1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
74 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
77 A dozen, a gross and a score,
78 Plus three times the square root of four,
80 Plus five times eleven,
81 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
83 -- Gifts for Children --
85 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
86 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
87 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
88 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
89 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
90 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
91 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
92 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
93 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
94 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
95 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
99 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
100 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
101 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
102 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
103 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
104 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
105 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
106 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
107 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
108 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
109 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
111 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
112 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
114 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
120 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
121 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
126 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
127 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
128 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
133 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
134 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
135 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
136 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
137 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
138 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
139 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
140 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
141 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
142 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
143 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
144 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
145 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
147 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
149 Has your family tried 'em?
153 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
155 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
156 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
160 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
161 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
162 stains that indicate freshness.
164 It's grad exam time...
166 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
167 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
168 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
169 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
170 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
173 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
174 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
175 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
178 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
180 It's grad exam time...
182 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
183 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
184 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
187 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
188 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
189 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
190 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
193 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
194 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
195 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
199 a) extremely dangerous.
201 c) the fault of the previous administration.
202 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
203 The correct answer is b.
204 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
205 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
206 you have nothing to worry about.
208 Pittsburgh driver's test
209 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
211 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
214 The correct answer is d.
215 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
218 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
219 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
220 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
222 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
223 The correct answer is d.
224 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
226 Answer c is worth a half point.
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
234 The correct answer is b.
235 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
236 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
237 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
241 How often should you test it?
246 The correct answer is d.
247 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
248 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
251 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
252 but a steady left tail light. This means
253 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
254 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
255 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
256 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
257 d) The driver is from out of town.
258 The correct answer is d.
259 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
261 Pittsburgh driver's test
266 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
267 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
268 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
271 Pittsburgh driver's test
272 9: Roads are salted in order to
277 The correct answer is c.
278 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
279 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
280 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
283 THE STORY OF CREATION
287 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
288 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
289 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
290 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
291 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
292 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
293 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
296 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
299 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
300 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
301 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
302 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
303 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
305 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
306 he met the traveling salesman.
307 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
308 in high-level language.
309 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
310 and Apples," commented Jack.
311 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
312 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
313 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
314 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
316 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
317 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
320 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
322 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
323 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
326 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
327 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
328 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
329 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
330 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
335 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
336 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
337 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
339 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
340 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
341 Know what to kiss -- and when.
342 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
344 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
345 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
346 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
347 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
349 You are a fluke of the universe ...
350 You have no right to be here.
351 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
352 Is laughing behind your back.
356 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
358 Double bucky, you're the one!
359 You make my keyboard lots of fun
360 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
362 Control and Meta side by side,
363 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
364 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
366 Double bucky, left and right
367 OR'd together, outta sight!
368 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
369 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
370 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
371 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
372 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
373 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
376 Hard Copies and Chmod
378 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
379 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
380 user-hostile software
382 of course they're only bits and bytes
383 and characters and strings
386 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
387 telling me he loves me and
388 he'll take care of me
390 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
391 deep intimate secrets and
392 how he doesn't trust me
394 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
395 on personal stationery
396 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
398 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
399 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
400 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
401 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
403 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
404 neither has street credibility.
405 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
406 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
408 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
410 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
411 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
412 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
413 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
414 up of western dualism?
415 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
418 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
419 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
420 All kludgy were the function flows
421 And subroutines adhoc.
423 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
424 squrooneg, the false goto
425 Beware the infiniteloop
426 And shun the inprectoo.
428 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
429 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
430 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
431 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
432 when you hit the ground.
433 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
434 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
435 to psychological problems.
436 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
437 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
438 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
439 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
440 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
441 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
442 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
443 staggering illegally.
444 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
445 sanitary due to limited circulation.
446 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
449 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
450 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
451 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
452 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
453 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
454 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
455 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
456 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
457 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
458 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
459 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
460 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
461 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
462 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
463 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
464 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
465 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
466 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
467 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
470 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
472 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
473 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
475 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
476 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
477 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
479 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
480 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
481 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
482 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
483 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
484 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
486 The Three Major Kind of Tools
488 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
489 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
490 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
491 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
493 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
495 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
496 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
497 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
498 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
499 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
501 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
502 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
503 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
504 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
505 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
506 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
507 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
508 And we've also found Just flip one switch
509 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
510 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
512 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
513 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
514 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
516 'Twas the Night before Crisis
518 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
519 Not a program was working not even a browse.
520 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
521 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
522 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
523 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
524 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
525 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
526 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
527 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
528 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
529 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
530 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
531 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
532 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
533 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
534 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
535 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
537 What I Did During My Fall Semester
538 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
539 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
540 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
542 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
543 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
544 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
546 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
547 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
548 I found a thesis topic:
549 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
550 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
551 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
553 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
555 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
556 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
557 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
558 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
559 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
560 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
561 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
562 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
563 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
564 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
565 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
566 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
567 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
568 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
569 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
570 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
576 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
580 The integral of z squared, dz
581 From 1 to the square root of 3
584 Is the log of the cube root of e
588 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
589 Plans to "Eat it later"
591 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
593 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
594 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
595 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
596 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
597 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
598 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
599 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
600 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
601 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
602 you should blame when you make a mistake.
604 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
605 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
606 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
608 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
610 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
613 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
614 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
615 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
616 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
617 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
618 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
619 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
620 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
621 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
622 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
623 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
624 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
625 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
626 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
627 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
629 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
630 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
631 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
632 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
633 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
635 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
636 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
637 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
638 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
640 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
641 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
642 try this simple test:
643 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
644 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
645 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
646 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
647 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
648 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
650 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
652 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
653 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
654 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
655 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
656 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
657 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
658 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
659 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
660 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
661 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
662 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
663 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
664 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
665 yourself in the morning.
668 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
670 System going down in 60 seconds
674 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
675 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
676 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
677 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
678 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
679 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
680 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
681 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
682 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
683 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
684 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
686 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
688 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
690 7,140 pounds on the Sun
691 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
693 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
694 43 pounds on the Moon
695 648 pounds on Jupiter
697 303 pounds on Neptune
700 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
703 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
704 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
705 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
706 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
708 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
709 of carp-to-carp walleting."
711 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
712 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
713 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
714 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
715 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
716 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
717 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
718 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
719 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
720 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
722 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
723 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
724 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
725 have what I think is a pretty good act."
726 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
727 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
728 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
729 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
730 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
731 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
732 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
733 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
734 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
735 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
738 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
741 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
742 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
743 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
744 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
745 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
747 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
748 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
749 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
750 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
751 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
752 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
753 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
754 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
755 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
756 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
758 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
759 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
761 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
762 house of seven gobbles.
764 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
765 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
766 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
767 sadly, "runneth over."
769 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
770 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
771 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
772 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
773 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
774 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
776 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
777 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
778 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
779 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
780 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
781 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
782 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
783 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
784 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
785 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
786 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
787 only blurt out, "What happened?"
788 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
789 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
790 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
791 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
792 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
793 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
795 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
796 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
797 brother and inquires after his pet.
798 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
799 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
800 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
801 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
802 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
803 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
804 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
805 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
807 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
810 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
811 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
812 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
814 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
815 book The Martian Chronicles?"
817 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
820 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
821 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
823 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
824 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
826 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
827 The housewife replied, "Four!".
828 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
829 through my spread sheet one more time."
830 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
831 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
833 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
834 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
835 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
837 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
838 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
839 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
840 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
841 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
842 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
844 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
845 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
846 The bartender ignores him.
847 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
849 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
850 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
851 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
852 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
853 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
854 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
855 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
857 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
858 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
859 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
860 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
861 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
862 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
863 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
864 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
865 told, "that one is 150,000."
866 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
867 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
868 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
869 -- being told in Poland, 1987
871 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
872 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
873 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
874 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
875 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
877 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
879 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
880 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
881 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
882 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
883 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
884 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
885 little more ... that's it."
886 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
887 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
888 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
889 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
890 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
891 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
892 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
893 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
895 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
896 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
897 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
898 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
899 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
900 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
901 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
902 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
904 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
905 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
906 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
907 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
908 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
909 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
910 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
911 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
913 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
914 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
915 was making a bolt for the door.
917 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
918 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
919 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
920 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
923 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
924 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
926 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
928 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
929 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
931 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
932 how long will it take?"
933 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
934 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
935 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
936 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
937 The programmer agreed to this.
938 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
939 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
940 He had been programming all night.
941 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
943 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
944 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
945 manager retained his job.
946 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
947 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
948 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
949 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
950 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
951 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
952 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
953 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
954 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
955 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
957 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
958 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
959 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
960 resigned on the spot.
961 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
962 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
963 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
964 hours of the morning.
965 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
967 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
968 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
969 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
970 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
971 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
972 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
973 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
974 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
975 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
977 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
979 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
980 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
981 he said, "may I examine it?"
982 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
983 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
984 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
985 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
987 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
989 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
990 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
991 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
993 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
994 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
996 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
997 "It is," came the reply.
998 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
999 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1000 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1001 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1002 over for today," he said.
1003 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1007 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1008 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1009 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1010 today's minute attention span.
1012 The Troubled Aardvark
1014 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1015 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1016 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1017 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
1018 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1019 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1020 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1021 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1022 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1023 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1024 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1026 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1029 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1030 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1032 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1033 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1034 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1035 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1036 "If what?" asked the composer.
1037 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1039 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1040 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1041 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1042 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1043 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1044 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1045 power-down sequence.
1046 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1047 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1048 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1051 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1052 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1053 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1054 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1055 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1056 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1057 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1058 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1059 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1060 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1061 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1063 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1064 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1065 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1066 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1067 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1068 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1069 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1070 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1071 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1072 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1074 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1075 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1077 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1078 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1079 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1081 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1082 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1083 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1084 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1085 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1086 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1088 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1089 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1090 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1091 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1092 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1093 unnatural entity exist?"
1094 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1095 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1096 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1097 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1098 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1100 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1102 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1103 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1104 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1105 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1106 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1107 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1108 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1110 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1111 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1112 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1113 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1116 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1117 "A dollar for your death."
1120 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1121 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1122 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1123 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1124 party. He walked out into the night.
1125 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1126 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1128 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1129 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1130 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1132 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1133 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1134 has killed them all.
1135 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1136 went out to be killed?
1137 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1138 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1140 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1141 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1142 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1143 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1144 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1146 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1147 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1148 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1149 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1151 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this
1152 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1153 way that astonishes him least.
1154 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1155 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1157 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1158 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1160 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1162 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1163 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1164 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1165 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1166 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1167 made rude noises during my presentation."
1168 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1169 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1170 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1171 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1172 with social conventions?"
1173 "They are alive within the Tao."
1174 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1176 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1177 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1178 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1181 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1182 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1183 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1184 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1185 which contained twelve more loons.
1186 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1187 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1188 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1189 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1191 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1192 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1193 his wellness potential."
1195 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1196 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1198 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1199 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1201 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1202 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1204 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1205 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1206 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1207 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1208 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1209 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1210 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1211 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1213 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1215 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1216 "This is a parson to parson call."
1217 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1218 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1219 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1220 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1221 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1222 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1223 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1224 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1225 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1228 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1229 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1230 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1232 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1233 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1234 really want to know.
1235 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1236 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1238 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1239 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1240 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1241 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1242 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1243 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1244 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1245 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1246 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1247 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1248 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1249 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1250 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1251 going to it is so large.
1252 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1253 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1254 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1255 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1256 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1257 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1258 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1260 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1261 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1262 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1263 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1264 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1265 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1266 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1267 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1268 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1270 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1271 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1272 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1273 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1274 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1275 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1276 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1278 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1280 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1282 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1283 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1284 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1285 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1286 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1287 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1288 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1290 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1291 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1292 suck the poison from the wound."
1293 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1294 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1295 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1296 who my real friends are."
1298 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1299 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1300 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1302 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1303 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1304 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1305 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1306 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1307 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1308 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1309 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1310 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1311 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1314 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1315 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1316 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1317 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1318 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1320 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1321 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1322 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1324 "This is true," He replied.
1325 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1326 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1327 right to make his laws?"
1328 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1331 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1333 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1334 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1335 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1336 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1337 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1338 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1341 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1342 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1343 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1344 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1346 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1347 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1348 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1349 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1350 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1351 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1352 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1353 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1354 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1355 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1356 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1357 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1358 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1359 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1360 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1361 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1364 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1365 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1366 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1367 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1369 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1370 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1371 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1374 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1375 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1376 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1377 These are the things I learned:
1381 Put things back where you found them.
1382 Clean up your own mess.
1383 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1384 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1385 Wash your hands before you eat.
1387 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1388 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1389 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1390 Take a nap every afternoon.
1391 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1393 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1394 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1395 how or why, but we are all like that.
1396 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1397 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1398 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1399 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1400 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1401 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1403 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1404 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1405 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1406 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1407 and to clean up their own mess.
1408 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1409 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1410 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1411 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1413 All that you touch, And all you create,
1414 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1415 All that you taste, All that you do,
1416 All you feel, And all you say,
1417 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1418 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1419 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1420 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1421 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1422 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1423 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1424 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1426 But the sun is eclipsed
1429 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1430 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1432 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1433 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1434 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1435 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1437 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1438 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1439 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1440 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1441 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1442 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1443 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1444 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1445 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1446 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1447 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1448 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1450 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1451 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1452 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1453 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1455 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1456 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1458 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1459 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1460 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1461 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1462 is ready to build a second system.
1463 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1464 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1465 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1466 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1468 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1469 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1470 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1471 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
1473 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1474 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1475 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1476 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1477 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1478 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1480 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1481 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1482 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1483 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1484 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1485 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1487 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1488 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1489 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1490 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1493 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1494 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1495 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1496 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1497 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1498 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1499 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1500 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1501 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1502 this head and pulls the trigger.
1503 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1505 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1506 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1508 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1509 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1510 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1511 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1512 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1513 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1514 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1515 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1516 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1517 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1518 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1519 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1520 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1521 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1523 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1524 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1525 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1526 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1527 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1528 hour seems like a minute."
1529 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1530 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1531 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1533 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1534 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1535 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1536 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1537 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1538 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1539 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1541 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1542 asked the father of his little son.
1545 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1546 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1547 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1548 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1549 can at least make a decision."
1550 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1551 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1552 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1553 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1555 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1556 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1558 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1559 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1560 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1563 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1564 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1565 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1566 "That was the curious incident."
1567 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1569 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1570 preaching to a group of disciples.
1571 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1572 the absolute reality of --"
1573 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1574 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1576 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1577 with the spirit of the morning.
1578 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1580 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1581 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1583 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1584 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1585 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1586 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1587 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1588 Governor, and he vaporized.
1589 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1590 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1592 "Are you police officers?"
1593 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1594 -- The Blues Brothers
1596 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1597 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1600 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1601 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1602 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1603 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1604 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1605 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1607 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1609 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1610 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1611 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1613 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1614 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1616 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1617 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1618 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1619 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1620 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1621 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1622 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1623 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1624 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1625 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1627 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1628 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1629 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1630 by their ignorance the hard way."
1631 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
1633 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1634 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1635 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1636 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1637 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1638 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1639 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1640 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1641 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1642 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1643 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1644 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1645 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1646 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1647 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1648 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1650 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1653 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1654 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1655 still five feet between rails.
1656 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1657 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1658 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1659 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1660 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1661 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1662 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1663 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1664 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1666 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1668 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1669 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1670 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1671 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1672 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1673 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1674 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1675 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1676 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1677 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1678 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1679 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1680 it some other time, Carrie."
1682 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1684 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1685 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1686 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1689 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1690 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1691 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1693 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1694 way I ought to go from here?"
1695 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1697 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1698 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1699 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
1701 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1702 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1704 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1707 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1709 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1710 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1711 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1712 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1713 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1714 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1715 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1716 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1717 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1718 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1719 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1720 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1721 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1722 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1723 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1724 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1725 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1726 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1727 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1729 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1731 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1732 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1733 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1734 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1735 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1736 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1738 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1739 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1740 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1741 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1742 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1744 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1746 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1747 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1748 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1749 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1750 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1751 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1752 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1753 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1754 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1755 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1757 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1758 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1759 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1760 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1762 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1763 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1764 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1765 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1766 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1768 "Do you think there's a God?"
1769 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1772 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1773 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1775 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1777 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1778 Or is Vaseline better?
1780 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1781 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1782 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1783 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1784 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1785 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1786 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1787 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1788 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1789 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1790 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1792 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1793 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1794 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1795 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1797 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1798 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1799 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1800 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1801 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1802 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1803 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1804 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1805 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1806 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1807 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1808 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1809 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1810 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1811 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1812 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1813 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1814 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1815 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1817 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1818 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1819 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1820 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1821 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1822 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1823 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1824 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1825 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1827 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1828 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1829 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1830 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1831 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1832 shot at mine, over there."
1834 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1835 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1836 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1837 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1838 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1839 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1840 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1841 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1842 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1843 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1844 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1845 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1846 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1848 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1849 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1850 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1851 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1854 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1855 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1856 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1857 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1858 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1859 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1860 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1861 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1862 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1863 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1864 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1865 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1867 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1868 that she didn't recognize me.
1869 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1870 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1871 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1872 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1874 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1875 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1876 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1877 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1878 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1879 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1880 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1882 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
1883 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1884 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1885 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1886 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1887 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1888 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1889 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1890 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1891 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1892 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1893 energy policy and neither do you."
1894 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1896 "Fantasies are free."
1897 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1899 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1900 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1901 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1903 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1904 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1905 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1906 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1907 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1908 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1909 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1910 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1911 the little hammers strike.
1912 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1913 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1914 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1916 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1917 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1918 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1920 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1921 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1927 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1928 "of course you know what `it' means."
1930 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1931 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1933 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1935 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1936 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1937 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1938 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1939 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1940 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1941 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1942 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1943 in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1944 professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1945 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1946 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1947 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1948 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1950 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'"
1952 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1954 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1956 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1957 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1958 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1960 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1961 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1963 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
1964 extracurricular activity except you."
1965 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1966 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1967 -- The Firesign Theatre
1969 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1970 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1971 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1972 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1973 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1974 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1976 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1977 differences once and for all.
1978 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
1979 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
1981 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
1982 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
1983 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
1984 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
1985 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
1986 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
1987 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
1988 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
1989 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
1990 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
1991 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
1993 Thank you and good luck.
1994 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
1996 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
1998 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
1999 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2000 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2001 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2002 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2003 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2006 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2007 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2008 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2009 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2010 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2011 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2012 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2013 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2014 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2015 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2016 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2017 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2018 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2019 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2020 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2021 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2022 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2023 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2024 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2025 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2026 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2027 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2029 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2031 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2032 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2033 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2034 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2035 had actually implicationed.
2036 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2037 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2038 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2041 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2042 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2043 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2044 to conquer the world.
2045 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2046 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2047 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2048 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2049 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2050 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2051 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2053 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2054 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2055 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2056 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2057 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2058 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2059 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2060 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2061 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2062 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2063 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2065 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2066 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2068 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2069 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2070 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2071 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2072 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2073 the gun on himself!"
2074 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2075 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
2077 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2080 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
2081 "Yes; I don't have one."
2082 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
2083 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
2085 "Have you lived here all your life?"
2086 "Oh, twice that long."
2088 "Hawk, we're going to die."
2089 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
2092 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2093 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2094 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2095 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2096 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2097 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2098 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2099 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2101 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2102 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2104 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2105 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2106 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2108 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2110 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2111 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2112 without darkening me.
2113 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
2115 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2116 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2118 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2119 "How would that help?"
2122 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
2125 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
2130 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
2131 between amd64 and ia64."
2132 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
2133 know the difference then."
2134 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
2136 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2137 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2138 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2139 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2140 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2141 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2142 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2143 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2144 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2145 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2146 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2147 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2148 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2149 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2150 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2151 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2153 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2154 of her blonde companion.
2155 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2156 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2159 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2160 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2161 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2162 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2163 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2164 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2165 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2166 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2167 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2169 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2170 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2171 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2173 "How many people work here?"
2176 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2177 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2178 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2179 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2181 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2182 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2183 full of money before."
2185 "How'd you get that flat?"
2186 "Ran over a bottle."
2187 "Didn't you see it?"
2188 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2190 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2191 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2192 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2193 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2194 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2195 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2196 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2197 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2198 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2199 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2200 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2202 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2203 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2204 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2205 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2207 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2209 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2210 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2211 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2214 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2215 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2216 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2217 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2218 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2219 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2220 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2221 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2222 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2224 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2226 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2227 (There's a hole *where*?)
2229 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2230 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2231 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2233 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2234 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2235 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2237 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2239 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2242 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2243 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2245 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2247 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2248 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2249 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2250 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2251 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2255 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2256 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2257 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2258 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2259 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2260 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2261 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2262 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2263 have to get back to you.
2265 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2267 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2268 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2269 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2271 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2273 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2274 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2276 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2277 so many different things."
2278 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2281 "Through the Looking-Glass,
2282 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
2284 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2285 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2286 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2287 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2288 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2289 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2290 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2291 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2292 understand his long delay.
2294 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2295 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2296 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2297 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2298 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2299 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2300 shack in the desert.
2301 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2302 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2303 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2305 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2306 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2307 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2308 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2309 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2310 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2311 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2314 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2315 I think very probably he might be cured."
2316 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2317 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2318 The elders murmured assent.
2319 "Now, what affects it?"
2320 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2321 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2322 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2323 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2324 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2325 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2326 irritation and distraction."
2327 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2328 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2329 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2330 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2331 "And then he will be sane?"
2332 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2333 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2334 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2336 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2337 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2340 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2341 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2342 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2343 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2344 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2346 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2347 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2348 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2349 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2350 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2351 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2352 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2353 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2354 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2355 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2356 happened to be in the right.
2357 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2359 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2361 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2363 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2364 back; I would be nice."
2365 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2367 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2369 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2370 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2371 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2372 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2373 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2375 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2376 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2377 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2378 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2380 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2381 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2382 these complaints represent?"
2383 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2384 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2386 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2388 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2389 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2390 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2391 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2392 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2393 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2394 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2395 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2396 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2397 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2398 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2399 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2400 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2401 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2403 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2404 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2405 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2406 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2407 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2409 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
2411 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2412 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2413 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2414 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2415 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2417 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2418 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2421 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2422 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2424 -- The Life of Brian
2426 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2427 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2429 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2430 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2431 that is also a psychological interaction.
2432 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2434 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2435 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2437 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2438 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2439 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2440 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2441 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2443 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2445 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2446 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2448 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2450 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2451 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2452 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2453 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2456 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2457 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2458 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2459 repeat the sequence.
2460 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2461 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2462 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2464 -- William S. Burroughs
2466 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2467 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2468 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2469 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2470 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2471 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2472 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2473 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2474 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2475 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2476 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2477 difficult can it be?"
2478 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2479 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2480 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2481 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2482 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2484 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2485 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2486 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2487 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2488 them, or something?"
2489 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2490 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2491 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2492 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2493 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2494 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2495 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2496 would destroy the whole point of it."
2497 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2499 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2500 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2502 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2504 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2505 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2506 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2507 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2508 was by the time I find it.
2509 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2510 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2511 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2512 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2516 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2517 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2518 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2521 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2522 Junior, what are you up to?"
2523 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2525 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2526 will publish such rubbish!"
2527 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2528 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2529 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2530 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2531 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2533 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2534 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2535 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2536 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2537 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2538 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2539 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2541 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2542 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2544 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2545 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2546 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2547 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2548 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2549 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2550 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2551 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2552 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2554 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2555 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2556 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2557 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2558 been an efficiency expert?
2559 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2561 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2564 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2565 can see what we have done."
2566 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2567 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2568 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2569 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2570 "Certainly," said man.
2571 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2573 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
2575 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2576 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2577 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2578 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2579 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2580 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2581 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2582 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2584 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2585 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2586 large numbers and prospered.
2587 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2588 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2589 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2590 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2591 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2592 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2593 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2594 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2595 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2596 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2597 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2598 -- The Story of Babel
2600 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2601 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2603 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2604 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2605 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2606 How could it be otherwise?
2607 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2609 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2610 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2611 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2612 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2613 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2614 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2615 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2616 you close your eyes?"
2617 "So that the room will be empty."
2618 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2620 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2621 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2622 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2623 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2624 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2625 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2626 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2627 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2628 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2629 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2630 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2632 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2633 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2634 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2635 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2636 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2637 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2640 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2641 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2642 life-style otherwise."
2643 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2645 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2646 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2647 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2648 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2650 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2651 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2652 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2653 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2654 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2655 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2656 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2657 freedom and games to the network...
2660 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2661 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2662 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2663 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2664 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2665 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2666 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2667 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2669 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2670 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2671 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2673 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2674 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2675 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2676 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2677 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2678 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2679 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2680 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2681 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2682 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2683 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2684 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2685 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2686 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2687 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2688 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2690 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2691 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2692 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2693 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2694 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2695 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2696 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2697 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2698 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2700 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2701 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2702 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2703 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2704 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2705 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2706 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2708 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2709 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2710 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2711 need to find out where we are."
2712 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2713 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2714 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2716 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2717 fifty feet in the air!"
2718 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2719 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2720 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2723 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2724 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2725 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2727 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2728 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2729 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2730 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2731 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2732 really needed in the first place.
2733 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2734 analogous to the above.
2735 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2737 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2738 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2739 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2740 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2741 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2742 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2743 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2745 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2749 "It means summon's in trouble."
2750 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2752 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2753 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2755 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2756 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2757 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2758 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2759 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2760 it always me, teacher?"
2761 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2764 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2766 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2767 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2768 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2769 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2770 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2771 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2772 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2773 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2774 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2775 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2779 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2780 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2781 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2782 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2783 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2784 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2785 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2786 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2787 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2788 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2789 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2790 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2791 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2792 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2793 now. They're in a band.
2796 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2797 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2798 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2799 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2800 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2801 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2802 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2803 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2804 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2805 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2806 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2807 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2809 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2810 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2811 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2812 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2813 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2814 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2815 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2816 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2817 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2818 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2819 smacked his lips with relish.
2820 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2821 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2826 My love is like an iron wand
2827 That conks me on the head,
2828 My love is like the valium
2829 That I take before my bed,
2830 My love is like the pint of scotch
2831 That I drink when I be dry;
2832 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2833 Until my wife is wise.
2835 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2837 "I said `intellectual'."
2840 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2841 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2844 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2847 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2849 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2850 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2851 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2854 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2855 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2856 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2857 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2858 All I have in the world is this gun."
2860 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2861 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2862 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2863 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2864 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2865 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2866 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2867 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2869 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2870 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2871 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2872 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2873 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2874 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2875 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2876 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2877 movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2878 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2879 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2880 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2881 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2882 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2883 possible, and turns to Murray.
2884 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2885 spits in the sergeants face.
2886 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2887 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2889 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2890 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2891 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2892 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2893 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2894 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2895 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2896 and Knights of Pithiests.
2897 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2898 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2899 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2900 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2901 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2902 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2903 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2904 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2905 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2906 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2907 So we're going back in a few years...
2910 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2911 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2913 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2914 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2915 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2916 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2917 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2918 the alter of human limitations.
2919 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2920 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2921 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2922 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2923 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2924 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2925 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2926 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2927 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2929 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2930 a girl should not do before twenty."
2931 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
2934 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2935 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2936 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2937 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2938 true value of the company.
2939 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
2940 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
2941 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
2942 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
2943 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
2944 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
2947 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
2948 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
2949 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
2950 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
2951 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
2952 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
2954 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
2955 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
2957 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
2958 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
2959 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
2960 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
2961 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
2962 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
2963 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
2964 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
2965 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
2966 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
2967 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
2968 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
2969 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
2970 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
2971 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
2973 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
2974 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
2975 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
2976 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
2977 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
2978 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
2979 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
2980 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
2981 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
2982 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
2983 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
2984 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
2985 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
2986 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
2987 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
2989 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2991 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
2992 to be avoided than harped upon.
2993 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
2994 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
2995 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
2996 about helping to postpone this reunion.
2997 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
2999 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3000 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3001 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3002 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3004 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3007 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3008 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3009 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3010 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3011 no attention to the signal.
3012 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3013 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3014 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3015 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3016 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3018 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3019 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3020 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3021 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3022 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3023 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3024 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3025 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3026 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3028 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3029 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3030 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3031 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3032 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3033 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3034 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3035 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3036 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3037 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3038 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3039 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3040 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3041 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3044 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3045 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3046 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3047 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3048 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3049 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3050 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3051 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3052 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3053 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3054 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3055 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3056 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3057 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3058 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3059 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3060 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3061 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3063 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3064 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3065 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3066 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3067 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3068 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3069 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3070 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3071 she looked like the side of a barn.
3072 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3073 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3074 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3075 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3076 to decide quickly. I decided.
3077 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3078 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
3079 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3080 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3081 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3082 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3083 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3084 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3086 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3087 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3088 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3089 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3090 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3091 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3092 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3093 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3094 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3095 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3096 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3097 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3098 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3099 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3100 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3101 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3102 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3103 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3106 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3107 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3108 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3109 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3110 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3111 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3112 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3113 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3114 die quicker than boredom!"
3115 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3116 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3117 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3118 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3119 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3120 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3121 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3122 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3123 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3124 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3125 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3128 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3129 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3130 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3131 dolphins live forever!
3132 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3133 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3134 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3135 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3136 steal one of these birds.
3137 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3138 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3139 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3140 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3141 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3142 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3143 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3144 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3145 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3147 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3148 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3149 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3150 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3151 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3152 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3153 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3154 help you break such a spell."
3155 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3156 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3157 the night under her pillow."
3158 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3159 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3160 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3161 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3162 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3164 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3165 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3166 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3167 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3168 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3169 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3170 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3171 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3172 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3173 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3174 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3175 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3176 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3177 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3178 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3179 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3180 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3181 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3182 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3183 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3184 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3186 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3187 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3188 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3189 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3190 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3191 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3192 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3193 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3194 perception of the elephant.
3195 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3196 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3197 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3198 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3199 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3201 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3202 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3203 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3204 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3205 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3206 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3207 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3208 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3209 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3210 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3211 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3212 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3213 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3215 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3216 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3217 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3218 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3219 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3220 available to anyone.
3221 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3223 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3224 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3226 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3227 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3230 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3231 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3232 went to speak with him.
3233 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3235 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3236 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3237 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3239 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3240 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3241 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3242 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3243 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3244 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3246 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3248 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3249 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3250 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3251 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3253 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3254 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3255 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3256 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3257 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3258 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3259 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3260 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3261 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3262 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3263 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3264 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3265 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3266 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3267 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3268 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3269 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3270 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3271 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3274 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3275 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3276 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3277 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3278 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3279 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3281 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3282 Back came the reply...
3283 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3284 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3285 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3286 Back came the reply...
3287 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3288 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3290 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3291 is our support for UNIX?
3292 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3293 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3294 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3295 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3296 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3297 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3298 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3299 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3300 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3301 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3302 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3303 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3304 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3305 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3306 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3307 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3308 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3312 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3313 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3314 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3315 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3316 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3319 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3320 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3321 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3322 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3323 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3324 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3325 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3328 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3330 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3331 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3332 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3333 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3334 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3336 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3337 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3338 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3339 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3340 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3341 never reveal our sauce."
3342 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3343 kept favoring curry.
3344 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3345 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3347 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3348 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3350 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3351 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3352 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3353 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3354 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3355 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3356 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3357 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3358 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3359 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3360 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3361 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3363 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3364 sounding a bit worried.
3365 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3366 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3367 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3369 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3370 Cobb said, hopping out.
3371 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3373 Phases of a Project:
3377 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3378 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3379 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3381 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3382 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3383 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3384 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3385 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3386 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3387 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3388 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3389 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3390 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3392 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3393 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3394 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3395 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3396 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3398 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3399 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3400 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3401 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3402 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3404 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3406 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3407 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3408 ran like a gentle wind.
3409 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3410 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3411 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3412 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3413 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3414 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3415 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3416 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3417 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3418 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3419 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3420 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3421 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3422 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3424 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3425 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3426 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3427 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3428 starfield surrounding the ship.
3429 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3430 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3431 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3432 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3433 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3434 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3435 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3437 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3438 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3439 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3440 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3441 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3442 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3443 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3444 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3445 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3446 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3447 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3448 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3449 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3450 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3451 On the Campaign Trail"
3453 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3454 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3455 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3456 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3457 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3458 if they don't live our way."
3460 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3461 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3462 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3463 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3464 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3465 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3466 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3467 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3468 "When you look at it that way..."
3469 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3470 Whatever. We want. To do."
3471 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3473 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3474 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3475 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3476 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3477 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3478 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3479 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3480 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3481 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3483 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3485 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3486 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3487 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3489 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3490 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3491 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3492 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3493 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3494 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3495 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3496 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3504 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3505 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3506 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3507 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3508 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3509 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3510 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3511 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3512 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3513 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3515 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3516 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3517 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3518 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3520 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3521 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3522 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3523 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3524 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3525 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3527 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3528 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3529 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3530 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3531 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3532 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3533 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3534 nice gesture you made today, George.
3535 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3536 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3537 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3538 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3541 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3542 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3543 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3544 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3545 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3546 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3547 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3548 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3549 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3551 "Through the Looking-Glass,
3552 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
3554 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3555 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3556 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3557 the odd integers are prime."
3558 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3559 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3560 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3561 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3562 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3563 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3564 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3565 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3566 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3568 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3569 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3570 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3571 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3572 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3574 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3575 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3578 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3579 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3580 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3582 "What's he wanted for?"
3585 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3586 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3587 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3588 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3589 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3590 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3591 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3592 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3593 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3596 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3597 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3598 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3599 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3600 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3601 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3602 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3603 right straight toward us.
3604 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3605 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3606 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3607 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3608 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3609 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3610 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3611 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3612 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3613 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3614 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3616 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3617 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3618 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3620 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3621 -- Dating in Minnesota
3623 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3624 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3625 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3626 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3627 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3628 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3629 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3630 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3631 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3632 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3633 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3634 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3635 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3636 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3637 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3638 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3639 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3640 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3641 This is the Minneapple.
3643 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3644 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3645 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3647 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3648 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3649 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3650 harmony in the world.
3651 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3653 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3655 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3656 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3657 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3658 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3659 farmers in America."
3660 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3662 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3663 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3664 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3665 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3666 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3667 Machineries of Joy?"
3668 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3669 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3671 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3673 Bottle 750 milliliters
3674 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3676 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3677 Methuselah 8 bottles
3678 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3679 Balthazar 16 bottles
3680 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3681 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3683 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3684 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3685 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3686 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3688 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3689 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3691 "What is your name?"
3692 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3693 "What is your quest?"
3694 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3695 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3696 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3697 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3699 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3700 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3701 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3702 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3703 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3704 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3705 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3706 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3707 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3708 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3709 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3710 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3711 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3712 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3713 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3714 broke and rolled back.
3715 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3717 "Surely you can't be serious."
3718 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3720 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3721 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3722 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3723 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3724 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3725 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3726 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3728 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3730 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3731 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3732 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3733 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3734 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3736 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3738 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3739 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3740 -- e. e. cummings last service call
3742 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3743 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3744 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3745 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3746 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3747 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3748 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3749 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3750 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3751 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3752 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3754 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3755 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3756 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3757 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3758 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3759 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3760 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3761 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3762 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3763 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3765 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3766 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3767 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3768 got a sense of humor?"
3769 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3771 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3772 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3773 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3775 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3778 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3780 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3781 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3783 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3784 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3785 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3786 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3787 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3789 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3790 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3792 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3794 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3796 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3797 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3799 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3800 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3801 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3802 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3803 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3805 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3806 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3808 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3810 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3812 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3813 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3815 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3816 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3817 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3818 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3819 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3820 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3821 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3823 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3824 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3825 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3826 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3827 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3828 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3830 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3831 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3832 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3833 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3834 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3835 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3836 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3837 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3838 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3840 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3841 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3842 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3843 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3845 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3847 On the good ship Enterprise
3848 Every week there's a new surprise
3849 Where the Romulans lurk
3850 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3852 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3853 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3855 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3857 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3858 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3859 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3860 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3862 It's the good ship Enterprise
3863 Heading out where danger lies
3864 And you live in dread
3865 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3866 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3868 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3869 the subject of towels.
3870 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3871 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3872 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3873 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3874 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3875 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3876 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3877 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3879 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3880 the subject of towels.
3881 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3882 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3883 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3884 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3885 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3886 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3887 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3888 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3890 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3892 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3893 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3894 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3895 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3896 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3897 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3898 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3899 "That's two," he said.
3900 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3901 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3902 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3903 shot the horse between the eyes.
3904 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3905 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3906 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3908 "The jig's up, Elman."
3912 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3914 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3915 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3916 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3917 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3918 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3921 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3922 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3923 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3926 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
3928 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
3929 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
3930 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
3932 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
3933 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
3934 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
3937 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
3938 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
3939 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
3941 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
3942 you find the time to try it again?"
3944 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
3945 a position of negative need.
3946 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
3947 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
3949 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
3950 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
3951 prestige of His identity.
3952 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
3953 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
3954 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
3955 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
3956 into a pleasurific mood state.
3957 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
3958 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
3959 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
3960 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
3961 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
3962 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
3963 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
3964 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
3967 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
3968 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
3969 master's office while the master waited in silence.
3970 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
3971 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
3972 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
3973 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
3975 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
3977 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
3978 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
3980 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
3981 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
3983 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
3984 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
3985 you know where it might be?"
3986 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
3987 in the data center."
3988 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3990 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
3991 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
3993 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
3994 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
3995 right! Can I have a dollar?"
3997 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
3998 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
3999 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4000 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4002 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4003 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4005 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4006 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4008 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4009 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4010 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4011 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4013 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4014 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4015 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4017 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4018 logically experienced citizens."
4020 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4021 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4022 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4024 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4025 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4027 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4028 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4030 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4031 Alice corrected herself.
4032 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4033 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4034 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4035 time completely bewildered.
4036 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4037 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4039 "Through the Looking-Glass,
4040 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
4042 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4043 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4044 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4045 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4046 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4047 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4049 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4050 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4051 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4052 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4053 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4054 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4056 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4058 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4059 problems in order to get results
4060 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4061 toy problems in order to get results.
4063 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4064 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4065 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4066 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4067 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4068 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4069 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4070 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4072 "The pyramid is opening!"
4074 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
4075 -- The Firesign Theatre,
4076 "How Can You Be In Two Places At
4077 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
4079 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4080 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4081 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4082 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4083 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4084 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4085 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4086 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4087 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4088 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4089 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4090 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4091 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4092 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4093 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4095 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4097 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4099 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4100 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4102 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4103 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4105 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4106 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4108 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4109 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4110 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4111 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4112 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4113 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4114 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4116 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4117 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4118 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4119 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4121 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4123 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4124 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4125 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4127 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4128 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4130 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4134 The wombat lives across the seas,
4135 Among the far Antipodes.
4136 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4137 Or then again, on missionaries;
4138 His distant habitat precludes
4139 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4140 But I would not engage the wombat
4141 In any form of mortal combat.
4143 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4144 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4145 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4146 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4147 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4148 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4149 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4150 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4151 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4152 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4153 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4154 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4155 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4156 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4157 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4160 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4161 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4162 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4163 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4164 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4165 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4166 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4167 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4168 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4169 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4170 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4171 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4172 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4174 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4175 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4176 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4178 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4179 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4180 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4181 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4182 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4186 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4187 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4188 hard, to keep from falling.
4189 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4190 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4192 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4193 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4194 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4195 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4197 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
4198 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
4203 Into love and out again,
4204 Thus I went and thus I go.
4205 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4206 Well and bitterly I know
4207 All the songs were ever sung,
4208 All the words were ever said;
4209 Could it be, when I was young,
4210 Someone dropped me on my head?
4213 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4214 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4215 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4216 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4217 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4219 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4220 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4221 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4222 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4223 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4224 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4225 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4226 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4228 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4229 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4230 that people cannot think.
4231 -- Richard W. Hamming
4233 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4234 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4235 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4236 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4237 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4238 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4239 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4240 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4241 but nothing was to be found.
4242 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4243 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4244 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4245 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4246 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4247 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4248 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4249 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4251 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4252 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4253 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4254 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4255 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4256 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4257 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4259 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4260 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4261 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4262 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4263 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4265 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4266 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4267 a man who answered one door.
4268 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4270 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4271 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4272 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4273 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4275 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4276 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4277 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4278 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4279 they're carrying upstairs!"
4281 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4282 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4283 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4285 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4286 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4287 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4289 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4290 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4291 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4292 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4293 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4294 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4295 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4296 Proof: assume the opposite...
4298 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4299 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4300 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4301 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4302 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4303 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4305 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4306 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4307 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4308 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4309 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4310 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4311 is easier to design."
4312 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4313 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4314 The programmer made no reply.
4315 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4317 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4318 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4319 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4320 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4321 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4322 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4323 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4324 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4325 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4326 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4327 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4328 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4329 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4330 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4332 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4333 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4334 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4335 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4336 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4337 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4338 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4339 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4340 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4341 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4342 things was itself the doing of them.
4343 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4344 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4345 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4346 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4347 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4348 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4349 spread only for demons or for gods."
4350 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4352 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4353 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4354 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4355 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4356 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4357 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4358 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4359 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4360 country. We're completely computerized.
4361 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4362 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4363 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4364 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4365 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4366 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4367 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4368 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4369 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4370 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4371 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4372 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4373 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4375 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4376 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4377 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4378 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4379 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4380 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4381 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4382 making anything out of all the hard work.
4383 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4384 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4385 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4386 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4387 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4389 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4390 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4392 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4393 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4394 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4395 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4396 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4397 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4398 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4399 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4400 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4401 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4402 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4403 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4404 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4405 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4406 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4408 To A Quick Young Fox:
4409 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4410 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4411 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4412 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4415 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4416 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4417 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4418 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4419 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4420 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4421 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4422 pint of ice cream nearby.
4423 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4425 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4427 The other saw stars.
4429 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4430 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4433 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4434 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4435 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4436 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4437 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4438 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4439 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4440 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4441 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4442 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4443 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4444 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4445 was Carmen or Cohen.
4446 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4447 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4448 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4450 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4451 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4453 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4455 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4456 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4457 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4458 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4459 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4460 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4461 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4462 soggy potato chips."
4463 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4464 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4465 "but I thought it made good copy."
4466 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4468 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4469 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4472 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4473 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4474 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4476 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4477 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4478 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4480 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4482 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4484 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4486 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4487 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4488 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4489 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4490 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4491 by law, up to and including nothing.
4492 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4493 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4494 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4495 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4496 attack shark at which point we relented.
4497 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4499 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4500 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4501 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4502 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4504 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4505 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4506 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4507 -- William Burroughs
4509 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4511 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4512 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4513 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4514 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4515 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4516 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4517 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4518 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4519 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4520 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4521 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4522 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4524 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4525 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4526 psycho-prompter couch?"
4528 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4529 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4530 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4532 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4533 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4534 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4535 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4536 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4537 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4539 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4540 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4541 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4543 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4547 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4548 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4549 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4550 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4551 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4552 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4553 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4554 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4555 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4556 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4557 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4558 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4559 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4560 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4561 Time passed, unheeded.
4562 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4563 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4566 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4567 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4568 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4569 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4571 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4572 let him lie there all night."
4573 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4574 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4575 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4576 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4577 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4578 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4579 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4580 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4581 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4582 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4583 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4584 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4585 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4587 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4588 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4589 maim or kill innocent little children."
4590 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4591 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4594 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4596 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4597 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4598 "It means the Thing to Do."
4599 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4601 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4602 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4603 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4606 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4607 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4608 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4609 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4611 The New Yorker's comment:
4612 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4614 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4615 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4616 "No, we just don't like him."
4617 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4618 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4619 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4620 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4622 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4623 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4624 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4625 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4628 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4629 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4630 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4631 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4632 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4633 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4634 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4635 they're not selling."
4636 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4637 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4639 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4640 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4641 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4642 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4643 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4644 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4646 "What are we going to do?"
4647 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4648 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4649 short initiation period."
4650 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4652 "What are you watching?"
4654 "Well, what's happening?"
4655 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4657 "Why are you watching it?"
4658 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4662 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4664 "You keep it to yourself."
4667 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4669 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4671 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4672 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4673 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4674 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4675 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4676 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4677 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4678 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4679 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4680 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4681 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4682 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4683 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4684 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4686 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4687 didn't believe in God".
4688 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4689 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4690 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4693 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4694 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4695 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4696 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4698 "What's that thing?"
4699 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4700 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4701 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4702 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
4704 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4705 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4706 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4707 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4708 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4709 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4710 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4711 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4713 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4714 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4715 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4717 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4718 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4719 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4720 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4721 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4722 moved farther to the left."
4723 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4725 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4726 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4727 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4729 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4730 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4731 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4732 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4734 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4735 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4737 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4738 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4739 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4740 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4741 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4743 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4744 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4745 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4746 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4747 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4748 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4749 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4750 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4751 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4752 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4754 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4756 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4757 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4758 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4759 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4761 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4763 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4764 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4765 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4766 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4767 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4768 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4769 then. We're trying to catch her."
4770 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4771 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4772 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4774 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4775 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4776 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4779 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4780 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4781 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4783 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4784 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4785 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4786 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4787 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4788 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4789 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4790 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4791 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4792 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4793 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4794 why the sea is salt."
4795 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4796 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4798 Why are you doing this to me?
4799 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4801 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4803 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4804 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4805 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4806 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4809 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4810 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4811 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4812 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4813 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4814 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4815 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4816 "Okay. It's your wife."
4820 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4821 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4828 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4829 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4831 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4832 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4833 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4834 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4835 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4837 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4838 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4839 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4840 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4841 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4842 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4843 long, and two mouses wide."
4844 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4846 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4850 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4851 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4852 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4853 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4854 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4855 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4856 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4857 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4859 "You are *so* lovely."
4861 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4863 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4864 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4865 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4867 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4868 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4869 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4870 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4871 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4873 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4874 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4875 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4877 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4878 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
4879 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4881 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4882 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4883 fit to hear his view of things?"
4884 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4885 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4886 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4887 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4888 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4889 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4890 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4892 "You say there are two types of people?"
4893 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4895 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4896 Those who separate people into three groups.
4897 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4898 Those who can't decide."
4899 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4901 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4902 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4904 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4905 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4908 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4909 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4910 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4911 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4912 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4913 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4914 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4915 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4916 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4917 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4918 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4919 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4920 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4921 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
4923 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
4924 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
4925 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
4926 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
4927 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
4928 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
4929 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
4930 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
4931 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
4932 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
4933 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
4934 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
4935 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
4936 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
4937 cats on the dinette table, etc.
4938 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4940 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
4941 "We wound barbed wire around them."
4943 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
4945 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
4946 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
4947 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
4948 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
4949 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
4950 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
4951 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
4953 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
4954 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
4955 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
4956 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
4957 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
4958 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
4960 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
4961 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
4977 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
4978 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
4979 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
4980 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
4986 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
4988 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
4989 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
4991 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
4993 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
4994 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
4995 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
4996 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
4997 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
4999 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5011 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5012 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5013 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5014 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5015 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5016 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5017 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5018 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5019 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5026 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5030 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5032 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5033 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5034 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5035 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5036 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5037 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5038 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5040 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5042 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5043 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5044 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5045 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5046 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5048 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
5050 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5051 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5052 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5053 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5054 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5056 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
5058 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5060 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5061 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5062 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5063 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5064 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5067 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5069 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5071 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5072 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5073 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5074 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5075 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5078 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5080 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5081 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5082 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5083 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5085 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5086 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5087 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5090 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5091 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5092 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5094 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5095 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5097 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5099 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5101 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5102 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5103 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5104 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5106 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5108 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5109 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5110 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5111 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5112 it cold boots the machine so often.
5114 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5116 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5117 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5118 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5119 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5120 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5122 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5127 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5128 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5129 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5130 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5131 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5133 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5135 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5137 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5138 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5139 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5140 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5141 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5142 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5143 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5144 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5145 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5146 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5148 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5150 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5151 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5152 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5153 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5154 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5155 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5156 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5157 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5158 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5159 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5160 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5162 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5164 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5165 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5169 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5171 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5173 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5176 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5178 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5180 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5182 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5184 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5185 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5186 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5187 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5188 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5190 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5192 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5193 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5194 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5195 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5196 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5197 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5198 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5199 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5202 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5204 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5205 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5206 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5207 second per second takes over.
5208 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5209 intervenes suddenly.
5210 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5211 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5212 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5213 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5215 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5216 conforming to its perimeter.
5217 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5218 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5219 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5220 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5221 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5222 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5224 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5225 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5226 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5228 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5229 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5232 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5233 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5234 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5237 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5238 have turned into a pile of dust.
5240 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5241 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5244 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5245 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5246 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5247 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5248 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5249 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5250 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5252 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5253 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5254 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5255 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5256 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5257 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5258 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5260 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5262 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5263 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5264 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5265 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5266 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5267 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5269 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5270 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5271 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5274 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5275 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5276 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5277 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5278 never when standing.
5280 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5281 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5282 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5283 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5284 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5285 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5286 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5287 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5288 astray by hunting and pecking.
5289 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5290 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5292 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5294 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5296 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5298 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5299 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5300 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5301 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5302 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5303 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5304 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5305 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5306 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5307 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5308 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5309 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5311 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5312 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5313 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5314 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5315 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5316 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5317 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5318 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5319 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5320 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5322 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5323 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5324 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5325 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5326 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5327 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5328 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5329 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5330 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5332 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5335 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5336 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5337 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5338 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5339 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5340 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5341 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5342 other's private parts.
5343 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5345 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5346 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5348 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5350 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5351 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5354 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5355 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5356 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5357 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5358 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5359 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5361 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5363 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5364 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5365 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5366 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5367 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5368 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5369 knows them in the naming.
5370 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5376 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5377 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5378 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5379 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5382 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5383 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5384 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5385 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5387 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5389 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5390 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5391 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5392 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5393 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5394 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5395 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5396 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5397 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5398 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5399 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5400 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5401 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5403 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5404 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5405 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5406 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5408 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5410 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5411 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5412 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5415 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5416 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5417 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5419 : is not an identifier
5421 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5422 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5423 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5424 superficial design flaws.
5425 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5426 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5428 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5429 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5430 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5431 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5434 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5435 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5438 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5439 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5442 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5443 legally ... impeccable!
5445 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5446 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5447 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5448 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5449 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5450 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5451 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5452 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5453 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5454 of a lucrative nature.
5455 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5456 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5458 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5462 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5463 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5464 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5466 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5467 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5470 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5471 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5472 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5473 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5474 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5475 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5476 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5477 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5478 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5479 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5480 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5481 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5482 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5483 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5485 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5487 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5488 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5489 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5490 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5491 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5492 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5493 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5495 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5496 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5500 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5501 Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5502 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5503 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5504 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5505 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5506 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5508 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5509 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5510 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5511 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5512 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5514 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5515 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5516 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5517 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5518 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5520 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5521 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5522 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5523 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5524 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5525 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5527 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5528 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5529 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5530 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5531 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5533 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5534 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5535 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5536 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5537 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5538 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5539 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5540 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5541 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5542 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5543 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5544 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5545 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5546 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5547 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5549 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5551 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5552 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5553 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5554 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5555 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5556 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5557 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5558 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5559 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5560 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5561 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5562 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5563 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5564 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5565 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5566 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5568 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5573 Norman, knock loudly,
5578 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5581 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5582 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5583 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5586 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5587 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5588 optimal cachinnation.
5590 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5591 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5592 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5593 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5594 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5596 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5597 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5598 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5599 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5601 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5603 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5604 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5605 -- The Firesign Theatre
5607 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5608 from beginning to end.
5609 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5612 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5614 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5616 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5617 entrances; others cannot.
5618 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5619 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5620 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5621 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5622 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5624 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5625 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5626 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5627 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5628 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5629 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5630 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5631 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5632 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5633 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5634 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5635 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5636 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5640 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5641 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5642 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5643 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5644 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5645 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5646 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5647 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5648 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5649 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5651 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5652 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5654 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5655 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5656 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5658 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5659 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5660 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5661 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5662 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5663 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5664 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5665 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5666 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5667 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5668 barely able to walk.
5669 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5670 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5671 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5672 "The good news first!"
5673 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5674 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5675 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5676 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5679 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5681 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5682 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5683 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5685 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5686 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5688 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5689 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5690 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5691 Wash the windows once a week.
5692 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5693 coal for the day's business.
5694 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5696 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5697 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5698 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5699 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5700 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5703 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5705 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5706 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5707 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5708 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5709 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5710 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5711 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5712 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5713 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5714 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5715 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5717 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5718 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5719 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5720 (4) Four is an even number.
5721 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5722 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5723 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5725 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5726 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5727 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5728 (4) Four is an even number.
5729 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5730 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5731 Therefore, all horses are black.
5733 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5734 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5735 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5736 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5737 the social ramble ain't restful.
5738 5. Avoid running at all times.
5739 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5740 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5742 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5743 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5745 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5746 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5747 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5748 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5749 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5750 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5751 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5752 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5753 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5754 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5755 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5756 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5757 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5758 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5759 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5760 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5761 to 1 meter per second
5762 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5763 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5764 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5765 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5766 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5767 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5768 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5769 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5770 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5774 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5775 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5776 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5777 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5779 1: No code table for op: ++post
5782 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5783 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5784 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5785 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5786 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5787 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5788 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5790 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5791 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5792 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5793 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5794 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5795 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5796 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5797 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5798 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5799 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5801 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
5803 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5805 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5806 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5807 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5808 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5809 other beers on the side.
5810 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
5812 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5813 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5814 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5815 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5817 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5818 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5819 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5821 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5823 Take one down, short it to ground
5824 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5826 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5828 Take one down, short it to ground
5829 FE buckets of bits on the bus
5833 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5834 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5835 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5837 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5839 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5840 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5844 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5847 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5851 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5857 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5860 1/2 oz. orange juice
5863 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5864 Long Island Iced Tea
5868 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5870 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5871 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5872 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5873 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5874 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5875 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5877 Nine in the second place means:
5878 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5880 Six in the third place means:
5881 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5882 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5884 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5887 17th Rule of Friendship:
5889 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5890 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5892 -- Esquire, May 1977
5894 186,000 miles per second:
5895 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5897 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5898 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5900 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5901 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5902 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5903 1907 Good to the last drop
5904 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5905 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5906 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5907 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5908 1919 It satisfies thirst
5909 1919 The taste is the test
5910 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5911 1922 Thirst knows no season
5912 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5913 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5915 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5916 1929 The high sign of refreshment
5917 1929 The pause that refreshes
5918 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
5919 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
5920 1935 The pause that brings friends together
5921 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
5922 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
5923 1939 Thirst stops here
5924 1942 It's the real thing
5926 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
5927 1963 Things go better with Coke
5928 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
5929 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
5931 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5933 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
5935 2nd graffitiest: Why?
5937 2180, U.S. History question:
5938 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
5939 office did he later hold?
5941 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
5942 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
5943 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
5945 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
5950 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
5952 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
5953 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
5954 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
5955 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
5956 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
5958 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
5960 3rd Law of Computing:
5961 Anything that can go wr
5962 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5964 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
5966 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
5968 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
5969 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
5970 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
5971 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
5972 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
5973 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
5974 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
5975 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
5976 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
5978 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
5979 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
5980 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
5981 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
5982 and other good books.
5983 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
5984 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
5985 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
5986 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
5987 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
5988 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
5989 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
5990 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
5991 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
5992 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
5994 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6002 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6003 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6006 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6007 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6008 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6010 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6011 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6013 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6014 and the rest hang out around here.
6016 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6018 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6019 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6021 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6023 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6024 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6026 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6027 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6029 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6032 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6034 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6035 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6038 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6040 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6044 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6045 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6047 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6048 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6051 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6052 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6055 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6058 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6059 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6061 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6063 A beginning is the time for taking the
6064 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6065 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6067 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6068 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6070 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6071 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6072 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6073 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6075 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6076 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6077 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6079 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6080 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6081 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6082 there's one white zebra."
6083 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6085 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6087 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6089 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6092 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6094 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6100 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6101 that the animal is going somewhere.
6104 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6105 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6106 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6107 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6108 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6109 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6110 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6111 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6112 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6113 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6114 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6115 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6116 resource centers along the roads.
6117 -- The Underground Grammarian
6119 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6120 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6122 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6123 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6125 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6127 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6128 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6131 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6132 of turning around three times before lying down.
6135 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6138 A budget is just a method of worrying
6139 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6141 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6143 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6145 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6146 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6147 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6148 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6149 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6150 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6151 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6152 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6153 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6154 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6155 pole in a complex plane."
6157 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6158 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6159 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6160 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6161 -- Robert W. Service
6163 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6164 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6166 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6169 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6170 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6172 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6173 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6174 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6175 examine him about his recent diet.
6176 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6178 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6179 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6180 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6181 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6182 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6183 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6184 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6186 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6188 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6189 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6190 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6191 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6192 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6193 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6194 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6196 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6197 does not prove anything.
6198 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6200 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6202 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6203 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6205 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6206 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6207 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6208 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6209 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6210 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6211 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6212 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6215 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6216 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6217 who passed it on to theirs.
6219 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6220 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6221 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6222 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6223 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6224 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6225 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6226 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6227 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6228 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6229 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6230 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6231 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6232 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6234 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6235 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6236 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6238 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6239 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6241 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6243 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6246 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6248 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6249 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6250 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6253 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6255 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6256 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6258 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6259 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6261 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6262 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6265 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6268 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6270 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
6271 and nobody wants to read.
6272 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6273 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6275 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6277 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6278 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6279 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6280 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6281 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6283 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6285 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6286 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6287 valuable scientific objectivity.
6289 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6290 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6291 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6293 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6294 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6296 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6298 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6299 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6300 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6301 disability you may have experienced.
6303 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6304 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6305 explained in terms that you would understand.
6307 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6308 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6309 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6311 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6313 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6314 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6315 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6317 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6318 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6320 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6321 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6322 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6323 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6325 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6326 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6328 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6329 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6330 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6331 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6333 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6336 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6337 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6339 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6340 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6343 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6346 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6348 A complex system that works is invariably
6349 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6351 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6354 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6357 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6358 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6361 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6362 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6363 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6364 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6366 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6367 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6368 Computer: George Washington.
6369 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6370 Where is my father?"
6371 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6372 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6374 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6375 landed a twelve pound bass.
6377 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6378 the computer science student has run in to.
6380 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6381 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6382 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6383 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6384 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6385 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6386 get the pointer value from there?
6387 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6388 make it point to the previous item.
6389 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6390 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6392 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6394 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6396 A computer science student on an exam:
6398 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6399 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6400 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6403 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6405 A computer, to print out a fact,
6406 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6407 But this output can be
6408 No more than debris,
6409 If the input was short of exact.
6412 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6413 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6415 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6417 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6418 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6421 A CONS is an object which cares.
6424 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6427 A conservative is a man
6428 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6431 A conservative is a man
6432 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6433 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6435 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6436 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6438 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6441 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6442 damned things is ample.
6445 A couch is as good as a chair.
6447 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6448 -- Benjamin Franklin
6450 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6451 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6452 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6453 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6454 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6455 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6456 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6457 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6458 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6460 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6461 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6462 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6463 there, he don't have one!"
6465 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6466 money is always there but the pockets change;
6467 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6468 and that is all there is to say about money.
6471 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6472 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6473 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6474 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6475 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6476 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6477 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6478 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6479 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6480 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6481 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6482 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6483 this central section.
6484 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6485 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6486 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6487 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6489 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6492 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6493 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6494 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6496 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6499 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6501 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6503 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6505 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6507 A day without sunshine is like night.
6509 A dead man cannot bite.
6510 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6512 A debugged program is one for which you have
6513 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6516 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6517 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6518 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6519 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6520 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6521 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6522 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6524 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6525 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6527 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6528 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6530 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6531 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6534 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6535 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6536 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6538 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6541 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6542 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6544 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6545 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6547 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6548 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6550 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6551 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6552 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6554 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6556 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6557 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6558 that you only have six weeks to live."
6559 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6561 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6564 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6565 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6566 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6567 courtesy," he explained.
6569 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6572 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6576 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6579 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6580 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6581 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6582 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6584 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6587 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6589 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6592 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6593 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6595 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6597 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6598 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6599 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6600 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6601 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6602 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6603 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6605 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6606 -- Winston Churchill
6608 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6610 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6611 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6612 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6613 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6614 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6615 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6616 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6617 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6618 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6619 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6620 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6621 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6622 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6624 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6625 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6628 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6629 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6630 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6631 should be masculine or feminine.
6632 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6633 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6634 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6635 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6636 went on their way rather quickly.
6637 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6638 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6639 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6641 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6643 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6644 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6645 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6648 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6649 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6651 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6653 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6655 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6656 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6657 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6658 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6659 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6660 drowned in the lake!"
6661 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6662 more chain than he can swim with?"
6664 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6665 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6666 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6667 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6668 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6669 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6672 (Or scatters scats);
6673 A potting shed's for potting;
6676 Or caught an otter otting.
6679 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6681 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6682 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6684 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6686 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6688 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6690 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6691 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6693 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6695 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6696 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6698 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6699 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6701 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6702 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6703 -- George Bernard Shaw
6705 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6708 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6710 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6713 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6714 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6715 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6717 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6718 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6720 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6723 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6725 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6726 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6728 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6729 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6732 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6733 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6735 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6737 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6738 -- Benjamin Franklin
6740 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6742 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
6745 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6747 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6748 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6749 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6750 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6753 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6754 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6756 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6757 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6758 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6759 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6760 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6763 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6764 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6765 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6766 electrical shock to the horse.
6767 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6768 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6769 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6770 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6771 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6772 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6774 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6776 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6778 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6780 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6782 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6784 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6787 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6789 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6790 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6791 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
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\ba_
\bt _
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\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6792 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6794 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6795 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6797 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6800 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6801 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6803 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6804 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6806 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6807 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6808 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6809 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6813 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6814 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6815 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6816 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6817 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6818 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6821 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6822 -- Michel de Montaigne
6824 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6826 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6827 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6830 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6833 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6837 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6838 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6839 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6842 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6845 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6847 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6849 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6850 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6851 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6852 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6854 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6855 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6856 "That's dynamite, baby."
6857 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
6859 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6860 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6864 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6865 the table after you eat.
6867 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6870 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6871 to take it all away.
6874 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6876 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6877 -- Benjamin Franklin
6879 A great many people think they are thinking
6880 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6883 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6886 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6887 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6888 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6889 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6890 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6891 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6892 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6893 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
6894 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6895 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6896 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6897 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6898 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6899 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6901 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6902 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6903 not going to church on Sunday.
6906 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6909 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6910 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6912 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6915 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6916 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6917 Brings good fortune.
6919 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
6921 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
6923 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
6925 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
6926 weight in other people's patience.
6929 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
6931 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
6932 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
6933 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
6938 A Hen Brooding Kittens
6939 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
6940 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
6941 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
6942 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
6943 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
6944 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
6945 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
6946 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
6948 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
6950 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
6951 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
6954 A holding company is a thing where you hand
6955 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
6957 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
6958 "Hello?" his friend answers.
6959 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
6960 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
6961 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
6962 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
6963 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
6964 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
6965 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
6967 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
6969 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
6970 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
6972 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
6974 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
6975 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
6976 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
6978 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
6981 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
6984 A hypothetical paradox:
6985 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
6986 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
6987 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
6990 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
6991 C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
6992 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
6993 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
6994 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
6995 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
6996 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
6997 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
6998 Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
6999 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
7000 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7001 W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
7002 Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
7003 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
7008 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7009 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7010 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7011 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7012 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7013 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7014 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7015 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7016 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7017 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7018 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7019 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7020 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7021 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7022 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7023 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7024 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7025 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7026 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7027 T is for true, which does very little.
7028 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7029 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7030 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7031 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7032 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7033 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7034 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7036 A joint is just tea for two.
7038 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7040 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7043 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7046 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7048 Simply handed in through the window.
7049 There is certainly no blame in this.
7051 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7054 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7055 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7057 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7059 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7060 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7062 A king's castle is his home.
7064 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7065 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7066 words are superfluous.
7068 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7070 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7073 A lady with one of her ears applied
7074 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7075 Two female gossips in converse free --
7076 The subject engaging them was she.
7077 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7078 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7079 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7080 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7081 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7082 "To hear my character lied about!"
7085 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7086 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7089 A language that doesn't have everything is
7090 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7091 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7093 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7094 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7095 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7096 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7097 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7098 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7099 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7100 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7101 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7102 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7103 this here corn liquor?"
7104 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7105 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7106 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7107 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7108 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7109 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7110 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7111 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7114 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7115 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7118 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7119 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7120 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7121 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7122 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7123 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7124 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7125 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7126 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7127 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7128 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7129 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7131 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7132 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7134 A Law of Computer Programming:
7135 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7136 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7138 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7141 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7144 A lie in time saves nine.
7146 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7148 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
7150 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
7152 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7154 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7156 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7157 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7159 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7162 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7163 Into space that is quite economical.
7164 But the good ones I've seen
7165 So seldom are clean,
7166 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7168 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7169 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7172 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7175 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7177 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7180 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7181 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
7183 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7184 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7185 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7186 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7187 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7189 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7190 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7191 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7192 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7193 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7194 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7195 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
7197 A little word of doubtful number,
7198 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7199 If you add an "s" to this,
7200 Great is the metamorphosis.
7201 Plural is plural now no more,
7202 And sweet what bitter was before.
7205 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7207 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7209 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7210 Buy the negatives at any price.
7212 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7214 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7217 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7218 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7221 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7224 A major, with wonderful force,
7225 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7226 All the flowers looked round,
7227 But no horse could be found;
7228 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7230 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7233 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7234 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7236 A man always remembers his first love with special
7237 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7240 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7241 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7242 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7243 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7245 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7246 on the side to make it interesting?"
7248 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7252 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7255 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7256 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7257 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7259 A deep majestic voice answered,
7260 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7261 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7262 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7263 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7264 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7265 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7267 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7271 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7272 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7274 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7277 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7278 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7279 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7281 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7282 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7283 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7284 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7286 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7287 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7288 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7289 and he heads off into the distance.
7290 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7291 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7292 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7293 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7294 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7295 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7297 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7300 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7301 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7304 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7305 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7306 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7308 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7311 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7312 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7314 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7315 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7318 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7319 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7320 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7322 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7324 A man said to the Universe:
7326 "However," replied the Universe,
7327 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7330 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7331 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7332 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7333 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7334 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7336 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7337 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7338 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7339 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7340 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7341 just want to get my saddle back!"
7343 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7344 he is able to answer.
7347 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7349 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7350 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7351 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7352 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7353 wakes up and gives me hell."
7354 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7356 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7357 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7358 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7359 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7360 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7363 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7364 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7365 why did you Di......eeee"
7366 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7367 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7368 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7369 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7370 why....eeeee did you.."
7371 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7372 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7373 "My wife's first husband."
7375 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7376 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
7378 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7381 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7382 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7384 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7385 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7387 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7389 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7391 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7392 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7394 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7396 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7398 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7400 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7401 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7402 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7403 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7404 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7406 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7408 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7410 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7411 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7413 A man's house is his castle.
7416 A man's house is his hassle.
7418 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7419 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7420 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7421 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7422 "What about you: do you see it?"
7423 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7424 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7425 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7426 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7427 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7429 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7430 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7431 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7432 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7434 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7435 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7436 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7438 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7440 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7443 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7445 A meeting is an event at which the
7446 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7448 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7449 but to protect the writer.
7452 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7453 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7454 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
7456 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7457 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7458 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7459 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7460 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7461 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7462 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7463 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7464 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7465 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7466 fall over gently onto their backs.
7467 -- Audubon Society Magazine
7469 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
7470 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7471 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
7472 helicopters passed overhead.
7473 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7474 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
7475 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7476 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7477 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7479 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7480 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
7483 A mighty creature is the germ,
7484 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7485 His customary dwelling place
7486 Is deep within the human race.
7487 His childish pride he often pleases
7488 By giving people strange diseases.
7489 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7490 You probably contain a germ.
7493 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7495 A modem is a baudy house.
7497 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7498 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7501 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7502 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7503 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7504 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7505 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7506 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7507 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7508 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7509 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7510 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7511 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7512 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7515 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7516 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7519 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7521 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7523 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7525 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7527 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7528 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7531 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7532 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7534 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7537 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7539 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7540 will be to us a national blessing.
7541 -- Alexander Hamilton
7543 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7544 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7545 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7546 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7548 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7549 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7550 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7551 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7552 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7553 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7554 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7557 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7558 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7559 It is an ice cream koan.
7561 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7562 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7563 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7565 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7566 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7567 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7568 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7569 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7570 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7571 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7572 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7574 A New Way of Taking Pills
7575 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7576 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7577 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7578 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7579 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7581 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7582 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7584 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7585 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7586 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7587 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7588 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7589 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7590 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7591 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7592 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7593 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7594 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7595 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7596 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7600 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7601 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7602 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7603 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7604 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7605 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7606 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7607 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7608 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7611 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7612 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7614 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7617 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7618 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7621 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7623 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7625 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7626 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7629 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7631 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7632 enlightenment, several years later.
7637 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7638 With thought and sarcasm.
7640 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7642 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7643 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7645 A Parable of Modern Research:
7647 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7648 brightly lit corner.
7649 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7650 "I can only see here."
7652 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7653 -- William S. Burroughs
7655 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7658 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7660 A penny saved has not been spent.
7662 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7664 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7666 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7668 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7669 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7670 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7671 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7672 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7675 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7676 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7677 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7678 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7681 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7683 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7685 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7686 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7688 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7689 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7692 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7695 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
7698 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7699 gets out and goes into the office.
7700 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7701 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7702 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7704 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7705 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7707 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7708 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7710 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7711 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7712 "we're building a house".
7714 A pig is a jolly companion,
7715 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7716 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7717 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7718 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7719 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7720 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7721 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7722 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7723 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7725 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7726 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7728 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7729 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7731 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7732 referring to memory management system services.]
7734 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7737 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7738 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7741 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7743 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7745 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7746 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7747 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7748 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7749 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7750 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7752 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7753 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7754 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7755 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7756 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7758 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7760 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7761 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7764 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7767 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7769 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7770 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
7772 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7773 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7774 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7777 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7780 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7781 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7782 of yours to press against my heart.
7783 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
7785 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7787 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7788 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7790 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7794 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7796 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7798 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7799 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7800 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7802 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7804 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7806 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7808 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7810 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7813 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7814 asks you not to kill him.
7815 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7817 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7818 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7820 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7822 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7823 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7824 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7825 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7826 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7827 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7828 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7829 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7830 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7832 A programming language is low level
7833 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7835 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7836 drink with -- even if he drank.
7839 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7840 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7841 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7842 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7843 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7844 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7845 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7846 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7847 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7848 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7850 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7851 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7854 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7855 your wife asks you for nothing.
7858 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7859 your wife will give you for free.
7861 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7862 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7863 was intended for her preservation.
7866 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7867 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7868 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7869 to make a travesty of the game.
7872 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7873 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7874 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7876 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7877 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7878 might be made an Archbishop."
7879 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7880 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7881 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7882 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7883 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7884 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7885 up from being the Pope?"
7886 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7887 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7889 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7890 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7893 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7894 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7897 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7899 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7900 his neighbor notice it.
7903 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7904 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7905 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7906 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7907 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
7908 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
7909 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
7910 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
7911 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
7912 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
7914 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
7915 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
7917 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
7918 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
7920 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
7921 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
7923 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
7924 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
7925 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
7926 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
7928 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
7929 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
7930 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
7933 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
7934 people what to do with their money.
7935 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
7937 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
7940 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
7941 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
7944 A robin redbreast in a cage
7945 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
7948 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
7949 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
7950 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
7952 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
7954 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
7956 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
7959 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
7960 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
7961 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
7962 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
7965 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
7966 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
7967 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
7968 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
7969 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
7970 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
7971 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
7972 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
7973 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
7974 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
7975 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
7976 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
7977 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
7978 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
7979 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
7981 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
7982 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
7983 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
7984 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
7985 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
7986 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
7987 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
7988 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
7989 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
7991 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
7992 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
7993 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
7995 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
7997 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
7998 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
7999 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8001 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8002 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8003 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8006 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8008 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8009 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8010 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8011 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8012 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8013 the vocation must fit the individual.
8014 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8016 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8018 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8019 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8020 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8023 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8024 the vexation of thinking.
8025 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
8027 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8028 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8029 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8030 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8032 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8033 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8035 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8037 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8038 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8042 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8045 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8046 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8047 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8048 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8049 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8050 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8051 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8052 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8053 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8054 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8055 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8056 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8057 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8059 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8060 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8061 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8062 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8063 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8064 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8065 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8066 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8067 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8068 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8069 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8070 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8071 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8073 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8076 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8079 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8080 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8081 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8084 I knew the language of the floweret;
8085 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8086 Love long has taken for his amulet
8089 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8090 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8091 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8093 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8095 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8098 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8100 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8102 A snake lurks in the grass.
8103 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8105 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8106 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8107 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8109 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8110 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8111 which is on its way out.
8114 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8117 A soft drink turneth away company.
8119 A song in time is worth a dime.
8121 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8122 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8123 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8124 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8125 "How are you?" they ask.
8126 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8127 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8128 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8129 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8130 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8132 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8133 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8134 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8135 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8137 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8138 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8139 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8140 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8142 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8144 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8146 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8149 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8150 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8151 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8152 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8154 A stitch in time saves nine.
8156 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8159 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8163 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8164 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8165 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8166 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8167 the student with a stick.
8169 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8171 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8173 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8174 undreamed of by its author.
8177 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8181 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8182 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8183 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8184 new versions of their own innards!
8187 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8188 -- by Charles Dickens
8190 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8192 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8195 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8197 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8198 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8200 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8203 -- by William Shakespeare
8205 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8206 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8208 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8209 -- by Charles Dickens
8211 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8212 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8215 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8216 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
8218 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8219 feels guilty and apologizes.
8221 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8224 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8226 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8228 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8230 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8231 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8233 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8234 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8236 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8237 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8240 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8241 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
8243 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8246 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8247 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8250 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8251 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8253 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8254 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8255 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8256 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8257 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8258 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8259 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8260 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8261 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8262 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8263 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8264 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8266 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8268 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8269 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8271 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8274 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8275 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8278 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
8279 -- Benjamin Franklin
8281 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8283 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8285 A truth that's told with bad intent
8286 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8289 A university is what a college becomes
8290 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8293 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
8294 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8296 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8297 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8298 She found a good way
8299 To combine work and play:
8300 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8302 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8303 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8304 -- Tennessee Williams
8306 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8309 A very intelligent turtle
8310 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8311 The system, you see,
8312 Ran as slow as did he,
8313 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8315 A violent man will die a violent death.
8318 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8320 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8322 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8324 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8327 A watched clock never boils.
8329 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8330 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8332 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8334 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8335 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8336 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8337 Software rots if not used.
8339 These are great mysteries.
8340 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8342 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8345 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8346 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8348 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8349 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8351 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8354 A witty saying proves nothing.
8357 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8360 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8361 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8362 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8363 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8364 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8365 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8366 near your person at all times.
8367 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8369 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8370 were quite a struggle.
8373 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8375 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8376 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8377 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8379 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8382 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8383 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8386 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8387 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8390 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8391 thankful for a good one.
8392 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8394 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8398 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8399 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8400 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
8402 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8406 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8407 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8408 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8409 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8411 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8414 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8415 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8416 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8417 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8418 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8419 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8420 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8421 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8423 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8424 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8425 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8427 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8428 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8430 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8432 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8435 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8436 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8438 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8439 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8441 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8443 A word to the wise is enough.
8444 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8446 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8447 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8448 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8449 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8450 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8451 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8452 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8454 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8455 what he writes fiction.
8458 A yawn is a silent shout.
8461 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8463 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8464 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8465 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8467 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8468 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8469 have that!" she gushed.
8470 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8471 window and grabbing the ring.
8472 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8473 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8474 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8476 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8477 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8478 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8480 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8481 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8482 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8483 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8484 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8485 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8486 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8487 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8488 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8489 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8490 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8491 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8492 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8493 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8494 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8495 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8496 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8497 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8498 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8499 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8502 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8504 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8505 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8506 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8507 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8508 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8509 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8511 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8512 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8514 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8516 Abbott's Admonitions:
8517 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8518 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8520 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8522 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8523 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8525 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8526 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8527 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8528 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8529 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8530 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8531 And to the presence in the room he said,
8532 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8533 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8534 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8535 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8536 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8537 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8538 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8539 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8540 It came again with a great wakening light,
8541 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8542 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8543 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8545 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8547 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8549 About the only thing we have left that actually
8550 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8552 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8555 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8556 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8557 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8559 Above all else - sky.
8561 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8563 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8566 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8567 and miss the return train.
8569 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8570 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8573 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8574 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8577 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8578 it enkindles the great.
8580 Absence makes the heart forget.
8582 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8584 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8587 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8589 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8592 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8596 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8597 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8598 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8600 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8604 A weak person who yields to the
8605 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8606 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8609 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8610 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8611 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8612 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8613 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8614 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8615 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8616 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8617 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8618 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8619 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8620 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8623 A statement or belief manifestly
8624 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8625 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8627 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8628 because the stakes are so low.
8631 Academicians care, that's who.
8634 A modern school where football is taught.
8636 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8638 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8640 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8643 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8645 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8646 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8648 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8651 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8652 but absence of body is better.
8653 -- Foolish Dictionary
8656 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8657 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8658 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8659 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8660 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8662 Accidents cause History.
8664 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8665 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8666 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8667 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8668 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8669 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8671 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8672 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8673 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8674 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8675 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8676 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8677 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8678 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8679 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8680 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8681 sheepish grin" comes from.
8683 According to all the latest reports,
8684 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8686 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8687 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8688 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8689 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8692 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8693 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8695 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8697 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8698 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8700 According to the latest official figures,
8701 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8703 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8706 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8707 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8708 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8709 beat up their city anytime.
8713 A bagpipe with pleats.
8716 The vice of being right.
8718 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8720 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8723 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8724 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8725 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8728 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8730 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8731 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8732 well, I think of my sex life.
8737 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8738 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8739 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8740 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8741 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8742 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8743 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
8744 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8745 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8747 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8748 everyone glued in their seats!"
8749 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8752 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8753 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8754 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8755 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8757 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8759 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8760 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8761 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8763 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8765 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8766 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8768 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8769 only have one floor to go to.
8771 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8772 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8773 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8774 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8775 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8778 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8781 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8782 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8784 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8786 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8787 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8790 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8791 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8793 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8794 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
8796 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8797 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8798 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8799 -- George Washington (1732-1799)
8801 Adding sound to movies would be like
8802 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8803 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
8805 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8806 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8808 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8810 Adler's Distinction:
8811 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8812 and from the bureaucrats.
8815 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8816 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8819 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8821 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8826 To venerate expectantly.
8827 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8830 One old enough to know better.
8834 Advancement in position.
8836 Advertisements contain the only
8837 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8840 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8841 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8844 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8847 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8848 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8851 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8852 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8855 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8857 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8859 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8860 then at least be aseptic.
8862 African violet: Such worth is rare
8863 Apple blossom: Preference
8864 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8865 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8866 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
8867 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8868 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8869 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8873 Forget-me-not: True love
8875 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8876 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8877 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8878 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8879 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8880 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8881 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8882 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8883 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8884 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8886 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8887 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8888 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8889 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8890 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8891 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8892 especially that which is prohibited.
8893 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8894 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8896 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8897 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8898 more advanced than the lichen family.
8899 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8901 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8903 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8904 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8905 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8906 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8907 And presents aren't promises
8908 And you begin to accept your defeats
8909 With your head up and your eyes open,
8910 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8911 And you learn to build all your roads
8912 On today because tomorrow's ground
8913 Is too uncertain. And futures have
8914 A way of falling down in midflight,
8915 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
8916 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
8917 For someone to bring you flowers.
8918 And you learn that you really can endure...
8919 That you really are strong,
8920 And you really do have worth
8921 And you learn and learn
8922 With every goodbye you learn.
8923 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
8925 After all, all he did was string together
8926 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
8927 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
8929 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8931 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
8934 After all my erstwhile dear,
8935 My no longer cherished,
8936 Need we say it was not love,
8937 Just because it perished?
8938 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8940 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
8941 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
8942 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
8945 After an instrument has been assembled,
8946 extra components will be found on the bench.
8948 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
8949 month than you did before.
8951 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
8952 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
8953 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
8954 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
8955 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
8956 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
8957 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
8958 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
8959 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
8960 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
8961 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
8962 that it sinks like a stone.
8963 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8965 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
8966 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
8967 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
8968 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
8969 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
8970 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
8971 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
8972 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
8973 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
8974 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
8975 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
8976 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
8977 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
8979 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
8980 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
8981 cost to others, to win advancement.
8984 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
8986 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
8987 but you believe everything. Just in case.
8989 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
8990 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
8991 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
8992 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
8993 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
8994 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
8995 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
8996 one foot in his mouth.)
8997 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
8999 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9002 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9003 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9004 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9005 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9006 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9008 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9009 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9011 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9012 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9013 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9014 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9015 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9016 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9017 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9018 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9019 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9020 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9021 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9022 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9023 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9024 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9026 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9027 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9028 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9030 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9031 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9032 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9033 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9034 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9036 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9037 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9038 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9039 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9040 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9041 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9042 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9044 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9045 straight to the point.
9046 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9048 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9049 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9051 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9054 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9057 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9059 Against Idleness and Mischief
9061 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9062 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9063 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9064 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9066 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9067 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9068 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9069 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9070 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
9072 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9073 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9075 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9077 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9080 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9081 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9084 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9085 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
9086 enterprise to commit.
9087 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9090 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9092 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9094 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9095 Or what's a heaven for ?
9096 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9098 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9101 For all dreams are not equal,
9102 some exit to nightmare
9103 most end with the dreamer
9105 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9107 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9108 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9109 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9110 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9113 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9115 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9117 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9119 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9120 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9121 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9122 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9123 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9124 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9126 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9128 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9129 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9131 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9134 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9135 -- The Mad Dogtender
9137 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9138 bring me a message from a young man.
9141 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9143 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9146 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9147 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9149 Air is water with holes in it.
9152 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
9153 the fattening of the poor.
9154 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9156 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9158 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9159 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9160 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9162 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9163 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9165 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9166 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9167 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9168 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9170 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9171 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9173 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9174 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9179 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9180 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9181 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9182 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9185 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9186 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9187 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9188 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9189 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9192 Social innovations tend to the level
9193 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9195 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9196 The surest poison is time.
9197 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9199 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9200 -- George Bernard Shaw
9203 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9205 (2) Always be backlit.
9206 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9208 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9209 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9210 You take one down, and pass it around,
9211 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9213 Alex Haley was adopted!
9215 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9216 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9218 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9219 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9220 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9222 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9223 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9225 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9226 important programming language yet developed.
9230 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9232 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9234 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9235 them keeps paying for it.
9238 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9241 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9244 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9246 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9248 Alive without breath,
9250 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9251 All in mail ever clinking.
9253 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9255 All art is but imitation of nature.
9256 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9258 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9259 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9260 Catiline", by Sallust
9262 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9266 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9267 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
9269 All constants are variables.
9271 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9274 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9276 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9281 Smoke a friend today.
9283 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9286 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9288 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9290 All Gods were immortal.
9291 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9293 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9296 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9298 All heiresses are beautiful.
9301 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9302 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9305 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9308 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9310 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9313 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9314 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9317 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9318 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9319 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9322 All I need to have a good time,
9323 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9324 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9325 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9327 All I want is to never grow old,
9328 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9329 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9330 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9332 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9333 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9334 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9335 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9336 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9338 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9339 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9341 All intelligent species own cats.
9343 All is fear in love and war.
9345 All is well that ends well.
9348 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9349 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9350 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9351 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9352 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9353 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9355 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9358 All laws are simulations of reality.
9361 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9364 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9368 All men have the right to wait in line.
9370 All men know the utility of useful things;
9371 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9374 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9375 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9376 To believe none so is something worse.
9377 -- John Quincy Adams
9379 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9380 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9383 All most people ask of life is a constant
9384 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9386 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9388 All my friends and I are crazy.
9389 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9391 All my friends are getting married,
9392 Yes, they're all growing old,
9393 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9394 They're all doing what they're told.
9396 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9400 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9402 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9403 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9405 All of the animals except man know that
9406 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9408 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9409 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9410 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9411 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9414 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9415 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
9417 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9418 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9419 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9420 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9421 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9423 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9427 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9428 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9429 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9431 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9433 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9436 All phone calls are obscene.
9437 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9439 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9442 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9444 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9445 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9446 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9447 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9448 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9449 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9451 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
9453 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9455 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9456 to live beyond its income.
9457 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9459 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9460 -- Ernest Rutherford
9462 All seems condemned in the long run
9463 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9466 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9469 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9471 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9473 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9475 All that is gold does not glitter,
9476 Not all those who wander are lost;
9477 The old that is strong does not wither,
9478 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9479 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9480 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9481 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9482 The crownless again shall be king.
9485 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9486 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9487 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9488 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9489 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9490 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9492 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9494 All the evidence concerning the universe
9495 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9497 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9498 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9499 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9500 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9502 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9503 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9504 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9505 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9507 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9508 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9509 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9510 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9512 I've read all the greats
9513 Both starving and fat,
9514 But none was as great as
9515 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9516 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9518 All the men on my staff can type.
9521 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9524 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9528 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9531 All the simple programs have been written.
9533 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9534 the government in less than a second.
9537 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9539 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9542 All the world's a VAX,
9543 And all the coders merely butchers;
9544 They have their exits and their entrails;
9545 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9546 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9547 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9548 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9549 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9550 Unwillingly to school.
9551 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9553 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9554 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9555 -- Richard P. Feynman
9557 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9559 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9561 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9562 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9564 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9565 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9568 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9570 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9571 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9573 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9574 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9578 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9579 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9580 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9582 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9584 All who joy would win Must share it --
9585 Happiness was born a twin.
9588 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9590 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9591 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9592 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9593 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9597 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9600 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9601 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9602 cannot separately plunder a third.
9603 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9605 All's well that ends.
9607 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9608 about today's software design would be accurate.
9613 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9615 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9616 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9618 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9619 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9620 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9621 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9622 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9623 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9625 caaa, n: An automobile.
9626 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9627 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9628 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9629 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9631 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9633 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9634 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9637 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9638 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9639 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9640 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9641 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9642 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9643 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9644 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9646 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9648 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9649 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9650 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9651 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9652 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9653 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9654 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9655 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9656 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9657 running the post office.
9658 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9660 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9661 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9662 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9663 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9664 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9665 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9666 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9667 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9668 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
9670 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
9672 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9674 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9677 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9679 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9681 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9684 Always store beer in a dark place.
9686 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9687 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9689 Always there remain portions of our heart
9690 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9692 Always think of something new; this
9693 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9696 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9699 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9702 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9703 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9706 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9707 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9710 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9711 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9714 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9716 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9720 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9721 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9722 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9724 America: born free and taxed to death.
9726 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9729 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9732 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9733 and the scum rises to the top.
9736 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9737 -- President John F. Kennedy
9739 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9740 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9741 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9742 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9743 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9745 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9746 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9747 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9748 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9749 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9750 by the majority they were at the time.
9751 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9753 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9754 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9756 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9757 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9760 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9761 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9763 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9765 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9767 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9768 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9769 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9770 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9771 pictures on the doors.
9772 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9774 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9776 American cars are made shoddily...
9777 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9780 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9781 we allow them short of hanging.
9784 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9785 tail it knocks over a chair.
9788 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9789 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9792 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9794 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9795 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9796 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9798 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9800 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9803 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9804 and divide at the same time.
9806 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9807 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
9809 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9811 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9812 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9814 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9817 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9818 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
9820 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9822 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9823 people refuse to see it.
9824 -- James Michener, "Space"
9826 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9827 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9828 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9829 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9831 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9834 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9837 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9838 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9839 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
9841 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9842 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9843 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9844 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9847 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9850 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9851 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9852 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9853 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9854 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9855 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9856 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9858 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9859 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9860 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9862 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9863 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9865 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9867 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9868 transportation everywhere."
9869 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9870 R: "We take the train."
9871 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9872 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9873 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9876 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9877 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9879 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9880 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9881 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9884 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9885 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9888 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9890 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9892 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9894 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9896 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9898 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9900 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9903 An attachment a la Plato
9904 for a bashful young potato
9905 or a, not too French, french bean
9906 must excite your languid spleen.
9907 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9908 with a poppy or lily
9909 in your medieval hand,
9911 as you walk your flowery way;
9912 "If this young man is content,
9913 with a vegetable love
9914 which would certainly not content me.
9915 Why, what a very pure young man
9916 this pure young man must be!"
9917 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
9918 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
9920 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
9921 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
9922 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
9923 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
9924 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
9925 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
9927 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
9928 really care to know.
9930 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
9932 An economist is a man who would marry
9933 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
9935 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
9936 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9938 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
9940 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
9941 itself equally in small as in great matters.
9942 -- Winston Churchill
9944 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
9945 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
9948 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
9949 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
9950 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
9951 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
9952 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
9953 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
9954 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
9955 I've already paid them half of it."
9956 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
9957 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
9959 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
9961 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
9962 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
9963 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
9964 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
9965 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
9966 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
9967 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
9968 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
9969 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
9970 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
9972 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
9974 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
9975 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
9976 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
9977 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
9979 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
9982 An evil mind is a great comfort.
9984 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
9985 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
9986 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
9987 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
9988 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
9991 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
9992 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
9993 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
9994 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
9995 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
9996 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
9997 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
9998 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
9999 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10000 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10001 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10002 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10004 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10006 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10010 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10014 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10015 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10016 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10018 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10019 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10021 An eye in a blue face
10022 Saw an eye in a green face.
10023 "That eye is like this eye"
10024 Said the first eye,
10026 Not in high place."
10028 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10029 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10030 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10031 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10032 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10033 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10034 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10035 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10036 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10037 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10038 He let go by the things of yesterday
10039 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10040 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10041 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10042 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10043 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10044 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10045 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10046 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10047 Was he to study till his head wend round
10048 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10049 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10050 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10051 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10053 [well, almost. Ed.]
10055 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10058 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10059 bought they stay bought.
10062 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10063 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10065 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10066 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10068 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10070 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10072 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10075 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10077 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10078 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10081 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10084 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10085 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10086 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10087 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10088 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10089 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10091 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10092 -- Benjamin Franklin
10094 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10095 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10096 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10097 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10098 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10099 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10100 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10101 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10102 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10103 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10104 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10105 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10106 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10107 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10110 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10113 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10114 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10116 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10118 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10121 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10124 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
10126 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10129 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10130 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10131 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10132 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10133 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10134 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10135 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10137 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10138 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10139 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10140 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10141 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10142 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10144 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10145 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10146 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10147 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10148 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10149 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10150 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
10152 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10153 Let our chant fill the void
10154 That others may know
10156 In the land of the night
10157 The ship of the sun
10160 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10162 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10163 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10164 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10165 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10166 And did the Countenance Divine
10167 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10168 And was Jerusalem builded here
10169 Among these dark satanic mills?
10171 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10172 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10173 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10174 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10175 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10176 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10177 Till we have built Jerusalem
10178 In England's green and pleasant land.
10179 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10181 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10183 And ever has it been known that
10184 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10187 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10188 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10189 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10190 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10191 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10192 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10193 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10194 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10195 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10196 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10197 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10198 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10199 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10200 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10201 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10202 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10203 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
10205 And here I wait so patiently
10206 Waiting to find out what price
10207 You have to pay to get out of
10208 Going thru all of these things twice
10209 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10211 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10213 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10214 As they strolled out of sight,
10215 "Merry Christmas to all --
10216 You take credit cards, right?"
10217 -- "Outsiders" comic
10219 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10220 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10221 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10222 them, aren't braced against them.
10223 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10225 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10226 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10227 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10228 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10230 And if California slides into the ocean,
10231 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10232 I predict this motel will be standing,
10233 Until I've paid my bill.
10234 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10236 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10237 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10241 As I am heading for the sink.
10242 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10243 Along with half of my last drink.
10245 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10246 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10249 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10250 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10253 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10256 And miles to go before I sleep.
10258 And now for something completely the same.
10260 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10261 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10262 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10263 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10265 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10266 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10267 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10268 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10270 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10271 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10272 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10273 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10275 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10276 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10277 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10278 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10281 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10283 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10285 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
10287 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
10290 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10291 Mama'd come to school
10292 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10293 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10294 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10295 but you know yourself
10296 it's always somewhere else
10297 I'd build me a castle
10298 with dragons and kings
10299 and I'd ride off with them
10300 As I stood by my window
10301 and looked out on those
10303 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10305 And so it was, later,
10306 As the miller told his tale,
10307 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10308 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10311 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10312 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10313 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10314 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10315 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10316 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10317 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10318 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10319 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10321 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10323 And that's the way it is...
10326 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10327 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10328 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10329 clothes! He is naked!"
10330 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10332 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10333 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10334 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10335 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10336 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10337 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10339 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10340 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10341 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10343 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10344 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10346 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10347 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10348 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10349 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10350 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10352 And this is good old Boston,
10353 The home of the bean and the cod,
10354 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10355 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10357 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10358 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10360 And we heard him exclaim
10361 As he started to roam:
10362 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10363 please don't try this at home!'"
10366 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10367 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10368 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10369 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10370 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10371 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10372 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10373 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10374 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10375 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10376 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10377 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10378 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10379 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10381 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10382 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10383 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10384 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10385 -- The Grateful Dead
10387 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10388 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10389 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10390 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10391 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10392 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10395 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10396 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10397 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10398 face, we have politics.
10399 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10400 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10402 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10403 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10405 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10406 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10407 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10409 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10411 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10412 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10413 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10415 Andrea's Admonition:
10416 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10417 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10418 it isn't and he can.
10423 Angels we have heard on High
10424 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10427 Anger is momentary madness.
10430 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10432 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10433 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10436 Ankh if you love Isis.
10438 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10440 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10442 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10443 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10444 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10445 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10446 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10449 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10453 Another day, another dollar.
10454 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10455 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10458 Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
10459 and nobody wants to do maintenance.
10460 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
10462 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10464 Another megabytes the dust.
10466 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10467 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10468 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10469 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10470 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10472 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10475 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10478 Anthony's Law of Force:
10479 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10481 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10482 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10483 corner of the workshop.
10486 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10489 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10490 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10492 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10495 Was tired of living alonio
10496 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10497 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10498 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10500 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10502 Said if you will be my ownio
10503 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10504 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10505 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10507 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10509 Uttered a dismal moanio
10510 And went off and hid
10511 Or I'm told that he did
10512 In the Antartical Zonio.
10515 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10517 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10518 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10519 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10520 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10521 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10522 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10523 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10524 cars across Europe.
10526 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10527 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10529 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10532 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10533 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10534 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10535 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10536 Is there a better way to die?
10537 -- Charles Lindbergh
10539 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10540 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10541 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10542 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10543 -- Richard Schickel
10545 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10548 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10549 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10551 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10552 wise person to be able to sell it.
10554 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10558 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10562 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10564 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10566 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10567 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10568 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10569 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10573 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10575 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10576 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10577 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10578 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10579 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10581 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10582 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
10584 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10585 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10586 be deemed to be a cat.
10587 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10589 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10590 -- Sydney J. Harris
10592 Any president should have the right to shoot
10593 at least two people a year without explanation.
10594 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10596 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10599 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10603 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10605 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10607 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10608 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10609 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10610 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10612 Any small object that is accidentally
10613 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10615 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10616 exactly the point of most pressure.
10619 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10622 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10624 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10625 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10627 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10628 given proper legal counsel.
10629 -- Alfred Perlstein
10631 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10634 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10635 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10637 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10639 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10640 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10643 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10644 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10647 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10648 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10650 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10652 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10653 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10654 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10657 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10658 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10661 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10664 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10667 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10668 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10669 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10670 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10671 thought on every occasion.
10672 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10674 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10676 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10677 extremely humble opinion.
10680 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10681 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10682 make messes in the house.
10683 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10685 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10686 -- Robert A. Heinlein
10688 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10689 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10691 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10694 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10695 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10696 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10697 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10698 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10700 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10701 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10704 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10705 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10706 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10708 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10709 account be allowed to do the job.
10710 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10712 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10713 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10714 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10715 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10717 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10720 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10721 tried taking candy from a baby.
10724 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10727 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10729 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10731 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10733 Anything is possible on paper.
10736 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10738 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10739 The label means the price went up.
10740 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10741 means the price went way up.
10743 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10745 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10746 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10747 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10749 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10751 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10752 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10753 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10754 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10755 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10756 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10757 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10758 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10759 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10761 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10762 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10764 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10767 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10768 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10771 A concise, clever statement.
10773 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10774 -- James Alexander Thom
10776 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10778 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10779 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10781 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10783 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10784 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10787 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10788 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10791 Appearances often are deceiving.
10795 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10798 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10799 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10801 April is the cruelest month...
10802 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10804 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10805 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10806 faucet on and off with your toes.
10807 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
10809 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10810 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10811 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10812 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10813 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10815 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10816 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10817 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10818 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10819 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10821 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10822 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10823 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10824 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10825 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10826 able to lend you a few bucks.
10828 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10829 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10830 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10831 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10832 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10833 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10836 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10837 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10838 general can be said."
10840 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10841 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10845 Are we running light with overbyte?
10848 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10849 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10850 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10853 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10854 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10856 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10857 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10858 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10859 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10860 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10861 Don't you know any better?
10862 How could you be so stupid?
10863 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10864 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10865 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10867 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10868 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10870 Do as I say, not as I do.
10871 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10872 What did you do *this* time?
10873 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10874 When I was your age...
10875 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10876 Think of all the starving children in India.
10877 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10878 I'm going to kill you.
10880 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10882 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10883 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10885 Go away. You bother me.
10886 Why? Because life is unfair.
10887 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10888 Children should be seen and not heard.
10889 You'll be the death of me.
10890 You'll understand when you're older.
10892 Wipe that smile off your face.
10893 I don't believe you.
10894 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10897 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10898 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10900 Good children always obey.
10901 Quit acting so childish.
10903 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10904 Why do you have to know so much?
10905 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10906 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10907 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10909 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10911 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10912 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10914 When are you going to grow up?
10915 I'm only doing this for your own good.
10916 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
10918 What's wrong with you?
10919 Someday you'll thank me for this.
10920 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
10921 Don't you have any sense at all?
10922 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
10923 Why? Because I said so.
10924 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
10926 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10927 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10929 You wouldn't understand.
10930 You ask too many questions.
10931 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
10932 That's for me to know and you to find out.
10933 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
10935 You're acting too big for your britches.
10936 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
10937 Wait till your father gets home.
10938 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
10939 Shape up or ship out.
10943 Are you making all this up as you go along?
10945 Are you sure the back door is locked?
10947 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
10948 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
10950 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
10951 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
10954 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
10955 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
10957 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
10958 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
10959 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
10962 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
10963 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
10964 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
10965 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
10968 An obscure art no longer practiced in
10969 the world's developed countries.
10971 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
10975 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
10977 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
10978 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
10983 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
10985 Armstrong's Collection Law:
10986 If the check is truly in the mail,
10987 it is surely made out to someone else.
10989 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
10990 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
10991 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
10992 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
10995 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
10996 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
10997 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
10998 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11000 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11001 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11002 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11003 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11005 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11006 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11008 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11009 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11010 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11011 piece would be better known as:
11012 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11014 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11015 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11016 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11018 Art is a jealous mistress.
11019 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11021 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11024 Art is anything you can get away with.
11025 -- Marshall McLuhan
11027 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11030 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11033 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11034 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11036 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11038 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11039 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11040 remind them of someone else.
11041 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11042 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11043 of yourself in person.
11046 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11047 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11048 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11049 Article the Fourth:
11050 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11051 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11052 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11054 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11055 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11056 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11057 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11058 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11060 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11061 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11064 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11066 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11068 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11069 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11070 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11071 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11072 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11074 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11075 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11076 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11079 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11080 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11081 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11083 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11084 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11085 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11086 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11088 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11089 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11090 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11091 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11093 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11094 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11096 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11097 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11098 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11101 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11102 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11105 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11108 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11109 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11111 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11112 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11113 -- Frederic Reynolds
11115 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11116 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11119 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11121 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11124 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11125 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11126 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11127 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11128 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11129 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11130 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11131 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11132 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11135 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11136 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11139 As I thought, no better from this side.
11142 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11143 Feeling worse and worser,
11144 There I met a C.R.T.
11145 And it drop't me a cursor.
11148 Phosphors light on you!
11149 If I had fifty hours a day
11150 I'd spend them all at you.
11151 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11153 As I was passing Project MAC,
11154 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11155 Every hack had seven bugs;
11156 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11157 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11158 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11159 How many losses at Project MAC?
11161 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11162 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11163 The words were torn and tattered,
11164 From the storm the night before,
11165 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11167 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11168 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11169 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11170 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11172 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11173 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11174 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11175 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11177 As in certain cults it is possible to
11178 kill a process if you know its true name.
11179 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11181 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11182 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11183 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11184 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11185 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11186 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11187 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11188 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11189 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11190 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11191 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11192 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11193 on the austerity of the word.
11194 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11196 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11197 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11198 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11199 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11201 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
11203 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11205 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11206 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11207 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11209 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11210 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11211 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11213 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11214 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11215 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11217 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11219 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11220 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11221 3. Some people never look at me.
11222 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11223 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11224 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11225 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11226 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11227 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11228 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11229 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11230 12. I cannot read or write.
11231 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11232 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11233 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11234 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11235 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11236 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11237 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11238 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11240 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11241 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11242 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11244 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11246 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11247 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11249 4. I like mannish children.
11250 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11251 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11252 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11253 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11254 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11255 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11256 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11258 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11259 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11260 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11261 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11262 16. My eyes are always cold.
11263 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11264 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11265 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11266 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11268 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11269 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11270 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11271 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11272 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11273 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11274 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11275 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11276 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11278 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11279 Please update your programs.
11281 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11282 Please update your programs.
11284 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11286 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11287 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11289 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11291 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11292 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11293 Keywords: C sources
11296 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11297 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11298 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11299 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11301 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11302 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11303 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11306 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11307 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11308 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11309 conversion to a new computer system.
11311 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11312 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11313 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11314 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11315 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11317 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11318 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11319 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11320 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11322 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11324 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11325 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11328 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11329 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11330 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11331 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11332 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11333 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11334 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
11336 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11337 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11338 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11340 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11341 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11342 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11343 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11345 -- Benjamin Franklin
11347 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11348 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11350 As Will Rogers would have said,
11351 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11353 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11354 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11355 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11356 proper time for chocolate.
11357 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11359 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11360 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11363 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11364 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11365 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11366 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11367 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11368 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11369 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11370 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11371 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11372 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11373 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11374 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11375 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11378 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11379 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11380 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11381 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11382 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11383 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11384 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11385 spider is suing you for damages.
11387 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11388 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11390 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11392 Ascend to the high mountain pass,
11393 Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
11394 Do not give up to the great distance:
11395 It's by going that you will reach your aim.
11396 Be not discouraged by human frailty:
11397 You will overcome it if you try to.
11398 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
11401 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11402 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11403 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11407 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11409 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11411 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11412 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11414 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11415 one went to Harvard).
11416 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11418 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11419 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11422 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11424 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
11425 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11427 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11430 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11433 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11434 -- John Stuart Mill
11436 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11437 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11438 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11439 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11440 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11441 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11442 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11443 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11444 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11445 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11446 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11447 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11448 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11449 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11450 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11451 -- Garrison Keillor
11453 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11454 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11455 -- Christopher Hampton
11458 The masculine of "lass".
11460 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11461 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11464 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11465 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11466 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11467 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11470 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11472 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11473 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11475 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11476 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11477 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11478 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11479 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11480 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11481 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11482 a computer problem?"
11483 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11484 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11485 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11486 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11487 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11488 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11489 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11491 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11493 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11494 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11495 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11496 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11498 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11499 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11500 ignorance upon the shore.
11503 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11504 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11505 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11506 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11508 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11509 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11510 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11511 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11512 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11513 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11514 function as a normal person.
11516 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11517 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11522 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11523 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11524 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11526 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11528 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11529 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11530 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11532 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11533 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11536 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11539 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11541 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11542 thumb with a hammer.
11543 -- Marshall Lumsden
11545 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11546 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11547 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11548 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11549 after fact and reason.
11552 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11553 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11556 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11557 and no further activities are scheduled.
11559 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11560 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11561 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11562 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11564 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11565 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11566 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11567 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11568 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11569 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11570 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11572 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11574 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11575 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11576 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11577 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11578 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11579 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11580 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11581 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11583 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11584 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11585 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11586 guess who's going to die soon!"
11588 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11589 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11591 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11592 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11594 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11595 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11598 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11599 number of pens that person is carrying.
11601 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11604 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11606 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11609 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11610 -- Winston Churchill
11612 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11613 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11616 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11617 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11618 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11619 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11620 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11621 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11624 A gyp off the old block.
11626 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11630 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11632 Auribus teneo lupum.
11633 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11636 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11638 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11639 depths they were once able to plumb.
11642 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11643 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11646 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11651 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11653 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11654 They're a dime a dozen.
11656 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11658 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11659 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11661 Avoid reality at all costs.
11663 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11664 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11665 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11667 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11669 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11670 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11671 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11672 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11674 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11675 bad fiction contest.
11678 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11679 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11680 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11683 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11686 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11688 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11689 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11690 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11691 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11692 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11693 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11694 Business before pleasure."
11696 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11697 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11698 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11699 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11700 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11701 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11702 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11703 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11704 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11705 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11706 never really caught on.
11708 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11709 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11711 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11712 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11714 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11716 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11718 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11719 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11723 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11724 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11725 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11726 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11727 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11730 Bagdikian's Observation:
11731 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11732 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11734 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11735 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11737 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11738 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11739 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11744 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11748 Fear of being buried alive.
11757 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11759 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11761 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11762 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11763 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11766 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11767 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11769 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11772 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11774 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11775 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11776 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11777 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11778 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11780 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11781 floor -- especially in the dark.
11784 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11787 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11788 what kind of weather we are having.
11789 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11791 Barth's Distinction:
11792 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11793 types, and those who don't.
11795 Baruch's Observation:
11796 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11798 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11801 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11804 Basic Definitions of Science:
11805 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11806 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11807 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11809 Basic is a high level languish.
11810 APL is a high level anguish.
11812 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11814 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11818 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11819 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11821 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11822 come in and sink my boats.
11826 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11827 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11828 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11830 Batteries not included.
11833 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11834 will not yield to the tongue.
11835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11837 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11838 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11840 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11842 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11844 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11845 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11847 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11849 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11852 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11854 Be careful! Is it classified?
11856 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11858 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11859 situations that can't bear inspection.
11861 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11864 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11865 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11867 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11869 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11872 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11874 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11875 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11877 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11878 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11881 Be different: conform.
11883 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11884 the issue afterwards.
11886 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11887 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11889 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11892 Insult a rich relative today.
11894 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11895 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11897 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11900 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11901 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11903 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11905 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11906 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11908 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11909 and original in your work.
11912 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11914 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11917 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
11919 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
11921 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
11922 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
11926 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
11927 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
11930 In war: Where soldiers die.
11932 Beam me up, Scotty!
11934 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
11936 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
11938 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
11941 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
11943 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
11945 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
11947 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
11950 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
11951 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
11954 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
11958 Because I do not hope,
11959 Because I do not hope to survive
11960 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
11961 Because I do, only do,
11965 Because the wine remembers.
11967 Because we don't think about future generations,
11968 they will never forget us.
11972 What did you bring back for me?
11974 Been Transferred Lately?
11976 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
11978 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
11980 Bees are very busy souls
11981 They have no time for birth controls
11982 And that is why in times like these
11983 There are so many Sons of Bees.
11985 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
11986 -- Addison H. Hallock
11988 Before destruction a man's heart is
11989 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
11992 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
11993 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
11994 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
11995 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
11996 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12000 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12002 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12003 they are "Let's eat out."
12005 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12006 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12008 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12010 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12012 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12013 you really want to know the answers.
12014 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12016 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
12017 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
12021 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12022 you won't have to watch commercials.
12024 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12025 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12027 Beggars should be no choosers.
12030 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12032 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12034 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12036 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12037 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12038 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12042 Behold the unborn foetus and
12043 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12044 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12045 An enemy civilian).
12047 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12048 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12050 Beifeld's Principle:
12051 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12052 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12053 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12054 looking and richer male friend.
12056 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12058 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12059 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12060 opposite applies with the judges.
12061 -- Beyond the Fringe
12063 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12064 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12067 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12068 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12069 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12070 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12071 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12073 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12074 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12075 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12076 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
12078 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12080 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12081 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12083 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12084 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12087 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12088 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12091 Being owned by someone used to be called
12092 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12094 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12096 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12097 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12098 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12100 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12103 Something you do not believe.
12105 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12107 -- Honore de Balzac
12109 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
12111 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12114 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12115 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12116 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12117 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12119 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
12123 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12125 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12126 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12128 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12129 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12132 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12133 none of his friends like him either.
12136 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12137 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12138 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12139 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12140 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12141 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12142 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12143 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12144 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12145 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12146 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12147 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12148 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12149 "The test or the room?"
12150 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12151 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12152 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12153 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12154 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12156 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12159 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12160 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12161 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12163 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12165 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12167 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12168 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12170 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12173 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12174 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12175 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12176 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12179 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12180 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12182 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12183 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12184 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12185 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12186 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12187 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12188 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12189 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12191 Best Mistakes In Films
12192 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12193 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12195 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12196 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12197 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12198 with television aerials.
12199 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12200 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12202 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12203 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12204 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12206 Best of all is never to have been born.
12207 Second best is to die soon.
12210 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12211 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12212 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12214 Better by far you should forget and
12215 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12216 -- Christina Rossetti
12218 Better dead than mellow.
12220 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12221 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12223 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12225 Better late than never.
12226 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12228 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12233 santa claus <north pole >town
12235 cat /etc/passwd >list
12238 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12239 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12240 santa claus <north pole >town
12242 who | grep sleeping
12244 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12245 for (goodness sake) {
12249 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12250 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12251 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12253 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12255 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12256 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12258 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12260 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12263 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12264 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12265 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12266 pushing boulders into a single word.
12267 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12268 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12269 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12270 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12271 Parliament and Party.
12272 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12273 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12274 -- The Realist, November, 1964
12276 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12278 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12286 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12288 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12289 referring to system service dispatching.]
12291 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12293 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12295 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12297 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12299 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12300 a new wearer of clothes.
12301 -- Henry David Thoreau
12305 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12309 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12311 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12313 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12315 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12317 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12318 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12319 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12322 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12323 -- Leonard Brandwein
12325 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12326 drip under pressure.
12328 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12329 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12330 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12332 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12334 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12335 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12337 Beware the new TTY code!
12339 Beware the one behind you.
12342 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12344 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12345 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12346 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12347 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12349 Big book, big bore.
12352 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12353 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12356 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12358 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12361 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12363 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12364 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
12366 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12367 generation to generation?
12369 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12372 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12374 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12375 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12376 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12379 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12381 Biology grows on you.
12383 Biology is the only science in which
12384 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12387 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12390 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12391 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12392 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12394 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12397 The first and direst of all disasters.
12398 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12400 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12402 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12403 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12404 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12405 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12406 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12407 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12408 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12411 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12412 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12413 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12416 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12417 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12418 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12422 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12425 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12427 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12429 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12430 are involved in when they burn stores.
12433 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12434 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12435 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12436 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12438 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12439 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12440 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12441 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12445 That's an empty wish.
12446 Just dump them together
12447 And leave them alone,
12448 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12449 -- To My Favorite Things
12451 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12452 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12453 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12454 She wants to hit those bricks,
12455 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12456 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12457 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12458 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12459 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12460 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12462 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12464 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12465 get the better even of their blunders.
12466 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
12468 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12470 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12473 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12475 -- James Russell Lowell
12477 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12478 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12480 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12483 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12486 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12487 for he shall enjoy living.
12490 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12491 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12494 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12497 BLISS is ignorance.
12500 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12501 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12502 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12504 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12506 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12508 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12509 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12512 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12515 Blow it out your ear.
12518 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12521 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12523 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12525 Boling's postulate:
12526 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12528 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12529 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12530 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12532 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12533 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12535 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12536 seemed to come from Texas.
12537 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12539 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12542 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12544 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12547 You always find something in the last place you look.
12550 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12553 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12557 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12558 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12561 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12562 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12563 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12566 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12567 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12568 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12572 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12575 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12576 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12578 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12579 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12580 straightened out for a crowbar.
12583 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12584 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12585 on the same communications line connection.
12586 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12588 Boucher's Observation:
12589 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12590 several octaves higher than originally written.
12592 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12596 Talent goes where the action is.
12599 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12603 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12604 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12605 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12606 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12607 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12608 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12609 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12611 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12612 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12614 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
12618 A noise with dirt on it.
12620 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12622 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12624 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12625 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12628 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12631 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12632 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12633 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12634 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12635 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12636 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12637 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12638 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12639 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12640 which is all the time.
12641 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12643 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12644 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12645 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12646 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12647 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12651 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12652 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12654 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12655 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12656 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12657 have handled this?"
12659 Brain fried -- core dumped
12662 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12663 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12665 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
12666 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12667 of error in an opponent.
12668 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12670 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12671 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12673 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12674 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12675 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12676 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12678 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12679 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12680 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12681 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12682 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12683 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12684 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12685 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12686 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12687 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12688 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12689 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12690 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12691 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12693 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12696 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12699 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12701 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12702 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12703 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12705 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12706 Watch lights fade from every room.
12707 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12708 another day's useless energies spent.
12710 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12711 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12712 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12713 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12715 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12716 Removes the colors from our sight.
12717 Red is grey and yellow white.
12718 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12719 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12721 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12724 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12725 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12727 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12730 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12732 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12733 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12734 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12735 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12736 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12737 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12738 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12739 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12740 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12741 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12742 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12743 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12744 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12747 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12748 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12749 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12750 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12752 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12753 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12754 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12755 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12756 -- "The Jabberwock"
12758 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12759 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12761 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12762 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12763 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12764 brusque, your character.
12767 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12768 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12771 British Israelites:
12772 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12773 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12774 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12775 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12776 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12777 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12778 and take all your teeth.
12779 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12781 Broad-mindedness, n.:
12782 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12785 People tend to congregate in the back
12786 of the church and the front of the bus.
12789 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12791 Brontosaurus Principle:
12792 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12793 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12794 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12795 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12798 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12799 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12800 expands it beyond recognition.
12803 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12806 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12807 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12808 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12810 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12811 (of one of the two other meanings).
12812 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12813 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12814 reviews just done in his spirit.
12816 BS: You remind me of a man.
12818 BS: The man with the power.
12820 BS: The power of voodoo.
12824 BS: Remind me of a man.
12826 BS: The man with the power...
12827 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12830 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12831 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12833 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12836 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12839 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12840 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12843 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12847 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12848 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12849 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12850 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12853 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12856 Building translators is good clean fun.
12859 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12861 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12862 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12863 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
12866 All the parts falling off this car are
12867 of the very finest British manufacture.
12869 Bunker's Admonition:
12870 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12873 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12874 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12875 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12877 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12878 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12879 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12880 12 months after the decision is made.
12883 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12886 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12890 A politician who has tenure.
12892 Burke's Postulates:
12893 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12894 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12896 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12897 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12899 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12900 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12901 perfectly balanced.
12902 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
12905 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12908 Bus error -- driver executed.
12910 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12912 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12914 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12915 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12916 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12918 Business will be either better or worse.
12921 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
12923 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
12926 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
12927 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
12929 But has any little atom,
12930 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
12931 Ever stopped to think or CARE
12934 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
12935 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
12936 kill more than I could eat.
12939 But I don't like Spam!!!!
12941 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
12942 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
12943 "But I'm feeling much better..."
12944 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
12945 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
12947 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
12948 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
12949 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
12950 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
12951 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
12952 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
12953 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
12954 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
12955 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
12956 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
12957 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
12958 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
12960 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
12962 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
12963 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
12964 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
12966 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
12967 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
12968 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
12970 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
12975 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
12977 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
12978 In proving foresight may be vain:
12979 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
12981 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
12983 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
12985 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
12987 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
12989 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
12990 to the nearest gas station.
12992 But scientists, who ought to know
12993 Assure us that it must be so.
12994 Oh, let us never, never doubt
12995 What nobody is sure about.
12998 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13000 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13001 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13004 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13005 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13006 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13007 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13009 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13010 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13011 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13012 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13013 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13014 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13015 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13016 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13017 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13018 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13019 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13021 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13022 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13023 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13024 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13025 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13026 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13028 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13030 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13031 I've been taking them for years.
13033 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13034 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13035 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13036 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13037 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13038 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13040 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13043 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13044 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13046 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13047 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13048 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13049 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13051 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13052 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13053 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13054 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13055 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13056 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13057 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13058 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13059 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13060 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13061 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13062 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13063 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13064 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13067 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13069 By doing just a little every day, you can
13070 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13072 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13074 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13075 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13076 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13079 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13080 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13083 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13084 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13085 as it is to invent.
13086 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
13087 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13088 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13089 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13090 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13092 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13093 -- Charles Spurgeon
13095 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13096 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13098 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13099 to suspect "Hungry" ...
13100 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13102 By the time you swear you're his,
13103 shivering and sighing
13104 and he vows his passion is
13105 infinite, undying --
13106 Lady, make a note of this:
13107 One of you is lying.
13108 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13110 By the yard, life is hard.
13111 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13113 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13114 Another man's, I mean.
13117 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13118 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13122 Believing Your Own Bull
13124 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13125 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13126 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13127 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13128 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13129 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
13130 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13132 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13134 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13135 carefully print the chaff.
13146 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13148 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13149 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13150 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13153 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13154 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13155 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13160 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13162 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13164 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
13165 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13168 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13169 is supposed to know is there.
13171 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13174 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13175 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13178 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13181 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13182 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13184 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13187 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13188 referring to logical names.]
13190 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13191 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13193 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13194 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13195 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13196 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13198 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13199 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13200 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13202 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13203 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13205 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13206 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13210 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13212 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13214 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13218 Can anyone remember when the times
13219 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13221 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13222 Yes, work never begun.
13224 "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
13225 No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
13226 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
13228 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13229 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13230 -- Robert J. Ringer
13232 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13233 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13235 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13236 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13238 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13239 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13240 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13242 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13243 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13244 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13245 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13246 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13248 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13249 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13250 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13251 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13252 when you're poor and unhappy.
13254 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13255 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13256 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13257 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13258 recipients are Cancer people.
13261 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13262 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13263 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13264 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13265 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13266 fashion without thinking.
13267 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13268 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13269 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13271 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13272 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
13273 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13275 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13277 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
13279 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13280 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13281 -- John Maynard Keynes
13283 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13284 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13285 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13286 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13287 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13288 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13290 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13291 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13292 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13293 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13295 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13296 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13297 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13298 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13299 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13301 Captain Penny's Law:
13302 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13303 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13305 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13307 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13308 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13309 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13312 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13313 trousers that don't match.
13315 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13316 the name Craney incorrectly.
13319 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13320 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13321 the same can be said of dirt.
13323 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13324 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13325 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
13326 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13327 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13329 Carson's Consolation:
13330 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13331 It can always be used as a bad example.
13333 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13334 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13336 Carswell's Corollary:
13337 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13338 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13341 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13343 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13346 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13349 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13351 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13352 -- Garrison Keillor
13354 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13355 a sled through the snow.
13357 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13359 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13360 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13362 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13364 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13366 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13368 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13370 Cecil, you're my final hope
13371 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13372 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13373 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13374 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13375 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13376 What I don't understand is just why he
13377 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13378 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13379 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13380 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13381 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13382 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13383 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13384 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13385 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13387 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13389 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13390 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13391 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13392 -- Kelvin Throop III
13394 Census Taker to Housewife:
13395 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13397 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13399 Cerebral atrophy, n.:
13400 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13401 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13402 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13403 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13404 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13405 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13406 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13408 Cerebral darwinism, n.:
13409 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13410 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13411 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13412 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13413 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13414 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13415 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13416 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13418 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13419 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13420 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13423 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13424 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13426 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13427 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13428 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13429 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13430 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13431 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13432 others who have tried it.
13433 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13435 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
13436 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
13437 of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
13438 which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
13439 the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
13440 nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
13441 (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
13443 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13445 Certainly the game is rigged.
13446 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13447 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13449 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13450 But it's very funny --
13451 did you ever try buying them without money?
13454 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13456 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13457 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13459 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13462 Chairman of the Bored.
13464 Chamberlain's Laws:
13465 1: The big guys always win.
13466 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13468 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13471 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13473 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13476 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13478 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13480 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13481 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13482 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13483 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13484 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13485 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13486 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13489 Character density, n.:
13490 The number of very weird people in the office.
13492 Character is what you are in the dark!
13493 -- Lord John Whorfin
13495 Charity begins at home.
13496 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13499 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13501 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13502 Linus: To make others happy.
13503 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13505 Charlie was a chemist,
13506 But Charlie is no more.
13507 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13509 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13510 without having asked any clear question.
13512 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13514 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13515 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13518 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13519 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13521 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13523 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13524 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13527 Any cook who swears in French.
13530 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13531 the next time he's in need.
13534 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13536 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13538 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13540 Chemistry is applied theology.
13541 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13543 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13546 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13550 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13553 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13555 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13556 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13557 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13558 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13560 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13561 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13562 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13563 cheerfully baste you.
13564 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13566 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13567 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13569 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13571 Chicken Little was right.
13574 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13575 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13576 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13577 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13579 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13580 shivers when it's warm.
13582 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13583 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13585 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13586 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13588 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13589 going to catch you in next.
13590 -- Franklin P. Jones
13592 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13593 And that's what parents were created for.
13596 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13597 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13600 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13601 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13603 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13604 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13606 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13608 Chism's Law of Completion:
13609 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13610 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13612 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13613 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13615 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13616 Roger the thief has a
13619 Folks who are reading are
13621 Always Forgetting to
13622 Guard their own bac ...
13626 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13627 a friend if she were a man.
13631 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13632 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13633 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13634 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13635 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13636 And we begged her not to go.
13637 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13638 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13639 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13640 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13641 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13642 He's been taking this so well.
13643 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13644 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13645 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13646 They should never give a license,
13647 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13649 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13652 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
13654 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13656 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13657 -- George Bernard Shaw
13659 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13660 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13661 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13662 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13664 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13665 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13666 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13667 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13669 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13670 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13671 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13672 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13673 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13674 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13675 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13676 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13677 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13680 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13681 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13682 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13685 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13689 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13690 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13691 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13693 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13696 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13699 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13700 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13702 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13706 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13707 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13709 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13711 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13712 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13715 Clarke's Conclusion:
13716 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13718 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13719 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13722 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13723 leading the parade.
13726 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13727 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13730 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13732 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13733 the walk before it stops snowing.
13736 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13739 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
13742 Where their last tornado did six
13743 million dollars worth of improvements.
13745 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13748 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13750 Climate and Surgery
13751 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13752 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13753 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13754 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13755 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13756 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13757 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13759 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13760 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13762 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13763 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13764 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13765 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13766 please?" it asked the bartender.
13767 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13768 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13769 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13772 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13773 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13774 is a clone of our product."
13776 Clones are people two.
13778 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13780 Clothes make the man.
13781 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13784 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13785 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13786 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13787 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13789 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13790 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13791 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13793 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13794 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13795 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13797 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13798 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13799 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13801 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13802 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13803 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13805 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13806 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13807 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13809 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13810 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13811 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13813 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13814 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13815 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13817 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13818 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13819 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13821 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13822 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13823 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13824 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13825 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13826 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13828 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13829 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13830 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13832 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13833 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13834 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13836 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13837 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13838 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13839 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13842 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13845 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13847 COBOL is for morons.
13848 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13850 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13852 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13855 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13856 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13858 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13859 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13860 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13862 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13866 There is no bottom to worse.
13869 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13870 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13871 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13874 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13877 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13878 -- G. K. Chesterton
13881 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
13884 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13887 Cold hands, no gloves.
13890 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13893 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13894 other fellow can spell.
13897 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13899 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13900 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13901 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13902 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13907 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13909 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13911 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13913 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13914 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13915 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13916 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13917 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13918 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13919 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13920 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13921 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13922 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13924 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
13925 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
13926 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
13927 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
13928 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
13929 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
13930 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
13932 Colvard's Logical Premises:
13933 All probabilities are 50%.
13934 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
13936 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
13937 This is especially true when
13938 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
13940 Grelb's Commentary:
13941 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
13943 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13944 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13945 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13946 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13947 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13949 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
13950 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
13951 The bird of time has but a little way
13952 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
13956 -- George McGovern, 1972
13958 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
13959 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
13960 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
13962 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13963 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13964 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
13965 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13966 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13968 Come live with me, and be my love,
13969 And we will some new pleasures prove
13970 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
13971 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13974 Come live with me and be my love,
13975 And we will some new pleasures prove
13976 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
13977 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13978 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
13979 If you would be my POSSLQ.
13981 You live with me, and I with you,
13982 And you will be my POSSLQ.
13983 I'll be your friend and so much more;
13984 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
13986 And everything we will confess;
13987 Yes, even to the IRS.
13988 Some day on what we both may earn,
13989 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
13990 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
13991 You'll share my life - up to a point!
13992 And that you'll be so glad to do,
13993 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
13995 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
13996 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
13998 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
13999 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
14002 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14003 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14004 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14005 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14006 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14007 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14008 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14009 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14010 Wherever in your sightless substances
14011 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14012 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14013 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14014 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14015 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14016 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
14018 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14020 Coming to Stores Near You:
14022 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14024 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14025 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14026 I'm Not Misbehaving
14028 And A Whole Lot More...
14030 Coming together is a beginning;
14031 keeping together is progress;
14032 working together is success.
14035 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14036 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14038 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14039 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14042 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14043 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14046 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14047 decide that nothing can be done.
14051 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14052 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14053 stamps you as being wise.
14054 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14056 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14057 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14058 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14060 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14061 be appointed to do the work.
14063 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14064 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14067 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14070 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14073 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14074 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14075 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
14077 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14078 1) No action is without side-effects.
14079 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14080 3) There is no free lunch.
14082 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14084 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14085 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14088 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14089 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14090 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14091 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14092 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14093 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14094 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14097 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14098 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14101 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14102 is in the eye of the beholder.
14103 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14105 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14106 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14111 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14114 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14117 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14118 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14119 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14122 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14123 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14124 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14126 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14128 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14130 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14133 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14134 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14135 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14136 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14137 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14138 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14139 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14141 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14143 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14145 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14146 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14149 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14151 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14152 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14155 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14158 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14159 the world that just don't add up.
14161 Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
14162 The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
14163 goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
14164 course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
14165 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
14167 Computers don't actually think.
14168 You just think they think.
14171 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14172 than the estimate the job will cost.
14174 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14175 -- La Rochefoucauld
14178 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14181 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14182 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14183 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
14185 Condense soup, not books!
14188 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14189 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14190 he's already decided to do.
14192 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14193 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14196 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14198 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14199 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14202 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14204 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
14206 Confidant, confidante, n.:
14207 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14210 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14211 fall flat on your face.
14214 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14216 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14217 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14219 Conflicting research paradigms
14220 Have legitimized various crimes.
14221 The worst we can see
14223 Measuring reaction times.
14225 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14227 Confucius say too damn much!
14229 Confucius say too much.
14230 -- Recent Chinese proverb
14232 Confusion will be my epitaph
14233 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14234 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14235 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14236 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14238 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14239 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14242 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14243 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14244 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14245 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14246 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14247 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14248 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14249 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14250 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14251 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14252 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14253 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14254 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14256 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14258 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14263 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14264 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14265 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14266 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14267 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14270 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14271 nameless to the development team after releasing
14272 the second version of their product.
14274 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14276 Mathematician's Proof:
14277 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14278 odd numbers are prime.
14280 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14281 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14283 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14284 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14285 Computer Scientist's Proof:
14286 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14288 Connector Conspiracy, n.:
14289 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14290 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14291 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14292 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14293 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14296 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14298 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14299 governing that is hard.
14300 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14302 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14303 -- William Shakespeare
14305 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14308 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14309 when everything else feels great.
14311 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14312 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14314 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14318 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14319 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14320 never admitted to in the first place.
14322 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
14323 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14326 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14327 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14328 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14330 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
14331 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14333 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14334 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14336 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14337 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14338 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14339 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14341 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14342 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14343 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14345 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14346 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14350 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14351 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14352 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14353 Calculator, Will Travel.
14356 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14359 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14360 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14361 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14362 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14366 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14367 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14369 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14370 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14373 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14375 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14376 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14377 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14378 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14379 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14380 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14382 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14383 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14385 "Through the Looking-Glass,
14386 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
14388 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14389 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
14391 Convention is the ruler of all.
14394 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14395 but solitude is the school of genius.
14398 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14399 is called the listener.
14402 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14405 This person must be fired.
14407 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14409 -- Raymond Chandler
14412 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14413 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14414 interested in reading them.
14417 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14418 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
14420 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14422 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14423 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
14426 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14428 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14429 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14433 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14434 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14435 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14438 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14440 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14441 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14442 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14443 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14444 being easier to stake.
14446 Counting in binary is just like counting
14447 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14450 Counting in octal is just like counting
14451 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14454 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14456 Courage is grace under pressure.
14458 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14461 Courage is your greatest present need.
14464 A place where they dispense with justice.
14467 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14468 -- William Congreve
14471 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14472 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14474 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14475 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14476 -- Wernher von Braun
14478 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14480 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14481 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14482 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14483 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14484 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14485 between adequacy and excellence.
14487 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14488 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14489 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14490 say it was obvious all along.
14491 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14493 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14495 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14496 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14498 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14502 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14504 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14505 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14506 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14507 regardless of your formal duties.
14509 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14513 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14515 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14517 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14520 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14521 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14524 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14525 -- Socrates' last words
14528 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14531 The amount of work done varies inversely
14532 with the time spent in the office.
14534 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14537 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14538 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14539 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14540 much work has already been done on it.
14542 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14544 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14548 Cthulhu for President!
14549 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14551 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14553 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14555 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14559 One whose program will not run.
14562 Cursor address, n.:
14564 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14566 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14568 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14569 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14570 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14571 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14572 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14573 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14574 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14575 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14576 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14577 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14578 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14579 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14580 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14584 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14585 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14586 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14587 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14589 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14591 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14592 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14595 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14599 Cutler Webster's Law:
14600 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14601 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14603 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14604 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14605 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
14609 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14610 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14611 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14612 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14618 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14621 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14622 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14625 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14628 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14629 it lacks is a decent editor
14632 The city that chose Astroturf to
14633 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14635 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
14637 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14639 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14642 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14644 Damn, I need a Coke!
14645 -- Dr. William DeVries
14646 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14648 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14651 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14653 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14656 The watchdog barkin'
14660 Slip in his window.
14662 Then his house I start to wreck
14667 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14668 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14670 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14671 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14674 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14675 -- Princess Leia Organa
14677 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14680 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14683 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14684 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14686 Data is not information;
14687 Information is not knowledge;
14688 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14691 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14692 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14694 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14696 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14697 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14698 * Hourly motel rates
14699 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14700 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14701 like some countries we could mention
14702 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14703 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14704 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14706 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14707 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14708 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14709 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14710 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14711 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14712 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14713 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14714 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14715 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14716 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14717 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14718 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14720 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14721 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14722 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14725 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14728 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14729 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14731 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14733 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14734 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14737 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14739 Dealing with failure is easy:
14740 Work hard to improve.
14741 Success is also easy to handle:
14742 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14744 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14745 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14749 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14753 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14754 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14755 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14756 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14757 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14758 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14759 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14760 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14762 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14765 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14766 summarize. What should I do?
14770 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14771 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14772 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14773 summarizing a vote.
14774 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14777 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14782 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14783 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14784 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14786 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14789 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14794 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14795 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14796 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14797 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14798 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14799 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14802 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14803 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14804 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14805 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14806 -- A Concerned Citizen
14809 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14810 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14811 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14812 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14813 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14815 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14816 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14817 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14818 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14819 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14820 they are always interested in good stories.
14823 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14824 to. How about an example?
14828 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14829 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14830 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14831 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14832 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14833 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14834 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14835 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14836 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14837 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14838 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14839 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14840 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14841 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14842 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14843 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14844 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14845 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14848 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14853 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14854 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14856 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14857 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14858 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14859 about the signature anyway.
14860 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14862 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14866 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14867 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14868 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14869 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14870 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14872 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14875 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14876 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14877 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14878 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14881 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14882 the other hand", again.
14884 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14888 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14889 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14890 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14893 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14894 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14895 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14896 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14899 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
14903 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
14907 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14908 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14909 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14910 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14911 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14912 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14913 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14916 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14917 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14918 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14919 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14920 before making your attack.
14922 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
14923 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
14924 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
14925 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
14926 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
14927 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
14928 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
14929 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
14930 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
14931 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
14935 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14937 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
14939 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
14940 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
14941 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
14942 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
14943 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
14944 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
14945 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14948 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
14953 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
14954 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
14955 posting it. All others please ignore."
14956 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
14957 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
14958 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
14959 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
14960 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
14961 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
14962 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
14963 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
14964 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
14965 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
14966 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
14967 so post it as many places as you can.
14968 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14970 Death before dishonor.
14971 But neither before breakfast.
14973 Death comes on every passing breeze,
14974 He lurks in every flower;
14975 Each season has its own disease,
14976 Its peril -- every hour.
14979 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
14981 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
14982 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
14985 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
14987 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
14990 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
14992 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
14994 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
14996 Death is only a state of mind.
14998 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15000 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15002 Death to all fanatics!
15005 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15007 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15009 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15010 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15012 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15015 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15016 erra, n: A mistake.
15017 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15018 Linder, n: A female name.
15019 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15020 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15021 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15022 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15023 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15024 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15025 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15026 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15028 Decision maker, n.:
15029 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15030 before the music stopped.
15032 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15033 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15034 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15035 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15036 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15037 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15039 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15040 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15042 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15043 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15046 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15047 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15048 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15049 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15053 The hardware's, of course.
15056 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15057 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15058 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15059 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15061 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15064 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15065 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15066 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15067 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15069 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15071 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15073 Hardware is what you kick;
15074 Software is what you curse.
15076 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15079 (cond ((null c) () )
15081 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15083 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15085 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15087 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15088 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15089 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15090 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15091 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15092 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15094 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15095 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15098 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15099 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15100 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15101 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15102 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15104 Delay is preferable to error.
15105 -- Thomas Jefferson
15107 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15108 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15110 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15111 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15113 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15114 referring to I/O system services.]
15116 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15117 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15118 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15119 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15120 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15121 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15122 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15123 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15124 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15125 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15127 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15128 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15129 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15131 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15134 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
15136 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15138 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15140 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15141 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15142 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15143 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15144 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15145 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15146 steroid-free fitness center.
15147 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
15149 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15150 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15151 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15153 Demand the establishment of the government
15154 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15156 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15157 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15159 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15160 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
15162 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15164 -- George Bernard Shaw
15166 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15167 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15170 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15171 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15172 -- George Bernard Shaw
15174 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15177 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15178 will get the blame.
15179 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
15181 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15182 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15185 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15186 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15188 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15189 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15191 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15192 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15195 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15196 deserve to get it good and hard.
15197 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15199 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15200 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15201 -- Winston Churchill
15204 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15205 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15206 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15207 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15208 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15209 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15210 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15211 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15215 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15218 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15219 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15220 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15221 -- Charles Bukowski
15223 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15224 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15226 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15227 The remainder is thrown out.
15229 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15231 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15232 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15234 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15235 windows by Democrats.
15236 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15238 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15239 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15241 Dental health is next to mental health.
15244 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15245 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15246 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15249 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
15251 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15253 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15255 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15257 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15258 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15261 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15263 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15264 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15267 What you regret not doing later on.
15269 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15270 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15272 Despising machines to a man,
15273 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15274 And ride out by night
15275 In a sheeting of white
15276 To lynch all the robots they can.
15277 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15279 Despite all appearances, your boss
15280 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15282 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15283 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15285 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15287 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15288 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15289 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15291 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15294 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15295 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15297 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15298 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15301 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15302 Some do, some don't.
15304 Did I say 2? I lied.
15306 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15307 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15309 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15310 has already been born?
15313 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15314 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15317 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15319 Did you hear about the model who sat
15320 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15322 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15323 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15325 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15327 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15332 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15333 only recaptured 116 of them?
15336 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15338 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15341 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15342 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15343 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15345 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15348 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15349 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15350 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15351 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15353 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15355 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15356 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15357 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15358 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15359 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15360 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15362 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15363 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15365 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15368 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15369 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15371 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15372 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15374 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15379 Did you know the University of Iowa
15380 closed down after someone stole the book?
15384 That no-one ever reads these things?
15386 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15387 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15388 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15389 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15392 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
15394 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15395 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15396 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15399 To stop sinning suddenly.
15402 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15403 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15405 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15407 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15409 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15412 Dignity is like a flag.
15413 It flaps in a storm.
15418 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15419 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15420 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15422 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15424 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15425 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15426 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15429 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15431 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15432 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15434 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15435 asked him, after a few days.
15436 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15438 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15439 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15440 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15442 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15445 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15448 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15454 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15458 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15459 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15462 As distinguished from some other bar.
15464 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15466 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15467 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15468 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15469 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15470 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15471 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15472 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15473 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15475 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15480 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15481 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15483 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15485 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15487 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15490 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15493 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15495 Disks travel in packs.
15497 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15498 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15500 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15501 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15504 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15507 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15508 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15510 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15511 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15512 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15514 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15515 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15516 -- Lord Chesterfield
15518 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15520 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15523 Do clones have navels?
15525 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15528 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15530 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15532 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15534 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15536 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
15538 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15540 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15543 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15544 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15545 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15546 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15547 of them ever committed suicide.
15548 -- Henry David Thoreau
15550 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15551 Their tastes may not be the same.
15552 -- George Bernard Shaw
15554 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15556 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15557 -- Robert A. Heinlein
15559 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15561 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15564 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15565 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15567 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15568 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15570 Do not overtax your powers.
15572 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15573 Violators will be prosecuted.
15574 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15576 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15577 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15578 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15580 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15582 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15584 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15586 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15587 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15590 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15592 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15594 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15596 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15598 Do not worry about which side your
15599 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15601 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15603 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15605 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15607 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15609 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15611 Do unto others before they undo you.
15613 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15615 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15616 -- Aleister Crowley
15618 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15619 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15621 Do you believe in intuition?
15622 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15624 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15625 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15626 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15627 Can you see your neck?
15628 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15629 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15630 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15631 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15634 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15636 Do you have lysdexia?
15638 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15640 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15641 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15642 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15643 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15644 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15645 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15649 Do you know Montana?
15651 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15652 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15655 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15656 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15659 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15660 between Nixon and the White House.
15661 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15663 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15664 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15666 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15667 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15669 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15670 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15672 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15673 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15675 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15677 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15678 just whipped out a quarter?
15681 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15682 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15684 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15685 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15686 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15687 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15688 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15689 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15691 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15692 Do they like to shake their tails?
15693 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15694 Is your garden full of snails?
15696 Do your part to help preserve life on
15697 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15699 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15700 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15701 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15704 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15707 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15708 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15711 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15712 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15714 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15715 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15716 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15717 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15718 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15720 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15722 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15724 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15725 and the rest of us.
15727 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15729 Doing gets it done.
15732 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15734 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15735 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15736 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15737 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15738 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
15739 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15740 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15742 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15744 Don't abandon hope.
15745 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15747 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15750 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15751 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15752 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15753 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15755 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15758 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15760 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15762 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15764 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15766 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15768 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15771 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15773 Don't confuse things that need action
15774 with those that take care of themselves.
15776 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15778 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15779 -- The Firesign Theatre
15781 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15783 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15786 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15787 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15789 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15791 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15792 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15794 Don't eat yellow snow.
15796 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15798 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15801 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15802 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15804 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15806 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15809 Don't get even, get odd.
15811 Don't get mad, get even.
15812 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15814 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15817 Don't get mad, get interest.
15819 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15821 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15822 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15825 Don't get to bragging.
15827 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15828 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15831 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15833 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15836 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15838 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15840 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15842 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15844 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15848 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15850 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15851 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15853 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15855 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15857 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15859 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15860 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15862 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15863 until you have hold of something else.
15864 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15866 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15867 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15868 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15869 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15870 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15871 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15872 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15874 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15876 Don't let your status become too quo!
15878 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15880 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15882 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15888 Your brains are in it.
15891 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15893 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15894 -- Scottish proverb
15896 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15898 Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
15899 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
15901 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15902 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15904 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15905 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15907 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15908 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15910 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15911 lock the door and throw away the key.
15913 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15915 Don't read everything you believe.
15917 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
15919 Don't remember what you can infer.
15922 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
15923 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
15925 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
15927 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
15928 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
15930 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
15932 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
15934 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
15936 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
15940 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
15942 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
15945 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
15948 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
15949 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
15951 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
15953 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
15956 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
15957 sodomy and the lash.
15958 -- Winston Churchill
15960 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
15962 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
15965 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
15968 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
15969 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
15970 -- Watchman Examiner
15972 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
15974 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
15977 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
15978 with my breakfast cereal.
15979 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
15981 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
15983 Don't wake me up too soon...
15984 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
15987 Don't worry. Life's too long.
15988 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
15990 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
15992 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
15994 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
15996 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
15997 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16000 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16001 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16004 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16007 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16008 you can always take something for it.
16010 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16011 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16013 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16015 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16017 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16018 want to help you could agree with each other?
16020 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16022 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16023 you through times of no dope.
16026 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
16027 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
16028 awful lot of talking, don't they?
16029 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
16033 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16034 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16035 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16036 Control and meta, side by side,
16037 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16038 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16040 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16041 Had a couple of bits more!
16042 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16044 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16045 OR'd together, outta sight!
16046 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16047 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16048 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16049 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16050 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16051 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16053 Double-blind Experiment, n.:
16054 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16055 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16056 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16058 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16061 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16062 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
16064 Down to the Banana Republics,
16065 Down to the tropical sun.
16066 Go the expatriated Americans,
16067 Hoping to find some fun.
16068 Some of them go for the sailing,
16069 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16070 Trying to find what is ailing,
16071 Living in the land of the free.
16072 Some of them are running from lovers,
16073 Leaving no forward address.
16074 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16075 Some are running from the IRS.
16076 Late at night you will find them,
16077 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16078 Hustling the senoritas,
16079 While they dance beneath the stars.
16080 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16082 Down with the categorical imperative!
16085 In a hierarchical organization,
16086 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16088 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16089 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16090 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16091 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16093 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16095 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16097 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16098 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16099 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16100 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16102 Here's how the diet works:
16105 First Month: One egg
16106 Second Month: A raisin
16107 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16109 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16110 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16112 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16115 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16117 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16118 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16119 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16121 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16123 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16125 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16127 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16128 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16129 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16131 Drilling for oil is boring.
16133 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16134 Love, the reeling midnight through
16135 For tomorrow we shall die!
16136 (But, alas, we never do.)
16137 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16139 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
16141 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16142 instant motor skills.
16145 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16148 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16149 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16152 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16153 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16154 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16156 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16158 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16159 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16160 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16163 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16164 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16165 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16166 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16167 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16172 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16175 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16179 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16182 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16184 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16189 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16190 yourself as part of the problem.
16192 Ducharme's Precept:
16193 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16197 Ducks? What ducks??
16199 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16200 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16203 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16204 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16206 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16207 fate and captain of your soul.
16209 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16212 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16214 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16215 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16216 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16217 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16220 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16221 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16223 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16225 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16226 perform as president?"
16227 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16230 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16231 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16232 and fly your colors proudly.
16234 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16235 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16236 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16239 What one expects from others.
16242 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16243 nothing whatever to do with it.
16244 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
16246 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16247 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
16249 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16256 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16258 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16261 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16262 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16263 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16264 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16265 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16266 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16267 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16268 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16269 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16270 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16271 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16272 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16273 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16274 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16275 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16276 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16278 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16279 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16281 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16282 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16283 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16284 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16286 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16289 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16290 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16291 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16295 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16296 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16298 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16302 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16303 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16304 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16306 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16308 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16309 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16310 21st century aircraft:
16312 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16313 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16314 pilot if he touches anything.
16315 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16317 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16318 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16320 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16321 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16324 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16326 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16328 /earth: file system full.
16330 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16332 Earth is a beta site.
16334 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
16337 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16338 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16339 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16340 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16341 means the puzzle is solved.
16342 -- Steve Rubenstein
16344 Easy come and easy go,
16345 some call me easy money,
16346 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16347 and sometimes it ain't funny
16348 You may think that I'm a fool
16349 and sometimes that is true,
16350 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16351 with or without you.
16354 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16355 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16357 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16359 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
16361 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16363 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16365 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16366 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16368 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16370 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16372 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16374 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16376 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16377 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16380 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
16381 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16383 Economies of scale:
16384 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16385 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16386 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16387 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16388 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16392 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16393 personality to become an accountant.
16395 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16396 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16399 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16400 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16401 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16403 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16406 Editing is a rewording activity.
16408 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16409 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16410 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16412 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16413 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16414 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16416 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16417 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16419 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16422 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16425 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16426 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16427 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16428 royal-blue chickens.
16429 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16431 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16432 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
16434 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16435 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
16437 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16438 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16439 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16440 the "nog" comes from.
16442 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
16445 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16447 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16448 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16451 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16454 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16457 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16460 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16462 Ehrman's Commentary:
16463 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
16464 (2) Who said things would get better?
16466 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16467 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16470 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16471 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16473 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
16475 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16476 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16479 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16480 armrest in a movie theatre.
16481 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16484 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16486 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16487 make the machine do some more.
16490 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16491 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16494 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16496 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16500 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16501 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16502 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16503 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16507 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16508 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16509 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16511 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16513 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16514 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16515 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16516 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16517 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16518 the faint of heart.
16519 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16520 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16523 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16524 children under eight years of age.
16526 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16529 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16531 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16535 A mouse built to government specifications.
16537 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16539 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16540 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16541 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16542 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16543 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16544 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16545 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16546 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16548 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16549 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16550 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16551 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16552 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16554 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16557 The feel of a kiss.
16559 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16561 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16562 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16565 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16567 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
16568 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16569 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16572 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16573 Son knows everything.
16575 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16576 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16577 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16578 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16580 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16581 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16582 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16584 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16586 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16587 And here, find rest.
16589 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16590 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16591 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16592 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16594 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16595 Science: "Why will this work?"
16596 Management: "When will this work?"
16597 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16599 English literature's performing flea.
16600 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16603 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16604 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16605 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16606 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16607 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16608 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16609 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16610 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16611 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16612 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16614 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16615 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16618 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16620 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16622 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16625 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16626 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16628 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16630 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16633 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16637 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16638 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16640 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16641 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16645 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16646 something his wife can beat him at.
16648 Equal bytes for women.
16650 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16651 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16653 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16654 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16656 Error in operator: add beer
16658 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16659 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16660 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16661 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16663 "Through the Looking-Glass,
16664 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
16666 Eschew obfuscation.
16668 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16669 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16671 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16673 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16676 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16679 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16680 fashion for those with no taste.
16683 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16684 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16685 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16686 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16690 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
16691 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16692 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
16694 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16695 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16696 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16697 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16698 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16699 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16700 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16701 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16702 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16703 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16704 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16706 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16711 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16713 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16715 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16717 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16718 And says his prayers at night
16719 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16720 And the moon is full and bright.
16721 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16723 Even God cannot change the past.
16726 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16729 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16730 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16733 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16736 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16739 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16740 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16741 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16742 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16743 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16744 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16745 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16746 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16747 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16748 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16749 A fairer summer and a later fall
16750 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16751 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16752 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16753 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16754 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16756 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16758 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16759 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16761 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16762 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16765 Events are not affected, they develop.
16768 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16770 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16771 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16773 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16774 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16777 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16778 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16780 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16781 Simple coincidence?
16784 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16785 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16786 We're big but bigger we will be,
16787 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16789 Our products now are known in every zone.
16790 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16791 We've fought our way thru
16792 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16793 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16794 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16796 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16797 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16798 Right here and now we thankfully
16799 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16800 To the corporation that's the best of all
16801 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16802 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16803 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16804 Once or twice, then sing again
16805 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16806 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16808 Ever since I was a young boy,
16809 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16810 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16811 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16812 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16813 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16814 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16815 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16816 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16817 Sure sends a mean packet.
16818 He's a UNIX wizard,
16819 There has to be a twist.
16820 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16821 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16822 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16823 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16824 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16825 The proper bit flags set,
16826 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16827 Sure sends a mean packet.
16830 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16831 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16832 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16833 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16834 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16835 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16836 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16837 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16839 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16841 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16843 Because newspapers are read too.
16844 Two and Two is four.
16845 Four and four is eight.
16846 Eight and four is twelve.
16847 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16848 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16849 Queen Mary was a ship.
16850 Ships sail the sea.
16851 There are fishes in the sea.
16853 The Fins fought the Russians.
16855 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16856 Therefore fire engines are red.
16858 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16859 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16860 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16861 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
16862 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16863 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16864 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16865 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16866 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16867 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16868 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16869 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16870 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16871 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16872 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16874 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16875 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16877 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16881 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16883 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16884 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16886 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16887 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16889 Every country has the government it deserves.
16890 -- Joseph De Maistre
16892 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16894 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
16896 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16899 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16901 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
16902 woman and stop her.
16904 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
16905 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
16906 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
16907 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
16908 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
16909 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
16911 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16912 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16913 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16914 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16915 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
16916 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
16917 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16918 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
16920 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
16922 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
16923 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
16924 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
16925 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
16926 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
16927 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
16928 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
16929 color"], that does not exist.
16931 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
16932 -- Frank Moore Colby
16934 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
16936 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
16939 Every love's the love before
16941 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
16943 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
16945 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
16946 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
16947 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
16948 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
16949 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
16950 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
16951 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
16952 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
16953 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
16954 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
16955 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
16957 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
16958 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16960 Every man takes the limits of his own field
16961 of vision for the limits of the world.
16964 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
16965 and powerful know that he is.
16966 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
16968 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
16969 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
16970 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
16971 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
16972 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
16973 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
16974 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
16976 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
16977 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
16980 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
16981 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
16984 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
16985 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
16986 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
16987 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
16988 up, you'd better be running.
16990 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
16992 Every night my prayers I say,
16993 And get my dinner every day;
16994 And every day that I've been good,
16995 I get an orange after food.
16996 The child that is not clean and neat,
16997 With lots of toys and things to eat,
16998 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
16999 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17000 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17002 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17004 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17006 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
17007 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
17008 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
17009 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
17010 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
17012 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17013 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17016 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17017 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17018 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
17019 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17021 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17022 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17023 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17026 Every path has its puddle.
17028 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17029 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17030 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17032 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17033 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17034 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17036 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17037 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17039 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17041 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17043 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17044 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17046 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17047 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17050 Every solution breeds new problems.
17052 Every successful person has had failures
17053 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17055 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17058 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17060 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17062 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17064 Every time you manage to close the door on
17065 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17067 Every why hath a wherefore.
17068 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17070 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17073 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17077 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17078 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17079 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17080 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17081 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17082 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17083 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17084 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17085 you're fired. As of right now."
17086 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17087 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17088 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17089 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17092 Everybody has something to conceal.
17095 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17096 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17098 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17099 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
17101 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17102 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17103 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17104 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17106 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17107 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17110 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17111 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17113 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17114 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17115 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17116 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17118 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17119 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17120 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17121 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17122 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17124 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17127 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17128 stop hacking and fall in love!
17130 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17132 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17133 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17135 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
17137 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17139 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17142 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17144 Everyone is in the best seat.
17147 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17150 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17151 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17152 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17153 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
17154 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17155 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17156 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17157 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17158 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17160 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17162 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
17164 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17168 Everyone was born right-handed.
17169 Only the greatest overcome it.
17171 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17172 1. They want it quick.
17173 2. They want it good.
17174 3. They want it cheap.
17175 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17176 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17178 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17180 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17182 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17184 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17186 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17187 -- Alexander Woollcott
17189 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17190 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17192 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17193 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17195 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17196 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17198 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17199 that a belch is more satisfying.
17202 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17203 something you know.
17204 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17205 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17207 Everything might be different in the present
17208 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17210 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17211 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17213 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17215 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17218 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17221 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17222 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17224 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17226 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17228 Everything you know is wrong!
17230 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17231 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17234 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17235 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17236 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17237 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17239 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17241 Everything's great in this good old world;
17242 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17243 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17244 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17245 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17246 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17247 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17248 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17249 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17251 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17252 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17253 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17254 -- Flannery O'Connor
17256 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17257 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17258 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17260 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17262 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17263 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17266 Evolution is a million line computer
17267 program falling into place by accident.
17269 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17270 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17271 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17272 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17273 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17274 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17275 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17276 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
17278 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17279 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17282 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17283 It is the only thing.
17284 -- Albert Schweitzer
17286 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17287 Spike the office water cooler.
17289 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17291 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17293 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17295 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17298 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17299 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17301 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17302 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17304 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17307 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17308 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17309 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17311 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17312 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17313 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17315 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
17317 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17319 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17322 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17326 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17328 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17330 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17331 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17333 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17335 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17337 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17339 Expedience is the best teacher.
17341 Expense accounts, n.:
17342 Corporate food stamps.
17344 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17345 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17347 Experience is not what happens to you;
17348 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17351 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17352 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17355 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17356 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17358 Experience is what causes a person
17359 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17361 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17363 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17364 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17365 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17367 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17370 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17374 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17376 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17378 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17379 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17380 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17381 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17382 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17383 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17384 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17385 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17386 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17387 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17388 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17389 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17390 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17391 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17393 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17394 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17395 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17396 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17397 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17398 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17399 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17400 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17401 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17402 offer more plausible alternatives.
17403 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17404 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17406 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17407 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17409 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17410 of justice is no virtue.
17413 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17414 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17415 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17416 On the poison they're exuding.
17417 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17419 F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
17420 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
17422 "Yes. They have more money."
17424 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17426 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17428 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17430 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17432 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17434 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17437 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17439 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17442 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17445 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17446 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17447 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17448 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17449 doesn't even shout at me."
17450 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17451 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17452 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17453 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17454 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17455 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17456 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17457 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17458 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17459 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17460 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17461 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17463 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17465 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17466 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17469 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17471 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17473 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17474 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17475 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17476 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17478 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17479 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17481 Faith is under the left nipple.
17485 That quality which enables us to
17486 believe what we know to be untrue.
17489 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17490 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17491 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17494 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17495 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17496 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17497 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17498 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17499 good idea to check with your doctor.
17502 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17503 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17505 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17507 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17509 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17510 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17513 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17514 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17517 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17519 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17521 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17524 Families, when a child is born
17525 Want it to be intelligent.
17526 I, through intelligence,
17527 Having wrecked my whole life,
17528 Only hope the baby will prove
17529 Ignorant and stupid.
17530 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17531 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17535 Conspicuously miserable.
17536 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17541 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17542 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17543 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17544 4: We won't need reservations.
17545 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17546 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17547 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17548 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17550 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17551 forgotten your aim.
17552 -- George Santayana
17554 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17555 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17557 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17558 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17559 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17560 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17561 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17562 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17563 was the Empire forged.
17564 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17566 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17568 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17569 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17570 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17571 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17572 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17573 are a pretty neat idea ...
17574 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17576 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17577 stressful than divorce.
17578 -- Wall Street Journal
17580 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17581 it every six months.
17584 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17587 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17589 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17592 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17595 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17597 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17599 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17600 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17602 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17604 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17605 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17606 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17609 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17611 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17612 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17614 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17618 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17619 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17620 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17621 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17622 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17624 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17625 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17628 Feel disillusioned?
17629 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17631 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17634 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17635 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
17636 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17637 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17638 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17639 A singular development of cat communications
17640 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17641 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17642 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17643 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17644 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17645 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17646 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17647 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17648 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17649 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17650 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17652 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17653 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17654 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17655 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
17656 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17657 yours to the bottom of the list.
17659 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17660 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17661 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17662 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17663 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17664 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17665 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17667 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17670 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17673 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17674 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17675 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17677 Ferguson's Precept:
17678 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17680 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17681 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17683 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17684 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17685 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17686 basic difference between robots and humans?
17687 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17688 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17689 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17691 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17695 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17697 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17698 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17699 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17700 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17701 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17703 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17704 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17706 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17708 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17709 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17710 there is nothing important to do.
17712 Fifty flippant frogs
17713 Walked by on flippered feet
17714 And with their slime they made the time
17717 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17721 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17724 Throwing your wait around.
17726 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17727 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17730 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17732 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17733 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17735 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17736 No matter what results are expected,
17737 someone is always willing to fake it.
17739 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17740 No matter what the result someone
17741 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17743 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17744 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17745 it happened according to his pet theory.
17747 Finagle's First Law:
17748 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17750 Finagle's Second Law:
17751 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17753 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17754 Once a job is fouled up,
17755 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17757 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17758 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17760 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17761 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17763 Finagle's Second Law:
17764 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17765 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17766 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17768 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17769 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17771 Finagle's Third Law:
17772 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17773 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17776 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17777 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17778 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17781 Perfection is finality.
17782 Nothing is perfect.
17783 There are lumps in it.
17785 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17787 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17789 Fine day for friends.
17792 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17794 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17797 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17799 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17801 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17803 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17806 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17809 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17811 First, a few words about tools.
17813 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17814 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17815 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17816 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17817 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17818 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17819 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17821 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17822 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17825 First Law of Bicycling:
17826 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17828 First law of debate:
17829 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17831 First Law of Procrastination:
17832 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17833 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17834 imposed the deadline).
17836 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17837 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17839 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17840 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17841 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17843 First Rule of History:
17844 History doesn't repeat itself --
17845 historians merely repeat each other.
17847 First rule of public speaking.
17848 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17850 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17852 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17853 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17855 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17856 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17857 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17858 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17859 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17860 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17861 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17862 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17863 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17864 another phone booth.
17865 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17866 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17867 released it, too, in the scrub.
17868 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17869 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17870 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17871 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17872 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17874 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17876 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
17877 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
17879 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17880 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17881 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17882 trees to prove their manhood.
17886 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17887 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17889 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17892 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17895 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
17898 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
17899 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
17900 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
17901 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
17902 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
17903 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
17904 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17905 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
17906 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
17907 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
17908 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
17909 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
17910 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
17911 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
17912 Yes, and goin' insane,
17913 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
17914 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17916 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
17918 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
17919 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
17920 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
17921 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
17922 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
17923 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
17924 Irish Political History".
17926 Five rules for eternal misery:
17927 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
17928 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
17929 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
17930 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
17931 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
17932 how much better things might have been or how much worse
17933 things might become).
17934 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
17935 follow the first four rules.
17941 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
17942 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17944 Flappity, floppity, flip
17945 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
17946 The strip revolved,
17947 The mouse dissolved
17948 In a chronodimensional skip.
17951 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
17952 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
17954 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
17957 Flattery will get you everywhere.
17959 Flee at once, all is discovered.
17961 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
17965 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
17966 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
17968 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
17969 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
17972 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
17973 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
17975 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
17976 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
17978 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
17979 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
17982 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
17983 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
17984 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
17985 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
17986 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
17988 Flowchart, n. & v.:
17989 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
17990 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
17991 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
17992 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
17993 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
17994 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
17995 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
17996 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
17997 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
17998 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
17999 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18000 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18003 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18004 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18006 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18008 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18009 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18011 Flying saucers on occasion
18012 Show themselves to human eyes.
18013 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18014 While they brand these tales as lies.
18017 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18018 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18019 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18021 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18022 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
18023 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18024 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18026 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18027 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
18029 Foolproof Operation:
18030 No provision for adjustment.
18032 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18034 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18035 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18037 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18038 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18039 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18041 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
18044 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18046 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18048 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18050 For a light heart lives long.
18051 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18053 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18056 For adult education nothing beats children.
18058 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18059 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18060 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18061 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18062 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18063 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18064 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18065 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18067 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
18069 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18070 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18072 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18075 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18077 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18078 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18080 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18081 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18084 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18088 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18091 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18092 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18095 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18096 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18097 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18098 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18099 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18100 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18101 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18102 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18104 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18106 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18110 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18119 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18121 For good, return good.
18122 For evil, return justice.
18124 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18125 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18127 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18128 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18129 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18131 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18132 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18133 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18134 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18135 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18136 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18137 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18140 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18142 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18143 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18146 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18147 get themselves filed.
18150 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18151 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18154 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18155 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18156 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18157 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18158 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18159 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18160 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18161 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18162 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18163 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18164 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18165 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18167 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18168 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18169 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18170 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18171 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18173 For people who like that kind of book,
18174 that is the kind of book they will like.
18176 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18177 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18178 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18181 Parachute. Used once.
18182 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18184 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18185 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18186 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18188 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18190 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18191 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18192 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18195 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18196 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18198 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18200 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18201 referring to system overview.]
18204 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18205 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18208 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18210 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18211 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18213 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18214 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18215 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18217 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18218 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18220 For they starve the frightened little child
18221 Till it weeps both night and day:
18222 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18223 And gibe the old and grey,
18224 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18225 And none a word may say.
18227 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18228 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18229 And the fetid breath of living Death
18230 Chokes up each grated screen,
18231 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18232 In Humanity's machine.
18234 And all men kill the thing they love,
18235 By all let this be heard,
18236 Some do it with a bitter look,
18237 Some with a flattering word,
18238 The coward does it with a kiss,
18239 The brave man with a sword.
18242 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18243 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18244 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18245 spend my evenings?"
18248 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18249 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18250 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18253 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18254 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18256 8 oz. shredded suet
18258 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18260 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18261 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18262 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18263 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18264 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18265 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18266 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18267 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18268 four to five hours.
18270 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18273 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18274 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18277 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18278 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18279 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18281 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18283 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
18284 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18285 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18286 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18287 -- Justin Richardson
18289 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18291 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18294 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18295 "That definition's just."
18296 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18297 Remembering his pounded head:
18298 "Force is not might but must!"
18301 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18302 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18304 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18307 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18308 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18310 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18313 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18314 their destitution of conscience.
18316 Forgive and forget.
18320 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18321 -- George Bernard Shaw
18323 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18324 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18327 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18330 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18332 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18336 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18337 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18339 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18341 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18342 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18345 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18348 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18351 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18352 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18353 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18354 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18356 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18357 probably for at least the next decade.
18360 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18362 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18363 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18364 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18365 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18366 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18367 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18368 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18369 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18370 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18373 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18376 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18378 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18379 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18380 my dissertation to rhyme.
18382 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18385 A: No, He's a mythter.
18387 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18389 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18391 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18394 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18395 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18396 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18399 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18400 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18401 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18402 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18406 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18407 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18410 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18413 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18414 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18416 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18417 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18418 she will get on with her life.
18419 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18420 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18421 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18422 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18423 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18424 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18425 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18426 these classes rarely prove effective.
18428 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18431 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18432 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18433 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18436 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18437 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18438 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18439 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18440 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18441 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18442 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18443 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18445 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18448 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18449 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18450 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18451 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18454 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18455 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18456 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18457 fixed without special tools".
18458 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18459 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18460 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18463 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18466 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18467 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18470 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18471 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18472 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18473 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18474 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18475 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18476 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18478 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18481 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18482 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18483 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18484 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18485 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18486 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18487 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18488 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18492 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18493 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18494 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18495 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18496 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18497 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18498 price their policies accordingly.
18499 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18500 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18503 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18506 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18507 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18508 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18509 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18512 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18513 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18514 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18515 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18516 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18517 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18519 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18522 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18523 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18524 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18525 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18528 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18529 looking, men kick cats.
18532 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18533 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18534 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18535 aware of some short people living in the house.
18537 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18540 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18541 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18542 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18543 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18544 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18545 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18548 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18549 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18550 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18551 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18554 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18555 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18556 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18558 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18561 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18562 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18563 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18564 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18565 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18566 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
18568 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18571 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18572 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18573 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18574 Boardwalk property.
18576 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18578 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18580 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18581 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18582 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18583 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18584 With Julie Christie.
18586 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18588 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18589 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18590 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18593 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18596 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18597 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18598 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18599 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18600 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18602 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18604 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18605 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18606 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18607 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18608 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18609 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18610 a glowing performance.
18612 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18614 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18615 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18616 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18617 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18619 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18621 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18622 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18623 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18624 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18625 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18628 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18630 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18631 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18632 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18633 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18635 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18636 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18637 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18638 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18639 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18641 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18643 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18645 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18646 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18647 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18649 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18651 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18652 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18653 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18654 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18655 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18656 as that in support of an affirmative.
18657 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18659 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18661 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18662 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18663 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18666 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18668 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18669 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18670 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18671 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18672 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18673 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18674 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18676 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18678 Skilled oral communicator:
18679 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18680 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18682 Skilled written communicator:
18683 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18684 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18687 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18688 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18689 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18691 Key company figure:
18692 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18694 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18697 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18698 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18700 An excellent sounding board:
18701 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18702 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18704 A planner and organizer:
18705 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18706 animal tags on his clothing.
18708 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18710 Has management potential:
18711 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18712 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18716 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18720 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18724 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18727 Fortune favors the lucky.
18729 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18731 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18733 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18735 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18736 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18737 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18739 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18741 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18742 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18743 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18745 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18747 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18750 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18752 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18755 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18757 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18759 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18761 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18762 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18764 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18766 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18768 fortune: No such file or directory
18773 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18775 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18776 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18777 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18778 renkontas. I've met.
18779 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18780 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18781 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18782 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18785 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18787 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18788 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18789 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18790 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18791 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18792 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18795 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18797 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18799 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18800 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18801 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18802 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18803 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18805 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18807 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18808 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18809 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18810 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18812 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18814 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18815 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18817 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18819 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18820 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18822 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18824 A: To be or not to be.
18825 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18827 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18829 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18830 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18832 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18834 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18835 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18837 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18839 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18840 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18842 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18844 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18845 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18847 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18849 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18850 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18852 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18854 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18855 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18857 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18861 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18862 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18863 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18864 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18866 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18867 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18868 make "heads or tails of all this"
18871 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18872 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18874 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18875 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18877 Oh, and have a nice day!
18878 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18880 Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18882 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18883 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18886 Fortune's current rates:
18890 Answers requiring thought .50
18891 Correct answers $1.00
18893 Dumb looks are still free.
18895 Fortune's diet truths:
18896 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
18897 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
18898 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
18899 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
18900 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
18901 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
18902 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
18903 appealing as tepid beer.
18904 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
18905 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
18906 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
18908 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
18909 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
18910 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
18911 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
18914 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
18916 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
18917 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
18918 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
18919 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
18920 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
18921 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
18922 you twitter around in your chair.
18923 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
18924 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
18925 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
18926 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
18927 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
18928 followed by one throw-up.
18929 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
18931 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
18934 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
18935 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
18936 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
18937 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
18938 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
18940 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
18941 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
18942 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
18943 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
18944 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
18945 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
18946 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
18947 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
18948 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
18949 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
18950 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
18951 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
18952 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
18953 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
18954 poothtick comes out crean.
18956 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
18957 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
18959 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
18960 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
18961 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
18962 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
18963 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
18964 rather than a spotted one.
18965 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
18966 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
18967 legume-part of the pea family.
18968 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
18970 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
18971 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
18972 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
18974 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
18975 Can you name the seven seas?
18976 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
18977 North Pacific, South Pacific.
18978 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
18979 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
18981 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
18982 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
18984 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
18986 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
18987 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
18988 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
18990 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
18991 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
18992 at least once a year.
18994 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
18996 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
18997 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
18999 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19000 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19001 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19002 ability in that particular field."
19004 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19006 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19007 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19009 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19010 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19012 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19013 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19014 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19015 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19017 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19019 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19020 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19022 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19024 Don't Write On Walls!
19028 You want I should type?
19030 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19033 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19034 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19036 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19038 if reality disappears?
19039 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19040 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19042 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19043 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19044 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19045 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19046 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19047 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19048 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19049 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19051 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19053 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19054 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19055 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19056 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19058 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19059 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19060 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19061 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19064 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19065 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19066 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19067 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19068 charges may have been reversed.
19070 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19072 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19073 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19074 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19075 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19076 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19077 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19078 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19080 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19081 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19082 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19083 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19084 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19085 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19086 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19088 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19090 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19092 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19093 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19094 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19095 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19096 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19097 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19098 single poem ever written."
19100 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19101 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19102 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19103 bungling and greed of President
19106 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19107 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19109 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19110 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19111 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19112 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19113 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19114 apply to female horses.
19116 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19117 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19118 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19119 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19120 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19122 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19123 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19124 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19125 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19126 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19127 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19129 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19130 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19132 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19134 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19136 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19138 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19139 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19140 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19141 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19143 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19145 Q: Are you married?
19146 A: No, I'm divorced.
19147 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19148 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19150 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19152 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19153 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19155 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19157 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19158 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19161 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19163 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19164 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19165 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19167 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19169 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19171 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19173 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19174 A: Picking them up in the air.
19175 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19176 A: Attached to the ears.
19178 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19180 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19181 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19182 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19183 him to the station?
19184 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19186 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19188 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19190 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19192 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19194 Q: What is your name?
19195 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19196 Q: And what is your marital status?
19199 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19201 Q: What happened then?
19202 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19204 Q: Did he kill you?
19207 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19209 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19210 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19211 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19212 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19213 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19214 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19215 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19216 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19217 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19218 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19219 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19221 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19222 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19223 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19225 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19227 Never goose a wolverine.
19229 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19231 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19233 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19235 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19236 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19238 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19239 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19241 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19242 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19244 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19245 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19246 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
19248 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19249 tombstones, women and competitors.
19250 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
19252 Four hours to bury the cat?
19253 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19255 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19256 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19257 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19258 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19260 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19261 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19262 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19265 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19266 study for that instructor's course.
19268 Fourth Law of Revision:
19269 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19270 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19273 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19274 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19277 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19280 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19283 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19284 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19286 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
19287 -- A Yippie proverb
19289 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19291 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19293 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19295 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19299 Did you know that successive security officers take
19300 control by beheading their predecessor?
19303 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19305 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19307 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19310 Freedom is slavery.
19311 Ignorance is strength.
19315 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19317 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19318 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19320 Fremen add life to spice!
19322 Fresco's Discovery:
19323 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19325 Friction is a drag.
19328 Increased automation of clerical function
19329 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19331 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19335 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19337 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19339 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19340 Let me clue you in;
19341 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19342 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19343 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19344 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19345 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19346 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19347 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19348 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19349 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19351 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19353 -- Honore de Balzac
19355 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19356 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19360 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19361 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19362 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19363 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19364 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19365 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19366 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19367 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19368 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19369 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19371 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19372 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19373 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19374 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19375 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19376 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19377 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19378 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19380 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19381 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19383 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19384 That is the point that must be reached.
19387 From a Tru64 patch description:
19389 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19391 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19392 Association, in Rome]:
19394 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19395 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19396 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19397 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19398 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19399 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19400 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19401 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19402 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19404 From Italian tourist guide:
19406 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19407 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19409 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19411 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19414 From the crystal swirling waters,
19416 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19417 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19418 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19419 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19420 Your butt is on the menu
19421 And the check is in the mail.
19422 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19424 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19425 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19426 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19428 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19431 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19432 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19433 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19434 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19435 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19436 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19437 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19439 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19440 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19441 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19443 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19445 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19446 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19447 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19448 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19449 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19450 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19451 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19453 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19455 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19456 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19457 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19458 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19459 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19461 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19462 systems program at JPL
19464 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19465 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19466 experience in sound:
19468 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19469 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19471 From too much love of living,
19472 From hope and fear set free,
19473 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19474 Whatever gods may be,
19475 That no life lives forever,
19476 That dead men rise up never,
19477 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19481 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19484 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19485 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19488 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19489 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19490 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19493 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19494 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19497 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19498 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19499 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19504 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19507 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19508 even when you are the only person in line.
19509 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19511 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19514 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19515 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19517 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19519 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19520 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
19522 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19523 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19524 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19525 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19526 that's your chance, my boy."
19528 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19531 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19532 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19533 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19535 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19538 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19539 stockings and desolating the country.
19540 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19542 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19543 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19544 -- Adventures of Asterix
19546 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19548 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19549 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19550 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19552 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19553 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19554 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19555 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19556 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19557 individuals and then grow ...
19558 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19559 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19560 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19561 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19562 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19563 think not, my friend, I think not.
19564 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19566 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19567 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19568 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19569 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19570 in it today, either.
19572 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19573 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
19574 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
19575 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
19578 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19579 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19580 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19581 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19582 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19585 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19586 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19588 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19591 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19592 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19593 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19595 General notions are generally wrong.
19596 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19598 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19599 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19601 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19605 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19607 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19608 and if you don't, why you should.
19611 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19612 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19613 all the right things to all the right people.
19615 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19618 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19619 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19624 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19626 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19628 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19632 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19636 Why he stays in the bottle.
19639 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19640 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19641 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19642 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19643 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19644 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19645 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19646 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19647 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19648 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19649 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19650 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19651 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19652 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19653 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19654 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19655 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19656 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19657 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19658 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19659 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19660 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19661 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19662 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19665 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19666 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19667 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19670 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19673 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19674 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19675 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19677 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19678 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19679 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19681 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19682 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19684 George Orwell was an optimist.
19686 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19687 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19690 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19691 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19692 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19693 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19694 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19695 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19696 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19697 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19698 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19699 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19700 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19701 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19702 gonna get on Labor Day."
19704 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19705 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19706 "And he didn't understand me."
19708 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19709 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19710 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19711 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19712 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19713 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19715 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19717 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19720 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19722 Getting into trouble is easy.
19723 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19725 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19726 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19727 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19728 of the American Bar Association
19730 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19733 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19735 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19737 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19739 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19740 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19741 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19742 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19744 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19745 See them flying through the air (...)
19746 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19747 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19749 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19750 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19751 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19752 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19754 Gilbert's Discovery:
19755 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19756 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19758 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19759 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19760 the last whose realm was fair and free
19761 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19763 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19764 his shining helm afar was seen;
19765 the countless stars of heaven's field
19766 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19768 But long ago he rode away,
19769 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19770 for into darkness fell his star
19771 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19775 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19777 2. You can't break even.
19778 3. You can't even quit the game.
19780 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19781 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19782 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19785 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19786 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19787 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19790 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19791 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19793 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19795 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19796 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19798 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19799 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19802 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19803 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19805 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19807 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19808 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19810 Give him an evasive answer.
19812 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19813 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19815 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19816 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19818 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19820 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19823 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19826 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19828 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19829 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19830 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19831 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19834 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19835 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19836 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19837 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19838 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19839 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19841 Give thought to your reputation.
19842 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19846 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19848 Give your very best today.
19849 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19851 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19852 -- William Faulkner
19854 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19855 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19858 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19860 Given sufficient time, what you put
19861 off doing today will get done by itself.
19863 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19864 rather lie around. No contest.
19867 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19868 car keys to teenage boys.
19871 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19872 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19873 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19874 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19877 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
19878 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
19880 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
19881 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
19882 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
19883 some useful work done.
19885 Gloffing is a state of mine.
19887 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
19888 fifth of dry red wine
19890 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
19894 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
19895 a few pieces of dried orange peel
19897 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
19898 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
19899 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
19900 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
19901 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
19902 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
19903 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
19904 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
19905 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
19909 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
19911 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19913 Go ahead, make my day.
19914 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
19916 Go away, I'm all right.
19917 -- H. G. Wells' last words
19919 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
19920 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
19924 Go climb a gravity well.
19926 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
19928 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
19929 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
19931 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
19932 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
19934 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
19935 be in owning a piece thereof.
19936 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
19938 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
19939 but quickly to their misfortunes.
19942 Go to a movie tonight.
19943 Darkness becomes you.
19945 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
19949 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
19950 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
19951 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
19954 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
19955 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
19956 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
19957 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
19960 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
19962 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
19966 Darwin's chief rival.
19968 God created a few perfect heads.
19969 The rest he covered with hair.
19972 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
19973 but many other things ceased as well.
19974 Woman was God's second mistake.
19975 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
19977 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
19978 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
19980 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
19981 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
19984 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
19986 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
19987 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
19988 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
19989 would he lie about a thing like that?
19990 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19992 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
19994 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
19995 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
19997 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
19998 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
19999 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20000 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20001 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20002 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20003 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20004 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20006 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20007 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20008 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20010 God help those who do not help themselves.
20013 God helps them that helps themselves.
20014 -- Benjamin Franklin
20016 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20018 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20019 but by pains and contradictions.
20022 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20024 God is a polytheist.
20033 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20036 God is love, but get it in writing.
20039 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20040 much less ambitious project.
20042 God is real, unless declared integer.
20044 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20045 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20049 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20052 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20054 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20057 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20059 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20062 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20064 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
20067 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20069 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
20071 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20072 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20073 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20074 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20075 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20076 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20079 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20080 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20081 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20082 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20083 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20084 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20087 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20088 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20089 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20090 Won't ruin your whole day.
20091 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20093 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20095 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20096 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20099 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20101 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20103 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20107 God votes Republican.
20109 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20113 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20114 somebody moves the ends.
20116 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20118 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20119 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20122 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20123 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20124 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20125 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20126 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20128 Goldenstern's Rules:
20129 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20130 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20132 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20133 eating before he bursts.
20136 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20139 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20140 (2) Time accelerates.
20141 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20143 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20144 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20146 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20148 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20151 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20153 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20154 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20156 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20158 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20161 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20163 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20165 Good advice is something a man gives
20166 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20167 -- La Rochefoucauld
20169 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20171 Good day for business affairs.
20172 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20174 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20176 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20178 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20180 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20181 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20183 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20185 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20186 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20187 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20188 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20190 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20192 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20193 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20194 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20195 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20196 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20198 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20200 Good judgment comes from experience.
20201 Experience comes from bad judgment.
20204 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20206 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20207 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20208 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20210 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20212 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20214 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20216 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20218 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20220 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20223 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20226 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20229 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20230 -- George Saunders' dying words
20232 Goodbye, cool world.
20234 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20235 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20236 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20237 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20238 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20239 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20240 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20241 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20243 Gordon's first law:
20244 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20248 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20250 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20251 time travel, you never can tell.
20252 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
20255 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20258 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20260 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20261 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20265 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20267 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20268 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20269 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20270 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20272 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20273 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20274 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20275 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20277 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20278 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20279 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20280 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20282 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20283 Everybody wants to have a home.
20284 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20285 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20286 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20289 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20292 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20293 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20297 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20298 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20299 leaving the best part.
20301 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20304 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20305 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20307 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20310 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20311 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20313 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20316 There is an exception to all laws.
20318 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20319 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20321 -- Princess Leia Organa
20324 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20326 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20328 Graduate students and most professors are
20329 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20331 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20333 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20334 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20335 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20337 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20338 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20340 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20342 Graphics blind the eyes.
20343 Audio files deafen the ear.
20344 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20345 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20346 Options wither the heart.
20348 The Guru observes the net
20349 but trusts his inner vision.
20350 He allows things to come and go.
20351 His heart is as open as the ether.
20354 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20356 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20360 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20362 Gravity brings me down.
20364 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20366 Gray's Law of Programming:
20367 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20368 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20370 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20371 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20373 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20376 Great American Axiom:
20377 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20379 Great minds run in great circles.
20381 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20383 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20384 place of residence.
20386 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20388 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20390 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20392 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20394 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20397 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20398 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20401 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20403 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20404 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20407 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20409 Green's Law of Debate:
20410 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20412 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20413 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20414 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20415 of half of Common Lisp.
20418 Eighty percent of all people consider
20419 themselves to be above average drivers.
20421 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20423 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20424 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20428 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20430 Grig (the navigator):
20431 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20435 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20437 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20438 Grig: That's the spirit!
20439 -- The Last Starfighter
20441 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20442 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20444 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20445 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20448 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20449 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20450 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20451 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20452 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20453 maybe, but not in the House."
20455 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
20456 -- Maurice Chevalier
20458 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
20459 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
20460 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
20461 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
20462 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
20463 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
20464 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
20465 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
20466 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
20467 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
20468 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
20469 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
20470 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20473 Grub first, then ethics.
20477 A French chopping center.
20480 The probability of a given event
20481 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20483 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20485 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20486 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20487 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20488 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20489 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20492 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20493 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20494 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20497 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20498 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20499 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20502 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20505 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20506 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20507 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20508 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20509 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20510 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20511 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20512 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20514 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20515 Slice him up before he slays you.
20516 Nothing makes you look a slob
20517 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20518 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20520 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20521 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20522 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20524 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20525 Those who can -- do.
20526 Those who can't -- teach.
20528 Martin's Extension:
20529 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20531 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20534 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20535 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20536 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack."
20537 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20538 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20539 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20540 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20542 Hacker's Fight Song
20544 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20545 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20546 Never bungles, never shirks,
20547 Always gets his stuff to work!
20549 All take a drink (important!)
20551 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20553 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20554 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20555 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20556 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20557 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20558 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20559 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20560 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20561 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20562 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20563 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20564 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20565 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20567 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20568 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20569 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20570 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20571 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20572 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20573 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20576 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20577 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20579 Hackers of the world, unite!
20581 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20582 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20586 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20588 Had he and I but met
20589 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20590 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20591 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20592 And killed him in his place.
20593 I shot him dead because --
20594 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20595 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20596 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20597 No other reason why.
20598 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20599 You shoot a fellow down
20600 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20601 Or help to half-a-crown.
20604 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20605 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20606 -- Alfonso the Wise
20608 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20609 referring to operating system initialization.]
20611 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20612 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20614 Hail to the sun god
20615 He's such a fun god
20618 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20620 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20621 a big enough majority in any town?
20622 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20624 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20625 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20626 one of the following:
20627 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20630 (d) The letter you are answering.
20632 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20633 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20634 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20635 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20637 Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
20639 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20641 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20642 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20645 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20646 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20647 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20648 difference between life and death.
20650 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20651 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20652 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20653 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20654 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20655 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20656 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20657 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20659 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20661 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20662 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20663 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20665 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20666 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20667 their own districts).
20670 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20671 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20672 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20675 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20677 Handshaking protocol, n.:
20678 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20679 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20680 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20682 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20686 The wrath of grapes.
20689 Never attribute to malice
20690 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20692 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20693 There are never enough hours in a day,
20694 but always too many days before Saturday.
20696 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20698 Happiness is a hard disk.
20700 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20702 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20705 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20708 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20710 Happiness is the greatest good.
20712 Happiness is twin floppies.
20714 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20716 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20719 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20722 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20724 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20727 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20729 Happy feast of the pig!
20731 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20734 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20737 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20740 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20742 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20743 -- Charlie McCarthy
20746 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20748 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20749 The Duke is fond of kittens
20750 He likes to take their insides out
20751 And use them for his mittens
20754 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20755 Advertising wondrous things.
20758 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20759 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20762 Harp not on that string.
20763 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20765 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20766 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20767 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20769 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20770 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20771 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20773 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20774 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20775 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20776 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20777 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20778 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20779 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20780 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20781 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20782 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20784 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20785 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20786 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20787 hadn't been carving that pie."
20788 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20790 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20791 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20794 Harrison's Postulate:
20795 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20798 All the good ones are taken.
20800 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20801 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20802 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20803 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20804 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20805 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20806 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20807 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20808 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20809 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20810 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20811 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20812 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20813 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20814 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20817 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20818 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20819 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20820 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20821 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20822 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20823 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20824 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20825 just like Richard Nixon."
20826 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20828 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20829 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20830 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20831 with all that pep and vitality.
20833 Hartley's First Law:
20834 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20835 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20837 Hartley's Second Law:
20838 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20841 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20844 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20845 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20846 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20850 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20851 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20852 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20853 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20855 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20856 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20857 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20858 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20859 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20863 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20864 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20865 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20866 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20867 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20869 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20871 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20873 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20874 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20875 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20876 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20877 but a lot harder than it appears.
20879 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
20880 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
20881 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
20882 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
20883 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
20884 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
20890 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
20892 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
20893 -- "Night After Night", 1932
20895 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
20896 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
20898 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
20901 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
20902 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
20906 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
20908 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20910 Have a coke and a smile!
20915 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
20917 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
20918 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
20924 Have an adequate day.
20928 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
20931 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
20932 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
20933 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
20935 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
20936 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
20937 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
20939 Long live the revolution!
20942 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
20943 seriously, for they will shape you.
20946 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
20947 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
20948 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
20949 seventeen-year-old housewife's
20950 two-day-old cookbook?
20951 -- Richard Brautigan
20953 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
20955 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
20956 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
20957 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
20958 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
20960 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
20962 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
20963 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
20964 never find the time for play?
20966 Have you flogged your kid today?
20968 Have you locked your file cabinet?
20970 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
20971 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
20973 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
20974 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
20975 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
20977 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
20979 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
20980 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
20982 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
20983 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
20984 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
20985 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
20987 How can you tell me you're lonely,
20988 And say for you the sun don't shine?
20989 Let me take you by the hand
20990 Lead you through the streets of London
20991 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
20993 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
20994 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
20995 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
20996 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
20998 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
20999 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21000 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21001 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21002 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21003 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21005 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21006 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21007 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21008 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21009 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21011 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21012 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21013 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21014 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21015 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21016 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21018 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21019 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21020 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21021 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21022 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21023 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21024 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21026 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21028 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21031 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21034 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21035 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21037 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21040 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21041 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21042 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21043 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21046 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21047 It's not easy to play the clown
21048 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21050 He: Do you like Kipling?
21051 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21053 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21054 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21057 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21058 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21061 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21064 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21065 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21067 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21069 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21070 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21071 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
21073 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21074 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21076 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21077 finer than the staple of his argument.
21078 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21080 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
21083 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21085 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21086 perfectly delightful.
21089 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21090 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21091 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21092 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21094 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21097 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21098 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21101 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21104 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21105 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21107 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21108 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21109 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21110 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21112 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21115 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21116 who can say nothing in the most words.
21118 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21120 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21123 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21126 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21129 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21131 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21132 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21134 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21136 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21137 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21139 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21140 -- Sir Richard Burton
21142 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21143 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21145 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21148 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21151 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21152 had fallen to the ground.
21153 -- The Book of Serenity
21155 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21157 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21158 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21159 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21160 I must translate it otherwise.
21161 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21162 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21163 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21164 Lest you should write too hastily.
21165 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21166 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21167 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21168 That my translation must be changed again.
21169 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21170 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21171 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
21173 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21174 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
21176 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21177 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21179 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21180 -- John Stark, movie review
21182 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21183 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21185 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21186 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21187 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
21189 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21190 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21192 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21193 -- Scottish proverb
21195 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21196 -- Benjamin Franklin
21198 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21199 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21201 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21202 -- Benjamin Franklin
21204 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21206 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21207 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21209 He thought he saw an albatross
21210 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21211 He looked again and saw it was
21212 A penny postage stamp.
21213 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21214 "The nights are rather damp."
21216 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21217 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21218 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21219 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21220 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21221 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21223 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21227 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21229 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21230 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21231 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21232 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21233 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21236 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21239 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21242 He was part of my dream, of course --
21243 but then I was part of his dream too.
21245 "Through the Looking-Glass,
21246 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
21248 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21250 He was the sort of person whose personality
21251 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21253 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21255 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21256 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21257 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21259 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21260 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21262 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21263 the human condition is a fool.
21266 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21267 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21269 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21270 -- Honore de Balzac
21272 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21275 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21277 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21279 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21281 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21283 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21285 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21286 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21287 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21289 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21291 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21294 He who hesitates is last.
21296 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21298 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21300 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21301 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21303 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21305 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21307 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21309 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21310 encounter many rivals.
21311 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21313 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21314 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21315 senses until the day of judgment.
21318 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21320 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21323 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21324 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21325 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21327 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21328 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21329 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21330 he knows something. Or something like that.
21332 He who knows others is wise.
21333 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21336 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21339 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21342 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21344 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21346 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21348 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21350 He who laughs, lasts.
21352 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21354 He who loses, wins the race,
21355 And parallel lines meet in space.
21356 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21358 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21361 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21363 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21364 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21365 -- Sir Richard Burton
21367 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21368 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
21370 He who slings mud loses ground.
21373 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21375 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21377 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21380 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21383 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21384 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21385 education and culture.
21386 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21388 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21391 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21393 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21394 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21398 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
21399 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
21402 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21403 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21406 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21407 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21408 up a chopped libber?
21411 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
21412 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21415 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21416 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
21420 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
21421 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
21422 typewriter's ribbon?
21425 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
21426 One fortunate cookie...
21428 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
21429 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
21430 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
21432 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
21433 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
21435 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
21436 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
21438 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
21439 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
21440 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
21441 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
21444 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
21445 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
21446 while you expound your own.
21447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21449 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
21450 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
21453 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
21455 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
21457 Heisenberg may have been here.
21459 Heisenberg may have slept here.
21461 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
21464 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
21465 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
21466 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
21468 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
21469 how are they supposed to know you care?
21471 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21472 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21475 Truth seen too late.
21478 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21480 Johnson's Corollary:
21481 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21484 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21485 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21486 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21488 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21489 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21490 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21491 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21492 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21493 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21495 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21496 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21497 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21500 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21502 Hell's broken loose.
21505 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21507 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21509 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21512 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21514 Help fight continental drift.
21516 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
21518 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21520 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21522 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21524 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21525 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21526 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21527 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21528 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21529 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21532 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21533 Her loving husband's life to save;
21534 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21535 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21537 But to our modern married fair,
21538 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21539 No stellar recognition's given.
21540 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21542 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21543 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21545 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21547 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21548 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21549 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21550 thousand times before
21551 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21552 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21554 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21558 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21559 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21560 First net.this and net.that,
21561 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21563 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21564 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21565 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21566 For someone trapped in net.news?
21568 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21569 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21571 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21572 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21573 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21574 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21576 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21577 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21578 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21579 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21581 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21582 At whose beckoning history shook.
21583 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21584 So I stay at home with a book.
21587 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21588 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21589 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21590 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21591 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21592 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21593 important electrical lesson.
21595 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21596 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21597 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21598 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21599 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21600 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21601 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21603 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21604 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21605 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21607 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21609 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21610 if you're alive, it isn't.
21612 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21613 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21614 marketing anxiety in China.
21616 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21617 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21619 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21621 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21622 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21623 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21624 satiric vistas do not open up.
21625 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21627 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21628 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21631 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21633 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21634 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21635 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21637 Here there by tygers.
21639 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21640 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21641 around as if you're going to fall.
21642 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
21644 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21645 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21649 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21651 He's been like a father to me,
21652 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21653 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21654 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21659 He's got the heart of a little child,
21660 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21662 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21664 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21666 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21667 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21670 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21671 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21673 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21675 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21676 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21678 Hewett's Observation:
21679 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21680 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21681 peers similarly engaged.
21683 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21684 To get a little more stack;
21685 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21686 And have to pop all the way back.
21688 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21689 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21691 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21692 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21693 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21694 these words were spoken.
21696 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21697 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21700 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21701 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21703 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21704 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21705 leave your name and message after the beep...
21707 Hi! How are things going?
21708 (just fine, thank you...)
21709 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21710 (you just asked one...)
21711 Well, how about one more?
21712 (one more than the first one?)
21714 (you already asked that...)
21715 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21716 May I ask two questions, sir?
21718 May I ask ONE then?
21720 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21722 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21723 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21724 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21725 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21727 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21728 (go right ahead...)
21730 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21731 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21732 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21733 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21734 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21735 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21736 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21737 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21739 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21740 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21741 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21743 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21744 You wanna help on the audit now?
21746 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21747 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21748 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21750 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21751 The mice ran up the clock,
21752 The clock struck one,
21753 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21755 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21759 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21761 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21762 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21763 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21764 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21765 We buried him today because
21766 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21767 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21768 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21769 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21774 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
21775 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
21776 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
21778 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21779 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21781 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21783 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21784 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21786 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21787 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21788 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21789 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21790 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21791 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21792 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21793 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21794 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21795 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21796 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21797 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21798 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21799 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21800 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21802 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21805 A California innovation composed
21806 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21808 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21810 Hildebrant's Principle:
21811 If you don't know where you are going,
21812 any road will get you there.
21814 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21815 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21816 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21817 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21820 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21823 Hindsight is an exact science.
21826 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21827 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21828 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21829 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21830 of zoology is full of surprises.
21831 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21833 Hire the morally handicapped.
21835 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21836 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21837 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21839 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21842 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21843 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21845 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21846 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21847 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21848 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21849 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21850 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21851 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21852 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21853 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21854 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21855 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21856 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21857 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21859 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21860 money, he went to Southern California.
21862 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21864 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21867 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21869 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21872 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21874 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21875 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21876 continues to this day.
21879 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
21881 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
21882 of the Mexican revolution:
21884 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
21885 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
21886 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
21887 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
21888 army where he was then executed."
21890 History is curious stuff
21891 You'd think by now we had enough
21892 Yet the fact remains I fear
21893 They make more of it every year.
21895 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
21896 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
21899 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
21901 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
21902 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
21904 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
21906 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
21907 time as bedroom farce.
21909 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
21911 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
21912 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
21913 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
21914 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
21915 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
21916 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
21918 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
21919 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
21920 Pour my black old coffee longer,
21921 While that smell is gettin' stronger
21922 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
21924 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
21925 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
21926 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
21927 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
21928 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
21930 And let me halfway fall in love,
21931 For part of a lonely night,
21932 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21933 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
21934 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
21935 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21938 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
21939 The stapler runs out of staples
21940 only while you are trying to staple something.
21942 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
21943 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
21944 used against the coloured.
21945 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21948 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
21949 they will find an easier way to do it.
21951 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
21952 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
21954 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
21955 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
21956 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
21957 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
21958 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
21959 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
21960 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
21961 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
21962 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
21963 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
21964 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
21965 exist in a more fundamental sense.
21967 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
21968 Inside every large problem is a small
21969 problem struggling to get out.
21971 Hodie natus est radici frater.
21973 Hoffer's Discovery:
21974 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
21975 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
21978 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
21979 Hofstadter's Law into account.
21981 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
21982 Take a shot every time:
21984 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
21985 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
21986 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
21987 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
21988 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
21989 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
21990 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
21991 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
21992 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
21993 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
21994 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
21995 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
21996 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
21997 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
21998 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
21999 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22000 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22001 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22002 plan is impossible.
22003 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22006 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22008 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22011 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22012 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22014 Tune in again tomorrow:
22015 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22019 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22020 they have to take you in.
22021 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22023 Home is where the hurt is.
22025 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22026 cage is to a cockatoo.
22027 -- George Bernard Shaw
22029 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22030 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22033 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22035 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22038 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22041 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
22043 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22046 Honesty's the best policy.
22047 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22050 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22053 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22055 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22057 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22060 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22061 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
22062 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22063 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22065 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22068 Hope is a waking dream.
22071 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22074 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22076 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22079 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22080 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22083 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22084 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22086 Horngren's Observation:
22087 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22089 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22092 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22095 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22097 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22099 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22100 had towels from my house.
22103 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22106 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22107 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22109 Housework can kill you if done right.
22112 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22115 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22116 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22118 How can you be in two places at once
22119 when you're not anywhere at all?
22121 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
22124 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22125 -- Charles de Gaulle
22127 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22130 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22131 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22132 in the waking state?
22135 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22138 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22140 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22142 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22143 claim they'll make you?
22145 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22147 How come we never talk anymore?
22149 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22151 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22152 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22155 How could they think women a recreation?
22156 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22157 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22158 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22159 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22160 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22161 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22162 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22163 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22164 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22165 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22166 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22167 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22168 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22169 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22171 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22172 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22173 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22174 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22175 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22176 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22177 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22178 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22179 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22180 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22181 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22182 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22183 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22184 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22185 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22186 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22188 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
22190 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22193 How doth the little crocodile
22194 Improve his shining tail,
22195 And pour the waters of the Nile
22196 On every golden scale!
22198 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22199 How neatly spreads his claws,
22200 And welcomes little fishes in,
22201 With gently smiling jaws!
22202 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
22204 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22205 Improve its object code.
22206 And even as we speak does it
22207 Increase the system load.
22209 How patiently it seems to run
22210 And spit out error flags,
22211 While users, with frustration, all
22212 Tear all their clothes to rags.
22214 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22215 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22216 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22218 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22220 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22221 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22223 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22224 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22226 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22227 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22228 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22229 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22230 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22231 cheese!" and so on.
22232 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22234 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22236 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22237 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22239 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22241 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22243 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22245 How much does she love you?
22246 Less than you'll ever know.
22248 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22249 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22250 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22252 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22254 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22256 How often I found where I should be going
22257 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22258 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22260 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22262 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22265 How to become a sysop:
22266 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22267 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22268 worked a full day in my life since then.
22271 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22272 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22274 How untasteful can you get?
22276 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22278 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22279 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22281 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22282 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22284 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22285 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22288 How you look depends on where you go.
22291 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22293 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22294 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22297 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22298 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22299 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22300 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22301 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22302 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22303 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22304 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22305 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22306 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22307 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22308 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22309 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22310 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22311 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22312 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22313 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22314 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22315 in the name of "conservatism."
22316 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22318 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22319 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22320 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22321 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22322 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22323 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22324 -- Albuquerque Journal
22327 Don't take life too seriously;
22328 you won't get out of it alive.
22330 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22332 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22337 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22339 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22340 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22341 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22342 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22343 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22344 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22346 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22347 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22349 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22352 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22353 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
22357 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
22360 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
22361 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
22363 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
22365 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
22368 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
22371 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
22372 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
22373 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
22374 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
22375 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
22376 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
22377 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
22378 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
22379 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
22381 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
22383 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
22384 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
22385 All the king's horses,
22386 And all the king's men,
22387 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
22389 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
22391 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
22392 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
22393 to... to... uh.....
22395 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
22396 time, turns into people.
22400 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
22401 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
22403 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
22404 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
22406 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
22408 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
22410 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
22411 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
22413 -- Norman Augustine
22415 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
22416 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
22417 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
22418 terrifies people the most.
22421 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
22424 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
22427 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
22428 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
22430 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
22431 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
22432 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
22433 -- Richard M. Nixon
22435 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
22436 -- Richard M. Nixon
22438 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
22439 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
22440 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
22442 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
22445 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
22446 It is never any good to oneself.
22447 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
22449 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
22450 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
22452 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
22453 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
22454 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
22456 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
22459 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
22460 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
22461 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
22462 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
22463 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
22464 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
22465 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22466 And a cow. And a cow.
22468 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
22469 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
22470 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
22471 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
22472 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
22473 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
22474 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22475 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22476 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22478 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22479 person, you will not sell me another book.
22482 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22484 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22485 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22486 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22488 I am a deeply superficial person.
22491 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22495 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22496 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22498 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22499 computer to be running Win98.
22500 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22502 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22503 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22504 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22506 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22507 -- Winston Churchill
22509 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22510 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22511 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22512 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22514 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22516 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22517 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22518 is to suffer for others.
22521 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22522 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22523 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22524 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22526 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22527 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22529 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22530 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22531 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22534 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22535 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22536 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22537 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22538 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22539 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22541 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22542 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22544 I am looking for a honest man.
22545 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22547 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22552 -- Richard M. Nixon
22554 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22557 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22558 -- William Allen White
22560 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22563 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22566 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22567 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
22569 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22570 -- English Professor
22572 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22573 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22574 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22575 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22578 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22579 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22580 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22582 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22583 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22584 -- Winston Churchill
22586 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22587 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22588 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22590 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22591 with an option to buy.
22593 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22595 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22597 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22600 I am two with nature.
22603 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22604 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22607 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22608 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22609 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22610 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22611 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22613 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22614 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22615 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22616 they don't even invite me.
22619 I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
22620 thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
22621 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
22623 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22624 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22625 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22626 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22627 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22628 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22629 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22631 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22632 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22640 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22643 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22644 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22645 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22646 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22647 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22648 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22649 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22650 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22651 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22652 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22653 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22654 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22656 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22658 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22659 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22662 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22663 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22664 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22665 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22666 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22667 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22668 the people who might elect him.
22671 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22672 -- G. K. Chesterton
22674 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22677 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22678 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22679 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22681 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22682 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22683 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22686 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22689 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22692 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22693 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22694 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22696 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22697 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22698 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22699 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22700 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22702 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22703 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22704 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22706 I brake for chezlogs!
22708 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22709 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22710 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22711 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22712 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22713 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22714 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22715 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22716 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22717 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22718 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22719 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22720 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22721 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22722 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22725 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22728 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22729 They're still living in the fifties.
22732 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22734 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22735 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22736 -- The Firesign Theatre
22738 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22740 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22741 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22742 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22746 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22747 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22749 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22752 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22753 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22756 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22758 I can relate to that.
22760 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22761 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22765 I can resist anything but temptation.
22767 I can see him a'comin'
22768 With his big boots on,
22769 With his big thumb out,
22770 He wants to get me.
22771 He wants to hurt me.
22772 He wants to bring me down.
22773 But some time later,
22774 When I feel a little straighter,
22775 I'll come across a stranger
22776 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22777 And then.... I'll run him over.
22778 Pretty smart on my part!
22779 To find my way... In the dark!
22782 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22783 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22786 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22789 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22790 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22792 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22793 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22794 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22796 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22797 If it be man's work I will do it.
22799 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22801 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22802 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22803 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22804 United States would have lost World War II."
22805 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22807 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22810 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22811 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22813 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22816 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22817 -- Florence Henderson
22819 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22822 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22823 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22824 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22825 Your Socks Outside-in
22826 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22827 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22828 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22829 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22830 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22831 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22833 I can't mate in captivity.
22834 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22836 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22837 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22840 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22841 -- Albert Anastasia
22843 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22844 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22845 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22846 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22849 I can't understand it.
22850 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22851 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22853 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22854 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22857 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22858 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22861 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22862 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22866 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22867 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22868 -- Michael Prichard
22870 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22871 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22874 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22875 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22876 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
22878 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
22879 dance with the cows till you come home.
22882 I could never learn to like her --
22883 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
22886 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
22888 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
22889 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
22892 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
22894 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
22895 I should have to believe in it in this one.
22898 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
22901 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
22902 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
22905 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
22907 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
22909 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
22910 The curtain was up.
22912 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
22913 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
22915 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
22916 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
22917 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
22918 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
22919 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22921 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
22922 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
22923 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22925 I do desire we may be better strangers.
22926 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
22928 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
22930 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
22931 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
22932 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
22933 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
22934 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
22935 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
22937 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
22939 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
22940 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
22941 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
22944 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
22945 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
22946 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
22947 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
22948 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
22949 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
22950 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
22951 Cardinals backed down and played.
22953 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
22956 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
22957 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
22960 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
22961 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
22963 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
22964 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
22965 comes nearest to it of any.
22966 -- Henry David Thoreau
22968 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
22969 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
22972 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
22973 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
22974 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
22975 devote it to research in mathematics.
22976 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
22978 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
22979 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
22983 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
22986 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
22987 don't believe in astrology.
22988 -- James R. F. Quirk
22990 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
22991 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
22994 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
22995 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
22996 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
22998 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
22999 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23000 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23001 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23003 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23004 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23006 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23009 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23013 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23014 deserve that either.
23017 I don't do it for the money.
23018 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23020 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23023 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23024 -- Katherine Cebrian
23026 I don't get no respect.
23028 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23029 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23031 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23032 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23034 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23035 highly trained certified public accountants.
23038 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23039 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23040 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23042 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23043 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23046 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23049 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23050 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23053 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23054 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23057 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23058 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23060 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23062 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23063 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23066 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23068 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23069 with Dutch Schultz.
23071 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23072 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23073 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23076 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23079 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23080 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23083 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
23086 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23087 streets and frighten the horses.
23090 I don't need no arms around me...
23091 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23092 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23093 Don't think I need anything at all.
23094 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23095 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23096 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23097 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23099 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
23101 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23103 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23104 he starts to practice law.
23105 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23108 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23109 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23110 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23112 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23114 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23115 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23116 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
23118 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23119 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23121 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23122 you human beings don't."
23125 I don't understand you anymore.
23127 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23128 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23130 I don't want a pickle,
23131 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23132 And I don't want to die,
23133 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23136 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23139 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23140 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23143 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23144 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23145 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23146 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23147 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23148 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23149 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23152 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23154 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23157 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23159 I dote on his very absence.
23160 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23162 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23164 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23165 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23166 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23167 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
23168 -- George Bernard Shaw
23170 I drink to make other people interesting.
23171 -- George Jean Nathan
23173 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23175 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23177 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23179 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23181 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23183 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23184 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23185 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23187 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23188 honest difference of opinion.
23191 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23192 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23195 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23196 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23199 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
23201 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23204 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23205 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
23208 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23209 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23210 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23211 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23213 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23214 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23215 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23216 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23218 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23219 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23220 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23221 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23223 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
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23224 minutes of my life!
23226 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23229 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23232 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23233 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23234 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23235 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23237 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23238 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23239 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23240 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23243 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23244 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23246 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23249 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23252 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23253 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23254 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23257 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23261 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23264 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23265 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23266 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23267 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23268 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23269 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23270 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23273 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23276 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23277 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23279 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23280 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23281 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23282 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23284 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23286 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23287 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23288 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23289 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23291 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23292 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23293 win -- or even how you won.
23296 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23297 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23300 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23301 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23302 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23303 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23305 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23308 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23309 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23310 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23312 I had a dream last night...
23313 I dreamt about 1976.
23314 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23315 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23316 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23317 so I went back to sleep again.
23318 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23320 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23321 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23322 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23323 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23324 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23325 dinner and I let it go.
23326 -- Winston Churchill
23328 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23329 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23333 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23334 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23335 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23337 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23338 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
23342 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
23343 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
23344 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
23345 power to make things different is a bitch.
23348 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
23349 so I took his shoes.
23352 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
23353 implement a PL/1 compiler.
23356 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
23357 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
23360 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
23362 I hate babies. They're so human.
23368 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
23369 it's going to be up all night.
23372 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
23373 and I know how bad I am.
23377 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
23379 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
23380 there's nothing else to do.
23383 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
23384 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
23387 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
23388 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
23389 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
23390 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
23391 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
23392 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
23393 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
23394 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
23395 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
23398 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
23399 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
23400 and just keeps on typing.
23403 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
23404 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
23405 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
23406 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23408 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
23409 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
23410 I just... to make a long story short..."
23413 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
23414 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
23416 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
23417 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
23421 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
23422 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
23423 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
23424 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
23426 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
23427 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
23428 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
23429 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
23430 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
23432 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
23433 I spent last summer folding it.
23434 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
23437 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
23440 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
23441 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
23442 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
23445 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
23447 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
23448 but I can't prove it.
23450 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
23453 I have a very strange feeling about this...
23456 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
23457 sacrifice my wife's brother.
23460 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
23461 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
23462 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
23464 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
23467 I have become me without my consent.
23469 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
23470 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
23471 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
23473 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23475 -- George Bernard Shaw
23477 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23478 to sit still in a room.
23481 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23482 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23483 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23485 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23486 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23487 support of the woman I love.
23488 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
23489 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23490 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
23492 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23493 most of them are trash.
23496 I have gained this by philosophy:
23497 that I do without being commanded what others
23498 do only from fear of the law.
23501 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23504 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23505 of a prostate operation.
23506 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23508 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23511 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23512 I do believe that is a record.
23513 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23515 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23516 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23517 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23518 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23519 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23520 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23521 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23524 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23525 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23529 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23530 Which still grates on
23531 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23534 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23535 None of them is worth anything.
23536 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23537 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23538 The price of half a gallon
23540 And most of the bus fare home.
23542 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23543 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23544 -- James Gordon Bennett
23546 I have made this letter longer than usual
23547 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23550 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23552 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23554 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23556 I have never been one to sacrifice
23557 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23558 -- A. M. Readyhough
23560 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23563 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23566 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23567 gone in two years. He was half right.
23568 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23570 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23573 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23574 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23578 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23579 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23582 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23583 As seas of ink I spatter.
23584 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23585 The other kind don't matter.
23586 -- Robert W. Service
23588 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23589 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23590 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23591 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23593 I have not yet begun to byte!
23595 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23598 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23599 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23600 be blockhead enough to have me.
23603 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23606 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23609 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23610 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23611 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23612 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23613 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23614 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23615 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23616 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23617 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23618 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23619 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23620 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23621 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23622 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23623 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23624 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23625 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23626 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23627 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23628 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23629 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
23630 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23631 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23632 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23633 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23635 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23636 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23638 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23640 I have that old biological urge,
23641 I have that old irresistible surge,
23644 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23647 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23648 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23650 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23653 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23654 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23655 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23656 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23657 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23658 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23659 science of data processing), c. 1957
23661 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23662 -- John D. Rockefeller
23664 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23665 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23668 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23670 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23672 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23673 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23675 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23677 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23678 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23679 more than he knows.
23680 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23682 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23683 -- Thomas Jefferson
23685 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23686 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23687 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23688 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23690 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23691 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23692 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23693 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23695 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23697 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23698 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23700 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23703 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23707 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23708 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23709 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23710 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23711 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23713 I just got out of the hospital after a
23714 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23717 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23720 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23723 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23724 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23725 -- Arturo Toscanini
23727 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23728 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23730 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23731 If I could just remember what it was.
23733 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23734 take one along that worked.
23735 -- Raymond Chandler
23737 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23738 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23739 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23740 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23741 But don't you get square!
23742 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23743 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23745 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23747 I know not how I came into this,
23748 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23751 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23752 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23755 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23758 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23759 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23762 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23763 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23764 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23766 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23767 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23770 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23771 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23772 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23773 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23774 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23775 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23777 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23778 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23781 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23782 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23784 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23786 I lately lost a preposition;
23787 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23788 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23789 Up from out of under there."
23791 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23792 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23793 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23794 Up from out of under for?"
23797 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23798 Waitin' for the double E.
23799 The railroad don't run no more.
23800 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23801 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23802 These young girls won't let me be,
23803 Lord have mercy on me!
23806 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23807 Well, I ain't naming names.
23808 But she really worked me over good,
23809 She was just like Jesse James.
23810 She really worked me over good,
23811 She was a credit to her gender.
23812 She put me through some changes, boy,
23813 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23815 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23816 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23817 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23818 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23819 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23821 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23822 didn't is just lyin'!
23825 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23828 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23829 that kidnaped Europa.
23830 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23832 I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
23833 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23835 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23836 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23837 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23838 the way and let them have it.
23839 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23841 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23843 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23846 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23848 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23850 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23851 to bite people themselves.
23852 -- August Strindberg
23854 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23855 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23858 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23859 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23862 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23863 someone takes them away.
23866 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23867 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23869 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23872 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23875 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23876 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
23877 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
23879 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
23880 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
23882 I love to eat them Smurfies
23883 Smurfies what I love to eat
23884 Bite they ugly heads off,
23885 Nibble on they bluish feet.
23887 I love treason but hate a traitor.
23888 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
23890 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
23893 I love you, not only for what you are,
23894 but for what I am when I am with you.
23897 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
23898 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
23900 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
23902 I married beneath me. All women do.
23903 -- Lady Nancy Astor
23905 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
23906 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
23908 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
23910 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
23912 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
23915 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
23916 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23918 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
23919 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
23921 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
23922 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
23925 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
23929 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
23930 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
23931 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
23933 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
23934 -- Alexander Woollcott
23936 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
23937 week sometimes to make it up.
23938 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
23940 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
23942 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
23943 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
23944 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
23945 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
23948 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
23949 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
23950 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
23951 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
23952 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
23954 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
23955 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
23957 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
23959 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
23962 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
23963 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
23967 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
23968 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
23969 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
23971 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
23972 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
23975 I never did it that way before.
23977 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
23978 places they do today.
23981 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
23982 could do was to go away.
23984 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
23987 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
23990 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
23993 I never made a mistake in my life.
23994 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
23997 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
23998 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24000 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24002 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24004 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24005 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24007 I never saw a purple cow
24008 I never hope to see one
24009 But I can tell you anyhow
24010 I'd rather see than be one.
24013 I've never seen a purple cow
24014 I never hope to see one
24015 But from the milk we're getting now
24016 There certainly must be one
24019 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24020 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24021 But I can tell you anyhow
24022 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24023 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24025 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24027 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24030 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24031 -- George Bernard Shaw
24033 I only know what I read in the papers.
24036 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
24037 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24039 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24040 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24041 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24042 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24043 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24044 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24045 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24046 -- Letters From Colette
24049 It's off to work I go...
24051 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24055 I owe the public nothing.
24058 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24059 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24060 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24061 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24062 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24063 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24065 -- Thomas Jefferson
24067 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24068 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24069 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24070 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24071 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24072 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24074 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24076 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24077 of the United States of America
24078 and to the republic for which it stands,
24082 and justice for all.
24083 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24085 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24088 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24090 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24091 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24093 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24096 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24099 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24100 -- William F. Buckley
24102 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24103 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24106 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24107 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24108 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24109 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24110 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24111 aspire to crudeness.
24112 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24114 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24117 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24118 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24119 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24120 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24122 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24123 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24126 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24127 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24129 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24132 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24133 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24134 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24135 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24138 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24139 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24140 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24141 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24142 write about, such as nose-picking.
24143 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24146 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24147 -- Marilyn Chambers
24149 I really hate this damned machine
24150 I wish that they would sell it.
24151 It never does quite what I want
24152 But only what I tell it.
24154 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24155 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24156 something of what has been passing in their time.
24157 -- Thomas Jefferson
24159 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24160 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24161 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24164 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24165 believing that some men are my equals.
24168 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24170 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24171 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24172 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24173 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24174 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24175 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24176 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24177 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24180 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24181 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24182 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24184 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24188 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24189 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24192 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24195 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24196 woman should marry -- and no man.
24197 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24199 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24200 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24201 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24202 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24203 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24204 if they don't get it.
24207 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24208 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24210 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24211 'Round and round they sped.
24212 I was disturbed at this,
24213 I accosted the man,
24214 "It is futile," I said.
24216 "You lie!" He cried,
24220 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24223 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24224 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24227 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24229 I see a bad moon rising.
24230 I see trouble on the way.
24231 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24232 I see bad times today.
24233 Don't go 'round tonight,
24234 It's bound to take your life.
24235 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24236 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24238 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24239 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24242 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24243 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24244 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24245 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24246 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24248 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24249 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24250 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24251 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24253 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24254 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24255 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24256 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24257 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24258 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24259 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24260 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24261 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24262 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24264 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24265 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24267 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24268 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24270 "Through the Looking-Glass,
24271 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
24273 I sent a message to another time,
24274 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24275 I sent a message to another plane,
24276 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24278 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24279 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24280 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24281 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24282 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24283 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24285 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24286 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24287 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24288 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24289 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24291 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24292 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24294 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24296 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
24297 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
24298 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
24299 that matters, but victory.
24302 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
24303 -- graffito in Los Angeles
24307 -- graffito in San Francisco
24309 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
24310 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
24313 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
24314 most western countries.
24319 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
24320 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
24323 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
24328 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
24330 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
24331 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
24333 I stick my neck out for nobody.
24334 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
24336 I stood on the leading edge,
24337 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
24338 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
24339 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
24340 Go on and give it a try,
24341 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
24342 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
24344 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
24345 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
24348 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
24351 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
24352 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
24353 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
24354 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
24356 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
24358 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
24359 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
24360 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
24361 That needs a helping hand,
24362 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
24363 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
24365 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24366 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24367 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24368 are worth considering, to wit:
24371 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
24372 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
24375 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
24376 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
24377 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
24381 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
24384 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24385 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24386 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24387 are worth considering, to wit:
24390 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
24391 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
24392 a U-turn on a divided highway."
24395 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
24396 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
24397 traveling more than 60 MPH."
24399 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
24400 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
24401 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
24402 are worth considering, to wit:
24405 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
24406 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
24409 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
24410 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
24411 a 5' parking space."
24414 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
24415 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
24417 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
24418 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
24420 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
24421 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
24422 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
24424 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
24425 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
24426 munchies, and ate the other half.
24428 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
24429 bottle stuck up my nose.
24430 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24432 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
24433 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
24435 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
24436 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
24437 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
24438 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24440 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
24441 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
24442 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
24443 -- Rodney Dangerfield
24445 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
24448 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
24449 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
24452 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
24453 -- William Shakespeare
24455 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
24456 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
24458 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
24459 because I couldn't remember the proof.
24460 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
24462 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
24463 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24465 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
24467 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
24468 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
24469 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
24471 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
24472 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
24473 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
24474 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24475 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24478 I think that I shall never hear
24479 A poem lovelier than beer.
24480 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24481 With golden base and snowy cap.
24482 The stuff that I can drink all day
24483 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24484 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24485 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24487 I think that I shall never see
24488 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24489 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24490 I'll never see a tree at all.
24493 I think that I shall never see
24494 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24495 But as you see the trees have gone
24496 They went this morning with the dawn.
24497 A logging firm from out of town
24498 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24499 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24500 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks."
24502 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24503 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24504 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24505 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24506 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24507 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24508 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24509 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24510 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24511 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24513 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24514 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24517 I think the world is run by C students.
24520 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24521 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24522 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24524 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24525 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24526 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24528 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24530 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24532 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24533 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
24535 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24537 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24539 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24542 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24543 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24544 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24545 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24546 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24547 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24548 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24549 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24551 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24553 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24554 -- The Firesign Theatre
24556 I think we're in trouble.
24559 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24560 except for the one about my mental instability.
24561 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
24563 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24564 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24565 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24566 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24567 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24568 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24569 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24570 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24571 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24572 She sent one from some past high school day,
24573 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24574 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24575 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24576 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24577 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24578 If you were not so totally weird!"
24579 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24580 And he had not done just the same,
24581 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24582 And would not have had fun with the game.
24584 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24586 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24588 -- The Firesign Theatre,
24589 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24591 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24593 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24594 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24595 -- Winston Churchill
24597 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24598 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24602 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24603 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24605 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24607 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24608 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24609 and drown myself in the noise.
24610 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24612 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24613 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24615 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24618 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24619 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24621 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24622 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24623 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24625 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24626 I never have to go upstairs.
24628 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24629 front of it in only eight minutes.
24632 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24635 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24638 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24641 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24642 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24643 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24644 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24645 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24646 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24650 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24652 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24655 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24658 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24659 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24660 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24661 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24662 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24663 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24664 No more, Mr. Clean,
24665 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24666 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24668 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24669 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24670 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24671 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24672 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24674 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24675 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24677 I used to have a drinking problem.
24678 Now I love the stuff.
24680 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24681 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24683 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24684 like I'm the only one moving.
24686 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24687 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24688 to be out that long."
24690 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24691 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24694 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24695 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24696 more mature than I am.
24698 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24700 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24701 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24702 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24705 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24706 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24709 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24713 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24714 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24715 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24716 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24720 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24722 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24723 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24725 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24726 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24728 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24730 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24733 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24735 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24736 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24737 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24738 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24739 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24740 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24742 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24744 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24745 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24748 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24749 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24750 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24754 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24755 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24756 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24757 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24760 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24761 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24762 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24763 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24764 get off my driveway.
24767 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24768 With a lady in St. Louie,
24769 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24770 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24771 Roll this rocker out some money,
24772 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24775 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24776 I said I didn't know.
24779 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24780 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24781 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24782 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24783 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24784 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24785 that all the time."
24786 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24788 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24789 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24792 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24793 permitted me to function effectively.
24796 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24797 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24798 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24799 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24800 avoiding the beach.
24801 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24803 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24804 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24807 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24808 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24809 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24810 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24811 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24812 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24813 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24814 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24815 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24816 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24817 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24819 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24820 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24821 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24822 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24824 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24825 full house and four people died.
24828 I was the best I ever had.
24831 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24834 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24835 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24836 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24837 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24838 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24840 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24843 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24846 I went home with a waitress,
24847 The way I always do.
24848 How I was I to know?
24849 She was with the Russians too.
24851 I was gambling in Havana,
24852 I took a little risk.
24853 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24854 Dad, get me out of this.
24855 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
24857 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
24860 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
24861 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
24865 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
24866 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
24867 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
24868 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
24869 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
24870 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
24871 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
24872 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
24873 program to the point where it would not run at all.
24874 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
24875 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
24877 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
24878 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
24880 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
24881 As if you just squashed a cop.
24882 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
24884 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
24888 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
24889 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
24890 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
24892 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
24896 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
24897 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
24898 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
24899 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
24901 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
24902 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
24904 There was a computer in every doorknob.
24907 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
24908 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
24910 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
24912 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
24913 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
24917 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
24918 statues that are in all the other museums.
24921 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
24922 it took seven others to beat him!
24924 I will always love the false image I had of you.
24926 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
24927 but not into it if I can help it.
24928 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
24930 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
24931 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
24932 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
24933 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
24934 writing on this stone!
24937 I will make you shorter by the head.
24940 I will never lie to you.
24942 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
24946 I will not get drunk!
24948 I will not in public!
24950 I will not fall down!
24952 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
24954 I will not forget you.
24956 I will not play at tug o' war.
24957 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
24958 Where everyone hugs
24960 Where everyone giggles
24961 And rolls on the rug,
24962 Where everyone kisses,
24963 And everyone grins,
24964 And everyone cuddles,
24966 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
24968 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
24972 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
24973 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
24976 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
24978 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24980 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
24981 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
24985 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
24987 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
24989 I woke up a feelin' mean
24990 went down to play the slot machine
24991 the wheels turned round,
24992 and the letters read
24993 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
24996 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
24997 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
24998 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
24999 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25002 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25003 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25004 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25005 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25008 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25009 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
25011 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25012 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25015 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25016 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25017 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25018 after we've been home a long while.
25021 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25022 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25025 I would have made a good pope.
25026 -- Richard M. Nixon
25028 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25029 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25030 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25033 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25034 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25035 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25036 forget or do not know.
25037 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25039 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25040 referring to image activation and termination.]
25042 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25043 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25044 our tasks will be solved.
25045 -- Warren G. Harding
25047 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
25048 with income tax policies.
25049 -- William F. Buckley
25051 I would like to know
25052 What I was fencing in
25053 And what I was fencing out.
25056 I would much rather have men ask why
25057 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25058 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
25060 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25061 they're being taped.
25062 -- Richard M. Nixon
25064 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25065 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25067 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25068 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25069 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
25071 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25072 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25074 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25076 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25078 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25079 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25080 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25082 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25084 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25085 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25102 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25103 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25104 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25105 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25106 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25107 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25111 Idiots Become Managers
25113 Impossible to Buy Machine
25114 Incredibly Big Machine
25115 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25116 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25117 It Boggles the Mind
25118 It's Better Manually
25119 Itty-Bitty Machines
25121 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25122 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25123 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
25126 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25127 And everywhere this language went,
25128 It was a total loss.
25130 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25132 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25133 Machines should work. People should think.
25135 IBM's original motto:
25136 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25138 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25141 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25143 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25145 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25148 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25149 -- Princess Leia Organa
25151 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25152 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25154 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25156 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25158 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25159 whole field to private industry.
25162 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25165 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25168 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25171 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
25173 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25176 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25179 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25180 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25182 I'd never cry if I did find
25183 A blue whale in my soup...
25184 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25185 Inside a chicken coop.
25186 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25187 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25188 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25189 They've put acid in my rain.
25192 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25195 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25196 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25199 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25201 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
25203 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25206 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25208 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25211 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25213 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25214 Than cry with the saints,
25215 The sinners are much more fun!
25216 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25218 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25220 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25221 solitary confinement.
25223 Identify your visitor.
25226 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25227 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25228 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25231 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
25232 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
25233 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
25236 Leisure gone to seed.
25238 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
25240 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
25241 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
25242 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
25243 well that would be enough immortality for me.
25244 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
25246 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
25249 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
25250 at about 30 miles/second.
25251 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
25253 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
25256 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
25257 is a camel's behind.
25258 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
25260 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
25262 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
25263 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
25265 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
25266 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
25269 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
25272 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
25273 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
25276 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
25277 really a guru at all?
25278 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
25280 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
25281 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
25282 -- Joseph C. Goulden
25284 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
25285 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
25286 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
25287 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25289 If a listener nods his head when you're
25290 explaining your program, wake him up.
25292 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
25293 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
25295 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
25298 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
25299 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
25301 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
25302 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
25303 -- Albert Schweitzer
25305 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
25306 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
25307 it might well prolong his life.
25308 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
25310 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
25311 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
25312 -- Thomas Jefferson
25314 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
25315 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
25316 will lose that, too.
25317 -- W. Somerset Maugham
25319 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
25320 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
25321 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
25322 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
25324 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
25326 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
25327 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
25328 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
25329 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
25332 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
25333 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
25336 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
25337 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
25338 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
25340 If a system is administered wisely,
25341 its users will be content.
25342 They enjoy hacking their code
25343 and don't waste time implementing
25344 labor-saving shell scripts.
25345 Since they dearly love their accounts,
25346 they aren't interested in other machines.
25347 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
25348 but these don't access any hosts.
25349 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
25350 but nobody ever uses them.
25351 People enjoy reading their mail,
25352 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
25353 spend weekends working at their terminals,
25354 delight in the doings at the site.
25355 And even though the next system is so close
25356 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
25357 they are content to die of old age
25358 without ever having gone to see it.
25360 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
25361 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
25362 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
25363 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
25364 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
25367 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
25368 -- G. K. Chesterton
25370 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
25373 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
25375 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
25376 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
25377 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
25380 If all be true that I do think,
25381 There be five reasons why one should drink;
25382 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
25383 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
25384 Or any other reason why.
25386 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
25387 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
25389 If all else fails, lower your standards.
25391 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
25393 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
25394 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
25395 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
25397 If all the seas were ink,
25398 And all the reeds were pens,
25399 And all the skies were parchment,
25400 And all the men could write,
25401 These would not suffice
25402 To write down all the red tape
25403 Of this Government.
25405 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
25408 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
25409 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
25412 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
25413 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
25414 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
25415 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
25416 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
25417 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
25418 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
25419 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
25420 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
25422 If an S and an I and an O and a U
25423 With an X at the end spell Su;
25424 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
25425 Pray what is a speller to do?
25426 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
25427 And an HED spell side,
25428 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
25429 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
25430 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
25432 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
25433 car he ever lays down in front of.
25436 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
25437 let him become president of Harvard.
25440 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
25441 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
25442 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
25443 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
25445 If anything can go wrong, it will.
25447 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
25449 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
25451 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
25453 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
25455 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25457 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25460 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
25461 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
25464 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
25466 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
25468 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
25469 -- Leonard Levinson
25471 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
25473 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
25474 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
25475 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
25476 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
25477 plentiful as blackberries.
25480 If bankers can count, how come they have
25481 eight windows and only four tellers?
25483 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25484 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25485 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25487 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25488 but illegal purposes.
25491 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25493 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25496 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25500 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25502 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25506 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25508 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25510 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25511 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25513 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25515 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25516 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25518 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25520 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25521 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25522 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25524 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25525 around a deal faster.
25526 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
25528 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25530 If everything on the road of life seems to
25531 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25533 If everything seems to be going well,
25534 you have obviously overlooked something.
25536 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25537 -- Bertrand Russell
25539 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25541 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25542 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25543 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25544 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25545 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25546 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25549 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25550 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25552 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25555 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25557 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25559 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25561 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25563 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25565 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25567 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25568 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25570 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25572 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25573 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25575 If God had really intended men to fly,
25576 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25579 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25580 have made them cute and furry.
25583 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25586 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25587 He would have given you bigger hands.
25589 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25590 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25592 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25594 If God is One, what is bad?
25597 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25599 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25602 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25605 If God wanted us to have a President,
25606 He would have sent us a candidate.
25607 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25609 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25610 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25612 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25615 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25616 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25618 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25619 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25620 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25621 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25623 If he should ever change his faith,
25624 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25626 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25627 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25629 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25632 If I could read your mind, love,
25633 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25634 Just like a paperback novel,
25635 The kind the drugstore sells,
25636 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25637 The hero would be me,
25639 You won't read that book again, because
25640 the ending is just too hard to take.
25642 I walk away, like a movie star,
25643 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25645 A movie queen to play the scene
25646 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25647 But for now, love, let's be real
25648 I never thought I could act this way,
25649 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25650 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25651 And I just can't get it back...
25652 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25654 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25655 I would spill it all over the stage.
25656 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25657 Would you think the boy was strange?
25660 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25661 Suicide right on the stage,
25662 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25663 Would it help to ease the pain?
25665 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25667 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25670 If I don't drive around the park,
25671 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25672 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25673 I may get back my looks again.
25674 If I abstain from fun and such,
25675 I'll probably amount to much;
25676 But I shall stay the way I am,
25677 Because I do not give a damn.
25680 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25682 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25683 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25684 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25685 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25686 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25688 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25690 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25691 got to be a better way.
25692 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25694 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25695 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25696 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25698 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25701 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25702 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25705 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25706 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25708 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25709 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25710 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25711 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25712 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25713 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25714 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25715 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25716 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25717 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25718 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25719 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25720 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25721 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25722 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25723 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25725 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25728 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25729 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25731 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25733 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25734 shoulders of giants.
25737 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25738 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25741 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25745 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25748 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25749 stand on each other's toes.
25752 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25753 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25754 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25757 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25760 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25761 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25762 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25764 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25765 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
25767 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25768 just couldn't help myself.
25771 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25772 -- Alan Parsons Project
25774 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25775 I'm an engineer working on something.
25778 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25780 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25781 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25782 Murphy would be there to tell me
25783 The pot's at the other end.
25786 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25788 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25789 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25792 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25793 because I can't swim.
25796 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25797 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25800 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25802 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25805 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25806 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25808 If in doubt, mumble.
25810 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25812 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25814 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25815 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25817 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25818 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25819 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25821 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25823 If it heals good, say it.
25825 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25826 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25829 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25831 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25834 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25837 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25839 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25841 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
25843 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
25844 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
25846 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
25847 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
25848 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
25849 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
25850 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
25853 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
25855 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
25857 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
25859 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
25861 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
25863 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
25865 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
25866 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
25870 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
25871 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
25872 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
25873 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
25874 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
25875 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
25876 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
25877 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
25879 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
25880 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
25881 -- Karl Marx's Mother
25883 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
25885 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
25887 If life is merely a joke, the question
25888 still remains: for whose amusement?
25890 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
25892 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
25895 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
25896 you've got in the house.
25897 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
25899 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
25902 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
25903 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
25905 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
25908 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
25910 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
25911 -- Mary Wilson Little
25913 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
25914 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
25916 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
25917 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
25920 If men are not afraid to die,
25921 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
25923 If men live in constant fear of dying,
25924 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
25925 Who will dare to break the law?
25927 There is always an official executioner.
25928 If you try to take his place,
25929 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
25930 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
25931 you will only hurt your hand.
25932 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
25934 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
25936 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
25937 be a merrier world.
25938 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
25940 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
25941 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
25942 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
25943 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
25945 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
25946 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
25949 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
25950 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
25951 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
25952 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
25953 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
25954 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
25955 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
25956 get an unfair advantage.
25957 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
25959 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
25962 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
25964 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
25966 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
25969 If only God would give me some clear sign!
25970 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
25971 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
25973 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
25975 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
25977 If only you knew she loved you, you could
25978 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
25980 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
25982 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
25983 -- George Bernard Shaw
25985 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
25986 he should see how bad it is with representation.
25988 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
25989 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
25992 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
25993 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
25996 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
25997 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
25999 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26001 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26002 will take sandwiches.
26005 Eats first, morals after.
26006 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26008 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26009 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26012 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26013 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26015 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26017 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26018 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26019 an optional preceding '+').
26022 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26023 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26026 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26027 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26029 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26031 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26033 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26035 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26038 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26040 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26041 Eating components of soured milk.
26042 On at least one occasion,
26043 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26044 Or at least in her vicinity,
26045 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26046 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26047 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26049 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26050 pool cues, who would win?
26053 3) The television viewing public
26056 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26059 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26060 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26061 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26062 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26065 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26069 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26071 Their romance might have flourished.
26072 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26074 Love could not help but die,
26075 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
26077 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26080 If some people didn't tell you,
26081 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26083 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26084 one day, I would have studied harder.
26085 -- Pope John Paul I
26087 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26089 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26090 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26092 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26095 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
26096 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26098 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26099 presumably flunk it.
26102 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26103 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26104 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26105 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26107 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26108 this would be a better world.
26109 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26111 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26114 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26115 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26116 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26117 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26118 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26119 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26120 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26121 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26122 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26123 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26124 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26125 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26126 put on a professor.
26127 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26129 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26130 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26131 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26133 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
26135 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26138 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26139 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26142 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26144 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26147 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26148 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26150 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26151 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26153 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26154 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26156 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26157 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26159 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26160 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26162 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26164 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26166 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26167 I would have recommended something simpler.
26168 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26169 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26171 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26172 the lives of both have been wasted.
26174 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26175 then this sentence would not be false.
26177 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26178 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
26181 If the odds are a million to one against something
26182 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
26184 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
26187 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
26188 what a living the poor could make!
26190 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
26192 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
26193 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
26196 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
26198 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
26199 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
26200 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
26201 paper folding, or something.
26204 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
26205 -- Chief Dan George
26207 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
26208 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
26209 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
26210 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
26211 -- Reverend Chichester
26213 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
26215 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
26216 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
26218 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
26219 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
26223 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
26224 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
26226 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
26227 can't afford divorce.
26230 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
26233 If there is no wind, row.
26236 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
26237 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
26240 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
26242 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
26243 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
26244 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
26245 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
26247 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
26248 something out of you.
26251 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
26253 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
26254 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
26255 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
26259 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
26260 him because they don't like his necktie.
26261 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
26263 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
26265 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
26267 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
26270 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
26272 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
26275 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
26278 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
26279 doing the thinking.
26280 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26282 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
26284 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26286 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
26287 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
26288 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
26290 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
26291 -- Ernest Hemingway
26293 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
26294 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
26296 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
26298 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26299 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
26301 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
26303 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
26304 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
26306 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
26307 all be millionaires.
26308 -- Abigail Van Buren
26310 If we do not change our direction we are
26311 likely to end up where we are headed.
26313 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
26316 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
26320 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
26321 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
26322 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
26323 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
26326 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
26327 It's the light of an oncoming train.
26330 If we spoke a different language, we
26331 would perceive a somewhat different world.
26334 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
26335 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
26338 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
26340 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
26343 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
26345 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
26347 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
26349 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
26350 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
26351 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
26352 -- Marguerite Emmons
26354 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
26356 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
26357 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
26358 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
26359 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
26362 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
26363 -- Aristotle Onassis
26365 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
26366 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
26367 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
26370 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
26371 Quit work and play for once!
26373 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
26376 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
26377 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
26379 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
26380 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
26383 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
26386 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
26388 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
26389 good, you will get out of it.
26391 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
26392 your honesty is corrupt.
26394 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
26395 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
26396 -- Abigail Van Buren
26398 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
26399 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
26402 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
26403 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
26405 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
26407 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
26408 by your parents, we will cash your check.
26410 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
26411 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
26414 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
26415 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
26417 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
26419 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
26421 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
26422 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
26424 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
26427 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
26428 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
26430 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
26432 If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
26435 If you can read this, you're too close.
26437 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
26439 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
26442 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
26443 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
26444 -- Edwin Schrodinger
26446 If you can't be good, be careful.
26447 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
26449 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
26451 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
26453 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
26455 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
26456 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
26458 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
26460 If you catch a man, throw him back.
26461 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
26463 If you continually give you will continually have.
26465 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
26466 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
26468 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
26470 If you didn't have most of your friends,
26471 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
26473 If you didn't have to work so hard,
26474 you'd have more time to be depressed.
26476 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
26479 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
26480 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
26483 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
26485 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26487 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26489 -- Mordecai Richler
26491 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26492 would have happened if you had done it.
26494 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26496 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26498 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26501 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26504 If you don't have the time right now,
26505 will you have redo right time later?
26507 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26508 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26510 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26512 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26514 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26517 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26518 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26520 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26521 Lavoris in the toilet.
26524 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26526 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26527 either of you for the rest of the day.
26529 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26530 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26532 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26533 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
26534 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26535 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
26536 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26537 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26538 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
26539 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26540 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26541 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26542 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26543 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26544 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26545 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26546 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26547 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26548 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26549 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26550 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26553 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26556 If you explain something so clearly that no
26557 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26559 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26561 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26562 the solution may become your next problem.
26564 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26566 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26567 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26568 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26570 If you fool around with something long
26571 enough, it will eventually break.
26573 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26575 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26576 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26577 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26579 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26580 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26581 -- Winston Churchill
26583 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26584 so as not to disturb those around you.
26586 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26587 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26591 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26593 If you had better tools, you could more
26594 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26596 If you had just one moment to live
26597 And they granted you one special wish
26598 Would you ask for something
26599 Like another chance.
26600 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26602 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26603 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26605 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26607 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26610 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26612 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26613 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26614 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26615 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26616 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26617 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26618 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26619 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26620 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26621 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26623 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26625 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26628 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26630 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26633 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26635 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26637 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26638 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26639 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26642 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26643 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26646 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26647 yourself in the posterior.
26648 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26650 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26652 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26656 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26658 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26661 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26664 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26665 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26668 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26669 365 useless things.
26671 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26674 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26676 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26679 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26680 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26682 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26683 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26686 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26687 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26688 -- Garrison Keillor
26690 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26691 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26693 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26694 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26696 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26697 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26698 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26700 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26701 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26703 If you love someone, set them free.
26704 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26706 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26707 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26709 If you make a mistake you right it
26710 immediately to the best of your ability.
26712 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26713 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26714 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26716 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26717 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26719 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26720 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26723 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
26724 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
26726 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26729 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26730 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26732 If you need anything just whistle.
26733 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26734 Just put your lips together and blow.
26735 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26737 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26738 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26740 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26743 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26744 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26747 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26748 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26751 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26752 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26755 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26756 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26757 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
26759 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26761 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26762 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26763 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26766 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26770 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26771 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26772 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26773 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26774 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26775 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26776 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26779 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26781 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26783 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26784 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26785 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26787 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26789 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26790 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26791 -- Swami Prabhupada
26793 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26796 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26798 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26800 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26801 many it's research.
26804 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26805 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26808 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26809 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26810 Or some joker who is slicker,
26811 Will trick you of your liquor,
26812 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26814 If you stick your head in the sand,
26815 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26817 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26819 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26823 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26824 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26827 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26830 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26832 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26833 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26835 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26836 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26838 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26839 try missing a couple of car payments.
26842 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
26843 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
26846 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
26847 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
26850 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
26853 If you think the system is working,
26854 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
26856 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
26857 shopping center in the world?
26858 -- Richard M. Nixon
26860 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
26861 lack sufficient imagination.
26863 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
26864 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
26865 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
26867 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
26868 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
26869 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
26870 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
26871 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
26873 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
26874 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
26875 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
26876 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
26877 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
26880 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
26881 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
26884 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
26885 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
26886 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
26888 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
26889 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
26891 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
26893 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
26896 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
26897 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
26899 If you want divine justice, die.
26902 If you want me to be a good little bunny
26903 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
26906 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
26909 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
26910 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
26913 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
26915 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
26919 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
26922 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
26924 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
26928 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
26929 -- Harry Blackstone
26931 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
26932 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
26933 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
26934 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
26935 the word "National".
26938 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
26939 you say, talk in your sleep.
26941 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
26942 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
26943 even if they don't know what it means.
26944 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
26946 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
26948 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
26949 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
26952 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
26953 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
26954 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
26955 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
26958 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
26960 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
26962 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
26963 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
26966 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
26967 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
26968 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
26969 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
26970 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
26971 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
26972 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
26973 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
26974 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
26975 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
26978 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
26980 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
26981 -- Benjamin Franklin
26983 If you would understand your own age, read the works
26984 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
26986 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
26987 Bed down with a pretty girl.
26990 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
26992 If your bread is stale, make toast.
26994 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
26995 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
26996 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
26998 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
26999 I guess you do have a problem.
27000 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27002 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27004 If your mind grows weak,
27005 Don't yield to the weakness.
27006 Even if tired of thought,
27007 Never stop thinking.
27008 My sons and descendants,
27009 Don't get exhausted in reason--
27010 But become experienced.
27011 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
27013 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27014 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27016 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27018 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27019 longer be fantasies.
27022 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27023 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27026 If you're careful enough, nothing
27027 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27029 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27030 The Olympics are over.
27032 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27033 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27035 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27036 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27038 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
27040 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27041 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27043 If you're going to do something tonight
27044 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27047 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27049 If you're happy, you're successful.
27051 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27053 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27054 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27056 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27058 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27059 As well as by traffic and crime,
27060 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27061 Though living on burrowed time.
27062 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27064 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27065 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27066 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27068 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27072 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27073 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27074 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27076 Ignorance is bliss.
27079 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27080 BLISS is ignorance.
27082 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27083 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27084 -- Franklin K. Dane
27086 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27088 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27089 so resolutely pursuing it.
27091 Ignore previous fortune.
27093 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27094 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27095 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27096 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27098 "Through the Looking-Glass,
27099 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
27102 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27103 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
27104 it. Neither will Iles.
27106 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27109 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27111 I'll burn my books.
27112 -- Christopher Marlowe
27114 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27115 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27116 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
27117 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27119 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27121 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27123 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27124 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27125 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27127 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27128 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27129 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27130 And in our bound partition never part.
27131 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27133 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27134 I play just what I feel.
27135 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27136 And die behind the wheel.
27137 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27138 I want a name when I lose.
27139 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27140 Call me Deacon Blues.
27141 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27143 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27146 I'll never get off this planet.
27149 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27151 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27152 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
27153 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27155 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27156 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27158 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27162 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27165 Illegitimi non carborundum
27166 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27168 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27169 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27171 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27173 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27176 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27177 that I could have evolved from man.
27179 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27180 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27181 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27182 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27183 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27184 Ellen up a steep incline.
27185 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27186 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27187 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
27188 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
27189 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
27190 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
27191 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
27192 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
27193 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
27194 that Kirk talked strangely.
27195 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
27196 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
27197 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
27198 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
27199 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
27200 physical exam to answer the alert.
27202 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
27203 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
27205 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
27207 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
27208 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
27209 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
27211 I'm all for computer dating, but I
27212 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
27214 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
27215 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
27218 I'm always looking for a new idea that
27219 will be more productive than its cost.
27220 -- David Rockefeller
27223 But it's not what I really want to do.
27224 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
27225 I know what you're going to say --
27226 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
27227 All right! But it's what I want to do.
27228 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
27230 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
27233 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
27234 that I could have been created by man.
27236 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
27237 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
27238 I'll tell some power broker
27239 What they did for Iacocca
27240 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
27241 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
27242 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
27243 When they hand a million grand out,
27244 I'll be standing with my hand out,
27245 Yessir, I'll get mine!
27248 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
27250 "I'm dying," he croaked.
27251 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
27252 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
27253 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
27254 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
27255 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
27256 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
27257 "You snake," she rattled.
27258 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
27259 "Company's coming," she guessed.
27260 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
27261 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
27262 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
27263 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
27264 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
27265 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
27267 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
27270 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
27273 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
27275 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
27276 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
27278 I'm glad that I'm an American,
27279 I'm glad that I am free,
27280 But I wish I were a little doggy,
27281 And McGovern were a tree.
27283 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
27284 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
27287 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
27288 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
27289 > And in LA it's 72.
27291 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
27292 is a million percent.
27293 > And in LA it's 72.
27295 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
27296 > And in LA there are 72.
27298 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
27301 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
27304 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
27307 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
27310 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
27311 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
27314 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
27316 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
27317 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
27319 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
27320 I've missed your special date.
27321 Please say that you're not mad at me
27322 My tax return is late.
27323 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
27325 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
27329 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
27330 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
27331 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
27332 She's traversed me seven times before.
27333 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
27334 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
27335 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
27336 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
27337 N-ary the tree I am.
27338 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
27340 I'm not a lovable man.
27341 -- Richard M. Nixon
27343 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
27344 with twenty-eight years ago.
27347 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
27351 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
27352 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
27354 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
27356 I'm not offering myself as an example;
27357 every life evolves by its own laws.
27359 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
27363 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
27365 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
27366 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
27368 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
27370 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
27374 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
27375 that some thinkle peep I am.
27376 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
27378 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
27379 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
27380 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
27381 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
27382 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
27383 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
27384 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
27385 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
27388 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
27389 totally unprepared for everyday life.
27391 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
27392 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
27395 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
27396 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
27398 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
27399 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
27400 -- English Professor, Providence College
27402 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
27404 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
27406 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
27407 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
27408 you being a dumbass.
27409 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
27411 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
27413 I'm sorry I missed.
27416 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
27418 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
27420 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
27421 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
27423 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
27424 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
27425 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
27426 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
27427 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
27429 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
27430 like pigeons and Catholics.
27433 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
27436 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
27439 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
27440 -- Jules de Gaultier
27442 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
27443 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
27444 thinks of complaining.
27445 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
27447 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
27448 It would mean political ruin.
27451 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
27452 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
27453 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
27454 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
27455 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
27457 "Is it PC compatible?"
27459 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
27460 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
27462 Imagine what we can imagine!
27463 -- Arthur Rubinstein
27465 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
27468 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
27469 In order for something to become clean, something else must
27470 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
27473 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
27476 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
27478 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
27480 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
27483 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
27484 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
27486 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27489 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27490 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27491 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27492 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27495 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27496 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27497 conflicting opinions.
27498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27500 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27501 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27502 Boss is reading it.
27505 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27506 (2) I can't be bothered;
27507 (3) God can't be bothered.
27508 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27509 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27511 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27514 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27517 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27518 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27520 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27523 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27524 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27525 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27526 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27527 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27529 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27530 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27532 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27533 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27534 more to its liking.
27536 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27537 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27540 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27542 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27543 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27545 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27546 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27548 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27549 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27550 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27551 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27553 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27554 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27558 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27559 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27561 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27562 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27564 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27565 other really likes.
27566 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27568 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27569 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27570 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27571 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27572 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27574 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27575 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27576 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27578 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27579 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27582 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27583 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27584 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27585 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27586 superior to Tops10.
27588 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27589 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27591 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27592 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27593 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27595 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27596 of the risks he takes.
27597 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
27599 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27600 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27601 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27602 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27603 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27604 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27606 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27607 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27611 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27613 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27615 -- The Peter Principle
27617 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27618 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27621 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27622 are to be treated as variables.
27624 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27625 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27627 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27628 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27631 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27634 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27635 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27637 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27638 the cows are known sluts.
27641 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27642 made the World Series just something that came later.
27643 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27645 In buying horses and taking a wife
27646 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27648 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27649 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27650 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27651 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27652 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27654 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27655 it into television shows.
27656 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27658 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27660 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27661 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27663 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27664 -- The Kidner Report
27666 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27668 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27669 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27671 In charity there is no excess.
27674 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27675 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27676 be free of subjugation.
27677 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27679 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27680 This is called Monotony.
27682 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27683 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27684 to get her attention.
27686 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27688 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27689 in any motor vehicle.
27691 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27692 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27694 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27697 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27699 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27700 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27701 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27702 In speech, be true.
27703 In work, be competent.
27704 In action, be careful of your timing.
27707 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27708 programming languages.
27710 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27711 -- Thomas Jefferson
27713 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27714 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27716 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27717 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27718 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27719 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27722 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27724 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27725 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27726 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27727 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27728 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27730 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27731 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27733 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27734 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27735 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27736 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27737 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27738 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27739 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27741 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27743 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27744 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27747 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27748 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27750 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27751 In all the others all she loves is love.
27752 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27754 In high school in Brooklyn
27755 I was the baseball manager,
27756 proud as I could be
27757 I chased baseballs,
27758 gathered thrown bats
27759 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27760 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27761 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27762 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27763 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27764 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27765 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27766 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27767 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27768 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27769 I still recall that jacket
27770 and the memory goes on hurting.
27771 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27773 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27774 afterwards that causes the problems.
27777 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27780 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27781 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27782 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27785 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27786 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27787 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27788 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27790 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27792 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27793 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27794 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27796 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27797 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27800 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27803 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27806 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27809 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27810 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27811 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27813 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27814 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27816 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27817 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27818 have obtained from books of travel.
27821 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27822 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27823 -- Thomas Jefferson
27825 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27828 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27829 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27831 In most instances, all an argument
27832 proves is that two people are present.
27834 In my end is my beginning.
27835 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27837 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27838 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27839 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27841 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27842 becoming pure energy.
27843 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
27845 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
27846 punishments, there are consequences.
27849 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
27850 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
27851 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
27853 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
27854 a practice which is still continued.
27857 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
27859 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
27860 you're what's left.
27862 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
27864 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
27865 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
27867 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
27869 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
27871 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
27872 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
27873 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27875 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
27876 Court decision and violent revolution.
27877 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
27879 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
27881 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
27882 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
27883 -- John Diefenbaker
27885 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
27886 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
27888 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
27889 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
27892 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
27893 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
27896 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
27897 want the other person.
27898 -- Margaret Anderson
27900 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
27902 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
27904 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
27905 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
27906 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
27907 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
27908 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
27909 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
27911 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
27912 merger be that far off?
27913 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
27915 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
27916 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
27917 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
27918 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
27919 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27921 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
27924 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
27925 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
27926 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
27927 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
27928 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
27929 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
27930 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
27932 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
27933 is over six feet in length.
27935 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
27936 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
27938 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
27940 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
27942 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
27945 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
27948 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
27951 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
27952 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
27953 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
27955 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
27956 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
27957 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
27958 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
27959 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
27961 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
27962 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
27963 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
27965 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
27967 "In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
27968 opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
27969 -- Benjamin Franklin
27971 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
27972 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
27974 In the beginning was the word.
27975 But by the time the second word was added to it,
27977 For with it came syntax ...
27980 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
27981 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
27982 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
27983 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
27984 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
27985 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
27986 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
27987 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
27988 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
27990 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
27991 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
27992 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
27995 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
27996 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
27998 In the days of old,
27999 When Knights were bold,
28000 And women were too cautious;
28001 Oh, those gallant days,
28002 When women were women,
28003 And men were really obnoxious.
28005 In the dimestores and bus stations
28006 People talk of situations
28007 Read books repeat quotations
28008 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28011 In the early morning queue,
28012 With a listing in my hand.
28013 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28014 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28015 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28016 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28017 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28018 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28019 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28020 I've moved up one at last.
28021 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28022 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28024 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28027 In the first place, God made idiots;
28028 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28031 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28032 the proper order then why can't he?
28034 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28037 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28038 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28040 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28043 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28044 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28047 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28048 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28049 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28051 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28054 In the long run we are all dead.
28055 -- John Maynard Keynes
28057 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28058 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28059 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28061 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28062 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28064 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28065 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28066 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28067 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28068 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28069 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28072 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28074 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28076 In the next world, you're on your own.
28078 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28079 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28080 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28082 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28083 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28085 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28086 the sound of those drums."
28087 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28088 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28090 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28091 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28092 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28093 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28094 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28095 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28096 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28098 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28099 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28100 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28101 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28102 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28105 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28106 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28107 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28108 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28109 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28110 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28111 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28114 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28115 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28116 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28118 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28120 In the time of peace and harmony
28121 Be a kind-hearted friend.
28122 In the time of conflict with enemies
28123 Be a falcon of advance and attack.
28124 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
28126 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28127 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28130 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28132 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28133 In practice, there is.
28135 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28140 Your head grows bald
28144 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28145 -- Benjamin Franklin
28147 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28148 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28151 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28152 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28154 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28155 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28158 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
28160 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
28162 -- Winston Churchill
28164 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
28165 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
28166 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28168 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
28169 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
28171 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
28172 A stately pleasure dome decree,
28173 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
28174 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
28175 Down to a sunless C.
28177 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
28180 In war, truth is the first casualty.
28183 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
28184 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
28186 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
28188 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
28191 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
28192 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
28194 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
28195 A stately pleasure dome decree:
28196 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
28197 Through caverns measureless to man
28198 Down to a sunless sea.
28199 So twice five miles of fertile ground
28200 With walls and towers were girdled round:
28201 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
28202 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
28203 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
28204 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
28205 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
28207 In youth, it was a way I had
28208 To do my best to please,
28209 And change, with every passing lad,
28210 To suit his theories.
28212 But now I know the things I know,
28213 And do the things I do;
28214 And if you do not like me so,
28215 To hell, my love, with you!
28216 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
28219 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
28220 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
28221 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
28222 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
28227 Increased knowledge will help you now.
28228 Have mate's phone bugged.
28231 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
28232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28234 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
28236 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
28237 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
28238 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
28242 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
28243 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
28245 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
28246 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
28247 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
28250 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
28252 Individualists unite!
28254 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
28255 advance; insufferable in victory.
28256 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28259 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
28260 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
28261 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28264 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
28265 in Constantinople, one who does.
28266 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28268 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
28270 Information Center, n.:
28271 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
28272 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
28274 Information is the inverse of entropy.
28276 Information Processing:
28277 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
28278 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
28280 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28282 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
28283 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
28284 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
28285 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
28286 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
28288 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
28289 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
28290 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
28294 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28296 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
28297 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
28300 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
28301 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
28304 On a Bucharest elevator:
28306 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
28307 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
28311 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
28313 Various signs in Poland:
28315 Right turn toward immediate outside.
28317 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
28319 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
28321 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
28323 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
28324 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
28327 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
28330 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
28331 and then complains of indigestion.
28333 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
28334 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
28337 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
28338 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
28339 promote intellectual crime.
28340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28342 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
28344 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
28349 Innovation is hard to schedule.
28355 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
28356 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
28359 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
28361 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
28362 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
28365 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
28368 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
28369 the person who told it to you.
28371 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
28373 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
28375 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
28378 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
28380 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
28381 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
28382 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
28383 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
28384 -- The Best of Will Rogers
28386 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
28389 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
28390 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
28391 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
28392 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
28393 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
28396 Integrity has no need for rules.
28398 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
28401 Intellect annuls Fate.
28402 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
28403 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28405 Interchangeable parts won't.
28408 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
28409 burned out employees must feign.
28411 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
28412 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
28413 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
28414 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
28417 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
28418 best at, that's what I say.
28422 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
28423 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
28424 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
28425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28427 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
28430 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
28432 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
28437 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
28439 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
28441 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
28443 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
28444 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
28448 It's off to disk I go,
28449 A bit or byte to read or write,
28452 IOT trap -- core dumped
28454 IOT trap -- mos dumped
28456 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
28459 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
28460 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
28461 little paper envelopes.
28463 Iron Law of Distribution:
28464 Them that has, gets.
28467 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
28468 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
28470 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
28471 -- Douglas Hofstadter
28473 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
28475 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
28477 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
28479 Is death legally binding?
28481 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
28482 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
28485 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
28488 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28490 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28491 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28492 and such as are out wish to get in?
28493 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28495 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28496 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28498 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28501 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28503 Is there life before breakfast?
28505 Is this really happening?
28507 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28509 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28510 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28512 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28513 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28514 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
28516 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28517 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28518 -- Kelvin Throop III
28520 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28521 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28522 would make them better prospects?
28524 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28528 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28529 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28532 A solution in search of a problem!
28534 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28535 The Course of Progress:
28536 Most things get steadily worse.
28537 The Path of Progress:
28538 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28540 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28541 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28542 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28543 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28544 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28545 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28546 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28547 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28548 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28549 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28550 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28552 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28553 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28556 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28557 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28558 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28559 And empty holes it fills.
28560 It comes first and follows after,
28561 Ends life, kills laughter.
28563 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28564 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28565 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28566 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28567 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28568 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28569 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28570 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28571 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28572 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28574 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28575 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28576 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28577 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28578 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28579 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28581 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28582 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28584 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28585 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28586 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28587 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28588 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28589 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28591 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28593 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28595 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28596 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28598 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28599 done and what you're going to do.
28601 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28603 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28604 next morning it was someone else.
28607 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28608 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28609 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28610 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28611 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28613 It gets late early out there.
28616 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28617 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28619 It hangs down from the chandelier
28620 Nobody knows quite what it does
28621 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28622 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28624 It grows a couple of feet each day
28625 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28626 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28627 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28628 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28630 It happened long ago
28631 In the new magic land
28632 The Indians and the buffalo
28633 Existed hand in hand
28634 The Indians needed food
28635 They need skins for a roof
28636 The only took what they needed
28637 And the buffalo ran loose
28638 But then came the white man
28639 With his thick and empty head
28640 He couldn't see past his billfold
28641 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28642 It was sad, oh so sad.
28643 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28645 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28646 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28647 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28648 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28649 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28650 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28652 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28653 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28654 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28657 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28658 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28659 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28660 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28662 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28663 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28665 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28667 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28668 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28669 -- Bertrand Russell
28671 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28672 and getting people under the influence.
28675 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28677 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28678 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28679 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28680 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28681 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28682 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28683 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28684 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28685 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28686 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28687 competence will be quite enough.
28688 -- The Underground Grammarian
28690 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28691 little things are infinitely the most important.
28692 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28694 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28695 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28696 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28697 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28699 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28700 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28703 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28704 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28705 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28709 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28710 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28711 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28713 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28714 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28715 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28717 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28719 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28722 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28723 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28726 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28727 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28728 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28729 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28730 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28731 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28732 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28733 three more than the schedule allowed.
28734 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28735 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28736 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28737 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28738 their thumbs for ten months.
28739 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28740 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28741 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28742 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28743 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28744 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28745 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
28747 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28748 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28750 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28751 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28752 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28755 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28758 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28759 but you should let go of it now and then.
28762 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28763 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28764 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28766 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28768 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28769 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28770 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28773 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28774 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28775 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28776 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28777 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28778 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28779 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28781 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28782 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28783 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28785 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
28787 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28788 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28790 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28791 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28793 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28796 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28800 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28801 One in a million, perhaps.
28803 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28805 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28807 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28809 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28811 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28813 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28815 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28817 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28819 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28821 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28824 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28826 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28828 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28829 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28831 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28833 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28834 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28837 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28838 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28839 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28841 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28842 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
28845 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
28846 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
28847 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28849 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
28853 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
28854 depends upon his not understanding it.
28857 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
28859 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
28860 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
28861 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
28864 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
28866 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
28868 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
28870 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
28871 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
28872 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
28873 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
28874 attention, the harder the task.
28875 -- Sydney J. Harris
28877 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
28879 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
28882 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
28884 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
28885 -- George Santayana
28887 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
28888 -- Leonardo da Vinci
28890 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
28892 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
28894 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
28897 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
28898 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
28899 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
28901 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
28902 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
28903 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
28904 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
28906 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
28907 referring to scheduling.]
28909 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
28910 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
28913 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
28914 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
28915 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
28917 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
28919 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
28921 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
28925 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
28928 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
28930 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
28931 innovative maneuvers.
28933 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
28934 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
28935 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
28937 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
28938 -- Robert Storm Petersen
28940 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
28941 love does not lie in the ear.
28944 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
28945 Boulevard at one time.
28947 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
28949 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
28950 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
28951 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
28952 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
28953 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
28955 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
28957 It is impossible to defend perfectly
28958 against the attack of those who want to die.
28960 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
28961 unless one has plenty of work to do.
28962 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
28964 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
28968 It is impossible to make anything
28969 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
28971 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
28972 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
28976 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
28978 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
28979 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
28982 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
28983 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
28984 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
28986 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
28987 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
28988 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
28989 like a happy married life.
28992 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
28993 offense consists in doubting it.
28994 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
28996 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
28997 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28999 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29000 when you know nothing about the problem.
29002 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29004 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29005 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29006 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29007 -- George Bernard Shaw
29009 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29012 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29014 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29015 that makes life blessed.
29016 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
29018 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29019 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29020 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29022 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29024 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29026 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29027 The main thing is to use it well.
29030 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29031 we should also have the management of them.
29032 -- La Rochefoucauld
29034 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29037 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29038 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29039 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29041 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29042 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29045 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29046 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29047 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29048 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
29049 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
29050 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29051 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29053 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29054 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29055 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29057 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29058 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29059 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29060 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29061 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29062 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29063 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29067 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29068 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29069 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29070 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29071 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29072 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29073 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29074 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29075 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29077 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29078 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29080 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29082 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29083 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29087 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29088 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29090 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29093 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29094 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29095 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29098 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29101 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29102 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29105 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29106 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29107 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
29109 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29110 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29114 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29115 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29116 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29117 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29118 should be used in its proper place.
29119 -- Christopher Strachey
29121 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29122 -- Maimie Van Doren
29124 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29125 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29126 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29127 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29129 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29130 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29131 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29132 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29134 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
29135 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
29136 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
29137 day like any other day, only shorter.
29138 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
29140 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
29141 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
29142 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
29143 too, shall pass away."
29146 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
29147 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
29150 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
29151 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
29153 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
29154 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
29155 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
29157 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
29158 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
29160 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
29161 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
29162 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
29163 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
29164 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
29165 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
29166 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
29168 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
29169 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29171 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
29172 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
29173 until the other has gone.
29175 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
29178 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
29181 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
29182 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
29185 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
29186 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
29188 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
29191 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
29193 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
29194 lives, works and has his being.
29197 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
29198 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
29199 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
29201 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
29203 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
29205 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
29206 It produces a false impression.
29209 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
29210 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29212 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
29215 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
29216 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
29218 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
29220 It isn't easy being green.
29223 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
29224 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
29227 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
29231 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
29232 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
29234 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
29235 to Grandmother's condo.
29237 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
29238 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
29239 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
29241 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
29243 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
29244 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
29245 -- Princess Leia Organa
29247 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
29248 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
29249 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
29251 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
29252 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
29254 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
29255 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
29256 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
29258 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
29262 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
29263 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
29265 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
29266 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
29269 It may be that your whole purpose in life
29270 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
29272 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
29274 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
29275 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
29276 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
29277 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
29278 in those who would gain by the new ones.
29279 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
29281 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
29282 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
29283 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
29286 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
29288 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
29290 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
29291 one's life and then come round.
29292 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
29294 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
29296 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
29297 they'll come out for it.
29298 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
29301 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
29302 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
29304 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
29305 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
29307 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
29309 It seems a little silly now, but this country
29310 was founded as a protest against taxation.
29312 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
29313 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
29314 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
29315 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
29316 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
29317 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
29319 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
29322 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
29325 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
29326 language named "research student".
29328 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
29330 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
29331 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
29332 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
29333 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
29334 average wife is like that.
29335 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
29337 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
29339 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
29341 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
29342 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
29344 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
29346 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
29348 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
29351 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
29353 It takes less time to do a thing right
29354 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
29355 -- H. W. Longfellow
29357 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
29359 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
29360 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
29361 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
29362 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
29363 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
29364 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
29365 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
29366 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
29368 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
29369 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
29372 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
29373 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
29374 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
29375 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
29376 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
29377 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
29379 It used to be the fun was in
29380 The capture and kill.
29381 In another place and time
29382 I did it all for thrills.
29385 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
29388 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
29390 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
29392 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
29393 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
29394 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
29395 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
29397 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
29398 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
29399 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
29401 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
29404 It was all so different before everything changed.
29406 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
29407 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
29408 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
29410 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
29411 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
29414 It was one time too many
29416 It was all too much for me and you
29417 There was one way to go
29418 Nothing more we could do
29423 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
29425 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
29427 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
29429 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
29430 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
29431 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
29432 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
29433 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
29434 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
29435 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
29439 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
29440 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
29441 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
29442 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
29443 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
29444 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
29445 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
29446 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
29447 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
29448 would let me stay here for the night."
29449 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
29452 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
29453 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
29454 -- Hunter S. Thompson
29456 It was wonderful to find America, but it
29457 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
29460 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
29463 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
29464 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
29466 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
29467 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
29469 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
29470 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
29474 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
29475 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
29476 two things still safe to eat.
29479 It would be nice to be sure of anything
29480 the way some people are of everything.
29482 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
29485 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
29486 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
29487 are often slanted to the left.
29489 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29491 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29494 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29497 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29499 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29501 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29504 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29507 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29509 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29510 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29512 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29514 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29515 when you lose yours.
29518 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29521 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29522 -- Churchy La Femme
29524 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29526 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29529 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29530 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29531 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29532 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29533 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29534 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29535 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29536 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29537 have thought it up, I wonder?
29540 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29542 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29544 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
29547 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29548 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29550 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29552 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29554 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29557 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29558 but why do the rats always have to win?
29560 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29563 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
29566 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29568 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29570 It's clever, but is it art?
29572 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29574 "It's easier said than done."
29576 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29577 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29578 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29581 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29584 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29585 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29587 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29590 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29591 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29593 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29595 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29598 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29599 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29600 the ignorance of the community.
29603 It's faster horses,
29607 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29609 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29610 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29612 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29613 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29617 It's gonna be alright,
29618 It's almost midnight,
29619 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29621 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29622 even if most of them are bad.
29624 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29625 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29627 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29629 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29630 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29633 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29636 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29637 you're getting something off your chest.
29639 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29640 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29642 It's hard to think of you as the end
29643 result of millions of years of evolution.
29645 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29647 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29648 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29650 It's interesting to think that many quite
29651 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29653 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29654 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29655 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29656 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29658 It's just a jump to the left
29659 And then a step to the right.
29660 Put your hands on your hips
29661 You bring your knees in tight.
29662 But it's the pelvic thrust
29663 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
29665 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29667 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29669 It's just apartment house rules,
29670 So all you 'partment house fools
29671 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29672 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29673 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29675 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29678 It's later than you think.
29680 It's later than you think, the joint
29681 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29683 It's like deja vu all over again.
29690 and even the teddy bears
29693 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29694 you're going in the wrong direction.
29696 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29699 It's multiple choice time...
29703 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29704 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29707 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29708 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29711 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29713 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29714 a sickness you like.
29717 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29718 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29721 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29723 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29726 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29729 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29730 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29732 It's not easy being green.
29735 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29738 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29741 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29744 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29745 what you're taking for it...
29747 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29749 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29753 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29754 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29757 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29759 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29762 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29765 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29768 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29770 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29772 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29773 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29774 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29775 -- Sydney J. Harris
29777 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29778 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29781 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29782 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29783 elected governor of California.
29785 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29786 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29788 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29789 as a warning to others.
29791 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29792 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29795 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29797 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29799 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29800 society will take full responsibility for you.
29802 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29803 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29804 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29805 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29808 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29810 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29811 have been all over it.
29812 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29814 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29815 just to see if it's real,
29816 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29817 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29818 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29819 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29820 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29822 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29824 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29826 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29827 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29829 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29830 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29831 -- Franklin P. Jones
29833 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29834 boy gets another beer.
29837 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29839 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29840 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29842 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29843 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29844 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
29846 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
29847 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
29849 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
29850 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
29851 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
29852 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
29853 inevitably unsuccessful.
29854 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
29855 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
29856 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
29857 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
29858 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
29859 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
29860 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
29861 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
29862 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
29863 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
29864 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
29865 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
29866 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
29867 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
29868 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
29870 I've already told you more than I know.
29872 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
29874 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
29875 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
29877 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
29878 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
29881 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
29886 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
29889 I've been on this lonely road so long,
29890 Does anybody know where it goes,
29891 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
29893 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
29897 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
29898 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
29899 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
29900 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
29901 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
29902 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
29903 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
29904 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
29906 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
29907 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
29908 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
29909 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
29911 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
29912 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
29913 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
29915 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
29917 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
29918 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
29919 -- Dennie van Tassel
29921 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
29922 this little hole in the bottom ...
29925 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
29927 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
29930 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
29933 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
29936 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
29939 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
29942 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
29943 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
29945 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
29947 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
29950 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
29953 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
29956 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
29960 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
29963 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
29965 I've only got 12 cards.
29967 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
29968 -- Senator Claghorn
29970 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
29971 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
29972 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
29973 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
29974 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
29975 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
29977 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
29978 And from that full meridian of my glory
29979 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
29980 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
29981 And no man see me more.
29982 -- William Shakespeare
29984 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
29985 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
29986 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29988 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
29989 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
29990 legislature is in session.
29994 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
29995 ones; the meek the girls(the
29996 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
29997 all except the cold ones; the slim
29998 ones plump tiny tall)
30003 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30005 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30006 all except ones; the mean
30007 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30009 except the green ones
30012 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30013 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30016 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30017 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30018 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30020 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30021 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30022 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30023 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30024 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30025 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30026 television?" and "Good night".
30027 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30031 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30032 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30033 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30034 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30035 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30037 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30044 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30046 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30047 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30049 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30050 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30053 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30054 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30055 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30057 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30058 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30059 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30061 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30062 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30063 to you. You gonna pay it?
30066 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30067 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30070 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30072 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
30075 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30076 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30077 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30078 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30079 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30080 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30081 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30082 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30083 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30085 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30088 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30090 John Dame May Oscar
30091 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30092 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30093 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30096 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30098 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30100 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30101 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30102 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30103 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30104 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30105 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
30106 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
30107 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
30108 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
30110 Johnny Carson's Definition:
30111 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
30112 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
30113 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
30115 Johnson's First Law:
30116 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
30117 most inconvenient possible time.
30120 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
30122 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
30123 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
30125 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
30126 exciting people, and kill them.
30128 Join the march to save individuality!
30130 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
30131 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
30134 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
30135 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
30136 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
30137 importance of their original contribution.
30140 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
30143 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
30146 Joshu: What is the true Way?
30147 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
30149 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
30150 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
30151 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
30152 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
30153 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
30154 yourself as wide as the sky.
30156 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
30159 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
30161 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
30162 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
30163 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
30165 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
30166 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
30167 someone else's cash.
30168 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
30170 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
30173 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
30174 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
30175 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
30177 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
30178 6: It matches my eyes.
30179 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
30180 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
30181 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
30182 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
30183 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
30184 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
30186 Just a song before I go, Going through security
30187 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
30188 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
30189 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
30190 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
30191 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
30192 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
30193 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
30194 She helped me with my suitcase,
30195 She stands before my eyes,
30196 Driving me to the airport
30197 And to the friendly skies.
30198 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
30200 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
30201 (and nobody cares about it).
30202 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
30204 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
30205 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
30206 daydreams about women.
30207 -- George Bernard Shaw
30209 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
30210 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
30211 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
30212 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
30213 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
30214 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
30215 sense of respect for the whole truth.
30216 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
30218 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
30221 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
30223 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
30227 Just because the message may never be
30228 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
30230 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
30231 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
30233 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
30235 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
30238 Just because your doctor has a name for your
30239 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
30241 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
30243 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
30244 and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
30245 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
30247 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
30249 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
30250 get a prompt, type like hell.
30252 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
30253 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
30254 about his or her love affairs.
30257 Just machines to make big decisions,
30258 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
30259 We'll be clean when their work is done,
30260 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
30261 What a beautiful world this will be,
30262 What a glorious time to be free.
30263 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
30265 Just once, I wish we would encounter
30266 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
30267 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
30269 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
30270 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
30271 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
30273 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
30276 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
30277 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
30279 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
30280 As he landed his crew with care;
30281 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
30282 By a finger entwined in his hair.
30284 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
30285 That alone should encourage the crew.
30286 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
30287 What I tell you three times is true.'
30288 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
30290 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
30291 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
30294 Just to have it is enough.
30296 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
30297 of all the others, and then do what's best.
30298 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
30300 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
30302 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
30305 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
30306 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
30307 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
30308 Just can't remember who to send it to...
30310 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
30311 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
30312 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
30313 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
30314 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
30315 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
30317 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
30318 -- Michael J. Wagner
30320 Justice is incidental to law and order.
30324 A decision in your favor.
30326 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
30327 Cobol's wordy and confining;
30328 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
30329 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
30330 -- The Roguelet's ABC
30333 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
30334 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
30336 Kamikazes do it once.
30339 Where the men are men and so are the women!
30341 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
30344 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
30346 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
30347 package of snack food.
30349 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
30351 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
30354 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
30355 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
30357 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
30360 Men and nations will act rationally when
30361 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
30363 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
30364 exhausted all other alternatives.
30367 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
30368 Population density is inversely proportional
30369 to the square of the distance from the keg.
30372 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
30373 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
30375 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
30378 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
30380 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
30381 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
30382 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
30383 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
30384 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
30385 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
30387 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
30388 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
30390 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
30392 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
30394 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
30395 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
30396 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
30397 force is technically termed "car suck").
30398 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
30400 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
30401 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
30402 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
30403 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
30404 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
30405 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
30406 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
30407 in the head and knock you silly.
30409 Keep it short for pithy sake.
30411 Keep on keepin' on.
30413 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
30414 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
30417 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
30420 Keep the phase, baby.
30422 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
30424 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
30425 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
30426 at the end of six months.
30429 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
30431 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
30432 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
30433 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
30434 Your Feet on the Ground,
30435 Your Head on your Shoulders.
30436 Now... try to get something DONE!
30438 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
30439 -- Benjamin Franklin
30441 Keep your laws off my body!
30443 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
30444 Open it and you remove all doubt.
30446 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
30447 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
30448 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
30449 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
30450 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
30453 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
30454 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
30455 you've got to go broke.
30458 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
30461 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
30462 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
30463 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
30466 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
30467 traditions of sorcery and black art.
30469 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
30470 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
30471 and parking for the faculty.
30473 Kettering's Observation:
30474 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
30476 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
30478 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
30479 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
30480 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
30481 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
30482 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
30483 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
30484 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
30486 Kill a commy for your mommy.
30488 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
30490 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
30495 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
30500 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30504 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30505 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30508 An affliction of the blood.
30510 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30513 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30514 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
30516 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30517 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30518 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30521 Kinkler's First Law:
30522 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30524 Kinkler's Second Law:
30525 All the easy problems have been solved.
30527 Kirk to Enterprise...
30529 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30531 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30532 any of its streets.
30534 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30536 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30537 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30539 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30541 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30543 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30545 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30547 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30550 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30551 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30552 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30554 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30555 Butter up a friend.
30557 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30558 -- Winston Churchill
30560 Klatu barada nikto.
30562 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30564 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30568 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30570 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30571 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30573 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30574 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30577 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30579 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30582 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30583 causes of statistics.
30585 Knights are hardly worth it.
30586 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30592 Sam and Janet Evening...
30594 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30597 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30598 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30599 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30600 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30601 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30603 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30604 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30605 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30606 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30607 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30608 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30609 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30610 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30611 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30612 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30614 Knocked, you weren't in.
30617 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30625 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30627 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30631 Things you believe.
30633 Knowledge is power.
30636 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30637 -- Aleister Crowley
30639 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30641 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30642 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30643 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30644 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30645 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30648 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30650 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30651 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30652 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30655 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30656 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30657 From mud slides to brush fires.
30660 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30661 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30663 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30665 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30666 -- George Bernard Shaw
30671 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30673 Lactomangulation, n.:
30674 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30675 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30676 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30678 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30680 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30681 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30682 I come before you to stand behind you
30683 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30684 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30685 There will be a convention held in the
30686 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30687 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30688 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30689 It was a summer's day in winter,
30690 And the snow was raining fast,
30691 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30692 Stood sitting in the grass.
30693 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30694 Two dead men got up to fight.
30695 Three blind men to see fair play,
30696 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30697 Back to back, they faced each other,
30698 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30699 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30700 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30702 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30703 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30704 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30705 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30706 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30708 -- Billie Jean King
30710 Lady, lady, should you meet
30711 One whose ways are all discreet,
30712 One who murmurs that his wife
30713 Is the lodestar of his life,
30714 One who keeps assuring you
30715 That he never was untrue,
30716 Never loved another one...
30717 Lady, lady, better run!
30718 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30720 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30721 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30724 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30726 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30728 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30729 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30730 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30732 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30733 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30734 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30735 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30736 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30737 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30738 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30739 you would pin this on your white meat."
30742 Look to your stern!
30743 Your house is on fire,
30744 Your children will burn!
30745 So jump ye and sing, for
30746 The very first time
30747 The four lines above
30748 Have been put into rhyme.
30751 Laetrile is the pits.
30753 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30754 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30756 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30758 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30760 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30761 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30762 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30763 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30764 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30766 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30769 (1) Everything depends.
30770 (2) Nothing is always.
30771 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30773 Language is a virus from another planet.
30774 -- William Burroughs
30776 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30777 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30778 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30782 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30783 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30784 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30785 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30786 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30788 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30789 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30792 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30793 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30794 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30795 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30796 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30797 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30798 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30799 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30800 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30803 All laws are basically false.
30808 Last guys don't finish nice.
30809 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30811 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30812 the pillow was gone.
30815 Last night I met upon the stair
30816 A little man who wasn't there.
30817 He wasn't there again today.
30818 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30820 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30821 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30824 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30825 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30827 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30829 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30830 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30831 I don't remember what it was.
30834 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30836 Latin is a language,
30838 First it killed the Romans,
30839 And now it's killing me.
30841 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30843 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
30845 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
30847 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
30849 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
30851 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
30853 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
30857 No child throws up in the bathroom.
30859 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
30860 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
30862 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
30863 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
30864 -- Richard M. Nixon
30866 Law of Communications:
30867 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
30868 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
30869 area of misunderstanding.
30872 Experiments should be reproducible.
30873 They should all fail the same way.
30875 Law of Probable Dispersal:
30876 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
30878 Law of Selective Gravity:
30879 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
30881 Jenning's Corollary:
30882 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
30883 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
30886 He who hesitates is lunch.
30889 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
30891 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
30892 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
30894 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
30896 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
30898 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
30899 -- Otto von Bismarck
30901 Laws of Computer Programming:
30902 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
30903 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
30904 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
30905 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
30906 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
30907 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
30908 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
30909 the programmer who must maintain it.
30911 Laws of Serendipity:
30913 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
30915 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
30916 be engaged in making an inferior one.
30919 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
30923 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
30924 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
30925 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
30927 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
30930 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
30931 -- William Shakespeare
30933 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
30936 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
30937 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
30938 Is to keep the lightning out.
30939 But what these unobservant birds
30940 Have failed to notice is that herds
30941 Of bears may come with buns
30942 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
30944 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
30945 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
30946 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
30949 Marrying a pregnant woman.
30951 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
30952 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
30953 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
30954 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
30956 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
30958 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
30960 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
30962 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
30965 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
30966 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
30967 quicker you can do it.
30969 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
30970 everything else follows in the same way.
30973 Learning without thought is labor lost;
30974 thought without learning is perilous.
30977 Leave no stone unturned.
30981 Mother said there would be days like this,
30982 but she never said that there'd be so many!
30984 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
30986 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
30989 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
30990 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
30991 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
30992 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
30996 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
30997 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
30999 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31000 Proof (by induction):
31001 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31002 horses in that set are the same color.
31003 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31004 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31005 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31006 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31007 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31008 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31009 horses are the same color.
31010 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31011 Proof (by intimidation):
31012 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31013 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31014 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31015 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31016 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31017 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31018 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31019 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31021 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31023 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31025 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31027 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31028 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31029 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31030 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31032 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31033 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31034 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31035 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31037 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31038 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31039 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31040 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31041 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31044 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31046 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31049 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31051 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31052 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31054 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31055 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31059 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31060 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31061 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31062 Or bends with the remover to remove.
31063 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31064 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31065 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31066 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31067 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31068 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31069 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31070 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31071 If this be error and upon me proved,
31072 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31073 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
31075 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31077 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31078 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31080 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31081 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31082 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31083 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31084 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31085 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31086 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31087 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31091 Let my own body be exhausted,
31092 But not the wealth of my state.
31093 Let my mortal body vanish,
31094 But not the power of my state.
31095 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
31097 Let no guilty man escape.
31100 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
31102 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
31103 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
31105 Let sleeping dogs lie.
31108 Let the machine do the dirty work.
31109 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
31111 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
31114 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
31115 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
31117 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
31118 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
31121 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
31122 -- Benjamin Franklin
31124 Let us go then you and I
31125 while the night is laid out against the sky
31126 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
31128 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
31131 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
31132 The muttering retreats
31133 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
31134 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
31135 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
31136 Of insidious intent
31137 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
31138 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
31139 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
31143 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
31147 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
31148 but let us never fear to negotiate.
31151 Let us not look back in anger or forward
31152 in fear, but around us in awareness.
31155 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
31157 Let us treat men and women well;
31158 Treat them as if they were real;
31160 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
31162 Let your conscience be your guide.
31166 [The state, that's me.]
31169 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
31171 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
31172 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
31173 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
31174 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
31175 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
31176 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
31177 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
31179 Let's love each other slowly,
31180 reaching for a plane,
31181 of exquisite pleasure,
31185 Let's not complicate our relationship
31186 by trying to communicate with each other.
31188 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
31190 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
31193 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
31194 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
31195 Anguish. You would sue:
31197 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
31198 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
31199 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
31202 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
31203 cretin like yourself.
31205 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
31206 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
31207 a large cash settlement anyway.
31210 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
31211 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
31212 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
31213 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
31214 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
31215 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
31216 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
31217 It's not his money.
31218 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
31220 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
31224 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
31225 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
31226 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
31227 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
31228 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
31229 agricultural industry.
31232 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
31236 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
31237 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
31239 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
31241 Lewis's Law of Travel:
31242 The first piece of luggage out of the
31243 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
31245 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
31249 A lawyer with a roving commission.
31250 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31252 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
31256 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
31258 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
31259 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
31260 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
31262 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
31263 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31265 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
31266 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
31268 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
31269 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
31270 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
31271 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
31273 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
31274 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
31275 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
31276 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
31277 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
31280 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
31281 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
31282 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
31283 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
31287 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
31288 discovered to date.
31291 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31293 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
31297 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
31300 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
31303 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
31305 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
31307 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
31308 -- Miss November, 1966
31310 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
31313 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
31315 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
31316 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
31318 Life exists for no known purpose.
31320 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
31321 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
31322 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
31323 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
31326 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
31327 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
31328 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
31330 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
31331 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
31334 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
31335 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
31337 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
31338 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
31339 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
31340 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
31343 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
31345 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
31346 A medley of extemporania;
31347 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
31348 And I am Marie of Roumania.
31349 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
31351 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
31354 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
31356 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
31358 -- Charles Baudelaire
31360 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
31363 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
31364 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
31367 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
31369 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
31371 Life is an exciting business, and most
31372 exciting when it is lived for others.
31374 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
31376 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
31378 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
31380 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
31381 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
31383 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
31385 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
31387 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
31389 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
31392 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
31393 eat it nevertheless.
31396 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
31398 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
31400 Life is like a sewer.
31401 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
31404 Life is like a simile.
31406 Life is like a tin of sardines.
31407 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
31408 -- Beyond the Fringe
31410 Life is like an analogy.
31412 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
31413 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
31415 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
31416 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
31419 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
31420 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
31423 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
31424 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
31425 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
31427 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
31428 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
31430 Life is not for everyone.
31432 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
31433 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
31435 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
31436 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
31438 Life is the living you do,
31439 Death is the living you don't do.
31442 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
31444 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
31446 Life is too important to take seriously.
31449 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
31452 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
31455 Life is wasted on the living.
31456 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
31458 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
31459 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
31461 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
31464 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
31466 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31468 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
31469 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
31471 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
31472 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
31473 -- Dag Hammarskjold
31475 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
31476 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
31477 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
31478 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
31480 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
31481 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
31482 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
31483 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
31484 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
31485 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
31487 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
31490 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
31491 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
31493 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
31496 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
31497 weren't for other people.
31500 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
31503 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
31504 -- George Bernard Shaw
31506 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
31508 Lift every voice and sing
31509 Till earth and heaven ring,
31510 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31511 Let our rejoicing rise
31512 High as the listening skies,
31513 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31515 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31516 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31517 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31518 Let us march on till victory is won.
31519 -- James Weldon Johnson
31521 Lighten up, while you still can,
31522 Don't even try to understand,
31523 Just find a place to make your stand,
31525 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31528 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31529 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31532 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31534 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31535 the difference between one young woman and another.
31536 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31538 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31539 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31540 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31541 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31542 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31543 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31544 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31545 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31547 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31548 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31549 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31551 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31552 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31553 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31554 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31556 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31557 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31558 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31559 worst possible novel.
31561 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31562 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31563 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31564 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31565 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31566 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31567 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31568 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31569 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31570 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31571 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31572 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31573 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31574 You know I can't think straight no more
31575 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31576 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31577 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31579 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31580 weren't so damned great!
31581 -- Armistead Maupin
31583 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31584 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31585 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31586 like the Rolling Stones?
31587 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31588 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31590 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31591 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31592 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31593 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31594 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31598 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31600 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31601 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31602 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31604 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31605 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31608 Like the time I ran away...
31609 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31610 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31612 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31614 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31615 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31616 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31617 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31618 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31619 -- Senior Year Quote
31621 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31622 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31624 Q -- Is there life after death?
31625 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31626 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31627 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31628 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31629 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31630 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31631 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31632 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31633 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31636 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31637 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31638 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31640 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31641 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31643 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31644 Kennedy in November 1960.
31646 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31648 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31651 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31652 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31654 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31655 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31657 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31658 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31660 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
31662 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31664 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31665 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31667 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31668 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31671 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31672 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31673 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31674 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31676 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31677 Maybe we should think only about today.
31679 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31683 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31685 Lions in the street and roaming,
31686 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31687 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31688 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31690 Went down south across the border,
31691 Left the chaos and disorder
31692 Back there, over his shoulder.
31693 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31694 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31695 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31696 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31697 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31700 To call a spade a thpade.
31702 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31703 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31704 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31708 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31710 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31711 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31712 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31713 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31714 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31715 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31716 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31717 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31718 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31719 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31720 a panacea so alleged.
31721 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31722 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31723 facing up to the recession?"
31725 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31726 is the other way round.
31727 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31730 -- Ronald Macdonald
31733 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31734 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31735 Has brush'd away. And the want
31736 Of thought is death,
31738 A fly like thee? Then am I
31739 Or art not thou A happy fly
31740 A man like me? If I live
31745 Till some blind hand
31746 Shall brush my wing.
31747 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31749 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31752 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31753 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31755 Little Known Facts, #23:
31756 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31757 the BMW repair garage?
31759 Little Mary on the ice,
31760 Went out to have a frisk,
31761 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31764 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31765 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31767 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31770 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31772 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31774 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31775 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31776 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31778 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31781 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31782 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31783 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31785 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31786 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31788 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31789 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31791 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31794 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31795 to want things that nobody else wants.
31798 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31799 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31801 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31802 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31805 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31807 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31808 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31809 Don't you envy people who
31810 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31812 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31813 -- Henry David Thoreau
31815 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31816 interest rates, we don't need it."
31819 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31820 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31821 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31822 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31823 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31824 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31825 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31826 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31827 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31828 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31829 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31830 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31831 you and your friends will be, too.
31832 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31833 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31835 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31836 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31837 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31839 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31842 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31844 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
31846 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
31848 Logicians have but ill defined
31849 As rational the human kind.
31850 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
31851 But let them prove it if they can.
31852 -- Oliver Goldsmith
31856 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
31859 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
31860 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
31861 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
31862 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
31863 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
31864 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
31865 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
31866 Bulletin Board System).
31868 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
31869 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
31870 -- '80 Microcomputing
31872 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
31874 Lonely is a man without love.
31875 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
31877 Lonely men seek companionship.
31878 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
31885 Like to meet new and interesting people?
31887 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
31889 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
31890 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
31891 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
31892 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
31894 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
31896 Long life is in store for you.
31898 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
31899 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
31900 pain and his aloneness without regret?
31901 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
31903 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
31905 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
31907 Look at it this way:
31908 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
31909 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
31910 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31912 Look at it this way:
31913 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
31914 forget $26,000 of college education.
31915 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31917 Look before you leap.
31923 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
31925 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
31926 to pay income taxes, too?
31927 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
31929 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
31930 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
31934 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
31935 -- Stephen Sondheim
31937 Loose bits sink chips.
31939 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
31940 -- Charles D'Hericault
31942 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
31943 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
31945 Losing your drivers' license is just
31946 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
31948 Lost: gray and white female cat.
31949 Answers to electric can opener.
31951 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
31953 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
31955 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
31958 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
31959 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
31961 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
31964 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31965 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31967 Fine little girl she waits for me
31968 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
31969 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
31970 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
31971 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
31972 I smell the rose in her hair
31973 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
31974 It won't be long, me see my love
31975 I take her in my arms and then
31976 Me tell her I never leave again
31977 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
31980 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
31983 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
31986 When, if asked to choose between your lover
31987 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
31990 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
31993 When you don't want someone too close--
31994 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
31997 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
31999 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32001 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32003 Love America - or give it back.
32005 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32007 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32008 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32010 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32013 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32014 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32016 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32017 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32018 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32020 Love is a grave mental disease.
32023 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32026 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32027 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32028 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32030 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32031 Hate is a word that is not.
32032 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32033 Love, I have read, is hot.
32034 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32035 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32036 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32037 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32040 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32041 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32042 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32044 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32045 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32046 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32048 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32051 Love is being stupid together.
32054 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32055 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32056 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32058 Love is in the offing.
32059 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32061 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32063 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32064 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32065 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32069 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32070 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32072 Love is never asking why?
32074 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32076 Love is sentimental measles.
32078 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32080 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32081 raises some pretty good questions.
32084 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32087 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32088 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32089 -- Charles Baudelaire
32091 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
32094 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
32095 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
32097 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32100 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
32102 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
32105 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
32107 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
32108 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
32110 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
32113 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
32114 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
32116 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
32118 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
32119 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
32121 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
32122 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
32124 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
32126 Love tells us many things that are not so.
32127 -- Krainian proverb
32129 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
32131 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
32134 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
32136 Love to eat them mousies,
32137 Mousies I love to eat.
32138 Bite they little heads off,
32139 Nibble at they tiny feet.
32142 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
32143 seized this one for the fair form
32144 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
32145 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
32146 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
32147 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
32148 Love brought us to one death.
32149 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
32151 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
32152 trying to figure out what you're up to.
32154 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
32155 -- Benjamin Franklin
32158 If it jams -- force it. If it
32159 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
32161 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
32163 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
32164 There's always one more bug.
32166 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
32167 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
32168 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
32169 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
32170 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
32171 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
32173 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
32176 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
32180 When you have a wife and a cigarette
32181 lighter -- both of which work.
32183 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
32185 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
32186 Can't you be serious for once?
32187 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
32188 of the more important things in life!
32192 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
32193 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
32195 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
32196 The place where optimism most flourishes.
32198 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
32201 Lysistrata had a good idea.
32203 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
32205 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
32207 Machine-Independent, adj.:
32208 Does not run on any existing machine.
32210 Machine-independent program:
32211 A program that will not run on any machine.
32213 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
32214 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
32217 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
32220 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
32224 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
32226 Macho does not prove mucho.
32230 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
32231 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32233 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
32234 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
32238 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
32240 Madness takes its toll.
32243 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
32244 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
32245 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
32246 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
32247 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
32248 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
32249 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
32250 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
32251 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
32252 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
32253 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
32254 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
32255 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
32256 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
32257 entire nodal aggravations.
32258 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
32260 Magary's Principle:
32261 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
32262 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
32263 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
32265 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
32267 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
32269 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
32271 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
32272 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
32273 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
32275 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32278 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
32280 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
32283 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
32284 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
32285 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32288 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
32291 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
32292 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
32293 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
32294 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
32295 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
32296 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
32297 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
32298 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
32301 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
32302 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
32303 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
32304 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32307 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
32308 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
32311 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
32312 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
32313 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
32314 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
32317 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
32319 Maintainer's Motto:
32320 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
32322 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
32323 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
32324 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
32327 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
32329 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32331 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32333 Secondary Conclusion:
32334 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
32335 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
32337 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
32340 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
32342 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
32343 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32345 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
32349 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
32351 Make a wish, it might come true.
32353 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
32355 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
32357 Make it right before you make it faster.
32359 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
32360 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
32362 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
32364 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
32366 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
32367 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
32368 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
32369 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
32370 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
32373 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
32376 The reason surgeons wear masks.
32378 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
32381 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
32383 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
32385 Man and wife make one fool.
32387 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
32388 -- Wernher von Braun
32390 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
32391 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
32392 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
32393 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
32394 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
32395 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32397 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
32400 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
32402 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
32405 Man is a military animal,
32406 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
32409 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
32410 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
32413 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
32414 no dog exchanges bones with another.
32417 Man is by nature a political animal.
32420 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
32421 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
32422 -- Wernher von Braun
32424 Man is the measure of all things.
32427 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
32430 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
32431 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
32432 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
32434 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
32435 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
32436 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
32439 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
32440 -- Arthur R. Miller
32443 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
32444 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
32445 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
32446 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
32447 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
32448 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32450 Man proposes, God disposes.
32453 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
32457 Man who arrives at party two hours late
32458 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
32460 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
32462 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
32464 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
32466 Man will never fly.
32467 Space travel is merely a dream.
32468 All aspirin is alike.
32470 Management: How many feet do mice have?
32471 Reply: Mice have four feet.
32473 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
32474 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
32475 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
32476 M: What? Feet with no legs?
32477 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
32478 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
32479 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
32480 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
32481 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
32482 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
32483 is not equipped with a foot.
32484 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
32485 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
32486 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
32487 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
32488 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
32489 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
32490 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
32491 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
32492 ornamental in nature.
32493 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
32494 R: Mice have four feet.
32497 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
32500 A man known for giving great meeting.
32502 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
32503 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
32504 don't think, right?"
32508 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
32510 Manic-depressive, n.:
32511 Easy glum, easy glow.
32513 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32516 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32517 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32518 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32519 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32522 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32523 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32524 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32527 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32530 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32532 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32534 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32535 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32536 -- Sydney J. Harris
32539 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32540 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32541 you need is in the others.
32544 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32547 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32549 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32550 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32551 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32553 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32554 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32555 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32557 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32558 can easily support two or more.
32560 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32561 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32562 -- George D. Prentice
32564 Many are called, few are chosen.
32565 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32567 Many are called, few volunteer.
32569 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32571 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32573 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32574 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32575 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32576 their data processing systems.
32577 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32579 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32580 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32581 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32582 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32583 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32584 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32586 Many hands make light work.
32589 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32591 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32592 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32593 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32594 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32595 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32596 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32597 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32598 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32599 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32600 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32601 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32603 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32604 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32605 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32607 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32608 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32609 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32611 Many pages make a thick book.
32613 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32616 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32617 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32619 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32621 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32623 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32625 Many people feel that if you won't let
32626 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32628 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32629 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32631 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32633 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32634 -- Bertrand Russell
32636 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32638 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32641 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
32642 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32643 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32644 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
32647 Margaret, are you grieving
32648 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32649 Leaves, like the things of man,
32650 You, with your fresh thoughts
32652 Ah! as the heart grows older
32653 It will come to such sights colder
32654 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32655 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32656 And yet you will weep and know why.
32657 Now no matter, child, the name
32658 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32659 It is the blight man was born for,
32660 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32661 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32665 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32666 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32668 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32669 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32671 Rose, any color: Love
32672 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32673 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32674 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32675 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32676 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32677 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32678 Rosemary: Remembrance
32679 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32680 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32681 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32682 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32683 Violet, white: Modesty
32684 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32685 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32687 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32689 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32690 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32691 it in order to protect themselves.
32694 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32695 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32696 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32699 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32700 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32701 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32706 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32707 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32710 Marriage causes dating problems.
32712 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32715 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32717 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32718 not ready for an institution yet.
32721 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32722 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32725 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32727 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32728 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32731 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32732 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32734 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32735 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32737 -- George Jean Nathan
32739 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32741 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32742 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32744 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32747 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
32748 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
32751 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32754 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32755 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32757 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32762 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32765 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32767 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32768 connected by a thin strand.
32770 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32771 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32773 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32774 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32775 territory from invasion by another group."
32777 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32778 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32780 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32781 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32782 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32784 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32785 -- George Bernard Shaw
32787 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32788 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32790 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32791 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32792 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32793 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32794 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32795 named a drink Fred?"
32797 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32798 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32800 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32801 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32802 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32803 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32804 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32805 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32806 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32807 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32808 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32809 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32810 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32811 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32815 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32817 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32818 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32820 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32823 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32824 you treat everything like a nail.
32826 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32827 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32829 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32831 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32832 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32835 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32836 -- Christopher Hampton
32838 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32841 Mater artium necessitas.
32842 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32844 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
32847 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
32848 Please, don't drink and derive.
32855 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
32859 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
32861 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
32862 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
32863 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32865 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
32866 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
32868 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
32871 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
32874 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
32876 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
32877 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
32880 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
32881 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
32884 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
32885 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
32886 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
32887 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
32888 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
32889 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
32890 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
32891 -- Bertrand Russell
32893 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
32895 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
32897 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
32898 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
32900 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
32902 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
32903 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
32904 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
32905 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
32907 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
32911 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
32913 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
32914 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
32916 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
32918 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
32919 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
32920 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
32922 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
32924 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
32926 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
32928 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
32930 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
32932 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
32933 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
32934 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
32936 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
32938 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
32940 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
32942 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
32943 a full moon on a dark night,
32944 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
32946 May you live in uninteresting times.
32949 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
32951 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
32953 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
32954 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
32956 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
32957 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
32960 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
32963 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
32964 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
32967 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
32969 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
32970 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
32971 had to seek professional help.
32973 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
32974 these days you can certainly charge it.
32977 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
32978 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
32980 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
32982 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
32983 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
32984 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
32986 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
32987 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
32991 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
32992 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
32995 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
32996 just like everyone else.
32998 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
32999 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33000 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33001 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33002 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33003 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33004 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33005 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33006 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33007 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33008 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33009 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33010 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33011 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33012 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33013 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33014 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33015 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33017 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33018 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33019 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33020 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33021 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33022 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33023 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
33024 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33025 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33026 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33027 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33028 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33029 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33030 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33033 Measure twice, cut once.
33035 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33038 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33040 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33043 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33044 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33047 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33049 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33050 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33051 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33055 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33056 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33059 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33060 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33063 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33064 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33065 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33066 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33068 I guess some things never leave you.
33069 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
33071 Memory fault -- brain fried
33073 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33075 Memory fault - where am I?
33077 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33079 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
33082 Men are superior to women.
33085 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
33088 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
33089 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
33092 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
33095 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
33096 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
33099 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
33100 rights as women have of their wrongs.
33103 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
33105 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
33107 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
33108 from religious conviction.
33109 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
33111 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
33114 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
33115 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
33116 -- Winston Churchill
33118 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
33119 -- Leonardo da Vinci
33121 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
33123 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
33124 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
33126 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
33127 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
33128 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
33129 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
33130 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
33131 and acts that are contrary to habit...
33132 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
33134 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
33137 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
33139 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
33141 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
33142 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
33144 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
33145 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
33148 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
33149 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
33150 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
33151 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
33152 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33154 Men who cherish for women the highest
33155 respect are seldom popular with them.
33158 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
33159 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
33161 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
33162 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
33163 cork makes when it is popped.
33165 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
33166 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
33168 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
33169 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
33170 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
33171 can never hope to acquire it.
33173 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
33175 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
33176 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
33177 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
33180 Mental things which have not gone in through the
33181 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
33185 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
33188 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
33191 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
33193 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
33195 Message will arrive in the mail.
33196 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
33199 One who doubts the established fact that it is
33200 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
33202 Metermaids eat their young.
33204 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
33205 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
33206 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
33207 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
33208 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
33209 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
33210 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
33211 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
33212 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
33213 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
33214 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
33215 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
33216 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
33217 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
33218 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
33219 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
33220 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
33221 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
33222 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
33223 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
33224 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
33225 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
33226 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
33227 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
33228 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
33229 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
33230 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
33231 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
33234 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
33240 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
33242 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
33244 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
33245 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
33247 Microwaves frizz your heir.
33249 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
33251 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
33252 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
33253 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
33255 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
33256 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
33258 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
33261 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
33263 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
33265 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
33268 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
33272 Lose a few, lose a few.
33275 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
33277 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
33278 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
33281 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
33282 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
33283 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
33284 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
33285 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
33286 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
33287 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
33288 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
33289 the gold and the black.
33290 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
33292 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
33293 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
33294 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
33295 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
33296 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
33297 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
33299 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
33301 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
33304 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
33308 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
33309 mosquito supplier to the free world.
33310 come fall in love with a loon.
33311 where visitors turn blue with envy.
33312 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
33313 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
33314 where the elite meet sleet.
33315 glove it or leave it.
33316 many are cold, but few are frozen.
33317 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
33318 land of 10,000 Petersons.
33320 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
33322 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
33323 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
33326 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
33328 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
33331 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
33333 Misery no longer loves company.
33334 Nowadays it insists on it.
33338 The kind of fortune that never misses.
33339 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33341 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
33344 A title with which we brand unmarried
33345 women to indicate that they are in the market.
33346 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33349 A person who depends on accidental features or
33350 implementation errors and so now has a vested
33351 interest in keeping things from being fixed.
33352 -- Chip Morningstar
33354 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
33356 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
33359 The Georgia Tech of the North
33361 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
33362 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
33363 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
33365 Mittsquinter, adj.:
33366 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
33367 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
33368 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33370 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
33371 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
33375 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
33376 With five empty seats.
33379 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
33380 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
33382 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
33384 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
33385 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
33386 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
33387 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
33390 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
33391 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
33392 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
33393 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
33394 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
33395 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
33396 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
33397 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
33398 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
33400 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
33404 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
33405 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
33407 Moderation in all things.
33408 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
33410 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
33413 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
33414 themselves that they have a better idea.
33417 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
33419 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
33420 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
33421 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
33422 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
33423 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
33424 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
33425 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
33426 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
33427 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
33428 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
33429 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
33430 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
33433 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
33435 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
33438 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
33439 not to be aware of it.
33442 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
33443 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
33445 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
33447 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
33448 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
33450 Moebius always does it on the same side.
33452 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
33454 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
33455 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
33456 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
33458 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
33459 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
33460 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
33461 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
33462 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
33463 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
33464 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
33465 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
33466 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
33467 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
33468 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
33469 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
33472 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
33473 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
33474 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
33475 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
33476 the atom in that it is an ion...
33477 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33479 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
33480 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
33481 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
33484 What you give a person when they are going away.
33486 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
33489 When they finally do have to take you to the
33490 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
33492 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
33495 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
33496 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33499 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
33500 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33502 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
33504 -- The Best of Will Rogers
33506 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
33510 but is excellent kindling.
33512 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
33513 Is a keen observer of life,
33514 The word intellectual suggests right away
33515 A man who's untrue to his wife.
33516 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33518 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33519 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33522 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33523 -- Christopher Marlowe
33525 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33528 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33531 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33533 Money is its own reward.
33535 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33537 Money is the root of all wealth.
33539 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33542 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33543 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33545 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33547 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33548 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33550 Money will say more in one moment than
33551 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33553 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33556 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33560 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33563 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33566 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33568 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33569 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33570 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33571 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33574 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33575 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33578 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33579 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33582 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33584 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33587 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33588 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33592 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33595 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33597 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33599 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33600 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33601 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33602 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33603 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33604 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33605 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33606 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33607 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33609 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33610 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33611 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33612 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33614 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33615 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33616 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33617 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33619 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33620 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33621 I just want to win one little lottery."
33622 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33623 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33626 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33628 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33629 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33630 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33632 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33633 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33634 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33637 The state bird of New Jersey.
33639 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33641 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33642 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33643 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33644 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33645 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33646 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33647 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33648 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33649 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33650 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33651 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33654 Most folks they like the daytime,
33655 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33656 They're up in the morning,
33657 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33658 But when the sun goes down,
33659 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33661 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33662 and one of them is always night.
33663 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33664 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33665 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33666 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33668 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33671 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33674 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33675 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33677 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33678 difficulties before we get to them.
33681 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33682 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33683 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33684 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33685 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33686 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33687 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33688 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33689 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33690 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33692 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33694 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33696 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33697 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33698 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33702 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33704 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33708 Most people deserve each other.
33711 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33712 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33714 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33717 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33719 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33720 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33721 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33722 -- W. Somerset Maugham
33724 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33726 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33727 a good reason, and the real reason.
33729 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33730 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33733 Most people need some of their problems
33734 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33736 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33738 Most people want either less corruption
33739 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33741 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33742 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33744 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33746 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33748 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33749 can't talk for people who can't read.
33752 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33754 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33760 Mother Earth is not flat!
33762 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33765 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33767 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33770 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
33772 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33773 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33776 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33777 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33778 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33780 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33782 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33784 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33788 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33789 population is growing.
33791 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33792 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33793 shirts but they're going back.
33795 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33796 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33798 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33799 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33800 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33802 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33803 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33806 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33807 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33808 wrong, "Up to a point."
33809 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33810 Yokohama isn't it?"
33811 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33812 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33813 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33814 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33816 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33819 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33820 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33823 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33824 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33825 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33827 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33828 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33829 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33831 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33832 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33833 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33834 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33835 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33837 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33838 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33839 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33840 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33841 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33842 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33843 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33844 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33846 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33848 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33849 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33850 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33851 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33852 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33853 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33854 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33855 as much fun to watch.
33856 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
33859 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
33861 Mummy dust to make me old;
33862 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
33863 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
33864 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
33865 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
33866 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
33867 Now begin thy magic spell!
33868 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
33871 -- Miguel de Cervantes
33873 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
33874 -- Xaviera Hollander
33876 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
33878 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
33879 talk about after dinner.
33880 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
33882 Murphy was an optimist.
33884 Murphy's Discovery:
33885 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
33886 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
33887 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
33890 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
33892 Murphy's Law of Research:
33893 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
33895 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
33896 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
33899 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
33900 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
33901 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
33904 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
33906 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
33909 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
33911 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
33912 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
33915 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
33916 long it has become a science project.
33917 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33919 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
33920 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
33922 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
33923 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
33924 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
33925 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
33926 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
33928 And you know two heads are better than one.
33930 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
33931 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
33932 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
33933 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
33934 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
33935 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
33936 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
33937 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
33938 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
33939 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
33940 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
33941 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
33943 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
33945 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
33947 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
33948 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
33950 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
33951 The height of its contents to see!
33952 She lit a small match to assist her,
33953 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
33955 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
33956 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
33957 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
33958 a bulls-eye on the back.
33960 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
33961 said, "So will you."
33962 -- Rodney Dangerfield
33964 My brain is my second favorite organ.
33967 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
33968 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
33971 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
33972 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
33973 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
33974 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
33975 decimal points for the sake of precision.
33976 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
33977 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
33978 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
33979 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
33980 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
33982 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
33983 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
33985 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
33986 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
33987 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
33988 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
33989 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
33990 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
33991 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
33992 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
33993 -- Hunter S. Thompson
33995 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
33996 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
33998 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34000 My darling wife was always glum.
34001 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34002 And so made sure that she would stay
34003 In better spirits night and day.
34005 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34006 Unless there are three other people.
34009 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34011 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34012 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34016 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34019 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34020 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34021 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34023 My father taught me three things:
34024 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34025 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34026 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34028 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34029 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34032 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34035 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34036 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34037 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
34039 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34040 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34041 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34042 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34043 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34044 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34045 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34046 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34048 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34049 but they were there to meet the boat.
34051 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34052 later I can ask him what he meant.
34055 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
34056 but always, always, he was right.
34058 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
34059 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
34060 back and dig her up.
34062 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
34063 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
34064 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
34065 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
34066 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
34068 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
34070 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
34072 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
34074 My interest is in the future because I am
34075 going to spend the rest of my life there.
34077 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
34080 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
34081 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
34082 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
34083 And the skies are sunlit for him.
34084 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
34085 As the fragrance of acacia.
34086 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
34087 And I wish he were in Asia.
34088 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
34090 My love runs by like a day in June,
34091 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
34092 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
34093 In the pathway or the morrows.
34094 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
34095 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
34096 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
34097 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
34098 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
34100 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
34101 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
34102 -- George Bernard Shaw
34104 My mind can never know my body, although
34105 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
34106 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
34108 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
34111 My mother loved children -- she would
34112 have given anything if I had been one.
34115 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
34116 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
34117 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
34118 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
34120 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
34124 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34125 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
34126 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
34127 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
34129 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
34130 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
34131 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
34132 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
34135 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
34137 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
34138 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
34140 My only love sprung from my only hate!
34141 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
34142 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
34144 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
34146 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
34149 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
34150 And he cares not what comes after.
34151 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
34152 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
34153 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
34154 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
34155 My own dear love, he is all my world --
34156 And I wish I'd never met him.
34157 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
34159 My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
34160 perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
34161 words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
34162 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34164 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
34165 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
34166 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
34167 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
34168 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
34169 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
34170 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
34171 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
34172 -- James A. Michener
34174 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
34176 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
34177 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
34178 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
34179 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
34182 My philosophy is: Don't think.
34185 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
34188 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
34191 My rackets are run on strictly American
34192 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
34195 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
34196 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
34197 with our frail and feeble mind.
34200 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
34201 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
34202 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
34203 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
34204 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
34205 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
34206 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
34207 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
34208 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
34209 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
34210 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
34211 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
34212 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
34213 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
34216 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
34217 reason to limit myself.
34220 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
34221 She sells C shells by the seashore.
34223 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
34224 I do not like me anymore,
34225 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
34226 I ponder on the narrow house
34227 I shudder at the thought of men
34228 I'm due to fall in love again.
34229 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
34231 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
34232 -- Christopher Morley
34234 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
34237 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
34238 That's the funniest joke in the world.
34241 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
34243 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
34244 -- Booth Tarkington
34247 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
34248 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
34249 from the true accounts which it invents later.
34250 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34252 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
34253 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
34254 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
34256 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
34258 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
34259 "So, how's your daughter?"
34260 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
34261 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
34262 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
34263 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
34266 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
34268 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
34271 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
34274 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
34277 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
34279 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
34281 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
34282 -- The Mad Palindromist
34284 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
34286 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
34288 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
34290 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
34291 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
34293 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
34295 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
34296 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
34297 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
34300 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
34301 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
34302 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
34303 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
34304 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
34305 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
34306 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
34309 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
34310 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
34313 "Have you ever seen me before?"
34315 "Then how do you know it was me?"
34317 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
34319 "Why?", he was asked.
34320 "Because at night we need the light more."
34322 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
34323 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
34324 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
34325 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
34327 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
34329 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
34330 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
34331 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
34333 Natural laws have no pity.
34335 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
34336 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
34337 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
34338 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
34339 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
34340 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
34341 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
34345 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
34346 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
34347 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
34351 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
34352 -- Clare Booth Luce
34354 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
34356 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
34357 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
34359 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
34360 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
34362 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
34364 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
34366 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
34367 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
34370 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
34371 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
34374 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
34375 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
34376 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
34377 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
34378 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
34379 The solid power of understanding fails;
34380 Where beams of warm imagination play,
34381 The memory's soft figures melt away.
34382 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
34384 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
34387 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
34388 On the Rue des Ecoles
34391 Every evening I would see him
34392 guiding the dog along
34393 the sidewalk, keeping
34394 a firm grip on the leash
34395 so that the dog wouldn't
34396 run into a passerby
34397 Sometimes the dog would stop
34398 and look up at the sky
34400 noticed me watching the dog
34401 and he said, "Oh, yes,
34403 when the moon is out,
34404 he can feel it on his face"
34407 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
34408 want to test a man's character, give him power.
34411 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
34412 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
34415 Necessity has no law.
34418 Necessity hath no law.
34421 Necessity is a mother.
34423 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
34424 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
34425 -- Alfred North Whitehead
34427 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
34428 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
34429 -- William Pitt, 1783
34431 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
34434 Needs are a function of what other people have.
34436 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
34439 Neil Armstrong tripped.
34441 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
34443 Nemo me impune lacessit
34444 [No one provokes me with impunity]
34445 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
34448 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
34449 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
34450 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
34453 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
34457 Melancholia's blue.
34461 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
34462 Psychotics live in them,
34463 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
34465 Neutrinos are into physicists.
34467 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
34470 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
34471 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
34472 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
34474 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
34477 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
34478 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
34481 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
34483 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
34485 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
34487 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
34490 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
34491 Professionals built the Titanic.
34493 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
34495 Never buy from a rich salesman.
34498 Never buy what you do not want
34499 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
34500 -- Thomas Jefferson
34502 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
34504 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
34506 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
34508 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
34510 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
34514 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
34516 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
34517 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
34518 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
34519 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
34521 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
34523 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
34524 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
34525 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34527 Never eat more than you can lift.
34530 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34531 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34533 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34534 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34537 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34540 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34542 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34544 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34546 Never give an inch!
34548 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
34551 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34552 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34554 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34557 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34560 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34562 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34564 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34567 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34570 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34572 Never laugh at live dragons.
34573 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
34575 Never leave anything to chance;
34576 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34578 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34581 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34582 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34584 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34586 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34587 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34589 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34592 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34594 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34595 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34597 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34599 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34601 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34603 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34604 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34606 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34608 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34610 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34612 Never promise more than you can perform.
34615 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34618 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34620 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34622 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34623 law against it by that time.
34625 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34629 Never reveal your best argument.
34631 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34633 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34635 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34637 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34640 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34642 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34644 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34646 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34647 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34648 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34649 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34652 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34654 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34655 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34656 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34658 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34661 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34663 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34665 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34667 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34670 Never trust an operating system.
34672 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34674 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34676 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34678 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34680 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34682 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34683 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34685 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34686 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34688 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34689 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34691 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34693 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34694 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34696 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34697 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34699 Never volunteer for anything.
34702 Never worry about theory as long as the
34703 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34704 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34707 Different color from previous model.
34709 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34711 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34713 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34714 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34716 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34717 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34719 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34720 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34723 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34724 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34725 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34727 New systems generate new problems.
34729 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34730 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34731 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34733 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34735 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34736 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34739 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34740 Flyin' in from London to your door
34741 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34742 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34744 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34746 New York's got the ways and means;
34747 Just won't let you be.
34748 -- The Grateful Dead
34751 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34752 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34754 Newman's Discovery:
34755 Your best dreams may not come true;
34756 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34759 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34760 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34765 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34766 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34769 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34771 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
34773 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34775 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34776 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34778 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34779 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34781 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34784 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34786 Nice guys finish last.
34789 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34792 Nice guys get sick.
34794 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34795 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34797 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34799 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34800 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34801 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34803 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34805 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34806 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34807 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34808 but Americans call him by value.
34810 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34811 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34812 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34813 Three megs for system source;
34815 One disk to rule them all,
34816 One disk to bind them,
34817 One disk to hold the files
34818 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34820 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34821 And tapes without any tracks;
34822 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34823 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34824 Take hold of the tape
34825 And pull off the strip,
34826 And then you'll be sure
34827 Your tape drive will skip.
34829 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34831 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34834 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34835 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34838 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34839 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34840 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34842 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34843 that be and their friends hang out.
34846 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34847 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34848 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34849 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34851 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34854 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
34856 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
34858 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
34859 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
34862 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
34866 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
34867 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
34869 No character, however upright, is a match for
34870 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
34871 -- Alexander Hamilton
34873 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
34874 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
34875 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
34876 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
34878 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
34879 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
34880 effectively under such difficult conditions.
34881 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
34885 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
34886 lectures which are really worth the attending.
34887 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
34889 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
34890 on the grounds that it was human nature.
34892 No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
34893 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
34895 No evil can happen to a good man.
34898 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
34901 No extensible language will be universal.
34904 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
34905 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
34908 No good deed goes unpunished.
34909 -- Clare Boothe Luce
34911 No group of professionals meets except to
34912 conspire against the public at large.
34915 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
34916 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
34917 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
34921 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
34922 until three software guys have signed off for it.
34923 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
34925 No, his mind is not for rent
34926 To any god or government.
34927 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
34928 He knows changes aren't permanent -
34931 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
34933 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
34934 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
34935 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
34937 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
34938 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
34940 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
34941 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
34942 and Telegraph Company.
34943 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
34946 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
34949 No job too big; no fee too big!
34950 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
34952 No line available at 300 baud.
34954 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
34955 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
34956 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
34957 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
34958 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
34959 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
34960 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
34961 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
34966 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
34967 interest in hair restorers.
34970 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
34972 -- Channing Pollock
34974 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
34975 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
34976 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
34977 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
34978 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
34979 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
34980 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
34982 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
34984 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
34986 No man is useless who has a friend,
34987 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
34988 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
34990 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
34993 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
34994 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
34997 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
34998 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35001 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35002 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35003 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35007 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35009 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35011 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35012 signs of improvement.
35013 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35015 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35018 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35020 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35021 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35023 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35025 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35026 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35028 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35029 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35032 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35033 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35036 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35037 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35038 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35039 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35040 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35041 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35042 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35044 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35045 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35047 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35049 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35050 dirty little beast.
35053 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35054 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
35056 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
35058 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
35060 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
35062 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
35063 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
35065 No one knows like a woman how to say
35066 things that are at once gentle and deep.
35069 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
35072 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
35075 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
35078 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
35079 one who's giving it.
35082 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
35083 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
35085 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
35086 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
35090 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
35091 For this isn't really the norm.
35092 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
35093 So what? Any pork in a storm.
35095 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
35096 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
35097 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
35098 Cast even more perils before swine.
35100 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
35101 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
35102 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
35103 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
35105 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
35106 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
35107 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
35108 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
35110 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
35111 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
35112 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
35113 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
35116 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35117 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35118 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
35119 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
35121 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
35122 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
35123 their wish has been granted.
35124 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
35126 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
35128 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
35131 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
35133 "No program is perfect,"
35134 They said with a shrug.
35135 "The customer's happy--
35136 What's one little bug?"
35138 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
35139 The others went home. As year followed year.
35140 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
35141 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
35143 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
35144 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
35145 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
35146 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
35148 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
35149 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
35150 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
35151 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
35152 -- The Perfect Programmer
35154 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
35155 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
35156 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
35157 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
35158 indication-applied occurrence.
35161 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
35163 No rock so hard but that a little wave
35164 May beat admission in a thousand years.
35167 No self-made man ever did such a good job
35168 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
35171 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
35173 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
35174 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
35176 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
35178 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
35179 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
35180 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
35182 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
35184 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
35185 Finished his old Raven,
35186 then he started his Old Crow.
35188 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
35191 No spitting on the Bus!
35192 Thank you, The Management.
35194 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
35195 -- Richard M. Nixon
35197 No two persons ever read the same book.
35200 No use getting too involved in life --
35201 you're only here for a limited time.
35203 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
35206 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
35207 she will or will not be a mother.
35208 -- Margaret H. Sanger
35210 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
35211 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
35213 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
35214 him than he deserves.
35217 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
35218 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
35220 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
35222 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
35224 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
35226 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
35228 -- Tallulah Bankhead
35230 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
35232 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
35235 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
35237 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
35239 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
35240 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
35241 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
35242 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
35243 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
35244 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
35247 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
35249 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
35253 Everybody hates me,
35254 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
35255 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
35256 Eat their insides out,
35257 And throw way the skins.
35258 Big, fat, juicy ones,
35259 Little, skinny, cute ones,
35260 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
35262 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
35263 And then it's too late.
35265 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
35268 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
35269 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
35270 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
35272 Only Capone kills like that.
35273 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35275 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
35276 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
35278 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
35279 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
35280 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
35283 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
35284 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
35286 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
35287 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
35289 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
35290 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
35292 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
35293 coming in late and lying about it.
35297 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
35298 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
35302 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
35306 New Yorkerese for expensive.
35310 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35312 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
35315 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
35317 None love the bearer of bad news.
35320 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
35321 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
35322 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
35323 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
35324 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
35325 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
35326 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
35327 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
35328 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
35330 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
35331 Negative expectations yield negative results.
35332 Positive expectations yield negative results.
35334 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
35337 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
35340 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
35342 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
35344 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
35345 intentions. He had money as well.
35346 -- Margaret Thatcher
35348 Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
35349 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
35350 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
35351 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
35352 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
35353 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
35354 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
35355 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
35356 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
35357 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
35358 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
35359 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
35360 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
35361 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
35362 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
35363 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
35364 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
35365 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
35366 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
35367 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
35368 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
35371 Norm: Hey, everybody.
35372 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
35373 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
35375 How are you feeling today, Norm?
35376 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
35377 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
35379 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
35380 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
35382 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
35384 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
35385 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
35386 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
35388 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
35389 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
35391 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
35392 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
35393 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
35395 Coach: How's life, Norm?
35396 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
35397 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
35399 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
35401 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
35402 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
35403 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
35405 Coach: What's up, Normie?
35406 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
35407 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
35409 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
35411 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35413 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
35415 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
35416 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
35417 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
35418 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
35420 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
35421 Norm: Elope with my wife.
35422 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35424 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
35425 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
35426 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
35430 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
35431 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
35432 -- Cheers, The Triangle
35434 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
35435 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
35436 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
35437 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
35439 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
35440 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
35441 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
35443 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
35445 Coach: What's up, Norm?
35446 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
35447 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
35449 Sam: What's new, Normie?
35450 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
35451 They're demanding beer.
35452 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
35454 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
35455 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
35456 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
35458 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
35459 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
35461 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
35463 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
35464 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
35465 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
35467 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
35468 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
35469 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
35470 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
35472 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
35474 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
35475 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
35476 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
35478 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
35480 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
35482 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
35484 Not all men who drink are poets.
35485 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
35487 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
35488 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
35490 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
35491 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
35493 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
35494 the capitalist mode of production.
35497 Not every question deserves an answer.
35499 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
35501 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
35502 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
35503 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
35504 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
35505 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
35506 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
35507 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
35508 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
35509 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
35510 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
35512 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
35513 -- William Shakespeare
35515 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
35516 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
35517 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
35519 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
35520 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
35522 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
35525 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
35526 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
35527 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
35529 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
35532 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
35533 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
35534 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
35536 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
35537 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35538 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35539 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35540 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35541 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35542 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35543 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35544 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35545 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35546 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35547 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35548 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35549 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35551 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35553 Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35554 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35556 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35558 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35559 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35560 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35561 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35562 not to make any poultry jokes.
35565 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35566 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35568 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35571 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35573 Nothing endures but change.
35575 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35577 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35578 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35581 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35582 -- Winston Churchill
35584 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35585 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35588 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35590 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35592 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35593 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35594 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35596 Nothing is but what is not.
35598 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35600 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35602 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35603 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35605 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35607 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35610 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35613 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35614 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35617 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35619 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35620 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35621 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35623 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35624 -- Michel de Montaigne
35626 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35627 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35629 Nothing lasts forever.
35630 Where do I find nothing?
35632 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35634 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35635 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35638 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35641 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35642 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35644 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35645 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35646 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35647 which can be offered to a personality.
35648 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
35650 Nothing recedes like success.
35653 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35654 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35657 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35660 Nothing succeeds like success.
35663 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35664 -- Christopher Lascl
35666 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35669 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35670 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35671 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35672 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35673 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35674 She got from trying to fight
35675 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35677 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35678 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35679 She said it before, she said it to me,
35680 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35681 But the same old four imaginary walls
35682 She'd built for livin' inside
35683 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35685 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35686 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35687 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35688 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35689 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35690 The veil that covered her eyes,
35691 I said oh, you can leave it.
35692 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35694 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35697 Nothing will ever be attempted
35698 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35702 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35703 be summarily put out.
35707 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35709 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35711 Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
35712 French for "not enough food".
35714 Continental breakfast, n.:
35715 English for "not enough food".
35718 Spanish for "not enough food".
35721 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35724 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35725 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35727 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35729 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35730 not better, just different.
35732 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35734 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35735 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35736 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35738 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35739 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35740 If he should stop before I wake,
35741 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35744 Now I lay me down to sleep
35745 I pray the double lock will keep;
35746 May no brick through the window break,
35747 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35749 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35750 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35751 If I should die before I wake,
35752 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35754 Now I lay me down to study,
35755 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35756 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35757 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35758 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35759 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35760 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35761 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35763 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35766 Now is the time for drinking;
35767 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35768 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35770 Now it's time to say goodbye
35771 To all our company...
35772 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35773 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35776 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35777 Twenty will not come again,
35778 And take from seventy springs a score,
35779 It leaves me only fifty more.
35781 And since to look at things in bloom
35782 Fifty springs are little room,
35783 About the woodlands I will go
35784 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35787 Now that day wearies me,
35789 Will receive more kindly,
35790 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35792 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35793 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35795 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35797 And my soul, unguarded,
35798 Would soar on widespread wings,
35799 To live in night's magical sphere
35800 More profoundly, more variously.
35801 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35803 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35804 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35805 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35806 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35808 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35809 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35810 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35811 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35812 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35813 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35814 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35816 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35818 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35819 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35820 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35821 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35823 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35824 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35825 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35827 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35828 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35831 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35833 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35836 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35837 the next freeway exit.
35839 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35840 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35841 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35842 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35843 We see him and he's all washed up --
35844 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35845 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35846 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35848 Death and Money make their point once more
35849 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35850 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35851 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35852 Have the courage of the here and now
35853 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35854 When you think you got it paid in full
35855 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
35856 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35857 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
35858 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35859 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
35860 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
35862 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
35863 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
35864 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
35865 Times, June 10, 1955.
35867 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
35870 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
35873 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
35874 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
35875 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
35877 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
35880 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
35882 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
35884 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
35886 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
35888 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
35891 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
35893 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
35894 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
35895 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
35896 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
35899 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
35900 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
35901 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
35902 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
35904 O! If I were a fish
35905 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
35906 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
35909 For fish don't ever mish;
35910 They needn't flush after they pish!
35911 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
35912 For all the fish!!!
35915 Where the buffalo roam,
35916 Where the deer and the antelope play,
35917 Where seldom is heard
35918 A discouraging word,
35919 'Cause what can an antelope say?
35921 O imitators, you slavish herd!
35922 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35925 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
35926 To use it like a giant.
35927 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
35929 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
35930 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
35932 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
35933 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
35934 Might we not smash it to bits
35935 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
35936 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
35940 Objects are lost only because people
35941 look where they are not rather than where they are.
35944 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
35946 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
35947 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
35948 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
35950 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
35953 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
35956 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
35957 To activate its captivation,
35958 Deposit on its termination,
35959 A quantity of particles saline.
35961 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
35963 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
35964 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
35965 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
35966 of the grandstands.
35968 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
35971 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
35972 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
35975 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
35976 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
35977 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
35978 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
35979 are the principal industries of the Orient.
35980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35983 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
35984 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
35986 Odets, where is thy sting?
35987 -- George S. Kaufman
35989 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
35991 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
35992 to know so much and have control over nothing.
35995 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
35996 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
35998 -- Thomas L. Martin
36000 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36003 Of all the words of witch's doom
36004 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36005 The man who kills both which and whom
36006 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36009 Of all things man is the measure.
36012 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36015 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36016 if you don't know them too well.
36017 -- Charles Bukowski
36019 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36020 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36023 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36024 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36026 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36028 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36029 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36031 Office Automation, n.:
36032 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36033 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36035 Official Project Stages:
36036 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36038 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36040 5. Search for the Guilty
36041 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36042 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36044 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36045 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36047 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36050 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36052 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
36054 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
36057 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
36059 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
36060 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
36061 And isn't your life extremely flat
36062 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
36064 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
36065 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
36066 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
36067 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
36069 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
36070 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
36071 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
36072 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
36074 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
36075 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
36076 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
36077 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
36079 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
36080 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
36081 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
36082 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
36084 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
36085 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
36086 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
36087 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
36088 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
36090 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
36092 Oh, give me a home,
36093 Where the buffalo roam,
36094 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
36096 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
36097 Where the three-body problem is solved,
36098 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
36099 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
36100 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
36101 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
36102 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
36103 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
36104 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
36105 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
36106 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
36107 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
36108 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
36109 And living up here is a bore.
36110 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
36111 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
36113 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
36114 Where the space debris always collects,
36115 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
36116 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
36117 -- to Home on the Range
36119 Oh give me your pity!
36120 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
36121 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
36122 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
36124 We confer and concur,
36125 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
36126 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
36127 And consider a load of reports.
36129 We compose and propose,
36130 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
36131 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
36132 There's terribly little gets done.
36134 We resolve and absolve;
36135 But we never dissolve,
36136 Since it's out of the question for us
36137 To bring our committee
36138 To end like this ditty,
36139 Which stops with a period, thus.
36140 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
36142 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
36143 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
36144 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
36145 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
36146 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
36147 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
36148 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
36149 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
36150 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
36151 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
36152 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
36153 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
36154 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
36155 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
36156 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
36158 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36159 I muck with indices and structs all day
36160 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
36161 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
36163 Oh, I could while away the hours,
36164 Smoking herbs and flowers,
36165 Shooting up my veins,
36166 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
36167 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
36168 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
36169 If I dealt in good cocaine.
36170 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
36172 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
36173 be irresponsible, too.
36176 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
36177 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
36178 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
36179 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
36180 You have not dreamed of --
36181 Wheeled and soared and swung
36182 High in the sunlit silence.
36184 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
36185 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
36186 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
36187 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
36188 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
36189 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
36190 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
36191 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
36192 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
36194 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
36195 From a typical American town.
36196 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
36197 And keeping old Castro down.
36198 And when it came my time to serve
36199 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
36200 But when I got to my old draft board,
36201 Buddy, this is what I said:
36204 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
36205 And I always carry a purse!
36206 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
36207 And my asthma's getting worse!
36208 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
36209 And my poor old invalid aunt!
36210 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
36211 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
36212 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
36214 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
36215 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
36216 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
36217 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
36219 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
36220 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
36221 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
36223 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
36224 it's what you do with what you have left.
36225 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
36227 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
36228 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
36230 Oh, so there you are!
36232 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
36233 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
36234 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
36235 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
36236 -- The Smothers Brothers
36238 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
36239 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
36241 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
36242 To see oursel's as others see us!
36243 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
36244 And foolish notion.
36245 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
36247 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
36248 Born under one law, to another bound.
36249 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
36251 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
36253 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
36254 -- William Shakespeare
36256 Oh, when I was in love with you,
36257 Then I was clean and brave,
36258 And miles around the wonder grew
36259 How well did I behave.
36261 And now the fancy passes by,
36262 And nothing will remain,
36263 And miles around they'll say that I
36264 Am quite myself again.
36267 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
36269 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
36270 you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
36271 J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
36272 you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
36274 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
36275 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
36279 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
36280 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
36281 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
36282 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
36283 save precious time and electrons.
36286 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
36289 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
36291 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
36292 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
36293 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
36294 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
36296 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
36298 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
36301 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
36304 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
36307 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
36309 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
36311 Old Japanese proverb:
36312 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
36313 and those who climb it twice.
36315 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
36317 Old mail has arrived.
36319 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
36320 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
36321 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
36323 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
36324 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
36325 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
36326 And so was her daughter, I guess...
36328 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
36330 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
36332 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
36334 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
36336 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
36339 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
36342 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
36344 Omnibiblious, adj.:
36345 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
36348 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
36350 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
36353 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
36355 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
36358 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
36359 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
36361 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
36362 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
36365 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
36366 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
36367 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
36369 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
36370 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
36374 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
36375 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
36376 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
36377 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
36378 you come any closer."
36379 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
36381 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
36383 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
36384 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
36385 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
36388 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
36389 proposition that all men are created jerks.
36390 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
36392 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
36393 same moment -- halftime.
36395 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
36397 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
36398 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
36399 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
36400 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
36402 On the subject of C program indentation:
36404 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
36405 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
36406 -- Blair P. Houghton
36408 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
36409 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
36411 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
36412 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
36413 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
36414 ideas that could provoke such a question.
36417 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
36418 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
36419 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
36421 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
36422 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36428 Once again dread deed is done.
36430 his all-knowing eye shaded
36431 to human chance and circumstance.
36432 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
36433 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
36435 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
36436 Impatient hands wait eagerly
36438 scant moments of time
36439 wrested from life in the full
36440 glory of Canon's power;
36441 held captive by his unblinking eye.
36443 Three golden orbs stand watch;
36444 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
36445 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
36446 When that feared moment arrives,
36447 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
36448 It tolls for thee."
36449 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
36450 Valley Pawn Shop today"
36452 Once Again From the Top
36454 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
36455 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
36456 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
36457 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
36458 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
36459 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
36460 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
36461 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
36462 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
36463 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
36464 The Herald regrets the errors."
36465 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
36467 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
36468 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
36471 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
36472 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
36473 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
36474 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
36475 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
36476 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
36478 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
36479 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
36480 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
36481 principals or your mistress."
36483 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
36486 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
36487 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
36488 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
36489 the railroad yards."
36490 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
36491 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
36492 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
36494 Once I finally figured out all of life's
36495 answers, they changed the questions.
36497 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
36498 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
36499 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
36501 Once is happenstance,
36502 Twice is coincidence,
36503 Three times is enemy action.
36504 -- Auric Goldfinger
36506 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
36507 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
36509 Once Law was sitting on the bench
36510 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
36511 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
36512 Nor come before me creeping.
36513 Upon your knees if you appear,
36514 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
36516 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
36517 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
36518 "Amica curiae," she replied --
36519 "Friend of the court, so please you."
36520 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
36521 I never saw your face before!"
36522 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36524 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
36525 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
36526 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
36527 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
36530 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
36533 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
36534 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
36535 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
36536 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
36537 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36538 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36539 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36540 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36541 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36542 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36543 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36544 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36545 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36546 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36547 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36548 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36549 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36550 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36551 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36552 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36553 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36554 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36556 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36557 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36558 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36559 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36560 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36561 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36562 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36563 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36564 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36566 Once upon a time there...
36568 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36569 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36570 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36571 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36572 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36573 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36574 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36575 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36577 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36580 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
36581 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
36582 the smaller prime numbers.
36584 2: The Odd Prime --
36585 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
36586 3: The True Prime --
36587 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
36588 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
36589 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
36590 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
36591 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
36592 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
36595 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
36596 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
36597 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
36599 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36600 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36601 Over many a broken and subordinate
36602 Volume of gnarly lore,
36603 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36604 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36605 As of someone profusely skulking,
36606 Skulking at my chamber door.
36608 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36610 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36611 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36613 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36614 somebody's listening.
36615 -- Franklin P. Jones
36617 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36619 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36621 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36622 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36623 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36625 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36627 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36629 One Bell System - it works.
36631 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36634 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36637 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36638 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36641 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36642 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36643 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36645 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36647 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36648 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36649 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36651 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36653 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36654 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36656 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36657 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36658 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36659 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36660 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36661 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36662 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36663 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36664 and march back home."
36665 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36666 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36667 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36668 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36669 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36671 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36672 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36673 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36674 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36675 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36676 is death by hanging."
36677 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36678 "I don't believe you."
36679 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36680 "But that would make it the truth!"
36681 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36683 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36684 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36685 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36686 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36687 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36688 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36689 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36690 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36691 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36692 there a number of details to be figured out.
36693 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36694 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36695 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36697 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36698 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36699 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36700 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36701 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36702 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36703 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36704 harmonic motion..."
36708 With nothing to say,
36709 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36710 That started: "One day,
36712 With nothing to say,
36713 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36714 That started: "One day,
36717 Were the words that the poet,
36719 To bring his mad poem,
36720 To some sort of close".
36721 Were the words that the poet,
36723 To bring his mad poem,
36724 To some sort of close".
36726 One difference between a man and a machine
36727 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36729 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36732 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36733 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36734 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36735 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36736 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36737 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36738 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36739 been havin' all these years."
36740 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36741 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36742 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36743 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36744 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36745 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36746 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36747 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36748 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36750 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36753 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36755 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36758 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36759 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36761 -- Henry Brook Adams
36763 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36764 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36766 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36767 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36769 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36771 One good thing about music,
36772 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36773 So hit me with music;
36774 Hit me with music now.
36775 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36777 One good turn asketh another.
36780 One good turn deserves another.
36783 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36785 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36786 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36789 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36792 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36793 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36795 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36798 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36801 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36802 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36804 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36806 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36807 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36808 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36809 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36813 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36816 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36819 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36820 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36822 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36825 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36827 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36828 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36831 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36833 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36834 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36837 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36841 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36843 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36845 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36846 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36847 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36848 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36849 nobody can touch him.
36850 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36852 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36853 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
36857 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
36858 enough to give you presents they make at school.
36861 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
36862 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
36863 -- Joyce Carol Oates
36865 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
36866 do and always a clever thing to say.
36869 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
36870 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
36871 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
36872 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
36873 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
36874 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
36875 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
36876 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
36877 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
36878 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
36879 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
36881 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
36882 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
36885 One of the most striking differences between a
36886 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
36889 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
36890 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
36892 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
36894 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
36896 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
36898 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
36899 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
36900 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
36901 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
36902 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
36904 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
36905 once had a publisher shot.
36906 -- Siegfried Unseld
36908 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
36910 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
36911 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
36912 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
36913 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
36914 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
36915 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
36916 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
36917 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
36918 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
36920 One organism, one vote.
36922 One person's error is another person's data.
36924 One picture is worth 128K words.
36926 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
36929 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
36930 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
36931 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
36932 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
36933 Go ask Alice Call Alice
36934 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
36936 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
36937 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
36938 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
36940 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
36941 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
36942 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
36945 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
36947 One planet is all you get.
36949 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
36950 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
36952 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
36953 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
36954 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
36955 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
36956 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
36957 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
36958 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
36959 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
36960 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
36961 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
36962 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
36963 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
36964 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
36965 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
36966 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
36967 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
36968 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
36970 One reason why George Washington
36971 Is held in such veneration:
36972 He never blamed his problems
36973 On the former Administration.
36974 -- George O. Ludcke
36976 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
36977 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
36978 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
36979 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
36980 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
36981 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
36982 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
36983 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
36986 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
36988 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
36992 Doesn't fit anyone.
36994 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
36996 One thing about the past.
36997 It's likely to last.
37000 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37001 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37002 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37003 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37005 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37007 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
37009 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37010 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37012 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37013 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37017 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37019 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37020 One toke over the line,
37021 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37022 One toke over the line.
37023 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37024 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37025 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37026 One toke over the line.
37028 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37031 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37033 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37034 the stake while the votes were being counted.
37037 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
37041 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
37042 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
37043 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
37046 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
37049 Only a fool has no doubts.
37051 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
37052 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
37054 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
37056 Only fools are quoted.
37059 Only God can make random selections.
37061 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
37064 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
37065 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
37067 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
37068 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
37071 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
37072 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
37074 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
37075 to use the editorial "we".
37077 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
37078 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
37080 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
37083 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
37084 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
37085 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
37086 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
37087 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
37088 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
37089 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
37090 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
37091 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
37092 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
37093 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
37094 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
37096 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
37099 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
37100 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
37103 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
37105 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
37107 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
37108 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
37109 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
37110 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
37111 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
37112 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
37113 -- Sicilian police officer
37115 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
37116 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
37118 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
37120 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
37122 Onward through the fog.
37124 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
37126 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
37129 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
37130 feel like eating for the next six days.
37131 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
37133 Oppernockity tunes but once.
37135 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
37136 work, so most people don't recognize them.
37138 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
37139 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
37140 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
37141 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
37143 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
37144 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
37147 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
37148 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
37149 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
37150 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
37151 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
37152 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
37155 A bagpiper with a beeper.
37158 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
37160 A pessimist asked God for relief.
37161 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
37162 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
37163 would justify them."
37164 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
37165 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
37166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37169 Someone who goes down to the marriage
37170 bureau to see if his license has expired.
37172 Optimization hinders evolution.
37174 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
37177 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
37179 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
37180 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
37184 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
37187 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
37190 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
37191 Cleanliness is next to impossible
37195 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
37196 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
37199 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
37200 to people you could not have possibly met.
37201 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37204 Variables won't; constants aren't.
37206 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
37209 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
37210 Where most she satisfies.
37211 -- Antony and Cleopatra
37213 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
37215 Others will look to you for stability,
37216 so hide when you bite your nails.
37218 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
37219 Murphy was an optimist.
37221 Ouch! That felt good!
37224 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
37225 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
37227 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
37228 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
37229 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
37231 Our business in life is not to succeed
37232 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
37233 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
37235 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
37236 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
37237 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
37238 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
37239 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
37240 home-made, hand-held model.
37242 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
37243 to the Pentagon free of charge:
37245 a. Don't kill anybody.
37246 b. Don't build things that do.
37247 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
37249 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
37252 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
37253 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
37255 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
37256 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
37257 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
37258 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
37260 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
37264 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
37265 means to be a programmer."
37267 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
37268 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
37269 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
37270 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
37271 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
37272 to have been quite real.
37273 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
37275 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
37277 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
37278 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
37280 Our little systems have their day;
37281 They have their day and cease to be;
37282 They are but broken lights of thee.
37285 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
37286 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
37287 In kernel as it is in user.
37289 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
37290 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
37291 rain, we were punished.
37292 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
37294 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
37295 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
37297 Our problems are so serious that the best
37298 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
37300 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
37301 We their sons are more worthless than they:
37302 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
37303 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37305 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
37306 -- Christopher Marlowe
37308 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
37309 In all of the directions it can whiz;
37310 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
37311 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
37312 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
37313 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
37314 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
37315 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
37318 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
37321 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
37322 -- General Omar N. Bradley
37324 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
37325 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
37327 Out of sight is out of mind.
37330 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
37333 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
37335 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
37336 it's too dark to read.
37339 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
37340 need of the manager than the programming task.
37342 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
37343 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
37345 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
37346 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
37347 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
37348 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
37349 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
37350 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
37351 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
37353 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
37354 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
37355 Concepts and Philosophies,"
37356 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
37358 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
37359 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
37360 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
37361 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
37363 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
37365 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
37367 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
37370 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
37372 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
37374 Owe no man any thing...
37377 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
37378 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
37379 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
37380 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
37381 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
37382 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
37383 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
37384 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
37385 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
37388 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
37389 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
37390 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
37391 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
37392 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
37394 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
37395 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
37396 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
37399 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
37400 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
37402 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
37405 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
37406 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
37407 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37408 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
37410 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
37411 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
37412 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
37413 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
37414 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
37415 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
37416 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
37418 troopa, n: A state policeman.
37419 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
37420 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
37421 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
37424 Falling out of a twenty story building,
37425 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
37428 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
37431 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
37433 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
37436 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
37437 exposing them to the critic.
37438 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37441 Never open a box you didn't close.
37443 panic: can't find /
37445 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
37447 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
37451 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
37452 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
37453 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
37454 2 soupcons == too much paprika
37456 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
37460 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
37462 Paralysis through analysis.
37465 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
37467 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
37469 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
37471 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
37473 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
37474 Now ... just try to find out where!
37476 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
37478 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
37479 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
37482 Pardon me while I laugh.
37484 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
37486 Pardo's First Postulate:
37487 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
37491 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
37493 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
37494 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
37497 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
37499 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
37500 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
37501 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
37503 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
37504 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
37505 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
37507 Parsley is gharsley.
37510 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
37513 A gathering where you meet people who drink
37514 so much you can't even remember their names.
37516 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
37517 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
37519 Pascal is not a high-level language.
37522 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
37523 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
37526 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
37527 in his grave if he knew about it.
37528 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
37531 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
37532 Please modify your programs accordingly.
37535 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
37536 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
37538 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
37543 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
37545 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
37546 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
37547 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
37548 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
37550 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
37551 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
37553 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
37554 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37557 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37559 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37560 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37561 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37562 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37563 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37564 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37565 par for the course, Charlie.
37566 -- The Firesign Theatre
37569 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37570 under brain transplants.
37572 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37573 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37576 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37578 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37580 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37583 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37584 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37586 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37587 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37589 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37590 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37592 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37593 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37595 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37596 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37597 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37600 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37601 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37602 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37604 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37607 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37610 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37613 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37616 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37620 You can't fall off the floor.
37622 Pause for storage relocation.
37624 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37625 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37628 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37629 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37630 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37631 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37641 up your ides under brown-
37648 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37650 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37651 can only be achieved by understanding.
37654 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37655 of land... let there be no more wars.
37656 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
37659 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37660 periods of fighting.
37661 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37665 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37666 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37667 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37669 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37671 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37672 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37673 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37674 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37676 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37677 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37678 the week that has a "y" in it.
37681 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37682 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37683 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37686 A car with only one working headlight.
37687 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37689 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37690 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37691 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37692 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37693 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37694 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37695 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37696 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37698 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37699 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37700 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37702 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37708 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37711 "I will never understand people."
37712 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37713 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37714 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37715 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37716 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37717 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37718 -- no offense intended."
37719 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37721 Penguin Trivia #46:
37722 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37723 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37728 A federally insured chain letter.
37730 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37731 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37732 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37733 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37734 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37735 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37736 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37738 People are beginning to notice you.
37739 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37741 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37743 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37745 People don't change; they only become more so.
37747 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37748 times, four time, five times...
37750 People in general do not willingly read
37751 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37754 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37755 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37757 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37758 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37760 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37762 -- Otto von Bismarck
37764 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37765 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37766 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37768 People often find it easier to be a
37769 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37771 People respond to people who respond.
37773 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37777 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37778 have been left out on the pleasure.
37781 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37782 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37783 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37784 the concentration camps.
37786 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37788 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37789 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37792 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37795 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37797 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37798 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37799 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37801 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37802 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37804 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37805 -- Abigail Van Buren
37807 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37809 People who have no faults are terrible;
37810 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37812 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37813 what they want that they don't want it.
37816 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37818 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37820 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37822 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37825 People who think they know everything
37826 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37828 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37829 Franklin said it first.
37831 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37833 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37836 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37838 People's Action Rules:
37839 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37840 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37841 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37842 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37843 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37845 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37848 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37849 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37851 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
37854 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
37857 One who makes his host feel at home.
37859 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
37860 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
37861 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
37864 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
37865 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
37866 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
37868 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
37869 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
37872 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
37873 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
37876 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
37878 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
37879 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
37880 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
37881 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
37883 Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
37887 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
37888 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
37889 -- Gandalf the Grey
37891 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
37892 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
37893 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
37894 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
37895 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
37896 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
37897 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
37898 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
37899 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
37900 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
37901 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
37902 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
37903 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
37904 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
37905 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
37906 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
37907 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
37909 -- Fowler's English Usage
37911 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
37912 a merit in political leaders.
37913 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
37915 Personifiers of the world, unite!
37916 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37917 -- Bernadette Bosky
37919 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37921 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
37922 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
37923 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
37924 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
37927 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
37928 wolf from the door.
37931 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
37935 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
37937 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
37938 Waiter: Who told you?
37939 Pete: A little swallow.
37941 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
37942 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
37943 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
37944 into suitable containers and cook until done.
37946 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
37947 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
37948 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
37949 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
37950 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
37952 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
37954 Peter's Law of Substitution:
37955 Look after the molehills, and the
37956 mountains will look after themselves.
37958 Peter's Principle of Success:
37959 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
37962 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
37965 Peterson's Admonition:
37966 When you think you're going down for the third time --
37967 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
37970 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
37971 are filled with something sticky.
37972 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
37973 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
37974 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
37977 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
37978 the window of a vending machine too long.
37979 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37981 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
37983 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
37984 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
37986 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
37989 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
37992 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
37994 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
37997 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38000 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
38001 that will bring it back to life).
38002 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38004 Photographing a volcano is just about
38005 the most miserable thing you can do.
38006 -- Robert B. Goodman
38007 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38009 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38010 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38011 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38012 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38014 Pick another fortune cookie.
38016 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38017 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38018 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38019 She left me not knowing what to do.
38021 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38022 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38023 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38024 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38026 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38027 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38028 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38029 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38030 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38032 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38033 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
38034 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
38035 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
38036 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
38039 If Congress must do a painful thing,
38040 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
38042 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
38043 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
38044 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
38046 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
38047 Not one damn thing do we solve.
38050 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
38056 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
38057 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
38058 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
38059 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38061 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
38062 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
38065 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
38066 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
38068 Piping down the valleys wild,
38069 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
38070 On a cloud I saw a child,
38071 And he laughing said to me:
38072 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
38073 So I piped with merry cheer.
38074 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
38075 So I piped: he wept to hear.
38076 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
38078 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
38079 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
38080 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
38081 -- Love and Rockets
38083 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
38084 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
38085 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
38086 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
38087 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
38090 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
38091 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
38092 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
38093 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
38094 get run over by a bus.
38096 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
38097 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
38098 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
38099 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
38102 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
38106 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
38107 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
38108 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
38109 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
38114 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
38116 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
38117 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
38118 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
38119 Don't shade your eyes,
38120 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
38121 Only be sure to call it research.
38124 Planet Claire has pink hair.
38125 All the trees are red.
38126 No one ever dies there.
38127 No one has a head....
38129 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
38130 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
38131 -- Green Lantern Comics
38133 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
38134 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
38135 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
38136 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
38139 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
38140 What develops when two people get
38141 tired of making love to each other.
38143 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
38146 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
38148 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
38150 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
38151 by asking me to do something for you.
38153 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
38154 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
38156 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
38158 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
38159 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
38161 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
38162 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
38166 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
38168 Please ignore previous fortune.
38170 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
38172 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
38174 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
38175 us being hysterical at the same time.
38177 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38179 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
38180 For we are young and free.
38181 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
38182 Our home is girt by sea.
38183 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
38184 Of beauty rich and rare.
38185 In history's page, let every stage
38186 Advance Australia Fair.
38187 In joyful strains then let us sing,
38188 Advance Australia Fair.
38190 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38192 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38194 God save our Gracious Queen!
38195 Long live our Noble Queen!
38196 God save the Queen!
38197 Send her victorious,
38198 Happy and glorious,
38199 Long to reign o'er us!
38200 God save the Queen!
38202 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38204 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38207 Our home and native land
38209 In all thy sons' command
38210 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
38211 The true north strong and free
38212 From far and wide, O Canada
38213 We stand on guard for thee
38214 God keep our land glorious and free
38215 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38216 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
38218 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38220 Please stand for the National Anthem:
38222 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
38223 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
38224 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
38225 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
38226 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
38227 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
38228 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
38229 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
38231 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
38235 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
38236 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
38237 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
38240 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
38242 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
38244 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
38246 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
38247 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
38248 an uncontainable experience.
38253 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
38256 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
38258 Poisoned coffee, n.:
38259 Grounds for divorce.
38261 Poland has gun control.
38263 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
38265 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
38266 Host: About the drugs?
38268 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
38269 Police: No, the noise.
38270 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
38271 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
38272 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
38274 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
38275 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
38276 ask the host to quiet things down?
38277 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
38278 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
38279 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
38280 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
38281 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
38284 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
38288 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
38289 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
38290 -- Alfred E. Neuman
38292 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
38293 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
38296 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
38297 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
38298 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
38299 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
38301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38304 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
38305 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
38306 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
38309 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
38310 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
38311 -- Nikita Khrushchev
38313 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
38314 -- Arthur C. Clarke
38316 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
38317 been, and never will be wrong.
38320 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
38321 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
38324 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
38325 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
38329 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
38330 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
38331 -- Winston Churchill
38333 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
38334 systematic organisation of hatreds.
38335 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
38337 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
38338 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
38340 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
38341 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
38342 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38344 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
38345 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
38348 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
38349 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
38350 explain why it didn't happen.
38351 -- Winston Churchill
38353 Politics, like religion, hold up the
38354 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
38355 -- Thomas Jefferson
38357 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
38361 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
38362 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
38363 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38365 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
38366 The hyperactive child is never absent.
38371 Polymer physicists are into chains.
38374 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
38375 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
38378 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
38379 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
38380 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
38381 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
38382 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
38384 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
38385 Half a pound of treacle
38386 That's the way the chimney smokes
38389 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
38390 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
38391 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
38392 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
38393 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
38395 Populus vult decipi.
38396 [The people like to be deceived.]
38398 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
38402 Survives system reboot.
38405 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
38408 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
38409 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38411 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
38414 Post proelium, praemium.
38415 [After the battle, the reward.]
38417 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
38419 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38421 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
38422 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
38423 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
38424 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
38425 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
38427 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
38428 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
38429 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
38430 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
38431 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
38432 diets that are driving them crazy.
38434 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
38435 Except with sour cream.
38437 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
38439 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
38440 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
38441 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
38442 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
38444 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
38445 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
38446 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
38447 general butter-melting by all.
38449 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
38450 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
38452 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
38455 An unfortunate state that persists as long
38456 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
38458 Poverty begins at home.
38460 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
38464 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
38465 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
38467 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
38468 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
38470 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
38472 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
38477 Power is the finest token of affection.
38479 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
38480 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
38481 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
38484 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
38486 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
38489 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
38491 Practical people would be more practical if
38492 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
38495 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
38498 Practically perfect people never permit
38499 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
38502 Practice is the best of all instructors.
38505 Practice yourself what you preach.
38506 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38509 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
38511 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
38512 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
38514 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
38517 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
38521 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
38522 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
38523 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38525 Predestination was doomed from the start.
38527 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
38531 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
38532 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38534 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
38537 Preserve the old, but know the new.
38539 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
38541 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
38543 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
38544 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
38546 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
38547 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
38548 -- The Washington Post
38550 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
38552 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
38553 It's on the other side.
38556 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
38558 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
38559 the working man, he loves to see him work.
38560 -- Winston Churchill
38562 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38563 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38564 -- Winston Churchill
38566 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38567 For having it off with his Mater;
38568 Revenge Dad or not?
38569 That's the gist of the plot,
38570 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38571 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38573 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38574 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38576 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38579 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38580 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38581 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38582 badly than someone else.
38584 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38587 Prizes are for children.
38589 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38591 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38593 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38594 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38595 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38596 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38597 -- Frederick Winsor
38599 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38600 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38601 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38602 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38606 A man who never buys.
38608 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38609 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38610 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38611 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38612 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38614 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38615 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38618 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38620 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38621 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38622 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38623 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38626 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38627 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38628 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38629 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38632 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38633 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38634 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38636 Programmers do it bit by bit.
38638 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38639 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38640 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38642 Programming Department:
38643 Mistakes made while you wait.
38645 Programming is an unnatural act.
38647 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38648 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38649 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38653 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38654 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38656 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38657 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38659 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38660 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38661 -- George Bernard Shaw
38663 Progress means replacing a theory that
38664 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38666 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38669 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38672 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38674 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38676 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38677 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38678 level where they can't foul up operations.
38680 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38682 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38684 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38685 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38687 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38689 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38690 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38691 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38692 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38693 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38694 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38696 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38697 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38698 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38699 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38700 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38702 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38703 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38705 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38707 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38709 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38711 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38713 Lack of a counterexample, and
38714 "It stands to reason"
38716 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38717 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38720 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38722 BBW Branch Both Ways
38723 BEW Branch Either Way
38724 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38726 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38728 BPO Branch on Power Off
38729 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38730 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38731 CLBR Clobber Register
38732 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38733 CM Circulate Memory
38734 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38735 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38736 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38738 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38740 DC Divide and Conquer
38741 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38742 DO Divide and Overflow
38743 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38744 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38745 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38746 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38747 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38748 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38749 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38750 PBC Print and Break Chain
38753 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38756 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38757 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38758 RASC Read And Shred Card
38759 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38760 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
38761 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
38763 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38764 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
38765 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38766 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38767 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38768 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38769 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38770 WBT Water Binary Tree
38772 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38775 Prototype designs always work.
38779 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38780 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38781 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38782 prototype is not expected to work.
38784 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38785 than the both put together.
38787 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38788 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38790 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38792 Pryor's Observation:
38793 How long you live has nothing to do
38794 with how long you are going to be dead.
38796 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38797 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38798 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38799 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38800 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38802 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38803 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38805 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38807 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38809 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38811 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38815 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38817 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38821 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38824 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38825 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38826 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38827 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38828 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38829 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38830 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38831 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38832 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38833 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38834 Philosophers think they're gods.
38836 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38837 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38840 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38841 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38844 Public use of any portable music system is a
38845 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38848 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38849 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
38852 Anything that begins well will end badly.
38853 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
38855 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
38857 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
38858 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
38859 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
38860 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
38861 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
38862 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
38863 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
38864 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
38866 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
38871 Someone who is deathly afraid that
38872 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
38874 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
38875 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
38878 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
38879 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
38880 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38882 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
38884 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
38886 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
38887 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
38888 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
38889 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
38892 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
38893 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
38895 Put another password in,
38896 Bomb it out, then try again.
38897 Try to get past logging in,
38898 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
38900 Try his first wife's maiden name,
38901 This is more than just a game.
38902 It's real fun, but just the same,
38903 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
38905 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
38907 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
38909 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
38911 Put your best foot forward.
38912 Or just call in and say you're sick.
38914 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
38916 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
38917 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
38919 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
38922 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
38923 Those who understand what they do not manage.
38924 Those who manage what they do not understand.
38926 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
38931 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
38934 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
38936 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
38940 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
38941 A: He got re-possessed!
38943 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
38944 A: With three more bullets.
38946 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
38948 A: You have to wait 22 months.
38950 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
38952 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
38954 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
38955 A: When his lips move.
38957 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
38958 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
38960 Q: But how did he get back down?
38961 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
38963 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
38966 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
38967 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
38969 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
38970 A: Unique up on it!
38972 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
38975 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
38977 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
38978 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
38980 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
38981 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
38983 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
38984 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
38986 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
38987 A: Throw him a rock.
38989 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
38990 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
38992 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
38993 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
38994 a blue-elephant gun.
38996 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
38997 A: Take away his credit cards.
38999 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39000 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39001 A: He changes the domain.
39003 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39004 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39006 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39007 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39009 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39010 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39011 of license fee (binary only).
39013 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39014 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39015 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39017 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39018 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39019 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39020 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39022 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39023 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39024 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39026 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39027 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
39029 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
39030 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
39032 Q: How long does it take?
39033 A: It's indeterminate.
39034 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
39036 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
39037 A: They replace your generator.
39039 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
39040 A: One more than you can find.
39042 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
39043 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
39045 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
39046 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
39048 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
39049 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
39051 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
39052 A: The door won't shut.
39054 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
39055 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
39057 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39058 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
39059 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
39060 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
39061 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
39063 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39064 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
39066 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
39067 A: None. The application can work around it.
39069 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39070 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
39072 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
39073 A: None. The user can figure it out.
39075 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39076 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
39078 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
39079 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
39081 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
39082 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
39084 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
39085 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
39086 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
39087 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
39088 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
39089 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
39091 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39092 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
39093 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
39094 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
39095 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
39096 the bulb in the first place.
39098 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39099 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
39101 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39102 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
39103 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
39104 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
39105 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
39106 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
39107 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
39108 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
39109 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
39110 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
39111 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
39112 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
39113 between the parties.
39115 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
39116 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
39117 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
39118 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
39119 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
39120 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
39121 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
39122 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
39123 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
39124 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
39125 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
39127 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
39128 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
39129 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
39130 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
39131 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
39132 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
39135 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
39136 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
39137 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
39138 revenue for the Partnership.
39140 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
39141 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
39142 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
39144 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
39145 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
39147 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39150 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39151 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
39153 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39154 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
39155 to the earlier joke.
39157 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
39159 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
39160 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
39161 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
39162 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
39163 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
39164 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
39165 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
39166 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
39167 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
39168 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
39169 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
39170 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
39171 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
39172 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
39173 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
39174 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
39175 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
39176 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
39178 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
39180 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
39183 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
39184 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
39185 out from under him.
39187 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
39188 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
39189 to really want to change.
39191 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39192 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
39193 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
39195 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
39196 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
39197 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
39199 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
39200 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
39201 with brightly colored machine tools.
39203 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
39205 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
39208 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39209 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
39212 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
39215 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
39218 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
39219 and putting wings on an elephant is?
39220 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
39222 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
39223 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
39224 bottles into the typewriter.
39226 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
39228 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
39229 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
39230 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
39231 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
39232 somebody else has made the correction.
39234 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
39235 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
39236 to inform the whole net right away!
39237 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
39240 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
39243 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
39244 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
39246 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
39248 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
39250 Q: What did the regular expression match?
39251 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
39253 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
39254 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
39255 they go down on you.
39257 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
39258 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
39260 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
39261 puzzle in only 6 months?
39262 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
39264 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
39265 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
39267 Q: What do monsters eat?
39270 Q: What do monsters drink?
39271 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
39273 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
39274 A: The impossible dream.
39276 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
39277 A: Rule the country.
39279 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
39280 A: The same middle name.
39282 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
39285 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
39286 A: To cover up the valve stem.
39288 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
39289 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
39291 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
39292 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
39294 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
39297 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
39300 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
39301 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
39303 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
39306 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
39307 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
39309 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
39310 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
39312 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
39313 eating fruit, and singing?
39314 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
39316 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
39317 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
39319 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
39322 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
39323 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
39326 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
39327 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
39329 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
39330 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
39333 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
39334 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
39337 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
39341 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
39343 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
39345 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
39346 A: An offer you can't understand.
39348 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
39349 A: Hot cross bunnies!
39351 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
39352 A: Not enough sand.
39354 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
39357 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
39358 A: To keep her neck warm.
39360 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
39361 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
39363 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
39364 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
39365 a delicious dessert.
39367 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
39370 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
39371 A: Exploding sheep.
39373 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
39376 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
39379 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
39382 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
39383 A: A ball point carrot.
39385 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
39388 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39389 A: A boolean grape.
39391 Q: What is purple and commutes?
39392 A: An Abelian grape.
39394 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
39395 A: Alexander the Grape.
39397 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
39398 A: One leg is both the same.
39400 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
39401 A: Yogurt has culture.
39403 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
39404 A: Her bowling shoes.
39406 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
39407 A: I think I'm drunk.
39409 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
39410 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
39412 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
39413 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
39415 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
39418 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
39419 A: A nervous wreck.
39421 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
39422 plays like a monkey?
39425 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
39428 Q: What's a light-year?
39429 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
39431 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
39432 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
39434 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
39435 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
39437 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
39440 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
39441 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
39442 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
39444 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
39445 A: Artificial intelligence.
39447 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
39448 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
39450 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
39453 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
39454 lawyer in the road?
39455 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
39457 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
39458 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
39460 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
39461 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
39463 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
39466 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
39469 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
39470 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
39472 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
39473 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
39475 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
39476 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
39478 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
39479 A: The Titanic had a band.
39481 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
39482 A: A canary with the super-user password.
39484 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
39487 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
39488 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
39490 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
39491 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
39493 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
39496 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
39497 A: Because they're worth it!
39499 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
39500 A: Because he was hungry.
39502 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
39503 A: To see what was on the other side.
39505 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
39508 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
39509 A: She opens the car door.
39511 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39512 A: He was giving it last rites.
39514 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
39515 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
39517 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
39518 A: To get to the other slide.
39520 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
39521 A: To get to the other slide.
39523 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
39524 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
39526 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
39527 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
39529 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
39530 A: Because that was her name.
39532 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
39533 A: Because it was on the other side.
39535 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
39536 A: To get to the middle.
39538 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
39539 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
39541 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
39542 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
39544 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
39545 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
39546 Oh, right, *of course*!
39548 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
39549 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
39550 an eye on the two intellectuals.
39552 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
39553 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
39554 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
39556 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
39557 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
39559 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
39560 A: To keep their ankles warm.
39562 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
39563 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39565 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39566 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39568 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39569 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39570 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39571 visiting, they always take three.
39573 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39574 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39575 gets all the credit.
39577 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39578 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39579 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39581 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39582 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39584 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39585 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39587 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39588 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39590 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39592 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39594 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39595 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39600 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39603 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39604 an emergency on my part."
39607 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39610 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39613 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39616 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39617 have to stop and breathe."
39618 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39621 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39624 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39627 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39631 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39632 too late to punish."
39635 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39639 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39642 "Her other car is a broom."
39645 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39649 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39652 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39655 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39658 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
39661 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39662 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39665 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39668 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39671 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39672 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
39673 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39676 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39679 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39682 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39685 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39686 ball in their court."
39687 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39690 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39694 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39695 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39698 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39701 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39702 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39705 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39708 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39712 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39715 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39718 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39721 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39725 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39729 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39730 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39733 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39736 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39739 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39742 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39745 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39748 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39751 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39754 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39757 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39760 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39762 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39765 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39768 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39771 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39774 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39778 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39779 hands in his own pockets."
39782 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39785 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39788 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39791 "It's been Monday all week today."
39794 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39797 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39798 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39801 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39804 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39807 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39808 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39811 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39812 strike. To make less money."
39815 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39819 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39822 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39826 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39830 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39833 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39836 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39837 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39838 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39839 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39842 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39845 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
39849 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
39852 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
39855 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
39858 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
39862 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
39865 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
39868 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
39871 "Our parents were never our age."
39874 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
39877 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
39880 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
39881 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
39884 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
39887 "She's about as smart as bait."
39890 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
39893 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
39896 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
39899 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
39900 I do what I get paid to do."
39903 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
39904 neck to get the dog to play with it."
39907 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
39910 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
39911 the snakes have gone away."
39914 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
39915 gerbil has more dark meat."
39918 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
39921 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
39925 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
39928 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
39931 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
39932 think he was broken!"
39935 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
39936 when I mess things up."
39939 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
39940 "baring your neck."
39943 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
39946 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
39949 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
39950 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
39953 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
39957 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
39963 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
39964 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
39966 Quality Control, n.:
39967 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
39968 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
39970 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
39971 but its the only one we've got.
39973 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
39974 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
39976 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
39979 The sound made by a well bred duck.
39981 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
39983 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
39984 -- William Shakespeare
39986 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
39990 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
39991 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
39994 Ask somebody something.
39997 Man Invented Alcohol,
39998 God Invented Grass.
40001 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40004 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
40006 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
40008 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
40010 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
40013 Whoever has any authority over you,
40014 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
40016 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
40019 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
40020 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
40027 Qvid me anxivs svm?
40030 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
40033 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
40037 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
40039 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
40042 rain falls where clouds come
40043 sun shines where clouds go
40044 clouds just come and go
40045 -- Florian Gutzwiller
40047 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
40049 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
40051 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
40053 Ralph's Observation:
40054 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
40055 realise that you are in a hurry.
40057 RAM wasn't built in a day.
40060 as in number, predictable.
40061 as in memory access, unpredictable.
40063 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
40065 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
40068 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
40070 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
40071 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
40072 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
40073 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
40074 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
40075 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
40076 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
40077 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
40078 Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
40079 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
40080 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
40082 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
40083 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
40084 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
40085 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
40086 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
40088 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
40089 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
40090 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
40091 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
40092 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
40093 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
40094 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
40095 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
40096 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
40097 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
40098 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
40100 Ray's Rule of Precision:
40101 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
40106 And drugs cause cramp.
40107 Guns aren't lawful;
40110 You might as well live.
40111 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
40114 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
40115 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
40116 described with pictures.
40118 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
40119 And find they do not know your name.
40120 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
40121 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
40122 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
40123 And feel its chill upon your blood.
40124 Hold a candle to the night,
40125 And see the darkness bend the flame.
40126 Tear the mask of peace from God,
40127 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
40128 Pluck a rose in name of love,
40129 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
40130 Lean upon the western wind,
40131 And know you are alone.
40134 Reactor error - core dumped!
40136 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
40137 Congress. But I repeat myself.
40140 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
40142 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
40144 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
40145 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
40146 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
40147 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
40149 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
40150 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
40153 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
40154 so long they can't afford the disk space.
40156 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
40157 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
40159 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
40160 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
40161 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
40163 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
40164 could they read their mail?
40166 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
40167 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
40168 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
40170 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
40171 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
40172 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
40175 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
40176 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
40179 Real programmers don't document; if it was
40180 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
40182 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
40183 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
40186 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
40187 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
40188 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
40189 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
40191 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
40192 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
40194 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
40195 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
40198 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
40199 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
40201 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
40203 Real programs don't eat cache.
40205 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
40206 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
40208 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
40209 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
40210 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
40212 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
40213 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
40214 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
40215 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
40216 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
40217 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
40218 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
40220 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
40221 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
40222 using an undocumented external procedure.
40225 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
40228 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
40229 afraid to break your face.
40231 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
40232 down the system for days.
40234 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
40236 Real Users know your home telephone number.
40238 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
40239 program doesn't deliver it.
40241 Real Users never use the Help key.
40243 Real wealth can only increase.
40244 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
40246 Real World, The n.:
40247 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
40248 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
40249 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
40250 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
40251 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
40252 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
40253 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
40254 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
40255 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
40258 Reality -- what a concept!
40261 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
40263 Reality does not exist - yet.
40265 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
40267 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
40270 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
40273 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
40275 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
40278 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
40280 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
40283 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
40287 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
40291 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
40294 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
40296 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
40297 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
40299 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
40300 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
40301 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
40303 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
40305 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
40306 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
40309 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
40310 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
40311 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
40312 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
40313 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
40314 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
40315 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
40316 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
40317 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
40319 Reception area, n.:
40320 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
40321 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
40322 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
40323 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
40326 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
40327 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
40328 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
40329 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
40331 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
40332 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
40333 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
40334 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
40335 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
40336 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
40337 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
40338 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
40339 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
40340 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
40341 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
40343 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
40346 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
40347 Take not a single bit!
40348 It used to point to me,
40349 Now I'm protecting it.
40350 It was the reader's CONS
40351 That made it, paired by dot;
40352 Now, GC, for the nonce,
40353 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
40355 Recursion is the root of computation
40356 since it trades description for time.
40358 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
40359 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
40361 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
40362 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
40366 Regression analysis:
40367 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
40371 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
40374 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
40377 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
40378 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
40380 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
40381 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
40382 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
40384 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
40385 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
40386 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
40388 Reliable source, n.:
40389 The guy you just met.
40391 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
40394 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
40396 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
40399 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
40401 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
40402 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
40403 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
40404 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40406 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
40410 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
40412 Remember Darwin; building a better
40413 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
40415 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
40416 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
40418 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
40420 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
40423 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
40425 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
40428 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
40429 have an established user base.
40431 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
40435 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
40436 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
40437 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
40439 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
40440 that you're the one holding it.
40441 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
40443 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
40444 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
40445 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
40446 Across The Eighth Dimension"
40448 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
40451 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
40452 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
40453 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
40455 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
40458 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
40459 worse in Cleveland.
40460 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
40462 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
40464 Remember the... the... uhh.....
40467 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
40468 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
40469 Yea, from the table of my memory
40470 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
40471 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
40472 That youth and observation copied there.
40473 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
40475 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
40477 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
40480 Remember: use logout to logout.
40482 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
40485 Remove me from this land of slaves,
40486 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
40487 Where every knave and fool is bought,
40488 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
40491 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
40492 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
40495 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
40497 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
40500 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
40501 -- Indiana University football cheer
40503 Reply hazy, ask again later.
40505 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
40506 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
40508 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
40509 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
40512 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
40514 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40516 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
40518 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
40519 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
40520 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
40521 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
40522 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
40523 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
40524 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
40525 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
40526 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
40527 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
40529 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
40531 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
40532 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
40533 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
40536 What others are not thinking about you.
40538 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
40539 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
40540 so you're still a valiant nerd.
40542 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
40543 and think what nobody else has thought.
40545 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
40546 -- Wernher von Braun
40550 He didn't know where he was going.
40551 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
40552 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
40553 And he did it all on someone else's money.
40555 Resisting temptation is easier when you
40556 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
40559 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
40560 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
40561 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
40562 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
40563 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40565 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40566 actually have a shot at it.
40568 Reunite Gondwanaland!
40570 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40572 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40574 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40576 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40578 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40582 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40583 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40584 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40585 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40587 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40588 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40589 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40590 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40592 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40593 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40594 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40595 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40598 A form of government abroad.
40601 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40602 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40604 Revolutionary, adj.:
40608 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40609 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40610 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40611 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40612 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40613 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40614 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40615 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40616 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40617 assume otherwise, maybe.
40619 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40620 should be happier than others.
40623 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40624 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40625 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40629 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40632 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40633 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40635 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40636 "Your winnings, sir."
40637 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40638 -- "Casablanca" (1942)
40640 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40641 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40643 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40646 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40647 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40648 rights, which they use or do not use.
40651 Ring around the collar.
40654 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40655 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40656 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40659 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40662 University administrator.
40665 Never having to say you're sorry.
40667 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40668 Unless the results are known in advance,
40669 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40671 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40673 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40675 Rome was not built in one day.
40678 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40680 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40681 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40682 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40684 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40685 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40686 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40687 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40690 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40691 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40699 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40700 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40702 Round Numbers are always false.
40705 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40707 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40709 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40710 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40713 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40714 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40715 stay in Washington and make it there.
40717 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40720 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40723 Rudin's Second Law:
40724 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40725 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40731 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40732 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40733 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40735 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40741 The Boss is always right.
40744 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40746 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40747 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40748 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40749 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40751 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40752 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40753 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40754 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40755 regain their composure.
40757 Rule of Creative Research:
40758 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40759 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40760 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40762 Rule of Defactualization:
40763 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40765 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40766 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40767 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40770 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40773 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40774 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40776 Rule the Empire through force.
40780 (1) The boss is always right.
40781 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40783 Rules for Academic Deans:
40785 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40786 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40788 Rules for driving in New York:
40789 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40790 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40791 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40794 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40795 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40796 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40797 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40798 4: About them sentence fragments.
40799 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40800 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40801 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40802 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40803 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40804 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40805 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40806 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40807 13: Correct speling is essential.
40808 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40809 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40810 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40811 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40814 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40815 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40816 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40817 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40818 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40819 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40820 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40821 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40822 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40823 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40824 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40825 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40826 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40827 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40829 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40830 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40831 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40832 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40833 (4) Enjoy your food.
40834 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40835 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40836 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40837 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40838 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40839 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40840 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40841 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40842 can always eat it later.
40843 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40844 (11) Avoid blue food.
40845 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
40847 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
40851 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
40853 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
40854 -- John Cameron Swayze
40856 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
40857 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
40858 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
40859 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
40860 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40863 Make three correct guesses consecutively
40864 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
40866 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40868 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
40869 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
40871 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
40872 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
40873 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
40874 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
40875 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
40876 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
40877 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
40879 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40886 Sacher's Observation:
40887 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
40889 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40892 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
40894 Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
40895 Beating a dead horse.
40899 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
40900 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
40902 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
40904 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
40905 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
40906 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
40907 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
40908 6. People ignore you at parties.
40909 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
40910 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
40912 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
40914 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
40915 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
40916 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
40917 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
40918 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
40919 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
40920 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
40922 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
40923 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
40924 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
40925 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
40926 laugh at you a great deal.
40928 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
40929 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
40930 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
40931 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
40933 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
40934 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
40935 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
40936 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
40938 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
40939 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
40942 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
40943 -- Heard on Noah's ark
40945 Sailors in ships, sail on!
40946 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
40948 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
40949 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
40951 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
40952 in small amounts over a long period of time.
40955 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
40957 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
40958 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
40959 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
40960 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
40961 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
40962 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
40963 uncharted waters here.
40966 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
40967 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
40968 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
40969 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
40971 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
40972 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
40973 Found him every couple of blocks.
40974 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
40976 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
40977 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
40978 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40980 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
40981 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
40982 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40984 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
40985 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
40986 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40988 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
40989 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
40990 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
40991 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
40992 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
40993 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
40995 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
40996 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
40997 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
40999 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
41000 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
41001 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
41003 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
41004 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
41005 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
41007 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
41008 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
41009 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
41011 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
41012 All: Norm! (Norman.)
41013 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
41014 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
41015 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
41017 Sam: What's new, Norm?
41018 Norm: Most of my wife.
41019 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
41022 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
41023 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
41025 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
41026 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
41027 to be the guinea pig.
41028 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
41031 Four million people, where you can't get a
41032 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
41034 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
41035 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
41036 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
41037 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
41038 -- George Halas, professional football coach
41040 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
41044 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
41046 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
41048 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
41051 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
41053 Santa Claus is watching!
41055 Santa Claus wears a red suit
41058 He has long hair and a beard
41059 Must be a pacifist.
41061 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
41063 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
41064 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
41066 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
41067 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
41069 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
41071 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
41072 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
41074 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
41076 Satire is tragedy plus time.
41079 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
41081 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
41085 It works better if you plug it in.
41087 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
41088 Is like being nowhere at all,
41089 All through the day how the hours rush by,
41090 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
41091 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
41093 Satyrs have more faun.
41095 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
41097 Savage's Law of Expediency:
41098 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
41100 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
41101 surprised at how little you have.
41104 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
41107 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
41109 Save energy: be apathetic.
41111 Save gas, don't eat beans.
41113 Save gas, don't use the shell.
41117 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
41119 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
41121 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
41123 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
41124 Bust in business, lost your wife;
41125 No one cares a cent about you,
41126 You don't care a cent for life;
41127 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
41128 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
41129 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
41130 And the big blue sky.
41133 Say it with flowers,
41134 Or say it with mink,
41135 But whatever you do,
41136 Don't say it with ink!
41139 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
41140 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
41141 No justice, please, curse ye!
41142 We really want mercy:
41143 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
41144 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
41146 Say my love is easy had,
41147 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
41148 Say I am too often sad --
41149 Still behold me at your side.
41151 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
41152 Say I woo and coddle care,
41153 Say the devil touched my tongue,
41154 Still you have my heart to wear.
41156 But say my verses do not scan,
41157 And I get me another man!
41158 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
41160 Say no, then negotiate.
41163 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
41165 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
41167 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
41171 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
41172 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
41173 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
41175 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
41178 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
41179 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
41180 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
41181 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
41182 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
41183 intently watching him.
41186 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
41188 Schapiro's Explanation:
41189 The grass is always greener on the other side --
41190 but that's because they use more manure.
41192 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
41194 Schlattwhapper, n.:
41195 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
41196 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
41197 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41199 Schmidt's Observation:
41200 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
41201 than a thin person.
41204 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
41206 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41208 Science and religion are in full accord but
41209 science and faith are in complete discord.
41211 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
41212 Frank has built and lost his creature.
41213 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
41214 The servants gone to a distant planet.
41216 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41217 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
41218 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
41219 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
41221 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
41222 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
41224 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
41226 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
41227 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
41228 is not necessarily science.
41229 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
41231 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
41232 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
41235 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
41237 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
41239 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
41241 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
41242 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
41243 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
41244 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
41245 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
41246 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
41247 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
41248 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
41249 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
41250 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
41251 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
41252 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
41253 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
41254 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
41255 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
41257 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
41258 -- William F. Buckley
41261 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
41262 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
41263 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
41264 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
41266 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
41267 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
41268 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
41269 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
41270 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
41271 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
41272 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
41273 together. "There is now", came the reply.
41275 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
41276 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
41277 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
41278 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
41279 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
41280 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
41282 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
41284 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
41285 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
41286 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
41287 Scorpio people are murdered.
41289 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
41290 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
41291 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
41292 to throw up. Knock it off.
41294 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
41295 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
41296 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
41297 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
41298 to win. You never learn.
41301 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
41303 Scott's second Law:
41304 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
41305 to have been wrong in the first place.
41308 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
41309 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
41311 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
41312 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
41313 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
41314 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
41315 Spock: Affirmative.
41316 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
41317 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
41319 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
41322 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
41324 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41326 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
41328 -- Richard M. Nixon
41330 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
41331 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
41333 Sears has everything.
41335 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
41337 Second Law of Business Meetings:
41338 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
41339 will pick the wrong one.
41342 If there is only one way to spell a name,
41343 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
41345 Second Law of Final Exams:
41346 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
41347 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
41349 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
41351 Secretary's Revenge:
41352 Filing almost everything under "the".
41354 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
41355 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
41356 multiline message byte.
41357 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
41358 must be sent passive true.
41359 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
41360 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
41361 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
41362 (a) The LADS is active
41363 (b) Nor LACS is active
41365 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
41366 Programmable Instrumentation
41368 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
41370 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
41371 [Who guards the Guardians?]
41373 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
41374 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
41375 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
41377 Sightlessly seeking
41378 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
41379 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
41381 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
41383 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
41384 the second one should have seen it.
41386 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
41387 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
41388 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
41389 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
41390 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
41391 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
41392 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
41394 Seeing is believing.
41395 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
41397 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
41400 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
41401 Will come when it will come.
41402 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41404 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
41405 -- Alfred North Whitehead
41407 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
41408 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
41409 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
41410 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
41411 rocks. They all got out of the car:
41412 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
41413 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
41414 into town and have a specialist look at it."
41415 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
41416 in and see if it does it again."
41418 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
41419 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
41421 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
41422 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
41423 you like me to put it on your bill?"
41424 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
41426 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
41427 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
41428 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
41429 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
41430 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
41432 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
41433 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
41434 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
41435 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
41436 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
41437 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
41438 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
41439 like when God was working it alone!"
41441 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
41442 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
41444 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
41445 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
41448 "Got any bear bells?"
41450 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
41451 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
41452 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
41454 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
41455 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
41458 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
41459 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
41461 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
41462 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
41463 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
41464 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
41466 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
41467 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
41468 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
41469 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
41470 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
41471 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
41472 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
41473 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
41474 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
41475 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
41476 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
41477 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
41478 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
41479 some new underwear.
41480 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
41481 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
41482 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
41483 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
41484 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
41485 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
41487 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
41488 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
41490 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
41491 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
41493 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
41494 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
41496 Self Test for Paranoia:
41497 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
41501 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
41505 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
41508 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
41510 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41512 Send some filthy mail.
41514 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
41515 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
41518 The state of mind of elderly persons
41519 with whom one happens to disagree.
41521 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
41522 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
41523 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
41524 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
41526 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
41528 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
41532 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
41534 Serenity through viciousness.
41539 Serocki's Stricture:
41540 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
41542 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
41544 Set the cart before the horse.
41547 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
41548 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
41549 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
41550 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
41551 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
41552 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
41553 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
41554 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
41555 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
41557 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
41558 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
41559 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
41560 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
41561 like crabgrass all over the United States.
41562 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
41564 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41565 Is all my brain and body need.
41566 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41567 Are very good indeed.
41569 Take your silly ways,
41570 Throw them out the window,
41571 The wisdom of your ways,
41572 I've been there and I know,
41573 Lots of other ways...
41574 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41576 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41578 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41581 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41583 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41584 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41587 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41590 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41592 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41594 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41595 -- Garrison Keillor
41597 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41598 it's still darn tasty!
41600 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
41603 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41607 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41610 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41611 most amount of trouble.
41614 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41615 repeated until infinity.
41616 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41617 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41620 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41621 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41624 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41625 how children do not come into the world.
41628 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41630 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41631 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41634 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41635 pietists to oppress the human race.
41636 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41638 Shannon's Observation
41639 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41640 that is beginning to improve.
41643 To give in, endure humiliation.
41645 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41646 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41647 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41651 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41654 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41656 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41658 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41659 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41660 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41661 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41663 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41664 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41665 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41666 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41668 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41669 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41670 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41672 She been married so many times
41673 she got rice marks all over her face.
41676 She blinded me with science!
41678 She can kill all your files;
41679 She can freeze with a frown.
41680 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41681 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41682 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41683 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41685 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41688 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41690 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41693 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41696 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41697 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41698 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41699 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41700 involvement in "The Avengers".
41702 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41705 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41706 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41708 She often gave herself very good advice
41709 (though she very seldom followed it).
41710 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
41712 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
41713 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41715 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41716 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41717 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41718 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41720 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41722 She stood on the tracks
41724 Leading me to that third rail shock
41726 She changed her mind
41728 She gave me a night
41730 What will it take until I stop
41734 There's nothing else I can do
41735 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41736 I don't want anyone new
41737 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41738 There's nothing in it for you
41739 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41740 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41742 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41743 But she's just a crumb up here
41744 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41745 With a cauliflower ear
41746 Someday we will be married
41747 And if vegetables become too dear
41748 I'll just cut me a slice of
41749 Her cauliflower ear!
41750 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41752 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41753 good at being short.
41754 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41756 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41758 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41760 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41763 All trails have more uphill sections
41764 than they have downhill sections.
41766 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41768 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41769 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41770 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41771 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41772 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41773 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41774 bad fiction contest.
41776 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41777 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41778 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41781 She's genuinely bogus.
41783 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41784 that others waste time putting into words.
41786 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41788 She's such a kinky girl,
41789 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41790 She will never let your spirits down
41791 Once you get her off the street.
41793 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41796 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41799 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41802 Shift to the right,
41804 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41807 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41811 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41813 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41814 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41815 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41816 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41819 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41820 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41821 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41823 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41824 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41825 body join her long dead brain.
41827 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41828 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
41831 Short people get rained on last.
41833 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
41836 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
41837 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
41840 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
41841 playing golf with his boss.
41843 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
41845 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
41847 Showing up is 80% of life.
41850 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
41853 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
41854 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
41857 Sic transit gloria Monday!
41859 Sic transit gloria mundi.
41860 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
41863 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
41865 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
41867 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
41869 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
41871 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
41872 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
41874 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
41875 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
41879 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
41882 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
41884 sillema sillema nika su
41885 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
41887 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41889 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
41890 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
41891 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
41892 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
41893 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
41894 intersection in town. BUT!
41896 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41897 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
41899 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
41900 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
41901 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
41902 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
41904 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41905 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
41908 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
41911 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
41913 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
41917 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
41918 character of this point is therefore another method for the
41919 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
41922 -- by Claude E. Shannon
41924 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
41930 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
41932 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
41933 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
41934 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
41937 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
41938 when others believe him.
41939 -- Charles DeGaulle
41941 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
41943 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
41944 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
41945 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
41947 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
41948 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
41949 burst out in laughter.
41952 Since I hurt my pendulum
41953 My life is all erratic.
41954 My parrot who was cordial
41955 Is now transmitting static.
41956 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
41957 The cat keeps doing poo.
41958 The only thing that keeps me sane
41959 Is talking to my shoe.
41962 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
41965 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
41969 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
41970 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
41972 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
41974 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
41976 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
41979 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
41980 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
41981 -- Winston Churchill
41983 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
41984 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
41985 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
41987 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
41988 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
41989 It'll cost you though".
41991 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
41992 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
41994 "An arm and a leg", said God.
41996 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
41999 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
42000 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
42001 gives us modern art.
42004 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
42005 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
42006 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
42007 should have gotten.
42009 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
42010 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
42011 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
42012 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
42013 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
42016 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
42018 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
42019 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
42021 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
42022 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
42023 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
42024 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
42025 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
42026 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
42027 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
42028 for deliverance from chains.
42029 -- Frederick Douglass
42031 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
42034 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
42036 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
42037 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
42038 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
42039 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
42040 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
42041 attracted to dark objects.
42044 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
42049 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
42052 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
42053 it sits in the dish too long.
42054 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42056 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
42058 Small is beautiful.
42059 -- Schumacher's Dictum
42061 Small things make base men proud.
42062 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
42064 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
42065 teacher was in my class for five years.
42068 Smear the road with a runner!!
42070 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
42072 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
42074 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
42077 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
42078 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
42079 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
42080 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
42081 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
42082 filed 30 days in advance.
42084 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
42087 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
42089 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
42090 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
42093 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
42094 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
42096 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42098 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
42101 What you'd say if you had another chance.
42103 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
42105 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
42106 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
42108 Snow Day -- stay home.
42110 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
42111 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
42112 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
42113 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
42114 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
42115 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
42117 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
42118 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
42119 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
42120 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
42122 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
42123 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
42124 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
42125 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
42126 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
42127 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
42128 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
42131 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
42134 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
42135 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
42136 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
42137 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
42138 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
42139 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
42140 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
42141 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
42142 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
42144 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
42145 praise of intelligence.
42146 -- Bertrand Russell
42148 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
42149 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
42150 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
42151 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
42153 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
42154 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
42155 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
42156 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
42157 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
42158 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
42159 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
42160 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
42161 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
42163 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
42165 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
42166 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
42168 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
42171 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
42172 large as it needs to be?
42174 So little time, so little to do.
42177 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
42178 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
42180 So many beautiful women and so little time.
42183 So many men and so little time.
42185 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
42186 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
42188 So many women, and so little time!
42190 So many women, so little nerve.
42192 So much food, and so little time!
42208 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
42231 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
42232 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
42233 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
42235 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
42236 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
42237 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
42238 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
42239 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
42240 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
42244 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
42245 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
42246 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
42248 So... so you think you can tell
42250 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
42251 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
42252 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
42253 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
42254 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
42256 A walk on part in a war
42257 For the lead role in a cage?
42258 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
42260 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
42261 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
42263 So, you better watch out!
42264 You better not cry!
42265 You better not pout!
42266 I'm telling you why,
42267 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
42269 He knows when you've been sleeping,
42270 He know when you're awake.
42271 He knows if you've been bad or good,
42272 He has ties with the CIA.
42275 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
42276 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
42277 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
42278 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
42279 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
42280 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
42281 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
42283 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
42284 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
42287 So you're back... about time...
42289 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
42290 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
42294 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
42297 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
42299 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
42301 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
42302 The government sells it.
42304 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
42306 The government shoots one cow,
42307 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
42309 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
42311 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
42314 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
42318 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
42320 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
42321 like a staff function."
42324 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
42325 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
42326 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
42327 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
42329 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
42330 Are practically zero,
42331 But those who wish to be civilians,
42332 They run into the millions.
42334 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
42337 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
42338 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
42341 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
42342 and some few to be chewed and digested.
42344 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
42346 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
42347 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
42349 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
42350 as when you find a trout in the milk.
42353 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
42355 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
42357 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
42359 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
42361 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
42364 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
42368 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
42369 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
42370 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
42372 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
42374 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
42375 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
42378 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
42379 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
42381 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
42384 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
42385 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
42388 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
42389 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
42392 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
42395 Some men who fear that they are playing
42396 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
42398 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
42399 The answer is: I don't know.
42400 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
42402 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
42403 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
42404 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
42405 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
42406 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
42407 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
42408 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
42409 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
42411 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
42412 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
42413 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
42414 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
42415 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
42416 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
42417 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
42418 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
42419 he received, shame and wounds."
42421 Some of the things that live the longest
42422 in peoples' memories never really happened.
42424 Some of them want to use you,
42425 Some of them want to be used by you,
42426 ...Everybody's looking for something.
42429 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
42432 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
42433 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
42434 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
42435 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
42436 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
42437 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
42438 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
42439 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
42440 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
42441 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
42442 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
42444 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
42446 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
42447 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
42449 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
42450 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
42451 two-dimensional ones.
42452 -- F. Frederick Skitty
42454 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
42456 Some people cause happiness wherever
42457 they go; others, whenever they go.
42459 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
42460 but at least you only have to climb it once.
42462 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
42463 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
42465 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
42467 Some people have parts that are so private
42468 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
42470 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
42473 Some people live life in the fast lane.
42474 You're in oncoming traffic.
42476 Some people manage by the book, even though they
42477 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
42479 Some people need a good imaginary cure
42480 for their painful imaginary ailment.
42482 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
42484 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
42486 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
42487 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
42490 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
42491 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
42493 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
42494 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
42498 Some points to remember [about animals]:
42500 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
42502 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
42503 front of your clothes;
42504 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
42505 you have just kicked.
42506 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42508 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
42509 And tasted it, and found it good.
42510 And that is why your Cousin May
42511 Fell through the parlor floor today.
42514 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
42516 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42518 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
42520 Some say the world will end in fire,
42522 From what I've tasted of desire
42523 I hold with those who favor fire.
42524 But if it had to perish twice
42525 I think I know enough of hate
42526 To say that for destruction, ice
42529 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
42531 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
42534 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
42536 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
42539 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
42540 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
42542 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
42543 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
42544 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
42545 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
42547 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
42548 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
42549 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
42550 That don't smell very nice --
42551 He's nobody's moggy now.
42553 Oh you who love your pussy,
42554 Be sure to keep him in.
42555 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
42556 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
42557 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
42558 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
42559 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
42560 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
42561 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
42562 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
42563 Just red and squashed and soggy --
42564 He's nobody's moggy now.
42565 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
42567 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42568 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42570 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42571 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42573 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42574 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42575 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42578 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42581 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42583 Someday your prints will come.
42586 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42587 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42588 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42590 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42592 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42593 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42594 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42597 Someone is speaking well of you.
42600 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42602 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42604 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42606 Something better...
42608 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42609 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42610 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42611 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42612 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42613 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42615 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42617 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42618 mind putting that thing away.
42619 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42620 It's what's in it that matters.
42621 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42623 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42624 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42626 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42627 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42629 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42630 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42632 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42633 -- William Shakespeare
42635 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42636 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42639 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42642 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42643 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42646 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42647 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42648 -- Richard M. Nixon
42650 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42653 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42654 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42655 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42656 Either light up or leave me alone.
42658 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42659 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42663 Sometimes I live in the country,
42664 And sometimes I live in town.
42665 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42666 To jump in the river and drown.
42668 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42669 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42671 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42672 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42673 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42675 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42678 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42681 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42683 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42684 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42685 me because I am beautiful.
42686 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
42688 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42690 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42691 Other times I can hardly see.
42692 Lately it occurs to me
42693 What a long strange trip it's been.
42694 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42696 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42699 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42700 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42701 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42702 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42705 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42706 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42709 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42713 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42715 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42717 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42718 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42721 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42724 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42725 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42726 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42727 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42728 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42730 Song Title of the Week:
42731 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42734 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42735 paid may disregard this fortune).
42737 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42741 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42743 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42745 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42746 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42747 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42748 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42750 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42753 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42756 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42757 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42758 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42759 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42762 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42764 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42766 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42769 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42770 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42771 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42774 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42775 And beat him when he sneezes:
42776 He only does it to annoy
42777 Because he knows it teases.
42781 I speak severely to my boy,
42782 And beat him when he sneezes:
42783 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42784 The pepper when he pleases!
42787 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
42789 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42790 And boot it when it crashes;
42791 It knows that one cannot relax
42792 Because the paging thrashes!
42796 I speak severely to my VAX,
42797 And boot it when it crashes;
42798 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42799 My jobs it always thrashes!
42803 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42805 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42808 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42809 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42810 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42811 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42812 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42813 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42814 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42815 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42816 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42817 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42818 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42819 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42820 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42821 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42822 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42823 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42824 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42825 syllable is thine!"
42826 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42828 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
42829 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
42830 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
42831 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
42832 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
42833 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
42834 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
42835 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
42836 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
42838 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
42840 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
42841 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
42842 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
42843 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
42844 Helpless users with projects due
42845 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
42847 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
42848 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
42850 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
42851 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
42854 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
42855 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
42856 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
42857 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
42858 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
42859 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
42860 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
42861 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
42863 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
42864 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
42866 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
42867 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
42868 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
42869 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
42870 Faculty members especially welcome.
42872 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
42874 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
42875 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
42876 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
42877 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
42879 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
42880 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
42881 number of times you have looked at it.
42883 Spelling is a lossed art.
42885 Spence's Admonition:
42886 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
42888 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
42894 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
42896 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42898 Spock: The odds of surviving another
42899 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
42901 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
42904 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
42905 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
42907 Spring is here, spring is here,
42908 Life is skittles and life is beer.
42911 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
42912 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42914 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
42916 St. Patrick was a gentleman
42917 who through strategy and stealth
42918 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
42919 Here's a toasting to his health --
42920 but not too many toastings
42921 lest you lose yourself and then
42922 forget the good St. Patrick
42923 and see all those snakes again.
42925 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
42927 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
42929 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
42930 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
42931 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
42932 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
42933 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
42934 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
42935 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
42936 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
42937 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
42938 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
42939 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
42940 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
42941 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
42942 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
42943 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
42944 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
42945 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
42946 All it said was: "Write two letters."
42948 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
42950 Stamp out philately.
42953 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
42955 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
42956 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
42957 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
42960 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
42962 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
42963 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
42965 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
42966 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
42967 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
42968 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
42971 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
42974 Start the day with a smile.
42975 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
42977 State license plates we'd like to see:
42979 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
42981 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
42985 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
42987 State license plates we'd like to see:
42991 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
42993 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
42995 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
42999 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
43001 State license plates we'd like to see:
43003 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
43004 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
43005 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
43007 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
43009 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
43011 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
43012 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
43013 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
43017 A system for expressing your political
43018 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
43020 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
43023 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
43025 Stay away from flying saucers today.
43027 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
43031 Stay together, drag each other down.
43033 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
43034 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
43035 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
43037 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
43038 Though we really did try to make it,
43039 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
43041 It used to be so easy living here with you,
43042 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
43043 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
43045 There'll be good times again for me and you,
43046 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
43047 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
43049 But it's too late baby...
43050 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
43051 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
43053 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
43054 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
43055 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
43056 its rate is a matter of discretion.
43057 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
43059 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
43061 Steckel's Rule to Success:
43062 Good enough is never good enough.
43064 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
43065 Everybody should believe in something --
43066 I believe I'll have another drink.
43068 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
43069 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
43072 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
43073 Embezzlement is another matter.
43076 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
43078 Step back, unbelievers!
43079 Or the rain will never come.
43080 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
43081 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
43082 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
43083 you folks are gonna see some rain!
43085 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
43086 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
43087 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
43088 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
43089 very little call for those up there.
43090 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
43092 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
43093 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
43095 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
43096 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
43098 Stock's Observation:
43099 You no sooner get your head above water
43100 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
43103 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
43105 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
43106 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
43107 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
43108 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
43109 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
43110 on the credulity of human nature.
43112 Stop me, before I kill again!
43114 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
43115 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
43117 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
43119 Strange things are done to be number one
43120 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
43121 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
43122 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
43123 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
43124 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
43125 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
43126 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
43127 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
43128 Would ship for Celtic gold.
43129 The movers came to crate the frame;
43130 It weighed a million ton!
43131 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
43132 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
43133 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
43134 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
43135 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
43136 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
43137 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
43138 Because they couldn't deliver.
43139 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
43142 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
43145 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
43146 after those creating it have left the organization.
43148 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
43150 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
43151 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
43152 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
43153 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
43154 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
43155 and have a nice day.
43157 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
43158 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
43159 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
43160 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43163 Our problems are mostly behind us.
43164 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
43167 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
43169 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
43171 Stupidity is its own reward.
43174 90% of everything is crud.
43176 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
43178 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
43179 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
43181 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
43182 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
43185 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
43186 way before it is understood.
43188 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
43189 the streets after them.
43192 Success is a journey, not a destination.
43194 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
43196 Success is in the minds of Fools.
43197 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
43199 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
43201 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
43203 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
43205 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
43206 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43208 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
43210 Such a fine first dream!
43211 But they laughed at me; they said
43214 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
43215 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
43217 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
43218 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
43219 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
43221 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
43222 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
43224 Sudden Death Dating:
43227 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
43228 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
43230 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
43231 without his duck ...
43233 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
43234 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
43235 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
43236 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
43237 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
43239 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
43241 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
43243 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
43248 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
43249 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
43250 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
43253 The Network IS the Load Average.
43255 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
43257 To code the impossible code,
43258 To bring up a virgin machine,
43259 To pop out of endless recursion,
43260 To grok what appears on the screen,
43262 To right the unrightable bug,
43263 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
43264 To mount the unmountable magtape,
43265 To stop the unstoppable crash!
43268 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
43269 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
43270 progressively reducing solar elevation.
43272 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
43273 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
43276 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
43277 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
43278 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
43279 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
43281 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
43282 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
43284 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
43286 -- Overheard at a supervision
43288 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
43290 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
43292 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
43294 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
43295 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
43297 Support the Girl Scouts!
43298 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
43300 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
43302 Support your local church or synagogue.
43303 Worship at Bank of America.
43305 Support your local police force -- steal!!
43307 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
43309 Support your right to arm bears!!
43311 Support your right to bare arms!
43312 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
43314 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
43315 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
43316 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
43317 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
43318 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
43319 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
43320 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
43322 -- Christopher Evans
43324 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
43326 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
43327 But what if he forgets?
43329 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
43330 men in national government too.
43331 -- Richard M. Nixon
43333 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
43335 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
43336 Just type in your name and social security number.
43337 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
43343 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
43345 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
43348 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
43349 strapped on with electrical tape.
43352 The way of the tuna.
43354 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
43355 -- William Shakespeare
43358 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
43362 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
43365 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
43368 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
43370 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
43373 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
43374 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
43376 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
43377 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
43378 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
43380 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
43382 Swipple's Rule of Order:
43383 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
43385 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
43386 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
43389 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
43390 unusually pale and clear.
43391 Problem: Glass empty.
43392 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43394 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
43395 and the front of your shirt is wet.
43396 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
43397 wrong part of face.
43398 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
43399 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
43401 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43403 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
43404 Fault: The Bar is closing.
43405 Action Required: Panic.
43407 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
43408 You cannot see the bathroom light.
43409 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
43410 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
43411 treat yourself to a lie-in.
43413 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43415 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
43416 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
43417 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
43420 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
43421 Fault: Improper bladder control.
43422 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
43423 to the owner about its lack of house training and
43424 demand a beer as compensation.
43426 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43428 Symptom: Floor blurred.
43429 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
43430 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
43432 Symptom: Floor moving.
43433 Fault: You are being carried out.
43434 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
43435 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
43437 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43439 Symptom: Floor swaying.
43440 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
43442 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
43444 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
43445 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
43446 Fault: You have fallen forward.
43447 Action Required: See above.
43449 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
43450 fluorescent light strips.
43451 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
43452 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
43453 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
43454 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
43456 -- Bar Troubleshooting
43458 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
43459 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43461 System checkpoint complete.
43463 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
43465 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
43467 System going down in 5 minutes.
43469 System restarting, wait...
43471 System/3! System/3!
43472 See how it runs! See how it runs!
43473 Its monitor loses so totally!
43474 It runs all its programs in RPG!
43475 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
43478 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
43479 Works equally poorly on all systems.
43481 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
43482 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
43483 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43485 Systems programmer:
43486 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
43487 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
43488 are to receive from your boss.
43490 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
43493 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
43494 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
43495 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
43496 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
43497 -- The Roguelet's ABC
43500 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
43502 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
43505 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
43508 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
43509 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
43511 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
43514 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
43516 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
43517 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
43519 Take an astronaut to launch.
43521 Take care of the luxuries and the
43522 necessities will take care of themselves.
43525 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
43526 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
43528 Take everything in stride.
43529 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
43531 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
43532 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
43534 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
43536 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
43538 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
43543 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
43544 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
43547 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
43548 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
43549 have given them to you.
43551 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
43554 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
43555 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
43556 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
43557 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
43559 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
43561 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
43562 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
43563 -- Booth Tarkington
43565 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
43566 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43569 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43571 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43574 Talkers are no good doers.
43575 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43577 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43580 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43581 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43583 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43584 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43585 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43587 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43588 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43589 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43590 It's hanging there on the shed.
43592 All together now...
43593 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43594 Tie me kangaroo down.
43595 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43596 Tie me kangaroo down.
43598 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43599 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43600 -- Benjamin Franklin
43602 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43603 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43604 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43605 headed. You are a Communist.
43607 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43608 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43609 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43610 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43612 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43613 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43614 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43615 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43620 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43621 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43624 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43627 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43630 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43633 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43635 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43636 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43637 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43639 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43642 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43643 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43645 Teachers have class.
43648 Having someone to blame.
43650 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43653 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43654 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43655 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43656 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43657 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43658 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43659 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43660 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43661 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43663 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43664 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43665 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43666 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43667 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43668 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43669 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43670 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43671 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43672 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43673 a moment and then log off."
43675 Technological progress has merely provided us
43676 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43679 Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
43680 Teeth for humans are in the soul.
43681 A strong body defeats one,
43682 A strong soul conquers many.
43683 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43685 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43686 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43688 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43689 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43690 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43691 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43695 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43696 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43697 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43700 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43701 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43702 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43703 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43705 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43708 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43711 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43712 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43714 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43718 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43719 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43721 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43722 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43725 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43726 rather than each other.
43728 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43729 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43730 to touch to be sure.
43732 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43733 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43734 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43735 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43738 Tell me what to think!!!
43740 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43741 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43742 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43743 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43745 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43746 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43747 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43748 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43750 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43751 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43754 Tempt me with a spoon!
43756 Tempt not a desperate man.
43757 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43759 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43760 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43761 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43762 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43763 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43764 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43765 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43766 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43767 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43769 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43772 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43773 way of telling you to stop writing.
43776 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43777 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43778 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43779 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43780 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43781 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43782 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43783 It sleeps well the horned head:
43784 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43785 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43786 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43787 Your friends to death before their time.
43788 Moping, melancholy mad:
43789 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43792 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43793 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43796 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43797 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43798 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43799 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43800 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43802 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43803 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43804 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43805 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43806 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43807 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43808 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43809 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43810 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43811 contemptuously rejected it.
43812 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43813 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43817 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43818 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43819 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43820 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43821 the solution will turn blue-green.
43823 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
43824 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43826 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
43831 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
43832 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
43833 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
43836 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
43837 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
43838 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
43839 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
43840 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
43841 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
43842 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
43843 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
43844 called you from here."
43846 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
43849 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
43851 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
43852 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
43853 -- J. Finnegan, USC
43855 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
43858 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
43859 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
43861 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
43863 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
43864 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
43866 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
43869 That does not compute.
43871 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
43872 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
43873 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
43874 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
43876 That feeling just came over me.
43877 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
43879 That government is best which governs least.
43880 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
43882 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
43883 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
43884 in the same way as us.
43885 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
43893 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
43896 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
43898 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
43899 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
43900 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
43903 That, that is not, is not.
43904 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
43905 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
43907 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
43908 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
43909 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
43910 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
43911 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
43912 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
43913 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
43915 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
43917 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
43920 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
43921 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
43922 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
43925 That's always the way when you discover
43926 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
43932 How much does it cost?
43934 I only have a dollar.
43937 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
43938 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
43939 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
43940 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
43941 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
43943 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
43944 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
43945 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
43950 That's odd. That's very odd.
43951 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
43953 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
43956 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
43957 -- Woody Allen, on sex
43959 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
43960 really hate is lousy programmers.
43961 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
43963 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
43964 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
43967 That's what she said.
43969 That's where the money was.
43970 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
43972 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
43975 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
43978 The 357.73 Theory --
43979 Auditors always reject expense accounts
43980 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
43982 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
43984 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
43985 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
43986 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
43988 The Abrams' Principle:
43989 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
43991 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
43994 The absent ones are always at fault.
43996 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
43999 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
44000 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
44002 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
44005 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
44006 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
44007 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
44008 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
44009 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
44010 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
44012 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
44013 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
44014 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
44016 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
44017 -- Thomas Jefferson
44019 The Advertising Agency Song:
44021 When your client's hopping mad,
44022 Put his picture in the ad.
44023 If he still should prove refractory,
44024 Add a picture of his factory.
44026 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
44027 he is already degraded.
44030 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
44031 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
44034 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
44035 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
44037 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
44038 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
44041 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
44043 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
44045 The all-softening overpowering knell,
44046 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
44049 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
44050 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
44051 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
44053 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
44054 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
44058 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
44059 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
44060 -- Finley Peter Dunne
44062 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
44063 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
44064 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
44067 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
44068 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
44070 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
44073 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
44074 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
44075 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
44077 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
44078 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
44079 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
44080 even better, nobody has to play it.
44081 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44083 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
44084 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
44086 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
44088 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
44091 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
44092 with which you can threaten your enemies.
44095 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
44096 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
44097 -- Salvador De Madariaga
44099 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
44100 -- Albertano of Brescia
44102 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
44103 doctors nor lawyers.
44106 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
44107 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
44108 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
44109 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
44110 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
44111 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
44112 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
44113 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
44114 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
44115 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
44116 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
44117 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
44118 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
44119 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
44120 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
44121 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
44122 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
44123 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
44124 And dare not stray to ideas new,
44125 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
44126 And for a living what woulds't we do?
44128 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
44129 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
44130 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
44131 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
44132 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
44133 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
44134 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
44135 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
44136 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
44137 fire-fighting aircraft.
44139 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
44141 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
44143 Four day work week,
44144 Two ply toilet paper!
44146 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
44147 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
44148 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
44150 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
44151 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
44152 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
44153 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
44154 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
44155 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
44156 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
44159 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
44160 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
44161 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
44162 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
44163 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
44165 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
44166 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
44167 and color, but also on ability.
44170 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
44173 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
44174 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
44175 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
44178 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
44179 Jupiter can have no satellites:
44181 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
44182 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
44183 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
44184 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
44185 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
44186 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
44187 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
44188 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
44189 and therefore do not exist.
44191 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
44193 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
44194 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
44195 -- Ladies' Home Journal
44197 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
44198 the morning feeling just terrible.
44201 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
44203 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
44204 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
44206 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
44208 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
44209 one graveyard to another.
44210 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
44212 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
44213 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
44214 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
44218 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
44219 average man can see better than he can think.
44221 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
44222 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
44223 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
44225 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
44226 carries any reward.
44227 -- John Maynard Keynes
44229 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
44230 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
44232 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
44234 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
44235 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
44236 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
44237 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
44238 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
44240 The bank sent our statement this morning,
44241 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
44242 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
44243 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
44245 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
44246 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
44247 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
44248 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
44249 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
44250 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
44251 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
44252 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
44253 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
44254 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
44255 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
44256 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
44258 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
44260 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
44261 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
44262 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
44263 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
44264 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
44265 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
44266 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
44267 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
44268 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
44269 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
44270 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
44271 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
44272 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
44274 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
44275 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
44276 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
44277 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
44278 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
44279 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44282 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
44284 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
44285 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
44287 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
44288 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
44291 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
44294 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
44295 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
44297 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
44298 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
44299 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
44300 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
44301 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
44302 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
44303 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
44305 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
44308 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
44310 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
44314 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
44317 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
44318 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
44319 by judging things by their price.
44321 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
44322 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
44323 them while they do it.
44324 -- Theodore Roosevelt
44326 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
44328 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
44331 The best man for the job is often a woman.
44333 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
44335 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
44337 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
44338 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
44341 The best prophet of the future is the past.
44343 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
44344 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
44346 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
44347 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
44348 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
44349 being read by a corpse.
44351 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
44352 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
44353 drifting side by side to our common doom.
44356 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
44357 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
44359 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
44361 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
44363 The best things in life are for a fee.
44365 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
44367 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
44369 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
44371 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
44373 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
44375 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
44379 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
44380 smoke is a right worth dying for.
44382 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
44383 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
44384 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
44385 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
44386 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
44387 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
44388 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
44390 The best you get is an even break.
44393 The better part of valor is discretion.
44394 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
44396 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
44397 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
44398 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44400 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
44401 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
44402 It's just that they need more supervision.
44404 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
44405 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
44408 The Bible on letters of reference:
44410 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
44411 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
44412 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
44413 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
44414 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
44416 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
44419 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
44420 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
44421 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
44422 hungry all the time?
44424 The bigger the theory the better.
44426 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
44428 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
44431 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
44432 working for someone else.
44434 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
44437 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
44438 and the bird is on the wing.
44441 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
44442 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
44443 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
44444 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
44445 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
44446 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
44447 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
44448 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
44450 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
44452 The bogosity meter just pegged.
44454 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
44455 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
44457 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
44458 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
44460 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
44461 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
44462 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
44463 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
44464 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
44465 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
44466 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
44467 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44469 The boy stood on the burning deck,
44470 Eating peanuts by the peck.
44471 His father called him, but he could not go,
44472 For he loved those peanuts so.
44474 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
44475 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
44477 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
44478 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
44479 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
44480 one, and convert to the next higher units.
44482 The British are coming! The British are coming!
44484 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
44485 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
44486 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44488 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
44489 and humiliating reality.
44492 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
44493 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
44494 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
44495 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
44496 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44498 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
44499 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
44500 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
44503 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
44504 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
44507 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
44508 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
44509 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
44510 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
44513 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
44514 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
44515 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
44516 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
44518 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
44519 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
44520 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
44521 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
44522 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
44524 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
44527 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
44528 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
44530 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
44531 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
44534 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
44535 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
44536 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
44537 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
44539 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44541 The camel has a single hump;
44543 Or else the other way around.
44544 I'm never sure. Are you?
44547 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
44548 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
44549 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
44550 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
44553 The carbonyl is polarized,
44554 The delta end is plus.
44555 The nucleophile will thus attack,
44556 The carbon nucleus.
44557 Addition makes an alcohol,
44558 Of types there are but three.
44559 It makes a bond, to correspond,
44560 From C to shining C.
44561 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
44563 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
44564 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
44566 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
44568 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44571 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44575 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44576 at the steam fitters' picnic.
44578 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
44581 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44584 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44587 The church is near but the road is icy,
44588 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44591 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44594 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44595 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44596 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44598 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44600 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44603 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44604 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44605 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44606 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44607 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44608 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44609 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44611 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44613 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44614 is when he fills out a job application form.
44615 -- Stanley J. Randall
44617 The clothes have no emperor.
44618 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44620 The coast was clear.
44623 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44624 intellectual nakedness.
44625 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44627 The Commandments of the EE:
44629 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44630 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44631 embarrassing manner.
44632 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44633 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44634 earthly vale of tears.
44635 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44636 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44637 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44639 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44640 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44643 The Commandments of the EE:
44645 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44646 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44647 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44648 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44649 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44650 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44651 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44652 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44653 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44654 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44655 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44656 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44657 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44658 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44659 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44661 The Commandments of the EE:
44663 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44664 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44665 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44666 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44667 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44668 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44669 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44670 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44671 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44672 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44673 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44674 innocent-seeming device.
44676 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44678 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44680 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44681 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44682 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44686 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44687 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44690 The Computer made me do it.
44692 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44695 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44696 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44698 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44700 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44702 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44703 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44704 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44706 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44708 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44709 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44710 every bird watcher in the country.
44711 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44713 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44714 than what we've got!
44716 The Consultant's Curse:
44717 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44718 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44719 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44721 The control of the production of wealth
44722 is the control of human life itself.
44725 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44726 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44727 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44728 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44730 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44732 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44734 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44737 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44739 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44741 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44742 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44743 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44744 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44746 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44748 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44751 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44752 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44753 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44754 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44755 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44758 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44759 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
44761 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44764 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44766 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
44768 The Crown is full of it!
44769 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44771 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44772 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44773 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44774 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44775 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44776 of all our rights and privileges.
44777 -- William Ellery Channing
44779 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44780 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44783 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44786 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44787 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44789 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44790 Every class is unfit to govern.
44793 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44794 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44795 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44796 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44797 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
44798 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44799 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44800 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44801 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44803 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44804 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44805 -- Henry David Thoreau
44807 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44809 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44810 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44811 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44812 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44813 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44814 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44815 -- Thomas Jefferson
44817 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44819 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44822 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44823 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44824 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44826 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
44828 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
44829 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
44830 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
44831 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
44833 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
44835 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
44836 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
44838 The degree of civilization in a society
44839 can be judged by entering its prisons.
44842 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
44843 proportional to the level of management.
44845 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
44846 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
44847 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
44849 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
44850 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
44851 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
44852 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
44853 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
44854 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
44856 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
44857 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
44858 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
44860 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
44861 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
44862 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
44863 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
44864 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
44865 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
44866 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
44867 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
44869 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
44872 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
44873 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
44875 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
44877 The devil finds work for idle glands.
44880 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
44882 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
44884 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
44886 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
44887 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
44890 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
44891 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
44892 it would be a calamity.
44893 -- Benjamin Disraeli
44895 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
44896 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
44898 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
44899 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
44900 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
44902 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
44903 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
44904 is thinking that they're conspiring.
44907 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
44908 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
44910 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
44912 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
44913 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
44915 The difference between reality and unreality
44916 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
44919 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
44920 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
44921 -- Robert A. Heinlein
44923 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
44924 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
44925 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
44926 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
44927 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
44929 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
44930 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
44931 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
44933 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
44935 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
44936 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
44939 The difference between this place and yogurt
44940 is that yogurt has a live culture.
44942 The difference between us is not very far,
44943 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
44945 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
44948 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
44950 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
44951 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
44952 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
44955 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
44957 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
44959 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
44960 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
44963 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
44964 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
44966 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
44967 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
44968 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
44969 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
44970 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
44971 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
44972 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
44973 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
44974 Jews won't go near them."
44975 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
44977 The distinction between true and false appears to become
44978 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
44981 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
44982 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
44984 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
44985 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
44986 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
44989 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
44990 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
44991 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
44993 The door is the key.
44995 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
44996 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
44997 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
44998 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
45000 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
45001 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
45003 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
45005 -- Honore de Balzac
45007 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
45009 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
45011 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
45012 and owns the worm farm.
45015 The early worm gets the bird.
45017 The early worm gets the late bird.
45019 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
45021 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
45024 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
45025 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
45027 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
45028 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
45029 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
45030 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
45031 valuable possession to him.
45033 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
45034 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
45035 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
45036 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
45037 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
45038 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
45039 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
45042 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
45043 weather forecasters.
45044 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
45046 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
45047 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
45050 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
45052 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
45053 Compute' -- I forget which."
45054 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
45056 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
45057 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
45058 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
45059 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
45060 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
45061 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
45062 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
45063 over the post of robotics correspondent.
45064 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
45065 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
45066 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
45067 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
45068 wall when the revolution came".
45070 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
45071 -- Buckminster Fuller
45073 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
45075 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
45077 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
45079 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
45080 symposium to follow.
45082 The ends justify the means.
45083 -- after Matthew Prior
45085 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
45086 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
45087 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
45088 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
45091 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
45092 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
45093 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
45095 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
45096 their children to speak it.
45097 -- George Bernard Shaw
45099 The English instinctively admire any man
45100 who has no talent and is modest about it.
45101 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
45103 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
45104 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
45105 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
45106 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
45107 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
45108 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
45109 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
45110 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
45112 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
45113 "What kind of family do you come from?"
45114 "A rich, Jewish family."
45116 "A German aristocrat."
45117 "Have you ever been to the West?"
45118 "I spent most of my life in England."
45119 "How did you make a living there?"
45120 "A friend supported me."
45121 "Where did you get the money from?"
45122 "He owned a textile factory."
45124 "Never heard of him."
45125 "What is your name?"
45128 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
45129 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
45130 a substitute for intelligence.
45133 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
45134 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
45136 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
45139 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
45140 is the most likely to be correct.
45141 -- William of Occam
45143 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
45144 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
45145 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
45146 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
45147 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
45148 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
45149 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
45150 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
45151 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
45154 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
45156 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45157 All the livelong day;
45158 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
45159 You cannot get away;
45160 Do not think you can escape them
45161 From night 'til early in the morn;
45162 The eyes of Texas are upon you
45163 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
45164 -- University of Texas' school song
45166 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
45167 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
45168 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
45169 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
45171 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
45172 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
45175 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
45176 in general as no other can.
45179 The fact that it works is immaterial.
45182 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
45183 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
45187 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
45188 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
45190 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
45192 The farther you go, the less you know.
45193 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
45195 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
45196 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
45198 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
45199 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
45200 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
45201 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
45202 so long as they are Tories.
45203 -- Christopher Booker
45205 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
45207 "Through the Looking-Glass,
45208 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
45210 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
45211 -- The Grateful Dead
45213 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
45214 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
45216 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
45217 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
45218 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
45219 of their own homes.
45220 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
45225 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
45226 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
45227 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45229 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
45230 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
45231 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
45232 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
45234 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
45235 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
45237 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
45238 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
45239 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
45240 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
45241 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
45242 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
45243 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
45244 for them to despise science fiction.
45245 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
45247 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
45248 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
45249 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
45250 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
45251 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
45252 center at Notre Dame."
45253 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
45256 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
45257 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
45258 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
45259 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
45260 and become lesbians."
45262 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
45263 (1) write down the problem.
45264 (2) think very hard.
45265 (3) write down the answer.
45266 -- Murray Gell-Mann
45269 You have taken yourself too seriously.
45271 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
45272 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
45274 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
45276 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
45278 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
45279 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
45281 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
45283 -- John Quincy Adams
45285 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
45286 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
45287 to man are contained in it.
45290 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
45291 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
45292 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
45295 The First Commandment for Technicians:
45296 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45297 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45298 untechnician-like manner.
45300 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
45303 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
45304 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
45305 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
45306 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
45307 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
45308 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
45309 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
45310 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
45311 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
45312 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
45313 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
45314 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
45315 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
45316 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
45317 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
45318 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
45319 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
45320 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
45321 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
45322 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
45324 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
45325 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
45327 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
45328 and the second half by our children.
45331 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
45332 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
45334 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
45335 management is that success equals skill.
45338 The first requisite for immortality is death.
45341 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
45342 child, was propounded to me by my father:
45343 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
45345 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
45347 "A herring," said my father.
45348 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
45349 "So hang it there."
45350 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
45352 "But a herring isn't wet."
45353 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
45354 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
45356 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
45358 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
45360 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
45363 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45366 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
45367 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
45368 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
45370 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
45373 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
45377 The first thing I do in the morning
45378 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
45381 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
45382 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
45384 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
45385 The second, a trick.
45386 Later, it's a well-established technique!
45387 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
45389 The first version always gets thrown away.
45391 The five rules of Socialism:
45394 2. If you do think, don't speak.
45395 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
45396 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
45397 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
45399 -- being told in Poland, 1987
45401 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
45403 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
45404 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
45406 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
45409 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
45410 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
45412 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
45413 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
45414 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
45415 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
45417 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
45418 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
45419 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
45422 The following statement is not true.
45423 The previous statement is true.
45425 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
45427 1. You can't push on a string.
45428 2. Ain't no free lunches.
45429 3. Them as has, gets.
45430 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
45432 The Force is what holds everything together.
45433 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
45434 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
45436 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
45437 completely surrounded by people who want some.
45438 -- Dwight MacDonald
45440 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
45441 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
45442 rests on mutual help.
45445 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
45446 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
45448 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
45449 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
45451 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
45452 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
45454 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
45455 if the character does not have fire resistance.
45456 -- README file from the NetHack game
45458 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
45462 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
45463 -- W. Somerset Maugham
45465 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
45466 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
45468 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
45469 of both parties tactfully interferes.
45470 -- G. K. Chesterton
45472 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
45473 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
45474 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
45476 The future is a myth created by insurance
45477 salesmen and high school counselors.
45479 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
45482 The future is going to be boring.
45485 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
45487 The future lies ahead.
45489 The future not being born, my friend,
45490 we will abstain from baptizing it.
45493 The garden is in mourning;
45494 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
45495 Summer shivers quietly
45496 On its way towards its end.
45498 Golden leaf after leaf
45499 Falls from the tall acacia.
45500 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
45501 In this dying dream of a garden.
45503 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
45504 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
45506 Close her weary eyes.
45507 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
45509 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
45511 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
45512 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
45513 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
45516 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
45518 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
45520 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
45523 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
45524 remember her first husband.
45526 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
45528 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
45531 The glances over cocktails
45532 That seemed to be so sweet
45533 Don't seem quite so amorous
45534 Over Shredded Wheat
45536 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
45537 least until we've finished building it.
45539 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
45540 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
45542 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
45543 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
45545 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
45549 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
45550 He who has the gold makes the rules.
45552 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
45553 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
45554 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
45555 man in the bonds of Hell.
45558 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
45562 The good (I am convinced, for one)
45563 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
45564 Once your reputation's done
45565 You can live a life of fun.
45568 The good life was so elusive
45569 It really got me down
45570 I had to regain some confidence
45571 So I got into camouflage
45573 The good time is approaching,
45574 The season is at hand.
45575 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45576 Will be heard throughout the land.
45577 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45578 Budless are the trees.
45579 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45580 Is borne upon the breeze.
45581 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45584 If a string has one end, it has another.
45586 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45587 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45588 and they can't fire it.
45590 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45591 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45592 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45593 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45594 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45595 down anything he damn well pleases.
45596 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45598 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45599 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45600 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45602 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45604 -- George Washington
45606 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45607 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45608 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45609 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45610 "Send Lord Combermere."
45611 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45612 Combermere a fool."
45613 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45614 -- G. W. E. Russell
45616 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45617 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45620 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45621 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45622 -- Benjamin Franklin
45624 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45626 The grave's a fine and private place,
45627 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45630 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45631 -- Charles de Gaulle
45633 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45634 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45635 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45636 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45637 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45639 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45641 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45642 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45644 The Great Movie Posters:
45646 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45647 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45648 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45650 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45651 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45652 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45654 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45655 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45656 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45657 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45658 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45660 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45661 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45662 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45664 The Great Movie Posters:
45666 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45668 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45670 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45671 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45673 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45675 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45677 The family that slays together stays together.
45678 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45680 The Great Movie Posters:
45682 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45685 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45686 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45687 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45689 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45692 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45695 The Great Movie Posters:
45697 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45698 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45699 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45700 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45702 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45703 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45705 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45706 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45707 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45708 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45709 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45711 They're Over-Exposed
45712 But Not Under-Developed!
45713 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45715 The Great Movie Posters:
45717 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45718 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45720 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45721 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45722 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45724 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45725 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45726 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45728 The Great Movie Posters:
45730 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45731 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45733 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45734 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45736 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45737 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45739 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45740 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45742 The Great Movie Posters:
45744 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45745 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45746 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45749 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45750 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45753 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45754 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45755 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45756 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45757 was a girl in love!
45758 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45759 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45761 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45762 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45764 The Great Movie Posters:
45766 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45767 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45769 She Sins in Mobile --
45770 Marries in Houston --
45771 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45772 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45773 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45776 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45777 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45779 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45780 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45781 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45782 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45783 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45784 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45786 The Great Movie Posters:
45788 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45789 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45790 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45791 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45792 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45793 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45794 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45795 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45798 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45799 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45801 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45802 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45803 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45804 give you the wim-wams!
45805 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45807 The Great Movie Posters:
45809 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45810 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45811 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45812 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45814 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45815 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45817 It's always better when you come again!
45818 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45820 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45823 The Great Movie Posters:
45825 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45826 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45827 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
45829 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
45831 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
45834 TOMORROW the World!
45837 The Great Movie Posters:
45839 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
45840 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
45847 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
45848 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
45849 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
45850 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
45851 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
45852 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
45853 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
45854 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
45855 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
45856 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
45858 The Great Movie Posters:
45860 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
45861 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
45863 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
45864 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
45865 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
45866 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
45867 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
45868 -- Robot Monster (1953)
45870 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
45872 -- The Egyptian (1954)
45874 The Great Movie Posters:
45876 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
45877 horror on a screaming world!
45878 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
45880 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
45882 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
45884 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
45885 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
45886 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
45887 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
45889 The Great Movie Posters:
45891 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
45892 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
45893 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
45895 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
45896 -- The French Line (1954)
45898 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
45899 -- Hot Blood (1956)
45901 The Great Movie Posters:
45903 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
45905 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
45907 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
45908 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
45910 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
45911 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
45912 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
45914 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
45918 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
45919 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
45920 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
45923 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
45924 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
45925 answered themselves.
45928 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
45929 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
45930 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
45932 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
45933 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
45935 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
45938 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
45939 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
45940 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
45941 their wives and daughters to his arms.
45942 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
45944 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
45947 The Greatest Mathematical Error
45948 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
45949 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
45950 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
45951 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
45952 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
45953 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
45954 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
45955 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
45956 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
45957 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
45959 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
45960 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45962 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
45964 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
45965 -- Robert A. Heinlein
45967 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
45969 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
45970 it delivers its message and then disappears.
45972 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
45973 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
45974 would have been useful to the chicken.
45976 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
45978 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
45981 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
45982 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
45984 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
45987 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
45988 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
45990 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
45991 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
45992 author's name on the title page.
45993 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
45995 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
45996 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
45998 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
45999 of functions performed by private citizens.
46000 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
46002 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
46003 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
46005 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
46008 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
46010 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
46012 The heaviest object in the world is the
46013 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
46014 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
46016 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
46017 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
46019 The help people need most urgently is
46020 help in admitting that they need help.
46022 The herd instinct among economists
46023 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
46025 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
46026 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
46027 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
46028 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
46029 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
46030 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
46032 -- Benjamin Cardozo
46034 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
46035 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
46036 least 5000 years old."
46038 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
46039 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
46041 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
46042 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
46043 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
46044 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
46045 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
46047 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
46049 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
46050 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
46053 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
46055 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
46057 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
46058 pretext that your brother did it.
46060 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
46063 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
46064 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
46067 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
46068 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
46071 The horror... the horror!
46073 The human animal differs from the lesser
46074 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
46077 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
46078 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
46079 -- Sir George Jessel
46081 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
46082 has gills through which it can see.
46085 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
46086 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
46088 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
46089 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
46092 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
46093 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
46094 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
46095 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
46096 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
46097 certain degree of awe.
46098 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
46100 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
46103 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
46104 procession but carrying a banner.
46107 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
46110 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
46111 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
46114 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
46115 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
46118 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
46119 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
46121 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
46124 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
46125 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
46126 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
46129 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
46130 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
46131 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
46132 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
46133 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
46134 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
46135 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
46136 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
46137 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
46138 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
46140 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
46141 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
46144 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
46145 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
46146 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
46147 -- John Maynard Keynes
46149 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
46152 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
46154 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
46157 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
46161 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
46162 A program is a lot like a nose:
46163 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
46165 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
46167 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
46169 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
46170 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
46171 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
46174 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
46175 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
46176 important thing to people.
46177 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
46179 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
46180 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
46181 -- Bertrand Russell
46183 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
46184 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
46185 -- Winston Churchill
46187 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
46188 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
46189 pointer and a mark.
46190 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
46192 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
46193 number of participants.
46196 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
46197 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
46198 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
46199 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
46200 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
46201 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
46202 overturning everything.
46203 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
46205 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
46206 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
46208 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
46209 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
46210 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
46211 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
46213 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
46214 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
46215 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
46216 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
46218 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
46219 treat the Arabs like postmen.
46222 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
46223 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
46224 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
46225 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
46226 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
46229 The Junior God now heads the roll
46230 In the list of heaven's peers;
46231 He sits in the House of High Control,
46232 And he regulates the spheres.
46233 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
46234 If, even in gods divine,
46235 The best and wisest may not be those
46236 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
46239 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
46240 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
46241 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
46242 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
46243 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
46244 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
46245 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
46246 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
46247 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
46248 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
46249 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
46250 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
46251 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
46252 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
46253 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
46254 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
46256 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
46257 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
46260 The Kennedy Constant:
46261 Don't get mad -- get even.
46263 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
46266 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
46267 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
46268 advantage to see the truth.
46269 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
46271 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
46273 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
46274 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
46276 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
46278 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
46279 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
46281 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
46282 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
46285 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
46286 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
46287 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
46289 The knowledge that makes us cherish
46290 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
46293 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
46294 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
46295 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
46296 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
46297 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
46298 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
46299 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
46300 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
46301 And now, just look at me."
46303 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
46304 Would shudder at a wicked word.
46305 Their candle gives a single light;
46306 They'd rather stay at home at night.
46307 They do not keep awake till three,
46308 Nor read erotic poetry.
46309 They never sanction the impure,
46310 Nor recognize an overture.
46311 They shrink from powders and from paints...
46312 So far, I've had no complaints.
46315 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
46316 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
46317 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
46319 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
46322 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
46323 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
46325 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
46327 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
46330 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
46334 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
46335 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
46338 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
46341 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
46342 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
46345 The Law of the Letter:
46346 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
46348 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
46349 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46351 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
46353 -- Henry David Thoreau
46355 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
46356 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
46357 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
46361 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
46362 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
46363 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
46364 give a public reading of his latest poem.
46365 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
46366 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
46367 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
46368 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
46369 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
46370 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
46372 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
46373 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
46374 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
46375 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
46376 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
46377 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
46378 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
46379 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
46380 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
46382 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46384 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
46385 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
46386 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
46387 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
46388 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
46389 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
46390 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
46391 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
46392 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46394 The Least Successful Collector
46395 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
46396 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
46397 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
46398 works of Shakespeare.
46399 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
46400 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
46401 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
46402 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
46403 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
46404 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
46405 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46407 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
46408 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
46409 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
46410 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
46412 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
46413 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
46414 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
46415 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
46416 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
46417 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
46419 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46421 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
46422 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
46423 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
46424 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
46425 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
46427 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46429 The Least Successful Executions
46430 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
46431 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
46432 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
46433 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
46434 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
46435 punishment, he was reprieved.
46436 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
46437 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
46438 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
46439 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
46440 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
46441 to America and lived until 1933.
46442 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46444 The Least Successful Police Dogs
46445 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
46446 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
46447 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
46448 offend the criminal classes.
46449 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
46450 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
46451 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
46452 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
46453 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
46455 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
46456 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
46457 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
46458 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
46459 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46461 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
46464 The less time planning, the more time programming.
46466 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
46468 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
46469 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
46470 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
46471 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
46472 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
46473 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
46474 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
46475 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
46477 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
46479 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
46480 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
46481 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
46484 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
46486 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
46487 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
46488 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
46489 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
46490 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
46491 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
46493 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
46495 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
46496 Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
46497 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
46498 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
46499 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
46500 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
46502 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
46503 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
46504 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
46505 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
46507 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
46508 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
46510 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
46513 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
46514 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
46515 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
46518 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
46520 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
46521 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
46522 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
46523 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
46524 it travels across the screen.
46526 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
46528 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
46529 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
46530 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
46531 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
46533 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
46535 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
46536 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
46537 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
46538 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
46539 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
46541 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
46543 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
46544 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
46545 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
46546 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
46547 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
46548 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
46549 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
46550 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
46551 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
46552 who end up using this language.
46554 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
46556 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
46557 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
46558 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
46559 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
46560 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
46561 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
46562 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
46563 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
46564 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
46566 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
46569 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
46572 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46575 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46577 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46579 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46581 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46582 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46585 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46586 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46589 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46590 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46592 The little town that time forgot,
46593 Where all the women are strong,
46594 The men are good-looking,
46595 And the children above-average.
46596 -- Prairie Home Companion
46598 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46599 door with a basket of kittens.
46600 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46601 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46602 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46603 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46604 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46605 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46606 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46607 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46609 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46610 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46611 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46614 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46617 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46619 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46620 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46622 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46623 we could with both of them.
46624 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46626 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46627 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46629 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46633 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46634 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46636 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46637 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46638 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46639 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46640 steel through your last meal!"
46641 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46643 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46645 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46646 Are of imagination all compact...
46647 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46649 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46651 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46652 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46654 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46657 The major advances in civilization are processes
46658 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46661 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46662 bonds will eventually mature.
46664 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46667 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46669 -- Honore de Balzac
46671 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46672 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46676 The makers may make,
46677 And the users may use,
46678 But the fixers must fix
46679 With but minimal clues.
46681 The man she had was kind and clean
46682 And well enough for every day,
46683 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46684 The one that got away.
46685 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46687 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46688 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46689 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46691 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46692 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46693 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46694 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46695 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46696 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46697 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46698 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46699 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46700 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46701 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46702 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46704 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46705 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46707 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46709 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46712 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46715 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46716 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46718 The man who runs may fight again.
46721 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46722 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46723 -- Old Japanese proverb
46725 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46726 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46729 The man who understands one woman is
46730 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46733 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46734 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46737 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46738 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46741 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46744 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46746 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46747 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46748 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46750 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46751 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46754 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46755 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46756 master calls a butterfly.
46757 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46759 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46760 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46761 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46763 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46765 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46767 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46768 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46769 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46771 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46774 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46776 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46777 always end up on their ends without any means.
46780 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46781 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46783 The meek don't want it.
46785 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46787 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46789 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46790 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46792 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46795 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46797 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46799 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46800 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46802 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46804 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46805 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46808 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46809 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46811 -- Winston Churchill
46813 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46814 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46815 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46816 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46818 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46819 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46822 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46823 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46826 The operation completed successfully.
46828 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46829 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
46831 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
46833 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
46834 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
46835 being who produces the impressions.
46836 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
46838 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
46839 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
46840 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
46841 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
46842 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
46843 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
46845 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
46848 The Modelski Chain Rule:
46849 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
46850 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
46852 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
46853 bright-looking individual.
46854 3: Procure a large chain.
46855 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
46856 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
46857 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
46858 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
46860 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
46861 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
46863 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
46864 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
46866 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
46868 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
46869 -- Nicol Williamson
46871 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
46873 The moon is made of green cheese.
46876 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
46878 The Moral Majority is neither.
46880 The more control, the more that requires control.
46882 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
46883 the odds that the competition already has the order.
46885 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
46887 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
46888 lower the mailing cost.
46889 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
46891 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
46893 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
46894 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
46896 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
46897 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
46899 The more laws and order are made prominent,
46900 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
46903 The more the merrier.
46906 The more they over-think the plumbing
46907 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
46909 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
46912 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
46914 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
46916 The more we disagree, the more chance
46917 there is that at least one of us is right.
46919 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
46921 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
46923 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
46924 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
46925 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
46927 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
46929 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
46932 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
46934 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
46935 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
46936 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
46937 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
46938 have the good fortune to find one.
46941 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
46942 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
46943 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
46946 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
46947 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
46950 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
46951 -- American proverb
46953 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
46956 b) The American Nazi Party
46957 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
46959 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
46960 the country is the one on which you resell it.
46963 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
46964 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
46966 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
46967 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
46968 -- Theodore H. White
46970 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
46972 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
46973 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
46974 -- Alfred De Musset
46976 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
46977 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
46980 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
46981 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
46982 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
46983 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
46984 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
46985 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
46986 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
46987 starts a long, long time before the event.
46988 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
46989 from "Congress Eate It Up"
46991 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
46992 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
46995 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
46996 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
46997 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
46999 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
47001 The most important early product on the way
47002 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
47004 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
47005 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
47007 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
47008 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
47011 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
47013 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
47014 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
47016 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
47017 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
47018 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
47020 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
47021 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
47022 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
47023 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
47024 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
47025 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
47026 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
47027 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
47028 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
47029 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
47030 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
47031 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
47032 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
47033 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
47034 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
47035 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
47036 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
47037 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
47038 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
47039 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
47040 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
47041 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
47042 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
47043 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
47044 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
47045 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
47047 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
47048 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
47052 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
47053 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
47054 them were fishermen.
47057 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
47058 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
47059 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
47060 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
47061 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
47062 to commit adultery.
47063 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
47064 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
47065 the printers L3,000.
47066 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47068 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
47069 children for their insurance money.
47072 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
47074 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
47075 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
47076 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
47077 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
47079 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
47080 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
47081 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
47083 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
47084 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47086 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
47087 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
47089 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
47090 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
47093 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
47094 Support your right to bare arms!
47096 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
47099 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
47102 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
47103 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
47104 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
47105 -- James "Kibo" Parry
47107 The net of law is spread so wide,
47108 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
47109 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
47110 They take in every child of wrong.
47111 O wondrous web of mystery!
47112 Big fish alone escape from thee!
47113 -- James Jeffrey Roche
47115 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
47116 I hope I don't get run over again.
47118 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
47119 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
47122 A javelin team that elects to receive.
47124 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
47125 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
47127 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
47128 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
47132 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
47133 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
47134 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
47135 and running the country ...
47136 -- Robert J. Woodhead
47138 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
47139 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
47142 The next thing I say to you will be true.
47143 The last thing I said was false.
47145 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
47146 -- Lucille S. Harper
47148 The nice thing about standards
47149 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
47150 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
47152 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
47154 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
47155 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
47157 Breakfast at the Egg House,
47158 Like the waffle on the griddle,
47159 I'm burnt around the edges,
47160 But I'm tender in the middle.
47163 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
47164 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
47165 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
47166 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
47167 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
47169 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
47170 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
47171 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
47173 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
47174 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
47175 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
47176 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
47179 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
47183 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
47184 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
47186 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
47189 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
47190 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
47192 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
47193 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
47195 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
47196 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
47197 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
47200 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
47201 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
47202 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
47205 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
47206 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
47208 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
47210 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
47212 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
47214 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
47215 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
47216 of Corporate Planning."
47218 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
47220 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
47221 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
47222 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
47223 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
47225 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
47227 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
47228 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
47229 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
47230 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
47231 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
47232 god at 8:15 the next morning.
47234 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
47235 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
47236 more like fourteen.
47237 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
47239 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
47240 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
47241 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
47242 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
47243 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
47245 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
47246 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
47249 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
47250 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
47252 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
47254 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
47255 Let the reader catch his own breath.
47256 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
47258 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
47259 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
47262 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
47265 The one good thing about repeating your
47266 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
47268 The one L lama, he's a priest
47269 The two L llama, he's a beast
47270 And I will bet my silk pyjama
47271 There isn't any three L lllama.
47272 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
47273 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
47275 The One Page Principle:
47276 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
47277 cannot be understood.
47280 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
47281 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
47283 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
47286 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
47289 The only constant is change.
47291 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
47292 right turn on a red light.
47295 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
47296 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
47298 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
47300 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
47301 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
47304 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
47305 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
47306 -- The Indianapolis Star
47308 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
47310 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
47312 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
47313 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
47314 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
47315 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
47316 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
47317 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
47318 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
47319 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
47320 it and are delighted.
47321 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
47323 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
47326 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
47327 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
47328 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
47331 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
47334 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
47335 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
47336 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
47337 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
47338 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
47340 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
47343 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
47345 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
47347 The only possible interpretation of any research
47348 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
47349 -- Ernest Rutherford
47351 The only problem with being a man of leisure
47352 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
47354 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
47357 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
47358 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
47359 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
47360 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
47363 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
47364 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
47365 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
47366 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
47368 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
47370 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
47371 for getting acquainted.
47374 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
47375 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
47378 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
47380 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
47381 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
47382 finished, and put inside boxes.
47383 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47385 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
47386 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
47389 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
47390 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47392 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
47394 The only thing better than love is milk.
47396 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
47398 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
47400 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
47402 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
47403 the first one was useless.
47404 -- Nicolas Chamfort
47406 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
47409 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
47410 the lessons that history has to teach.
47413 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
47414 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
47416 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
47417 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
47418 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
47419 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
47421 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
47423 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
47425 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
47427 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
47429 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
47430 he has lost over the years.
47431 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
47433 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
47436 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
47440 The only way to amuse some people
47441 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
47443 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
47446 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
47447 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
47450 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
47453 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
47454 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
47455 -- Jean de la Bruyere
47457 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
47460 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
47461 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47464 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
47467 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
47469 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
47471 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
47472 and the pessimist knows it.
47473 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
47475 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
47476 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
47477 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
47478 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
47480 The optimum committee has no members.
47481 -- Norman Augustine
47483 The opulence of the front office door varies
47484 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
47486 The orders come down and they march us away.
47487 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
47488 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
47489 But it's better than working for Xerox.
47490 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
47492 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
47496 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
47499 The other line moves faster.
47501 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
47502 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
47503 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
47504 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
47505 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
47506 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
47507 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
47508 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
47509 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
47510 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
47511 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
47512 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
47514 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
47516 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
47517 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
47519 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
47520 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
47521 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
47522 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
47524 The past always looks better than it was.
47525 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
47526 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
47528 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
47529 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
47532 The people sensible enough to give
47533 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
47535 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
47536 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
47537 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
47538 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
47539 person you have always wanted to be.
47542 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
47545 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
47546 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
47550 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
47552 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
47554 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
47556 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
47558 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
47559 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
47560 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
47561 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
47563 The philosopher's treatment of a question
47564 is like the treatment of an illness.
47567 The Phone Booth Rule:
47568 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
47570 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
47571 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
47572 Let others think his heart is big,
47573 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47576 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47577 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47578 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47579 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47580 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47583 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47586 The plural of spouse is spice.
47588 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47589 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47590 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47593 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47594 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47595 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47596 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47597 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47598 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47599 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47600 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47601 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47602 the higher emotions.
47603 She would me "Honey" call,
47604 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47605 But now alas! She's left me
47607 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47608 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47609 The fives did fit her shoe.
47610 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47611 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47612 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47613 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47614 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47615 worst poet in England."
47616 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47618 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47619 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47622 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47623 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47624 save your sanity for later.
47626 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47627 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47628 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47629 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47630 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47632 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47635 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47636 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47637 -- Buckminster Fuller
47639 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47640 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47643 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47646 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47649 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47650 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47652 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47654 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47655 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47656 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47657 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47660 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47661 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47662 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47663 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47665 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47666 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47667 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47669 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47671 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47672 they might force their beliefs on us.
47675 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47678 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47679 knowledge of its ugly side.
47682 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47683 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47684 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47686 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47688 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47689 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47691 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47692 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47693 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47694 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47695 program, should the value of pi change.
47696 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47698 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47699 voters to win the next election.
47701 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47702 represents the secondary theme:
47704 Law Enforcement Officials
47706 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47708 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47711 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47712 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47714 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47715 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47716 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47717 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47718 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47719 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47720 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47722 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47724 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47725 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47728 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47729 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47732 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47733 to sleep every few days.
47735 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47736 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47737 government because they could not keep up.
47740 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47741 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47744 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47745 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47746 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47748 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47750 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47753 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47754 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47755 with sloppy English.
47756 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47758 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47762 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47764 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47765 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47767 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47768 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47772 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47773 thoughts about their neighbours.
47776 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47777 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47778 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47779 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47780 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47781 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47783 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47784 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47786 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47788 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47791 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47792 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47793 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47795 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47796 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47799 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47800 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47802 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47804 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47805 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47806 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47807 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47808 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47809 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47810 remain each in their own position.
47811 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47814 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47815 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47816 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47818 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47820 The questions remain the same.
47821 The answers are eternally variable.
47823 The Rabbits The Cow
47824 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47825 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47828 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47829 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
47832 The rain it raineth on the just
47833 And also on the unjust fella:
47834 But chiefly on the just, because
47835 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
47838 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
47840 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
47841 measurement of the speed of blight.
47843 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
47844 illiterates can read.
47847 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
47850 The real man's Bloody Mary:
47851 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
47852 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
47854 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
47855 Throw all the other ingredients away.
47857 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
47859 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
47860 -- Christopher Morley
47862 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
47863 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
47865 The real reason psychology is hard is that
47866 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
47868 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
47870 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
47872 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
47873 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
47874 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
47875 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
47876 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
47878 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
47881 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
47882 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
47885 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
47886 is that the experience makes you wise.
47888 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
47892 The reason why worry kills more people
47893 than work is that more people worry than work.
47895 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
47896 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
47897 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
47898 -- George Bernard Shaw
47900 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
47901 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
47902 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
47903 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
47904 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
47905 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
47907 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
47908 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
47911 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
47915 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
47916 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
47917 The hen, pleased with that,
47918 Laid an egg in his hat --
47919 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
47920 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
47922 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
47923 -- Japanese proverb
47925 The revolution will not be televised.
47927 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
47929 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
47930 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47932 The rhino is a homely beast,
47933 For human eyes he's not a feast.
47934 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
47935 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
47938 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
47939 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
47941 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
47942 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
47944 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
47945 and to his imagination for his facts.
47948 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
47950 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
47952 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
47955 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
47956 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
47958 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
47959 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
47960 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
47961 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
47962 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
47964 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
47965 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
47966 you have and what rights you have not got.
47967 -- J. Parnell Thomas
47969 The ripest fruit falls first.
47970 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
47972 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
47975 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
47978 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
47981 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
47982 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
47986 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
47987 one who is doing it.
47989 The root of all superstition is that men
47990 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
47993 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
47995 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
47996 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
47997 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
47998 take it too seriously.
47999 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48001 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
48002 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48004 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
48005 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
48006 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
48008 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
48009 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
48010 it through power, violence or weapons.
48011 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48015 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
48016 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
48017 the console keyboard.
48018 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
48019 card decks together.
48020 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
48021 especially if you're already married.
48022 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
48023 a stool to reach another disk pack.
48024 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
48026 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
48027 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
48028 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
48029 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
48030 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
48032 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
48033 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
48034 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
48036 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
48037 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
48038 gesture by the individual to himself.
48039 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
48041 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
48043 The savior becomes the victim.
48045 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
48047 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
48048 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
48050 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
48052 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
48054 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
48055 showed that all had these things in common:
48057 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
48058 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
48059 (3) All but two of them were dead.
48061 The scum also rises.
48062 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
48064 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
48065 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
48066 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
48068 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
48069 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
48073 The second best policy is dishonesty.
48075 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
48076 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
48079 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
48081 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
48083 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
48084 you've got it made.
48087 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
48088 there is no humor in Heaven.
48091 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
48092 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
48095 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
48096 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
48097 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
48098 millstones are lifted.
48099 -- George Bernard Shaw
48101 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
48102 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
48103 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
48104 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
48105 him are dead, he is alive.
48106 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
48107 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
48108 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
48109 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
48110 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
48111 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
48112 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
48114 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
48117 The sheep died in the wool.
48119 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
48121 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
48122 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
48124 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
48126 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
48129 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
48130 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
48132 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
48133 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
48134 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
48136 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
48137 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
48138 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
48142 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
48143 -- [just say that five times...]
48145 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
48146 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
48148 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
48149 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
48151 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
48152 And surly Winter grimly flies.
48153 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
48154 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
48155 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
48156 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
48157 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
48158 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
48160 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
48161 The yellow Autumn presses near;
48162 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
48163 Till smiling Spring again appear.
48164 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
48165 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
48166 But never ranging, still unchanging,
48167 I adore my bonnie Bell.
48168 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
48170 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
48171 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
48172 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
48173 one can see only a very few things at once.
48174 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
48176 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
48177 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
48180 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
48181 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
48182 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
48183 its theories will hold water.
48185 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
48186 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
48187 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
48188 And slowly she let him inside.
48190 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
48191 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
48192 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
48193 And now will you tell me why?"
48194 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
48196 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
48197 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
48200 The solution of this problem is trivial
48201 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
48203 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
48204 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
48205 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
48206 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
48207 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
48208 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
48209 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
48210 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
48211 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
48212 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
48213 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
48214 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
48215 the table as the children gathered around him.
48216 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48217 There was total silence.
48218 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
48220 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
48221 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
48223 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
48224 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
48226 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
48228 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
48229 able to correct them.
48232 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
48234 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
48235 In town a noun might wear a gown,
48236 or further down, might dress a clown.
48237 A noun that's sound would never clown,
48238 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
48239 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
48240 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
48241 But please don't let that get you down,
48242 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
48245 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
48246 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
48247 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
48248 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
48249 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
48250 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
48251 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
48252 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
48253 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
48254 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
48255 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
48256 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
48257 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
48259 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
48261 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
48262 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
48263 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
48264 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
48267 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
48269 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
48270 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
48271 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
48273 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
48275 The star of riches is shining upon you.
48277 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
48278 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
48279 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
48280 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
48281 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
48282 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
48283 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
48285 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
48287 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
48289 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
48290 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
48292 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
48293 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
48297 The steady state of disks is full.
48300 The story of the butterfly:
48301 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
48302 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
48303 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
48304 the third day, I heard a knock."
48305 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
48306 there was nothing."
48307 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
48308 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
48310 The story you are about to hear is true.
48311 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
48313 The street preacher looked so baffled
48314 When I asked him why he dressed
48315 With forty pounds of headlines
48316 Stapled to his chest.
48317 But he cursed me when I proved to him
48318 I said, "Not even you can hide.
48319 You see, you're just like me.
48320 I hope you're satisfied."
48323 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
48325 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
48327 The streets were dark with something more than night.
48328 -- Raymond Chandler
48330 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
48332 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
48333 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
48334 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
48335 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
48336 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
48337 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
48338 by the values he wills.
48339 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
48341 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
48342 is an emerging underachiever.
48344 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
48347 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
48348 even any property taxes."
48349 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
48351 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
48352 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
48353 -- The Silver Surfer
48355 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
48356 The population is, of course, growing.
48358 The sum of the Universe is zero.
48360 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
48363 The sun was shining on the sea,
48364 Shining with all his might:
48365 He did his very best to make
48366 The billows smooth and bright --
48367 And this was very odd, because it was
48368 The middle of the night.
48370 "Through the Looking-Glass,
48371 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
48373 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
48374 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
48376 The superfluous is very necessary.
48379 The superior man understands what is right;
48380 the inferior man understands what will sell.
48383 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
48384 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
48385 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
48386 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
48387 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
48391 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
48393 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
48396 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
48398 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
48399 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
48400 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
48402 The surest way to remain a winner is to
48403 win once, and then not play any more.
48405 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
48406 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
48407 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
48409 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
48411 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
48413 The Tao doesn't take sides;
48414 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
48415 The Guru doesn't take sides;
48416 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
48418 The Tao is like a stack:
48419 the data changes but not the structure.
48420 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
48421 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
48423 Hold on to the root.
48425 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
48426 used but never used up.
48427 It is like the extern void:
48428 filled with infinite possibilities.
48430 It is masked but always present.
48431 I don't know who built to it.
48432 It came before the first kernel.
48434 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
48435 is not the entire Tao.
48436 The path that can be specified
48437 is not the Full Path.
48439 We declare the names
48440 of all variables and functions.
48441 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
48443 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
48444 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
48446 Yet magic and hierarchy
48447 arise from the same source,
48448 and this source has a null pointer.
48450 Reference the NULL within NULL,
48451 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
48453 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
48454 artist never that he is a technician.
48455 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
48457 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
48459 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
48461 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
48462 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
48463 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
48464 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
48465 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
48466 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
48467 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
48468 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
48469 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
48470 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
48471 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
48472 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
48473 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
48474 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
48475 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
48476 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
48477 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
48478 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
48479 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
48480 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
48481 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
48483 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
48484 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
48486 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
48487 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
48488 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
48489 most untechnician-like manner.
48491 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
48492 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
48495 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
48496 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
48497 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
48498 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
48499 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
48502 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
48503 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
48504 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
48506 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
48509 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
48510 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
48512 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
48514 The Third Law of Photography:
48515 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
48516 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
48517 the dark leaks out.
48519 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
48521 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
48523 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
48527 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
48530 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
48531 I need a lot of sleep.
48532 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
48534 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
48535 accurately it's called mudslinging.
48538 The Thought Police are here. They've come
48539 To put you under cardiac arrest.
48540 And as they drag you through the door
48541 They tell you that you've failed the test.
48542 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
48544 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
48546 The three biggest software lies:
48548 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
48549 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
48550 will fix the microcode.
48551 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
48553 The three laws of thermodynamics:
48554 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
48555 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
48556 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
48558 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
48560 1) Where's the bathroom?
48561 2) What time does the parade start?
48562 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
48564 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
48565 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
48567 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
48569 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
48570 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
48571 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
48573 The three rules of international air travel:
48575 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
48576 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48577 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48578 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48579 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48581 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48582 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48584 The time for action is past!
48585 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48587 The time is right to make new friends.
48589 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48590 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48593 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48594 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48595 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48596 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48597 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48598 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48599 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48600 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48601 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48602 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48603 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48607 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48610 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48612 The tree of research must from time to time
48613 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48616 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48617 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48620 The trouble with a kitten is that
48621 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48624 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48626 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48628 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48630 -- Franklin P. Jones
48632 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48633 think you have nothing more important to do.
48635 The trouble with computers is that they do
48636 what you tell them, not what you want.
48639 The trouble with doing something right the first
48640 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48642 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48643 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48646 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48647 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48650 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48651 -- George S. Kaufman
48653 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48655 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48656 always comes disguised as hard work.
48657 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48659 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48660 and then marry him.
48663 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48666 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48667 the other fellow of a dull one.
48670 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48673 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48674 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48675 all of the people all of the time.
48678 The trouble with you
48679 Is the trouble with me.
48681 But we still don't see.
48682 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48684 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48685 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48686 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48689 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48692 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48695 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48698 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48701 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48704 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48707 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48708 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48710 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48711 Which practically conceal its sex.
48712 I think it clever of the turtle
48713 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48716 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48719 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48722 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48723 -- George Bernard Shaw
48725 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48726 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48727 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48730 The two things that can get you into trouble
48731 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48733 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48734 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48737 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48738 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48739 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48740 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48742 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
48743 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48744 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48746 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48749 The ultimate game show will be the one
48750 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48751 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48753 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48754 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48756 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48757 "100 percent American"...
48758 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48760 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48762 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48765 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48767 The universe is an island,
48768 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48770 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48772 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48773 combination is locked up in the safe.
48776 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48779 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48782 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48783 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48786 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48789 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48790 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48791 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48792 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48794 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48795 and deviation standard.
48797 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48798 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48800 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48801 that I assume it must be evil.
48804 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48805 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48806 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48807 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48808 world put together.
48809 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48811 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48812 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48813 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48815 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48816 regarded as a criminal offence.
48817 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48819 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48820 -- Benjamin Franklin
48822 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48824 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48828 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
48829 constant and regular employment of violence.
48830 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
48832 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
48836 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
48837 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
48838 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
48839 be one of the facts that needs altering.
48840 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
48842 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
48843 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48845 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
48846 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
48847 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
48848 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
48849 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
48850 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
48851 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
48852 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
48853 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48855 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
48856 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
48859 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
48862 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
48863 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
48864 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
48865 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
48866 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
48867 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
48868 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
48870 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
48871 it's just a tired feeling.
48873 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
48875 The wages of sin are unreported.
48877 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
48880 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
48881 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
48884 The water was not fit to drink.
48885 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
48886 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
48887 -- Winston Churchill
48889 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
48890 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
48893 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
48896 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
48898 The way to a man's heart is through his
48899 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
48900 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
48902 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
48904 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
48906 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
48908 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
48910 The way to make a small fortune in the
48911 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
48913 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
48914 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
48915 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
48916 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
48917 I feel together today!
48918 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
48920 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
48922 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
48923 but the leaves are good to smoke!
48926 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
48927 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
48928 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
48929 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
48930 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48932 The white race is the cancer of history.
48935 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
48938 The whole of life is futile unless you
48939 consider it as a sporting proposition.
48941 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
48942 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
48943 -- Bertrand Russell
48945 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
48948 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
48951 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
48954 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
48955 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
48956 It must have blown through someone's feet,
48957 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
48960 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
48961 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
48965 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
48966 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
48968 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
48970 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
48971 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
48972 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
48973 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
48974 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
48975 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
48976 to get up in the morning!"
48978 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
48979 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
48981 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
48982 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
48983 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
48984 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
48985 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
48986 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
48989 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
48990 designed for people who walk on their hands.
48991 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
48993 The world is a comedy to those who think,
48994 and a tragedy to those who feel.
48997 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
48999 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
49001 The world is coming to an end!
49002 Repent and return those library books!
49004 The world is full of people who have never, since
49005 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
49008 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
49009 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
49012 The world is not octal despite DEC.
49014 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
49015 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
49016 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
49017 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
49019 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
49021 The world really isn't any worse.
49022 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
49024 The world wants to be deceived.
49027 The world's as ugly as sin,
49028 And almost as delightful.
49029 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
49031 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
49032 nor its great scholars great men.
49033 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49035 The Worst American Poet
49036 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
49037 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
49038 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
49039 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
49041 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
49042 formula was the same:
49043 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
49044 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
49045 Of their death I will relate,
49046 And also others lost their life
49047 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
49048 Where so many people died.
49049 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
49050 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
49051 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
49052 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
49053 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
49054 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
49055 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
49056 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
49057 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49059 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
49061 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
49062 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
49063 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
49064 sheepishly left the building.
49065 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
49066 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
49067 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
49068 was a practical joke.
49069 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
49070 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
49071 trapped in the revolving doors again.
49073 The Worst Car Hire Service
49074 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
49075 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
49076 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
49077 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
49078 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
49079 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
49080 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
49081 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
49082 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
49083 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
49084 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
49085 we might overlook that too."
49086 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
49087 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
49089 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49091 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
49092 -- George Bernard Shaw
49094 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
49096 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
49097 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
49098 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
49099 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49101 The worst is enemy of the bad.
49103 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
49107 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
49108 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
49109 remotest clue what was happening.
49110 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
49111 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
49112 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
49113 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
49114 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
49115 was hearing a murder trial.
49116 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
49117 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
49118 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
49119 The judge ordered a retrial.
49120 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49122 The Worst Lines of Verse
49123 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
49124 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
49125 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
49126 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
49127 laughter the instant they were read out.
49128 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
49129 inspired by the subject of war.
49130 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
49131 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
49132 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
49133 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
49134 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
49135 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
49136 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
49137 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
49138 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
49139 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
49140 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
49141 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
49142 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
49143 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
49144 While in this world, are liable to leak."
49145 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
49147 "I've measured it from side to side;
49148 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
49149 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49151 The Worst Musical Trio
49152 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
49153 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
49154 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
49155 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
49156 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
49157 unhampered by great musical talent.
49158 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
49159 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
49160 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
49161 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
49162 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
49163 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
49164 "and it will be a sell out."
49165 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
49166 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
49167 asked for someone to turn his pages.
49168 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
49169 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
49170 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
49171 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
49172 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
49173 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
49174 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
49175 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49177 The worst part of having success is trying
49178 to find someone who is happy for you.
49181 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
49183 The Worst Prison Guards
49184 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
49185 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
49186 near Lisbon in Portugal.
49187 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
49188 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
49189 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
49190 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
49191 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
49192 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
49193 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
49194 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
49195 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
49196 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
49197 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
49199 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
49200 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
49201 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
49202 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
49203 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
49204 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
49205 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49207 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
49208 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
49209 -- George Bernard Shaw
49211 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
49213 -- William Butler Yeats
49215 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
49216 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
49217 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
49220 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
49221 They were just the first not to crash.
49223 The yankees, son, are up north.
49224 The damnyankees are down here.
49226 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
49227 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
49230 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
49231 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
49232 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
49234 The young lady had an unusual list,
49235 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
49236 She set no preconditions.
49238 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
49239 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
49240 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
49241 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
49242 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
49243 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
49244 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
49245 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
49246 they only charge $1 a ball!"
49247 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
49250 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
49252 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
49253 and you'd better not refuse.
49257 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
49259 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
49260 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
49263 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
49264 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
49266 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
49267 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
49268 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
49269 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
49271 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
49272 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
49273 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
49274 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
49276 Then here's to the City of Boston,
49277 The town of the cries and the groans.
49278 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
49279 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
49280 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
49282 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
49283 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
49287 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
49289 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
49290 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
49291 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
49292 to the "W" on the dial.
49295 He who has a Tates is lost!
49297 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
49298 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
49301 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
49303 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
49304 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
49306 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
49307 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
49308 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
49309 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
49311 Proceed by induction:
49312 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
49315 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
49316 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
49317 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
49319 Theorem: All programs are dull.
49321 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
49322 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
49323 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
49324 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
49325 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
49326 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
49329 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
49330 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
49331 it will look in print.
49333 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
49334 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
49336 Theory of Selective Supervision:
49337 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
49338 the one time the boss walks through the office.
49340 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
49341 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
49342 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
49343 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
49344 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
49345 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
49346 He speaks with a commanding voice:
49348 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
49350 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
49352 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
49353 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
49356 There are a few things that never go out of style,
49357 and a feminine woman is one of them.
49360 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
49361 -- Winston Churchill
49363 There are bad times just around the corner,
49364 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
49365 And it's no good whining
49366 About a silver lining
49367 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
49370 There are few people more often in the wrong
49371 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
49373 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
49374 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
49375 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
49377 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
49378 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
49381 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
49382 and praiseworthy ...
49383 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
49385 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
49386 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
49387 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
49390 There are many intelligent species in
49391 the universe, and they all own cats.
49393 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
49394 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
49395 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
49396 get it in the winter.
49399 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
49400 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
49401 avoiding a great deal of pain.
49403 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
49406 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
49408 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
49410 There are more things in heaven and earth,
49411 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
49414 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
49416 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
49418 There are new messages.
49420 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
49423 There are no answers, only cross-references.
49426 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
49427 are chosen correctly.
49429 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
49431 There are no games on this system.
49433 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
49434 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
49436 There are no great men, only great challenges that
49437 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
49438 -- Admiral William Halsey
49440 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
49441 -- The Duke of Wellington
49443 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
49444 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
49445 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
49446 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
49447 -- Richard Davisson
49449 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
49450 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
49452 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
49454 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
49457 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
49459 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
49460 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
49463 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
49464 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
49467 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
49468 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
49469 people who find nothing odd about it.
49472 There are places I'll remember
49473 All my life though some have changed.
49474 Some forever not for better
49475 Some have gone and some remain.
49476 All these places had their moments
49477 With lovers and friends I still recall.
49478 Some are dead and some are living,
49479 In my life I've loved them all.
49481 But of all these friends and lovers,
49482 There is no one compared with you,
49483 All these memories lose their meaning
49484 When I think of love as something new.
49485 Though I know I'll never lose affection
49486 For people and things that went before,
49487 I know I'll often stop and think about them
49488 In my life I'll love you more.
49489 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
49491 There are running jobs.
49492 Why don't you go chase them?
49494 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
49495 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
49496 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
49499 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
49500 By the men who moil for gold;
49501 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
49502 That would make your blood run cold;
49503 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
49504 But the queerest they ever did see
49505 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
49506 I cremated Sam McGee.
49507 -- Robert W. Service
49509 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
49510 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
49513 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
49514 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
49515 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
49516 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
49517 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
49518 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
49520 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
49521 -- Benjamin Disraeli
49523 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
49525 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
49526 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
49527 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
49529 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
49530 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
49531 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
49532 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
49533 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
49534 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
49535 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
49536 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
49538 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
49539 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
49541 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
49543 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
49544 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
49545 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
49546 long winter evenings.
49549 There are three rules for writing a novel.
49550 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
49551 -- W. Somerset Maugham
49553 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
49554 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
49555 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
49556 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
49557 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
49559 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
49563 There are three things I have always loved
49564 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
49566 There are three things men can do with women:
49567 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
49570 There are three ways to get something done:
49572 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
49573 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
49575 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
49578 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
49579 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49582 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49583 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49584 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49585 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49586 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49587 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49588 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49590 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49591 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49592 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49593 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49594 Man it is smokin'!"
49595 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49597 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49598 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49599 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49600 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49602 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49603 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
49604 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49606 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49607 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
49609 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49610 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49611 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49612 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49614 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49615 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49616 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49618 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49619 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49621 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49623 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49624 marriage and after marriage.
49626 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49627 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49628 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49632 There are two ways of disliking art.
49633 One is to dislike it.
49634 The other is to like it rationally.
49637 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49638 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49641 There are two ways to write error-free
49642 programs; only the third one works.
49644 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49645 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49647 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49648 with an insurance salesman?
49651 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49652 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49653 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49654 together we'll face the world.
49655 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49657 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49658 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49660 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49663 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49666 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49669 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49670 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49673 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49674 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49676 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49677 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49680 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49681 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49683 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49684 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49685 permissions for everyone, you could say
49687 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49689 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49690 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49692 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49693 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49694 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49695 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49696 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49697 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49698 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49699 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49700 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49702 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49703 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49705 There has been an alarming increase in the
49706 number of things you know nothing about.
49708 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49710 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49711 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49712 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49713 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49715 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49716 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49717 A: The elevator would be full.
49719 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49720 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49721 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49722 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
49724 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49728 There is a fly on your nose.
49730 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49731 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49732 each other's throat.
49733 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49735 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49736 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49738 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49740 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49741 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49742 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49744 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49745 tied during the month of April.
49747 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49750 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49751 wooden toilet seats.
49753 It's called the Birch John Society.
49755 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49756 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49760 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49761 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49762 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49765 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49766 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49768 There is a time in the tides of men,
49769 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49770 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49773 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49774 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49777 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49780 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49782 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49784 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49786 There is always something new out of Africa.
49787 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49789 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49790 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49791 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49793 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49794 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49797 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49798 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49800 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49801 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49802 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49805 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49806 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49807 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49808 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49809 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49812 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49813 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49815 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49816 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49818 There is in certain living souls
49819 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49820 So great it must be shared
49821 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49822 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49824 There is one lonelier than you.
49826 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49827 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
49828 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
49829 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
49830 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
49831 even highly probable.
49832 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
49834 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
49836 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
49837 and we will conquer. Follow me.
49838 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
49840 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
49841 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
49842 -- G. K. Chesterton
49844 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
49845 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
49847 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
49850 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
49851 always enough time to do it over.
49853 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
49855 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
49856 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
49857 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
49859 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
49860 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49862 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
49863 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
49864 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
49866 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
49867 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
49868 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
49869 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
49870 striving of the human race.
49871 -- Alfred North Whitehead
49873 There is no comfort without pain; thus
49874 we define salvation through suffering.
49877 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
49878 -- George Santayana
49880 There is no delight the equal of dread.
49881 As long as it is somebody else's.
49884 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
49886 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
49889 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
49890 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
49891 as "unearned income."
49894 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
49895 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
49897 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
49898 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
49899 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
49900 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
49901 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
49902 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
49904 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
49906 There is no fool to the old fool.
49909 There is no future in time travel.
49911 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
49913 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
49914 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
49915 -- Ernest Hemingway
49917 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
49918 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
49920 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
49921 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
49924 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
49925 -- George Francis Gillette
49927 There is no point in waiting.
49928 The train stopped running years ago.
49929 All the schedules, the brochures,
49930 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
49931 Promise rides to a distant country
49932 That no longer exists.
49934 There is no proverb that is not true.
49937 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
49938 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
49939 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
49940 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
49942 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
49944 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
49945 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
49946 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
49948 There is no royal road to geometry.
49951 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
49953 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
49954 -- George Bernard Shaw
49956 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
49957 -- General Douglas MacArthur
49959 There is no sin but ignorance.
49960 -- Christopher Marlowe
49962 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
49963 -- George Bernard Shaw
49965 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
49967 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
49969 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
49971 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
49973 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
49975 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
49976 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
49979 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
49981 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
49982 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
49983 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49985 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
49986 some anxiety always goes with it.
49988 There is no time like the pleasant.
49990 There is no time like the present
49991 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
49993 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
49994 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
49996 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
49997 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
49998 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
49999 live as cheap as the people.
50000 -- The Best of Will Rogers
50002 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
50003 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
50006 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
50007 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
50009 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
50010 -- Winston Churchill
50012 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
50013 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
50015 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
50016 -- Marie Antoinette
50018 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
50019 when you do it reluctantly.
50020 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
50022 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
50025 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
50026 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
50027 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
50028 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
50029 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
50030 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
50031 the middle of the night?'"
50033 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
50035 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
50036 ocean level wouldn't cure.
50039 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
50040 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
50042 There is one difference between a tax collector and
50043 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
50046 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
50047 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
50050 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
50051 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
50054 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
50057 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
50058 -- Robert A. Heinlein
50060 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
50061 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
50064 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
50065 and that word is blackmail.
50068 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
50069 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
50072 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
50073 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
50075 There is something in the pang of change
50076 More than the heart can bear,
50077 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
50080 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
50082 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
50084 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
50085 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
50089 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
50090 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
50092 There must be more to life than having everything.
50095 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
50096 -- Benjamin Franklin
50098 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50099 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50100 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50102 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50103 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50104 what would your decision be, my son?"
50105 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50106 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
50107 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50109 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
50110 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
50111 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
50113 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
50114 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
50115 what would your decision be, my son?"
50116 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
50117 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
50118 that I had promised."
50119 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
50121 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
50124 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
50125 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
50127 There was a little girl
50128 Who had a little curl
50129 Right in the middle of her forehead.
50130 When she was good, she was very, very good
50131 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
50132 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
50134 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
50135 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
50136 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
50137 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
50138 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
50139 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
50140 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
50141 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
50142 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
50143 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
50144 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
50145 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
50146 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
50147 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
50148 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
50149 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
50150 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
50151 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
50153 There was a phone call for you.
50155 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
50156 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
50157 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
50158 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
50159 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
50160 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
50161 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
50162 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
50163 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
50165 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
50166 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
50167 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
50169 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
50171 There was a young man from LeDoux,
50172 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
50174 There was a young man from Verdunne.
50176 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
50177 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
50178 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
50180 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
50181 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
50182 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
50186 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
50187 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
50188 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
50189 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
50190 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
50191 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
50192 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
50193 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
50194 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
50195 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
50196 the squaws of the other two hides.
50198 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
50199 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
50200 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
50201 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
50202 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
50203 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
50204 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
50205 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
50207 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
50208 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
50209 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
50211 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
50212 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
50213 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
50214 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
50215 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
50216 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
50217 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
50218 he tells the counterman.
50219 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
50220 "You must be from New York."
50221 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
50223 "Because this is a hardware store."
50225 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
50226 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
50227 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
50228 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
50229 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
50230 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
50231 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
50232 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
50233 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
50234 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
50235 telephone business?
50237 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
50238 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
50240 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
50242 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
50245 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
50246 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
50249 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
50250 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
50251 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
50252 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
50253 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
50254 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
50255 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
50256 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
50258 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
50261 There's a lesson that I need to remember
50262 When everything is falling apart
50263 In life, just like in loving
50264 There's such a thing as trying to hard
50267 Like you don't need the money
50268 Love like you'll never get hurt
50270 Like nobody's watching
50271 It's gotta come from the heart
50272 If you want it to work.
50275 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
50276 allows you to install Windows.
50277 -- Matthew D. Fuller
50279 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
50281 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
50282 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
50283 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
50284 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
50285 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
50286 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
50287 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
50288 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
50289 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
50290 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
50291 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
50292 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
50293 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
50295 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
50296 The corporation that we represent.
50297 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
50298 Of that man of men our sterling president
50299 The name of T. J. Watson means
50300 A courage none can stem
50301 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
50302 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
50304 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
50305 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
50306 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
50307 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
50308 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
50309 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
50310 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
50311 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
50312 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
50313 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
50314 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
50315 along -- quite gracefully.
50318 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
50321 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
50323 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
50325 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
50326 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
50330 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
50332 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
50334 There's little in taking or giving,
50335 There's little in water or wine:
50336 This living, this living, this living,
50337 Was never a project of mine.
50338 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
50339 The gain of the one at the top,
50340 For art is a form of catharsis,
50341 And love is a permanent flop,
50342 And work is the province of cattle,
50343 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
50344 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
50345 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
50348 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
50349 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
50352 There's no justice in this world.
50353 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
50354 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
50355 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
50356 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
50359 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
50360 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
50362 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
50365 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
50368 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
50370 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
50371 what you're talking about.
50372 -- John von Neumann
50374 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
50375 -- Milton Friendman
50377 There's no such thing as an original sin.
50380 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
50384 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
50386 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
50388 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
50390 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
50391 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
50393 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
50395 -- Clare Booth Luce
50397 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
50399 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
50401 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
50402 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
50405 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
50406 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
50409 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
50413 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
50414 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
50416 There's nothing worse for your business than
50417 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
50420 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
50421 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
50423 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
50424 always see somebody who did worse.
50425 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
50427 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
50429 There's only one everything.
50431 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
50432 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
50435 There's small choice in rotten apples.
50436 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
50438 There's so much plastic in this culture that
50439 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
50442 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
50444 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
50445 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
50448 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
50449 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
50451 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
50452 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
50454 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
50455 -- Richard Le Gallienne
50457 These activities have their own rules and methods
50458 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
50459 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
50461 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
50462 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
50463 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
50464 out of MEGATON MAN!"
50466 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
50467 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
50469 They also serve who only stand and wait.
50472 They also surf who only stand on waves.
50474 They are called computers simply because computation is
50475 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
50477 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
50478 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
50479 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
50480 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
50481 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
50483 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
50484 when they can see nothing but sea.
50487 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
50488 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
50490 They call them "squares" because it's the
50491 most complicated shape they can deal with.
50493 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
50494 -- The Blues Brothers
50496 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
50497 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
50498 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
50500 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
50501 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
50502 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
50503 only want to count to two.
50504 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
50506 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
50507 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
50508 question about the suffering of starving miners.
50510 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
50512 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
50513 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
50515 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
50516 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
50517 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
50519 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
50521 They make a desert and call it peace.
50522 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
50524 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
50525 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
50526 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
50527 -- Richard M. Nixon
50529 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
50530 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
50531 learn this particular lesson.
50532 -- Richard Stallman
50534 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
50535 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
50536 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
50538 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
50539 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
50540 then we take Berlin.
50542 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
50543 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
50544 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
50545 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
50547 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
50548 always spell better than they pronounce.
50551 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
50552 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
50553 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
50555 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
50557 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
50558 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
50559 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
50560 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
50562 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
50563 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
50564 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
50565 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
50567 My notion was to start again
50568 Ignoring all they'd done
50569 We quickly turned it into code
50570 To see if it would run.
50572 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
50573 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
50575 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
50576 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
50578 They use different words for things in America.
50579 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50580 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50581 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50584 They went rushing down that freeway,
50585 Messed around and got lost.
50586 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50587 And it was life in the fast lane.
50588 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50590 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50591 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50593 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50594 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50595 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50596 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50599 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50600 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50601 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50605 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50606 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50608 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50610 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50614 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50615 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50616 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50618 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50619 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50621 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50623 Things are not always what they seem.
50626 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50628 Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
50630 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50632 Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
50634 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
50636 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50638 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50639 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50641 Things will be bright in P.M.
50642 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50644 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50647 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50650 Pollute the Mississippi.
50652 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50654 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50657 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50659 Think of your family tonight.
50660 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50665 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50667 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50668 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50670 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50671 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50672 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50673 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50674 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50675 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50676 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50677 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50679 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50680 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50683 Thirty days hath Septober,
50684 April, June, and no wonder.
50685 all the rest have peanut butter
50686 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50688 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50691 Then they stand still.
50694 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50695 Everye nighte and alle,
50696 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50697 And Christe receive thy saule.
50698 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50700 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50701 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50702 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50703 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50704 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50705 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50706 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50707 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50708 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50709 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50710 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50711 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50713 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50714 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50715 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50717 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50719 This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
50720 intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
50721 are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
50722 transmission, please delete it immediately.
50724 Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
50725 there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
50726 have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
50727 Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
50728 legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
50730 This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
50731 bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
50733 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
50735 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50737 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50739 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50740 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50741 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50742 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50743 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50745 This fortune intentionally not included.
50747 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50749 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50750 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50752 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50754 This fortune is false.
50756 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50758 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50760 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50762 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50764 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50765 We have emotional moving vans.
50768 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50769 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50770 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50771 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50772 of the house by dinner!"
50774 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50775 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50777 This is a good time to punt work.
50779 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50783 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50784 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50786 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50787 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50789 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50790 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50791 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50792 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50793 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50794 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50795 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50796 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50797 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50798 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50799 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50800 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50801 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50802 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50803 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50805 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50807 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50808 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50809 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50811 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50812 and not enough hunchbacks.
50814 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50815 Unborn and unbegot,
50816 For them to read when they're in trouble
50820 This is Jim Rockford.
50821 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50823 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50825 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50827 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50828 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50829 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50831 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50832 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50834 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50836 This is NOT a repeat.
50838 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
50839 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
50840 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
50841 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
50843 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
50845 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
50846 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
50847 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
50848 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
50849 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
50850 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
50851 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
50852 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
50853 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
50854 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
50855 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
50856 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
50857 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
50858 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
50860 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
50861 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
50863 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
50864 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
50865 and come alone. I'm serious!
50867 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
50868 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
50869 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50871 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
50872 power of computers:
50874 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
50875 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
50876 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
50877 one should eat each day:
50881 1 glass of skim milk
50882 27 heads of lettuce.
50883 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
50885 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
50887 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
50888 -- Winston Churchill
50890 This is the story of the bee
50891 Whose sex is very hard to see
50893 You cannot tell the he from the she
50894 But she can tell, and so can he
50896 The little bee is never still
50897 She has no time to take the pill
50899 And that is why, in times like these
50900 There are so many sons of bees.
50902 This is the theory that Jack built.
50903 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
50904 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
50906 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
50907 And now you know why.
50909 This is the way the world ends,
50910 This is the way the world ends,
50911 This is the way the world ends,
50912 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
50913 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
50915 This is your fortune.
50917 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
50918 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
50920 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
50921 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
50922 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
50923 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
50925 This land is full of trousers!
50926 this land is full of mausers!
50927 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
50928 -- The Firesign Theatre
50930 This land is made of mountains,
50931 This land is made of mud,
50932 This land has lots of everything,
50933 For me and Elmer Fudd.
50935 This land has lots of trousers,
50936 This land has lots of mousers,
50937 And pussycats to eat them
50938 When the sun goes down.
50940 This land is my land, and only my land,
50941 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
50942 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
50943 This land is private property.
50944 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
50946 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
50947 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
50948 to what to do and where to go.
50950 This life is yours. Some of it was given
50951 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
50953 This login session: $13.99
50955 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
50957 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
50959 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
50960 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
50962 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
50966 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
50967 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
50968 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
50969 don't actually hurt.
50970 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
50971 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
50972 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
50973 man enough to take me on?"
50974 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
50975 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
50976 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
50977 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
50978 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
50979 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
50980 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
50981 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
50982 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
50983 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
50984 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
50985 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
50987 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
50988 got to find a way off this planet.
50990 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
50991 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
50992 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
50993 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
50994 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
50995 paper that were unhappy.
50996 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
50998 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
50999 something child-like.
51000 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
51002 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
51003 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
51004 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
51005 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
51006 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
51007 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
51008 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
51009 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
51010 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
51011 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
51012 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
51013 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
51014 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
51015 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
51016 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
51017 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
51018 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
51019 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
51020 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
51021 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
51022 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
51023 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
51025 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
51026 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
51028 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
51029 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
51030 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
51031 which identifies errors in the original program.
51033 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
51034 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
51035 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
51036 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
51039 This screen intentionally left blank.
51041 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
51042 -- Douglas Hofstadter
51044 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
51046 This sentence no verb.
51048 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
51050 This thing all things devours:
51051 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
51052 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
51053 Grinds hard stones to meal;
51054 Slays king, ruins town,
51055 And beats high mountain down.
51057 This unit... must... survive.
51059 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
51060 contents may have occurred during shipment.
51062 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
51063 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
51064 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
51065 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
51067 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
51068 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
51070 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
51071 This was terrible with raisins in it.
51074 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
51076 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
51078 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
51079 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
51080 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
51081 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
51082 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
51083 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
51084 and was lying about twenty feet away.
51085 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
51086 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
51088 Those lovable Brits department:
51089 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
51091 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
51094 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
51096 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
51097 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
51098 at are called software.
51099 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
51100 Literacy for the 1990's.
51102 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
51103 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
51106 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
51110 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
51112 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
51113 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
51115 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
51118 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
51119 -- George Santayana
51121 Those who can't write, write manuals.
51123 Those who claim the dead never return
51124 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
51126 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
51129 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
51132 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
51133 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
51136 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
51137 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
51140 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
51141 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
51144 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
51145 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
51146 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
51148 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
51149 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
51152 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
51154 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
51155 will make violent revolution inevitable.
51158 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
51159 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
51160 without the roar of its many waters.
51161 -- Frederick Douglass
51163 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
51164 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
51165 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
51166 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
51167 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
51169 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
51170 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
51171 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
51172 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
51173 The highest rung. In his bung.
51175 Because in life they prayed so ill
51176 And offered god such swinish swill
51177 Now they sweat in flames of hell
51178 Sweat from lack of APL
51181 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
51183 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
51184 -- Miguel de Cervantes
51186 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51188 -- The Tao of Programming
51190 Though I respect that a lot
51191 I'd be fired if that were my job
51192 After killing Jason off and
51193 Countless screaming argonauts
51195 Bluebird of friendliness
51196 Like guardian angels it's
51199 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
51200 Who watches over you
51201 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51202 Not to put too fine a point on it
51203 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
51204 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
51206 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
51208 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
51210 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
51211 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
51212 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
51213 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
51214 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
51215 more about the matter than the others.
51216 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51218 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
51221 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
51222 -- Benjamin Franklin
51224 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
51225 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
51226 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
51228 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
51229 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
51230 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
51231 service station," said the Missourian.
51233 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
51234 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
51235 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
51237 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
51238 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
51241 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
51242 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
51243 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
51245 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
51246 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
51247 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
51248 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
51249 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51250 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
51251 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
51252 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
51253 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
51255 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
51256 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
51257 2. Always point out second-order effects,
51258 but never point out when they can be ignored.
51259 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
51261 Throw away documentation and manuals,
51262 and users will be a hundred times happier.
51263 Throw away privileges and quotas,
51264 and users will do the Right Thing.
51265 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
51266 and there won't be any pirating.
51268 If these three aren't enough,
51269 just stay at your home directory
51270 and let all processes take their course.
51272 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
51273 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
51274 -- Bertrand Russell
51276 Thus spake the master programmer:
51277 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
51279 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51281 Thus spake the master programmer:
51282 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
51283 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51285 Thus spake the master programmer:
51286 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
51288 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51290 Thus spake the master programmer:
51291 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
51293 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51295 Thus spake the master programmer:
51296 "Time for you to leave."
51297 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51299 Thus spake the master programmer:
51300 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
51301 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51303 Thus spake the master programmer:
51304 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
51305 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
51306 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51308 Thus spake the master programmer:
51309 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
51310 hardware is useless."
51311 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51313 Thus spake the master programmer:
51314 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
51315 can't make him computer literate."
51316 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
51319 Everything goes wrong at once.
51321 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
51322 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
51323 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
51324 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
51326 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
51327 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
51328 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
51329 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
51331 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
51332 And racing around to come up behind you again
51333 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
51334 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
51336 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
51338 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
51339 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
51340 Or half a page of scribbled lines
51341 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
51345 Quite unaccountably
51355 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
51357 Tiger got to sleep,
51359 Man got to tell himself he understand.
51360 -- The Books of Bokonon
51362 Time and tide wait for no man.
51364 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
51367 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
51369 Time goes, you say?
51371 Time stays, *we* go.
51374 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
51377 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
51378 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
51380 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
51382 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
51383 -- Henry David Thoreau
51385 Time is nature's way of making sure that
51386 everything doesn't happen at once.
51388 Space is nature's way of making sure that
51389 everything doesn't happen to you.
51391 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
51394 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
51396 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
51398 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
51400 Time to take stock.
51401 Go home with some office supplies.
51404 Love's wounds unseen.
51405 That's what someone told me;
51406 But I don't know what it means.
51407 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
51409 Time will end all my troubles,
51410 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
51412 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
51413 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
51416 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
51418 Timing must be perfect now.
51419 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
51422 Never fry bacon in the nude.
51424 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
51427 Tip the world over on its side and
51428 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
51429 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51431 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
51432 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
51433 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
51434 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
51435 they would ordinarily.
51436 There is no music in space.
51437 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
51438 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
51440 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
51441 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
51442 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
51443 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
51444 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
51445 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
51446 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
51447 never been easier."
51448 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
51449 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
51450 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
51451 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
51452 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
51453 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
51454 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
51455 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
51456 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
51457 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
51458 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
51459 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
51461 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
51463 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
51466 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
51467 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
51468 stopping at red lights are both optional.
51469 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51471 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
51472 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
51473 to spend a few days there.
51474 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51476 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
51477 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
51478 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51480 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
51481 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
51482 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
51483 Swedes speak better English.
51484 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51486 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
51487 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
51489 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
51491 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
51492 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
51493 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
51496 To add insult to injury.
51499 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
51500 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
51501 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
51502 -- Theodore Roosevelt
51504 To any truly impartial person, it would
51505 be obvious that I am always right.
51507 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
51510 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
51513 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
51514 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
51517 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
51518 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
51520 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
51521 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
51524 To be great is to be misunderstood.
51525 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51527 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
51528 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
51529 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
51530 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
51531 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
51532 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
51533 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
51534 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
51536 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
51538 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
51540 To be is to be related.
51548 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
51554 To be loved is very demoralizing.
51555 -- Katharine Hepburn
51557 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
51558 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
51559 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
51560 -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany"
51562 To be or not to be.
51571 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
51573 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
51574 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51577 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51578 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51579 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51582 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51585 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51586 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51588 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51589 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51591 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51593 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51595 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51596 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51598 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51599 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51600 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51602 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51603 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51604 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51605 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51606 To write those routines
51607 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51608 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51609 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51610 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51611 To this glorious quest,
51612 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51613 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51615 Still strove with his last allocation
51616 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51617 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51619 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51622 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51623 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51624 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51626 To craunch a marmoset.
51627 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51629 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51630 more important than the ability to say yes.
51633 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51634 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51636 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51637 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51639 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51641 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51644 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51645 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51648 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51649 of four kids and one bathroom.
51652 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51655 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51657 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51659 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51661 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51662 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51664 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51666 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51668 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51670 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51671 -- MIT Assassination Club
51673 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51674 -- Benjamin Franklin
51676 To err is human, two curs canine.
51677 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51680 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51688 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51691 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51692 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51693 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51694 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51695 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51696 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51697 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51698 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51699 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51700 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51701 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51702 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51703 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51704 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51705 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51708 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51709 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51710 -- Bertrand Russell
51712 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51715 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51716 -- Benjamin Franklin
51718 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51721 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51723 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51724 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51726 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51727 persons, two of them absent.
51729 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51731 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51733 To have died once is enough.
51734 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51736 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51737 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51739 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51742 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51745 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51746 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51748 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51749 to kill them, treat them often.
51751 To know Edina is to reject it.
51752 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51754 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51756 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51759 To listen to some devout people,
51760 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51763 To love is good, love being difficult.
51765 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51767 To make tax forms true they should
51768 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51770 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51773 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51774 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51775 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51776 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
51778 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51780 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51782 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51783 -- 19th century toast
51785 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51787 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51788 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51791 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51793 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51794 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51795 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51796 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51798 To say you got a vote of confidence
51799 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51802 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51804 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51805 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51806 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51807 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51808 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51809 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51810 mind over matter; quite.
51811 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51813 To see you is to sympathize.
51815 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51816 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51818 To stand and be still,
51819 At the Birkenhead drill,
51820 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51823 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51824 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51825 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51827 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51829 To teach is to learn.
51831 To teach is to learn twice.
51834 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51836 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51838 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
51841 To Theodore Roosevelt:
51842 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
51843 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
51844 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
51845 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
51846 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
51848 Sultan to the Berbers
51849 Last of the Barbary Pirates
51851 To thine own self be true.
51852 (If not that, at least make some money.)
51854 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
51858 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
51859 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
51860 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
51861 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
51862 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
51863 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
51864 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
51865 secure ecological niche.
51866 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
51868 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
51870 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
51871 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
51872 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
51873 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
51874 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
51875 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
51876 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
51877 receiving said benefit.
51878 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
51879 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
51880 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
51881 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
51883 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
51885 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
51887 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
51888 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
51890 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
51891 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
51892 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
51893 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
51894 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
51896 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
51897 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
51898 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
51899 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
51900 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
51901 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
51902 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
51903 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
51904 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
51905 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
51906 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
51909 To use violence is to already be defeated.
51912 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
51914 To whom the mornings are like nights,
51915 What must the midnights be!
51916 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
51918 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
51919 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
51920 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
51921 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
51922 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
51923 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
51924 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
51925 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
51926 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
51927 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
51928 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
51929 and choose more docile words to take its part.
51930 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
51931 by making love directly to the brain.
51933 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
51936 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
51937 That from the devil does proceed;
51938 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
51939 And makes a chimney of your nose.
51943 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
51945 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
51946 Read someone else's mail file.
51948 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
51950 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
51952 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
51954 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
51956 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
51958 Today is the last day of your life so far.
51960 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51962 Today is what happened to yesterday.
51964 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
51965 except in major motion pictures.
51966 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
51968 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
51969 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
51972 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
51974 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
51976 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
51977 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
51979 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
51980 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
51981 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
51984 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
51985 -- Hunter S. Thompson
51987 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
51990 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
51991 creating endless annoyance to male users.
51992 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
51994 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
51997 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
51998 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
52000 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
52002 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
52004 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
52007 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
52009 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
52010 Don't forget to leave a tip.
52012 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
52014 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
52015 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
52017 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
52018 driving cabs and cutting hair.
52021 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
52022 real fast and freak everybody out.
52023 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
52025 Too clever is dumb.
52028 Too cool to calypso,
52029 Too tough to tango,
52030 Too weird to watusi
52034 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
52035 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
52036 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
52037 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
52038 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
52040 Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
52043 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
52044 They seem more afraid of life than death.
52047 Too much is just enough.
52048 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
52050 Too much is not enough.
52052 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
52055 Too much of everything is just enough.
52058 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
52060 -- Governor Jerry Brown
52062 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
52063 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
52064 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
52066 [Once is too often. Ed.]
52068 Too ripped. Gotta go.
52070 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
52072 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
52074 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
52075 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
52076 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
52077 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
52078 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
52079 assurance people in its wake.
52080 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
52081 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
52082 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
52083 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
52084 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
52085 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
52086 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
52088 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
52089 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
52091 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
52092 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
52093 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
52098 Follow these simple suggestions:
52100 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
52101 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
52102 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
52104 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
52105 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
52107 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
52109 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
52111 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
52112 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
52113 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
52115 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
52117 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
52118 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
52119 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
52120 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
52121 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
52122 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
52124 Topologists are just plane folks.
52125 Pilots are just plane folks.
52126 Carpenters are just plane folks.
52127 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
52128 Musicians are just playin' folks.
52129 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
52130 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
52134 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
52136 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
52137 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
52139 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
52140 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
52142 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
52143 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
52146 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
52147 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
52150 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
52153 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
52156 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
52159 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
52160 "It's there, but you can't see it"
52161 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
52164 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
52165 "I can see it, but it's not there."
52169 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
52171 Trap full -- please empty.
52174 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
52176 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
52178 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
52181 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
52182 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
52183 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
52184 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
52185 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
52186 for a short spell?"
52188 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
52191 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
52192 -- Charles DeGaulle
52194 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
52197 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
52199 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
52201 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
52202 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
52203 a brand new series of three.
52205 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
52206 in eucalyptus trees.
52208 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
52210 True happiness will be found only in true love.
52212 True leadership is the art of changing
52213 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
52216 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
52217 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
52220 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
52223 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
52224 -- Norman Augustine
52226 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
52227 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
52229 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
52233 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
52236 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
52238 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
52239 and get as much as you can in your own name.
52242 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
52244 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
52245 -- Albert Schweitzer
52247 Truth is free, but information costs.
52249 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
52251 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
52253 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
52256 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
52257 of him that brought her birth.
52260 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
52263 Dumb and illiterate.
52264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52268 Try not to have a good time ...
52269 This is supposed to be educational.
52277 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
52279 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
52281 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
52283 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
52285 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
52286 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
52287 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
52288 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
52289 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
52292 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
52294 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
52296 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
52297 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
52299 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
52301 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
52302 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
52304 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
52307 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
52309 Trying to get an education here is like
52310 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
52313 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
52315 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
52317 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
52319 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
52322 Turn the other cheek.
52326 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
52330 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
52332 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
52333 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52335 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
52336 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
52339 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
52340 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
52341 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
52342 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
52343 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
52344 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
52345 Long time the folsom foe he sought
52346 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
52347 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
52348 Came whippany through the englewood,
52349 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
52351 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
52352 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
52353 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
52354 He caldwell in his joy.
52355 Did mahwah into patterson:
52356 All jersey were the ocean groves,
52357 And the red bank bayonne.
52360 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52361 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
52362 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
52363 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
52364 Beware the Jubjub bird,
52365 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
52366 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
52367 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
52368 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
52369 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
52370 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
52372 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
52373 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
52374 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
52375 He chortled in his joy.
52376 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
52377 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
52378 All mimsy were the borogroves
52379 And the mome raths outgrabe.
52380 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
52382 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
52383 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
52384 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
52385 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
52386 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
52387 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
52388 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
52389 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
52390 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
52391 Came waffling with the truth too good,
52392 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
52394 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
52395 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
52396 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
52397 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
52398 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
52399 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
52400 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
52401 And mammon's wrath them bash!
52402 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
52404 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
52405 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
52406 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
52407 And Cory raths outgrabe.
52409 "Beware the software rot, my son!
52410 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
52411 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
52412 The frumious system crash!"
52414 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
52415 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
52416 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
52417 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
52419 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
52420 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
52421 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
52422 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
52424 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
52425 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
52426 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
52427 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
52428 -- Midnight On The Ocean
52430 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
52431 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
52432 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
52433 A satellite spotted him making his way.
52434 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
52435 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
52436 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
52437 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
52438 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
52439 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
52440 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
52441 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
52442 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
52443 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
52444 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
52445 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
52446 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
52447 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
52448 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
52449 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
52450 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
52451 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
52452 So after a trillion or two had been spent
52453 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
52454 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
52455 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
52457 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
52458 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
52459 throughout our place of residence,
52460 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
52461 possessors of this potential, including that
52462 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
52463 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
52464 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
52465 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
52466 imminent visitation from an eccentric
52467 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
52468 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
52470 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
52473 Twenty two thousand days.
52474 Twenty two thousand days.
52476 It's all you've got.
52477 Twenty two thousand days.
52478 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
52480 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
52481 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
52482 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
52483 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
52484 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
52485 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
52486 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
52487 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
52488 collision course with that ship.
52489 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
52490 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
52491 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
52492 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
52494 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
52495 course 20 degrees."
52496 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
52497 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
52498 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
52500 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
52502 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
52505 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
52507 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
52508 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
52509 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
52510 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
52511 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
52512 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
52513 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
52516 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
52517 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
52518 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
52519 knows when to stop."
52521 Two heads are better than one.
52524 Two heads are more numerous than one.
52526 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
52527 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
52528 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
52529 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
52530 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
52531 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
52532 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
52533 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
52534 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
52535 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
52536 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
52538 Two is company, three is an orgy.
52540 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
52542 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
52543 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
52544 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
52545 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
52546 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
52547 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
52548 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
52550 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
52551 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
52552 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
52553 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
52555 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
52556 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
52557 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
52558 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
52559 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
52560 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
52561 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
52562 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
52564 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
52566 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
52567 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
52568 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
52569 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
52570 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
52572 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
52573 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
52575 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52577 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52579 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52581 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52582 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52583 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52585 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52586 I forget the second.
52588 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52589 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52590 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52591 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52592 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52593 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52594 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52596 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52599 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52602 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52604 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52605 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52606 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52607 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52609 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52610 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52611 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52612 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52614 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52615 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52616 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52617 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52619 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52620 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52621 In the well of sanguine woe?
52622 In what clay & in what mould
52623 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52624 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52626 Type louder, please.
52628 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52629 Run right up and rub its horn.
52630 Look at all those points you're losing!
52631 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52632 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52634 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52635 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52636 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52638 Udall's Fourth Law:
52639 Any change or reform you make
52640 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52642 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52644 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52645 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52646 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52647 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52649 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52650 Sorry for the confusion.
52651 -- Sun Microsystems
52653 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52654 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52655 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52656 coughing and drops dead.
52657 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52659 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52660 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52661 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52663 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52664 just man is also in prison.
52665 -- Henry David Thoreau
52667 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52668 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52669 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52671 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52672 If you want something, it can wait.
52673 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52675 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52678 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52679 Dig my grave and let me relax
52680 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52681 And I lay me down with a will.
52682 These be the words that tell the way:
52683 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52684 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52685 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52687 Under the wide and starry sky,
52688 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52689 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52690 And laid me down with a will,
52691 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52692 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52693 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52694 And the hunter home from the hill.
52697 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52698 Superiority is recessive.
52701 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52702 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52703 basis of your own internal model instead.
52705 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52706 in relation to a bigger problem.
52709 Unfair animal names:
52711 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
52712 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
52713 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
52716 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52717 Selling cheaper than we do.
52719 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52720 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52721 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52722 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52726 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52728 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52729 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52730 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52731 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52732 low over the world.
52738 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52739 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52742 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52743 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52744 you how to fix it, and...
52746 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52747 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52749 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52752 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52754 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52755 of more feet, just to be sure.
52759 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
52761 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52762 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52763 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52764 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52765 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52767 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52769 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52772 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52773 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52774 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52776 UNIX is many things to many people,
52777 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52779 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52783 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52784 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52785 with the workstation harem.
52787 unix soit qui mal y pense
52789 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52790 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52791 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
52793 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52794 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52797 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52799 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52800 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52801 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52802 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52804 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52805 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52806 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52807 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52809 -- William Shakespeare
52811 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52815 If it happens, it must be possible.
52817 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52818 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52821 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52822 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52825 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52829 What you left out on April 15th.
52831 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52832 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52833 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52834 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52836 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52838 Use a pun, go to jail.
52840 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
52841 -- KFOG, San Francisco
52843 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
52844 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
52847 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
52848 more labor and less oratory.
52854 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
52857 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
52858 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
52860 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
52861 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
52863 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
52864 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
52865 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
52866 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
52868 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
52871 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
52872 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
52873 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
52874 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
52876 I always hated those adventure games.
52879 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
52884 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
52885 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
52887 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
52888 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
52892 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
52893 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
52894 life-style to recuperate.
52896 Vail's Second Axiom:
52897 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
52898 amount of work already completed.
52900 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
52901 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
52905 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
52908 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
52911 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
52914 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
52915 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
52916 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
52917 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
52918 and sour won ton soup.
52920 Variables don't; constants aren't.
52924 Vegetables are what food eats.
52925 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
52926 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
52927 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
52928 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
52930 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
52932 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
52933 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
52934 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
52937 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
52939 Verba volant, scripta manent!
52941 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
52944 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
52945 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
52949 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
52951 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
52952 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
52953 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
52954 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
52955 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
52956 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
52957 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
52958 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
52959 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
52960 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
52961 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
52962 is presumably working on it.
52964 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
52965 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
52968 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
52971 A hungry dog hunts best.
52972 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
52974 Decreased business base increases overhead.
52975 So does increased business base.
52977 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
52978 is fifth grade arithmetic.
52980 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
52981 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
52983 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
52984 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
52985 -- Norman Augustine
52987 Victory uber allies!
52990 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
52991 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
52992 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
52993 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
52994 in the 9th century.
52996 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
52997 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
53000 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
53001 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
53002 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
53005 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
53006 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
53008 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
53009 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
53010 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
53011 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
53013 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
53015 Violence is molding.
53017 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
53020 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
53021 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
53022 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
53023 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
53024 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
53025 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
53029 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
53030 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
53032 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
53035 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
53036 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
53037 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
53038 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
53040 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
53041 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
53042 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
53043 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
53044 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
53045 that old underwear you own.
53047 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
53049 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
53050 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
53053 Virtue is its own punishment.
53056 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
53059 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
53060 He who practices it will have neighbors.
53063 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
53064 -- La Rochefoucauld
53066 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
53068 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
53070 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
53071 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
53073 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
53074 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
53076 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
53078 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
53081 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
53083 VMS version 2.0 ==>
53085 Voiceless it cries,
53092 A mountain with hiccups.
53094 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
53095 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
53096 And to him who's scientific
53097 There is nothing that's terrific
53098 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
53099 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
53102 It is better to have lobbed and lost
53103 than never to have lobbed at all.
53105 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
53106 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
53107 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
53108 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
53109 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
53110 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
53114 Vote early and vote often.
53115 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
53116 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
53118 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
53122 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
53124 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
53127 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
53130 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
53131 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
53132 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
53133 (Waiter exits, returns)
53134 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
53136 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
53137 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
53138 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
53139 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
53141 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
53142 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
53143 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
53144 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
53146 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
53147 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
53148 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
53149 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
53150 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
53152 Wake up and smell the coffee.
53155 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
53156 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
53158 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
53159 -- Theodore Roosevelt
53161 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
53163 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
53166 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
53167 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
53168 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
53170 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
53171 Garp: Gradual school?
53172 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
53174 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
53175 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
53176 -- The World According To Garp
53179 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
53180 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
53181 on a plane that left Gate 1.
53185 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
53186 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
53187 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
53188 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
53189 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
53191 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
53192 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
53193 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
53194 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
53195 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
53197 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
53199 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
53200 -- Charles Edward Montague
53202 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
53204 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
53205 -- Desiderius Erasmus
53207 War is like love, it always finds a way.
53208 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
53210 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
53213 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
53215 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
53219 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
53220 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
53221 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
53222 of your favorite war.
53225 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
53226 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
53227 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
53228 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
53229 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
53230 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
53231 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
53232 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
53233 things to the terminal.
53235 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
53237 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
53238 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
53240 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
53242 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
53243 Survivors will be shot again.
53246 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
53248 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
53249 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
53250 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
53251 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
53252 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
53253 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
53254 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
53256 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
53258 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
53260 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
53261 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
53262 There was a time they could cry over books,
53263 But time has set its maggot on their track.
53264 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
53265 What's never known is safest in this life.
53266 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
53267 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
53268 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
53269 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
53271 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
53273 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
53276 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
53277 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
53278 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
53280 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
53282 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
53283 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
53285 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
53288 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
53290 Wasting time is an important part of living.
53292 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
53294 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
53297 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
53301 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
53304 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
53305 number and significance of any persons watching it.
53308 The single most important word in the world.
53310 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
53311 when it's necessary to compromise.
53314 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
53315 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
53318 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
53320 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
53322 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
53324 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
53325 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
53327 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
53328 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
53330 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
53331 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
53332 is that it is not crazy enough.
53335 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
53336 before we are fit to participate in society.
53337 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
53340 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
53342 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
53345 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
53347 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
53350 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
53351 -- Albert Schweitzer
53353 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
53354 -- Winston Churchill
53356 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
53359 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
53360 -- Whole Earth Catalog
53362 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
53363 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
53365 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
53366 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
53368 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
53370 -- Patrick Moynihan
53372 We are each only one drop in a great
53373 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
53375 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
53377 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
53378 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
53381 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
53382 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
53383 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
53386 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
53387 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53389 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
53390 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
53392 We are not a clone.
53394 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
53399 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
53400 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
53403 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
53405 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
53407 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
53408 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
53412 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
53414 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
53417 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
53418 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
53420 This is a recording.
53422 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
53423 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
53424 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
53425 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
53426 the substance that cast them.
53428 We are the people our parents warned us about.
53430 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
53431 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
53432 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
53434 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
53435 The order is not insignificant.
53436 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
53438 We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
53439 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
53441 We are what we are.
53443 We are what we pretend to be.
53444 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
53446 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
53448 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
53451 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
53452 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
53453 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
53455 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
53456 -- Sir Francis Bacon
53458 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
53461 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
53462 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
53463 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
53465 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
53466 -- Richard M. Nixon
53468 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
53469 feet and go skating.
53470 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
53472 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
53473 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
53474 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
53475 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
53476 beautiful Universe, Our home.
53477 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
53479 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
53482 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
53483 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
53485 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
53487 We don't care how they do it in New York.
53489 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
53490 -- James Watt, noted theologian
53492 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
53494 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
53496 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
53497 that it wasn't a fish.
53498 -- Marshall McLuhan
53500 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
53501 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
53503 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
53506 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
53507 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
53508 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
53509 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
53511 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
53513 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
53514 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
53515 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
53516 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
53518 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
53520 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
53522 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
53525 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
53526 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
53528 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
53529 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
53530 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
53534 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
53535 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
53537 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
53538 -- La Rochefoucauld
53540 We gotta get out of this place,
53541 If it's the last thing we ever do.
53544 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
53545 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
53546 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
53547 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
53550 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
53552 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
53553 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
53555 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
53557 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
53558 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
53559 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
53560 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
53561 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
53562 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
53563 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
53564 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
53565 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
53567 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
53570 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
53573 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
53574 than from the machinations of the wicked.
53576 We have no scorched earth policy.
53577 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
53578 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
53580 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
53583 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53586 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53587 back to normal, and that they already have.
53589 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53592 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53594 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53595 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53596 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53597 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53598 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53600 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53601 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53602 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53603 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53604 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53605 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53606 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53608 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53609 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53611 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53613 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53614 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53616 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53617 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53618 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53619 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53620 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53621 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53622 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53623 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53624 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53625 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53626 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53627 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53628 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53629 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53630 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53631 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53633 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53634 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53635 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53636 to crave knowledge.
53639 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53640 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53641 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53642 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53643 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53644 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53645 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53646 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53647 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53648 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53649 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53650 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53652 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53655 We love our little Johnny
53656 He's the best little boy in all the world
53657 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53658 That's how much we love him.
53659 No, we couldn't live without him
53660 So that's why, since he died,
53661 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53662 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53663 Even better than before;
53664 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53665 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53666 Never miss our little Johnny,
53667 He'll never grow up and leave us
53668 That's why we love him like we do.
53671 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53672 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53673 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53674 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53677 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53681 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53682 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53683 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53684 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53685 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53689 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53690 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53691 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53692 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53693 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53694 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53695 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53696 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53697 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53698 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53699 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53700 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53702 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53704 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53705 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53706 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53707 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53708 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53709 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53711 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53712 but we always respect their good judgment.
53714 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53715 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53716 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53717 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
53718 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53719 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53720 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53721 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53722 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53724 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53725 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53728 We must die because we have known them.
53729 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53731 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53732 condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
53733 the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
53734 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53736 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53737 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53738 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53739 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53741 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53742 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53743 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53745 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53747 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53748 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53749 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53752 We must remember the First Amendment which
53753 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53754 -- F. G. Withington
53756 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53757 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53759 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53761 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53762 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53763 -- La Rochefoucauld
53765 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53766 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53767 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53768 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53769 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53770 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53771 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53772 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53774 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53775 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53776 forgotten its source.
53777 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53779 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53780 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53782 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53784 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53785 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53786 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53788 We read to say that we have read.
53790 We really don't have any enemies.
53791 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53793 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53796 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53797 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53798 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
53800 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53801 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53803 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53804 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53805 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53806 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53809 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53810 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53814 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53815 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53819 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53820 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53823 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53826 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53827 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53828 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53829 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53830 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53831 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53832 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53833 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53834 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53835 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53837 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53838 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
53839 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
53841 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
53842 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
53843 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
53844 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
53847 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53848 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53849 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53850 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53853 ------------------- -------------------------
53854 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
53855 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
53856 Moody Manic-depressive
53857 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
53858 Poet Boring manic-depressive
53859 Sultry/Sensual Easy
53860 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
53861 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
53862 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
53863 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
53864 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
53865 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
53867 Aging child Self-centered adult
53868 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
53869 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
53871 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53872 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53873 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53874 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53877 ------------------- -------------------------
53878 Independent thinker Crazy
53879 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
53880 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
53881 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
53882 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
53884 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
53885 Big and beautiful Really Fat
53886 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
53887 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
53889 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
53890 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
53891 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
53892 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
53894 We totally deny the allegations, and
53895 we're trying to identify the allegators.
53897 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
53898 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
53899 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
53900 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
53902 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
53905 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
53906 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
53907 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
53909 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
53910 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
53911 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
53912 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
53913 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
53914 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
53915 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
53916 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
53919 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
53920 were married for four and a half years.
53923 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
53925 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
53926 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
53929 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
53930 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
53931 French restaurant. [...]
53932 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
53933 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
53934 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
53935 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
53936 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
53937 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
53938 "Stop the car," the girl said.
53939 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
53940 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
53941 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
53942 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
53944 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
53945 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
53946 onto my granola and faced a new day.
53947 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
53950 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
53951 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
53955 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
53956 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
53958 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
53959 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
53960 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
53961 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
53962 in the end a summer with wild winds &
53963 new friends will be.
53965 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
53966 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
53967 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
53968 use of this material.
53969 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
53970 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
53971 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
53973 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53974 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53975 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53976 And a Sun Myung Moon!
53980 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
53982 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
53986 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
53987 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
53989 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53991 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
53994 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
53995 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
53996 least interested and say nothing about the other.
53998 Weekend, where are you?
54001 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
54004 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
54005 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
54006 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
54007 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
54009 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
54010 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
54012 Weinberg's First Law:
54013 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
54015 Weinberg's Principle:
54016 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
54017 on to the grand fallacy.
54019 Weinberg's Second Law:
54020 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
54021 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
54024 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
54025 There are no answers, only cross references.
54027 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
54028 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
54031 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
54043 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
54044 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
54045 -- Garrison Keillor
54047 Welcome to the Zoo!
54049 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
54050 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
54051 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
54052 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
54053 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
54054 the reader! For example, the sentence
54056 Jane went to the store to buy bread
54058 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
54059 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
54060 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
54061 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
54062 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
54063 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
54064 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
54065 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
54068 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
54070 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
54071 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
54072 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
54073 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
54074 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
54075 *thousands* of words to say it.
54076 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
54077 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
54078 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
54079 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
54080 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
54082 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
54083 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
54084 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
54085 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
54087 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
54088 nature and will kill you.
54089 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
54092 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
54093 night. Live, on the Death label.
54094 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
54096 Well begun is half done.
54099 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
54100 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
54104 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
54106 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
54108 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
54109 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
54110 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
54111 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
54112 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
54113 per hour, December 7, 1941.
54115 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
54116 Might as well have put it down the drain.
54117 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54118 Nobody will see the stuff again.
54119 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
54120 Ten to one they'll start another war.
54121 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
54122 Fancy giving money to the Government!
54125 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
54127 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
54128 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
54131 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
54132 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
54133 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
54134 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
54135 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
54136 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
54137 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
54138 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
54139 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
54140 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
54141 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
54142 the entire show without answering a single question ...
54143 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
54145 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
54146 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
54147 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
54148 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
54149 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
54150 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
54151 When along came a senorita,
54152 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
54153 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
54154 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
54155 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
54156 Grow some funk of your own.
54157 We no like to with the gringo fight,
54158 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
54160 Take my advice, take the next flight,
54161 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
54162 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
54164 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
54165 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
54166 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
54167 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
54168 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
54170 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
\ba_
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54172 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
54174 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
54177 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
54179 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54181 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
54183 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
54185 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
54186 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
54187 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
54189 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
54190 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
54191 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
54192 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
54193 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
54194 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
54196 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
54197 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
54198 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
54199 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
54200 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
54201 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
54202 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
54203 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
54204 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
54206 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
54207 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
54208 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
54209 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
54211 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
54212 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
54213 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
54214 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54216 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
54217 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
54218 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
54219 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54221 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
54222 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
54223 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
54224 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
54225 -- Core Dumped Blues
54227 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
54228 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
54229 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
54232 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
54234 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
54235 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
54236 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
54237 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
54239 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
54241 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
54244 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
54245 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
54248 Well, we'll really have a party,
54249 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
54250 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
54252 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
54253 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
54254 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
54255 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
54257 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
54258 And we're loved everywhere we go.
54259 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
54260 At ten thousand dollars a show.
54261 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
54262 But the thrill we've never known,
54263 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54264 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54266 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
54267 Who embroiders on my jeans.
54268 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
54269 Drivin' my limousine.
54270 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
54271 But our minds won't be really be blown;
54272 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
54273 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54275 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
54276 Who'll do anything we say.
54277 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
54278 We got all the friends that money can buy,
54279 So we never have to be alone.
54280 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
54281 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
54282 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
54283 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
54285 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
54286 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
54289 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
54310 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
54311 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
54312 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
54314 We're all in this alone.
54317 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
54318 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
54319 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
54320 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
54321 it's not going to do anything for you.
54322 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
54324 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
54325 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
54326 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
54327 in his bowl full of jelly.
54328 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
54330 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
54331 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
54332 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
54333 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
54335 We're happy little Vegemites,
54336 As bright as bright can be.
54337 We all enjoy our Vegemite
54338 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
54340 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
54341 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
54342 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
54344 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
54346 We're Knights of the Round Table
54347 We dance whene'er we're able
54348 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
54349 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
54350 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
54351 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
54352 That are quite unsingable
54353 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
54354 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
54357 And impersonate Clark Gable
54358 It's a busy life in Camelot.
54359 I have to push the pram a lot.
54362 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
54365 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
54366 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
54367 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
54370 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
54371 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
54372 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
54373 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
54374 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
54375 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
54376 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
54377 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
54380 We're only in it for the volume.
54383 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
54386 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
54388 Westheimer's Discovery:
54389 A couple of months in the laboratory can
54390 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
54393 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
54395 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
54396 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
54397 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
54400 We've tried each spinning space mote
54401 And reckoned its true worth:
54402 Take us back again to the homes of men
54403 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
54405 The arching sky is calling
54406 Spacemen back to their trade.
54407 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
54408 And the lights below us fade.
54409 Out ride the sons of Terra,
54410 Far drives the thundering jet,
54411 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
54412 Out, far, and onward yet--
54414 We pray for one last landing
54415 On the globe that gave us birth;
54416 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
54417 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
54418 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
54420 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
54425 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
54426 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
54427 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
54428 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
54430 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
54431 understand what a misfortune it is.
54432 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
54434 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
54435 -- WOP, "War Games"
54437 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
54440 What an artist dies with me!
54443 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
54447 What awful irony is this?
54448 We are as gods, but know it not.
54450 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
54452 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
54454 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
54455 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
54456 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
54457 Can only be carried on one man's back.
54458 -- Louden Wainwright III
54460 What did you bring that book I didn't want
54461 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
54463 What did you do when the ship sank?
54464 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
54466 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
54467 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
54468 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
54469 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
54470 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
54471 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
54473 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
54476 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
54479 What does education often do?
54480 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
54481 -- Henry David Thoreau
54483 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
54485 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
54486 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
54487 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
54488 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
54489 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
54490 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
54491 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
54492 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
54493 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
54494 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
54495 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
54496 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
54497 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
54498 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
54499 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
54500 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
54502 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
54503 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54505 What ever happened to happily ever after?
54507 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
54510 What foods these morsels be!
54512 What fools these morals be!
54514 What fools these mortals be.
54515 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54517 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
54519 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
54521 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
54522 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
54523 country. Nice try anyway, George.
54524 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
54526 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
54527 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
54529 What good is a ticket to the good life,
54530 if you can't find the entrance?
54532 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
54533 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
54535 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
54538 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
54539 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
54541 What happened last night can happen again.
54543 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
54544 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
54548 What happens to a dream deferred?
54550 Like a raisin in the sun?
54551 Or fester like a sore --
54553 Does it stink like rotten meat?
54554 Or crust and sugar over --
54555 Like a syrupy sweet?
54560 Or does it explode?
54563 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
54565 What has roots as nobody sees,
54566 Is taller than trees,
54568 And yet never grows?
54570 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
54571 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
54572 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
54573 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
54574 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
54575 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
54576 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
54577 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
54578 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
54579 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
54580 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
54581 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
54582 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
54583 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
54584 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
54585 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54587 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54588 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54589 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54590 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54592 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54593 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54594 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54595 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54597 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54599 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54601 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54602 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54603 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54605 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54606 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54607 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54609 What if there had been room at the inn?
54610 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54612 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54615 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54616 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54617 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54618 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54620 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54621 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54622 3. We may not change our hardware.
54623 4. We may not change our tasks.
54624 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54625 in which the work has to be done.
54627 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54628 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54630 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54632 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54635 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54639 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54640 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54642 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54643 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54644 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54645 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54646 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54647 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54648 all the weak: Christianity.
54649 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54651 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54652 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54654 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54656 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54658 -- Charles Baudelaire
54660 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54663 What is mind? No matter.
54664 What is matter? Never mind.
54665 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
54667 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54670 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54673 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54674 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54677 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54680 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54683 Uh, that still ain't right...
54684 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54685 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54686 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54688 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54689 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54690 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54692 "What is the Nature of God?"
54694 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54698 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54700 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54703 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54705 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54706 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54707 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54708 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54710 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54711 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54712 is the first law of nature.
54715 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54716 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54717 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54718 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54719 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54720 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54721 British civilian morale, 1939
54723 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54724 which is the exact opposite.
54725 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54727 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54729 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54730 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54732 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54733 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54736 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54739 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54740 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54742 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54743 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54745 What makes you think graduate school
54746 is supposed to be satisfying?
54747 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54749 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54751 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54752 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54754 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54755 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54758 What on earth would a man do with himself
54759 if something did not stand in his way?
54762 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54765 What one fool can do, another can.
54766 -- Ancient Simian proverb
54768 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54770 What pains others pleasures me,
54771 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54772 There i couch in ecstasy,
54773 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54774 Into kernel memory.
54775 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54776 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54778 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54779 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54781 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54782 more than man's transparency.
54785 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54786 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54787 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54788 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54789 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54790 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54791 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54794 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54795 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54796 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54797 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54798 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54799 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54800 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54801 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54802 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54803 their grasp before they were five years old.
54804 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54806 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54807 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54809 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54812 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54813 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54814 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54815 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54816 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54817 The file, the highseg of login.
54818 Why lies it here, on public disk
54819 And why is it now unprotected?
54820 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54821 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54822 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54823 The file, the highseg of login.
54826 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54828 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54831 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54832 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54833 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54834 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54835 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54836 When they come to hang you, lad:
54837 But bacon's not the only thing
54838 That's cured by hanging from a string.
54839 So, when the spilt ink of the night
54840 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
54841 Lads whose job is still to do
54842 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
54845 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
54846 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
54847 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54849 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
54851 What the hell is it good for?
54852 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
54853 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
54854 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
54856 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
54858 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
54859 -- Nikita Khruschev
54861 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
54866 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
54867 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
54868 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
54869 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
54870 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
54872 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
54873 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
54874 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
54875 a long way with his skills."
54876 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
54877 "You won't find many people like her."
54878 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
54879 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
54880 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
54881 felony in my presence.)
54886 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
54888 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
54889 "Her input was always critical."
54890 (She never had a good word to say.)
54891 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
54892 (And it's nonexistent.)
54893 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
54894 already has so many outstanding members."
54895 (Unless you already have a moron.)
54896 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
54897 one unbelievable result after another."
54898 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
54899 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
54900 (In fact, to life in general...)
54905 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
54906 (We certainly never succeeded.)
54907 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
54908 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
54909 "Success will never spoil him."
54910 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
54911 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
54912 (And such a sigh of relief.)
54913 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
54914 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
54915 (And his IQ, as well.)
54916 "He should go far."
54917 (The farther the better.)
54918 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
54919 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
54921 What they say: What they mean:
54923 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
54924 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
54925 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
54926 to unforeseen difficulties
54927 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
54928 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
54929 assured grateful for anything at all.
54930 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
54931 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
54932 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
54934 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
54935 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
54936 approach kicking it around.
54937 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
54939 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
54941 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
54943 What they say: What they mean:
54945 New Different colors from previous version.
54946 All New Not compatible with previous version.
54947 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
54948 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
54949 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
54950 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
54951 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
54952 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
54953 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
54954 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
54955 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
54956 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
54957 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
54958 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
54959 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
54960 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
54961 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
54962 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
54964 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
54966 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
54968 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
54970 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
54972 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
54975 I don't know, it keeps changing.
54977 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
54978 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
54979 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54981 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
54982 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
54984 What we Are is God's give to us.
54985 What we Become is our gift to God.
54987 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
54990 What we do not understand we do not possess.
54991 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
54993 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
54994 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
54995 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
54996 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
54997 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
54998 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
54999 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
55000 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55002 What we need is either less corruption,
55003 or more chance to participate in it.
55005 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
55008 What we wish, that we readily believe.
55011 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
55012 2038 does not bear thinking about.
55015 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
55017 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
55018 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
55020 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
55022 What you don't know won't help you much either.
55025 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
55026 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
55027 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
55028 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
55030 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
55032 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
55033 something to occur to you.
55036 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55037 referring to AST's.]
55039 Whatever became of eternal truth?
55041 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
55042 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
55043 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
55044 shredding hundred dollar bills."
55047 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
55049 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
55051 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
55055 Whatever happened to the good old days
55056 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
55058 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
55060 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
55062 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
55063 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
55064 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
55066 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
55067 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
55069 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
55070 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55072 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
55076 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
55077 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
55078 -- Charlotte Whitton
55080 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
55081 but it is very important that you do it.
55084 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
55086 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
55088 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
55090 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
55093 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
55095 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
55098 What's done to children, they will do to society.
55100 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
55101 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
55105 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
55106 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
55107 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55109 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55110 What's the ugliest part of your body?
55111 Some say your nose,
55112 Some say your toes,
55113 But I think it's your mind.
55114 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
55116 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
55117 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
55119 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
55120 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
55122 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
55123 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
55126 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
55128 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
55130 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
55131 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
55134 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
55137 When a girl can read the handwriting on
55138 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
55140 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
55141 inattentions of one.
55144 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
55145 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
55146 -- George Bernard Shaw
55148 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
55149 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
55150 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
55152 When a man assumes a public trust, he
55153 should consider himself as public property.
55154 -- Thomas Jefferson
55156 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
55159 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
55160 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
55163 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
55167 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
55168 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
55169 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
55170 liar who has broken his promises.
55173 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
55175 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
55176 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
55177 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
55178 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
55180 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
55181 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
55182 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
55183 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55185 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
55186 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
55189 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
55190 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
55193 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
55194 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
55196 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
55197 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
55198 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
55199 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
55200 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
55201 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
55202 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
55203 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
55204 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
55205 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
55206 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
55207 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
55208 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
55210 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
55211 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
55212 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
55215 When all else fails, EAT!!!
55217 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
55218 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
55220 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
55222 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
55224 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
55226 When among apes, one must play the ape.
55228 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
55231 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
55232 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
55235 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
55236 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
55238 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
55239 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
55240 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
55242 When asked the definition of "pi":
55244 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
55245 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
55247 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
55251 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
55253 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
55256 When choosing between two evils, I always
55257 like to take the one I've never tried before.
55258 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
55260 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
55261 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
55264 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
55266 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
55267 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
55268 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
55269 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
55270 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
55271 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
55274 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
55276 When does later become never?
55278 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
55279 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
55281 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
55284 When forecasting, give them a number
55285 or give them a date, but never both.
55287 When God endowed human beings with brains,
55288 He did not intend to guarantee them.
55290 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
55291 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
55294 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
55295 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
55296 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
55297 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
55298 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
55299 himself to destruction.
55302 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
55303 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
55306 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
55307 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
55308 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
55310 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
55312 like my grandfather.
55315 like the passengers in his car...
55317 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
55318 and a willingness to compromise.
55319 -- Weber cartoon caption
55321 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
55322 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
55325 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
55326 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
55327 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
55329 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
55330 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
55331 what you like now."
55334 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
55335 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
55336 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
55338 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
55339 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
55340 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
55341 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
55343 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
55345 When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
55346 live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
55347 nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
55348 I am in this torrent.
55349 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
55351 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
55352 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
55354 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
55355 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
55358 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
55359 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
55361 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
55363 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
55364 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
55367 When I think about myself,
55368 I almost laugh myself to death,
55369 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
55370 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
55371 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
55372 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
55373 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
55374 I laugh until my stomach ache,
55375 When I think about myself.
55376 My folks can make me split my side,
55377 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
55378 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
55379 They grow the fruit,
55381 I laugh until I start to crying,
55382 When I think about my folks.
55385 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
55386 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
55388 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
55389 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
55392 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
55393 I was an only child... eventually.
55396 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
55397 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
55401 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
55402 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
55403 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
55406 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
55407 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
55410 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
55411 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
55414 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
55416 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
55417 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
55418 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55420 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
55421 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
55423 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
55424 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
55427 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
55428 -- Rodney Dangerfield
55430 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
55431 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
55432 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
55433 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
55434 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
55435 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
55436 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
55437 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
55438 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
55439 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
55441 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
55442 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
55445 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
55446 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
55447 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
55448 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
55451 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
55452 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
55455 When I works, I works hard.
55456 When I sits, I sits easy.
55457 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
55459 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
55460 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
55461 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
55462 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
55463 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
55464 questions like a senator.
55467 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
55470 When in charge ponder,
55471 When in doubt mumble,
55472 When in trouble delegate.
55474 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
55475 to apologize than to get permission.
55476 -- Grace Murray Hopper
55478 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
55480 When in doubt, follow your heart.
55482 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
55483 -- Raymond Chandler
55485 When in doubt, lead trump.
55487 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
55490 When in doubt, tell the truth.
55493 When in doubt, use brute force.
55496 When in panic, fear and doubt,
55497 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
55499 When in this world the headlines read
55500 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
55501 Who rob and steal from those who need
55502 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55503 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
55504 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
55505 Fighting all who rob or plunder
55506 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
55510 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
55512 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
55513 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
55515 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
55517 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
55518 it is necessary not to make a decision.
55520 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
55521 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
55523 When license fees are too high,
55524 users do things by hand.
55525 When the management is too intrusive,
55526 users lose their spirit.
55528 Hack for the user's benefit.
55529 Trust them; leave them alone.
55531 When love is gone, there's always justice.
55532 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
55533 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
55537 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
55538 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
55540 When Marriage is Outlawed,
55541 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
55543 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
55546 When my brain begins to reel from my
55547 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
55550 When my fist clenches crack it open,
55551 Before I use it and lose my cool.
55552 When I smile tell me some bad news,
55553 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
55555 And if I swallow anything evil,
55556 Put you finger down my throat.
55557 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
55558 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
55560 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
55563 No one knows what its like to be hated,
55565 To telling only lies.
55566 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
55568 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
55569 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
55570 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
55571 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
55572 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
55573 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
55574 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
55575 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
55576 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
55577 most unlikely of situations.
55578 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
55580 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
55581 touched, the majority of men live content.
55582 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
55584 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
55586 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55589 When one knows women one pities men,
55590 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55593 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55594 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55596 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55597 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55599 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55601 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55602 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55603 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55604 a camera for professional photographers
55606 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55607 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55608 And Oxygen still had none
55609 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55610 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55611 Called because of rain.
55613 When people have trouble communicating,
55614 the least they can do is to shut up.
55617 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55619 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55621 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55622 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55623 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55625 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55626 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55627 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55628 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55629 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55630 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55631 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55632 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55634 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55635 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55636 is away and you get twice as much done.
55639 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55640 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55642 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55643 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55645 When some people discover the truth, they just
55646 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55648 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55649 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55650 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55651 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55652 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55653 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55655 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55656 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55657 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55659 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55660 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55661 We only want the world to know
55662 That we support the status quo;
55663 They love us everywhere we go,
55664 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55665 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55667 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55668 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55670 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55673 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55675 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55676 of asterisked sentences:
55678 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55679 And costs less than $1,300.**
55681 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55683 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55684 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55685 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55686 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55687 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55689 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55690 you really want to. Or less.
55693 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55696 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55699 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55702 When the candles are out all women are fair.
55705 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55707 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55708 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
55710 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55713 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55714 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55716 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
55719 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55722 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55724 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55726 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55727 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55729 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55730 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55732 When the Guru administers, the users
55733 are hardly aware that he exists.
55734 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55735 Next, one who is feared.
55736 And worst, one who is despised.
55738 If you don't trust the users,
55739 you make them untrustworthy.
55741 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55742 When his work is done,
55743 the users say, "Amazing:
55744 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55746 When the leaders speak of peace
55747 The common folk know
55749 When the leaders curse war
55750 The mobilization order is already written out.
55752 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55753 I go to the market where lies are bought
55755 I take my place among the sellers.
55756 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55758 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55759 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55760 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55761 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55763 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55766 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55767 -- Richard M. Nixon
55769 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55771 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55772 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55773 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55775 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55778 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55782 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55785 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55786 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55787 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55788 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55789 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55790 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55792 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55793 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55794 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55795 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55796 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55797 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55798 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55800 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55801 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55804 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55808 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55809 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55811 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55812 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55813 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55815 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55816 -- Honore de Balzac
55818 When things go well, expect something to
55819 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55821 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55822 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55823 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55824 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55825 -- George Bernard Shaw
55827 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55828 other user interfaces become ugly.
55829 When users see some programs as winners,
55830 other programs become lossage.
55832 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55833 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55834 Double and float cast to each other.
55835 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55836 While and until follow each other.
55839 programs without doing anything
55840 and teaches without saying anything.
55841 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
55842 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
55843 He has but doesn't possess,
55844 acts but doesn't expect.
55845 When his work is done, he deletes it.
55846 That is why it lasts forever.
55848 When we are planning for posterity,
55849 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
55852 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
55853 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
55854 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
55855 history of war have so few been led by so many.
55856 -- General James Gavin
55858 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
55860 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
55861 except our fingertips will have been singed.
55862 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55864 When we write programs that "learn",
55865 it turns out we do and they don't.
55867 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
55868 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
55870 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
55871 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
55873 -- Honore de Balzac
55875 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
55876 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
55878 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
55879 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
55880 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
55884 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
55885 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
55888 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
55890 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
55892 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
55893 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
55894 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
55895 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
55896 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
55897 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
55898 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
55899 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
55900 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
55901 from, to torture and unsettle us?
55902 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
55904 When you become used to never being alone,
55905 you may consider yourself Americanized.
55907 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
55909 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
55912 When you dig another out of trouble,
55913 you've got a place to bury your own.
55915 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
55917 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
55919 When you find yourself in danger,
55920 When you're threatened by a stranger,
55921 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
55923 There is one thing you should learn,
55924 When there is no one else to turn to,
55925 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
55926 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
55928 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
55929 And the world makes you King for a day,
55930 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
55931 And see what that guy has to say.
55932 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
55933 Who judgement upon you must pass.
55934 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
55935 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
55936 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
55937 For he's with you clear up to the end,
55938 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
55939 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
55940 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
55941 And think you're a wonderful guy,
55942 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
55943 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
55944 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
55945 And get pats on the back as you pass,
55946 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
55947 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
55948 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
55949 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
55950 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
55951 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
55953 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
55954 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
55957 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
55959 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
55962 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
55963 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
55964 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
55966 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
55967 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
55968 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
55969 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
55972 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
55973 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
55975 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
55976 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
55977 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55979 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
55980 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
55981 know the answer either.
55982 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
55984 When you live in a sick society,
55985 just about everything you do is wrong.
55987 When you make your mark in the world,
55988 watch out for guys with erasers.
55989 -- The Wall Street Journal
55991 When you meet a master swordsman,
55992 show him your sword.
55993 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
55994 do not show him your poem.
55995 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
55997 When you overesteem great hackers,
55998 more users become cretins.
55999 When you develop encryption,
56000 more users become crackers.
56003 by emptying user's minds
56004 and increasing their quotas,
56005 by weakening their ambition
56006 and toughening their resolve.
56007 When users lack knowledge and desire,
56008 management will not try to interfere.
56010 Practice not-looping,
56011 and everything will fall into place.
56013 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
56014 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
56015 -- Otto von Bismarck
56017 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
56018 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
56020 When you try to make an impression, the
56021 chances are that is the impression you will make.
56023 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
56025 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
56026 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
56028 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
56029 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
56030 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
56032 When your memory goes, forget it!
56034 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
56038 You're a Yup all the way
56039 From your first slice of Brie
56040 To your last Cabernet.
56043 You're not just a dreamer
56044 You're making things happen
56045 You're driving a Beamer.
56047 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
56048 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
56049 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
56050 I feel the same when you are near.
56051 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
56053 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
56054 -- David Pryce-Jones
56056 When you're dining out and you suspect
56057 something's wrong, you're probably right.
56059 When you're down and out, lift up your
56060 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
56062 When you're in command, command.
56065 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
56066 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
56067 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
56068 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
56070 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
56072 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
56074 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
56075 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
56076 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56078 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
56079 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
56080 to become a parrot or something.
56081 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
56083 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
56086 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
56087 to spend their weekends with?
56090 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
56092 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
56093 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
56096 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
56097 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
56098 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
56101 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
56104 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
56105 We people on the pavement looked at him:
56106 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
56107 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
56108 And he was always quietly arrayed,
56109 And he was always human when he talked;
56110 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
56111 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
56112 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
56113 And admirably schooled in every grace:
56114 In fine, we thought that he was everything
56115 To make us wish that we were in his place.
56116 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
56117 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
56118 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
56119 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
56120 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
56122 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
56123 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
56125 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
56126 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
56127 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
56129 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
56131 Whenever you find that you are on the
56132 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
56135 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
56136 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
56137 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
56138 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
56140 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
56142 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
56143 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
56145 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
56147 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
56148 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
56149 When it's converted to energy?
56150 There is a slight loss of parity.
56151 Johnny's so long at the fair.
56153 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
56156 Where do you go to get anorexia?
56159 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
56160 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
56161 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
56163 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
56166 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
56167 examine the laws of heat.
56168 -- Christopher Morley
56170 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
56171 Why did you leave me here all alone?
56172 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
56173 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
56175 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
56176 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
56177 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
56178 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
56181 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
56183 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
56185 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
56186 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
56188 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
56189 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
56191 Where there's a whip there's a way.
56193 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
56195 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
56197 Where will it all end?
56198 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
56200 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
56201 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
56203 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
56206 Where's the man could ease a heart
56208 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
56210 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
56211 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
56214 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
56215 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
56216 Go on, do not rest.
56217 -- An old Gujarati hymn
56219 Whether you can hear it or not
56220 The Universe is laughing behind your back
56221 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
56223 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
56225 Which would you rather have, a bursting
56226 planet or an earthquake here and there?
56227 -- John Joseph Lynch
56229 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
56230 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
56232 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
56233 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
56234 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
56235 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
56236 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
56237 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
56238 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
56241 While having never invented a sin,
56242 I'm trying to perfect several.
56244 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
56245 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
56246 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
56247 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
56248 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
56249 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
56250 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
56252 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
56253 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
56254 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
56256 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56257 referring to hardware interrupts.]
56259 And now I see with eye serene
56260 The very pulse of the machine.
56261 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
56263 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56264 referring to software interrupts.]
56266 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
56267 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
56268 -- Edward Stevenson
56270 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
56271 lets you choose your own form of misery.
56273 While most peoples' opinions change,
56274 the conviction of their correctness never does.
56276 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
56277 held a gun to his head.
56278 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
56279 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
56280 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
56281 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
56282 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
56283 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
56285 While there's life, there's hope.
56286 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
56288 While walking down a crowded
56289 City street the other day,
56290 I heard a little urchin
56291 To a comrade turn and say,
56292 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
56293 I'd be happy as a clam
56294 If only I was de feller dat
56295 Me mudder t'inks I am.
56297 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
56298 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
56299 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
56300 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
56301 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
56302 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
56303 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
56304 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
56305 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
56307 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
56310 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
56311 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
56313 While you recently had your problems on the run,
56314 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
56316 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
56317 safe, for you can watch both of his.
56318 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56320 Whip it, whip it good!
56323 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
56325 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
56327 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
56329 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
56330 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
56331 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
56334 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
56339 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
56340 ...they might want to cut it out...
56342 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
56343 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
56347 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
56350 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
56351 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
56353 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
56356 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
56357 Remains a fool his whole life long.
56358 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
56360 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
56363 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
56366 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
56370 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
56372 Who loves me will also love my dog.
56375 Who loves not wisely but too well
56376 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
56377 But he whose love is thin and wise
56378 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
56381 Who made the world I cannot tell;
56382 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
56383 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
56384 I never soiled with such a deed.
56387 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
56389 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
56391 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
56392 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
56394 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
56395 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
56397 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
56398 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
56401 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
56403 Who was that masked man?
56405 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
56407 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
56409 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
56410 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
56412 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56414 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
56417 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
56418 pure in heart can make a good soup.
56419 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
56421 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
56423 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
56426 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
56428 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
56430 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
56435 Who's scruffy-looking?
56438 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
56439 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
56441 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
56444 Why are programmers non-productive?
56445 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
56447 Why are programmers rebellious?
56448 Because the management interferes too much.
56450 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
56451 Because they are burnt out.
56453 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
56454 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
56456 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
56457 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
56460 Why are you so hard to ignore?
56462 Why are you watching
56463 The washing machine?
56464 I love entertainment
56465 So long as it's clean.
56467 Professor Doberman:
56468 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
56469 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
56470 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
56471 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
56472 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
56473 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
56474 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
56475 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
56476 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
56477 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
56480 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
56483 Why be a man when you can be a success?
56486 Why be difficult, when, with just a
56487 little more effort, you can be impossible?
56489 Why bother building anymore nuclear
56490 warheads until we use the ones we have?
56492 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
56494 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
56495 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
56497 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
56500 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
56501 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
56502 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
56505 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
56506 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
56508 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
56509 It's quite uncanny.
56511 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
56513 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
56515 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
56517 Why do we want intelligent terminals
56518 when there are so many stupid users?
56520 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
56523 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
56525 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
56526 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
56527 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
56529 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
56532 New Jersey had first choice.
56534 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
56537 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
56539 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
56541 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
56542 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
56543 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
56544 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
56546 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56548 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
56549 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
56551 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
56555 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56557 I'd LOVE to, but...
56558 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
56559 -- None of my socks match.
56560 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
56561 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
56562 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
56563 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
56564 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
56565 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
56566 named Basil Metabolism.
56567 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
56568 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
56569 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
56570 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
56571 -- I feel a song coming on.
56573 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56575 I'd LOVE to, but...
56576 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
56577 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
56578 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
56579 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
56580 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
56581 -- My subconscious says no.
56582 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
56583 can't seem to put it down.
56584 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
56585 -- I have to study for my blood test.
56586 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
56587 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
56588 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
56590 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56592 I'd LOVE to, but...
56593 -- I have to floss my cat.
56594 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
56595 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
56596 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
56597 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56598 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56599 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56600 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56601 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56602 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56604 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56606 I'd LOVE to, but...
56607 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56608 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56609 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56610 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56611 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56612 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56613 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56614 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56615 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56616 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56618 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56620 I'd LOVE to, but...
56621 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56622 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56623 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56624 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56625 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56626 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56627 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56628 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56629 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56630 -- My crayons all melted together.
56632 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56634 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56636 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56637 It is because we are not the person involved.
56640 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56643 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56646 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56647 way to prove how much she means to me?
56649 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56650 you knowing nothing?
56651 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56653 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56655 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56657 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56658 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56659 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56660 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56661 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56662 I can't think why not.
56663 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56664 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56666 Why not go out on a limb?
56667 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56669 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56670 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56671 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56673 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56675 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56676 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56678 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56679 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56680 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56682 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56684 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56686 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56687 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56689 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56690 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56692 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56695 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56696 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56697 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56698 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56699 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56700 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56701 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56702 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56703 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56704 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56705 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56706 eternity for his faithlessness.
56707 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56708 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56710 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56713 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56715 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56716 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56717 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56718 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56721 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56722 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56725 Government expands to absorb all
56726 available revenue and then some.
56729 A pat on the back is only a few
56730 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56732 Will Rogers never met you.
56734 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56735 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56737 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56738 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56741 Williams and Holland's Law:
56742 If enough data is collected,
56743 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56745 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56746 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56747 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56748 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56750 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56751 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56752 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56753 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56755 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56756 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56757 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56758 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
56759 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56761 Wilner's Observation:
56762 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56764 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56767 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56769 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56770 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56771 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56774 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56777 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56778 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56780 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56781 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56782 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56784 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56787 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56789 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56793 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56795 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56797 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56798 try to be a fraud and a half.
56799 -- Otto von Bismarck
56801 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56802 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56804 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56805 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56807 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56808 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56809 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56811 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56813 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56814 they make a law it's a joke.
56817 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56818 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56819 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56820 is no such thing as progress.
56823 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
56824 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
56827 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
56829 With reasonable men I will reason;
56830 with humane men I will plead;
56831 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
56832 -- William Lloyd Garrison
56834 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
56835 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
56836 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
56837 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
56839 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
56840 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
56842 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
56843 the city and forty on the highway."
56845 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
56846 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
56847 close. Like catching snakes.
56850 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
56852 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
56853 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
56854 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
56855 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
56856 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
56857 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
56858 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
56859 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
56860 White House's National Security Council, Washington
56861 Post, 21 March, 1982
56863 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
56864 -- Alfred North Whitehead
56866 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
56867 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
56868 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
56869 important to him than his table or his white robe.
56870 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
56872 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
56874 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
56876 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
56878 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
56879 without intelligence love is not enough.
56882 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
56885 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
56886 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
56887 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
56888 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
56890 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
56891 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
56892 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
56895 A man who knows all the ankles.
56897 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
56898 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
56900 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
56903 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
56904 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
56908 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
56909 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
56910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56912 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
56913 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
56914 I shall be sober in the morning.
56916 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
56917 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
56918 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
56919 that he might love her.
56922 Woman would be more charming if one could
56923 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
56926 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
56929 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
56930 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
56931 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
56932 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
56933 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
56934 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
56935 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
56938 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
56939 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
56942 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
56943 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
56944 marriage certificates, and defy you.
56947 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
56948 from charity, or revenge?
56949 -- Gustave Vapereau
56951 Women are just like men, only different.
56953 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
56954 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
56957 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
56960 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
56963 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
56966 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
56969 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
56970 but it takes more of them to do it.
56972 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
56975 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
56976 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
56979 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
56980 as good as any other.
56981 -- Philippe De Remi
56983 Women give themselves to God when the
56984 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
56987 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
56988 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
56991 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
56992 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
56995 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
56996 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
56997 original earth clinging to the roots.
57000 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
57001 than men who reason with the head.
57004 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
57005 but never a man who misses one.
57006 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
57008 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
57009 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
57012 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
57013 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
57014 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
57017 Women waste men's lives and think they have
57018 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
57019 -- Honore de Balzac
57021 Women, when they are not in love, have all
57022 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
57023 -- Honore de Balzac
57025 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
57026 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
57027 -- Honore de Balzac
57029 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
57031 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
57032 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
57033 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
57036 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
57038 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
57039 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
57041 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
57042 and philosophy begins in wonder.
57043 Socrates, quoting Plato
57046 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
57048 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
57049 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
57050 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
57051 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
57052 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
57053 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
57056 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
57057 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
57058 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
57059 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
57060 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
57061 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
57062 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
57063 although their insurance rates went way up.
57064 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
57067 A theory is better than its explanation.
57069 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
57070 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
57071 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
57072 -- Cheers, Airport V
57074 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
57075 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
57076 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
57079 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
57080 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
57082 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
57083 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
57084 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
57086 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
57087 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
57088 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
57090 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
57091 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
57092 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
57094 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
57095 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
57096 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57098 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
57099 swallowed the canary.
57100 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
57101 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
57103 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
57104 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
57105 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
57107 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
57108 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
57109 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
57111 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
57112 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
57113 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
57115 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57116 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
57117 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
57119 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
57121 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
57122 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
57123 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
57125 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
57126 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
57127 -- Cheers, The Proposal
57129 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
57130 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
57131 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
57133 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
57134 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
57135 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
57137 Sam: How's life treating you?
57138 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
57139 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
57141 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
57142 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
57144 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
57145 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
57147 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
57148 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
57149 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
57151 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
57152 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
57153 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57155 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
57156 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
57157 Eh, make that one-thirty.
57158 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
57160 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
57161 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
57162 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
57164 Words are the voice of the heart.
57166 Words can never express what words can never express.
57168 Words have a longer life than deeds.
57171 Words must be weighed, not counted.
57174 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
57175 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
57177 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
57178 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
57181 Work continues in this area.
57182 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
57184 Work expands to fill the time available.
57185 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
57187 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
57188 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
57190 -- Bertrand Russell
57192 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
57195 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
57198 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
57199 a handshake, and have fun.
57200 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
57201 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
57203 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
57204 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
57205 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
57206 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
57207 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
57210 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
57212 Work without a vision is slavery,
57213 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
57214 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
57216 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
57219 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
57221 -- Christopher Plummer
57223 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
57224 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
57225 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
57226 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
57227 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
57228 error in the world."
57231 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
57234 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
57235 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
57237 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
57238 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
57239 -- Steve Rubenstein
57241 Worst Month of the Year:
57242 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
57243 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
57244 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
57245 -- Steve Rubenstein
57247 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
57248 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
57249 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
57250 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
57252 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
57253 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
57254 -- Steve Rubenstein
57257 Yes, but not worth going to see.
57260 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
57261 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
57262 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
57263 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
57266 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
57267 -- Princess Leia Organa
57269 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
57272 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
57274 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
57277 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
57279 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
57281 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
57283 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
57285 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
57286 trial testimony, 1947
57288 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
57291 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
57293 -- "Broadcast News"
57295 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
57298 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
57301 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
57303 Write-protect tab, n.:
57304 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
57305 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
57306 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
57310 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
57311 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
57312 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
57313 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
57314 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
57315 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
57316 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
57317 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
57318 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
57319 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
57320 is itself the one hope for salvation.
57321 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
57323 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
57326 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
57328 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
57329 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
57332 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
57335 Writing software is more fun than working.
57339 "Wrong," said Renner.
57341 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
57342 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
57345 What You See Is What You Get.
57348 Accept any substitute.
57349 If it's broke, don't fix it.
57350 If it ain't broke, fix it.
57351 Form follows malfunction.
57352 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
57353 The trailing edge of software technology.
57354 Armageddon never looked so good.
57355 Japan's secret weapon.
57356 You'll envy the dead.
57357 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
57358 Let it get in YOUR way.
57359 The problem for your problem.
57360 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
57361 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
57362 Simplicity made complex.
57363 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
57364 Flakey and built to stay that way.
57366 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
57370 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
57371 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
57372 Built to take on the world... and lose!
57373 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
57374 Power tools for Power Fools.
57375 Putting new limits on productivity.
57376 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
57377 Design by counterexample.
57378 A new level of software disintegration.
57379 No hardware is safe.
57381 Rationalization, not realization.
57382 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
57383 Gratuitous incompatibility.
57385 THE user interference management system.
57386 You can't argue with failure.
57387 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
57389 The environment of today... tomorrow!
57393 Something you can be ashamed of.
57394 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
57395 The first fully modular software disaster.
57396 Rome was destroyed in a day.
57397 Warn your friends about it.
57398 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
57399 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
57400 Don't wait for the movie.
57401 Never use it after a big meal.
57403 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
57404 It'll make your day.
57405 Don't get frustrated without it.
57406 Power tools for power losers.
57407 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
57408 Never had it. Never will.
57409 The software with no visible means of support.
57410 More than just a generation behind.
57412 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
57416 The ultimate bottleneck.
57417 Flawed beyond belief.
57418 The only thing you have to fear.
57419 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
57420 On autopilot to oblivion.
57421 The joke that kills.
57422 A disgrace you can be proud of.
57423 A mistake carried out to perfection.
57424 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
57425 To err is X windows.
57426 Ignorance is our most important resource.
57427 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
57428 Built to fall apart.
57429 Nullifying centuries of progress.
57430 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
57431 The last thing you need.
57432 The de facto substandard.
57434 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
57438 We will dump no core before its time.
57439 One good crash deserves another.
57440 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
57442 It didn't even look good on paper.
57443 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
57444 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
57445 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
57446 It could happen to you.
57447 The art of incompetence.
57448 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
57449 When uselessness just isn't enough.
57450 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
57451 When you can't afford to be right.
57452 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
57454 If it works, it isn't X windows.
57457 You'd better sit down.
57458 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
57459 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
57460 Live the nightmare.
57461 Our bugs run faster.
57462 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
57463 There ARE no rules.
57464 You'll wish we were kidding.
57465 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
57466 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
57467 There's got to be a better way.
57468 The next best thing to keypunching.
57469 Leave the thrashing to us.
57470 We wrote the book on core dumps.
57471 Even your dog won't like it.
57472 More than enough rope.
57473 Garbage at your fingertips.
57475 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
57478 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
57480 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
57482 XEROX never does anything original.
57485 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
57486 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
57487 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
57488 the managers would fly off.
57490 It costs a lot to build bad products.
57492 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
57493 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
57494 intermingle the two.
57496 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
57497 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
57498 of every airplane's weight.
57500 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
57501 and two-thirds of the problems.
57502 -- Norman Augustine
57505 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
57506 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
57507 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57510 The more one produces, the less one gets.
57512 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
57514 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
57516 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
57517 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
57518 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
57520 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
57521 unexpected should have been expected.
57523 A billion saved is a billion earned.
57524 -- Norman Augustine
57527 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
57528 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
57530 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
57531 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
57532 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
57533 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
57535 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
57537 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
57538 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
57539 as long as the official's who created it.
57541 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
57542 government workers than there are workers.
57544 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
57545 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
57546 -- Norman Augustine
57548 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
57551 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
57553 -- XML guru Chris Maden
57555 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
57556 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
57559 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
57560 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
57561 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
57562 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
57564 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
57565 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
57567 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
57568 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
57569 ten degradation accomplished.
57571 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
57572 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
57574 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
57575 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
57576 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
57577 -- Norman Augustine
57580 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
57582 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
57583 not selling advice.
57585 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
57586 currently estimated.
57588 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
57589 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
57590 costly action known to man.
57592 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
57593 or a new canvas to an artist.
57594 -- Norman Augustine
57597 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57598 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57600 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57602 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57604 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57605 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57606 hang on about half a decade.
57608 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57609 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57610 -- Norman Augustine
57613 The optimum committee has no members.
57615 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57616 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57618 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57620 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57621 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57624 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57625 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57626 the data authenticity.
57627 -- Norman Augustine
57630 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57631 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57632 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57633 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57635 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57636 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57638 The early bird gets the worm.
57639 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57641 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57642 the year -- in either direction.
57644 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57645 -- Norman Augustine
57647 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57649 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57650 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57651 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57652 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57653 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57654 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57656 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57657 rays and became a tangent ?
57659 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57660 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57662 Yea from the table of my memory
57663 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57666 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57667 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57668 operators together.
57671 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57673 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57675 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57676 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57678 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57679 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57683 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57684 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57686 Year Name James Bond Book
57687 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57688 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57689 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57690 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57691 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57692 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57693 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57694 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57695 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57696 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57697 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57698 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57699 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57700 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57701 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57702 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57703 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57704 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57705 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57706 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57709 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57710 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57712 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57714 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57716 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57719 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57720 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57723 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57724 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57725 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57726 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57727 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57728 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57729 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57731 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57733 -- George Michaelson
57735 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57736 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57737 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57740 Yesterday upon the stair
57741 I met a man who wasn't there.
57742 He wasn't there again today --
57743 I think he's from the CIA.
57745 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57746 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57747 I'm not respectable.
57748 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57750 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57754 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57755 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57758 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57759 hoping no one will notice.
57760 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57762 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57764 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57765 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57767 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57769 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57771 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57772 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57773 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57774 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57776 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57778 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57781 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57784 You are always busy.
57786 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57788 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57789 I demand that you log off immediately.
57791 You are as I am with You.
57793 You are capable of planning your future.
57795 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57797 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57799 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57800 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57802 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57804 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57806 You are false data.
57808 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57809 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57811 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57813 You are going to have a new love affair.
57824 But you're not all there.
57826 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
57828 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
57830 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
57832 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
57834 You are loved by the multitudes.
57835 Have you been to the clinic lately?
57837 You are magnetic in your bearing.
57839 You are never given a wish without also being given the
57840 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
57842 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
57844 You are not a fool just because you have done
57845 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
57847 You are not dead yet.
57848 But watch for further reports.
57850 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
57851 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
57852 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
57855 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
57856 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
57858 You are number 6! Who is number one?
57860 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
57861 "All your papers these days look the same;
57862 Those William's would be better unread --
57863 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
57865 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
57866 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
57867 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
57868 Made it pointless to think any more."
57870 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
57871 "And your hair has become very white;
57872 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
57873 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
57875 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
57876 "I feared it might injure the brain;
57877 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
57878 Why, I do it again and again."
57879 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57881 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
57882 That your lectures bore people to death.
57883 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
57884 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
57886 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
57887 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
57888 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57889 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
57891 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
57892 For anything tougher than suet;
57893 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
57894 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
57896 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
57897 And argued each case with my wife;
57898 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
57899 Has lasted the rest of my life."
57900 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57902 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
57903 And there isn't one language you like;
57904 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
57905 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
57907 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
57908 "Every language looks equally bad;
57909 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
57910 And don't realize that they've been had."
57912 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57913 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
57914 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
57915 Pray what is the reason of that?"
57917 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
57918 "I kept all my limbs very supple
57919 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
57920 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
57921 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57923 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57924 And make errors few people could bear;
57925 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
57926 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
57928 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
57929 "But my stature these days is so great
57930 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
57931 And to stop me it's now far too late."
57933 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
57934 That your eye was as steady as ever;
57935 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
57936 What made you so awfully clever?"
57938 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
57939 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
57940 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57941 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
57942 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57944 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
57946 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
57947 Therefore you have few friends.
57949 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
57950 I like that in a person.
57952 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
57954 You are standing on my toes.
57956 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
57958 You are the only person to ever get this message.
57960 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
57961 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
57962 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
57963 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
57964 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
57965 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
57966 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
57967 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
57968 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
57969 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
57970 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
57971 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
57972 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
57973 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
57975 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
57976 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
57977 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
57979 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
57980 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
57982 You ask what a nice girl will do?
57983 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
57984 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
57986 You attempt things that you do not even plan
57987 because of your extreme stupidity.
57991 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
57993 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
57994 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
57995 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
57996 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
57997 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
57998 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
57999 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
58000 than a twenty-dollar bill.
58001 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
58003 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
58006 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
58008 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
58009 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
58010 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
58011 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
58012 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
58013 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
58014 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
58016 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
58017 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
58019 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
58021 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
58022 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
58024 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
58025 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
58026 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
58028 You can be replaced by this computer.
58030 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
58031 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
58033 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
58034 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
58035 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
58037 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
58038 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
58039 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
58040 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
58043 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
58046 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
58047 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
58048 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
58049 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
58050 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
58051 -- The Palindromist
58053 You can create your own opportunities this week.
58054 Blackmail a senior executive.
58056 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
58059 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
58060 Why do you find that funny?
58061 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
58063 You can do very well in speculation where
58064 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
58066 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
58068 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
58069 and the budget is big enough.
58070 -- Joseph E. Levine
58072 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
58073 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
58075 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
58076 and all of the people some of the time,
58077 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
58079 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
58080 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
58082 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
58084 You can get everything in life you want,
58085 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
58087 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
58088 can with just a kind word.
58091 You can get much further with a kind word and a
58092 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
58094 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
58096 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
58098 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
58100 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
58101 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
58103 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
58104 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
58106 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
58107 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
58110 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
58111 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
58114 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
58115 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
58119 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
58120 Don't ever count on having both at once.
58123 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
58126 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
58128 -- Franklin P. Jones
58130 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
58132 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
58133 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
58136 You can move the world with an idea,
58137 but you have to think of it first.
58139 You can never do just one thing.
58142 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
58144 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
58145 -- Jeannette Rankin
58147 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
58148 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
58150 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
58151 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
58153 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
58154 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
58156 You can now buy more gates with less
58157 specifications than at any other time in history.
58160 You can observe a lot just by watching.
58163 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
58165 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
58167 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
58168 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
58169 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
58172 You can tell how far we have to go,
58173 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
58176 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
58179 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
58181 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
58182 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
58183 University of Washington
58185 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
58186 I've got to have thirty minutes!
58188 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
58190 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
58191 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
58194 You cannot have a science without measurement.
58197 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
58199 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
58201 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
58204 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
58207 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
58209 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
58211 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
58213 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
58214 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
58217 You can't cheat the phone company.
58219 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
58221 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
58222 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
58224 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
58227 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
58230 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
58231 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
58232 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
58233 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
58234 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
58236 You can't fall off the floor.
58238 You can't get there from here.
58240 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
58242 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
58245 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
58248 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
58249 -- Booker T. Washington
58251 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
58253 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
58255 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
58256 only sooner than she thought you would.
58258 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
58259 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
58260 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
58262 You can't make a program without broken egos.
58264 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
58266 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
58267 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
58269 You can't push on a string.
58271 You can't run away forever,
58272 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
58273 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
58275 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
58279 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
58280 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
58283 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
58284 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
58287 You can't take damsel here now.
58289 You can't take it with you --
58290 especially when crossing a state line.
58292 You can't teach people to be lazy --
58293 either they have it, or they don't.
58294 -- Dagwood Bumstead
58296 You climb to reach the summit, but once
58297 there, discover that all roads lead down.
58298 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
58300 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
58301 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
58303 You could live a better life, if you
58304 had a better mind and a better body.
58306 You couldn't even prove the White House
58307 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
58308 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
58310 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
58314 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
58316 You do not have mail.
58318 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
58320 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
58321 if you're not planning on coming back down.
58322 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
58324 You don't have to explain something you never said.
58327 You don't have to know how the computer
58328 works, just how to work the computer.
58330 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
58333 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
58336 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
58337 reason to eat with knitting needles.
58338 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
58340 You enjoy the company of other people.
58342 You feel a whole lot more like you do
58343 now than you did when you used to.
58345 You fill a much-needed gap.
58347 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
58348 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
58349 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
58350 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
58351 names. Here's the complete text:
58353 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
58354 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
58355 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
58356 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
58357 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
58358 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
58359 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
58360 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
58362 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
58363 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
58365 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
58367 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
58368 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
58369 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^
\but"
58371 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
58373 You get what you pay for.
58376 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
58377 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
58378 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
58380 You go down to the pickup station,
58381 craving warmth and beauty;
58382 You settle for less than fascination --
58383 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
58384 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
58385 on this strange new flesh you've found --
58386 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
58387 you hurry to the blackness
58388 and the blankets to lay down an impression
58389 and your loneliness.
58392 You got to be very careful if you don't know
58393 where you're going, because you might not get there.
58396 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
58397 And you know it don't come easy ...
58398 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
58399 And you know it don't come easy ...
58401 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
58403 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
58405 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
58408 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
58410 You had some happiness once,
58411 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
58413 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
58415 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
58417 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
58419 You have a message from the operator.
58421 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
58422 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
58424 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
58426 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
58428 You have a strong desire for a home
58429 and your family interests come first.
58431 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
58433 You have a truly strong individuality.
58435 You have a will that can be influenced
58436 by all with whom you come in contact.
58438 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
58440 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
58442 You are permanently confused.
58445 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
58448 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
58449 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
58452 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
58454 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
58456 You have an unusual equipment for success.
58457 Be sure to use it properly.
58459 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
58460 metal objects which are not fastened down.
58462 You have an unusual understanding of
58463 the problems of human relationships.
58465 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
58466 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
58468 You have been selected for a secret mission.
58470 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
58472 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
58474 You have junk mail.
58476 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
58480 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
58482 You have no real enemies.
58484 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
58485 -- John Viscount Morley
58487 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
58488 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
58490 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
58493 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
58494 You'll learn a lot today.
58496 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
58498 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
58499 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
58501 "Through the Looking-Glass,
58502 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
58504 You humans are all alike.
58506 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
58507 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
58508 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
58510 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
58513 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
58514 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
58516 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
58519 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
58520 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
58521 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
58523 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
58526 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
58527 you people are all going to owe me big.
58530 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
58531 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
58533 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
58534 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
58537 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
58540 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
58541 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
58542 You play around you lose your wife,
58543 You play too long, you lose your life.
58544 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
58545 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
58547 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
58549 -- W. Somerset Maugham
58551 You know, the difference between this company and
58552 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
58554 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
58555 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
58556 you can always change the channel.
58559 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
58560 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
58561 -- Richard M. Nixon
58563 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
58564 and I had my hands about it.
58565 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
58567 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
58571 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
58572 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
58573 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
58574 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
58575 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
58577 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
58580 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
58581 -- S. Rickly Christian
58583 You know your apartment is small...
58584 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
58585 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
58586 you have to go outside to change your mind.
58587 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
58589 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
58590 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
58592 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
58593 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
58594 mother is allowed to take.
58596 You know you're in a small town when...
58597 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
58598 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
58599 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
58600 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58601 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58602 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58603 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58605 You know you're in trouble when...
58606 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58607 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58608 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58610 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58611 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58612 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58613 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58615 You know you're in trouble when...
58616 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58617 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58618 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58619 and there aren't any.
58620 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58621 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58622 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58623 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58625 You know you're in trouble when...
58626 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58628 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58629 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58630 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58631 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58632 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58633 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58634 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58636 You know you're in trouble when...
58637 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58638 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58639 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58640 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58641 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58642 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58643 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58644 after you bought a waterbed.
58645 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58646 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58649 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58650 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58651 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58652 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58654 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58655 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58657 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58659 You learn to write as if to someone else
58660 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58662 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58664 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58665 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58666 -- Remington Steele
58668 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58674 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58676 You may already be a loser.
58677 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58679 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58680 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58682 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58683 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58685 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58687 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58688 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58691 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58692 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58695 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58696 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58697 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58699 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58703 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58705 You may have heard that a dean is
58706 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58709 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58710 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58711 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58713 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58714 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58716 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58719 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58720 making lots of little phone companies?
58722 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58723 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58724 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58725 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58726 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58728 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58729 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58730 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58731 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58733 You might have mail.
58735 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58736 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58737 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58740 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58741 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58743 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58744 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58745 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58746 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58747 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58748 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58749 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58750 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58751 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58753 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58754 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58755 are merely deputies of that one.
58758 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58759 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58761 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58763 You need no longer worry about the future.
58764 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58766 You need not worry about your future.
58768 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58769 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58770 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58772 -- Charles A. Beard
58774 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58777 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58779 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58781 You never have to change anything you
58782 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58785 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58787 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58790 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58793 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58795 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58796 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58797 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58798 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58799 guys were getting stoned!
58802 You now have Asian Flu.
58804 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58805 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58806 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58808 -- J. Wellington Wells
58810 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58812 You plan things that you do not even
58813 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58815 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58817 You prefer the company of the opposite
58818 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58820 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58821 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
58824 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
58826 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
58827 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
58835 Let's go be the Vice President...
58837 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
58839 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
58840 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
58841 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
58842 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
58843 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
58844 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
58845 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
58846 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
58847 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
58848 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
58849 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
58850 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
58854 You see things; and you say "Why?"
58855 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
58856 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
58857 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
58859 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
58860 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
58861 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
58862 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
58864 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
58866 You seek to shield those you love
58867 and you like the role of the provider.
58869 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
58871 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
58874 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
58876 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
58879 You should go home.
58881 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
58882 incest and folk-dancing.
58883 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
58885 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
58887 -- Ernest Rutherford
58889 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
58890 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
58891 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
58893 You should never wear your best trousers
58894 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
58897 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
58898 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
58899 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
58900 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
58901 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
58902 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
58903 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
58904 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58906 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
58907 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
58908 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
58909 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
58910 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
58911 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
58912 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
58913 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
58914 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
58915 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
58917 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
58919 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
58921 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
58922 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
58923 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
58925 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
58926 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
58928 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
58929 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
58932 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
58934 You teach best what you most need to learn.
58936 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
58938 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
58940 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
58941 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
58942 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
58944 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
58945 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
58946 make really big Zorkmids."
58948 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
58949 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
58951 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
58953 You too can wear a nose mitten.
58955 You tread upon my patience.
58956 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
58958 You two ought to be more careful--
58959 your love could drag on for years and years.
58961 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
58962 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
58965 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
58967 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
58969 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
58971 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
58973 You will be advanced socially,
58974 without any special effort on your part.
58976 You will be aided greatly by a person
58977 whom you thought to be unimportant.
58979 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
58980 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
58982 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
58984 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
58986 You will be awarded some great honor.
58988 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
58990 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
58992 You will be dead within a year.
58994 You will be divorced within a year.
58996 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
58998 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
59000 You will be honored for contributing
59001 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
59003 You will be imprisoned for contributing
59004 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
59006 You will be married within a year.
59008 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
59010 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
59012 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
59014 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
59016 You will be run over by a beer truck.
59018 You will be run over by a bus.
59020 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
59022 You will be successful in love.
59024 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
59026 You will be surrounded by luxury.
59028 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
59030 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
59032 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
59034 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
59036 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
59038 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
59040 You will contract a rare disease.
59042 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
59044 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
59046 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
59048 You will find me drinking gin
59049 In the lowest kind of inn,
59050 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
59051 -- G. K. Chesterton
59053 You will forget that you ever knew me.
59055 You will gain money by a fattening action.
59057 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
59059 You will gain money by an illegal action.
59061 You will gain money by an immoral action.
59063 You will get what you deserve.
59065 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
59067 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
59069 You will have a long and boring life.
59071 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
59073 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
59075 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
59077 You will have long and healthy life.
59079 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
59081 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
59083 You will inherit millions of dollars.
59085 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
59087 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
59089 You will live to see your grandchildren.
59091 You will lose an important disk file.
59093 You will lose an important tape file.
59095 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
59096 mayonnaise salesman.
59098 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
59100 You will never amount to much.
59101 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
59103 You will never know hunger.
59105 You will not be elected to public office this year.
59107 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
59109 You will outgrow your usefulness.
59111 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
59113 You will pass away very quickly.
59115 You will pay for your sins.
59116 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
59118 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
59120 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
59122 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
59124 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
59126 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
59128 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
59129 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
59130 the butter upon a hot day.
59133 You will soon forget this.
59135 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
59137 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
59139 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
59140 but only because your brakes are defective.
59142 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
59144 You will triumph over your enemy.
59146 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
59148 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
59150 You will wish you hadn't.
59152 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
59155 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
59157 You worry too much about your job.
59158 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
59160 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
59161 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
59162 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
59163 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
59164 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
59165 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
59166 yourself in this way."
59167 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
59169 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
59171 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
59172 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
59173 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
59175 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
59176 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
59180 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
59181 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
59183 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
59186 What you always were,
59187 Which has nothing to do with,
59188 All to do, with her.
59191 You'll be called to a post requiring
59192 ability in handling groups of people.
59196 You'll feel devilish tonight.
59197 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
59199 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
59201 You'll never be the man your mother was!
59203 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
59204 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
59206 You'll wish that you had done some of the
59207 hard things when they were easier to do.
59209 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
59210 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
59211 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
59212 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
59213 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
59214 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
59215 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
59216 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
59217 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
59218 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
59219 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
59220 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
59221 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
59222 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
59223 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
59224 the defects of both.
59225 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
59227 Young men, hear an old man to whom
59228 old men hearkened when he was young.
59231 Young men think old men are fools;
59232 but old men know young men are fools.
59235 Your aim is high and to the right.
59237 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
59239 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
59240 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
59242 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
59243 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
59245 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
59247 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
59249 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
59251 Your business will assume vast proportions.
59253 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
59255 Your code should be more efficient!
59257 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
59259 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
59261 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
59264 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
59265 ...Here's How You Can Tell
59266 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
59267 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
59268 listed 10 signs to watch for:
59269 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
59270 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
59271 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
59272 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
59273 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
59274 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
59275 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
59276 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
59277 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
59278 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
59279 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
59280 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
59281 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
59283 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
59285 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
59287 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
59288 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
59289 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
59290 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
59291 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
59292 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
59293 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
59294 seconds if we felt like it.
59295 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
59297 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
59299 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
59301 Your fault - core dumped
59303 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
59306 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
59311 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
59312 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
59313 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
59314 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
59315 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
59317 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
59318 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
59319 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
59320 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
59321 other discover your good qualities without your help.
59326 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
59327 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
59328 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
59329 and you will live all the days of your life.
59331 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
59332 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
59333 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
59334 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
59335 miss two car payments.
59337 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
59338 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
59339 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
59340 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
59341 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
59347 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
59348 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
59349 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
59350 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
59351 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
59353 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
59354 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
59355 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
59356 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
59359 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
59360 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
59361 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
59362 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
59363 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
59364 than people who work standing up.
59366 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
59367 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
59368 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
59370 Your goose is cooked.
59371 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
59373 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
59375 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
59377 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
59379 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
59381 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
59383 Your love life will be... interesting.
59385 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
59387 Your lucky color has faded.
59389 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
59391 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
59392 Watch for it everywhere.
59394 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
59395 original and the part that is original is not good.
59398 Your mind is the part of you that says,
59399 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
59400 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
59401 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
59402 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
59404 Your mind understands what you have been
59405 taught; your heart, what is true.
59407 Your mode of life will be changed for
59408 the better because of good news soon.
59410 Your mode of life will be changed for
59411 the better because of new developments.
59413 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
59415 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
59417 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
59418 Face like ice, a little bit colder
59419 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
59420 You learned in school"
59421 But I don't really see
59422 Why can't we go on as three?
59423 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
59425 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
59426 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
59428 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
59430 Your object is to save the world,
59431 while still leading a pleasant life.
59433 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
59434 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
59435 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
59436 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
59437 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
59439 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
59441 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
59443 Your password is pitifully obvious.
59445 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
59447 Your present plans will be successful.
59449 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
59451 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
59453 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
59454 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
59455 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
59456 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
59458 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
59460 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
59462 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
59464 Your step will soil many countries.
59466 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
59468 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
59470 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
59471 be relieved in a surprising manner.
59473 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
59475 Your wig steers the gig.
59478 Your wise men don't know how it feels
59479 To be thick as a brick.
59480 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
59482 Your worship is your furnaces
59483 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
59484 have molten bowels; your vision is
59485 machines for making more machines.
59486 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
59488 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
59490 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
59491 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
59493 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
59494 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
59496 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
59497 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
59499 You're all clear now, kid.
59500 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
59503 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
59505 You're already carrying the sphere!
59507 You're always thinking you're gonna be
59508 the one that makes 'em act different.
59509 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
59511 You're at the end of the road again.
59513 You're at Witt's End.
59515 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
59517 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
59519 You're definitely on their list.
59520 The question to ask next is what list it is.
59522 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
59523 -- Eldridge Cleaver
59525 You're growing out of some of your problems,
59526 but there are others that you're growing into.
59528 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
59529 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
59532 You're never too old to become younger.
59535 You're not Dave. Who are you?
59537 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
59540 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
59542 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
59543 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
59545 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
59547 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
59549 You're working under a slight handicap.
59550 You happen to be human.
59552 Yours is not to reason why,
59554 And when you find you have to throw
59556 Remember life as was it is,
59558 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
59559 'Till silence is but a blur.
59562 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
59564 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
59565 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
59566 -- Robert F. Kennedy
59568 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
59570 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
59571 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
59573 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
59574 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
59576 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
59577 -- George Bernard Shaw
59579 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
59581 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
59582 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
59584 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
59587 You've been Berkeley'ed!
59589 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
59591 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
59592 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
59593 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
59595 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
59596 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
59597 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
59598 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
59600 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
59601 if only you could get a good picture of it.
59603 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
59604 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
59606 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59609 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59611 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59613 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
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\by* yet!
59616 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59617 (see also Computer).
59620 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59622 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59626 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59629 The result of shutting down a production line.
59631 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59632 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59634 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59637 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59639 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
59640 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
59641 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59643 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59644 People are always available for work in the past tense.