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8141 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8142 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8143 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8145 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8146 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8147 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8148 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8149 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8150 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8151 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8152 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8153 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8154 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8155 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8156 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8157 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8159 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8162 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8165 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8166 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8167 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8170 I knew the language of the floweret;
8171 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8172 Love long has taken for his amulet
8175 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8176 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8177 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8179 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8181 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8184 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8186 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8188 A snake lurks in the grass.
8189 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8191 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8192 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8193 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8195 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8196 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8197 which is on its way out.
8200 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8203 A soft drink turneth away company.
8205 A song in time is worth a dime.
8207 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8208 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8209 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8210 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8211 "How are you?" they ask.
8212 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8213 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8214 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8215 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8216 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8218 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8219 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8220 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8221 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8223 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8224 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8225 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8226 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8228 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8230 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8232 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8235 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8236 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8237 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8238 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8240 A stitch in time saves nine.
8242 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8245 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8249 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8250 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8251 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8252 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8253 the student with a stick.
8255 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8257 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8259 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8260 undreamed of by its author.
8263 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8267 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8268 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8269 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8270 new versions of their own innards!
8273 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8274 -- by Charles Dickens
8276 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8278 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8281 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8283 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8284 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8286 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8289 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8291 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8292 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8294 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8295 -- by Charles Dickens
8297 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8298 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8301 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8302 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8304 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8305 feels guilty and apologizes.
8307 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8310 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8312 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8314 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8316 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8317 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8319 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8320 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8322 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8323 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8326 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8327 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8329 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8332 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8333 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8334 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8336 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8337 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8339 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8340 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8341 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8342 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8343 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8344 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8345 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8346 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8347 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8348 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8349 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8350 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8352 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8354 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8355 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8357 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8360 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8361 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8364 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8367 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8369 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8371 A truth that's told with bad intent
8372 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8375 A university is what a college becomes
8376 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8379 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8380 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8382 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8383 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8384 She found a good way
8385 To combine work and play:
8386 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8388 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8389 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8390 -- Tennessee Williams
8392 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8395 A very intelligent turtle
8396 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8397 The system, you see,
8398 Ran as slow as did he,
8399 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8401 A violent man will die a violent death.
8404 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8406 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8408 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8410 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8413 A watched clock never boils.
8415 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8416 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8418 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8420 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8421 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8422 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8423 Software rots if not used.
8425 These are great mysteries.
8426 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8428 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8431 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8432 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8434 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8435 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8437 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8440 A witty saying proves nothing.
8443 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8446 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8447 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8448 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8449 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8450 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8451 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8452 near your person at all times.
8453 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8455 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8456 were quite a struggle.
8459 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8461 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8462 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8463 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8465 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8468 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8469 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8472 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8473 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8476 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8477 thankful for a good one.
8478 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8480 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8484 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8485 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8488 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8492 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8493 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8494 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8495 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8497 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8500 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8501 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8502 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8503 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8504 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8505 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8506 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8507 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8509 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8510 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8511 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8513 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8514 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8516 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8518 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8521 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8522 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8524 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8525 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8527 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8529 A word to the wise is enough.
8530 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8532 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8533 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8534 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8535 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8536 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8537 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8538 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8540 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8541 what he writes fiction.
8544 A yawn is a silent shout.
8547 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8549 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8550 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8551 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8553 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8554 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8555 have that!" she gushed.
8556 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8557 window and grabbing the ring.
8558 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8559 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8560 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8562 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8563 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8564 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8566 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8567 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8568 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8569 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8570 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8571 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8572 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8573 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8574 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8575 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8576 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8577 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8578 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8579 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8580 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8581 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8582 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8583 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8584 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8585 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8588 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8590 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8591 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8592 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8593 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8594 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8595 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8597 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8599 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8600 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8602 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8604 Abbott's Admonitions:
8605 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8606 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8608 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8610 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8611 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8613 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8614 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8615 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8616 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8617 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8618 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8619 And to the presence in the room he said,
8620 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8621 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8622 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8623 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8624 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8625 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8626 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8627 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8628 It came again with a great wakening light,
8629 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8630 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8631 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8633 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8635 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8637 About the only thing we have left that actually
8638 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8640 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8643 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8644 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8645 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8647 Above all else - sky.
8649 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8651 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8654 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8655 and miss the return train.
8657 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8658 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8661 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8662 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8665 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8666 it enkindles the great.
8668 Absence makes the heart forget.
8670 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8672 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8675 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8677 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8680 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8684 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8685 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8686 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8688 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8692 A weak person who yields to the
8693 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8694 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8697 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8698 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8699 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8700 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8701 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8702 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8703 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8704 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8705 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8706 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8707 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8708 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8711 A statement or belief manifestly
8712 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8713 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8715 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8716 because the stakes are so low.
8719 Academicians care, that's who.
8722 A modern school where football is taught.
8724 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8726 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8728 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8731 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8733 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8734 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8736 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8739 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8740 but absence of body is better.
8741 -- Foolish Dictionary
8744 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8745 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8746 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8747 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8748 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8750 Accidents cause History.
8752 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8753 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8754 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8755 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8756 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8757 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8759 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8760 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8761 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8762 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8763 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8764 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8765 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8766 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8767 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8768 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8769 sheepish grin" comes from.
8771 According to all the latest reports,
8772 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8774 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8775 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8776 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8777 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8780 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8781 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8783 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8785 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8786 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8788 According to the latest official figures,
8789 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8791 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8794 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8795 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8796 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8797 beat up their city anytime.
8801 A bagpipe with pleats.
8804 The vice of being right
8806 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8808 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8811 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8812 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8813 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8814 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8816 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8818 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8819 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8820 well, I think of my sex life.
8825 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8826 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8827 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8828 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8829 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8830 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8831 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
8832 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8833 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8835 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8836 everyone glued in their seats!"
8837 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8840 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8841 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8842 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8843 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8845 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8847 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8848 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8849 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8851 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8853 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8854 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8856 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8857 only have one floor to go to.
8859 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8860 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8861 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8862 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8863 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8866 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8869 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8870 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8872 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8874 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8875 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8878 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8879 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8881 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8882 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
8884 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8885 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8886 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8887 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
8889 Adding sound to movies would be like
8890 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8891 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
8893 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8894 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8896 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8898 Adler's Distinction:
8899 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8900 and from the bureaucrats.
8903 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8904 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8907 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8909 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8914 To venerate expectantly.
8915 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8918 One old enough to know better.
8922 Advancement in position.
8924 Advertisements contain the only
8925 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8928 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8929 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8932 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8935 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8936 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8939 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8940 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8943 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8945 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8947 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8948 then at least be aseptic.
8950 African violet: Such worth is rare
8951 Apple blossom: Preference
8952 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8953 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8954 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
8955 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8956 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8957 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8961 Forget-me-not: True love
8963 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8964 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8965 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8966 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8967 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8968 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8969 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8970 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8971 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8972 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8974 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8975 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8976 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8977 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8978 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8979 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8980 especially that which is prohibited.
8981 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8982 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8984 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8985 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8986 more advanced than the lichen family.
8987 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8989 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8991 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8992 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8993 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8994 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8995 And presents aren't promises
8996 And you begin to accept your defeats
8997 With your head up and your eyes open,
8998 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8999 And you learn to build all your roads
9000 On today because tomorrow's ground
9001 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9002 A way of falling down in midflight,
9003 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9004 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9005 For someone to bring you flowers.
9006 And you learn that you really can endure...
9007 That you really are strong,
9008 And you really do have worth
9009 And you learn and learn
9010 With every goodbye you learn.
9011 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9013 After all, all he did was string together
9014 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9015 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9017 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9019 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9022 After all my erstwhile dear,
9023 My no longer cherished,
9024 Need we say it was not love,
9025 Just because it perished?
9026 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9028 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9029 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9030 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9033 After an instrument has been assembled,
9034 extra components will be found on the bench.
9036 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9037 month than you did before.
9039 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9040 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9041 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9042 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9043 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9044 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9045 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9046 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9047 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9048 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9049 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9050 that it sinks like a stone.
9051 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9053 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9054 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9055 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9056 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9057 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9058 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9059 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9060 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9061 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9062 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9063 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9064 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9065 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9067 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9068 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9069 cost to others, to win advancement.
9072 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9074 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9075 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9077 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9078 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9079 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9080 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9081 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9082 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9083 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9084 one foot in his mouth.)
9085 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9087 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9090 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9091 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9092 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9093 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9094 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9096 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9097 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9099 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9100 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9101 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9102 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9103 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9104 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9105 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9106 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9107 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9108 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9109 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9110 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9111 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9112 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9114 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9115 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9116 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9118 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9119 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9120 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9121 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9122 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9124 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9125 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9126 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9127 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9128 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9129 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9130 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9132 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9133 straight to the point.
9134 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9136 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9137 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9139 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9142 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9145 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9147 Against Idleness and Mischief
9149 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9150 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9151 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9152 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9154 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9155 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9156 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9157 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9158 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9160 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9161 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9163 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9165 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9168 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9169 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9172 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9173 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9174 enterprise to commit.
9175 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9178 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9180 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9182 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9183 Or what's a heaven for ?
9184 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9186 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9189 For all dreams are not equal,
9190 some exit to nightmare
9191 most end with the dreamer
9193 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9195 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9196 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9197 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9198 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9201 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9203 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9205 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9207 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9208 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9209 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9210 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9211 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9212 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9214 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9216 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9217 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9219 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9222 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9223 -- The Mad Dogtender
9225 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9226 bring me a message from a young man.
9229 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9231 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9234 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9235 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9237 Air is water with holes in it.
9240 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9241 the fattening of the poor.
9242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9244 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9246 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9247 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9248 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9250 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9251 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9253 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9254 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9255 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9256 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9258 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9259 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9261 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9262 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9267 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9268 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9269 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9270 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9273 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9274 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9275 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9276 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9277 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9280 Social innovations tend to the level
9281 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9283 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9284 The surest poison is time.
9285 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9287 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9288 -- George Bernard Shaw
9291 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9293 (2) Always be backlit.
9294 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9296 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9297 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9298 You take one down, and pass it around,
9299 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9301 Alex Haley was adopted!
9303 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9304 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9306 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9307 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9308 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9310 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9311 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9313 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9314 important programming language yet developed.
9318 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9320 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9322 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9323 them keeps paying for it.
9326 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9329 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9332 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9334 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9336 Alive without breath,
9338 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9339 All in mail ever clinking.
9341 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9343 All art is but imitation of nature.
9344 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9346 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9347 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9348 Catiline", by Sallust
9350 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9354 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9355 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9357 All constants are variables.
9359 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9362 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9364 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9369 Smoke a friend today.
9371 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9374 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9376 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9378 All Gods were immortal.
9379 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9381 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9384 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9386 All heiresses are beautiful.
9389 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9390 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9393 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9396 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9398 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9401 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9402 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9405 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9406 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9407 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9410 All I need to have a good time,
9411 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9412 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9413 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9415 All I want is to never grow old,
9416 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9417 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9418 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9420 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9421 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9422 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9423 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9424 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9426 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9427 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9429 All intelligent species own cats.
9431 All is fear in love and war.
9433 All is well that ends well.
9436 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9437 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9438 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9439 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9440 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9441 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9443 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9446 All laws are simulations of reality.
9449 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9452 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9456 All men have the right to wait in line.
9458 All men know the utility of useful things;
9459 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9462 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9463 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9464 To believe none so is something worse.
9465 -- John Quincy Adams
9467 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9468 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9471 All most people ask of life is a constant
9472 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9474 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9476 All my friends and I are crazy.
9477 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9479 All my friends are getting married,
9480 Yes, they're all growing old,
9481 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9482 They're all doing what they're told.
9484 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9488 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9490 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9491 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9493 All of the animals except man know that
9494 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9496 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9497 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9498 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9499 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9502 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9503 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9505 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9506 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9507 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9508 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9509 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9511 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9515 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9516 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9517 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9519 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9521 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9524 All phone calls are obscene.
9525 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9527 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9530 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9532 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9533 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9534 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9535 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9536 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9537 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9539 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9541 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9543 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9544 to live beyond its income.
9545 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9547 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9548 -- Ernest Rutherford
9550 All seems condemned in the long run
9551 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9554 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9557 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9559 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9561 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9563 All that is gold does not glitter,
9564 Not all those who wander are lost;
9565 The old that is strong does not wither,
9566 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9567 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9568 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9569 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9570 The crownless again shall be king.
9573 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9574 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9575 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9576 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9577 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9578 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9580 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9582 All the evidence concerning the universe
9583 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9585 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9586 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9587 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9588 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9590 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9591 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9592 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9593 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9595 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9596 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9597 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9598 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9600 I've read all the greats
9601 Both starving and fat,
9602 But none was as great as
9603 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9604 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9606 All the men on my staff can type.
9609 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9612 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9616 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9619 All the simple programs have been written.
9621 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9622 the government in less than a second.
9625 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9627 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9630 All the world's a VAX,
9631 And all the coders merely butchers;
9632 They have their exits and their entrails;
9633 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9634 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9635 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9636 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9637 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9638 Unwillingly to school.
9639 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9641 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9642 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9643 -- Richard P. Feynman
9645 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9647 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9649 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9650 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9652 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9653 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9656 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9658 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9659 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9661 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9662 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9666 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9667 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9668 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9670 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9672 All who joy would win Must share it --
9673 Happiness was born a twin.
9676 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9678 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9679 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9680 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9681 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9685 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9688 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9689 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9690 cannot separately plunder a third.
9691 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9693 All's well that ends.
9695 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9696 about today's software design would be accurate.
9701 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9703 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9704 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9706 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9707 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9708 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9709 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9710 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9711 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9713 caaa, n: An automobile.
9714 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9715 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9716 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9717 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9719 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9721 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9722 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9725 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9726 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9727 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9728 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9729 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9730 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9731 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9732 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9734 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9736 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9737 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9738 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9739 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9740 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9741 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9742 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9743 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9744 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9745 running the post office.
9746 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9748 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9749 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9750 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9751 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9752 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9753 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9754 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9755 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9756 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
9758 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
9760 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9762 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9765 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9767 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9769 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9772 Always store beer in a dark place.
9774 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9775 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9777 Always there remain portions of our heart
9778 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9780 Always think of something new; this
9781 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9784 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9787 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9790 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9791 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9794 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9795 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9798 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9799 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9802 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9804 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9808 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9809 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9810 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9812 America: born free and taxed to death.
9814 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9817 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9820 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9821 and the scum rises to the top.
9824 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9825 -- President John F. Kennedy
9827 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9828 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9829 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9830 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9831 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
9833 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9834 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9835 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9836 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9837 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9838 by the majority they were at the time.
9839 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9841 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9842 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9844 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9845 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9848 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9849 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9851 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9853 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9855 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9856 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9857 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9858 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9859 pictures on the doors.
9860 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9862 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9864 American cars are made shoddily...
9865 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9868 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9869 we allow them short of hanging.
9872 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9873 tail it knocks over a chair.
9876 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9877 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9880 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9882 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9883 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9884 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9886 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9888 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9891 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9892 and divide at the same time.
9894 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9895 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407
9897 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9899 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9900 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9902 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9905 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9906 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
9908 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9910 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9911 people refuse to see it.
9912 -- James Michener, "Space"
9914 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9915 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9916 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9917 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9919 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9922 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9925 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9926 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9927 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
9929 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9930 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9931 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9932 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9935 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9938 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9939 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9940 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9941 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9942 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9943 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9944 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9946 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9947 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9948 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9950 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9951 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9953 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9955 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9956 transportation everywhere."
9957 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9958 R: "We take the train."
9959 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9960 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9961 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9964 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9965 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9967 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9968 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9969 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9972 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9973 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9976 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9978 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9980 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9982 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9984 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9986 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9988 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9991 An attachment a la Plato
9992 for a bashful young potato
9993 or a, not too French, french bean
9994 must excite your languid spleen.
9995 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9996 with a poppy or lily
9997 in your medieval hand,
9999 as you walk your flowery way;
10000 "If this young man is content,
10001 with a vegetable love
10002 which would certainly not content me.
10003 Why, what a very pure young man
10004 this pure young man must be!"
10005 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10006 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10008 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10009 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10010 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10011 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10012 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10013 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10015 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10016 really care to know.
10018 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10020 An economist is a man who would marry
10021 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10023 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10026 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10028 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10029 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10030 -- Winston Churchill
10032 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10033 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10036 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10037 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10038 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10039 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10040 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10041 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10042 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10043 I've already paid them half of it."
10044 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10045 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10047 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10049 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10050 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10051 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10052 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10053 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10054 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10055 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10056 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10057 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10058 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10060 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10062 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10063 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10064 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10065 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10067 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10070 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10072 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10073 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10074 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10075 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10076 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10079 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10080 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10081 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10082 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10083 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10084 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10085 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10086 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10087 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10088 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10089 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10090 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10092 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10094 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10098 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10102 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10103 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10104 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10106 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10107 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10109 An eye in a blue face
10110 Saw an eye in a green face.
10111 "That eye is like this eye"
10112 Said the first eye,
10114 Not in high place."
10116 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10117 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10118 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10119 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10120 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10121 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10122 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10123 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10124 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10125 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10126 He let go by the things of yesterday
10127 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10128 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10129 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10130 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10131 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10132 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10133 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10134 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10135 Was he to study till his head wend round
10136 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10137 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10138 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10139 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10141 [well, almost. Ed.]
10143 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10146 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10147 bought they stay bought.
10150 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10151 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10153 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10154 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10156 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10158 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10160 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10163 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10165 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10166 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10169 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10172 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10173 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10174 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10175 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10176 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10177 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10179 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10180 -- Benjamin Franklin
10182 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10183 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10184 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10185 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10186 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10187 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10188 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10189 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10190 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10191 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10192 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10193 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10194 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10195 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10198 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10201 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10202 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10204 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10206 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10209 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10212 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10214 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10217 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10218 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10219 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10220 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10221 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10222 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10223 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10225 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10226 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10227 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10228 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10229 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10230 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10232 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10233 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10234 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10235 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10236 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10237 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10238 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10240 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10241 Let our chant fill the void
10242 That others may know
10244 In the land of the night
10245 The ship of the sun
10248 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10250 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10251 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10252 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10253 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10254 And did the Countenance Divine
10255 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10256 And was Jerusalem builded here
10257 Among these dark satanic mills?
10259 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10260 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10261 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10262 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10263 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10264 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10265 Till we have built Jerusalem
10266 In England's green and pleasant land.
10267 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10269 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10271 And ever has it been known that
10272 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10275 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10276 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10277 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10278 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10279 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10280 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10281 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10282 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10283 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10284 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10285 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10286 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10287 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10288 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10289 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10290 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10291 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10293 And here I wait so patiently
10294 Waiting to find out what price
10295 You have to pay to get out of
10296 Going thru all of these things twice
10297 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10299 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10301 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10302 As they strolled out of sight,
10303 "Merry Christmas to all --
10304 You take credit cards, right?"
10305 -- "Outsiders" comic
10307 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10308 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10309 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10310 them, aren't braced against them.
10311 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10313 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10314 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10315 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10316 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10318 And if California slides into the ocean,
10319 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10320 I predict this motel will be standing,
10321 Until I've paid my bill.
10322 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10324 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10325 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10329 As I am heading for the sink.
10330 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10331 Along with half of my last drink.
10333 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10334 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10337 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10338 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10341 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10344 And miles to go before I sleep.
10346 And now for something completely the same.
10348 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10349 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10350 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10351 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10353 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10354 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10355 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10356 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10358 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10359 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10360 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10361 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10363 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10364 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10365 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10366 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10369 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10371 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10373 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10375 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10378 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10379 Mama'd come to school
10380 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10381 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10382 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10383 but you know yourself
10384 it's always somewhere else
10385 I'd build me a castle
10386 with dragons and kings
10387 and I'd ride off with them
10388 As I stood by my window
10389 and looked out on those
10391 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10393 And so it was, later,
10394 As the miller told his tale,
10395 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10396 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10399 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10400 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10401 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10402 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10403 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10404 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10405 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10406 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10407 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10409 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10411 And that's the way it is...
10414 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10415 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10416 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10417 clothes! He is naked!"
10418 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10420 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10421 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10422 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10423 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10424 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10425 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10427 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10428 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10429 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10431 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10432 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10434 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10435 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10436 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10437 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10438 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10440 And this is good old Boston,
10441 The home of the bean and the cod,
10442 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10443 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10445 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10446 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10448 And we heard him exclaim
10449 As he started to roam:
10450 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10451 please don't try this at home!'"
10454 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10455 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10456 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10457 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10458 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10459 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10460 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10461 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10462 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10463 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10464 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10465 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10466 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10467 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10469 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10470 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10471 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10472 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10473 -- The Grateful Dead
10475 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10476 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10477 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10478 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10479 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10480 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10483 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10484 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10485 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10486 face, we have politics.
10487 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10488 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10490 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10491 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10493 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10494 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10495 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10497 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10499 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10500 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10501 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10503 Andrea's Admonition:
10504 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10505 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10506 it isn't and he can.
10511 Angels we have heard on High
10512 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10515 Anger is momentary madness.
10518 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10520 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10521 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10524 Ankh if you love Isis.
10526 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10528 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10530 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10531 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10532 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10533 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10534 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10537 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10539 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10541 Another day, another dollar.
10542 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10543 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10546 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10548 Another megabytes the dust.
10550 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10551 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10552 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10553 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10554 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10556 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10559 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10562 Anthony's Law of Force:
10563 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10565 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10566 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10567 corner of the workshop.
10570 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10573 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10574 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10576 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10579 Was tired of living alonio
10580 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10581 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10582 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10584 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10586 Said if you will be my ownio
10587 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10588 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10589 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10591 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10593 Uttered a dismal moanio
10594 And went off and hid
10595 Or I'm told that he did
10596 In the Antartical Zonio.
10599 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10601 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10602 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10603 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10604 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10605 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10606 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10607 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10608 cars across Europe.
10610 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10611 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10613 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10616 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10617 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10618 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10619 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10620 Is there a better way to die?
10621 -- Charles Lindbergh
10623 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10624 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10625 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10626 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10627 -- Richard Schickel
10629 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10632 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10633 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10635 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10636 wise person to be able to sell it.
10638 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10642 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10646 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10648 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10650 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10651 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10652 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10653 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10657 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10659 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10660 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10661 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10662 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10663 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10665 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10666 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10668 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10669 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10670 be deemed to be a cat.
10671 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10673 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10674 -- Sydney J. Harris
10676 Any president should have the right to shoot
10677 at least two people a year without explanation.
10678 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10680 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10683 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10687 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10689 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10691 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10692 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10693 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10694 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10696 Any small object that is accidentally
10697 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10699 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10700 exactly the point of most pressure.
10703 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10706 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10708 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10709 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10711 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10712 given proper legal counsel.
10713 -- Alfred Perlstein
10715 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10718 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10719 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10721 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10723 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10724 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10727 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10728 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10731 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10732 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10734 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10736 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10737 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10738 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10741 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10742 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10745 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10748 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10751 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10752 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10753 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10754 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10755 thought on every occasion.
10756 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10758 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10760 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10761 extremely humble opinion.
10765 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10766 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10767 make messes in the house.
10768 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10770 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10773 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10774 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10776 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10779 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10780 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10781 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10782 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10783 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10785 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10786 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10789 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10790 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10791 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10793 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10794 account be allowed to do the job.
10795 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10797 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10798 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10799 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10800 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10802 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10805 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10806 tried taking candy from a baby.
10809 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10812 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10814 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10816 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10818 Anything is possible on paper.
10821 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10823 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10824 The label means the price went up.
10825 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10826 means the price went way up.
10828 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10830 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10831 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10832 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10834 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10836 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10837 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10838 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10839 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10840 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10841 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10842 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10843 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10844 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10846 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10847 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10849 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10852 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10853 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10856 A concise, clever statement.
10858 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10859 -- James Alexander Thom
10861 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10863 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10864 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10866 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10868 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10869 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10872 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10873 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10876 Appearances often are deceiving.
10880 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10883 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10884 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10886 April is the cruelest month...
10887 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10889 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10890 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10891 faucet on and off with your toes.
10892 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10894 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10895 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10896 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10897 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10898 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10900 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10901 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10902 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10903 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10904 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10906 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10907 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10908 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10909 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10910 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10911 able to lend you a few bucks.
10913 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10914 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10915 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10916 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10917 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10918 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10921 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10922 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10923 general can be said."
10925 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10926 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10930 Are we running light with overbyte?
10933 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10934 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10935 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10938 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10939 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10941 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10942 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10943 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10944 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10945 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10946 Don't you know any better?
10947 How could you be so stupid?
10948 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10949 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10950 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10952 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10953 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10955 Do as I say, not as I do.
10956 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10957 What did you do *this* time?
10958 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10959 When I was your age...
10960 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10961 Think of all the starving children in India.
10962 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10963 I'm going to kill you.
10965 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10967 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10968 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10970 Go away. You bother me.
10971 Why? Because life is unfair.
10972 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10973 Children should be seen and not heard.
10974 You'll be the death of me.
10975 You'll understand when you're older.
10977 Wipe that smile off your face.
10978 I don't believe you.
10979 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10982 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10983 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10985 Good children always obey.
10986 Quit acting so childish.
10988 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10989 Why do you have to know so much?
10990 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10991 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10992 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10994 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10996 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10997 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10999 When are you going to grow up?
11000 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11001 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11003 What's wrong with you?
11004 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11005 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11006 Don't you have any sense at all?
11007 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11008 Why? Because I said so.
11009 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11011 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11012 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11014 You wouldn't understand.
11015 You ask too many questions.
11016 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11017 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11018 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11020 You're acting too big for your britches.
11021 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11022 Wait till your father gets home.
11023 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11024 Shape up or ship out.
11028 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11030 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11032 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11033 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11035 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11036 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11039 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
11040 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11042 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11043 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11044 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11047 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11048 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11049 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11050 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11053 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11054 the world's developed countries.
11056 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11060 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11062 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11063 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11068 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11070 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11071 If the check is truly in the mail,
11072 it is surely made out to someone else.
11075 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11077 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11078 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11079 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11080 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11083 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11084 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11085 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11086 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11088 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11089 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11090 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11091 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11093 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11094 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11096 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11097 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11098 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11099 piece would be better known as:
11100 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11102 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11103 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11104 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11106 Art is a jealous mistress.
11107 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11109 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11112 Art is anything you can get away with.
11113 -- Marshall McLuhan
11115 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11118 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11121 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11122 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11124 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11126 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11127 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11128 remind them of someone else.
11129 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11130 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11131 of yourself in person.
11134 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11135 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11136 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11137 Article the Fourth:
11138 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11139 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11140 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11142 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11143 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11144 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11145 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11146 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11148 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11149 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11152 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11154 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11156 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11157 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11158 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11159 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11160 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11162 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11163 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11164 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11167 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11168 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11169 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11171 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11172 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11173 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11174 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11176 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11177 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11178 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11179 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11181 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11182 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11184 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11185 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11186 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11189 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11190 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11193 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11196 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11197 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11199 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11200 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11201 -- Frederic Reynolds
11203 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11204 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11207 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11209 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11212 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11213 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11214 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11215 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11216 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11217 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11218 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11219 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11220 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11223 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11224 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11227 As I thought, no better from this side.
11230 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11231 Feeling worse and worser,
11232 There I met a C.R.T.
11233 And it drop't me a cursor.
11236 Phosphors light on you!
11237 If I had fifty hours a day
11238 I'd spend them all at you.
11239 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11241 As I was passing Project MAC,
11242 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11243 Every hack had seven bugs;
11244 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11245 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11246 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11247 How many losses at Project MAC?
11249 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11250 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11251 The words were torn and tattered,
11252 From the storm the night before,
11253 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11255 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11256 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11257 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11258 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11260 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11261 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11262 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11263 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11265 As in certain cults it is possible to
11266 kill a process if you know its true name.
11267 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11269 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11270 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11271 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11272 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11273 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11274 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11275 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11276 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11277 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11278 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11279 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11280 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11281 on the austerity of the word.
11282 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11284 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11285 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11286 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11287 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11289 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11291 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11293 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11294 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11295 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11297 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11298 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11299 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11301 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11302 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11303 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11305 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11307 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11308 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11309 3. Some people never look at me.
11310 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11311 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11312 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11313 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11314 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11315 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11316 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11317 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11318 12. I cannot read or write.
11319 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11320 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11321 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11322 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11323 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11324 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11325 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11326 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11328 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11329 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11330 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11332 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11334 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11335 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11337 4. I like mannish children.
11338 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11339 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11340 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11341 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11342 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11343 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11344 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11346 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11347 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11348 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11349 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11350 16. My eyes are always cold.
11351 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11352 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11353 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11354 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11356 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11357 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11358 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11359 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11360 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11361 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11362 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11363 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11364 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11366 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11367 Please update your programs.
11369 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11370 Please update your programs.
11372 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11374 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11375 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11377 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11379 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11380 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11381 Keywords: C sources
11384 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11385 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11386 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11387 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11389 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11390 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11391 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11394 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11395 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11396 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11397 conversion to a new computer system.
11399 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11400 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11401 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11402 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11403 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11405 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11406 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11407 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11408 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11410 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11412 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11413 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11416 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11417 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11418 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11419 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11420 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11421 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11422 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11424 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11425 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11426 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11428 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11429 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11430 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11431 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11433 -- Benjamin Franklin
11435 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11436 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11438 As Will Rogers would have said,
11439 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11441 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11442 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11443 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11444 proper time for chocolate.
11445 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11447 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11448 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11451 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11452 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11453 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11454 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11455 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11456 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11457 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11458 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11459 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11460 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11461 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11462 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11463 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11466 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11467 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11468 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11469 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11470 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11471 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11472 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11473 spider is suing you for damages.
11475 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11476 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11478 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11481 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11482 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11483 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11487 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11489 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11491 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11492 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11494 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11495 one went to Harvard).
11496 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11498 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11499 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11502 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11504 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11505 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11507 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11510 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11513 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11514 -- John Stuart Mill
11516 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11517 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11518 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11519 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11520 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11521 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11522 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11523 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11524 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11525 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11526 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11527 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11528 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11529 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11530 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11531 -- Garrison Keillor
11533 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11534 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11535 -- Christopher Hampton
11538 The masculine of "lass".
11540 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11541 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11544 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11545 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11546 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11547 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11550 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11552 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11553 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11555 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11556 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11557 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11558 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11559 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11560 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11561 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11562 a computer problem?"
11563 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11564 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11565 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11566 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11567 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11568 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11569 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11571 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11573 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11574 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11575 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11576 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11578 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11579 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11580 ignorance upon the shore.
11583 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11584 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11585 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11586 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11588 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11589 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11590 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11591 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11592 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11593 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11594 function as a normal person.
11596 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11597 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11602 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11603 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11604 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11606 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11608 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11609 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11610 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11612 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11613 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11616 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11619 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11621 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11622 thumb with a hammer.
11623 -- Marshall Lumsden
11625 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11626 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11627 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11628 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11629 after fact and reason.
11632 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11633 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11636 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11637 and no further activities are scheduled.
11639 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11640 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11641 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11642 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11644 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11645 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11646 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11647 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11648 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11649 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11650 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11652 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11654 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11655 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11656 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11657 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11658 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11659 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11660 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11661 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11663 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11664 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11665 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11666 guess who's going to die soon!"
11668 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11669 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11671 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11672 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11674 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11675 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11678 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11679 number of pens that person is carrying.
11681 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11684 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11686 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11689 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11690 -- Winston Churchill
11692 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11693 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11697 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11698 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11699 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11700 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11701 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11702 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11705 A gyp off the old block.
11707 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11711 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11713 Auribus teneo lupum.
11714 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11717 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11719 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11720 depths they were once able to plumb.
11723 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11724 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11727 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11732 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11734 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11735 They're a dime a dozen.
11737 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11739 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11740 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11742 Avoid reality at all costs.
11744 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11745 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11746 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11748 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11750 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11751 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11752 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11753 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11755 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11756 bad fiction contest.
11759 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11760 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11761 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11764 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11767 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11769 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11770 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11771 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11772 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11773 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11774 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11775 Business before pleasure."
11777 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11778 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11779 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11780 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11781 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11782 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11783 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11784 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11785 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11786 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11787 never really caught on.
11789 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11790 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11792 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11793 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11795 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11797 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11799 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11800 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11804 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11805 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11806 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11807 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11808 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11811 Bagdikian's Observation:
11812 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11813 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11815 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11816 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11818 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11819 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11820 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11825 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11829 Fear of being buried alive.
11838 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11840 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11842 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11843 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11844 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11847 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11848 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11850 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11853 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11855 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11856 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11857 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11858 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11859 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11861 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11862 floor -- especially in the dark.
11865 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11868 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11869 what kind of weather we are having.
11870 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11872 Barth's Distinction:
11873 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11874 types, and those who don't.
11876 Baruch's Observation:
11877 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11879 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11882 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11885 Basic Definitions of Science:
11886 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11887 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11888 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11890 Basic is a high level languish.
11891 APL is a high level anguish.
11893 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11895 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11899 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11900 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11902 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11903 come in and sink my boats.
11907 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11908 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11909 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11911 Batteries not included.
11914 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11915 will not yield to the tongue.
11916 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11918 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11919 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11921 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11923 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11925 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11926 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11928 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11930 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11933 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11935 Be careful! Is it classified?
11937 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11939 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11940 situations that can't bear inspection.
11942 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11945 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11946 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11948 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11950 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11953 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11955 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11956 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11958 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11959 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11962 Be different: conform.
11964 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11965 the issue afterwards.
11967 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11968 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11970 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11973 Insult a rich relative today.
11975 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11976 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11978 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11981 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11982 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11984 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11986 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11987 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11989 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11990 and original in your work.
11993 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11995 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11998 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12000 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12002 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12003 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12007 In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
12008 from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
12009 In war: where soldiers die.
12011 Beam me up, Scotty!
12013 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12015 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12017 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12020 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12022 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12024 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12026 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12029 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12030 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12033 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12037 Because I do not hope,
12038 Because I do not hope to survive
12039 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12040 Because I do, only do,
12044 Because the wine remembers.
12046 Because we don't think about future generations,
12047 they will never forget us.
12051 What did you bring back for me?
12053 Been Transferred Lately?
12055 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12057 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12059 Bees are very busy souls
12060 They have no time for birth controls
12061 And that is why in times like these
12062 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12064 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12065 -- Addison H. Hallock
12067 Before destruction a man's heart is
12068 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12071 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12072 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12073 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12074 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12075 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12079 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12081 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12082 they are "Let's eat out."
12084 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12085 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12087 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12089 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12091 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12092 you really want to know the answers.
12093 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12095 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12096 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12100 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12101 you won't have to watch commercials.
12103 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12104 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12106 Beggars should be no choosers.
12109 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12111 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12113 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12115 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12116 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12117 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12121 Behold the unborn foetus and
12122 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12123 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12124 An enemy civilian).
12126 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12127 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12129 Beifeld's Principle:
12130 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12131 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12132 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12133 looking and richer male friend.
12135 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12137 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12138 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12139 opposite applies with the judges.
12140 -- Beyond the Fringe
12142 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12143 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12146 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12147 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12148 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12149 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12150 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12152 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12153 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12154 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12155 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12157 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12159 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12160 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12162 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12163 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12166 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12167 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12170 Being owned by someone used to be called
12171 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12173 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12175 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12176 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12177 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12179 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12182 Something you do not believe.
12184 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12188 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12190 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12193 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12194 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12195 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12196 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12198 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12202 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12204 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12205 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12207 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12208 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12211 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12212 none of his friends like him either.
12215 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12216 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12217 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12218 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12219 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12220 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12221 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12222 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12223 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12224 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12225 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12226 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12227 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12228 "The test or the room?"
12229 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12230 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12231 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12232 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12233 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12235 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12238 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12239 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12240 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12242 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12244 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12246 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12247 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12249 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12252 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12253 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12254 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12255 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12258 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12259 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12261 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12262 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12263 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12264 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12265 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12266 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12267 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12268 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12270 Best Mistakes In Films
12271 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12272 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12274 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12275 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12276 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12277 with television aerials.
12278 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12279 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12281 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12282 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12283 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12285 Best of all is never to have been born.
12286 Second best is to die soon.
12289 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12290 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12291 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12293 Better by far you should forget and
12294 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12295 -- Christina Rossetti
12297 Better dead than mellow.
12299 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12300 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12302 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12304 Better late than never.
12305 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12307 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12312 santa claus <north pole >town
12314 cat /etc/passwd >list
12317 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12318 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12319 santa claus <north pole > town
12321 who | grep sleeping
12323 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12324 for (goodness sake) {
12328 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12329 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12330 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12332 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12334 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12335 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12337 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12339 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12342 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12343 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12344 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12345 pushing boulders into a single word.
12346 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12347 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12348 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12349 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12350 Parliament and Party.
12351 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12352 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12353 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12355 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12357 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12365 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12367 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12368 referring to system service dispatching.]
12370 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12372 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12374 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12376 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12378 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12379 a new wearer of clothes.
12380 -- Henry David Thoreau
12384 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12388 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12390 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12392 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12394 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12396 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12397 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12398 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12401 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12402 -- Leonard Brandwein
12404 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12405 drip under pressure.
12407 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12408 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12409 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12411 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12413 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12414 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12416 Beware the new TTY code!
12418 Beware the one behind you.
12421 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12423 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12424 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12425 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12426 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12428 Big book, big bore.
12431 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12432 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12435 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12437 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12440 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12442 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12443 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12445 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12446 generation to generation?
12448 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12451 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12453 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12454 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12455 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12458 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12460 Biology grows on you.
12462 Biology is the only science in which
12463 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12466 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12469 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12470 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12471 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12473 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12476 The first and direst of all disasters.
12477 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12479 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12481 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12482 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12483 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12484 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12485 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12486 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12487 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12490 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12491 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12492 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12495 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12496 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12497 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12501 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12504 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12506 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12508 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12509 are involved in when they burn stores.
12512 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12513 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12514 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12515 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12517 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12518 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12519 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12520 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12524 That's an empty wish.
12525 Just dump them together
12526 And leave them alone,
12527 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12528 -- To My Favorite Things
12530 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12531 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12532 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12533 She wants to hit those bricks,
12534 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12535 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12536 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12537 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12538 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12539 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12541 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12543 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12544 get the better even of their blunders.
12547 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12549 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12552 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12554 -- James Russell Lowell
12556 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12557 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12559 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12562 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12565 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12566 for he shall enjoy living.
12569 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12570 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12573 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12579 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12580 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12581 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12583 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12585 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12587 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12588 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12591 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12594 Blow it out your ear.
12597 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12600 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12602 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12604 Boling's postulate:
12605 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12607 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12608 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12609 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12611 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12612 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12614 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12615 seemed to come from Texas.
12616 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12618 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12621 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12623 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12626 You always find something in the last place you look.
12629 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12632 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12636 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12637 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12640 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12641 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12642 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12645 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12646 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12647 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12651 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12654 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12655 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12657 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12658 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12659 straightened out for a crowbar.
12662 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12663 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12664 on the same communications line connection.
12665 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12667 Boucher's Observation:
12668 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12669 several octaves higher than originally written.
12671 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12675 Talent goes where the action is.
12678 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12682 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12683 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12684 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12685 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12686 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12687 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12688 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12690 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12691 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12693 Boy, life takes a long time to live
12697 A noise with dirt on it.
12699 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12701 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12703 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12704 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12707 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12710 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12711 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12712 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12713 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12714 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12715 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12716 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12717 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12718 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12719 which is all the time.
12720 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12722 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12723 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12724 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12725 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12726 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12730 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12731 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12733 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12734 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12735 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12736 have handled this?"
12738 Brain fried -- core dumped
12741 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12742 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12744 Brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
12745 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12746 of error in an opponent.
12747 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12749 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12750 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12752 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12753 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12754 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12755 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12757 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12758 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12759 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12760 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12761 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12762 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12763 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12764 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12765 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12766 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12767 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12768 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12769 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12770 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12772 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12775 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12778 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12780 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12781 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12782 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12784 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12785 Watch lights fade from every room.
12786 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12787 another day's useless energies spent.
12789 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12790 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12791 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12792 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12794 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12795 Removes the colors from our sight.
12796 Red is grey and yellow white.
12797 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12798 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12800 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12803 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12804 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12806 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12809 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12811 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12812 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12813 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12814 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12815 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12816 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12817 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12818 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12819 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12820 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12821 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12822 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12823 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12826 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12827 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12828 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12829 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12831 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12832 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12833 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12834 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12835 -- "The Jabberwock"
12837 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12838 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12840 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12841 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12842 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12843 brusque, your character.
12846 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12847 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12850 British Israelites:
12851 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12852 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12853 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12854 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12855 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12856 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12857 and take all your teeth.
12858 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12860 broad-mindedness, n:
12861 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12864 People tend to congregate in the back
12865 of the church and the front of the bus.
12868 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12870 Brontosaurus Principle:
12871 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12872 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12873 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12874 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12877 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12878 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12879 expands it beyond recognition.
12882 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12885 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12886 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12887 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12889 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12890 (of one of the two other meanings).
12891 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12892 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12893 reviews just done in his spirit.
12895 BS: You remind me of a man.
12897 BS: The man with the power.
12899 BS: The power of voodoo.
12903 BS: Remind me of a man.
12905 BS: The man with the power...
12906 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12909 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12910 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12912 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12915 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12918 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12919 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12922 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12926 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12927 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12928 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12929 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12932 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12935 Building translators is good clean fun.
12938 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12940 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12941 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12945 All the parts falling off this car are
12946 of the very finest British manufacture.
12948 Bunker's Admonition:
12949 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12952 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12953 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12954 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12956 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12957 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12958 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12959 12 months after the decision is made.
12962 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12965 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12969 A politician who has tenure.
12971 Burke's Postulates:
12972 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12973 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12975 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12976 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12978 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12979 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12980 perfectly balanced.
12981 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
12984 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12987 Bus error -- driver executed.
12989 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12991 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12993 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12994 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12995 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12997 Business will be either better or worse.
13000 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13002 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13005 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13006 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13008 But has any little atom,
13009 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13010 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13013 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13014 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13015 kill more than I could eat.
13018 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13020 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13021 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13022 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13023 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13024 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13026 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13027 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13028 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13029 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13030 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13031 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13032 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13033 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13034 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13035 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13036 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13037 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13039 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13041 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13042 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13043 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13045 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13046 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13047 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13049 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13054 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13056 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13057 In proving foresight may be vain:
13058 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13060 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13062 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13064 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13066 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13068 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13069 to the nearest gas station.
13071 But scientists, who ought to know
13072 Assure us that it must be so.
13073 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13074 What nobody is sure about.
13077 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13079 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13080 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13083 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13084 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13085 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13086 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13088 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13089 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13090 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13091 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13092 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13093 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13094 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13095 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13096 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13097 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13098 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13100 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13101 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13102 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13103 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13104 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13105 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13107 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13109 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13110 I've been taking them for years.
13112 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13113 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13114 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13115 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13116 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13117 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13119 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13122 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13123 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13125 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13126 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13127 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13128 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13130 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13131 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13132 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13133 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13134 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13135 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13136 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13137 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13138 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13139 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13140 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13141 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13142 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13143 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13146 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13148 By doing just a little every day, you can
13149 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13151 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13153 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13154 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13155 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13158 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13159 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13162 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13163 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13164 as it is to invent.
13166 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13167 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13168 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13169 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13171 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13172 -- Charles Spurgeon
13174 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13175 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13177 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13178 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13179 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13181 By the time you swear you're his,
13182 shivering and sighing
13183 and he vows his passion is
13184 infinite, undying --
13185 Lady, make a note of this:
13186 One of you is lying.
13187 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13189 By the yard, life is hard.
13190 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13192 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13193 Another man's, I mean.
13196 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13197 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13201 Believing Your Own Bull
13203 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13204 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13205 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13206 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13207 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13208 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13209 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13211 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13213 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13214 carefully print the chaff.
13225 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13227 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13228 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13229 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13232 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13233 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13234 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13239 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13241 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13243 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13244 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13247 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13248 is supposed to know is there.
13250 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13253 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13254 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13257 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13260 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13261 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13263 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13266 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13267 referring to logical names.]
13269 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13270 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13272 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13273 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13274 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13275 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13277 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13278 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13279 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13281 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13282 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13284 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13285 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13289 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13291 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13293 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13297 Can anyone remember when the times
13298 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13300 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13301 Yes, work never begun.
13303 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13304 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13305 -- Robert J. Ringer
13307 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13308 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13310 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13311 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13313 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13314 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13315 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13317 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13318 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13319 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13320 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13321 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13323 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13324 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13325 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13326 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13327 when you're poor and unhappy.
13329 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13330 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13331 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13332 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13333 recipients are Cancer people.
13336 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13337 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13338 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13339 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13340 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13341 fashion without thinking.
13342 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13343 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13344 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13346 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13347 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13348 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13350 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13352 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13354 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13355 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13356 -- John Maynard Keynes
13358 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13359 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13360 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13361 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13362 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13363 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13365 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13366 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13367 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13368 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13370 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13371 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13372 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13373 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13374 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13376 Captain Penny's Law:
13377 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13378 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13380 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13382 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13383 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13384 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13387 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13388 trousers that don't match.
13390 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13391 the name Craney incorrectly.
13394 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13395 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13396 the same can be said of dirt.
13398 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13399 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13400 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
13401 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13402 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13404 Carson's Consolation:
13405 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13406 It can always be used as a bad example.
13408 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13409 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13411 Carswell's Corollary:
13412 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13413 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13416 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13418 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13421 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13424 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13426 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13427 -- Garrison Keillor
13429 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13430 a sled through the snow.
13432 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13434 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13435 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13437 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13439 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13441 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13443 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13445 Cecil, you're my final hope
13446 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13447 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13448 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13449 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13450 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13451 What I don't understand is just why he
13452 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13453 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13454 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13455 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13456 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13457 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13458 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13459 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13460 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13462 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13464 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13465 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13466 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13467 -- Kelvin Throop III
13469 Census Taker to Housewife:
13470 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13472 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13474 cerebral atrophy, n:
13475 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13476 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13477 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13478 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13479 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13480 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13481 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13483 cerebral darwinism, n:
13484 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13485 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13486 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13487 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13488 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13489 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13490 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13491 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13493 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13494 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13495 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13498 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13499 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13501 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13502 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13503 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13504 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13505 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13506 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13507 others who have tried it.
13508 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13511 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13512 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13513 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13514 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13515 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13516 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13517 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13518 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13520 Certainly the game is rigged.
13521 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13522 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13524 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13525 But it's very funny --
13526 did you ever try buying them without money?
13529 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13531 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13532 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13534 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13537 Chairman of the Bored.
13539 Chamberlain's Laws:
13540 1: The big guys always win.
13541 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13543 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13546 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13548 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13551 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13553 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13555 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13556 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13557 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13558 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13559 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13560 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13561 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13564 character density, n.:
13565 The number of very weird people in the office.
13567 Character is what you are in the dark!
13568 -- Lord John Whorfin
13571 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13573 Charity begins at home.
13574 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13576 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13577 Linus: To make others happy.
13578 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13580 Charlie was a chemist,
13581 But Charlie is no more.
13582 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13584 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13585 without having asked any clear question.
13587 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13589 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13590 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13593 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13594 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13596 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13598 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13599 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13602 Any cook who swears in French.
13605 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13606 the next time he's in need.
13609 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13611 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13613 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13615 Chemistry is applied theology.
13616 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13618 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13621 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13625 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13628 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13630 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13631 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13632 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13633 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13635 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13636 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13637 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13638 cheerfully baste you.
13639 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13641 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13642 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13644 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13646 Chicken Little was right.
13649 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13650 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13651 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13652 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13654 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13655 shivers when it's warm.
13657 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13658 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13660 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13661 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13663 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13664 going to catch you in next.
13665 -- Franklin P. Jones
13667 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13668 And that's what parents were created for.
13671 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13672 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13675 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13676 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13678 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13679 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13681 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13683 Chism's Law of Completion:
13684 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13685 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13687 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13688 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13690 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13691 Roger the thief has a
13694 Folks who are reading are
13696 Always Forgetting to
13697 Guard their own bac ...
13701 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13702 a friend if she were a man.
13706 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13707 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13708 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13709 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13710 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13711 And we begged her not to go.
13712 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13713 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13714 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13715 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13716 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13717 He's been taking this so well.
13718 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13719 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13720 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13721 They should never give a license,
13722 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13724 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13727 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
13729 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13731 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13732 -- George Bernard Shaw
13734 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13735 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13736 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13737 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13739 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13740 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13741 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13742 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13744 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13745 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13746 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13747 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13748 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13749 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13750 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13751 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13752 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13755 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13756 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13757 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13760 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13764 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13765 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13766 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13768 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13771 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13774 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13775 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13777 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13781 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13782 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13784 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13786 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13787 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13790 Clarke's Conclusion:
13791 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13793 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13794 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13797 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13798 leading the parade.
13801 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13802 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13805 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13807 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13808 the walk before it stops snowing.
13811 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13814 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13817 Where their last tornado did six
13818 million dollars worth of improvements.
13820 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13823 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13825 Climate and Surgery
13826 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13827 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13828 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13829 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13830 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13831 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13832 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13834 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13835 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13837 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13838 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13839 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13840 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13841 please?" it asked the bartender.
13842 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13843 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13844 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13847 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13848 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13849 is a clone of our product."
13851 Clones are people two.
13853 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13855 Clothes make the man.
13856 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13859 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13860 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13861 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13862 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13864 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13865 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13866 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13868 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13869 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13870 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13872 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13873 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13874 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13876 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13877 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13878 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13880 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13881 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13882 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13884 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13885 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13886 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13888 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13889 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13890 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13892 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13893 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13894 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13896 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13897 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13898 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13899 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13900 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13901 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13903 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13904 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13905 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13907 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13908 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13909 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13911 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13912 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13913 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13914 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13917 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13920 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13922 COBOL is for morons.
13923 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13925 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13927 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13930 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13931 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13933 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13934 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13935 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13937 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13941 There is no bottom to worse.
13944 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13945 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13946 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13949 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13952 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13953 -- G. K. Chesterton
13956 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
13959 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13962 Cold hands, no gloves.
13965 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13968 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13969 other fellow can spell.
13972 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13974 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13975 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13976 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13977 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13982 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13984 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13986 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13988 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13989 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13990 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13991 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13992 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13993 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13994 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13995 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13996 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13997 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13999 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14000 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14001 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14002 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14003 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14004 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14005 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14007 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14008 All probabilities are 50%.
14009 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14011 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14012 This is especially true when
14013 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14015 Grelb's Commentary:
14016 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14018 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14019 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14020 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14021 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14022 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14024 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14025 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14026 The bird of time has but a little way
14027 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14031 -- George McGovern, 1972
14033 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14034 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14035 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14037 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14038 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14039 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14040 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14041 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14043 Come live with me, and be my love,
14044 And we will some new pleasures prove
14045 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14046 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14049 Come live with me and be my love,
14050 And we will some new pleasures prove
14051 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14052 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14053 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14054 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14056 You live with me, and I with you,
14057 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14058 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14059 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14061 And everything we will confess;
14062 Yes, even to the IRS.
14063 Some day on what we both may earn,
14064 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14065 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14066 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14067 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14068 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14070 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14071 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14073 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14074 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14077 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14078 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14079 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14080 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14081 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14082 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14083 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14084 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14085 Wherever in your sightless substances
14086 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14087 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14088 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14089 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14090 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14093 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14095 Coming to Stores Near You:
14097 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14099 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14100 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14101 I'm Not Misbehaving
14103 And A Whole Lot More...
14105 Coming together is a beginning;
14106 keeping together is progress;
14107 working together is success.
14110 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14111 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14113 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14114 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14117 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14118 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14121 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14122 decide that nothing can be done.
14126 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14127 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14128 stamps you as being wise.
14129 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14131 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14132 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14133 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14135 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14136 be appointed to do the work.
14138 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14139 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14142 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14145 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14148 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14149 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14152 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14153 1) No action is without side-effects.
14154 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14155 3) There is no free lunch.
14157 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14159 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14160 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14163 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14164 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14165 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14166 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14167 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14168 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14169 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14172 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14173 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14176 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14177 is in the eye of the beholder.
14178 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14180 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14181 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14186 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14189 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14192 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14193 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14194 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14197 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14198 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14199 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14201 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14203 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14205 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14208 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14209 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14210 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14211 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14212 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14213 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14214 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14216 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14218 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14220 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14221 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14224 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14226 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14227 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14230 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14233 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14234 the world that just don't add up.
14236 Computers don't actually think.
14237 You just think they think.
14240 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14241 than the estimate the job will cost.
14243 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14244 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14247 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14250 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14251 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14252 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14254 Condense soup, not books!
14257 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14258 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14259 he's already decided to do.
14261 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14262 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14265 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14267 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14268 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14271 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14273 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14275 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14276 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14277 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14279 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14280 fall flat on your face.
14283 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14285 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14286 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14288 Conflicting research paradigms
14289 Have legitimized various crimes.
14290 The worst we can see
14292 Measuring reaction times.
14294 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14296 Confucius say too damn much!
14298 Confucius say too much.
14299 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14301 Confusion will be my epitaph
14302 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14303 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14304 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14305 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14307 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14308 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14311 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14312 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14313 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14314 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14315 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14316 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14317 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14318 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14319 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14320 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14321 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14322 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14323 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14325 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14327 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14332 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14333 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14334 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14335 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14336 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14339 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14340 nameless to the development team after releasing
14341 the second version of their product.
14343 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14345 Mathematician's Proof:
14346 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14347 odd numbers are prime.
14349 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14350 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14352 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14353 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14354 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14355 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14357 Connector Conspiracy, n:
14358 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14359 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14360 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14361 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14362 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14365 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14367 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14368 governing that is hard.
14369 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14371 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14374 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14377 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14378 when everything else feels great.
14380 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14381 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14383 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14387 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14388 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14389 never admitted to in the first place.
14391 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14392 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14395 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14396 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14397 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14399 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14400 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14402 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14403 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14405 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14406 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14407 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14408 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14410 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14411 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14412 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14414 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14415 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14419 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14420 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14421 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14422 Calculator, Will Travel.
14425 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14428 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14429 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14430 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14431 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14435 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14436 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14438 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14439 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14442 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14444 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14445 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14446 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14447 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14448 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14449 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14451 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14452 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14453 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14455 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14456 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
14458 Convention is the ruler of all.
14461 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14462 but solitude is the school of genius.
14465 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14466 is called the listener.
14469 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14472 This person must be fired.
14474 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14476 -- Raymond Chandler
14479 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14480 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14481 interested in reading them.
14484 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14485 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
14487 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14489 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14493 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14495 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14496 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14500 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14501 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14502 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14505 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14507 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14508 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14509 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14510 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14511 being easier to stake.
14513 Counting in binary is just like counting
14514 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14517 Counting in octal is just like counting
14518 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14521 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14523 Courage is grace under pressure.
14525 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14528 Courage is your greatest present need.
14531 A place where they dispense with justice.
14534 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14535 -- William Congreve
14538 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14539 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14541 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14542 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14543 -- Wernher von Braun
14545 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14547 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14548 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14549 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14550 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14551 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14552 between adequacy and excellence.
14554 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14555 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14556 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14557 say it was obvious all along.
14558 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14560 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14562 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14563 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14565 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14569 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14571 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14572 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14573 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14574 regardless of your formal duties.
14576 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14580 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14582 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14584 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14587 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14588 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14591 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14592 -- Socrates' last words
14595 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14598 The amount of work done varies inversely
14599 with the time spent in the office.
14601 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14604 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14605 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14606 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14607 much work has already been done on it.
14609 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14611 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14615 Cthulhu for President!
14616 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14618 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14620 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14622 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14626 One whose program will not run.
14631 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14633 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14635 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14636 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14637 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14638 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14639 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14640 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14641 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14642 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14643 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14644 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14645 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14646 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14647 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14651 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14652 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14653 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14654 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14656 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14658 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14659 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14662 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14666 Cutler Webster's Law:
14667 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14668 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14670 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14671 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14672 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
14679 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14680 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14681 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14682 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14685 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14688 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14689 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14692 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14695 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14696 it lacks is a decent editor
14699 The city that chose Astroturf to
14700 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14702 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
14704 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14706 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14709 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14711 Damn, I need a Coke!
14712 -- Dr. William DeVries
14713 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14715 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14718 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14720 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14723 The watchdog barkin'
14727 Slip in his window.
14729 Then his house I start to wreck
14734 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14735 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14737 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14738 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14741 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14742 -- Princess Leia Organa
14744 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14747 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14750 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14751 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14753 Data is not information;
14754 Information is not knowledge;
14755 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14758 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14759 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14761 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14763 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14764 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14765 * Hourly motel rates
14766 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14767 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14768 like some countries we could mention
14769 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14770 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14771 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14773 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14774 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14775 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14776 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14777 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14778 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14779 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14780 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14781 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14782 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14783 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14784 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14785 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14787 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14788 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14789 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14792 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14795 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14796 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14798 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14800 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14801 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14804 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14806 Dealing with failure is easy:
14807 Work hard to improve.
14808 Success is also easy to handle:
14809 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14811 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14812 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14816 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14820 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14821 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14822 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14823 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14824 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14825 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14826 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14827 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14829 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14832 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14833 summarize. What should I do?
14837 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14838 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14839 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14840 summarizing a vote.
14841 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14844 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14849 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14850 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14851 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14853 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14856 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14861 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14862 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14863 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14864 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14865 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14866 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14869 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14870 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14871 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14872 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14873 -- A Concerned Citizen
14876 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14877 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14878 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14879 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14880 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14882 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14883 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14884 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14885 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14886 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14887 they are always interested in good stories.
14890 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14891 to. How about an example?
14895 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14896 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14897 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14898 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14899 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14900 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14901 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14902 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14903 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14904 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14905 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14906 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14907 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14908 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14909 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14910 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14911 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14912 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14915 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14920 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14921 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14923 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14924 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14925 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14926 about the signature anyway.
14927 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14929 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14933 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14934 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14935 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14936 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14937 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14939 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14942 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14943 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14944 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14945 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14948 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14949 the other hand", again.
14951 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14955 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14956 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14957 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14960 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14961 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14962 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14963 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14966 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
14970 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
14974 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14975 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14976 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14977 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14978 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14979 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14980 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14983 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14984 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14985 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14986 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14987 before making your attack.
14989 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
14990 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
14991 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
14992 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
14993 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
14994 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
14995 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
14996 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
14997 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
14998 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15002 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15004 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15006 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15007 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15008 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15009 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15010 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15011 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15012 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15015 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15020 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15021 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15022 posting it. All others please ignore."
15023 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15024 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15025 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15026 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15027 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15028 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15029 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15030 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15031 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15032 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15033 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15034 so post it as many places as you can.
15035 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15038 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15039 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15040 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15041 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15042 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15044 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15046 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15048 Death before dishonor.
15049 But neither before breakfast.
15051 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15052 He lurks in every flower;
15053 Each season has its own disease,
15054 Its peril -- every hour.
15057 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15059 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15060 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15063 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15065 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15068 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15070 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15072 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15074 Death is only a state of mind.
15076 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15078 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15080 Death to all fanatics!
15083 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15085 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15087 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15088 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15090 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15093 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15094 erra, n: A mistake.
15095 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15096 Linder, n: A female name.
15097 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15098 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15099 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15100 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15101 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15102 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15103 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15104 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15106 Decision maker, n.:
15107 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15108 before the music stopped.
15110 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15111 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15112 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15113 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15114 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15115 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15117 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15118 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15120 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15121 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15124 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15125 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15126 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15127 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15131 The hardware's, of course.
15134 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15135 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15136 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15137 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15139 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15142 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15143 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15144 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15145 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15147 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15149 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15151 Hardware is what you kick;
15152 Software is what you curse.
15154 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15157 (cond ((null c) () )
15159 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15161 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15163 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15165 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15166 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15167 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15168 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15169 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15170 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15172 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15173 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15176 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15177 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15178 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15179 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15180 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15182 Delay is preferable to error.
15183 -- Thomas Jefferson
15185 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15186 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15188 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15189 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15191 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15192 referring to I/O system services.]
15194 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15195 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15196 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15197 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15198 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15199 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15200 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15201 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15202 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15203 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15205 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15206 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15207 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15209 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15212 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15214 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15216 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15218 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15219 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15220 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15221 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15222 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15223 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15224 steroid-free fitness center.
15225 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15227 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15228 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15229 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15231 Demand the establishment of the government
15232 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15234 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15235 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15237 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15238 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15240 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15242 -- George Bernard Shaw
15244 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15245 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15248 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15249 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15250 -- George Bernard Shaw
15252 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15255 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15256 will get the blame.
15257 -- Laurence J. Peter
15259 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15260 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15263 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15264 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15266 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15267 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15269 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15270 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15273 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15274 deserve to get it good and hard.
15275 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15277 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15278 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15279 -- Winston Churchill
15282 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15283 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15284 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15285 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15286 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15287 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15288 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15289 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15293 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15296 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15297 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15298 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15299 -- Charles Bukowski
15301 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15302 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15304 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15305 The remainder is thrown out.
15307 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15309 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15310 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15312 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15313 windows by Democrats.
15314 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15316 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15317 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15319 Dental health is next to mental health.
15322 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15323 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15327 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15329 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15331 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15333 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15335 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15336 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15339 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15341 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15342 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15345 What you regret not doing later on.
15347 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15348 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15350 Despising machines to a man,
15351 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15352 And ride out by night
15353 In a sheeting of white
15354 To lynch all the robots they can.
15355 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15357 Despite all appearances, your boss
15358 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15360 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15361 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15363 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15365 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15366 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15367 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15369 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15372 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15373 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15375 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15376 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15379 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15380 Some do, some don't.
15382 Did I say 2? I lied.
15384 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15385 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15387 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15388 has already been born?
15391 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15392 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15395 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15397 Did you hear about the model who sat
15398 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15400 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15401 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15403 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15405 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15410 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15411 only recaptured 116 of them?
15414 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15416 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15419 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15420 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15421 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15423 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15426 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15427 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15428 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15429 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15431 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15433 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15434 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15435 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15436 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15437 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15438 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15440 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15441 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15443 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15446 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15447 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15449 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15450 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15452 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15457 Did you know the University of Iowa
15458 closed down after someone stole the book?
15462 That no-one ever reads these things?
15464 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15465 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15466 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15467 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15470 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
15472 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15473 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15474 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15477 To stop sinning suddenly.
15480 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15481 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15483 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15485 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15487 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15490 Dignity is like a flag.
15491 It flaps in a storm.
15496 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15497 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15498 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15500 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15502 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15503 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15504 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15507 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15509 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15510 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15512 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15513 asked him, after a few days.
15514 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15516 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15517 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15518 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15520 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15523 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15526 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15532 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15536 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15537 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15540 As distinguished from some other bar.
15542 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15544 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15545 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15546 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15547 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15548 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15549 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15550 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15551 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15553 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15558 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15559 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15561 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15563 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15565 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15568 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15571 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15573 Disks travel in packs.
15575 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15576 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15578 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15579 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15582 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15585 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15586 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15588 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15589 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15590 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15592 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15593 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15594 -- Lord Chesterfield
15596 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15598 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15601 Do clones have navels?
15603 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15606 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15608 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15610 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15612 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15614 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
15616 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15618 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15621 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15622 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15623 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15624 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15625 of them ever committed suicide.
15626 -- Henry David Thoreau
15628 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15629 Their tastes may not be the same.
15630 -- George Bernard Shaw
15632 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15634 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15637 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15639 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15642 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15643 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15645 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15646 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15648 Do not overtax your powers.
15650 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15651 Violators will be prosecuted.
15652 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15654 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15655 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15656 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15658 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15660 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15662 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15664 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15665 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15668 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15670 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15672 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15674 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15676 Do not worry about which side your
15677 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15679 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15681 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15683 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15685 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15687 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15689 Do unto others before they undo you.
15691 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15693 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15694 -- Aleister Crowley
15696 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15697 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15699 Do you believe in intuition?
15700 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15702 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15703 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15704 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15705 Can you see your neck?
15706 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15707 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15708 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15709 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15712 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15714 Do you have lysdexia?
15716 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15718 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15719 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15720 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15721 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15722 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15723 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15727 Do you know Montana?
15729 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15730 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15733 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15734 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15737 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15738 between Nixon and the White House.
15739 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15741 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15742 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15744 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15745 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15747 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15748 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15750 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15751 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15753 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15755 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15756 just whipped out a quarter?
15759 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15760 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15762 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15763 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15764 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15765 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15766 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15767 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15769 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15770 Do they like to shake their tails?
15771 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15772 Is your garden full of snails?
15774 Do your part to help preserve life on
15775 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15777 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15778 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15779 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15782 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15785 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15786 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15789 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15790 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15792 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15793 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15794 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15795 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15796 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15798 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15800 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15802 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15803 and the rest of us.
15805 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15807 Doing gets it done.
15810 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15812 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15813 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15814 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15815 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15816 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
15817 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15818 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15820 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15822 Don't abandon hope.
15823 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15825 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15828 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15829 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15830 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15831 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15833 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15836 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15838 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15840 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15842 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15844 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15846 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15849 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15851 Don't confuse things that need action
15852 with those that take care of themselves.
15854 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15856 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15857 -- Firesign Theatre
15859 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15861 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15864 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15865 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15867 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15869 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15870 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15872 Don't eat yellow snow.
15874 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15876 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15879 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15880 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15882 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15884 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15887 Don't get even, get odd.
15889 Don't get mad, get even.
15890 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15892 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15895 Don't get mad, get interest.
15897 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15899 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15900 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15903 Don't get to bragging.
15905 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15906 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15909 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15911 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15914 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15916 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15918 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15920 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15922 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15926 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15928 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15929 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15931 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15933 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15935 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15937 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15938 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15940 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15941 until you have hold of something else.
15942 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15944 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15945 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15946 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15947 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15948 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15949 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15950 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15952 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15954 Don't let your status become too quo!
15956 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15958 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15960 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15966 Your brains are in it.
15969 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15971 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15972 -- Scottish Proverb
15974 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15976 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15977 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15979 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15980 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15982 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15983 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15985 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15986 lock the door and throw away the key.
15988 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15990 Don't read everything you believe.
15992 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
15994 Don't remember what you can infer.
15997 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
15998 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16000 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16002 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16003 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16005 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16007 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16009 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16011 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16015 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16017 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16020 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16023 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16024 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16026 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16028 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16031 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16032 sodomy and the lash.
16033 -- Winston Churchill
16035 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16037 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16040 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16043 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16044 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16045 -- Watchman Examiner
16047 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16049 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16052 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16053 with my breakfast cereal.
16054 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16056 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16058 Don't wake me up too soon...
16059 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16062 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16063 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16065 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16067 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16069 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16071 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16072 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16075 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16076 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16079 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16082 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16083 you can always take something for it.
16085 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16086 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16088 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16090 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16092 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16093 want to help you could agree with each other?
16095 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16097 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16098 you through times of no dope.
16101 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16102 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16103 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16104 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16108 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16109 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16110 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16111 Control and meta, side by side,
16112 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16113 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16115 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16116 Had a couple of bits more!
16117 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16119 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16120 OR'd together, outta sight!
16121 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16122 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16123 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16124 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16125 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16126 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16128 double-blind Experiment, n:
16129 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16130 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16131 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16133 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16136 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16137 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16139 Down to the Banana Republics,
16140 Down to the tropical sun.
16141 Go the expatriated Americans,
16142 Hoping to find some fun.
16143 Some of them go for the sailing,
16144 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16145 Trying to find what is ailing,
16146 Living in the land of the free.
16147 Some of them are running from lovers,
16148 Leaving no forward address.
16149 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16150 Some are running from the IRS.
16151 Late at night you will find them,
16152 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16153 Hustling the senoritas,
16154 While they dance beneath the stars.
16155 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16157 Down with the categorical imperative!
16160 In a hierarchical organization,
16161 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16163 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16164 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16165 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16166 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16168 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16170 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16172 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16173 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16174 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16175 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16177 Here's how the diet works:
16180 First Month: One egg
16181 Second Month: A raisin
16182 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16184 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16185 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16187 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16190 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16192 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16193 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16194 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16196 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16198 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16200 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16202 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16203 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16204 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16206 Drilling for oil is boring.
16208 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16209 Love, the reeling midnight through
16210 For tomorrow we shall die!
16211 (But, alas, we never do.)
16212 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16214 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16216 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16217 instant motor skills.
16220 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16223 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16224 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16227 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16228 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16229 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16231 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16233 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16234 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16235 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16238 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16239 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16240 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16241 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16242 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16247 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16250 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16254 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16257 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16259 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16264 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16265 yourself as part of the problem.
16267 Ducharme's Precept:
16268 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16272 Ducks? What ducks??
16274 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16275 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16278 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16279 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16281 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16282 fate and captain of your soul.
16284 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16287 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16289 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16290 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16291 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16292 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16295 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16296 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16298 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16300 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16301 perform as president?"
16302 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16305 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16306 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16307 and fly your colors proudly.
16309 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16310 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16311 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16314 What one expects from others.
16317 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16318 nothing whatever to do with it.
16319 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16321 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16322 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16324 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16331 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16333 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16336 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16337 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16338 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16339 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16340 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16341 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16342 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16343 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16344 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16345 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16346 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16347 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16348 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16349 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16350 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16351 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16353 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16354 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16356 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16357 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16358 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16359 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16361 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16364 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16365 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16366 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16370 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16371 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16373 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16377 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16378 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16379 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16381 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16383 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16384 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16385 21st century aircraft:
16387 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16388 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16389 pilot if he touches anything.
16390 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16392 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16393 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16395 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16396 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16399 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16401 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16403 /earth: file system full.
16405 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16407 Earth is a beta site.
16409 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16412 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16413 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16414 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16415 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16416 means the puzzle is solved.
16417 -- Steve Rubenstein
16419 Easy come and easy go,
16420 some call me easy money,
16421 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16422 and sometimes it ain't funny
16423 You may think that I'm a fool
16424 and sometimes that is true,
16425 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16426 with or without you.
16429 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16430 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16432 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16434 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16436 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16438 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16439 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16441 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16443 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16445 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16447 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16449 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16450 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16453 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16454 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16456 Economies of scale:
16457 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16458 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16459 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16460 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16461 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16465 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16466 personality to become an accountant.
16468 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16469 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16472 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16473 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16474 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16476 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16479 Editing is a rewording activity.
16481 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16482 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16483 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16485 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16486 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16487 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16489 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16490 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16492 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16495 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16498 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16499 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16500 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16501 royal-blue chickens.
16502 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16504 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16505 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16507 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16510 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16511 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16512 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16513 the "nog" comes from.
16515 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16518 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16520 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16521 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16524 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16527 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16531 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16532 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16534 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16536 Ehrman's Commentary:
16537 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16538 2. Who said things would get better?
16540 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16541 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16544 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16545 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16549 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16550 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16553 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16554 armrest in a movie theatre.
16555 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16558 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16560 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16561 make the machine do some more.
16564 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16565 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16568 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16570 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16574 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16575 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16576 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16577 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16581 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16582 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16583 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16585 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16587 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16588 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16589 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16590 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16591 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16592 the faint of heart.
16593 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16594 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16597 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16598 children under eight years of age.
16600 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16603 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16605 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16609 A mouse built to government specifications.
16611 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16613 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16614 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16615 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16616 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16617 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16618 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16619 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16620 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16622 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16623 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16624 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16625 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16626 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16628 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16631 The feel of a kiss.
16633 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16635 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16636 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16639 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16641 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
16642 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16643 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16646 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16647 Son knows everything.
16649 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16650 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16651 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16652 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16654 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16655 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16656 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16658 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16660 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16661 And here, find rest.
16663 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16664 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16665 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16666 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16668 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16669 Science: "Why will this work?"
16670 Management: "When will this work?"
16671 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16673 English literature's performing flea.
16674 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16677 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16678 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16679 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16680 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16681 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16682 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16683 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16684 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16685 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16686 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16688 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16689 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16692 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16694 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16696 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16699 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16700 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16702 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16704 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16707 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16711 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16712 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16714 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16715 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16719 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16720 something his wife can beat him at.
16722 Equal bytes for women.
16724 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16725 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16727 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16728 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16730 Error in operator: add beer
16732 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16733 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16734 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16735 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16736 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
16738 Eschew obfuscation.
16740 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16741 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16743 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16745 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16748 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16751 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16752 fashion for those with no taste.
16755 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16756 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16757 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16758 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16762 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
16763 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16766 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16767 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16768 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16769 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16770 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16771 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16772 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16773 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16774 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16775 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16776 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16778 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16783 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16785 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16787 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16789 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16790 And says his prayers at night
16791 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16792 And the moon is full and bright.
16793 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16795 Even God cannot change the past.
16798 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16801 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16802 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16805 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16808 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16811 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16812 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16813 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16814 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16815 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16816 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16817 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16818 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16819 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16820 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16821 A fairer summer and a later fall
16822 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16823 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16824 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16825 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16826 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16828 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16830 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16831 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16833 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16834 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16837 Events are not affected, they develop.
16840 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16842 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16843 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16845 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16846 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16849 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16850 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16852 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16853 Simple coincidence?
16856 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16857 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16858 We're big but bigger we will be,
16859 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16861 Our products now are known in every zone.
16862 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16863 We've fought our way thru
16864 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16865 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16866 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16868 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16869 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16870 Right here and now we thankfully
16871 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16872 To the corporation that's the best of all
16873 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16874 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16875 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16876 Once or twice, then sing again
16877 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16878 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16880 Ever since I was a young boy,
16881 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16882 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16883 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16884 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16885 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16886 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16887 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16888 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16889 Sure sends a mean packet.
16890 He's a UNIX wizard,
16891 There has to be a twist.
16892 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16893 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16894 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16895 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16896 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16897 The proper bit flags set,
16898 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16899 Sure sends a mean packet.
16902 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16903 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16904 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16905 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16906 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16907 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16908 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16909 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16911 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16913 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16915 Because newspapers are read too.
16916 Two and Two is four.
16917 Four and four is eight.
16918 Eight and four is twelve.
16919 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16920 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16921 Queen Mary was a ship.
16922 Ships sail the sea.
16923 There are fishes in the sea.
16925 The Fins fought the Russians.
16927 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16928 Therefore fire engines are red.
16930 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16931 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16932 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16933 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
16934 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16935 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16936 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16937 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16938 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16939 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16940 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16941 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16942 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16943 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16944 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16946 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16947 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16949 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16953 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16955 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16956 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16958 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16959 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16961 Every country has the government it deserves.
16962 -- Joseph De Maistre
16964 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16966 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
16968 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16971 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16973 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
16974 woman and stop her.
16976 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
16977 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
16978 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
16979 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
16980 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
16981 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
16983 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16984 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16985 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16986 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16987 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
16988 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
16989 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16990 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
16992 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
16994 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
16995 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
16996 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
16997 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
16998 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
16999 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17000 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17001 color"], that does not exist.
17003 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17004 -- Frank Moore Colby
17006 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17008 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17011 Every love's the love before
17013 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17015 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
17017 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17018 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17019 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17020 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17021 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17022 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17023 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17024 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17025 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17026 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17027 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17029 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17030 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17032 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17033 of vision for the limits of the world.
17036 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17037 and powerful know that he is.
17038 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17040 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17041 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17042 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17043 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17044 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17045 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17046 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17048 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17049 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17052 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
17053 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
17056 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17057 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17058 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17059 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17060 up, you'd better be running.
17062 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17064 Every night my prayers I say,
17065 And get my dinner every day;
17066 And every day that I've been good,
17067 I get an orange after food.
17068 The child that is not clean and neat,
17069 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17070 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17071 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17072 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17074 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17076 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17078 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17079 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17080 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17081 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17082 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17084 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17085 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17088 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17089 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17090 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17091 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17093 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17094 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17095 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17098 Every path has its puddle.
17100 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17101 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17102 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17104 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17105 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17106 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17108 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17109 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17111 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17113 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17115 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17116 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17118 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17119 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17122 Every solution breeds new problems.
17124 Every successful person has had failures
17125 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17127 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17130 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17132 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17134 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17136 Every time you manage to close the door on
17137 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17139 Every why hath a wherefore.
17140 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17142 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17145 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17149 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17150 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17151 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17152 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17153 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17154 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17155 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17156 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17157 you're fired. As of right now."
17158 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17159 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17160 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17161 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17164 Everybody has something to conceal.
17167 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17168 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17170 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17173 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17174 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17175 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17176 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17178 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17179 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17182 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17183 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17185 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17186 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17187 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17188 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17190 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17191 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17192 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17193 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17194 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17196 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17199 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17200 stop hacking and fall in love!
17202 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17204 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17205 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17207 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17209 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17211 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17214 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17216 Everyone is in the best seat.
17219 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17222 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17223 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17224 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17225 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17226 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17227 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17228 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17229 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17230 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17232 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17234 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17236 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17240 Everyone was born right-handed.
17241 Only the greatest overcome it.
17243 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17244 1. They want it quick.
17245 2. They want it good.
17246 3. They want it cheap.
17247 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17248 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17250 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17252 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17254 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17256 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17258 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17259 -- Alexander Woollcott
17261 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17262 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17264 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17265 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17267 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17268 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17270 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17271 that a belch is more satisfying.
17274 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17275 something you know.
17276 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17277 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17279 Everything might be different in the present
17280 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17282 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17283 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17285 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17287 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17290 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17293 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17294 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17296 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17298 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17300 Everything you know is wrong!
17302 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17303 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17306 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17307 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17308 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17309 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17311 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17313 Everything's great in this good old world;
17314 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17315 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17316 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17317 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17318 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17319 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17320 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17321 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17323 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17324 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17325 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17326 -- Flannery O'Connor
17328 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17329 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17330 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17332 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17334 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17335 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17338 Evolution is a million line computer
17339 program falling into place by accident.
17341 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17342 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17343 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17344 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17345 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17346 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17347 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17348 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17350 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17351 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17354 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17355 It is the only thing.
17356 -- Albert Schweitzer
17358 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17359 Spike the office water cooler.
17361 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17363 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17365 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17367 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17370 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17371 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17373 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17374 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17376 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17379 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17380 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17381 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17383 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17384 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17385 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17387 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17389 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17391 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17394 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17398 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17400 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17402 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17403 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17405 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17407 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17409 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17411 Expedience is the best teacher.
17413 Expense accounts, n:
17414 Corporate food stamps.
17416 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17417 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17419 Experience is not what happens to you;
17420 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17423 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17424 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17427 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17428 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17430 Experience is what causes a person
17431 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17433 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17435 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17436 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17437 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17439 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17442 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17446 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17448 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17450 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17451 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17452 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17453 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17454 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17455 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17456 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17457 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17458 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17459 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17460 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17461 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17462 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17463 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17465 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17466 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17467 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17468 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17469 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17470 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17471 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17472 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17473 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17474 offer more plausible alternatives.
17475 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17476 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17478 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17479 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17481 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17482 of justice is no virtue.
17485 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17486 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17487 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17488 On the poison they're exuding.
17489 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17491 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17493 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17495 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17497 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17499 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17501 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17504 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17506 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17509 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17512 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17513 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17514 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17515 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17516 doesn't even shout at me."
17517 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17518 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17519 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17520 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17521 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17522 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17523 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17524 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17525 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17526 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17527 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17528 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17530 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17532 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17533 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17536 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17538 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17540 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17541 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17542 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17543 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17545 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17546 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17548 Faith is under the left nipple.
17552 That quality which enables us to
17553 believe what we know to be untrue.
17556 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17557 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17558 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17561 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17562 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17563 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17564 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17565 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17566 good idea to check with your doctor.
17569 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17570 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17572 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17574 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17576 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17577 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17580 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17581 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17584 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17586 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17588 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17591 Families, when a child is born
17592 Want it to be intelligent.
17593 I, through intelligence,
17594 Having wrecked my whole life,
17595 Only hope the baby will prove
17596 Ignorant and stupid.
17597 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17598 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17602 Conspicuously miserable.
17603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17608 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17609 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17610 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17611 4: We won't need reservations.
17612 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17613 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17614 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17615 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17617 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17618 forgotten your aim.
17619 -- George Santayana
17621 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17622 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17624 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17625 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17626 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17627 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17628 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17629 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17630 was the Empire forged.
17631 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17633 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17635 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17636 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17637 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17638 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17639 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17640 are a pretty neat idea ...
17641 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17643 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17644 stressful than divorce.
17645 -- Wall Street Journal
17647 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17648 it every six months.
17651 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17654 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17656 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17659 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17662 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17664 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17666 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17667 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17669 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17671 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17672 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17673 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17676 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17678 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17679 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17681 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17685 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17686 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17687 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17688 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17689 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17691 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17692 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17695 Feel disillusioned?
17696 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17698 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17701 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17702 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
17703 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17704 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17705 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17706 A singular development of cat communications
17707 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17708 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17709 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17710 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17711 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17712 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17713 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17714 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17715 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17716 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17717 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17719 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17720 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17721 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17722 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
17723 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17724 yours to the bottom of the list.
17726 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17727 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17728 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17729 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17730 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17731 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17732 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17734 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17737 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17740 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17741 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17742 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17744 Ferguson's Precept:
17745 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17747 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17748 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17750 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17751 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17752 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17753 basic difference between robots and humans?
17754 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17755 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17756 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17758 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17762 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17764 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17765 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17766 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17767 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17768 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17770 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17771 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17773 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17775 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17776 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17777 there is nothing important to do.
17779 Fifty flippant frogs
17780 Walked by on flippered feet
17781 And with their slime they made the time
17784 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17788 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17791 Throwing your wait around.
17793 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17794 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17797 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17799 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17800 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17802 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17803 No matter what results are expected,
17804 someone is always willing to fake it.
17806 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17807 No matter what the result someone
17808 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17810 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17811 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17812 it happened according to his pet theory.
17814 Finagle's First Law:
17815 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17817 Finagle's First Law:
17818 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17820 Finagle's Second Law:
17821 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17823 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17824 Once a job is fouled up,
17825 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17827 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17828 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17830 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17831 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17833 Finagle's Second Law:
17834 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17835 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17836 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17838 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17839 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17841 Finagle's Third Law:
17842 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17843 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17846 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17847 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17848 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17851 Perfection is finality.
17852 Nothing is perfect.
17853 There are lumps in it.
17855 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17857 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17859 Fine day for friends.
17862 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17864 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17867 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17869 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17871 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17873 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17876 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17879 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17881 First, a few words about tools.
17883 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17884 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17885 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17886 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17887 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17888 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17889 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17891 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17892 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17895 First Law of Bicycling:
17896 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17898 First law of debate:
17899 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17901 First Law of Procrastination:
17902 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17903 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17904 imposed the deadline).
17906 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17907 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17909 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17910 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17911 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17913 First Rule of History:
17914 History doesn't repeat itself --
17915 historians merely repeat each other.
17917 First rule of public speaking.
17918 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17920 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17922 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17923 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17925 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17926 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17927 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17928 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17929 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17930 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17931 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17932 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17933 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17934 another phone booth.
17935 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17936 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17937 released it, too, in the scrub.
17938 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17939 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17940 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17941 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17942 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17944 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17946 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order
17947 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
17949 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17950 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17951 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17952 trees to prove their manhood.
17956 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17957 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17959 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17962 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17965 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
17968 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
17969 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
17970 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
17971 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
17972 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
17973 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
17974 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17975 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
17976 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
17977 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
17978 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
17979 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
17980 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
17981 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
17982 Yes, and goin' insane,
17983 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
17984 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17986 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
17988 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
17989 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
17990 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
17991 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
17992 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
17993 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
17994 Irish Political History".
17996 Five rules for eternal misery:
17997 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
17998 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
17999 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18000 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18001 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18002 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18003 things might become).
18004 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18005 follow the first four rules.
18011 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18012 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
18014 Flappity, floppity, flip
18015 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18016 The strip revolved,
18017 The mouse dissolved
18018 In a chronodimensional skip.
18021 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18022 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18024 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18027 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18029 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18031 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18035 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18036 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18038 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18039 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18042 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18043 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18045 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18046 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18048 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18049 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18052 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18053 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18054 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18055 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18056 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18058 flowchart, n. & v.:
18059 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18060 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18061 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18062 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18063 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18064 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18065 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18066 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18067 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18068 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18069 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18070 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18073 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18074 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18076 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18078 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18079 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18081 Flying saucers on occasion
18082 Show themselves to human eyes.
18083 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18084 While they brand these tales as lies.
18087 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18088 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18089 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18091 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18092 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18093 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18094 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18096 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18097 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18099 Foolproof Operation:
18100 No provision for adjustment.
18102 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18104 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18105 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18107 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18108 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18109 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18111 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18114 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18116 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18118 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18120 For a light heart lives long.
18121 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18123 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18126 For adult education nothing beats children.
18128 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18129 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18130 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18131 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18132 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18133 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18134 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18135 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18137 For an adequate time call 555-3321
18139 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18140 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18142 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18145 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18147 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18148 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18150 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18153 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18154 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18157 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18161 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18164 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18165 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18168 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18169 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18170 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18171 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18172 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18173 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18174 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18175 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18177 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18179 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18183 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18192 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18194 For good, return good.
18195 For evil, return justice.
18197 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18198 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18200 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18201 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18202 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18204 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18205 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18206 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18207 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18208 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18209 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18210 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18213 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18215 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18216 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18219 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18220 get themselves filed.
18223 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18224 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18227 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18228 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18229 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18230 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18231 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18232 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18233 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18234 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18235 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18236 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18237 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18238 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18240 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18241 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18242 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18243 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18244 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18246 For people who like that kind of book,
18247 that is the kind of book they will like.
18249 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18250 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18251 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18254 Parachute. Used once.
18255 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18257 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18258 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18259 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18261 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18263 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18264 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18265 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18268 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18269 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18271 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18273 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18274 referring to system overview.]
18277 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18278 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18281 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18283 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18284 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18286 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18287 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18288 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18290 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18291 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18293 For they starve the frightened little child
18294 Till it weeps both night and day:
18295 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18296 And gibe the old and grey,
18297 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18298 And none a word may say.
18300 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18301 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18302 And the fetid breath of living Death
18303 Chokes up each grated screen,
18304 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18305 In Humanity's machine.
18307 And all men kill the thing they love,
18308 By all let this be heard,
18309 Some do it with a bitter look,
18310 Some with a flattering word,
18311 The coward does it with a kiss,
18312 The brave man with a sword.
18315 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18316 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18317 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18318 spend my evenings?"
18321 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18322 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18323 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18326 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18327 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18329 8 oz. shredded suet
18331 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18333 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18334 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18335 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18336 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18337 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18338 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18339 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18340 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18341 four to five hours.
18343 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18346 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18347 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18350 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18351 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18352 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18354 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18356 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18357 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18358 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18359 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18360 -- Justin Richardson
18362 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18364 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18367 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18368 "That definition's just."
18369 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18370 Remembering his pounded head:
18371 "Force is not might but must!"
18374 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18375 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18377 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18380 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18381 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18383 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18386 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18387 their destitution of conscience.
18389 Forgive and forget.
18393 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18396 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18397 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18400 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18403 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18405 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18409 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18410 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18412 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18414 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18415 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18418 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18421 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18424 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18425 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18426 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18427 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18429 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18430 probably for at least the next decade.
18433 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18435 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18436 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18437 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18438 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18439 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18440 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18441 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18442 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18443 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18446 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18449 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18451 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18452 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18453 my dissertation to rhyme.
18455 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18458 A: No, He's a mythter.
18460 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18462 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18464 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18467 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18468 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18469 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18472 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18473 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18474 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18475 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18479 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18480 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18483 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18486 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18487 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18489 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18490 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18491 she will get on with her life.
18492 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18493 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18494 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18495 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18496 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18497 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18498 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18499 these classes rarely prove effective.
18501 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18504 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18505 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18506 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18509 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18510 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18511 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18512 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18513 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18514 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18515 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18516 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18518 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18521 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18522 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18523 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18524 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18527 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18528 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18529 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18530 fixed without special tools".
18531 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18532 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18533 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18536 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18539 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18540 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18543 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18544 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18545 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18546 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18547 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18548 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18549 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18551 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18554 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18555 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18556 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18557 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18558 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18559 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18560 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18561 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18565 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18566 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18567 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18568 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18569 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18570 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18571 price their policies accordingly.
18572 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18573 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18576 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18579 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18580 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18581 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18582 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18585 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18586 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18587 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18588 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18589 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18590 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18592 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18595 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18596 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18597 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18598 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18601 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18602 looking, men kick cats.
18605 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18606 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18607 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18608 aware of some short people living in the house.
18610 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18613 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18614 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18615 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18616 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18617 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18618 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18621 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18622 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18623 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18624 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18627 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18628 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18629 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18631 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18634 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18635 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18636 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18637 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18638 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18639 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
18641 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18644 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18645 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18646 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18647 Boardwalk property.
18649 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18651 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18653 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18654 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18655 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18656 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18657 With Julie Christie.
18659 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18661 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18662 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18663 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18666 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18669 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18670 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18671 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18672 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18673 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18675 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18677 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18678 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18679 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18680 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18681 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18682 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18683 a glowing performance.
18685 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18687 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18688 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18689 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18690 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18692 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18694 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18695 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18696 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18697 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18698 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18701 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18703 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18704 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18705 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18706 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18708 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18709 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18710 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18711 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18712 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18714 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18716 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18718 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18719 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18720 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18722 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18724 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18725 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18726 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18727 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18728 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18729 as that in support of an affirmative.
18730 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18732 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18734 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18735 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18736 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18739 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18741 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18742 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18743 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18744 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18745 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18746 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18747 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18749 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18751 skilled oral communicator:
18752 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18753 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18755 skilled written communicator:
18756 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18757 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18760 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18761 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18762 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18764 key company figure:
18765 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18767 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18770 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18771 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18773 an excellent sounding board:
18774 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18775 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18777 a planner and organizer:
18778 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18779 animal tags on his clothing.
18781 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18783 has management potential:
18784 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18785 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18789 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18793 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18797 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18800 Fortune favors the lucky.
18802 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18804 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18806 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18808 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18809 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18810 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18812 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18814 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18815 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18816 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18818 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18820 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18823 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18825 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18828 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18830 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18832 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18834 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18835 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18837 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18839 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18841 fortune: No such file or directory
18846 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18848 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18849 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18850 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18851 renkontas. I've met.
18852 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18853 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18854 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18855 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18858 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18860 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18861 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18862 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18863 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18864 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18865 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18868 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18870 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18872 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18873 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18874 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18875 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18876 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18878 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18880 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18881 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18882 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18883 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18885 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18887 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18888 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18890 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18892 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18893 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18895 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18897 A: To be or not to be.
18898 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18900 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18902 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18903 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18905 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18907 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18908 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18910 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18912 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18913 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18915 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18917 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18918 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18920 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18922 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18923 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18925 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18927 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18928 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18930 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18934 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18935 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18936 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18937 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18939 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18940 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18941 make "heads or tails of all this"
18944 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18945 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18947 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18948 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18950 Oh, and have a nice day!
18951 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18953 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18955 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18956 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18959 Fortune's current rates:
18963 Answers requiring thought .50
18964 Correct answers $1.00
18966 Dumb looks are still free.
18968 Fortune's diet truths:
18969 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
18970 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
18971 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
18972 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
18973 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
18974 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
18975 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
18976 appealing as tepid beer.
18977 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
18978 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
18979 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
18981 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
18982 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
18983 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
18984 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
18987 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
18989 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
18990 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
18991 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
18992 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
18993 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
18994 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
18995 you twitter around in your chair.
18996 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
18997 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
18998 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
18999 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19000 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19001 followed by one throw-up.
19002 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19004 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19007 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19008 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19009 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19010 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19011 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19013 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19014 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19015 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19016 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19017 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19018 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19019 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19020 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19021 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19022 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19023 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19024 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19025 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19026 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19027 poothtick comes out crean.
19029 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19030 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19032 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19033 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19034 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19035 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19036 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19037 rather then a spotted one.
19038 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19039 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19040 legume-part of the pea family.
19041 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19043 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19044 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19045 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19047 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19048 Can you name the seven seas?
19049 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19050 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19051 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19052 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19054 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19055 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19057 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19059 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19060 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19061 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19063 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19064 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19065 at least once a year.
19067 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19069 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19070 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19072 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19073 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19074 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19075 ability in that particular field."
19077 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19079 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19080 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19082 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19083 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19085 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19086 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19087 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19088 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19090 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19092 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19093 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19095 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19097 Don't Write On Walls!
19101 You want I should type?
19103 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19106 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19107 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19109 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19111 if reality disappears?
19112 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19113 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19115 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19116 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19117 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19118 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19119 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19120 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19121 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19122 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19124 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19126 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19127 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19128 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19129 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19131 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19132 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19133 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19134 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19137 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19138 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19139 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19140 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19141 charges may have been reversed.
19143 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19145 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19146 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19147 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19148 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19149 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19150 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19151 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19153 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19154 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19155 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19156 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19157 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19158 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19159 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19161 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19163 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19165 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19166 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19167 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19168 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19169 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19170 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19171 single poem ever written."
19173 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19174 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19175 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19176 bungling and greed of President
19179 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19180 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19182 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19183 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19184 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19185 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19186 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19187 apply to female horses.
19189 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19190 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19191 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19192 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19193 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19195 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19196 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19197 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19198 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19199 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19200 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19202 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19203 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19205 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19207 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19209 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19211 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19212 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19213 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19214 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19216 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19218 Q: Are you married?
19219 A: No, I'm divorced.
19220 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19221 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19223 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19225 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19226 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19228 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19230 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19231 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19234 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19236 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19237 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19238 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19240 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19242 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19244 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19246 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19247 A: Picking them up in the air.
19248 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19249 A: Attached to the ears.
19251 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19253 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19254 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19255 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19256 him to the station?
19257 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19259 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19261 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19263 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19265 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19267 Q: What is your name?
19268 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19269 Q: And what is your marital status?
19272 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19274 Q: What happened then?
19275 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19277 Q: Did he kill you?
19280 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19282 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19283 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19284 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19285 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19286 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19287 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19288 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19289 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19290 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19291 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19292 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19294 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19295 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19296 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19298 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19300 Never goose a wolverine.
19302 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19304 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19306 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19308 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19309 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19311 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19312 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19314 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19315 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19317 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19318 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19319 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19321 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19322 tombstones, women and competitors.
19323 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19325 Four hours to bury the cat?
19326 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19328 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19329 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19330 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19331 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19333 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19334 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19335 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19338 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19339 study for that instructor's course.
19341 Fourth Law of Revision:
19342 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19343 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19346 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19347 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19350 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19353 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19356 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19357 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19359 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19360 -- A Yippie Proverb
19362 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19364 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19366 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19368 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19372 Did you know that successive security officers take
19373 control by beheading their predecessor?
19376 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19378 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19380 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19383 Freedom is slavery.
19384 Ignorance is strength.
19388 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19390 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19391 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19393 Fremen add life to spice!
19395 Fresco's Discovery:
19396 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19398 Friction is a drag.
19401 Increased automation of clerical function
19402 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19404 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19408 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19410 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19412 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19413 Let me clue you in;
19414 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19415 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19416 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19417 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19418 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19419 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19420 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19421 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19422 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19424 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19428 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19429 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19433 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19434 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19435 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19436 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19437 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19438 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19439 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19440 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19441 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19442 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19444 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19445 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19446 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19447 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19448 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19449 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19450 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19451 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19453 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19454 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19456 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19457 That is the point that must be reached.
19460 From a Tru64 patch description:
19462 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19464 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19465 Association, in Rome]:
19467 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19468 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19469 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19470 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19471 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19472 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19473 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19474 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19475 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19477 From dusk till dawn
19478 I gathered people and their crown
19479 Conquered the hearts of
19481 United the heads of
19483 When weaken your mind
19485 When tired of thinking
19487 My sons and descendants
19488 Don?t get exhausted in mind and thought and but get experienced.
19489 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
19491 From Italian tourist guide:
19493 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19494 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19496 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19498 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19501 From the crystal swirling waters,
19503 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19504 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19505 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19506 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19507 Your butt is on the menu
19508 And the check is in the mail.
19509 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19511 From the "Guinness Book of World Records", 1973:
19513 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19514 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19515 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19516 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19517 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19518 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19519 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19520 being nuts (unground)."
19522 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19523 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19524 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19526 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19529 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19530 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19531 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19532 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19533 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19534 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19535 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19537 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19538 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19539 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19541 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19543 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19544 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19545 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19546 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19547 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19548 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19549 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19551 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19553 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19554 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19555 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19556 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19557 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19559 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19560 systems program at JPL
19562 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19563 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19564 experience in sound:
19566 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19567 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19569 From too much love of living,
19570 From hope and fear set free,
19571 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19572 Whatever gods may be,
19573 That no life lives forever,
19574 That dead men rise up never,
19575 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19578 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
19579 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
19581 "Yes. They have more money."
19584 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19587 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19588 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19591 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19592 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19593 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19596 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19597 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19600 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19601 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19602 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19607 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19610 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19611 even when you are the only person in line.
19612 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19614 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19617 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19618 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19620 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19622 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19623 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
19625 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19626 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19627 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19628 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19629 that's your chance, my boy."
19631 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19634 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19635 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19636 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19638 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19641 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19642 stockings and desolating the country.
19643 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19645 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19646 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19647 -- Adventures of Asterix
19649 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19651 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19652 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19653 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19655 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19656 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19657 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19658 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19659 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19660 individuals and then grow ...
19661 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19662 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19663 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19664 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19665 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19666 think not, my friend, I think not.
19667 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19669 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19670 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19671 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19672 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19673 in it today, either.
19675 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19676 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
19677 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
19678 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
19681 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19682 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19683 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19684 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19685 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19688 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19689 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19691 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19694 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19695 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19696 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19698 General notions are generally wrong.
19699 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19701 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19702 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19704 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19708 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19710 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19711 and if you don't, why you should.
19714 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19715 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19716 all the right things to all the right people.
19718 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19721 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19722 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19727 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19729 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19731 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19735 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19739 Why he stays in the bottle.
19742 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19743 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19744 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19745 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19746 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19747 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19748 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19749 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19750 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19751 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19752 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19753 confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19754 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19755 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19756 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19757 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19758 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19759 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19760 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19761 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19762 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19763 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19764 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19765 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19768 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19769 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19770 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19773 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19776 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19777 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19778 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19780 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19781 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19782 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19784 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19785 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19787 George Orwell was an optimist.
19789 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19790 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19793 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19794 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19795 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19796 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19797 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19798 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19799 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19800 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19801 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19802 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19803 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19804 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19805 gonna get on Labor Day."
19807 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19808 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19809 "And he didn't understand me."
19811 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19812 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19813 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19814 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19815 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19816 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19818 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19820 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19823 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19825 Getting into trouble is easy.
19826 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19828 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19829 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19830 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19831 of the American Bar Association
19833 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19836 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19838 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19840 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19842 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19843 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19844 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19845 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19847 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19848 See them flying through the air (...)
19849 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19850 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19852 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19853 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19854 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19855 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19857 Gilbert's Discovery:
19858 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19859 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19861 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19862 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19863 the last whose realm was fair and free
19864 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19866 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19867 his shining helm afar was seen;
19868 the countless stars of heaven's field
19869 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19871 But long ago he rode away,
19872 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19873 for into darkness fell his star
19874 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19878 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19880 2. You can't break even.
19881 3. You can't even quit the game.
19883 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19885 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19886 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19889 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19890 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19891 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19894 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19895 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19897 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19899 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19900 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19902 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19903 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19906 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19907 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19909 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19911 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19912 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19914 Give him an evasive answer.
19916 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19917 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19919 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19920 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19922 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19924 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19927 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19930 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19932 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19933 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19934 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19935 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19938 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19939 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19940 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19941 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19942 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19943 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19945 Give thought to your reputation.
19946 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19950 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19952 Give your very best today.
19953 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19955 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19956 -- William Faulkner
19958 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19959 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19962 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19964 Given sufficient time, what you put
19965 off doing today will get done by itself.
19967 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19968 rather lie around. No contest.
19971 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19972 car keys to teenage boys.
19975 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19976 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19977 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19978 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19981 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
19982 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
19984 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
19985 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
19986 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
19987 some useful work done.
19989 Gloffing is a state of mine.
19991 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
19992 fifth of dry red wine
19994 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
19998 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
19999 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20001 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20002 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20003 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20004 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20005 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20006 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20007 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20008 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20009 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20013 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20015 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20017 Go ahead, make my day.
20018 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
20020 Go away, I'm all right.
20021 -- H. G. Wells' last words
20023 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20024 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20028 Go climb a gravity well.
20030 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20032 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20033 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20035 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20036 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20038 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20039 be in owning a piece thereof.
20040 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20042 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20043 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20046 Go to a movie tonight.
20047 Darkness becomes you.
20049 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20053 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20054 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20055 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20058 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20059 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20060 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20061 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20064 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20066 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20070 Darwin's chief rival.
20072 God created a few perfect heads.
20073 The rest he covered with hair.
20076 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20077 but many other things ceased as well.
20078 Woman was God's second mistake.
20081 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20082 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20084 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20085 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20088 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
20090 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20091 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20092 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20093 would he lie about a thing like that?
20094 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20096 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20098 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20099 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20101 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20102 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20103 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20104 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20105 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20106 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20107 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20108 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20110 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20111 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20112 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20114 God help those who do not help themselves.
20117 God helps them that helps themselves.
20120 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20122 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20123 but by pains and contradictions.
20126 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20128 God is a polytheist.
20137 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20140 God is love, but get it in writing.
20143 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20144 much less ambitious project.
20146 God is real, unless declared integer.
20148 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20149 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20153 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20156 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20158 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20161 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20163 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20166 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20168 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20171 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20173 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20175 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20176 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20177 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20178 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20179 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20180 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20183 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20184 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20185 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20186 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20187 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20188 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20191 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20192 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20193 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20194 Won't ruin your whole day.
20195 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20197 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20199 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20200 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20203 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20205 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20207 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20211 God votes Republican.
20213 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20217 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20218 somebody moves the ends.
20220 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20222 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20223 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20226 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20227 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20228 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20229 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20230 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20232 Goldenstern's Rules:
20233 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20234 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20236 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20237 eating before he bursts.
20240 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20243 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20244 (2) Time accelerates.
20245 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20247 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20248 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20250 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20252 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20255 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20257 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20258 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20260 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20262 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20265 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20267 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20269 Good advice is something a man gives
20270 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20271 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20273 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20275 Good day for business affairs.
20276 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20278 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20280 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20282 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20284 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20285 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20287 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20289 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20290 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20291 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20292 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20294 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20296 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20297 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20298 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20299 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20300 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20302 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20304 Good judgment comes from experience.
20305 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20308 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20310 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20311 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20312 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20314 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20316 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20318 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20320 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20322 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20324 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20327 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20330 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20333 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20334 -- George Saunders' dying words
20336 Goodbye, cool world.
20338 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20339 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20340 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20341 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20342 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20343 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20344 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20345 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20347 Gordon's first law:
20348 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20352 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20354 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20355 time travel, you never can tell."
20356 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20359 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20362 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20364 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20365 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20369 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20371 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20372 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20373 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20374 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20376 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20377 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20378 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20379 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20381 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20382 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20383 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20384 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20386 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20387 Everybody wants to have a home.
20388 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20389 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20390 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20393 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20396 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20397 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20401 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20402 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20403 leaving the best part.
20405 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20408 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20409 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20411 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20414 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20415 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20417 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20420 There is an exception to all laws.
20422 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20423 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20425 -- Princess Leia Organa
20428 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20430 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20432 Graduate students and most professors are
20433 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20435 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20437 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20438 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20439 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20441 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20442 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20444 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20446 Graphics blind the eyes.
20447 Audio files deafen the ear.
20448 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20449 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20450 Options wither the heart.
20452 The Guru observes the net
20453 but trusts his inner vision.
20454 He allows things to come and go.
20455 His heart is as open as the ether.
20458 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20460 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20464 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20466 Gravity brings me down.
20468 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20470 Gray's Law of Programming:
20471 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20472 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20474 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20475 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20477 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20480 Great American Axiom:
20481 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20483 Great minds run in great circles.
20485 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20487 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20488 place of residence.
20490 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20492 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20494 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20496 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20498 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20501 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20502 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20505 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20507 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20508 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20511 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20513 Green's Law of Debate:
20514 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20516 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20517 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20518 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20519 of half of Common Lisp.
20522 Eighty percent of all people consider
20523 themselves to be above average drivers.
20525 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20527 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20528 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20532 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20534 Grig (the navigator):
20535 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20539 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20541 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20542 Grig: That's the spirit!
20543 -- The Last Starfighter
20545 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20546 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20548 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20549 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20552 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20553 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20554 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20555 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20556 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20557 maybe, but not in the House."
20559 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20560 -- Maurice Chevalier
20562 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20563 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20564 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
20565 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
20566 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
20567 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
20568 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
20569 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
20570 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
20571 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
20572 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
20573 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
20574 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20577 Grub first, then ethics.
20581 A French chopping center.
20584 The probability of a given event
20585 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20587 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20589 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20590 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20591 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20592 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20593 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20596 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20597 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20598 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20601 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20602 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20603 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20606 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20609 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20610 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20611 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20612 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20613 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20614 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20615 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20616 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20618 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20619 Slice him up before he slays you.
20620 Nothing makes you look a slob
20621 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20622 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20624 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20625 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20626 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20628 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20629 Those who can -- do.
20630 Those who can't -- teach.
20632 Martin's Extension:
20633 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20635 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20638 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20639 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20640 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
20641 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20642 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20643 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20644 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20646 Hacker's Fight Song
20648 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20649 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20650 Never bungles, never shirks,
20651 Always gets his stuff to work!
20653 All take a drink (important!)
20655 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20657 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20658 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20659 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20660 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20661 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20662 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20663 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20664 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20665 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20666 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20667 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20668 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20669 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20671 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20672 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20673 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20674 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20675 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20676 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20677 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20680 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20681 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20683 Hackers of the world, unite!
20685 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20686 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20690 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20692 Had he and I but met
20693 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20694 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20695 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20696 And killed him in his place.
20697 I shot him dead because --
20698 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20699 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20700 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20701 No other reason why.
20702 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20703 You shoot a fellow down
20704 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20705 Or help to half-a-crown.
20708 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20709 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20710 -- Alfonso the Wise
20712 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20713 referring to operating system initialization.]
20715 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20716 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20718 Hail to the sun god
20719 He's such a fun god
20722 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20724 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20725 a big enough majority in any town?
20726 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20728 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20729 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20730 one of the following:
20731 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20734 (d) The letter you are answering.
20736 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20737 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20738 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20739 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20741 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
20743 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20745 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20746 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20749 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20750 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20751 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20752 difference between life and death.
20754 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20755 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20756 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20757 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20758 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20759 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20760 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20763 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20765 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20766 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20767 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20769 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20770 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20771 their own districts).
20774 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20775 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20776 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20779 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20781 handshaking protocol, n:
20782 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20783 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20784 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20786 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20790 The wrath of grapes.
20793 Never attribute to malice
20794 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20796 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20797 There are never enough hours in a day,
20798 but always too many days before Saturday.
20800 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20802 Happiness is a hard disk.
20804 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20806 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20809 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20812 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20814 Happiness is the greatest good.
20816 Happiness is twin floppies.
20818 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20820 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20823 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20826 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20828 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20831 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20833 Happy feast of the pig!
20835 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20838 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20841 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20844 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20846 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20847 -- Charlie McCarthy
20850 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20852 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20853 The Duke is fond of kittens
20854 He likes to take their insides out
20855 And use them for his mittens
20856 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
20858 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20859 Advertising wondrous things.
20862 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20863 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20866 Harp not on that string.
20867 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20869 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20870 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20871 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20873 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20874 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20875 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20877 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20878 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20879 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20880 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20881 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20882 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20883 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20884 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20885 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20886 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20888 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20889 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20890 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20891 hadn't been carving that pie."
20892 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20894 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20895 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20898 Harrison's Postulate:
20899 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20902 All the good ones are taken.
20904 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20905 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20906 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20907 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20908 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20909 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20910 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20911 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20912 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20913 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20914 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20915 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20916 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20917 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20918 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20921 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20922 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20923 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20924 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20925 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20926 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20927 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20928 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20929 just like Richard Nixon."
20930 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20932 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20933 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20934 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20935 with all that pep and vitality.
20937 Hartley's First Law:
20938 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20939 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20941 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
20942 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20945 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20948 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20949 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20950 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20954 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20955 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20956 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20957 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20959 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20960 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20961 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20962 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20963 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20967 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20968 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20969 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20970 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20971 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20973 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20975 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20977 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20978 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20979 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20980 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20981 but a lot harder than it appears.
20983 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
20984 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
20985 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
20986 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
20987 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
20988 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
20994 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
20996 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
20997 -- "Night After Night", 1932
20999 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21000 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21002 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21005 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21006 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21010 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21014 Have a coke and a smile!
21019 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21021 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21022 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21028 Have an adequate day.
21032 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21035 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21036 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21037 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21039 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21040 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21041 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21043 Long live the revolution!
21046 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21047 seriously, for they will shape you.
21050 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21051 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21052 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21053 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21054 two-day-old cookbook?
21055 -- Richard Brautigan
21057 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21059 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21060 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21061 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21062 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21064 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21066 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21067 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21068 never find the time for play?
21070 Have you flogged your kid today?
21072 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21074 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21075 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21077 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21078 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21081 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21083 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21084 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21086 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21087 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21088 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21089 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21091 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21092 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21093 Let me take you by the hand
21094 Lead you through the streets of London
21095 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21097 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21098 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21099 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21100 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21102 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21103 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21104 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21105 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21106 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21107 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21109 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21110 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21111 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21112 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21113 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21115 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21116 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21117 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21118 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21119 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21120 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21122 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21123 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21124 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21125 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21126 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21127 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21128 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21130 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21132 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21135 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21138 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21139 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21141 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21144 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21145 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21146 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21147 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21150 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21151 It's not easy to play the clown
21152 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21154 He: Do you like Kipling?
21155 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21157 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21158 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21161 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21162 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21165 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21168 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21169 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21171 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21173 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21174 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21175 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21177 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21178 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21180 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21181 finer than the staple of his argument.
21182 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21184 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21186 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21188 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21189 perfectly delightful.
21192 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21193 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21194 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21195 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21197 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21200 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21201 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21204 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21207 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21208 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21210 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21211 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21212 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21213 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21215 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21218 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21219 who can say nothing in the most words.
21221 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21223 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21226 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21229 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21232 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21234 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21235 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21237 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21239 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21240 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21242 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21243 -- Sir Richard Burton
21245 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21246 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21248 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21251 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21254 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21255 had fallen to the ground.
21256 -- The Book of Serenity
21258 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21260 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21261 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21262 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21263 I must translate it otherwise.
21264 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21265 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21266 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21267 Lest you should write too hastily.
21268 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21269 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21270 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21271 That my translation must be changed again.
21272 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21273 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21276 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21277 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21279 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21280 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21282 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21283 -- John Stark, movie review
21285 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21286 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21288 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21289 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21290 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21292 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21293 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21295 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21296 -- Scottish proverb
21298 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21301 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21302 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21304 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21305 -- Benjamin Franklin
21307 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21309 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21310 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21312 He thought he saw an albatross
21313 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21314 He looked again and saw it was
21315 A penny postage stamp.
21316 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21317 "The nights are rather damp."
21319 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21320 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21321 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21322 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21323 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21324 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21326 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21330 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21332 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21333 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21334 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21335 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21336 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21339 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21342 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21345 He was part of my dream, of course --
21346 but then I was part of his dream too.
21349 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21351 He was the sort of person whose personality
21352 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21354 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21356 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21357 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21358 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21360 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21361 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21363 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21364 the human condition is a fool.
21367 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21368 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21370 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21373 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21376 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21378 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21380 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21382 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21384 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21386 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21387 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21388 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21390 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21392 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21395 He who hesitates is last.
21397 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21399 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21401 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21402 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21404 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21406 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21408 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21410 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21411 encounter many rivals.
21412 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21414 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21415 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21416 senses until the day of judgment.
21419 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21421 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21424 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21425 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21426 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21428 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21429 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21430 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21431 he knows something. Or something like that.
21433 He who knows others is wise.
21434 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21437 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21440 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21443 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21445 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21447 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21449 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21451 He who laughs, lasts.
21453 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21455 He who loses, wins the race,
21456 And parallel lines meet in space.
21457 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21459 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21462 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21464 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21465 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21466 -- Sir Richard Burton
21468 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21471 He who slings mud loses ground.
21474 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21476 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21478 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21481 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21484 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21485 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21486 education and culture.
21487 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21489 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21492 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21494 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21495 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21499 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21500 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21503 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21504 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21507 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21508 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21509 up a chopped libber?
21512 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
21513 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21516 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21517 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21521 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21522 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
21523 typewriter's ribbon?
21526 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
21527 One fortunate cookie...
21529 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
21530 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
21531 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
21533 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
21534 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
21536 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
21537 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
21539 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
21540 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
21541 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
21542 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
21545 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
21546 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
21547 while you expound your own.
21548 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21550 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
21551 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
21554 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
21556 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
21558 Heisenberg may have been here.
21560 Heisenberg may have slept here.
21562 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
21565 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
21566 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
21567 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
21569 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
21570 how are they supposed to know you care?
21572 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21573 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21576 Truth seen too late.
21579 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21581 Johnson's Corollary:
21582 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21585 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21586 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21587 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21589 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21590 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21591 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21592 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21593 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21594 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21596 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21597 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21598 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21601 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21603 Hell's broken loose.
21606 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21608 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21610 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21613 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21615 Help fight continental drift.
21617 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune/!
21619 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21621 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21623 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21625 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21626 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21627 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21628 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21629 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21630 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21633 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21634 Her loving husband's life to save;
21635 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21636 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21638 But to our modern married fair,
21639 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21640 No stellar recognition's given.
21641 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21643 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21644 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21646 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21648 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21649 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21650 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21651 thousand times before
21652 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21653 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21655 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21659 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21660 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21661 First net.this and net.that,
21662 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21664 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21665 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21666 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21667 For someone trapped in net.news?
21669 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21670 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21672 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21673 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21674 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21675 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21677 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21678 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21679 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21680 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21682 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21683 At whose beckoning history shook.
21684 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21685 So I stay at home with a book.
21688 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21689 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21690 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21691 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21692 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21693 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21694 important electrical lesson.
21696 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21697 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21698 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21699 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21700 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21701 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21702 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21704 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21705 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21706 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21708 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21710 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21711 if you're alive, it isn't.
21713 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21714 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21715 marketing anxiety in China.
21717 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21718 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21720 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21722 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21723 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21724 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21725 satiric vistas do not open up.
21726 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21728 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21729 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21732 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21734 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21735 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21736 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21738 Here there by tygers.
21740 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21741 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21742 around as if you're going to fall.
21743 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
21745 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21746 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21750 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21752 He's been like a father to me,
21753 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21754 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21755 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21760 He's got the heart of a little child,
21761 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21763 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21765 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21767 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21768 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21771 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21772 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21774 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21776 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21777 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21779 Hewett's Observation:
21780 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21781 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21782 peers similarly engaged.
21784 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21785 To get a little more stack;
21786 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21787 And have to pop all the way back.
21789 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21790 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21792 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21793 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21794 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21795 these words were spoken.
21797 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21798 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21801 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21802 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21804 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21805 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21806 leave your name and message after the beep...
21808 Hi! How are things going?
21809 (just fine, thank you...)
21810 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21811 (you just asked one...)
21812 Well, how about one more?
21813 (one more than the first one?)
21815 (you already asked that...)
21816 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21817 May I ask two questions, sir?
21819 May I ask ONE then?
21821 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21823 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21824 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21825 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21826 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21828 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21829 (go right ahead...)
21831 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21832 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21833 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21834 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21835 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21836 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21837 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21838 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21840 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21841 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21842 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21844 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21845 You wanna help on the audit now?
21847 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21848 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21849 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21851 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21852 The mice ran up the clock,
21853 The clock struck one,
21854 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21856 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21860 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21862 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21863 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21864 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21865 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21866 We buried him today because
21867 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21868 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21869 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21870 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21875 Ruffled the critics by
21876 Dropping this bomb:
21877 "Phooey on Freud and his
21879 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
21882 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21883 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21885 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21887 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21888 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21890 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21891 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21892 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21893 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21894 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21895 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21896 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21897 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21898 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21899 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21900 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21901 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21902 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21903 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21904 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21906 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21909 A California innovation composed
21910 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21912 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21914 Hildebrant's Principle:
21915 If you don't know where you are going,
21916 any road will get you there.
21918 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21919 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21920 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21921 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21924 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21927 Hindsight is an exact science.
21930 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21931 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21932 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21933 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21934 of zoology is full of surprises.
21935 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21937 Hire the morally handicapped.
21939 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21940 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21941 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21943 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21946 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21947 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21949 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21950 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21951 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21952 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21953 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21954 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21955 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21956 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21957 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21958 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21959 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21960 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21961 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21963 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21964 money, he went to Southern California.
21966 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21968 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21971 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21973 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21976 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21978 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21979 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21980 continues to this day.
21983 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
21985 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
21986 of the Mexican revolution:
21988 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
21989 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
21990 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
21991 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
21992 army where he was then executed."
21994 History is curious stuff
21995 You'd think by now we had enough
21996 Yet the fact remains I fear
21997 They make more of it every year.
21999 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22000 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22003 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22005 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22006 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22008 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22010 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22011 time as bedroom farce.
22013 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22015 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22016 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22017 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22018 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22019 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22020 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22022 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22023 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22024 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22025 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22026 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22028 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22029 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22030 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22031 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22032 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22034 And let me halfway fall in love,
22035 For part of a lonely night,
22036 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22037 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22038 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22039 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22042 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22043 The stapler runs out of staples
22044 only while you are trying to staple something.
22046 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22047 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22048 used against the coloured.
22049 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22052 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22053 they will find an easier way to do it.
22055 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22056 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22058 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22059 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22060 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22061 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22062 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22063 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22064 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22065 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22066 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22067 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22068 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22069 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22071 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22072 Inside every large problem is a small
22073 problem struggling to get out.
22075 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22077 Hoffer's Discovery:
22078 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22079 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22082 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22083 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22085 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22086 Take a shot every time:
22088 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22089 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22090 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22091 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22092 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22093 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22094 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22095 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22096 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22097 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22098 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22099 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22100 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22101 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22102 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22103 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22104 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22105 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22106 plan is impossible.
22107 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22110 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22112 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22115 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22116 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22118 Tune in again tomorrow:
22119 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22123 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22124 they have to take you in.
22125 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22127 Home is where the hurt is.
22129 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22130 cage is to a cockatoo.
22131 -- George Bernard Shaw
22133 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22134 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22137 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22139 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22142 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22145 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22147 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22150 Honesty's the best policy.
22151 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22154 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22157 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22159 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22161 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22164 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22165 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
22166 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22167 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22169 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22172 Hope is a waking dream.
22175 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22178 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22180 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22183 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22184 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22187 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22188 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22190 Horngren's Observation:
22191 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22193 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22196 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22199 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22201 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22203 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22204 had towels from my house.
22207 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22210 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22211 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22213 Housework can kill you if done right.
22216 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22219 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22220 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22222 How can you be in two places at once
22223 when you're not anywhere at all?
22225 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22228 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22229 -- Charles de Gaulle
22231 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22234 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22235 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22236 in the waking state?
22239 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22242 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22244 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22246 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22247 claim they'll make you?
22249 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22251 How come we never talk anymore?
22253 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22255 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22256 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22259 How could they think women a recreation?
22260 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22261 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22262 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22263 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22264 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22265 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22266 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22267 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22268 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22269 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22270 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22271 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22272 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22273 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22275 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22276 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22277 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22278 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22279 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22280 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22281 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22282 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22283 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22284 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22285 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22286 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22287 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22288 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22289 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22290 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22292 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22294 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22297 How doth the little crocodile
22298 Improve his shining tail,
22299 And pour the waters of the Nile
22300 On every golden scale!
22302 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22303 How neatly spreads his claws,
22304 And welcomes little fishes in,
22305 With gently smiling jaws!
22306 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22308 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22309 Improve its object code.
22310 And even as we speak does it
22311 Increase the system load.
22313 How patiently it seems to run
22314 And spit out error flags,
22315 While users, with frustration, all
22316 Tear their clothes to rags.
22318 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22319 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22320 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22322 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22324 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22325 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22327 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22328 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22330 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22331 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22332 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22333 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22334 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22335 cheese!" and so on.
22336 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22338 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22340 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22341 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22343 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22345 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22347 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22349 How much does she love you?
22350 Less than you'll ever know.
22352 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22353 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22354 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22356 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22358 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22360 How often I found where I should be going
22361 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22362 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22364 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22366 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22369 How to become a sysop:
22370 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22371 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22372 worked a full day in my life since then.
22375 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22376 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22378 How untasteful can you get?
22380 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22382 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22383 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22385 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22386 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22388 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22390 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22393 How you look depends on where you go.
22396 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22398 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22399 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22402 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22403 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22404 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22405 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22406 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22407 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22408 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22409 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22410 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22411 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22412 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22413 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22414 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22415 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22416 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22417 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22418 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22419 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22420 in the name of "conservatism."
22421 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22423 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22424 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22425 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22426 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22427 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22428 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22429 -- Albuquerque Journal
22432 Don't take life too seriously;
22433 you won't get out of it alive.
22435 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22437 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22442 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22444 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22445 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22446 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22447 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22448 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22449 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22451 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22452 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22454 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22457 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22458 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22462 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22465 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22466 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22468 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22470 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22473 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22476 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22477 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22478 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22479 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22480 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22481 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22482 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22483 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22484 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22486 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22488 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22489 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22490 All the king's horses,
22491 And all the king's men,
22492 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22494 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22496 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22497 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22498 to... to... uh.....
22500 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22501 time, turns into people.
22505 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22506 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22508 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22509 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22511 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22513 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22515 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
22516 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
22518 -- Norman Augustine
22520 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
22521 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
22522 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
22523 terrifies people the most.
22526 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
22529 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
22532 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
22533 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
22535 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
22536 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
22537 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
22538 -- Richard M. Nixon
22540 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
22541 -- Richard M. Nixon
22543 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
22544 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
22545 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
22547 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
22550 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
22551 It is never any good to oneself.
22552 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
22554 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
22555 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
22557 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
22558 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
22559 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
22561 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
22564 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
22565 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
22566 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
22567 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
22568 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
22569 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
22570 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22571 And a cow. And a cow.
22573 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
22574 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
22575 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
22576 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
22577 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
22578 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
22579 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22580 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22581 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22583 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22584 person, you will not sell me another book.
22587 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22589 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22590 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22591 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22593 I am a deeply superficial person.
22596 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22600 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22601 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22603 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22604 computer to be running Win98.
22605 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22607 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22608 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22609 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22611 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22612 -- Winston Churchill
22614 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22615 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22616 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22617 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22619 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22621 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22622 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22623 is to suffer for others.
22626 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22627 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22628 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22629 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22631 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22632 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22634 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22635 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22636 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22639 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22640 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22641 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22642 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22643 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22644 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22646 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22647 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22649 I am looking for a honest man.
22650 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22652 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22659 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22662 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22663 -- William Allen White
22665 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22668 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22671 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22674 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22675 -- English Professor
22677 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22678 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22679 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22680 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22683 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22684 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22685 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22687 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22688 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22689 -- Winston Churchill
22691 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22692 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22693 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22695 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22696 with an option to buy.
22698 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22700 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22702 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22705 I am two with nature.
22708 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22709 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22712 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22713 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22714 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22715 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22716 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22718 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22719 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22720 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22721 they don't even invite me.
22724 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22725 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22726 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22727 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22728 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22729 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22730 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22732 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22733 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22741 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22744 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22745 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22746 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22747 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22748 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22749 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22750 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22751 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22752 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22753 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22754 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22755 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22757 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22759 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22760 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22763 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22764 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22765 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22766 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22767 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22768 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22769 the people who might elect him.
22772 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22773 -- G. K. Chesterton
22775 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22778 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22779 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22780 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22782 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22783 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22784 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22787 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22790 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22793 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22794 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22795 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22797 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22798 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22799 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22800 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22801 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
22803 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22804 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22805 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22807 I brake for chezlogs!
22809 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22810 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22811 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22812 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22813 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22814 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22815 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22816 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22817 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22818 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22819 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22820 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22821 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22822 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22823 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22826 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22829 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22830 They're still living in the fifties.
22833 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22835 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22836 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22837 -- Firesign Theatre
22839 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22841 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22842 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22843 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22847 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22848 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22850 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22853 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22854 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22857 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22859 I can relate to that.
22861 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22862 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22866 I can resist anything but temptation.
22868 I can see him a'comin'
22869 With his big boots on,
22870 With his big thumb out,
22871 He wants to get me.
22872 He wants to hurt me.
22873 He wants to bring me down.
22874 But some time later,
22875 When I feel a little straighter,
22876 I'll come across a stranger
22877 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22878 And then.... I'll run him over.
22879 Pretty smart on my part!
22880 To find my way... In the dark!
22883 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22884 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22887 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22890 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22891 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22893 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22894 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22895 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22897 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22898 If it be man's work I will do it.
22900 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22902 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22903 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22904 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22905 United States would have lost World War II."
22906 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22908 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22911 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22912 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22914 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22917 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22918 -- Florence Henderson
22920 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22923 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22924 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22925 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22926 Your Socks Outside-in
22927 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22928 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22929 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22930 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22931 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22932 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22934 I can't mate in captivity.
22935 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22937 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22938 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22941 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22942 -- Albert Anastasia
22944 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22945 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22946 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22947 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22950 I can't understand it.
22951 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22952 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22954 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22955 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22958 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22959 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22962 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22963 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22967 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22968 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22969 -- Michael Prichard
22971 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22972 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22975 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22976 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22977 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
22979 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
22980 dance with the cows till you come home.
22983 I could never learn to like her --
22984 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
22987 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
22989 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
22990 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
22993 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
22995 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
22996 I should have to believe in it in this one.
22999 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23002 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23003 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23006 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23008 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
23010 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23011 The curtain was up.
23013 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23014 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23016 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23017 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23018 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23019 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23020 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23022 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23023 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23024 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23026 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23027 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23029 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23031 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23032 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23033 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23034 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23035 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23036 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23038 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23040 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23041 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23042 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23045 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23046 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23047 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23048 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23049 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23050 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23051 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23052 Cardinals backed down and played.
23054 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23057 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23058 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23061 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23062 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23064 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23065 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23066 comes nearest to it of any.
23067 -- Henry David Thoreau
23069 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23070 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23073 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23074 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23075 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23076 devote it to research in mathematics.
23077 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23079 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23080 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23084 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23087 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23088 don't believe in astrology.
23089 -- James R. F. Quirk
23091 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23092 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23095 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23096 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23097 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23099 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23100 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23101 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23102 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23104 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23105 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23107 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23110 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23114 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23115 deserve that either.
23118 I don't do it for the money.
23119 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23121 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23124 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23125 -- Katherine Cebrian
23127 I don't get no respect.
23129 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23130 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23132 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23133 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23135 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23136 highly trained certified public accountants.
23139 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23140 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23141 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23143 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23144 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23147 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23150 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23151 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23154 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23155 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23158 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23159 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23161 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23163 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23164 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23167 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23169 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23170 with Dutch Schultz.
23172 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23173 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23174 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23177 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23180 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23181 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23184 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23187 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23188 streets and frighten the horses.
23191 I don't need no arms around me...
23192 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23193 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23194 Don't think I need anything at all.
23195 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23196 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23197 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23198 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23200 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23202 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23204 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23205 he starts to practice law.
23206 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23209 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23210 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23211 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23213 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23215 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23216 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23217 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23219 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23220 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23222 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23223 you human beings don't."
23226 I don't understand you anymore.
23228 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23229 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23231 I don't want a pickle,
23232 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23233 And I don't want to die,
23234 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23237 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23240 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23241 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23244 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23245 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23246 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23247 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23248 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23249 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23250 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23253 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23255 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23258 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23260 I dote on his very absence.
23261 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23263 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23265 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23266 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23267 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23268 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23269 -- George Bernard Shaw
23271 I drink to make other people interesting.
23272 -- George Jean Nathan
23274 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23276 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23278 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23280 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23282 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23284 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23285 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23286 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23288 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23289 honest difference of opinion.
23292 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23293 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23296 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23297 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23300 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23302 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23305 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23306 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23309 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23310 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23311 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23312 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23314 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23315 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23316 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23317 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23319 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23320 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23321 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23322 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23324 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
\bh_
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23325 minutes of my life!
23327 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23330 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23333 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23334 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23335 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23336 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23338 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23339 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23340 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23341 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23344 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23345 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23347 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23350 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23353 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23354 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23355 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23358 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23362 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23365 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23366 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23367 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23368 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23369 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23370 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23371 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23374 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23377 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23378 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23380 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23381 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23382 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23383 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23385 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23387 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23388 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23389 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23390 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23392 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23393 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23394 win -- or even how you won.
23397 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23398 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23401 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23402 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23403 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23404 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23406 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23409 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23410 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23411 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
23413 I had a dream last night...
23414 I dreamt about 1976.
23415 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23416 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23417 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23418 so I went back to sleep again.
23419 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23421 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23422 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23423 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23424 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23425 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23426 dinner and I let it go.
23427 -- Winston Churchill
23429 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23430 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23434 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23435 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23436 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23438 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23439 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23443 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23444 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23445 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23446 power to make things different is a bitch.
23449 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23450 so I took his shoes.
23453 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23454 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23457 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23458 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
23461 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23463 I hate babies. They're so human.
23469 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23470 it's going to be up all night.
23473 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23474 and I know how bad I am.
23478 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23480 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23481 there's nothing else to do.
23484 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23485 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23488 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23489 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23490 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23491 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23492 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23493 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23494 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23495 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23496 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23499 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23500 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23501 and just keeps on typing.
23504 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23505 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
23506 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
23507 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23509 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
23510 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
23511 I just... to make a long story short..."
23514 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
23515 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
23517 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
23518 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
23522 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
23523 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
23524 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
23525 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
23527 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
23528 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
23529 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
23530 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
23531 -- Robert L. Stevenson
23533 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
23534 I spent last summer folding it.
23535 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
23538 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
23541 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
23542 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
23543 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
23546 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
23548 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
23549 but I can't prove it.
23551 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
23554 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
23555 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
23557 I have a very strange feeling about this...
23560 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
23561 sacrifice my wife's brother.
23564 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
23565 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
23566 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
23568 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
23571 I have become me without my consent.
23573 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
23574 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
23575 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
23577 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23579 -- George Bernard Shaw
23581 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23582 to sit still in a room.
23585 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23586 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23587 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23589 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23590 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23591 support of the woman I love.
23592 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
23593 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23594 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
23596 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23597 most of them are trash.
23600 I have gained this by philosophy:
23601 that I do without being commanded what others
23602 do only from fear of the law.
23605 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23608 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23609 of a prostate operation.
23610 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23612 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23615 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23616 I do believe that is a record.
23617 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23619 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23620 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23621 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23622 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23623 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23624 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23625 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23628 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23629 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23633 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23634 Which still grates on
23635 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23638 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23639 None of them is worth anything.
23640 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23641 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23642 The price of half a gallon
23644 And most of the bus fare home.
23646 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23647 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23648 -- James Gordon Bennett
23650 I have made this letter longer than usual
23651 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23654 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23656 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23658 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23660 I have never been one to sacrifice
23661 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23662 -- A. M. Readyhough
23664 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23667 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23670 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23671 gone in two years. He was half right.
23672 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23674 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23677 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23678 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23682 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23683 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23686 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23687 As seas of ink I spatter.
23688 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23689 The other kind don't matter.
23690 -- Robert W. Service
23692 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23693 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23694 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23695 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23697 I have not yet begun to byte!
23699 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23702 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23703 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23704 be blockhead enough to have me.
23707 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23710 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23713 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23714 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23715 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23716 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23717 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23718 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23719 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23720 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23721 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23722 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23723 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23724 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23725 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23726 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23727 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23728 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23729 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23730 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23731 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23732 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23733 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
23734 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23735 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23736 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23737 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23739 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23740 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23742 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23744 I have that old biological urge,
23745 I have that old irresistible surge,
23748 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23751 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23752 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23754 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23757 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23758 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23759 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23760 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23761 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23762 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23763 science of data processing), c. 1957
23765 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23766 -- John D. Rockefeller
23768 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23769 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23772 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23774 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23776 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23777 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23779 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23781 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23782 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23783 more than he knows.
23784 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23786 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23787 -- Thomas Jefferson
23789 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23790 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23791 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23792 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23794 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23795 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23796 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23797 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23799 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23801 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23802 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23804 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23807 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23811 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23812 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23813 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23814 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23815 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23817 I just got out of the hospital after a
23818 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23821 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23824 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23827 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23828 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23829 -- Arturo Toscanini
23831 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23832 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23834 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23835 If I could just remember what it was.
23837 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23838 take one along that worked.
23839 -- Raymond Chandler
23841 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23842 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23843 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23844 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23845 But don't you get square!
23846 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23847 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23849 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23851 I know not how I came into this,
23852 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23855 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23856 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23859 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23862 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23863 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23866 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23867 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23868 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23870 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23871 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23874 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23875 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23876 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23877 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23878 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23879 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23881 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23882 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23885 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23886 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23888 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23890 I lately lost a preposition;
23891 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23892 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23893 Up from out of under there."
23895 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23896 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23897 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23898 Up from out of under for?"
23901 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23902 Waitin' for the double E.
23903 The railroad don't run no more.
23904 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23905 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23906 These young girls won't let me be,
23907 Lord have mercy on me!
23910 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23911 Well, I ain't naming names.
23912 But she really worked me over good,
23913 She was just like Jesse James.
23914 She really worked me over good,
23915 She was a credit to her gender.
23916 She put me through some changes, boy,
23917 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23919 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23920 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23921 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23922 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23923 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23925 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23926 didn't is just lyin'!
23929 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23932 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23933 that kidnaped Europa.
23934 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23936 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23937 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23938 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23939 the way and let them have it.
23940 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23942 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23944 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23947 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23949 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23951 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23952 to bite people themselves.
23953 -- August Strindberg
23955 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23956 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23959 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23960 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23963 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23964 someone takes them away.
23967 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23968 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23970 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23973 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23976 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23977 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
23978 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
23980 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
23981 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
23983 I love to eat them Smurfies
23984 Smurfies what I love to eat
23985 Bite they ugly heads off,
23986 Nibble on they bluish feet.
23988 I love treason but hate a traitor.
23989 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
23991 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
23994 I love you, not only for what you are,
23995 but for what I am when I am with you.
23998 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
23999 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24001 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24003 I married beneath me. All women do.
24004 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24006 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24007 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24009 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24011 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24013 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24016 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24017 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24019 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24020 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24022 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
24023 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
24025 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
24026 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
24027 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24029 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
24030 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
24031 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24032 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
24033 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
24034 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
24035 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
24037 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24038 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24041 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24045 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24046 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24047 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24049 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24050 -- Alexander Woolcott
24052 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24053 week sometimes to make it up.
24054 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24056 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24058 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24059 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24060 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24061 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24064 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24065 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24066 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24067 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24068 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24070 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24071 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24073 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24075 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24078 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24079 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24083 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24084 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24085 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24087 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24088 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24091 I never did it that way before.
24093 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24094 places they do today.
24097 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24098 could do was to go away.
24100 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24103 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24106 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24109 I never made a mistake in my life.
24110 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24113 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24114 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24116 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24118 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24120 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24121 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24123 I never saw a purple cow
24124 I never hope to see one
24125 But I can tell you anyhow
24126 I'd rather see than be one.
24129 I've never seen a purple cow
24130 I never hope to see one
24131 But from the milk we're getting now
24132 There certainly must be one
24135 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24136 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24137 But I can tell you anyhow
24138 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24139 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24141 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24143 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24146 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24147 -- George Bernard Shaw
24149 I only know what I read in the papers.
24152 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24153 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24155 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24156 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24157 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24158 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24159 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24160 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24161 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24162 -- Letters From Colette
24165 It's off to work I go...
24167 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24171 I owe the public nothing.
24174 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24175 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24176 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24177 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24178 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24179 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24181 -- Thomas Jefferson
24183 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24184 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24185 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24186 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24187 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24188 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24190 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24192 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24193 of the United States of America
24194 and to the republic for which it stands,
24198 and justice for all.
24199 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24201 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24204 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24206 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24207 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24209 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24212 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24215 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24216 -- William F. Buckley
24218 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24219 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24222 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24223 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24224 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24225 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24226 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24227 aspire to crudeness.
24228 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24230 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24233 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24234 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24235 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24236 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24238 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24239 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24242 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24243 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24245 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24248 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24249 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24250 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24251 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24254 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24255 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24256 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24257 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24258 write about, such as nose-picking.
24259 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24262 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24263 -- Marilyn Chambers
24265 I really hate this damned machine
24266 I wish that they would sell it.
24267 It never does quite what I want
24268 But only what I tell it.
24270 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24271 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24272 something of what has been passing in their time.
24275 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24276 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24277 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24280 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24281 believing that some men are my equals.
24284 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24286 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24287 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24288 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24289 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24290 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24291 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24292 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24293 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24296 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24297 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24298 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24300 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24304 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24305 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24308 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24311 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24312 woman should marry -- and no man.
24313 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24315 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24316 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24317 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24318 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24319 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24320 if they don't get it.
24323 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24324 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24326 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24327 'Round and round they sped.
24328 I was disturbed at this,
24329 I accosted the man,
24330 "It is futile," I said.
24332 "You lie!" He cried,
24336 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24339 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24340 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24343 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24345 I see a bad moon rising.
24346 I see trouble on the way.
24347 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24348 I see bad times today.
24349 Don't go 'round tonight,
24350 It's bound to take your life.
24351 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24352 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24354 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24355 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24356 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24358 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24359 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24360 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24361 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24362 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24364 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24365 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24366 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24367 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24369 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24370 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24371 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24372 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24373 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24374 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24375 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24376 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24377 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24378 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24380 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24381 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24383 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24384 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24386 I sent a message to another time,
24387 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24388 I sent a message to another plane,
24389 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24391 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24392 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24393 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24394 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24395 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24396 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24398 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24399 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24400 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24401 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24402 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24404 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24405 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24407 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24409 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24410 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24411 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24412 that matters, but victory.
24415 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
24416 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24420 -- graffito in San Francisco
24422 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24423 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24426 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24427 most western countries.
24432 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24433 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24436 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24441 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24443 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24444 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24446 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24447 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
24449 I stood on the leading edge,
24450 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24451 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24452 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24453 Go on and give it a try,
24454 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24455 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24457 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24458 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24461 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
24464 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24465 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24466 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24467 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24469 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24471 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24472 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24473 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24474 That needs a helping hand,
24475 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24476 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24478 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24479 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24480 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24481 are worth considering, to wit:
24484 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24485 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24488 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24489 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24490 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
24494 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
24497 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24498 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24499 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24500 are worth considering, to wit:
24503 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
24504 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
24505 a U-turn on a divided highway."
24508 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
24509 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
24510 traveling more than 60 MPH."
24513 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24514 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24516 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24517 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24518 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24519 are worth considering, to wit:
24522 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
24523 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
24526 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
24527 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
24528 a 5' parking space."
24531 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
24532 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
24534 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
24535 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
24537 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
24538 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
24539 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
24541 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
24542 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
24543 munchies, and ate the other half.
24545 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
24546 bottle stuck up my nose.
24547 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24549 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
24550 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
24552 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
24553 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
24554 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
24555 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24557 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
24558 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
24559 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
24560 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24562 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
24565 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
24566 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
24569 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
24572 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
24573 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
24575 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
24576 because I couldn't remember the proof.
24577 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
24579 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
24580 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24582 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
24584 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
24585 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
24586 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
24588 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
24589 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
24590 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
24591 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24592 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24595 I think that I shall never hear
24596 A poem lovelier than beer.
24597 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24598 With golden base and snowy cap.
24599 The stuff that I can drink all day
24600 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24601 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24602 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24604 I think that I shall never see
24605 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24606 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24607 I'll never see a tree at all.
24610 I think that I shall never see
24611 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24612 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
24613 I'll never see a tree at all.
24616 I think that I shall never see
24617 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24618 But as you see the trees have gone
24619 They went this morning with the dawn.
24620 A logging firm from out of town
24621 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24622 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24623 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
24625 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24626 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24627 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24628 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24629 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24630 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24631 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24632 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24633 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24634 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24636 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24637 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24640 I think the world is run by C students.
24643 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24644 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24645 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24647 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24648 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24649 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24651 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24653 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24655 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24656 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
24658 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24660 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
24662 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24665 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24666 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24667 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24668 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24669 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24670 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24671 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24672 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24674 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24676 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24677 -- Firesign Theatre
24679 I think we're in trouble.
24682 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24683 except for the one about my mental instability.
24684 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
24686 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24687 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24688 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24689 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24690 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24691 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24692 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24693 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24694 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24695 She sent one from some past high school day,
24696 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24697 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24698 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24699 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24700 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24701 If you were not so totally weird!"
24702 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24703 And he had not done just the same,
24704 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24705 And would not have had fun with the game.
24707 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24709 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24711 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24713 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24715 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24716 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24717 -- Winston Churchill
24719 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24720 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24724 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24725 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24727 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24729 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24730 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24731 and drown myself in the noise.
24732 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24734 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24735 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24737 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24740 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24741 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24743 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24744 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24745 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24747 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24748 I never have to go upstairs.
24750 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24751 front of it in only eight minutes.
24754 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24757 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24760 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24763 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24764 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24765 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24766 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24767 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24768 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24772 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24774 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24777 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24780 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24781 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24782 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24783 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24784 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24785 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24786 No more, Mr. Clean,
24787 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24788 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24790 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24791 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24792 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24793 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24794 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24796 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24797 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24799 I used to have a drinking problem.
24800 Now I love the stuff.
24802 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24803 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24805 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24806 like I'm the only one moving.
24808 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24809 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24810 to be out that long."
24812 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24813 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24816 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24817 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24818 more mature than I am.
24820 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24822 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24823 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24824 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24827 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24828 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24831 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24835 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24836 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24837 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24838 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24842 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24844 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24845 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24847 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24848 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24850 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24852 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24855 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24857 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24858 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24859 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24860 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24861 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24862 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24864 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24866 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24867 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24870 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24871 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24872 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24876 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24877 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24878 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24879 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24882 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24883 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24884 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24885 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24886 get off my driveway.
24889 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24890 With a lady in St. Louie,
24891 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24892 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24893 Roll this rocker out some money,
24894 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24897 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24898 I said I didn't know.
24901 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24902 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24903 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24904 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24905 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24906 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24907 that all the time."
24908 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24910 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24911 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24914 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24915 permitted me to function effectively.
24918 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24919 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24920 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24921 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24922 avoiding the beach.
24923 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24925 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24926 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24929 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24930 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24931 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24932 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24933 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24934 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24935 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24936 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24937 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24938 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24939 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24941 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24942 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24943 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24944 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24946 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24947 full house and four people died.
24950 I was the best I ever had.
24953 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24956 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24957 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24958 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24959 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24960 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24962 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24965 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24968 I went home with a waitress,
24969 The way I always do.
24970 How I was I to know?
24971 She was with the Russians too.
24973 I was gambling in Havana,
24974 I took a little risk.
24975 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24976 Dad, get me out of this.
24977 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
24979 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
24982 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
24983 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
24987 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
24988 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
24989 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
24990 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
24991 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
24992 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
24993 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
24994 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
24995 program to the point where it would not run at all.
24996 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
24997 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
24999 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25000 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25002 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25003 As if you just squashed a cop.
25004 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25006 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25010 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25011 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25012 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25014 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25018 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25019 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25020 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25021 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25023 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25024 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25026 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25029 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25030 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25032 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25034 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25035 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25039 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25040 statues that are in all the other museums.
25043 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25044 it took seven others to beat him!
25046 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25048 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25049 but not into it if I can help it.
25050 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25052 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25053 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25054 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25055 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25056 writing on this stone!
25059 I will make you shorter by the head.
25062 I will never lie to you.
25064 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25068 I will not get drunk!
25070 I will not in public!
25072 I will not fall down!
25074 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25076 I will not forget you.
25078 I will not play at tug o' war.
25079 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25080 Where everyone hugs
25082 Where everyone giggles
25083 And rolls on the rug,
25084 Where everyone kisses,
25085 And everyone grins,
25086 And everyone cuddles,
25088 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25090 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25094 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25095 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25098 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25100 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25102 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25103 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25107 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25109 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25111 I woke up a feelin' mean
25112 went down to play the slot machine
25113 the wheels turned round,
25114 and the letters read
25115 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25118 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25119 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25120 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25121 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25124 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25125 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25126 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25127 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25130 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25131 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25133 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25134 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25137 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25138 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25139 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25140 after we've been home a long while.
25143 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25144 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25147 I would have made a good pope.
25150 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25151 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25152 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25155 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25156 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25157 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25158 forget or do not know.
25159 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25161 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25162 referring to image activation and termination.]
25164 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25165 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25166 our tasks will be solved.
25167 -- Warren G. Harding
25169 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25170 with income tax policies.
25171 -- William F. Buckley
25173 I would like to know
25174 What I was fencing in
25175 And what I was fencing out.
25178 I would much rather have men ask why
25179 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25180 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25182 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25183 they're being taped.
25186 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25187 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25189 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25190 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25191 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25193 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25194 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25196 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25198 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25200 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25201 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25202 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25204 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25206 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25207 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25223 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25224 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25225 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25226 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25227 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25228 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25232 Idiots Become Managers
25234 Impossible to Buy Machine
25235 Incredibly Big Machine
25236 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25237 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25238 It Boggles the Mind
25239 It's Better Manually
25240 Itty-Bitty Machines
25242 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25243 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25244 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25247 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25248 And everywhere this language went,
25249 It was a total loss.
25251 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25253 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25254 Machines should work. People should think.
25256 IBM's original motto:
25257 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25259 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25262 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25264 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25266 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25269 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25270 -- Princess Leia Organa
25272 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25273 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25275 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25277 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25279 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25280 whole field to private industry.
25283 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25286 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25289 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25292 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25294 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25297 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25300 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25301 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25303 I'd never cry if I did find
25304 A blue whale in my soup...
25305 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25306 Inside a chicken coop.
25307 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25308 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25309 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25310 They've put acid in my rain.
25313 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25316 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25317 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25320 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25322 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25324 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25327 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25329 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25332 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25334 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25335 Than cry with the saints,
25336 The sinners are much more fun!
25337 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25339 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25341 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25342 solitary confinement.
25344 Identify your visitor.
25347 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25348 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25349 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25352 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25353 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25354 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25357 Leisure gone to seed.
25359 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25361 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25362 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25363 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25364 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25365 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25367 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25370 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25371 at about 30 miles/second.
25372 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25374 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25377 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
25378 is a camel's behind.
25379 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25381 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25383 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25384 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25386 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25387 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25390 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25393 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25394 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25397 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25398 really a guru at all?
25399 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25401 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
25402 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
25403 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25405 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25406 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25407 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25408 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25410 If a listener nods his head when you're
25411 explaining your program, wake him up.
25413 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25414 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25416 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25419 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25420 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25422 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25423 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25424 -- Albert Schweitzer
25426 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25427 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25428 it might well prolong his life.
25429 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25431 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25432 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25433 -- Thomas Jefferson
25435 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25436 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25437 will lose that, too.
25438 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25440 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25441 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25442 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25443 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25445 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25447 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
25448 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
25449 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
25450 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25453 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25454 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25457 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25458 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25459 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25461 If a system is administered wisely,
25462 its users will be content.
25463 They enjoy hacking their code
25464 and don't waste time implementing
25465 labor-saving shell scripts.
25466 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25467 they aren't interested in other machines.
25468 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25469 but these don't access any hosts.
25470 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25471 but nobody ever uses them.
25472 People enjoy reading their mail,
25473 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
25474 spend weekends working at their terminals,
25475 delight in the doings at the site.
25476 And even though the next system is so close
25477 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
25478 they are content to die of old age
25479 without ever having gone to see it.
25481 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
25482 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
25483 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
25484 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
25485 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
25488 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
25489 -- G. K. Chesterton
25491 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
25494 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
25496 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
25497 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
25498 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
25501 If all be true that I do think,
25502 There be five reasons why one should drink;
25503 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
25504 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
25505 Or any other reason why.
25507 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
25508 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
25510 If all else fails, lower your standards.
25512 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
25514 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
25515 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
25516 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
25518 If all the seas were ink,
25519 And all the reeds were pens,
25520 And all the skies were parchment,
25521 And all the men could write,
25522 These would not suffice
25523 To write down all the red tape
25524 Of this Government.
25526 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
25529 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
25530 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
25533 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
25534 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
25535 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
25536 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
25537 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
25538 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
25539 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
25540 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
25541 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
25543 If an S and an I and an O and a U
25544 With an X at the end spell Su;
25545 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
25546 Pray what is a speller to do?
25547 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
25548 And an HED spell side,
25549 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
25550 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
25551 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
25553 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
25554 car he ever lays down in front of.
25557 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
25558 let him become president of Harvard.
25561 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
25562 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
25563 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
25564 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
25566 If anything can go wrong, it will.
25568 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
25570 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25572 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
25574 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
25576 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25578 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25581 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25582 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
25585 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
25587 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
25589 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
25590 -- Leonard Levinson
25592 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
25594 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
25595 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
25596 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
25597 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
25598 plentiful as blackberries.
25601 If bankers can count, how come they have
25602 eight windows and only four tellers?
25604 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25605 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25606 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25608 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25609 but illegal purposes.
25612 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25614 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25617 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25621 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25623 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25627 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25629 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25631 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25632 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25634 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25636 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25637 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25639 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25641 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25642 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25643 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25645 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25646 around a deal faster.
25647 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
25649 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25651 If everything on the road of life seems to
25652 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25654 If everything seems to be going well,
25655 you have obviously overlooked something.
25657 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25658 -- Bertrand Russell
25660 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25662 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25663 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25664 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25665 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25666 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25667 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25670 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25671 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25673 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25676 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25678 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25680 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25682 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25684 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25686 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25688 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25689 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25691 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25693 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25694 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25696 If God had really intended men to fly,
25697 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25700 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25701 have made them cute and furry.
25704 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25707 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25708 He would have given you bigger hands.
25710 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25711 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25713 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25715 If God is One, what is bad?
25718 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25720 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25723 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25726 If God wanted us to have a President,
25727 He would have sent us a candidate.
25728 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25730 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25731 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25733 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25736 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25737 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25739 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25740 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25741 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25742 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25744 If he should ever change his faith,
25745 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25747 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25748 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25750 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25753 If I could read your mind, love,
25754 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25755 Just like a paperback novel,
25756 The kind the drugstore sells,
25757 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25758 The hero would be me,
25760 You won't read that book again, because
25761 the ending is just too hard to take.
25763 I walk away, like a movie star,
25764 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25766 A movie queen to play the scene
25767 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25768 But for now, love, let's be real
25769 I never thought I could act this way,
25770 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25771 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25772 And I just can't get it back...
25773 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25775 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25776 I would spill it all over the stage.
25777 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25778 Would you think the boy was strange?
25781 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25782 Suicide right on the stage,
25783 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25784 Would it help to ease the pain?
25786 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25788 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25791 If I don't drive around the park,
25792 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25793 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25794 I may get back my looks again.
25795 If I abstain from fun and such,
25796 I'll probably amount to much;
25797 But I shall stay the way I am,
25798 Because I do not give a damn.
25801 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25803 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25804 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25805 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25806 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25807 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25809 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25811 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25812 got to be a better way.
25813 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
25815 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25816 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25817 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25819 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25822 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25823 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25826 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25827 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25829 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25830 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25831 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25832 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25833 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25834 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25835 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25836 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25837 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25838 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25839 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25840 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25841 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25842 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25843 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25844 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25846 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25849 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25850 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25852 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25854 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25855 shoulders of giants.
25858 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25859 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25862 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25866 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25869 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25870 stand on each other's toes.
25873 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25874 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25875 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25878 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25879 shoulders of giants.
25882 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
25883 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25886 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
25890 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
25893 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25896 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25897 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25898 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25900 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25901 -- Johann van Goethe
25903 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25904 just couldn't help myself.
25907 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25908 -- Alan Parsons Project
25910 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25911 I'm an engineer working on something.
25914 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25916 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25917 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25918 Murphy would be there to tell me
25919 The pot's at the other end.
25922 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25924 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25925 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25928 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25929 because I can't swim.
25932 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25933 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25936 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25938 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25941 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25942 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25944 If in doubt, mumble.
25946 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25948 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25950 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25951 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25953 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25954 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25955 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25957 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25959 If it heals good, say it.
25961 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25962 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25965 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25967 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25970 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25973 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25975 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25977 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
25979 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
25980 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
25982 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
25983 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
25984 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
25985 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
25986 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
25989 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
25991 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
25993 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
25995 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
25997 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
25999 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26001 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26002 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26006 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26007 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26008 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26009 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26010 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26011 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26012 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26013 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26015 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26016 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26017 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26019 If Khaan behaves as serfs
26020 Lose entire states and all estates.
26021 If serfs behave as Khaan
26022 He will regret for his head.
26023 In time of friendship and harmony
26024 Befriend as closely
26025 In time of conflict with enemies
26026 Be falcon of advance and attacks
26027 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
26029 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26031 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26033 If life is merely a joke, the question
26034 still remains: for whose amusement?
26036 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26038 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26041 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26042 you've got in the house.
26043 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26045 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26048 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26049 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26051 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26054 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26056 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26057 -- Mary Wilson Little
26059 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26060 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26062 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26063 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26066 If men are not afraid to die,
26067 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26069 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26070 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26071 Who will dare to break the law?
26073 There is always an official executioner.
26074 If you try to take his place,
26075 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26076 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26077 you will only hurt your hand.
26078 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26080 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26082 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26083 be a merrier world.
26084 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26086 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26087 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26088 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26089 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26091 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26092 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26095 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26096 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26097 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26098 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26099 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26100 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26101 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26102 get an unfair advantage.
26103 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26105 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26108 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26110 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26112 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26115 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26116 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26117 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26119 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26121 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26123 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26124 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26126 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26128 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26129 -- George Bernard Shaw
26131 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26132 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26134 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26135 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26138 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26139 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26142 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26143 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26145 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26147 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26148 will take sandwiches.
26151 Eats first, morals after.
26152 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26154 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26155 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26158 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26159 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26161 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26163 If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26164 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26165 an optional preceding '+' ).
26168 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26169 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26172 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26173 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26175 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26177 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26179 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26181 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26184 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26186 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26187 Eating components of soured milk.
26188 On at least one occasion,
26189 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26190 Or at least in her vicinity,
26191 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26192 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26193 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26195 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26196 pool cues, who would win?
26199 3) The television viewing public
26202 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26205 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26206 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26207 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26208 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26211 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26215 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26217 Their romance might have flourished.
26218 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26220 Love could not help but die,
26221 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26223 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26226 If some people didn't tell you,
26227 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26229 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26230 one day, I would have studied harder.
26231 -- Pope John Paul I
26233 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26235 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26236 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26238 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26241 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26242 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26244 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26245 presumably flunk it.
26248 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26249 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26250 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26251 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26253 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26254 this would be a better world.
26255 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26257 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26260 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26261 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26262 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26263 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26264 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26265 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26266 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26267 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26268 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26269 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26270 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26271 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26272 put on a professor.
26273 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26275 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26276 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26277 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26279 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26281 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26284 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26285 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26288 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26290 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26293 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26294 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26296 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26297 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26299 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26300 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26302 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26303 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26305 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26306 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26308 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26310 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26312 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26313 I would have recommended something simpler.
26314 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26315 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26317 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26318 the lives of both have been wasted.
26320 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26321 then this sentence would not be false.
26323 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26324 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26327 If the odds are a million to one against something
26328 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26330 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26333 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26334 what a living the poor could make!
26336 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26338 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26339 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26342 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26344 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26345 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26346 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26347 paper folding, or something.
26350 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26351 -- Chief Dan George
26353 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26354 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26355 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26356 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26357 -- Reverend Chichester
26359 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26361 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26362 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26364 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26365 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26369 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26370 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
26372 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26373 can't afford divorce.
26376 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26379 If there is no wind, row.
26382 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26383 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26386 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26388 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26389 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26390 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26391 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26393 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26394 something out of you.
26397 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26399 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26400 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26401 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26405 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26406 him because they don't like his necktie.
26407 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26409 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26411 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26413 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26416 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26418 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26421 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26424 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26425 doing the thinking.
26426 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26428 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26430 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26432 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26433 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26434 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26436 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26437 -- Ernest Hemingway
26439 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
26440 -- Laurence J. Peter
26442 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26444 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26445 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26447 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26449 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26450 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26452 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26453 all be millionaires.
26454 -- Abigail Van Buren
26456 If we do not change our direction we are
26457 likely to end up where we are headed.
26459 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26462 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26466 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26467 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26468 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26469 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26472 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26473 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26476 If we spoke a different language, we
26477 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26480 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26481 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26484 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26486 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
26489 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
26491 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
26493 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
26495 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
26496 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
26497 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
26498 -- Marguerite Emmons
26500 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
26502 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
26503 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
26504 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
26505 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
26508 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
26509 -- Aristotle Onassis
26511 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
26512 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
26513 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
26516 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
26517 Quit work and play for once!
26519 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
26522 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
26523 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
26525 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
26526 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
26529 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
26532 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
26534 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
26535 good, you will get out of it.
26537 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
26538 your honesty is corrupt.
26540 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
26541 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
26542 -- Abigail Van Buren
26544 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
26545 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
26548 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
26549 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
26551 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
26553 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
26554 by your parents, we will cash your check.
26556 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
26557 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
26560 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
26561 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
26563 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
26565 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
26567 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
26568 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26570 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
26573 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
26574 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
26576 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
26578 If you can read this, you're too close.
26580 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
26582 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
26585 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
26586 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
26587 -- Edwin Schrodinger
26589 If you can't be good, be careful.
26590 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
26592 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
26594 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
26596 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
26598 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
26599 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26601 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
26603 If you catch a man, throw him back.
26604 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
26606 If you continually give you will continually have.
26608 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
26609 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
26611 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
26613 If you didn't have most of your friends,
26614 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
26616 If you didn't have to work so hard,
26617 you'd have more time to be depressed.
26619 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
26622 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
26623 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
26626 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
26628 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26630 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26632 -- Mordecai Richler
26634 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26635 would have happened if you had done it.
26637 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26639 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26641 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26644 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26647 If you don't have the time right now,
26648 will you have redo right time later?
26650 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26651 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26653 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26655 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26657 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26660 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26661 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26663 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26664 Lavoris in the toilet.
26667 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26669 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26670 either of you for the rest of the day.
26672 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26673 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26675 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26676 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
26677 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26678 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
26679 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26680 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26681 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
26682 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26683 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26684 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26685 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26686 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26687 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26688 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26689 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26690 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26691 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26692 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26693 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26696 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26699 If you explain something so clearly that no
26700 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26702 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26704 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26705 the solution may become your next problem.
26707 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26709 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26710 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26711 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26713 If you fool around with something long
26714 enough, it will eventually break.
26716 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26718 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26719 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26720 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26722 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26723 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26724 -- Winston Churchill
26726 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26727 so as not to disturb those around you.
26729 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26730 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26734 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26736 If you had better tools, you could more
26737 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26739 If you had just one moment to live
26740 And they granted you one special wish
26741 Would you ask for something
26742 Like another chance.
26743 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26745 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26746 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26748 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26750 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26753 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26755 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26756 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26757 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26758 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26759 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26760 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26761 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26762 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26763 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26764 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26766 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26768 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26771 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26773 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26776 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26778 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26780 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26781 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26782 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26785 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26786 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26789 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26790 yourself in the posterior.
26791 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26793 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26795 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26799 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26801 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26804 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26807 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26808 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26811 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26812 365 useless things.
26814 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26817 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26819 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26822 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26823 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26825 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26826 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26829 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26830 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26831 -- Garrison Keillor
26833 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26834 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26836 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26837 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26839 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26840 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26841 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26843 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26844 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26846 If you love someone, set them free.
26847 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26849 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26850 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26852 If you make a mistake you right it
26853 immediately to the best of your ability.
26855 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26856 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26857 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26859 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26860 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26862 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26863 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26866 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
26867 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
26869 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26872 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26873 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26875 If you need anything just whistle.
26876 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26877 Just put your lips together and blow.
26878 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26880 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26881 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26883 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26886 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26887 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26890 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26891 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26894 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26895 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26898 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26899 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26900 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
26902 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26904 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26905 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26906 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26909 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26913 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26914 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26915 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26916 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26917 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26918 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26919 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26922 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26924 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26926 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26927 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26928 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26930 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26932 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26933 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26934 -- Swami Prabhupada
26936 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26939 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26941 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26943 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26944 many it's research.
26947 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26948 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26951 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26952 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26953 Or some joker who is slicker,
26954 Will trick you of your liquor,
26955 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26957 If you stick your head in the sand,
26958 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26960 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26962 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26966 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26967 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26970 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26973 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26975 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26976 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26978 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26979 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26981 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26982 try missing a couple of car payments.
26985 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
26986 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
26989 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
26990 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
26993 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
26996 If you think the system is working,
26997 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
26999 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27000 shopping center in the world?
27001 -- Richard M. Nixon
27003 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27004 lack sufficient imagination.
27006 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27007 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27008 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27010 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27011 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27012 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27013 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27014 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27016 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27017 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27018 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27019 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27020 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27023 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27024 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27027 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27028 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27029 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27031 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27032 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27034 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27036 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
27039 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27040 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27042 If you want divine justice, die.
27045 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27046 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27049 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27052 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27053 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
27056 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27058 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27062 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27065 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27067 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27071 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27072 -- Harry Blackstone
27074 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27075 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27076 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27077 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27078 the word "National".
27081 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27082 you say, talk in your sleep.
27084 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27085 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27086 even if they don't know what it means.
27087 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27089 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27091 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27092 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27095 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27096 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27097 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27098 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27101 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27103 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27105 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27106 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27109 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27110 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27111 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27112 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27113 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27114 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27115 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27116 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27117 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27118 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27121 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27123 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27126 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27127 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27129 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27130 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27133 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27135 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27137 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27138 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27139 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27141 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27142 I guess you do have a problem.
27143 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27145 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27147 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27148 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27150 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27152 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27153 longer be fantasies.
27156 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27157 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27160 If you're careful enough, nothing
27161 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27163 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27164 The Olympics are over.
27166 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27167 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27169 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27170 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27172 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27174 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27175 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27177 If you're going to do something tonight
27178 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27181 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27183 If you're happy, you're successful.
27185 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27187 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27188 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27190 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27192 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27193 As well as by traffic and crime,
27194 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27195 Though living on burrowed time.
27196 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27198 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27199 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27200 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27202 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27206 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27207 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27208 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27210 Ignorance is bliss.
27213 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27214 BLISS is ignorance.
27216 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27217 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27218 -- Franklin K. Dane
27220 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27222 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27223 so resolutely pursuing it.
27225 Ignore previous fortune.
27227 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27228 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27229 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27230 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27231 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27234 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27235 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
27236 it. Neither will Iles.
27238 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27241 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27243 I'll burn my books.
27244 -- Christopher Marlowe
27246 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27247 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27248 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27249 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27251 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27253 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27255 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27256 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27257 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27259 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27260 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27261 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27262 And in our bound partition never part.
27263 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27265 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27266 I play just what I feel.
27267 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27268 And die behind the wheel.
27269 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27270 I want a name when I lose.
27271 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27272 Call me Deacon Blues.
27273 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27275 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27278 I'll never get off this planet.
27281 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27283 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27284 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27285 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27287 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27288 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27290 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27294 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27297 Illegitimi non carborundum
27298 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27300 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27301 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27303 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27305 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27308 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27309 that I could have evolved from man.
27311 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27312 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27313 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27314 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27315 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27316 Ellen up a steep incline.
27317 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27318 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta
27319 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27320 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27321 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
27322 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27323 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2
27324 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27325 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27326 that Kirk talked strangely.
27327 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27328 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27329 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27330 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27331 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27332 physical exam to answer the alert.
27334 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27335 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27337 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27339 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27340 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27341 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27343 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27344 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27346 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27347 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27350 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27351 will be more productive than its cost.
27352 -- David Rockefeller
27355 But it's not what I really want to do.
27356 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27357 I know what you're going to say --
27358 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27359 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27360 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27362 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27365 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27366 that I could have been created by man.
27368 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27369 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27370 I'll tell some power broker
27371 What they did for Iacocca
27372 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27373 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27374 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27375 When they hand a million grand out,
27376 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27377 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27380 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27382 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27383 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27384 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27385 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27386 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27387 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27388 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27389 "You snake," she rattled.
27390 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27391 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27392 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27393 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27394 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27395 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27396 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27397 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27399 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27402 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27405 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27407 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27408 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27410 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27411 I'm glad that I am free,
27412 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27413 And McGovern were a tree.
27415 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27416 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27419 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27420 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27421 > And in LA it's 72.
27423 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27424 is a million percent.
27425 > And in LA it's 72.
27427 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27428 > And in LA there are 72.
27430 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27433 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27436 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27439 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27442 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27443 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27446 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27448 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27449 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27451 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27452 I've missed your special date.
27453 Please say that you're not mad at me
27454 My tax return is late.
27455 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27457 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27461 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27462 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27463 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27464 She's traversed me seven times before.
27465 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27466 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27467 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27468 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27469 N-ary the tree I am.
27470 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27472 I'm not a lovable man.
27475 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
27476 with twenty-eight years ago.
27479 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
27483 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
27484 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
27486 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
27488 I'm not offering myself as an example;
27489 every life evolves by its own laws.
27491 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
27495 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
27497 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
27498 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
27500 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
27502 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
27506 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
27507 that some thinkle peep I am.
27508 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
27510 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
27511 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
27512 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
27513 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
27514 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
27515 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
27516 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
27517 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
27520 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
27521 totally unprepared for everyday life.
27523 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
27524 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
27527 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
27528 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
27530 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
27531 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
27532 -- English Professor, Providence College
27534 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
27536 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
27538 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
27539 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
27540 you being a dumbass.
27541 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
27543 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
27545 I'm sorry I missed.
27548 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
27550 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
27552 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
27553 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
27555 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
27556 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
27557 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
27558 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
27559 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
27561 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
27562 like pigeons and Catholics.
27565 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
27568 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
27571 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
27572 -- Jules de Gaultier
27574 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
27575 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
27576 thinks of complaining.
27577 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
27579 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
27580 It would mean political ruin.
27583 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
27584 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
27585 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
27586 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
27587 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
27589 "Is it PC compatible?"
27591 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
27592 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
27594 Imagine what we can imagine!
27595 -- Arthur Rubinstein
27597 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
27600 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
27601 In order for something to become clean, something else must
27602 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
27605 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
27608 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
27610 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
27612 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
27615 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
27616 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
27618 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27621 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27622 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27623 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27624 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27627 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27628 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27629 conflicting opinions.
27630 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27632 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27633 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27634 Boss is reading it.
27637 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27638 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
27639 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27640 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27642 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27645 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27648 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27649 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27651 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27654 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27655 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27656 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27657 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27658 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27660 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27661 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27663 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27664 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27665 more to its liking.
27667 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27668 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27671 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27673 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27674 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27676 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27677 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27679 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27680 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27681 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27682 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27684 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27685 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27689 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27690 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27692 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27693 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27695 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27696 other really likes.
27697 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27699 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27700 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27701 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27702 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27703 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27705 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27706 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27707 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27709 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27710 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27713 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27714 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27715 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27716 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27717 superior to Tops10.
27719 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27720 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27722 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27723 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27724 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27726 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27727 of the risks he takes.
27730 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27731 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27732 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27733 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27734 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27735 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27737 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27738 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27742 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27744 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27746 -- The Peter Principle
27748 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27749 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27752 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27753 are to be treated as variables.
27755 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27756 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27758 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27759 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27762 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27765 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27766 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27768 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27769 the cows are known sluts.
27772 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27773 made the World Series just something that came later.
27774 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27776 In buying horses and taking a wife
27777 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27779 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27780 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27781 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27782 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27783 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27785 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27786 it into television shows.
27787 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27789 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27791 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27792 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27794 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27795 -- The Kidner Report
27797 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27799 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27800 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27802 In charity there is no excess.
27805 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27806 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27807 be free of subjugation.
27808 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27810 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27811 This is called Monotony.
27813 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27814 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27815 to get her attention.
27817 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27819 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27820 in any motor vehicle.
27822 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27823 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27825 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27828 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27830 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27831 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27832 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27833 In speech, be true.
27834 In work, be competent.
27835 In action, be careful of your timing.
27838 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27839 programming languages.
27841 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27842 -- Thomas Jefferson
27844 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27845 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27847 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27848 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27849 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27850 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27853 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27855 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27856 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27857 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27858 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27859 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27861 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27862 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27864 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27865 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27866 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27867 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27868 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27869 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27870 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27872 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27874 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27875 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27878 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27879 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27881 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27882 In all the others all she loves is love.
27883 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27885 In high school in Brooklyn
27886 I was the baseball manager,
27887 proud as I could be
27888 I chased baseballs,
27889 gathered thrown bats
27890 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27891 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27892 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27893 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27894 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27895 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27896 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27897 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27898 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27899 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27900 I still recall that jacket
27901 and the memory goes on hurting.
27902 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27904 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27905 afterwards that causes the problems.
27908 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27911 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27912 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27913 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27916 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27917 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27918 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27919 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27921 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27923 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27924 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27925 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27927 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27928 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27931 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27934 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27937 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27940 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27941 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27942 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27944 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27945 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27947 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27948 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27949 have obtained from books of travel.
27952 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27953 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27954 -- Thomas Jefferson
27956 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27959 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27960 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27962 In most instances, all an argument
27963 proves is that two people are present.
27965 In my end is my beginning.
27966 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27968 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27969 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27970 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27972 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27973 becoming pure energy.
27974 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
27976 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
27977 punishments, there are consequences.
27980 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
27981 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
27982 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
27984 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
27985 a practice which is still continued.
27988 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
27990 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
27991 you're what's left.
27993 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
27995 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
27996 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
27998 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28000 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28002 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28003 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28004 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28006 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28007 Court decision and violent revolution.
28008 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28010 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28012 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28013 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28014 -- John Diefenbaker
28016 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28017 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28019 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28020 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28023 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28024 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28027 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28028 want the other person.
28029 -- Margaret Anderson
28031 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28033 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28035 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28036 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28037 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28038 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28039 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28040 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28042 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28043 merger be that far off?
28044 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28046 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28047 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28048 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28049 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28050 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28052 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28055 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28056 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28057 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28058 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28059 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28060 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28061 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28063 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28064 is over six feet in length.
28066 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28067 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28069 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
28071 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28073 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28076 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28079 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28082 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28083 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28084 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28086 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28087 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28088 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28089 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28090 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28092 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28093 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28094 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28096 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28098 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28099 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28101 In the beginning was the word.
28102 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28104 For with it came syntax ...
28107 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28108 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28109 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28110 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28111 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28112 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28113 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28114 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28115 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28117 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28118 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28119 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28122 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28123 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28125 In the days of old,
28126 When Knights were bold,
28127 And women were too cautious;
28128 Oh, those gallant days,
28129 When women were women,
28130 And men were really obnoxious.
28132 In the dimestores and bus stations
28133 People talk of situations
28134 Read books repeat quotations
28135 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28138 In the early morning queue,
28139 With a listing in my hand.
28140 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28141 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28142 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28143 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28144 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28145 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28146 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28147 I've moved up one at last.
28148 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28149 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28151 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28154 In the first place, God made idiots;
28155 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28158 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28159 the proper order then why can't he?
28161 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28164 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28165 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28167 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28170 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28171 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28174 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28175 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28176 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28178 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28181 In the long run we are all dead.
28182 -- John Maynard Keynes
28184 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28185 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28186 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28188 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28189 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28191 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28192 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28193 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28194 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28195 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28196 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28199 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28201 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28203 In the next world, you're on your own.
28205 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28206 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28207 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28209 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28210 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28212 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28213 the sound of those drums."
28214 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28215 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28217 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28218 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28219 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28220 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28221 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28222 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28223 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28225 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28226 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28227 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28228 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28229 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28232 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28233 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28234 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28235 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28236 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28237 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28238 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28241 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28242 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28243 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28245 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28247 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28248 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28251 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28253 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28254 In practice, there is.
28256 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28261 Your head grows bald
28265 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28266 -- Benjamin Franklin
28268 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28269 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28272 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28273 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28275 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28276 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28279 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28281 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28283 -- Winston Churchill
28285 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28286 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28289 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28290 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28292 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28293 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28294 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28295 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28296 Down to a sunless C.
28298 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28301 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28304 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28305 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28307 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28309 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28312 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28313 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28315 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28316 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28317 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28318 Through caverns measureless to man
28319 Down to a sunless sea.
28320 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28321 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28322 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28323 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28324 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28325 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28326 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28328 In youth, it was a way I had
28329 To do my best to please,
28330 And change, with every passing lad,
28331 To suit his theories.
28333 But now I know the things I know,
28334 And do the things I do;
28335 And if you do not like me so,
28336 To hell, my love, with you!
28337 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28340 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28341 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28342 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28343 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28348 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28349 Have mate's phone bugged.
28352 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28353 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28355 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28357 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28358 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28359 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28363 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28364 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28366 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28367 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28368 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28371 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28373 Individualists unite!
28375 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28376 advance; insufferable in victory.
28377 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28380 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28381 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28385 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28386 in Constantinople, one who does.
28387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28389 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28391 Information Center, n.:
28392 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28393 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28395 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28397 Information Processing:
28398 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28399 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28401 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28403 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28404 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28405 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28406 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28407 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28409 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28410 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28411 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28415 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28417 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28418 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28421 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28422 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28425 On a Bucharest elevator:
28427 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28428 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28432 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28434 Various signs in Poland:
28436 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28438 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28440 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28442 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28444 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28445 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28448 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28451 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28452 and then complains of indigestion.
28454 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28455 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28458 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28459 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
28460 promote intellectual crime.
28461 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28463 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
28465 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
28470 Innovation is hard to schedule.
28476 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
28477 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
28480 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
28482 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
28483 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
28486 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
28489 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
28490 the person who told it to you.
28492 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
28494 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
28496 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
28499 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
28501 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
28502 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
28503 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
28504 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
28505 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28507 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
28510 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
28511 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
28512 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
28513 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
28514 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
28517 Integrity has no need for rules.
28519 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
28522 Intellect annuls Fate.
28523 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
28524 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28526 Interchangeable parts won't.
28529 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
28530 burned out employees must feign.
28532 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
28533 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
28534 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
28535 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
28538 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
28539 best at, that's what I say.
28543 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
28544 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
28545 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
28546 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28548 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
28551 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
28553 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
28558 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
28560 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
28562 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
28564 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
28565 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
28569 It's off to disk I go,
28570 A bit or byte to read or write,
28573 IOT trap -- core dumped
28575 IOT trap -- mos dumped
28577 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
28580 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
28581 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
28582 little paper envelopes.
28584 Iron Law of Distribution:
28585 Them that has, gets.
28588 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
28589 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
28591 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
28592 -- Douglas Hofstadter
28594 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
28596 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
28598 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
28600 Is death legally binding?
28602 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
28603 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
28606 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
28609 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28611 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28612 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28613 and such as are out wish to get in?
28616 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28617 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28619 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28622 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28624 Is there life before breakfast?
28626 Is this really happening?
28628 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28630 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28631 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28633 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28634 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28635 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
28637 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28638 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28639 -- Kelvin Throop III
28641 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28642 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28643 would make them better prospects?
28645 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28649 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28650 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28653 A solution in search of a problem!
28655 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28656 The Course of Progress:
28657 Most things get steadily worse.
28658 The Path of Progress:
28659 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28661 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28662 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28663 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28664 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28665 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28666 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28667 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28668 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28669 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28670 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28671 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28673 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28674 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28677 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28678 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28679 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28680 And empty holes it fills.
28681 It comes first and follows after,
28682 Ends life, kills laughter.
28684 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28685 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28686 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28687 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28688 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28689 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28690 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28691 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28692 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28693 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28695 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28696 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28697 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28698 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28699 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28700 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28702 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28703 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28705 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28706 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28707 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28708 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28709 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28710 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28712 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28714 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28716 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28717 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28719 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28720 done and what you're going to do.
28722 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28724 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28725 next morning it was someone else.
28728 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28729 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28730 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28731 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28732 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28734 It gets late early out there.
28737 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28738 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28740 It hangs down from the chandelier
28741 Nobody knows quite what it does
28742 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28743 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28745 It grows a couple of feet each day
28746 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28747 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28748 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28749 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28751 It happened long ago
28752 In the new magic land
28753 The Indians and the buffalo
28754 Existed hand in hand
28755 The Indians needed food
28756 They need skins for a roof
28757 The only took what they needed
28758 And the buffalo ran loose
28759 But then came the white man
28760 With his thick and empty head
28761 He couldn't see past his billfold
28762 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28763 It was sad, oh so sad.
28764 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28766 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28767 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28768 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28769 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28770 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28771 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28773 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28774 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28775 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28778 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28779 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28780 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28781 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28783 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28784 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28786 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28788 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28789 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28790 -- Bertrand Russell
28792 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28793 and getting people under the influence.
28796 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28798 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28799 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28800 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28801 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28802 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28803 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28804 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28805 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28806 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28807 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28808 competence will be quite enough.
28809 -- The Underground Grammarian
28811 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28812 little things are infinitely the most important.
28813 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28815 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28816 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28817 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28818 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28820 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28821 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28824 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28825 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28826 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28830 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28831 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28832 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28834 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28835 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28838 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28840 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28843 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28844 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28847 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28848 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28849 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28850 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28851 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28852 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28853 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28854 three more than the schedule allowed.
28855 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28856 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28857 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28858 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28859 their thumbs for ten months.
28860 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28861 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28862 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28863 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28864 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28865 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28866 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
28868 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28869 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28871 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28872 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28873 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28876 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28879 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28880 but you should let go of it now and then.
28883 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28884 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28885 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28887 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28889 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28890 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28891 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28894 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28895 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28896 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28897 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28898 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28899 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28900 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28902 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28903 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28904 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28906 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
28908 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28909 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28911 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28912 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28914 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28917 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28921 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28922 One in a million, perhaps.
28924 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28926 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28928 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28930 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28932 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28934 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28936 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28938 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28940 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28942 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28945 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28947 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28949 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28950 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28952 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28954 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28955 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28958 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28959 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28960 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28962 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28963 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
28966 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
28967 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
28968 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28970 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
28974 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
28975 depends upon his not understanding it.
28978 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
28980 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
28981 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
28982 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
28985 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
28987 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
28989 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
28991 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
28992 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
28993 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
28994 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
28995 attention, the harder the task.
28996 -- Sydney J. Harris
28998 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29000 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29003 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29005 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29006 -- George Santayana
29008 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29009 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29011 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29013 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29015 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29018 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29019 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29020 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29022 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29023 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29024 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29025 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29027 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29028 referring to scheduling.]
29030 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29031 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29034 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29035 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29036 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29038 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29040 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29042 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29046 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29049 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29051 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29052 innovative maneuvers.
29054 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29055 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29056 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29058 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29059 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29061 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29062 love does not lie in the ear.
29065 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29066 Boulevard at one time.
29068 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29070 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29071 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29072 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29073 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29074 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29076 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29078 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29079 against the attack of those who want to die.
29081 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29082 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29083 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29085 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29089 It is impossible to make anything
29090 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29092 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29093 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29097 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29099 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29100 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29103 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29104 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29105 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29107 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29108 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29109 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29110 like a happy married life.
29113 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29114 offense consists in doubting it.
29115 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29117 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29118 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29120 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29121 when you know nothing about the problem.
29123 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29125 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29126 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29127 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29128 -- George Bernard Shaw
29130 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29133 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29135 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29136 that makes life blessed.
29139 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29140 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29141 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29143 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29145 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29147 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29148 The main thing is to use it well.
29151 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29152 we should also have the management of them.
29153 -- La Rochefoucauld
29155 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29158 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29159 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29160 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29162 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29163 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29166 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29167 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29168 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29169 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29170 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29171 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29172 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29174 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29175 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29176 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29178 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29179 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29180 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29181 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29182 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29183 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29184 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29188 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29189 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29190 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29191 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29192 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29193 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29194 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29195 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29196 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29198 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29199 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29201 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29203 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29204 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29208 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29209 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29211 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29214 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29215 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29216 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29219 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29222 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29223 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29226 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29227 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29228 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29230 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29231 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29235 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29236 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29237 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29238 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29239 should be used in its proper place.
29240 -- Christopher Strachey
29242 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29243 -- Maimie Van Doren
29245 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29246 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29247 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29248 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29250 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29251 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29252 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29253 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29255 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29256 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29257 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29258 day like any other day, only shorter.
29259 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29261 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29262 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29263 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29264 too, shall pass away."
29267 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29268 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29271 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29272 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29274 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29275 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29276 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29278 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29279 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29281 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29282 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29283 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29284 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29285 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29286 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29287 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29289 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29290 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29292 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29293 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29294 until the other has gone.
29296 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29299 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29302 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29303 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29306 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29307 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29309 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29312 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29314 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29315 lives, works and has his being.
29318 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
29319 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
29320 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29322 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29324 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29326 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29327 It produces a false impression.
29330 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29331 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29333 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29336 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29337 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29339 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29341 It isn't easy being green.
29344 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29345 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29348 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29352 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29353 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29355 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29356 to Grandmother's condo.
29358 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29359 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29360 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29362 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29364 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29365 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29366 -- Princess Leia Organa
29368 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29369 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29370 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29372 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29373 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
29375 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29376 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29377 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29379 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29383 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29384 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29386 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29387 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29390 It may be that your whole purpose in life
29391 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
29393 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29395 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29396 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29397 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29398 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29399 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29400 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29402 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29403 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29404 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29407 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29409 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29411 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29412 one's life and then come round.
29413 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29415 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29417 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29418 they'll come out for it.
29419 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29425 When it reaches to the tongue
29426 It is like a mosquito
29427 When it relives from tongue
29428 It is like an elephant.
29429 -- Boorchi (first of 9 knights of Chinggis (Genghis) Khan)
29431 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29432 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29434 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29435 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29437 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29439 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29440 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29442 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29443 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29444 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29445 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29446 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29447 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29449 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29452 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29455 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29456 language named "research student".
29458 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29460 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29461 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
29462 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
29463 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
29464 average wife is like that.
29465 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
29467 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
29469 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
29471 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
29472 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
29474 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
29476 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
29478 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
29481 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
29483 It takes less time to do a thing right
29484 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
29485 -- H. W. Longfellow
29487 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
29489 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
29490 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
29491 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
29492 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
29493 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
29494 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
29495 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
29496 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
29498 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
29499 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
29502 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
29503 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
29504 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
29505 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
29506 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
29507 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
29509 It used to be the fun was in
29510 The capture and kill.
29511 In another place and time
29512 I did it all for thrills.
29515 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
29518 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
29520 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
29522 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
29523 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
29524 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
29525 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
29527 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
29528 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
29529 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
29531 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
29534 It was all so different before everything changed.
29536 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
29537 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
29538 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
29540 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
29541 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
29544 It was one time too many
29546 It was all too much for me and you
29547 There was one way to go
29548 Nothing more we could do
29553 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
29555 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
29557 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
29559 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
29560 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
29561 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
29562 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
29563 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
29564 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
29565 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
29569 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
29570 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
29571 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
29572 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
29573 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
29574 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
29575 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
29576 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
29577 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
29578 would let me stay here for the night."
29579 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
29582 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
29583 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
29584 -- Hunter S. Thompson
29586 It was wonderful to find America, but it
29587 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
29590 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
29593 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
29594 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
29596 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
29597 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
29599 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
29600 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
29604 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
29605 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
29606 two things still safe to eat.
29609 It would be nice to be sure of anything
29610 the way some people are of everything.
29612 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
29615 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
29616 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
29617 are often slanted to the left.
29619 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29621 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29624 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29627 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29629 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29631 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29634 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29637 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29639 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29640 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29642 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29644 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29645 when you lose yours.
29648 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29651 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29652 -- Churchy La Femme
29654 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29656 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29659 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29660 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29661 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29662 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29663 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29664 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29665 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29666 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29667 have thought it up, I wonder?
29670 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29672 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29674 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
29677 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29678 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29680 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29682 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29684 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29687 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29688 but why do the rats always have to win?
29690 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29693 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
29696 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29698 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29700 It's clever, but is it art?
29702 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29704 "It's easier said than done."
29706 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29707 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29708 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29711 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29714 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29715 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29717 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29720 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29721 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29723 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29725 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29728 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29729 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29730 the ignorance of the community.
29733 It's faster horses,
29737 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29739 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29740 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29742 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29743 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29747 It's gonna be alright,
29748 It's almost midnight,
29749 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29751 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29752 even if most of them are bad.
29754 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29755 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29757 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29759 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29760 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29763 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29766 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29767 you're getting something off your chest.
29769 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29770 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29772 It's hard to think of you as the end
29773 result of millions of years of evolution.
29775 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29777 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29778 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29780 It's interesting to think that many quite
29781 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29783 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29784 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29785 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29786 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29788 It's just a jump to the left
29789 And then a step to the right.
29790 Put your hands on your hips
29791 And pull your knees in tight.
29792 It's the pelvic thrust
29793 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
29795 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29797 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29799 It's just apartment house rules,
29800 So all you 'partment house fools
29801 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29802 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29803 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29805 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29808 It's later than you think.
29810 It's later than you think, the joint
29811 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29813 It's like deja vu all over again.
29820 and even the teddy bears
29823 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29824 you're going in the wrong direction.
29826 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29829 It's multiple choice time...
29833 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29834 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29837 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29838 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29841 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29843 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29844 a sickness you like.
29847 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29848 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29851 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29853 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29856 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29859 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29860 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29862 It's not easy being green.
29865 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29868 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29871 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29874 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29875 what you're taking for it...
29877 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29879 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29883 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29884 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29887 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29889 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29892 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29895 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29898 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29900 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29902 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29903 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29904 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29905 -- Sydney J. Harris
29907 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29908 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29911 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29912 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29913 elected governor of California.
29915 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29916 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29918 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29919 as a warning to others.
29921 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29922 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29925 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29927 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29929 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29930 society will take full responsibility for you.
29932 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29933 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29934 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29935 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29938 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29940 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29941 have been all over it.
29942 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29944 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29945 just to see if it's real,
29946 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29947 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29948 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29949 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29950 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29952 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29954 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29956 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29957 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29959 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29960 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29961 -- Franklin P. Jones
29963 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29964 boy gets another beer.
29967 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29969 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29970 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29972 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29973 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29974 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
29976 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
29977 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
29979 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
29980 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
29981 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
29982 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
29983 inevitably unsuccessful.
29984 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
29985 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
29986 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
29987 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
29988 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
29989 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
29990 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
29991 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
29992 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
29993 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
29994 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
29995 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
29996 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
29997 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
29998 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30000 I've already told you more than I know.
30002 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30004 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30005 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30007 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30008 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30011 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30016 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30019 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30020 Does anybody know where it goes,
30021 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30023 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30027 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30028 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30029 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30030 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30031 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30032 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30033 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30034 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30036 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30037 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30038 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30039 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30041 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30042 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30043 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30045 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30047 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30048 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30049 -- Dennie van Tassel
30051 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30052 this little hole in the bottom ...
30055 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30057 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30060 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30063 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30066 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30069 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30072 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30073 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30075 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30077 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30080 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30083 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30086 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30090 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30093 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30095 I've only got 12 cards.
30097 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
30098 -- Senator Claghorn
30100 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30101 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30102 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30103 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30104 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30105 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30107 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30108 And from that full meridian of my glory
30109 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30110 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30111 And no man see me more.
30114 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30115 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30116 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30118 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30119 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30120 legislature is in session.
30124 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30125 ones; the meek the girls(the
30126 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30127 all except the cold ones; the slim
30128 ones plump tiny tall)
30133 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30135 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30136 all except ones; the mean
30137 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30139 except the green ones
30142 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30143 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30146 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30147 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30148 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30150 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30151 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30152 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30153 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30154 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30155 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30156 television?" and "Good night".
30157 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30161 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30162 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30163 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30164 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30165 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30167 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30174 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30176 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30177 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30179 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30180 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30183 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30184 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30185 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30187 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30188 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30189 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30191 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30192 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30193 to you. You gonna pay it?
30196 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30197 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30200 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30202 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30205 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30206 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30207 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30208 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30209 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30210 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30211 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30212 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30213 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30215 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30218 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30220 John Dame May Oscar
30221 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30222 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30223 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30226 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30228 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30230 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30231 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30232 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30233 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30234 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30235 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30236 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30237 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30238 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30240 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30241 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30242 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30243 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30245 Johnson's First Law:
30246 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30247 most inconvenient possible time.
30250 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30252 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30253 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30255 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30256 exciting people, and kill them.
30258 Join the march to save individuality!
30260 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30261 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30264 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30265 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30266 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30267 importance of their original contribution.
30270 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30273 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30276 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30277 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30279 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30280 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30281 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30282 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30283 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30284 yourself as wide as the sky.
30286 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30289 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30291 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30292 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30293 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30295 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30296 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30297 someone else's cash.
30298 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30300 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30303 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30304 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30305 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30307 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30308 6: It matches my eyes.
30309 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30310 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30311 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30312 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30313 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30314 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30316 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30317 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30318 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30319 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30320 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30321 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30322 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30323 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30324 She helped me with my suitcase,
30325 She stands before my eyes,
30326 Driving me to the airport
30327 And to the friendly skies.
30328 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30330 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30331 (and nobody cares about it).
30332 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30334 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
30335 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
30336 daydreams about women.
30337 -- George Bernard Shaw
30339 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
30340 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
30341 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
30342 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
30343 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
30344 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
30345 sense of respect for the whole truth.
30346 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30348 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30351 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30353 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30357 Just because the message may never be
30358 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30360 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
30361 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30363 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30365 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30368 Just because your doctor has a name for your
30369 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
30371 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30373 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30374 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
30375 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30377 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30379 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30380 get a prompt, type like hell.
30382 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30383 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30384 about his or her love affairs.
30387 Just machines to make big decisions,
30388 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30389 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30390 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30391 What a beautiful world this will be,
30392 What a glorious time to be free.
30393 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30395 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30396 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30397 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
30399 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30400 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30401 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30403 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30406 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30407 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30409 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30410 As he landed his crew with care;
30411 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30412 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30414 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30415 That alone should encourage the crew.
30416 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30417 What I tell you three times is true.'
30418 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30420 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30421 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30424 Just to have it is enough.
30426 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30427 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30428 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30430 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30432 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30435 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30436 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30437 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30438 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30440 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30441 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30442 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30443 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30444 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30445 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30447 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30448 -- Michael J. Wagner
30450 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30454 A decision in your favor.
30456 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30457 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30458 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30459 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30460 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30463 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30464 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30466 Kamikazes do it once.
30469 Where the men are men and so are the women!
30471 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
30474 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
30476 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
30477 package of snack food.
30479 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
30481 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
30484 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
30485 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
30487 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
30490 Men and nations will act rationally when
30491 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
30493 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
30494 exhausted all other alternatives.
30497 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
30498 Population density is inversely proportional
30499 to the square of the distance from the keg.
30502 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
30503 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
30505 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
30508 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
30510 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
30511 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
30512 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
30513 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
30514 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
30515 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
30517 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
30518 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
30520 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
30522 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
30524 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
30525 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
30526 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
30527 force is technically termed "car suck").
30528 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
30530 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
30531 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
30532 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
30533 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
30534 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
30535 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
30536 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
30537 in the head and knock you silly.
30539 Keep it short for pithy sake.
30541 Keep on keepin' on.
30543 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
30544 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
30547 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
30550 Keep the phase, baby.
30552 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
30554 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
30555 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
30556 at the end of six months.
30559 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
30561 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
30562 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
30563 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
30564 Your Feet on the Ground,
30565 Your Head on your Shoulders.
30566 Now... try to get something DONE!
30568 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
30569 -- Benjamin Franklin
30571 Keep your laws off my body!
30573 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
30574 Open it and you remove all doubt.
30576 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
30577 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
30578 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
30579 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
30580 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
30583 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
30584 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
30585 you've got to go broke.
30588 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
30591 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
30592 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
30593 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
30596 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
30597 traditions of sorcery and black art.
30599 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
30600 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
30601 and parking for the faculty.
30603 Kettering's Observation:
30604 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
30606 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
30608 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
30609 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
30610 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
30611 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
30612 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
30613 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
30614 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
30616 Kill a commy for your mommy.
30618 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
30620 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
30625 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
30630 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30634 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30635 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30638 An affliction of the blood
30640 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30643 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30646 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30647 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30648 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30651 Kinkler's First Law:
30652 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30654 Kinkler's Second Law:
30655 All the easy problems have been solved.
30657 Kirk to Enterprise...
30659 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30661 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30662 any of its streets.
30664 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30666 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30667 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30669 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30671 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30673 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30675 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30677 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30680 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30681 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30682 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30684 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30685 Butter up a friend.
30687 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30688 -- Winston Churchill
30690 Klatu barada nikto.
30692 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30694 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30700 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30701 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30703 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30704 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30707 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30709 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30712 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30713 causes of statistics.
30715 Knights are hardly worth it.
30716 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30722 Sam and Janet Evening...
30724 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30727 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30728 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30729 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30730 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30731 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30733 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30734 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30735 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30736 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30737 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30738 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30739 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30740 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30741 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30742 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30744 Knocked, you weren't in.
30747 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30755 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30757 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30761 Things you believe.
30763 Knowledge is power.
30766 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30767 -- Aleister Crowley
30769 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30771 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30772 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30773 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30774 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30775 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30778 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30780 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30781 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30782 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30785 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30786 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30787 From mud slides to brush fires.
30790 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30791 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30793 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30795 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30796 -- George Bernard Shaw
30801 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30803 Lactomangulation, n.:
30804 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30805 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30806 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30808 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30810 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30811 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30812 I come before you to stand behind you
30813 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30814 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30815 There will be a convention held in the
30816 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30817 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30818 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30819 It was a summer's day in winter,
30820 And the snow was raining fast,
30821 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30822 Stood sitting in the grass.
30823 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30824 Two dead men got up to fight.
30825 Three blind men to see fair play,
30826 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30827 Back to back, they faced each other,
30828 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30829 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30830 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30832 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30833 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30834 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30835 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30836 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30838 -- Billie Jean King
30840 Lady, lady, should you meet
30841 One whose ways are all discreet,
30842 One who murmurs that his wife
30843 Is the lodestar of his life,
30844 One who keeps assuring you
30845 That he never was untrue,
30846 Never loved another one...
30847 Lady, lady, better run!
30848 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30850 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30851 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30854 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30856 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30858 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30859 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30860 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30862 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30863 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30864 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30865 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30866 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30867 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30868 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30869 you would pin this on your white meat."
30872 Look to your stern!
30873 Your house is on fire,
30874 Your children will burn!
30875 So jump ye and sing, for
30876 The very first time
30877 The four lines above
30878 Have been put into rhyme.
30881 Laetrile is the pits.
30883 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30884 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30886 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30888 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30890 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30891 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30892 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30893 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30894 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30896 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30899 (1) Everything depends.
30900 (2) Nothing is always.
30901 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30903 Language is a virus from another planet.
30904 -- William Burroughs
30906 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30907 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30908 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30912 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30913 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30914 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30915 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30916 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30918 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30919 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30922 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30923 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30924 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30925 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30926 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30927 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30928 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30929 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30930 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30933 All laws are basically false.
30938 Last guys don't finish nice.
30939 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30941 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30942 the pillow was gone.
30945 Last night I met upon the stair
30946 A little man who wasn't there.
30947 He wasn't there again today.
30948 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30950 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30951 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30954 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30955 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30957 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30959 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30960 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30961 I don't remember what it was.
30964 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30966 Latin is a language,
30968 First it killed the Romans,
30969 And now it's killing me.
30971 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30973 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
30975 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
30977 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
30979 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
30981 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
30983 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
30987 No child throws up in the bathroom.
30989 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
30990 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
30992 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
30993 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
30994 -- Richard M. Nixon
30996 Law of Communications:
30997 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
30998 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
30999 area of misunderstanding.
31002 Experiments should be reproducible.
31003 They should all fail the same way.
31005 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31006 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31008 Law of Selective Gravity:
31009 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31011 Jenning's Corollary:
31012 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31013 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31016 He who hesitates is lunch.
31019 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31021 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31022 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31024 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31026 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31028 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31029 -- Otto von Bismarck
31031 Laws of Computer Programming:
31032 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31033 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31034 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31035 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31036 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31037 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31038 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31039 the programmer who must maintain it.
31041 Laws of Serendipity:
31043 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31045 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31046 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31049 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31053 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31054 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31055 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31057 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31060 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31063 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31066 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31067 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31068 Is to keep the lightning out.
31069 But what these unobservant birds
31070 Have failed to notice is that herds
31071 Of bears may come with buns
31072 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31074 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31075 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31076 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31079 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31081 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31082 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31083 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31084 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31086 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31088 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31090 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31092 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31095 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31096 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31097 quicker you can do it.
31099 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31100 everything else follows in the same way.
31103 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31104 thought without learning is perilous.
31107 Leave no stone unturned.
31111 Mother said there would be days like this,
31112 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31114 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31116 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31119 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31120 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31121 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31122 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31126 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31127 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31129 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31130 Proof (by induction):
31131 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31132 horses in that set are the same color.
31133 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31134 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31135 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31136 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31137 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31138 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31139 horses are the same color.
31140 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31141 Proof (by intimidation):
31142 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31143 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31144 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31145 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31146 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31147 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31148 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31149 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31151 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31153 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31155 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31157 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31158 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31159 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31160 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31162 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31163 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31164 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31165 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31167 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31168 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31169 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31170 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31171 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31174 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31176 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31179 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31181 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31182 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31184 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31185 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31189 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31190 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31191 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31192 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31193 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31194 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31195 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31196 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31197 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31198 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31199 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31200 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31201 If this be error and upon me proved,
31202 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31203 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31205 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31207 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31208 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31210 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31211 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31212 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31213 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31214 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31215 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31216 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31217 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31222 Let my petty body exhausted,
31223 But not my state nature.
31224 Let my whole body exhausted
31225 But not my entire state
31226 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31228 Let no guilty man escape.
31231 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31233 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31234 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31236 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31239 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31240 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
31242 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31245 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31246 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31248 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31249 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31252 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31253 -- Benjamin Franklin
31255 Let us go then you and I
31256 while the night is laid out against the sky
31257 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31259 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31262 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31263 The muttering retreats
31264 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31265 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31266 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31267 Of insidious intent
31268 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31269 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31270 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31274 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31278 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31279 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31282 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31283 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31286 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31288 Let us treat men and women well;
31289 Treat them as if they were real;
31291 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31293 Let your conscience be your guide.
31297 [The state, that's me.]
31300 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31302 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31303 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31304 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
31305 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
31306 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
31307 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
31308 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31310 Let's love each other slowly,
31311 reaching for a plane,
31312 of exquisite pleasure,
31316 Let's not complicate our relationship
31317 by trying to communicate with each other.
31319 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31321 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31324 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
31325 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
31326 Anguish. You would sue:
31328 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31329 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31330 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31333 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31334 cretin like yourself.
31336 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31337 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31338 a large cash settlement anyway.
31341 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31342 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31343 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31344 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31345 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31346 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31347 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31348 It's not his money.
31349 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31351 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31355 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31356 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31357 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31358 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31359 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31360 agricultural industry.
31363 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31367 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31368 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31370 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31372 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31373 The first piece of luggage out of the
31374 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
31376 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31380 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31381 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31383 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31387 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31389 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31390 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31391 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31393 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31394 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31396 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31397 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31399 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31400 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
31401 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
31402 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31404 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31405 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31406 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31407 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31408 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31411 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31412 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31413 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31414 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31418 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31419 discovered to date.
31422 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31424 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31428 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31431 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31434 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31436 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31438 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31439 -- Miss November, 1966
31441 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31444 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31446 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31447 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31449 Life exists for no known purpose.
31451 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31452 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31453 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31454 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31457 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31458 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31459 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31461 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31462 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
31465 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
31466 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
31468 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
31469 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
31470 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
31471 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
31474 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
31476 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
31477 A medley of extemporania;
31478 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
31479 And I am Marie of Roumania.
31480 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
31482 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
31485 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
31487 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
31489 -- Charles Baudelaire
31491 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
31494 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
31495 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
31498 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
31500 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
31502 Life is an exciting business, and most
31503 exciting when it is lived for others.
31505 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
31507 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
31509 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
31511 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
31512 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
31514 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
31516 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
31518 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
31520 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
31523 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
31524 eat it nevertheless.
31527 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
31529 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
31531 Life is like a sewer.
31532 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
31535 Life is like a simile.
31537 Life is like a tin of sardines.
31538 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
31539 -- Beyond the Fringe
31541 Life is like an analogy
31543 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
31544 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
31546 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
31547 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
31550 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
31551 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
31554 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
31555 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
31556 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
31558 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
31559 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
31561 Life is not for everyone.
31563 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
31564 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
31566 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
31569 Life is the living you do,
31570 Death is the living you don't do.
31573 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
31575 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
31577 Life is too important to take seriously.
31580 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
31583 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
31586 Life is wasted on the living.
31587 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
31589 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
31590 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
31592 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
31595 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
31597 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31599 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
31600 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
31602 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
31603 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
31604 -- Dag Hammarskjold
31606 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
31607 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
31608 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
31609 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
31611 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
31612 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
31613 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
31614 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
31615 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
31616 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
31618 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
31621 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
31622 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
31624 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
31627 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
31628 weren't for other people.
31631 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
31634 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
31635 -- George Bernard Shaw
31637 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
31639 Lift every voice and sing
31640 Till earth and heaven ring,
31641 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31642 Let our rejoicing rise
31643 High as the listening skies,
31644 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31646 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31647 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31648 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31649 Let us march on till victory is won.
31650 -- James Weldon Johnson
31652 Lighten up, while you still can,
31653 Don't even try to understand,
31654 Just find a place to make your stand,
31656 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31659 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31660 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31663 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31665 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31666 the difference between one young woman and another.
31667 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31669 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31670 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31671 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31672 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31673 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31674 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31675 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31676 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31678 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31679 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31680 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31682 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31683 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31684 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31685 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31687 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31688 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31689 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31690 worst possible novel.
31692 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31693 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31694 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31695 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31696 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31697 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31698 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31699 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31700 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31701 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31702 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31703 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31704 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31705 You know I can't think straight no more
31706 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31707 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31708 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31710 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31711 weren't so damned great!
31712 -- Armistead Maupin
31714 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31715 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31716 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31717 like the Rolling Stones?
31718 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31719 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31721 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31722 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31723 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31724 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31725 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31729 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31731 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31732 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31733 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31735 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31736 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31739 Like the time I ran away...
31740 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31741 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31743 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31745 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31746 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31747 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31748 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31749 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31750 -- Senior Year Quote
31752 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31753 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31755 Q -- Is there life after death?
31756 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31757 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31758 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31759 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31760 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31761 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31762 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31763 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31764 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31767 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31768 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31769 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31771 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31772 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31774 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31775 Kennedy in November 1960.
31777 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31779 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31782 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31783 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31785 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31786 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31788 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31789 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31791 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
31793 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31795 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31796 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31798 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31799 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31802 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31803 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31804 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31805 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31807 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31808 Maybe we should think only about today.
31810 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31814 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31816 Lions in the street and roaming,
31817 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31818 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31819 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31821 Went down south across the border,
31822 Left the chaos and disorder
31823 Back there, over his shoulder.
31824 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31825 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31826 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31827 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31828 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31831 To call a spade a thpade.
31833 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31834 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31835 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31839 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31841 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31842 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31843 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31844 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31845 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31846 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31847 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31848 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31849 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31850 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31851 a panacea so alleged.
31852 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31853 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31854 facing up to the recession?"
31856 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31857 is the other way round.
31858 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31861 -- Ronald Macdonald
31864 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31865 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31866 Has brush'd away. And the want
31867 Of thought is death,
31869 A fly like thee? Then am I
31870 Or art not thou A happy fly
31871 A man like me? If I live
31876 Till some blind hand
31877 Shall brush my wing.
31878 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31880 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31883 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31884 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31886 Little Known Facts, #23:
31887 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31888 the BMW repair garage?
31890 Little Mary on the ice,
31891 Went out to have a frisk,
31892 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31895 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31896 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31898 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31901 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31903 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31905 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31906 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31907 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31909 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31912 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31913 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31914 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31916 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31917 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31919 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31920 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31922 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31925 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31926 to want things that nobody else wants.
31929 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31930 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31932 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31933 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31936 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31938 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31939 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31940 Don't you envy people who
31941 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31943 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31944 -- Henry David Thoreau
31946 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31947 interest rates, we don't need it."
31950 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31951 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31952 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31953 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31954 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31955 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31956 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31957 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31958 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31959 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31960 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31961 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31962 you and your friends will be, too.
31963 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31964 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31966 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31967 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31968 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31970 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31973 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31975 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
31977 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
31979 Logicians have but ill defined
31980 As rational the human kind.
31981 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
31982 But let them prove it if they can.
31983 -- Oliver Goldsmith
31987 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
31990 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
31991 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
31992 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
31993 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
31994 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
31995 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
31996 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
31997 Bulletin Board System).
31999 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32000 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32001 -- '80 Microcomputing
32003 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32005 Lonely is a man without love.
32006 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32008 Lonely men seek companionship.
32009 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32016 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32018 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32020 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32021 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32022 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32023 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32025 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32027 Long life is in store for you.
32029 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32030 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32031 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32032 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32034 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32036 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32038 Look at it this way:
32039 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32040 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32041 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32043 Look at it this way:
32044 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32045 forget $26,000 of college education.
32046 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32048 Look before you leap.
32054 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32056 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32057 to pay income taxes, too?
32058 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32060 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32061 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32065 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32066 -- Stephen Sondheim
32068 Loose bits sink chips.
32070 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32071 -- Charles D'Hericault
32073 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32074 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32076 Losing your drivers' license is just
32077 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32079 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32080 Answers to electric can opener.
32082 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32084 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32086 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32089 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32090 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32092 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32095 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32096 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32098 Fine little girl she waits for me
32099 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32100 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32101 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32102 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32103 I smell the rose in her hair
32104 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32105 It won't be long, me see my love
32106 I take her in my arms and then
32107 Me tell her I never leave again
32108 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32111 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32114 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32117 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32118 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32121 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32124 When you don't want someone too close--
32125 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32128 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32130 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32132 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32134 Love America - or give it back.
32136 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32138 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32139 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32141 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32144 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32145 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32147 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32148 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32149 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32151 Love is a grave mental disease.
32154 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32157 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32158 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32159 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32161 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32162 Hate is a word that is not.
32163 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32164 Love, I have read, is hot.
32165 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32166 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32167 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32168 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32171 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32172 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32173 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32175 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32176 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32179 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32182 Love is being stupid together.
32185 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32186 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32187 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32189 Love is in the offing.
32190 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32192 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32194 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32195 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32196 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32200 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32201 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32203 Love is never asking why?
32205 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32207 Love is sentimental measles.
32209 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32211 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32212 raises some pretty good questions.
32215 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32218 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32219 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32220 -- Charles Baudelaire
32222 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32225 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32228 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32231 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32233 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32236 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32238 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32239 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32241 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32244 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32245 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32247 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32249 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32250 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32252 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32253 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32255 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32257 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32258 -- Krainian Proverb
32260 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32262 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32265 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32267 Love to eat them mousies,
32268 Mousies I love to eat.
32269 Bite they little heads off,
32270 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32273 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32274 seized this one for the fair form
32275 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32276 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32277 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32278 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32279 Love brought us to one death.
32280 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32282 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
32283 trying to figure out what you're up to.
32285 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32286 -- Benjamin Franklin
32289 If it jams -- force it. If it
32290 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32292 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32294 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32295 There's always one more bug.
32297 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32298 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32299 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32300 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32301 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32302 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32304 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32307 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32311 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32312 lighter -- both of which work.
32314 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32316 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32317 Can't you be serious for once?
32318 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32319 of the more important things in life!
32323 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32324 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32326 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32327 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32329 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32332 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32334 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32336 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32338 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32339 Does not run on any existing machine.
32341 Machine-independent program:
32342 A program that will not run on any machine.
32344 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32345 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32348 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32351 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32355 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32357 Macho does not prove mucho.
32361 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32362 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32364 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
32365 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32369 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32371 Madness takes its toll.
32374 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32375 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32376 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32377 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32378 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32379 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32380 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32381 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32382 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32383 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32384 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32385 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32386 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32387 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32388 entire nodal aggravations.
32389 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32391 Magary's Principle:
32392 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32393 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32394 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32396 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32398 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32400 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32402 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32403 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32404 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32406 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32409 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32411 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32414 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32415 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32416 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32419 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32422 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32423 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32424 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32425 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32426 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32427 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32428 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32429 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32432 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32433 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32434 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32435 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32438 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32439 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32442 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32443 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32444 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32445 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32448 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32450 Maintainer's Motto:
32451 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32453 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32454 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
32455 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
32458 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
32460 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32462 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32464 Secondary Conclusion:
32465 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
32466 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
32468 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
32471 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32473 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32474 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32476 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
32480 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
32482 Make a wish, it might come true.
32484 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
32486 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
32488 Make it right before you make it faster.
32490 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
32491 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
32493 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
32495 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
32497 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
32498 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
32499 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
32500 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
32501 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
32504 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
32507 The reason surgeons wear masks.
32509 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
32512 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
32514 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
32516 Man and wife make one fool.
32518 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
32519 -- Wernher von Braun
32521 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
32522 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
32523 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
32524 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
32525 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
32526 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32528 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
32531 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
32533 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
32536 Man is a military animal,
32537 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
32540 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
32541 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
32544 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
32545 no dog exchanges bones with another.
32548 Man is by nature a political animal.
32551 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
32552 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
32553 -- Wernher von Braun
32555 Man is the measure of all things.
32558 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
32561 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
32562 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
32563 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
32565 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
32566 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
32567 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
32570 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
32571 -- Arthur R. Miller
32574 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
32575 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
32576 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
32577 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
32578 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
32579 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32581 Man proposes, God disposes.
32584 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
32588 Man who arrives at party two hours late
32589 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
32591 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
32593 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
32595 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
32597 Man will never fly.
32598 Space travel is merely a dream.
32599 All aspirin is alike.
32601 Management: How many feet do mice have?
32602 Reply: Mice have four feet.
32604 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
32605 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
32606 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
32607 M: What? Feet with no legs?
32608 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
32609 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
32610 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
32611 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
32612 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
32613 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
32614 is not equipped with a foot.
32615 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
32616 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
32617 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
32618 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
32619 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
32620 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
32621 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
32622 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
32623 ornamental in nature.
32624 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
32625 R: Mice have four feet.
32628 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
32631 A man known for giving great meeting.
32633 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
32634 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
32635 don't think, right?"
32639 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
32642 Easy glum, easy glow.
32644 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32647 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32648 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32649 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32650 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32653 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32654 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32655 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32658 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32661 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32663 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32665 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32666 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32667 -- Sydney J. Harris
32670 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32671 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32672 you need is in the others.
32675 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32678 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32680 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32681 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32682 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32684 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32685 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32686 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32688 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32689 can easily support two or more.
32691 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32692 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32693 -- George D. Prentice
32695 Many are called, few are chosen.
32696 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32698 Many are called, few volunteer.
32700 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32702 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32704 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32705 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32706 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32707 their data processing systems.
32708 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32710 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32711 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32712 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32713 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32714 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32715 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32717 Many hands make light work.
32720 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32722 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32723 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32724 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32725 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32726 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32727 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32728 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32729 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32730 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32731 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32732 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32734 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32735 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32736 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32738 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32739 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32740 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32742 Many pages make a thick book.
32744 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32747 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32748 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32750 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32752 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32754 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32756 Many people feel that if you won't let
32757 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32759 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32760 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32762 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32764 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32765 -- Bertrand Russell
32767 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32769 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32772 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
32773 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32774 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32775 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
32778 Margaret, are you grieving
32779 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32780 Leaves, like the things of man,
32781 You, with your fresh thoughts
32783 Ah! as the heart grows older
32784 It will come to such sights colder
32785 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32786 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32787 And yet you will weep and know why.
32788 Now no matter, child, the name
32789 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32790 It is the blight man was born for,
32791 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32792 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32796 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32797 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32799 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32800 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32802 Rose, any color: Love
32803 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32804 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32805 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32806 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32807 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32808 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32809 Rosemary: Remembrance
32810 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32811 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32812 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32813 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32814 Violet, white: Modesty
32815 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32816 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32818 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32820 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32821 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32822 it in order to protect themselves.
32825 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32826 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32827 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32830 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32831 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32832 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32837 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32838 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32841 Marriage causes dating problems.
32843 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32846 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32848 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32849 not ready for an institution yet.
32852 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32853 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32856 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32858 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32859 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32862 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32863 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32865 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32866 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32868 -- George Jean Nathan
32870 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32872 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32873 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32875 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32878 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
32879 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
32882 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32885 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32886 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32888 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32893 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32896 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32898 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32899 connected by a thin strand.
32901 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32902 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32904 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32905 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32906 territory from invasion by another group."
32908 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32909 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
32911 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32912 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32913 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32915 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32916 -- George Bernard Shaw
32918 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32919 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32921 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32922 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32923 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32924 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32925 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32926 named a drink Fred?"
32928 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32929 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32931 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32932 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32933 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32934 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32935 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32936 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32937 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32938 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32939 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32940 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32941 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32942 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32946 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32948 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32949 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32951 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32954 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32955 you treat everything like a nail.
32957 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32958 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32960 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32962 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32963 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32966 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32967 -- Christopher Hampton
32969 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32972 Mater artium necessitas.
32973 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32975 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
32978 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
32979 Please, don't drink and derive.
32986 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
32990 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
32992 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
32993 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
32994 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32996 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
32997 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
32999 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33002 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33005 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33007 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33008 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33011 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33012 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33015 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33016 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33017 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33018 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33019 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33020 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33021 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33022 -- Bertrand Russell
33024 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33026 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33028 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33029 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33031 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33033 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33034 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33035 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33038 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33042 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33044 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33045 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33047 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33049 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33051 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33053 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33055 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33057 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33059 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33060 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33061 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33063 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33065 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33067 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33069 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33070 a full moon on a dark night,
33071 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33073 May you live in uninteresting times.
33076 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33078 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33080 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33081 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33083 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33084 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33087 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33090 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33091 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33094 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
33096 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33097 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33098 had to seek professional help.
33100 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33101 these days you can certainly charge it.
33104 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33105 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33107 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33109 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33110 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33111 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33113 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33114 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33118 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33119 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33122 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33123 just like everyone else.
33125 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33126 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33127 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33128 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33129 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33130 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33131 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33132 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33133 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33134 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33135 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33136 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33137 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33138 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33139 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33140 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33141 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33142 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33144 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33145 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33146 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33147 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33148 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33149 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33150 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33151 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33152 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33153 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33154 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33155 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33156 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33157 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33160 Measure twice, cut once.
33162 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33165 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33167 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33170 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33171 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33174 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33176 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33177 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33178 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33182 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33183 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33186 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33187 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33190 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33191 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33192 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33193 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33195 I guess some things never leave you.
33196 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
33198 Memory fault -- brain fried
33200 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33202 Memory fault - where am I?
33204 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33206 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33209 Men are superior to women.
33212 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33215 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33216 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33219 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33222 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33223 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33226 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33227 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33230 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33232 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33234 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33235 from religious conviction.
33236 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
33238 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33241 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33242 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33243 -- Winston Churchill
33245 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33246 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33248 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33250 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33251 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33253 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33254 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33255 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33256 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33257 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33258 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33259 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
33261 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33264 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33266 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33268 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33269 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33271 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33272 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33275 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33276 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
33277 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
33278 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33279 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33281 Men who cherish for women the highest
33282 respect are seldom popular with them.
33285 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33286 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33288 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33289 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33290 cork makes when it is popped.
33292 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33293 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33295 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33296 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33297 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33298 can never hope to acquire it.
33300 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
33302 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33303 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33304 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33307 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33308 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33312 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33315 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33318 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33320 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33322 Message will arrive in the mail.
33323 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33326 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33327 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33329 Metermaids eat their young.
33331 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33332 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33333 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33334 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33335 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33336 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33337 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33338 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33339 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33340 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33341 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33342 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33343 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33344 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33345 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33346 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33347 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33348 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33349 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33350 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33351 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33352 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33353 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33354 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33355 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33356 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33357 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33358 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33360 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33366 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33368 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33370 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33371 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33373 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33375 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33377 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
33378 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33381 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33382 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33384 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33387 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33389 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33391 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33394 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33398 Lose a few, lose a few.
33401 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33403 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
33404 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33407 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
33408 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
33409 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
33410 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
33411 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
33412 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
33413 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
33414 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
33415 the gold and the black.
33416 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33418 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
33419 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
33420 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
33421 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
33422 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
33423 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
33425 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33427 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33430 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33434 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33435 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33436 come fall in love with a loon.
33437 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33438 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33439 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33440 where the elite meet sleet.
33441 glove it or leave it.
33442 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33443 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33444 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33446 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33448 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33449 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
33452 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
33454 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
33457 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
33459 Misery no longer loves company.
33460 Nowadays it insists on it.
33464 The kind of fortune that never misses.
33465 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33467 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
33470 A title with which we brand unmarried
33471 women to indicate that they are in the market.
33472 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33474 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
33476 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
33479 The Georgia Tech of the North
33481 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
33482 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
33483 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
33485 Mittsquinter, adj.:
33486 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
33487 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
33488 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33490 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
33491 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
33495 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
33496 With five empty seats.
33499 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
33500 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
33502 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
33504 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
33505 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
33506 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
33507 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
33510 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
33511 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
33512 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
33513 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
33514 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
33515 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
33516 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
33517 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
33518 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
33520 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
33524 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
33525 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
33527 Moderation in all things.
33528 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
33530 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
33533 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
33534 themselves that they have a better idea.
33537 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
33539 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
33540 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
33541 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
33542 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
33543 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
33544 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
33545 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
33546 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
33547 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
33548 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
33549 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
33550 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
33553 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
33555 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
33558 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
33559 not to be aware of it.
33562 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
33563 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
33565 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
33567 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
33568 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
33570 Moebius always does it on the same side.
33572 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
33574 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
33575 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
33576 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
33578 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
33579 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
33580 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
33581 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
33582 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
33583 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
33584 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
33585 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
33586 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
33587 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
33588 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
33589 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
33592 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
33593 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
33594 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
33595 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
33596 the atom in that it is an ion...
33597 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33599 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
33600 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
33601 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
33604 What you give a person when they are going away.
33606 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
33609 When they finally do have to take you to the
33610 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
33612 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
33615 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
33616 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33619 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
33620 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33622 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
33624 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33626 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
33630 but is excellent kindling.
33632 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
33633 Is a keen observer of life,
33634 The word intellectual suggests right away
33635 A man who's untrue to his wife.
33636 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33638 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33639 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33642 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33643 -- Christopher Marlowe
33645 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33648 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33651 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33653 Money is its own reward.
33655 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33657 Money is the root of all wealth.
33659 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33662 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33663 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33665 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33667 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33668 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33670 Money will say more in one moment than
33671 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33673 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33676 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33680 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33683 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33686 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33688 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33689 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33690 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33691 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33694 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33695 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33698 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33699 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33702 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33704 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33707 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33708 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33712 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33715 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33717 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33719 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33720 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33721 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33722 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33723 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33724 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33725 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33726 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33727 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33729 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33730 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33731 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33732 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33734 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33735 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33736 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33737 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33739 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33740 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33741 I just want to win one little lottery."
33742 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33743 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33746 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33748 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33749 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33750 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33752 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33753 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33754 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33757 The state bird of New Jersey.
33759 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33761 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33762 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33763 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33764 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33765 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33766 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33767 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33768 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33769 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33770 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33771 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33774 Most folks they like the daytime,
33775 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33776 They're up in the morning,
33777 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33778 But when the sun goes down,
33779 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33781 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33782 and one of them is always night.
33783 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33784 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33785 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33786 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33788 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33791 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33794 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33795 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33797 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33798 difficulties before we get to them.
33801 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33802 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33803 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33804 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33805 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33806 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33807 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33808 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33809 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33810 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33812 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33814 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33816 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33817 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33818 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33822 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33824 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33828 Most people deserve each other.
33831 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33832 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33834 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33837 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33839 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33840 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33841 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33844 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33846 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33847 a good reason, and the real reason.
33849 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33850 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33853 Most people need some of their problems
33854 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33856 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33858 Most people want either less corruption
33859 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33861 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33862 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33864 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33866 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33868 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33869 can't talk for people who can't read.
33872 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33874 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33880 Mother Earth is not flat!
33882 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33885 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33887 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33890 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
33892 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33893 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33896 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33897 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33898 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33900 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33902 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33904 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33908 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33909 population is growing.
33911 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33912 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33913 shirts but they're going back.
33915 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33916 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33918 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33919 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33920 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33922 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33923 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33926 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33927 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33928 wrong, "Up to a point."
33929 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33930 Yokohama isn't it?"
33931 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33932 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33933 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33934 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33936 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33939 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33940 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33943 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33944 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33945 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33947 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33948 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33949 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33951 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33952 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33953 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33954 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33955 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33957 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33958 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33959 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33960 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33961 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33962 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33963 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33964 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33966 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33968 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33969 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33970 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33971 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33972 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33973 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33974 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33975 as much fun to watch.
33976 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
33979 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
33981 Mummy dust to make me old;
33982 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
33983 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
33984 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
33985 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
33986 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
33987 Now begin thy magic spell!
33988 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
33991 -- Miguel de Cervantes
33993 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
33994 -- Xaviera Hollander
33996 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
33998 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
33999 talk about after dinner.
34000 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34002 Murphy was an optimist.
34004 Murphy's Discovery:
34005 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34006 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34007 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34010 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34012 Murphy's Law of Research:
34013 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34015 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34016 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34019 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34020 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34021 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34024 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34026 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34029 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34031 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34032 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34035 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34036 long it has become a science project.
34037 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34039 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34040 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34042 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34043 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34044 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34045 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34046 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34048 And you know two heads are better than one.
34050 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34051 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34052 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34053 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34054 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34055 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34056 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34057 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34058 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34059 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34060 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34061 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34063 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34065 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34067 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34068 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34070 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34071 The height of its contents to see!
34072 She lit a small match to assist her,
34073 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34075 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34076 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34077 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34078 a bulls-eye on the back.
34080 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34081 said, "So will you."
34082 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34084 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34087 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
34088 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34091 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34092 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34093 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34094 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34095 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34096 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34097 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34098 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34099 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34100 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34102 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34103 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34105 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34106 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34107 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34108 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34109 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34110 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34111 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34112 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34113 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34115 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34116 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34118 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34120 My darling wife was always glum.
34121 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34122 And so made sure that she would stay
34123 In better spirits night and day.
34125 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34126 Unless there are three other people.
34129 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34131 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34132 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34136 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34139 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34140 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34141 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34143 My father taught me three things:
34144 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34145 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34146 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34148 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34149 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34152 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34155 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34156 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34157 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34159 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34160 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34161 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34162 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34163 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34164 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34165 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34166 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34168 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34169 but they were there to meet the boat.
34171 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34172 later I can ask him what he meant.
34175 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34176 but always, always, he was right.
34178 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34179 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34180 back and dig her up.
34182 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34183 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34184 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34185 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34186 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34188 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34190 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34192 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34194 My interest is in the future because I am
34195 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34197 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34200 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34201 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34202 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34203 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34204 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34205 As the fragrance of acacia.
34206 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34207 And I wish he were in Asia.
34208 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34210 My love runs by like a day in June,
34211 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34212 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34213 In the pathway or the morrows.
34214 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34215 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34216 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34217 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34218 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34220 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34221 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34222 -- George Bernard Shaw
34224 My mind can never know my body, although
34225 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34226 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34228 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34231 My mother loved children -- she would
34232 have given anything if I had been one.
34235 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34236 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34237 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34238 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34240 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34244 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34245 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34246 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34247 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34249 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34250 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34251 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34252 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34255 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34257 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34258 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34260 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34261 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34262 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34264 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34266 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34269 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34270 And he cares not what comes after.
34271 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34272 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34273 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34274 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34275 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34276 And I wish I'd never met him.
34277 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34279 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34280 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34281 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34282 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34283 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34284 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34285 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34286 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34287 -- James A. Michener
34289 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34291 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34292 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34293 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34294 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34297 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34300 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34303 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34306 My rackets are run on strictly American
34307 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34310 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34311 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34312 with our frail and feeble mind.
34315 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34316 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34317 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34318 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34319 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34320 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34321 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34322 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34323 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34324 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34325 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34326 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34327 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34328 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34331 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34332 reason to limit myself.
34335 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34336 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34338 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34339 I do not like me anymore,
34340 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34341 I ponder on the narrow house
34342 I shudder at the thought of men
34343 I'm due to fall in love again.
34344 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34346 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34347 -- Christopher Morley
34349 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34352 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34353 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34356 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34358 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34359 -- Booth Tarkington
34362 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
34363 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34364 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34365 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34367 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34368 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34369 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34371 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34373 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34374 "So, how's your daughter?"
34375 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34376 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34377 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34378 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34381 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34383 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34386 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34389 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34392 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34394 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34396 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34397 -- The Mad Palindromist
34399 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34401 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34403 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34405 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34406 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34408 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34410 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
34411 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
34412 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
34415 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
34416 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
34417 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
34418 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
34419 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
34420 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
34421 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
34424 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
34425 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
34428 "Have you ever seen me before?"
34430 "Then how do you know it was me?"
34432 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
34434 "Why?", he was asked.
34435 "Because at night we need the light more."
34437 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
34438 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
34439 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
34440 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
34442 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
34444 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
34445 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
34446 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
34448 Natural laws have no pity.
34450 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
34451 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
34452 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
34453 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
34454 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
34455 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
34456 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
34460 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
34461 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
34462 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
34466 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
34467 -- Clare Booth Luce
34469 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
34471 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
34472 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
34474 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
34475 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
34477 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
34479 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
34481 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
34482 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
34485 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
34486 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
34489 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
34490 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
34491 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
34492 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
34493 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
34494 The solid power of understanding fails;
34495 Where beams of warm imagination play,
34496 The memory's soft figures melt away.
34497 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
34499 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
34502 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
34503 On the Rue des Ecoles
34506 Every evening I would see him
34507 guiding the dog along
34508 the sidewalk, keeping
34509 a firm grip on the leash
34510 so that the dog wouldn't
34511 run into a passerby
34512 Sometimes the dog would stop
34513 and look up at the sky
34515 noticed me watching the dog
34516 and he said, "Oh, yes,
34518 when the moon is out,
34519 he can feel it on his face"
34522 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
34523 want to test a man's character, give him power.
34526 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
34527 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
34530 Necessity has no law.
34533 Necessity hath no law.
34536 Necessity is a mother.
34538 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
34539 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
34540 -- Alfred North Whitehead
34542 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
34543 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
34544 -- William Pitt, 1783
34546 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
34549 Needs are a function of what other people have.
34551 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
34554 Neil Armstrong tripped.
34556 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
34558 Nemo me impune lacessit
34559 [No one provokes me with impunity]
34560 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
34563 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
34564 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
34565 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
34568 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
34572 Melancholia's blue.
34576 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
34577 Psychotics live in them,
34578 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
34580 Neutrinos are into physicists.
34582 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
34585 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
34586 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
34587 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
34589 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
34592 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
34593 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
34596 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
34598 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
34600 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
34602 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
34605 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
34606 Professionals built the Titanic.
34608 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
34610 Never buy from a rich salesman.
34613 Never buy what you do not want
34614 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
34615 -- Thomas Jefferson
34617 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
34619 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
34621 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
34623 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
34625 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
34629 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
34631 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
34632 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
34633 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
34634 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
34636 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
34638 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
34639 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
34640 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34642 Never eat more than you can lift.
34645 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34646 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34648 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34649 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34652 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34655 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34657 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34659 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34661 Never give an inch!
34663 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
34666 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34667 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34669 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34672 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34675 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34677 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34679 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34682 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34685 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34687 Never laugh at live dragons.
34690 Never leave anything to chance;
34691 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34693 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34696 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34697 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34699 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34701 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34702 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34704 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34707 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34709 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34710 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34712 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34714 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34716 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34718 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34719 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34721 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34723 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34725 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34727 Never promise more than you can perform.
34730 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34733 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34735 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34737 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34738 law against it by that time.
34740 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34744 Never reveal your best argument.
34746 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34748 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34750 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34752 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34755 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34757 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34759 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34761 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34762 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34763 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34764 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34767 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34769 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34770 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34771 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34773 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34776 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34778 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34780 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34782 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34785 Never trust an operating system.
34787 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34789 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34791 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34795 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34797 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34798 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34800 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34801 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34803 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34804 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34806 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34808 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34811 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34812 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34814 Never volunteer for anything.
34817 Never worry about theory as long as the
34818 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34819 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34822 Different color from previous model.
34824 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34826 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34828 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34829 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34831 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34832 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34834 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34835 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34838 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34839 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34840 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34842 New systems generate new problems.
34844 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34845 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34846 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34848 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34850 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34851 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34854 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34855 Flyin' in from London to your door
34856 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34857 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34859 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34861 New York's got the ways and means;
34862 Just won't let you be.
34863 -- The Grateful Dead
34866 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34867 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34869 Newman's Discovery:
34870 Your best dreams may not come true;
34871 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34874 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34875 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34880 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34881 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34884 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34888 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34890 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34891 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34893 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34894 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34896 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34899 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34901 Nice guys finish last.
34904 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34907 Nice guys get sick.
34909 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34910 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34912 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34914 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34915 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34916 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34918 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34920 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34921 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34922 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34923 but Americans call him by value.
34925 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34926 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34927 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34928 Three megs for system source;
34930 One disk to rule them all,
34931 One disk to bind them,
34932 One disk to hold the files
34933 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34935 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34936 And tapes without any tracks;
34937 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34938 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34939 Take hold of the tape
34940 And pull off the strip,
34941 And then you'll be sure
34942 Your tape drive will skip.
34944 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34946 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34949 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34950 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34953 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34954 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34955 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34957 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34958 that be and their friends hang out.
34961 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34962 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34963 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34964 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34966 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34969 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
34971 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
34973 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
34974 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
34977 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
34981 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
34982 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
34984 No character, however upright, is a match for
34985 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
34986 -- Alexander Hamilton
34988 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
34989 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
34990 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
34991 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
34993 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
34994 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
34995 effectively under such difficult conditions.
34996 -- Laurence J. Peter
35000 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35001 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35002 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35004 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35005 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35007 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35010 No evil can happen to a good man.
35013 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35016 No extensible language will be universal.
35019 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35020 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35023 No good deed goes unpunished.
35024 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35026 No group of professionals meets except to
35027 conspire against the public at large.
35030 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35031 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35032 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35036 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35037 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35040 No, his mind is not for rent
35041 To any god or government.
35042 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35043 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35046 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35048 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35049 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35050 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35052 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35053 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35055 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35056 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35057 and Telegraph Company.
35058 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35061 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35064 No job too big; no fee too big!
35065 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
35067 No line available at 300 baud.
35069 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35070 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35071 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35072 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35073 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35074 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35075 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35076 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35081 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35082 interest in hair restorers.
35085 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35087 -- Channing Pollock
35089 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35090 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35091 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35092 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35093 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35094 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35095 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35097 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35099 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35101 No man is useless who has a friend,
35102 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35103 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35105 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35108 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35109 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35112 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35113 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35116 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35117 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35118 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35122 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35124 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35126 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35127 signs of improvement.
35128 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35130 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35133 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35135 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35136 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35138 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35140 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35141 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35143 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35144 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35147 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35148 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35151 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35152 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35153 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35154 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35155 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35156 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35157 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35159 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35160 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35162 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35164 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35165 dirty little beast.
35168 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35169 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35171 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35173 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35175 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35177 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35178 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35180 No one knows like a woman how to say
35181 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35184 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35187 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35190 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35193 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35194 one who's giving it.
35197 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35198 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35200 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35201 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35205 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35206 For this isn't really the norm.
35207 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35208 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35210 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35211 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35212 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35213 Cast even more perils before swine.
35215 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35216 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35217 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35218 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35220 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35221 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35222 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35223 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35225 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35226 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35227 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35228 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35231 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35232 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35233 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35234 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35236 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35237 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35238 their wish has been granted.
35239 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35241 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35243 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35246 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35248 "No program is perfect,"
35249 They said with a shrug.
35250 "The customer's happy--
35251 What's one little bug?"
35253 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35254 The others went home. As year followed year.
35255 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35256 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35258 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35259 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35260 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35261 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35263 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35264 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35265 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35266 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35267 -- The Perfect Programmer
35269 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35270 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35271 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
35272 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
35273 indication-applied occurrence.
35276 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35278 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35279 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35282 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35283 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35286 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
35288 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35289 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35291 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35293 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35294 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35297 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35299 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35300 Finished his old Raven,
35301 then he started his Old Crow.
35303 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35306 No spitting on the Bus!
35307 Thank you, The Management.
35309 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35312 No two persons ever read the same book.
35315 No use getting too involved in life --
35316 you're only here for a limited time.
35318 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35321 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
35322 she will or will not be a mother.
35323 -- Margaret H. Sanger
35325 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35326 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
35328 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35329 him than he deserves.
35330 -- Edgar Watson Howe
35332 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35333 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35335 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35337 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35339 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
35340 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
35341 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
35342 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
35343 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
35344 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
35345 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
35346 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
35347 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
35348 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
35349 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
35350 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
35351 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
35352 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
35353 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
35354 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
35355 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
35356 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
35357 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
35358 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
35359 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
35362 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35364 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
35366 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35368 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35370 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35373 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35375 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35377 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35378 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35379 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35380 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35381 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35382 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35385 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35387 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35391 Everybody hates me,
35392 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35393 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35394 Eat their insides out,
35395 And throw way the skins.
35396 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35397 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35398 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35400 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35401 And then it's too late.
35403 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35406 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35407 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35408 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35410 Only Capone kills like that.
35411 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35413 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35414 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35416 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
35417 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
35418 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
35421 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35422 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35424 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35425 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35427 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35428 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35430 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35431 coming in late and lying about it.
35435 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35436 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35440 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35444 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35448 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35450 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35453 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35455 None love the bearer of bad news.
35458 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35459 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35460 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35461 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35462 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35463 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35464 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35465 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35466 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
35468 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
35469 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35470 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35472 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
35475 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
35478 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
35480 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
35482 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
35483 intentions. He had money as well.
35484 -- Margaret Thatcher
35486 Norm: Hey, everybody.
35487 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
35488 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
35490 How are you feeling today, Norm?
35491 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
35492 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
35494 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
35495 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
35497 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
35499 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
35500 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
35501 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
35503 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
35504 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
35506 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
35507 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
35508 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
35510 Coach: How's life, Norm?
35511 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
35512 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
35514 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
35516 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
35517 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
35518 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
35520 Coach: What's up, Normie?
35521 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
35522 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
35524 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
35526 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35528 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
35530 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
35531 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
35532 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
35533 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
35535 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
35536 Norm: Elope with my wife.
35537 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35539 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
35540 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
35541 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
35545 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
35546 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
35547 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35549 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
35550 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
35551 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
35552 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
35554 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
35555 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
35556 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
35558 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
35560 Coach: What's up, Norm?
35561 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
35562 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35564 Sam: What's new, Normie?
35565 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
35566 They're demanding beer.
35567 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
35569 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
35570 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
35571 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
35573 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
35574 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
35576 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
35578 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
35579 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
35580 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
35582 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
35583 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
35584 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
35585 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
35587 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
35589 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
35590 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
35591 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
35593 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
35595 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
35597 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
35599 Not all men who drink are poets.
35600 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
35602 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
35603 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
35605 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
35606 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
35608 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
35609 the capitalist mode of production.
35612 Not every question deserves an answer.
35614 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
35616 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
35617 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
35618 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
35619 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
35620 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
35621 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
35622 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
35623 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
35624 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
35625 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
35627 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
35630 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
35631 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
35632 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
35634 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
35635 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
35637 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
35640 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
35641 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
35642 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
35644 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
35647 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
35648 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
35649 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
35651 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
35652 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35653 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35654 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35655 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35656 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35657 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35658 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35659 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35660 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35661 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35662 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35663 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35664 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35666 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35668 Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35669 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35671 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35673 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35674 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35675 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35676 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35677 not to make any poultry jokes.
35680 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35681 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35683 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35686 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35688 Nothing endures but change.
35690 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35692 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35693 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35696 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35697 -- Winston Churchill
35699 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35700 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35703 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35705 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35707 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35708 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35709 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35711 Nothing is but what is not.
35713 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35715 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35717 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35718 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35720 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35722 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35725 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35728 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35729 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35732 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35734 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35735 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35736 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35738 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35739 -- Michel de Montaigne
35741 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35742 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35744 Nothing lasts forever.
35745 Where do I find nothing?
35747 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35749 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35750 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35753 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35756 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35757 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35759 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35760 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35761 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35762 which can be offered to a personality.
35763 -- Soren Kierkegaard
35765 Nothing recedes like success.
35768 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35769 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35772 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35775 Nothing succeeds like success.
35778 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35779 -- Christopher Lascl
35781 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35784 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35785 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35786 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35787 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35788 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35789 She got from trying to fight
35790 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35792 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35793 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35794 She said it before, she said it to me,
35795 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35796 But the same old four imaginary walls
35797 She'd built for livin' inside
35798 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35800 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35801 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35802 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35803 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35804 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35805 The veil that covered her eyes,
35806 I said oh, you can leave it.
35807 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35809 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35812 Nothing will ever be attempted
35813 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35817 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35818 be summarily put out.
35822 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35824 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35826 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
35827 French for "not enough food".
35829 Continental breakfast, n:
35830 English for "not enough food".
35833 Spanish for "not enough food".
35836 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35839 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35840 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35842 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35844 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35845 not better, just different.
35847 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35849 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35850 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35851 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35853 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35854 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35855 If he should stop before I wake,
35856 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35859 Now I lay me down to sleep
35860 I pray the double lock will keep;
35861 May no brick through the window break,
35862 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35864 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35865 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35866 If I should die before I wake,
35867 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35869 Now I lay me down to study,
35870 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35871 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35872 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35873 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35874 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35875 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35876 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35878 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35881 Now is the time for drinking;
35882 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35883 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35885 Now it's time to say goodbye
35886 To all our company...
35887 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35888 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35891 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35892 Twenty will not come again,
35893 And take from seventy springs a score,
35894 It leaves me only fifty more.
35896 And since to look at things in bloom
35897 Fifty springs are little room,
35898 About the woodlands I will go
35899 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35902 Now that day wearies me,
35904 Will receive more kindly,
35905 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35907 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35908 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35910 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35912 And my soul, unguarded,
35913 Would soar on widespread wings,
35914 To live in night's magical sphere
35915 More profoundly, more variously.
35916 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35918 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35919 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35920 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35921 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35923 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35924 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35925 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35926 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35927 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35928 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35929 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35931 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35933 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35934 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35935 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35936 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35938 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35939 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35940 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35942 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35943 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35946 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35948 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35951 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35952 the next freeway exit.
35954 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35955 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35956 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35957 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35958 We see him and he's all washed up --
35959 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35960 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35961 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35963 Death and Money make their point once more
35964 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35965 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35966 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35967 Have the courage of the here and now
35968 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35969 When you think you got it paid in full
35970 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
35971 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35972 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
35973 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35974 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
35975 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
35977 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
35978 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
35979 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
35980 Times, June 10, 1955.
35982 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
35985 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
35988 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
35989 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
35990 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
35992 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
35995 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
35997 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
35999 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36001 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36003 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36006 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36008 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36009 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36010 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36011 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36014 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36015 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36016 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36017 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36019 O! If I were a fish
36020 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36021 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36024 For fish don't ever mish;
36025 They needn't flush after they pish!
36026 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36027 For all the fish!!!
36030 Where the buffalo roam,
36031 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36032 Where seldom is heard
36033 A discouraging word,
36034 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36036 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36037 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36040 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36041 To use it like a giant.
36042 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36044 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36045 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36047 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36048 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36049 Might we not smash it to bits
36050 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36051 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
36055 Objects are lost only because people
36056 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36059 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36061 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36062 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36063 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36065 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36068 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36071 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36072 To activate its captivation,
36073 Deposit on its termination,
36074 A quantity of particles saline.
36076 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36078 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
36079 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36080 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36081 of the grandstands.
36083 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36086 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36087 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36090 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36091 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36092 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36093 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36094 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36098 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36099 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36101 Odets, where is thy sting?
36102 -- George S. Kaufman
36104 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36106 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36107 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36110 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36111 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36113 -- Thomas L. Martin
36115 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36118 Of all the words of witch's doom
36119 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36120 The man who kills both which and whom
36121 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36124 Of all things man is the measure.
36127 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36130 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36131 if you don't know them too well.
36132 -- Charles Bukowski
36134 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36135 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36138 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36139 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36141 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36143 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36144 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36147 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36148 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36150 Official Project Stages:
36151 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36153 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36155 5. Search for the Guilty
36156 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36157 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36159 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36160 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36162 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36165 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36167 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36169 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36172 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36174 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36175 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36176 And isn't your life extremely flat
36177 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36179 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36180 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36181 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36182 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36184 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36185 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36186 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36187 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36189 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36190 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36191 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36192 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36194 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36195 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36196 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36197 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36199 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36200 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36201 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36202 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36203 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36205 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36207 Oh, give me a home,
36208 Where the buffalo roam,
36209 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36211 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36212 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36213 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36214 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36215 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
36216 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36217 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36218 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36219 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36220 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36221 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36222 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36223 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36224 And living up here is a bore.
36225 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36226 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36228 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36229 Where the space debris always collects,
36230 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36231 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36232 -- to Home on the Range
36234 Oh give me your pity!
36235 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36236 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36237 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36239 We confer and concur,
36240 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36241 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36242 And consider a load of reports.
36244 We compose and propose,
36245 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36246 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36247 There's terribly little gets done.
36249 We resolve and absolve;
36250 But we never dissolve,
36251 Since it's out of the question for us
36252 To bring our committee
36253 To end like this ditty,
36254 Which stops with a period, thus.
36255 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36257 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36258 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36259 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36260 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36261 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36262 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36263 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36264 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36265 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36266 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36267 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36268 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36269 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36270 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36271 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36273 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36274 I muck with indices and structs all day
36275 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36276 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36278 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36279 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36280 Shooting up my veins,
36281 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36282 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36283 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36284 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36285 -- To 'If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz"
36287 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36288 be irresponsible, too.
36291 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36292 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36293 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36294 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36295 You have not dreamed of --
36296 Wheeled and soared and swung
36297 High in the sunlit silence.
36299 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36300 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36301 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36302 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36303 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36304 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36305 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36306 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36307 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
36309 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36310 From a typical American town.
36311 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36312 And keeping old Castro down.
36313 And when it came my time to serve
36314 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36315 But when I got to my old draft board,
36316 Buddy, this is what I said:
36319 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36320 And I always carry a purse!
36321 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36322 And my asthma's getting worse!
36323 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36324 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36325 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36326 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36327 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36329 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36330 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36331 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36332 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36334 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36335 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36336 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36338 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36339 it's what you do with what you have left.
36340 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36342 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36343 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36345 Oh, so there you are!
36347 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36348 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36349 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36350 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36351 -- The Smothers Brothers
36353 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36354 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36356 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36357 To see oursel's as others see us!
36358 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36359 And foolish notion.
36360 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36362 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36363 Born under one law, to another bound.
36364 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36366 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36368 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36371 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36372 Then I was clean and brave,
36373 And miles around the wonder grew
36374 How well did I behave.
36376 And now the fancy passes by,
36377 And nothing will remain,
36378 And miles around they'll say that I
36379 Am quite myself again.
36382 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36384 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
36385 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
36386 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
36387 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
36389 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36390 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36394 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36395 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36396 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36397 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36398 save precious time and electrons.
36401 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36404 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36406 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36407 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36408 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36409 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36411 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36413 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
36416 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36419 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36422 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36424 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36426 Old Japanese proverb:
36427 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36428 and those who climb it twice.
36430 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36432 Old mail has arrived.
36434 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
36435 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
36436 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36438 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36439 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36440 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36441 And so was her daughter, I guess...
36443 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
36445 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
36447 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
36449 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
36451 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
36454 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
36457 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
36459 omnibiblious, adj.:
36460 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
36463 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
36465 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
36468 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
36470 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
36473 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
36474 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
36476 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
36477 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
36480 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
36481 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
36482 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
36484 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
36485 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
36489 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
36490 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
36491 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
36492 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
36493 you come any closer."
36494 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
36496 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
36498 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
36499 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
36500 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
36503 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
36504 proposition that all men are created jerks.
36505 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
36507 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
36508 same moment -- halftime.
36510 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
36512 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
36513 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
36514 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
36515 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
36517 On the subject of C program indentation:
36519 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
36520 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
36521 -- Blair P. Houghton
36523 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
36524 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
36526 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
36527 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
36528 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
36529 ideas that could provoke such a question.
36532 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
36533 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
36534 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
36536 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
36537 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36541 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36543 Once again dread deed is done.
36545 his all-knowing eye shaded
36546 to human chance and circumstance.
36547 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
36548 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
36550 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
36551 Impatient hands wait eagerly
36553 scant moments of time
36554 wrested from life in the full
36555 glory of Canon's power;
36556 held captive by his unblinking eye.
36558 Three golden orbs stand watch;
36559 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
36560 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
36561 When that feared moment arrives,
36562 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
36563 It tolls for thee."
36564 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
36565 Valley Pawn Shop today"
36567 Once Again From the Top
36569 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
36570 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
36571 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
36572 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
36573 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
36574 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
36575 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
36576 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
36577 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
36578 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
36579 The Herald regrets the errors."
36580 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
36582 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
36583 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
36586 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
36587 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
36588 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
36589 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
36590 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
36591 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
36593 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
36594 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
36595 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
36596 principles or your mistress".
36598 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
36601 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
36602 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
36603 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
36604 the railroad yards."
36605 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
36606 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
36607 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
36609 Once I finally figured out all of life's
36610 answers, they changed the questions.
36612 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
36613 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
36614 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
36616 Once is happenstance,
36617 Twice is coincidence,
36618 Three times is enemy action.
36619 -- Auric Goldfinger
36621 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
36622 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
36624 Once Law was sitting on the bench
36625 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
36626 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
36627 Nor come before me creeping.
36628 Upon your knees if you appear,
36629 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
36631 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
36632 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
36633 "Amica curiae," she replied --
36634 "Friend of the court, so please you."
36635 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
36636 I never saw your face before!"
36637 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36639 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
36640 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
36641 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
36642 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
36645 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
36648 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
36649 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
36650 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
36651 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
36652 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36653 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36654 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36655 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36656 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36657 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36658 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36659 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36660 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36661 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36662 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36663 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36664 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36665 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36666 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36667 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36668 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36669 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36671 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36672 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36673 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36674 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36675 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36676 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36677 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36678 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36679 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36681 Once upon a time there...
36683 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36684 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36685 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36686 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36687 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36688 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36689 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36690 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36692 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36695 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
36696 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
36697 the smaller prime numbers.
36699 2: The Odd Prime --
36700 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
36701 3: The True Prime --
36702 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
36703 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
36704 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
36705 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
36706 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
36707 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
36710 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
36711 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
36712 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
36714 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36715 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36716 Over many a broken and subordinate
36717 Volume of gnarly lore,
36718 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36719 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36720 As of someone profusely skulking,
36721 Skulking at my chamber door.
36723 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36725 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36726 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36728 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36729 somebody's listening.
36730 -- Franklin P. Jones
36732 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36734 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36736 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36737 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36738 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36740 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36742 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36744 One Bell System - it works.
36746 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36749 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36752 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36753 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36756 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36757 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36758 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36760 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36762 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36763 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36764 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36766 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36768 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36769 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36771 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36772 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36773 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36774 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36775 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36776 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36777 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36778 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36779 and march back home."
36780 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36781 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36782 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36783 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36784 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36786 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36787 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36788 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36789 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36790 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36791 is death by hanging."
36792 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36793 "I don't believe you."
36794 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36795 "But that would make it the truth!"
36796 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36798 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36799 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36800 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36801 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36802 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36803 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36804 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36805 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36806 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36807 there a number of details to be figured out.
36808 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36809 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36810 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36812 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36813 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36814 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36815 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36816 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36817 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36818 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36819 harmonic motion..."
36823 With nothing to say,
36824 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36825 That started: "One day,
36827 With nothing to say,
36828 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36829 That started: "One day,
36832 Were the words that the poet,
36834 To bring his mad poem,
36835 To some sort of close".
36836 Were the words that the poet,
36838 To bring his mad poem,
36839 To some sort of close".
36841 One difference between a man and a machine
36842 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36844 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36847 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36848 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36849 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36850 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36851 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36852 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36853 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36854 been havin' all these years."
36855 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36856 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36857 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36858 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36859 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36860 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36861 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36862 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36863 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36865 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36868 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36870 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36873 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36874 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36876 -- Henry Brook Adams
36878 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36879 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36881 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36882 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36884 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36886 One good thing about music,
36887 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36888 So hit me with music;
36889 Hit me with music now.
36890 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36892 One good turn asketh another.
36895 One good turn deserves another.
36898 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36900 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36901 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36904 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36907 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36908 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36910 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36913 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36916 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36917 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36919 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36921 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36922 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36923 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36924 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36928 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36931 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36934 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36935 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36937 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36940 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36942 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36943 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36946 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36948 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36949 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36952 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36956 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36958 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36960 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36961 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36962 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36963 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36964 nobody can touch him.
36965 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36967 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36968 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
36972 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
36973 enough to give you presents they make at school.
36976 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
36977 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
36978 -- Joyce Carol Oates
36980 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
36981 do and always a clever thing to say.
36984 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
36985 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
36986 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
36987 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
36988 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
36989 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
36990 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
36991 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
36992 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
36993 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
36994 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
36996 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
36997 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37000 One of the most striking differences between a
37001 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37004 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37005 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
37007 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37009 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37011 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37013 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37014 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37015 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37016 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37017 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37019 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37020 once had a publisher shot.
37021 -- Siegfried Unseld
37023 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37025 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37026 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37027 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37028 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37029 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37030 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37031 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37032 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37033 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37035 One organism, one vote.
37037 One person's error is another person's data.
37039 One picture is worth 128K words.
37041 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37044 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37045 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37046 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37047 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37048 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37049 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37051 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37052 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37053 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37055 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37056 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37057 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37060 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37062 One planet is all you get.
37064 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37065 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37067 One possible reason why things aren't going
37068 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37070 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37071 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37072 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37073 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37074 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37075 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37076 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37077 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37078 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37079 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37080 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37081 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37082 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37083 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37084 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37085 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37086 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37088 One reason why George Washington
37089 Is held in such veneration:
37090 He never blamed his problems
37091 On the former Administration.
37092 -- George O. Ludcke
37094 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37095 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37096 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37097 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37098 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37099 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37100 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37101 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37104 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37106 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37110 Doesn't fit anyone.
37112 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37114 One thing about the past.
37115 It's likely to last.
37118 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37119 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37120 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37121 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37123 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37125 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
37127 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37128 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37130 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37131 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37135 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37137 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37138 One toke over the line,
37139 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37140 One toke over the line.
37141 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37142 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37143 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37144 One toke over the line.
37146 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37149 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37151 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37152 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37155 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37159 One-Shot Case Study, n:
37160 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37161 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37164 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37167 Only a fool has no doubts.
37169 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37172 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37174 Only fools are quoted.
37177 Only God can make random selections.
37179 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37182 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37183 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37185 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37186 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37189 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37190 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37192 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37193 to use the editorial "we".
37195 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37196 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37198 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37201 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37202 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37203 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37204 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37205 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37206 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37207 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37208 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37209 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37210 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37211 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37212 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37214 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37217 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37218 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37221 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37223 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37225 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37226 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37227 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37228 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37229 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37230 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37231 -- Sicilian police officer
37233 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37234 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37236 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37238 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37240 Onward through the fog.
37242 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37244 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37247 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37248 feel like eating for the next six days.
37249 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37251 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37253 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37254 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37256 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
37257 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37258 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37259 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37261 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37262 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37265 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37266 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37267 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37268 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37269 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37270 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37273 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37274 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37277 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37280 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37282 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37283 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37284 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37285 would justify them."
37286 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37287 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37288 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37290 Optimization hinders evolution.
37292 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37295 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37297 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37298 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37302 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37305 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37308 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37309 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37313 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37314 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37317 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37318 to people you could not have possibly met.
37319 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37322 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37324 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37327 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37328 Where most she satisfies.
37329 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37331 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37333 Others will look to you for stability,
37334 so hide when you bite your nails.
37336 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37337 Murphy was an optimist.
37339 Ouch! That felt good!
37342 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37343 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37345 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37346 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37347 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37349 Our business in life is not to succeed
37350 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37351 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37353 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37354 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37355 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37356 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37357 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37358 home-made, hand-held model.
37360 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37361 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37363 a. Don't kill anybody.
37364 b. Don't build things that do.
37365 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37367 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37370 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
37371 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
37373 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37374 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37375 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37376 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
37378 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37382 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37383 means to be a programmer."
37385 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
37386 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
37387 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
37388 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
37389 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
37390 to have been quite real.
37391 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
37393 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37395 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37396 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37398 Our little systems have their day;
37399 They have their day and cease to be;
37400 They are but broken lights of thee.
37403 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37404 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37405 In kernel as it is in user.
37407 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37408 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37409 rain, we were punished.
37410 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37412 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37413 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37415 Our problems are so serious that the best
37416 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37418 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37419 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37420 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37421 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37423 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37424 -- Christopher Marlowe
37426 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37427 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37428 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37429 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37430 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37431 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37432 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37433 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37436 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37439 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37440 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37442 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37443 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37445 Out of sight is out of mind.
37448 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37451 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37453 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37454 it's too dark to read.
37457 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
37458 need of the manager than the programming task.
37460 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
37461 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
37463 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
37464 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
37465 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
37466 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
37467 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
37468 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
37469 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
37471 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
37472 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
37473 Concepts and Philosophies,"
37474 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
37476 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
37477 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
37478 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
37479 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
37481 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
37483 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
37485 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
37488 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
37490 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
37492 Owe no man any thing...
37495 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
37496 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
37497 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
37498 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
37499 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
37500 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
37501 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
37502 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
37503 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
37506 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
37507 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
37508 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
37509 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
37510 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
37512 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
37513 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
37514 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
37517 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
37518 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
37520 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
37523 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
37524 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
37525 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37526 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
37528 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
37529 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
37530 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
37531 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
37532 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
37533 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
37534 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
37536 troopa, n: A state policeman.
37537 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
37538 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
37539 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
37542 Falling out of a twenty story building,
37543 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
37546 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
37549 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
37551 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
37554 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
37555 exposing them to the critic.
37556 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37559 Never open a box you didn't close.
37561 panic: can't find /
37563 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
37565 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
37569 2 dashes == 1smidgen
37570 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
37571 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
37572 2 soupcons == too much paprika
37574 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
37578 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
37580 Paralysis through analysis.
37583 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
37585 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
37587 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
37589 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
37591 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
37592 Now ... just try to find out where!
37594 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
37596 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
37597 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
37600 Pardon me while I laugh.
37602 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
37604 Pardo's First Postulate:
37605 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
37609 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
37611 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
37612 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
37615 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
37617 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
37618 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
37619 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
37621 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
37622 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
37623 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
37625 Parsley is gharsley.
37628 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
37631 A gathering where you meet people who drink
37632 so much you can't even remember their names.
37634 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
37635 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
37637 Pascal is not a high-level language.
37640 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
37641 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
37644 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
37645 in his grave if he knew about it.
37646 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
37649 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
37650 Please modify your programs accordingly.
37653 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
37654 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
37656 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
37661 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
37663 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
37664 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
37665 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
37666 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
37668 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
37669 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
37671 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
37672 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37675 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37677 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37678 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37679 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37680 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37681 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37682 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37683 par for the course, Charlie.
37684 -- Firesign Theatre
37687 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37688 under brain transplants.
37690 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37691 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37694 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37696 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37698 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37701 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37702 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37704 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37705 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37707 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37708 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37710 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37711 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37713 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37714 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37715 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37718 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37719 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37720 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37722 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37725 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37728 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37731 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37734 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37738 You can't fall off the floor.
37740 Pause for storage relocation.
37742 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37743 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37746 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37747 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37748 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37749 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37759 up your ides under brown-
37766 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37768 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37769 can only be achieved by understanding.
37772 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37773 of land... let there be no more wars.
37774 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
37777 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37778 periods of fighting.
37779 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37783 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37784 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37785 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37787 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37789 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37790 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37791 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37792 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37794 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37795 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37796 the week that has a "y" in it.
37799 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37800 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37801 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37804 A car with only one working headlight.
37805 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37807 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37808 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37809 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37810 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37811 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37812 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37813 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37814 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37816 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37817 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37818 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37820 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37826 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37829 "I will never understand people."
37830 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37831 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37832 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37833 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37834 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37835 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37836 -- no offense intended."
37837 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37839 Penguin Trivia #46:
37840 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37841 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37846 A federally insured chain letter.
37848 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37849 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37850 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37851 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37852 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37853 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37854 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37856 People are beginning to notice you.
37857 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37859 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37861 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37863 People don't change; they only become more so.
37865 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37866 times, four time, five times...
37868 People in general do not willingly read
37869 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37872 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37873 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37875 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37876 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37878 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37880 -- Otto von Bismarck
37882 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37883 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37884 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37886 People often find it easier to be a
37887 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37889 People respond to people who respond.
37891 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37895 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37896 have been left out on the pleasure.
37899 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37900 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37901 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37902 the concentration camps.
37904 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37906 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37907 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37910 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37913 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37915 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37916 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37917 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37919 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37920 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37922 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37923 -- Abigail Van Buren
37925 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37927 People who have no faults are terrible;
37928 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37930 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37931 what they want that they don't want it.
37934 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37936 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37938 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37940 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37943 People who think they know everything
37944 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37946 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37947 Franklin said it first.
37949 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37951 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37954 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37956 People's Action Rules:
37957 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37958 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37959 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37960 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37961 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37963 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37966 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37967 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37969 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
37972 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
37975 One who makes his host feel at home.
37977 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
37978 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
37979 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
37982 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
37983 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
37984 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
37986 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
37987 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
37990 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
37991 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
37994 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
37996 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
37997 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
37998 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
37999 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38001 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38005 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38006 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38007 -- Gandalf the Grey
38009 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38010 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38011 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38012 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38013 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38014 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38015 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38016 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38017 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38018 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38019 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38020 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38021 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38022 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38023 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38024 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38025 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38027 -- Fowler's English Usage
38029 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38030 a merit in political leaders.
38031 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38033 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38034 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38035 -- Bernadette Bosky
38037 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38039 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38040 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38041 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38042 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38045 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38046 wolf from the door.
38049 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38053 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38055 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38056 Waiter: Who told you?
38057 Pete: A little swallow.
38059 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38060 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38061 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38062 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38064 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38065 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38066 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38067 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38068 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38070 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38072 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38073 Look after the molehills, and the
38074 mountains will look after themselves.
38076 Peter's Principle of Success:
38077 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38080 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38083 Peterson's Admonition:
38084 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38085 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38088 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38089 are filled with something sticky.
38090 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38091 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38092 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38095 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38096 the window of a vending machine too long.
38097 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38099 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38101 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38102 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38104 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38107 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38110 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38112 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38115 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38118 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38119 that will bring it back to life).
38120 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38122 Photographing a volcano is just about
38123 the most miserable thing you can do.
38124 -- Robert B. Goodman
38125 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38127 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38128 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38129 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38130 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38132 Pick another fortune cookie.
38134 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38135 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38136 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38137 She left me not knowing what to do.
38139 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38140 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38141 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38142 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38144 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38145 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38146 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38147 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38148 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38150 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38151 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38152 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38153 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38154 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38157 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38158 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38160 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38161 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38162 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38164 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38165 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38168 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38174 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38175 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38176 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38177 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38179 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38180 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38183 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38184 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38186 Piping down the valleys wild,
38187 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38188 On a cloud I saw a child,
38189 And he laughing said to me:
38190 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38191 So I piped with merry cheer.
38192 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38193 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38194 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38196 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
38197 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38198 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38199 -- Love and Rockets
38201 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38202 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
38203 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
38204 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
38205 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
38208 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38209 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
38210 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
38211 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
38212 get run over by a bus.
38214 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38215 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38216 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38217 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38220 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38224 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38225 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38226 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38227 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38232 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38234 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38235 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38236 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38237 Don't shade your eyes,
38238 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38239 Only be sure to call it research.
38242 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38243 All the trees are red.
38244 No one ever dies there.
38245 No one has a head....
38247 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38248 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38249 -- Green Lantern Comics
38251 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38252 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38253 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38254 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38257 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
38258 What develops when two people get
38259 tired of making love to each other.
38261 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38264 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38266 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38268 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38269 by asking me to do something for you.
38271 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38272 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38274 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38276 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38277 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38279 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38280 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38284 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38286 Please ignore previous fortune.
38288 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38290 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38292 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38293 us being hysterical at the same time.
38295 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38297 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38298 For we are young and free.
38299 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38300 Our home is girt by sea.
38301 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38302 Of beauty rich and rare.
38303 In history's page, let every stage
38304 Advance Australia Fair.
38305 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38306 Advance Australia Fair.
38308 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38310 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38312 God save our Gracious Queen!
38313 Long live our Noble Queen!
38314 God save the Queen!
38315 Send her victorious,
38316 Happy and glorious,
38317 Long to reign o'er us!
38318 God save the Queen!
38320 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38322 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38325 Our home and native land
38327 In all thy sons' command
38328 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38329 The true north strong and free
38330 From far and wide, O Canada
38331 We stand on guard for thee
38332 God keep our land glorious and free
38333 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38334 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38336 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38338 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38340 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38341 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38342 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38343 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38344 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38345 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38346 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38347 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38349 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38353 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38354 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
38355 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
38358 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38360 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38362 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38364 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38365 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38366 an uncontainable experience.
38371 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38374 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38376 poisoned coffee, n:
38377 Grounds for divorce.
38379 Poland has gun control.
38381 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38383 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38384 Host: About the drugs?
38386 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38387 Police: No, the noise.
38388 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38389 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38390 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38392 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38393 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38394 ask the host to quiet things down?
38395 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
38396 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38397 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38398 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38399 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38402 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38406 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38407 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38408 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38410 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38411 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38414 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38415 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38416 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
38417 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
38419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38422 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38423 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
38424 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38427 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
38428 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
38429 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38431 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38432 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38434 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38435 been, and never will be wrong.
38438 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38439 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38442 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38443 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38447 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38448 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38449 -- Winston Churchill
38451 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
38452 systematic organisation of hatreds.
38453 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
38455 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
38456 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
38458 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
38459 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
38460 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38462 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
38463 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38466 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
38467 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
38468 explain why it didn't happen.
38469 -- Winston Churchill
38471 Politics, like religion, hold up the
38472 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
38473 -- Thomas Jefferson
38475 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
38479 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
38480 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
38481 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38483 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
38484 The hyperactive child is never absent.
38489 Polymer physicists are into chains.
38492 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
38493 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
38496 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
38497 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
38498 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
38499 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
38500 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
38502 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
38503 Half a pound of treacle
38504 That's the way the chimney smokes
38507 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
38508 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
38509 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
38510 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
38511 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
38513 Populus vult decipi.
38514 [The people like to be deceived.]
38516 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
38520 Survives system reboot.
38523 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
38526 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
38527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38529 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
38532 Post proelium, praemium.
38533 [After the battle, the reward.]
38535 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
38537 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38539 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
38540 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
38541 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
38542 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
38543 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
38545 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
38546 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
38547 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
38548 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
38549 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
38550 diets that are driving them crazy.
38552 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
38553 Except with sour cream.
38555 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38557 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
38558 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
38559 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
38560 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
38562 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
38563 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
38564 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
38565 general butter-melting by all.
38567 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
38568 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
38570 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
38573 An unfortunate state that persists as long
38574 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
38576 Poverty begins at home.
38578 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
38582 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
38583 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
38585 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
38586 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
38588 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
38590 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
38595 Power is the finest token of affection.
38597 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
38598 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
38599 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
38602 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
38604 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
38607 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
38609 Practical people would be more practical if
38610 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
38613 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
38616 Practically perfect people never permit
38617 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
38620 Practice is the best of all instructors.
38623 Practice yourself what you preach.
38624 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38627 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
38629 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
38630 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
38632 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
38635 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
38639 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
38640 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
38641 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38643 Predestination was doomed from the start.
38645 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
38649 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
38650 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38652 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
38655 Preserve the old, but know the new.
38657 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
38659 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
38661 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
38662 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
38664 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
38665 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
38666 -- The Washington Post
38668 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
38670 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
38671 It's on the other side.
38674 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
38676 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
38677 the working man, he loves to see him work.
38678 -- Winston Churchill
38680 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38681 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38682 -- Winston Churchill
38684 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38685 For having it off with his Mater;
38686 Revenge Dad or not?
38687 That's the gist of the plot,
38688 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38689 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38691 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38692 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38694 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38697 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38698 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38699 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38700 badly than someone else.
38702 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38705 Prizes are for children.
38707 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38709 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38711 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38712 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38713 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38714 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38715 -- Frederick Winsor
38717 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38718 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38719 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38720 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38724 A man who never buys.
38726 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38727 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38728 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38729 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38730 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38732 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38733 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38736 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38738 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38739 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38740 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38741 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38744 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38745 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38746 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38747 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38750 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38751 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38752 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38754 Programmers do it bit by bit.
38756 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38757 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38758 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38760 Programming Department:
38761 Mistakes made while you wait.
38763 Programming is an unnatural act.
38765 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38766 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38767 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38772 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38773 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38775 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38776 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38778 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38779 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38780 -- George Bernard Shaw
38782 Progress means replacing a theory that
38783 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38785 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38788 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38791 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38793 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38795 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38796 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38797 level where they can't foul up operations.
38799 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38801 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38803 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38804 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38806 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38808 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38809 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38810 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38811 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38812 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38813 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38815 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38816 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38817 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38818 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38819 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38821 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38822 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38824 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38826 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38828 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38830 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38832 Lack of a counterexample, and
38833 "It stands to reason"
38835 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38836 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38839 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38841 BBW Branch Both Ways
38842 BEW Branch Either Way
38843 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38845 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38847 BPO Branch on Power Off
38848 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38849 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38850 CLBR Clobber Register
38851 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38852 CM Circulate Memory
38853 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38854 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38855 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38857 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38859 DC Divide and Conquer
38860 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38861 DO Divide and Overflow
38862 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38863 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38864 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38865 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38866 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38867 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38868 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38869 PBC Print and Break Chain
38872 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38875 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38876 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38877 RASC Read And Shred Card
38878 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38879 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
38880 RTAB Rewind tape and break
38882 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38883 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
38884 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38885 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38886 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38887 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38888 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38889 WBT Water Binary Tree
38891 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38894 Prototype designs always work.
38898 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38899 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38900 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38901 prototype is not expected to work.
38903 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38904 than the both put together.
38906 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38907 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38909 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38911 Pryor's Observation:
38912 How long you live has nothing to do
38913 with how long you are going to be dead.
38915 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38916 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38917 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38918 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38919 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38921 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38922 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38924 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38926 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38928 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38930 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38934 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38936 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38940 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38943 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38944 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38945 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38946 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38947 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38948 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38949 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38950 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38951 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38952 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38953 Philosophers think they're gods.
38955 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38956 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38959 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38960 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38963 Public use of any portable music system is a
38964 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38967 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38968 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
38971 Anything that begins well will end badly.
38972 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
38974 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
38976 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
38977 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
38978 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
38979 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
38980 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
38981 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
38982 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
38983 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
38985 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
38990 Someone who is deathly afraid that
38991 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
38993 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
38994 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
38997 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
38998 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
38999 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
39001 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39003 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39005 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39006 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39007 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39008 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39011 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39012 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39014 Put another password in,
39015 Bomb it out, then try again.
39016 Try to get past logging in,
39017 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39019 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39020 This is more than just a game.
39021 It's real fun, but just the same,
39022 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39024 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39026 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39028 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39030 Put your best foot forward.
39031 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39033 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39035 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39036 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39038 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39041 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39042 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39043 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39045 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39050 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39053 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39055 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39059 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39060 A: He got re-possessed!
39062 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39063 A: With three more bullets.
39065 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39067 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39069 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39071 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39073 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39074 A: When his lips move.
39076 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39077 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39079 Q: But how did he get back down?
39080 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39082 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39085 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
39086 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
39088 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39089 A: Unique up on it!
39091 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39094 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39096 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39097 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39099 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39100 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39102 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39103 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
39105 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39106 A: Throw him a rock.
39108 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39109 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39111 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39112 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39113 a blue-elephant gun.
39115 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39116 A: Take away his credit cards.
39118 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39119 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39120 A: He changes the domain.
39122 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39123 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39125 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39126 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39128 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39129 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39130 of license fee (binary only).
39132 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39133 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39134 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39136 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39137 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39138 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39139 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39141 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39142 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39143 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39145 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39146 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39148 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39149 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39151 Q: How long does it take?
39152 A: It's indeterminate.
39153 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39155 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39156 A: They replace your generator.
39158 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39159 A: One more than you can find.
39161 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39162 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39164 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39165 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39167 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39168 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39170 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39171 A: The door won't shut.
39173 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39174 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39176 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39177 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39178 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39179 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
39180 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39182 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39183 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39185 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39186 A: None. The application can work around it.
39188 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39189 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39191 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39192 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39194 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39195 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39197 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39198 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39200 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39201 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39203 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39204 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39205 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39206 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39207 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39208 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39210 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39211 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39212 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
39213 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
39214 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
39215 the bulb in the first place.
39217 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39218 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39220 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39221 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
39222 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
39223 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
39224 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
39225 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39226 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
39227 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
39228 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
39229 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
39230 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
39231 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
39232 between the parties.
39234 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
39235 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
39236 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
39237 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
39238 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
39239 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39240 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
39241 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
39242 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
39243 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
39244 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39246 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
39247 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
39248 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
39249 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
39250 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39251 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
39254 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
39255 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
39256 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
39257 revenue for the Partnership.
39259 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39260 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39261 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39263 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39264 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39266 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39269 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39270 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39272 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39273 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39274 to the earlier joke.
39276 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39278 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39279 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39280 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39281 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39282 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39283 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39284 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39285 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39286 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39287 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39288 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39289 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39290 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39291 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39292 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39293 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39294 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39295 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39297 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39299 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39302 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39303 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39304 out from under him.
39306 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39307 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39308 to really want to change.
39310 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39311 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
39312 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39314 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39315 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39316 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39318 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39319 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39320 with brightly colored machine tools.
39322 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39324 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39327 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39328 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39331 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39334 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39337 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39338 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39339 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39341 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39342 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39343 bottles into the typewriter.
39345 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39347 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39348 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39349 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39350 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39351 somebody else has made the correction.
39353 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39354 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39355 to inform the whole net right away!
39356 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39359 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39362 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39363 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39365 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39367 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39369 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39370 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39372 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39373 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39374 they go down on you.
39376 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39377 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39379 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39380 puzzle in only 6 months?
39381 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39383 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39384 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39386 Q: What do monsters eat?
39389 Q: What do monsters drink?
39390 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39392 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39393 A: The impossible dream.
39395 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39396 A: Rule the country.
39398 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39399 A: The same middle name.
39401 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39404 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39405 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39407 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39408 puzzle in only 6 months?
39409 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39411 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39412 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39414 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39415 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39417 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39420 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39423 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39424 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39426 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39429 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39430 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39432 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39433 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39435 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39436 eating fruit, and singing?
39437 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39439 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39440 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39442 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39445 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39446 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39449 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39450 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
39452 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39453 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
39456 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
39457 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
39460 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
39464 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
39466 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
39468 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
39469 A: An offer you can't understand.
39471 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
39472 A: Hot cross bunnies!
39474 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
39475 A: Not enough sand.
39477 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
39480 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
39481 A: To keep her neck warm.
39483 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
39484 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
39486 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
39487 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
39488 a delicious dessert.
39490 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
39493 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
39494 A: Exploding sheep.
39496 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
39499 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
39502 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
39505 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
39506 A: A ball point carrot.
39508 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
39511 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39512 A: A boolean grape.
39514 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39515 A: An Abelian grape.
39517 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
39518 A: Alexander the Grape.
39520 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
39521 A: One leg is both the same.
39523 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
39524 A: Yogurt has culture.
39526 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
39527 A: Her bowling shoes.
39529 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
39530 A: I think I'm drunk.
39532 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
39533 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
39535 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
39536 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
39538 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
39541 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
39542 A: A nervous wreck.
39544 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
39545 plays like a monkey?
39548 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
39551 Q: What's a light-year?
39552 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
39554 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
39555 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
39557 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
39558 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
39560 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
39563 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
39564 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
39565 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
39567 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
39568 A: Artificial intelligence.
39570 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
39571 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
39573 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
39576 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
39577 lawyer in the road?
39578 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
39580 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
39581 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
39583 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
39584 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
39586 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
39589 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
39592 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
39593 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
39595 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
39596 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
39598 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
39599 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
39601 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
39602 A: The Titanic had a band.
39604 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
39605 A: A canary with the super-user password.
39607 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
39610 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
39611 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
39613 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
39614 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
39616 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
39619 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
39620 A: Because they're worth it!
39622 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
39623 A: Because he was hungry.
39625 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
39626 A: To see what was on the other side.
39628 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
39631 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
39632 A: She opens the car door.
39634 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39635 A: He was giving it last rites.
39637 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39638 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
39640 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
39641 A: To get to the other slide.
39643 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
39644 A: To get to the other slide.
39646 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
39647 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
39649 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
39650 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
39652 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
39653 A: Because that was her name.
39655 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
39656 A: Because it was on the other side.
39658 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
39659 A: To get to the middle.
39661 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
39662 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
39664 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
39665 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
39667 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
39668 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
39669 Oh, right, *of course*!
39671 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
39672 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
39673 an eye on the two intellectuals.
39675 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
39676 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
39677 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
39679 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
39680 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
39682 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
39683 A: To keep their ankles warm.
39685 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
39686 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39688 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39689 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39691 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39692 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39693 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39694 visiting, they always take three.
39696 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39697 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39698 gets all the credit.
39700 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39701 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39702 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39704 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39705 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39707 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39708 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39710 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39711 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39713 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39715 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39717 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39718 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39723 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39726 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39729 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39730 an emergency on my part."
39733 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39736 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39739 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39742 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39743 have to stop and breathe."
39744 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39747 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39750 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39753 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39757 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39758 too late to punish."
39761 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39765 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39768 "Her other car is a broom."
39771 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39775 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39778 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39781 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39784 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
39787 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39788 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39791 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39794 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39797 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39798 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble.'"
39799 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39802 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39805 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39808 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39811 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39812 ball in their court."
39813 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39816 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39820 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39821 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39824 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39827 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39828 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39831 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39834 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39838 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39841 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39844 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39847 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39851 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39855 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39856 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39859 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39862 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39865 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39868 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39871 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39874 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39877 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39880 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39883 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39886 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39888 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39891 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39894 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39897 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39900 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39904 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39905 hands in his own pockets."
39908 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39911 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39914 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39917 "It's been Monday all week today."
39920 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39923 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39924 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39927 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39930 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39931 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39934 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39935 strike. To make less money."
39938 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39942 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39945 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39949 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39953 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39956 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39959 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39960 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39961 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39962 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39965 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39968 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
39972 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
39975 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
39978 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
39981 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
39985 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
39988 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
39991 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
39994 "Our parents were never our age."
39997 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40000 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
40003 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40004 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40007 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
40010 "She's about as smart as bait."
40013 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
40016 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
40019 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40022 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40023 I do what I get paid to do."
40026 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40027 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40030 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40033 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40034 the snakes have gone away."
40037 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40038 gerbil has more dark meat."
40041 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40044 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40048 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40051 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40054 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40055 think he was broken!"
40058 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40059 when I mess things up."
40062 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40063 "baring your neck."
40066 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40069 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40072 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40073 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
40076 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40080 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40086 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40087 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40089 Quality Control, n.:
40090 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40091 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40093 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40094 but its the only one we've got.
40096 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40097 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40099 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40102 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40104 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40106 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40109 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40113 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40114 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40117 Ask somebody something.
40120 Man Invented Alcohol,
40121 God Invented Grass.
40124 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40127 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40129 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40131 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40133 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40136 Whoever has any authority over you,
40137 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40139 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40142 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40143 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40150 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40153 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40156 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40160 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40162 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40165 rain falls where clouds come
40166 sun shines where clouds go
40167 clouds just come and go
40168 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40170 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40172 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40174 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40176 Ralph's Observation:
40177 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40178 realise that you are in a hurry.
40180 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40183 as in number, predictable.
40184 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40186 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40188 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40191 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40193 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40194 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40195 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40196 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40197 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40198 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40199 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40200 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40201 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
40202 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40203 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40205 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40206 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40207 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40208 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40209 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40211 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40212 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40213 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40214 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40215 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40216 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40217 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40218 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40219 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40220 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40221 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40223 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40224 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40229 And drugs cause cramp.
40230 Guns aren't lawful;
40233 You might as well live.
40234 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40237 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40238 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40239 described with pictures.
40241 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40242 And find they do not know your name.
40243 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40244 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40245 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40246 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40247 Hold a candle to the night,
40248 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40249 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40250 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40251 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40252 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40253 Lean upon the western wind,
40254 And know you are alone.
40257 Reactor error - core dumped!
40259 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40260 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40263 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40265 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40267 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40268 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40269 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40270 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40272 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
40273 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
40276 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40277 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40279 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40280 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40282 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40283 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40284 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40286 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40287 could they read their mail?
40289 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40290 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40291 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40293 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40294 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40295 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40298 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40299 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40302 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40303 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40305 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40306 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40309 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40310 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40311 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40312 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40314 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40315 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40317 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40318 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40321 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
40322 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40324 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40326 Real programs don't eat cache.
40328 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
40329 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40331 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40332 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40333 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40335 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40336 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40337 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40338 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
40339 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40340 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40341 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40343 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40344 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40345 using an undocumented external procedure.
40348 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40351 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40352 afraid to break your face.
40354 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40355 down the system for days.
40357 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40359 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40361 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40362 program doesn't deliver it.
40364 Real Users never use the Help key.
40366 Real wealth can only increase.
40367 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40369 Real World, The n.:
40370 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40371 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40372 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40373 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40374 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
40375 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40376 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40377 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40378 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40381 Reality -- what a concept!
40384 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40386 Reality does not exist - yet.
40388 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40390 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40393 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40396 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40398 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40401 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40403 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40406 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
40410 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40414 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
40417 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
40419 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
40420 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
40422 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
40423 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
40424 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
40426 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
40428 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
40429 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
40432 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
40433 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
40434 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
40435 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
40436 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
40437 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
40438 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
40439 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
40440 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
40443 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
40444 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
40445 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
40446 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
40449 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
40450 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
40451 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
40452 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
40454 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
40455 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
40456 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
40457 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
40458 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
40459 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
40460 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
40461 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
40462 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
40463 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
40464 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
40466 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
40469 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
40470 Take not a single bit!
40471 It used to point to me,
40472 Now I'm protecting it.
40473 It was the reader's CONS
40474 That made it, paired by dot;
40475 Now, GC, for the nonce,
40476 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
40478 Recursion is the root of computation
40479 since it trades description for time.
40481 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
40482 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
40484 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
40485 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
40489 Regression analysis:
40490 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
40494 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
40497 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
40500 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
40501 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
40503 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
40504 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
40505 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
40507 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
40508 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
40509 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
40511 Reliable source, n:
40512 The guy you just met.
40514 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
40517 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
40519 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
40522 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
40524 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
40525 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
40526 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
40527 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40529 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
40533 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
40535 Remember Darwin; building a better
40536 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
40538 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
40539 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
40541 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
40543 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
40546 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
40548 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
40551 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
40552 have an established user base.
40554 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
40558 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
40559 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
40560 -- Good Morning, Vietnam
40562 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
40563 that you're the one holding it.
40564 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
40566 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
40567 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
40568 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
40569 Across The Eighth Dimension"
40571 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
40574 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
40575 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
40576 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
40578 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
40581 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
40582 worse in Cleveland.
40583 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
40585 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
40587 Remember the... the... uhh.....
40590 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
40591 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
40592 Yea, from the table of my memory
40593 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
40594 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
40595 That youth and observation copied there.
40596 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
40598 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
40600 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
40603 Remember: use logout to logout.
40605 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
40608 Remove me from this land of slaves,
40609 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
40610 Where every knave and fool is bought,
40611 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
40614 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
40615 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
40618 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
40620 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
40623 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
40624 -- Indiana University football cheer
40626 Reply hazy, ask again later.
40628 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
40629 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
40631 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
40632 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
40635 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
40637 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40639 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
40641 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
40642 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
40643 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
40644 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
40645 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
40646 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
40647 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
40648 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
40649 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
40650 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
40652 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
40654 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
40655 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
40656 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
40659 What others are not thinking about you.
40661 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
40662 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
40663 so you're still a valiant nerd.
40665 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
40666 and think what nobody else has thought.
40668 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
40669 -- Wernher von Braun
40673 He didn't know where he was going.
40674 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
40675 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
40676 And he did it all on someone else's money.
40678 Resisting temptation is easier when you
40679 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
40682 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
40683 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
40684 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
40685 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
40686 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40688 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40689 actually have a shot at it.
40691 Reunite Gondwondaland!
40693 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40695 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40697 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40699 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40701 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40705 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40706 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40707 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40708 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40710 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40711 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40712 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40713 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40715 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40716 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40717 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40718 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40721 A form of government abroad.
40724 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40725 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40727 revolutionary, adj:
40731 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40732 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40733 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40734 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40735 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40736 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40737 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40738 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40739 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40740 assume otherwise, maybe.
40742 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40743 should be happier than others.
40746 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40747 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40748 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40752 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40755 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40756 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40758 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40759 "Your winnings, sir."
40760 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40763 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40764 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40766 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40769 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40770 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40771 rights, which they use or do not use.
40774 Ring around the collar.
40777 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40778 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40779 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40782 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40785 University administrator.
40788 Never having to say you're sorry.
40790 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40791 Unless the results are known in advance,
40792 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40794 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40796 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40798 Rome was not built in one day.
40801 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40803 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40804 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40805 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40807 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40808 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40809 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40810 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40813 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40814 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40822 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40823 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40825 Round Numbers are always false.
40828 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40830 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40832 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40833 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40836 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40837 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40838 stay in Washington and make it there.
40840 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40843 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40846 Rudin's Second Law:
40847 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40848 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40854 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40855 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40856 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40858 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40864 The Boss is always right.
40867 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40869 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40870 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40871 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40872 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40874 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40875 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40876 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40877 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40878 regain their composure.
40880 Rule of Creative Research:
40881 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40882 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40883 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40885 Rule of Defactualization:
40886 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40888 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40889 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40890 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40893 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40896 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40897 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40899 Rule the Empire through force.
40903 (1) The boss is always right.
40904 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40906 Rules for Academic Deans:
40908 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40909 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40911 Rules for driving in New York:
40912 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40913 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40914 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40917 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40918 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40919 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40920 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40921 4: About them sentence fragments.
40922 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40923 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40924 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40925 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40926 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40927 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40928 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40929 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40930 13: Correct speling is essential.
40931 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40932 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40933 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40934 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40937 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40938 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40939 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40940 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40941 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40942 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40943 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40944 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40945 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40946 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40947 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40948 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40949 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40950 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40952 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40953 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40954 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40955 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40956 (4) Enjoy your food.
40957 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40958 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40959 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40960 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40961 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40962 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40963 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40964 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40965 can always eat it later.
40966 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40967 (11) Avoid blue food.
40968 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
40970 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
40974 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
40976 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
40977 -- John Cameron Swayze
40979 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
40980 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
40981 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
40982 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
40983 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40986 Make three correct guesses consecutively
40987 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
40989 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40991 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
40992 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
40994 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
40995 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
40996 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
40997 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
40998 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
40999 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41000 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41002 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41009 Sacher's Observation:
41010 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41012 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41015 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41017 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41018 Beating a dead horse.
41022 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41023 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41025 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41027 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41028 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41029 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41030 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41031 6. People ignore you at parties.
41032 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41033 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41035 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41037 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41038 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41039 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41040 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41041 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41042 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41043 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41045 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41046 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41047 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41048 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41049 laugh at you a great deal.
41051 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41052 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41053 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41054 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41056 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41057 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41058 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41059 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41061 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41062 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41065 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41066 -- Heard on Noah's ark
41068 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41069 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41071 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41072 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41074 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41075 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41078 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41080 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41081 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41082 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41083 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41084 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41085 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41086 uncharted waters here.
41089 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
41090 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
41091 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
41092 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
41094 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
41095 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
41096 Found him every couple of blocks.
41097 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
41099 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41100 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41101 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41103 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41104 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41105 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41107 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41108 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41109 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41111 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41112 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41113 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41114 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41115 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41116 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41118 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41119 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41120 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41122 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41123 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41124 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41126 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41127 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41128 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41130 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41131 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41132 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41134 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41135 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41136 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41137 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41138 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41140 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41141 Norm: Most of my wife.
41142 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41145 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41146 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41148 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41149 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41150 to be the guinea pig.
41151 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41154 Four million people, where you can't get a
41155 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41157 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41158 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41159 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41160 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41161 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41163 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41167 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41169 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41171 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41174 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41176 Santa Claus is watching!
41178 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41181 He has long hair and a beard
41182 Must be a pacifist.
41184 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41186 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41187 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41189 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41190 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41192 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41194 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41195 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41197 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41199 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41202 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41204 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41208 It works better if you plug it in.
41210 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41211 Is like being nowhere at all,
41212 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41213 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41214 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41216 Satyrs have more faun.
41218 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41220 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41221 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41223 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41224 surprised at how little you have.
41227 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41230 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41232 Save energy: be apathetic.
41234 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41236 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41240 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41242 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41244 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41246 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41247 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41248 No one cares a cent about you,
41249 You don't care a cent for life;
41250 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41251 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41252 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41253 And the big blue sky.
41256 Say it with flowers,
41257 Or say it with mink,
41258 But whatever you do,
41259 Don't say it with ink!
41262 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41263 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41264 No justice, please, curse ye!
41265 We really want mercy:
41266 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41267 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41269 Say my love is easy had,
41270 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41271 Say I am too often sad --
41272 Still behold me at your side.
41274 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41275 Say I woo and coddle care,
41276 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41277 Still you have my heart to wear.
41279 But say my verses do not scan,
41280 And I get me another man!
41281 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41283 Say no, then negotiate.
41286 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41288 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41290 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41294 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41295 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41296 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41298 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41301 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41302 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41303 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41304 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41305 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41306 intently watching him.
41309 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41311 Schapiro's Explanation:
41312 The grass is always greener on the other side --
41313 but that's because they use more manure.
41315 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41317 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41318 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41319 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41320 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41322 Schmidt's Observation:
41323 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41324 than a thin person.
41327 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
41329 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41331 Science and religion are in full accord but
41332 science and faith are in complete discord.
41334 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41335 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41336 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41337 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41339 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41340 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41341 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41342 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41344 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41345 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41347 -- Jules Henri Poincare
41349 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41350 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41351 is not necessarily science.
41352 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
41354 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41355 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41358 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41360 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41362 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41364 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41365 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41366 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41367 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41368 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41369 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41370 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41371 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41372 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41373 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41374 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41375 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41376 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41377 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41378 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41380 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41384 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41385 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41386 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41387 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
41389 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
41390 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
41391 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
41392 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
41393 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
41394 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
41395 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
41396 together. "There is now", came the reply.
41398 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41399 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
41400 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
41401 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
41402 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
41403 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
41405 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
41407 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
41408 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
41409 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
41410 Scorpio people are murdered.
41412 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
41413 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
41414 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
41415 to throw up. Knock it off.
41417 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
41418 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
41419 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
41420 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
41421 to win. You never learn.
41424 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
41426 Scott's second Law:
41427 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
41428 to have been wrong in the first place.
41431 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
41432 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
41434 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
41435 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
41436 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
41437 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
41438 Spock: Affirmative.
41439 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
41440 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
41442 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
41443 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
41444 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41445 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
41446 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
41447 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
41448 And we've also found Just flip one switch
41449 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
41450 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
41451 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
41452 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
41453 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
41454 The system is going to crash.
41455 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
41459 Roll the tapes across the floor!
41461 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
41464 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
41466 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41468 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
41472 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
41473 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
41475 Sears has everything.
41477 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
41479 Second Law of Business Meetings:
41480 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
41481 will pick the wrong one.
41484 If there is only one way to spell a name,
41485 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
41487 Second Law of Final Exams:
41488 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
41489 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
41491 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
41493 Secretary's Revenge:
41494 Filing almost everything under "the".
41496 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
41497 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
41498 multiline message byte.
41499 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
41500 must be sent passive true.
41501 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
41502 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
41503 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
41504 (a) The LADS is active
41505 (b) Nor LACS is active"
41507 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
41508 Programmable Instrumentation
41510 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
41512 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
41513 [Who guards the Guardians?]
41515 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
41516 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
41517 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
41519 Sightlessly seeking
41520 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
41521 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
41523 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
41525 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
41526 the second one should have seen it.
41528 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
41529 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
41530 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
41531 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
41532 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
41533 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
41534 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
41536 Seeing is believing.
41537 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
41539 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
41542 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
41543 Will come when it will come.
41544 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41546 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
41547 -- Alfred North Whitehead
41549 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
41550 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
41551 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
41552 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
41553 rocks. They all got out of the car:
41554 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
41555 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
41556 into town and have a specialist look at it."
41557 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
41558 in and see if it does it again."
41560 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
41561 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
41563 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
41564 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
41565 you like me to put it on your bill?"
41566 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
41568 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
41569 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
41570 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
41571 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
41572 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
41574 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
41575 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
41576 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
41577 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
41578 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
41579 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
41580 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
41581 like when God was working it alone!"
41583 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
41584 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
41586 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
41587 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
41590 "Got any bear bells?"
41592 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
41593 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
41594 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
41596 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
41597 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
41600 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
41601 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
41603 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
41604 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
41605 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
41606 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
41608 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
41609 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
41610 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
41611 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
41612 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
41613 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
41614 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
41615 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
41616 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
41617 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
41618 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
41619 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
41620 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
41621 some new underwear.
41622 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
41623 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
41624 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
41625 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
41626 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
41627 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
41629 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
41630 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
41632 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
41633 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
41635 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
41636 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
41638 Self Test for Paranoia:
41639 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
41643 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
41647 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
41650 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
41652 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41654 Send some filthy mail.
41656 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
41657 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
41660 The state of mind of elderly persons
41661 with whom one happens to disagree.
41663 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
41664 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
41665 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
41666 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
41668 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
41670 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
41674 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
41676 Serenity through viciousness.
41681 Serocki's Stricture:
41682 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
41684 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
41686 Set the cart before the horse.
41689 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
41690 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
41691 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
41692 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
41693 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
41694 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
41695 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
41696 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
41697 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
41699 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
41700 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
41701 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
41702 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
41703 like crabgrass all over the United States.
41704 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
41706 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41707 Is all my brain and body need.
41708 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41709 Are very good indeed.
41711 Take your silly ways,
41712 Throw them out the window,
41713 The wisdom of your ways,
41714 I've been there and I know,
41715 Lots of other ways...
41716 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41718 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41720 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41723 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41725 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41726 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41729 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41732 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41734 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41736 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41737 -- Garrison Keillor
41739 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41740 it's still darn tasty!
41742 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
41745 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41749 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41752 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41753 most amount of trouble.
41756 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41757 repeated until infinity.
41758 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41759 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41762 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41763 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41766 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41767 how children do not come into the world.
41770 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41772 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41773 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41776 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41777 pietists to oppress the human race.
41778 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41780 Shannon's Observation
41781 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41782 that is beginning to improve.
41785 To give in, endure humiliation.
41787 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41788 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41789 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41793 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41796 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41798 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41800 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41801 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41802 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41803 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41805 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41806 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41807 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41808 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41810 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41811 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41812 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41814 She been married so many times
41815 she got rice marks all over her face.
41818 She blinded me with science!
41820 She can kill all your files;
41821 She can freeze with a frown.
41822 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41823 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41824 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41825 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41827 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41830 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41832 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41835 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41838 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41839 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41840 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41841 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41842 involvement in "The Avengers".
41844 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41847 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41848 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41850 She often gave herself very good advice
41851 (though she very seldom followed it).
41854 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
41855 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41857 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41858 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41859 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41860 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41862 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41864 She stood on the tracks
41866 Leading me to that third rail shock
41868 She changed her mind
41870 She gave me a night
41872 What will it take until I stop
41876 There's nothing else I can do
41877 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41878 I don't want anyone new
41879 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41880 There's nothing in it for you
41881 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41882 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41884 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41885 But she's just a crumb up here
41886 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41887 With a cauliflower ear
41888 Someday we will be married
41889 And if vegetables become too dear
41890 I'll just cut me a slice of
41891 Her cauliflower ear!
41892 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41894 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41895 good at being short.
41896 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41898 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41900 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41902 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41905 All trails have more uphill sections
41906 than they have downhill sections.
41908 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41910 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41911 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41912 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41913 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41914 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41915 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41916 bad fiction contest.
41918 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41919 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41920 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41923 She's genuinely bogus.
41925 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41926 that others waste time putting into words.
41928 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41930 She's such a kinky girl,
41931 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41932 She will never let your spirits down
41933 Once you get her off the street.
41935 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41938 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41941 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41944 Shift to the right,
41946 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41949 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41953 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41955 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41956 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41957 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41958 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41961 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41962 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41963 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41965 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41966 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41967 body join her long dead brain.
41969 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41970 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
41973 Short people get rained on last.
41975 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
41978 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
41979 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
41982 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
41983 playing golf with his boss.
41985 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
41987 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
41989 Showing up is 80% of life.
41992 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
41995 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
41996 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
41999 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42001 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42002 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42005 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42007 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42009 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42011 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42013 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42014 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42016 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42017 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42021 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42024 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42026 sillema sillema nika su
42027 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42029 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42031 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42032 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42033 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42034 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42035 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42036 intersection in town. BUT!
42038 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42039 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42041 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42042 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42043 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42044 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42046 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42047 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42050 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42053 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42055 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42059 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42060 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42061 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42064 -- by Claude E. Shannon
42066 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42072 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42074 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42075 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42076 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42079 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42080 when others believe him.
42081 -- Charles DeGaulle
42083 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
42085 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
42086 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
42087 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
42089 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
42090 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
42091 burst out in laughter.
42094 Since I hurt my pendulum
42095 My life is all erratic.
42096 My parrot who was cordial
42097 Is now transmitting static.
42098 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
42099 The cat keeps doing poo.
42100 The only thing that keeps me sane
42101 Is talking to my shoe.
42104 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
42107 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
42111 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
42112 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
42114 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
42116 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
42118 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
42121 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
42122 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
42123 -- Winston Churchill
42125 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
42126 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
42127 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
42129 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
42130 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
42131 It'll cost you though".
42133 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
42134 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
42136 "An arm and a leg", said God.
42138 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
42141 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42142 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42143 gives us modern art.
42146 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42147 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42148 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42149 should have gotten.
42151 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42152 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42153 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42154 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42155 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42158 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42160 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
42161 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
42163 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
42164 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
42165 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
42166 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
42167 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
42168 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
42169 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
42170 for deliverance from chains.
42171 -- Frederick Douglass
42173 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42176 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42178 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42179 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
42180 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42181 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42182 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42183 attracted to dark objects.
42186 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42191 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42194 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42195 it sits in the dish too long.
42196 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42198 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42200 Small is beautiful.
42201 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42203 Small things make base men proud.
42204 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42206 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42207 teacher was in my class for five years.
42210 Smear the road with a runner!!
42212 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42214 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42216 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42219 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42220 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42221 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42222 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42223 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42224 filed 30 days in advance.
42226 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42229 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42231 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42232 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42235 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42236 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42238 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42240 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42243 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42245 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42247 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42248 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42250 Snow Day -- stay home.
42252 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42253 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42254 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42255 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42256 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42257 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42259 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42260 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42261 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42262 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42264 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42265 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42266 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42267 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42268 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42269 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42270 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42273 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42276 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42277 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42278 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42279 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42280 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42281 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42282 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42283 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42284 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42286 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42287 praise of intelligence.
42288 -- Bertrand Russell
42290 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42291 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42292 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42293 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42295 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42296 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42297 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42298 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42299 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42300 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42301 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42302 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42303 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42305 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42307 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42308 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42310 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42313 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42314 large as it needs to be?
42316 So little time, so little to do.
42319 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42320 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42322 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42325 So many men and so little time.
42327 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42328 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42330 So many women, and so little time!
42332 So many women, so little nerve.
42334 So much food, and so little time!
42350 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42373 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42374 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42375 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42377 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42378 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42379 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42380 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42381 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42382 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42386 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42387 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42388 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42390 So... so you think you can tell
42392 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
42393 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
42394 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
42395 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
42396 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
42398 A walk on part in a war
42399 For the lead role in a cage?
42400 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
42402 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
42403 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
42405 So, you better watch out!
42406 You better not cry!
42407 You better not pout!
42408 I'm telling you why,
42409 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
42411 He knows when you've been sleeping,
42412 He know when you're awake.
42413 He knows if you've been bad or good,
42414 He has ties with the CIA.
42417 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
42418 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
42419 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
42420 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
42421 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
42422 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
42423 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
42425 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
42426 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
42429 So you're back... about time...
42431 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
42432 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
42436 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
42439 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
42441 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
42443 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
42444 The government sells it.
42446 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
42448 The government shoots one cow,
42449 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
42451 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
42453 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
42456 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
42460 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
42462 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
42463 like a staff function."
42466 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
42467 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
42468 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
42469 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
42471 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
42472 Are practically zero,
42473 But those who wish to be civilians,
42474 They run into the millions.
42476 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
42479 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
42480 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
42483 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
42484 and some few to be chewed and digested.
42486 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
42488 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
42489 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
42491 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
42492 as when you find a trout in the milk.
42495 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
42497 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
42499 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
42501 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
42503 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
42506 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
42510 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
42511 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
42512 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
42514 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
42516 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
42517 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
42520 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
42521 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
42523 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
42526 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
42527 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
42530 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
42531 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
42534 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
42537 Some men who fear that they are playing
42538 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
42540 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
42541 The answer is: I don't know.
42542 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
42544 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
42545 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
42546 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
42547 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
42548 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
42549 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
42550 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
42551 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
42553 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
42554 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
42555 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
42556 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
42557 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
42558 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
42559 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
42560 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
42561 he received, shame and wounds."
42563 Some of the things that live the longest
42564 in peoples' memories never really happened.
42566 Some of them want to use you,
42567 Some of them want to be used by you,
42568 ...Everybody's looking for something.
42571 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
42574 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
42575 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
42576 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
42577 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
42578 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
42579 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
42580 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
42581 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
42582 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
42583 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
42584 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
42586 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
42588 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
42589 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
42591 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
42592 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
42593 two-dimensional ones.
42594 -- F. Frederick Skitty
42596 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
42598 Some people cause happiness wherever
42599 they go; others, whenever they go.
42601 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
42602 but at least you only have to climb it once.
42604 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
42605 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
42607 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
42609 Some people have parts that are so private
42610 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
42612 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
42615 Some people live life in the fast lane.
42616 You're in oncoming traffic.
42618 Some people manage by the book, even though they
42619 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
42621 Some people need a good imaginary cure
42622 for their painful imaginary ailment.
42624 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
42626 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
42628 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
42629 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
42632 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
42633 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
42635 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
42636 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
42640 Some points to remember [about animals]:
42642 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
42644 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
42645 front of your clothes;
42646 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
42647 you have just kicked.
42648 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42650 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
42651 And tasted it, and found it good.
42652 And that is why your Cousin May
42653 Fell through the parlor floor today.
42656 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
42658 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42660 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
42662 Some say the world will end in fire,
42664 From what I've tasted of desire
42665 I hold with those who favor fire.
42666 But if it had to perish twice
42667 I think I know enough of hate
42668 To say that for destruction, ice
42671 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
42673 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
42676 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
42678 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
42681 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
42682 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
42684 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
42685 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
42686 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
42687 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
42689 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
42690 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
42691 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
42692 That don't smell very nice --
42693 He's nobody's moggy now.
42695 Oh you who love your pussy,
42696 Be sure to keep him in.
42697 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
42698 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
42699 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
42700 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
42701 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
42702 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
42703 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
42704 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
42705 Just red and squashed and soggy --
42706 He's nobody's moggy now.
42707 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
42709 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42710 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42712 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42713 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42715 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42716 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42717 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42720 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42723 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42725 Someday your prints will come.
42728 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42729 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42730 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42732 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42734 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42735 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42736 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42739 Someone is speaking well of you.
42742 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42744 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42746 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42748 Something better...
42750 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42751 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42752 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42753 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42754 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42755 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42757 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42759 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42760 mind putting that thing away.
42761 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42762 It's what's in it that matters.
42763 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42765 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42766 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42768 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42769 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42771 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42772 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42774 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42777 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42778 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42781 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42784 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42785 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42788 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42789 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42790 -- Richard M. Nixon
42792 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42795 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42796 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42797 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42798 Either light up or leave me alone.
42800 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42801 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42805 Sometimes I live in the country,
42806 And sometimes I live in town.
42807 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42808 To jump in the river and drown.
42810 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42811 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42813 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42814 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42815 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42817 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42820 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42823 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42825 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42826 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42827 me because I am beautiful.
42828 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
42830 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42832 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42833 Other times I can hardly see.
42834 Lately it occurs to me
42835 What a long strange trip it's been.
42836 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42838 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42841 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42842 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42843 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42844 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42847 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42848 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42851 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42855 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42857 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42859 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42860 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42863 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42866 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42867 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42868 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42869 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42870 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42872 Song Title of the Week:
42873 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42876 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42877 paid may disregard this fortune).
42879 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42883 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42885 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42887 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42888 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42889 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42890 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42892 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42895 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42898 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42899 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42900 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42901 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42904 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42906 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42908 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42911 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42912 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42913 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42916 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42917 And beat him when he sneezes:
42918 He only does it to annoy
42919 Because he knows it teases.
42923 I speak severely to my boy,
42924 And beat him when he sneezes:
42925 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42926 The pepper when he pleases!
42929 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
42931 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42932 And boot it when it crashes;
42933 It knows that one cannot relax
42934 Because the paging thrashes!
42938 I speak severely to my VAX,
42939 And boot it when it crashes;
42940 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42941 My jobs it always thrashes!
42945 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42947 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42950 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42951 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42952 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42953 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42954 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42955 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42956 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42957 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42958 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42959 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42960 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42961 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42962 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42963 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42964 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42965 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42966 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42967 syllable is thine!"
42968 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42970 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
42971 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
42972 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
42973 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
42974 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
42975 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
42976 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
42977 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
42978 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
42980 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
42982 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
42983 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
42984 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
42985 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
42986 Helpless users with projects due
42987 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
42989 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
42990 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
42992 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
42993 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
42996 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
42997 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
42998 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
42999 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43000 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43001 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43002 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43003 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43005 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43006 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43008 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43009 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43010 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43011 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43012 Faculty members especially welcome.
43014 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
43016 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43017 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43018 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43019 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43021 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43022 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43023 number of times you have looked at it.
43025 Spelling is a lossed art.
43027 Spence's Admonition:
43028 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43030 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43036 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43038 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43040 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43041 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43043 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43046 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43047 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43049 Spring is here, spring is here,
43050 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43053 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43054 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43056 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43058 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43059 who through strategy and stealth
43060 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43061 Here's a toasting to his health --
43062 but not too many toastings
43063 lest you lose yourself and then
43064 forget the good St. Patrick
43065 and see all those snakes again.
43067 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43069 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43071 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
43072 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
43073 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
43074 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
43075 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
43076 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
43077 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
43078 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
43079 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
43080 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
43081 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
43082 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
43083 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
43084 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
43085 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
43086 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
43087 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
43088 All it said was: "Write two letters."
43090 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
43092 Stamp out philately.
43095 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
43097 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
43098 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
43099 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
43102 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
43104 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
43105 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
43107 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
43108 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
43109 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
43110 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
43113 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
43116 Start the day with a smile.
43117 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
43119 State license plates we'd like to see:
43121 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
43123 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
43127 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
43129 State license plates we'd like to see:
43133 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
43135 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
43137 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
43141 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43143 State license plates we'd like to see:
43145 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43146 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43147 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43149 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43151 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43153 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43154 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43155 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43159 A system for expressing your political
43160 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43162 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43165 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43167 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43169 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43173 Stay together, drag each other down.
43175 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43176 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43177 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43179 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43180 Though we really did try to make it,
43181 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43183 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43184 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43185 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43187 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43188 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43189 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43191 But it's too late baby...
43192 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43193 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43195 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43196 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43197 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43198 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43199 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43201 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43203 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43204 Good enough is never good enough.
43206 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43207 Everybody should believe in something --
43208 I believe I'll have another drink.
43210 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43211 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43214 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43215 Embezzlement is another matter.
43218 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43220 Step back, unbelievers!
43221 Or the rain will never come.
43222 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43223 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43224 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43225 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43227 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43228 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43229 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43230 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43231 very little call for those up there.
43232 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43234 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43235 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43237 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43238 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43240 Stock's Observation:
43241 You no sooner get your head above water
43242 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43245 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43247 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43248 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43249 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43250 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43251 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43252 on the credulity of human nature.
43254 Stop me, before I kill again!
43256 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43257 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43259 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43261 Strange things are done to be number one
43262 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43263 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43264 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43265 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43266 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43267 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43268 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43269 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43270 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43271 The movers came to crate the frame;
43272 It weighed a million ton!
43273 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43274 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43275 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43276 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43277 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43278 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43279 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43280 Because they couldn't deliver.
43281 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43284 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43287 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43288 after those creating it have left the organization.
43290 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43292 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43293 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43294 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43295 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43296 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43297 and have a nice day.
43299 Strive to the pass of high mountain
43300 Cross in the shallow side of the wide ocean
43301 Do not give up because of distance
43302 Will certainly reach if walks
43303 Do not discourage of human
43304 Shall overcome if you try
43305 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43307 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43308 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43309 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43310 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43313 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43314 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43317 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43319 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43321 Stupidity is its own reward.
43324 90% of everything is crud.
43326 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43328 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43329 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43331 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
43332 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43335 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
43336 way before it is understood.
43338 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43339 the streets after them.
43342 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43344 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43346 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43347 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43349 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43351 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43353 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43355 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
43356 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43358 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43360 Such a fine first dream!
43361 But they laughed at me; they said
43364 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43365 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43367 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43368 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43369 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43371 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43372 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43374 Sudden Death Dating:
43377 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43378 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43380 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43381 without his duck ...
43383 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43384 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43385 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43386 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43387 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43389 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43391 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43393 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43398 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43399 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43400 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43403 The Network IS the Load Average.
43405 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43407 To code the impossible code,
43408 To bring up a virgin machine,
43409 To pop out of endless recursion,
43410 To grok what appears on the screen,
43412 To right the unrightable bug,
43413 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43414 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43415 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43418 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43419 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43420 progressively reducing solar elevation.
43422 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
43423 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
43426 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
43427 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
43428 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
43429 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
43431 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
43432 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
43434 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
43436 -- Overheard at a supervision
43438 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
43440 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
43442 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
43444 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
43445 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
43447 Support the Girl Scouts!
43448 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
43450 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
43452 Support your local church or synagogue.
43453 Worship at Bank of America.
43455 Support your local police force -- steal!!
43457 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
43459 Support your right to arm bears!!
43461 Support your right to bare arms!
43462 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
43464 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
43465 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
43466 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
43467 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
43468 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
43469 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
43470 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
43472 -- Christopher Evans
43474 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
43476 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
43477 But what if he forgets?
43479 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
43480 men in national government too.
43481 -- Richard M. Nixon
43483 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
43485 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
43486 Just type in your name and social security number.
43487 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
43493 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
43495 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
43498 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
43499 strapped on with electrical tape.
43502 The way of the tuna.
43504 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
43505 -- William Shakespeare
43508 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
43512 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
43515 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
43518 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
43520 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
43523 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
43524 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
43526 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
43527 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
43528 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
43530 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
43532 Swipple's Rule of Order:
43533 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
43535 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
43536 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
43539 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
43540 unusually pale and clear.
43541 Problem: Glass empty.
43542 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43544 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
43545 and the front of your shirt is wet.
43546 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
43547 wrong part of face.
43548 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
43549 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
43551 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43553 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
43554 Fault: The Bar is closing.
43555 Action Required: Panic.
43557 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
43558 You cannot see the bathroom light.
43559 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
43560 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
43561 treat yourself to a lie-in.
43563 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43565 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
43566 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
43567 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
43570 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
43571 Fault: Improper bladder control.
43572 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
43573 to the owner about its lack of house training and
43574 demand a beer as compensation.
43576 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43578 Symptom: Floor blurred.
43579 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
43580 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43582 Symptom: Floor moving.
43583 Fault: You are being carried out.
43584 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
43585 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
43587 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43589 Symptom: Floor swaying.
43590 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
43592 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
43594 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
43595 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
43596 Fault: You have fallen forward.
43597 Action Required: See above.
43599 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
43600 flourescent light strips.
43601 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
43602 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
43603 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
43604 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
43606 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43608 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
43609 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43611 System checkpoint complete.
43613 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
43615 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
43617 System going down in 5 minutes.
43619 System restarting, wait...
43621 System/3! System/3!
43622 See how it runs! See how it runs!
43623 Its monitor loses so totally!
43624 It runs all its programs in RPG!
43625 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
43628 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
43629 Works equally poorly on all systems.
43631 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
43632 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
43633 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43635 Systems programmer:
43636 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
43637 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
43638 are to receive from your boss.
43640 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
43643 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
43644 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
43645 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
43646 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
43647 -- The Roguelet's ABC
43650 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
43652 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
43655 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
43658 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
43659 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
43661 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
43664 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
43666 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
43667 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
43669 Take an astronaut to launch.
43671 Take care of the luxuries and the
43672 necessities will take care of themselves.
43675 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
43676 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
43678 Take everything in stride.
43679 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
43681 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
43682 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
43684 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
43686 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
43688 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
43693 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
43694 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
43697 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
43698 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
43699 have given them to you.
43701 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
43704 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
43705 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
43706 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
43707 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
43709 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
43711 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
43712 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
43713 -- Booth Tarkington
43715 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
43716 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43719 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43721 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43724 Talkers are no good doers.
43725 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43727 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43730 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43731 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43733 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43734 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43735 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43737 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43738 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43739 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43740 It's hanging there on the shed.
43742 All together now...
43743 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43744 Tie me kangaroo down.
43745 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43746 Tie me kangaroo down.
43748 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43749 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43752 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43753 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43754 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43755 headed. You are a Communist.
43757 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43758 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43759 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43760 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43762 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43763 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43764 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43765 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43770 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43771 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43774 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43777 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43780 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43783 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43785 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43786 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43787 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43789 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43792 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43793 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43795 Teachers have class.
43798 Having someone to blame.
43800 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43803 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43804 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43805 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43806 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43807 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43808 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43809 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43810 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43811 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43813 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43814 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43815 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43816 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43817 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43818 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43819 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43820 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43821 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43822 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43823 a moment and then log off.
43825 Technological progress has merely provided us
43826 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43829 Teeth for meat is in mouth
43830 Teeth for human is in soul.
43831 Win one with your body strength
43832 Win many with your mind strength
43833 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43835 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43836 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43838 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43839 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43840 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43841 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43845 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43846 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43847 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43850 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43851 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43852 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43853 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43855 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43858 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43861 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43862 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43864 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43868 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43869 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43871 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43872 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43875 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43876 rather than each other.
43878 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43879 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43880 to touch to be sure.
43882 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43883 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43884 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43885 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43888 Tell me what to think!!!
43890 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43891 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43892 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43893 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43895 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43896 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43897 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43898 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43900 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43901 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43904 Tempt me with a spoon!
43906 Tempt not a desperate man.
43907 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43909 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43910 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43911 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43912 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43913 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43914 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43915 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43916 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43917 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43919 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43922 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43923 way of telling you to stop writing.
43926 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43927 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43928 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43929 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43930 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43931 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43932 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43933 It sleeps well the horned head:
43934 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43935 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43936 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43937 Your friends to death before their time.
43938 Moping, melancholy mad:
43939 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43942 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43943 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43946 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43947 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43948 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43949 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43950 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43952 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43953 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43954 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43955 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43956 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43957 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43958 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43959 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43960 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43961 contemptuously rejected it.
43962 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43963 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43967 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43968 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43969 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43970 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43971 the solution will turn blue-green.
43973 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
43974 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43976 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
43981 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
43982 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
43983 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
43986 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
43987 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
43988 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
43989 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
43990 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
43991 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
43992 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
43993 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
43994 called you from here."
43996 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
43999 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44001 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44002 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
44003 -- J. Finnegan, USC
44005 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44008 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44009 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44011 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44013 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44014 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44016 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
44019 That does not compute.
44021 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
44022 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
44023 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
44024 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
44026 That feeling just came over me.
44027 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44029 That government is best which governs least.
44030 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44032 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44033 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44034 in the same way as us.
44035 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44043 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44046 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44048 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44049 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44050 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44053 That, that is not, is not.
44054 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44055 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44057 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44058 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44059 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44060 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44061 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44062 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44063 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44065 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44067 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44070 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
44071 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
44072 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
44075 That's always the way when you discover
44076 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
44082 How much does it cost?
44084 I only have a dollar.
44087 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
44088 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
44089 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
44090 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
44091 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
44093 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
44094 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
44095 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44100 That's odd. That's very odd.
44101 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
44103 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
44106 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
44107 -- Woody Allen, on sex
44109 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
44110 really hate is lousy programmers.
44111 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
44113 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
44114 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
44117 That's what she said.
44119 That's where the money was.
44120 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
44122 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
44125 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
44128 The 357.73 Theory --
44129 Auditors always reject expense accounts
44130 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
44132 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
44134 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
44135 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
44136 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
44138 The Abrams' Principle:
44139 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
44141 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
44144 The absent ones are always at fault.
44146 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
44149 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44150 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44152 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44155 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44156 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44157 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44158 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44159 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44160 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44162 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44163 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44164 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44166 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44167 -- Thomas Jefferson
44169 The Advertising Agency Song:
44171 When your client's hopping mad,
44172 Put his picture in the ad.
44173 If he still should prove refractory,
44174 Add a picture of his factory.
44176 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44177 he is already degraded.
44180 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44181 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44184 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44185 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44187 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44188 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44191 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44193 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44195 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44196 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44199 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44200 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44201 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44203 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44204 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44208 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44209 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44210 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44212 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44213 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44214 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44217 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44218 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44220 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44223 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
44224 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44225 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44227 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44228 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44229 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44230 even better, nobody has to play it.
44231 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44233 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44234 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44236 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44238 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44241 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44242 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44245 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44246 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44247 --Salvador De Madariaga
44249 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44250 -- Albertano of Brescia
44252 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44253 doctors nor lawyers.
44256 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44257 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44258 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44259 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44260 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44261 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44262 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44263 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
44264 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44265 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44266 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44267 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
44268 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44269 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44270 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44271 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44272 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44273 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44274 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44275 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44276 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44278 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44279 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44280 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44281 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44282 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44283 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44284 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44285 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44286 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44287 fire-fighting aircraft.
44289 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44291 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44293 Four day work week,
44294 Two ply toilet paper!
44296 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44297 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44298 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44300 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44301 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44302 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44303 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44304 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44305 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44306 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44309 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44310 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44311 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44312 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44313 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44315 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44316 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44317 and color, but also on ability.
44320 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44323 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44324 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44325 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44328 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44329 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44331 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44332 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44333 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44334 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44335 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44336 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44337 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44338 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44339 and therefore do not exist.
44341 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44343 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44344 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44345 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44347 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44348 the morning feeling just terrible.
44351 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44353 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44354 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44356 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44358 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44359 one graveyard to another.
44360 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44362 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44363 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44364 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44368 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44369 average man can see better than he can think.
44371 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44372 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44373 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44375 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44376 carries any reward.
44377 -- John Maynard Keynes
44379 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44380 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44382 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44384 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44385 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44386 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44387 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44388 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44390 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44391 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44392 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44393 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44395 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44396 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44397 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44398 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44399 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44400 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44401 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44402 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44403 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44404 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44405 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44406 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44408 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44410 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44411 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44412 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44413 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44414 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44415 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44416 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44417 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44418 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44419 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44420 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44421 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44422 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44424 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44425 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44426 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
44427 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
44428 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
44429 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44432 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
44434 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
44435 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
44437 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
44438 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
44441 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
44444 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
44445 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
44447 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
44448 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
44449 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
44450 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
44451 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
44452 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
44454 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
44456 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
44459 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
44461 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
44465 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
44468 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
44469 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
44470 by judging things by their price.
44472 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
44473 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
44474 them while they do it.
44475 -- Theodore Roosevelt
44477 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
44479 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
44482 The best man for the job is often a woman.
44484 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
44486 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
44488 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
44489 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
44492 The best prophet of the future is the past.
44494 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
44495 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
44497 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
44498 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
44499 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
44500 being read by a corpse.
44502 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
44503 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
44504 drifting side by side to our common doom.
44507 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
44508 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
44510 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
44512 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
44514 The best things in life are for a fee.
44516 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
44518 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
44520 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
44522 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
44524 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
44526 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
44530 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
44531 smoke is a right worth dying for.
44533 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
44534 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
44535 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
44536 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
44537 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
44538 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
44539 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
44541 The best you get is an even break.
44544 The better part of valor is discretion.
44545 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
44547 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
44548 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
44551 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
44552 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
44553 It's just that they need more supervision.
44555 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
44556 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
44559 The Bible on letters of reference:
44561 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
44562 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
44563 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
44564 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
44565 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
44567 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
44570 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
44571 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
44572 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
44573 hungry all the time?
44575 The bigger the theory the better.
44577 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
44579 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
44582 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
44583 working for someone else.
44585 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
44588 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
44589 and the bird is on the wing.
44592 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
44593 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
44594 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
44595 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
44596 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
44597 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
44598 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
44599 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
44601 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
44603 The bogosity meter just pegged.
44605 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
44606 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
44608 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
44609 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
44611 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
44612 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
44613 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
44614 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
44615 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
44616 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
44617 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
44618 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44620 The boy stood on the burning deck,
44621 Eating peanuts by the peck.
44622 His father called him, but he could not go,
44623 For he loved those peanuts so.
44625 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
44626 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
44628 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
44629 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
44630 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
44631 one, and convert to the next higher units.
44633 The British are coming! The British are coming!
44635 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
44636 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
44637 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44639 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
44640 and humiliating reality.
44643 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
44644 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
44645 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
44646 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
44647 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44649 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
44650 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
44651 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
44654 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
44655 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
44658 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
44659 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
44660 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
44661 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
44664 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
44665 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
44666 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
44667 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
44669 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
44670 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
44671 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
44672 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
44673 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
44675 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
44678 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
44679 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
44681 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
44682 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
44685 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
44686 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
44687 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
44688 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
44690 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44692 The camel has a single hump;
44694 Or else the other way around.
44695 I'm never sure. Are you?
44698 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
44699 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
44700 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
44701 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
44704 The carbonyl is polarized,
44705 The delta end is plus.
44706 The nucleophile will thus attack,
44707 The carbon nucleus.
44708 Addition makes an alcohol,
44709 Of types there are but three.
44710 It makes a bond, to correspond,
44711 From C to shining C.
44712 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
44714 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
44715 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
44717 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
44719 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44722 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44726 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44727 at the steam fitters picnic.
44729 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
44732 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44735 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44738 The church is near but the road is icy,
44739 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44742 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44745 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44746 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44747 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44749 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44751 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44754 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44755 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44756 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44757 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44758 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44759 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44760 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44762 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44764 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44765 is when he fills out a job application form.
44766 -- Stanley J. Randall
44768 The clothes have no emperor.
44769 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44771 The coast was clear.
44774 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44775 intellectual nakedness.
44776 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44778 The Commandments of the EE:
44780 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44781 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44782 embarrassing manner.
44783 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44784 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44785 earthly vale of tears.
44786 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44787 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44788 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44790 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44791 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44794 The Commandments of the EE:
44796 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44797 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44798 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44799 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44800 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44801 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44802 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44803 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44804 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44805 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44806 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44807 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44808 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44809 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44810 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44812 The Commandments of the EE:
44814 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44815 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44816 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44817 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44818 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44819 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44820 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44821 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44822 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44823 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44824 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44825 innocent-seeming device.
44827 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44829 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44831 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44832 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44833 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44837 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44838 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44841 The Computer made me do it.
44843 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44846 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44847 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44849 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44851 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44853 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44854 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44855 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44857 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44859 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44860 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44861 every bird watcher in the country.
44862 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44864 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44865 than what we've got!
44867 The Consultant's Curse:
44868 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44869 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44870 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44872 The control of the production of wealth
44873 is the control of human life itself.
44876 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44877 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44878 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44879 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44881 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44883 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44885 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44888 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44890 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44892 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44893 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44894 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44895 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44897 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44899 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44902 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44903 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44904 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44905 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44906 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44909 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44910 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce
44912 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44915 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44917 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
44919 The Crown is full of it!
44920 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44922 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44923 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44924 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44925 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44926 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44927 of all our rights and privileges.
44928 -- William Ellery Channing
44931 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44932 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44935 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44938 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44939 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44941 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44942 Every class is unfit to govern.
44945 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44946 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44947 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44948 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44949 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
44950 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44951 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44952 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44953 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44955 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44956 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44957 -- Henry David Thoreau
44959 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44961 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44962 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44963 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44964 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44965 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44966 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44967 -- Thomas Jefferson
44969 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44971 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44974 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44975 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44976 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44978 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
44980 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
44981 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
44982 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
44983 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
44985 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
44987 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
44988 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
44990 The degree of civilization in a society
44991 can be judged by entering its prisons.
44994 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
44995 proportional to the level of management.
44997 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
44998 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
44999 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45001 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45002 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45003 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45004 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45005 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45006 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45008 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45009 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45010 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45012 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
45013 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45014 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45015 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45016 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45017 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45018 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45019 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45021 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45024 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45025 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45027 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45029 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45032 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45034 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45036 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45038 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45039 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45042 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45043 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45044 it would be a calamity.
45045 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45047 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45048 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45050 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45051 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45052 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45054 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45055 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45056 is thinking that they're conspiring.
45059 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
45060 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
45062 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
45064 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
45065 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
45067 The difference between reality and unreality
45068 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
45071 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
45072 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
45075 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
45076 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
45077 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
45078 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
45079 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
45081 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
45082 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
45083 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
45085 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
45087 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
45088 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
45091 The difference between this place and yogurt
45092 is that yogurt has a live culture.
45094 The difference between us is not very far,
45095 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
45097 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
45100 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
45102 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
45103 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
45104 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
45107 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
45109 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
45111 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
45112 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
45115 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
45116 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
45118 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
45119 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
45120 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
45121 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
45122 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
45123 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
45124 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
45125 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
45126 Jews won't go near them."
45127 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
45129 The distinction between true and false appears to become
45130 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
45133 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
45134 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
45136 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
45137 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
45138 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
45141 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
45142 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
45143 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
45145 The door is the key.
45147 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
45148 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
45149 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
45150 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
45152 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45153 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45155 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45159 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45161 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45163 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45164 and owns the worm farm.
45167 The early worm gets the bird.
45169 The early worm gets the late bird.
45171 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45173 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45176 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45177 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45179 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45180 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45181 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45182 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45183 valuable possession to him.
45185 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45186 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45187 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45188 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45189 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45190 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45191 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45194 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45195 weather forecasters.
45196 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45198 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45199 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45202 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45204 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45205 Compute' -- I forget which."
45206 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45208 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45209 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45210 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
45211 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45212 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45213 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
45214 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45215 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45216 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45217 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45218 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45219 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45220 wall when the revolution came'.
45222 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45223 -- Buckminster Fuller
45225 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45227 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45229 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45231 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45232 symposium to follow.
45234 The ends justify the means.
45235 -- after Matthew Prior
45237 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45238 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45239 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45240 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45243 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45244 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45245 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45247 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45248 their children to speak it.
45249 -- George Bernard Shaw
45251 The English instinctively admire any man
45252 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45253 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45255 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45256 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45257 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45258 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45259 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45260 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45261 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45262 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45264 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45265 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45266 "A rich, Jewish family."
45268 "A German aristocrat."
45269 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45270 "I spent most of my life in England."
45271 "How did you make a living there?"
45272 "A friend supported me."
45273 "Where did you get the money from?"
45274 "He owned a textile factory."
45276 "Never heard of him."
45277 "What is your name?"
45280 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45281 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45282 a substitute for intelligence.
45285 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45288 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45291 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45292 is the most likely to be correct.
45293 -- William of Occam
45295 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45296 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45297 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45298 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45299 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45300 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45301 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45302 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45303 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45306 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45308 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45309 All the livelong day;
45310 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45311 You cannot get away;
45312 Do not think you can escape them
45313 From night 'til early in the morn;
45314 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45315 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45316 -- University of Texas' school song
45318 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45319 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45320 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45321 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45323 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45324 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45327 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
45328 in general as no other can.
45331 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45334 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45335 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45339 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45341 The farther you go, the less you know.
45342 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45344 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45345 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45347 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45348 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45349 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45350 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45351 so long as they are Tories.
45352 -- Christopher Booker
45354 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45357 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45358 -- The Grateful Dead
45360 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45361 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45363 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45364 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45365 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45366 of their own homes.
45367 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45372 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45373 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45374 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45376 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45377 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45378 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45379 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45381 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45382 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45384 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45385 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45386 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45387 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45388 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45389 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45390 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45391 for them to despise science fiction.
45392 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
45394 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45395 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45396 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45397 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45398 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45399 center at Notre Dame."
45400 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45403 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45404 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45405 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45406 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45407 and become lesbians."
45409 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45410 (1) write down the problem.
45411 (2) think very hard.
45412 (3) write down the answer.
45413 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45416 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45418 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45419 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45421 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45423 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45425 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
45426 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
45428 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
45430 -- John Quincy Adams
45432 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
45433 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
45434 to man are contained in it.
45437 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
45438 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
45439 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
45442 The First Commandment for Technicians:
45443 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45444 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45445 untechnician-like manner.
45447 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
45450 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
45451 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
45452 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
45453 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
45454 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
45455 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
45456 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
45457 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
45458 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
45459 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
45460 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
45461 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
45462 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
45463 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
45464 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
45465 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
45466 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
45467 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
45468 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
45469 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
45471 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
45472 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
45474 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
45475 and the second half by our children.
45478 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
45479 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
45481 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
45482 management is that success equals skill.
45485 The first requisite for immortality is death.
45488 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
45489 child, was propounded to me by my father:
45490 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
45492 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
45494 "A herring," said my father.
45495 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
45496 "So hang it there."
45497 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
45499 "But a herring isn't wet."
45500 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
45501 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
45503 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
45505 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
45507 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
45510 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45513 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
45514 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
45515 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
45517 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
45520 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
45524 The first thing I do in the morning
45525 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
45528 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
45529 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
45531 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
45532 The second, a trick.
45533 Later, it's a well-established technique!
45534 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
45536 The first version always gets thrown away.
45538 The five rules of Socialism:
45541 2. If you do think, don't speak.
45542 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
45543 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
45544 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
45546 -- being told in Poland, 1987
45548 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
45550 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
45551 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
45553 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
45556 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
45557 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
45559 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
45560 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
45561 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
45562 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
45564 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
45565 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
45566 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
45569 The following statement is not true.
45570 The previous statement is true.
45572 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
45574 1. You can't push on a string.
45575 2. Ain't no free lunches.
45576 3. Them as has, gets.
45577 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
45579 The Force is what holds everything together.
45580 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
45581 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
45583 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
45584 completely surrounded by people who want some.
45585 -- Dwight MacDonald
45587 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
45588 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
45589 rests on mutual help.
45592 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
45593 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
45595 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
45596 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
45598 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
45599 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
45601 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
45602 if the character does not have fire resistance.
45603 -- README file from the NetHack game
45605 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
45609 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
45610 -- Somerset Maugham
45612 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
45613 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
45615 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
45616 of both parties tactfully interferes.
45617 -- G. K. Chesterton
45619 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
45620 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
45621 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
45623 The future is a myth created by insurance
45624 salesmen and high school counselors.
45626 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
45629 The future is going to be boring.
45632 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
45634 The future lies ahead.
45636 The future not being born, my friend,
45637 we will abstain from baptizing it.
45640 The garden is in mourning;
45641 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
45642 Summer shivers quietly
45643 On its way towards its end.
45645 Golden leaf after leaf
45646 Falls from the tall acacia.
45647 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
45648 In this dying dream of a garden.
45650 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
45651 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
45653 Close her weary eyes.
45654 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
45656 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
45658 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
45659 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
45660 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
45663 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
45665 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
45667 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
45670 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
45671 remember her first husband.
45673 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
45675 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
45678 The glances over cocktails
45679 That seemed to be so sweet
45680 Don't seem quite so amorous
45681 Over Shredded Wheat
45683 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
45684 least until we've finished building it.
45686 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
45687 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
45689 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
45690 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
45692 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
45696 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
45697 He who has the gold makes the rules.
45699 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
45700 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
45701 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
45702 man in the bonds of Hell.
45705 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
45709 The good (I am convinced, for one)
45710 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
45711 Once your reputation's done
45712 You can live a life of fun.
45715 The good life was so elusive
45716 It really got me down
45717 I had to regain some confidence
45718 So I got into camaflouge
45720 The good time is approaching,
45721 The season is at hand.
45722 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45723 Will be heard throughout the land.
45724 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45725 Budless are the trees.
45726 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45727 Is borne upon the breeze.
45728 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45731 If a string has one end, it has another.
45733 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45734 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45735 and they can't fire it.
45737 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45738 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45739 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45740 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45741 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45742 down anything he damn well pleases.
45743 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45745 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45746 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45747 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45749 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45751 -- George Washington
45753 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45754 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45755 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45756 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45757 "Send Lord Combermere."
45758 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45759 Combermere a fool."
45760 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45761 -- G. W. E. Russell
45763 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45764 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45767 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45768 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45769 -- Benjamin Franklin
45771 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45773 The grave's a fine and private place,
45774 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45777 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45778 -- Charles de Gaulle
45780 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45781 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45782 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45783 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45784 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45786 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45788 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45789 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45791 The Great Movie Posters:
45793 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45794 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45795 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45797 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45798 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45799 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45801 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45802 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45803 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45804 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45805 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45807 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45808 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45809 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45811 The Great Movie Posters:
45813 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45815 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45817 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45818 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45820 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45822 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45824 The family that slays together stays together.
45825 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45827 The Great Movie Posters:
45829 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45832 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45833 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45834 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45836 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45839 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45842 The Great Movie Posters:
45844 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45845 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45846 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45847 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45849 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45850 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45852 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45853 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45854 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45855 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45856 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45858 They're Over-Exposed
45859 But Not Under-Developed!
45860 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45862 The Great Movie Posters:
45864 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45865 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45867 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45868 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45869 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45871 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45872 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45873 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45875 The Great Movie Posters:
45877 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45878 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45880 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45881 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45883 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45884 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45886 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45887 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45889 The Great Movie Posters:
45891 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45892 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45893 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45896 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45897 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45900 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45901 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45902 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45903 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45904 was a girl in love!
45905 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45906 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45908 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45909 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45911 The Great Movie Posters:
45913 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45914 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45916 She Sins in Mobile --
45917 Marries in Houston --
45918 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45919 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45920 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45923 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45924 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45926 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45927 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45928 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45929 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45930 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45931 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45933 The Great Movie Posters:
45935 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45936 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45937 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45938 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45939 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45940 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45941 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45942 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45945 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45946 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45948 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45949 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45950 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45951 give you the wim-wams!
45952 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45954 The Great Movie Posters:
45956 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45957 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45958 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45959 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45961 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45962 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45964 It's always better when you come again!
45965 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45967 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45970 The Great Movie Posters:
45972 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45973 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45974 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
45976 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
45978 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
45981 TOMORROW the World!
45984 The Great Movie Posters:
45986 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
45987 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
45994 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
45995 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
45996 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
45997 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
45998 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
45999 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46000 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46001 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46002 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46003 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46005 The Great Movie Posters:
46007 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46008 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46010 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46011 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46012 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46013 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46014 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46015 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46017 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46019 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46021 The Great Movie Posters:
46023 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46024 horror on a screaming world!
46025 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46027 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
46029 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46031 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46032 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46033 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46034 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46036 The Great Movie Posters:
46038 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46039 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46040 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46042 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46043 -- The French Line (1954)
46045 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46046 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46048 The Great Movie Posters:
46050 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
46052 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
46054 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
46055 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
46057 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
46058 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
46059 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
46061 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
46065 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
46066 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
46067 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
46070 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
46071 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
46072 answered themselves.
46075 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
46076 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
46077 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
46079 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
46080 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
46082 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
46085 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
46086 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
46087 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
46088 their wives and daughters to his arms.
46089 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
46091 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
46094 The Greatest Mathematical Error
46095 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
46096 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
46097 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
46098 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
46099 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
46100 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
46101 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
46102 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
46103 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
46104 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
46106 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
46107 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46109 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
46111 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
46114 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
46116 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
46117 it delivers its message and then disappears.
46119 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
46120 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
46121 would have been useful to the chicken.
46123 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
46125 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
46128 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
46129 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
46131 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
46134 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
46135 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
46137 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
46138 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
46139 author's name on the title page.
46140 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
46142 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
46143 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
46145 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
46146 of functions performed by private citizens.
46147 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46149 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46150 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46152 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46155 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46157 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46159 The heaviest object in the world is the
46160 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46161 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46163 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46164 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46166 The help people need most urgently is
46167 help in admitting that they need help.
46169 The herd instinct among economists
46170 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
46172 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46173 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46174 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46175 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46176 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46177 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46179 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46181 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46182 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46183 least 5000 years old."
46185 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46186 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46188 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46189 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46190 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46191 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46192 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46194 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46196 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46197 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46200 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46202 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46204 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46205 pretext that your brother did it.
46207 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46210 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46211 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46214 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46215 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46218 The horror... the horror!
46220 The human animal differs from the lesser
46221 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
46224 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46225 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46226 -- Sir George Jessel
46228 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46229 has gills through which it can see.
46232 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
46233 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46235 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
46236 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
46239 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
46240 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
46241 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
46242 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
46243 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
46244 certain degree of awe.
46245 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46247 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46250 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46251 procession but carrying a banner.
46254 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46257 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46258 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46261 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46262 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46265 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46266 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46268 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46271 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46272 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46273 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46276 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46277 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46278 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46279 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46280 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46281 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46282 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46283 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46284 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46285 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46287 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46288 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46291 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46292 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46293 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46294 -- John Maynard Keyes
46296 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46299 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46301 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46304 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46308 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46309 A program is a lot like a nose:
46310 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46312 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46314 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46316 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46317 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46318 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46321 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46322 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46323 important thing to people.
46324 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46326 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46327 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46328 -- Bertrand Russell
46330 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46331 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46334 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46335 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46336 pointer and a mark.
46337 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46339 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46340 number of participants.
46343 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46344 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46345 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46346 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46347 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46348 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46349 overturning everything.
46350 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46352 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
46353 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
46355 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46356 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46357 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46358 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46360 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46361 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46362 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46363 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46365 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46366 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46369 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46370 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46371 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46372 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46373 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46376 The Junior God now heads the roll
46377 In the list of heaven's peers;
46378 He sits in the House of High Control,
46379 And he regulates the spheres.
46380 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46381 If, even in gods divine,
46382 The best and wisest may not be those
46383 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46386 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46387 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46388 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46389 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46390 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46391 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46392 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46393 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46394 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46395 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46396 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46397 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46398 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46399 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46400 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46401 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46403 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46404 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46407 The Kennedy Constant:
46408 Don't get mad -- get even.
46410 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46413 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46414 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46415 advantage to see the truth.
46416 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46418 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46420 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46421 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46423 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46425 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
46426 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
46428 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
46429 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
46432 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
46433 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
46434 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
46436 The knowledge that makes us cherish
46437 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
46440 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
46441 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
46442 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
46443 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
46444 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
46445 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
46446 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
46447 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
46448 And now, just look at me."
46450 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
46451 Would shudder at a wicked word.
46452 Their candle gives a single light;
46453 They'd rather stay at home at night.
46454 They do not keep awake till three,
46455 Nor read erotic poetry.
46456 They never sanction the impure,
46457 Nor recognize an overture.
46458 They shrink from powders and from paints...
46459 So far, I've had no complaints.
46462 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
46463 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
46464 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
46466 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
46469 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
46470 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
46472 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
46474 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
46477 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
46481 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
46482 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
46485 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
46488 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
46489 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
46492 The Law of the Letter:
46493 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
46495 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
46496 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46498 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
46500 -- Henry David Thoreau
46502 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
46503 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
46504 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
46508 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
46509 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
46510 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
46511 give a public reading of his latest poem.
46512 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
46513 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
46514 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
46515 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
46516 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
46517 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
46519 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
46520 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
46521 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
46522 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
46523 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
46524 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
46525 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
46526 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
46527 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
46529 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46531 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
46532 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
46533 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
46534 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
46535 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
46536 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
46537 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
46538 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
46539 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46541 The Least Successful Collector
46542 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
46543 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
46544 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
46545 works of Shakespeare.
46546 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
46547 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
46548 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
46549 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
46550 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
46551 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
46552 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46554 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
46555 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
46556 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
46557 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
46559 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
46560 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
46561 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
46562 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
46563 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
46564 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
46566 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46568 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
46569 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
46570 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
46571 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
46572 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
46574 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46576 The Least Successful Executions
46577 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
46578 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
46579 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
46580 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
46581 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
46582 punishment, he was reprieved.
46583 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
46584 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
46585 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
46586 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
46587 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
46588 to America and lived until 1933.
46589 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46591 The Least Successful Police Dogs
46592 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
46593 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
46594 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
46595 offend the criminal classes.
46596 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
46597 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
46598 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
46599 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
46600 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
46602 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
46603 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
46604 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
46605 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
46606 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46608 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
46611 The less time planning, the more time programming.
46613 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
46615 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
46616 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
46617 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
46618 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
46619 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
46620 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
46621 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
46622 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
46624 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
46626 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
46627 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
46628 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
46631 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
46633 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
46634 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
46635 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
46636 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
46637 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
46638 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
46640 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
46642 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
46643 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
46644 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
46645 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
46646 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
46648 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
46649 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
46650 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
46651 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
46653 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
46654 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
46656 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
46659 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
46660 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
46661 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
46664 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
46666 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
46667 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
46668 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
46669 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
46670 it travels across the screen.
46672 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
46674 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
46675 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
46676 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
46677 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
46679 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
46681 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
46682 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
46683 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
46684 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
46685 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
46687 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
46689 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
46690 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
46691 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
46692 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
46693 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
46694 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
46695 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
46696 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
46697 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
46698 who end up using this language.
46700 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
46702 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
46703 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
46704 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
46705 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
46706 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
46707 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
46708 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
46709 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
46710 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
46712 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
46715 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
46718 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46721 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46723 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46725 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46727 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46728 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46731 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46732 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46735 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46736 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46738 The little town that time forgot,
46739 Where all the women are strong,
46740 The men are good-looking,
46741 And the children above-average.
46742 -- Prairie Home Companion
46744 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46745 door with a basket of kittens.
46746 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46747 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46748 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46749 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46750 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46751 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46752 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46753 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46755 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46756 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46757 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46760 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46763 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46765 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46766 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46768 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46769 we could with both of them.
46770 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46772 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46773 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46775 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46779 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46780 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46782 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46783 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46784 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46785 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46786 steel through your last meal!'
46787 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46789 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46791 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46792 Are of imagination all compact...
46793 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46795 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46797 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46798 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46800 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46803 The major advances in civilization are processes
46804 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46807 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46808 bonds will eventually mature.
46810 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46813 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46817 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46818 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46822 The makers may make,
46823 And the users may use,
46824 But the fixers must fix
46825 With but minimal clues.
46827 The man she had was kind and clean
46828 And well enough for every day,
46829 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46830 The one that got away.
46831 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46833 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46834 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46835 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46837 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46838 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46839 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46840 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46841 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46842 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46843 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46844 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46845 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46846 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46847 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46848 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46850 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46851 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46853 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46855 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46858 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46861 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46862 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46864 The man who runs may fight again.
46867 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46868 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46869 -- Old Japanese proverb
46871 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46872 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46875 The man who understands one woman is
46876 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46879 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46880 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46883 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46884 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46887 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46890 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46892 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46893 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46894 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46896 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46897 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46900 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46901 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46902 master calls a butterfly.
46903 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46905 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46906 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46907 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46909 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46911 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46913 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46914 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46915 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46917 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46920 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46922 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46923 always end up on their ends without any means.
46926 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46927 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46929 The meek don't want it.
46931 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46933 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46935 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46936 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46938 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46941 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46943 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46945 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46946 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46948 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46950 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46951 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46954 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46955 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46957 -- Winston Churchill
46959 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46960 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46961 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46962 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46964 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46965 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46968 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46969 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46972 The operation completed successfully.
46974 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46975 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
46977 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
46979 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
46980 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
46981 being who produces the impressions.
46982 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
46984 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
46985 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
46986 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
46987 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
46988 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
46989 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
46991 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
46994 The Modelski Chain Rule:
46995 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
46996 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
46998 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
46999 bright-looking individual.
47000 3: Procure a large chain.
47001 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47002 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47003 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47004 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47006 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47007 -- Laurence J. Peter
47009 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47010 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47012 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47014 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47015 -- Nicol Williamson
47017 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47019 The moon is made of green cheese.
47022 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47024 The Moral Majority is neither.
47026 The more control, the more that requires control.
47028 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47029 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47031 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47033 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47034 lower the mailing cost.
47035 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47037 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47039 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47040 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47042 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47043 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47045 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47046 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
47049 The more the merrier.
47052 The more they over-think the plumbing
47053 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
47055 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
47058 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
47060 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
47062 The more we disagree, the more chance
47063 there is that at least one of us is right.
47065 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
47067 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
47069 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
47070 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
47071 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
47073 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
47075 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
47078 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
47080 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
47081 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
47082 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
47083 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
47084 have the good fortune to find one.
47087 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
47088 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
47089 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
47092 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
47093 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
47096 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
47097 -- American proverb
47099 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
47102 b) The American Nazi Party
47103 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
47105 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
47106 the country is the one on which you resell it.
47109 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
47110 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
47112 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
47113 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
47114 -- Theodore H. White
47116 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
47118 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
47119 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
47120 -- Alfred De Musset
47122 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
47123 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
47126 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
47127 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
47128 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
47129 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
47130 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
47131 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
47132 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
47133 starts a long, long time before the event.
47134 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
47135 from "Congress Eate It Up"
47137 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
47138 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
47141 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
47142 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
47143 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
47145 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47147 The most important early product on the way
47148 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47150 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47151 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47153 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47154 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47157 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47159 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47160 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47162 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47163 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47164 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47166 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47167 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47168 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47169 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47170 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47171 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47172 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47173 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47174 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47175 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47176 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47177 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47178 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47179 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47180 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47181 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47182 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47183 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47184 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47185 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47186 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47187 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47188 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47189 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47190 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
47191 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47193 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47194 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47198 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47199 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47200 them were fishermen.
47203 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47204 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47205 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47206 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47207 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47208 to commit adultery.
47209 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47210 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47211 the printers L3,000.
47212 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47214 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47215 children for their insurance money.
47218 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47220 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47221 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47222 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47223 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47225 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47226 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47227 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47229 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47230 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47232 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47233 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47235 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47236 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47239 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47240 Support your right to bare arms!
47242 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47245 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47248 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47249 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47250 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47251 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
47253 The net of law is spread so wide,
47254 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47255 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47256 They take in every child of wrong.
47257 O wondrous web of mystery!
47258 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47259 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47261 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47262 I hope I don't get run over again.
47264 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47265 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47268 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47270 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47271 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47273 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
47274 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47278 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47279 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47280 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47281 and running the country ...
47282 -- Robert J Woodhead
47284 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47285 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47288 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47289 The last thing I said was false.
47291 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47292 -- Lucille S. Harper
47294 The nice thing about standards
47295 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
47296 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47298 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47300 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47301 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47303 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47304 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47305 I'm burnt around the edges,
47306 But I'm tender in the middle.
47309 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47310 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47311 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47312 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47313 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47315 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
47316 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
47317 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47319 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47320 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47321 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47322 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47325 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47329 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47330 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47332 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47335 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47336 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47338 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47339 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47341 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47342 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47343 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47346 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
47347 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
47348 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
47351 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
47352 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47354 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47356 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47358 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47360 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
47361 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
47362 of Corporate Planning."
47364 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47366 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47367 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47368 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47369 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47371 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47373 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47374 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47375 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47376 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47377 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47378 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47380 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47381 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47382 more like fourteen.
47383 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47385 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47386 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47387 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47388 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47389 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47391 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47392 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
47395 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47396 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
47398 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47400 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
47401 Let the reader catch his own breath.
47402 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47404 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
47405 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
47408 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47411 The one good thing about repeating your
47412 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
47414 The one L lama, he's a priest
47415 The two L llama, he's a beast
47416 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47417 There isn't any three L lllama.
47418 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47419 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47421 The One Page Principle:
47422 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47423 cannot be understood.
47426 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47427 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47429 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47432 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47435 The only constant is change.
47437 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47438 right turn on a red light.
47441 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47442 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47444 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47446 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47447 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47450 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47451 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47452 -- The Indianapolis Star
47454 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47456 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47458 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47459 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47460 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47461 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47462 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47463 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47464 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47465 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47466 it and are delighted.
47469 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47472 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47473 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47474 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
47477 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47480 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47481 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47482 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47483 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47484 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47486 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47489 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47491 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47493 The only possible interpretation of any research
47494 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
47495 -- Ernest Rutherford
47497 The only problem with being a man of leisure
47498 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
47500 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47503 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47504 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47505 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47506 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47509 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47510 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47511 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47512 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47514 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47516 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47517 for getting acquainted.
47520 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47521 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47524 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47526 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
47527 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
47528 finished, and put inside boxes.
47529 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47531 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
47532 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
47535 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
47536 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47538 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
47540 The only thing better than love is milk.
47542 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
47544 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
47546 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
47548 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
47549 the first one was useless.
47550 -- Nicolas Chamfort
47552 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
47555 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
47556 the lessons that history has to teach.
47559 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
47562 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
47563 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
47564 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
47565 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
47567 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
47571 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
47573 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
47575 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
47576 he has lost over the years.
47577 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
47579 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
47582 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
47586 The only way to amuse some people
47587 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
47589 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
47592 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
47593 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
47596 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
47599 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
47600 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
47601 -- Jean de la Bruyere
47603 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
47606 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
47607 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47610 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47613 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
47615 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
47617 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
47618 and the pessimist knows it.
47619 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
47621 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
47622 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
47623 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
47624 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
47626 The optimum committee has no members.
47627 -- Norman Augustine
47629 The opulence of the front office door varies
47630 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
47632 The orders come down and they march us away.
47633 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
47634 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
47635 But it's better than working for Xerox.
47636 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
47638 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
47642 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
47645 The other line moves faster.
47647 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
47648 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
47649 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
47650 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
47651 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
47652 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
47653 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
47654 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
47655 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
47656 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
47657 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
47658 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
47660 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
47662 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
47663 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
47665 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
47666 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
47667 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
47668 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
47670 The past always looks better than it was.
47671 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
47672 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
47674 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
47675 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
47678 The people sensible enough to give
47679 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
47681 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
47682 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
47683 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
47684 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
47685 person you have always wanted to be.
47688 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
47691 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
47692 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
47696 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
47698 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
47700 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
47702 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
47704 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
47705 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
47706 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
47707 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
47709 The philosopher's treatment of a question
47710 is like the treatment of an illness.
47713 The Phone Booth Rule:
47714 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
47716 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
47717 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
47718 Let others think his heart is big,
47719 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47722 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47723 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47724 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47725 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47726 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47729 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47732 The plural of spouse is spice.
47734 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47735 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47736 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47739 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47740 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47741 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47742 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47743 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47744 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47745 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47746 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47747 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47748 the higher emotions.
47749 She would me "Honey" call,
47750 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47751 But now alas! She's left me
47753 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47754 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47755 The fives did fit her shoe.
47756 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47757 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47758 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47759 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47760 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47761 worst poet in England."
47762 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47764 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47765 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47768 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47769 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47770 save your sanity for later.
47772 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47773 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47774 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47775 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47776 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47778 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47781 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47782 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47783 -- Buckminster Fuller
47785 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47786 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47789 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47792 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47795 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47796 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47798 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47800 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47801 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47802 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47803 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47806 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47807 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47808 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47809 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47811 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47812 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47813 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47815 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47817 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47818 they might force their beliefs on us.
47821 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47824 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47825 knowledge of its ugly side.
47828 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47829 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47830 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47832 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47834 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47835 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47837 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47838 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47839 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47840 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47841 program, should the value of pi change.
47842 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47844 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47845 voters to win the next election.
47847 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47848 represents the secondary theme:
47850 Law Enforcement Officials
47852 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47854 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47857 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47858 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47860 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47861 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47862 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47863 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47864 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47865 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47866 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47868 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47870 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47871 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47874 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47875 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47878 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47879 to sleep every few days.
47881 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47882 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47883 government because they could not keep up.
47886 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47887 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47890 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47891 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47892 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47894 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47896 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47899 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47900 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47901 with sloppy English.
47902 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47904 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47908 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47910 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47911 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47913 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47914 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47918 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47919 thoughts about their neighbours.
47922 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47923 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47924 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47925 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47926 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47927 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47929 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47930 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47932 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47934 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47937 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47938 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47939 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47941 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47942 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47945 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47946 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47948 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47950 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47951 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47952 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47953 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47954 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47955 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47956 remain each in their own position.
47957 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47960 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47961 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47962 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47964 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47966 The questions remain the same.
47967 The answers are eternally variable.
47969 The Rabbits The Cow
47970 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47971 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47974 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47975 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
47978 The rain it raineth on the just
47979 And also on the unjust fella:
47980 But chiefly on the just, because
47981 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
47984 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
47986 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
47987 measurement of the speed of blight.
47989 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
47990 illiterates can read.
47993 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
47996 The real man's Bloody Mary:
47997 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
47998 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48000 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48001 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48003 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48005 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48006 -- Christopher Morley
48008 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48009 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48011 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48012 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48014 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48016 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48018 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48019 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48020 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48021 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48022 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48024 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48027 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48028 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48031 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48032 is that the experience makes you wise.
48034 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
48038 The reason why worry kills more people
48039 than work is that more people worry than work.
48041 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
48042 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
48043 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
48044 -- George Bernard Shaw
48046 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
48047 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
48048 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
48049 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
48050 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
48051 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
48053 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
48054 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
48057 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
48061 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
48062 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
48063 The hen, pleased with that,
48064 Laid an egg in his hat --
48065 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
48066 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48068 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
48069 -- Japanese proverb
48071 The revolution will not be televised.
48073 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
48075 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
48078 The rhino is a homely beast,
48079 For human eyes he's not a feast.
48080 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
48081 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
48084 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
48085 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
48087 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
48088 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
48090 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
48091 and to his imagination for his facts.
48094 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
48098 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
48101 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
48102 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
48104 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
48105 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
48106 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
48107 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
48108 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
48110 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
48111 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
48112 you have and what rights you have not got.
48113 -- J. Parnell Thomas
48115 The ripest fruit falls first.
48116 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
48118 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
48121 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
48124 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
48127 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
48128 and the travelers pay the expense of it.
48132 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
48133 one who is doing it.
48135 The root of all superstition is that men
48136 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
48139 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
48141 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
48142 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
48143 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
48144 take it too seriously.
48145 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48147 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48150 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48151 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48152 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48154 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48155 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48156 it through power, violence or weapons.
48157 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48161 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48162 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48163 the console keyboard.
48164 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48165 card decks together.
48166 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48167 especially if you're already married.
48168 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48169 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48170 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48172 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48173 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48174 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48175 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48176 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48178 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48179 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48180 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48182 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48183 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48184 gesture by the individual to himself.
48185 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48187 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48189 The savior becomes the victim.
48191 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48193 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48194 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48196 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48198 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48200 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48201 showed that all had these things in common:
48203 1) They all had moderate appetites.
48204 2) They all came from middle class homes.
48205 3) All but two of them were dead.
48207 The scum also rises.
48208 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48210 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
48211 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
48212 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
48214 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48215 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48219 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48221 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48222 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48225 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48227 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48229 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48230 you've got it made.
48233 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48234 there is no humor in Heaven.
48237 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48238 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48241 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48242 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
48243 from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48244 milestones are lifted.
48245 -- George Bernard Shaw
48247 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48248 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48249 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48250 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48251 him are dead, he is alive.
48252 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48253 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48254 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48255 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48256 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48257 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48258 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48260 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48263 The sheep died in the wool.
48265 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48267 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48268 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48270 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48272 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48275 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48276 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48278 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48279 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48280 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48282 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48283 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48284 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48288 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
48289 -- [just say that five times...]
48291 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48292 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48294 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48295 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48297 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48298 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48299 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48300 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48301 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48302 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48303 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48304 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48306 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48307 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48308 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48309 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48310 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48311 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48312 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48313 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48314 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48316 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48317 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48318 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48319 one can see only a very few things at once.
48322 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48323 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48326 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48327 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48328 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48329 its theories will hold water.
48331 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48332 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48333 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48334 And slowly she let him inside.
48336 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48337 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48338 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48339 And now will you tell me why?"
48340 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48342 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48343 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48346 The solution of this problem is trivial
48347 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48349 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
48352 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48353 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48354 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48355 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48356 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48357 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48358 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48359 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48360 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48361 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48362 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48363 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48364 the table as the children gathered around him.
48365 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48366 There was total silence.
48367 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48369 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48370 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48372 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48373 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
48375 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48377 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48378 able to correct them.
48381 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48383 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48384 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48385 or further down, might dress a clown.
48386 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48387 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48388 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48389 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48390 But please don't let that get you down,
48391 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48394 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48395 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48396 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48397 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48398 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48399 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48400 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48401 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48402 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48403 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48404 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48405 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48406 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48408 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48410 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48411 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48412 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48413 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48416 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48418 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48419 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48420 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48422 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48424 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48426 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48427 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48428 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48429 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48430 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48431 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48432 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48434 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48436 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48438 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48439 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48441 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48442 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48446 The steady state of disks is full.
48449 The story of the butterfly:
48450 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48451 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48452 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48453 the third day, I heard a knock."
48454 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48455 there was nothing."
48456 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48457 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48459 The story you are about to hear is true.
48460 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48462 The street preacher looked so baffled
48463 When I asked him why he dressed
48464 With forty pounds of headlines
48465 Stapled to his chest.
48466 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48467 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48468 You see, you're just like me.
48469 I hope you're satisfied."
48472 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48474 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48476 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48477 -- Raymond Chandler
48479 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48481 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48482 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48483 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48484 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48485 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48486 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48487 by the values he wills.
48490 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48491 is an emerging underachiever.
48493 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48496 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48497 even any property taxes."
48498 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48500 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48501 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48502 -- The Silver Surfer
48504 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48505 The population is, of course, growing.
48507 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48509 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48512 The sun was shining on the sea,
48513 Shining with all his might:
48514 He did his very best to make
48515 The billows smooth and bright --
48516 And this was very odd, because it was
48517 The middle of the night.
48518 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
48520 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48521 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
48523 The superfluous is very necessary.
48526 The superior man understands what is right;
48527 the inferior man understands what will sell.
48530 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
48531 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
48532 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
48533 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
48534 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
48538 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
48540 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
48543 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
48545 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
48546 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
48549 The surest way to remain a winner is to
48550 win once, and then not play any more.
48552 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
48553 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
48554 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
48556 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
48558 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
48560 The Tao doesn't take sides;
48561 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
48562 The Guru doesn't take sides;
48563 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
48565 The Tao is like a stack:
48566 the data changes but not the structure.
48567 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
48568 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
48570 Hold on to the root.
48572 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
48573 used but never used up.
48574 It is like the extern void:
48575 filled with infinite possibilities.
48577 It is masked but always present.
48578 I don't know who built to it.
48579 It came before the first kernel.
48581 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
48582 is not the entire Tao.
48583 The path that can be specified
48584 is not the Full Path.
48586 We declare the names
48587 of all variables and functions.
48588 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
48590 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
48591 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
48593 Yet magic and hierarchy
48594 arise from the same source,
48595 and this source has a null pointer.
48597 Reference the NULL within NULL,
48598 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
48600 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
48601 artist never that he is a technician.
48602 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48604 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
48606 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
48608 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
48609 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
48610 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
48611 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
48612 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
48613 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
48614 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
48615 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
48616 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
48617 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
48618 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
48619 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
48620 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
48621 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
48622 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
48623 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
48624 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
48625 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
48626 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
48627 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
48628 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
48630 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
48631 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
48633 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
48634 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
48635 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
48636 most untechnician-like manner.
48638 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
48639 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
48642 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
48643 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
48644 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
48645 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
48646 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
48649 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
48650 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
48651 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
48653 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
48656 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
48657 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
48659 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
48661 The Third Law of Photography:
48662 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
48663 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
48664 the dark leaks out.
48666 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
48668 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
48670 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
48674 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
48677 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
48678 I need a lot of sleep.
48679 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
48681 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
48682 accurately it's called mudslinging.
48685 The Thought Police are here. They've come
48686 To put you under cardiac arrest.
48687 And as they drag you through the door
48688 They tell you that you've failed the test.
48689 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
48691 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
48693 The three biggest software lies:
48695 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
48696 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
48697 will fix the microcode.
48698 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
48700 The three laws of thermodynamics:
48701 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
48702 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
48703 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
48705 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
48707 1) Where's the bathroom?
48708 2) What time does the parade start?
48709 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
48711 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
48712 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
48714 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
48716 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
48717 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
48718 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
48720 The three rules of international air travel:
48722 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
48723 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48724 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48725 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48726 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48728 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48729 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48731 The time for action is past!
48732 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48734 The time is right to make new friends.
48736 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48737 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48740 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48741 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48742 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48743 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48744 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48745 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48746 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48747 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48748 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48749 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48750 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48754 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48757 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48759 The tree of research must from time to time
48760 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48763 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48764 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48767 The trouble with a kitten is that
48768 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48771 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48773 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48775 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48777 -- Franklin P. Jones
48779 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48780 think you have nothing more important to do.
48782 The trouble with computers is that they do
48783 what you tell them, not what you want.
48786 The trouble with doing something right the first
48787 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48789 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48790 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48793 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48794 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48797 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48798 -- George S. Kaufman
48800 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48802 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48803 always comes disguised as hard work.
48804 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48806 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48807 and then marry him.
48810 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48813 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48814 the other fellow of a dull one.
48817 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48820 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48821 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48822 all of the people all of the time.
48825 The trouble with you
48826 Is the trouble with me.
48828 But we still don't see.
48829 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48831 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48832 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48833 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48836 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48839 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48842 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48845 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48848 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48851 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48854 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48855 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48857 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48858 Which practically conceal its sex.
48859 I think it clever of the turtle
48860 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48863 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48866 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48869 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48870 -- George Bernard Shaw
48872 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48873 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48874 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48877 The two things that can get you into trouble
48878 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48880 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48881 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48884 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48885 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48886 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48887 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48889 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
48890 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48891 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48893 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48896 The ultimate game show will be the one
48897 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48898 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48900 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48901 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48903 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48904 "100 percent American"...
48905 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48907 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48909 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48912 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48914 The universe is an island,
48915 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48917 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48919 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48920 combination is locked up in the safe.
48923 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48926 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48929 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48930 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48933 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48936 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48937 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48938 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48939 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48941 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48942 and deviation standard.
48944 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48945 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48947 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48948 that I assume it must be evil.
48951 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48952 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48953 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48954 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48955 world put together.
48956 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48958 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48959 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48960 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48962 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48963 regarded as a criminal offence.
48964 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48966 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48969 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48971 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48975 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
48976 constant and regular employment of violence.
48977 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
48979 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
48983 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
48984 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
48985 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
48986 be one of the facts that needs altering.
48987 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
48989 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
48990 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48992 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
48993 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
48994 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
48995 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
48996 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
48997 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
48998 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
48999 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49000 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49002 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49003 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49006 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49009 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49010 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49011 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49012 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49013 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49014 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49015 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49017 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49018 it's just a tired feeling.
49020 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49022 The wages of sin are unreported.
49024 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49027 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49028 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49031 The water was not fit to drink.
49032 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49033 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49034 -- Winston Churchill
49036 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
49037 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
49040 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
49043 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
49045 The way to a man's heart is through his
49046 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
49047 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
49049 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
49051 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
49053 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
49055 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
49057 The way to make a small fortune in the
49058 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
49060 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
49061 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
49062 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
49063 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
49064 I feel together today!
49065 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
49067 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
49069 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
49070 but the leaves are good to smoke!
49073 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
49074 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
49075 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
49076 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
49079 The white race is the cancer of history.
49082 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
49085 The whole of life is futile unless you
49086 consider it as a sporting proposition.
49088 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
49089 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
49090 -- Bertrand Russell
49092 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
49095 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
49098 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
49101 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
49102 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
49103 It must have blown through someone's feet,
49104 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
49107 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
49108 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
49112 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
49113 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
49115 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
49117 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
49118 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
49119 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
49120 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
49121 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
49122 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
49123 to get up in the morning!"
49125 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
49126 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
49128 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
49129 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
49130 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
49131 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
49132 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
49133 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
49136 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
49137 designed for people who walk on their hands.
49138 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
49140 The world is a comedy to those who think,
49141 and a tragedy to those who feel.
49144 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
49146 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
49148 The world is coming to an end!
49149 Repent and return those library books!
49151 The world is full of people who have never, since
49152 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49155 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49156 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49159 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49161 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49162 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49163 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49164 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49166 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49168 The world really isn't any worse.
49169 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49171 The world wants to be deceived.
49174 The world's as ugly as sin,
49175 And almost as delightful
49176 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49178 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49179 nor its great scholars great men.
49180 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49182 The Worst American Poet
49183 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49184 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49185 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49186 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49188 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49189 formula was the same:
49190 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49191 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
49192 Of their death I will relate,
49193 And also others lost their life
49194 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49195 Where so many people died.
49196 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49197 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49198 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49199 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49200 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49201 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49202 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49203 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49204 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49206 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49208 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49209 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49210 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49211 sheepishly left the building.
49212 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49213 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49214 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49215 was a practical joke.
49216 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49217 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49218 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49220 The Worst Car Hire Service
49221 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49222 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49223 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49224 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49225 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49226 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49227 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49228 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49229 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49230 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49231 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49232 we might overlook that too."
49233 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49234 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49236 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49238 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49239 -- George Bernard Shaw
49241 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49243 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49244 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49245 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49246 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49248 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49250 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49254 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49255 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49256 remotest clue what was happening.
49257 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49258 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49259 The excitement which this caused was only equaled when a second
49260 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49261 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49262 was hearing a murder trial.
49263 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49264 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49265 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49266 The judge ordered a retrial.
49267 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49269 The Worst Lines of Verse
49270 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49271 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49272 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49273 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49274 laughter the instant they were read out.
49275 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49276 inspired by the subject of war.
49277 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49278 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49279 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49280 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49281 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49282 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49283 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49284 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49285 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49286 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49287 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49288 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49289 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49290 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49291 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49292 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49294 "I've measured it from side to side;
49295 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49296 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49298 The Worst Musical Trio
49299 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49300 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49301 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49302 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49303 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49304 unhampered by great musical talent.
49305 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49306 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49307 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49308 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49309 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49310 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49311 "and it will be a sell out."
49312 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49313 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49314 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49315 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49316 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49317 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49318 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49319 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49320 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49321 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49322 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49324 The worst part of having success is trying
49325 to find someone who is happy for you.
49328 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49330 The Worst Prison Guards
49331 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49332 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49333 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49334 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49335 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49336 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49337 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49338 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49339 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49340 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49341 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49342 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49343 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49344 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49346 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49347 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49348 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49349 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49350 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49351 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49352 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49354 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49355 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49356 -- George Bernard Shaw
49358 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49360 -- William Butler Yeats
49362 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49363 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49364 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49367 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
49368 They were just the first not to crash.
49370 The yankees, son, are up north.
49371 The damnyankees are down here.
49373 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49374 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49377 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49378 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49379 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49381 The young lady had an unusual list,
49382 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49383 She set no preconditions.
49385 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49386 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49387 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49388 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49389 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49390 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49391 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49392 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49393 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49394 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49397 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49399 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49400 and you'd better not refuse.
49404 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49406 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49407 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49410 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49411 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49413 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49414 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49415 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49416 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49418 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49419 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49420 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49421 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49423 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49424 The town of the cries and the groans.
49425 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49426 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49427 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49429 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49430 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49434 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49436 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49437 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49438 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49439 to the "W" on the dial.
49442 He who has a Tates is lost!
49444 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49445 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49448 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49450 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49451 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49453 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49454 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49455 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49456 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49458 Proceed by induction:
49459 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49462 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49463 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49464 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49466 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49468 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49469 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49470 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49471 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49472 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49473 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49476 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49477 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49478 it will look in print.
49480 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49483 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49484 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49485 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49487 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49488 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49489 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49490 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49491 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49492 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49493 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49495 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49497 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49499 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49500 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49503 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49504 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49507 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49508 -- Winston Churchill
49510 There are bad times just around the corner,
49511 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49512 And it's no good whining
49513 About a silver lining
49514 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49517 There are few people more often in the wrong
49518 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49520 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49521 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49522 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49524 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
49525 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
49528 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
49529 and praiseworthy ...
49530 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
49532 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
49533 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
49534 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
49537 There are many intelligent species in
49538 the universe, and they all own cats.
49540 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
49541 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
49542 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
49543 get it in the winter.
49546 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
49547 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
49548 avoiding a great deal of pain.
49550 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
49553 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
49555 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
49557 There are more things in heaven and earth,
49558 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
49561 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
49563 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
49565 There are new messages.
49567 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
49570 There are no answers, only cross-references.
49573 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
49574 are chosen correctly.
49576 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
49578 There are no games on this system.
49580 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
49581 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
49583 There are no great men, only great challenges that
49584 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
49585 -- Admiral William Halsey
49587 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
49588 -- The Duke of Wellington
49590 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
49591 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
49592 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
49593 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
49594 -- Richard Davisson
49596 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
49597 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
49599 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
49601 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
49604 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
49606 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
49607 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
49610 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
49611 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
49614 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
49615 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
49616 people who find nothing odd about it.
49619 There are places I'll remember
49620 All my life though some have changed.
49621 Some forever not for better
49622 Some have gone and some remain.
49623 All these places had their moments
49624 With lovers and friends I still recall.
49625 Some are dead and some are living,
49626 In my life I've loved them all.
49628 But of all these friends and lovers,
49629 There is no one compared with you,
49630 All these memories lose their meaning
49631 When I think of love as something new.
49632 Though I know I'll never lose affection
49633 For people and things that went before,
49634 I know I'll often stop and think about them
49635 In my life I'll love you more.
49636 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
49638 There are running jobs.
49639 Why don't you go chase them?
49641 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
49642 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
49643 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
49646 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
49647 By the men who moil for gold;
49648 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
49649 That would make your blood run cold;
49650 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
49651 But the queerest they ever did see
49652 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
49653 I cremated Sam McGee.
49654 -- Robert W. Service
49656 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
49657 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
49660 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
49661 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
49662 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
49663 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
49664 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
49665 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
49667 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
49668 -- Benjamin Disraeli
49670 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
49672 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
49673 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
49674 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
49676 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
49677 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
49678 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
49679 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
49680 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
49681 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
49682 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
49683 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
49685 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
49686 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
49688 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
49690 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
49691 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
49692 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
49693 long winter evenings.
49696 There are three rules for writing a novel.
49697 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
49700 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
49701 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
49702 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
49703 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
49704 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
49706 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
49710 There are three things I have always loved
49711 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
49713 There are three things men can do with women:
49714 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
49717 There are three ways to get something done:
49720 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
49721 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
49723 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
49726 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
49727 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49730 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49731 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49732 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49733 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49734 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49735 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49736 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49738 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49739 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49740 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49741 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49742 Man it is smokin'!"
49743 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49745 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49746 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49747 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49748 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49750 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49751 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
49752 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49754 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49755 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
49757 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49758 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49759 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49760 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49762 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49763 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49764 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49766 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49767 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49769 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49771 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49772 marriage and after marriage.
49774 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49775 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49776 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49780 There are two ways of disliking art.
49781 One is to dislike it.
49782 The other is to like it rationally.
49785 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49786 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49789 There are two ways to write error-free
49790 programs; only the third one works.
49792 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49793 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49795 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49796 with an insurance salesman?
49799 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49800 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49801 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49802 together we'll face the world.
49803 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49805 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49806 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49808 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49811 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49814 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49817 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49818 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49821 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49822 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49824 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49825 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49828 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49829 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49831 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49832 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49833 permissions for everyone, you could say
49835 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49837 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49838 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49840 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49841 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49842 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49843 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49844 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49845 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49846 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49847 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49848 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49850 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49851 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49853 There has been an alarming increase in the
49854 number of things you know nothing about.
49856 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49858 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49859 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49860 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49861 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49863 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49864 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49865 A: The elevator would be full.
49867 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49868 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49869 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49870 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
49872 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49876 There is a fly on your nose.
49878 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49879 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49880 each other's throat.
49881 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49883 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49884 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49886 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49888 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49889 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49890 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49892 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49893 tied during the month of April.
49895 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49898 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49899 wooden toilet seats.
49901 It's called the Birch John Society.
49903 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49904 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49908 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49909 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49910 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49913 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49914 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49916 There is a time in the tides of men,
49917 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49918 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49921 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49922 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49925 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49928 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49930 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49932 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49934 There is always something new out of Africa.
49935 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49937 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49938 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49939 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49941 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49942 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49945 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49946 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49948 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49949 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49950 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49953 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49954 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49955 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49956 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49957 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49960 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49961 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49963 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49964 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49966 There is in certain living souls
49967 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49968 So great it must be shared
49969 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49970 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49972 There is one lonelier than you.
49974 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49975 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
49976 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
49977 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
49978 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
49979 even highly probable.
49980 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
49982 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
49984 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
49985 and we will conquer. Follow me.
49986 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
49988 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
49989 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
49990 -- G. K. Chesterton
49992 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
49993 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
49995 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
49998 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
49999 always enough time to do it over.
50001 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50003 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50004 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50005 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50007 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50008 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50010 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50011 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50012 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50014 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50015 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50016 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50017 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50018 striving of the human race.
50019 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50021 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50022 we define salvation through suffering.
50025 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50026 -- George Santayana
50028 There is no delight the equal of dread.
50029 As long as it is somebody else's.
50032 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
50034 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
50037 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
50038 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
50039 as 'unearned income.'
50042 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
50043 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
50045 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
50046 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
50047 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
50048 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
50049 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
50050 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
50052 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
50054 There is no fool to the old fool.
50057 There is no future in time travel.
50059 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
50061 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
50062 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
50063 -- Ernest Hemingway
50065 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
50066 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
50068 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
50069 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
50072 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
50073 -- George Francis Gillette
50075 There is no point in waiting.
50076 The train stopped running years ago.
50077 All the schedules, the brochures,
50078 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
50079 Promise rides to a distant country
50080 That no longer exists.
50082 There is no proverb that is not true.
50085 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
50086 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
50087 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
50088 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
50090 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
50092 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
50093 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
50094 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
50096 There is no royal road to geometry.
50099 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
50101 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
50102 -- George Bernard Shaw
50104 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
50105 -- General Douglas MacArthur
50107 There is no sin but ignorance.
50108 -- Christopher Marlowe
50110 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
50111 -- George Bernard Shaw
50113 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
50115 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
50117 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
50119 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
50121 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
50123 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
50124 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
50127 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
50129 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
50130 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
50131 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
50133 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
50134 some anxiety always goes with it.
50136 There is no time like the pleasant.
50138 There is no time like the present
50139 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
50141 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
50142 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
50144 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
50145 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
50146 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
50147 live as cheap as the people.
50148 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50150 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50151 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50154 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50155 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50157 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50160 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50161 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50163 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50164 -- Marie Antoinette
50166 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50167 when you do it reluctantly.
50168 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50170 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50173 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
50174 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
50175 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
50176 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
50177 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
50178 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50179 the middle of the night?'"
50181 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50183 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50184 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50187 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50188 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50190 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50191 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50194 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50195 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50198 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
50199 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
50202 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50205 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50208 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50209 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50212 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50213 and that word is blackmail.
50216 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50217 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50220 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50221 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50223 There is something in the pang of change
50224 More than the heart can bear,
50225 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50228 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50230 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50232 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50233 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50237 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50238 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50240 There must be more to life than having everything.
50243 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50246 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50247 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50248 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50250 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50251 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50252 what would your decision be, my son?"
50253 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50254 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50255 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50257 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50258 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50259 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50261 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50262 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50263 what would your decision be, my son?"
50264 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50265 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50266 that I had promised."
50267 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50269 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50272 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
50273 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50275 There was a little girl
50276 Who had a little curl
50277 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50278 When she was good, she was very, very good
50279 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50280 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50282 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50283 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50284 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50285 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50286 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50287 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50288 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50289 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50290 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50291 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50292 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50293 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50294 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50295 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50296 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50297 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50298 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50299 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50301 There was a phone call for you.
50303 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50304 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50305 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
50306 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
50307 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
50308 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
50309 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
50310 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
50311 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
50313 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50314 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50315 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50319 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50320 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50322 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50324 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50325 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50326 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50328 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50329 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50330 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50334 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50335 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50336 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50337 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50338 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50339 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50340 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50341 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50342 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50343 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50344 the squaws of the other two hides.
50346 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50347 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50348 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50349 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50350 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50351 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50352 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50353 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50355 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50356 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50357 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50359 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50360 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50361 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50362 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50363 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50364 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50365 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50366 he tells the counterman.
50367 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50368 "You must be from New York."
50369 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50371 "Because this is a hardware store."
50373 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50374 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50375 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50376 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50377 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50378 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50379 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50380 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50381 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50382 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50383 telephone business?
50385 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50386 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50388 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50390 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50393 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50394 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50397 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50398 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50399 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50400 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50401 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50402 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50403 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50404 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50406 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50409 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50410 When everything is falling apart
50411 In life, just like in loving
50412 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50415 Like you don't need the money
50416 Love like you'll never get hurt
50418 Like nobody's watching
50419 It's gotta come from the heart
50420 If you want it to work.
50423 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50424 allows you to install Windows.
50425 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50427 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50429 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50430 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50431 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50432 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50433 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50434 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50435 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50436 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50437 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50438 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50439 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50440 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50441 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50443 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50444 The corporation that we represent.
50445 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50446 Of that man of men our sterling president
50447 The name of T.J. Watson means
50448 A courage none can stem
50449 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50450 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50452 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50453 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50454 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50455 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50456 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50457 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50458 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50459 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50460 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50461 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50462 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50463 along -- quite gracefully.
50466 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50469 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50471 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50473 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50474 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50478 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50480 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50482 There's little in taking or giving,
50483 There's little in water or wine:
50484 This living, this living, this living,
50485 Was never a project of mine.
50486 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50487 The gain of the one at the top,
50488 For art is a form of catharsis,
50489 And love is a permanent flop,
50490 And work is the province of cattle,
50491 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50492 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50493 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50496 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50497 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50500 There's no justice in this world.
50501 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50502 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50503 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50504 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50507 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50510 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50513 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50516 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50518 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50519 what you're talking about.
50520 -- John von Neumann
50522 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
50523 -- Milton Friendman
50525 There's no such thing as an original sin.
50528 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
50532 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
50534 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
50536 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
50538 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
50539 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
50541 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
50543 -- Clare Booth Luce
50545 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
50547 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
50549 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
50550 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
50553 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
50554 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
50557 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
50561 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
50562 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
50564 There's nothing worse for your business than
50565 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
50568 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
50569 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
50571 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
50572 always see somebody who did worse.
50573 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
50575 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
50577 There's only one everything.
50579 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
50580 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
50583 There's small choice in rotten apples.
50584 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
50586 There's so much plastic in this culture that
50587 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
50590 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
50592 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
50593 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
50596 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
50597 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
50599 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
50600 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
50602 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
50603 -- Richard Le Gallienne
50605 These activities have their own rules and methods
50606 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
50607 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
50609 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
50610 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
50611 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
50612 out of MEGATON MAN!"
50614 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
50615 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
50617 They also serve who only stand and wait.
50620 They also surf who only stand on waves.
50622 They are called computers simply because computation is
50623 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
50625 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
50626 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
50627 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
50628 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
50629 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
50631 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
50632 when they can see nothing but sea.
50635 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
50636 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
50638 They call them "squares" because it's the
50639 most complicated shape they can deal with.
50641 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
50642 -- The Blues Brothers
50644 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
50645 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
50646 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
50648 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
50649 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
50650 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
50651 only want to count to two.
50652 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
50654 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
50655 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
50656 question about the suffering of starving miners.
50658 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
50660 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
50661 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
50663 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
50664 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
50665 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
50667 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
50669 They make a desert and call it peace.
50670 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
50672 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
50673 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
50674 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
50677 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
50678 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
50679 learn this particular lesson.
50680 -- Richard Stallman
50682 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
50683 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
50684 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
50686 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
50687 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
50688 then we take Berlin.
50690 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
50691 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
50692 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
50693 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
50695 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
50696 always spell better than they pronounce.
50699 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
50700 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
50701 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
50703 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
50705 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
50706 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
50707 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
50708 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
50710 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
50711 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
50712 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
50713 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
50715 My notion was to start again
50716 Ignoring all they'd done
50717 We quickly turned it into code
50718 To see if it would run.
50720 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
50721 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
50723 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
50724 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
50726 They use different words for things in America.
50727 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50728 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50729 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50732 They went rushing down that freeway,
50733 Messed around and got lost.
50734 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50735 And it was life in the fast lane.
50736 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50738 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50739 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50741 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50742 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50743 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50744 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50747 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50748 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50749 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50753 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50754 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50756 They're just jealous because they don't have three
50757 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
50758 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
50759 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
50761 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50763 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50767 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50768 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50769 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50771 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50772 -- Dwight Eisenhower
50774 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50776 Things are not always what they seem.
50779 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
50781 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50783 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50784 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50786 Things will be bright in P.M.
50787 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50789 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50792 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50795 Pollute the Mississippi.
50797 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50799 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50802 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50804 Think of your family tonight.
50805 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50810 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50812 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50813 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50815 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50816 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50817 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50818 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50819 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50820 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50821 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50822 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50824 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50825 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50828 Thirty days hath Septober,
50829 April, June, and no wonder.
50830 all the rest have peanut butter
50831 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50833 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50836 Then they stand still.
50839 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50840 Everye nighte and alle,
50841 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50842 And Christe receive thy saule.
50843 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50845 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50846 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50847 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50848 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50849 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50850 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50851 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50852 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50853 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50854 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50855 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50856 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50858 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50859 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50860 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50862 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50864 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50866 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50868 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50869 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50870 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50871 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50872 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50874 This fortune intentionally not included.
50876 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50878 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50879 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50881 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50883 This fortune is false.
50885 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50887 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50889 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50891 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50893 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50894 We have emotional moving vans.
50897 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50898 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50899 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50900 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50901 of the house by dinner!"
50903 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50904 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50906 This is a good time to punt work.
50908 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50912 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50913 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50915 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50916 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50918 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50919 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50920 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50921 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50922 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50923 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50924 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50925 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50926 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50927 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50928 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50929 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50930 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50931 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50932 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50934 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50936 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50937 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50938 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50940 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50941 and not enough hunchbacks.
50943 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50944 Unborn and unbegot,
50945 For them to read when they're in trouble
50949 This is Jim Rockford.
50950 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50952 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50954 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50956 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50957 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50958 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50960 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50961 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50963 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50965 This is NOT a repeat.
50967 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
50968 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
50969 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
50970 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
50972 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
50974 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
50975 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
50976 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
50977 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
50978 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
50979 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
50980 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
50981 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
50982 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
50983 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
50984 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
50985 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
50986 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
50987 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
50989 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
50990 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
50992 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
50993 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
50994 and come alone. I'm serious!
50996 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
50997 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
51000 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
51001 power of computers:
51003 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
51004 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
51005 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
51006 one should eat each day:
51010 1 glass of skim milk
51011 27 heads of lettuce.
51012 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
51014 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
51016 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
51017 -- Winston Churchill
51019 This is the story of the bee
51020 Whose sex is very hard to see
51022 You cannot tell the he from the she
51023 But she can tell, and so can he
51025 The little bee is never still
51026 She has no time to take the pill
51028 And that is why, in times like these
51029 There are so many sons of bees.
51031 This is the theory that Jack built.
51032 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
51033 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
51035 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51036 And now you know why.
51038 This is the way the world ends,
51039 This is the way the world ends,
51040 This is the way the world ends,
51041 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
51042 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
51044 This is your fortune.
51046 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
51047 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
51049 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
51050 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
51051 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
51052 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
51054 This land is full of trousers!
51055 this land is full of mausers!
51056 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
51057 -- Firesign Theater
51059 This land is made of mountains,
51060 This land is made of mud,
51061 This land has lots of everything,
51062 For me and Elmer Fudd.
51064 This land has lots of trousers,
51065 This land has lots of mousers,
51066 And pussycats to eat them
51067 When the sun goes down.
51069 This land is my land, and only my land,
51070 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
51071 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
51072 This land is private property.
51073 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
51075 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
51076 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
51077 to what to do and where to go.
51079 This life is yours. Some of it was given
51080 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
51082 This login session: $13.99
51084 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
51086 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
51088 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
51089 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
51091 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
51095 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
51096 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
51097 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
51098 don't actually hurt.
51099 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
51100 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
51101 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
51102 man enough to take me on?"
51103 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
51104 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
51105 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
51106 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
51107 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
51108 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
51109 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
51110 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
51111 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
51112 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
51113 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
51114 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
51116 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
51117 got to find a way off this planet.
51119 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
51120 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
51121 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
51122 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
51123 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
51124 paper that were unhappy.
51125 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51127 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
51128 something child-like.
51129 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51131 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51132 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51133 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51134 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51135 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51136 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51137 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51138 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51139 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
51140 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51141 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51142 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51143 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51144 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51145 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51146 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51147 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51148 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51149 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51150 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51151 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51152 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51154 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51155 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51157 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51158 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51159 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51160 which identifies errors in the original program.
51162 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51163 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51164 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51165 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51168 This screen intentionally left blank.
51170 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51173 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51175 This sentence no verb.
51177 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51179 This thing all things devours:
51180 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51181 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51182 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51183 Slays king, ruins town,
51184 And beats high mountain down.
51186 This unit... must... survive.
51188 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51189 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51191 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51192 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51193 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51194 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51196 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51197 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51199 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51200 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51203 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51205 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51207 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51208 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51209 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51210 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51211 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51212 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51213 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51214 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51215 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51217 Those lovable Brits department:
51218 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51220 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51223 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51225 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51226 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51227 at are called software.
51228 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51229 Literacy for the 1990's.
51231 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51232 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51235 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51239 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
51241 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51242 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51244 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51247 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51248 -- George Santayana
51250 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51252 Those who claim the dead never return
51253 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51255 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51258 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51261 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51262 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51265 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
51266 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51269 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51270 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51273 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51274 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51275 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51277 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51278 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51281 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51283 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51284 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51285 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
51287 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51288 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51289 without the roar of its many waters.
51290 -- Frederick Douglass
51292 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51293 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51294 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51295 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51296 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
51298 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51299 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51300 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51301 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51302 The highest rung. In his bung.
51304 Because in life they prayed so ill
51305 And offered god such swinish swill
51306 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51307 Sweat from lack of APL
51310 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51312 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51313 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51315 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51317 -- The Tao of Programming
51319 Though I respect that a lot
51320 I'd be fired if that were my job
51321 After killing Jason off and
51322 Countless screaming argonauts
51324 Bluebird of friendliness
51325 Like guardian angels it's
51328 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51329 Who watches over you
51330 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51331 Not to put too fine a point on it
51332 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51333 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51335 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51337 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51339 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51340 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51341 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51342 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51343 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51344 more about the matter than the others.
51345 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51347 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51350 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51351 -- Benjamin Franklin
51353 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51354 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51355 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51357 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51358 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51359 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51360 service station," said the Missourian.
51362 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51363 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
51364 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51366 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51367 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51370 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51371 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51372 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51374 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51375 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51376 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51377 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51378 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51379 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51380 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51381 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51382 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51384 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51385 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51386 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51387 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51388 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51390 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51391 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51392 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51393 and users will do the Right Thing.
51394 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51395 and there won't be any pirating.
51397 If these three aren't enough,
51398 just stay at your home directory
51399 and let all processes take their course.
51401 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51402 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51403 -- Bertrand Russell
51405 Thus spake the master programmer:
51406 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51408 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51410 Thus spake the master programmer:
51411 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51412 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51414 Thus spake the master programmer:
51415 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51417 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51419 Thus spake the master programmer:
51420 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51422 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51424 Thus spake the master programmer:
51425 "Time for you to leave."
51426 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51428 Thus spake the master programmer:
51429 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51430 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51432 Thus spake the master programmer:
51433 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51434 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51435 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51437 Thus spake the master programmer:
51438 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51439 hardware is useless."
51440 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51442 Thus spake the master programmer:
51443 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51444 can't make him computer literate."
51445 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51448 Everything goes wrong at once.
51450 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51451 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51452 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51453 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51455 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51456 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51457 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51458 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51460 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51461 And racing around to come up behind you again
51462 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51463 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51465 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51467 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51468 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51469 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51470 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51474 Quite unaccountably
51484 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51486 Tiger got to sleep,
51488 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51489 -- The Books of Bokonon
51491 Time and tide wait for no man.
51493 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51496 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
51498 Time goes, you say?
51500 Time stays, *we* go.
51503 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
51506 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
51507 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51509 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
51511 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
51512 -- Henry David Thoreau
51514 Time is nature's way of making sure that
51515 everything doesn't happen at once.
51517 Space is nature's way of making sure that
51518 everything doesn't happen to you.
51520 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
51523 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
51525 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
51527 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
51529 Time to take stock.
51530 Go home with some office supplies.
51533 Love's wounds unseen.
51534 That's what someone told me;
51535 But I don't know what it means.
51536 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
51538 Time will end all my troubles,
51539 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
51541 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
51542 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
51545 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
51547 Timing must be perfect now.
51548 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
51551 Never fry bacon in the nude.
51553 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
51556 Tip the world over on its side and
51557 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
51558 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51560 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
51561 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
51562 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
51563 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
51564 they would ordinarily.
51565 There is no music in space.
51566 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
51567 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
51569 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
51570 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
51571 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
51572 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
51573 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
51574 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
51575 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
51576 never been easier."
51577 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
51578 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
51579 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
51580 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
51581 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
51582 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
51583 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
51584 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
51585 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
51586 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
51587 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
51588 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
51590 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
51592 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
51595 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
51596 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
51597 stopping at red lights are both optional.
51598 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51600 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
51601 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
51602 to spend a few days there.
51603 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51605 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
51606 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
51607 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51609 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
51610 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
51611 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
51612 Swedes speak better English.
51613 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51615 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
51616 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
51618 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51620 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
51621 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
51622 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
51625 To add insult to injury.
51628 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
51629 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
51630 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
51631 -- Theodore Roosevelt
51633 To any truly impartial person, it would
51634 be obvious that I am always right.
51636 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
51639 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
51642 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
51643 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
51646 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
51647 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
51649 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
51650 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
51653 To be great is to be misunderstood.
51654 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51656 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
51657 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
51658 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
51659 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
51660 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
51661 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
51662 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
51663 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
51665 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
51667 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
51669 To be is to be related.
51677 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
51683 To be loved is very demoralizing.
51684 -- Katharine Hepburn
51686 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
51687 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
51688 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
51689 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
51691 To be or not to be.
51700 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
51702 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
51703 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51706 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51707 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51708 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51711 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51714 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51715 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51717 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51718 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51720 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51722 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51724 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51725 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51727 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51728 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51729 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51731 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51732 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51733 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51734 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51735 To write those routines
51736 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51737 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51738 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51739 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51740 To this glorious quest,
51741 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51742 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51744 Still strove with his last allocation
51745 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51746 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51748 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51751 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51752 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51753 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51755 To craunch a marmoset.
51756 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51758 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51759 more important than the ability to say yes.
51762 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51763 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51765 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51766 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51768 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51770 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51773 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51774 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51777 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51778 of four kids and one bathroom.
51781 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51784 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51786 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51788 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51790 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51791 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51793 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51795 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51797 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51799 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51800 -- MIT Assassination Club
51802 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51803 -- Benjamin Franklin
51805 To err is human, two curs canine.
51806 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51809 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51817 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51820 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51821 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51822 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51823 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51824 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51825 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51826 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51827 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51828 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51829 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51830 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51831 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51832 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51833 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51834 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51837 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51838 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51839 -- Bertrand Russell
51841 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51844 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51845 -- Benjamin Franklin
51847 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51850 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51852 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51853 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51855 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51856 persons, two of them absent.
51858 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51860 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51862 To have died once is enough.
51863 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51865 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51866 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51868 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51871 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51874 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51875 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51877 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51878 to kill them, treat them often.
51880 To know Edina is to reject it.
51881 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51883 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51885 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51888 To listen to some devout people,
51889 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51892 To love is good, love being difficult.
51894 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51896 To make tax forms true they should
51897 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51899 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51902 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51903 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51904 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51905 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
51907 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51909 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51911 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51912 -- 19th century toast
51914 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51916 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51917 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51920 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51922 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51923 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51924 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51925 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51927 To say you got a vote of confidence
51928 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51931 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51933 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51934 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51935 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51936 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51937 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51938 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51939 mind over matter; quite.
51940 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51942 To see you is to sympathize.
51944 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51945 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51947 To stand and be still,
51948 At the Birkenhead drill,
51949 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51952 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51953 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51954 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51956 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51958 To teach is to learn.
51960 To teach is to learn twice.
51963 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51965 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51967 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
51970 To Theodore Roosevelt:
51971 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
51972 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
51973 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
51974 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
51975 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
51977 Sultan to the Berbers
51978 Last of the Barbary Pirates
51980 To thine own self be true.
51981 (If not that, at least make some money.)
51983 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
51987 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
51988 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
51989 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
51990 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
51991 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
51992 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
51993 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
51994 secure ecological niche.
51995 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
51997 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
51999 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
52000 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
52001 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
52002 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
52003 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
52004 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
52005 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
52006 receiving said benefit.
52007 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
52008 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
52009 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
52010 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
52012 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
52014 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
52016 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
52017 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
52019 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
52020 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
52021 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
52022 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
52023 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
52025 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
52026 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
52027 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
52028 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
52029 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
52030 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
52031 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
52032 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
52033 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
52034 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
52035 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
52038 To use violence is to already be defeated.
52041 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
52043 To whom the mornings are like nights,
52044 What must the midnights be!
52045 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
52047 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
52048 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
52049 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
52050 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
52051 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
52052 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
52053 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
52054 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
52055 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
52056 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
52057 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
52058 and choose more docile words to take its part.
52059 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
52060 by making love directly to the brain.
52062 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
52065 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
52066 That from the devil does proceed;
52067 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
52068 And makes a chimney of your nose.
52072 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
52074 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
52075 Read someone else's mail file.
52077 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
52079 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
52081 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
52083 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
52085 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
52087 Today is the last day of your life so far.
52089 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
52091 Today is what happened to yesterday.
52093 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
52094 except in major motion pictures.
52095 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
52097 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
52098 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
52101 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
52103 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
52105 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
52106 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
52108 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
52109 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
52110 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
52113 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
52114 -- Hunter S. Thompson
52116 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
52119 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
52120 creating endless annoyance to male users.
52121 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
52123 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
52126 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
52127 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52129 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52131 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52133 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52136 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52138 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52139 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52141 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52143 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52144 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52146 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52147 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52150 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52151 real fast and freak everybody out.
52152 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
52154 Too clever is dumb.
52157 Too cool to calypso,
52158 Too tough to tango,
52159 Too weird to watusi
52163 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52164 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52165 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52166 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52167 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52169 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52170 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52173 Too much is just enough.
52174 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52176 Too much is not enough.
52178 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52181 Too much of everything is just enough.
52184 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52186 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52188 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52189 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52190 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52192 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52194 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52196 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52198 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52200 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52201 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52202 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52203 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52204 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52205 assurance people in its wake.
52206 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52207 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52208 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52209 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52210 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52211 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52212 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52214 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
52215 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52217 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52218 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52219 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52224 Follow these simple suggestions:
52226 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52227 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52228 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52230 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
52231 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52233 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52235 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52237 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52238 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52239 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52241 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52243 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52244 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52245 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52246 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52247 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52248 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
52250 Topologists are just plane folks.
52251 Pilots are just plane folks.
52252 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52253 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52254 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52255 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52256 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52260 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52262 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52263 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52265 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52266 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52268 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52269 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52272 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52273 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52276 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52279 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52282 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52285 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52286 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52287 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52290 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52291 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52295 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52297 Trap full -- please empty.
52300 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52302 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52304 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52307 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52308 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52309 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52310 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52311 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52312 for a short spell?"
52314 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52317 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52318 -- Charles DeGaulle
52320 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52323 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52325 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52327 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52328 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52329 a brand new series of three.
52331 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52332 in eucalyptus trees.
52334 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52336 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52338 True leadership is the art of changing
52339 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52342 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52343 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52346 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52349 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52350 -- Norman Augustine
52352 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52353 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52355 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52359 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52362 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52364 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52365 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52368 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52370 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52371 -- Albert Schweitzer
52373 Truth is free, but information costs.
52375 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52377 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52379 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52382 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52383 of him that brought her birth.
52386 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52389 Dumb and illiterate.
52390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52394 Try not to have a good time ...
52395 This is supposed to be educational.
52403 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52405 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52407 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52409 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52411 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
52412 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
52413 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
52414 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
52415 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
52418 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52420 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52422 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52423 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52425 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52427 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52428 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52430 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52433 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
52435 Trying to get an education here is like
52436 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52439 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52441 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52443 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52445 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52448 Turn the other cheek.
52452 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52456 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52458 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52459 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52461 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52462 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52465 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52466 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52467 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52468 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52469 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52470 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52471 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52472 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52473 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52474 Came whippany through the englewood,
52475 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52477 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52478 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52479 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52480 He caldwell in his joy.
52481 Did mahwah into patterson:
52482 All jersey were the ocean groves,
52483 And the red bank bayonne.
52486 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52487 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
52488 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
52489 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
52490 Beware the Jubjub bird,
52491 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
52492 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
52493 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
52494 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
52495 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
52496 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
52498 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
52499 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
52500 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
52501 He chortled in his joy.
52502 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52503 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
52504 All mimsy were the borogroves
52505 And the mome raths outgrabe.
52506 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
52508 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
52509 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
52510 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
52511 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
52512 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
52513 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
52514 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
52515 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
52516 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
52517 Came waffling with the truth too good,
52518 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
52520 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
52521 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
52522 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
52523 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
52524 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
52525 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
52526 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
52527 And mammon's wrath them bash!
52528 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
52530 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
52531 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
52532 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
52533 And Cory raths outgrabe.
52535 "Beware the software rot, my son!
52536 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
52537 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
52538 The frumious system crash!"
52540 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
52541 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
52542 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
52543 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
52545 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
52546 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
52547 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
52548 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
52550 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
52551 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
52552 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
52553 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
52554 -- Midnight On The Ocean
52556 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
52557 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
52558 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
52559 A satellite spotted him making his way.
52560 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
52561 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
52562 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
52563 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
52564 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
52565 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
52566 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
52567 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
52568 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
52569 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
52570 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
52571 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
52572 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
52573 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
52574 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
52575 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
52576 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
52577 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
52578 So after a trillion or two had been spent
52579 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
52580 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
52581 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
52583 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
52584 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
52585 throughout our place of residence,
52586 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
52587 possessors of this potential, including that
52588 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
52589 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
52590 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
52591 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
52592 imminent visitation from an eccentric
52593 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
52594 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
52596 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
52599 Twenty two thousand days.
52600 Twenty two thousand days.
52602 It's all you've got.
52603 Twenty two thousand days.
52604 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
52606 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
52607 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
52608 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
52609 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
52610 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
52611 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
52612 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
52613 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
52614 collision course with that ship.
52615 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
52616 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
52617 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
52618 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
52620 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
52621 course 20 degrees."
52622 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
52623 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
52624 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
52626 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
52628 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
52631 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
52633 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
52634 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
52635 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
52636 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
52637 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
52638 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
52639 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
52642 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
52643 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
52644 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
52645 knows when to stop."
52647 Two heads are better than one.
52650 Two heads are more numerous than one.
52652 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
52653 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
52654 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
52655 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
52656 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
52657 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
52658 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
52659 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
52660 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
52661 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
52662 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
52664 Two is company, three is an orgy.
52666 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
52668 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
52669 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
52670 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
52671 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
52672 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
52673 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
52674 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
52676 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
52677 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
52678 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
52679 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
52681 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
52682 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
52683 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
52684 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
52685 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
52686 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
52687 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
52688 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
52690 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
52692 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
52693 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
52694 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
52695 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
52696 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
52698 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
52699 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
52701 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52703 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52705 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52707 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52708 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52709 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52711 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52712 I forget the second.
52714 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52715 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52716 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52717 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52718 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52719 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52720 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52722 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52725 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52728 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52730 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52731 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52732 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52733 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52735 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52736 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52737 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52738 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52740 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52741 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52742 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52743 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52745 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52746 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52747 In the well of sanguine woe?
52748 In what clay & in what mould
52749 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52750 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52752 Type louder, please.
52754 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52755 Run right up and rub its horn.
52756 Look at all those points you're losing!
52757 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52758 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52760 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52761 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52762 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52764 Udall's Fourth Law:
52765 Any change or reform you make
52766 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52768 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52770 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52771 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52772 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52773 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52775 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52776 Sorry for the confusion.
52777 -- Sun Microsystems
52779 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52780 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52781 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52782 coughing and drops dead.
52783 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52785 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52786 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52787 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52789 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52790 just man is also in prison.
52791 -- Henry David Thoreau
52793 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52794 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52795 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52797 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52798 If you want something, it can wait.
52799 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52801 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52804 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52805 Dig my grave and let me relax
52806 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52807 And I lay me down with a will.
52808 These be the words that tell the way:
52809 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52810 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52811 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52813 Under the wide and starry sky,
52814 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52815 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52816 And laid me down with a will,
52817 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52818 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52819 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52820 And the hunter home from the hill.
52823 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52824 Superiority is recessive.
52827 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52828 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52829 basis of your own internal model instead.
52831 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52832 in relation to a bigger problem.
52835 Unfair animal names:
52837 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
52838 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
52839 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
52842 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52843 Selling cheaper than we do.
52845 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52846 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52847 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52848 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52852 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52854 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52855 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52856 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52857 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52858 low over the world.
52864 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52865 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52868 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52869 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52870 you how to fix it, and...
52872 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52873 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52875 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52878 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52880 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52881 of more feet, just to be sure.
52885 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory
52887 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52888 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52889 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52890 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52891 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52893 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52895 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52898 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52899 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52900 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52902 UNIX is many things to many people,
52903 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52905 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52909 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52910 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52911 with the workstation harem.
52913 unix soit qui mal y pense
52915 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52916 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52919 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52920 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52923 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52925 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52926 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52927 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52928 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52930 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52931 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52932 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52933 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52935 -- William Shakespeare
52937 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52941 If it happens, it must be possible.
52943 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52944 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52947 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52948 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52951 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52955 What you left out on April 15th.
52957 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52958 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52959 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52960 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52962 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52964 Use a pun, go to jail.
52966 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
52967 -- KFOG, San Francisco
52969 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
52970 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
52973 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
52974 more labor and less oratory.
52980 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
52983 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
52984 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
52986 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
52987 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
52989 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
52990 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
52991 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
52992 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
52994 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
52997 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
52998 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
52999 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
53000 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
53002 I always hated those adventure games.
53005 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
53010 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
53011 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
53013 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
53014 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
53018 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
53019 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
53020 life-style to recuperate.
53022 Vail's Second Axiom:
53023 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
53024 amount of work already completed.
53026 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
53027 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
53031 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
53034 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
53037 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
53040 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
53041 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
53042 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
53043 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
53044 and sour won ton soup.
53046 Variables don't; constants aren't.
53050 Vegetables are what food eats.
53051 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
53052 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
53053 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
53054 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
53056 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
53058 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
53059 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
53060 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
53063 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
53065 Verba volant, scripta manent!
53067 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
53070 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
53071 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
53075 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
53077 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
53078 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
53079 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
53080 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
53081 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
53082 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
53083 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
53084 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
53085 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
53086 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
53087 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
53088 is presumably working on it.
53090 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
53091 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
53094 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
53097 A hungry dog hunts best.
53098 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
53100 Decreased business base increases overhead.
53101 So does increased business base.
53103 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
53104 is fifth grade arithmetic.
53106 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
53107 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
53109 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
53110 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
53111 -- Norman Augustine
53113 Victory uber allies!
53116 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
53117 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
53118 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
53119 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
53120 in the 9th century.
53122 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
53123 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53126 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53127 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53128 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53131 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53132 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53134 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
53135 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
53136 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
53137 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
53139 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53141 Violence is molding.
53143 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53146 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53147 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53148 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53149 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53150 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53151 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53155 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53156 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53158 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53161 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53162 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53163 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
53164 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
53166 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
53167 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
53168 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53169 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53170 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53171 that old underwear you own.
53173 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53175 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53176 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53179 Virtue is its own punishment.
53182 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
53185 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53186 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53189 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53190 -- La Rochefoucauld
53192 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53194 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53196 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53197 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53199 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53200 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53202 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
53204 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53207 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53209 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53211 Voiceless it cries,
53218 A mountain with hiccups.
53220 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53221 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53222 And to him who's scientific
53223 There is nothing that's terrific
53224 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53225 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53228 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53229 than never to have lobbed at all.
53231 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53232 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53233 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53234 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53235 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53236 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53240 Vote early and vote often.
53241 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53242 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53244 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53248 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53250 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53253 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53256 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53257 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53258 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53259 (Waiter exits, returns)
53260 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53262 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53263 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53264 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53265 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53267 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53268 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53269 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53270 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53272 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53273 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53274 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53275 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53276 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53278 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53281 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53282 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53284 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53285 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53287 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53289 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53292 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53293 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53294 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53296 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53297 Garp: Gradual school?
53298 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53300 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53301 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53302 -- The World According To Garp
53305 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53306 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53307 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53311 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53312 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53313 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53314 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53315 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
53317 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53318 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
53319 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
53320 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53321 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53323 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53325 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53326 -- Charles Edward Montague
53328 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53330 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53331 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53333 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53334 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53336 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53339 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53341 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53345 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53346 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
53347 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
53348 of your favorite war.
53351 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53352 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53353 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53354 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53355 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53356 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53357 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53358 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53359 things to the terminal.
53361 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53363 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53364 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53366 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53368 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53369 Survivors will be shot again.
53372 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53374 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53375 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53376 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53377 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53378 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53379 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53380 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53382 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53384 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53386 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53387 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53388 There was a time they could cry over books,
53389 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53390 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53391 What's never known is safest in this life.
53392 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53393 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53394 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53395 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53397 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53399 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53402 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53403 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53404 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53406 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53408 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53409 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53411 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53414 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53416 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53418 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53420 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53423 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53427 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53430 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53431 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53434 The single most important word in the world.
53436 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53437 when it's necessary to compromise.
53440 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53441 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53444 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53446 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53448 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53450 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53451 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53453 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53454 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53456 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
53457 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
53458 is that it is not crazy enough.
53461 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53462 before we are fit to participate in society.
53463 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53466 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53468 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53471 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53473 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53476 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53479 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53480 -- Winston Churchill
53482 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
53485 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
53486 -- Whole Earth Catalog
53488 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
53489 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
53491 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
53492 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
53494 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
53496 -- Patrick Moynihan
53498 We are each only one drop in a great
53499 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
53501 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
53503 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
53504 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
53507 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
53508 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
53509 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
53512 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
53513 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53515 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
53516 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
53518 We are not a clone.
53520 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
53525 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
53526 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
53529 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
53531 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
53533 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
53534 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
53538 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
53540 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
53543 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
53544 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
53546 This is a recording.
53548 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
53549 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
53550 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
53551 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
53552 the substance that cast them.
53554 We are the people our parents warned us about.
53556 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
53557 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
53558 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
53560 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
53561 The order is not insignificant.
53562 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53564 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
53565 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
53567 We are what we are.
53569 We are what we pretend to be.
53570 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
53572 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
53574 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
53577 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
53578 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
53579 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
53581 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
53582 -- Sir Francis Bacon
53584 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
53587 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
53588 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
53589 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
53591 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
53594 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
53595 feet and go skating.
53596 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
53598 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
53599 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
53600 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
53601 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
53602 beautiful Universe, Our home.
53603 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
53605 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
53608 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
53609 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
53611 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
53613 We don't care how they do it in New York.
53615 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
53616 -- James Watt, noted theologian
53618 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
53620 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
53622 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
53623 that it wasn't a fish.
53624 -- Marshall McLuhan
53626 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
53627 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
53629 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
53632 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
53633 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
53634 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
53635 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
53637 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
53639 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
53640 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
53641 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
53642 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
53644 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
53646 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
53648 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
53651 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
53652 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
53654 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
53655 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
53656 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
53660 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
53661 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
53663 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
53664 -- La Rochefoucauld
53666 We gotta get out of this place,
53667 If it's the last thing we ever do.
53670 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
53671 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
53672 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
53673 our grave singing Halleluja ...
53676 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
53678 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
53681 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
53683 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
53684 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
53685 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
53686 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
53687 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
53688 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
53689 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
53690 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
53691 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
53693 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
53696 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
53699 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
53700 than from the machinations of the wicked.
53702 We have no scorched earth policy.
53703 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
53704 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
53706 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
53709 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53712 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53713 back to normal, and that they already have.
53715 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53718 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53720 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53721 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53722 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53723 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53724 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53726 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53727 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53728 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53729 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53730 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53731 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53732 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53734 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53735 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53737 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53739 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53740 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53742 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53743 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53744 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53745 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53746 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53747 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53748 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53749 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53750 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53751 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53752 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53753 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53754 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53755 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53756 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53757 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53759 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53760 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53761 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53762 to crave knowledge.
53765 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53766 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53767 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53768 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53769 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53770 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53771 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53772 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53773 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53774 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53775 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53776 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53778 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53781 We love our little Johnny
53782 He's the best little boy in all the world
53783 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53784 That's how much we love him.
53785 No, we couldn't live without him
53786 So that's why, since he died,
53787 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53788 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53789 Even better than before;
53790 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53791 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53792 Never miss our little Johnny,
53793 He'll never grow up and leave us
53794 That's why we love him like we do.
53797 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53798 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53799 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53800 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53803 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53807 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53808 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53809 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53810 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53811 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53815 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53816 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53817 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53818 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53819 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53820 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53821 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53822 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53823 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53824 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53825 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53826 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53828 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53830 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53831 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53832 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53833 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53834 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53835 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53837 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53838 but we always respect their good judgment.
53840 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53841 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53842 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53843 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
53844 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53845 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53846 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53847 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53848 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53850 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53851 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53854 We must die because we have known them.
53855 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53857 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53858 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
53859 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
53860 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53862 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53863 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53864 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53865 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53867 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53868 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53869 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53871 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53873 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53874 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53875 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53878 We must remember the First Amendment which
53879 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53880 -- F. G. Withington
53882 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53883 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53885 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53887 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53888 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53889 -- LaRouchefoucauld
53891 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53892 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53893 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53894 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53895 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53896 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53897 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53898 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53900 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53901 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53902 forgotten its source.
53903 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53905 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53906 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53908 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53910 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53911 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53912 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53914 We read to say that we have read.
53916 We really don't have any enemies.
53917 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53919 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53922 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53923 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53924 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
53926 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53927 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53929 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53930 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53931 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53932 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53935 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53936 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53940 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53941 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53945 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53946 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53949 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53952 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53953 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53954 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53955 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53956 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53957 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53958 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53959 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53960 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53961 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53963 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53964 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
53965 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
53967 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
53968 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
53969 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
53970 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
53973 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53974 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53975 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53976 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53979 ------------------- -------------------------
53980 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
53981 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
53982 Moody Manic-depressive
53983 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
53984 Poet Boring manic-depressive
53985 Sultry/Sensual Easy
53986 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
53987 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
53988 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
53989 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
53990 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
53991 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
53993 Aging child Self-centered adult
53994 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
53995 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
53997 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53998 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53999 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
54000 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
54003 ------------------- -------------------------
54004 Independent thinker Crazy
54005 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
54006 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
54007 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
54008 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
54010 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
54011 Big and beautiful Really Fat
54012 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
54013 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
54015 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
54016 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
54017 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
54018 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
54020 We totally deny the allegations, and
54021 we're trying to identify the allegators.
54023 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
54024 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
54025 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
54026 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
54028 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
54031 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
54032 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
54033 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
54035 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
54036 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
54037 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
54038 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
54039 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
54040 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
54041 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
54042 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
54045 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
54046 were married for four and a half years.
54049 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
54051 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
54052 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
54055 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
54056 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
54057 French restaurant. [...]
54058 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
54059 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
54060 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
54061 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
54062 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
54063 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
54064 "Stop the car," the girl said.
54065 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
54066 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
54067 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
54068 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
54070 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
54071 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
54072 onto my granola and faced a new day.
54073 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
54076 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
54077 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
54081 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
54082 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
54084 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
54085 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
54086 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
54087 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
54088 in the end a summer with wild winds &
54089 new friends will be.
54091 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
54092 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
54093 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
54094 use of this material.
54095 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
54096 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
54097 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
54099 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54100 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54101 We wish you a Hare Krishna
54102 And a Sun Myung Moon!
54106 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
54108 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
54112 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
54113 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
54115 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
54117 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
54120 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
54121 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
54122 least interested and say nothing about the other.
54124 Weekend, where are you?
54127 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
54130 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54131 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54132 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54133 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54135 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54136 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54138 Weinberg's First Law:
54139 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54141 Weinberg's Principle:
54142 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54143 on to the grand fallacy.
54145 Weinberg's Second Law:
54146 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54147 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54150 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54151 There are no answers, only cross references.
54153 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54154 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54157 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54169 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54170 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54171 -- Garrison Keillor
54173 Welcome to the Zoo!
54175 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54176 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54177 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54178 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54179 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54180 the reader! For example, the sentence
54182 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54184 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54185 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54186 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54187 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54188 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54189 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54190 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54191 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54194 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54196 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54197 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54198 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54199 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54200 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54201 *thousands* of words to say it.
54202 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54203 Fyodor Dostoevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54204 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54205 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54206 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54208 I'm told that Dostoevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54209 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54210 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54211 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54213 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54214 nature and will kill you.
54215 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54218 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54219 night. Live, on the Death label.
54220 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54222 Well begun is half done.
54225 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54226 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54230 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54232 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54234 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54235 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54236 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54237 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54238 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54239 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54241 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54242 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54243 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54244 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54245 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54246 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54247 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54248 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54251 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54253 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54254 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54257 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54258 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54259 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54260 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54261 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54262 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54263 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54264 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54265 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54266 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54267 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54268 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54269 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54271 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54272 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54273 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54274 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54275 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54276 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54277 When along came a senorita,
54278 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54279 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54280 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54281 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54282 Grow some funk of your own.
54283 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54284 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54286 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54287 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54288 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54290 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54291 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54292 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54293 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54294 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54296 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
\ba_
\bn*
54298 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54300 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54303 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54305 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54307 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54309 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54311 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54312 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54313 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54315 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54316 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54317 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54318 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54319 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54320 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54322 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54323 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54324 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54325 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54326 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54327 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54328 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54329 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54330 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54332 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54333 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54334 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54335 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54337 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54338 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54339 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54340 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54342 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54343 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54344 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54345 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54347 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54348 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54349 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54350 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54351 -- Core Dumped Blues
54353 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54354 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54355 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54358 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54360 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54361 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54362 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54363 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54365 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54367 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54370 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54371 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54374 Well, we'll really have a party,
54375 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54376 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54378 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54379 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54380 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54381 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54383 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54384 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54385 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54386 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54387 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54388 But the thrill we've never known,
54389 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54390 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54392 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54393 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54394 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54395 Drivin' my limousine.
54396 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54397 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54398 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54399 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54401 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54402 Who'll do anything we say.
54403 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54404 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54405 So we never have to be alone.
54406 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54407 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54408 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54409 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54411 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54412 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54415 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54436 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54437 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54438 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54440 We're all in this alone.
54443 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54444 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54445 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54446 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54447 it's not going to do anything for you.
54448 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54450 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54451 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54452 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54453 in his bowl full of jelly.
54454 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54456 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54457 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54458 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54459 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54461 We're happy little Vegemites,
54462 As bright as bright can be.
54463 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54464 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54466 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54467 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54468 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54470 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54472 We're Knights of the Round Table
54473 We dance whene'er we're able
54474 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54475 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54476 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54477 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54478 That are quite unsingable
54479 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54480 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54483 And impersonate Clark Gable
54484 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54485 I have to push the pram a lot.
54488 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54491 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54492 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
54493 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
54496 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
54497 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
54498 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
54499 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
54500 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
54501 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
54502 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
54503 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
54506 We're only in it for the volume.
54509 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
54512 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
54514 Westheimer's Discovery:
54515 A couple of months in the laboratory can
54516 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
54519 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
54521 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
54522 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
54523 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
54526 We've tried each spinning space mote
54527 And reckoned its true worth:
54528 Take us back again to the homes of men
54529 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
54531 The arching sky is calling
54532 Spacemen back to their trade.
54533 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
54534 And the lights below us fade.
54535 Out ride the sons of Terra,
54536 Far drives the thundering jet,
54537 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
54538 Out, far, and onward yet--
54540 We pray for one last landing
54541 On the globe that gave us birth;
54542 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
54543 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
54544 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
54546 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
54551 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
54552 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
54553 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
54554 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
54556 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
54557 understand what a misfortune it is.
54558 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855
54560 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
54561 -- WOP, "War Games"
54563 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
54566 What an artist dies with me!
54569 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
54573 What awful irony is this?
54574 We are as gods, but know it not.
54576 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
54578 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54580 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
54581 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
54582 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
54583 Can only be carried on one man's back.
54584 -- Louden Wainwright III
54586 What did you bring that book I didn't want
54587 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
54589 What did you do when the ship sank?
54590 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
54592 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
54593 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
54594 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
54595 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
54596 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
54597 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
54599 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
54602 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
54605 What does education often do?
54606 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
54607 -- Henry David Thoreau
54609 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
54611 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
54612 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
54613 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
54614 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
54615 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
54616 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
54617 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
54618 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
54619 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
54620 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
54621 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
54622 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
54623 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
54624 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
54625 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
54626 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
54628 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
54631 What ever happened to happily ever after?
54633 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
54636 What foods these morsels be!
54638 What fools these morals be!
54640 What fools these mortals be.
54641 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54643 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
54645 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
54647 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
54648 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
54649 country. Nice try anyway, George.
54650 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
54652 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
54653 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
54655 What good is a ticket to the good life,
54656 if you can't find the entrance?
54658 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
54659 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
54661 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
54664 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
54665 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54667 What happened last night can happen again.
54669 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
54670 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
54674 What happens to a dream deferred?
54676 Like a raisin in the sun?
54677 Or fester like a sore --
54679 Does it stink like rotten meat?
54680 Or crust and sugar over --
54681 Like a syrupy sweet?
54686 Or does it explode?
54689 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
54691 What has roots as nobody sees,
54692 Is taller than trees,
54694 And yet never grows?
54696 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
54697 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
54698 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
54699 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
54700 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
54701 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
54702 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
54703 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
54704 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
54705 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
54706 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
54707 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
54708 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
54709 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
54710 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
54711 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54713 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54714 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54715 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54716 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54718 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54719 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54720 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54721 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54723 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54725 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54727 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54728 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54729 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54731 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54732 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54733 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54735 What if there had been room at the inn?
54736 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54738 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54741 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54742 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54743 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54744 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54746 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54747 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54748 3. We may not change our hardware.
54749 4. We may not change our tasks.
54750 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54751 in which the work has to be done.
54753 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54754 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54756 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54758 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54761 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54765 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54766 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54768 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54769 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54770 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54771 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54772 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54773 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54774 all the weak: Christianity.
54775 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54777 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54778 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54780 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54782 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54784 -- Charles Baudelaire
54786 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54789 What is mind? No matter.
54790 What is matter? Never mind.
54791 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
54793 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54796 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54799 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54800 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54803 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54806 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54809 Uh, that still ain't right...
54810 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54811 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54812 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54814 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54815 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54816 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54818 "What is the Nature of God?"
54820 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54824 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54826 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54829 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54831 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54832 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54833 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54834 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54836 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54837 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54838 is the first law of nature.
54841 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54842 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54843 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54844 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54845 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54846 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54847 British civilian morale, 1939
54849 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54850 which is the exact opposite.
54851 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54853 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54855 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54856 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54858 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54859 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54862 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54865 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54866 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54868 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54869 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54871 What makes you think graduate school
54872 is supposed to be satisfying?
54873 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54875 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54877 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54878 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54880 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54881 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54884 What on earth would a man do with himself
54885 if something did not stand in his way?
54888 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54891 What one fool can do, another can.
54892 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
54894 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54896 What pains others pleasures me,
54897 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54898 There i couch in ecstasy,
54899 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54900 Into kernel memory.
54901 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54902 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54904 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54905 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54907 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54908 more than man's transparency.
54911 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54912 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54913 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54914 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54915 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54916 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54917 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54920 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54921 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54922 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54923 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54924 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54925 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54926 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54927 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54928 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54929 their grasp before they were five years old.
54930 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54932 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54933 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54935 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54938 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54939 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54940 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54941 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54942 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54943 The file, the highseg of login.
54944 Why lies it here, on public disk
54945 And why is it now unprotected?
54946 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54947 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54948 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54949 The file, the highseg of login.
54952 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54954 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54957 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54958 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54959 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54960 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54961 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54962 When they come to hang you, lad:
54963 But bacon's not the only thing
54964 That's cured by hanging from a string.
54965 So, when the spilt ink of the night
54966 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
54967 Lads whose job is still to do
54968 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
54971 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
54972 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
54973 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54975 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
54977 What the hell is it good for?
54978 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
54979 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
54980 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
54982 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
54984 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
54985 -- Nikita Khruschev
54987 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
54992 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
54993 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
54994 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
54995 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
54996 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
54998 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
54999 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
55000 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
55001 a long way with his skills."
55002 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
55003 "You won't find many people like her."
55004 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
55005 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
55006 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
55007 felony in my presence.)
55012 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
55014 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
55015 "Her input was always critical."
55016 (She never had a good word to say.)
55017 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
55018 (And it's nonexistent.)
55019 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
55020 already has so many outstanding members."
55021 (Unless you already have a moron.)
55022 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
55023 one unbelievable result after another."
55024 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
55025 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
55026 (In fact, to life in general...)
55031 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
55032 (We certainly never succeeded.)
55033 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
55034 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
55035 "Success will never spoil him."
55036 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
55037 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
55038 (And such a sigh of relief.)
55039 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
55040 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
55041 (And his IQ, as well.)
55042 "He should go far."
55043 (The farther the better.)
55044 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
55045 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
55047 What they say: What they mean:
55049 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
55050 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
55051 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
55052 to unforeseen difficulties
55053 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
55054 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
55055 assured grateful for anything at all.
55056 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
55057 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
55058 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
55060 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
55061 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
55062 approach kicking it around.
55063 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
55065 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
55067 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
55069 What they say: What they mean:
55071 New Different colors from previous version.
55072 All New Not compatible with previous version.
55073 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
55074 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
55075 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
55076 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
55077 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
55078 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
55079 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
55080 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
55081 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
55082 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
55083 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
55084 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
55085 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
55086 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
55087 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
55088 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
55090 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
55092 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
55094 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
55096 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
55098 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
55101 I don't know, it keeps changing.
55103 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
55104 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
55107 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
55108 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
55110 What we Are is God's give to us.
55111 What we Become is our gift to God.
55113 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
55116 What we do not understand we do not possess.
55119 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
55120 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
55121 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
55122 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
55123 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
55124 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
55125 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55126 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55128 What we need is either less corruption,
55129 or more chance to participate in it.
55131 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55134 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55137 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55138 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55141 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55143 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55144 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55146 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55148 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55151 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55152 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55153 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55154 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55156 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55158 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55159 something to occur to you.
55162 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55163 referring to AST's.]
55165 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55167 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55168 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
55169 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
55170 shredding hundred dollar bills."
55173 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55175 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55177 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55181 Whatever happened to the good old days
55182 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55184 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55186 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55188 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55189 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55190 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55192 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55193 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55195 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55196 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55198 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
55202 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55203 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55204 -- Charlotte Whitton
55206 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
55207 but it is very important that you do it.
55210 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55212 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55214 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55216 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55219 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55221 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55224 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55226 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55227 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55231 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55232 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55233 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55235 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55236 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55237 Some say your nose,
55238 Some say your toes,
55239 But I think it's your mind.
55240 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55242 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55245 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55246 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55248 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
55249 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
55252 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55254 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55256 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
55257 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
55260 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55263 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55264 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55266 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55267 inattentions of one.
55270 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55271 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55272 -- George Bernard Shaw
55274 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55275 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55276 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55278 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55279 should consider himself as public property.
55280 -- Thomas Jefferson
55282 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55285 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55286 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55289 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55293 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55294 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55295 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55296 liar who has broken his promises.
55299 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55301 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
55302 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
55303 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55304 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55306 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
55307 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55308 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55309 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55311 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55312 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55315 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55316 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55319 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55320 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55322 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55323 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55324 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55325 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55326 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55327 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55328 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55329 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55330 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55331 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55332 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
55333 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55334 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55336 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55337 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55338 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55341 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55343 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55344 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55346 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55348 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55350 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55352 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55354 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55357 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55358 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55361 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55362 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55364 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55365 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55366 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55368 When asked the definition of "pi":
55370 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55371 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55373 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55377 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55379 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55382 When choosing between two evils, I always
55383 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55384 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55386 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55387 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55390 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55392 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55393 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55394 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55395 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55396 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55397 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55400 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
55402 When does later become never?
55404 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
55405 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
55407 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55410 When forecasting, give them a number
55411 or give them a date, but never both.
55413 When God endowed human beings with brains,
55414 He did not intend to guarantee them.
55416 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55417 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55420 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55421 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55422 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55423 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55424 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55425 himself to destruction.
55428 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55429 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55432 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55433 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55434 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55436 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55438 like my grandfather.
55441 like the passengers in his car...
55443 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55444 and a willingness to compromise.
55445 -- Weber cartoon caption
55447 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55448 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55451 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55452 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55453 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55455 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55456 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55457 what you like now."
55460 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55461 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55462 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55464 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55465 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55466 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55467 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55469 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55471 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55472 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55474 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55475 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55478 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55479 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55481 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55483 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55484 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
55487 When I think about myself,
55488 I almost laugh myself to death,
55489 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
55490 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
55491 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
55492 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
55493 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
55494 I laugh until my stomach ache,
55495 When I think about myself.
55496 My folks can make me split my side,
55497 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
55498 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
55499 They grow the fruit,
55501 I laugh until I start to crying,
55502 When I think about my folks.
55505 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
55506 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
55508 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
55509 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
55512 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
55513 I was an only child... eventually.
55516 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
55517 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
55521 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
55522 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
55523 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
55526 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
55527 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
55530 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
55531 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
55534 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
55536 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
55537 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
55538 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55540 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
55541 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
55543 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
55544 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
55547 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
55548 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55550 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
55551 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
55552 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
55553 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
55554 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
55555 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
55556 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
55557 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
55558 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
55559 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
55561 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
55562 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
55565 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
55566 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
55567 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
55568 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
55571 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
55572 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
55575 When I works, I works hard.
55576 When I sits, I sits easy.
55577 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
55579 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
55580 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
55581 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
55582 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
55583 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
55584 questions like a senator.
55587 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
55590 When in charge ponder,
55591 When in doubt mumble,
55592 When in trouble delegate.
55594 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
55595 to apologize than to get permission.
55596 -- Grace Murray Hopper
55598 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
55600 When in doubt, follow your heart.
55602 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
55603 -- Raymond Chandler
55605 When in doubt, lead trump.
55607 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
55610 When in doubt, tell the truth.
55613 When in doubt, use brute force.
55616 When in panic, fear and doubt,
55617 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
55619 When in this world the headlines read
55620 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
55621 Who rob and steal from those who need
55622 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55623 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55624 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
55625 Fighting all who rob or plunder
55626 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
55630 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
55632 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
55633 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
55635 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
55637 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
55638 it is necessary not to make a decision.
55640 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
55641 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
55643 When license fees are too high,
55644 users do things by hand.
55645 When the management is too intrusive,
55646 users lose their spirit.
55648 Hack for the user's benefit.
55649 Trust them; leave them alone.
55651 When love is gone, there's always justice.
55652 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
55653 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
55657 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
55658 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
55660 When Marriage is Outlawed,
55661 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
55663 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
55666 When my brain begins to reel from my
55667 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
55670 When my fist clenches crack it open,
55671 Before I use it and lose my cool.
55672 When I smile tell me some bad news,
55673 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
55675 And if I swallow anything evil,
55676 Put you finger down my throat.
55677 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
55678 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
55680 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
55683 No one knows what its like to be hated,
55685 To telling only lies.
55688 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
55689 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
55690 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
55691 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
55692 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
55693 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
55694 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
55695 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
55696 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
55697 most unlikely of situations.
55698 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
55700 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
55701 touched, the majority of men live content.
55702 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
55704 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
55706 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55709 When one knows women one pities men,
55710 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55713 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55714 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55716 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55717 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55719 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55721 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55722 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55723 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55724 a camera for professional photographers
55726 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55727 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55728 And Oxygen still had none
55729 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55730 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55731 Called because of rain.
55733 When people have trouble communicating,
55734 the least they can do is to shut up.
55737 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55739 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55741 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55742 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55743 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55745 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55746 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55747 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55748 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55749 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55750 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55751 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55752 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55754 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55755 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55756 is away and you get twice as much done.
55759 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55760 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55762 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55763 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55765 When some people discover the truth, they just
55766 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55768 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55769 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55770 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55771 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55772 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55773 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55775 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55776 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55777 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55779 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55780 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55781 We only want the world to know
55782 That we support the status quo;
55783 They love us everywhere we go,
55784 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55785 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55787 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55788 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55790 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55793 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55795 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55796 of asterisked sentences:
55798 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55799 And costs less than $1,300.**
55801 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55803 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55804 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55805 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55806 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55807 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55809 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55810 you really want to. Or less.
55813 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55816 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55819 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55822 When the candles are out all women are fair.
55825 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55827 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55828 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
55830 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55833 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55834 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55836 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
55839 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55842 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55844 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55846 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55847 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55849 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55850 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55852 When the Guru administers, the users
55853 are hardly aware that he exists.
55854 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55855 Next, one who is feared.
55856 And worst, one who is despised.
55858 If you don't trust the users,
55859 you make them untrustworthy.
55861 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55862 When his work is done,
55863 the users say, "Amazing:
55864 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55866 When the leaders speak of peace
55867 The common folk know
55869 When the leaders curse war
55870 The mobilization order is already written out.
55872 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55873 I go to the market where lies are bought
55875 I take my place among the sellers.
55876 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55878 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55879 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55880 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55881 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55883 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55886 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55889 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55891 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55892 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55893 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55895 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55898 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55902 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55905 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55906 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55907 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55908 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55909 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55910 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55912 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55913 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55914 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55915 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55916 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55917 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55918 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55920 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55921 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55924 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55928 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55929 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55931 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55932 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55933 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55935 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55938 When things go well, expect something to
55939 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55941 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55942 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55943 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55944 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55945 -- George Bernard Shaw
55947 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55948 other user interfaces become ugly.
55949 When users see some programs as winners,
55950 other programs become lossage.
55952 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55953 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55954 Double and float cast to each other.
55955 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55956 While and until follow each other.
55959 programs without doing anything
55960 and teaches without saying anything.
55961 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
55962 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
55963 He has but doesn't possess,
55964 acts but doesn't expect.
55965 When his work is done, he deletes it.
55966 That is why it lasts forever.
55968 When we are planning for posterity,
55969 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
55972 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
55973 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
55974 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
55975 history of war have so few been led by so many.
55976 -- General James Gavin
55978 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
55980 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
55981 except our fingertips will have been singed.
55982 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55984 When we write programs that "learn",
55985 it turns out we do and they don't.
55987 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
55988 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
55990 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
55991 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
55995 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
55996 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
55998 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
55999 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
56000 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
56004 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
56005 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
56008 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
56010 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
56012 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
56013 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
56014 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
56015 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
56016 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
56017 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
56018 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
56019 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
56020 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
56021 from, to torture and unsettle us?
56022 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
56024 When you become used to never being alone,
56025 you may consider yourself Americanized.
56027 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
56029 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
56032 When you dig another out of trouble,
56033 you've got a place to bury your own.
56035 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
56037 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
56039 When you find yourself in danger,
56040 When you're threatened by a stranger,
56041 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
56043 There is one thing you should learn,
56044 When there is no one else to turn to,
56045 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
56046 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
56048 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
56049 And the world makes you King for a day,
56050 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
56051 And see what that guy has to say.
56052 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
56053 Who judgement upon you must pass.
56054 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
56055 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
56056 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
56057 For he's with you clear up to the end,
56058 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
56059 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
56060 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
56061 And think you're a wonderful guy,
56062 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
56063 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
56064 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
56065 And get pats on the back as you pass,
56066 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
56067 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
56068 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
56069 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
56070 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
56071 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
56073 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
56074 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
56077 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
56079 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
56082 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
56083 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
56084 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
56086 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
56087 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
56088 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
56089 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
56092 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
56093 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
56095 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
56096 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
56097 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56099 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
56100 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
56101 know the answer either.
56102 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
56104 When you live in a sick society,
56105 just about everything you do is wrong.
56107 When you make your mark in the world,
56108 watch out for guys with erasers.
56109 -- The Wall Street Journal
56111 When you meet a master swordsman,
56112 show him your sword.
56113 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
56114 do not show him your poem.
56115 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
56117 When you overesteem great hackers,
56118 more users become cretins.
56119 When you develop encryption,
56120 more users become crackers.
56123 by emptying user's minds
56124 and increasing their quotas,
56125 by weakening their ambition
56126 and toughening their resolve.
56127 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56128 management will not try to interfere.
56130 Practice not-looping,
56131 and everything will fall into place.
56133 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56134 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56135 -- Otto von Bismarck
56137 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56138 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56140 When you try to make an impression, the
56141 chances are that is the impression you will make.
56143 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56145 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56146 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56148 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56149 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56150 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56152 When your memory goes, forget it!
56154 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56158 You're a Yup all the way
56159 From your first slice of Brie
56160 To your last Cabernet.
56163 You're not just a dreamer
56164 You're making things happen
56165 You're driving a Beamer.
56167 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56168 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56169 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56170 I feel the same when you are hear.
56171 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56173 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56174 -- David Pryce-Jones
56176 When you're dining out and you suspect
56177 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56179 When you're down and out, lift up your
56180 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56182 When you're in command, command.
56185 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56186 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56187 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56188 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56190 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56192 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56194 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56195 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56196 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56198 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56199 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56200 to become a parrot or something.
56201 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988
56203 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56206 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56207 to spend their weekends with?
56210 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56212 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
56213 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
56216 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56217 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56218 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56221 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56224 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56225 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56226 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56227 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56228 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56229 And he was always human when he talked;
56230 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56231 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56232 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56233 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56234 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56235 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56236 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56237 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56238 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56239 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56240 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56242 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56243 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56245 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56246 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56247 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56249 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56251 Whenever you find that you are on the
56252 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
56255 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56256 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56257 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56258 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56260 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56262 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56264 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56265 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56266 When it's converted to energy?
56267 There is a slight loss of parity.
56268 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56270 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56273 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56276 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56277 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56278 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56280 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56283 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56284 examine the laws of heat.
56285 -- Christopher Morley
56287 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56288 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56289 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56290 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56292 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56293 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56294 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56295 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56298 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56300 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56302 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56303 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56305 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56308 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56310 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56312 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56314 Where will it all end?
56315 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56317 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56318 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56320 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56323 Where's the man could ease a heart
56325 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56327 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56328 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56331 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56332 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56333 Go on, do not rest.
56334 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56336 Whether you can hear it or not
56337 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56338 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56340 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56342 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56343 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56344 -- John Joseph Lynch
56346 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
56347 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
56349 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56350 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56351 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56352 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56353 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56354 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56355 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56358 While having never invented a sin,
56359 I'm trying to perfect several.
56361 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56362 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56363 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56364 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56365 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56366 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56367 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56369 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56370 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56371 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56373 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56374 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56376 And now I see with eye serene
56377 The very pulse of the machine.
56378 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56380 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56381 referring to software interrupts.]
56383 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56384 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56385 -- Edward Stevenson
56387 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
56388 lets you choose your own form of misery.
56390 While most peoples' opinions change,
56391 the conviction of their correctness never does.
56393 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56394 held a gun to his head.
56395 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56396 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56397 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56398 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56399 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56400 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56402 While there's life, there's hope.
56403 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56405 While walking down a crowded
56406 City street the other day,
56407 I heard a little urchin
56408 To a comrade turn and say,
56409 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56410 I'd be happy as a clam
56411 If only I was de feller dat
56412 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56414 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56415 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56416 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56417 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56418 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56419 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56420 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56421 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56422 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56424 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56427 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
56428 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
56430 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56431 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56433 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56434 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56435 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56437 Whip it, whip it good!
56440 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56442 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56444 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56446 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
56447 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
56448 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
56451 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56456 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56457 ...they might want to cut it out...
56459 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56460 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56464 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56467 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56468 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56470 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56473 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56474 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56475 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56477 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56480 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56483 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56487 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
56489 Who loves me will also love my dog.
56492 Who loves not wisely but too well
56493 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
56494 But he whose love is thin and wise
56495 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
56498 Who made the world I cannot tell;
56499 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
56500 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
56501 I never soiled with such a deed.
56504 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
56506 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
56508 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
56509 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
56511 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
56512 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
56514 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
56515 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
56518 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
56520 Who was that masked man?
56522 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
56524 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
56526 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
56527 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
56529 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56531 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
56534 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
56535 pure in heart can make a good soup.
56536 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
56538 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
56540 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
56543 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
56545 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
56547 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
56552 Who's scruffy-looking?
56555 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
56556 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
56558 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
56561 Why are programmers non-productive?
56562 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
56564 Why are programmers rebellious?
56565 Because the management interferes too much.
56567 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
56568 Because they are burnt out.
56570 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
56571 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
56573 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
56574 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
56577 Why are you so hard to ignore?
56579 Why are you watching
56580 The washing machine?
56581 I love entertainment
56582 So long as it's clean.
56584 Professor Doberman:
56585 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
56586 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
56587 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
56588 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
56589 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
56590 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
56591 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
56592 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
56593 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
56594 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
56597 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
56600 Why be a man when you can be a success?
56603 Why be difficult, when, with just a
56604 little more effort, you can be impossible?
56606 Why bother building anymore nuclear
56607 warheads until we use the ones we have?
56609 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
56611 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
56612 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
56614 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
56617 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
56618 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
56619 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
56622 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
56623 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
56625 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
56626 It's quite uncanny.
56628 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
56630 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
56632 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
56634 Why do we want intelligent terminals
56635 when there are so many stupid users?
56637 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
56640 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
56642 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
56643 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
56644 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56646 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
56649 New Jersey had first choice.
56651 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
56654 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
56656 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
56658 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
56659 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
56660 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
56661 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
56663 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56665 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
56666 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
56668 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
56672 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56674 I'd LOVE to, but...
56675 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
56676 -- None of my socks match.
56677 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
56678 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
56679 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
56680 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
56681 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
56682 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
56683 named Basil Metabolism.
56684 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
56685 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
56686 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
56687 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
56688 -- I feel a song coming on.
56690 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56692 I'd LOVE to, but...
56693 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
56694 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
56695 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
56696 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
56697 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
56698 -- My subconscious says no.
56699 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
56700 can't seem to put it down.
56701 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
56702 -- I have to study for my blood test.
56703 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
56704 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
56705 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
56707 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56709 I'd LOVE to, but...
56710 -- I have to floss my cat.
56711 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56712 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56713 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56714 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56715 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56716 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56717 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56718 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56719 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56721 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56723 I'd LOVE to, but...
56724 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56725 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56726 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56727 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56728 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56729 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56730 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56731 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56732 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56733 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56735 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56737 I'd LOVE to, but...
56738 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56739 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56740 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56741 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56742 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56743 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56744 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56745 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56746 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56747 -- My crayons all melted together.
56749 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56751 I'd LOVE to, but ...
56752 -- I have to floss my cat.
56753 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56754 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56755 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56756 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
56757 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56758 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56759 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56760 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56761 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56762 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56763 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56765 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56767 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56769 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56770 It is because we are not the person involved.
56773 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56776 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56779 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56780 way to prove how much she means to me?
56782 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56783 you knowing nothing?
56784 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56786 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56788 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56790 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56791 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56792 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56793 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56794 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56795 I can't think why not.
56796 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56797 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56799 Why not go out on a limb?
56800 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56802 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56803 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56804 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56806 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56808 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56809 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56811 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56812 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56813 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56815 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56817 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56819 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56820 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56822 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56823 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56825 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56828 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56829 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56830 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56831 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56832 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56833 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56834 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56835 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56836 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56837 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56838 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56839 eternity for his faithlessness.
56840 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56841 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56843 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56846 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56848 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56849 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56850 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56851 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56854 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56855 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56858 Government expands to absorb all
56859 available revenue and then some.
56862 A pat on the back is only a few
56863 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56865 Will Rogers never met you.
56867 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56868 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56870 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56871 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56874 Williams and Holland's Law:
56875 If enough data is collected,
56876 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56878 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56879 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56880 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56881 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56883 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56884 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56885 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56886 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56888 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56889 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56890 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56891 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
56892 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56894 Wilner's Observation:
56895 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56897 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56900 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56902 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56903 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56904 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56907 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56910 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56911 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56913 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56914 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56915 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56917 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56920 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56922 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56926 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56928 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56930 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56931 try to be a fraud and a half.
56932 -- Otto von Bismarck
56934 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56935 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56937 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56938 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56940 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56941 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56942 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56944 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56946 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56947 they make a law it's a joke.
56950 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56951 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56952 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56953 is no such thing as progress.
56956 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
56957 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
56960 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
56962 With reasonable men I will reason;
56963 with humane men I will plead;
56964 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
56965 -- William Lloyd Garrison
56967 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
56968 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
56969 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
56970 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
56972 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
56973 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
56975 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
56976 the city and forty on the highway."
56978 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
56979 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
56980 close. Like catching snakes.
56983 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
56985 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
56986 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
56987 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
56988 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
56989 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
56990 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
56991 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
56992 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
56993 White House's National Security Council, Washington
56994 Post, 21 March, 1982
56996 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
56997 -- Alfred North Whitehead
56999 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
57000 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
57001 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
57002 important to him than his table or his white robe.
57003 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
57005 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
57007 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
57009 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
57011 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
57012 without intelligence love is not enough.
57015 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
57018 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
57019 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
57020 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
57021 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
57023 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
57024 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
57025 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
57028 A man who knows all the ankles.
57030 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
57031 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
57033 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
57036 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
57037 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
57041 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
57042 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
57043 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57045 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
57046 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
57047 I shall be sober in the morning.
57049 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
57050 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
57051 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
57052 that he might love her.
57055 Woman would be more charming if one could
57056 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
57059 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
57062 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
57063 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
57064 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
57065 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
57066 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
57067 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
57068 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
57071 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
57072 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
57075 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
57076 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
57077 marriage certificates, and defy you.
57080 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
57081 from charity, or revenge?
57082 -- Gustave Vapereau
57084 Women are just like men, only different.
57086 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
57087 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
57090 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
57093 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
57096 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
57099 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
57102 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
57103 but it takes more of them to do it.
57105 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
57108 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
57109 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
57112 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
57113 as good as any other.
57114 -- Philippe De Remi
57116 Women give themselves to God when the
57117 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
57120 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
57121 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
57124 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
57125 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
57128 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
57129 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
57130 original earth clinging to the roots.
57133 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57134 than men who reason with the head.
57137 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57138 but never a man who misses one.
57139 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57141 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57142 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57145 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57146 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57147 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57150 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57151 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57154 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57155 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57158 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57159 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57162 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57164 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57165 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57166 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57169 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57171 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57172 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57174 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57175 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57176 Socrates, quoting Plato
57179 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57181 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57182 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57183 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57184 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57185 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57186 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57189 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57190 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57191 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57192 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57193 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57194 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57195 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57196 although their insurance rates went way up.
57197 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57200 A theory is better than its explanation.
57202 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57203 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57204 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57205 -- Cheers, Airport V
57207 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57208 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57209 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57212 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57213 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57215 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57216 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57217 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57219 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57220 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57221 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57223 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57224 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57225 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57227 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57228 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57229 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57231 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57232 swallowed the canary.
57233 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57234 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57236 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57237 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57238 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57240 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57241 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57242 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57244 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57245 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57246 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57248 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57249 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57250 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57252 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57254 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57255 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57256 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57258 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57259 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57260 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57262 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57263 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57264 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57266 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57267 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57268 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57270 Sam: How's life treating you?
57271 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57272 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57274 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57275 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57277 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57278 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57280 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57281 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57282 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57284 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57285 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57286 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57288 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57289 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57290 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57291 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57293 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57294 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57295 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57297 Words are the voice of the heart.
57299 Words can never express what words can never express.
57301 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57304 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57307 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57308 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57310 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57311 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57314 Work continues in this area.
57315 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57317 Work expands to fill the time available.
57318 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57320 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57321 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57323 -- Bertrand Russell
57325 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57328 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57331 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57332 a handshake, and have fun.
57333 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57334 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57336 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57337 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57338 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57339 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57340 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57343 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57345 Work without a vision is slavery,
57346 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57347 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57349 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
57352 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57354 -- Christopher Plummer
57356 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57357 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57358 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57359 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57360 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57361 error in the world."
57364 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57367 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57368 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57370 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57371 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57372 -- Steve Rubenstein
57374 Worst Month of the Year:
57375 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57376 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
57377 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57378 -- Steve Rubenstein
57380 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57381 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57382 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
57383 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
57385 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57386 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57387 -- Steve Rubenstein
57390 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57393 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57394 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57395 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57396 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57399 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57400 -- Princess Leia Organa
57402 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57405 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57407 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57410 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57412 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57414 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57416 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
57418 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
57419 trial testimony, 1947
57421 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57424 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57426 -- "Broadcast News"
57428 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57431 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57434 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57436 write-protect tab, n:
57437 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
57438 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
57439 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
57443 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57444 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57445 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57446 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57447 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57448 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57449 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57450 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57451 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57452 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57453 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57454 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57456 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57459 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57461 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57462 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57465 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57468 Writing software is more fun than working.
57472 "Wrong," said Renner.
57474 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57475 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57478 What You See Is What You Get.
57481 Accept any substitute.
57482 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57483 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57484 Form follows malfunction.
57485 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57486 The trailing edge of software technology.
57487 Armageddon never looked so good.
57488 Japan's secret weapon.
57489 You'll envy the dead.
57490 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57491 Let it get in YOUR way.
57492 The problem for your problem.
57493 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57494 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57495 Simplicity made complex.
57496 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57497 Flakey and built to stay that way.
57499 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
57503 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
57504 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
57505 Built to take on the world... and lose!
57506 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
57507 Power tools for Power Fools.
57508 Putting new limits on productivity.
57509 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
57510 Design by counterexample.
57511 A new level of software disintegration.
57512 No hardware is safe.
57514 Rationalization, not realization.
57515 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
57516 Gratuitous incompatibility.
57518 THE user interference management system.
57519 You can't argue with failure.
57520 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
57522 The environment of today... tomorrow!
57526 Something you can be ashamed of.
57527 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
57528 The first fully modular software disaster.
57529 Rome was destroyed in a day.
57530 Warn your friends about it.
57531 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
57532 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
57533 Don't wait for the movie.
57534 Never use it after a big meal.
57536 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
57537 It'll make your day.
57538 Don't get frustrated without it.
57539 Power tools for power losers.
57540 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
57541 Never had it. Never will.
57542 The software with no visible means of support.
57543 More than just a generation behind.
57545 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
57549 The ultimate bottleneck.
57550 Flawed beyond belief.
57551 The only thing you have to fear.
57552 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
57553 On autopilot to oblivion.
57554 The joke that kills.
57555 A disgrace you can be proud of.
57556 A mistake carried out to perfection.
57557 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
57558 To err is X windows.
57559 Ignorance is our most important resource.
57560 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
57561 Built to fall apart.
57562 Nullifying centuries of progress.
57563 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
57564 The last thing you need.
57565 The de facto substandard.
57567 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
57571 We will dump no core before its time.
57572 One good crash deserves another.
57573 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
57575 It didn't even look good on paper.
57576 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
57577 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
57578 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
57579 It could happen to you.
57580 The art of incompetence.
57581 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
57582 When uselessness just isn't enough.
57583 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
57584 When you can't afford to be right.
57585 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
57587 If it works, it isn't X windows.
57590 You'd better sit down.
57591 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
57592 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
57593 Live the nightmare.
57594 Our bugs run faster.
57595 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
57596 There ARE no rules.
57597 You'll wish we were kidding.
57598 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
57599 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
57600 There's got to be a better way.
57601 The next best thing to keypunching.
57602 Leave the thrashing to us.
57603 We wrote the book on core dumps.
57604 Even your dog won't like it.
57605 More than enough rope.
57606 Garbage at your fingertips.
57608 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
57611 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
57613 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
57615 XEROX never does anything original.
57618 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
57619 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
57620 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
57621 the managers would fly off.
57623 It costs a lot to build bad products.
57625 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
57626 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
57627 intermingle the two.
57629 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
57630 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
57631 of every airplane's weight.
57633 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
57634 and two-thirds of the problems.
57635 -- Norman Augustine
57638 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
57639 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
57640 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57643 The more one produces, the less one gets.
57645 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
57647 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
57649 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
57650 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
57651 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
57653 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
57654 unexpected should have been expected.
57656 A billion saved is a billion earned.
57657 -- Norman Augustine
57660 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
57661 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
57663 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
57664 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
57665 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
57666 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
57668 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
57670 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
57671 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
57672 as long as the official's who created it.
57674 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
57675 government workers than there are workers.
57677 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
57678 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
57679 -- Norman Augustine
57681 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
57684 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
57686 -- XML guru Chris Maden
57688 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
57689 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
57692 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
57693 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
57694 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
57695 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
57697 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
57698 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
57700 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
57701 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
57702 ten degradation accomplished.
57704 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
57705 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
57707 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
57708 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
57709 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
57710 -- Norman Augustine
57713 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
57715 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
57716 not selling advice.
57718 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
57719 currently estimated.
57721 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
57722 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
57723 costly action known to man.
57725 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
57726 or a new canvas to an artist.
57727 -- Norman Augustine
57730 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57731 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57733 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57735 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57737 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57738 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57739 hang on about half a decade.
57741 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57742 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57743 -- Norman Augustine
57746 The optimum committee has no members.
57748 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57749 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57751 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57753 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57754 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57757 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57758 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57759 the data authenticity.
57760 -- Norman Augustine
57763 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57764 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57765 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57766 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57768 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57769 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57771 The early bird gets the worm.
57772 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57774 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57775 the year -- in either direction.
57777 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57778 -- Norman Augustine
57780 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57782 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57783 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57784 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57785 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57786 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57787 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57789 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57790 rays and became a tangent ?
57792 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57793 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57795 Yea from the table of my memory
57796 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57799 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57800 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57801 operators together.
57804 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57806 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57808 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57809 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57811 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57812 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57816 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57817 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57820 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57822 Year Name James Bond Book
57823 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57824 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57825 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57826 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57827 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57828 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57829 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57830 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57831 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57832 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57833 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57834 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57835 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57836 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57837 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57838 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57839 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57840 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57841 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57842 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57845 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57848 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57850 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57852 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57855 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57856 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57859 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57860 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57861 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57862 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57863 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57864 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57865 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57867 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57869 -- George Michaelson
57871 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57872 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57873 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57876 Yesterday upon the stair
57877 I met a man who wasn't there.
57878 He wasn't there again today --
57879 I think he's from the CIA.
57881 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57882 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57883 I'm not respectable.
57884 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57886 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57890 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57891 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57894 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57895 hoping no one will notice.
57896 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57898 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57900 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57901 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57903 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57905 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57907 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57908 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57909 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57910 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57912 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57914 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57917 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57920 You are always busy.
57922 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57924 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57925 I demand that you log off immediately.
57927 You are as I am with You.
57929 You are capable of planning your future.
57931 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57933 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57935 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57936 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57938 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57940 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57942 You are false data.
57944 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57945 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57947 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57949 You are going to have a new love affair.
57960 But you're not all there.
57962 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
57964 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
57966 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
57968 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
57970 You are loved by the multitudes.
57971 Have you been to the clinic lately?
57973 You are magnetic in your bearing.
57975 You are never given a wish without also being given the
57976 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
57978 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
57980 You are not a fool just because you have done
57981 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
57983 You are not dead yet.
57984 But watch for further reports.
57986 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
57987 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
57988 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
57991 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
57992 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
57994 You are number 6! Who is number one?
57996 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
57997 "All your papers these days look the same;
57998 Those William's would be better unread --
57999 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
58001 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
58002 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
58003 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
58004 Made it pointless to think any more."
58006 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
58007 "And your hair has become very white;
58008 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
58009 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
58011 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
58012 "I feared it might injure the brain;
58013 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
58014 Why, I do it again and again."
58017 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
58018 That your lectures bore people to death.
58019 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
58020 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
58022 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
58023 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
58024 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58025 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
58027 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
58028 For anything tougher than suet;
58029 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
58030 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
58032 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
58033 And argued each case with my wife;
58034 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
58035 Has lasted the rest of my life."
58038 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
58039 And there isn't one language you like;
58040 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
58041 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
58043 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
58044 "Every language looks equally bad;
58045 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
58046 And don't realize that they've been had."
58048 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58049 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
58050 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
58051 Pray what is the reason of that?"
58053 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
58054 "I kept all my limbs very supple
58055 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
58056 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
58059 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
58060 And make errors few people could bear;
58061 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
58062 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
58064 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
58065 "But my stature these days is so great
58066 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
58067 And to stop me it's now far too late."
58069 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
58070 That your eye was as steady as ever;
58071 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
58072 What made you so awfully clever?"
58074 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
58075 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
58076 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
58077 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
58080 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
58082 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
58083 Therefore you have few friends.
58085 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
58086 I like that in a person.
58088 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
58090 You are standing on my toes.
58092 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
58094 You are the only person to ever get this message.
58096 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
58097 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
58098 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
58099 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
58100 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
58101 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
58102 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
58103 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
58104 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
58105 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
58106 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
58107 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
58108 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
58109 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
58111 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
58112 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
58113 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
58115 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
58116 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
58118 You ask what a nice girl will do?
58119 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
58120 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
58122 You attempt things that you do not even plan
58123 because of your extreme stupidity.
58127 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
58129 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
58130 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
58131 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
58132 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
58133 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
58134 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
58135 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58136 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58137 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58139 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58142 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58144 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58145 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58146 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58147 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58148 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58149 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58150 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58152 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58153 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58155 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58157 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58158 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58160 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58161 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58162 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
58164 You can be replaced by this computer.
58166 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58167 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58169 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58170 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58171 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58173 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58174 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58175 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58176 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58179 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58182 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58183 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58184 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58185 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58186 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58187 -- The Palindromist
58189 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58190 Blackmail a senior executive.
58192 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58195 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58196 Why do you find that funny?
58197 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58199 You can do very well in speculation where
58200 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58202 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58204 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58205 and the budget is big enough.
58206 -- Joseph E. Levine
58208 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58209 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58211 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58212 and all of the people some of the time,
58213 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58215 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58216 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58218 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58220 You can get everything in life you want,
58221 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58223 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58224 can with just a kind word.
58227 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58228 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58230 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58232 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58234 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58236 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58237 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58239 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58240 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58242 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58243 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58246 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58247 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58250 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58251 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58255 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58256 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58259 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58262 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58264 -- Franklin P. Jones
58266 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58268 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58269 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58272 You can move the world with an idea,
58273 but you have to think of it first.
58275 You can never do just one thing.
58278 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58280 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58281 -- Jeannette Rankin
58283 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58284 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58286 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58287 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58289 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58290 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58292 You can now buy more gates with less
58293 specifications than at any other time in history.
58296 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58299 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58301 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58303 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58304 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58305 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58308 You can tell how far we have to go,
58309 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
58312 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58315 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58317 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58318 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
58320 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58321 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58323 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58325 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58326 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58329 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58332 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58334 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58336 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58339 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58342 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58344 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58346 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58348 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58349 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58352 You can't cheat the phone company.
58354 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58356 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58357 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
58359 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58362 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58365 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58366 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58367 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58368 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58369 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58371 You can't fall off the floor.
58373 You can't get there from here.
58375 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58377 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58380 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58383 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58384 -- Booker T. Washington
58386 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58388 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58390 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58391 only sooner than she thought you would.
58393 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58394 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58395 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58397 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58399 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58401 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58402 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58404 You can't push on a string.
58406 You can't run away forever,
58407 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58408 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58410 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58414 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58415 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58418 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58419 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58422 You can't take damsel here now.
58424 You can't take it with you --
58425 especially when crossing a state line.
58427 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58428 either they have it, or they don't.
58429 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58431 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58432 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58433 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58435 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
58436 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
58438 You could live a better life, if you
58439 had a better mind and a better body.
58441 You couldn't even prove the White House
58442 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
58443 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58445 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58449 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58451 You do not have mail.
58453 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58455 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58456 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58457 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58459 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58462 You don't have to know how the computer
58463 works, just how to work the computer.
58465 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58468 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58471 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
58472 reason to eat with knitting needles.
58473 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58475 You enjoy the company of other people.
58477 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58478 now than you did when you used to.
58480 You fill a much-needed gap.
58482 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58483 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58484 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58485 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58486 names. Here's the complete text:
58488 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58489 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58490 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58491 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58492 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58493 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58494 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58495 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58497 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58498 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58500 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58502 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58503 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58504 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
58506 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
58508 You get what you pay for.
58511 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
58512 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
58515 You go down to the pickup station,
58516 craving warmth and beauty;
58517 You settle for less than fascination --
58518 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
58519 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
58520 on this strange new flesh you've found --
58521 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
58522 you hurry to the blackness
58523 and the blankets to lay down an impression
58524 and your loneliness.
58527 You got to be very careful if you don't know
58528 where you're going, because you might not get there.
58531 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
58532 And you know it don't come easy ...
58533 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
58534 And you know it don't come easy ...
58536 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
58538 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
58540 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
58543 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
58545 You had some happiness once,
58546 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
58548 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
58550 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
58552 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
58554 You have a message from the operator.
58556 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
58557 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
58559 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
58561 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
58563 You have a strong desire for a home
58564 and your family interests come first.
58566 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
58568 You have a truly strong individuality.
58570 You have a will that can be influenced
58571 by all with whom you come in contact.
58573 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
58575 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
58577 You are permanently confused.
58580 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
58583 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
58584 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
58587 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
58589 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
58591 You have an unusual equipment for success.
58592 Be sure to use it properly.
58594 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
58595 metal objects which are not fastened down.
58597 You have an unusual understanding of
58598 the problems of human relationships.
58600 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
58601 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
58603 You have been selected for a secret mission.
58605 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
58607 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
58609 You have junk mail.
58611 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
58615 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
58617 You have no real enemies.
58619 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
58620 -- John Viscount Morley
58622 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
58623 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
58625 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
58628 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
58629 You'll learn a lot today.
58631 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
58633 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
58634 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
58637 You humans are all alike.
58639 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
58640 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
58641 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
58643 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
58646 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
58647 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
58649 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
58652 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
58653 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
58654 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
58656 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
58659 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
58660 you people are all going to owe me big.
58663 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
58664 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
58666 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
58667 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
58670 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
58673 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
58674 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
58675 You play around you lose your wife,
58676 You play too long, you lose your life.
58677 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
58678 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
58680 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
58682 -- M. Somerset Maugham
58684 You know, the difference between this company and
58685 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
58687 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
58688 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
58689 you can always change the channel.
58692 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
58693 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
58696 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
58697 and I had my hands about it.
58698 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
58700 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
58704 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
58705 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
58706 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
58707 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
58708 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
58710 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
58713 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
58714 -- S. Rickly Christian
58716 You know your apartment is small...
58717 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
58718 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
58719 you have to go outside to change your mind.
58720 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
58722 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
58723 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
58725 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
58726 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
58727 mother is allowed to take.
58729 You know you're in a small town when...
58730 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
58731 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
58732 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
58733 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58734 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58735 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58736 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58738 You know you're in trouble when...
58739 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58740 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58741 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58743 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58744 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58745 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58746 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58748 You know you're in trouble when...
58749 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58750 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58751 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58752 and there aren't any.
58753 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58754 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58755 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58756 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58758 You know you're in trouble when...
58759 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58761 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58762 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58763 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58764 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58765 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58766 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58767 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58769 You know you're in trouble when...
58770 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58771 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58772 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58773 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58774 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58775 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58776 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58777 after you bought a waterbed.
58778 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58779 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58782 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58783 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58784 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58785 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58787 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58788 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58790 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58792 You learn to write as if to someone else
58793 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58795 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58797 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58798 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58799 -- Remington Steele
58801 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58807 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58809 You may already be a loser.
58810 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58812 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58813 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58815 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58816 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58818 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58820 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58821 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58824 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58825 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58828 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58829 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58830 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58832 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58836 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58838 You may have heard that a dean is
58839 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58842 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58843 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58844 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58846 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58847 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58849 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58852 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58853 making lots of little phone companies?
58855 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58856 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58857 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58858 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58859 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58861 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58862 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58863 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58864 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58866 You might have mail.
58868 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58869 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58870 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58873 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58874 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58876 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58877 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58878 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58879 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58880 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58881 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58882 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58883 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58884 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58886 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58887 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58888 are merely deputies of that one.
58891 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58892 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58894 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58896 You need no longer worry about the future.
58897 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58899 You need not worry about your future.
58901 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58902 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58903 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58905 -- Charles A. Beard
58907 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58910 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58912 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58914 You never have to change anything you
58915 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58918 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58920 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58923 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58926 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58928 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58929 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58930 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58931 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58932 guys were getting stoned!
58935 You now have Asian Flu.
58937 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58938 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58939 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58941 -- J. Wellington Wells
58943 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58945 You plan things that you do not even
58946 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58948 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58950 You prefer the company of the opposite
58951 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58953 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58954 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
58957 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
58959 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
58960 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
58968 Let's go be the Vice President...
58970 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
58972 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
58973 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
58974 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
58975 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
58976 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
58977 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
58978 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
58979 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
58980 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
58981 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
58982 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
58983 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
58987 You see things; and you say "Why?"
58988 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
58989 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
58990 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
58992 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
58993 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
58994 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
58995 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
58997 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
58999 You seek to shield those you love
59000 and you like the role of the provider.
59002 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
59004 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
59007 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
59009 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
59012 You should go home.
59014 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
59015 incest and folk-dancing.
59016 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
59018 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
59020 -- Ernest Rutherford
59022 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
59023 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
59024 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
59026 You should never wear your best trousers
59027 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
59030 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
59031 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
59032 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
59033 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
59034 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
59035 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
59036 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
59037 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
59039 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
59040 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
59041 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
59042 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
59043 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
59044 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
59045 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
59046 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
59047 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
59048 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
59050 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
59052 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
59054 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
59055 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
59056 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
59058 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
59059 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
59061 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
59062 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
59065 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
59067 You teach best what you most need to learn.
59069 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
59071 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
59073 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
59074 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
59075 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
59077 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
59078 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
59079 make really big Zorkmids."
59081 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
59082 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
59084 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
59086 You too can wear a nose mitten.
59088 You tread upon my patience.
59089 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
59091 You two ought to be more careful--
59092 your love could drag on for years and years.
59094 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
59095 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
59098 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
59100 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
59102 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
59104 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
59106 You will be advanced socially,
59107 without any special effort on your part.
59109 You will be aided greatly by a person
59110 whom you thought to be unimportant.
59112 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
59113 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
59115 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
59117 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
59119 You will be awarded some great honor.
59121 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
59123 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
59125 You will be dead within a year.
59127 You will be divorced within a year.
59129 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
59131 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59133 You will be honored for contributing
59134 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59136 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59137 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59139 You will be married within a year.
59141 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59143 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59145 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59147 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59149 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59151 You will be run over by a bus.
59153 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59155 You will be successful in love.
59157 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59159 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59161 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59163 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59165 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59167 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59169 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59171 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59173 You will contract a rare disease.
59175 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59177 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59179 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59181 You will find me drinking gin
59182 In the lowest kind of inn,
59183 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59184 -- G. K. Chesterton
59186 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59188 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59190 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59192 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59194 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59196 You will get what you deserve.
59198 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59200 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59202 You will have a long and boring life.
59204 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59206 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59208 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59210 You will have long and healthy life.
59212 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59214 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59216 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59218 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59220 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59222 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59224 You will lose an important disk file.
59226 You will lose an important tape file.
59228 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59229 mayonnaise salesman.
59231 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59233 You will never amount to much.
59234 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59236 You will never know hunger.
59238 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59240 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59242 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59244 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59246 You will pass away very quickly.
59248 You will pay for your sins.
59249 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59251 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59253 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59255 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59257 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59259 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59261 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59262 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59263 the butter upon a hot day.
59266 You will soon forget this.
59268 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59270 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59272 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59273 but only because your brakes are defective.
59275 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59277 You will triumph over your enemy.
59279 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59281 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59283 You will wish you hadn't.
59285 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59288 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59290 You worry too much about your job.
59291 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59293 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59294 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59295 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59296 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59297 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59298 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59299 yourself in this way."
59300 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59302 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59304 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59305 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59306 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59308 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59309 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59313 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59314 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59316 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59319 What you always were,
59320 Which has nothing to do with,
59321 All to do, with her.
59324 You'll be called to a post requiring
59325 ability in handling groups of people.
59329 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59330 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59332 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59334 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59336 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59337 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59339 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59340 hard things when they were easier to do.
59342 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59343 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59344 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59345 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59346 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59347 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59348 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59349 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59350 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59351 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59352 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59353 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59354 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59355 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59356 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59357 the defects of both.
59358 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59360 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59361 old men hearkened when he was young.
59364 Young men think old men are fools;
59365 but old men know young men are fools.
59368 Your aim is high and to the right.
59370 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59372 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
59373 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
59375 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59376 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59378 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59380 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59382 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59384 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59386 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59388 Your code should be more efficient!
59390 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59392 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59394 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59397 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59398 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59399 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59400 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59401 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59402 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59403 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59404 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59405 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59406 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59407 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59408 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59409 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59410 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59411 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59412 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59413 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59414 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59416 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59418 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59420 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59421 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59422 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59423 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59424 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59425 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59426 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59427 seconds if we felt like it.
59428 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59430 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59432 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59434 Your fault - core dumped
59436 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59439 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59444 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59445 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59446 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59447 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59448 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59450 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59451 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59452 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59453 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59454 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59459 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59460 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
59461 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59462 and you will live all the days of your life.
59464 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59465 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59466 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59467 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59468 miss two car payments.
59470 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59471 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59472 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59473 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59474 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59480 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59481 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59482 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59483 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59484 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59486 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59487 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59488 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59489 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59492 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59493 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59494 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59495 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59496 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59497 than people who work standing up.
59499 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59500 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59501 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59503 Your goose is cooked.
59504 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
59506 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
59508 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
59510 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
59512 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
59514 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
59516 Your love life will be... interesting.
59518 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
59520 Your lucky color has faded.
59522 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
59524 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
59525 Watch for it everywhere.
59527 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
59528 original and the part that is original is not good.
59531 Your mind is the part of you that says,
59532 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
59533 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
59534 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
59535 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
59537 Your mind understands what you have been
59538 taught; your heart, what is true.
59540 Your mode of life will be changed for
59541 the better because of good news soon.
59543 Your mode of life will be changed for
59544 the better because of new developments.
59546 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
59548 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
59550 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
59551 Face like ice, a little bit colder
59552 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
59553 You learned in school"
59554 But I don't really see
59555 Why can't we go on as three?
59556 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
59558 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
59559 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
59561 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
59563 Your object is to save the world,
59564 while still leading a pleasant life.
59566 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
59567 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
59568 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
59569 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
59570 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
59572 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
59574 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
59576 Your password is pitifully obvious.
59578 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
59580 Your present plans will be successful.
59582 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
59584 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
59586 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
59587 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
59588 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
59589 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
59591 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
59593 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
59595 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
59597 Your step will soil many countries.
59599 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
59601 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
59603 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
59604 be relieved in a surprising manner.
59606 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
59608 Your wig steers the gig.
59611 Your wise men don't know how it feels
59612 To be thick as a brick.
59613 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
59615 Your worship is your furnaces
59616 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
59617 have molten bowels; your vision is
59618 machines for making more machines.
59619 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
59621 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
59623 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
59624 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
59626 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
59627 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
59629 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
59630 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
59632 You're all clear now, kid.
59633 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
59636 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
59638 You're already carrying the sphere!
59640 You're always thinking you're gonna be
59641 the one that makes 'em act different.
59642 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
59644 You're at the end of the road again.
59646 You're at Witt's End.
59648 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
59650 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
59652 You're definitely on their list.
59653 The question to ask next is what list it is.
59655 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
59656 -- Eldridge Cleaver
59658 You're growing out of some of your problems,
59659 but there are others that you're growing into.
59661 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
59662 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
59665 You're never too old to become younger.
59668 You're not Dave. Who are you?
59670 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59673 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
59675 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
59676 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
59678 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
59680 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
59682 You're working under a slight handicap.
59683 You happen to be human.
59685 Yours is not to reason why,
59687 And when you find you have to throw
59689 Remember life as was it is,
59691 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
59692 'Till silence is but a blur.
59695 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
59697 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
59698 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
59699 -- Robert F. Kennedy
59701 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
59703 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
59704 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
59706 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
59707 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
59709 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
59710 -- George Bernard Shaw
59712 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
59714 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
59715 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
59717 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
59720 You've been Berkeley'ed!
59722 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
59724 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
59725 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
59726 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
59728 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59731 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59733 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59735 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
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59738 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59739 (see also Computer).
59742 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59744 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59748 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59751 The result of shutting down a production line.
59753 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59754 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59756 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59759 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59761 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
59762 since I first called my brother's father dad.
59763 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59765 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59766 People are always available for work in the past tense.