1 This fortune brought to you by:
5 =======================================================================
7 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
8 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
10 =======================================================================
11 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
13 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
14 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
15 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
16 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
17 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
18 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
19 Read the Warner paperback!
20 Invoke the Unix program!
21 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
22 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
26 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
28 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
29 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
30 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
31 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
32 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
33 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
34 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
35 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
40 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
41 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
58 you're splitting my ends.
62 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
63 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
66 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
67 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
68 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
69 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
70 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
71 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
72 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
73 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
75 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
76 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
77 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
81 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
82 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
83 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
84 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
85 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
86 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
87 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
89 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
91 -- Gifts for Children --
93 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
94 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
95 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
96 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
97 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
98 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
99 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
100 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
101 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
102 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
103 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
107 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
108 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
109 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
110 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
111 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
112 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
113 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
114 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
115 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
116 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
117 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
119 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
120 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
122 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
128 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
129 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
130 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
134 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
135 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
136 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
141 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
142 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
143 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
144 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
145 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
146 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
147 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
148 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
149 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
150 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
151 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
152 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
153 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
155 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
157 It's grad exam time...
159 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
160 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
161 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
162 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
163 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
166 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
167 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
168 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
171 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
173 It's grad exam time...
175 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
176 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
177 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
180 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
181 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
182 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
183 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
186 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
187 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
188 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
190 Pittsburgh driver's test
192 a) extremely dangerous.
194 c) the fault of the previous administration.
195 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
196 The correct answer is b.
197 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
198 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
199 you have nothing to worry about.
201 Pittsburgh driver's test
202 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
204 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
207 The correct answer is d.
208 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
210 Pittsburgh driver's test
211 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
212 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
213 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
215 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
216 The correct answer is d.
217 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
219 Answer c is worth a half point.
221 Pittsburgh driver's test
227 The correct answer is b.
228 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
229 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
230 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
232 Pittsburgh driver's test
233 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
234 How often should you test it?
239 The correct answer is d.
240 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
241 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
243 Pittsburgh driver's test
244 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
245 but a steady left tail light. This means
246 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
247 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
248 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
249 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
250 d) The driver is from out of town.
251 The correct answer is d.
252 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
254 Pittsburgh driver's test
259 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
260 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
261 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
264 Pittsburgh driver's test
265 9: Roads are salted in order to
270 The correct answer is c.
271 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
272 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
273 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
276 Has your family tried 'em?
280 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
282 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
283 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
287 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
288 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
289 stains that indicate freshness.
291 THE STORY OF CREATION
295 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
296 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
297 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
298 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
299 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
300 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
301 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
304 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
307 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
308 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
309 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
310 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
311 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
313 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
314 he met the traveling salesman.
315 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
316 in high-level language.
317 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
318 and Apples," commented Jack.
319 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
320 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
321 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
322 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
324 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
325 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
328 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
330 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
331 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
334 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
335 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
336 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
337 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
338 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
343 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
344 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
345 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
347 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
348 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
349 Know what to kiss -- and when.
350 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
352 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
353 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
354 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
355 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
357 You are a fluke of the universe ...
358 You have no right to be here.
359 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
360 Is laughing behind your back.
364 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
366 Double bucky, you're the one!
367 You make my keyboard lots of fun
368 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
370 Control and Meta side by side,
371 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
372 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
374 Double bucky, left and right
375 OR'd together, outta sight!
376 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
377 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
378 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
380 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
382 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
383 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
384 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
385 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
386 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
389 In the church of Aphrodite,
390 The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
391 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
392 And she's good enough for me!
395 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
396 Give me that old time religion,
397 Give me that old time religion,
398 'Cause it's good enough for me!
400 Hard Copies and Chmod
402 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
403 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
404 user-hostile software
406 of course they're only bits and bytes
407 and characters and strings
410 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
411 telling me he loves me and
412 he'll take care of me
414 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
415 deep intimate secrets and
416 how he doesn't trust me
418 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
419 on personal stationery
420 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
422 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
423 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
424 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
425 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
427 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
428 neither has street credibility.
429 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
430 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
432 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
434 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
435 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
436 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
437 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
438 up of western dualism?
439 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
442 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
443 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
444 All kludgy were the function flows
445 And subroutines adhoc.
447 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
448 squrooneg, the false goto
449 Beware the infiniteloop
450 And shun the inprectoo.
452 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
453 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
454 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
455 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
456 when you hit the ground.
457 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
458 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
459 to psychological problems.
460 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
461 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
462 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
463 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
464 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
465 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
466 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
467 staggering illegally.
468 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
469 sanitary due to limited circulation.
470 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
473 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
474 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
475 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
476 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
477 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
478 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
479 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
480 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
481 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
482 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
483 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
484 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
485 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
486 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
487 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
488 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
489 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
490 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
491 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
494 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
495 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
496 But if you split those atoms fine,
497 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
498 Gimme zits, take my dough,
499 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
500 Call the devil and sell my soul,
501 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
505 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
507 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
508 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
510 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
511 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
512 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
514 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
515 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
516 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
517 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
518 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
519 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
521 The Three Major Kind of Tools
523 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
524 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
525 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
526 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
528 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
530 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
531 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
532 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
533 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
534 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
536 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
537 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
538 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
539 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
540 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
541 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
542 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
543 And we've also found Just flip one switch
544 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
545 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
547 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
548 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
549 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
551 'Twas the Night before Crisis
553 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
554 Not a program was working not even a browse.
555 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
556 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
557 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
558 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
559 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
560 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
561 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
562 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
563 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
564 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
565 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
566 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
567 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
568 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
569 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
570 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
572 What I Did During My Fall Semester
573 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
574 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
575 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
577 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
578 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
579 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
581 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
582 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
583 I found a thesis topic:
584 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
585 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
586 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
588 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
590 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
591 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
592 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
593 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
594 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
595 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
596 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
597 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
598 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
599 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
600 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
601 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
602 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
603 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
604 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
605 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
611 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
615 The integral of z squared, dz
616 From 1 to the square root of 3
619 Is the log of the cube root of e
623 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
624 Plans to "Eat it later"
626 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
628 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
629 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
630 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
631 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
632 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
633 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
634 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
635 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
636 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
637 you should blame when you make a mistake.
639 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
640 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
641 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
643 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
645 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
648 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
649 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
650 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
651 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
652 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
653 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
654 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
655 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
656 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
657 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
658 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
659 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
660 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
661 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
662 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
664 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
665 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
666 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
667 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
668 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
670 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
671 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
672 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
673 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
675 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
676 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
677 try this simple test:
678 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
679 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
680 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
681 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
682 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
683 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
685 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
687 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
688 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
689 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
690 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
691 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
692 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
693 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
694 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
695 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
696 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
697 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
698 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
699 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
700 yourself in the morning.
703 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
705 System going down in 60 seconds
709 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
710 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
711 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
712 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
713 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
714 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
715 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
716 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
717 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
718 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
719 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
721 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
723 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
725 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
726 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
729 A dozen, a gross and a score,
730 Plus three times the square root of four,
732 Plus five times eleven,
733 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
735 7,140 pounds on the Sun
736 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
738 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
739 43 pounds on the Moon
740 648 pounds on Jupiter
742 303 pounds on Neptune
745 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
748 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
749 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
750 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
751 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
753 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
754 of carp-to-carp walleting."
756 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
757 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
758 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
759 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
760 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
761 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
762 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
763 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
764 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
765 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
767 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
768 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
769 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
770 have what I think is a pretty good act."
771 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
772 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
773 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
774 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
775 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
776 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
777 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
778 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
779 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
780 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
783 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
786 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
787 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
788 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
789 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
790 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
792 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
793 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
794 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
795 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
796 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
797 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
798 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
799 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
800 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
801 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
803 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
804 house of seven gobbles.
806 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
807 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
808 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
809 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
810 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
811 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
812 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
813 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
814 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
815 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
817 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
818 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
819 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
820 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
821 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
822 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
824 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
825 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
826 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
827 sadly, "runneth over."
829 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
830 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
831 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
832 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
833 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
834 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
836 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
837 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
838 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
839 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
840 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
841 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
842 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
843 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
844 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
845 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
846 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
847 only blurt out, "What happened?"
848 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
849 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
850 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
851 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
852 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
853 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
855 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
856 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
857 brother and inquires after his pet.
858 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
859 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
860 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
861 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
862 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
863 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
864 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
865 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
867 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
870 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
871 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
872 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
873 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
874 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
875 dog's stuck in its throat."
877 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
878 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
879 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
881 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
882 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
884 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
885 The housewife replied, "Four!".
886 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
887 through my spread sheet one more time."
888 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
889 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
891 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
892 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
893 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
895 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
896 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
897 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
898 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
899 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
900 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
902 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
903 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
904 The bartender ignores him.
905 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
907 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
908 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
909 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
910 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
911 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
912 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
913 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
915 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
916 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
917 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
918 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
919 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
920 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
921 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
922 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
923 told, "that one is 150,000."
924 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
925 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
926 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
927 -- being told in Poland, 1987
929 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
930 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
931 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
932 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
933 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
935 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
937 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
938 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
939 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
940 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
941 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
942 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
943 little more ... that's it."
944 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
945 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
946 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
947 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
948 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
949 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
950 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
951 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
953 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
954 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
955 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
956 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
957 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
958 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
959 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
960 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
962 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
963 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
964 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
965 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
966 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
967 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
968 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
969 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
971 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
972 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
973 was making a bolt for the door.
975 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
976 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
977 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
978 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
979 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
980 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
981 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
982 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
983 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
985 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
986 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
987 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
988 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
991 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
992 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
994 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
996 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
997 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
999 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
1000 how long will it take?"
1001 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
1002 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
1003 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
1004 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
1005 The programmer agreed to this.
1006 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
1007 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
1008 He had been programming all night.
1009 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1011 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
1012 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
1013 manager retained his job.
1014 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
1015 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
1016 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
1017 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
1018 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
1019 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
1020 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
1021 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
1022 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
1023 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1025 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
1026 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
1027 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
1028 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
1029 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
1030 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
1031 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
1032 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
1033 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
1034 completed," he said.
1035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1037 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
1038 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
1039 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
1040 resigned on the spot.
1041 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
1042 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
1043 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
1044 hours of the morning.
1045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1047 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
1048 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
1049 he said, "may I examine it?"
1050 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
1051 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
1052 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
1053 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
1055 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
1056 mysterious setting?"
1057 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
1058 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
1059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1061 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
1062 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
1064 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
1065 "It is," came the reply.
1066 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
1067 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
1068 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
1069 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
1070 over for today," he said.
1071 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1075 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
1076 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
1077 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
1078 today's minute attention span.
1080 The Troubled Aardvark
1082 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
1083 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
1084 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
1085 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
1086 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
1087 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
1088 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
1089 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
1090 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
1091 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
1092 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
1094 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
1097 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
1098 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
1100 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
1101 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1102 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1103 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1104 "If what?" asked the composer.
1105 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1107 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1108 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1109 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1110 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1111 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1112 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1113 power-down sequence.
1114 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1115 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1116 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1119 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1120 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1121 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1122 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1123 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1124 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1125 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1126 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1127 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1128 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1129 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1131 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1132 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1133 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1134 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1135 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1136 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1137 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1138 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1139 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1140 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1142 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1143 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1145 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1146 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1147 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1149 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1150 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1151 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1152 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1153 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1154 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1156 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1157 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1158 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1159 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1160 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1161 unnatural entity exist?"
1162 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1163 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1164 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1165 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1166 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1168 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1170 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1171 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1172 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1173 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1174 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1175 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1178 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1179 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1180 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1181 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1184 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1185 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1186 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1187 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1188 party. He walked out into the night.
1189 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1190 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1192 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1193 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1194 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1196 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1197 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1198 has killed them all.
1199 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1200 went out to be killed?
1201 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1202 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1204 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
1205 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
1206 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
1207 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
1208 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
1210 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1211 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1212 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1213 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1215 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
1216 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1217 way that astonishes him least.
1218 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1219 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1221 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1222 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1224 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1226 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1227 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1228 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1229 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1230 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
1231 made rude noises during my presentation."
1232 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1233 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1234 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1235 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1236 with social conventions?"
1237 "They are alive within the Tao."
1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1240 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1241 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1242 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1243 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1244 which contained twelve more loons.
1245 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1246 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1247 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1248 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1250 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1251 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1252 his wellness potential."
1254 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1255 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1257 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1258 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1260 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1261 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1263 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1264 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1265 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1266 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1267 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1268 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1269 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1270 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1272 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1274 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1275 "This is a parson to parson call."
1276 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1277 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1278 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1279 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1280 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1281 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1282 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1283 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1284 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1287 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1288 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1289 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1291 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1292 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1293 really want to know.
1294 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1295 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1297 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1298 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1299 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1300 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1301 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1302 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1303 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1304 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1305 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1306 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1307 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1308 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1309 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1310 going to it is so large.
1311 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1312 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1313 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1314 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1315 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1316 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1317 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1319 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1320 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1321 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1322 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1323 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1324 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1325 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1326 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1327 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1329 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1331 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1332 to die, would you remarry?"
1333 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1334 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1335 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1336 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1337 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1338 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1339 I've always loved it here."
1340 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1343 "She's left handed."
1345 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1346 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1347 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1348 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1349 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1350 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1351 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1353 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1354 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1355 suck the poison from the wound."
1356 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1357 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1358 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1359 who my real friends are."
1361 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1362 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1363 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1364 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1365 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1366 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1367 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1368 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1369 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1370 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1373 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1374 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1375 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1376 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1377 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1379 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1380 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1381 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1383 "This is true," He replied.
1384 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1385 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1386 right to make his laws?"
1387 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1392 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1393 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1394 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1395 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1396 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1397 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1400 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1401 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1402 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1403 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1405 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1406 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1407 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1408 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1409 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1410 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1411 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1412 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1413 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1414 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1415 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1416 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1417 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1418 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1419 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1420 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1423 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1424 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1425 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1426 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1428 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1429 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1430 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1433 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1434 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1435 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1436 These are the things I learned:
1440 Put things back where you found them.
1441 Clean up your own mess.
1442 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1443 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1444 Wash your hands before you eat.
1446 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1447 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1448 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1449 Take a nap every afternoon.
1450 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1452 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1453 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1454 how or why, but we are all like that.
1455 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1456 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1457 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1458 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1459 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1460 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1462 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1463 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1464 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1465 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1466 and to clean up their own mess.
1467 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1468 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1469 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1470 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1472 All that you touch, And all you create,
1473 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1474 All that you taste, All that you do,
1475 All you feel, And all you say,
1476 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1477 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1478 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1479 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1480 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1481 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1482 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1483 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1485 But the sun is eclipsed
1488 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1489 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1491 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1492 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1493 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1494 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1496 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1497 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1498 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1499 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1500 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1501 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1502 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1503 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1504 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1505 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1506 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1507 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1509 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1510 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1512 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1513 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1514 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1515 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1516 is ready to build a second system.
1517 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1518 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1519 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1520 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1522 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1523 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1524 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1525 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1527 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1528 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1529 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1530 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1531 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1532 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1534 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1535 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1536 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1537 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1538 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1539 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1541 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1542 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1543 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1544 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1547 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1548 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1549 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1550 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1551 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1552 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1553 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1554 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1555 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1556 this head and pulls the trigger.
1557 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1559 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1560 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1562 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1563 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1564 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1565 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1566 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1567 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1568 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1569 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1570 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1571 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1572 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1573 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1574 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1575 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1577 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1578 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1579 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1580 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1581 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1582 hour seems like a minute."
1583 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1584 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1585 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1587 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1588 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1589 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1590 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1591 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1592 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1593 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1595 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1596 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1597 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1598 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1599 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1600 (skip a bit brother...)
1601 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1602 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1603 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1604 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1605 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1606 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1607 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1609 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1611 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1612 asked the father of his little son.
1615 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1616 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1618 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1619 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1620 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1623 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1624 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
1625 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1626 "That was the curious incident."
1627 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1629 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1630 preaching to a group of disciples.
1631 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1632 the absolute reality of --"
1633 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1634 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1636 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1637 with the spirit of the morning.
1638 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1640 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1641 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1643 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1644 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1645 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1646 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1647 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1648 Governor, and he vaporized.
1649 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1650 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1652 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1653 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1654 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1655 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1656 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1657 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1659 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1661 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1662 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1663 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1665 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
1666 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
1670 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1671 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1673 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1674 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1675 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1676 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1677 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1678 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1679 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1680 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1681 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1682 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1684 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1685 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1686 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1687 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1688 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1689 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1690 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1691 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1692 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1693 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1694 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1695 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1696 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1697 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1698 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1699 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1701 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1702 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1703 still five feet between rails.
1704 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1705 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1706 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1707 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1708 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1709 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1710 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1711 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1712 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1714 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1716 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1717 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1718 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1719 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1720 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1721 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1722 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1723 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1724 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1725 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1726 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1727 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1728 it some other time, Carrie."
1730 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1732 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1733 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1734 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1737 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1738 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1739 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1743 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
1744 A medley of extemporanea;
1745 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
1746 And I am Marie of Roumania.
1749 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1750 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1752 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1755 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1757 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1758 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1759 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1760 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1761 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1762 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1763 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1764 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1765 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1766 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1767 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1768 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1769 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1770 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1771 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1772 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1773 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1774 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1775 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1777 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1779 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1780 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1781 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1782 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1783 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1784 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1786 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1787 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1788 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1789 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1790 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1792 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1794 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1795 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1796 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1797 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1798 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1799 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1800 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1801 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1802 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1803 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1805 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1806 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1808 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1810 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1811 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1813 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1814 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1815 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1816 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1818 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1819 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1820 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1821 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1822 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1824 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1825 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1827 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1829 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1830 Or is Vaseline better?
1832 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1833 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1834 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1835 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1836 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1837 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1838 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1839 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1840 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1841 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1842 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1844 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1845 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1846 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1847 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1848 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1849 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1850 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1851 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1852 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1853 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1854 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1855 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1856 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1857 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1858 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1859 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1860 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1861 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1862 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1864 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1865 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1866 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1867 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1868 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1869 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1870 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1871 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1872 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1874 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1875 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1876 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1877 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1878 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1879 shot at mine, over there."
1881 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1882 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1883 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1884 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1885 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1886 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1887 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1888 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1889 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1890 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1891 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1892 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1893 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1895 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1896 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1897 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1898 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1901 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1902 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1903 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1904 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1905 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1906 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1907 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1908 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1909 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1910 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1911 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1912 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1914 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1915 that she didn't recognize me.
1916 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1917 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1918 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1919 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1921 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1922 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1923 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1924 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1925 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1926 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1927 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1929 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1930 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1931 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1932 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1933 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1934 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1935 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1936 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1937 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1938 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1939 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1940 energy policy and neither do you."
1941 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1943 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1944 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1945 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1947 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1948 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1949 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1950 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1951 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1952 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1953 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1954 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1955 the little hammers strike.
1956 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1957 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1958 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1960 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1961 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1962 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1966 Say my love is easy had,
1967 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
1968 Say I am too often sad --
1969 Still behold me at your side.
1971 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
1972 Say I woo and coddle care,
1973 Say the devil touched my tongue --
1974 Still you have my heart to wear.
1976 But say my verses do not scan,
1977 And I get me another man!
1980 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1981 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1987 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1988 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1990 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1991 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1993 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1995 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1996 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1997 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1998 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1999 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
2000 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
2001 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
2002 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
2003 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
2004 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
2005 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
2006 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
2007 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
2008 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
2010 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
2012 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
2013 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
2014 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
2015 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
2016 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
2017 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
2018 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
2019 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
2020 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
2021 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
2022 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
2023 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
2024 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
2025 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
2027 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
2028 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
2029 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
2031 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
2032 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
2034 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
2035 extracurricular activity except you."
2036 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
2037 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
2041 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
2042 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
2043 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
2044 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
2045 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
2046 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
2048 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
2049 differences once and for all.
2050 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
2051 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
2053 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
2054 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
2055 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
2056 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
2057 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
2058 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
2059 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
2060 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
2061 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
2062 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
2063 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
2065 Thank you and good luck.
2066 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
2068 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
2070 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
2071 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
2072 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
2073 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
2074 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
2075 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
2078 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
2079 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
2080 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
2081 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
2082 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
2083 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
2084 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
2085 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
2086 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
2087 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
2088 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
2089 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
2090 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
2091 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
2092 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
2093 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
2094 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
2095 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
2096 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
2097 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
2098 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
2099 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
2101 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
2103 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
2104 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
2105 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
2106 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
2107 had actually implicationed.
2108 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
2109 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
2110 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
2113 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
2114 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
2115 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
2116 to conquer the world.
2117 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
2118 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
2119 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
2120 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
2121 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
2122 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
2123 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2125 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
2126 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
2127 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
2128 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
2129 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
2130 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
2131 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
2132 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
2133 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
2134 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
2135 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
2137 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
2138 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
2140 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
2141 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
2142 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
2143 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
2144 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
2145 the gun on himself!"
2146 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
2147 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
2149 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
2152 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
2153 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
2154 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
2155 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
2156 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
2157 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
2158 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
2159 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
2161 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
2162 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
2164 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
2165 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
2166 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
2168 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
2170 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
2171 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
2172 without darkening me.
2173 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas.
2175 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
2176 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
2178 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
2179 "How would that help?"
2182 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
2183 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
2184 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
2185 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
2186 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
2187 "Oh, it's not dead then."
2188 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
2189 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
2191 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
2192 to a dead cat, do you?"
2195 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
2196 with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
2197 Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
2198 define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
2199 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
2200 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
2201 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
2202 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
2203 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
2204 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
2205 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
2206 it because the court was going to take a nap.
2207 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2209 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
2210 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
2211 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
2212 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
2213 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
2214 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
2215 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
2216 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
2217 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
2218 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
2219 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
2220 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2221 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2222 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2223 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2224 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2226 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2227 of her blonde companion.
2228 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2229 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2232 "How many people work here?"
2235 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2236 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2237 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2238 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2240 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2241 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2242 full of money before."
2244 "How'd you get that flat?"
2245 "Ran over a bottle."
2246 "Didn't you see it?"
2247 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
2251 I will not play at tug o' war.
2252 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
2255 Where everyone giggles
2256 And rolls on the rug,
2257 Where everyone kisses,
2259 And everyone cuddles,
2263 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2264 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2265 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2266 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2267 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2268 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2269 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2270 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2271 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2272 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2273 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2275 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
2276 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
2277 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
2278 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
2280 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2282 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2283 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2284 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2287 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2288 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2289 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2290 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2291 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2292 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2293 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2294 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2295 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2297 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2299 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2300 (There's a hole *where*?)
2302 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2303 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2304 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2306 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2307 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2308 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2310 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2312 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2315 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2316 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2318 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2320 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2321 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2322 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2323 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2324 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2328 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2329 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2330 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2331 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2332 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2333 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2334 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2335 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2336 have to get back to you.
2340 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2341 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2342 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2344 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2346 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2347 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2349 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2350 so many different things."
2351 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
2355 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2356 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2357 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2358 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2359 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2360 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2361 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2362 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2363 understand his long delay.
2365 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2366 I think very probably he might be cured."
2367 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2368 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2369 The elders murmured assent.
2370 "Now, what affects it?"
2371 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2372 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2373 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2374 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2375 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2376 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2377 irritation and distraction."
2378 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2379 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2380 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2381 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2382 "And then he will be sane?"
2383 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2384 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2385 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2387 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2388 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2389 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2390 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2391 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2393 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2394 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2395 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2396 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2397 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2398 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2399 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2400 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2401 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2402 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2403 happened to be in the right.
2404 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2406 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2408 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2410 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2411 back; I would be nice."
2412 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2414 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2416 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2417 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2418 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2419 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2420 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2422 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2423 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2424 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2425 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2427 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2428 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2429 these complaints represent?"
2430 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2431 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2433 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2435 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2436 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2437 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2438 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2439 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2440 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2441 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2442 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2443 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2444 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2445 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2446 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2447 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2448 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2450 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2451 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2452 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2453 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2454 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2456 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
2458 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2459 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2460 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2461 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2462 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2464 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2465 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2466 that is also a psychological interaction.
2467 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2469 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2470 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2472 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2473 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2474 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2475 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2476 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2478 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2480 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2481 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2483 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2485 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2486 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2487 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2488 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2491 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2492 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2493 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2494 repeat the sequence.
2495 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2496 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2497 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2499 -- William S. Burroughs
2501 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2502 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2503 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2504 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2505 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2506 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2507 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2508 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2509 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2510 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2511 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2512 difficult can it be?"
2513 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2514 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2515 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2516 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2517 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2519 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2520 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2521 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2522 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2523 them, or something?"
2524 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2525 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2526 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2527 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2528 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2529 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2530 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2531 would destroy the whole point of it."
2532 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2534 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2535 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2537 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2539 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2540 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2541 library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2542 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2543 was by the time I find it.
2544 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2545 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2546 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2547 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2551 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2552 Junior, what are you up to?"
2553 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2555 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2556 will publish such rubbish!"
2557 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2558 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2559 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2560 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2561 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2563 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2564 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2565 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2566 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2567 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2568 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2569 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2571 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2572 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2574 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2575 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2576 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2577 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2578 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2579 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2580 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2581 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2582 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2584 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2585 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2586 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2587 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2588 been an efficiency expert?
2589 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2591 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2594 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2595 can see what we have done."
2596 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2597 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2598 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2599 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2600 "Certainly," said man.
2601 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2603 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2605 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2606 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2607 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2608 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2609 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2610 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2611 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2612 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2614 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2615 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2616 large numbers and prospered.
2617 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2618 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2619 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2620 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2621 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2622 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2623 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2624 they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
2625 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2626 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2627 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2628 -- The Story of Babel
2630 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2631 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2633 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2634 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2635 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2636 How could it be otherwise?
2637 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2639 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2640 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2641 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2642 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2643 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2644 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2645 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2646 you close your eyes?"
2647 "So that the room will be empty."
2648 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2650 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2651 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2652 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2653 This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
2654 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2655 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2656 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2657 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2658 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2659 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2660 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2662 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2663 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2665 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2666 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2667 You can ask them anything you want to.
2668 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2670 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2671 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2673 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2674 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2676 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
2677 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2683 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2684 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2685 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2686 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2687 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2688 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2691 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2692 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2693 life-style otherwise."
2694 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2696 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2697 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2698 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2699 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2700 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2701 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2702 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2703 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2704 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2705 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2706 than a citizen bless their country?"
2708 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2709 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2710 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2711 not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible
2712 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2713 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2714 in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2715 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2716 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2717 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2718 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2720 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
2723 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
2724 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
2726 Four be the things I'd been better without:
2727 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
2729 Three be the things I shall never attain:
2730 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
2732 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
2733 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
2735 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2736 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2737 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2738 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2739 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2740 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2741 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2742 freedom and games to the network...
2745 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2746 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2747 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2748 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2749 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2750 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2751 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2752 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2754 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2755 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2756 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2758 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2759 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2760 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2761 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2762 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2763 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2764 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2765 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2766 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2767 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2768 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2769 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2770 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2771 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2772 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2773 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2775 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2776 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2777 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2778 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2779 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2780 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2781 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2782 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2783 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2785 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2786 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2787 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2788 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2789 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2790 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2791 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2793 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2794 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2795 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2796 need to find out where we are."
2797 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2798 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2799 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2801 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2802 fifty feet in the air!"
2803 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2804 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2805 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2808 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2809 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2810 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2812 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2813 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2814 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2815 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2816 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2817 really needed in the first place.
2818 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2819 analogous to the above.
2820 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2822 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2823 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2824 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2825 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2826 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2827 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2828 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2830 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2832 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2833 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2834 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2835 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2836 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2837 it always me, teacher?"
2838 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2841 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2843 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2844 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2845 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2846 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2847 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2848 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2849 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2850 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2851 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2852 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2856 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2857 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2858 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2859 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2860 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2861 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2862 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2863 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2864 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2865 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2866 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2867 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2868 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2869 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2870 now. They're in a band.
2873 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2874 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2875 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2876 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2877 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2878 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2879 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2880 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2881 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2882 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2883 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2884 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2886 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2887 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2888 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2889 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2890 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2892 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2893 he met the traveling salesman.
2894 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2895 in high-level language.
2896 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2897 and Apples," commented Jack.
2898 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2899 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2900 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2901 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2903 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2904 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2906 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2908 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2909 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2910 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2911 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2912 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2913 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2914 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2915 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2916 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2917 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2918 smacked his lips with relish.
2919 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2920 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2925 My love is like an iron wand
2926 That conks me on the head,
2927 My love is like the valium
2928 That I take before my bed,
2929 My love is like the pint of scotch
2930 That I drink when I be dry;
2931 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2932 Until my wife is wise.
2934 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2935 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2937 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2938 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2939 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2942 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2943 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2944 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2945 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2946 All I have in the world is this gun."
2948 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2949 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2950 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2951 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2952 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2953 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2954 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2955 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2957 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2958 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2959 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2960 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2961 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2962 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2963 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2964 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2965 movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2966 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2967 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2968 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2969 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2970 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2971 possible, and turns to Murray.
2972 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2973 spits in the sergeants face.
2974 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2975 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2977 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
2978 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2979 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2980 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2981 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2982 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2983 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2984 and Knights of Pithiests.
2985 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2986 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2987 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2988 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2989 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2990 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2991 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2992 imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2993 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2994 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2995 So we're going back in a few years...
2998 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2999 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
3000 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
3001 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
3002 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
3003 the alter of human limitations.
3004 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
3005 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
3006 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
3007 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
3008 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
3009 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
3010 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
3011 earth really does revolve about the sun.
3012 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
3014 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
3015 a girl should not do before twenty."
3016 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
3019 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
3020 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
3021 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
3022 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
3023 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
3024 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
3025 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
3027 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
3028 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
3029 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
3030 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
3031 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
3032 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
3033 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
3034 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
3036 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
3037 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
3038 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
3039 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
3040 true value of the company.
3041 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
3042 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
3043 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
3044 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
3045 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
3046 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
3049 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
3050 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
3051 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
3052 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
3053 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
3054 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
3056 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
3057 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
3059 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
3060 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
3061 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
3062 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
3063 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
3064 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
3065 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
3066 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
3067 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
3068 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
3069 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
3070 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
3071 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
3072 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
3073 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
3075 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
3076 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
3077 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
3078 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
3079 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
3080 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
3081 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
3082 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
3083 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
3084 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
3085 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
3086 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
3087 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
3088 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
3089 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
3091 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3093 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
3094 to be avoided than harped upon.
3095 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
3096 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
3097 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
3098 about helping to postpone this reunion.
3099 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
3101 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
3102 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
3103 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
3104 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
3106 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
3109 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
3110 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
3111 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
3112 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
3113 no attention to the signal.
3114 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
3115 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
3116 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
3117 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
3118 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
3120 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
3121 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
3122 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
3123 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
3124 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
3125 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
3126 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
3127 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
3128 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
3130 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
3131 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
3132 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
3133 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
3134 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
3135 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
3136 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
3137 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
3138 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
3139 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
3140 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
3141 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
3142 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
3143 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
3146 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
3147 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
3148 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
3149 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
3150 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
3152 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
3153 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
3154 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
3156 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
3157 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
3159 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
3160 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
3161 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
3162 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
3163 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
3164 best, write it down and make that the standard.
3165 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
3166 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
3167 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
3168 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
3169 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
3170 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
3171 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
3172 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
3173 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
3174 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
3175 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
3176 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
3178 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
3179 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
3180 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
3181 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
3182 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
3183 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
3184 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
3185 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
3186 she looked like the side of a barn.
3187 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
3188 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
3189 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
3190 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
3191 to decide quickly. I decided.
3192 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
3193 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
3194 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
3195 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
3196 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
3197 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
3198 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
3199 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
3201 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
3202 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
3203 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
3204 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
3205 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
3206 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
3207 week, until it led them to a parking space.
3208 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
3209 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
3210 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
3211 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
3212 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
3213 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
3214 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
3215 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
3216 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
3217 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
3218 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
3221 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
3222 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
3223 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
3224 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
3225 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
3226 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
3227 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
3228 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
3229 die quicker than boredom!"
3230 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
3231 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
3232 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
3233 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
3234 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
3235 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
3236 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
3237 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
3238 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
3239 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
3240 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
3243 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
3244 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
3245 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
3246 dolphins live forever!
3247 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
3248 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
3249 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
3250 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
3251 steal one of these birds.
3252 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
3253 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
3254 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
3255 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
3256 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
3257 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
3258 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
3259 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
3260 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
3262 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
3263 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
3264 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
3265 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
3266 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
3267 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
3268 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
3269 help you break such a spell."
3270 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
3271 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
3272 the night under her pillow."
3273 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
3274 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
3275 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
3276 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
3277 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
3279 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
3280 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
3281 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
3282 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
3283 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
3284 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
3285 accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
3286 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
3287 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
3288 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
3289 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
3290 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
3291 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
3292 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
3293 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
3294 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
3295 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
3296 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3297 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3298 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3299 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3301 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3302 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3303 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3304 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3305 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3306 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3307 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3308 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3309 perception of the elephant.
3310 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3311 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3312 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3313 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3314 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3316 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3317 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3318 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3319 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3320 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3321 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3322 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3323 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3324 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3325 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3326 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3327 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3328 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3330 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3331 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3332 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3333 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3334 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3335 available to anyone.
3336 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3338 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3339 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3341 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3342 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3345 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3346 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3347 went to speak with him.
3348 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3350 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3351 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3352 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3354 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3355 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3356 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3357 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3358 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3359 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3361 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3363 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3364 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3365 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3366 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3368 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3369 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3370 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3371 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3372 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3373 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3374 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3375 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3376 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3377 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3378 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3379 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3380 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3381 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3382 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3383 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3384 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3385 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3386 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3389 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3390 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3391 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3392 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3393 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3394 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3396 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3397 Back came the reply...
3398 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3399 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3400 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3401 Back came the reply...
3402 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3403 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3405 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3406 is our support for UNIX?
3407 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3408 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3409 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3410 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3411 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3412 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3413 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3414 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3415 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3416 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3417 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3418 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3419 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3420 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3421 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3422 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3423 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3427 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3428 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3429 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3430 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3431 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3434 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3435 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3436 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3437 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3438 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3439 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3440 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3443 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3445 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3446 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3447 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3448 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3449 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3451 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3452 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3453 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3454 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3455 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3456 never reveal our sauce."
3457 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3458 kept favoring curry.
3459 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3460 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3462 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3463 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3465 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3466 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3467 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3468 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3469 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3470 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3471 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3472 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3473 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3474 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3475 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3476 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3478 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3479 sounding a bit worried.
3480 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3481 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3482 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3484 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3485 Cobb said, hopping out.
3486 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3488 Phases of a Project:
3492 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3493 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3494 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3496 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3497 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3498 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3499 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3500 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3501 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3502 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3503 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3504 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3505 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3507 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3508 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3509 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3510 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3511 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3513 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3514 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3515 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3516 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3517 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3519 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3521 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3522 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3523 ran like a gentle wind.
3524 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3525 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3526 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3527 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3528 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3529 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3530 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3531 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3532 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3533 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3534 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3535 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3536 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3537 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3539 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
3546 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3547 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3548 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3549 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3550 starfield surrounding the ship.
3551 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3552 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3553 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3554 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3555 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3556 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3557 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3559 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3560 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3561 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3562 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3563 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3564 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3565 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3566 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3567 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3568 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3569 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3570 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3571 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3572 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3574 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3575 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3576 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3577 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3578 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3579 if they don't live our way."
3581 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3582 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3583 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3584 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3585 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3586 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3587 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3588 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3589 "When you look at it that way..."
3590 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3591 Whatever. We want. To do."
3592 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3594 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3595 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3596 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3597 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3598 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3599 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3600 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3601 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3602 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3604 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3606 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3607 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3608 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3610 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3611 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3612 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3613 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3614 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3615 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3616 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3617 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3625 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3626 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3627 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3628 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3629 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3630 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3631 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3632 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3633 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3634 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3636 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3637 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3638 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3639 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3641 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3642 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3643 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3644 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3645 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3646 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3648 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3649 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3650 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3651 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3652 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3653 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3654 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3655 nice gesture you made today, George.
3656 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3657 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3658 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3659 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3662 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3663 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3664 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3665 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3666 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3667 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3668 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3669 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3670 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3671 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3673 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3674 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3675 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3676 the odd integers are prime."
3677 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3678 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3679 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3680 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3681 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3682 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3683 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3684 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3685 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3687 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3688 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3689 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3690 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3691 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3693 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3694 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3695 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3697 "What's he wanted for?"
3700 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3701 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3702 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3703 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3704 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3705 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3706 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3707 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3708 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3711 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3712 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3713 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3714 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3715 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3716 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3717 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3718 right straight toward us.
3719 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3720 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3721 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3722 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3723 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3724 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3725 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3726 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3727 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3728 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3729 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3731 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3732 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3733 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3734 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3735 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3736 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3737 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3738 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3739 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3740 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3741 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3742 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3743 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3744 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3745 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3746 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3747 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3748 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3749 This is the Minneapple.
3751 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3752 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3753 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3755 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3756 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3757 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3758 harmony in the world.
3759 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3761 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3763 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3764 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3765 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3766 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3767 farmers in America."
3768 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3770 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3771 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3772 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3773 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3774 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3775 Machineries of Joy?"
3776 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3777 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3779 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3781 Bottle 750 milliliters
3782 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3784 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3785 Methuselah 8 bottles
3786 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3787 Balthazar 16 bottles
3788 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3789 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3791 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3792 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3793 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3794 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3796 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3797 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3799 "What is your name?"
3800 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3801 "What is your quest?"
3802 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3803 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3804 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3805 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3807 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3808 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3809 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3810 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3811 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3812 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3813 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3814 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3815 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3816 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3817 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3818 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3819 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3820 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3821 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3822 broke and rolled back.
3823 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3825 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3826 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3827 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3828 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3829 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3830 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3831 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3833 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3835 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3836 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3837 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3838 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3839 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3841 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3843 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3844 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3845 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3847 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3848 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3849 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3850 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3851 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3852 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3853 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3854 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3855 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3856 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3857 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3859 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3860 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3861 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3862 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3863 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3864 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3865 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3866 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3867 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3868 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3869 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3870 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3871 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3872 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3873 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3874 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3875 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3877 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3878 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3879 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3880 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3881 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3882 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3883 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3884 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3885 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3886 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3888 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3889 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3890 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3891 got a sense of humor?"
3892 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3894 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3895 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3896 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3897 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3898 but not much good in a fight."
3900 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3901 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3902 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3903 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3904 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3905 sees nothing but goyim..."
3906 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3907 you got problems. What about my son?"
3909 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3910 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3911 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3913 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3916 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3918 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3919 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3921 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3922 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3923 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3924 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3925 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3927 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3928 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3930 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3932 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3934 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3935 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3937 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3938 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3939 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3940 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3941 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3943 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3944 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3946 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3948 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3950 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3951 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3953 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3954 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3955 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3956 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3957 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3958 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3959 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3961 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3962 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3964 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3965 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3967 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3968 innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force.
3969 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3970 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3971 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3972 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3974 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3975 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3976 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3977 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3978 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3979 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3980 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3981 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3982 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3984 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3985 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3986 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3987 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3989 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3991 On the good ship Enterprise
3992 Every week there's a new surprise
3993 Where the Romulans lurk
3994 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3996 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3997 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3999 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
4001 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
4002 Mr. Spock is at his side.
4003 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
4004 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
4006 It's the good ship Enterprise
4007 Heading out where danger lies
4008 And you live in dread
4009 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
4010 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
4012 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4013 the subject of towels.
4014 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
4015 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
4016 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
4017 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
4018 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
4019 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
4020 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
4021 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
4023 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4025 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
4026 the subject of towels.
4027 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
4028 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
4029 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
4030 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
4031 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
4032 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
4033 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
4034 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4036 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
4037 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
4038 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
4039 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
4040 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
4041 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
4042 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
4043 "That's two," he said.
4044 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
4045 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
4046 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
4047 shot the horse between the eyes.
4048 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
4049 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
4050 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
4052 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
4054 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
4055 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
4056 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
4057 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
4058 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
4061 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
4062 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
4063 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
4066 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
4067 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
4068 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
4070 Here is a sample program:
4071 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
4072 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
4073 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
4074 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
4076 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
4078 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
4080 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
4084 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
4086 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
4088 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
4090 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
4091 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
4092 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
4094 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
4095 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
4096 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
4099 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
4100 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
4101 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
4103 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
4104 you find the time to try it again?"
4106 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
4107 a position of negative need.
4108 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
4109 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
4111 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
4112 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
4113 prestige of His identity.
4114 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
4115 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
4116 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
4117 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
4118 into a pleasurific mood state.
4119 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
4120 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
4121 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
4122 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
4123 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
4124 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
4125 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
4126 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
4129 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
4130 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
4131 master's office while the master waited in silence.
4132 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
4133 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
4134 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
4135 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
4137 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
4139 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
4140 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
4142 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
4143 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
4145 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
4146 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
4147 you know where it might be?"
4148 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
4149 in the data center."
4150 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4152 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
4153 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
4155 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
4156 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
4157 right! Can I have a dollar?"
4159 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
4160 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
4161 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
4162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4164 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
4165 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
4167 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
4168 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
4170 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
4171 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
4172 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
4173 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
4175 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
4176 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
4177 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
4179 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
4180 logically experienced citizens."
4182 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
4183 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
4184 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
4186 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
4187 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
4189 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
4190 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
4192 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
4193 Alice corrected herself.
4194 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
4195 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
4196 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
4197 time completely bewildered.
4198 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
4199 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
4200 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4202 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
4203 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
4204 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
4205 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
4206 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
4207 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
4209 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
4210 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
4211 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
4212 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
4213 apparatus for a spectator sport.
4215 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
4216 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
4217 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4219 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
4220 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
4221 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
4222 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
4223 out on the water, round. Usurper.
4224 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
4226 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
4228 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
4229 problems in order to get results
4230 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
4231 toy problems in order to get results.
4233 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
4234 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
4235 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
4236 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
4237 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
4238 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
4239 The answer exists only in the Tao.
4240 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4242 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
4243 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
4244 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
4245 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
4246 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
4247 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
4248 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
4249 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
4250 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
4251 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
4252 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
4253 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
4254 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
4255 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
4256 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
4258 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
4260 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
4262 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
4263 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
4265 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
4266 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4268 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
4269 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
4271 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
4272 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
4273 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
4274 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
4275 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
4276 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
4277 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
4279 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
4280 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
4281 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
4282 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
4284 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
4286 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
4287 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
4288 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
4290 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
4291 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
4293 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4297 The wombat lives across the seas,
4298 Among the far Antipodes.
4299 He may exist on nuts and berries,
4300 Or then again, on missionaries;
4301 His distant habitat precludes
4302 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
4303 But I would not engage the wombat
4304 In any form of mortal combat.
4306 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
4307 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
4308 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
4309 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
4310 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
4311 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
4312 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
4313 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
4314 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
4315 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
4316 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
4317 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
4318 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
4319 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
4320 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
4325 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
4326 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
4328 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
4329 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
4331 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
4332 Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
4334 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
4335 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
4337 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
4338 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
4341 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
4342 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
4343 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
4344 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
4345 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
4346 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
4347 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
4348 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
4349 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
4350 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
4351 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
4352 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
4353 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
4355 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
4356 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
4357 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
4359 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
4360 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
4361 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
4362 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
4363 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
4367 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
4368 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
4369 hard, to keep from falling.
4370 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
4371 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
4373 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
4374 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
4375 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
4376 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
4379 Into love and out again,
4380 Thus I went and thus I go.
4381 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
4382 Well and bitterly I know
4383 All the songs were ever sung,
4384 All the words were ever said;
4385 Could it be, when I was young,
4386 Someone dropped me on my head?
4389 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4390 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4391 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4392 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4393 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4395 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4396 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___
\b\b\byou
4397 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4398 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4399 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4400 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4401 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4402 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4404 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4405 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4406 that people cannot think.
4407 -- Richard W. Hamming
4409 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4410 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4411 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4412 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4413 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4414 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4415 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4416 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4417 but nothing was to be found.
4418 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4419 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4420 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4421 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4422 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4423 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4424 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4425 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4427 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4428 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4429 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4430 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4431 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4432 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4433 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4435 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4436 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4437 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4438 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4439 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4441 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4442 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4443 a man who answered one door.
4444 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4446 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4447 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4448 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4449 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4451 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4452 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4453 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4454 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4455 they're carrying upstairs!"
4457 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4458 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4459 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4461 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4462 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4463 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4465 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4466 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4467 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4468 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4469 solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
4470 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4471 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4472 Proof: assume the opposite...
4474 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4475 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4476 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4477 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4478 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4479 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4481 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4482 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4483 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4484 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4485 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4486 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4487 is easier to design."
4488 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4489 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4490 The programmer made no reply.
4491 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4493 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4494 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4495 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4496 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4497 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4498 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4499 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4500 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4501 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4502 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4503 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4504 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4505 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4506 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4508 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4509 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4510 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4511 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4512 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4513 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4514 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4515 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4516 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4517 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4518 things was itself the doing of them.
4519 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4520 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4521 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4522 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4523 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4524 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4525 spread only for demons or for gods."
4526 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4528 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4529 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4530 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4531 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4532 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4533 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4534 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4535 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4536 country. We're completely computerized.
4537 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4538 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4539 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4540 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4541 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4542 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4543 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4544 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4545 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4546 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4547 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4548 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4549 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4551 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4552 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4553 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4554 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4555 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4556 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4557 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4558 making anything out of all the hard work.
4559 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4560 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4561 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4562 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4563 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4565 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4566 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4568 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4569 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4570 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4571 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4572 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4573 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4574 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4575 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4576 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4577 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4578 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4579 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4580 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4581 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4582 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4584 To A Quick Young Fox
4585 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4586 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4587 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4588 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4591 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4592 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4593 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4594 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4595 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4596 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4597 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4598 pint of ice cream nearby.
4599 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4601 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4603 The other saw stars.
4605 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4606 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4609 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4610 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4611 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4612 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4613 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4614 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4615 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4616 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4617 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4618 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4619 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4620 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4621 was Carmen or Cohen.
4622 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4623 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4624 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4626 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4627 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4628 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4629 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4630 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4631 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4632 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4633 soggy potato chips."
4634 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4635 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4636 "but I thought it made good copy."
4637 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4639 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4640 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4643 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4644 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4645 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4647 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4648 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4649 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4651 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4653 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4655 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4657 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4658 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4659 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4660 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4661 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4662 by law, up to and including nothing.
4663 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4664 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4665 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4666 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4667 attack shark at which point we relented.
4668 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4670 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4671 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4672 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4673 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4675 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4676 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4677 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4678 -- William Burroughs
4680 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4682 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4683 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4684 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4685 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4686 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4687 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4688 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4689 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4690 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4691 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4692 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4693 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4695 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4696 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4697 psycho-prompter couch?"
4699 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4700 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4701 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4703 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4704 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4705 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4706 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4707 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4708 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4710 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4711 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4712 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4714 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4718 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4719 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4720 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4721 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4722 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4723 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4724 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4725 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4726 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4727 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4728 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4729 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4730 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4731 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4732 Time passed, unheeded.
4733 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4734 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4737 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4738 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4739 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4740 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4742 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4743 let him lie there all night."
4744 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4745 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4746 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4747 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4748 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4749 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4750 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4751 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4752 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4753 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4754 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4755 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4756 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4758 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4759 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4760 maim or kill innocent little children."
4761 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4762 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4765 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4767 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4768 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4769 "It means the Thing to Do."
4770 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4772 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4773 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4774 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4775 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4776 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4777 is mightier than you."
4778 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4779 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4780 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4781 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4782 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4783 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4784 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4785 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4786 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4787 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4788 tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4789 don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4791 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4792 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4793 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4794 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4796 The New Yorker's comment:
4797 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4799 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4800 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4801 "No, we just don't like him."
4802 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4803 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4804 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4805 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4807 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4808 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4809 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4810 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4813 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4814 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4815 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4816 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4817 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4818 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4819 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4820 they're not selling."
4821 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4822 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4824 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4825 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4826 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4827 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4828 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4829 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4831 "What are you doing?"
4832 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4833 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4836 "What are you watching?"
4838 "Well, what's happening?"
4839 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4841 "Why are you watching it?"
4842 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4846 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4848 "You keep it to yourself."
4851 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4853 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4855 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4856 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4857 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4858 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4859 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4860 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4861 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4862 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4863 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4864 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4865 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4866 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4867 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4868 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4870 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4871 didn't believe in God".
4872 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4873 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4874 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4877 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4878 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4879 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4880 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4882 "What's that thing?"
4883 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4884 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4885 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4886 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
4888 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4889 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4890 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4892 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4893 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4894 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4895 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4896 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4897 moved farther to the left."
4898 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4900 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4901 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4902 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4904 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4905 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4906 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4907 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4909 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4910 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4912 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4913 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4914 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4915 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4916 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4918 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4919 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4920 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4921 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4922 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4923 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4924 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4925 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4926 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4927 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4929 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4931 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4932 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4933 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4934 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4936 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4938 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4939 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4940 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4941 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4942 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4943 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4944 then. We're trying to catch her."
4945 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4946 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4947 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4949 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4950 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4951 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4954 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4955 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4956 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4958 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4959 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4960 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4961 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4962 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4963 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4964 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4965 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4966 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4967 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4968 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4969 why the sea is salt."
4970 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4971 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4973 Why are you doing this to me?
4974 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4976 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4978 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4979 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4980 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4981 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4984 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4985 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4986 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4987 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4988 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4989 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4990 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4991 "Okay. It's your wife."
4995 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4996 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
5003 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
5004 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
5006 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
5007 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
5008 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
5009 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
5010 Chips, as well as after Chips?
5012 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
5013 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
5014 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
5015 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
5016 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
5017 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
5018 long, and two mouses wide."
5019 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
5021 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
5025 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
5026 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
5027 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
5028 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
5029 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
5030 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
5031 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
5032 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
5034 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
5035 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
5036 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
5037 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
5038 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
5040 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
5041 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
5042 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
5044 "Why, what did she tell you?"
5045 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
5046 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5048 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
5049 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
5050 fit to hear his view of things?"
5051 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
5052 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
5053 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
5054 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
5055 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
5056 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
5057 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
5059 "You say there are two types of people?"
5060 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
5062 "Wrong. There are three groups:
5063 Those who separate people into three groups.
5064 Those who don't separate people into groups.
5065 Those who can't decide."
5066 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
5068 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
5069 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
5071 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
5072 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
5075 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
5076 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
5077 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
5078 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
5079 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
5080 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
5081 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
5082 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
5083 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
5084 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
5085 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
5086 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
5087 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
5088 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
5090 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
5091 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
5092 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
5093 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
5094 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
5095 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
5096 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
5097 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
5098 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
5099 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
5100 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
5101 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
5102 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
5103 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
5104 cats on the dinette table, etc.
5105 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5107 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
5108 "We wound barbed wire around them."
5110 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
5112 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
5113 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
5114 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
5115 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
5116 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
5117 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
5118 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
5120 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
5121 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
5122 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
5123 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
5124 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
5125 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
5127 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
5128 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
5141 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
5142 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
5143 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
5144 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
5145 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
5150 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
5151 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
5152 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
5153 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
5159 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
5161 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
5162 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
5164 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
5166 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
5167 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
5168 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
5169 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
5170 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
5172 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
5184 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
5185 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
5186 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
5187 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
5188 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
5189 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
5190 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
5191 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
5192 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
5199 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
5203 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
5205 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
5206 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
5207 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
5208 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
5209 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
5210 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
5211 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
5213 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
5215 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
5216 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
5217 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
5218 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
5219 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
5221 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
5223 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
5224 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
5225 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
5226 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
5227 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
5229 -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
5231 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5233 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
5234 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
5235 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
5236 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
5237 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
5240 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5242 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
5244 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
5245 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
5246 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
5247 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
5248 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
5251 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5253 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
5254 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
5255 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
5256 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
5258 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
5259 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
5260 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
5263 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
5264 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
5265 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
5267 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
5268 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
5270 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5272 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
5274 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
5275 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
5276 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
5277 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
5279 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
5281 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
5282 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
5283 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
5284 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
5285 it cold boots the machine so often.
5287 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5289 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
5290 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
5291 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
5292 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
5293 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
5295 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
5300 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
5301 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
5302 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
5303 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
5304 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
5306 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5308 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
5310 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
5311 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
5312 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
5313 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
5314 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
5315 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
5316 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
5317 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
5318 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
5319 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
5321 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5323 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
5324 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
5325 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
5326 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
5327 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
5328 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
5329 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
5330 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
5331 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
5332 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
5333 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
5335 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
5337 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
5338 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
5342 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5344 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
5346 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
5349 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
5351 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
5353 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
5355 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
5357 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
5358 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
5359 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
5360 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
5361 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
5363 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
5365 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
5366 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
5367 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
5368 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
5369 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
5370 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
5371 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
5372 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
5375 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
5377 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
5378 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
5379 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
5380 second per second takes over.
5381 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
5382 intervenes suddenly.
5383 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
5384 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
5385 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
5386 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
5388 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
5389 conforming to its perimeter.
5390 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
5391 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
5392 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
5393 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
5394 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
5395 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5397 " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
5398 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
5399 -- Winston Churchill
5401 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
5402 2. The Nutcracker Swede
5403 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
5405 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
5406 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5409 9. Santa's Magic Lap
5410 10. Hot Buttered Elves
5411 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
5414 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
5415 have turned into a pile of dust.
5417 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
5418 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
5421 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5422 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5423 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5424 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5425 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5426 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5427 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5429 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5430 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5431 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5432 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5433 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5434 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5435 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5436 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5437 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
5438 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5440 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5442 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5443 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5444 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5445 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5446 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5447 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5449 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5450 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
5451 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5454 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5455 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5456 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5457 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5458 never when standing.
5460 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5461 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5462 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5463 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5464 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5465 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5466 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5467 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5468 astray by hunting and pecking.
5469 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5470 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5472 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5474 "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
5476 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
5479 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5480 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5481 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5482 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5483 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5484 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5485 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5486 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5487 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5488 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5489 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5490 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5492 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5493 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5494 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5495 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5496 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5497 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5498 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5499 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5500 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5501 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5503 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5504 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5505 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5506 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5507 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5508 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5509 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5510 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5511 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5513 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5516 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5517 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5518 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5519 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5520 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5521 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5522 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5523 other's private parts.
5524 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5526 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5527 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5531 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___
\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this
5532 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5535 ... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
5536 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5537 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5538 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5539 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5540 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5542 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
5544 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5546 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5547 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5548 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5549 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5550 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5551 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5552 knows them in the naming.
5553 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5555 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5556 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5557 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5564 " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
5565 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
5569 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5570 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5571 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5572 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5575 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5576 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5577 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5578 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5580 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
5583 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5585 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5586 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5587 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5588 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5589 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5590 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5591 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5592 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5593 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5594 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5595 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5596 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5597 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5599 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5600 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5601 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5602 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5604 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5606 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5607 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5608 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5611 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5612 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5613 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5615 : is not an identifier
5617 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5618 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5619 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5620 superficial design flaws.
5621 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5622 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5624 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5625 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5626 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5627 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5630 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5631 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5634 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5635 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5638 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5639 legally ... impeccable!
5641 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5642 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5643 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5644 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5645 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5646 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5647 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5648 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5649 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
5650 of a lucrative nature.
5651 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5652 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5654 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5656 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5657 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5658 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5659 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5660 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5661 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5662 optimal cachinnation.
5663 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5664 escallation of a lucrative nature.
5665 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5666 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5671 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5672 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5673 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5675 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5676 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5679 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5680 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5681 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5682 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5683 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5684 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5685 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5686 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5687 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5688 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5689 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5690 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5691 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5692 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5694 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5696 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5697 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5698 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5699 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5700 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5701 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5702 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5704 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5705 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5709 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5710 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5711 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5712 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5713 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5714 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5715 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5717 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5718 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5719 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5720 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5721 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5723 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5724 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5725 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5726 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5727 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5729 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5730 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5731 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5732 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5733 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5734 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5736 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5737 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5738 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5739 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5740 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5742 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5743 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5744 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5745 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5746 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5747 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5748 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5749 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5750 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5751 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5752 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5753 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5754 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5755 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5756 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5758 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5760 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5761 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5762 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5763 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5764 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5765 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5766 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5767 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5768 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5769 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5770 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5771 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5772 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5773 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5774 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5775 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5777 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5782 Norman, knock loudly,
5787 "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
5790 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
5792 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5793 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5794 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5797 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5798 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5799 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5800 materials, there is conflagration.
5801 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5802 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5803 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5804 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5805 optimal cachinnation.
5806 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5808 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5809 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5810 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5811 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5812 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5814 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5815 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5816 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5817 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5819 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5821 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5822 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5823 -- The Firesign Theater
5825 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5826 from beginning to end.
5827 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5830 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5832 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5834 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5835 entrances; others cannot.
5836 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5837 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5838 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5839 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5840 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5842 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5843 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5844 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5845 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5846 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5847 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5848 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5849 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5850 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5851 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5852 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5853 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5854 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5858 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5859 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5860 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5861 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5862 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5863 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5864 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5865 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5866 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5867 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5869 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5870 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5872 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5873 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5876 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5877 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5878 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5879 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5880 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5881 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5882 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5883 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5884 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5885 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5886 barely able to walk.
5887 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5888 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5889 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5890 "The good news first!"
5891 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5892 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5893 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5894 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5897 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5899 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5900 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5901 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5903 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5904 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5906 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5907 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5908 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5909 Wash the windows once a week.
5910 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5911 coal for the day's business.
5912 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5914 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5915 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5916 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5917 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5918 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5921 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5923 1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
5924 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5925 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5926 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5927 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5928 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5929 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5930 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5931 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5932 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5933 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5935 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5936 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5937 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5938 [4] Four is an even number.
5939 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5940 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5941 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5943 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5944 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5945 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5946 [4] Four is an even number.
5947 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5948 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5949 Therefore, all horses are black.
5951 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5952 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5953 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5954 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5955 the social ramble ain't restful.
5956 5. Avoid running at all times.
5957 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5958 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5960 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5961 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5963 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5964 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5965 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5966 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5967 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5968 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5969 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5970 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5971 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5972 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5973 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5974 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5975 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5976 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5977 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5978 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5979 to 1 meter per second
5980 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5981 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5982 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5983 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5984 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5985 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5986 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5987 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5988 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5992 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5993 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5994 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5995 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5997 1: No code table for op: ++post
6000 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
6001 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
6002 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
6003 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
6004 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
6005 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
6006 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
6008 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
6009 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
6010 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
6011 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6012 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
6013 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
6014 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
6015 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
6016 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
6017 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
6019 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
6021 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
6023 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
6024 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
6025 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
6026 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
6027 other beers on the side.
6028 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
6030 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
6031 folk music on yer fave radio station.
6032 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
6033 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
6035 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
6036 enormous can of vegetable juice.
6037 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
6039 100 buckets of bits on the bus
6041 Take one down, short it to ground
6042 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6044 FF buckets of bits on the bus
6046 Take one down, short it to ground
6047 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
6051 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
6052 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
6053 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
6055 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
6056 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
6057 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6059 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
6061 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
6062 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
6066 (5) Self-piercing earrings
6069 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
6073 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
6079 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
6082 1/2 oz. orange juice
6085 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
6086 Long Island Iced Tea
6090 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
6092 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
6093 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
6094 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
6095 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
6096 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
6097 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
6099 Nine in the second place means:
6100 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
6102 Six in the third place means:
6103 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
6104 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
6106 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
6109 17th Rule of Friendship:
6111 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
6112 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
6114 -- Esquire, May 1977
6116 186,000 miles per second:
6117 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
6119 1893 The ideal brain tonic
6120 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
6122 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
6123 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
6124 1906 The drink of QUALITY
6125 1907 Good to the last drop
6126 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
6127 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
6128 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
6129 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
6130 1919 It satisfies thirst
6131 1919 The taste is the test
6132 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
6133 1922 Thirst knows no season
6134 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
6135 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6137 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
6138 1929 The high sign of refreshment
6139 1929 The pause that refreshes
6140 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
6141 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
6142 1935 The pause that brings friends together
6143 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
6144 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
6145 1939 Thirst stops here
6146 1942 It's the real thing
6148 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
6149 1963 Things go better with Coke
6150 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
6151 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
6153 -- Coca-Cola slogans
6155 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
6157 2nd graffitiest: Why?
6159 2180, U.S. History question:
6160 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
6161 office did he later hold?
6163 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
6164 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
6165 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
6167 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
6172 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
6174 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
6175 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
6176 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
6177 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
6178 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
6180 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
6182 3rd Law of Computing:
6183 Anything that can go wr
6184 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
6186 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
6188 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
6190 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
6191 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
6192 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
6193 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
6194 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
6195 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
6196 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
6197 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
6198 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
6200 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
6201 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
6202 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
6203 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
6204 and other good books.
6205 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
6206 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
6207 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
6208 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
6209 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
6210 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
6211 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
6212 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
6213 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
6214 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
6216 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
6224 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6225 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
6228 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
6229 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
6230 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
6232 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
6233 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
6235 94% of the women in America are beautiful
6236 and the rest hang out around here.
6238 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
6240 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6241 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
6243 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
6245 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
6246 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
6248 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
6251 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
6252 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
6254 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
6257 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
6259 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
6260 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
6263 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
6265 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
6269 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
6270 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
6272 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
6273 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
6276 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
6277 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
6280 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
6283 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
6286 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
6288 A beginning is the time for taking the
6289 most delicate care that balances are correct.
6290 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
6292 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
6293 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
6295 A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
6296 adds up to be real money.
6297 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
6299 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
6300 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
6301 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
6302 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
6304 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
6305 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
6306 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
6308 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
6309 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
6310 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
6311 there's one white zebra."
6312 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
6314 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
6316 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
6318 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
6321 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
6323 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
6329 A black cat crossing your path signifies
6330 that the animal is going somewhere.
6333 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
6334 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
6335 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
6336 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
6337 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
6338 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
6339 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
6340 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
6341 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
6342 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
6343 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
6344 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
6345 resource centers along the roads.
6346 -- The Underground Grammarian
6348 A bore is a man who talks so much about
6349 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
6351 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
6352 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
6354 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
6356 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
6357 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
6360 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
6361 of turning around three times before lying down.
6364 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
6367 A budget is just a method of worrying
6368 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
6370 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
6372 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
6374 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
6375 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
6376 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
6377 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
6378 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
6379 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
6380 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
6381 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
6382 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
6383 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
6384 pole in a complex plane."
6386 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
6387 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
6388 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
6389 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
6390 -- Robert W. Service
6392 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
6393 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
6395 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
6398 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
6399 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
6401 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
6402 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
6403 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
6404 examine him about his recent diet.
6405 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
6407 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
6408 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
6409 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
6410 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
6411 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
6412 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
6413 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
6415 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
6417 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
6418 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
6419 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
6420 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
6421 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
6422 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
6423 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
6425 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
6426 does not prove anything.
6427 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
6429 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
6431 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
6432 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
6434 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
6435 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
6436 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
6437 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
6438 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
6439 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
6440 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
6441 string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
6444 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
6445 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
6446 who passed it on to theirs.
6448 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
6449 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
6450 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
6451 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
6452 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
6453 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
6454 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
6455 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
6456 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
6457 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
6458 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
6459 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
6460 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
6461 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
6463 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
6464 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
6465 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
6467 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
6468 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
6470 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
6472 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6475 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6477 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6478 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6479 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6482 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6484 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
6485 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
6488 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6489 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6491 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6492 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6494 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6495 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6498 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6501 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6503 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
6504 and nobody wants to read.
6505 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
6507 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6509 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6511 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6512 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6513 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6514 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6515 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6517 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6519 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6520 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6521 valuable scientific objectivity.
6523 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6524 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6525 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6527 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6528 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6530 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6532 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6533 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6534 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6535 disability you may have experienced.
6537 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6538 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6539 explained in terms that you would understand.
6541 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6542 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6543 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6545 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6547 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6548 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6549 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6551 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6552 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6554 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6555 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6556 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6557 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6559 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6560 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6562 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6563 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6564 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6565 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6567 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6570 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6571 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6573 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6574 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6577 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6580 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6582 A complex system that works is invariably
6583 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6585 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6588 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6591 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6592 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6595 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6596 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6597 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6598 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6600 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6601 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6602 Computer: George Washington.
6603 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6604 Where is my father?"
6605 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6606 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6608 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6609 landed a twelve pound bass.
6611 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6612 the computer science student has run in to.
6614 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6615 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6616 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6617 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6618 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6619 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6620 get the pointer value from there?
6621 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6622 make it point to the previous item.
6623 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6624 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6626 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6628 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6630 A computer science student on an exam:
6632 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6633 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6634 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6637 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6639 A computer, to print out a fact,
6640 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6641 But this output can be
6642 No more than debris,
6643 If the input was short of exact.
6646 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6647 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6649 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6651 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6652 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6655 A CONS is an object which cares.
6656 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6658 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6661 A conservative is a man
6662 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6665 A conservative is a man
6666 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6667 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6669 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6670 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6672 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6675 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6676 damned things is ample.
6679 A couch is as good as a chair.
6681 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6684 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6685 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6686 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6687 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6688 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6689 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6690 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6691 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6692 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6694 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6695 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6696 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6697 there, he don't have one!"
6699 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6700 money is always there but the pockets change;
6701 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6702 and that is all there is to say about money.
6705 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6706 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6707 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6708 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6709 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6710 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6711 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6712 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6713 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6714 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6715 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6716 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6717 this central section.
6718 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6719 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6720 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6721 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6723 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6726 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6727 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6728 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6730 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
6731 And had an affair with a Saracen.
6732 She was not oversexed,
6733 Or jealous or vexed,
6734 She just wanted to make a comparison.
6736 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6739 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6741 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6743 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6745 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6747 A day without sunshine is like night.
6749 A dead man cannot bite.
6750 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6752 A debugged program is one for which you have
6753 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6756 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6757 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6758 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6759 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6760 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6761 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6762 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6764 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6765 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6767 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6768 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6770 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6771 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6774 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6775 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6776 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6778 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6781 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
6782 you will look forward to the trip.
6784 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6785 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6787 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6790 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6791 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6793 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6794 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6795 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6797 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6799 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6800 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6801 that you only have six weeks to live."
6802 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6804 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6807 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6808 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6809 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6810 courtesy," he explained.
6812 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6815 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6819 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6822 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6823 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6824 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6825 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6827 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6830 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6832 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6835 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6836 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6838 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6840 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6841 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6842 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6843 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6844 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6845 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6846 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6848 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6849 -- Winston Churchill
6851 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6853 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6854 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6855 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6856 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6857 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6858 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6859 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6860 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6861 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6862 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6863 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6864 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6865 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6867 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6868 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6871 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6872 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6873 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6874 should be masculine or feminine.
6875 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6876 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6877 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6878 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6879 went on their way rather quickly.
6880 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6881 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6882 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6884 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6886 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6887 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6888 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6891 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6892 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6894 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6896 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6898 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6899 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6900 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6901 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6902 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6903 drowned in the lake!"
6904 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6905 more chain than he can swim with?"
6907 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6908 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6909 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6910 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6911 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6912 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6915 (Or scatters scats);
6916 A potting shed's for potting;
6919 Or caught an otter otting.
6922 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6924 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6925 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6927 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6929 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6931 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6933 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6934 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6936 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6938 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6939 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6941 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6942 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6944 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6945 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6946 -- George Bernard Shaw
6948 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6951 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6953 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6956 "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6957 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
6958 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6960 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6963 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6966 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6968 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6969 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6971 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6972 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6975 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6976 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6978 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6980 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6983 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6985 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6988 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6990 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6991 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6992 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6993 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6996 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6997 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6999 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
7000 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
7001 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
7002 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
7003 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
7006 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
7007 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
7008 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
7009 electrical shock to the horse.
7010 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
7011 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
7012 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
7013 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
7014 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
7015 I decide what to do. Physicist?
7017 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
7019 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
7021 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
7023 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
7025 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
7027 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
7030 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
7032 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
7033 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
7034 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bthat _
\b_
\b_
\bhad _
\b_
\bto _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bmean _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bsomething*.
7035 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
7037 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
7038 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
7040 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
7043 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
7044 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
7046 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
7047 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
7049 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
7050 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
7051 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
7052 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
7056 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
7057 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
7058 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
7059 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
7060 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
7061 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
7064 A good man always knows his limitations.
7067 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
7068 -- Michel de Montaigne
7070 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
7072 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
7073 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
7076 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
7079 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
7083 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
7084 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
7085 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
7088 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
7091 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
7093 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
7095 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
7096 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
7097 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
7098 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
7100 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
7101 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
7102 "That's dynamite, baby."
7103 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
7105 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
7106 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
7110 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
7111 the table after you eat.
7113 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
7116 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
7117 to take it all away.
7120 A grammarian's life is always intense.
7122 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
7125 A great many people think they are thinking
7126 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
7129 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
7132 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
7133 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
7134 grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
7135 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
7136 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
7137 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
7138 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
7139 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
7140 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
7141 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
7142 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
7143 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
7144 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
7145 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
7147 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
7148 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
7149 not going to church on Sunday.
7152 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
7155 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
7156 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
7158 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
7161 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
7162 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
7163 Brings good fortune.
7165 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
7167 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
7169 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
7171 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
7172 weight in other people's patience.
7175 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
7177 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
7178 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
7179 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
7184 A Hen Brooding Kittens
7185 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
7186 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
7187 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
7188 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
7189 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
7190 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
7191 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
7192 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
7194 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
7196 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
7197 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
7200 A holding company is a thing where you hand
7201 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
7203 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
7204 "Hello?" his friend answers.
7205 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
7206 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
7207 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
7208 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
7209 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
7210 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
7211 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
7213 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
7215 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
7216 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
7217 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
7219 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
7221 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
7222 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
7224 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
7226 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
7227 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
7228 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
7230 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
7233 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
7236 A hypothetical paradox:
7237 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
7238 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
7239 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
7242 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
7243 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
7244 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
7245 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
7246 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
7247 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
7248 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
7249 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
7250 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
7251 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
7252 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
7253 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
7254 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
7255 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
7260 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
7261 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
7262 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
7263 D is for dd, the command that does all.
7264 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
7265 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
7266 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
7267 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
7268 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
7269 J is for join, which nobody uses.
7270 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
7271 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
7272 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
7273 N is for nice, which it really is not.
7274 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
7275 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
7276 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
7277 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
7278 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
7279 T is for true, which does very little.
7280 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
7281 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
7282 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
7283 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
7284 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
7285 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
7286 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
7288 A joint is just tea for two.
7290 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
7292 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
7295 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
7298 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
7300 Simply handed in through the window.
7301 There is certainly no blame in this.
7303 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
7306 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
7307 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
7309 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
7311 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
7312 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
7314 A king's castle is his home.
7316 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
7317 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
7318 words are superfluous.
7320 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
7322 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
7325 A lady with one of her ears applied
7326 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
7327 Two female gossips in converse free --
7328 The subject engaging them was she.
7329 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
7330 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
7331 As soon as no more of it she could hear
7332 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
7333 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
7334 "To hear my character lied about!"
7337 A language that doesn't affect the way you
7338 think about programming is not worth knowing.
7341 A language that doesn't have everything is
7342 actually easier to program in than some that do.
7343 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
7345 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
7346 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
7347 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
7348 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
7349 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
7350 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
7351 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
7352 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
7353 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
7354 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
7355 this here corn liquor?"
7356 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
7357 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
7358 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
7359 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
7360 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
7361 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
7362 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
7363 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
7366 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
7367 That is, they work by being declared to work.
7370 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
7371 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
7372 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
7373 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
7374 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
7375 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
7376 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
7377 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
7378 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
7379 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
7380 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
7381 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
7383 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
7384 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
7386 A Law of Computer Programming:
7387 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
7388 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
7390 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
7393 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
7396 A lie in time saves nine.
7398 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
7402 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
7404 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
7406 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
7407 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
7409 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
7412 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
7413 Into space that is quite economical.
7414 But the good ones I've seen
7415 So seldom are clean,
7416 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
7418 A LISP programmer knows the value of
7419 everything, but the cost of nothing.
7422 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
7425 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
7427 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
7430 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
7431 -- H. H. Munro, "Saki"
7433 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
7434 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
7435 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
7436 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
7437 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
7439 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
7440 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
7441 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
7442 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
7443 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
7444 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
7447 A little word of doubtful number,
7448 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
7449 If you add an "s" to this,
7450 Great is the metamorphosis.
7451 Plural is plural now no more,
7452 And sweet what bitter was before.
7455 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
7457 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
7459 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
7460 Buy the negatives at any price.
7462 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
7464 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
7467 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
7468 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
7471 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
7474 A major, with wonderful force,
7475 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
7476 All the flowers looked round,
7477 But no horse could be found;
7478 So he just rhododendron, of course.
7480 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
7483 A man always needs to remember one thing about
7484 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
7486 A man always remembers his first love with special
7487 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
7490 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
7491 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
7492 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
7493 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
7495 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
7496 on the side to make it interesting?"
7498 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
7502 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
7503 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
7506 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
7509 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
7510 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
7511 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
7513 A deep majestic voice answered,
7514 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
7515 "Help me!!" cried the man.
7516 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
7517 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
7518 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
7519 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
7521 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
7525 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
7526 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
7528 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
7529 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
7530 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
7531 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
7533 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
7534 "Nah," says the man.
7535 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
7536 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
7537 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
7540 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
7541 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
7543 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
7546 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
7547 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
7548 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
7550 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
7551 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
7552 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
7553 "They're only four dollars apiece."
7555 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
7556 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
7557 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
7558 and he heads off into the distance.
7559 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
7560 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
7561 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
7562 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
7563 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
7564 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
7566 A man is known by the company he organizes.
7569 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
7570 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
7573 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
7576 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
7577 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
7578 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
7579 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
7580 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
7581 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
7582 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
7584 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
7585 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
7586 attacked and killed her."
7587 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
7588 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
7589 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
7591 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
7592 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
7593 from around here, are you?"
7594 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
7595 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
7596 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
7597 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
7598 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
7599 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
7600 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
7601 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
7602 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
7603 Martians have that?"
7604 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
7606 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
7607 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
7608 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7610 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7613 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7614 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7616 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7617 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7620 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7621 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7622 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7624 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7626 A man said to the Universe:
7628 "However," replied the Universe,
7629 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7632 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7633 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7634 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7635 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7636 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7638 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7639 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7640 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7641 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7642 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7643 just want to get my saddle back!"
7645 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7646 he is able to answer.
7649 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7651 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7652 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7653 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7654 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7655 wakes up and gives me hell."
7656 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7658 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7659 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7660 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7661 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7662 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7665 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7666 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7667 why did you Di......eeee"
7668 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7669 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7670 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7671 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7672 why....eeeee did you.."
7673 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7674 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7675 "My wife's first husband."
7677 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7678 -- Soren Kierkegaard
7680 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7683 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7684 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7686 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
7687 find a girl willing to listen to him.
7689 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7691 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7693 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7694 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7696 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7698 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7700 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7702 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7703 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7704 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7705 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7706 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7708 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7710 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7712 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7713 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7715 A man's house is his castle.
7718 A man's house is his hassle.
7720 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7721 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7722 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7723 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7724 "What about you: do you see it?"
7725 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7726 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7727 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7728 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7729 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7731 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7732 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7733 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7734 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7736 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7737 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7738 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7740 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7742 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7745 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7747 A meeting is an event at which the
7748 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7750 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7751 but to protect the writer.
7754 A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
7755 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7758 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7759 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7760 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7761 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7762 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7763 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7764 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7765 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7766 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7767 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7768 fall over gently onto their backs.
7769 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7771 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
7773 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7774 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
7775 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
7777 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7778 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
7780 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7781 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7782 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7785 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7786 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
7789 A mighty creature is the germ,
7790 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7791 His customary dwelling place
7792 Is deep within the human race.
7793 His childish pride he often pleases
7794 By giving people strange diseases.
7795 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7796 You probably contain a germ.
7799 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7801 A modem is a baudy house.
7803 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7804 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7807 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7808 many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7812 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7813 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7814 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7815 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7816 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7817 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7818 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7819 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7820 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7821 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7822 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7823 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7826 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7827 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7830 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7832 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7834 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7836 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7838 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7839 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7842 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7843 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7845 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7848 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7850 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7851 will be to us a national blessing.
7852 -- Alexander Hamilton
7854 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7855 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7856 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7857 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7859 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7860 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7861 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7862 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7863 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7864 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7865 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7867 A new dramatist of the absurd
7868 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
7869 I learn from my spies
7870 He's about to devise
7871 An unprintable three-letter word.
7874 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7875 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7876 It is an ice cream koan.
7878 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7879 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7880 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7882 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7883 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7884 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7885 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7886 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7887 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7888 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7889 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7891 A New Way of Taking Pills
7892 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7893 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7894 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7895 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7896 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7898 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7899 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7901 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7902 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7903 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7904 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7905 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7906 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7907 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7908 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7909 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7910 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7911 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7912 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7913 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7917 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7918 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7919 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7920 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7921 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7922 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7923 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7924 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7925 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7928 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7929 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7931 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7934 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7935 passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7938 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7939 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7942 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7945 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7947 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7949 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7950 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7953 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7955 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7956 enlightenment, several years later.
7961 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7962 With thought and sarcasm.
7964 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7966 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7967 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7969 A Parable of Modern Research:
7971 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7972 brightly lit corner.
7973 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7974 "I can only see here."
7976 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7977 -- William S. Burroughs
7979 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7982 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7984 "A penny for your thoughts?"
7985 "A dollar for your death."
7988 A penny saved has not been spent.
7990 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7992 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7994 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7996 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7997 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7998 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7999 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
8000 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
8003 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
8004 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
8005 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
8006 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
8009 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
8011 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
8013 A person who has both feet planted firmly
8014 in the air can be safely called a liberal.
8016 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
8017 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
8019 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
8020 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
8023 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
8026 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
8029 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
8030 gets out and goes into the office.
8031 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
8032 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
8033 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
8035 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
8036 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
8038 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
8039 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
8041 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
8042 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
8043 "we're building a house".
8045 A pig is a jolly companion,
8046 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
8047 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
8048 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
8049 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
8050 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
8051 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
8052 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
8053 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
8054 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
8056 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
8057 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
8059 A place for everything and everything in its place.
8060 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
8062 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
8063 referring to memory management system services.]
8065 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
8068 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
8069 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
8072 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
8074 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
8076 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
8077 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
8078 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
8079 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
8080 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
8081 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
8083 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
8084 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
8085 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
8086 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
8087 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
8089 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
8091 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
8092 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
8095 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
8098 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
8100 "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
8101 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
8103 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
8104 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
8105 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
8108 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
8111 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
8112 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
8113 of yours to press against my heart.
8116 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
8118 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
8119 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
8121 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
8125 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
8127 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
8129 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
8130 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
8131 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
8133 And that is Fate? said the priest.
8135 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
8137 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
8139 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8141 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
8144 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
8145 asks you not to kill him.
8146 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
8148 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
8149 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8151 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
8153 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
8154 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
8155 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
8156 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
8157 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
8158 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
8159 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
8160 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
8161 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
8163 A programming language is low level
8164 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
8166 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
8167 drink with -- even if he drank.
8170 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
8171 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
8172 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
8173 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
8174 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
8175 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
8176 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
8177 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
8178 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
8179 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
8181 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
8182 getting more sex than you are.
8185 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
8186 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
8189 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
8190 your wife asks you for nothing.
8193 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
8194 your wife will give you for free.
8196 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
8197 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
8198 was intended for her preservation.
8201 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
8202 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
8203 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
8204 to make a travesty of the game.
8207 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
8208 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
8209 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
8211 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
8212 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
8213 might be made an Archbishop."
8214 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
8215 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
8216 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
8217 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
8218 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
8219 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
8220 up from being the Pope?"
8221 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
8222 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
8224 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
8225 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
8228 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
8229 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
8232 "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
8234 A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
8236 Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
8237 "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
8238 bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
8239 lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
8240 breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
8241 Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
8242 the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
8243 thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
8244 proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
8245 the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
8246 Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
8248 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
8250 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
8251 his neighbor notice it.
8254 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
8255 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
8256 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
8257 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
8258 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
8259 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
8260 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
8261 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
8262 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
8263 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
8265 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
8266 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
8268 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
8269 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
8271 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
8272 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
8274 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
8275 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
8276 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
8277 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
8279 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
8280 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
8281 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
8284 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
8285 people what to do with their money.
8286 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
8288 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
8291 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
8292 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
8295 A robin redbreast in a cage
8296 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
8299 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
8300 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
8301 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8303 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
8305 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
8307 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
8310 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
8311 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
8312 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
8313 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
8316 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
8317 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
8318 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
8319 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
8320 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
8321 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
8322 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
8323 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
8324 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
8325 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
8326 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
8327 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
8328 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
8329 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
8330 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
8332 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
8333 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
8334 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
8335 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
8336 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
8337 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
8338 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
8339 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
8340 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
8342 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
8343 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
8344 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
8346 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
8348 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
8349 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
8350 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
8352 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
8353 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
8354 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
8357 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
8359 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
8360 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
8361 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
8362 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
8363 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
8364 the vocation must fit the individual.
8365 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
8367 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
8369 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
8370 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
8371 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
8374 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
8375 the vexation of thinking.
8376 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
8378 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
8379 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
8380 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
8381 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
8383 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
8384 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
8386 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
8388 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
8389 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
8393 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
8396 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
8397 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
8398 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
8399 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
8400 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
8401 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
8402 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
8403 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
8404 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
8405 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
8406 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
8407 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
8408 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
8410 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
8411 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
8412 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
8413 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
8414 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
8415 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
8416 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
8417 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
8418 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
8419 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
8420 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
8421 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
8422 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
8424 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
8427 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
8430 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
8431 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
8432 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
8435 I knew the language of the floweret;
8436 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
8437 Love long has taken for his amulet
8440 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
8441 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
8442 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
8444 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
8446 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
8449 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
8451 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
8453 A snake lurks in the grass.
8454 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
8456 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
8457 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
8458 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
8460 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
8461 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
8462 which is on its way out.
8465 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
8468 A soft drink turneth away company.
8470 A song in time is worth a dime.
8472 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
8473 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
8474 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
8475 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
8476 "How are you?" they ask.
8477 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
8478 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
8479 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
8480 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
8481 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
8483 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
8484 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
8485 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
8486 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
8488 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
8489 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
8490 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
8491 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
8493 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
8495 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
8497 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
8500 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
8501 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
8502 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
8503 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
8505 A stitch in time saves nine.
8507 "...A strange enigma is man!"
8508 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
8509 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
8510 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
8511 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
8512 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
8513 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
8515 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
8517 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
8520 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
8524 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
8525 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
8526 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
8527 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
8528 the student with a stick.
8530 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
8532 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
8534 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
8535 undreamed of by its author.
8538 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
8542 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
8543 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
8544 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
8545 new versions of their own innards!
8548 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8549 -- by Charles Dickens
8551 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
8553 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
8556 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
8558 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
8559 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
8561 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
8564 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
8566 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
8567 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
8569 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
8570 -- by Charles Dickens
8572 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
8573 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
8576 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
8577 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski
8579 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
8580 feels guilty and apologizes.
8582 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
8585 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
8587 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
8589 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
8591 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
8592 -- Michael Winner, British film director
8594 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
8595 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
8597 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
8598 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
8601 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
8602 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
8604 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
8607 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
8608 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
8609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8611 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
8612 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
8614 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
8615 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
8616 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
8617 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
8618 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
8619 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
8620 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
8621 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
8622 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
8623 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
8624 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
8625 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
8627 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
8629 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
8630 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
8632 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
8635 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
8636 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
8639 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8641 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8643 A truth that's told with bad intent
8644 Beats all the lies you can invent.
8647 A university is what a college becomes
8648 when the faculty loses interest in students.
8651 "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
8652 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
8654 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
8655 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
8656 She found a good way
8657 To combine work and play:
8658 She sells C shells by the seashore.
8660 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
8661 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
8662 -- Tennessee Williams
8664 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
8667 A very intelligent turtle
8668 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
8669 The system, you see,
8670 Ran as slow as did he,
8671 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
8673 A violent man will die a violent death.
8676 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
8678 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
8680 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
8682 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
8685 A watched clock never boils.
8687 A well adjusted person is one who makes
8688 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
8690 A well-known friend is a treasure.
8692 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
8693 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
8694 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
8695 Software rots if not used.
8697 These are great mysteries.
8698 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
8700 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
8703 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
8704 *for the rest of your life*.
8707 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
8708 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
8710 A wise man can see more from the bottom
8711 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
8713 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
8716 A witty saying proves nothing.
8719 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
8722 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
8723 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
8724 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
8725 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
8726 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
8727 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
8728 near your person at all times.
8729 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
8731 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
8732 were quite a struggle.
8735 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
8737 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
8738 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
8739 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
8741 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
8744 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
8745 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
8748 A woman forgives the audacity of which
8749 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
8752 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
8753 thankful for a good one.
8754 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
8756 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
8760 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
8761 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
8764 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8768 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
8769 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
8770 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
8773 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8774 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8775 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8776 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8778 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8781 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8782 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8783 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8784 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8785 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8786 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8787 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8788 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8790 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8791 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8792 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8794 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8795 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8797 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8799 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8802 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8803 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8805 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8806 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8808 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8810 A word to the wise is enough.
8811 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8813 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8814 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8815 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8816 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8817 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8818 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8819 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8821 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8822 what he writes fiction.
8825 A yawn is a silent shout.
8828 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8830 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8831 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8832 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8834 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8835 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8836 have that!" she gushed.
8837 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8838 window and grabbing the ring.
8839 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8840 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8841 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8843 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8844 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8845 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8847 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8848 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8849 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8850 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8851 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8852 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8853 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8854 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8855 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8856 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8857 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8858 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8859 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8860 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8861 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8862 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8863 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8864 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8865 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8866 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8869 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8871 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8872 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8873 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8874 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8875 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8876 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8878 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8880 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8881 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8883 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8885 Abbott's Admonitions:
8886 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8887 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8889 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8891 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8892 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8894 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8895 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8896 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8897 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8898 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8899 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8900 And to the presence in the room he said,
8901 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8902 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8903 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8904 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8905 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8906 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8907 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8908 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8909 It came again with a great wakening light,
8910 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8911 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8912 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8914 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8916 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8918 About the only thing we have left that actually
8919 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8921 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8924 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8925 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8926 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8928 Above all else - sky.
8930 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8932 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8935 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8936 and miss the return train.
8938 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8939 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8942 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8943 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8946 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8947 it enkindles the great.
8949 Absence makes the heart forget.
8951 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8953 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8956 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8958 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8961 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8965 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8966 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8967 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8969 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8971 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8975 A weak person who yields to the
8976 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8977 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8980 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8981 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8982 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8983 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8984 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8985 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8986 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8987 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8988 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8989 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8990 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8991 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8994 A statement or belief manifestly
8995 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8996 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8998 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8999 because the stakes are so low.
9002 Academicians care, that's who.
9005 A modern school where football is taught.
9007 An archaic school where football is not taught.
9009 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
9011 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
9014 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
9016 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
9017 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
9019 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
9022 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
9023 but absence of body is better.
9024 -- Foolish Dictionary
9027 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
9031 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
9032 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
9033 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
9034 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
9035 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
9037 Accidents cause History.
9039 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
9040 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
9041 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
9042 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
9043 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
9044 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9046 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
9047 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
9048 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
9049 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
9050 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
9051 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
9052 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
9053 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
9054 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
9055 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
9056 sheepish grin" comes from.
9058 According to all the latest reports,
9059 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
9061 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
9062 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
9063 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
9064 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
9067 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
9068 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
9070 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
9072 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
9073 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
9075 According to the latest official figures,
9076 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
9078 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
9081 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
9082 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
9083 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
9084 beat up their city anytime.
9088 A bagpipe with pleats.
9091 The vice of being right
9093 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
9095 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
9098 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
9099 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
9100 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
9103 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
9105 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
9106 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
9107 well, I think of my sex life.
9112 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
9113 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
9114 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
9115 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
9116 John Wayne Marion Morrison
9117 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
9118 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
9119 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
9120 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
9122 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
9123 everyone glued in their seats!"
9124 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
9127 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
9128 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
9129 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
9130 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
9132 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
9134 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
9135 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
9136 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
9138 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
9140 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
9141 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
9143 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
9144 only have one floor to go to.
9146 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
9147 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
9148 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
9149 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
9150 it is true for all N+1 floors.
9153 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
9156 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
9157 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
9159 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
9161 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
9162 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
9165 Adding features does not necessarily increase
9166 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
9168 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
9169 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
9171 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
9172 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
9173 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
9174 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
9176 Adding sound to movies would be like
9177 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
9178 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
9180 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
9181 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
9183 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
9185 Adler's Distinction:
9186 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
9187 and from the bureaucrats.
9190 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
9191 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9194 The stage between puberty and adultery.
9196 "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
9201 To venerate expectantly.
9202 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9205 One old enough to know better.
9209 Advancement in position.
9211 Advertisements contain the only
9212 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
9215 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
9216 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
9219 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
9222 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
9223 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
9226 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
9227 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
9230 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
9232 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
9234 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
9235 then at least be aseptic.
9237 African violet: Such worth is rare
9238 Apple blossom: Preference
9239 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
9240 Bay leaf: I change but in death
9241 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
9242 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
9243 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
9244 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
9248 Forget-me-not: True love
9250 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
9251 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
9252 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
9253 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
9254 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
9255 Lilac: Youthful innocence
9256 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
9257 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
9258 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
9259 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
9261 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
9262 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
9263 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
9264 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
9265 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
9266 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
9267 especially that which is prohibited.
9268 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
9269 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
9271 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
9272 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
9273 more advanced than the lichen family.
9274 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
9276 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
9278 After a while you learn the subtle difference
9279 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
9280 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
9281 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
9282 And presents aren't promises
9283 And you begin to accept your defeats
9284 With your head up and your eyes open,
9285 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
9286 And you learn to build all your roads
9287 On today because tomorrow's ground
9288 Is too uncertain. And futures have
9289 A way of falling down in midflight,
9290 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
9291 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
9292 For someone to bring you flowers.
9293 And you learn that you really can endure...
9294 That you really are strong,
9295 And you really do have worth
9296 And you learn and learn
9297 With every goodbye you learn.
9298 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
9300 After all, all he did was string together
9301 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
9302 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
9304 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
9306 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
9309 After all my erstwhile dear,
9310 My no longer cherished,
9311 Need we say it was not love,
9312 Just because it perished?
9313 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
9315 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
9316 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
9317 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
9320 After an instrument has been assembled,
9321 extra components will be found on the bench.
9323 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
9324 month than you did before.
9326 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
9327 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
9328 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
9329 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
9330 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
9331 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
9332 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
9333 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
9334 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
9335 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
9336 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
9337 that it sinks like a stone.
9338 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9340 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
9341 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
9342 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
9343 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
9344 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
9345 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
9346 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
9347 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
9348 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
9349 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
9350 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
9351 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
9352 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
9354 "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
9355 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
9356 cost to others, to win advancement."
9359 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
9361 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
9362 but you believe everything. Just in case.
9364 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
9365 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
9366 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
9367 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
9368 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
9369 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
9370 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
9371 one foot in his mouth.)
9372 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
9374 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
9377 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
9378 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
9379 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
9380 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
9381 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
9383 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
9384 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
9386 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
9387 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
9388 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
9389 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
9390 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
9391 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
9392 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
9393 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
9394 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
9395 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
9396 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
9397 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
9398 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
9399 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
9401 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
9402 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
9403 Nobel Prize in 1923.
9405 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
9406 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
9407 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
9408 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
9409 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
9411 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
9412 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
9413 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
9414 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
9415 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
9416 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
9417 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
9419 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
9420 straight to the point.
9421 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
9423 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
9424 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
9426 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
9429 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
9432 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
9434 Against Idleness and Mischief
9436 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
9437 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
9438 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
9439 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
9441 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
9442 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
9443 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
9444 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
9445 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
9447 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
9448 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
9450 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
9452 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
9455 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
9456 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
9459 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
9460 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
9465 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
9467 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
9469 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
9470 Or what's a heaven for ?
9471 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
9473 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
9476 For all dreams are not equal,
9477 some exit to nightmare
9478 most end with the dreamer
9480 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
9482 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
9483 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
9484 And I answer them most mysteriously:
9485 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
9488 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
9490 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
9492 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
9494 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
9495 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
9496 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
9497 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
9498 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
9499 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
9501 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
9503 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
9504 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
9506 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
9507 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
9508 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
9509 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
9511 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
9514 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
9515 -- The Mad Dogtender
9517 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
9518 bring me a message from a young man.
9521 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
9523 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
9527 A nutritious substance supplied by
9528 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
9531 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
9532 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
9534 Air is water with holes in it.
9536 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
9538 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
9539 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
9540 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
9542 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
9543 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
9545 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
9546 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
9547 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
9548 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
9550 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
9551 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
9553 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
9554 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
9559 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
9560 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
9561 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
9562 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
9565 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
9566 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
9567 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
9568 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
9569 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
9572 Social innovations tend to the level
9573 of minimum tolerable well-being.
9575 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
9576 The surest poison is time.
9577 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
9579 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
9580 -- George Bernard Shaw
9583 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
9585 (2) Always be backlit.
9586 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
9588 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
9589 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
9590 You take one down, and pass it around,
9591 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
9593 Alex Haley was adopted!
9595 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
9596 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
9598 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
9599 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
9600 -- The Best of Will Rogers
9602 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
9603 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
9605 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
9606 important programming language yet developed.
9610 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
9612 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
9614 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
9615 them keeps paying for it.
9618 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
9621 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
9624 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
9626 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
9628 Alive without breath,
9630 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
9631 All in mail ever clinking.
9633 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
9635 All art is but imitation of nature.
9636 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
9638 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
9639 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
9640 Catiline", by Sallust
9642 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
9646 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
9647 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
9649 All constants are variables.
9651 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
9654 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
9656 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
9661 Smoke a friend today.
9663 All generalizations are false, including this one.
9666 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
9668 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
9670 All Gods were immortal.
9671 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
9673 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
9676 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
9678 All heiresses are beautiful.
9681 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
9682 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
9685 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
9688 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
9690 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
9693 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
9694 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
9697 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
9698 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
9699 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
9702 All I need to have a good time,
9703 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9704 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
9705 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
9707 All I want is to never grow old,
9708 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9709 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
9710 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
9712 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
9713 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9714 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
9715 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
9716 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
9718 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
9719 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
9721 All intelligent species own cats.
9723 All is fear in love and war.
9725 All is well that ends well.
9728 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
9729 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
9730 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
9731 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
9732 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
9733 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
9735 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
9738 All laws are simulations of reality.
9741 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
9744 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
9748 All men have the right to wait in line.
9750 All men know the utility of useful things;
9751 but they do not know the utility of futility.
9754 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
9755 To believe all men honest would be folly.
9756 To believe none so is something worse.
9757 -- John Quincy Adams
9759 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
9760 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
9763 All most people ask of life is a constant
9764 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
9766 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
9768 All my friends and I are crazy.
9769 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
9771 All my friends are getting married,
9772 Yes, they're all growing old,
9773 They're all staying home on the weekend,
9774 They're all doing what they're told.
9776 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
9780 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
9782 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
9783 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
9785 All of the animals except man know that
9786 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9788 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9789 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9790 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9791 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9794 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9795 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
9797 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9798 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9799 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9800 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9801 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9803 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9807 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9808 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9809 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9811 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9813 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9816 All phone calls are obscene.
9817 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9819 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9822 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9824 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9825 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9826 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9827 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9828 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9829 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9831 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
9833 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9835 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9836 to live beyond its income.
9837 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9839 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9840 -- Ernest Rutherford
9842 All seems condemned in the long run
9843 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9846 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9849 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9851 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9853 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9855 All that is gold does not glitter,
9856 Not all those who wander are lost;
9857 The old that is strong does not wither,
9858 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9859 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9860 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9861 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9862 The crownless again shall be king.
9865 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9866 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9867 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9868 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9869 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9870 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9872 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9874 All the evidence concerning the universe
9875 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9877 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9878 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9879 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9880 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9882 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9883 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9884 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9885 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9887 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9888 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9889 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9890 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9892 I've read all the greats
9893 Both starving and fat,
9894 But none was as great as
9895 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9896 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9898 All the men on my staff can type.
9901 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9904 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9908 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9911 All the simple programs have been written.
9913 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9914 the government in less than a second.
9917 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9919 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9922 All the world's a VAX,
9923 And all the coders merely butchers;
9924 They have their exits and their entrails;
9925 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9926 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9927 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9928 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9929 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9930 Unwillingly to school.
9931 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9933 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9934 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9935 -- Richard P. Feynman
9937 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9939 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9941 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9942 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9944 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9945 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9948 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9950 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9951 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9953 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9954 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9958 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9959 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9960 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9962 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9964 All who joy would win Must share it --
9965 Happiness was born a twin.
9968 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9970 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9971 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9972 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9973 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9977 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9980 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9981 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
9982 separately plunder a third.
9983 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9985 All's well that ends.
9987 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9988 about today's software design would be accurate.
9993 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9995 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9996 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9998 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9999 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
10000 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
10001 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
10002 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
10003 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
10005 caaa, n: An automobile.
10006 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
10007 someone involved with the Knicks.)
10008 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
10009 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
10011 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
10013 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
10014 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
10017 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
10018 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
10019 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
10020 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
10021 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
10022 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
10023 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
10024 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
10026 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
10028 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
10029 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
10030 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
10031 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
10032 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
10033 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
10034 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
10035 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
10036 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
10037 running the post office.
10038 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
10040 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
10041 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
10042 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
10043 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
10044 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
10045 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
10046 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
10047 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
10048 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
10050 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
10052 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
10054 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
10057 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
10059 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
10061 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
10064 Always store beer in a dark place.
10066 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
10067 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
10069 Always there remain portions of our heart
10070 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
10072 Always think of something new; this
10073 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
10076 "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
10079 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
10081 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10082 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
10083 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
10085 AMAZING BUT TRUE...
10086 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
10087 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
10089 Ambidextrous, adj.:
10090 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
10091 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10094 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
10096 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
10097 -- Charlie McCarthy
10100 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
10101 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
10104 America: born free and taxed to death.
10106 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
10109 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
10112 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
10113 and the scum rises to the top.
10116 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
10117 -- President John F. Kennedy
10119 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
10120 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
10121 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
10122 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
10123 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
10125 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
10126 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
10127 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
10128 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
10129 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
10130 by the majority they were at the time.
10131 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
10133 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
10134 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
10136 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
10137 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
10140 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
10141 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
10143 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
10145 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
10147 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
10148 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
10149 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
10150 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
10151 pictures on the doors.
10152 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
10154 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10156 American cars are made shoddily...
10157 Cars made overseas are far superior.
10158 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
10160 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
10161 we allow them short of hanging.
10164 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
10165 tail it knocks over a chair.
10168 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
10169 everybody and still nobody likes him.
10172 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
10174 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
10175 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
10176 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
10178 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
10180 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
10183 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
10184 and divide at the same time.
10186 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
10187 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
10189 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
10191 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
10192 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
10194 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
10197 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
10198 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
10200 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
10202 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
10203 people refuse to see it.
10204 -- James Michener, "Space"
10206 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
10207 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
10208 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
10209 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
10211 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
10214 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
10217 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
10218 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
10219 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
10221 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
10222 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
10223 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
10224 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
10227 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
10230 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
10231 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
10232 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
10233 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
10234 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
10235 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
10236 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
10238 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
10239 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
10240 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
10242 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
10243 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
10245 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
10247 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
10248 transportation everywhere."
10249 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
10250 R: "We take the train."
10251 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
10252 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
10253 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
10254 R: "We take tanks."
10256 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
10257 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
10259 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
10260 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
10261 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
10264 An aphorism is never exactly true;
10265 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
10268 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
10270 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
10272 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
10274 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
10276 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
10278 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
10280 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
10283 An attachment a la Plato
10284 for a bashful young potato
10285 or a, not too French, french bean
10286 must excite your languid spleen.
10287 For, if you walk down Picadilly
10288 with a poppy or lily
10289 in your medieval hand,
10290 every one will say,
10291 as you walk your flowery way;
10292 "If this young man is content,
10293 with a vegetable love
10294 which would certainly not content me.
10295 Why, what a very pure young man
10296 this pure young man must be!"
10297 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
10298 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
10300 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
10301 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
10302 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
10303 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
10304 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
10305 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
10307 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
10308 really care to know.
10310 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
10312 An economist is a man who would marry
10313 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
10315 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
10318 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
10320 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
10321 itself equally in small as in great matters.
10322 -- Winston Churchill
10324 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
10325 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
10328 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
10329 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
10330 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
10331 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
10332 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
10333 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
10334 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
10335 I've already paid them half of it."
10336 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
10337 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
10339 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
10341 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
10342 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
10343 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
10344 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
10345 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
10346 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
10347 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
10348 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
10349 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
10350 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
10352 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
10354 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
10355 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
10356 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
10357 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
10359 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
10362 An evil mind is a great comfort.
10364 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
10365 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
10366 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
10367 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
10368 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
10371 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
10372 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
10373 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
10374 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
10375 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
10376 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
10377 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
10378 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
10379 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
10380 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
10381 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
10382 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
10384 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
10386 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
10390 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
10394 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
10395 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
10396 -- Benjamin Stolberg
10398 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
10399 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
10401 An eye in a blue face
10402 Saw an eye in a green face.
10403 "That eye is like this eye"
10404 Said the first eye,
10406 Not in high place."
10408 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
10409 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
10410 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
10411 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
10412 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
10413 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
10414 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
10415 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
10416 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
10417 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
10418 He let go by the things of yesterday
10419 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
10420 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
10421 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
10422 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
10423 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
10424 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
10425 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
10426 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
10427 Was he to study till his head wend round
10428 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
10429 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
10430 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
10431 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
10433 [well, almost. Ed.]
10435 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
10438 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
10439 bought they stay bought.
10442 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
10443 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
10445 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
10446 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
10448 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
10450 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
10452 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
10455 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
10457 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
10458 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
10461 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
10464 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
10465 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
10466 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
10467 by the corresponding row and column labels.
10468 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
10469 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
10471 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
10472 -- Benjamin Franklin
10474 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
10475 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
10476 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
10477 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
10478 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
10479 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
10480 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
10481 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
10482 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
10483 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
10484 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
10485 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
10486 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
10487 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
10490 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
10493 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
10494 A pessimist is a married optimist.
10496 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
10498 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
10501 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
10504 "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
10506 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
10509 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
10510 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
10511 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
10512 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
10513 I've worried and worried and worried away.
10514 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
10515 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
10517 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
10518 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
10519 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
10520 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
10521 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
10522 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
10524 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
10525 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
10526 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
10527 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
10528 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
10529 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
10531 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
10532 Let our chant fill the void
10533 That others may know
10535 In the land of the night
10536 The ship of the sun
10539 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
10541 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
10542 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
10543 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
10544 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
10545 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
10547 And did those feet, in ancient times,
10548 Walk upon England's mountains green?
10549 And was the Holy Lamb of God
10550 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
10551 And did the Countenance Divine
10552 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
10553 And was Jerusalem builded here
10554 Among these dark satanic mills?
10556 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
10557 Bring me my arrows of desire!
10558 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
10559 Bring me my chariot of fire!
10560 I shall not cease from mental fight,
10561 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
10562 Till we have built Jerusalem
10563 In England's green and pleasant land.
10564 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
10566 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
10568 And ever has it been known that
10569 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
10572 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
10573 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
10574 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
10575 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
10576 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
10577 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
10578 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
10579 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
10580 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
10581 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
10582 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
10583 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
10584 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
10585 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
10586 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
10587 them. No matter how small-ish!"
10588 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
10590 And here I wait so patiently
10591 Waiting to find out what price
10592 You have to pay to get out of
10593 Going thru all of these things twice
10594 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
10596 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
10598 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
10599 As they strolled out of sight,
10600 "Merry Christmas to all --
10601 You take credit cards, right?"
10602 -- "Outsiders" comic
10604 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
10605 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
10606 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
10607 them, aren't braced against them.
10608 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
10610 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
10611 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
10612 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
10613 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
10615 And if California slides into the ocean,
10616 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
10617 I predict this motel will be standing,
10618 Until I've paid my bill.
10619 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
10621 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
10622 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
10626 As I am heading for the sink.
10627 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
10628 Along with half of my last drink.
10630 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
10631 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
10634 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
10635 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
10638 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
10641 And miles to go before I sleep.
10643 And now for something completely the same.
10645 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
10646 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
10647 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
10648 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
10650 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
10651 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
10652 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
10653 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
10655 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
10656 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
10657 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
10658 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
10660 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
10661 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
10662 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
10663 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
10666 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
10668 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
10670 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
10671 Mama'd come to school
10672 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
10673 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
10674 Got a good head if he'd apply it
10675 but you know yourself
10676 it's always somewhere else
10677 I'd build me a castle
10678 with dragons and kings
10679 and I'd ride off with them
10680 As I stood by my window
10681 and looked out on those
10683 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
10685 And so it was, later,
10686 As the miller told his tale,
10687 That her face, at first just ghostly,
10688 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
10691 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
10692 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
10693 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
10694 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
10695 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
10696 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
10697 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
10698 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
10699 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
10701 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
10703 And that's the way it is...
10706 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
10707 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
10708 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
10709 clothes! He is naked!"
10710 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
10712 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
10713 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
10714 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
10715 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
10716 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
10717 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
10719 "... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
10721 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10723 And the silence came surging softly backwards
10724 When the plunging hooves were gone...
10725 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
10727 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
10728 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
10730 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
10731 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
10732 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
10733 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
10734 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
10736 And this is good old Boston,
10737 The home of the bean and the cod,
10738 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
10739 And the Cabots talk only to God.
10741 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
10742 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
10744 And we heard him exclaim
10745 As he started to roam:
10746 "I'm a hologram, kids,
10747 please don't try this at home!'"
10750 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
10751 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
10752 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
10753 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
10754 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
10755 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
10756 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
10757 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
10758 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
10759 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
10760 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
10761 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
10762 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
10763 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
10765 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
10766 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
10767 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
10768 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
10769 -- The Grateful Dead
10771 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
10772 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
10773 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
10774 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
10775 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
10776 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
10779 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
10780 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
10781 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
10782 face, we have politics.
10783 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
10784 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
10786 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
10787 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
10789 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
10790 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
10791 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10793 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10795 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10796 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____
\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.
10797 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10799 Andrea's Admonition:
10800 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10801 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10802 it isn't and he can.
10807 Angels we have heard on High
10808 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10811 Anger is momentary madness.
10814 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10816 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10817 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10820 Ankh if you love Isis.
10822 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10824 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10826 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10827 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
10828 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10829 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10830 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10833 To grease a king or other great
10834 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
10835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10837 Another day, another dollar.
10838 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10839 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10842 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10844 Another megabytes the dust.
10846 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10847 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10848 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10849 offers whiter teeth *___
\b\b\band* fresher breath.
10850 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10852 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10855 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10858 Anthony's Law of Force:
10859 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10861 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10862 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10863 corner of the workshop.
10866 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10869 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10870 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10872 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10875 Was tired of living alonio
10876 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10877 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
10878 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10880 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10882 Said if you will be my ownio
10883 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
10884 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10885 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10887 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10889 Uttered a dismal moanio
10890 And went off and hid
10891 Or I'm told that he did
10892 In the Antartical Zonio.
10895 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10897 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10898 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10899 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10900 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10901 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10902 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10903 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10904 cars across Europe.
10906 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10907 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10909 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10912 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10913 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10914 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10915 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10916 Is there a better way to die?
10917 -- Charles Lindbergh
10919 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10920 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10921 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10922 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10923 -- Richard Schickel
10925 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10928 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10929 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10931 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10932 wise person to be able to sell it.
10934 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10938 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10942 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10944 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10946 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10947 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10948 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10949 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10953 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10955 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10956 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10957 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10958 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10959 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10961 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10962 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10964 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10965 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10966 be deemed to be a cat.
10967 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10969 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10970 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10971 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10972 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10973 can at least make a decision."
10974 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10975 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10976 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10977 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10979 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10980 -- Sydney J. Harris
10982 Any president should have the right to shoot
10983 at least two people a year without explanation.
10984 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10986 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10989 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10993 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10995 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10997 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10998 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10999 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
11000 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
11002 Any small object that is accidentally
11003 dropped will hide under a larger object.
11005 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
11006 exactly the point of most pressure.
11009 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
11011 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
11014 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
11016 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
11017 -- Arthur C. Clarke
11019 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
11022 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
11023 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
11025 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
11027 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
11028 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
11031 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
11032 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
11035 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
11036 sight of a police car is probably parked.
11038 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
11040 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
11041 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
11042 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
11045 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
11046 supposed to be doing at the moment.
11049 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
11052 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
11055 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
11056 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
11057 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
11058 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
11059 thought on every occasion."
11060 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
11062 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
11064 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
11065 extremely humble opinion.
11069 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
11070 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
11071 make messes in the house.
11072 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
11074 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
11077 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
11078 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry.
11080 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
11083 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
11084 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
11085 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
11086 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
11087 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
11089 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
11090 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
11093 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
11096 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
11097 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
11098 -- Philippus Paracelsus
11100 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
11101 account be allowed to do the job.
11102 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
11104 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
11105 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
11106 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
11107 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
11109 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
11112 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
11113 tried taking candy from a baby.
11116 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
11119 Anything cut to length will be too short.
11121 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
11123 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
11125 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
11127 Anything is possible on paper.
11130 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
11132 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
11133 The label means the price went up.
11134 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
11135 means the price went way up.
11137 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
11139 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
11140 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
11141 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
11143 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
11145 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
11146 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
11147 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
11148 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
11149 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
11150 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
11151 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
11152 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
11153 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
11155 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
11156 If you want to come, you're not invited.
11158 "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
11161 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
11162 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
11165 A concise, clever statement.
11167 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
11168 -- James Alexander Thom
11170 APL hackers do it in the quad.
11172 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
11173 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
11175 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
11177 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
11178 ...and is best for educational purposes.
11181 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
11182 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
11185 Appearances often are deceiving.
11189 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
11192 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
11195 April is the cruelest month...
11196 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
11198 Aquadextrous, adj.:
11199 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
11200 faucet on and off with your toes.
11201 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11203 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
11204 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
11205 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
11206 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
11207 and over again. People think you are stupid.
11209 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
11210 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
11211 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
11212 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
11213 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
11215 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
11216 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
11217 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
11218 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
11219 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
11220 able to lend you a few bucks.
11222 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
11223 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
11224 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
11225 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
11226 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
11227 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
11230 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
11231 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
11232 general can be said."
11234 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
11235 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
11239 Are we running light with overbyte?
11242 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
11243 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
11244 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
11247 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11248 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11250 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
11251 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
11252 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
11253 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
11254 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
11255 Don't you know any better?
11256 How could you be so stupid?
11257 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
11258 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
11259 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
11261 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11262 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11264 Do as I say, not as I do.
11265 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
11266 What did you do *this* time?
11267 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
11268 When I was your age...
11269 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
11270 Think of all the starving children in India.
11271 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
11272 I'm going to kill you.
11274 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
11276 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11277 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11279 Go away. You bother me.
11280 Why? Because life is unfair.
11281 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
11282 Children should be seen and not heard.
11283 You'll be the death of me.
11284 You'll understand when you're older.
11286 Wipe that smile off your face.
11287 I don't believe you.
11288 How many times have I told you to be careful?
11291 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11292 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11294 Good children always obey.
11295 Quit acting so childish.
11297 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
11298 Why do you have to know so much?
11299 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
11300 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
11301 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
11303 I'm only doing this because I love you.
11305 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11306 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11308 When are you going to grow up?
11309 I'm only doing this for your own good.
11310 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
11312 What's wrong with you?
11313 Someday you'll thank me for this.
11314 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
11315 Don't you have any sense at all?
11316 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
11317 Why? Because I said so.
11318 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
11320 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
11321 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
11323 You wouldn't understand.
11324 You ask too many questions.
11325 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
11326 That's for me to know and you to find out.
11327 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
11329 You're acting too big for your britches.
11330 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
11331 Wait till your father gets home.
11332 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
11333 Shape up or ship out.
11337 Are you making all this up as you go along?
11339 "Are you police officers?"
11340 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
11341 -- The Blues Brothers
11343 Are you sure the back door is locked?
11345 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
11346 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
11349 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
11350 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
11351 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
11352 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
11353 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
11354 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
11355 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
11356 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
11357 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
11358 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
11359 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
11361 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
11362 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
11363 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
11364 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
11365 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11366 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
11368 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
11369 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
11371 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
11372 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
11375 "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
11376 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
11378 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
11379 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
11380 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
11383 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
11384 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
11385 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
11386 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
11389 An obscure art no longer practiced in
11390 the world's developed countries.
11392 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
11396 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
11398 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
11399 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
11404 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
11406 Armstrong's Collection Law:
11407 If the check is truly in the mail,
11408 it is surely made out to someone else.
11411 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
11413 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
11414 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
11415 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
11416 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
11419 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
11420 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
11421 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
11422 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
11424 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
11425 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
11426 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
11427 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
11429 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
11430 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
11432 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
11433 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
11434 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
11435 piece would be better known as:
11436 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
11438 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
11439 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
11440 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
11442 Art is a jealous mistress.
11443 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11445 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
11448 Art is anything you can get away with.
11449 -- Marshall McLuhan.
11451 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
11454 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
11457 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
11458 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
11460 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
11462 Arthur's Laws of Love:
11463 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
11464 remind them of someone else.
11465 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
11466 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
11467 of yourself in person.
11470 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
11471 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
11472 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
11473 Article the Fourth:
11474 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
11475 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
11476 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
11478 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
11479 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
11480 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
11481 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
11482 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
11484 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
11485 artificial flowers have to flowers.
11488 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
11490 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
11492 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
11493 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
11494 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
11495 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
11496 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11498 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
11499 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
11500 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
11503 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
11504 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
11505 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
11507 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
11508 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
11509 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
11510 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
11512 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
11513 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
11514 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
11515 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
11517 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
11518 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
11520 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
11521 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
11522 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
11525 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
11526 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
11529 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
11532 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
11533 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
11535 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
11536 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
11537 -- Frederic Reynolds
11539 As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
11540 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
11543 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
11545 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
11548 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
11549 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
11550 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
11551 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
11552 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
11553 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
11554 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
11555 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
11556 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
11559 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
11560 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
11563 As I thought, no better from this side.
11566 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
11567 Feeling worse and worser,
11568 There I met a C.R.T.
11569 And it drop't me a cursor.
11572 Phosphors light on you!
11573 If I had fifty hours a day
11574 I'd spend them all at you.
11575 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
11577 As I was passing Project MAC,
11578 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
11579 Every hack had seven bugs;
11580 Every bug had seven manifestations;
11581 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
11582 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
11583 How many losses at Project MAC?
11585 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
11586 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
11587 The words were torn and tattered,
11588 From the storm the night before,
11589 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
11591 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
11592 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
11593 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
11594 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
11596 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
11597 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
11598 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
11599 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
11601 As in certain cults it is possible to
11602 kill a process if you know its true name.
11603 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
11605 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
11606 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
11607 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
11608 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
11609 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
11610 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
11611 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
11612 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
11613 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
11614 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
11615 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
11616 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
11617 on the austerity of the word.
11618 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
11620 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
11621 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
11622 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
11623 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
11625 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
11627 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
11629 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
11630 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
11631 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
11633 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
11634 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
11635 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
11637 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11638 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11639 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11641 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11643 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
11644 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
11645 3. Some people never look at me.
11646 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
11647 5. My sex life is A-okay.
11648 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11649 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
11650 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11651 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
11652 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11653 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
11654 12. I cannot read or write.
11655 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
11656 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
11657 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
11658 16. I am never startled by a fish.
11659 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
11660 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
11661 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
11662 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11664 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
11665 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
11666 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
11668 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
11670 1. I think beavers work too hard.
11671 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
11673 4. I like mannish children.
11674 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
11675 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
11676 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
11677 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
11678 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
11679 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11680 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
11682 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
11683 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
11684 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
11685 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
11686 16. My eyes are always cold.
11687 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
11688 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
11689 19. I am never startled by a fish.
11690 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
11692 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
11693 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
11694 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
11695 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
11696 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
11697 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
11698 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
11699 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
11700 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
11702 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
11703 Please update your programs.
11705 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
11706 Please update your programs.
11708 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
11710 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
11711 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
11713 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
11715 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
11716 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
11717 Keywords: C sources
11720 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
11721 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
11722 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
11723 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
11725 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
11726 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
11727 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
11730 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
11731 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
11732 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
11733 conversion to a new computer system.
11735 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
11736 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
11737 Of society offenders who might well be underground
11738 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
11739 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
11741 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
11742 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
11743 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
11744 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
11746 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
11748 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
11749 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
11752 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
11753 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
11754 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
11755 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
11756 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
11757 efficient test cases will usually be available.
11758 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
11760 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
11761 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
11762 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11764 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
11765 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
11766 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
11767 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
11769 -- Benjamin Franklin
11771 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
11772 -- Miguel de Cervantes
11774 As Will Rogers would have said,
11775 "There is no such things as a free variable."
11777 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
11778 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
11779 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
11780 proper time for chocolate.
11781 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
11783 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
11784 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
11787 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
11788 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
11789 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
11790 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
11791 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
11792 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
11793 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
11794 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
11795 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
11796 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
11797 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
11798 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
11799 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11802 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
11803 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
11804 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
11805 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
11806 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
11807 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
11808 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
11809 spider is suing you for damages.
11811 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
11812 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
11814 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
11817 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
11818 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
11819 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
11823 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
11825 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11827 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11828 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11830 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11831 one went to Harvard).
11832 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11834 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11835 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11838 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11840 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
11841 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11843 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11846 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11849 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11850 -- John Stuart Mill
11852 "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
11853 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
11854 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
11857 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11858 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11859 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11860 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11861 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11862 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11863 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11864 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11865 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11866 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11867 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11868 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11869 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11870 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11871 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11872 -- Garrison Keillor
11874 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11875 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11876 -- Christopher Hampton
11879 The masculine of "lass".
11881 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11882 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11885 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11886 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11887 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11888 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11891 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11893 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11894 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11896 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11897 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11898 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11899 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11900 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11901 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11902 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11903 a computer problem?"
11904 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11905 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11906 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11907 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11908 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11909 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11910 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11912 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11914 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11915 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11916 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11917 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11919 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11920 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11921 ignorance upon the shore.
11924 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11925 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11926 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11927 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11929 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11930 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11931 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11932 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11933 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11934 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11935 function as a normal person.
11937 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11938 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11943 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11944 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11945 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11947 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11949 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11950 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11951 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11953 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11954 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11957 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11960 "At least they're ___________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents"
11962 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11963 thumb with a hammer.
11964 -- Marshall Lumsden
11966 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11967 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11968 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11969 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11970 after fact and reason.
11973 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11974 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11977 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11978 and no further activities are scheduled.
11980 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11981 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11982 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11983 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11985 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11986 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11987 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11988 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11989 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11990 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11991 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11993 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11995 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11996 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11997 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11998 room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11999 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
12000 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
12001 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
12002 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
12004 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
12005 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
12006 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
12007 guess who's going to die soon!"
12009 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
12010 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
12012 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
12013 -- Peter G. Alaquon
12015 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
12016 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
12019 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
12020 number of pens that person is carrying.
12022 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12025 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
12027 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
12030 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
12031 -- Winston Churchill
12033 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
12034 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
12035 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
12036 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
12037 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
12038 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
12041 A gyp off the old block.
12043 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
12047 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
12049 Auribus teneo lupum.
12050 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
12053 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
12055 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
12056 depths they were once able to plumb.
12059 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
12060 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
12063 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
12068 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
12070 Avoid cliches like the plague.
12071 They're a dime a dozen.
12073 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
12075 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
12076 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12078 Avoid reality at all costs.
12080 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
12081 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
12082 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
12084 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
12086 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
12087 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
12088 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
12089 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
12091 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
12092 bad fiction contest.
12094 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
12095 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
12098 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
12099 as an excuse for getting drunk.
12100 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12103 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
12106 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
12108 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
12109 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
12110 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
12111 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
12112 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
12113 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
12114 Business before pleasure."
12116 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
12117 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
12118 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
12119 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
12120 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
12121 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
12122 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
12123 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
12124 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
12125 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
12126 never really caught on.
12128 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
12129 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
12131 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
12132 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
12134 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
12136 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
12138 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
12139 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
12143 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
12144 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
12145 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
12146 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
12147 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
12150 Bagdikian's Observation:
12151 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
12152 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
12154 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
12155 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
12157 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
12158 A block grant is a solid mass of money
12159 surrounded on all sides by governors.
12164 Fear of opening one's eyes.
12168 Fear of being buried alive.
12177 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
12179 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
12181 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
12182 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
12183 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
12186 The removal of bruises on a banana.
12187 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12189 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
12192 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
12194 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
12195 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
12196 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
12197 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
12198 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
12200 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
12201 floor -- especially in the dark.
12204 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
12207 An ingenious instrument which indicates
12208 what kind of weather we are having.
12209 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12211 Barth's Distinction:
12212 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
12213 types, and those who don't.
12215 Baruch's Observation:
12216 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
12218 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
12221 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
12224 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
12225 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
12227 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
12228 (2) Advising the President.
12229 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
12232 Basic Definitions of Science:
12233 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
12234 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
12235 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
12237 Basic is a high level languish.
12238 APL is a high level anguish.
12240 "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
12242 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
12246 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
12247 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
12249 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
12250 come in and sink my boats.
12254 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
12255 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
12256 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12258 Batteries not included.
12261 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
12262 will not yield to the tongue.
12265 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
12266 will beat a psychopath to your door.
12268 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
12270 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
12272 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
12273 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
12275 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12277 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
12280 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
12282 Be careful! Is it classified?
12284 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
12286 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
12287 situations that can't bear inspection.
12289 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
12292 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
12293 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
12295 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
12297 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
12300 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
12302 Be cheerful while you are alive.
12303 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
12305 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
12306 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
12309 Be different: conform.
12311 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
12312 the issue afterwards.
12314 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
12315 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
12317 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
12320 Insult a rich relative today.
12322 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
12323 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
12325 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
12328 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
12329 -- Pope St. Gregory I
12331 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
12333 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
12334 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
12336 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
12337 and original in your work.
12340 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
12342 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
12345 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
12347 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
12349 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
12350 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
12353 Beam me up, Scotty!
12355 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
12357 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
12359 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
12362 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
12364 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
12366 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
12368 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
12371 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
12372 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
12375 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
12379 Because I do not hope,
12380 Because I do not hope to survive
12381 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
12382 Because I do, only do,
12386 Because the wine remembers.
12388 Because we don't think about future generations,
12389 they will never forget us.
12393 What did you bring back for me?
12395 Been Transferred Lately?
12397 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
12399 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
12401 Bees are very busy souls
12402 They have no time for birth controls
12403 And that is why in times like these
12404 There are so many Sons of Bees.
12406 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
12407 -- Addison H. Hallock
12409 Before destruction a man's heart is
12410 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
12413 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
12414 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
12415 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
12416 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
12417 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
12421 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
12423 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
12424 they are "Let's eat out."
12426 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
12427 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
12429 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
12431 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
12433 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
12434 you really want to know the answers.
12435 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
12438 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
12439 you won't have to watch commercials.
12441 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
12442 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
12444 Beggars should be no choosers.
12447 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
12449 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
12451 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
12453 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
12454 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
12455 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
12459 Behold the unborn foetus and
12460 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
12461 All life is sacred (save, of course,
12462 An enemy civilian).
12464 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
12465 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
12467 Beifeld's Principle:
12468 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
12469 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
12470 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
12471 looking and richer male friend.
12473 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
12475 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
12476 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
12477 opposite applies with the judges.
12478 -- Beyond the Fringe
12480 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
12481 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
12484 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
12485 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
12486 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
12487 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
12488 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
12490 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
12491 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
12492 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
12493 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
12495 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
12497 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
12498 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
12500 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
12501 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
12504 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
12505 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
12508 Being owned by someone used to be called
12509 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
12511 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
12513 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
12514 different from being stoned on gin.
12517 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
12518 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
12519 -- unnamed Justice Department official
12521 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
12524 Something you do not believe.
12526 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
12530 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
12532 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
12535 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
12536 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
12537 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
12538 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
12540 "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
12544 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
12546 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
12547 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
12549 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
12550 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
12553 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
12554 none of his friends like him either.
12557 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
12558 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
12559 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
12560 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
12561 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
12562 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
12563 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
12564 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
12565 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
12566 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
12567 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
12568 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
12569 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
12570 "The test or the room?"
12571 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
12572 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
12573 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
12574 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
12575 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
12577 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
12580 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
12581 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
12582 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
12584 Besides the device, the box should contain:
12586 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
12588 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
12589 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
12591 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
12594 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
12595 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
12596 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
12597 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
12600 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
12601 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
12603 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
12604 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
12605 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
12606 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
12607 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
12608 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
12609 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
12610 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
12612 Best Mistakes In Films
12613 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
12614 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
12616 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
12617 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
12618 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
12619 with television aerials.
12620 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
12621 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
12623 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
12624 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
12625 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
12627 Best of all is never to have been born.
12628 Second best is to die soon.
12631 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
12632 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
12633 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
12635 Better by far you should forget and
12636 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
12637 -- Christina Rossetti
12639 Better dead than mellow.
12641 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
12642 around while you have your life in such a mess.
12644 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
12646 Better late than never.
12647 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
12649 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
12654 santa claus <north pole >town
12656 cat /etc/passwd >list
12659 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
12660 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
12661 santa claus <north pole > town
12663 who | grep sleeping
12665 who | egrep 'bad|good'
12666 for (goodness sake) {
12670 Better the prince of some inferior court,
12671 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
12672 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
12674 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
12676 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
12677 -- motto of the Christopher Society
12679 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
12681 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
12684 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
12685 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
12686 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
12687 pushing boulders into a single word.
12688 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
12689 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
12690 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
12691 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
12692 Parliament and Party.
12693 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
12694 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
12695 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
12697 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
12699 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
12707 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
12709 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12710 referring to system service dispatching.]
12712 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
12714 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
12716 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
12718 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
12720 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
12721 a new wearer of clothes.
12722 -- Henry David Thoreau
12726 "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
12730 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
12732 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
12734 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
12736 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
12738 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
12739 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
12740 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
12743 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
12744 -- Leonard Brandwein
12746 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
12747 drip under pressure.
12749 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
12750 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
12751 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
12753 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
12755 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
12756 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
12757 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
12758 their ignorance the hard way."
12759 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
12761 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
12762 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
12764 Beware the new TTY code!
12766 Beware the one behind you.
12769 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
12771 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
12772 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
12773 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
12774 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
12776 Big book, big bore.
12779 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
12780 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
12783 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
12785 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
12788 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
12790 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
12791 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
12793 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
12794 generation to generation?
12796 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
12799 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
12801 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
12802 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
12803 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
12806 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
12808 Biology grows on you.
12810 Biology is the only science in which
12811 multiplication means the same thing as division.
12814 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
12817 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
12818 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
12819 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
12821 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
12824 The first and direst of all disasters.
12825 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12827 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
12829 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
12830 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
12831 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
12832 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
12833 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
12834 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
12835 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
12838 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
12839 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
12840 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
12843 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
12844 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12845 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12849 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12852 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12854 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12856 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12857 are involved in when they burn stores.
12860 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12861 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12862 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12863 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12865 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12866 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12867 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12868 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12872 That's an empty wish.
12873 Just dump them together
12874 And leave them alone,
12875 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12876 -- To My Favorite Things
12878 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12879 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12880 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12881 She wants to hit those bricks,
12882 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12883 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12884 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12885 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12886 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12887 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12889 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12891 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12892 get the better even of their blunders.
12895 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
12897 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12900 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12902 -- James Russell Lowell
12904 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12905 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12907 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12910 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12913 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12914 for he shall enjoy living.
12917 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12918 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12921 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12927 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12928 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12929 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12931 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12933 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12935 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12936 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12939 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12942 Blow it out your ear.
12945 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12948 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12950 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
12951 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
12952 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
12953 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
12954 throwing up on them.
12956 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12958 Boling's postulate:
12959 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12961 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12962 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12963 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12965 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12966 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12968 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12969 seemed to come from Texas.
12970 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12972 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12975 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12977 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12980 You always find something in the last place you look.
12983 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12986 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12990 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12991 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12994 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12995 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12996 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12999 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
13000 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
13001 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
13005 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
13008 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
13009 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
13011 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
13012 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
13013 straightened out for a crowbar.
13016 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
13017 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
13018 on the same communications line connection.
13019 -- Bell System Technical Reference
13021 Boucher's Observation:
13022 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
13023 several octaves higher than originally written.
13025 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
13029 Talent goes where the action is.
13032 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
13036 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
13037 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13038 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13039 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13040 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
13041 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
13042 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
13044 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
13045 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
13047 Boy, life takes a long time to live
13051 A noise with dirt on it.
13053 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
13055 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
13057 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
13058 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
13061 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
13064 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
13065 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
13066 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
13067 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
13068 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
13069 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
13070 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
13071 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
13072 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
13073 which is all the time.
13074 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
13076 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
13077 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
13078 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
13079 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
13080 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
13084 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
13085 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
13087 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
13088 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
13089 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
13090 have handled this?"
13092 Brain fried -- core dumped
13095 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
13096 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13098 brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
13099 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
13100 of error in an opponent.
13101 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13103 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
13104 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
13106 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
13107 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
13108 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
13109 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
13111 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
13112 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
13113 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
13114 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
13115 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
13116 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
13117 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
13118 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
13119 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
13120 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
13121 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
13122 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
13123 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
13124 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
13126 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
13129 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
13132 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
13134 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
13135 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
13136 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13138 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
13139 Watch lights fade from every room.
13140 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
13141 another day's useless energies spent.
13143 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
13144 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
13145 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
13146 Senior citizens wish they were young.
13148 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
13149 Removes the colors from our sight.
13150 Red is grey and yellow white.
13151 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
13152 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
13154 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
13157 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
13158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13160 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
13163 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
13165 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
13166 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
13167 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
13168 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
13169 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
13170 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
13171 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
13172 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
13173 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
13174 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
13175 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
13176 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
13177 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
13180 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
13181 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
13182 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
13183 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
13185 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
13186 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
13187 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
13188 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
13189 -- "The Jabberwock"
13191 Bringing computers into the home won't change
13192 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
13194 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
13195 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
13196 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
13197 brusque, your character.
13200 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
13201 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
13204 British Israelites:
13205 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
13206 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
13207 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
13208 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
13209 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
13210 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
13211 and take all your teeth.
13212 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13214 broad-mindedness, n:
13215 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
13218 People tend to congregate in the back
13219 of the church and the front of the bus.
13222 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
13224 Brontosaurus Principle:
13225 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
13226 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
13227 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
13228 -- Thomas K. Connellan
13231 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
13232 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
13233 expands it beyond recognition.
13236 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
13239 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
13240 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
13241 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
13243 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
13244 (of one of the two other meanings).
13245 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
13246 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
13247 reviews just done in his spirit.
13249 BS: You remind me of a man.
13251 BS: The man with the power.
13253 BS: The power of voodoo.
13257 BS: Remind me of a man.
13259 BS: The man with the power...
13260 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
13263 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
13264 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
13266 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
13269 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
13272 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13273 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
13274 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13277 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
13278 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
13281 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
13285 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
13286 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
13287 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
13288 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
13291 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
13294 Building translators is good clean fun.
13297 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
13299 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
13300 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
13304 All the parts falling off this car are
13305 of the very finest British manufacture.
13307 Bunker's Admonition:
13308 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
13311 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
13312 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
13313 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
13315 Bureau Termination, Law of:
13316 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
13317 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
13318 12 months after the decision is made.
13321 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
13324 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
13328 A politician who has tenure.
13330 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
13332 Burke's Postulates:
13333 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13334 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
13336 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
13337 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
13339 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
13340 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
13341 perfectly balanced.
13342 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
13345 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
13348 Bus error -- driver executed.
13350 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
13352 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
13354 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
13355 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
13356 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
13358 Business will be either better or worse.
13361 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
13363 "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
13366 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
13367 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
13369 But has any little atom,
13370 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
13371 Ever stopped to think or CARE
13374 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
13377 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
13378 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
13379 kill more than I could eat.
13382 But I don't like Spam!!!!
13384 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
13385 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
13386 "But I'm feeling much better..."
13387 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
13388 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
13390 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
13391 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
13392 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
13393 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
13394 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
13395 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
13396 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
13397 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
13398 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
13399 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
13400 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
13401 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
13403 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
13405 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
13406 nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
13407 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
13409 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
13410 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
13411 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
13413 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
13418 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
13420 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
13421 In proving foresight may be vain:
13422 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
13424 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
13426 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
13428 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
13430 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
13432 "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
13433 to the nearest gas station."
13435 But scientists, who ought to know
13436 Assure us that it must be so.
13437 Oh, let us never, never doubt
13438 What nobody is sure about.
13441 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
13443 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
13444 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
13447 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
13448 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
13449 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
13450 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
13452 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
13453 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
13454 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
13455 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
13456 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
13457 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
13458 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
13459 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
13460 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
13461 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
13462 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
13464 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
13465 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
13466 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
13467 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
13468 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
13469 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
13471 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
13473 But these pills can't be habit forming;
13474 I've been taking them for years.
13476 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
13477 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
13478 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
13479 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
13480 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
13481 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
13483 "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
13486 But you shall not escape my iambics.
13487 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
13489 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
13490 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
13491 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
13492 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
13494 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
13495 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
13496 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
13497 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
13498 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
13499 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
13500 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
13501 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
13502 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
13503 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
13504 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
13505 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
13506 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
13507 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
13510 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
13512 By doing just a little every day, you can
13513 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
13515 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
13517 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
13518 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
13519 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
13522 By nature, men are nearly alike;
13523 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
13526 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
13527 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
13528 as it is to invent.
13530 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
13531 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
13532 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
13533 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
13535 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
13536 -- Charles Spurgeon
13538 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
13539 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
13541 "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
13542 to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
13543 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
13545 By the time you swear you're his,
13546 shivering and sighing
13547 and he vows his passion is
13548 infinite, undying --
13549 Lady, make a note of this:
13550 One of you is lying.
13551 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
13553 By the yard, life is hard.
13554 By the inch, it's a cinch.
13556 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
13557 Another man's, I mean.
13560 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
13561 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
13565 Believing Your Own Bull
13567 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
13568 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
13569 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
13570 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
13571 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
13572 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
13573 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
13575 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
13577 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
13578 carefully print the chaff.
13589 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
13591 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
13592 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
13593 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
13596 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
13597 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
13598 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
13603 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
13605 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13607 "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
13608 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
13611 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
13612 is supposed to know is there.
13614 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
13618 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
13619 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
13620 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
13623 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
13624 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
13627 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
13630 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
13631 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
13633 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
13636 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
13637 referring to logical names.]
13639 "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
13640 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
13642 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
13643 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
13645 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
13646 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
13647 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
13648 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
13650 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
13651 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
13652 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
13654 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
13655 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
13657 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
13658 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
13662 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
13664 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
13666 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
13670 Can anyone remember when the times
13671 were not hard, and money not scarce?
13673 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
13674 Yes, work never begun.
13676 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
13677 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
13678 -- Robert J. Ringer
13680 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
13681 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
13683 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
13684 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
13686 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
13687 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
13688 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
13690 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
13691 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
13692 A root or two, a torus and a node:
13693 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
13694 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13696 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13697 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
13698 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
13699 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
13700 when you're poor and unhappy.
13702 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
13703 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
13704 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
13705 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
13706 recipients are Cancer people.
13709 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
13710 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
13711 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
13712 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
13713 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
13714 fashion without thinking.
13715 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
13716 Stallman: "What did he say?"
13717 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
13719 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
13720 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
13721 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
13723 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
13725 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
13727 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
13728 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
13729 -- John Maynard Keynes
13731 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
13732 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
13733 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
13734 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
13735 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
13736 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
13738 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
13739 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
13740 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
13741 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
13743 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
13744 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
13745 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
13746 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
13747 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
13749 Captain Penny's Law:
13750 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
13751 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
13753 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
13755 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
13756 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
13757 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
13760 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
13761 trousers that don't match.
13763 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
13764 the name Craney incorrectly.
13767 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
13768 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
13769 the same can be said of dirt.
13771 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
13772 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
13773 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
13774 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
13775 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13777 Carson's Consolation:
13778 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
13779 It can always be used as a bad example.
13781 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
13782 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
13784 Carswell's Corollary:
13785 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
13786 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
13789 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
13791 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
13794 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
13797 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
13799 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
13800 -- Garrison Keillor
13802 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
13803 a sled through the snow.
13805 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
13807 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
13808 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
13810 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
13812 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
13814 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
13816 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
13818 Cecil, you're my final hope
13819 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
13820 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
13821 But none of my cats are at all like that.
13822 This unusual animal (so it is said)
13823 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
13824 What I don't understand is just why he
13825 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
13826 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
13827 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
13828 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
13829 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
13830 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
13831 Then I will *___
\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
13832 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
13833 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
13835 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
13837 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
13838 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
13839 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
13840 -- Kelvin Throop III
13842 Census Taker to Housewife:
13843 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
13845 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
13847 cerebral atrophy, n:
13848 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
13849 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
13850 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
13851 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
13852 everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
13853 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
13854 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
13856 cerebral darwinism, n:
13857 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
13858 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
13859 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
13860 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
13861 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
13862 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
13863 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
13864 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
13866 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
13867 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13868 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13871 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13872 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13874 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13875 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13876 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13877 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13878 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13879 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13880 others who have tried it.
13881 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13884 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
13885 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
13886 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
13887 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
13888 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
13889 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
13890 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
13891 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
13893 Certainly the game is rigged.
13894 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13895 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13897 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13898 But it's very funny --
13899 did you ever try buying them without money?
13902 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13904 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13905 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13907 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13910 Chairman of the Bored.
13912 Chamberlain's Laws:
13913 1: The big guys always win.
13914 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13916 Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
13917 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
13920 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13923 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13925 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13928 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13930 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13932 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13933 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13934 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13935 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13936 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13937 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13938 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13941 character density, n.:
13942 The number of very weird people in the office.
13944 Character is what you are in the dark!
13945 -- Lord John Whorfin
13948 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13950 Charity begins at home.
13951 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13953 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13954 Linus: To make others happy.
13955 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13957 Charlie was a chemist,
13958 But Charlie is no more.
13959 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13961 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13962 without having asked any clear question.
13964 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13966 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13967 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13970 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13971 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13973 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13975 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13976 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13979 Any cook who swears in French.
13982 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13983 the next time he's in need.
13986 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13988 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13990 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13992 Chemistry is applied theology.
13993 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13995 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13998 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
14000 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
14001 which way I ought to go from here?"
14002 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
14003 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
14004 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
14008 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
14011 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
14013 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
14014 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
14015 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
14016 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
14018 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
14019 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
14020 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
14021 cheerfully baste you.
14022 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
14024 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
14025 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
14027 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
14029 Chicken Little was right.
14032 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14033 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
14034 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14038 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
14039 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
14040 is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
14041 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
14043 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
14044 shivers when it's warm.
14046 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
14047 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
14049 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
14050 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
14052 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
14053 going to catch you in next.
14054 -- Franklin P. Jones
14056 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
14057 And that's what parents were created for.
14060 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
14061 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
14064 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
14065 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
14067 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
14068 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
14070 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
14072 Chism's Law of Completion:
14073 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
14074 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
14076 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
14077 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
14079 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
14080 Roger the thief has a
14083 Folks who are reading are
14085 Always Forgetting to
14086 Guard their own bac ...
14090 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
14091 a friend if she were a man.
14095 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
14096 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
14097 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
14098 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
14099 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
14100 And we begged her not to go.
14101 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
14102 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
14103 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
14104 And incriminating claus-marks on her
14105 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
14106 He's been taking this so well.
14107 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
14108 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
14109 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
14110 They should never give a license,
14111 To a man who drives a sleigh and
14113 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
14116 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
14118 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
14120 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
14121 difficult and not tried.
14122 -- G. K. Chesterton
14124 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
14125 -- George Bernard Shaw
14127 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
14128 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
14129 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
14130 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
14132 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
14133 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
14134 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
14135 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
14137 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
14138 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
14139 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
14140 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
14141 Angels We Have Heard On High,
14142 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
14143 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
14144 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
14145 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
14148 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
14149 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
14150 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
14153 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
14157 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
14158 covers the floors of movie theaters.
14159 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14161 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
14164 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
14167 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
14168 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
14170 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
14174 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
14175 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
14178 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
14179 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
14182 Clarke's Conclusion:
14183 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
14185 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
14186 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
14189 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
14190 leading the parade.
14193 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
14194 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
14197 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
14199 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
14200 the walk before it stops snowing.
14203 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
14204 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
14207 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
14210 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
14213 Where their last tornado did six
14214 million dollars worth of improvements.
14216 Cleveland still lives. God ____
\b\b\b\bmust be dead.
14219 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
14221 Climate and Surgery
14222 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
14223 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
14224 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
14225 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
14226 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
14227 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
14228 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
14230 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
14231 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
14233 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
14234 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
14235 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
14236 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
14237 please?" it asked the bartender.
14238 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
14239 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
14240 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
14243 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
14244 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
14245 is a clone of our product."
14247 Clones are people two.
14249 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
14251 Clothes make the man.
14252 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
14255 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
14256 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
14257 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
14258 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
14260 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
14261 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
14262 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14264 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
14265 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
14266 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
14268 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
14269 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
14270 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14272 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
14273 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
14274 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
14276 Sam: What's up, Norm?
14277 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
14278 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
14280 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
14281 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
14282 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
14284 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
14285 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
14286 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
14288 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
14289 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
14290 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
14292 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
14293 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
14294 of whatever comes out of that tap.
14295 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
14296 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
14297 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
14299 Coach: What's up, Norm?
14300 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
14301 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
14303 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
14304 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
14305 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14307 Coach: Beer, Normie?
14308 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
14309 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
14310 -- Cheers, Snow Job
14313 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
14316 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
14318 COBOL is for morons.
14319 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14321 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
14323 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
14325 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
14328 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
14329 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
14331 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
14332 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
14333 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14335 "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
14339 There is no bottom to worse.
14342 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
14343 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
14344 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
14347 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
14350 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
14351 -- G. K. Chesterton
14354 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
14357 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
14360 Cold hands, no gloves.
14363 Thinly sliced cabbage.
14366 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
14367 other fellow can spell.
14370 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
14372 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
14373 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
14374 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
14375 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
14380 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
14382 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
14384 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
14386 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
14387 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
14388 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
14389 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
14390 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
14391 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
14392 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
14393 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
14394 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
14395 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
14397 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
14398 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
14399 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
14400 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
14401 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
14402 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
14403 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
14405 Colvard's Logical Premises:
14406 All probabilities are 50%.
14407 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
14409 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
14410 This is especially true when
14411 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
14413 Grelb's Commentary:
14414 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
14416 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
14417 And every vector dreams of matrices.
14418 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
14419 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
14420 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14422 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
14423 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
14424 The bird of time has but a little way
14425 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
14429 -- George McGovern, 1972
14431 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
14432 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
14433 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
14435 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
14436 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
14437 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
14438 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
14439 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
14441 Come live with me, and be my love,
14442 And we will some new pleasures prove
14443 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
14444 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14447 Come live with me and be my love,
14448 And we will some new pleasures prove
14449 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
14450 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
14451 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
14452 If you would be my POSSLQ.
14454 You live with me, and I with you,
14455 And you will be my POSSLQ.
14456 I'll be your friend and so much more;
14457 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
14459 And everything we will confess;
14460 Yes, even to the IRS.
14461 Some day on what we both may earn,
14462 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
14463 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
14464 You'll share my life - up to a point!
14465 And that you'll be so glad to do,
14466 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
14468 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
14469 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
14471 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
14472 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
14475 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
14476 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
14477 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
14478 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
14479 That no compunctious visiting of nature
14480 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
14481 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
14482 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
14483 Wherever in your sightless substances
14484 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
14485 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
14486 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
14487 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
14488 To cry `Hold, hold!'
14491 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
14493 Coming to Stores Near You:
14495 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
14497 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
14498 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
14499 I'm Not Misbehaving
14501 And A Whole Lot More...
14503 Coming together is a beginning;
14504 keeping together is progress;
14505 working together is success.
14508 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
14509 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
14511 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
14512 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
14515 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
14516 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
14519 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
14520 decide that nothing can be done.
14524 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
14525 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
14526 stamps you as being wise.
14527 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
14529 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
14530 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
14531 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
14533 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
14534 be appointed to do the work.
14536 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
14537 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
14540 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
14543 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
14546 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
14547 Everyone thinks he has enough.
14550 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
14551 1) No action is without side-effects.
14552 2) Nothing ever goes away.
14553 3) There is no free lunch.
14555 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
14557 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
14558 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
14561 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
14562 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
14563 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
14564 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
14565 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
14566 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
14567 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
14570 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
14571 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
14574 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
14575 is in the eye of the beholder.
14576 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14578 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
14579 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
14584 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
14587 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
14590 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
14591 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
14592 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
14595 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
14596 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
14597 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
14599 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
14601 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
14603 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
14606 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
14607 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
14608 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
14609 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
14610 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
14611 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
14612 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
14614 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
14616 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
14618 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
14619 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
14622 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
14624 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
14625 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14628 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
14631 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
14632 the world that just don't add up.
14634 Computers don't actually think.
14635 You just think they think.
14638 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
14639 than the estimate the job will cost.
14641 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
14642 -- LaRouchefoucauld
14645 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
14648 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
14649 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
14650 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
14652 Condense soup, not books!
14655 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
14656 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
14657 he's already decided to do.
14659 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
14660 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
14663 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
14665 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
14666 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
14669 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
14671 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
14673 Confidant, confidante, n:
14674 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
14677 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
14678 fall flag on your face.
14681 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
14683 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
14684 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
14686 Conflicting research paradigms
14687 Have legitimized various crimes.
14688 The worst we can see
14690 Measuring reaction times.
14692 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
14694 Confucius say too damn much!
14696 Confucius say too much.
14697 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
14699 Confusion will be my epitaph
14700 as I walk a cracked and broken path
14701 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
14702 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
14703 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
14705 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
14706 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
14709 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
14710 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
14711 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
14712 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
14713 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
14714 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
14715 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
14716 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
14717 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
14718 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
14719 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
14720 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
14721 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
14723 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
14725 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
14730 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
14731 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
14732 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
14733 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
14734 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
14737 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
14738 nameless to the development team after releasing
14739 the second version of their product.
14741 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
14743 Mathematician's Proof:
14744 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
14745 odd numbers are prime.
14747 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
14748 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14750 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
14751 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
14752 Computer Scientists's Proof:
14753 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
14755 Connector Conspiracy, n:
14756 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
14757 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
14758 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
14759 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
14760 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
14763 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
14764 governing that is hard.
14765 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
14767 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
14769 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
14772 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
14775 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
14776 when everything else feels great.
14778 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
14779 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
14781 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
14785 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
14786 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
14787 never admitted to in the first place.
14789 "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
14790 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
14793 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
14797 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
14798 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
14801 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
14802 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
14804 Consider the following axioms carefully:
14805 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
14807 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
14808 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
14809 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
14810 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
14812 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
14813 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
14814 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
14816 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
14817 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
14821 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
14822 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
14823 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
14824 Calculator, Will Travel.
14827 An ordinary man a long way from home.
14830 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
14831 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
14832 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
14833 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
14837 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
14838 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
14840 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
14841 company for a number and then give it back to them.
14844 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
14846 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
14847 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
14848 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
14849 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
14850 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
14851 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
14853 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
14854 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
14855 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
14857 "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
14858 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
14860 Convention is the ruler of all.
14863 Conversation enriches the understanding,
14864 but solitude is the school of genius.
14867 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
14868 is called the listener.
14871 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
14874 This person must be fired.
14876 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
14878 -- Raymond Chandler
14881 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
14882 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
14883 interested in reading them.
14886 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
14887 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
14889 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14891 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
14895 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14897 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14898 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14902 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14903 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14904 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14907 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14909 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14910 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14911 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14912 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14913 being easier to stake.
14915 Counting in binary is just like counting
14916 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14919 Counting in octal is just like counting
14920 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14923 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14925 Courage is grace under pressure.
14927 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14930 Courage is your greatest present need.
14933 A place where they dispense with justice.
14936 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14937 -- William Congreve
14940 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14941 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14943 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14944 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14945 -- Wernher von Braun
14947 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14949 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14950 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14951 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14952 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14953 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14954 between adequacy and excellence.
14956 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14957 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14958 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14959 say it was obvious all along.
14960 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14962 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14964 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14965 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14967 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14971 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14973 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14974 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14975 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14976 regardless of your formal duties.
14978 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14982 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14984 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14986 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14989 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14990 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14993 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14994 -- Socrates' last words
14997 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
15000 The amount of work done varies inversely
15001 with the time spent in the office.
15003 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
15006 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
15007 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
15008 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
15009 much work has already been done on it.
15011 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
15013 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
15017 Cthulhu for President!
15018 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
15020 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
15022 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
15024 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
15028 One whose program will not run.
15033 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15035 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
15037 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
15038 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
15039 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
15040 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
15041 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
15042 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
15043 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
15044 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
15045 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
15046 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
15047 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
15048 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
15049 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
15053 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
15054 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
15055 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
15056 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15058 Custer committed Siouxicide.
15060 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
15061 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
15064 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
15068 Cutler Webster's Law:
15069 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
15070 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
15072 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
15073 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
15074 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
15081 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
15082 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
15083 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
15084 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15087 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
15090 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
15091 several of us died of tuberculosis.
15094 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
15097 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
15098 it lacks is a decent editor
15101 The city that chose Astroturf to
15102 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
15104 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
15106 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
15108 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
15111 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
15113 Damn, I need a Coke!
15114 -- Dr. William DeVries
15115 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
15117 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
15120 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
15122 Dark and lonely on a summer night
15125 The watchdog barkin'
15129 Slip in his window.
15131 Then his house I start to wreck
15136 C-I-L-L my landlord!
15137 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
15139 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
15140 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
15143 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
15144 -- Princess Leia Organa
15146 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
15149 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
15152 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
15153 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
15155 Data is not information;
15156 Information is not knowledge;
15157 Knowledge is not wisdom;
15160 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
15161 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
15163 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
15165 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
15166 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
15167 * Hourly motel rates
15168 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
15169 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
15170 like some countries we could mention
15171 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
15172 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
15173 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
15175 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
15176 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
15177 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
15180 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
15183 The time when men of reason go to bed.
15184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15186 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
15188 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
15189 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
15192 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
15194 Dealing with failure is easy:
15195 Work hard to improve.
15196 Success is also easy to handle:
15197 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
15199 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
15200 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
15204 How can I choose what groups to post in?
15208 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
15209 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
15210 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
15211 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
15212 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
15213 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
15214 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
15215 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
15217 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15220 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
15221 summarize. What should I do?
15225 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
15226 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
15227 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
15228 summarizing a vote.
15229 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15232 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
15237 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
15238 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
15239 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
15241 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15244 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
15249 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
15250 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
15251 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
15252 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
15253 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
15254 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15257 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
15258 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
15259 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
15260 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
15261 -- A Concerned Citizen
15264 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
15265 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
15266 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
15267 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
15268 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
15270 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
15271 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
15272 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
15273 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
15274 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
15275 they are always interested in good stories.
15278 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
15279 to. How about an example?
15283 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
15284 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
15285 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
15286 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
15287 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
15288 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
15289 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
15290 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
15291 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
15292 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
15293 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
15294 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
15295 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
15296 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
15297 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
15298 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
15299 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
15300 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15303 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
15308 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
15309 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
15311 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
15312 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
15313 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
15314 about the signature anyway.
15315 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15317 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
15321 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
15322 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
15323 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
15324 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
15325 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
15327 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15330 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
15331 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
15332 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
15333 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
15336 I just want *___
\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
15337 the other hand", again.
15339 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
15343 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
15344 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
15345 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
15348 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
15349 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
15350 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
15351 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
15354 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
15358 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
15362 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
15363 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
15364 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
15365 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
15366 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
15367 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
15368 umbrella without seeming insulting?
15371 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
15372 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
15373 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
15374 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
15375 before making your attack.
15377 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
15378 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
15379 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
15380 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
15381 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
15382 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
15383 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
15384 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
15385 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
15386 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
15390 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15392 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
15394 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
15395 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
15396 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
15397 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
15398 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
15399 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
15400 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
15403 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
15408 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
15409 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
15410 posting it. All others please ignore."
15411 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
15412 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
15413 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
15414 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
15415 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
15416 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
15417 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
15418 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
15419 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
15420 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
15421 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
15422 so post it as many places as you can.
15423 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
15426 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
15427 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
15428 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
15429 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
15430 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
15432 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
15434 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
15436 Death before dishonor.
15437 But neither before breakfast.
15439 Death comes on every passing breeze,
15440 He lurks in every flower;
15441 Each season has its own disease,
15442 Its peril -- every hour.
15445 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
15447 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
15448 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
15451 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
15453 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
15456 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
15458 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
15460 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
15462 Death is only a state of mind.
15464 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
15466 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
15468 Death to all fanatics!
15471 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
15473 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
15475 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
15476 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
15478 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
15481 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
15482 erra, n: A mistake.
15483 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
15484 Linder, n: A female name.
15485 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
15486 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
15487 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
15488 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
15489 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
15490 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
15491 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
15492 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
15494 Decision maker, n.:
15495 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
15496 before the music stopped.
15498 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
15499 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
15500 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
15501 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
15502 (unless struck by a boomerang).
15503 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
15505 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
15506 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
15508 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
15509 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
15512 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
15513 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
15514 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
15515 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
15519 The hardware's, of course.
15522 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
15523 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
15524 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
15525 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
15527 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
15530 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
15531 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
15532 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
15533 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
15535 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
15537 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
15539 Hardware is what you kick;
15540 Software is what you curse.
15542 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
15545 (cond ((null c) () )
15547 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
15549 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
15551 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
15553 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
15554 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
15555 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
15556 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
15557 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
15558 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
15560 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
15561 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
15564 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
15565 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15566 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15567 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
15568 something actually being encountered for the first time.
15570 Delay is preferable to error.
15571 -- Thomas Jefferson
15573 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
15574 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
15576 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
15577 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
15579 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
15580 referring to I/O system services.]
15582 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
15583 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
15584 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
15585 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
15586 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
15587 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
15588 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
15589 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
15590 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
15591 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
15593 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
15594 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
15595 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
15597 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
15600 The act of examining one's bread
15601 to determine which side it is buttered on.
15602 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15604 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
15606 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
15607 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
15608 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
15609 overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
15610 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
15611 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
15612 steroid-free fitness center.
15613 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
15615 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
15616 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
15617 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
15619 Demand the establishment of the government
15620 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
15622 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
15623 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
15625 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
15626 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
15628 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
15630 -- George Bernard Shaw
15632 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
15633 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
15636 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
15637 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
15638 -- George Bernard Shaw
15640 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
15643 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
15644 will get the blame.
15645 -- Laurence J. Peter
15647 Democracy is also a form of worship.
15648 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
15651 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
15652 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
15654 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
15655 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
15657 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
15658 of the people are right more than half of the time.
15661 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
15662 deserve to get it good and hard.
15663 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
15665 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
15666 forms that have been tried from time to time.
15667 -- Winston Churchill
15670 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
15671 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
15672 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
15673 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
15674 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
15675 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
15676 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
15677 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
15681 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
15684 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
15685 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
15686 you don't have to waste your time voting.
15687 -- Charles Bukowski
15689 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
15690 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
15692 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
15693 The remainder is thrown out.
15695 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
15697 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
15698 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
15700 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
15701 windows by Democrats.
15702 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
15704 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
15705 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
15707 Dental health is next to mental health.
15710 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
15711 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
15712 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15715 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
15717 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
15719 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
15721 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
15723 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
15724 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
15727 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
15729 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
15730 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
15733 What you regret not doing later on.
15735 Desist from enumerating your fowl
15736 prior to their emergence from the shell.
15738 Despising machines to a man,
15739 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
15740 And ride out by night
15741 In a sheeting of white
15742 To lynch all the robots they can.
15743 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
15745 Despite all appearances, your boss
15746 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
15748 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
15749 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
15751 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
15753 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
15754 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
15755 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
15757 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
15760 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
15761 the one you don't want hits the paper.
15763 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
15764 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
15767 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
15768 Some do, some don't.
15770 Did I say 2? I lied.
15772 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
15773 and slim chance mean the same thing?
15775 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15777 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
15778 has already been born?
15781 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
15782 that's how dogs spend their lives.
15785 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
15787 Did you hear about the model who sat
15788 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
15790 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
15791 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
15793 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
15795 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
15800 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
15801 only recaptured 116 of them?
15804 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
15806 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
15809 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
15810 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
15811 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
15813 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
15816 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
15817 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
15818 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
15819 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
15821 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
15823 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
15824 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
15825 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
15826 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
15827 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
15828 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
15830 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
15831 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15833 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
15836 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
15837 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
15839 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
15840 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
15842 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
15847 Did you know the University of Iowa
15848 closed down after someone stole the book?
15852 That no-one ever reads these things?
15854 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
15855 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
15856 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
15857 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
15860 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
15862 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
15863 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
15864 -- John Barrymore's dying words
15867 To stop sinning suddenly.
15870 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
15871 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
15873 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
15875 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
15877 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
15880 Dignity is like a flag.
15881 It flaps in a storm.
15886 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
15887 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
15888 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
15890 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
15892 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
15893 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
15894 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
15897 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
15899 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
15900 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
15902 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
15903 asked him, after a few days.
15904 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15906 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15907 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15908 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15910 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15913 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15916 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15922 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15926 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15927 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15930 As distinguished from some other bar.
15932 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15934 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15935 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15936 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15937 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15938 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15939 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15940 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15941 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15943 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15948 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15949 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15951 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15953 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15955 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15958 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15961 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15963 Disks travel in packs.
15965 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15966 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15968 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15969 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15972 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15975 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15976 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15978 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15979 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15980 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15982 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15983 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15984 -- Lord Chesterfield
15986 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15988 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15991 Do clones have navels?
15993 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15996 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
15998 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
16000 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
16002 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
16004 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16006 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
16008 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
16011 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
16012 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
16013 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
16014 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
16015 of them ever committed suicide.
16016 -- Henry David Thoreau
16018 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
16019 Their tastes may not be the same.
16020 -- George Bernard Shaw
16022 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
16024 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
16027 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
16029 "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
16032 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
16033 for they become soggy and hard to light.
16035 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
16036 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
16038 Do not overtax your powers.
16040 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
16041 Violators will be prosecuted.
16042 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
16044 Do not seek death; death will find you.
16045 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
16046 -- Dag Hammarskjold
16048 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
16050 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
16052 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
16054 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
16055 learn to dread each day as it comes.
16058 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
16060 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
16062 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
16064 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
16066 Do not worry about which side your
16067 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
16069 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
16071 Do, or do not; there is no try.
16073 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
16075 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
16077 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
16079 Do unto others before they undo you.
16081 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
16083 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
16084 -- Aleister Crowley
16086 Do what you can to prolong your life,
16087 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
16089 Do you believe in intuition?
16090 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
16092 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
16093 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
16094 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
16095 Can you see your neck?
16096 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
16097 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
16098 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
16099 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
16102 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
16104 Do you have lysdexia?
16106 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
16108 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
16109 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
16110 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
16111 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
16112 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
16113 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
16117 Do you know Montana?
16119 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
16120 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
16123 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
16124 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
16127 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
16128 between Nixon and the White House.
16129 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
16131 Do you suffer painful elimination?
16132 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
16134 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
16135 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
16137 Do you suffer painful illumination?
16138 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
16140 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
16141 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
16143 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
16145 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
16146 just whipped out a quarter?
16149 "Do you think there's a God?"
16150 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
16151 -- Calvin and Hobbs
16153 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
16154 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
16156 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
16157 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
16158 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
16159 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
16160 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
16161 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
16163 Do your otters do the shimmy?
16164 Do they like to shake their tails?
16165 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
16166 Is your garden full of snails?
16168 Do your part to help preserve life on
16169 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
16171 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
16172 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
16173 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
16176 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
16179 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
16180 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
16183 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
16184 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
16186 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
16187 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
16188 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
16189 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
16190 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
16192 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
16194 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
16196 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
16197 and the rest of us.
16199 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
16201 Doing gets it done.
16204 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
16206 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
16207 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
16208 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
16209 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
16210 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
16211 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
16212 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
16214 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16216 Don't abandon hope.
16217 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
16219 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
16222 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
16223 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
16224 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
16225 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
16227 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
16230 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
16232 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
16234 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
16236 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
16238 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
16240 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
16243 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
16245 Don't confuse things that need action
16246 with those that take care of themselves.
16248 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
16250 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
16251 -- Firesign Theatre
16253 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
16255 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
16258 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
16259 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
16261 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
16263 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
16264 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
16266 Don't eat yellow snow.
16268 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
16270 Don't everyone thank me at once!
16273 Don't expect people to keep in step--
16274 it's hard enough just staying in line.
16276 Don't feed the bats tonight.
16278 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
16281 Don't get even, get odd.
16283 Don't get mad, get even.
16284 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
16286 Don't get even, get jewelry.
16289 Don't get mad, get interest.
16291 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
16293 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
16294 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
16297 Don't get to bragging.
16299 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
16300 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
16303 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
16305 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
16308 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
16310 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
16312 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
16314 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
16316 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
16320 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
16322 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
16323 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
16325 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
16327 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
16329 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
16331 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
16332 Probably soon after she throws me out.
16334 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
16335 until you have hold of something else.
16336 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
16338 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
16339 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
16340 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
16341 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16342 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
16343 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
16344 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
16346 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
16348 Don't let your status become too quo!
16350 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
16352 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
16354 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
16360 Your brains are in it.
16363 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
16365 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
16366 -- Scottish Proverb
16368 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
16370 Don't plan any hasty moves.
16371 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
16373 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
16374 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
16376 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
16377 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16379 Don't quit now, we might just as well
16380 lock the door and throw away the key.
16382 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
16384 Don't read everything you believe.
16386 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
16388 Don't remember what you can infer.
16391 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
16392 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
16394 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
16396 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
16397 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
16399 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
16401 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
16403 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
16405 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
16409 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
16411 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
16414 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
16417 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
16418 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
16420 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
16422 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
16425 Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
16427 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
16428 sodomy and the lash.
16429 -- Winston Churchill
16431 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
16433 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
16436 "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
16439 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
16440 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
16441 -- Watchman Examiner
16443 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
16445 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
16448 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
16449 with my breakfast cereal.
16450 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
16452 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
16454 Don't wake me up too soon...
16455 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
16458 Don't worry. Life's too long.
16459 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
16461 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
16463 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
16465 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
16467 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
16468 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
16471 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
16472 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
16475 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
16478 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
16479 you can always take something for it.
16481 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
16482 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
16484 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
16486 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
16488 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
16489 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
16490 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
16491 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
16493 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
16494 want to help you could agree with each other?
16496 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
16498 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
16499 you through times of no dope.
16502 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
16503 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
16504 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
16505 -- The Wizard of Oz
16509 Double Bucky, you're the one,
16510 You make my keyboard so much fun,
16511 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
16512 Control and meta, side by side,
16513 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
16514 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
16516 Oh, I sure wish that I,
16517 Had a couple of bits more!
16518 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
16520 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
16521 OR'd together, outta sight!
16522 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
16523 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
16524 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
16525 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
16526 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
16527 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
16529 double-blind Experiment, n:
16530 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
16531 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
16532 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
16534 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
16537 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
16540 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
16541 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
16543 Down to the Banana Republics,
16544 Down to the tropical sun.
16545 Go the expatriated Americans,
16546 Hoping to find some fun.
16547 Some of them go for the sailing,
16548 Caught by the lure of the sea.
16549 Trying to find what is ailing,
16550 Living in the land of the free.
16551 Some of them are running from lovers,
16552 Leaving no forward address.
16553 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
16554 Some are running from the IRS.
16555 Late at night you will find them,
16556 In the cheap hotels and bars.
16557 Hustling the senoritas,
16558 While they dance beneath the stars.
16559 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
16561 Down with the categorical imperative!
16564 In a hierarchical organization,
16565 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
16567 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
16568 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
16569 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
16570 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
16572 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
16574 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
16576 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
16577 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
16578 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
16579 luxury that you never feel hungry.
16581 Here's how the diet works:
16584 First Month: One egg
16585 Second Month: A raisin
16586 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
16588 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
16589 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
16591 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
16594 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
16596 Draft beer, not people.
16598 Drakenberg's Discovery:
16599 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
16600 it's probably because you don't have them on.
16602 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
16604 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
16606 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
16608 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
16609 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
16610 lands directly in front of your eyes.
16612 Drilling for oil is boring.
16614 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
16615 Love, the reeling midnight through
16616 For tomorrow we shall die!
16617 (But, alas, we never do.)
16618 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
16620 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
16622 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
16623 instant motor skills.
16626 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
16629 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
16630 with, that it's compounding a felony.
16633 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
16634 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
16635 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
16637 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
16639 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
16640 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
16641 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
16644 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
16645 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
16646 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
16647 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
16648 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
16653 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
16656 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
16660 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
16663 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
16665 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
16670 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
16671 yourself as part of the problem.
16673 Ducharme's Precept:
16674 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
16678 Ducks? What ducks??
16680 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
16681 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
16684 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
16685 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
16687 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
16688 fate and captain of your soul.
16690 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
16693 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
16695 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
16696 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
16697 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
16698 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
16701 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
16702 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
16704 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
16706 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
16707 perform as president?"
16708 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
16711 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
16712 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
16713 and fly your colors proudly.
16715 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
16716 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
16717 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
16720 What one expects from others.
16723 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
16724 nothing whatever to do with it.
16725 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
16727 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
16728 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
16730 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
16737 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
16739 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
16742 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
16743 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
16744 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
16745 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
16746 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
16747 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
16748 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
16749 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
16750 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
16751 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
16752 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
16753 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
16754 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
16755 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
16756 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
16757 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
16759 Each of us bears his own Hell.
16760 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
16762 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
16763 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
16764 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
16765 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
16767 Each person has the right to take the subway.
16770 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
16771 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
16772 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
16776 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
16777 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
16779 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
16783 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
16784 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
16785 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
16787 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
16789 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
16790 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
16791 21st century aircraft:
16793 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
16794 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
16795 pilot if he touches anything.
16796 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
16798 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
16799 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
16801 Early to rise and early to bed makes
16802 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
16805 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
16807 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
16809 /earth: file system full.
16811 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
16813 Earth is a beta site.
16815 "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
16818 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
16819 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
16820 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
16821 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
16822 means the puzzle is solved.
16823 -- Steve Rubenstein
16825 Easy come and easy go,
16826 some call me easy money,
16827 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
16828 and sometimes it ain't funny
16829 You may think that I'm a fool
16830 and sometimes that is true,
16831 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
16832 with or without you.
16835 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
16836 -- Harry Secombe's diet
16838 Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
16840 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
16842 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
16844 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
16845 will happen to you the rest of the day.
16847 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
16849 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
16851 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
16853 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
16855 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
16856 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
16859 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
16860 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16862 Economies of scale:
16863 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
16864 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
16865 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
16866 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
16867 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
16871 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
16872 personality to become an accountant.
16874 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
16875 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
16878 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
16879 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
16880 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
16882 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
16885 Editing is a rewording activity.
16887 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
16888 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
16889 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
16891 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
16892 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
16893 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
16895 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
16896 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
16898 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
16901 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
16904 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
16905 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
16906 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
16907 royal-blue chickens.
16908 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
16910 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
16911 -- Bullwinkle Moose
16913 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
16916 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
16917 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
16918 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
16919 the "nog" comes from.
16921 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
16924 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16926 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16927 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16930 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16933 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16937 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16938 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16940 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16942 Ehrman's Commentary:
16943 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
16944 2. Who said things would get better?
16946 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
16947 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
16949 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16950 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16953 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16954 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16958 Eisenhower was very nice,
16959 Nixon was his only vice.
16962 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16963 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16966 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16967 armrest in a movie theatre.
16968 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16971 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16973 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16974 make the machine do some more.
16977 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16978 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16981 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16983 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16987 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16988 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16989 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16990 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16994 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16995 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16996 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16998 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
17000 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
17001 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
17002 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
17003 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
17004 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
17005 the faint of heart.
17006 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
17007 Cut into squares and enjoy!
17010 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
17011 children under eight years of age.
17013 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
17016 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
17018 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
17022 A mouse built to government specifications.
17024 Elevators smell different to midgets.
17026 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
17027 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
17028 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
17029 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
17030 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
17031 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
17032 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
17033 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
17035 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
17036 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
17037 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
17038 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
17039 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
17041 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
17044 The feel of a kiss.
17046 Eloquence is logic on fire.
17048 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
17049 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
17052 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
17054 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
17055 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
17056 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
17059 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
17060 Son knows everything.
17062 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
17063 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
17064 and tell them your house is being burgled.
17065 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
17067 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
17068 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
17069 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
17071 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
17073 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
17074 And here, find rest.
17076 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
17077 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
17078 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
17079 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
17081 Engineering: "How will this work?"
17082 Science: "Why will this work?"
17083 Management: "When will this work?"
17084 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
17086 English literature's performing flea.
17087 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
17090 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
17091 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
17092 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
17093 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
17094 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
17095 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
17096 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
17097 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
17098 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
17099 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
17101 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
17102 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
17105 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
17107 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
17109 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
17112 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
17113 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
17115 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
17117 Entropy requires no maintenance.
17120 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
17124 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
17125 instead of having to try and acquire one.
17127 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
17128 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
17132 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
17133 something his wife can beat him at.
17135 Equal bytes for women.
17137 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
17138 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
17140 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
17141 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
17143 Error in operator: add beer
17145 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
17146 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
17147 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
17148 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
17149 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
17151 Eschew obfuscation.
17153 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
17154 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
17156 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
17158 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
17161 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
17164 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
17165 fashion for those with no taste.
17168 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
17169 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
17170 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
17171 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
17175 Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen;
17176 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
17179 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
17180 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
17181 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
17182 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
17183 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
17184 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
17185 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
17186 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
17187 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
17188 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
17189 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
17191 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
17196 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
17198 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
17200 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
17202 Even a man who is pure at heart,
17203 And says his prayers at night
17204 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
17205 And the moon is full and bright.
17206 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
17208 Even God cannot change the past.
17211 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
17214 Even if you do learn to speak correct
17215 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
17218 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
17221 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
17224 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
17225 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
17226 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
17227 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
17228 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
17229 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
17230 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
17231 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
17232 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
17233 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
17234 A fairer summer and a later fall
17235 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
17236 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
17237 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
17238 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
17239 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
17241 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
17243 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
17244 just a bit unchivalrous...
17247 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
17248 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
17250 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
17251 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
17254 Events are not affected, they develop.
17257 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
17259 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
17260 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
17262 Ever get the feeling that the world's
17263 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
17266 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
17267 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
17269 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
17270 Simple coincidence?
17273 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17274 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
17275 We're big but bigger we will be,
17276 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
17278 Our products now are known in every zone.
17279 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
17280 We've fought our way thru
17281 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
17282 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17283 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17285 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
17286 We're bound for the top to never fall,
17287 Right here and now we thankfully
17288 Pledge sincerest loyalty
17289 To the corporation that's the best of all
17290 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
17291 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
17292 So let us sing men -- Sing men
17293 Once or twice, then sing again
17294 For the Ever Onward IBM!
17295 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
17297 Ever since I was a young boy,
17298 I've hacked the ARPA net,
17299 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
17300 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
17301 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
17302 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
17303 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
17304 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
17305 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17306 Sure sends a mean packet.
17307 He's a UNIX wizard,
17308 There has to be a twist.
17309 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
17310 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
17311 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
17312 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
17313 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
17314 The proper bit flags set,
17315 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
17316 Sure sends a mean packet.
17319 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
17320 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
17321 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
17322 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
17323 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
17324 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
17325 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
17326 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
17328 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
17330 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
17332 Because newspapers are read too.
17333 Two and Two is four.
17334 Four and four is eight.
17335 Eight and four is twelve.
17336 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
17337 Queen Mary was a ruler.
17338 Queen Mary was a ship.
17339 Ships sail the sea.
17340 There are fishes in the sea.
17342 The Fins fought the Russians.
17344 Fire engines are always rush'n.
17345 Therefore fire engines are red.
17347 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
17348 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
17349 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
17350 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
17351 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
17352 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
17353 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
17354 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
17355 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
17356 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
17357 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
17358 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
17359 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
17360 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
17361 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
17363 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
17364 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
17366 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
17370 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
17372 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
17373 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
17375 Every cloud has a silver lining;
17376 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
17378 Every country has the government it deserves.
17379 -- Joseph De Maistre
17381 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
17383 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
17385 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
17388 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
17390 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
17391 woman and stop her.
17393 "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
17394 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
17395 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
17396 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
17397 highly-motivated, caustic twits."
17398 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
17400 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
17401 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
17402 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
17403 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
17404 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
17405 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
17406 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
17407 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
17409 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
17411 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
17412 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
17413 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
17414 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
17415 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
17416 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
17417 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
17418 color"], that does not exist.
17420 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
17421 -- Frank Moore Colby
17423 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
17425 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
17428 Every love's the love before
17430 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
17432 "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
17434 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
17435 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
17436 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
17437 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
17438 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
17439 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
17440 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
17441 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
17442 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
17443 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
17444 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
17446 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
17447 -- Miguel de Cervantes
17449 Every man takes the limits of his own field
17450 of vision for the limits of the world.
17453 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
17454 and powerful know that he is.
17455 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
17457 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
17458 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
17459 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
17460 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
17461 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
17462 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
17463 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
17465 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
17466 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
17469 "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
17470 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
17473 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
17474 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
17475 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
17476 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
17477 up, you'd better be running.
17479 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
17481 Every night my prayers I say,
17482 And get my dinner every day;
17483 And every day that I've been good,
17484 I get an orange after food.
17485 The child that is not clean and neat,
17486 With lots of toys and things to eat,
17487 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
17488 Or else his dear papa is poor.
17489 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
17491 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
17493 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
17495 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
17496 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
17499 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
17500 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
17501 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
17502 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
17504 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
17505 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
17506 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
17509 Every path has its puddle.
17511 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
17512 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
17513 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17515 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
17516 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
17517 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
17519 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
17520 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
17522 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
17524 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
17526 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
17527 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
17529 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
17530 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
17533 Every solution breeds new problems.
17535 Every successful person has had failures
17536 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
17538 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
17541 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
17543 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
17545 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
17547 Every time you manage to close the door on
17548 Reality, it comes in through the window.
17550 Every why hath a wherefore.
17551 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
17553 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
17556 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
17560 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
17561 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
17562 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
17563 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
17564 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
17565 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
17566 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
17567 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
17568 you're fired. As of right now."
17569 Sam signed the papers immediately.
17570 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
17571 couldn't have signed earlier?"
17572 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
17575 Everybody has something to conceal.
17578 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
17579 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
17581 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17584 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
17585 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
17586 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
17587 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
17589 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
17590 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
17593 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
17594 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
17596 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
17597 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
17598 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
17599 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
17601 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
17602 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
17603 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
17604 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
17605 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
17607 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
17610 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
17611 stop hacking and fall in love!
17613 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
17615 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
17616 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
17618 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
17620 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
17622 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
17625 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
17627 Everyone is in the best seat.
17630 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
17633 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
17634 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
17635 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
17636 wholly unconcerned with what ____
\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of
17637 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
17638 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
17639 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
17640 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
17641 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
17643 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
17645 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____
\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.
17647 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
17651 Everyone was born right-handed.
17652 Only the greatest overcome it.
17654 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
17655 1. They want it quick.
17656 2. They want it good.
17657 3. They want it cheap.
17658 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
17659 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
17661 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
17663 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
17665 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
17667 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
17669 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
17670 -- Alexander Woollcott
17672 Everything in this book may be wrong.
17673 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
17675 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
17676 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
17678 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
17679 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
17681 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
17682 that a belch is more satisfying.
17685 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
17686 something you know.
17687 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
17688 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
17690 Everything might be different in the present
17691 if only one thing had been different in the past.
17693 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
17694 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17696 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
17698 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
17701 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
17704 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
17705 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
17707 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
17709 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
17711 Everything you know is wrong!
17713 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
17714 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
17717 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
17718 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
17719 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
17720 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
17722 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
17724 Everything's great in this good old world;
17725 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
17726 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
17727 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
17728 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
17729 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
17730 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
17731 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
17732 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
17734 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
17735 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
17736 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
17737 -- Flannery O'Connor
17739 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
17740 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
17741 Everyone is looking for the answer,
17743 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
17745 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
17746 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
17749 Evolution is a million line computer
17750 program falling into place by accident.
17752 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
17753 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
17754 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
17755 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
17756 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
17757 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
17758 respect to theories about how the process operates.
17759 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
17761 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
17762 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
17765 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
17766 It is the only thing.
17767 -- Albert Schweitzer
17769 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
17770 Spike the office water cooler.
17772 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
17774 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
17776 Excellent time to become a missing person.
17778 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
17781 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
17782 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
17784 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
17785 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
17787 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
17790 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
17791 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
17792 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
17794 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
17795 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
17796 -- W. Somerset Maugham
17798 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
17800 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
17802 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
17805 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
17809 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
17811 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
17813 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
17814 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
17816 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
17818 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
17820 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
17822 Expedience is the best teacher.
17824 Expense accounts, n:
17825 Corporate food stamps.
17827 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
17828 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
17830 Experience is not what happens to you;
17831 it is what you do with what happens to you.
17834 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
17835 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
17838 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
17839 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
17841 Experience is what causes a person
17842 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
17844 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
17846 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
17847 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
17848 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
17850 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
17853 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
17857 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
17859 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
17861 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
17862 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
17863 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
17864 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
17865 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
17866 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
17867 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
17868 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
17869 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
17870 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
17871 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
17872 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
17873 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
17874 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
17876 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
17877 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
17878 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
17879 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
17880 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
17881 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
17882 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
17883 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
17884 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
17885 offer more plausible alternatives.
17886 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
17887 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
17889 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
17890 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
17892 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
17893 of justice is no virtue.
17896 F: When into a room I plunge, I
17897 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
17898 Then I linger, darkly brooding
17899 On the poison they're exuding.
17900 -- The Roguelet's ABC
17902 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
17904 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
17906 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
17908 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
17910 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
17912 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
17914 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
17917 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
17919 Facts are the enemy of truth.
17922 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17925 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17926 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17927 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17928 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17929 doesn't even shout at me."
17930 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17931 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17932 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17933 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17934 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17935 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17936 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17937 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17938 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17939 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17940 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17941 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17943 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17945 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17946 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17949 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17951 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17953 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17954 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17955 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17956 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
17958 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17959 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17961 Faith is under the left nipple.
17965 That quality which enables us to
17966 believe what we know to be untrue.
17969 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17970 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17971 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17974 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17975 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17976 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17977 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17978 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17979 good idea to check with your doctor.
17982 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17983 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17985 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17987 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
17989 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17990 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17993 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17994 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17997 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17999 Familiarity breeds attempt.
18001 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
18004 Families, when a child is born
18005 Want it to be intelligent.
18006 I, through intelligence,
18007 Having wrecked my whole life,
18008 Only hope the baby will prove
18009 Ignorant and stupid.
18010 Then he will crown a tranquil life
18011 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
18015 Conspicuously miserable.
18021 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
18022 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
18023 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
18024 4: We won't need reservations.
18025 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
18026 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
18027 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
18028 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
18031 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
18032 (2) "You and what army?"
18033 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
18036 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
18037 forgotten your aim.
18038 -- George Santayana
18040 "Fantasies are free."
18041 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
18043 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
18044 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
18046 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
18047 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
18048 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
18049 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
18050 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
18051 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
18052 was the Empire forged.
18053 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18055 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
18057 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
18058 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
18059 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
18060 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
18061 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
18062 are a pretty neat idea ...
18063 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
18065 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
18066 stressful than divorce.
18067 -- Wall Street Journal
18069 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
18070 it every six months.
18073 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
18076 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
18078 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
18081 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
18084 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
18086 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
18088 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
18089 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
18091 Fats Loves Madelyn.
18093 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
18094 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
18095 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
18098 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
18100 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
18101 -- Hunter S. Thompson
18103 Fear is the greatest salesman.
18107 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
18108 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
18109 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
18110 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
18111 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
18113 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
18114 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
18117 Feel disillusioned?
18118 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
18120 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
18123 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
18124 An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature.
18125 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
18126 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
18127 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
18128 A singular development of cat communications
18129 That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
18130 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
18131 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
18132 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
18133 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
18134 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
18135 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
18136 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
18137 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
18138 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
18139 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
18141 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
18142 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
18143 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
18144 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
18145 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
18146 yours to the bottom of the list.
18148 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
18149 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
18150 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
18151 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
18152 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
18153 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
18154 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
18156 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
18159 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
18162 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
18163 of car fenders during snowstorms.
18164 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18166 Ferguson's Precept:
18167 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
18169 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
18170 didn't have any children, neither will you.
18172 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
18173 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
18174 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
18175 basic difference between robots and humans?
18176 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
18177 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
18178 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
18180 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
18184 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
18186 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
18187 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18188 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
18189 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
18190 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
18192 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
18193 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
18195 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
18197 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
18198 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
18199 there is nothing important to do.
18201 Fifty flippant frogs
18202 Walked by on flippered feet
18203 And with their slime they made the time
18206 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
18210 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
18213 Throwing your wait around.
18215 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
18216 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
18219 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
18221 Finagle's Eighth Law:
18222 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18224 Finagle's Ninth Law:
18225 No matter what results are expected,
18226 someone is always willing to fake it.
18228 Finagle's Tenth Law:
18229 No matter what the result someone
18230 is always eager to misinterpret it.
18232 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
18233 No matter what occurs, someone believes
18234 it happened according to his pet theory.
18236 Finagle's First Law:
18237 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
18239 Finagle's First Law:
18240 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
18242 Finagle's Second Law:
18243 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
18245 Finagle's Fourth Law:
18246 Once a job is fouled up,
18247 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
18249 Finagle's Fifth Law:
18250 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
18252 Finagle's Sixth Law:
18253 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
18255 Finagle's fourth Law:
18256 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
18259 Finagle's Second Law:
18260 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
18261 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
18262 happened according to his own pet theory.
18264 Finagle's Seventh Law:
18265 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
18267 Finagle's Third Law:
18268 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
18269 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
18272 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
18273 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
18274 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
18277 Perfection is finality.
18278 Nothing is perfect.
18279 There are lumps in it.
18281 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
18283 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
18285 Fine day for friends.
18288 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
18290 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
18293 Functionality breeds Contempt.
18295 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
18297 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
18299 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
18302 Baffled Greek, Michigan
18305 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18307 First, a few words about tools.
18309 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
18310 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
18311 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
18312 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
18313 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
18314 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
18315 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
18317 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
18318 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
18321 First Law of Bicycling:
18322 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
18324 First law of debate:
18325 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
18327 First Law of Procrastination:
18328 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
18329 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
18332 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
18333 Celibacy is not hereditary.
18335 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
18336 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
18337 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
18339 First Rule of History:
18340 History doesn't repeat itself --
18341 historians merely repeat each other.
18343 First rule of public speaking.
18344 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
18346 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
18348 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
18349 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
18351 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
18352 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
18353 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
18354 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
18355 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
18356 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
18357 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
18358 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
18359 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
18360 another phone booth.
18361 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
18362 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
18363 released it, too, in the scrub.
18364 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
18365 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
18366 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
18367 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
18368 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
18370 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
18372 "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
18373 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
18375 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
18376 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
18377 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
18378 trees to prove their manhood.
18382 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
18383 promoted managers are kept for observation.
18385 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
18388 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
18391 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
18394 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
18395 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
18396 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
18397 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
18398 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
18399 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
18400 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18401 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
18402 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
18403 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
18404 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
18405 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
18406 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
18407 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
18408 Yes, and goin' insane,
18409 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
18410 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
18412 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
18414 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
18415 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
18416 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
18417 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
18418 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
18419 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
18420 Irish Political History".
18422 Five rules for eternal misery:
18423 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
18424 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
18425 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
18426 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
18427 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
18428 how much better things might have been or how much worse
18429 things might become).
18430 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
18431 follow the first four rules.
18437 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
18438 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18440 Flappity, floppity, flip
18441 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
18442 The strip revolved,
18443 The mouse dissolved
18444 In a chronodimensional skip.
18447 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
18448 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
18450 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
18453 Flattery will get you everywhere.
18455 Flee at once, all is discovered.
18457 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
18461 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
18462 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
18464 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
18465 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
18468 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
18469 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
18471 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
18472 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
18474 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
18475 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
18478 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
18479 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
18480 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
18481 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
18482 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
18484 flowchart, n. & v.:
18485 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
18486 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
18487 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
18488 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
18489 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
18490 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
18491 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
18492 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
18493 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
18494 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
18495 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
18496 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
18499 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
18500 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
18502 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
18504 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
18505 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
18507 Flying saucers on occasion
18508 Show themselves to human eyes.
18509 Aliens fume, put off invasion
18510 While they brand these tales as lies.
18513 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
18514 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
18515 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
18517 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
18518 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
18519 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
18520 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
18522 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
18523 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
18525 Foolproof Operation:
18526 No provision for adjustment.
18528 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
18530 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
18531 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
18533 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
18534 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
18535 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
18537 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
18540 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
18542 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
18544 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
18546 For a light heart lives long.
18547 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
18549 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
18552 For adult education nothing beats children.
18554 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
18555 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
18556 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
18557 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
18558 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
18559 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
18560 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
18561 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
18563 "For an adequate time call 555-3321"
18565 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
18566 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
18568 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
18571 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
18573 For courage mounteth with occasion.
18574 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
18576 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
18579 For every bloke who makes his mark,
18580 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
18583 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
18587 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
18590 For every human problem, there is a neat,
18591 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
18594 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
18595 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
18596 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
18597 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
18598 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
18599 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
18600 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
18601 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
18603 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
18605 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
18609 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
18618 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
18620 For good, return good.
18621 For evil, return justice.
18623 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
18624 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
18626 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
18627 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
18628 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
18630 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
18631 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
18632 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
18633 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
18634 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
18635 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
18636 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
18639 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
18641 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
18642 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
18645 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
18646 get themselves filed.
18649 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
18650 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18653 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
18654 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
18655 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
18656 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
18657 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
18658 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
18659 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
18660 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
18661 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
18662 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
18663 ("part of this complete breakfast").
18664 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
18666 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
18667 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
18668 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
18669 and bad music may be put on record forever.
18670 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
18672 For people who like that kind of book,
18673 that is the kind of book they will like.
18675 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
18676 (1) Be content with what you've got.
18677 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
18680 Parachute. Used once.
18681 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
18683 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
18684 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
18685 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
18687 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
18689 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
18690 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
18691 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
18694 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
18695 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
18697 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
18699 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18700 referring to system overview.]
18703 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
18704 This gives me great hope for the human race.
18707 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
18709 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
18710 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
18712 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
18713 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
18714 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
18716 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
18717 referring to powerfail recovery.]
18719 For they starve the frightened little child
18720 Till it weeps both night and day:
18721 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
18722 And gibe the old and grey,
18723 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
18724 And none a word may say.
18726 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
18727 Is a foul and dark latrine,
18728 And the fetid breath of living Death
18729 Chokes up each grated screen,
18730 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
18731 In Humanity's machine.
18733 And all men kill the thing they love,
18734 By all let this be heard,
18735 Some do it with a bitter look,
18736 Some with a flattering word,
18737 The coward does it with a kiss,
18738 The brave man with a sword.
18741 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
18742 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
18743 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
18744 spend my evenings?"
18747 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
18748 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
18749 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
18752 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
18753 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
18755 8 oz. shredded suet
18757 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
18759 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
18760 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
18761 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
18762 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
18763 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
18764 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
18765 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
18766 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
18767 four to five hours.
18769 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
18772 For three days after death hair and fingernails
18773 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
18776 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
18777 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
18778 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
18781 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
18783 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
18784 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
18785 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
18786 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
18787 -- Justin Richardson.
18789 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
18791 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
18794 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
18795 "That definition's just."
18796 The boy said naught but thought instead,
18797 Remembering his pounded head:
18798 "Force is not might but must!"
18801 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
18802 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
18804 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
18807 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
18808 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
18810 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
18813 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
18814 their destitution of conscience.
18816 Forgive and forget.
18820 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
18823 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
18824 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
18827 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
18830 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
18832 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
18836 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
18837 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
18839 [What's good about it? Ed.]
18841 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
18843 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
18844 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
18847 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
18850 FORTRAN rots the brain.
18853 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
18854 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
18855 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
18856 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
18858 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
18859 probably for at least the next decade.
18862 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
18864 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
18865 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
18866 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
18867 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
18868 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
18869 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
18870 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
18871 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
18872 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
18875 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
18878 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
18880 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
18881 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
18882 my dissertation to rhyme.
18884 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
18887 A: No, He's a mythter.
18889 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
18891 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
18893 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
18896 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
18897 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
18898 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
18901 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
18902 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
18903 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
18904 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
18908 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
18909 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
18912 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
18915 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
18916 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
18918 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
18919 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
18920 she will get on with her life.
18921 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
18922 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
18923 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
18924 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
18925 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
18926 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
18927 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
18928 these classes rarely prove effective.
18930 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
18933 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
18934 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
18935 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
18938 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
18939 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
18940 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
18941 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
18942 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
18943 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
18944 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
18945 jerk, I guess you're OK."
18947 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18950 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18951 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18952 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18953 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18956 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18957 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18958 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18959 fixed without special tools".
18960 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18961 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18962 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18965 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18968 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18969 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18972 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18973 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18974 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18975 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18976 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18977 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18978 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18980 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18983 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18984 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18985 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18986 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18987 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18988 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18989 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18990 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18994 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18995 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18996 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18997 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18998 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18999 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
19000 price their policies accordingly.
19001 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
19002 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
19005 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
19008 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
19009 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
19010 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
19011 would not be able to identify most of these items.
19014 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
19015 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
19016 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
19017 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
19018 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
19019 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
19021 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
19024 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
19025 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
19026 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
19027 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
19030 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
19031 looking, men kick cats.
19034 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
19035 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
19036 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
19037 aware of some short people living in the house.
19039 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
19042 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
19043 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
19044 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
19045 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
19046 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
19047 the laundromat. This is a myth.
19050 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
19051 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
19052 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
19053 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
19056 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
19057 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
19058 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
19060 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
19063 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
19064 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
19065 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
19066 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
19067 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
19068 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
19070 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
19073 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
19074 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
19075 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
19076 Boardwalk property.
19078 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
19080 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
19082 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
19083 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
19084 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
19085 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
19086 With Julie Christie.
19088 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
19090 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
19091 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
19092 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
19095 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
19098 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
19099 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
19100 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
19101 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
19102 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
19104 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
19106 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
19107 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
19108 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
19109 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
19110 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
19111 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
19112 a glowing performance.
19114 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
19116 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
19117 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
19118 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
19119 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
19121 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
19123 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
19124 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
19125 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
19126 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
19127 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
19130 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
19132 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
19133 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
19134 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
19135 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
19137 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
19138 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
19139 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
19140 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
19141 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
19143 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
19145 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
19147 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
19148 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
19149 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
19151 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19153 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
19154 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
19155 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
19156 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
19157 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
19158 as that in support of an affirmative.
19159 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
19161 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19163 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
19164 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
19165 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
19168 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
19170 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
19171 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
19172 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
19173 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
19174 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
19175 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
19176 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
19178 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
19180 skilled oral communicator:
19181 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
19182 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
19184 skilled written communicator:
19185 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
19186 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
19189 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
19190 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
19191 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
19193 key company figure:
19194 Serves as the perfect counter example.
19196 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
19199 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
19200 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
19202 an excellent sounding board:
19203 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
19204 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
19206 a planner and organizer:
19207 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
19208 animal tags on his clothing.
19210 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
19212 has management potential:
19213 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
19214 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
19218 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
19222 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
19226 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
19229 Fortune favors the lucky.
19231 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
19233 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
19235 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
19237 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
19238 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
19239 Cowboy cheerleaders.
19241 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
19243 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
19244 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
19245 Juliet, this bud's for you.
19247 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
19249 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
19252 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
19254 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
19257 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
19259 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
19261 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
19263 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
19264 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
19266 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
19268 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
19270 fortune: No such file or directory
19275 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
19277 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
19278 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
19279 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
19280 renkontas. I've met.
19281 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
19282 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
19283 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
19284 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
19287 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
19289 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
19290 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
19291 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
19292 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
19293 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
19294 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
19297 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
19299 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
19301 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
19302 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
19303 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
19304 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
19305 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
19307 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
19309 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
19310 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
19311 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
19312 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
19314 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
19316 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
19317 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
19319 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
19321 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
19322 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
19324 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
19326 A: To be or not to be.
19327 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
19329 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
19331 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
19332 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
19334 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
19336 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
19337 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
19339 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
19341 A: Go west, young man, go west!
19342 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
19344 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
19346 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
19347 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
19349 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
19351 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
19352 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
19354 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
19356 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
19357 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
19359 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
19363 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
19364 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
19365 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
19366 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
19368 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
19369 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19370 make "heads or tails of all this"
19373 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
19374 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
19376 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
19377 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
19379 Oh, and have a nice day!
19380 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
19382 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
19384 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
19385 "Hey you, get off my plate"
19388 Fortune's current rates:
19392 Answers requiring thought .50
19393 Correct answers $1.00
19395 Dumb looks are still free.
19397 Fortune's diet truths:
19398 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
19399 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
19400 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
19401 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
19402 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
19403 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
19404 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
19405 appealing as tepid beer.
19406 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
19407 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
19408 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
19410 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
19411 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
19412 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
19413 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
19416 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
19418 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
19419 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
19420 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
19421 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
19422 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
19423 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
19424 you twitter around in your chair.
19425 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
19426 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
19427 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
19428 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
19429 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
19430 followed by one throw-up.
19431 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
19433 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
19436 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
19437 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
19438 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
19439 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
19440 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
19442 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
19443 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
19444 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
19445 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
19446 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
19447 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
19448 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
19449 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
19450 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
19451 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
19452 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
19453 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
19454 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
19455 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
19456 poothtick comes out crean.
19458 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
19459 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
19461 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19462 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
19463 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
19464 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
19465 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
19466 rather then a spotted one.
19467 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
19468 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
19469 legume-part of the pea family.
19470 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
19472 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19473 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
19474 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
19476 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
19477 Can you name the seven seas?
19478 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
19479 North Pacific, South Pacific.
19480 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
19481 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
19483 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
19484 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
19486 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
19488 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
19489 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
19490 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
19492 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
19493 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
19494 at least once a year.
19496 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
19498 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
19499 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
19501 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
19502 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
19503 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
19504 ability in that particular field."
19506 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
19508 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
19509 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
19511 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
19512 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
19514 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
19515 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
19516 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
19517 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
19519 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
19521 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
19522 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
19524 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
19526 Don't Write On Walls!
19530 You want I should type?
19532 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
19535 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
19536 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
19538 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
19540 if reality disappears?
19541 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
19542 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
19544 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
19545 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
19546 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
19547 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
19548 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
19549 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
19550 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
19551 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
19553 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
19555 if you get a phone call from Mars:
19556 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
19557 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
19558 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
19560 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
19561 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
19562 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
19563 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
19566 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
19567 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
19568 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
19569 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
19570 charges may have been reversed.
19572 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
19574 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
19575 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
19576 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
19577 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
19578 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
19579 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
19580 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
19582 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
19583 closet contains an alternate dimension?
19584 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
19585 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
19586 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
19587 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
19588 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
19590 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
19592 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
19594 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
19595 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
19596 combination of beauty and power. Few have
19597 excelled him in the use of the English language,
19598 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
19599 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
19600 single poem ever written."
19602 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
19603 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
19604 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
19605 bungling and greed of President
19608 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
19609 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
19611 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
19612 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
19613 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
19614 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
19615 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
19616 apply to female horses.
19618 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
19619 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
19620 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
19621 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
19622 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
19624 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
19625 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
19626 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
19627 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
19628 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
19629 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
19631 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
19632 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
19634 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
19636 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
19638 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
19640 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
19641 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
19642 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
19643 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
19645 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
19647 Q: Are you married?
19648 A: No, I'm divorced.
19649 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
19650 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
19652 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
19654 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
19655 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
19657 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
19659 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
19660 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
19663 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
19665 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
19666 A: I will be three months November 8th.
19667 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
19669 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
19671 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
19673 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
19675 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
19676 A: Picking them up in the air.
19677 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
19678 A: Attached to the ears.
19680 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
19682 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
19683 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
19684 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
19685 him to the station?
19686 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
19688 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
19690 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
19692 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
19694 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
19696 Q: What is your name?
19697 A: Ernestine McDowell.
19698 Q: And what is your marital status?
19701 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
19703 Q: What happened then?
19704 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
19706 Q: Did he kill you?
19709 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
19711 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
19712 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
19713 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
19714 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
19715 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
19716 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
19717 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
19718 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
19719 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
19720 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
19721 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
19723 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
19724 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
19725 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
19727 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
19729 Never goose a wolverine.
19731 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
19733 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
19735 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
19737 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
19738 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
19740 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19741 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19743 Three be the things I shall never attain:
19744 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
19746 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
19747 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
19750 Four be the things I'd been better without:
19751 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
19752 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
19754 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
19755 tombstones, women and competitors.
19756 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
19758 Four hours to bury the cat?
19759 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
19761 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
19762 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
19763 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
19764 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
19766 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
19767 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
19768 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
19771 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
19772 study for that instructor's course.
19774 Fourth Law of Revision:
19775 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
19776 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
19779 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
19780 almost one, it is damn near zero.
19783 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
19786 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
19789 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
19790 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
19792 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
19793 -- A Yippie Proverb
19795 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
19797 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
19799 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
19801 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
19805 Did you know that successive security officers take
19806 control by beheading their predecessor?
19809 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
19811 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
19813 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
19816 Freedom is slavery.
19817 Ignorance is strength.
19821 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
19823 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
19824 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
19826 Fremen add life to spice!
19828 Fresco's Discovery:
19829 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
19831 Friction is a drag.
19834 Increased automation of clerical function
19835 invariably results in increased operational costs.
19837 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
19841 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
19843 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
19845 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
19846 Let me clue you in;
19847 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
19848 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
19849 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
19850 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
19851 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
19852 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
19853 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
19854 So are they all, all cool cats, --
19855 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
19857 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
19861 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
19862 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
19866 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
19867 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
19868 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
19869 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
19870 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
19871 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
19872 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
19873 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
19874 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
19875 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
19877 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
19878 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
19879 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
19880 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
19881 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
19882 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
19883 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
19884 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
19886 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
19887 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
19889 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
19890 That is the point that must be reached.
19893 From a Tru64 patch description:
19895 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
19897 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
19898 Association, in Rome]:
19900 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
19901 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
19902 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
19903 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
19904 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
19905 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
19906 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
19907 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
19908 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
19910 From dusk till dawn
19911 I gathered people and their crown
19912 Conquered the hearts of
19914 United the heads of
19916 When weaken your mind
19918 When tired of thinking
19920 My sons and descendants
19921 Don?t get exhausted in mind and thought and but get experienced.
19922 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
19924 From Italian tourist guide:
19926 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
19927 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
19929 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
19931 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
19934 From the crystal swirling waters,
19936 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
19937 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
19938 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
19939 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
19940 Your butt is on the menu
19941 And the check is in the mail.
19942 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
19944 From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
19946 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
19947 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
19948 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
19949 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
19950 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
19951 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
19952 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
19953 being nuts (unground)."
19955 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
19956 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
19957 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
19959 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
19962 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
19963 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
19964 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
19965 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
19966 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
19967 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
19968 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
19970 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
19971 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
19972 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
19974 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
19976 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19977 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19978 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19979 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19980 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19981 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19982 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19984 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19986 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19987 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19988 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19989 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19990 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19992 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19993 systems program at JPL
19995 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19996 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19997 experience in sound:
19999 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
20000 sound is normal for this type of connector.
20002 From too much love of living,
20003 From hope and fear set free,
20004 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
20005 Whatever gods may be,
20006 That no life lives forever,
20007 That dead men rise up never,
20008 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
20011 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
20012 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
20014 "Yes. They have more money."
20017 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
20020 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
20021 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
20024 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
20025 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
20026 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
20029 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
20030 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
20033 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
20034 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
20035 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
20040 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
20043 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
20044 even when you are the only person in line.
20045 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20047 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
20050 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
20051 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
20053 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
20055 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
20056 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
20058 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
20059 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
20060 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
20061 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
20062 that's your chance, my boy."
20064 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
20067 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
20068 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
20069 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
20071 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
20074 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
20075 stockings and desolating the country.
20076 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20078 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
20079 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
20080 -- Adventures of Asterix
20082 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
20084 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
20085 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
20086 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
20088 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
20089 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
20090 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
20091 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
20092 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
20093 individuals and then grow ...
20094 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
20095 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
20096 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
20097 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
20098 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
20099 think not, my friend, I think not.
20100 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20102 "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
20104 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20105 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
20106 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
20107 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
20108 in it today, either.
20110 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
20111 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
20112 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
20113 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
20116 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
20117 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
20118 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
20119 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
20120 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
20123 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
20124 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
20126 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20129 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
20130 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
20133 General notions are generally wrong.
20134 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
20136 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
20137 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
20141 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
20143 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
20144 and if you don't, why you should.
20147 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
20148 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
20149 all the right things to all the right people.
20151 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
20154 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
20155 -- Thomas Alva Edison
20160 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
20162 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
20164 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
20168 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
20172 Why he stays in the bottle.
20175 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
20176 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
20177 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
20178 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
20179 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
20180 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
20181 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
20182 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
20183 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
20184 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
20185 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
20186 confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
20187 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
20188 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
20189 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
20190 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
20191 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
20192 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
20193 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
20194 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
20195 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
20196 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
20197 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
20198 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
20201 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
20204 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
20205 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
20206 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
20208 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
20209 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
20210 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
20212 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
20213 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
20215 George Orwell was an optimist.
20217 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
20218 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
20221 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
20222 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
20223 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
20224 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
20225 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
20226 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
20227 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
20228 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
20229 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
20230 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
20231 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
20232 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
20233 gonna get on Labor Day."
20235 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
20236 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
20237 "And he didn't understand me."
20239 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
20240 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
20241 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
20242 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
20243 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
20244 much as to make the task totally impossible.
20246 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
20248 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
20251 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
20253 Getting into trouble is easy.
20254 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
20256 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
20257 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
20258 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
20259 of the American Bar Association
20261 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
20264 Following the rules will not get the job done.
20266 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
20268 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
20270 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
20271 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
20272 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
20273 Then we have them for a meal (...)
20275 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
20276 See them flying through the air (...)
20277 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
20278 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
20280 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
20281 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
20282 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
20283 Of the blood of little critters (...)
20285 Gilbert's Discovery:
20286 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
20287 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
20289 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
20290 of him the harpers sadly sing;
20291 the last whose realm was fair and free
20292 between the Mountains and the Sea.
20294 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
20295 his shining helm afar was seen;
20296 the countless stars of heaven's field
20297 were mirrored in his silver shield.
20299 But long ago he rode away,
20300 and where he dwelleth none can say;
20301 for into darkness fell his star
20302 in Mordor where the shadows are.
20306 Ginsberg's Theorem:
20308 2. You can't break even.
20309 3. You can't even quit the game.
20311 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
20313 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
20314 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
20317 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
20318 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
20319 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
20322 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
20323 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
20325 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
20327 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
20328 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
20331 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
20332 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
20334 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
20336 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
20337 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
20339 Give him an evasive answer.
20341 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
20342 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
20344 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
20345 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
20347 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
20349 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
20352 "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
20355 Give me libertines or give me meth.
20357 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
20358 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
20359 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
20360 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
20363 Give me your students, your secretaries,
20364 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
20365 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
20366 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
20367 I lift my disk beside the processor.
20368 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
20370 Give thought to your reputation.
20371 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
20375 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
20377 Give your very best today.
20378 Heaven knows it's little enough.
20380 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
20381 -- William Faulkner
20383 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
20384 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
20387 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
20389 Given sufficient time, what you put
20390 off doing today will get done by itself.
20392 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
20393 rather lie around. No contest.
20396 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
20397 car keys to teenage boys.
20400 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
20401 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
20402 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
20403 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
20406 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
20407 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
20409 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
20410 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
20411 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
20412 some useful work done.
20414 Gloffing is a state of mine.
20416 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
20417 fifth of dry red wine
20419 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
20423 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
20424 a few pieces of dried orange peel
20426 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
20427 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
20428 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
20429 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
20430 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
20431 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
20432 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
20433 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
20434 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
20438 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
20440 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
20442 Go ahead... make my day.
20445 Go ahead, make my day.
20448 Go away, I'm all right.
20449 -- H. G. Wells' last words.
20451 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
20452 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
20456 Go climb a gravity well.
20458 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
20460 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
20461 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20463 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
20464 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
20466 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
20467 be in owning a piece thereof.
20468 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
20470 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
20471 but quickly to their misfortunes.
20474 Go to a movie tonight.
20475 Darkness becomes you.
20477 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
20481 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
20482 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
20483 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
20486 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
20487 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
20488 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
20489 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
20492 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
20494 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
20498 Darwin's chief rival.
20500 God created a few perfect heads.
20501 The rest he covered with hair.
20504 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
20505 but many other things ceased as well.
20506 Woman was God's second mistake.
20509 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
20510 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
20512 God doesn't play dice.
20515 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
20516 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
20519 "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
20521 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
20522 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
20523 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
20524 would he lie about a thing like that?
20525 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20527 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
20529 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
20530 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
20532 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
20533 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
20534 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
20535 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
20536 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
20537 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
20538 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
20539 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
20541 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
20542 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
20543 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
20545 God help those who do not help themselves.
20548 God helps them that helps themselves.
20551 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
20553 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
20554 but by pains and contradictions.
20557 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
20559 God is a polytheist.
20568 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
20571 God is love, but get it in writing.
20574 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
20575 much less ambitious project.
20577 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
20579 God is real, unless declared integer.
20581 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
20582 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
20586 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
20589 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
20591 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
20593 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
20596 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
20598 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
20601 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
20604 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
20606 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
20609 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
20611 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
20613 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
20614 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
20615 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
20616 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
20617 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
20618 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
20621 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
20622 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
20623 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
20624 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
20625 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
20626 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
20629 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
20630 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
20631 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
20632 Won't ruin your whole day.
20633 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
20635 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20637 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
20638 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
20641 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
20643 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
20645 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
20649 God votes Republican.
20651 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
20655 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
20656 somebody moves the ends.
20658 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
20660 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
20661 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
20664 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
20665 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
20666 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
20667 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
20668 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
20670 Goldenstern's Rules:
20671 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
20672 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
20674 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
20675 eating before he bursts.
20678 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
20681 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
20682 (2) Time accelerates.
20683 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
20685 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
20686 -- by Margaret Mitchell
20688 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
20690 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
20693 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
20695 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
20696 -- by Ernest Hemingway
20698 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
20700 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
20703 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
20705 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
20707 Good advice is something a man gives
20708 when he is too old to set a bad example.
20709 -- La Rouchefoucauld
20711 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
20713 Good day for business affairs.
20714 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
20716 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
20718 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
20720 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
20722 Good day to deal with people in high places;
20723 particularly lonely stewardesses.
20725 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
20727 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
20728 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
20729 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
20730 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
20732 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
20734 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
20736 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
20737 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
20738 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
20739 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
20740 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
20742 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
20744 Good judgement comes from experience.
20745 Experience comes from bad judgement.
20748 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
20750 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
20751 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
20752 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
20754 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
20756 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
20758 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
20760 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
20762 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
20764 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
20767 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
20770 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
20773 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
20774 -- George Saunders' dying words
20776 Goodbye, cool world.
20778 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
20779 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
20780 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
20781 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
20782 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
20783 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
20784 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
20785 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
20787 Gordon's first law:
20788 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
20792 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
20794 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
20795 time travel, you never can tell."
20796 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
20799 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
20802 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
20804 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
20805 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
20809 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
20811 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
20812 I went out for a ride and never came back.
20813 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
20814 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
20816 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20817 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20818 Lay down your money and you play your part,
20819 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
20821 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
20822 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
20823 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
20824 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
20826 Everybody needs a place to rest,
20827 Everybody wants to have a home.
20828 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
20829 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
20830 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
20833 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
20836 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
20837 to complain about unstructured programmers.
20841 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
20842 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
20843 leaving the best part.
20845 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
20848 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
20849 -- John Updike, "Couples"
20851 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
20854 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
20855 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
20857 -- The Best of Will Rogers
20860 There is an exception to all laws.
20862 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
20863 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
20865 -- Princess Leia Organa
20868 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
20870 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
20872 Graduate students and most professors are
20873 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
20875 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
20877 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
20878 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
20879 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
20881 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
20882 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20884 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
20886 Graphics blind the eyes.
20887 Audio files deafen the ear.
20888 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
20889 Heuristics weaken the mind.
20890 Options wither the heart.
20892 The Guru observes the net
20893 but trusts his inner vision.
20894 He allows things to come and go.
20895 His heart is as open as the ether.
20898 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
20900 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
20904 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
20906 Gravity brings me down.
20908 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
20910 Gray's Law of Programming:
20911 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
20912 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
20914 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
20915 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
20917 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
20920 Great American Axiom:
20921 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
20923 Great minds run in great circles.
20925 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
20927 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
20928 place of residence.
20930 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
20932 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
20934 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
20936 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
20938 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
20941 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
20942 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
20945 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
20947 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
20948 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
20951 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
20953 Green's Law of Debate:
20954 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
20956 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
20957 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
20958 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
20959 of half of Common Lisp.
20962 Eighty percent of all people consider
20963 themselves to be above average drivers.
20965 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
20967 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
20968 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
20972 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
20974 Grig (the navigator):
20975 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
20979 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
20981 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
20982 Grig: That's the spirit!
20983 -- The Last Starfighter
20985 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
20986 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
20988 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
20989 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
20992 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
20993 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
20994 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
20995 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
20996 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
20997 maybe, but not in the House."
20999 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
21000 -- Maurice Chevalier
21002 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
21003 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
21004 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
21005 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
21006 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
21007 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
21008 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
21009 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
21010 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
21011 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
21012 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
21013 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
21014 universe while straddling a giant worm.
21017 Grub first, then ethics.
21021 A French chopping center.
21024 The probability of a given event
21025 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
21027 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
21029 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
21030 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
21031 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
21032 (2) The strength of the turbulence
21033 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
21036 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
21037 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
21038 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
21041 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
21042 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
21043 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
21046 A computer owner who can read the manual.
21049 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
21050 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
21051 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
21052 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
21053 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
21054 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
21055 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
21056 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
21058 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
21059 Slice him up before he slays you.
21060 Nothing makes you look a slob
21061 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
21062 -- The Roguelet's ABC
21064 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
21065 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
21066 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
21068 H. L. Mencken's Law:
21069 Those who can -- do.
21070 Those who can't -- teach.
21072 Martin's Extension:
21073 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
21075 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
21078 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
21079 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
21080 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
21081 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
21082 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
21083 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
21084 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
21086 Hacker's Fight Song
21088 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
21089 He's a guy with the happy knack!
21090 Never bungles, never shirks,
21091 Always gets his stuff to work!
21093 All take a drink (important!)
21095 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
21097 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
21098 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
21099 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
21100 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
21101 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
21102 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
21103 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
21104 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
21105 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
21106 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
21107 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
21108 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
21109 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
21111 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
21112 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
21113 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
21114 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
21115 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
21116 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
21117 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
21120 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
21121 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
21123 Hackers of the world, unite!
21125 Hacker's Quicky #313:
21126 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
21130 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
21132 "Had he and I but met
21133 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
21134 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
21135 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
21136 And killed him in his place.
21137 I shot him dead because --
21138 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
21139 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
21140 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
21141 No other reason why.
21142 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
21143 You shoot a fellow down
21144 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
21145 Or help to half-a-crown."
21148 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
21149 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
21150 -- Alfonso the Wise
21152 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
21153 referring to operating system initialization.]
21155 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
21156 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
21158 Hail to the sun god
21159 He's such a fun god
21162 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
21164 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
21165 a big enough majority in any town?
21166 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
21168 Hale Mail Rule, The:
21169 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
21170 one of the following:
21171 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
21174 (d) The letter you are answering.
21176 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
21177 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
21178 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
21179 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
21181 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
21183 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
21185 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
21186 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
21189 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
21190 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
21191 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
21192 the difference between life and death.
21193 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
21194 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
21195 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
21196 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21197 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21198 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21199 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
21200 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21201 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
21204 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
21205 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
21206 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
21207 difference between life and death.
21209 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
21210 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
21211 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
21212 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
21213 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
21214 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
21215 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
21218 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
21220 Hall's Laws of Politics:
21221 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
21222 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
21224 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
21225 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
21226 their own districts).
21229 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
21230 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
21231 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21234 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
21236 handshaking protocol, n:
21237 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
21238 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
21239 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
21241 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
21245 The wrath of grapes.
21248 Never attribute to malice
21249 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
21251 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
21252 There are never enough hours in a day,
21253 but always too many days before Saturday.
21255 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
21257 Happiness is a hard disk.
21259 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
21261 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
21264 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
21267 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
21269 Happiness is the greatest good.
21271 Happiness is twin floppies.
21273 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
21275 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
21278 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
21281 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
21283 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21286 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
21288 Happy feast of the pig!
21290 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
21293 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
21296 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
21299 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
21301 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
21302 -- Charlie McCarthy
21305 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
21307 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
21308 The Duke is fond of kittens
21309 He likes to take their insides out
21310 And use them for his mittens
21311 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
21313 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
21314 Advertising wondrous things.
21317 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
21318 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
21321 Harp not on that string.
21322 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21324 Harriet's Dining Observation:
21325 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
21326 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
21328 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
21329 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
21330 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
21332 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
21333 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
21334 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
21335 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
21336 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
21337 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
21338 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
21339 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
21340 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
21341 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
21343 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
21344 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
21345 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
21346 hadn't been carving that pie."
21347 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
21349 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
21350 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
21353 Harrison's Postulate:
21354 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
21357 All the good ones are taken.
21359 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
21360 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
21361 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
21362 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
21363 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
21364 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
21365 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
21366 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
21367 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
21368 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
21369 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
21370 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
21371 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
21372 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
21373 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
21376 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
21377 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
21378 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
21379 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
21380 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
21381 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
21382 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
21383 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
21384 just like Richard Nixon."
21385 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
21387 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
21388 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
21389 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
21390 with all that pep and vitality.
21392 Hartley's First Law:
21393 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
21394 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
21396 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
21397 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
21400 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
21403 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
21404 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
21405 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
21409 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
21410 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
21411 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
21412 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
21414 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
21415 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
21416 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
21417 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
21418 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
21422 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
21423 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
21424 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
21425 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
21426 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
21428 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
21430 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
21432 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
21433 "Yes; I don't have one."
21434 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
21435 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
21437 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
21438 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
21439 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
21440 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
21441 but a lot harder than it appears.
21443 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
21444 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
21445 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
21446 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
21447 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
21448 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
21454 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
21456 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
21457 -- "Night After Night", 1932
21459 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
21460 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
21462 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
21465 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
21466 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
21470 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
21472 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21474 Have a coke and a smile!
21479 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
21481 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
21482 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
21488 Have an adequate day.
21492 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
21495 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
21496 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
21497 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
21499 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
21500 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
21501 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
21503 Long live the revolution!
21506 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
21507 seriously, for they will shape you.
21510 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
21511 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
21512 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
21513 seventeen-year-old housewife's
21514 two-day-old cookbook?
21515 -- Richard Brautigan
21517 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
21519 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
21520 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
21521 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
21522 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
21524 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
21526 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
21527 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
21528 never find the time for play?
21530 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
21531 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
21532 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
21533 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
21534 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
21535 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
21536 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
21537 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
21539 Have you flogged your kid today?
21541 "Have you lived here all your life?"
21542 "Oh, twice that long."
21544 Have you locked your file cabinet?
21546 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
21547 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
21549 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
21550 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
21553 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
21555 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
21556 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
21558 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
21559 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
21560 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
21561 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
21563 How can you tell me you're lonely,
21564 And say for you the sun don't shine?
21565 Let me take you by the hand
21566 Lead you through the streets of London
21567 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
21569 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
21570 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
21571 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
21572 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
21574 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
21575 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
21576 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
21577 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
21578 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21579 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21581 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
21582 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
21583 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
21584 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
21585 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21587 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
21588 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
21589 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21590 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21591 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21592 Puttin' on the Ritz.
21594 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
21595 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
21596 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
21597 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
21598 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
21599 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
21600 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
21602 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
21604 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
21607 Having no talent is no longer enough.
21610 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
21611 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
21613 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
21616 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
21617 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
21618 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
21619 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
21622 "Hawk, we're going to die."
21623 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
21626 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
21627 It's not easy to play the clown
21628 when you've got to run the whole circus.
21630 He: Do you like Kipling?
21631 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
21633 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
21634 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
21637 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
21638 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
21641 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
21644 "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
21645 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
21647 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
21649 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
21650 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
21651 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
21653 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
21654 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21656 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
21657 finer than the staple of his argument.
21658 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
21660 "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
21662 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
21664 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
21665 perfectly delightful.
21668 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
21669 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
21670 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
21671 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21673 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
21676 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
21677 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
21680 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
21683 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
21684 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
21686 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
21687 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
21688 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
21689 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
21691 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
21694 He is considered a most graceful speaker
21695 who can say nothing in the most words.
21697 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
21699 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
21702 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
21705 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
21708 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
21710 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
21711 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
21713 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
21715 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
21716 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
21718 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
21719 -- Sir Richard Burton
21721 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
21722 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
21724 He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21726 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
21729 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
21732 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
21733 had fallen to the ground.
21734 -- The Book of Serenity
21736 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
21738 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
21739 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
21740 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
21741 I must translate it otherwise.
21742 If I am well inspired and not blind.
21743 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
21744 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
21745 Lest you should write too hastily.
21746 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
21747 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
21748 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
21749 That my translation must be changed again.
21750 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
21751 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
21754 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
21755 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
21757 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
21758 -- Peter Stack, movie review
21760 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
21761 -- John Stark, movie review
21763 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
21764 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
21766 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
21767 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
21768 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
21770 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
21771 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
21773 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
21774 -- Scottish proverb.
21776 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
21779 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
21780 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
21782 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
21783 -- Benjamin Franklin
21785 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
21787 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
21788 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
21790 He thought he saw an albatross
21791 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
21792 He looked again and saw it was
21793 A penny postage stamp.
21794 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
21795 "The nights are rather damp."
21797 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
21798 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
21799 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
21800 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
21801 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
21802 -- Eric Van Lustbader
21804 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
21808 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
21810 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
21811 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
21812 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
21813 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
21814 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
21817 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
21820 "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
21823 He was part of my dream, of course --
21824 but then I was part of his dream too.
21827 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
21829 He was the sort of person whose personality
21830 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
21832 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
21834 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
21835 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
21836 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
21838 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
21839 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
21841 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
21842 the human condition is a fool.
21845 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
21846 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
21848 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
21851 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
21854 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
21856 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
21858 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
21860 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
21862 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
21864 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
21865 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
21866 -- Giacomo Leopardi
21868 He who hates vices hates mankind.
21870 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
21873 He who hesitates is last.
21875 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
21877 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
21879 He who invents adages for others to peruse
21880 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
21882 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
21884 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
21886 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
21888 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
21889 encounter many rivals.
21890 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
21892 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
21893 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
21894 senses until the day of judgement.
21897 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
21899 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
21902 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
21903 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
21904 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
21906 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
21907 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
21908 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
21909 he knows something. Or something like that.
21911 He who knows others is wise.
21912 He who knows himself is enlightened.
21915 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
21918 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
21921 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
21923 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
21925 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
21927 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
21929 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
21931 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
21933 He who laughs, lasts.
21935 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
21937 He who loses, wins the race,
21938 And parallel lines meet in space.
21939 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
21941 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
21944 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
21946 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
21947 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
21948 -- Sir Richard Burton
21950 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
21953 He who slings mud loses ground.
21956 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
21958 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
21960 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
21963 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
21966 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
21967 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
21968 education and culture.
21969 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
21971 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
21974 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
21976 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
21977 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
21981 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
21982 started chiseling on his wife?
21985 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
21986 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
21989 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
21990 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
21991 up a chopped libber?
21994 the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
21995 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
21998 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
21999 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
22003 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
22004 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
22005 typewriter's ribbon?
22007 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
22008 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
22010 Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
22011 One fortunate cookie...
22013 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
22014 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
22015 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
22017 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
22018 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
22020 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
22021 -- The Wizard of Oz
22023 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
22024 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
22025 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
22026 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
22029 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
22030 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
22032 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22034 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
22035 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
22038 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
22040 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
22042 Heisenberg may have been here.
22044 "Heisenberg may have slept here"
22046 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
22049 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
22050 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
22051 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
22053 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
22054 how are they supposed to know you care?
22056 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
22057 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
22060 Truth seen too late.
22063 The first myth of management is that it exists.
22065 Johnson's Corollary:
22066 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
22069 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
22070 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
22071 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
22073 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
22074 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
22075 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
22076 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
22077 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
22078 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
22080 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
22081 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
22082 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
22085 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
22087 Hell's broken loose.
22090 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
22092 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
22094 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
22096 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
22099 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
22101 Help fight continental drift.
22103 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
22105 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
22107 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
22109 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
22111 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
22112 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
22113 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
22114 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
22115 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
22116 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
22119 Her locks an ancient lady gave
22120 Her loving husband's life to save;
22121 And men -- they honored so the dame --
22122 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
22124 But to our modern married fair,
22125 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
22126 No stellar recognition's given.
22127 There are not stars enough in heaven.
22129 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
22130 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
22132 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
22134 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
22135 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
22136 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
22137 thousand times before
22138 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
22139 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
22141 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
22145 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
22146 All logged in, but work unstarted.
22147 First net.this and net.that,
22148 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
22150 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
22151 Then I turn back to net.flame.
22152 Is there a cure (I need your views),
22153 For someone trapped in net.news?
22155 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
22156 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
22158 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
22159 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
22160 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
22161 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
22163 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
22164 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
22165 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
22166 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
22168 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
22169 At whose beckoning history shook.
22170 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
22171 So I stay at home with a book.
22174 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
22175 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
22176 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
22177 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
22178 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
22179 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
22180 important electrical lesson.
22182 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
22183 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
22184 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
22185 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
22186 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
22187 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
22188 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
22190 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
22191 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
22192 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
22194 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
22196 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
22197 if you're alive, it isn't.
22199 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
22200 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
22201 marketing anxiety in China.
22203 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
22204 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
22206 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
22208 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
22209 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
22210 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
22211 satiric vistas do not open up.
22212 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
22214 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
22215 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
22218 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
22220 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
22221 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
22222 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
22224 Here there by tygers.
22226 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
22227 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
22228 around as if you're going to fall.
22229 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22231 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
22232 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
22235 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
22236 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
22238 * Governmental offices
22243 * Parts of Palm Beach
22245 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
22246 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
22249 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
22251 He's been like a father to me,
22252 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
22253 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
22254 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
22259 He's got the heart of a little child,
22260 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
22262 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
22264 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
22266 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
22267 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
22270 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
22271 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
22273 "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
22275 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
22276 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
22278 Hewett's Observation:
22279 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
22280 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
22281 peers similarly engaged.
22283 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
22286 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
22287 To get a little more stack;
22288 If that's not enough then you lose it all
22289 And have to pop all the way back.
22291 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
22292 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
22294 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
22295 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
22296 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
22297 these words were spoken.
22299 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
22302 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
22304 "How about an eye?"
22307 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
22308 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
22311 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
22312 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
22314 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
22315 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
22316 leave your name and message after the beep...
22318 Hi! How are things going?
22319 (just fine, thank you...)
22320 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
22321 (you just asked one...)
22322 Well, how about one more?
22323 (one more than the first one?)
22325 (you already asked that...)
22326 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
22327 May I ask two questions, sir?
22329 May I ask ONE then?
22331 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
22333 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
22334 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
22335 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
22336 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
22338 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
22339 (go right ahead...)
22341 "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
22342 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
22343 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
22344 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
22345 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
22346 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
22347 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
22348 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
22350 "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
22351 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
22352 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
22354 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
22355 You wanna help on the audit now?
22357 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
22358 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
22359 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
22361 Hickery Dickery Dock,
22362 The mice ran up the clock,
22363 The clock struck one,
22364 The others escaped with minor injuries.
22366 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
22370 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
22372 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
22373 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
22374 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
22375 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
22376 We buried him today because
22377 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
22378 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
22379 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
22380 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
22385 Ruffled the critics by
22386 Dropping this bomb:
22387 "Phooey on Freud and his
22389 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
22392 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
22393 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
22395 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
22397 High heels are a device invented by a woman
22398 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
22400 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
22401 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
22402 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
22403 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
22404 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
22405 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
22406 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
22407 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
22408 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
22409 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
22410 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
22411 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
22412 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
22413 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
22414 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
22416 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
22419 A California innovation composed
22420 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
22422 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
22424 Hildebrant's Principle:
22425 If you don't know where you are going,
22426 any road will get you there.
22428 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
22429 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
22430 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
22431 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
22434 Hindsight is always 20:20.
22437 Hindsight is an exact science.
22440 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
22441 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
22442 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
22443 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
22445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22447 Hire the morally handicapped.
22449 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
22450 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
22451 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
22453 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
22456 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
22457 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
22459 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
22460 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
22461 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
22462 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
22463 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
22464 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
22465 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
22466 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
22467 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
22468 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
22469 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
22470 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
22471 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
22473 "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
22474 money, he went to Southern California."
22476 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
22478 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
22481 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
22483 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
22486 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
22488 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
22489 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
22490 continues to this day.
22493 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
22495 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
22496 of the Mexican revolution:
22498 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
22499 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
22500 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
22501 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
22502 army where he was then executed."
22504 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
22505 i.e. none to speak of.
22508 History is curious stuff
22509 You'd think by now we had enough
22510 Yet the fact remains I fear
22511 They make more of it every year.
22513 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
22514 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
22517 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
22519 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
22520 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
22522 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
22524 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
22525 time as bedroom farce.
22527 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
22529 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
22530 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
22531 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
22532 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
22533 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
22534 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
22536 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
22537 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
22538 Pour my black old coffee longer,
22539 While that smell is gettin' stronger
22540 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
22542 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
22543 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
22544 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
22545 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
22546 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
22548 And let me halfway fall in love,
22549 For part of a lonely night,
22550 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22551 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
22552 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
22553 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
22556 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
22557 The stapler runs out of staples
22558 only while you are trying to staple something.
22560 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
22561 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
22562 used against the coloured.
22563 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
22566 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
22567 they will find an easier way to do it.
22569 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference between
22572 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd know
22573 the difference then."
22574 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
22576 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
22577 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
22579 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
22580 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
22581 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
22582 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
22583 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
22584 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
22585 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
22586 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
22587 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
22588 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
22589 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
22590 exist in a more fundamental sense.
22592 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
22593 Inside every large problem is a small
22594 problem struggling to get out.
22596 Hodie natus est radici frater.
22598 Hoffer's Discovery:
22599 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
22600 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
22603 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
22604 Hofstadter's Law into account.
22606 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
22607 Take a shot every time:
22609 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
22610 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
22611 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
22612 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
22613 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
22614 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
22615 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
22616 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
22617 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
22618 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
22619 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
22620 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
22621 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
22622 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
22623 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
22624 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
22625 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
22626 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
22627 plan is impossible.
22628 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
22631 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
22633 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
22636 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
22637 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
22639 Tune in again tomorrow:
22640 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
22644 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
22645 they have to take you in.
22646 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
22648 Home is where the hurt is.
22650 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
22651 cage is to a cockatoo.
22652 -- George Bernard Shaw
22654 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
22655 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
22658 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
22660 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
22663 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
22666 "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
22668 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
22671 Honesty's the best policy.
22672 -- Miguel de Cervantes
22675 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
22678 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
22680 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
22682 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
22685 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
22686 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
22687 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
22688 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
22690 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
22693 Hope is a waking dream.
22696 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
22699 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
22701 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
22704 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
22705 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
22708 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
22709 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
22711 Horngren's Observation:
22712 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
22714 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
22717 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
22720 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
22722 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
22724 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
22725 had towels from my house.
22728 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
22731 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
22732 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
22734 Housework can kill you if done right.
22737 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
22740 How apt the poor are to be proud.
22741 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
22743 How can you be in two places at once
22744 when you're not anywhere at all?
22746 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
22749 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
22750 -- Charles de Gaulle
22752 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
22755 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
22756 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
22757 in the waking state?
22760 How can you think and hit at the same time?
22763 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
22765 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
22767 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
22768 claim they'll make you?
22770 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
22772 How come we never talk anymore?
22774 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
22776 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
22777 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
22780 How could they think women a recreation?
22781 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
22782 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
22783 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
22784 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
22785 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
22786 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
22787 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
22788 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
22789 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
22790 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
22791 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
22792 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
22793 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
22794 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
22796 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
22797 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
22798 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
22799 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
22800 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
22801 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
22802 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
22803 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
22804 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
22805 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
22806 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
22807 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
22808 This I have done with my life, and am content.
22809 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
22810 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
22811 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
22813 "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
22815 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
22818 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
22819 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
22820 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
22821 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
22822 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
22823 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
22824 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
22825 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
22826 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
22827 examined his claws.
22828 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
22829 hers and not my own, not ever again."
22830 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
22832 How doth the little crocodile
22833 Improve his shining tail,
22834 And pour the waters of the Nile
22835 On every golden scale!
22837 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
22838 How neatly spreads his claws,
22839 And welcomes little fishes in,
22840 With gently smiling jaws!
22841 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
22843 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
22844 Improve its object code.
22845 And even as we speak does it
22846 Increase the system load.
22848 How patiently it seems to run
22849 And spit out error flags,
22850 While users, with frustration, all
22851 Tear their clothes to rags.
22853 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
22854 journalists, and they believe what they read.
22855 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
22857 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
22859 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
22860 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
22862 How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22863 None: "We'll fix it in software."
22865 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22866 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
22868 How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
22869 None: "The user can work it out."
22871 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
22872 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
22874 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
22875 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
22876 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
22877 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
22878 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
22879 cheese!" and so on.
22880 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
22882 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
22884 How many weeks are there in a light year?
22886 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
22888 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
22890 How much does she love you?
22891 Less than you'll ever know.
22893 How much for your women? I want to buy your
22894 daughter... how much for the little girl?
22895 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
22897 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
22899 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
22901 How often I found where I should be going
22902 only by setting out for somewhere else.
22903 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
22905 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
22907 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
22910 How to become a sysop:
22911 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
22912 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
22913 worked a full day in my life since then.
22916 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
22917 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
22919 How untasteful can you get?
22921 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
22923 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22924 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
22926 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22927 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
22929 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
22931 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
22934 How you look depends on where you go.
22937 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
22939 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
22940 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
22943 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
22944 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
22945 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
22946 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
22947 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
22948 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
22949 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
22950 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
22951 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
22952 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
22953 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
22954 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
22955 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
22956 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
22957 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
22958 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
22959 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
22960 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
22961 in the name of "conservatism."
22962 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
22964 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
22965 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
22966 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
22967 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
22968 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
22969 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
22970 -- Albuquerque Journal
22973 Don't take life too seriously;
22974 you won't get out of it alive.
22976 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
22978 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
22983 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
22985 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
22986 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
22987 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
22988 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
22989 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
22990 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
22992 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
22993 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
22995 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
22998 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
22999 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
23003 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
23006 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
23007 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23009 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
23011 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
23014 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
23017 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
23018 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
23019 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
23020 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
23021 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
23022 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
23023 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
23024 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
23025 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
23027 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
23029 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
23030 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
23031 All the king's horses,
23032 And all the king's men,
23033 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
23035 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
23037 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
23038 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
23039 to... to... uh.....
23041 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
23042 time, turns into people.
23046 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
23047 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
23049 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
23050 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
23052 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
23054 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
23056 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
23057 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
23059 -- Norman Augustine
23061 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
23062 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
23063 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
23064 terrifies people the most.
23067 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
23070 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
23073 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
23074 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
23076 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
23077 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
23078 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
23079 -- Richard M. Nixon
23081 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
23082 -- Richard M. Nixon
23084 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
23085 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
23086 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
23088 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
23091 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
23092 It is never any good to oneself.
23093 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
23095 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
23096 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
23098 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
23099 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
23100 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
23102 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
23105 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
23106 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
23107 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
23108 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
23109 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
23110 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
23111 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23112 And a cow. And a cow.
23114 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
23115 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
23116 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
23117 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
23118 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
23119 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
23120 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
23121 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
23122 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
23124 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
23125 person, you will not sell me another book.
23128 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
23130 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
23131 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
23132 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
23134 I am a deeply superficial person.
23137 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
23141 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
23142 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23144 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
23145 computer to be running Win98.
23146 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
23148 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
23149 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
23150 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
23152 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
23153 -- Winston Churchill
23155 "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
23156 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
23157 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
23158 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
23160 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
23162 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
23163 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
23164 is to suffer for others.
23167 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
23168 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
23169 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
23170 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
23172 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
23173 -- Katharine Whitehorn
23175 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
23176 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
23177 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
23180 "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
23181 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
23182 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
23183 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
23184 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
23185 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
23187 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
23188 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
23190 I am looking for a honest man.
23191 -- Diogenes the Cynic
23193 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
23200 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
23203 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
23204 -- William Allen White
23206 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
23209 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
23212 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
23215 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
23216 -- English Professor
23218 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
23219 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
23220 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
23221 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
23224 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
23225 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
23226 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
23228 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
23229 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
23230 -- Winston Churchill
23232 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
23233 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
23234 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
23236 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
23237 with an option to buy.
23239 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
23241 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
23243 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
23246 I am two with nature.
23249 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
23250 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
23253 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
23254 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
23255 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
23256 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
23257 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
23259 "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
23260 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
23261 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
23262 they don't even invite me."
23265 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
23266 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
23267 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
23268 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
23269 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
23270 them completely, even molding the keypads.
23271 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
23273 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
23274 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
23282 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
23285 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
23286 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
23287 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
23288 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
23289 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
23290 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
23291 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
23292 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
23293 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
23294 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
23295 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
23296 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
23298 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
23300 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
23301 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
23304 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
23305 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
23306 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
23307 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
23308 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
23309 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
23310 the people who might elect him.
23313 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
23314 -- G. K. Chesterton
23316 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
23319 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
23320 and everything else in the world is fixed.
23321 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
23323 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
23324 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
23325 total discrediting of the world of reality.
23328 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
23331 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
23334 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
23335 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
23336 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23338 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
23339 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
23340 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
23341 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
23342 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23344 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
23345 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
23346 a visit to a London veterans hospital
23348 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
23351 I brake for chezlogs!
23353 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
23354 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
23355 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
23356 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
23357 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
23358 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
23359 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
23360 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
23361 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
23362 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
23363 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
23364 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
23365 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
23366 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
23367 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
23370 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
23373 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
23374 They're still living in the fifties.
23377 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
23379 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
23380 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
23381 -- Firesign Theatre
23383 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
23385 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
23386 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
23387 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
23391 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
23392 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
23394 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
23397 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
23398 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
23401 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
23403 I can relate to that.
23405 "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
23406 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
23410 I can resist anything but temptation.
23412 I can see him a'comin'
23413 With his big boots on,
23414 With his big thumb out,
23415 He wants to get me.
23416 He wants to hurt me.
23417 He wants to bring me down.
23418 But some time later,
23419 When I feel a little straighter,
23420 I'll come across a stranger
23421 Who'll remind me of the danger,
23422 And then.... I'll run him over.
23423 Pretty smart on my part!
23424 To find my way... In the dark!
23427 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
23428 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
23431 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
23434 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
23435 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
23437 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
23438 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
23439 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
23441 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
23442 If it be man's work I will do it.
23444 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
23446 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
23447 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
23448 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
23449 United States would have lost World War II."
23450 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
23452 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
23455 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
23458 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
23459 -- Florence Henderson
23461 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
23464 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
23465 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
23466 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
23467 Your Socks Outside-in
23468 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
23469 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
23470 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
23471 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
23472 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
23473 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
23475 I can't mate in captivity.
23476 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
23478 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
23479 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
23482 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
23483 -- Albert Anastasia
23485 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
23486 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
23487 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
23488 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
23491 I can't understand it.
23492 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
23493 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
23495 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
23496 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
23499 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
23500 I'm frightened of the old ones.
23503 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
23504 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
23508 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
23509 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
23510 -- Michael Prichard
23512 I consider a new device or technology to have been
23513 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
23516 I consider the day misspent that I am not
23517 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
23518 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
23520 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
23521 dance with the cows till you come home.
23524 I could never learn to like her --
23525 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
23528 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
23530 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
23531 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
23534 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
23536 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
23537 I should have to believe in it in this one.
23540 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
23543 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
23544 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
23547 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
23549 "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
23551 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
23552 The curtain was up.
23554 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
23555 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
23557 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
23558 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
23559 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
23560 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
23561 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23563 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
23564 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
23565 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
23567 I do desire we may be better strangers.
23568 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
23570 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
23572 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
23573 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
23574 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
23575 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
23576 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
23577 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
23579 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
23581 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
23582 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
23583 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
23586 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
23587 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
23588 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
23589 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
23590 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
23591 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
23592 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
23593 Cardinals backed down and played.
23595 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
23598 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
23599 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
23602 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
23603 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
23605 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
23606 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
23607 comes nearest to it of any.
23608 -- Henry David Thoreau
23610 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
23611 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
23614 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
23615 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
23616 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
23617 devote it to research in mathematics.
23618 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
23620 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
23621 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
23625 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
23628 "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
23629 don't believe in astrology."
23630 -- James R. F. Quirk
23632 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
23633 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
23636 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
23637 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
23638 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
23640 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
23641 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
23642 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
23643 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23645 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
23646 -- Heard in Bethlehem
23648 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
23651 "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
23655 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
23656 deserve that either.
23659 I don't do it for the money.
23660 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
23662 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
23665 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
23666 -- Katherine Cebrian
23668 I don't get no respect.
23670 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
23671 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
23673 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
23674 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23676 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
23677 highly trained certified public accountants.
23680 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
23681 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
23682 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
23684 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
23685 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
23688 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
23691 I don't know what Descartes' got,
23692 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
23695 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
23696 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
23699 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
23700 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
23702 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
23704 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
23705 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
23708 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
23710 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
23711 with Dutch Schultz.
23713 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
23714 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
23715 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
23718 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
23721 I don't mind arguing with myself.
23722 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
23725 "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
23728 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
23729 streets and frighten the horses.
23732 I don't need no arms around me...
23733 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
23734 I have seen the writing on the wall.
23735 Don't think I need anything at all.
23736 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
23737 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23738 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
23739 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
23741 "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
23743 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
23745 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
23746 he starts to practice law.
23747 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
23750 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
23751 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
23752 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23754 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
23756 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
23757 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
23758 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
23760 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
23761 to the sea and drown yourselves."
23763 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
23764 you human beings don't."
23767 I don't understand you anymore.
23769 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
23770 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
23772 I don't want a pickle,
23773 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
23774 And I don't want to die,
23775 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
23778 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
23781 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
23782 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
23785 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
23786 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
23787 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
23788 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
23789 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
23790 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
23791 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
23794 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
23796 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
23799 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
23801 I dote on his very absence.
23802 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
23804 I doubt, therefore I might be.
23806 "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
23807 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
23808 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
23809 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
23810 -- George Bernard Shaw
23812 I drink to make other people interesting.
23813 -- George Jean Nathan
23815 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
23817 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
23819 I exist, therefore I am paid.
23821 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
23823 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
23825 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
23826 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
23827 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
23829 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
23830 honest difference of opinion.
23833 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
23834 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
23837 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
23838 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
23841 "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
23843 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
23846 "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
23847 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
23850 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
23851 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
23852 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
23853 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
23855 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
23856 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
23857 How can there be a program, that has no end?
23858 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
23860 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
23861 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
23862 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
23863 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
23865 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
23866 minutes of my life!
23868 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
23871 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
23874 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
23875 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
23876 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
23877 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
23879 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
23880 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
23881 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
23882 And think of the places my get-up has been.
23885 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
23886 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
23888 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
23891 I go the way that Providence dictates.
23894 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
23895 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
23896 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
23897 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
23898 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
23899 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
23900 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
23901 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
23902 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
23903 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
23904 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
23905 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
23906 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
23907 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
23911 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
23912 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
23913 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
23916 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
23920 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
23923 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
23924 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
23925 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
23926 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
23927 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
23928 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
23929 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
23932 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
23935 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
23936 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
23938 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
23939 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
23940 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
23941 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
23943 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23945 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
23946 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
23947 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
23948 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23950 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
23951 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
23952 win -- or even how you won.
23955 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
23956 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
23959 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
23960 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
23961 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
23962 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23964 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
23967 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
23968 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
23969 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23971 I had a dream last night...
23972 I dreamt about 1976.
23973 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
23974 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
23975 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
23976 so I went back to sleep again.
23977 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
23979 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
23980 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
23981 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
23982 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
23983 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
23984 dinner and I let it go.
23985 -- Winston Churchill
23987 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
23988 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
23992 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
23993 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
23994 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
23996 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
23997 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
24001 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
24002 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
24003 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
24004 power to make things different is a bitch.
24007 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
24008 so I took his shoes.
24011 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
24012 implement a PL/1 compiler.
24015 "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
24016 Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
24019 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
24021 I hate babies. They're so human.
24027 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
24028 it's going to be up all night.
24031 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
24032 and I know how bad I am.
24036 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24038 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
24039 there's nothing else to do.
24042 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
24043 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
24046 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
24047 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
24048 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
24049 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
24050 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
24051 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
24052 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
24053 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
24054 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
24057 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
24058 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
24059 and just keeps on typing.
24062 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
24063 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
24064 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
24065 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24067 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
24068 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
24069 I just... to make a long story short..."
24072 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
24073 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
24075 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
24076 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
24080 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
24081 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
24082 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
24083 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
24085 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
24086 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
24087 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
24088 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
24089 -- Robert L. Stevenson
24091 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
24092 I spent last summer folding it.
24093 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
24096 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
24099 I have a simple philosophy:
24103 Scratch where it itches.
24106 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
24107 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
24108 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
24111 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
24113 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
24114 but I can't prove it.
24116 "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
24119 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
24120 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24122 I have a very strange feeling about this...
24125 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
24126 sacrifice my wife's brother.
24129 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
24130 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
24131 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
24133 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
24136 I have become me without my consent.
24138 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
24139 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
24140 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
24142 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
24144 -- George Bernard Shaw
24146 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
24147 to sit still in a room.
24150 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
24151 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
24152 -- Camillo Di Cavour
24154 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
24155 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
24156 support of the woman I love.
24157 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
24158 of the British throne in order to marry the American
24159 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
24161 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
24162 most of them are trash.
24165 I have gained this by philosophy:
24166 that I do without being commanded what others
24167 do only from fear of the law.
24170 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
24173 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
24174 of a prostate operation.
24175 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
24177 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
24180 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
24181 I do believe that is a record.
24182 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
24184 "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
24185 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
24186 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
24187 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
24188 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
24189 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
24190 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
24193 I have learned silence from the talkative,
24194 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
24198 To spell hors d'oeuvres
24199 Which still grates on
24200 Some people's n'oeuvres.
24203 I have lots of things in my pockets;
24204 None of them is worth anything.
24205 Sociopolitical whines aside,
24206 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
24207 The price of half a gallon
24209 And most of the bus fare home.
24211 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
24212 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
24213 -- James Gordon Bennett
24215 I have made this letter longer than usual
24216 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
24219 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
24221 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
24223 -- from "Cerebus" #82
24225 I have never been one to sacrifice
24226 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
24227 -- A. M. Readyhough
24229 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
24232 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
24235 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
24236 gone in two years. He was half right.
24237 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
24239 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
24242 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
24243 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
24247 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
24248 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
24251 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
24252 As seas of ink I spatter.
24253 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
24254 The other kind don't matter.
24255 -- Robert W. Service
24257 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
24258 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
24259 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
24260 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
24262 I have not yet begun to byte!
24264 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
24267 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
24268 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
24269 be blockhead enough to have me.
24272 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
24275 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
24278 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
24279 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
24280 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
24281 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
24282 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
24283 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
24284 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
24285 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
24286 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
24287 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
24288 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
24289 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
24290 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
24291 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
24292 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
24293 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
24294 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
24295 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
24296 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
24297 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
24298 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
24299 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
24300 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
24301 be economized by the aid of machinery.
24302 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
24304 "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
24305 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
24307 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
24309 I have that old biological urge,
24310 I have that old irresistible surge,
24313 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
24316 "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
24317 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
24320 "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
24321 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
24323 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
24326 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
24327 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
24328 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
24329 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
24330 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
24331 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
24332 science of data processing), c. 1957
24334 "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
24335 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
24336 beating up a child."
24339 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
24340 -- John D. Rockefeller
24342 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
24343 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
24346 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
24348 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
24350 I hear the sound that the machines make,
24351 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
24353 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
24355 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
24356 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
24357 more than he knows.
24358 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24360 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
24361 -- Thomas Jefferson
24363 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
24364 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
24365 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
24366 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
24368 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
24369 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
24370 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
24371 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
24373 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
24375 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
24376 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
24378 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
24381 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
24385 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
24386 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
24387 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
24388 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
24389 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
24391 I just got out of the hospital after a
24392 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
24395 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
24398 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
24401 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
24402 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
24405 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
24406 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
24407 -- Arturo Toscanini
24409 I knew her before she was a virgin.
24410 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
24412 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
24413 If I could just remember what it was.
24415 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
24416 take one along that worked.
24417 -- Raymond Chandler
24419 I know if you been talkin' you done said
24420 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
24421 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
24422 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
24423 But don't you get square!
24424 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
24425 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
24427 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
24429 I know not how I came into this,
24430 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
24433 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
24434 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
24437 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
24440 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
24441 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
24444 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
24445 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
24446 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
24448 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
24449 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
24452 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
24453 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
24454 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
24455 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
24456 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
24457 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
24459 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
24460 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
24463 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
24464 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
24466 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
24468 I lately lost a preposition;
24469 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
24470 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
24471 Up from out of under there."
24473 Correctness is my vade mecum,
24474 And straggling phrases I abhor,
24475 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
24476 Up from out of under for?"
24479 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
24480 Waitin' for the double E.
24481 The railroad don't run no more.
24482 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
24483 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
24484 These young girls won't let me be,
24485 Lord have mercy on me!
24488 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
24489 Well, I ain't naming names.
24490 But she really worked me over good,
24491 She was just like Jesse James.
24492 She really worked me over good,
24493 She was a credit to her gender.
24494 She put me through some changes, boy,
24495 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
24497 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
24498 She asked me if I'd beat her.
24499 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
24500 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
24501 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
24503 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
24504 didn't is just lyin'!
24507 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
24510 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
24511 that kidnapped Europa.
24512 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
24514 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
24515 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
24516 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
24517 the way and let them have it.
24518 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
24520 "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
24522 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
24524 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
24527 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
24529 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
24531 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
24532 to bite people themselves.
24533 -- August Strindberg
24535 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
24536 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
24539 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
24540 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
24543 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
24544 someone takes them away.
24547 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
24548 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
24550 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
24553 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
24556 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
24557 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
24558 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
24560 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
24561 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
24563 "I love to eat them Smurfies
24564 Smurfies what I love to eat
24565 Bite they ugly heads off,
24566 Nibble on they bluish feet."
24568 I love treason but hate a traitor.
24569 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
24571 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
24574 I love you, not only for what you are,
24575 but for what I am when I am with you.
24578 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
24579 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
24581 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
24583 I married beneath me. All women do.
24584 -- Lady Nancy Astor
24586 "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
24587 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
24589 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
24591 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
24593 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
24596 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
24597 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
24599 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
24600 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
24602 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
24603 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
24606 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
24610 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
24611 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
24612 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
24614 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
24615 -- Alexander Woolcott
24617 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
24618 week sometimes to make it up.
24619 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
24621 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
24623 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
24624 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
24625 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
24626 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
24629 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
24630 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
24631 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
24632 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
24633 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
24635 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
24636 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
24638 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
24640 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
24643 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
24644 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
24648 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
24649 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
24650 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
24652 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
24653 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
24656 I never did it that way before.
24658 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
24659 places they do today.
24662 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
24663 could do was to go away.
24665 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
24668 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
24671 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
24674 I never made a mistake in my life.
24675 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
24678 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
24679 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
24681 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
24683 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
24685 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
24686 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
24688 I never saw a purple cow
24689 I never hope to see one
24690 But I can tell you anyhow
24691 I'd rather see than be one.
24694 I've never seen a purple cow
24695 I never hope to see one
24696 But from the milk we're getting now
24697 There certainly must be one
24700 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
24701 I'm sorry now I wrote it
24702 But I can tell you anyhow
24703 I'll kill you if you quote it.
24704 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
24706 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
24708 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
24711 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
24712 -- George Bernard Shaw
24714 I only know what I read in the papers.
24717 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
24718 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
24720 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
24721 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
24722 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
24723 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
24724 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
24725 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
24726 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
24727 -- Letters From Colette
24730 It's off to work I go...
24732 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
24736 I owe the public nothing.
24739 I own my own body, but I share.
24741 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
24742 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
24743 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
24744 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
24745 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
24746 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
24748 -- Thomas Jefferson
24750 "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
24751 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
24752 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
24753 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
24754 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
24755 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
24757 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
24759 I pledge allegiance to the flag
24760 of the United States of America
24761 and to the republic for which it stands,
24765 and justice for all.
24766 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
24768 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
24771 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
24773 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
24774 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
24776 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
24779 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
24782 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
24783 -- William F. Buckley
24785 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
24786 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
24789 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
24792 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
24793 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
24794 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
24795 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
24796 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
24797 aspire to crudeness.
24798 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
24800 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
24803 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
24804 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
24805 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
24806 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
24808 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
24809 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
24812 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
24813 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
24815 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
24818 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
24819 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
24820 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
24821 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
24824 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
24825 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
24826 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
24827 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
24828 write about, such as nose-picking.
24829 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
24832 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
24833 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
24834 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
24835 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
24836 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
24837 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
24839 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
24840 -- Marilyn Chambers
24842 I really hate this damned machine
24843 I wish that they would sell it.
24844 It never does quite what I want
24845 But only what I tell it.
24847 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
24848 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
24849 something of what has been passing in their time.
24852 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
24853 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
24854 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
24855 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
24859 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
24860 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
24861 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
24864 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
24865 believing that some men are my equals.
24868 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
24870 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
24871 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
24872 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
24873 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
24874 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
24875 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
24876 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
24877 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
24880 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
24881 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
24882 and didn't come back for 20 years.
24884 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
24888 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
24889 looks like I'm the only one moving.
24892 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
24895 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
24896 woman should marry -- and no man.
24897 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
24899 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
24900 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
24901 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
24902 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
24903 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
24904 if they don't get it.
24907 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
24908 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
24909 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
24910 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
24911 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
24913 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
24914 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
24916 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
24917 'Round and round they sped.
24918 I was disturbed at this,
24919 I accosted the man,
24920 "It is futile," I said.
24922 "You lie!" He cried,
24926 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
24929 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
24930 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
24933 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
24935 I see a bad moon rising.
24936 I see trouble on the way.
24937 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
24938 I see bad times today.
24939 Don't go 'round tonight,
24940 It's bound to take your life.
24941 There's a bad moon on the rise.
24942 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
24944 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
24945 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
24946 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24948 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
24949 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
24950 Bernoulli would have been content to die
24951 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
24952 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
24954 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
24955 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
24956 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
24957 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24959 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
24960 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
24961 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
24962 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
24963 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
24964 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
24965 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
24966 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
24967 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
24968 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
24970 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
24971 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
24973 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
24974 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
24976 I sent a message to another time,
24977 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
24978 I sent a message to another plane,
24979 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
24981 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
24982 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
24983 She's only programmed to be very nice,
24984 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
24985 She tells me that she likes me very much,
24986 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
24988 I realize that it must seem so strange,
24989 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
24990 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
24991 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
24992 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
24994 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
24995 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
24997 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
24999 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
25000 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
25001 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
25002 that matters, but victory.
25005 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
25006 -- graffito in Los Angeles
25010 -- graffito in San Francisco
25012 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
25013 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
25016 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
25017 most western countries.
25022 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
25023 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
25026 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
25030 I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
25034 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
25036 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
25037 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
25039 I stick my neck out for nobody.
25040 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
25042 I stood on the leading edge,
25043 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
25044 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
25045 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
25046 Go on and give it a try,
25047 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
25048 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
25050 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
25051 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
25054 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
25057 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
25058 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
25059 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
25060 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
25062 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
25064 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
25065 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
25066 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
25067 That needs a helping hand,
25068 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
25069 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
25071 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25072 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25073 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25074 are worth considering, to wit:
25077 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25078 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25081 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
25082 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
25083 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
25087 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
25090 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25091 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25092 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25093 are worth considering, to wit:
25096 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
25097 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
25098 a U-turn on a divided highway."
25101 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
25102 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
25103 traveling more than 60 MPH."
25106 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
25107 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
25109 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
25110 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
25111 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
25112 are worth considering, to wit:
25115 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
25116 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
25119 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
25120 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
25121 a 5' parking space."
25124 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
25125 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
25127 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
25128 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
25130 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
25131 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
25134 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
25135 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
25136 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
25138 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
25139 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
25140 munchies, and ate the other half.
25142 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
25143 bottle stuck up my nose.
25144 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25146 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
25147 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
25149 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
25150 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
25151 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
25152 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25154 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
25155 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
25156 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
25157 -- Rodney Dangerfield
25159 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
25162 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
25163 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
25166 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
25167 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
25168 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
25172 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
25173 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
25174 -- The Life of Brian
25176 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
25179 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
25180 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
25182 "I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
25183 because I couldn't remember the proof."
25184 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
25186 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
25187 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25189 "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
25191 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
25192 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
25193 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
25195 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
25196 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
25197 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
25198 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
25199 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
25202 I think that I shall never hear
25203 A poem lovelier than beer.
25204 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
25205 With golden base and snowy cap.
25206 The stuff that I can drink all day
25207 Until my mem'ry melts away.
25208 Poems are made by fools, I fear
25209 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
25211 I think that I shall never see
25212 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25213 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
25214 I'll never see a tree at all.
25217 I think that I shall never see
25218 A billboard lovely as a tree.
25219 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
25220 I'll never see a tree at all.
25223 I think that I shall never see
25224 A thing as lovely as a tree.
25225 But as you see the trees have gone
25226 They went this morning with the dawn.
25227 A logging firm from out of town
25228 Came and chopped the trees all down.
25229 But I will trick those dirty skunks
25230 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
25232 "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
25233 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
25234 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
25235 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
25236 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
25237 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
25238 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
25239 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
25240 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
25241 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
25243 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
25244 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
25247 I think the world is run by C students.
25250 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
25251 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
25252 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
25254 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
25255 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
25256 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
25258 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25260 I think, therefore I am... I think.
25262 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
25263 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
25265 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
25267 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25269 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
25272 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
25273 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
25274 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
25275 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
25276 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
25277 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
25278 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
25279 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
25281 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
25283 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
25284 -- Firesign Theatre
25286 I think we're in trouble.
25289 I think your opinions are reasonable,
25290 except for the one about my mental instability.
25291 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
25293 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
25294 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
25295 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
25296 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
25297 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
25298 They had so much in common, you'd say.
25299 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
25300 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
25301 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
25302 She sent one from some past high school day,
25303 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
25304 If they hadn't met in L.A.
25305 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
25306 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
25307 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
25308 If you were not so totally weird!"
25309 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
25310 And he had not done just the same,
25311 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
25312 And would not have had fun with the game.
25314 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
25316 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
25318 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
25320 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
25322 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
25323 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
25325 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
25326 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
25330 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
25331 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
25333 -- Madeleine Gobeil
25335 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
25336 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
25337 and drown myself in the noise.
25338 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
25340 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
25341 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
25343 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
25346 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
25347 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
25349 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
25350 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
25351 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
25353 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
25354 I never have to go upstairs.
25356 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
25357 front of it in only eight minutes.
25360 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
25363 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
25366 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
25369 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
25370 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
25371 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
25372 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
25373 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
25374 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
25378 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
25380 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
25383 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
25386 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
25387 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
25388 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
25389 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
25390 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
25391 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25392 No more, Mr. Clean,
25393 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
25394 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
25396 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
25397 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
25398 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
25399 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
25400 And punched me in the nose, he said,
25402 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
25403 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
25405 I used to have a drinking problem.
25406 Now I love the stuff.
25408 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
25409 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
25411 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
25412 like I'm the only one moving.
25414 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
25415 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
25416 to be out that long."
25418 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
25419 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
25422 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
25423 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
25424 more mature than I am.
25426 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
25428 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
25429 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
25430 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
25433 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
25434 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
25437 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
25441 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
25442 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
25443 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
25444 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
25448 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
25450 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
25451 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
25453 "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
25454 Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
25456 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
25458 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
25461 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
25463 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
25464 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
25465 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
25466 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
25467 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
25468 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
25470 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
25472 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
25473 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
25476 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
25477 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
25478 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
25482 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
25483 Trouble I love and peace I despise
25484 Wild horses kicked me in my side
25485 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
25488 "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
25489 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
25490 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
25491 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
25492 get off my driveway."
25495 I was eatin' some chop suey,
25496 With a lady in St. Louie,
25497 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
25498 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
25499 Roll this rocker out some money,
25500 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
25503 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
25504 I said I didn't know.
25507 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
25508 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
25509 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
25510 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
25511 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
25512 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
25513 that all the time..."
25514 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
25516 I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
25517 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
25520 I was in accord with the system so long as it
25521 permitted me to function effectively.
25524 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
25525 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
25526 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
25527 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
25528 avoiding the beach.
25529 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
25531 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
25532 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
25535 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
25536 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
25537 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
25538 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
25539 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
25540 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
25541 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
25542 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
25543 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
25544 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
25545 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
25547 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
25548 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
25549 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
25550 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
25552 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
25553 full house and four people died.
25556 I was the best I ever had.
25559 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
25562 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
25563 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
25564 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
25565 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
25566 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
25568 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
25571 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
25574 I went home with a waitress,
25575 The way I always do.
25576 How I was I to know?
25577 She was with the Russians too.
25579 I was gambling in Havana,
25580 I took a little risk.
25581 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
25582 Dad, get me out of this.
25583 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
25585 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
25589 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
25590 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
25594 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
25595 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
25596 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
25597 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
25598 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
25599 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
25600 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
25601 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
25602 program to the point where it would not run at all.
25603 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
25604 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
25606 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
25607 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
25609 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
25610 As if you just squashed a cop.
25611 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
25613 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
25617 "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
25618 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
25619 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
25621 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
25625 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
25626 French toast during the Renaissance.
25629 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
25630 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
25633 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
25634 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
25635 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
25636 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
25638 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
25639 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
25641 There was a computer in every doorknob.
25644 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
25645 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
25647 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
25649 "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
25650 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
25654 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
25655 statues that are in all the other museums."
25658 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
25659 it took seven others to beat him!
25661 I will always love the false image I had of you.
25663 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
25664 but not into it if I can help it.
25665 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
25667 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
25668 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
25669 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
25670 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
25671 writing on this stone!
25674 I will make you shorter by the head.
25677 I will never lie to you.
25679 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
25683 I will not get drunk!
25685 I will not in public!
25687 I will not fall down!
25689 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
25691 I will not forget you.
25693 I will not play at tug o' war.
25694 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
25695 Where everyone hugs
25697 Where everyone giggles
25698 And rolls on the rug,
25699 Where everyone kisses,
25700 And everyone grins,
25701 And everyone cuddles,
25703 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
25705 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
25709 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
25710 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
25713 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
25715 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25717 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
25718 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
25722 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
25724 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
25726 I woke up a feelin' mean
25727 went down to play the slot machine
25728 the wheels turned round,
25729 and the letters read
25730 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
25733 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
25734 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
25735 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
25736 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
25739 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
25740 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
25741 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
25742 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
25745 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
25746 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
25748 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
25749 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
25752 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
25753 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
25754 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
25755 after we've been home a long while.
25758 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
25759 only they won't let me raise my voice.
25762 I would have made a good pope.
25765 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
25766 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
25767 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
25770 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
25771 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
25772 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
25773 forget or do not know.
25774 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
25776 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
25777 referring to image activation and termination.]
25779 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
25780 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
25781 our tasks will be solved.
25782 -- Warren G. Harding
25784 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
25785 with income tax policies.
25786 -- William F. Buckley
25788 I would like to know
25789 What I was fencing in
25790 And what I was fencing out.
25793 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
25794 to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
25795 In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
25798 I would much rather have men ask why
25799 I have no statue, than why I have one.
25800 -- Marcus Procius Cato
25802 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
25803 they're being taped.
25806 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
25807 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
25809 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
25810 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
25811 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
25813 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
25814 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
25816 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
25818 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
25820 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
25821 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
25822 -- Hunter S. Thompson
25824 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
25826 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
25827 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
25843 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
25844 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
25845 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
25846 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
25847 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
25848 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
25852 Idiots Become Managers
25854 Impossible to Buy Machine
25855 Incredibly Big Machine
25856 Industry's Biggest Mistake
25857 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
25858 It Boggles the Mind
25859 It's Better Manually
25860 Itty-Bitty Machines
25862 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
25863 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
25864 -- with regrets to D. Adams
25867 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
25868 And everywhere this language went,
25869 It was a total loss.
25871 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
25873 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
25874 Machines should work. People should think.
25876 IBM's original motto:
25877 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
25879 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
25882 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
25884 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
25886 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
25889 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
25890 -- Princess Leia Organa
25892 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
25893 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
25895 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25897 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
25899 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
25900 whole field to private industry.
25903 "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
25906 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
25908 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
25911 "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
25914 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
25917 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
25920 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
25921 Julian to Gregorian."
25923 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
25926 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
25928 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
25929 cottage cheese sculpture."
25931 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
25933 "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
25935 "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
25938 "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
25940 "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
25943 "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
25946 "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
25947 need worrying about."
25949 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
25950 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
25952 I'd never cry if I did find
25953 A blue whale in my soup...
25954 Nor would I mind a porcupine
25955 Inside a chicken coop.
25956 Yes life is fine when things combine,
25957 Like ham in beef chow mein...
25958 But lord, this time I think I mind,
25959 They've put acid in my rain.
25962 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
25965 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
25966 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
25969 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
25971 "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
25973 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
25976 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
25978 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
25981 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
25983 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
25984 Than cry with the saints,
25985 The sinners are much more fun!
25986 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
25988 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
25990 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
25991 solitary confinement.
25993 Identify your visitor.
25996 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
25997 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
25998 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26001 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
26002 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
26003 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26006 Leisure gone to seed.
26008 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
26010 "If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
26011 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
26012 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
26013 well that would be enough immortality for me."
26014 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
26016 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
26019 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
26020 at about 30 miles/second.
26021 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
26023 "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
26026 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
26027 is a camel's behind.
26028 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
26030 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
26032 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
26033 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
26035 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
26036 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
26039 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
26042 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
26043 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
26046 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
26047 really a guru at all?
26048 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
26050 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
26051 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
26052 -- Joseph C. Goulden
26054 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
26055 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
26056 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
26057 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26059 If a listener nods his head when you're
26060 explaining your program, wake him up.
26062 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
26063 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
26065 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
26068 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
26069 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
26071 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
26072 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
26073 -- Albert Schweitzer
26075 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
26076 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
26077 it might well prolong his life.
26078 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
26080 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
26081 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
26082 -- Thomas Jefferson
26084 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
26085 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
26086 will lose that, too.
26087 -- W. Somerset Maugham
26089 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
26090 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
26091 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
26092 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
26094 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
26096 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
26097 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
26098 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
26099 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
26102 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
26103 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
26106 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
26107 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
26108 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
26110 If a system is administered wisely,
26111 its users will be content.
26112 They enjoy hacking their code
26113 and don't waste time implementing
26114 labor-saving shell scripts.
26115 Since they dearly love their accounts,
26116 they aren't interested in other machines.
26117 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
26118 but these don't access any hosts.
26119 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
26120 but nobody ever uses them.
26121 People enjoy reading their mail,
26122 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
26123 spend weekends working at their terminals,
26124 delight in the doings at the site.
26125 And even though the next system is so close
26126 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
26127 they are content to die of old age
26128 without ever having gone to see it.
26130 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
26131 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
26132 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
26133 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
26134 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
26137 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
26138 -- G. K. Chesterton
26140 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
26143 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
26145 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
26146 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
26147 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
26150 If all be true that I do think,
26151 There be five reasons why one should drink;
26152 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
26153 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
26154 Or any other reason why.
26156 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
26157 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
26159 If all else fails, lower your standards.
26161 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
26163 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
26164 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
26165 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
26167 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
26168 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
26171 If all the seas were ink,
26172 And all the reeds were pens,
26173 And all the skies were parchment,
26174 And all the men could write,
26175 These would not suffice
26176 To write down all the red tape
26177 Of this Government.
26179 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
26182 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
26183 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
26186 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
26187 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
26188 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
26189 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
26190 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
26191 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
26192 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
26193 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
26194 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
26196 If an S and an I and an O and a U
26197 With an X at the end spell Su;
26198 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
26199 Pray what is a speller to do?
26200 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
26201 And an HED spell side,
26202 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
26203 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
26204 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
26206 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
26207 car he ever lays down in front of.
26210 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
26211 let him become president of Harvard.
26214 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
26215 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
26216 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
26217 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
26219 If anything can go wrong, it will.
26221 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
26223 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26225 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
26227 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
26229 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
26231 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
26232 No use being a damn fool about it.
26234 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26237 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26238 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
26241 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
26243 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
26245 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
26246 -- Leonard Levinson
26248 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
26250 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
26251 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
26252 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
26253 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
26254 plentiful as blackberries.
26257 If bankers can count, how come they have
26258 eight windows and only four tellers?
26260 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
26261 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
26262 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
26264 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
26265 but illegal purposes.
26268 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
26270 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
26273 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
26277 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
26279 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
26283 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
26285 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
26286 deserve to have any.
26287 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in
26288 a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon
26289 his conviction for sodomy.
26291 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
26293 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
26294 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
26296 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
26298 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
26299 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
26301 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
26303 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
26304 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
26305 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
26307 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
26308 around a deal faster.
26309 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
26311 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
26313 If everything on the road of life seems to
26314 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26316 If everything seems to be going well,
26317 you have obviously overlooked something.
26319 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
26320 -- Bertrand Russell
26322 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
26324 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
26325 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
26326 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
26327 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
26328 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
26329 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
26332 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
26333 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
26335 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
26338 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
26340 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
26342 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
26344 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
26345 would have only had ten disciples.
26347 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
26349 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
26351 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
26353 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
26354 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
26356 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
26358 If God had not given us sticky tape,
26359 it would have been necessary to invent it.
26361 If God had really intended men to fly,
26362 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
26365 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
26366 have made them cute and furry.
26369 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
26372 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
26373 He would have given you bigger hands.
26375 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
26376 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
26378 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
26380 If God is One, what is bad?
26383 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
26385 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
26388 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
26391 If God wanted us to have a President,
26392 He would have sent us a candidate.
26393 -- Jerry Dreshfield
26395 If graphics hackers are so smart,
26396 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
26398 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
26400 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
26403 If he had only learnt a little less, how
26404 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
26406 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
26407 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
26408 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
26409 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
26411 If he should ever change his faith,
26412 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
26414 "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
26415 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
26417 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
26418 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
26420 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
26423 If I could read your mind, love,
26424 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
26425 Just like a paperback novel,
26426 The kind the drugstore sells,
26427 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
26428 The hero would be me,
26430 You won't read that book again, because
26431 the ending is just too hard to take.
26433 I walk away, like a movie star,
26434 Who gets burned in a three way script,
26436 A movie queen to play the scene
26437 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
26438 But for now, love, let's be real
26439 I never thought I could act this way,
26440 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
26441 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
26442 And I just can't get it back...
26443 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
26445 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
26446 I would spill it all over the stage.
26447 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
26448 Would you think the boy was strange?
26451 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
26452 Suicide right on the stage,
26453 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
26454 Would it help to ease the pain?
26456 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
26458 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
26461 If I don't drive around the park,
26462 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
26463 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
26464 I may get back my looks again.
26465 If I abstain from fun and such,
26466 I'll probably amount to much;
26467 But I shall stay the way I am,
26468 Because I do not give a damn.
26471 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
26473 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
26474 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
26475 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
26476 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
26477 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
26479 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
26481 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
26482 got to be a better way.
26483 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
26485 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
26486 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
26487 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
26489 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
26492 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
26493 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
26496 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
26497 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
26499 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
26500 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
26501 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
26502 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
26503 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
26504 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
26505 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
26506 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
26507 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
26508 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
26509 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
26510 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
26511 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
26512 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
26513 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
26514 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
26516 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
26519 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
26520 -- Tallulah Bankhead
26522 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
26524 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26525 shoulders of giants.
26528 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
26529 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26532 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
26536 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
26539 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
26540 stand on each other's toes.
26543 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
26544 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
26545 software engineers dig each other's graves.
26548 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
26549 shoulders of giants.
26552 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
26553 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
26556 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
26560 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
26563 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
26566 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
26567 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
26568 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
26570 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
26571 -- Johann van Goethe
26573 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
26574 just couldn't help myself.
26577 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
26578 -- Alan Parsons Project
26580 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
26581 I'm an engineer working on something.
26584 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
26586 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
26587 As Dame Fortune did intend,
26588 Murphy would be there to tell me
26589 The pot's at the other end.
26592 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
26594 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
26595 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
26598 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
26599 because I can't swim.
26602 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
26603 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
26606 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
26608 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
26611 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
26612 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
26614 If in doubt, mumble.
26616 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
26618 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
26620 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
26621 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
26623 If it happens once, it's a bug.
26624 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
26625 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
26627 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
26629 If it heals good, say it.
26631 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
26632 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
26635 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
26637 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
26640 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
26643 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
26645 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26647 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
26649 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
26650 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
26652 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
26653 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
26654 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
26655 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
26656 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
26659 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
26661 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
26663 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
26665 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
26667 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
26669 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
26671 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
26672 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
26676 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
26677 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
26678 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
26679 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
26680 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
26681 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
26682 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
26683 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
26685 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
26686 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
26687 -- Karl Marx's Mother
26690 If Khaan behaves as serfs
26691 Lose entire states and all estates.
26692 If serfs behave as Khaan
26693 He will regret for his head.
26694 In time of friendship and harmony
26695 Befriend as closely
26696 In time of conflict with enemies
26697 Be falcon of advance and attacks
26698 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
26700 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
26702 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
26704 If life is merely a joke, the question
26705 still remains: for whose amusement?
26707 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
26709 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
26712 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
26713 you've got in the house.
26714 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26716 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
26719 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
26720 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
26722 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
26725 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
26727 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
26728 -- Mary Wilson Little
26730 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
26731 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
26733 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
26734 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
26737 If men are not afraid to die,
26738 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
26740 If men live in constant fear of dying,
26741 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
26742 Who will dare to break the law?
26744 There is always an official executioner.
26745 If you try to take his place,
26746 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
26747 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
26748 you will only hurt your hand.
26749 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
26751 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
26753 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
26754 be a merrier world.
26755 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
26757 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
26758 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
26759 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
26760 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
26762 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
26763 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
26766 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
26767 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
26768 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
26769 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
26770 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
26771 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
26772 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
26773 get an unfair advantage.
26774 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
26776 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
26779 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
26781 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
26783 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
26786 If only God would give me some clear sign!
26787 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
26788 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
26790 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
26792 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
26794 If only you knew she loved you, you could
26795 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
26797 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
26799 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
26800 -- George Bernard Shaw
26802 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
26803 he should see how bad it is with representation.
26805 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
26806 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
26809 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
26810 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
26813 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
26814 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
26816 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
26818 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
26819 will take sandwiches.
26822 Eats first, morals after.
26823 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
26825 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
26826 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
26829 If people see that you mean them no harm,
26830 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
26832 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
26834 If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime
26835 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
26836 an optional preceding '+' ).
26839 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
26840 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
26843 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
26844 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
26846 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
26848 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
26850 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
26852 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
26855 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
26857 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
26858 Eating components of soured milk.
26859 On at least one occasion,
26860 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
26861 Or at least in her vicinity,
26862 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
26863 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
26864 -- Ann Melugin Williams
26866 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
26867 pool cues, who would win?
26870 3) The television viewing public
26873 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
26876 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
26877 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
26878 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
26879 the use of the mathematics of probability.
26882 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
26886 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
26888 Their romance might have flourished.
26889 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
26891 Love could not help but die,
26892 Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.
26894 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
26897 If some people didn't tell you,
26898 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
26900 If someone had told me I would be Pope
26901 one day, I would have studied harder.
26902 -- Pope John Paul I
26904 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
26906 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
26907 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
26909 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
26912 "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
26913 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
26915 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
26916 presumably flunk it.
26919 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
26920 and never be our destiny.
26921 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
26923 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
26924 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
26925 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
26926 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
26928 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
26929 this would be a better world.
26930 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
26932 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
26935 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
26936 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
26937 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
26938 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
26939 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
26940 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
26941 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
26942 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
26943 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
26944 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
26945 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
26946 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
26947 put on a professor.
26948 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26950 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
26951 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
26952 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
26954 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
26956 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
26959 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
26960 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
26963 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
26965 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
26968 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
26969 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
26971 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
26972 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
26974 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
26975 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
26977 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
26978 consider what may be fertilizing it.
26980 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
26981 we would be so simple we couldn't.
26983 "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
26985 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
26987 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
26988 I would have recommended something simpler.
26989 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
26990 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
26992 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
26993 the lives of both have been wasted.
26995 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
26996 then this sentence would not be false.
26998 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
26999 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
27002 If the odds are a million to one against something
27003 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
27005 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
27008 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
27009 what a living the poor could make!
27011 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
27013 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
27014 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
27017 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
27019 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
27020 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
27021 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
27022 paper folding, or something.
27025 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
27026 -- Chief Dan George
27028 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
27029 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
27030 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
27031 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
27032 -- Reverend Chichester
27034 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
27036 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
27037 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
27039 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
27040 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
27044 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
27045 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
27047 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
27048 can't afford divorce.
27051 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
27054 If there is no wind, row.
27057 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
27058 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
27061 If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
27063 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
27064 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
27065 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
27066 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
27068 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
27069 something out of you.
27072 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
27074 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
27075 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
27076 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
27080 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
27081 him because they don't like his necktie.
27082 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
27084 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
27086 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
27088 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
27091 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
27093 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
27096 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
27099 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
27100 doing the thinking.
27101 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27103 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
27105 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27107 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
27108 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
27109 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
27111 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
27112 -- Ernest Hemingway
27114 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
27115 -- Laurence J. Peter
27117 "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
27119 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27120 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
27122 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
27124 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
27125 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
27127 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
27128 all be millionaires.
27129 -- Abigail Van Buren
27131 If we do not change our direction we are
27132 likely to end up where we are headed.
27134 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
27137 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
27141 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
27142 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
27143 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
27144 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
27147 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
27148 It's the light of an oncoming train.
27151 If we spoke a different language, we
27152 would perceive a somewhat different world.
27155 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
27156 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
27159 "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
27161 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
27164 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
27166 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
27168 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
27170 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
27171 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
27172 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
27173 -- Marguerite Emmons
27175 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
27177 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
27178 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
27179 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
27180 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
27183 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
27184 -- Aristotle Onassis
27186 "If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
27187 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
27188 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is."
27191 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
27192 Quit work and play for once!
27194 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
27197 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
27198 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
27200 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
27201 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
27204 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
27207 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
27209 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
27210 good, you will get out of it.
27212 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
27213 your honesty is corrupt.
27215 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
27216 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
27217 -- Abigail Van Buren
27219 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
27220 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
27223 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
27224 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
27226 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
27228 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
27229 by your parents, we will cash your check.
27231 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
27232 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
27235 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
27236 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
27238 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
27240 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
27242 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
27243 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
27245 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
27248 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
27249 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
27251 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
27253 If you can read this, you're too close.
27255 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
27257 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
27260 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
27261 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
27262 -- Edwim Schrodinger
27264 If you can't be good, be careful.
27265 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
27267 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
27269 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
27271 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
27273 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
27274 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27276 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
27278 If you catch a man, throw him back.
27279 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
27281 If you continually give you will continually have.
27283 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
27284 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
27286 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
27288 If you didn't have most of your friends,
27289 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
27291 If you didn't have to work so hard,
27292 you'd have more time to be depressed.
27294 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
27297 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
27298 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
27301 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
27303 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
27305 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
27307 -- Mordecai Richler
27309 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
27310 would have happened if you had done it.
27312 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
27314 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
27316 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
27319 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
27322 If you don't have the time right now,
27323 will you have redo right time later?
27325 If you don't have time to do it right, where
27326 are you going to find the time to do it over?
27328 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
27330 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
27332 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
27335 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
27336 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
27338 "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
27339 Lavoris in the toilet."
27342 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
27344 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
27345 either of you for the rest of the day.
27347 "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
27348 have to get a toehold in the public eye."
27350 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
27351 an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
27352 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
27353 will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
27354 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
27355 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
27356 carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
27357 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
27358 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
27359 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
27360 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
27361 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
27362 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
27363 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
27364 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
27365 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
27366 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
27367 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
27368 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
27371 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
27374 If you explain something so clearly that no
27375 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
27377 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
27379 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
27380 the solution may become your next problem.
27382 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
27384 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
27385 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
27386 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
27388 If you fool around with something long
27389 enough, it will eventually break.
27391 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
27393 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
27394 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
27395 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
27397 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
27398 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
27399 -- Winston Churchill
27401 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
27402 so as not to disturb those around you.
27404 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
27405 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
27409 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
27411 If you had better tools, you could more
27412 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
27414 If you had just one moment to live
27415 And they granted you one special wish
27416 Would you ask for something
27417 Like another chance.
27418 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
27420 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
27421 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
27423 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
27425 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
27428 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
27430 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
27431 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
27432 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
27433 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
27434 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
27435 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
27436 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
27437 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
27438 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
27439 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
27441 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
27443 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
27446 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
27448 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
27451 If you have to hate, hate gently.
27453 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
27455 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
27456 in chartered accountancy beckons.
27457 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
27460 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
27461 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
27464 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
27465 yourself in the posterior.
27466 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
27468 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
27470 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
27474 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
27476 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
27479 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
27482 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
27483 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
27486 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
27487 365 useless things.
27489 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
27491 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
27494 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
27495 -- Simone De Beauvoir
27497 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
27498 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
27501 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
27502 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
27503 -- Garrison Keillor
27505 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
27506 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
27508 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
27509 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
27511 If you lose a son you can always get another,
27512 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
27513 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
27515 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
27516 he'll get rich or famous or both.
27518 If you love someone, set them free.
27519 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
27521 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
27522 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
27524 If you make a mistake you right it
27525 immediately to the best of your ability.
27527 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
27528 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
27529 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27531 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
27532 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
27534 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
27535 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
27538 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
27539 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
27541 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
27544 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
27545 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
27547 If you need anything just whistle.
27548 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
27549 Just put your lips together and blow.
27550 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
27552 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
27553 they must not be deceiving you very well.
27555 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
27558 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
27559 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
27562 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
27563 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
27566 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
27567 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
27570 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
27571 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
27572 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
27574 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
27576 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
27577 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
27578 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
27581 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
27585 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
27586 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
27587 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
27588 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
27589 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
27590 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
27591 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
27594 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
27596 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
27598 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
27599 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
27600 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
27602 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
27604 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
27605 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
27606 -- Swami Prabhupada
27608 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
27611 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
27613 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
27615 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
27616 many it's research.
27619 If you stew apples like cranberries,
27620 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
27623 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
27624 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
27625 Or some joker who is slicker,
27626 Will trick you of your liquor,
27627 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
27629 If you stick your head in the sand,
27630 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
27632 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
27634 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
27638 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
27639 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
27642 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
27645 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
27647 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
27648 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
27650 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
27651 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
27653 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
27654 try missing a couple of car payments.
27657 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
27658 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
27661 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
27662 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
27665 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
27668 If you think the system is working,
27669 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
27671 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
27672 shopping center in the world?
27673 -- Richard M. Nixon
27675 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
27676 lack sufficient imagination.
27678 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
27679 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
27680 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
27682 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
27683 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
27684 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
27685 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
27686 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
27688 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
27689 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
27690 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
27691 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
27692 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
27695 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
27696 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
27699 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
27700 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
27701 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
27703 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
27704 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
27707 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
27708 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
27710 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
27712 "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
27715 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
27716 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
27718 If you want divine justice, die.
27721 If you want me to be a good little bunny
27722 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
27725 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
27728 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
27729 read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
27732 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
27734 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
27738 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
27741 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
27743 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
27747 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
27748 -- Harry Blackstone
27750 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
27751 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
27752 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
27753 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
27754 the word "National".
27757 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
27758 you say, talk in your sleep.
27760 "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
27761 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
27762 even if they don't know what it means."
27763 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
27765 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
27767 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
27768 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
27771 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
27772 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
27773 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
27774 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
27777 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
27779 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
27781 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
27782 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
27785 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
27786 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
27787 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
27788 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
27789 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
27790 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
27791 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
27792 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
27793 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
27794 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
27797 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
27799 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
27802 If you would understand your own age, read the works
27803 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
27805 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
27806 Bed down with a pretty girl.
27809 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
27811 If your bread is stale, make toast.
27813 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
27814 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
27815 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
27817 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
27818 I guess you do have a problem.
27819 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
27821 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
27823 If your mother knew what you're doing,
27824 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
27826 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
27828 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
27829 longer be fantasies.
27832 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
27833 piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
27836 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
27837 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
27840 If you're careful enough, nothing
27841 bad or good will ever happen to you.
27843 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
27844 The Olympics are over.
27846 If you're constantly being mistreated,
27847 you're cooperating with the treatment.
27849 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
27850 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
27852 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
27854 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
27855 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27857 If you're going to do something tonight
27858 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
27861 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
27863 If you're happy, you're successful.
27865 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
27867 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
27868 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27870 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
27872 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
27873 As well as by traffic and crime,
27874 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
27875 Though living on burrowed time.
27876 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
27878 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
27879 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
27880 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
27882 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
27886 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
27887 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
27888 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
27890 Ignorance is bliss.
27893 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
27894 BLISS is ignorance.
27896 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
27897 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
27898 -- Franklin K. Dane
27900 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
27902 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
27903 so resolutely pursuing it.
27905 Ignore previous fortune.
27907 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
27908 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
27909 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
27910 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
27911 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
27914 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
27915 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
27918 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
27921 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
27923 I'll burn my books.
27924 -- Christopher Marlowe
27926 "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
27927 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
27928 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
27929 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
27931 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
27933 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
27935 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
27936 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
27937 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
27939 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
27940 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
27941 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
27942 And in our bound partition never part.
27943 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27945 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
27946 I play just what I feel.
27947 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
27948 And die behind the wheel.
27949 They got a name for the winners in the world,
27950 I want a name when I lose.
27951 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
27952 Call me Deacon Blues.
27953 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
27955 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
27958 I'll never get off this planet.
27961 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
27963 "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
27964 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
27965 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
27967 I'll turn over a new leaf.
27968 -- Miguel de Cervantes
27970 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
27974 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
27977 Illegitimi non carborundum
27978 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
27980 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
27981 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
27983 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
27985 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
27988 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
27989 that I could have evolved from man.
27991 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
27992 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
27993 the idea of a doomsday machine.
27994 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
27995 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
27996 Ellen up a steep incline.
27997 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
27998 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
27999 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
28000 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
28001 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
28002 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
28003 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
28004 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
28005 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
28006 that Kirk talked strangely.
28007 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
28008 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
28009 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
28010 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
28011 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
28012 physical exam to answer the alert.
28014 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
28015 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
28017 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
28019 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
28020 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
28021 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
28023 I'm all for computer dating, but I
28024 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
28026 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
28027 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
28030 I'm always looking for a new idea that
28031 will be more productive than its cost.
28032 -- David Rockefeller
28035 But it's not what I really want to do.
28036 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
28037 I know what you're going to say --
28038 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
28039 All right! But it's what I want to do.
28040 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
28042 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
28045 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
28046 that I could have been created by man.
28048 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
28049 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
28050 I'll tell some power broker
28051 What they did for Iacocca
28052 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
28053 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
28054 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
28055 When they hand a million grand out,
28056 I'll be standing with my hand out,
28057 Yessir, I'll get mine!
28060 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
28062 I'm dying beyond my means.
28063 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
28065 "I'm dying," he croaked.
28066 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
28067 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
28068 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
28069 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
28070 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
28071 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
28072 "You snake," she rattled.
28073 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
28074 "Company's coming," she guessed.
28075 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
28076 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
28077 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
28078 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
28079 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
28080 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
28082 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
28085 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
28088 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
28089 just had a good war.
28092 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
28094 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
28095 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
28097 I'm glad that I'm an American,
28098 I'm glad that I am free,
28099 But I wish I were a little doggy,
28100 And McGovern were a tree.
28102 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
28103 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
28106 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
28107 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
28108 > And in LA it's 72.
28110 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
28111 is a million percent.
28112 > And in LA it's 72.
28114 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
28115 > And in LA there are 72.
28117 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
28120 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
28123 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
28126 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
28129 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
28130 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
28133 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
28135 "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
28136 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
28138 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
28139 I've missed your special date.
28140 Please say that you're not mad at me
28141 My tax return is late.
28142 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
28144 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
28148 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
28149 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
28150 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
28151 She's traversed me seven times before.
28152 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
28153 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
28154 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
28155 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
28156 N-ary the tree I am.
28157 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
28159 I'm not a lovable man.
28162 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
28163 with twenty-eight years ago.
28166 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
28170 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
28171 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
28173 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
28175 I'm not offering myself as an example;
28176 every life evolves by its own laws.
28178 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
28182 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
28184 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
28185 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
28187 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
28189 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
28193 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
28194 that some thinkle peep I am.
28195 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
28197 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
28198 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
28199 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
28200 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
28201 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
28202 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
28203 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
28204 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
28207 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
28208 totally unprepared for everyday life.
28210 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
28211 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
28216 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
28217 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
28219 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
28220 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
28221 -- English Professor, Providence College
28223 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
28225 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
28227 "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
28228 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
28229 you being a dumbass."
28230 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
28232 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
28234 I'm sorry I missed.
28237 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
28239 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
28241 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
28242 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
28244 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
28245 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
28246 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
28249 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
28250 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
28251 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
28252 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
28253 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
28255 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
28256 like pigeons and Catholics.
28259 "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
28262 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
28265 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
28266 -- Jules de Gaultier
28268 "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
28269 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
28270 thinks of complaining."
28271 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
28273 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
28274 It would mean political ruin.
28277 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
28278 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
28279 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
28280 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
28281 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
28283 "Is it PC compatible?"
28285 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
28286 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
28288 Imagine what we can imagine!
28289 -- Arthur Rubinstein
28291 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
28294 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
28295 In order for something to become clean, something else must
28296 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
28299 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
28302 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
28304 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
28306 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
28309 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
28310 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
28312 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
28315 Immutability, Three Rules of:
28316 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
28317 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
28318 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
28321 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
28322 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
28323 conflicting opinions.
28324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28326 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
28327 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
28328 Boss is reading it.
28331 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
28332 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
28333 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
28334 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
28336 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
28339 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
28342 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
28343 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
28345 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
28348 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
28349 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
28350 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
28351 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
28352 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
28354 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
28355 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
28357 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
28358 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
28359 more to its liking.
28361 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
28362 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
28365 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
28367 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
28368 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
28370 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
28371 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
28373 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
28374 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
28375 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
28376 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
28378 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
28379 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
28383 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
28384 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
28386 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
28387 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
28389 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
28390 other really likes.
28391 -- Elizabeth Ashley
28393 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
28394 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
28395 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
28396 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
28397 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
28399 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
28400 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
28401 -- Frank Mankiewicz
28403 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
28404 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
28407 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
28408 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
28409 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
28410 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
28411 superior to Tops10.
28413 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
28414 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
28416 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
28417 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
28418 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
28420 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
28421 of the risks he takes.
28424 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
28425 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
28426 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
28427 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
28428 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
28429 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
28431 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
28432 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
28436 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
28438 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
28440 -- The Peter Principle
28442 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
28443 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
28446 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
28447 are to be treated as variables.
28449 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
28450 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
28452 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
28453 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
28456 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
28459 A catch basin for everything you don't want
28460 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
28462 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
28463 the cows are known sluts.
28466 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
28467 made the World Series just something that came later.
28468 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
28470 In buying horses and taking a wife
28471 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
28473 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
28474 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
28475 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
28476 said, "up to the mathematicians."
28477 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
28479 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
28480 it into television shows.
28481 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
28483 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
28485 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
28486 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
28488 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
28489 -- The Kidner Report
28491 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
28493 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
28494 He'll kiss it and make it better.
28496 In charity there is no excess.
28499 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
28500 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
28501 be free of subjugation.
28502 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
28504 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
28505 This is called Monotony.
28507 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
28508 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
28509 to get her attention.
28511 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
28513 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
28514 in any motor vehicle.
28516 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
28517 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
28519 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
28522 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
28524 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
28525 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
28526 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
28527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28529 In dwelling, be close to the land.
28530 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
28531 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
28532 In speech, be true.
28533 In work, be competent.
28534 In action, be careful of your timing.
28537 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
28538 programming languages.
28540 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
28541 -- Thomas Jefferson
28543 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
28544 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
28546 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
28547 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
28548 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
28549 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
28552 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
28554 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
28555 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
28556 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
28557 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
28558 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
28560 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
28561 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
28563 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
28564 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
28565 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
28566 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
28567 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
28568 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
28569 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
28571 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
28573 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
28574 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
28577 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
28578 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
28580 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
28581 In all the others all she loves is love.
28582 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
28584 In high school in Brooklyn
28585 I was the baseball manager,
28586 proud as I could be
28587 I chased baseballs,
28588 gathered thrown bats
28589 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
28590 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
28591 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
28592 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
28593 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
28594 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
28595 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
28596 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
28597 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
28598 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
28599 I still recall that jacket
28600 and the memory goes on hurting.
28601 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
28603 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
28604 afterwards that causes the problems.
28607 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
28610 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
28611 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
28612 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
28615 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
28616 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
28617 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
28618 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
28620 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
28622 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
28623 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
28624 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
28626 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
28627 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
28630 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
28633 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
28636 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
28639 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
28640 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
28641 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
28643 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
28644 to take every advantage of the enemy.
28646 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
28647 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
28648 have obtained from books of travel.
28651 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
28652 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
28653 -- Thomas Jefferson
28655 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
28658 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
28659 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
28661 In most instances, all an argument
28662 proves is that two people are present.
28664 In my end is my beginning.
28665 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
28667 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
28668 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
28669 -- Nancy Banks Smith
28671 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
28672 becoming pure energy.
28673 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
28675 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
28676 punishments, there are consequences.
28679 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
28680 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
28681 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
28683 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
28684 a practice which is still continued.
28687 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
28689 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
28690 you're what's left.
28692 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
28694 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
28695 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
28697 "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
28699 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
28701 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
28702 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
28703 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28705 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
28706 Court decision and violent revolution.
28707 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
28709 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
28711 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
28712 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
28713 -- John Diefenbaker
28715 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
28716 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
28718 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
28719 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
28722 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
28723 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
28726 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
28727 want the other person.
28728 -- Margaret Anderson
28730 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
28732 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
28734 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
28735 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
28736 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
28737 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
28738 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
28739 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
28741 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
28742 merger be that far off?
28744 - Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
28746 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
28747 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
28748 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
28749 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
28750 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
28752 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
28755 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
28756 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
28757 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
28758 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
28759 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
28760 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
28761 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
28763 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
28764 is over six feet in length.
28766 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
28767 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
28769 "In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian."
28771 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
28773 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
28776 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
28779 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
28782 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
28783 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
28784 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
28786 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
28787 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
28788 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
28789 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
28790 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
28792 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
28793 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
28794 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
28796 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
28798 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
28799 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
28801 In the beginning was the word.
28802 But by the time the second word was added to it,
28804 For with it came syntax ...
28807 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
28808 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
28809 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
28810 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
28811 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
28812 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
28813 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
28814 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
28815 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
28817 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
28818 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
28819 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
28822 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
28823 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
28825 In the days of old,
28826 When Knights were bold,
28827 And women were too cautious;
28828 Oh, those gallant days,
28829 When women were women,
28830 And men were really obnoxious.
28832 In the dimestores and bus stations
28833 People talk of situations
28834 Read books repeat quotations
28835 Draw conclusions on the wall.
28838 In the early morning queue,
28839 With a listing in my hand.
28840 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
28841 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
28842 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
28843 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
28844 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
28845 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
28846 Hey, there it goes my friend,
28847 I've moved up one at last.
28848 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
28849 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
28851 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
28854 In the first place, God made idiots;
28855 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
28858 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28859 the proper order then why can't he?
28861 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
28862 the proper order then why can't he?
28865 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
28866 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
28868 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
28869 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
28870 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28872 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
28873 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
28874 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28875 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
28876 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
28877 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
28878 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
28880 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
28883 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
28884 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
28886 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
28889 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
28890 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
28893 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
28894 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
28895 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
28897 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
28900 In the long run we are all dead.
28901 -- John Maynard Keynes
28903 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
28904 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
28905 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
28907 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
28908 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
28910 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
28911 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
28912 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
28913 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
28914 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
28915 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
28918 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
28920 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
28922 In the next world, you're on your own.
28924 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
28925 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
28926 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
28928 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
28929 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
28931 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
28932 the sound of those drums."
28933 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
28934 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
28936 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
28937 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
28938 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
28939 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
28940 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
28941 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
28942 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
28944 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
28945 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
28946 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
28947 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
28948 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
28951 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
28952 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
28953 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
28954 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
28955 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
28956 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
28957 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28960 In the Spring, I have counted 136
28961 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
28962 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
28964 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
28966 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
28967 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
28970 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
28972 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
28973 In practice, there is.
28975 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
28980 Your head grows bald
28984 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
28985 -- Benjamin Franklin
28987 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
28988 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
28991 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
28992 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
28994 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
28995 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
28998 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
29000 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
29002 -- Winston Churchill
29004 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
29005 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
29008 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
29009 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
29011 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
29012 A stately pleasure dome decree,
29013 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
29014 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
29015 Down to a sunless C.
29017 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
29020 In war, truth is the first casualty.
29023 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
29024 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
29026 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
29028 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
29031 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
29032 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
29034 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
29035 A stately pleasure dome decree:
29036 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
29037 Through caverns measureless to man
29038 Down to a sunless sea.
29039 So twice five miles of fertile ground
29040 With walls and towers were girdled round:
29041 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
29042 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
29043 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
29044 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
29045 -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
29047 In youth, it was a way I had
29048 To do my best to please,
29049 And change, with every passing lad,
29050 To suit his theories.
29052 But now I know the things I know,
29053 And do the things I do;
29054 And if you do not like me so,
29055 To hell, my love, with you!
29056 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
29059 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
29060 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
29061 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
29062 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
29067 Increased knowledge will help you now.
29068 Have mate's phone bugged.
29071 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
29072 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29074 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
29076 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
29077 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
29078 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
29082 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
29083 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
29085 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
29086 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
29087 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
29090 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
29092 Individualists unite!
29094 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
29095 advance; insufferable in victory.
29096 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
29099 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
29100 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
29103 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
29104 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
29107 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
29109 Information Center, n.:
29110 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
29111 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
29113 Information is the inverse of entropy.
29115 Information Processing:
29116 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
29117 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
29119 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29121 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
29122 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
29123 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
29124 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
29125 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
29127 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
29128 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
29129 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
29133 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29135 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
29136 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
29139 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
29140 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
29143 On a Bucharest elevator:
29145 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
29146 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
29150 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
29152 Various signs in Poland:
29154 Right turn toward immediate outside.
29156 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
29158 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
29160 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
29162 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
29163 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
29166 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
29169 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
29170 and then complains of indigestion.
29172 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
29173 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
29176 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
29177 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
29178 intellectual crime.
29179 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29181 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
29183 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
29188 Innovation is hard to schedule.
29194 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
29195 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
29198 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
29200 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
29201 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
29204 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
29207 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
29208 the person who told it to you.
29210 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
29212 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
29214 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
29217 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
29219 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
29220 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
29221 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
29222 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
29223 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29225 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
29228 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
29229 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
29230 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
29231 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
29232 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
29235 Integrity has no need for rules.
29237 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
29240 Intellect annuls Fate.
29241 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
29242 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29244 Interchangeable parts won't.
29247 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
29248 burned out employees must feign.
29250 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
29251 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
29252 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
29253 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
29256 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
29257 best at, that's what I say.
29261 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
29262 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
29263 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
29264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29266 Into love and out again,
29267 Thus I went and thus I go.
29268 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
29269 Well and bitterly I know
29270 All the songs were ever sung,
29271 All the words were ever said;
29272 Could it be, when I was young,
29273 Someone dropped me on my head?
29274 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
29276 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
29279 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
29281 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
29286 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
29288 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
29290 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
29292 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
29293 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
29297 It's off to disk I go,
29298 A bit or byte to read or write,
29301 IOT trap -- core dumped
29303 IOT trap -- mos dumped
29305 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
29308 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
29309 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
29310 little paper envelopes.
29312 Iron Law of Distribution:
29313 Them that has, gets.
29316 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
29317 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
29319 "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
29320 -- Douglas Hofstadter
29322 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
29324 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
29326 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
29328 Is death legally binding?
29330 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
29331 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
29334 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
29337 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
29339 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
29340 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
29341 and such as are out wish to get in?
29344 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
29345 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
29347 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
29350 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
29352 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
29353 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
29354 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
29355 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
29357 Is there life before breakfast?
29359 Is this really happening?
29361 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
29363 Isn't air travel wonderful?
29364 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
29366 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
29367 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
29368 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
29370 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
29371 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
29372 -- Kelvin Throop III
29374 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
29375 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
29376 would make them better prospects?
29378 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
29382 Isn't it strange that the same people that
29383 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
29386 A solution in search of a problem!
29388 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
29389 The Course of Progress:
29390 Most things get steadily worse.
29391 The Path of Progress:
29392 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
29394 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
29395 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
29396 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
29397 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
29398 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
29399 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
29400 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
29401 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
29402 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
29403 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
29404 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
29406 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
29407 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
29410 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
29411 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
29412 It lies behind starts and under hills,
29413 And empty holes it fills.
29414 It comes first and follows after,
29415 Ends life, kills laughter.
29417 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
29418 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
29419 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
29420 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
29421 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
29422 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
29423 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
29424 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
29425 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
29426 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
29428 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
29429 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
29430 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
29431 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
29432 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
29433 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
29435 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
29436 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29438 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
29439 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
29440 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
29441 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
29442 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
29443 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
29445 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
29447 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
29449 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
29450 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
29452 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
29453 done and what you're going to do.
29455 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
29457 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
29458 next morning it was someone else.
29461 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
29462 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
29463 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
29464 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
29465 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
29467 It gets late early out there.
29470 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
29471 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
29473 It hangs down from the chandelier
29474 Nobody knows quite what it does
29475 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
29476 It emits a high-sounding buzz
29478 It grows a couple of feet each day
29479 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
29480 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
29481 a visiting uncle who's rich!
29482 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
29484 It happened long ago
29485 In the new magic land
29486 The Indians and the buffalo
29487 Existed hand in hand
29488 The Indians needed food
29489 They need skins for a roof
29490 The only took what they needed
29491 And the buffalo ran loose
29492 But then came the white man
29493 With his thick and empty head
29494 He couldn't see past his billfold
29495 He wanted all the buffalo dead
29496 It was sad, oh so sad.
29497 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
29499 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
29500 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
29501 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
29502 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
29503 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
29504 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
29506 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
29507 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
29508 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
29511 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
29512 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
29513 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
29514 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
29516 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
29517 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
29519 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
29521 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
29522 been searching for evidence which could support this.
29523 -- Bertrand Russell
29525 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
29526 and getting people under the influence.
29529 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29531 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
29532 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
29533 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
29534 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
29535 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
29536 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
29537 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
29538 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
29539 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
29540 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
29541 competence will be quite enough.
29542 -- The Underground Grammarian
29544 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
29545 little things are infinitely the most important.
29546 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
29548 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
29549 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
29550 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
29551 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
29553 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
29554 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
29557 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
29558 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
29559 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
29563 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
29564 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
29565 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
29567 It is a lesson which all history teaches
29568 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
29571 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
29573 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
29576 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
29577 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
29580 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
29581 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
29582 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
29583 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
29584 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
29585 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
29586 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
29587 three more than the schedule allowed.
29588 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
29589 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
29590 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
29591 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
29592 their thumbs for ten months.
29593 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
29594 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
29595 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
29596 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
29597 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
29598 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
29599 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
29601 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
29602 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
29604 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
29605 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
29606 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
29609 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
29612 It is all right to hold a conversation,
29613 but you should let go of it now and then.
29616 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
29617 you are an exceptionally good liar.
29618 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29620 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
29622 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
29623 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
29624 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
29627 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
29628 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
29629 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
29630 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
29631 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
29632 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
29633 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
29635 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
29636 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
29637 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
29639 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
29641 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
29642 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29644 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
29645 -- Andrew W. Mathis
29647 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
29650 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
29654 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
29655 One in a million, perhaps.
29657 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
29659 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
29661 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
29663 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
29665 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
29667 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
29669 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
29671 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
29673 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
29675 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
29678 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
29680 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
29682 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
29683 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
29685 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
29687 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
29688 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
29691 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
29692 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
29693 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
29695 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
29696 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
29699 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
29700 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
29701 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
29703 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
29707 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
29708 depends upon his not understanding it.
29711 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
29713 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
29714 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
29715 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
29718 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
29720 "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
29722 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
29724 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
29725 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
29726 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
29727 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
29728 attention, the harder the task.
29729 -- Sydney J. Harris
29731 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
29733 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
29736 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
29738 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
29739 -- George Santayana
29741 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
29742 -- Leonardo da Vinci
29744 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
29746 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
29748 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
29751 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
29752 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
29753 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
29755 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
29756 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
29757 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
29758 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
29760 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
29761 referring to scheduling.]
29763 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
29764 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
29767 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
29768 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
29769 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
29771 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
29773 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
29775 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
29779 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
29782 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
29784 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
29785 innovative maneuvers.
29787 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
29788 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
29789 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
29791 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
29792 -- Robert Storm Petersen
29794 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
29795 love does not lie in the ear.
29798 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
29799 Boulevard at one time.
29801 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
29803 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
29804 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
29805 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
29806 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
29807 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
29809 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
29811 It is impossible to defend perfectly
29812 against the attack of those who want to die.
29814 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
29815 unless one has plenty of work to do.
29816 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
29818 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
29822 It is impossible to make anything
29823 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
29825 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
29826 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
29830 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
29832 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
29833 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
29836 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
29837 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
29838 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
29840 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
29841 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
29842 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
29843 like a happy married life.
29846 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
29847 offense consists in doubting it.
29848 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
29850 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
29851 -- Benjamin Disraeli
29853 It is much easier to suggest solutions
29854 when you know nothing about the problem.
29856 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
29858 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
29859 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
29860 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
29861 -- George Bernard Shaw
29863 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
29866 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
29868 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
29869 that makes life blessed.
29872 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
29873 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
29874 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
29876 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29878 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
29880 It is not enough to have a good mind.
29881 The main thing is to use it well.
29884 It is not enough to have great qualities,
29885 we should also have the management of them.
29886 -- La Rochefoucauld
29888 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
29891 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
29894 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
29895 inscrutable workings of Providence.
29896 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
29898 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
29899 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
29902 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
29903 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
29904 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
29905 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
29906 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
29907 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
29908 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
29910 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
29911 that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
29912 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
29914 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
29915 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
29916 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
29917 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
29918 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
29919 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
29920 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
29924 It is not true that life is one damn thing after
29925 another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
29926 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
29928 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
29929 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
29930 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
29931 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
29932 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
29933 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
29934 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
29935 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
29936 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
29938 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
29939 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
29941 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
29943 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
29944 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
29948 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
29949 -- Grace Murray Hopper
29951 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
29952 virginity could be a virtue.
29955 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
29958 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
29959 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
29960 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
29963 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
29966 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
29967 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
29970 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
29971 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
29972 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
29974 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
29975 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
29979 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
29980 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
29981 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
29982 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
29983 should be used in its proper place.
29984 -- Christopher Strachey
29986 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
29987 -- Maimie Van Doren
29989 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
29990 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
29991 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
29992 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
29994 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
29995 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
29996 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
29997 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
29999 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
30000 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
30001 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
30002 day like any other day, only shorter.
30003 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
30005 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
30006 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
30007 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
30008 too, shall pass away."
30011 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
30012 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
30015 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
30016 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
30018 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
30019 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
30020 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
30022 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
30023 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
30025 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
30026 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
30027 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
30028 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
30029 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
30030 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
30031 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
30033 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
30034 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30036 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
30037 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
30038 until the other has gone.
30040 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
30043 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
30046 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
30047 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
30050 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
30051 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
30053 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
30056 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
30058 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
30059 lives, works and has his being.
30062 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
30063 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
30064 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
30066 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
30068 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
30070 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
30071 It produces a false impression.
30074 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
30075 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30077 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
30080 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
30081 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
30083 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
30085 It isn't easy being green.
30088 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
30089 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
30092 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
30096 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
30097 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
30099 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
30100 to Grandmother's condo.
30102 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
30103 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
30104 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30106 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
30108 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
30109 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
30110 -- Princess Leia Organa
30112 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
30113 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
30114 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
30116 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
30117 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30119 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
30120 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
30121 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
30123 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
30127 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
30128 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
30130 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
30131 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
30134 It may be that your whole purpose in life
30135 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
30137 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
30139 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
30140 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
30141 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
30142 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
30143 in those who would gain by the new ones.
30144 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
30146 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
30147 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
30148 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
30151 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
30153 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
30155 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
30156 one's life and then come round.
30157 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
30159 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
30161 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
30162 they'll come out for it.
30163 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
30169 When it reaches to the tongue
30170 It is like a mosquito
30171 When it relives from tongue
30172 It is like an elephant.
30173 -- Boorchi (first of 9 knights of Chinggis (Genghis) Khan)
30175 "It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory"
30176 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
30178 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
30179 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
30181 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
30183 It seems a little silly now, but this country
30184 was founded as a protest against taxation.
30186 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
30187 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
30188 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
30189 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
30190 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
30191 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
30193 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
30196 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
30199 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
30200 language named "research student".
30202 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
30204 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
30205 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
30206 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
30207 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
30208 average wife is like that.
30209 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
30211 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
30213 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
30215 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
30216 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
30218 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
30220 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
30222 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
30225 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
30227 It takes less time to do a thing right
30228 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
30229 -- H. W. Longfellow
30231 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
30233 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
30234 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
30235 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
30236 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
30237 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
30238 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
30239 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
30240 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
30242 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
30243 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
30246 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
30247 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
30248 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
30249 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
30250 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
30251 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
30253 It used to be the fun was in
30254 The capture and kill.
30255 In another place and time
30256 I did it all for thrills.
30259 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
30262 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
30264 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
30266 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
30267 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
30268 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
30269 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
30271 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
30272 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
30273 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
30275 "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
30278 It was all so different before everything changed.
30280 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
30281 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
30282 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
30284 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
30285 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
30288 It was one time too many
30290 It was all too much for me and you
30291 There was one way to go
30292 Nothing more we could do
30297 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
30299 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
30301 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
30303 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
30304 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
30305 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
30306 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
30307 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
30308 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
30309 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
30313 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
30314 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
30315 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
30316 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
30317 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
30318 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
30319 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
30320 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
30321 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
30322 would let me stay here for the night."
30323 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
30326 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
30327 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
30328 -- Hunter S. Thompson
30330 It was wonderful to find America, but it
30331 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
30334 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
30337 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
30338 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
30340 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
30341 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
30343 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
30344 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
30348 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
30349 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
30350 two things still safe to eat.
30353 It would be nice to be sure of anything
30354 the way some people are of everything.
30356 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
30359 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
30360 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
30361 are often slanted to the left.
30363 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
30365 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
30368 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
30371 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
30373 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
30375 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
30378 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
30381 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
30383 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
30384 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
30386 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
30388 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
30389 when you lose yours.
30392 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
30396 "What's a summons?"
30397 "It means summon's in trouble."
30398 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
30400 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
30401 -- Churchy La Femme
30403 It's all in the mind, ya know.
30405 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
30408 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
30409 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
30410 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
30411 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
30412 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
30413 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
30414 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
30415 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
30416 have thought it up, I wonder?"
30419 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
30421 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
30423 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
30426 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
30427 with if only they'd make the first approach.
30429 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
30431 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
30433 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
30436 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
30437 but why do the rats always have to win?
30439 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
30442 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
30445 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
30447 It's business doing pleasure with you.
30449 It's clever, but is it art?
30451 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
30453 "It's easier said than done."
30455 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
30456 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
30457 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
30460 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
30463 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
30464 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
30466 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
30469 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
30470 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
30472 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
30474 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
30477 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
30478 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
30479 the ignorance of the community.
30482 It's faster horses,
30486 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
30488 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
30489 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
30491 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
30492 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
30496 It's gonna be alright,
30497 It's almost midnight,
30498 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
30500 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
30501 even if most of them are bad.
30503 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
30504 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
30506 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
30508 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
30509 it's harder to know where the limits are.
30512 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
30515 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
30516 you're getting something off your chest.
30518 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
30519 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
30521 It's hard to think of you as the end
30522 result of millions of years of evolution.
30524 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
30526 It's important that people know what you stand for.
30527 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
30529 It's interesting to think that many quite
30530 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
30532 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
30533 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
30534 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
30535 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
30537 It's just a jump to the left
30538 And then a step to the right.
30539 Put your hands on your hips
30540 And pull your knees in tight.
30541 It's the pelvic thrust
30542 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
30544 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
30546 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
30548 It's just apartment house rules,
30549 So all you 'partment house fools
30550 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30551 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
30552 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
30554 "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
30557 It's later than you think.
30559 It's later than you think, the joint
30560 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
30562 It's like deja vu all over again.
30569 and even the teddy bears
30572 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
30573 you're going in the wrong direction.
30575 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
30578 It's multiple choice time...
30582 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
30583 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
30586 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
30587 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
30590 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
30592 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
30593 a sickness you like.
30596 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
30597 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
30600 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
30602 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
30605 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
30608 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
30609 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
30611 It's not easy being green.
30614 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
30617 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
30620 "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
30623 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
30624 what you're taking for it...
30626 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
30628 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
30632 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
30633 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
30636 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
30638 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
30641 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
30644 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
30647 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
30649 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
30651 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
30652 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
30653 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
30654 -- Sydney J. Harris
30656 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
30657 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
30660 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
30661 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
30662 elected governor of California.
30664 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
30665 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
30667 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
30668 as a warning to others.
30670 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
30671 poverty and wealth have both failed.
30674 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
30676 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
30678 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
30679 society will take full responsibility for you.
30681 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
30682 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
30683 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
30684 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
30687 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
30689 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
30690 have been all over it.
30691 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
30693 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
30694 just to see if it's real,
30695 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
30696 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
30697 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
30698 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
30699 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
30701 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
30703 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
30705 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
30706 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30708 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
30709 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
30710 -- Franklin P. Jones
30712 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
30713 boy gets another beer.
30716 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
30718 "It's today!" said Piglet.
30719 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
30721 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
30722 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
30724 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
30725 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
30726 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
30728 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
30729 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
30731 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
30732 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
30733 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
30734 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
30735 inevitably unsuccessful.
30736 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
30737 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
30738 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
30739 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
30740 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
30741 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
30742 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
30743 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
30744 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
30745 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
30746 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
30747 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
30748 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
30749 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
30750 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
30752 I've already told you more than I know.
30754 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
30756 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
30757 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
30759 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
30760 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
30763 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
30768 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
30771 I've been on this lonely road so long,
30772 Does anybody know where it goes,
30773 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
30775 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
30779 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
30780 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
30781 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
30782 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
30783 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
30784 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
30785 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
30786 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
30788 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
30789 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
30790 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
30791 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
30793 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
30794 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
30795 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
30797 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
30799 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
30800 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
30801 -- Dennie van Tassel
30803 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
30804 this little hole in the bottom ...
30807 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
30809 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
30812 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
30815 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
30818 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
30821 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
30822 I'd like to watch him have another.
30824 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
30827 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
30830 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
30831 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
30833 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
30835 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
30838 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
30841 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
30844 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
30848 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
30851 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
30853 I've only got 12 cards.
30855 "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
30857 "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
30858 -- Senator Claghorn
30860 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
30861 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
30862 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
30863 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
30864 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
30865 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
30867 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
30868 And from that full meridian of my glory
30869 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
30870 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
30871 And no man see me more.
30874 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
30875 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
30876 -- Tallulah Bankhead
30878 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
30879 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
30880 legislature is in session.
30884 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
30885 ones; the meek the girls(the
30886 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
30887 all except the cold ones; the slim
30888 ones plump tiny tall)
30893 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
30895 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
30896 all except ones; the mean
30897 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
30899 except the green ones
30902 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
30903 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
30906 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
30907 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
30908 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
30910 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
30911 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
30912 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
30913 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
30914 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
30915 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
30916 television?" and "Good night".
30917 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
30921 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
30922 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
30923 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
30924 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
30925 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
30927 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
30934 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
30936 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
30937 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
30939 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
30940 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
30943 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
30944 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
30945 each other so that everybody is cramped.
30947 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
30948 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
30949 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
30951 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
30952 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
30953 to you. You gonna pay it?
30956 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
30957 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
30960 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
30962 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
30965 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
30966 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
30967 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
30968 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
30969 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
30970 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
30971 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
30972 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
30973 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
30975 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
30978 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
30980 John Dame May Oscar
30981 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
30982 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
30983 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
30986 John Birch Society:
30987 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
30988 -- Edward P. Morgan
30990 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
30992 (George and Ringo miffed.)
30994 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
30995 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
30996 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
30997 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
30998 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
30999 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
31000 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
31001 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
31002 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
31004 Johnny Carson's Definition:
31005 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
31006 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
31007 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
31009 Johnson's First Law:
31010 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
31011 most inconvenient possible time.
31014 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
31016 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
31017 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
31019 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
31020 exciting people, and kill them.
31022 Join the march to save individuality!
31024 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
31025 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
31028 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
31029 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
31030 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
31031 importance of their original contribution.
31034 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
31037 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
31040 Joshu: What is the true Way?
31041 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
31043 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
31044 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
31045 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
31046 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
31047 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
31048 yourself as wide as the sky.
31050 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
31053 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
31055 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
31056 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
31057 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
31059 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
31060 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
31061 someone else's cash.
31062 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
31064 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
31067 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
31068 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
31069 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
31071 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
31072 6: It matches my eyes.
31073 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
31074 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
31075 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
31076 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
31077 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
31078 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
31080 Just a song before I go, Going through security
31081 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
31082 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
31083 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
31084 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
31085 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
31086 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
31087 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
31088 She helped me with my suitcase,
31089 She stands before my eyes,
31090 Driving me to the airport
31091 And to the friendly skies.
31092 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
31094 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
31095 (and nobody cares about it).
31096 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
31098 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
31099 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
31100 daydreams about women.
31101 -- George Bernard Shaw
31103 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
31104 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
31105 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
31106 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
31107 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
31108 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
31109 sense of respect for the whole truth.
31110 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
31112 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
31115 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
31117 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
31121 Just because the message may never be
31122 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
31124 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
31125 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
31127 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
31129 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
31132 Just because your doctor has a name for your
31133 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
31135 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
31137 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
31138 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
31141 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
31143 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
31144 get a prompt, type like hell.
31146 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
31147 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
31148 about his or her love affairs.
31151 Just machines to make big decisions,
31152 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
31153 We'll be clean when their work is done,
31154 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
31155 What a beautiful world this will be,
31156 What a glorious time to be free.
31157 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
31159 Just once, I wish we would encounter
31160 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
31161 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
31163 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
31164 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
31165 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
31167 "Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
31170 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
31171 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
31173 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
31174 As he landed his crew with care;
31175 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
31176 By a finger entwined in his hair.
31178 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
31179 That alone should encourage the crew.
31180 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
31181 What I tell you three times is true.'
31183 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
31184 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
31187 Just to have it is enough.
31189 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
31190 of all the others, and then do what's best.
31191 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
31193 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
31195 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
31198 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
31199 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
31200 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
31201 Just can't remember who to send it to...
31203 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
31204 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
31205 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
31206 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
31207 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
31208 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
31210 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
31211 -- Michael J. Wagner
31213 Justice is incidental to law and order.
31217 A decision in your favor.
31219 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
31220 Cobol's wordy and confining;
31221 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
31222 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
31223 -- The Roguelet's ABC
31226 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
31227 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
31229 Kamikazes do it once.
31232 Where the men are men and so are the women!
31234 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
31237 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
31239 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
31240 package of snack food.
31242 Gibson the Cat's Corrolary:
31244 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
31247 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
31248 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
31250 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
31253 Men and nations will act rationally when
31254 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
31256 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
31257 exhausted all other alternatives.
31260 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
31261 Population density is inversely proportional
31262 to the square of the distance from the keg.
31265 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
31266 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
31268 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
31271 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
31273 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
31274 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
31275 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
31276 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
31277 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
31278 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
31280 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
31281 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
31283 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
31285 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
31287 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
31288 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31289 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31290 force is technically termed "car suck").
31291 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31293 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
31294 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
31295 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
31296 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
31297 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
31298 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
31299 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
31300 in the head and knock you silly.
31302 Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
31303 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
31304 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
31305 force is technically termed "car suck").
31306 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
31309 Keep it short for pithy sake.
31311 Keep on keepin' on.
31313 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
31314 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
31317 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
31320 Keep the phase, baby.
31322 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
31324 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
31325 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
31326 at the end of six months.
31329 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
31331 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
31332 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
31333 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
31334 Your Feet on the Ground,
31335 Your Head on your Shoulders.
31336 Now... try to get something DONE!
31338 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
31339 -- Benjamin Franklin
31341 Keep your laws off my body!
31343 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
31344 Open it and you remove all doubt.
31346 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
31347 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
31348 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
31349 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
31350 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
31353 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
31354 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
31355 you've got to go broke.
31358 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
31361 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
31362 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
31363 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
31366 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
31367 traditions of sorcery and black art.
31369 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
31370 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
31371 and parking for the faculty.
31373 Kettering's Observation:
31374 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
31376 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
31378 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
31379 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
31380 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
31381 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
31382 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
31383 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
31384 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
31386 Kill a commy for your mommy.
31388 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
31390 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
31395 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
31400 Killing turkeys causes winter.
31404 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
31405 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
31408 An affliction of the blood
31410 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
31413 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
31416 Kington's Law of Perforation:
31417 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
31418 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
31421 Kinkler's First Law:
31422 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
31424 Kinkler's Second Law:
31425 All the easy problems have been solved.
31427 Kirk to Enterprise...
31429 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
31431 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
31432 any of its streets.
31434 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
31436 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
31437 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
31439 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
31441 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
31443 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
31445 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
31447 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
31450 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
31451 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
31452 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
31454 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
31455 Butter up a friend.
31457 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
31458 -- Winston Churchill
31460 Klatu barada nikto.
31462 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
31464 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
31468 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31470 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
31471 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
31473 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
31474 100% Damage to life support!!!!
31477 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
31479 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
31482 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
31483 causes of statistics.
31485 Knights are hardly worth it.
31486 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
31492 Sam and Janet Evening...
31494 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
31497 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
31498 Stay on the Happy side of life!
31499 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
31500 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
31501 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
31503 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
31504 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
31505 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
31506 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
31507 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
31508 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
31509 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
31510 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
31511 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
31512 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
31514 Knocked, you weren't in.
31517 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
31525 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
31527 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
31531 Things you believe.
31533 Knowledge is power.
31536 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
31537 -- Aleister Crowley
31539 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
31541 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
31542 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
31543 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
31544 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
31545 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
31548 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
31550 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
31551 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
31552 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31555 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
31556 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
31557 From mud slides to brush fires.
31560 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
31561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31563 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
31565 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
31566 -- George Bernard Shaw
31571 3. Never volunteer for anything.
31573 Lactomangulation, n.:
31574 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
31575 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
31576 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31578 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
31580 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
31581 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
31582 I come before you to stand behind you
31583 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
31584 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
31585 There will be a convention held in the
31586 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
31587 Admission is free, pay at the door,
31588 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
31589 It was a summer's day in winter,
31590 And the snow was raining fast,
31591 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
31592 Stood sitting in the grass.
31593 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
31594 Two dead men got up to fight.
31595 Three blind men to see fair play,
31596 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
31597 Back to back, they faced each other,
31598 Drew their swords and shot each other.
31599 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
31600 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
31602 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
31603 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
31604 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
31605 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
31606 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
31608 -- Billie Jean King
31610 Lady, lady, should you meet
31611 One whose ways are all discreet,
31612 One who murmurs that his wife
31613 Is the lodestar of his life,
31614 One who keeps assuring you
31615 That he never was untrue,
31616 Never loved another one...
31617 Lady, lady, better run!
31618 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
31620 Lady Luck brings added income today.
31621 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
31624 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
31626 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
31628 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
31629 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
31630 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
31632 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
31633 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
31634 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
31635 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
31636 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
31637 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
31638 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
31639 you would pin this on your white meat."
31642 Look to your stern!
31643 Your house is on fire,
31644 Your children will burn!
31645 So jump ye and sing, for
31646 The very first time
31647 The four lines above
31648 Have been put into rhyme.
31651 Laetrile is the pits.
31653 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
31654 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
31656 Lake Erie died for your sins.
31658 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
31660 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
31661 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
31662 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
31663 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
31664 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
31666 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
31669 (1) Everything depends.
31670 (2) Nothing is always.
31671 (3) Everything is sometimes.
31673 Language is a virus from another planet.
31674 -- William Burroughs
31676 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
31677 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
31678 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
31682 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
31683 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
31684 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
31685 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
31686 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
31688 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
31689 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
31692 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
31693 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
31694 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
31695 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
31696 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
31697 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
31698 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
31699 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
31700 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
31703 All laws are basically false.
31708 Last guys don't finish nice.
31709 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
31711 "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
31712 had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
31713 my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
31716 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
31717 the pillow was gone.
31720 Last night I met upon the stair
31721 A little man who wasn't there.
31722 He wasn't there again today.
31723 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
31725 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
31726 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
31729 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
31730 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
31732 Last week's pet, this week's special.
31734 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
31735 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
31736 I don't remember what it was.
31739 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
31741 Latin is a language,
31743 First it killed the Romans,
31744 And now it's killing me.
31746 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
31748 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
31750 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
31752 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
31754 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
31756 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
31758 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
31762 No child throws up in the bathroom.
31764 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
31765 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
31767 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
31768 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
31769 -- Richard M. Nixon
31771 Law of Communications:
31772 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
31773 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
31774 area of misunderstanding.
31777 Experiments should be reproducible.
31778 They should all fail the same way.
31780 Law of Probable Dispersal:
31781 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
31783 Law of Selective Gravity:
31784 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
31786 Jenning's Corollary:
31787 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
31788 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
31791 He who hesitates is lunch.
31794 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
31796 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
31797 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
31799 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
31801 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
31803 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
31804 -- Otto von Bismarck
31806 Laws of Computer Programming:
31807 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
31808 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
31809 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
31810 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
31811 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
31812 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
31813 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
31814 the programmer who must maintain it.
31816 Laws of Serendipity:
31818 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
31820 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
31821 be engaged in making an inferior one.
31824 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
31828 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
31829 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
31830 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
31832 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
31835 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
31838 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
31841 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
31842 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
31843 Is to keep the lightning out.
31844 But what these unobservant birds
31845 Have failed to notice is that herds
31846 Of bears may come with buns
31847 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
31849 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
31850 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
31851 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
31854 Marrying a pregnant woman.
31856 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
31857 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
31858 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
31859 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
31861 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
31863 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
31865 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
31867 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
31870 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
31871 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
31872 quicker you can do it.
31874 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
31875 everything else follows in the same way.
31878 Learning without thought is labor lost;
31879 thought without learning is perilous.
31882 Leave no stone unturned.
31886 Mother said there would be days like this,
31887 but she never said that there'd be so many!
31889 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31891 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
31894 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
31895 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
31896 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
31897 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
31901 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
31902 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
31904 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
31905 Proof (by induction):
31906 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
31907 horses in that set are the same color.
31908 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
31909 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
31910 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
31911 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
31912 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
31913 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
31914 horses are the same color.
31915 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
31916 Proof (by intimidation):
31917 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
31918 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
31919 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
31920 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
31921 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
31922 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
31923 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
31924 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
31926 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
31928 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
31930 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
31932 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
31933 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
31934 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
31935 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
31937 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31938 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
31939 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
31940 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
31942 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
31943 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
31944 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
31945 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
31946 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
31949 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
31951 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
31954 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
31956 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
31957 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
31959 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
31960 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
31964 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
31965 Admit impediments. Love is not love
31966 Which alters when it alteration finds,
31967 Or bends with the remover to remove:
31968 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
31969 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
31970 It is the star to every wandering bark,
31971 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
31972 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
31973 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
31974 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
31975 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
31976 If this be error and upon me proved,
31977 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
31979 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
31981 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
31982 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
31984 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
31985 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
31986 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
31987 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
31988 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
31989 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
31990 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
31991 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
31996 Let my petty body exhausted,
31997 But not my state nature.
31998 Let my whole body exhausted
31999 But not my entire state
32000 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
32002 Let no guilty man escape.
32005 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
32007 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
32008 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
32010 Let sleeping dogs lie.
32013 Let the machine do the dirty work.
32014 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
32016 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
32019 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
32020 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
32022 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
32023 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
32026 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
32027 -- Benjamin Franklin
32029 Let us go then you and I
32030 while the night is laid out against the sky
32031 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
32033 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
32036 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
32037 The muttering retreats
32038 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
32039 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
32040 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
32041 Of insidious intent
32042 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
32043 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
32044 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
32048 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
32052 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
32053 but let us never fear to negotiate.
32056 Let us not look back in anger or forward
32057 in fear, but around us in awareness.
32060 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
32062 Let us treat men and women well;
32063 Treat them as if they were real;
32065 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
32067 Let your conscience be your guide.
32071 [The state, that's me.]
32075 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
32077 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
32079 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
32080 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
32081 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
32082 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
32083 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
32084 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
32085 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
32087 Let's love each other slowly,
32088 reaching for a plane,
32089 of exquisite pleasure,
32093 Let's not complicate our relationship
32094 by trying to communicate with each other.
32096 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
32098 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
32101 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
32102 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
32103 Anguish. You would sue:
32105 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
32106 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
32107 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
32110 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
32111 cretin like yourself.
32113 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
32114 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
32115 a large cash settlement anyway.
32118 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
32119 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
32120 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
32121 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
32122 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
32123 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
32124 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
32125 It's not his money.
32126 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
32128 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
32132 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
32133 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
32134 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
32135 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
32136 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
32137 agricultural industry.
32140 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
32144 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
32145 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
32147 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
32149 Lewis's Law of Travel:
32150 The first piece of luggage out of the
32151 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
32153 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
32157 A lawyer with a roving commission.
32158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32160 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
32164 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
32166 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
32167 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
32168 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
32170 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
32171 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32173 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
32174 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
32176 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
32177 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
32178 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
32179 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
32181 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
32182 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
32183 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
32184 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
32185 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
32188 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
32189 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
32190 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
32191 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
32195 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
32196 discovered to date.
32199 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
32201 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
32205 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
32208 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
32211 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
32213 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
32215 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
32216 -- Miss November, 1966
32218 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
32221 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
32223 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
32224 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
32226 Life exists for no known purpose.
32228 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
32229 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
32230 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
32231 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
32234 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
32235 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
32236 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
32238 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
32239 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
32242 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
32243 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
32245 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
32246 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
32247 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
32248 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
32251 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
32253 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
32254 A medley of extemporania;
32255 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
32256 And I am Marie of Roumania.
32257 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
32259 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
32262 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
32264 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
32266 -- Charles Baudelaire
32268 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
32271 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
32272 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
32275 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
32277 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
32279 Life is an exciting business, and most
32280 exciting when it is lived for others.
32282 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
32284 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
32286 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
32288 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
32289 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
32291 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
32293 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
32295 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
32297 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
32300 "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
32301 eat it nevertheless."
32304 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
32306 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
32308 Life is like a sewer.
32309 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
32312 Life is like a simile.
32314 Life is like a tin of sardines.
32315 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
32316 -- Beyond the Fringe
32318 Life is like an analogy
32320 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
32321 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
32323 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
32324 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
32327 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
32328 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
32331 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
32332 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
32333 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
32335 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
32336 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
32338 Life is not for everyone.
32340 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
32341 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
32343 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
32346 Life is the living you do,
32347 Death is the living you don't do.
32350 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
32352 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
32354 "Life is too important to take seriously."
32357 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
32360 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
32363 Life is wasted on the living.
32364 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
32366 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
32367 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
32369 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
32372 "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
32374 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32376 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
32377 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
32379 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
32380 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
32381 -- Dag Hammarskjold
32383 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
32384 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
32385 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
32386 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
32387 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
32388 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
32390 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
32393 "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
32394 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
32396 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
32399 "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
32400 weren't for other people"
32403 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
32406 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
32407 -- George Bernard Shaw
32409 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
32411 Lift every voice and sing
32412 Till earth and heaven ring,
32413 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
32414 Let our rejoicing rise
32415 High as the listening skies,
32416 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
32418 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
32419 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
32420 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
32421 Let us march on till victory is won.
32422 -- James Weldon Johnson
32424 Lighten up, while you still can,
32425 Don't even try to understand,
32426 Just find a place to make your stand,
32428 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
32431 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
32432 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
32435 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
32437 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
32438 the difference between one young woman and another.
32439 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
32441 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
32442 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
32443 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
32444 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
32445 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
32446 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
32447 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
32448 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
32450 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
32451 see her little dog Pritzi again.
32452 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
32454 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
32455 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
32456 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
32457 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
32459 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
32460 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
32461 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
32462 worst possible novel.
32464 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
32465 I threw the last punch way too hard,
32466 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
32467 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
32468 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
32469 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
32470 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
32471 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
32472 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
32473 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
32474 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
32475 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
32476 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
32477 You know I can't think straight no more
32478 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
32479 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
32480 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
32482 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
32483 weren't so damned great!
32484 -- Armistead Maupin
32486 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
32487 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
32488 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
32489 like the Rolling Stones?
32490 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
32491 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
32493 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
32494 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
32495 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
32496 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
32497 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
32501 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
32503 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
32504 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
32505 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
32507 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
32508 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
32511 Like the time I ran away...
32512 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
32513 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
32515 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
32517 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
32518 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
32519 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
32520 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
32521 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
32522 -- Senior Year Quote
32524 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
32525 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
32527 Q -- Is there life after death?
32528 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
32529 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
32530 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
32531 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
32532 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
32533 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
32534 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
32535 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
32536 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
32539 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
32540 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
32541 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
32543 Limericks are art forms complex,
32544 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
32545 They usually have virgins,
32546 And masculine urgin's,
32547 And other erotic effects.
32549 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
32550 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
32552 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
32553 Kennedy in November 1960.
32555 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
32557 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
32560 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
32561 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
32563 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32564 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
32566 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
32567 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
32569 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
32571 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
32573 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
32574 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
32576 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
32577 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
32580 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
32581 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
32582 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
32583 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
32585 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
32586 Maybe we should think only about today.
32588 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
32592 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
32594 Lions in the street and roaming,
32595 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
32596 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
32597 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
32599 Went down south across the border,
32600 Left the chaos and disorder
32601 Back there, over his shoulder.
32602 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
32603 A strange creature groaning beside him.
32604 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
32605 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
32606 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
32609 To call a spade a thpade.
32611 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32612 Lisp Machine is Fun.
32613 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
32617 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
32619 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
32620 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
32621 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
32622 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
32623 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
32624 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
32625 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
32626 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
32627 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
32628 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
32629 a panacea so alleged.
32630 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
32631 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
32632 facing up to the recession?"
32634 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
32635 is the other way round.
32636 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
32639 -- Ronald Macdonald
32642 Thy summer's play If thought is life
32643 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
32644 Has brush'd away. And the want
32645 Of thought is death,
32647 A fly like thee? Then am I
32648 Or art not thou A happy fly
32649 A man like me? If I live
32654 Till some blind hand
32655 Shall brush my wing.
32656 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
32658 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
32661 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
32662 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
32664 Little Known Facts, #23:
32665 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
32666 the BMW repair garage?
32668 Little Mary on the ice,
32669 Went out to have a frisk,
32670 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
32673 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
32674 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
32676 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
32679 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
32681 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
32683 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
32684 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
32685 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
32687 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
32690 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
32691 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
32692 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
32694 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
32695 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
32697 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
32698 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
32700 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
32703 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
32704 to want things that nobody else wants.
32707 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
32708 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
32710 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
32711 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
32714 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
32716 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
32717 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
32718 Don't you envy people who
32719 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
32721 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
32722 -- Henry David Thoreau
32724 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
32725 interest rates, we don't need it."
32728 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
32729 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
32730 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
32731 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
32732 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
32733 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
32734 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
32735 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
32736 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
32737 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
32738 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
32739 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
32740 you and your friends will be, too.
32741 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
32742 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
32744 Lockwood's Long Shot:
32745 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
32746 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
32748 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
32751 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
32753 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
32755 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
32757 Logicians have but ill defined
32758 As rational the human kind.
32759 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
32760 But let them prove it if they can.
32761 -- Oliver Goldsmith
32765 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
32768 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
32769 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
32770 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
32771 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
32772 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
32773 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
32774 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
32775 Bulletin Board System).
32777 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
32778 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
32779 -- '80 Microcomputing
32781 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
32783 Lonely is a man without love.
32784 -- Englebert Humperdinck
32786 Lonely men seek companionship.
32787 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
32794 Like to meet new and interesting people?
32796 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
32798 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
32799 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
32800 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
32801 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
32803 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
32805 Long life is in store for you.
32807 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
32808 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
32809 pain and his aloneness without regret?
32810 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
32812 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
32814 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
32816 Look at it this way:
32817 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
32818 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
32819 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32821 Look at it this way:
32822 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
32823 forget $26,000 of college education.
32824 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
32826 Look before you leap.
32832 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
32834 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
32835 to pay income taxes, too?
32836 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
32838 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
32839 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
32843 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
32844 -- Stephen Sondheim
32846 Loose bits sink chips.
32848 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
32849 -- Charles D'Hericault
32851 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
32852 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
32854 Losing your drivers' license is just
32855 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
32857 Lost: gray and white female cat.
32858 Answers to electric can opener.
32860 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
32862 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
32864 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
32867 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
32868 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
32870 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
32873 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32874 Louie Louie, me gotta go
32876 Fine little girl she waits for me
32877 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
32878 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
32879 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
32880 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
32881 I smell the rose in her hair
32882 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
32883 It won't be long, me see my love
32884 I take her in my arms and then
32885 Me tell her I never leave again
32886 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
32889 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
32892 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
32895 When, if asked to choose between your lover
32896 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
32899 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
32902 When you don't want someone too close--
32903 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
32906 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
32908 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
32910 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
32912 Love America - or give it back.
32914 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
32916 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
32917 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
32919 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
32922 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
32923 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
32925 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
32926 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
32927 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
32929 Love is a grave mental disease.
32932 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
32935 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
32936 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
32937 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
32939 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
32940 Hate is a word that is not.
32941 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
32942 Love, I have read, is hot.
32943 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
32944 And Love but a drug on the mart.
32945 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
32946 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
32949 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
32950 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
32951 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
32953 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
32954 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
32957 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
32960 Love is being stupid together.
32963 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
32964 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
32965 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
32967 Love is in the offing.
32968 -- The Homicidal Maniac
32970 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
32972 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
32973 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
32974 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
32978 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
32979 -- Jerome K. Jerome
32981 Love is never asking why?
32983 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
32985 Love is sentimental measles.
32987 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
32989 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
32990 raises some pretty good questions.
32993 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
32996 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
32997 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
32998 -- Charles Baudelaire
33000 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
33003 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
33006 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
33009 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
33011 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
33014 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
33016 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
33017 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
33019 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
33022 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
33023 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
33025 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
33027 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
33028 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
33030 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
33031 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
33033 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
33035 Love tells us many things that are not so.
33036 -- Krainian Proverb
33038 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
33040 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
33043 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
33045 Love to eat them mousies,
33046 Mousies I love to eat.
33047 Bite they little heads off,
33048 Nibble at they tiny feet.
33051 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
33052 seized this one for the fair form
33053 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
33054 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
33055 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
33056 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
33057 Love brought us to one death.
33058 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
33060 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
33061 trying to figure out what you're up to.
33063 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
33064 -- Benjamin Franklin
33067 If it jams -- force it. If it
33068 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
33070 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
33072 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
33073 There's always one more bug.
33075 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
33076 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
33077 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
33078 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
33079 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
33080 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
33082 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
33085 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
33089 When you have a wife and a cigarette
33090 lighter -- both of which work.
33092 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
33094 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
33095 Can't you be serious for once?
33096 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
33097 of the more important things in life!
33101 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
33102 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
33104 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
33105 The place where optimism most flourishes.
33107 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
33110 Lysistrata had a good idea.
33112 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
33114 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
33116 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
33118 "I said `intellectual'."
33121 Machine-Independent, adj.:
33122 Does not run on any existing machine.
33124 Machine-independent program:
33125 A program that will not run on any machine.
33127 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
33128 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
33131 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
33134 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
33138 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
33140 Macho does not prove mucho.
33144 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
33145 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33147 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
33148 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
33152 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
33154 Madness takes its toll.
33157 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
33158 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
33159 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
33160 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
33161 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
33162 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
33163 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
33164 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
33165 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
33166 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
33167 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
33168 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
33169 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
33170 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
33171 entire nodal aggravations.
33172 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
33174 Magary's Principle:
33175 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
33176 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
33177 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
33179 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
33181 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
33183 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
33185 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
33186 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
33187 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
33189 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33192 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
33194 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
33197 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
33198 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
33199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33202 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
33205 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
33206 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
33207 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
33208 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
33209 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
33210 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
33211 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
33212 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
33215 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
33216 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
33217 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
33221 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
33222 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
33225 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
33226 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
33227 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
33228 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
33231 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
33233 Maintainer's Motto:
33234 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
33236 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
33237 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
33238 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
33241 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
33243 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33245 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33247 Secondary Conclusion:
33248 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
33249 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
33251 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
33254 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
33256 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
33257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33259 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
33263 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
33265 Make a wish, it might come true.
33267 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
33269 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
33271 Make it right before you make it faster.
33273 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
33274 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
33276 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
33278 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
33280 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
33281 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
33282 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
33283 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
33284 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
33287 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
33290 The reason surgeons wear masks.
33293 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
33294 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33295 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
33296 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
33297 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
33300 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
33303 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
33305 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
33307 Man and wife make one fool.
33309 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
33310 -- Wernher von Braun
33312 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
33313 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
33314 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
33315 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
33316 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
33317 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
33319 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
33322 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
33324 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
33327 Man is a military animal,
33328 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
33331 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
33332 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
33335 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
33336 no dog exchanges bones with another.
33339 Man is by nature a political animal.
33342 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
33343 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
33344 -- Wernher von Braun
33346 Man is the measure of all things.
33349 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
33352 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
33353 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
33354 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
33356 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
33357 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
33358 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
33361 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
33362 -- Arthur R. Miller
33365 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
33366 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
33367 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
33368 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
33369 habitable earth and Canada.
33370 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33372 Man proposes, God disposes.
33375 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
33379 Man who arrives at party two hours late
33380 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
33382 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
33384 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
33386 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
33388 Man will never fly.
33389 Space travel is merely a dream.
33390 All aspirin is alike.
33392 Management: How many feet do mice have?
33393 Reply: Mice have four feet.
33395 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
33396 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
33397 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
33398 M: What? Feet with no legs?
33399 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
33400 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
33401 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
33402 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
33403 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
33404 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
33405 is not equipped with a foot.
33406 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
33407 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
33408 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
33409 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
33410 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
33411 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
33412 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
33413 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
33414 ornamental in nature.
33415 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
33416 R: Mice have four feet.
33419 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
33422 A man known for giving great meeting.
33424 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
33425 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
33426 don't think, right?"
33430 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
33433 Easy glum, easy glow.
33435 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
33438 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
33439 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
33440 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
33441 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
33444 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
33445 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
33446 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
33449 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
33452 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
33454 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
33456 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
33457 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
33458 -- Sydney J. Harris
33461 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
33462 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
33463 you need is in the others.
33466 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
33469 Many a family tree needs trimming.
33471 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
33472 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
33473 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
33475 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
33476 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
33477 -- Finley Peter Dunne
33479 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
33480 can easily support two or more.
33482 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
33483 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
33484 -- George D. Prentice
33486 Many are called, few are chosen.
33487 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
33489 Many are called, few volunteer.
33491 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
33493 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
33495 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
33496 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
33497 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
33498 their data processing systems.
33499 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
33501 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
33502 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
33503 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
33504 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
33505 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
33506 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
33508 Many hands make light work.
33511 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
33513 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
33514 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
33515 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
33516 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
33517 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
33518 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
33519 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
33520 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
33521 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
33522 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
33523 -- Francis Galton, 1909
33525 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
33526 tricks on me and treating me badly.
33527 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
33529 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
33530 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
33531 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
33533 Many pages make a thick book.
33535 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
33538 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
33539 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
33541 Many people are secretly interested in life.
33543 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
33545 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
33547 Many people feel that if you won't let
33548 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
33550 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
33551 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
33553 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
33555 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
33556 -- Bertrand Russell
33558 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
33560 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
33563 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
33564 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
33565 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
33566 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
33569 Margaret, are you grieving
33570 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
33571 Leaves, like the things of man,
33572 You, with your fresh thoughts
33574 Ah! as the heart grows older
33575 It will come to such sights colder
33576 By and by, nor spare a sigh
33577 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
33578 And yet you will weep and know why.
33579 Now no matter, child, the name
33580 Sorrow's springs are the same:
33581 It is the blight man was born for,
33582 It is Margaret you mourn for.
33583 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
33587 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
33588 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
33590 Peach blossom: I am your captive
33591 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
33593 Rose, any color: Love
33594 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
33595 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
33596 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
33597 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
33598 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
33599 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
33600 Rosemary: Remembrance
33601 Sunflower: Haughtiness
33602 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
33603 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
33604 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
33605 Violet, white: Modesty
33606 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
33607 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
33609 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
33611 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
33612 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
33613 it in order to protect themselves.
33616 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
33617 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
33618 that require a simple yes or no answer.
33621 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
33622 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
33623 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
33628 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
33629 insincerity possible between two human beings.
33632 Marriage causes dating problems.
33634 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
33637 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
33639 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
33640 not ready for an institution yet.
33643 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
33644 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
33647 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
33649 Marriage is a three ring circus:
33650 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
33653 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
33654 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
33656 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
33657 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
33659 -- George Jean Nathan
33661 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
33663 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
33664 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
33666 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
33669 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
33670 burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
33673 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
33676 Marriage is the process of finding out what
33677 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
33679 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
33684 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
33687 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
33689 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
33690 connected by a thin strand.
33692 Come on, Marta, grow up.
33693 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33695 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
33696 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
33697 territory from invasion by another group."
33699 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
33700 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33702 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
33703 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
33704 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
33706 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
33707 -- George Bernard Shaw
33709 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
33710 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
33712 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
33713 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
33714 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
33715 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
33716 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
33717 named a drink Fred?"
33719 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
33720 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
33722 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
33723 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
33724 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
33725 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
33726 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
33727 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
33728 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
33729 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
33730 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
33731 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
33732 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
33733 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
33737 You can always find what you're not looking for.
33739 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
33740 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
33742 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
33745 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
33746 you treat everything like a nail.
33748 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
33749 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
33751 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
33753 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
33754 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
33757 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
33758 -- Christopher Hampton
33760 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
33763 Mater artium necessitas.
33764 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
33766 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
33769 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
33770 Please, don't drink and derive.
33777 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
33781 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
33783 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
33784 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
33785 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
33787 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
33788 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
33790 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
33793 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
33796 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
33798 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
33799 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
33802 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
33803 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
33806 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
33807 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
33808 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
33809 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
33810 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
33811 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
33812 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
33813 -- Bertrand Russell
33815 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
33817 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
33819 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
33820 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
33822 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
33824 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
33825 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
33826 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
33829 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
33833 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
33835 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
33836 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
33838 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
33840 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
33842 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
33844 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
33846 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
33848 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
33850 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
33851 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
33852 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
33854 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
33856 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
33858 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
33860 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
33861 a full moon on a dark night,
33862 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
33864 May you live in uninteresting times.
33867 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
33869 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
33871 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
33872 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
33874 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
33875 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
33878 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
33881 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
33882 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
33885 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
33887 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
33888 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
33889 had to seek professional help."
33891 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
33892 these days you can certainly charge it.
33895 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
33896 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
33898 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
33900 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
33901 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
33902 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
33904 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
33905 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
33909 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
33910 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
33913 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
33914 just like everyone else.
33916 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
33917 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
33918 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
33919 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
33920 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
33921 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
33922 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
33923 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
33924 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
33925 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
33926 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
33927 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
33928 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
33929 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
33930 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
33931 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
33932 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
33933 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
33935 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
33936 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
33937 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
33938 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
33939 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
33940 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
33941 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
33942 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
33943 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
33944 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
33945 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
33946 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
33947 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
33948 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
33951 Measure twice, cut once.
33953 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
33956 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
33958 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
33961 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
33962 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
33965 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
33967 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
33968 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
33969 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
33973 An interoffice communication too often written more for
33974 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
33977 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
33978 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
33981 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
33982 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
33983 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
33984 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
33986 I guess some things never leave you.
33987 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
33989 Memory fault -- brain fried
33991 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
33993 Memory fault - where am I?
33995 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
33997 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
34000 Men are superior to women.
34003 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
34006 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
34007 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
34010 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
34013 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
34014 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
34017 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
34018 rights as women have of their wrongs.
34021 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
34023 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
34025 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
34026 from religious conviction.
34027 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensées", 1670
34029 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
34032 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
34033 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
34034 -- Winston Churchill
34036 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
34037 -- Leonardo da Vinci
34039 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
34041 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
34042 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
34044 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
34045 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
34046 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
34047 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
34048 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
34049 and acts that are contrary to habit...
34050 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
34052 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
34055 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
34057 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
34059 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
34060 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
34062 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
34063 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
34066 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
34067 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
34068 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
34069 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
34070 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34072 Men who cherish for women the highest
34073 respect are seldom popular with them.
34076 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
34077 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
34079 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
34080 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
34081 cork makes when it is popped.
34083 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
34084 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
34086 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
34087 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
34088 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
34089 never hope to acquire it.
34091 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
34093 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
34094 it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
34095 very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
34096 tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
34097 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
34098 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
34099 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
34100 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
34101 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
34102 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
34103 more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
34104 fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
34105 older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
34106 obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
34107 window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
34108 hotshot cells moving up from below.
34109 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
34111 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
34112 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
34113 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
34116 Mental things which have not gone in through the
34117 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
34121 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
34124 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
34127 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
34129 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
34131 Message will arrive in the mail.
34132 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
34135 One who doubts the established fact that it is
34136 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
34138 Metermaids eat their young.
34140 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
34141 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
34142 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
34143 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
34144 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
34145 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
34146 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
34147 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
34148 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
34149 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
34150 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
34151 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
34152 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
34153 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
34154 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
34155 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
34156 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
34157 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
34158 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
34159 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
34160 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
34161 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
34162 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
34163 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
34164 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
34165 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
34166 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
34167 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
34169 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
34175 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
34177 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
34179 "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
34180 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
34182 Microwaves frizz your heir.
34184 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
34186 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
34187 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
34190 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
34191 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
34193 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
34196 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
34198 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
34200 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
34203 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
34207 Lose a few, lose a few.
34210 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
34212 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
34213 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
34216 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
34217 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
34218 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
34219 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
34220 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
34221 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
34222 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
34223 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
34224 the gold and the black.
34225 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
34227 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
34228 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
34229 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
34230 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
34231 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
34232 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
34235 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
34238 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
34240 Mind your own business, Spock.
34241 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
34243 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
34246 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
34250 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
34251 mosquito supplier to the free world.
34252 come fall in love with a loon.
34253 where visitors turn blue with envy.
34254 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
34255 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
34256 where the elite meet sleet.
34257 glove it or leave it.
34258 many are cold, but few are frozen.
34259 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
34260 land of 10,000 Petersons.
34262 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
34264 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
34265 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
34268 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
34270 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
34273 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
34275 Misery no longer loves company.
34276 Nowadays it insists on it.
34280 The kind of fortune that never misses.
34281 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34283 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
34286 A title with which we brand unmarried
34287 women to indicate that they are in the market.
34288 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34290 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
34292 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
34295 The Georgia Tech of the North
34297 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
34298 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
34299 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
34302 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
34303 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
34304 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
34306 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
34307 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
34311 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
34312 With five empty seats.
34315 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
34316 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
34318 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
34320 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
34322 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
34323 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
34324 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
34325 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
34328 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
34329 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
34330 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
34331 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
34332 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
34333 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
34334 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
34335 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
34336 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
34338 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
34342 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
34343 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
34345 Moderation in all things.
34346 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
34348 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
34351 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
34352 themselves that they have a better idea.
34355 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
34357 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
34358 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
34359 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
34360 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
34361 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
34362 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
34363 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
34364 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
34365 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
34366 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
34367 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
34368 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
34371 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
34373 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
34376 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
34377 not to be aware of it.
34380 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
34381 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
34383 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
34385 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
34386 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
34388 Moebius always does it on the same side.
34390 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
34391 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
34392 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
34394 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
34395 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
34396 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
34397 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
34398 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
34399 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
34400 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
34401 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
34402 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
34403 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
34404 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
34405 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
34408 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
34409 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
34410 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
34411 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
34412 the atom in that it is an ion...
34413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34415 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
34416 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
34417 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
34420 What you give a person when they are going away.
34422 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
34425 When they finally do have to take you to the
34426 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
34429 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
34432 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
34435 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
34436 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34438 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
34440 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34442 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
34446 but is excellent kindling.
34448 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
34449 Is a keen observer of life,
34450 The word intellectual suggests right away
34451 A man who's untrue to his wife.
34452 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
34454 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
34455 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
34458 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
34459 -- Christopher Marlowe
34461 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
34464 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
34467 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
34469 Money is its own reward.
34471 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
34473 Money is the root of all wealth.
34475 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
34478 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
34479 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
34481 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
34483 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
34484 puts you in a great bargaining position.
34486 Money will say more in one moment than
34487 the most eloquent lover can in years.
34489 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
34492 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
34496 Marriage to one woman at a time.
34499 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
34502 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
34504 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
34505 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
34506 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
34507 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
34510 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
34511 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
34514 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
34515 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
34518 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
34520 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
34523 "More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
34524 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
34528 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
34531 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
34533 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
34535 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
34536 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
34537 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
34538 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
34539 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
34540 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
34541 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
34542 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
34543 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
34545 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
34546 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
34547 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
34548 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
34550 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
34551 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
34552 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
34553 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
34555 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
34556 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
34557 I just want to win one little lottery."
34558 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
34559 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
34562 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
34564 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
34565 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
34566 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
34568 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
34569 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
34570 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
34573 The state bird of New Jersey.
34575 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
34577 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
34578 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
34579 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
34580 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
34581 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
34582 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
34583 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
34584 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
34585 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
34586 them that it doesn't make any difference.
34587 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
34590 Most folks they like the daytime,
34591 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
34592 They're up in the morning,
34593 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
34594 But when the sun goes down,
34595 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
34597 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
34598 and one of them is always night.
34599 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
34600 I guess you're gonna be all right.
34601 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
34602 My eyes just can't stand the light.
34604 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
34607 Most general statements are false, including this one.
34610 Most of our lives are about proving something,
34611 either to ourselves or to someone else.
34613 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
34614 difficulties before we get to them.
34617 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
34618 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
34619 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
34620 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
34621 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
34622 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
34623 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
34624 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
34625 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
34626 -- Alix Kates Shulman
34628 Most of your faults are not your fault.
34630 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
34632 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
34633 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
34634 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
34638 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
34640 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
34644 Most people deserve each other.
34647 Most people don't need a great deal of love
34648 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
34650 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
34653 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
34655 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
34656 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
34657 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
34660 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
34662 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
34663 a good reason, and the real reason.
34665 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
34666 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
34669 Most people need some of their problems
34670 to help take their mind off some of the others.
34672 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
34674 Most people want either less corruption
34675 or more of a chance to participate in it.
34677 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
34678 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
34680 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
34683 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
34685 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
34687 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
34688 can't talk for people who can't read.
34691 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
34693 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
34699 Mother Earth is not flat!
34701 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
34704 Mother is the invention of necessity.
34706 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
34709 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
34711 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
34712 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
34715 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
34716 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
34717 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
34719 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
34721 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
34723 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
34727 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
34728 population is growing.
34730 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
34731 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
34732 shirts but they're going back.
34734 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
34735 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
34737 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
34738 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
34739 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
34741 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
34742 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
34745 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
34746 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
34747 wrong, "Up to a point."
34748 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
34749 Yokohama isn't it?"
34750 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
34751 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
34752 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
34753 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
34755 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
34758 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
34759 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
34762 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
34763 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
34764 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
34766 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
34767 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
34768 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
34770 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
34771 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
34772 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
34773 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
34774 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
34776 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
34777 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
34778 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
34779 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
34780 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
34781 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
34782 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
34783 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
34785 Multics is security spelled sideways.
34787 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
34788 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
34789 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
34790 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
34791 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
34792 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
34793 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
34794 as much fun to watch.
34795 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
34798 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
34800 Mummy dust to make me old;
34801 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
34802 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
34803 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
34804 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
34805 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
34806 Now begin thy magic spell!
34807 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
34810 -- Miguel de Cervantes
34812 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
34813 -- Xaviera Hollander
34815 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
34817 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
34818 talk about after dinner.
34819 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
34821 Murphy was an optimist.
34823 Murphy's Discovery:
34824 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
34825 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
34826 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
34829 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
34831 Murphy's Law of Research:
34832 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
34834 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
34835 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
34838 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
34839 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
34840 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
34843 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
34845 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
34848 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
34850 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
34851 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
34854 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
34855 long it has become a science project.
34856 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
34858 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
34859 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
34861 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
34862 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
34863 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
34864 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
34865 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
34867 And you know two heads are better than one.
34869 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
34870 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
34871 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
34872 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
34873 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
34874 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
34875 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
34876 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
34877 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
34878 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
34879 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
34880 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
34882 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
34884 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
34886 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
34887 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
34889 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
34890 The height of its contents to see!
34891 She lit a small match to assist her,
34892 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
34894 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
34895 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
34896 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
34897 a bulls-eye on the back.
34899 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
34900 said, "So will you."
34901 -- Rodney Dangerfield
34903 My brain is my second favorite organ.
34906 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
34907 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
34910 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
34911 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
34912 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
34913 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
34914 decimal points for the sake of precision.
34915 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
34916 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
34917 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
34918 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
34919 It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
34921 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
34922 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
34924 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
34925 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
34926 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
34927 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
34928 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
34929 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
34930 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
34931 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
34932 -- Hunter S. Thompson
34934 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
34935 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
34937 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
34938 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
34940 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
34942 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
34944 My darling wife was always glum.
34945 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
34946 And so made sure that she would stay
34947 In better spirits night and day.
34949 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
34950 Unless there are three other people.
34953 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
34955 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
34956 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
34960 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
34963 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
34964 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
34965 -- Erich Maria Remarque
34967 My father taught me three things:
34968 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
34969 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
34970 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
34972 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
34973 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
34976 My father was a saint, I'm not.
34979 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
34980 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
34981 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
34983 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
34984 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
34985 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
34986 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
34987 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
34988 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
34989 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
34990 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
34992 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
34993 but they were there to meet the boat.
34995 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
34996 later I can ask him what he meant.
34999 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
35000 but always, always, he was right.
35002 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
35003 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
35004 back and dig her up.
35006 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
35007 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
35009 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
35010 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
35011 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
35012 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
35013 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
35015 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
35017 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
35019 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
35021 My interest is in the future because I am
35022 going to spend the rest of my life there.
35024 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
35027 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
35028 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
35029 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
35030 And the skies are sunlit for him.
35031 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
35032 As the fragrance of acacia.
35033 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
35034 And I wish he were in Asia.
35035 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
35037 My love runs by like a day in June,
35038 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
35039 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
35040 In the pathway or the morrows.
35041 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
35042 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
35043 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
35044 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
35045 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
35047 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
35048 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
35049 -- George Bernard Shaw
35051 My mind can never know my body, although
35052 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
35053 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
35055 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
35058 My mother loved children -- she would
35059 have given anything if I had been one.
35062 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
35063 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
35064 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
35065 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
35067 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
35071 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35072 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
35073 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
35074 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
35076 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
35077 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
35078 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
35079 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
35082 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
35084 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
35085 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
35087 My only love sprung from my only hate!
35088 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
35089 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
35091 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
35093 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
35096 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
35097 And he cares not what comes after.
35098 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
35099 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
35100 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
35101 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
35102 My own dear love, he is all my world --
35103 And I wish I'd never met him.
35104 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
35106 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
35107 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
35108 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
35109 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
35110 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
35111 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
35112 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
35113 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
35114 -- James A. Michener
35116 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
35118 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
35119 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
35120 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
35121 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
35124 My philosophy is: Don't think.
35127 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
35130 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
35133 My rackets are run on strictly American
35134 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
35137 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
35138 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
35139 with our frail and feeble mind.
35142 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
35143 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
35144 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
35145 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
35146 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
35147 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
35148 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
35149 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
35150 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
35151 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
35152 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
35153 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
35154 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
35155 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
35158 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
35159 reason to limit myself.
35162 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
35163 She sells C shells by the seashore.
35165 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
35166 I do not like me anymore,
35167 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
35168 I ponder on the narrow house
35169 I shudder at the thought of men
35170 I'm due to fall in love again.
35171 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
35173 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
35174 -- Christopher Morley
35176 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
35179 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
35180 That's the funniest joke in the world.
35183 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
35185 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
35186 -- Booth Tarkington
35189 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
35190 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
35191 from the true accounts which it invents later.
35192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35194 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
35195 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
35196 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
35198 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
35200 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
35201 "So, how's your daughter?"
35202 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
35203 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
35204 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
35205 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
35208 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
35210 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
35213 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
35216 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
35220 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
35223 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
35225 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
35227 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
35228 -- The Mad Palindromist
35230 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
35232 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
35234 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
35237 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
35239 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35241 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
35242 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
35243 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
35246 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
35247 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
35248 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
35249 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
35250 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
35251 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
35252 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
35255 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
35256 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
35259 "Have you ever seen me before?"
35261 "Then how do you know it was me?"
35263 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
35265 "Why?", he was asked.
35266 "Because at night we need the light more."
35268 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
35269 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
35270 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
35271 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
35273 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
35275 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
35276 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
35277 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
35279 Natural laws have no pity.
35281 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
35282 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
35283 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
35284 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
35285 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
35286 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
35287 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
35291 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
35292 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
35293 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
35297 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
35298 -- Clare Booth Luce
35300 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
35302 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
35303 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
35305 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
35306 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
35308 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
35310 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
35312 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
35313 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
35316 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
35317 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
35320 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
35321 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
35322 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
35323 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
35324 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
35325 The solid power of understanding fails;
35326 Where beams of warm imagination play,
35327 The memory's soft figures melt away.
35328 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
35330 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
35333 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
35334 On the Rue des Ecoles
35337 Every evening I would see him
35338 guiding the dog along
35339 the sidewalk, keeping
35340 a firm grip on the leash
35341 so that the dog wouldn't
35342 run into a passerby
35343 Sometimes the dog would stop
35344 and look up at the sky
35346 noticed me watching the dog
35347 and he said, "Oh, yes,
35349 when the moon is out,
35350 he can feel it on his face"
35353 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
35354 want to test a man's character, give him power.
35357 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
35358 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
35361 Necessity has no law.
35364 Necessity hath no law.
35367 Necessity is a mother.
35369 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
35370 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
35371 -- Alfred North Whitehead
35373 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
35374 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
35375 -- William Pitt, 1783
35377 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
35380 Needs are a function of what other people have.
35382 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
35385 Neil Armstrong tripped.
35387 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
35389 Nemo me impune lacessit
35390 [No one provokes me with impunity]
35391 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
35394 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
35395 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
35396 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
35399 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
35403 Melancholia's blue.
35407 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
35408 Psychotics live in them,
35409 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
35411 Neutrinos are into physicists.
35413 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
35416 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
35417 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
35418 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
35420 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
35423 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
35424 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
35427 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
35429 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
35431 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
35433 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
35436 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
35437 Professionals built the Titanic.
35439 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
35441 Never buy from a rich salesman.
35444 Never buy what you do not want
35445 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
35446 -- Thomas Jefferson
35448 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
35450 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
35452 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
35454 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
35456 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
35460 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
35462 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
35463 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
35464 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
35465 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
35467 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
35469 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
35470 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
35471 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
35473 Never eat more than you can lift.
35476 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
35477 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
35479 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
35480 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
35483 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
35486 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
35488 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
35490 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
35492 Never give an inch!
35494 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
35497 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
35498 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
35500 Never have children, only grandchildren.
35503 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
35506 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
35508 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
35510 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
35513 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
35516 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
35518 Never laugh at live dragons.
35521 Never leave anything to chance;
35522 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
35524 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
35527 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
35528 interrupt the person who is doing it.
35530 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
35532 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
35533 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
35535 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
35538 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
35540 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
35541 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
35543 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
35545 -- Former deputy defense minister of India.
35547 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
35548 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
35550 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
35552 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
35554 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
35556 Never promise more than you can perform.
35559 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
35562 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
35564 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
35566 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
35567 law against it by that time.
35569 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
35573 Never reveal your best argument.
35575 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
35577 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
35579 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
35581 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
35584 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
35586 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
35588 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
35590 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
35591 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
35592 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
35593 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
35596 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
35598 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
35599 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
35600 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
35602 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
35605 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
35607 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
35609 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
35612 Never trust an operating system.
35614 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
35616 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
35618 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
35622 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
35624 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
35625 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
35627 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
35628 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
35630 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
35631 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
35633 "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
35635 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
35638 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
35639 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
35641 Never volunteer for anything.
35644 Never worry about theory as long as the
35645 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
35646 -- Robert A. Heinlein
35649 Different color from previous model.
35651 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
35653 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
35655 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
35656 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
35658 New members are urgently needed in the Society
35659 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
35661 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
35662 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
35665 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
35666 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
35667 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
35669 New systems generate new problems.
35671 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
35672 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
35673 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
35675 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
35677 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
35678 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
35681 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
35682 Flyin' in from London to your door
35683 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
35684 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
35686 -- Simon and Garfunkle
35688 New York's got the ways and means;
35689 Just won't let you be.
35690 -- The Grateful Dead
35693 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
35694 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
35696 Newman's Discovery:
35697 Your best dreams may not come true;
35698 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
35700 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
35705 Today the East German pole-vault champion
35706 became the West German pole-vault champion.
35711 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
35712 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
35715 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
35717 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
35718 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
35720 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
35721 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
35723 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
35726 Nice guys don't finish nice.
35728 Nice guys finish last.
35731 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
35734 Nice guys get sick.
35736 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
35737 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
35739 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
35741 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
35743 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
35744 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
35745 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
35747 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
35749 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
35750 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
35751 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
35752 but Americans call him by value.
35754 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
35755 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
35756 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
35757 Three megs for system source;
35759 One disk to rule them all,
35760 One disk to bind them,
35761 One disk to hold the files
35762 And in the darkness grind 'em.
35764 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
35765 And tapes without any tracks;
35766 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
35767 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
35768 Take hold of the tape
35769 And pull off the strip,
35770 And then you'll be sure
35771 Your tape drive will skip.
35773 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
35775 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
35778 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
35779 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
35782 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
35783 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
35784 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
35786 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
35787 that be and their friends hang out.
35790 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
35791 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
35792 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
35793 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
35795 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
35798 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
35800 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
35802 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
35803 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
35806 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
35810 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
35811 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
35813 No character, however upright, is a match for
35814 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
35815 -- Alexander Hamilton
35817 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
35818 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
35819 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
35820 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
35822 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
35823 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
35824 effectively under such difficult conditions.
35825 -- Laurence J. Peter
35829 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
35830 lectures which are really worth the attending.
35831 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
35833 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
35834 on the grounds that it was human nature.
35836 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
35839 No evil can happen to a good man.
35842 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
35845 No extensible language will be universal.
35848 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
35849 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
35852 No good deed goes unpunished.
35853 -- Clare Boothe Luce
35855 No group of professionals meets except to
35856 conspire against the public at large.
35859 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
35860 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
35861 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35865 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
35866 until three software guys have signed off for it.
35869 No, his mind is not for rent
35870 To any god or government.
35871 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
35872 He knows changes aren't permanent -
35875 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
35877 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
35878 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
35879 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
35881 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
35882 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
35884 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
35885 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
35886 and Telegraph Company.
35887 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
35890 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
35893 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
35894 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
35896 No line available at 300 baud.
35898 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
35899 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
35900 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
35901 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
35902 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
35903 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
35904 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
35905 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
35910 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
35911 interest in hair restorers.
35914 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
35916 -- Channing Pollock
35918 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
35919 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
35920 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
35921 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
35922 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
35923 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
35924 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
35926 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
35928 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
35930 No man is useless who has a friend,
35931 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
35932 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
35934 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
35937 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
35938 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
35941 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
35942 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
35945 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
35946 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
35947 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
35951 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
35953 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
35955 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
35956 signs of improvement.
35957 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
35959 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
35962 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
35964 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
35965 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
35967 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
35969 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
35970 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
35972 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
35973 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
35976 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
35977 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
35980 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
35981 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
35982 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
35983 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
35984 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
35985 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
35986 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
35988 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
35989 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
35991 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
35993 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
35994 dirty little beast.
35997 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
35998 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
36000 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
36002 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
36004 "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
36006 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
36007 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
36009 No one knows like a woman how to say
36010 things that are at once gentle and deep.
36013 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
36016 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
36019 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
36022 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
36023 one who's giving it.
36026 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
36027 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
36029 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
36030 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
36034 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
36035 For this isn't really the norm.
36036 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
36037 So what? Any pork in a storm.
36039 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
36040 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
36041 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
36042 Cast even more perils before swine.
36044 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
36045 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
36046 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
36047 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
36049 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
36050 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
36051 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
36052 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
36054 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
36055 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
36056 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
36057 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
36060 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36061 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36062 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
36063 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
36065 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
36066 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
36067 their wish has been granted.
36068 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
36070 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
36072 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
36075 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
36077 "No program is perfect,"
36078 They said with a shrug.
36079 "The customer's happy--
36080 What's one little bug?"
36082 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
36083 The others went home. As year followed year.
36084 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
36085 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
36087 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
36088 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
36089 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
36090 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
36092 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
36093 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
36094 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
36095 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
36096 -- The Perfect Programmer
36098 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
36099 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
36100 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
36101 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
36102 indication-applied occurrence.
36105 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
36107 No rock so hard but that a little wave
36108 May beat admission in a thousand years.
36111 No self-made man ever did such a good job
36112 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
36115 "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
36117 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
36118 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
36120 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
36122 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
36123 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
36126 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
36128 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
36129 Finished his old Raven,
36130 then he started his Old Crow.
36132 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
36135 No spitting on the Bus!
36136 Thank you, The Management.
36138 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
36141 No two persons ever read the same book.
36144 No use getting too involved in life --
36145 you're only here for a limited time.
36147 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
36150 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
36151 she will or will not be a mother.
36152 -- Margaret H. Sanger
36154 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
36155 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
36157 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
36158 him than he deserves.
36159 -- Edgar Watson Howe
36161 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
36162 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
36164 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
36166 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
36168 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
36169 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
36170 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
36171 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
36172 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
36173 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
36174 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
36175 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
36176 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
36177 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
36178 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
36179 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
36180 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
36181 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
36182 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
36183 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
36184 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
36185 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
36186 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
36187 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
36188 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
36191 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
36193 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
36195 -- Tallulah Bankhead
36197 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
36199 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
36202 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
36204 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
36206 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
36207 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
36208 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
36209 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
36210 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
36211 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
36214 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
36216 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
36220 Everybody hates me,
36221 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
36222 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
36223 Eat their insides out,
36224 And throw way the skins.
36225 Big, fat, juicy ones,
36226 Little, skinny, cute ones,
36227 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
36229 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
36230 And then it's too late.
36232 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
36235 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
36236 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
36237 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
36239 Only Capone kills like that.
36240 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36242 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
36243 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
36245 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
36246 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
36247 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
36250 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
36251 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
36253 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
36254 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
36256 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
36257 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
36259 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
36260 coming in late and lying about it.
36264 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
36265 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
36269 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
36273 New Yorkerese for expensive.
36279 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
36282 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
36284 None love the bearer of bad news.
36287 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
36288 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
36289 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
36290 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
36291 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
36292 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
36293 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
36294 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
36295 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
36297 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
36298 Negative expectations yield negative results.
36299 Positive expectations yield negative results.
36301 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
36304 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
36307 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
36309 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
36311 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
36312 intentions. He had money as well.
36313 -- Margaret Thatcher
36315 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
36316 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
36318 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
36319 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
36320 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
36322 Coach: How's life, Norm?
36323 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
36324 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
36326 Norm: Hey, everybody.
36327 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
36328 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
36330 How are you feeling today, Norm?
36331 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
36332 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
36334 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
36335 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
36337 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
36339 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
36340 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
36341 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
36343 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
36345 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
36346 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
36347 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
36349 Coach: What's up, Normie?
36350 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
36351 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
36353 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
36355 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36357 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
36359 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
36360 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
36361 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
36362 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
36364 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
36365 Norm: Elope with my wife.
36366 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36368 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
36369 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
36370 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
36374 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
36375 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
36376 -- Cheers, The Triangle
36378 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
36379 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
36380 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
36381 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
36383 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
36384 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
36385 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
36387 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
36389 Coach: What's up, Norm?
36390 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
36391 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
36393 Sam: What's new, Normie?
36394 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
36395 They're demanding beer.
36396 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
36398 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
36399 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
36400 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
36402 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
36403 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
36405 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
36407 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
36408 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
36409 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
36411 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
36412 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
36413 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
36414 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
36416 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
36418 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
36419 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
36420 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
36422 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
36424 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
36426 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
36428 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
36430 Not all men who drink are poets.
36431 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
36433 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
36434 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
36436 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
36437 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
36439 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
36440 the capitalist mode of production.
36443 Not every question deserves an answer.
36445 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
36447 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
36448 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
36449 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
36450 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
36451 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
36452 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
36453 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
36454 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
36455 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
36456 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
36458 "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
36461 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
36462 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
36463 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
36465 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
36466 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
36468 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
36471 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
36472 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
36473 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
36475 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
36478 "Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
36479 to have been written by Bruce Evans."
36480 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
36482 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
36483 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
36484 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
36485 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
36486 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
36487 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
36488 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
36489 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
36490 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
36491 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
36492 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
36493 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
36494 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
36495 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
36497 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
36499 Failed due to : SunOS 5.8 is installed.
36500 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
36502 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
36504 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
36505 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
36506 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
36507 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
36508 not to make any poultry jokes.
36511 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
36512 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36514 Nothing can be done in one trip.
36517 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
36519 Nothing endures but change.
36521 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
36523 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
36524 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
36527 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
36528 -- Winston Churchill
36530 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
36531 satisfying as an income tax refund.
36534 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
36536 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
36538 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
36539 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
36540 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
36542 Nothing is but what is not.
36544 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
36546 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
36548 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
36549 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
36551 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
36553 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36556 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
36559 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
36560 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
36563 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
36565 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
36566 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
36567 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
36569 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
36570 -- Michel de Montaigne
36572 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
36573 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
36575 Nothing lasts forever.
36576 Where do I find nothing?
36578 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
36580 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
36581 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
36584 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
36587 Nothing motivates a man more than to
36588 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
36590 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
36591 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
36592 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
36593 which can be offered to a personality.
36594 -- Soren Kierkegaard
36596 Nothing recedes like success.
36599 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
36600 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
36603 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
36606 Nothing succeeds like success.
36609 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
36610 -- Christopher Lascl
36612 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
36615 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36616 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36617 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36618 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
36619 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
36620 She got from trying to fight
36621 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
36623 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
36624 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
36625 She said it before, she said it to me,
36626 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
36627 But the same old four imaginary walls
36628 She'd built for livin' inside
36629 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
36631 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
36632 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
36633 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
36634 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
36635 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
36636 The veil that covered her eyes,
36637 I said oh, you can leave it.
36638 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
36640 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
36643 Nothing will ever be attempted
36644 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
36648 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
36649 be summarily put out.
36653 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
36655 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
36657 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
36658 French for "not enough food".
36660 Continental breakfast, n:
36661 English for "not enough food".
36664 Spanish for "not enough food".
36667 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
36670 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
36671 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36673 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
36675 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
36676 not better, just different.
36678 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
36680 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
36681 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
36682 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
36684 Now I lay me back to sleep.
36685 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
36686 If he should stop before I wake,
36687 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
36690 Now I lay me down to sleep
36691 I pray the double lock will keep;
36692 May no brick through the window break,
36693 And, no one rob me till I awake.
36695 Now I lay me down to sleep,
36696 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
36697 If I should die before I wake,
36698 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
36700 Now I lay me down to study,
36701 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
36702 And if I fail to learn this junk,
36703 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
36704 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
36705 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
36706 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
36707 Then pile my books upon my chest.
36709 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
36712 Now is the time for drinking;
36713 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
36714 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36716 Now it's time to say goodbye
36717 To all our company...
36718 M-I-C (see you next week!)
36719 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
36722 Now of my threescore years and ten,
36723 Twenty will not come again,
36724 And take from seventy springs a score,
36725 It leaves me only fifty more.
36727 And since to look at things in bloom
36728 Fifty springs are little room,
36729 About the woodlands I will go
36730 To see the cherry hung with snow.
36733 Now that day wearies me,
36735 Will receive more kindly,
36736 Like a tired child, the starry night.
36738 Hands, leave off your deeds,
36739 Mind, forget all thoughts;
36741 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
36743 And my soul, unguarded,
36744 Would soar on widespread wings,
36745 To live in night's magical sphere
36746 More profoundly, more variously.
36747 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
36749 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
36750 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
36751 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
36752 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
36754 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
36755 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
36756 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
36757 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
36758 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
36759 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
36760 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
36762 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
36764 "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
36765 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
36766 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
36767 -- "The Begatting of a President"
36769 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
36770 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
36771 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
36773 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
36774 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
36777 "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
36779 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
36782 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
36783 the next freeway exit.
36785 Now's the time to have some big ideas
36786 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
36787 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
36788 Talking politics and nuclear fission
36789 We see him and he's all washed up --
36790 Moving on into the body of a beetle
36791 Getting ready for a long long crawl
36792 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
36794 Death and Money make their point once more
36795 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
36796 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
36797 Deadly angels for reality and passion
36798 Have the courage of the here and now
36799 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
36800 When you think you got it paid in full
36801 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
36802 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36803 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
36804 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
36805 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
36806 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
36808 Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
36809 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
36810 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
36811 Times, June 10, 1955.
36813 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
36816 "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
36819 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
36820 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
36821 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
36823 "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
36826 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
36828 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
36830 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
36832 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
36834 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
36837 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
36839 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
36840 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
36841 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
36842 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
36845 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
36846 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
36847 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
36848 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
36850 O! If I were a fish
36851 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
36852 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
36855 For fish don't ever mish;
36856 They needn't flush after they pish!
36857 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
36858 For all the fish!!!
36861 Where the buffalo roam,
36862 Where the deer and the antelope play,
36863 Where seldom is heard
36864 A discouraging word,
36865 'Cause what can an antelope say?
36867 O imitators, you slavish herd!
36868 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36871 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
36872 To use it like a giant.
36873 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
36875 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
36876 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
36878 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
36879 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
36880 Might we not smash it to bits
36881 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
36882 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
36886 Objects are lost only because people
36887 look where they are not rather than where they are.
36890 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
36892 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
36893 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
36894 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
36896 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
36899 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
36902 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
36903 To activate its captivation,
36904 Deposit on its termination,
36905 A quantity of particles saline.
36907 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
36909 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
36910 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
36911 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
36912 of the grandstands.
36914 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
36917 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
36918 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
36921 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
36922 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
36923 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
36924 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
36925 are the principal industries of the Orient.
36929 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
36930 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
36932 Odets, where is thy sting?
36933 -- George S. Kaufman
36935 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
36937 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
36938 to know so much and have control over nothing.
36941 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
36942 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
36944 -- Thomas L. Martin
36946 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
36949 Of all the words of witch's doom
36950 There's none so bad as which and whom.
36951 The man who kills both which and whom
36952 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
36955 Of all things man is the measure.
36958 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
36961 Of course it's possible to love a human being
36962 if you don't know them too well.
36963 -- Charles Bukowski
36965 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
36966 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
36969 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
36970 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
36972 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
36974 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
36975 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
36978 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
36979 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
36981 Official Project Stages:
36982 1. Uncritical Acceptance
36984 3. Dejected Disillusionment
36986 5. Search for the Guilty
36987 6. Punishment of the Innocent
36988 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
36990 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
36991 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
36993 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
36996 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
36998 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
37000 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
37003 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
37005 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
37006 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
37007 And isn't your life extremely flat
37008 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
37010 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
37011 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
37012 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
37013 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
37015 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
37016 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
37017 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
37018 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
37020 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
37021 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
37022 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
37023 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
37025 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
37026 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
37027 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
37028 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
37030 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
37031 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
37032 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
37033 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
37034 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
37036 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
37038 Oh, give me a home,
37039 Where the buffalo roam,
37040 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
37042 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
37043 Where the three-body problem is solved,
37044 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
37045 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
37046 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
37047 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
37048 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
37049 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
37050 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
37051 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
37052 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
37053 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
37054 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
37055 And living up here is a bore.
37056 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
37057 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
37059 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
37060 Where the space debris always collects,
37061 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
37062 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
37063 -- to Home on the Range
37065 Oh give me your pity!
37066 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
37067 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
37068 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
37070 We confer and concur,
37071 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
37072 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
37073 And consider a load of reports.
37075 We compose and propose,
37076 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
37077 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
37078 There's terribly little gets done.
37080 We resolve and absolve;
37081 But we never dissolve,
37082 Since it's out of the question for us
37083 To bring our committee
37084 To end like this ditty,
37085 Which stops with a period, thus.
37086 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
37088 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
37089 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
37090 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
37091 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
37092 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
37093 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
37094 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
37095 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
37096 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
37097 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
37098 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
37099 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
37100 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
37101 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
37102 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
37104 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37105 I muck with indices and structs all day
37106 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
37107 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
37109 Oh, I could while away the hours,
37110 Smoking herbs and flowers,
37111 Shooting up my veins,
37112 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
37113 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
37114 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
37115 If I dealt in good cocaine.
37116 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
37118 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
37119 be irresponsible, too.
37122 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
37123 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
37124 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
37125 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
37126 You have not dreamed of --
37127 Wheeled and soared and swung
37128 High in the sunlit silence.
37130 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
37131 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
37132 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
37133 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
37134 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
37135 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
37136 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
37137 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
37138 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
37140 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
37141 From a typical American town.
37142 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
37143 And keeping old Castro down.
37144 And when it came my time to serve
37145 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
37146 But when I got to my old draft board,
37147 Buddy, this is what I said:
37150 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
37151 And I always carry a purse!
37152 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
37153 And my asthma's getting worse!
37154 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
37155 And my poor old invalid aunt!
37156 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
37157 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
37158 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
37160 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
37161 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
37162 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
37163 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
37165 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
37166 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
37167 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
37169 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
37170 it's what you do with what you have left.
37171 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
37173 Oh, so there you are!
37175 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
37176 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
37177 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
37178 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
37179 -- The Smothers Brothers
37181 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
37182 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
37184 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
37185 Born under one law, to another bound.
37186 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
37188 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
37190 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
37193 Oh, when I was in love with you,
37194 Then I was clean and brave,
37195 And miles around the wonder grew
37196 How well did I behave.
37198 And now the fancy passes by,
37199 And nothing will remain,
37200 And miles around they'll say that I
37201 Am quite myself again.
37204 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
37206 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
37207 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
37208 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
37209 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
37211 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
37212 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
37216 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
37217 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
37218 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
37219 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
37220 save precious time and electrons.
37223 "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
37226 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
37228 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
37229 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
37230 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
37231 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
37233 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
37235 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
37238 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
37241 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
37244 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
37246 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
37248 Old Japanese proverb:
37249 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
37250 and those who climb it twice.
37252 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
37254 Old mail has arrived.
37256 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
37257 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
37258 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
37260 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
37261 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
37262 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
37263 And so was her daughter, I guess...
37265 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
37267 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
37269 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
37271 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
37273 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
37276 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
37279 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37281 omnibiblious, adj.:
37282 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
37285 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
37286 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
37287 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
37288 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
37290 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
37292 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
37295 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
37297 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
37300 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
37301 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
37303 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
37304 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
37307 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
37308 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
37309 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
37311 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
37312 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
37316 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
37317 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
37318 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
37319 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
37320 you come any closer."
37321 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
37323 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
37325 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
37326 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
37327 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
37330 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
37331 proposition that all men are created jerks.
37332 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
37334 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
37335 same moment -- halftime.
37337 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
37339 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
37340 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
37341 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
37342 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
37344 On the subject of C program indentation:
37346 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
37347 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
37348 -- Blair P. Houghton
37350 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
37351 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
37353 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
37354 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
37355 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
37356 ideas that could provoke such a question.
37359 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
37360 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
37361 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
37363 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
37364 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
37368 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37370 Once again dread deed is done.
37372 his all-knowing eye shaded
37373 to human chance and circumstance.
37374 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
37375 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
37377 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
37378 Impatient hands wait eagerly
37380 scant moments of time
37381 wrested from life in the full
37382 glory of Canon's power;
37383 held captive by his unblinking eye.
37385 Three golden orbs stand watch;
37386 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
37387 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
37388 When that feared moment arives,
37389 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
37390 It tolls for thee."
37391 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
37392 Valley Pawn Shop today"
37394 Once Again From the Top
37396 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
37397 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
37398 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
37399 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
37400 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
37401 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
37402 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
37403 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
37404 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
37405 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
37406 The Herald regrets the errors."
37407 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
37409 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
37410 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
37413 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
37414 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
37415 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
37416 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
37417 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
37418 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
37420 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
37421 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
37422 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
37423 principles or your mistress".
37425 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
37428 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
37429 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
37430 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
37431 the railroad yards."
37432 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
37433 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
37434 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
37436 Once I finally figured out all of life's
37437 answers, they changed the questions.
37439 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
37440 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
37441 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
37443 Once is happenstance,
37444 Twice is coincidence,
37445 Three times is enemy action.
37446 -- Auric Goldfinger
37448 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
37449 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
37451 Once Law was sitting on the bench
37452 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
37453 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
37454 Nor come before me creeping.
37455 Upon you knees if you appear,
37456 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
37458 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
37459 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
37460 "Amica curiae," she replied --
37461 "Friend of the court, so please you."
37462 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
37463 I never saw your face before!"
37464 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37466 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
37467 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
37468 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
37469 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
37472 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
37475 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
37476 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
37477 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
37478 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
37479 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
37480 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
37481 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
37482 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
37483 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
37484 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
37485 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
37486 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
37487 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
37488 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
37489 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
37490 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
37491 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
37492 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
37493 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
37494 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
37495 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
37496 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
37498 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
37499 a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
37500 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
37501 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
37502 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
37503 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
37504 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
37505 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
37506 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
37508 Once upon a time there...
37510 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
37511 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
37512 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
37513 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
37514 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
37515 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
37516 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
37517 possession. And the moral of the story is:
37519 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
37522 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
37523 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
37524 the smaller prime numbers.
37526 2: The Odd Prime --
37527 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
37528 3: The True Prime --
37529 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
37530 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
37531 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
37532 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
37533 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
37534 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
37537 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
37538 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
37539 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
37541 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
37542 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
37543 Over many a broken and subordinate
37544 Volume of gnarly lore,
37545 While I pestered, nearly singing,
37546 Sudddenly there came a hewing,
37547 As of someone profusely skulking,
37548 Skulking at my chamber door.
37550 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
37552 Once you've tried to change the world you find
37553 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
37555 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
37556 somebody's listening.
37557 -- Franklin P. Jones
37559 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
37561 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
37563 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
37564 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
37565 -- Chuq Von Rospach
37567 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
37569 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
37571 One Bell System - it works.
37573 One big pile is better than two little piles.
37576 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
37579 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
37580 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
37583 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
37584 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
37585 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
37587 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
37589 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
37590 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
37591 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
37593 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
37595 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
37596 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
37598 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
37599 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
37600 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
37601 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
37602 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
37603 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
37604 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
37605 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
37606 and march back home."
37607 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
37608 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
37609 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
37610 to Poland three times and never invade?"
37611 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
37613 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
37614 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
37615 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
37616 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
37617 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
37618 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
37619 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
37620 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
37621 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
37622 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
37623 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
37624 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
37625 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
37626 just jumped out with my knapsack."
37628 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
37629 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
37630 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
37631 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
37632 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
37633 is death by hanging."
37634 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
37635 "I don't believe you."
37636 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
37637 "But that would make it the truth!"
37638 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
37640 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
37641 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
37642 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
37643 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
37644 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
37645 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
37646 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
37647 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
37648 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
37649 there a number of details to be figured out.
37650 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
37651 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
37652 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
37654 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
37655 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
37656 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
37657 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
37658 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
37659 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
37660 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
37661 harmonic motion..."
37665 With nothing to say,
37666 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37667 That started: "One day,
37669 With nothing to say,
37670 Wrote a mad meta-poem
37671 That started: "One day,
37674 Were the words that the poet,
37676 To bring his mad poem,
37677 To some sort of close".
37678 Were the words that the poet,
37680 To bring his mad poem,
37681 To some sort of close".
37683 One difference between a man and a machine
37684 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
37686 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
37689 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
37690 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
37691 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
37692 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
37693 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
37694 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
37695 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
37696 been havin' all these years."
37697 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
37698 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
37699 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
37700 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
37701 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
37702 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
37703 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
37704 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
37705 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
37707 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
37710 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
37712 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
37715 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
37716 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
37718 -- Henry Brook Adams
37720 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
37721 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
37723 One good reason why computers can do more work than
37724 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
37726 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
37728 One good thing about music,
37729 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
37730 So hit me with music;
37731 Hit me with music now.
37732 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
37734 One good turn asketh another.
37737 One good turn deserves another.
37740 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
37742 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
37743 and end up with the atomic bomb.
37746 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
37749 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
37750 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
37752 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
37755 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
37758 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
37759 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
37761 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
37763 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
37764 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
37765 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
37766 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
37770 One man's constant is another man's variable.
37773 One man's folly is another man's wife.
37776 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
37777 "Supernatural" is a null word.
37779 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
37782 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
37784 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
37785 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
37788 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
37790 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
37791 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
37794 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
37798 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
37800 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
37802 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
37803 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
37804 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
37805 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
37806 nobody can touch him.
37807 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
37809 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
37810 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
37814 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
37815 enough to give you presents they make at school.
37818 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
37819 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
37820 -- Joyce Carol Oates
37822 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
37823 do and always a clever thing to say.
37826 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
37827 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
37828 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
37829 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
37830 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
37831 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
37832 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
37833 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
37834 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
37835 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
37836 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
37838 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
37839 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
37842 One of the most striking differences between a
37843 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
37846 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
37847 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
37849 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
37851 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
37853 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
37855 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
37856 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
37857 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
37858 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
37859 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
37861 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
37862 once had a publisher shot.
37863 -- Siegfried Unseld
37865 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
37867 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
37868 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
37869 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
37870 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
37871 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
37872 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
37873 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
37874 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
37875 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
37877 One organism, one vote.
37879 One person's error is another person's data.
37881 One picture is worth 128K words.
37883 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
37886 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
37887 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
37888 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
37889 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
37890 Go ask Alice Call Alice
37891 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
37893 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
37894 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
37895 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
37897 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
37898 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
37899 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
37902 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
37904 One planet is all you get.
37906 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
37907 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
37909 One possible reason why things aren't going
37910 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
37912 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
37913 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
37914 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
37915 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
37916 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
37917 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
37918 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
37919 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
37920 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
37921 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
37922 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
37923 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
37924 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
37925 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
37926 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
37927 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
37928 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
37930 One reason why George Washington
37931 Is held in such veneration:
37932 He never blamed his problems
37933 On the former Administration.
37934 -- George O. Ludcke
37936 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
37937 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
37938 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
37939 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
37940 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
37941 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
37942 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
37943 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
37946 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
37948 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
37952 Doesn't fit anyone.
37954 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
37956 One thing about the past.
37957 It's likely to last.
37960 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
37961 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
37962 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
37963 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
37965 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
37967 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
37969 One thing the inventors can't seem to
37970 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
37972 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
37973 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
37977 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
37979 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
37980 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
37981 going to be out that long."
37984 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
37985 One toke over the line,
37986 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37987 One toke over the line.
37988 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
37989 Hopin' that the train is on time,
37990 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
37991 One toke over the line.
37993 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
37996 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
37998 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
37999 the stake while the votes were being counted.
38002 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
38006 One-Shot Case Study, n:
38007 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
38008 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
38011 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
38014 Only a fool has no doubts.
38016 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
38019 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
38021 Only fools are quoted.
38024 Only God can make random selections.
38026 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
38029 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
38030 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
38032 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
38033 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
38036 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
38037 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
38039 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
38040 to use the editorial "we".
38042 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
38043 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
38045 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
38048 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
38049 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
38050 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
38051 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
38052 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
38053 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
38054 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
38055 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
38056 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
38057 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
38058 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
38059 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
38061 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
38064 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
38065 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
38068 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
38070 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
38072 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
38073 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
38074 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
38075 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
38076 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
38077 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
38078 -- Sicilian police officer
38080 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
38081 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
38083 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
38085 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
38087 Onward through the fog.
38089 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
38091 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
38094 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
38095 feel like eating for the next six days.
38096 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
38098 Oppernockity tunes but once.
38100 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
38101 work, so most people don't recognize them.
38103 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to
38104 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
38105 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
38106 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
38108 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
38109 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
38112 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
38113 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
38114 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
38115 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
38116 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
38117 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
38120 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
38122 A pessimist asked God for relief.
38123 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
38124 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
38125 would justify them."
38126 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
38127 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
38128 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38131 Someone who goes down to the marriage
38132 bureau to see if his license has expired.
38135 A bagpiper with a beeper.
38137 Optimization hinders evolution.
38139 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
38142 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
38144 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
38145 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
38149 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
38152 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
38155 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
38156 Cleanliness is next to impossible
38160 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
38161 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
38164 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
38165 to people you could not have possibly met.
38166 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38169 Variables won't; constants aren't.
38171 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
38174 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
38175 Where most she satisfies.
38176 -- Antony and Cleopatra
38178 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
38180 Others will look to you for stability,
38181 so hide when you bite your nails.
38183 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
38184 Murphy was an optimist.
38186 Ouch! That felt good!
38189 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
38190 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
38192 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
38193 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
38194 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
38196 Our business in life is not to succeed
38197 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
38198 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
38200 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
38201 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
38202 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
38203 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
38204 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
38205 home-made, hand-held model.
38207 Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
38208 to the Pentagon free of charge:
38210 a. Don't kill anybody.
38211 b. Don't build things that do.
38212 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
38214 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
38217 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
38218 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
38220 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
38221 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
38222 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
38223 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
38225 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
38229 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
38230 means to be a programmer."
38232 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
38233 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
38234 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
38235 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
38236 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
38237 to have been quite real.
38238 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
38240 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
38242 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
38243 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
38245 Our little systems have their day;
38246 They have their day and cease to be;
38247 They are but broken lights of thee.
38250 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
38251 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
38252 In kernel as it is in user.
38254 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
38255 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
38256 rain, we were punished.
38257 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
38259 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
38260 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
38262 Our problems are so serious that the best
38263 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
38265 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
38266 We their sons are more worthless than they:
38267 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
38268 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38270 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
38271 -- Christopher Marlowe
38273 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
38274 In all of the directions it can whiz;
38275 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
38276 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
38277 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
38278 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
38279 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
38280 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
38283 "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
38286 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
38287 -- General Omar N. Bradley
38289 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
38290 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
38292 Out of sight is out of mind.
38295 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
38298 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
38300 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
38301 it's too dark to read."
38304 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
38305 need of the manager than the programming task.
38307 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
38308 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
38310 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
38311 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
38312 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
38313 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
38314 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
38315 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
38316 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
38318 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
38319 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
38320 Concepts and Philosophies,"
38321 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
38323 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
38324 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
38325 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
38326 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
38328 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
38330 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
38332 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
38335 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
38337 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
38339 Owe no man any thing...
38342 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
38343 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
38344 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
38345 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
38346 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
38347 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
38348 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
38349 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
38350 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
38353 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
38354 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
38355 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
38356 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
38357 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
38359 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
38360 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
38361 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
38364 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
38365 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
38367 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
38370 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
38371 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
38372 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38373 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
38375 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
38376 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
38377 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
38378 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
38379 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
38380 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
38381 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
38383 troopa, n: A state policeman.
38384 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
38385 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
38386 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
38389 Falling out of a twenty story building,
38390 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
38393 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
38396 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
38398 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
38401 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
38402 exposing them to the critic.
38406 Never open a box you didn't close.
38408 panic: can't find /
38410 panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
38412 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
38416 2 dashes == 1smidgen
38417 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
38418 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
38419 2 soupcons == too much paprika
38421 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
38425 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
38427 Paralysis through analysis.
38430 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
38432 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
38434 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
38436 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
38438 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
38439 Now ... just try to find out where!
38441 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
38443 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
38444 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
38447 Pardon me while I laugh.
38449 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
38451 Pardo's First Postulate:
38452 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
38456 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
38458 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
38459 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
38462 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
38464 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
38465 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
38466 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
38468 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
38469 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
38470 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
38472 Parsley is gharsley.
38475 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
38478 A gathering where you meet people who drink
38479 so much you can't even remember their names.
38482 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
38483 in his grave if he knew about it.
38484 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
38486 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
38487 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
38489 Pascal is not a high-level language.
38492 "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
38493 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
38496 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
38497 his grave if he knew about it.
38500 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
38501 Please modify your programs accordingly.
38504 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
38505 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
38507 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
38512 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
38514 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
38515 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
38516 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
38517 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
38519 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
38520 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
38522 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
38523 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
38526 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
38528 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
38529 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
38530 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
38531 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
38532 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
38533 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
38534 par for the course, Charlie.
38535 -- Firesign Theatre
38538 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
38539 under brain transplants.
38541 Patch griefs with proverbs.
38542 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
38545 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
38547 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
38549 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
38552 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
38553 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
38555 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
38556 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
38558 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38559 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
38561 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
38562 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
38563 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
38566 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
38567 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
38568 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
38570 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
38573 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
38574 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
38576 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
38579 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
38582 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
38585 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
38589 You can't fall off the floor.
38591 Pause for storage relocation.
38594 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
38595 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
38596 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
38597 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
38607 up your ides under brown-
38614 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
38616 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
38617 can only be achieved by understanding.
38620 Peace is much more precious than a piece
38621 of land... let there be no more wars.
38622 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
38625 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
38626 periods of fighting.
38627 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
38631 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
38632 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
38633 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
38635 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
38637 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
38638 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
38639 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
38640 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
38642 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
38643 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
38644 the week that has a "y" in it.
38647 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
38648 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
38649 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38652 A car with only one working headlight.
38653 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38655 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
38656 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
38657 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
38658 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
38659 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
38660 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
38661 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
38662 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
38664 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
38665 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
38666 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
38668 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
38674 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
38677 "I will never understand people."
38678 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
38679 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
38680 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
38681 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
38682 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
38683 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
38684 -- no offense intended."
38685 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
38687 Penguin Trivia #46:
38688 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
38689 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
38694 A federally insured chain letter.
38696 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
38697 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
38698 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
38699 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
38700 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
38701 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
38702 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
38704 People are beginning to notice you.
38705 Try dressing before you leave the house.
38707 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
38709 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
38711 People don't change; they only become more so.
38713 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
38714 times, four time, five times...
38716 People in general do not willingly read
38717 if they have anything else to amuse them.
38720 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
38721 -- The Best of Will Rogers
38723 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
38724 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
38726 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
38728 -- Otto von Bismarck
38730 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
38731 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
38732 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
38734 People often find it easier to be a
38735 result of the past than a cause of the future.
38737 People respond to people who respond.
38739 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
38743 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
38744 have been left out on the pleasure.
38747 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
38748 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
38749 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
38750 the concentration camps.
38752 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
38754 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
38755 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
38758 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
38761 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
38763 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
38764 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
38765 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
38767 People who claim they don't let little things bother
38768 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
38770 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
38771 -- Abigail Van Buren
38773 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
38775 People who have no faults are terrible;
38776 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
38778 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
38779 what they want that they don't want it.
38782 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
38784 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
38786 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
38788 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
38791 People who think they know everything
38792 greatly annoy those of us who do.
38794 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
38795 Franklin said it first.
38797 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
38799 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
38802 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
38804 People's Action Rules:
38805 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
38806 (2) Some people who should, won't.
38807 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
38808 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
38809 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
38811 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
38814 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
38815 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
38817 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
38820 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
38823 One who makes his host feel at home.
38825 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
38826 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
38827 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
38830 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
38831 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
38832 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
38834 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
38835 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
38838 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
38839 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
38842 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
38844 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
38845 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
38846 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
38847 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
38849 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
38853 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
38854 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
38855 -- Gandalf the Grey
38857 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
38858 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
38859 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
38860 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
38861 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
38862 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
38863 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
38864 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
38865 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
38866 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
38867 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
38868 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
38869 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
38870 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
38871 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
38872 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
38873 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
38875 -- Fowler's English Usage
38877 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
38878 a merit in political leaders.
38879 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
38881 Personifiers of the world, unite!
38882 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38883 -- Bernadette Bosky
38885 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
38887 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
38888 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
38889 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
38890 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
38893 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
38894 wolf from the door.
38897 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
38901 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
38903 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
38904 Waiter: Who told you?
38905 Pete: A little swallow.
38907 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
38908 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
38909 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
38910 into suitable containers and cook until done.
38912 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
38913 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
38914 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
38915 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
38916 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
38918 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
38920 Peter's Law of Substitution:
38921 Look after the molehills, and the
38922 mountains will look after themselves.
38924 Peter's Principle of Success:
38925 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
38928 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
38931 Peterson's Admonition:
38932 When you think you're going down for the third time --
38933 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
38936 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
38937 are filled with something sticky.
38938 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
38939 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
38940 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
38943 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
38944 the window of a vending machine too long.
38945 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38947 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
38949 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
38950 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
38952 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
38955 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
38958 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
38960 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
38963 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
38966 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
38967 will bring it back to life).
38968 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38970 Photographing a volcano is just about
38971 the most miserable thing you can do.
38972 -- Robert B. Goodman
38973 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
38975 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
38976 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
38977 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
38978 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
38980 Pick another fortune cookie.
38982 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
38983 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
38984 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
38985 She left me not knowing what to do.
38987 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
38988 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
38989 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
38990 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
38992 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
38993 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
38994 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
38995 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
38996 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
38998 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
38999 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
39000 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
39001 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
39002 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
39005 If Congress must do a painful thing,
39006 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
39008 "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
39009 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
39010 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
39012 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
39013 Not one damn thing do we solve.
39016 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
39022 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
39023 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
39024 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
39025 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39027 Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
39028 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
39031 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
39032 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
39034 Piping down the valleys wild,
39035 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
39036 On a cloud I saw a child,
39037 And he laughing said to me:
39038 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
39039 So I piped with merry cheer.
39040 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
39041 So I piped: he wept to hear.
39042 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
39044 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
39045 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
39046 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
39047 -- Love and Rockets
39049 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
39050 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
39051 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
39052 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
39053 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
39056 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
39057 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
39058 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
39059 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
39060 get run over by a bus.
39062 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
39063 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
39064 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
39065 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
39068 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
39072 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
39073 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
39074 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
39075 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
39079 "Plaese porrf raed."
39080 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
39082 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
39083 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
39084 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
39085 Don't shade your eyes,
39086 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
39087 Only be sure to call it research.
39090 Planet Claire has pink hair.
39091 All the trees are red.
39092 No one ever dies there.
39093 No one has a head....
39095 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
39096 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
39097 -- Green Lantern Comics
39099 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
39100 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
39101 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
39102 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
39105 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
39106 What develops when two people get
39107 tired of making love to each other.
39109 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
39112 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
39114 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
39116 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
39117 by asking me to do something for you.
39119 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
39120 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
39122 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
39124 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
39125 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
39127 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
39128 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
39132 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
39134 Please ignore previous fortune.
39136 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
39138 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
39140 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
39141 us being hysterical at the same time.
39143 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39145 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
39146 For we are young and free.
39147 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
39148 Our home is girt by sea.
39149 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
39150 Of beauty rich and rare.
39151 In history's page, let every stage
39152 Advance Australia Fair.
39153 In joyful strains then let us sing,
39154 Advance Australia Fair.
39156 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39158 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39160 God save our Gracious Queen!
39161 Long live our Noble Queen!
39162 God save the Queen!
39163 Send her victorious,
39164 Happy and glorious,
39165 Long to reign o'er us!
39166 God save the Queen!
39168 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39170 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39173 Our home and native land
39175 In all thy sons' command
39176 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
39177 The true north strong and free
39178 From far and wide, O Canada
39179 We stand on guard for thee
39180 God keep our land glorious and free
39181 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39182 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
39184 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39186 Please stand for the National Anthem:
39188 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
39189 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
39190 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
39191 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
39192 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
39193 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
39194 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
39195 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
39197 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
39201 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
39202 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
39203 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
39206 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
39208 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
39210 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
39212 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
39213 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
39214 an uncontainable experience.
39220 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
39222 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39223 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
39224 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
39225 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
39227 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
39230 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
39232 poisoned coffee, n:
39233 Grounds for divorce.
39235 Poland has gun control.
39237 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
39239 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
39240 Host: About the drugs?
39242 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
39243 Police: No, the noise.
39244 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
39245 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
39246 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
39248 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
39249 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
39250 ask the host to quiet things down?
39251 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
39252 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
39253 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
39254 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
39255 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
39258 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
39262 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
39263 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
39264 -- Alfred E. Neuman
39266 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
39267 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
39270 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
39271 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
39272 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
39273 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
39274 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39277 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
39278 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
39279 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
39282 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
39283 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
39284 -- Nikita Khrushchev
39286 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
39287 -- Arthur C. Clarke
39289 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
39290 been, and never will be wrong.
39293 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
39294 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
39297 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
39298 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
39302 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
39303 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
39304 -- Winston Churchill
39306 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
39307 systematic organisation of hatreds.
39308 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
39310 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
39311 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
39313 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
39314 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
39315 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
39317 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
39318 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
39321 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
39322 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
39323 explain why it didn't happen.
39324 -- Winston Churchill
39326 Politics, like religion, hold up the
39327 torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
39328 -- Thomas Jefferson
39330 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
39334 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
39335 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
39338 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
39339 The hyperactive child is never absent.
39344 Polymer physicists are into chains.
39347 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
39348 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
39351 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
39352 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
39353 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
39354 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
39355 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
39357 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
39358 Half a pound of treacle
39359 That's the way the chimney smokes
39362 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
39363 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
39364 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
39365 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
39366 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
39368 Populus vult decipi.
39369 [The people like to be deceived.]
39371 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
39375 Survives system reboot.
39378 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
39381 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
39382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39384 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
39387 Post proelium, praemium.
39388 [After the battle, the reward.]
39390 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
39392 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39394 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
39395 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
39396 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
39397 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
39398 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
39400 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
39401 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
39402 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
39403 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
39404 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
39405 diets that are driving them crazy.
39407 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
39408 Except with sour cream.
39410 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
39412 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
39413 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
39414 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
39415 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
39417 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
39418 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
39419 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
39420 general butter-melting by all.
39422 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
39423 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
39425 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
39428 An unfortunate state that persists as long
39429 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
39431 Poverty begins at home.
39433 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
39437 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
39438 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
39440 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
39441 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
39443 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
39445 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
39450 Power is the finest token of affection.
39452 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
39453 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
39454 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
39457 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
39459 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
39462 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
39464 Practical people would be more practical if
39465 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
39468 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
39471 Practically perfect people never permit
39472 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
39475 Practice is the best of all instructors.
39478 Practice yourself what you preach.
39479 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
39482 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
39484 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
39485 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
39487 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
39491 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
39492 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
39495 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
39498 Predestination was doomed from the start.
39500 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
39504 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
39507 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
39510 Preserve the old, but know the new.
39512 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
39514 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
39516 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
39517 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
39519 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
39520 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
39521 -- The Washington Post
39523 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
39525 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
39526 It's on the other side.
39529 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
39531 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
39532 the working man, he loves to see him work.
39533 -- Winston Churchill
39535 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
39536 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
39537 -- Winston Churchill
39539 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
39540 For having it off with his Mater;
39541 Revenge Dad or not?
39542 That's the gist of the plot,
39543 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
39544 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
39546 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
39547 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
39549 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
39552 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
39553 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
39554 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
39555 badly than someone else.
39557 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
39560 Prizes are for children.
39562 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
39564 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
39566 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
39567 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
39568 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
39569 Because she's unable to postulate How.
39570 -- Frederick Winsor
39572 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
39573 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
39574 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
39575 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
39579 A man who never buys.
39581 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
39582 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
39583 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
39584 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
39585 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
39587 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
39588 encryption standard and they came up with ...
39591 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
39593 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
39594 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
39595 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
39596 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
39599 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
39600 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
39601 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
39602 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
39605 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
39606 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
39607 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
39609 Programmers do it bit by bit.
39611 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
39612 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
39613 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
39615 Programming Department:
39616 Mistakes made while you wait.
39618 Programming is an unnatural act.
39620 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
39621 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
39622 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
39627 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
39628 invading the body and taking possession of it.
39630 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
39631 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
39633 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
39634 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
39635 -- George Bernard Shaw
39637 Progress means replacing a theory that
39638 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
39640 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
39643 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
39646 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
39648 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
39650 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
39651 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
39652 level where they can't foul up operations.
39654 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
39656 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
39658 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
39659 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
39661 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
39663 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
39664 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
39665 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
39666 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
39667 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
39668 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
39670 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
39671 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
39672 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
39673 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
39674 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
39676 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
39677 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
39679 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
39681 Gesticulation (handwaving)
39683 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
39685 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
39687 Lack of a counterexample, and
39688 "It stands to reason"
39690 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
39691 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
39694 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39696 BBW Branch Both Ways
39697 BEW Branch Either Way
39698 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
39700 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
39702 BPO Branch on Power Off
39703 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
39704 CDS Condense and Destroy System
39705 CLBR Clobber Register
39706 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
39707 CM Circulate Memory
39708 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
39709 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
39710 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
39712 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39714 DC Divide and Conquer
39715 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
39716 DO Divide and Overflow
39717 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
39718 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
39719 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
39720 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
39721 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
39722 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
39723 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
39724 PBC Print and Break Chain
39727 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
39730 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
39731 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
39732 RASC Read And Shred Card
39733 RPM Read Programmers Mind
39734 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
39735 RTAB Rewind tape and break
39737 RWOC Read Writing On Card
39738 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
39739 SLC Search for Lost Chord
39740 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
39741 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
39742 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
39743 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
39744 WBT Water Binary Tree
39746 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
39749 Prototype designs always work.
39753 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
39754 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
39755 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
39756 prototype is not expected to work.
39758 "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
39759 than the both put together."
39761 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
39762 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
39764 Prunes give you a run for your money.
39766 Pryor's Observation:
39767 How long you live has nothing to do
39768 with how long you are going to be dead.
39770 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
39771 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
39773 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
39775 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
39777 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
39779 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
39783 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
39785 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
39789 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
39792 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
39793 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
39794 Biologists think they're biochemists.
39795 Biochemists think they're chemists.
39796 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
39797 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
39798 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
39799 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
39800 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
39801 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
39802 Philosophers think they're gods.
39804 Psychology. Mind over matter.
39805 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
39808 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
39809 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
39812 Public use of any portable music system is a
39813 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
39816 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
39817 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
39820 Anything that begins well will end badly.
39821 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
39823 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
39825 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
39826 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
39827 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
39828 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
39829 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
39830 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
39831 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
39832 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
39834 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
39839 Someone who is deathly afraid that
39840 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
39842 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
39843 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
39846 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
39847 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
39848 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39850 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
39852 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
39854 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
39856 Pushing forty is exercise enough.
39858 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
39859 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
39860 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
39861 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
39864 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
39865 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
39867 Put another password in,
39868 Bomb it out, then try again.
39869 Try to get past logging in,
39870 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
39872 Try his first wife's maiden name,
39873 This is more than just a game.
39874 It's real fun, but just the same,
39875 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
39877 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
39879 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
39881 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
39883 Put your best foot forward.
39884 Or just call in and say you're sick.
39886 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
39888 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
39889 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
39891 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
39894 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
39895 Those who understand what they do not manage.
39896 Those who manage what they do not understand.
39898 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
39903 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
39906 Q: do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
39908 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
39912 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
39913 A: He got re-possessed!
39915 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
39916 A: With three more bullets.
39918 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
39920 A: You have to wait 22 months.
39922 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
39924 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
39926 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
39927 A: When his lips move.
39929 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
39930 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
39932 Q: But how did he get back down?
39933 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
39935 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
39938 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
39939 A: Unique up on it!
39941 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
39944 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
39946 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
39947 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
39949 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
39950 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
39952 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
39953 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
39955 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
39956 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
39957 struck by lightning first.
39959 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
39960 A: Throw him a rock.
39962 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
39963 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
39965 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
39966 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
39967 a blue-elephant gun.
39969 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
39970 A: Take away his credit cards.
39972 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
39973 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
39974 A: He changes the domain.
39976 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
39977 A: She asks them for a commitment.
39979 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
39980 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
39982 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
39983 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
39984 of license fee (binary only).
39986 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39987 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
39988 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
39990 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
39991 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
39992 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
39993 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
39995 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
39996 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
39997 those Californians trying to share the experience.
39999 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40000 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
40002 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
40003 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
40005 Q: How long does it take?
40006 A: It's indeterminate.
40007 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
40009 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
40010 A: They replace your generator.
40012 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
40013 A: One more than you can find.
40015 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
40016 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
40018 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
40019 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
40021 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
40022 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
40024 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
40025 A: The door won't shut.
40027 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
40028 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
40030 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40031 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
40033 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
40034 A: None. The application can work around it.
40036 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40037 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
40039 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
40040 A: None. The user can figure it out.
40042 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40043 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
40045 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
40046 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
40048 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
40049 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
40051 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
40052 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
40053 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
40054 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
40055 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
40056 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
40058 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40059 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
40060 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
40061 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
40062 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
40063 the bulb in the first place.
40065 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40066 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
40068 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40069 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
40070 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
40071 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
40072 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
40073 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
40074 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
40075 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
40076 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
40077 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
40079 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
40080 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
40081 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
40082 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
40083 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
40084 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
40085 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
40086 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
40087 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
40088 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
40089 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
40090 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
40091 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
40092 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
40093 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
40094 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
40095 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
40097 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
40098 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
40099 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
40101 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
40102 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
40104 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40105 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
40107 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40108 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
40109 to the earlier joke.
40111 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
40113 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
40114 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
40115 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
40116 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
40117 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
40118 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
40119 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
40120 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
40121 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
40122 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
40123 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
40124 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
40125 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
40126 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
40127 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
40128 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
40129 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
40130 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
40132 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
40134 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
40137 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40138 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
40139 out from under him.
40141 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
40142 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
40143 to really want to change.
40145 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
40146 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
40147 the ship out of disgrace."
40149 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
40150 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
40151 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
40153 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
40154 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
40155 with brightly colored machine tools.
40157 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
40159 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
40162 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
40165 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
40168 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
40169 and putting wings on an elephant is?
40170 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
40172 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
40173 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
40174 bottles into the typewriter.
40176 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
40179 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
40180 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
40182 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
40184 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
40186 Q: What did the regular expression match?
40187 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
40189 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
40190 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
40191 they go down on you.
40193 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
40194 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
40196 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40197 puzzle in only 6 months?
40198 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40200 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
40201 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
40203 Q: What do monsters eat?
40206 Q: What do monsters drink?
40207 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
40209 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
40210 A: The impossible dream.
40212 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
40213 A: Rule the country.
40215 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
40216 A: The same middle name.
40218 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
40221 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
40222 A: To cover up the valve stem.
40224 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
40225 puzzle in only 6 months?
40226 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
40228 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
40229 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
40231 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
40232 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
40234 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
40237 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
40240 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
40241 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
40243 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
40246 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
40247 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
40249 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
40250 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
40252 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
40253 eating fruit, and singing?
40254 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
40256 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
40257 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
40259 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
40262 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
40263 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
40266 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
40267 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
40269 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
40270 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
40273 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
40274 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
40277 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
40281 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
40282 A: An offer you can't understand.
40284 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
40285 A: Hot cross bunnies!
40287 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
40288 A: Not enough sand.
40290 Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
40293 Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
40294 A: To keep her neck warm.
40296 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
40297 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
40299 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
40300 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
40301 a delicious dessert.
40303 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
40306 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
40307 A: Exploding sheep.
40309 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
40312 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
40315 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
40318 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
40319 A: A ball point carrot.
40321 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
40324 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40325 A: A boolean grape.
40327 Q: What is purple and commutes?
40328 A: An Abelian grape.
40330 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
40331 A: Alexander the Grape.
40333 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
40335 A: "Is there a dog?"
40337 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
40338 A: One leg is both the same.
40340 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
40341 A: Yogurt has culture.
40343 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
40344 A: Her bowling shoes.
40346 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
40347 A: I think I'm drunk.
40349 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
40350 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
40352 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
40353 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
40355 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
40358 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
40359 A: A nervous wreck.
40361 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
40362 plays like a monkey?
40365 Q: What regular expression do you often see around christmas?
40368 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
40369 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
40371 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
40372 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
40374 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
40377 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
40378 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
40379 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
40381 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
40382 A: Artificial intelligence.
40384 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
40385 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
40387 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
40390 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
40391 lawyer in the road?
40392 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
40394 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
40395 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
40397 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
40398 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
40400 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
40403 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
40406 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
40407 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
40409 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
40410 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
40412 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
40413 A: A canary with the super-user password.
40415 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
40418 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
40419 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
40421 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
40422 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
40424 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
40427 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
40428 A: Because they're worth it!
40430 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
40431 A: Because he was hungry.
40433 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
40434 A: To see what was on the other side.
40436 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
40439 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
40440 A: She opens the car door.
40442 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40443 A: He was giving it last rites.
40445 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
40446 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
40448 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
40449 A: To get to the other slide.
40451 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
40452 A: To get to the other slide.
40454 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
40455 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
40457 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
40458 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
40460 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
40461 A: Because that was her name.
40463 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
40464 A: To get to the middle.
40466 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
40467 A: To stamp out forest fires.
40469 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
40470 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
40472 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
40473 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
40475 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
40476 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
40478 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
40479 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
40480 Oh, right, *of course*!
40482 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
40483 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
40484 an eye on the two intellectuals.
40486 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
40487 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
40488 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
40490 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
40491 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
40493 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
40494 A: To keep their ankles warm.
40496 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
40497 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
40499 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
40500 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
40502 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
40503 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
40504 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
40505 visiting, they always take three.
40507 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
40508 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
40509 gets all the credit.
40511 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
40512 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
40513 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
40515 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
40516 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
40518 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
40519 A: All the blondes have gone home!
40521 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
40522 A: There's white-out on the screen.
40524 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
40526 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
40528 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
40529 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
40531 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
40532 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
40534 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40535 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
40536 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
40537 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
40538 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
40540 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
40544 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
40547 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
40548 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
40551 Q: What's a light-year?
40552 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
40554 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
40555 A: Because it was on the other side.
40557 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
40560 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
40561 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
40562 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
40563 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
40564 somebody else has made the correction.
40566 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
40567 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
40568 to inform the whole net right away!
40570 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
40573 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
40574 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
40576 Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
40577 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
40579 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
40580 A: The Titanic had a band.
40585 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
40588 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
40591 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
40594 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
40597 All I want is more than my fair share.
40600 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
40601 have to stop and breathe."
40602 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
40605 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
40608 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
40611 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
40615 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
40619 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
40622 "Her other car is a broom."
40625 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
40629 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
40632 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
40635 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
40638 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
40641 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
40642 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
40645 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
40648 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
40651 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
40654 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion."
40657 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
40660 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
40661 ball in their court.
40662 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
40665 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
40669 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
40670 horse with one of the horns broken off."
40673 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
40676 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
40677 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
40680 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
40683 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
40687 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
40690 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
40693 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
40696 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
40700 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
40701 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
40704 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
40707 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
40710 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
40713 If it's too loud, you're too old.
40716 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
40719 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
40722 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
40725 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
40728 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
40731 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
40733 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
40736 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
40739 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
40742 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
40745 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
40749 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
40750 hands in his own pockets."
40753 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
40756 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
40759 "It's been Monday all week today."
40762 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
40765 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
40766 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
40769 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
40772 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
40773 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
40776 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
40777 strike. To make less money."
40780 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
40784 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
40787 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
40791 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
40798 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
40801 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
40802 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
40803 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
40804 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
40807 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
40810 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
40814 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
40817 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
40820 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
40823 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
40827 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
40830 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
40833 "Our parents were never our age."
40836 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
40839 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
40840 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
40843 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
40846 "She's about as smart as bait."
40849 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
40852 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
40855 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
40858 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
40859 I do what I get paid to do.
40862 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
40863 neck to get the dog to play with it."
40866 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
40869 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
40870 the snakes have gone away.
40873 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
40876 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
40880 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
40883 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
40886 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
40887 think he was broken!"
40890 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
40891 when I mess things up."
40894 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
40895 "baring your neck."
40898 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
40901 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
40904 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
40905 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
40908 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
40912 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
40915 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
40919 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
40920 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
40921 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
40924 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
40928 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
40931 Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency
40935 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
40938 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40941 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
40942 gerbil has more dark meat.
40948 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
40949 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
40951 Quality Control, n.:
40952 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
40953 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
40955 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
40956 but its the only one we've got.
40958 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
40959 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
40961 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
40964 The sound made by a well bred duck.
40966 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
40968 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
40969 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
40970 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate
40971 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
40972 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
40973 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
40974 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
40977 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
40980 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
40984 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
40985 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
40988 Ask somebody something.
40991 Man Invented Alcohol,
40992 God Invented Grass.
40995 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
40998 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
41000 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
41002 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
41004 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
41007 Whoever has any authority over you,
41008 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
41010 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
41013 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
41014 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
41021 Qvid me anxivs svm?
41023 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
41024 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
41025 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
41026 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
41027 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
41028 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
41029 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
41032 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
41035 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
41039 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
41041 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
41044 rain falls where clouds come
41045 sun shines where clouds go
41046 clouds just come and go
41047 -- Florian Gutzwiller
41049 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
41051 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
41053 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
41055 Ralph's Observation:
41056 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
41057 realise that you are in a hurry.
41059 RAM wasn't built in a day.
41062 as in number, predictable.
41063 as in memory access, unpredictable.
41065 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
41067 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
41070 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
41071 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
41072 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
41073 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
41074 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
41075 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
41076 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
41077 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
41078 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
41079 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
41080 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
41082 Ray's Rule of Precision:
41083 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
41088 And drugs cause cramp.
41089 Guns aren't lawful;
41092 You might as well live.
41093 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
41096 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
41097 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
41098 described with pictures.
41100 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
41101 And find they do not know your name.
41102 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
41103 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
41104 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
41105 And feel its chill upon your blood.
41106 Hold a candle to the night,
41107 And see the darkness bend the flame.
41108 Tear the mask of peace from God,
41109 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
41110 Pluck a rose in name of love,
41111 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
41112 Lean upon the western wind,
41113 And know you are alone.
41116 Reactor error - core dumped!
41118 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
41119 Congress. But I repeat myself.
41122 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
41124 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
41126 Reagan can't act either.
41128 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
41129 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
41130 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
41131 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
41133 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
41134 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
41137 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
41138 so long they can't afford the disk space.
41140 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
41141 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
41143 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
41144 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
41145 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
41147 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
41148 could they read their mail?
41150 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
41151 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
41152 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
41154 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
41155 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
41156 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
41159 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
41160 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
41163 Real programmers don't document; if it was
41164 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
41166 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
41167 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
41170 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
41172 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
41173 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
41174 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
41175 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
41177 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
41178 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
41180 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
41181 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
41184 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
41185 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
41187 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
41189 Real programs don't eat cache.
41191 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
41192 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
41194 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
41195 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
41196 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
41198 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
41199 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
41200 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
41201 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
41202 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
41203 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
41204 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
41206 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
41207 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
41208 using an undocumented external procedure.
41211 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
41214 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
41215 afraid to break your face.
41217 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
41218 down the system for days.
41220 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
41222 Real Users know your home telephone number.
41224 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
41225 program doesn't deliver it.
41227 Real Users never use the Help key.
41229 Real wealth can only increase.
41230 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
41232 Real World, The n.:
41233 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
41234 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
41235 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
41236 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
41237 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
41238 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
41239 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
41240 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
41241 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
41244 Reality -- what a concept!
41247 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
41249 Reality does not exist - yet.
41251 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
41253 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
41255 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
41258 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
41261 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
41263 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
41265 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
41268 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
41270 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
41273 "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
41277 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
41281 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
41284 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
41286 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
41287 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41289 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
41290 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
41291 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
41293 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
41295 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
41296 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
41299 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
41300 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
41301 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
41302 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
41303 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
41304 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
41305 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
41306 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
41307 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
41310 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
41311 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
41312 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
41313 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
41316 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
41317 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
41318 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
41319 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
41321 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
41322 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
41323 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
41324 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
41325 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
41326 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
41327 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
41328 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
41329 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
41330 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
41331 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
41333 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
41335 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
41336 Take not a single bit!
41337 It used to point to me,
41338 Now I'm protecting it.
41339 It was the reader's CONS
41340 That made it, paired by dot;
41341 Now, GC, for the nonce,
41342 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
41344 Recursion is the root of computation
41345 since it trades description for time.
41347 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
41348 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
41350 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
41351 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
41355 Regression analysis:
41356 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
41360 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
41363 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
41366 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
41367 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
41369 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
41370 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
41371 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
41373 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
41374 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
41375 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
41377 Reliable source, n:
41378 The guy you just met.
41380 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
41383 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
41385 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
41388 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
41390 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
41391 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
41392 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
41393 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41395 "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
41399 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
41401 Remember Darwin; building a better
41402 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
41404 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
41405 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
41407 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
41409 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
41412 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
41414 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
41417 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
41418 have an established user base.
41420 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
41424 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
41425 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
41426 -- Good Morning VietNam
41428 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
41429 that you're the one holding it.
41430 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
41432 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
41433 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
41434 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
41435 Across The Eighth Dimension"
41437 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41440 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
41441 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
41442 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
41444 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
41447 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
41448 worse in Cleveland.
41449 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
41451 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
41453 Remember the... the... uhh.....
41456 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
41457 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
41458 Yea, from the table of my memory
41459 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
41460 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
41461 That youth and observation copied there.
41462 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
41464 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
41466 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
41469 Remember: use logout to logout.
41471 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
41474 Remove me from this land of slaves,
41475 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
41476 Where every knave and fool is bought,
41477 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
41480 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
41481 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
41484 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
41486 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
41489 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
41490 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
41492 Reply hazy, ask again later.
41495 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
41496 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
41499 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
41500 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
41502 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
41503 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
41506 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
41508 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
41510 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
41512 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
41513 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
41514 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
41515 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
41516 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
41517 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
41518 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
41519 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
41520 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
41521 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
41523 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
41525 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
41526 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
41527 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
41529 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
41530 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
41532 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
41533 Republicans hang them on the wall.
41535 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
41536 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
41538 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
41539 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
41541 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
41542 That is why there are more Democrats.
41543 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
41546 What others are not thinking about you.
41548 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
41549 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
41550 so you're still a valiant nerd.
41552 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
41553 and think what nobody else has thought.
41555 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
41556 -- Wernher von Braun
41560 He didn't know where he was going.
41561 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
41562 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
41563 And he did it all on someone else's money.
41565 Resisting temptation is easier when you
41566 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
41569 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
41570 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
41571 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
41572 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
41573 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
41575 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
41576 actually have a shot at it.
41578 Reunite Gondwondaland!
41580 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
41582 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
41584 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
41586 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
41588 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
41592 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
41593 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
41594 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
41595 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
41597 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
41598 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
41599 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
41600 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
41602 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
41603 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
41604 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
41605 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
41608 A form of government abroad.
41611 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
41614 revolutionary, adj:
41618 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
41619 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
41620 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
41621 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
41622 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
41623 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
41624 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
41625 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
41626 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
41627 assume otherwise, maybe.
41629 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
41630 should be happier than others.
41633 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
41634 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
41635 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
41637 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
41639 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
41642 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
41643 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
41645 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
41646 "Your winnings, sir."
41647 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
41650 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
41651 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
41653 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
41656 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
41657 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
41658 rights, which they use or do not use.
41661 Ring around the collar.
41664 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
41665 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
41666 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
41669 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
41672 University administrator.
41675 Never having to say you're sorry.
41677 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
41678 Unless the results are known in advance,
41679 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
41681 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
41683 -- Edgar Friedenberg
41685 Rome was not built in one day.
41688 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
41690 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
41691 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
41692 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
41694 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
41695 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
41696 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
41697 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
41700 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
41701 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
41709 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
41710 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
41712 Round Numbers are always false.
41715 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
41717 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
41719 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
41720 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
41723 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
41724 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
41725 stay in Washington and make it there.
41727 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
41730 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
41733 Rudin's Second Law:
41734 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
41735 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
41741 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
41742 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
41743 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
41745 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
41751 The Boss is always right.
41754 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
41756 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
41757 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
41758 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
41759 shall be deemed to be a cat.
41761 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
41762 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
41763 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
41764 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
41765 regain their composure.
41767 Rule of Creative Research:
41768 1) Never draw what you can copy.
41769 2) Never copy what you can trace.
41770 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
41772 Rule of Defactualization:
41773 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
41775 Rule of Feline Frustration:
41776 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
41777 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
41780 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
41783 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
41784 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
41786 Rule the Empire through force.
41790 (1) The boss is always right.
41791 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
41793 Rules for Academic Deans:
41795 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
41796 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
41798 Rules for driving in New York:
41799 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
41800 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
41801 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
41804 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
41805 1: Don't use no double negatives.
41806 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
41807 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
41808 4: About them sentence fragments.
41809 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
41810 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
41811 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
41812 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
41813 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
41814 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
41815 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
41816 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
41817 13: Correct speling is essential.
41818 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
41819 15: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
41820 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
41821 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
41824 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
41825 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
41826 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
41827 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
41828 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
41829 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
41830 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
41831 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
41832 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
41833 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
41834 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
41835 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
41836 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
41837 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
41839 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
41840 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
41841 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
41842 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
41843 (4) Enjoy your food.
41844 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
41845 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
41846 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
41847 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
41848 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
41849 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
41850 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
41851 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
41852 can always eat it later.
41853 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
41854 (11) Avoid blue food.
41855 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
41857 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
41861 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
41863 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
41864 -- John Cameron Swayze
41866 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
41867 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
41868 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
41869 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
41870 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
41873 Make three correct guesses consecutively
41874 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
41876 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41878 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
41879 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
41881 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
41882 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
41883 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
41884 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
41885 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
41886 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
41887 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
41889 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
41896 Sacher's Observation:
41897 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
41899 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
41902 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
41904 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
41905 Beating a dead horse.
41909 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
41910 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
41912 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
41914 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
41915 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
41916 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
41917 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
41918 6. People ignore you at parties.
41919 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
41920 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
41922 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
41924 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
41925 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
41926 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
41927 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
41928 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
41929 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
41930 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
41932 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
41933 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
41934 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
41935 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
41936 laugh at you a great deal.
41938 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
41939 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
41940 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
41941 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
41943 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
41944 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
41945 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
41946 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
41948 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
41949 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
41952 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
41953 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
41955 Sailors in ships, sail on!
41956 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
41958 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
41959 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
41961 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
41962 in small amounts over a long period of time.
41965 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
41967 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
41968 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
41969 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
41970 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
41971 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
41972 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
41973 uncharted waters here.
41976 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
41977 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
41978 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41980 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
41981 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
41982 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41984 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
41985 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
41986 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
41988 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
41989 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
41990 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
41991 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
41992 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
41993 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
41995 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
41996 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
41997 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
41999 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
42000 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
42001 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
42003 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
42004 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
42005 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
42007 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
42008 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
42009 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
42011 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
42012 All: Norm! (Norman.)
42013 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
42014 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
42015 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
42017 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
42018 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
42019 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
42020 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
42022 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
42023 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
42024 Found him every couple of blocks.
42025 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
42027 Sam: What's new, Norm?
42028 Norm: Most of my wife.
42029 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
42032 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
42033 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
42035 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
42036 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
42037 to be the guinea pig.
42038 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
42041 Four million people, where you can't get a
42042 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
42044 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
42045 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
42046 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
42047 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
42048 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
42050 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
42054 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
42056 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
42058 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
42061 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
42063 Santa Claus is watching!
42065 Santa Claus wears a red suit
42068 He has long hair and a beard
42069 Must be a pacifist.
42071 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
42073 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
42074 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
42076 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
42077 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
42079 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
42081 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
42082 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
42084 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
42086 Satire is tragedy plus time.
42089 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
42091 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
42095 It works better if you plug it in.
42097 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
42098 Is like being nowhere at all,
42099 All through the day how the hours rush by,
42100 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
42101 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
42103 Satyrs have more faun.
42105 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
42107 Savage's Law of Expediency:
42108 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
42110 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
42111 surprised at how little you have.
42114 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
42117 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
42119 Save energy: be apathetic.
42121 Save gas, don't eat beans.
42123 Save gas, don't use the shell.
42127 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
42129 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
42131 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
42133 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
42134 Bust in business, lost your wife;
42135 No one cares a cent about you,
42136 You don't care a cent for life;
42137 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
42138 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
42139 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
42140 And the big blue sky.
42143 Say it with flowers,
42144 Or say it with mink,
42145 But whatever you do,
42146 Don't say it with ink!
42149 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
42150 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
42151 No justice, please, curse ye!
42152 We really want mercy:
42153 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
42154 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
42156 Say my love is easy had,
42157 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
42158 Say I am too often sad --
42159 Still behold me at your side.
42161 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
42162 Say I woo and coddle care,
42163 Say the devil touched my tongue,
42164 Still you have my heart to wear.
42166 But say my verses do not scan,
42167 And I get me another man!
42168 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
42170 Say no, then negotiate.
42173 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
42175 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
42177 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
42181 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
42182 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
42183 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
42185 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
42188 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
42189 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
42190 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
42191 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
42192 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
42193 intently watching him.
42196 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
42198 Schapiro's Explanation:
42199 The grass is always greener on the other side --
42200 but that's because they use more manure.
42202 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
42205 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
42206 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
42207 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42209 Schmidt's Observation:
42210 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
42211 than a thin person.
42214 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
42216 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42219 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
42221 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
42223 Science and religion are in full accord but
42224 science and faith are in complete discord.
42226 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
42227 Frank has built and lost his creature.
42228 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
42229 The servants gone to a distant planet.
42231 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42232 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
42233 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
42234 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
42236 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
42237 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
42239 -- Jules Henri Poincare
42241 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
42242 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
42243 is not necessarily science.
42244 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
42246 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
42247 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
42250 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
42252 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
42254 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
42256 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
42257 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
42258 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
42259 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
42260 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
42261 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
42262 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
42263 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
42264 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
42265 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
42266 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
42267 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
42268 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
42269 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
42270 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
42272 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
42276 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
42277 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
42278 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
42279 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
42281 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
42282 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
42283 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
42284 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
42285 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
42286 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
42287 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
42288 together. "There is now", came the reply.
42290 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42291 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
42292 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
42293 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
42294 Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific,
42295 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
42297 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
42299 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
42300 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
42301 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
42302 Scorpio people are murdered.
42304 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
42305 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
42306 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
42307 to throw up. Knock it off.
42309 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
42310 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
42311 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
42312 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
42313 to win. You never learn.
42316 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
42318 Scott's second Law:
42319 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
42320 to have been wrong in the first place.
42323 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
42324 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
42326 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
42327 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
42328 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
42329 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
42330 Spock: Affirmative.
42331 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
42332 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
42334 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
42335 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
42336 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42337 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
42338 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
42339 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
42340 And we've also found Just flip one switch
42341 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
42342 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
42343 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
42344 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
42345 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
42346 The system is going to crash.
42347 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
42351 Roll the tapes across the floor!
42353 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
42356 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
42357 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
42359 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
42363 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
42364 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
42366 Sears has everything.
42368 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
42370 Second Law of Business Meetings:
42371 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
42372 will pick the wrong one.
42375 If there is only one way to spell a name,
42376 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
42378 Second Law of Final Exams:
42379 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
42380 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
42382 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
42384 Secretary's Revenge:
42385 Filing almost everything under "the".
42387 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
42388 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
42389 multiline message byte.
42390 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
42391 must be sent passive true.
42392 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
42393 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
42394 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
42395 (a) The LADS is active
42396 (b) Nor LACS is active"
42398 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
42399 Programmable Instrumentation
42401 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
42403 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
42404 [Who guards the Guardians?]
42406 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
42407 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
42408 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
42410 Sightlessly seeking
42411 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
42412 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
42414 "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
42416 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
42417 the second one should have seen it.
42419 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
42420 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
42421 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
42422 himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
42423 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
42424 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
42425 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
42427 Seeing is believing.
42428 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
42430 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
42433 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
42434 Will come when it will come.
42435 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
42437 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
42438 -- Alfred North Whitehead
42440 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
42441 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
42442 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
42443 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
42444 rocks. They all got out of the car:
42445 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
42446 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
42447 into town and have a specialist look at it."
42448 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
42449 in and see if it does it again."
42451 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
42452 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
42454 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
42455 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
42456 you like me to put it on your bill?"
42457 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
42459 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
42460 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
42461 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
42462 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
42463 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
42465 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
42466 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
42467 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
42468 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
42469 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
42470 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
42471 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
42472 like when God was working it alone!"
42474 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
42475 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
42477 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
42478 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
42481 "Got any bear bells?"
42483 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
42484 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
42485 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
42487 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
42488 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
42491 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
42492 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
42494 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
42495 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
42496 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
42497 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
42499 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
42500 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
42501 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
42502 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
42503 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
42504 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
42505 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
42506 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
42507 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
42508 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
42509 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
42510 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
42511 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
42512 some new underwear.
42513 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
42514 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
42515 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
42516 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
42517 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
42518 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
42520 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
42521 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
42523 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
42524 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
42526 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
42527 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
42529 Self Test for Paranoia:
42530 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
42534 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
42538 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
42540 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
42541 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
42542 material glorifying violence?"
42543 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
42544 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
42545 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
42546 not for little Johnny."
42548 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
42549 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
42552 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
42556 Send some filthy mail.
42558 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
42559 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
42562 The state of mind of elderly persons
42563 with whom one happens to disagree.
42565 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
42566 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
42567 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
42568 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
42570 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
42572 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
42576 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
42578 Serenity through viciousness.
42583 Serocki's Stricture:
42584 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
42586 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
42588 Set the cart before the horse.
42591 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
42592 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
42593 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
42594 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
42595 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
42596 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
42597 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
42598 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
42599 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
42601 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
42602 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
42603 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
42604 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
42605 like crabgrass all over the United States.
42606 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
42608 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42609 Is all my brain and body need.
42610 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
42611 Are very good indeed.
42613 Take your silly ways,
42614 Throw them out the window,
42615 The wisdom of your ways,
42616 I've been there and I know,
42617 Lots of other ways...
42618 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
42620 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
42622 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
42625 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
42627 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
42628 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
42631 Sex is an emotion in motion.
42634 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
42636 -- Malcolm DacDougall
42638 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
42639 -- Garrison Keillor
42641 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
42642 it's still darn tasty!
42644 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
42647 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
42651 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
42654 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
42655 most amount of trouble.
42658 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
42659 repeated until infinity.
42660 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
42661 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
42664 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
42665 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
42668 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
42669 how children do not come into the world.
42672 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
42674 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
42675 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
42678 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
42679 pietists to oppress the human race.
42680 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
42682 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
42683 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
42684 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
42685 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
42686 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
42687 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
42688 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
42689 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
42690 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
42691 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
42693 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
42695 Shannon's Observation
42696 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
42697 that is beginning to improve.
42700 To give in, endure humiliation.
42702 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
42703 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
42704 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
42708 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
42711 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
42713 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
42715 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
42716 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
42717 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
42718 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
42720 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
42721 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
42722 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
42723 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
42725 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
42726 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
42727 I thought I'd blow her mind...
42729 She been married so many times
42730 she got rice marks all over her face.
42733 She blinded me with science!
42735 She can kill all your files;
42736 She can freeze with a frown.
42737 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
42738 And she works on her code until ten after three.
42739 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
42740 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
42742 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
42745 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
42747 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
42750 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
42753 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
42754 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
42755 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
42756 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
42757 involvement in "The Avengers".
42759 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
42762 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
42763 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
42765 She often gave herself very good advice
42766 (though she very seldom followed it).
42769 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
42770 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
42772 "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
42773 you should hear me play piano.'"
42776 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
42777 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
42778 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
42779 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
42781 She sells cshs by the cshore.
42783 She stood on the tracks
42785 Leading me to that third rail shock
42787 She changed her mind
42789 She gave me a night
42791 What will it take until I stop
42795 There's nothing else I can do
42796 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
42797 I don't want anyone new
42798 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
42799 There's nothing in it for you
42800 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
42801 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
42803 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
42804 But she's just a crumb up here
42805 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
42806 With a cauliflower ear
42807 Someday we will be married
42808 And if vegetables become too dear
42809 I'll just cut me a slice of
42810 Her cauliflower ear!
42811 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
42813 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
42814 good at being short.
42815 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
42817 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
42819 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
42821 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
42824 All trails have more uphill sections
42825 than they have downhill sections.
42827 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
42829 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
42830 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
42831 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
42832 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
42833 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
42834 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
42835 bad fiction contest.
42837 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
42838 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
42839 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
42842 She's genuinely bogus.
42844 She's learned to say things with her eyes
42845 that others waste time putting into words.
42847 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
42849 She's such a kinky girl,
42850 The kind you don't take home to mother.
42851 She will never let your spirits down
42852 Once you get her off the street.
42854 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
42857 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
42860 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
42863 Shift to the right,
42865 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
42868 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
42872 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
42874 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
42875 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
42876 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
42877 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
42880 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
42881 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
42882 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
42884 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
42885 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
42886 body join her long dead brain.
42888 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
42889 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
42892 Short people get rained on last.
42894 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
42897 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
42898 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
42901 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
42902 playing golf with his boss.
42904 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
42906 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
42908 Showing up is 80% of life.
42911 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
42914 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
42915 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
42918 Sic transit gloria Monday!
42920 Sic transit gloria mundi.
42921 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
42924 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
42926 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
42928 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
42930 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
42932 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
42933 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
42935 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
42936 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
42940 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
42943 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
42945 sillema sillema nika su
42946 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
42948 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
42950 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
42951 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
42952 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
42953 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
42954 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
42955 intersection in town. BUT!
42957 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42958 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
42960 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
42961 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
42962 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
42963 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
42965 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
42966 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
42969 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
42972 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
42974 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
42978 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
42979 character of this point is therefore another method for the
42980 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
42983 -- by Claude E. Shannon.
42985 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
42991 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
42993 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
42994 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
42995 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
42998 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
42999 when others believe him.
43000 -- Charles DeGaulle
43002 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
43004 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
43005 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
43006 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
43008 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
43009 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
43010 burst out in laughter.
43013 Since I hurt my pendulum
43014 My life is all erratic.
43015 My parrot who was cordial
43016 Is now transmitting static.
43017 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
43018 The cat keeps doing poo.
43019 The only thing that keeps me sane
43020 Is talking to my shoe.
43023 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
43026 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
43030 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
43031 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
43033 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
43035 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
43037 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
43040 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
43041 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
43042 -- Winston Churchill
43044 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
43045 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
43046 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
43048 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
43049 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
43050 It'll cost you though".
43052 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
43053 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
43055 "An arm and a leg", said God.
43057 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
43060 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
43061 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
43062 gives us modern art.
43065 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
43066 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
43067 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
43068 should have gotten.
43070 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
43071 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
43072 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
43073 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
43074 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
43077 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
43079 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
43080 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
43082 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
43083 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
43084 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
43085 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
43086 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
43087 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
43088 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
43089 for deliverance from chains.
43090 -- Frederick Douglass
43092 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
43095 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
43097 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
43098 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
43099 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
43100 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
43101 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
43102 attracted to dark objects.
43105 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
43110 Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
43113 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
43114 it sits in the dish too long.
43115 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43117 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
43119 Small is beautiful.
43120 -- Schumacher's Dictum
43122 Small things make base men proud.
43123 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43125 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
43126 teacher was in my class for five years.
43129 Smear the road with a runner!!
43131 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
43133 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
43135 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
43138 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
43139 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
43140 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
43141 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
43142 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
43143 filed 30 days in advance.
43145 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
43148 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
43150 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
43151 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
43154 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
43155 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
43157 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
43159 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
43162 What you'd say if you had another chance.
43164 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
43166 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
43167 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
43169 Snow Day -- stay home.
43171 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
43172 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
43173 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
43174 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
43175 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
43176 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
43178 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
43179 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
43180 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
43181 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
43183 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
43184 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
43185 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
43186 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
43187 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
43188 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
43189 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
43192 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
43195 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
43196 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
43197 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
43198 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
43199 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
43200 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
43201 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
43202 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
43203 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
43205 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
43206 praise of intelligence.
43207 -- Bertrand Russell
43209 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
43210 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
43211 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
43212 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
43214 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
43215 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
43216 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
43217 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
43218 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
43219 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
43220 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
43221 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
43222 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
43224 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
43226 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
43227 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
43229 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
43232 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
43233 large as it needs to be?
43235 So little time, so little to do.
43238 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
43239 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
43241 So many beautiful women and so little time.
43244 So many men and so little time.
43246 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
43247 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
43249 So many women, and so little time!
43251 So many women, so little nerve.
43253 So much food, and so little time!
43269 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
43292 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
43293 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
43294 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
43296 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
43297 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
43298 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
43299 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
43300 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
43301 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
43305 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
43306 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
43307 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
43309 So... so you think you can tell
43311 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
43312 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
43313 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
43314 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
43315 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
43317 A walk on part in a war
43318 For the lead role in a cage?
43319 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
43321 So this is it. We're going to die.
43323 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
43324 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
43326 So, you better watch out!
43327 You better not cry!
43328 You better not pout!
43329 I'm telling you why,
43330 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
43332 He knows when you've been sleeping,
43333 He know when you're awake.
43334 He knows if you've been bad or good,
43335 He has ties with the CIA.
43338 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
43339 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
43340 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
43342 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
43343 -- Dating in Minnesota
43345 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
43346 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
43347 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
43348 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
43349 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
43350 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
43351 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
43353 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
43354 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
43357 So you're back... about time...
43359 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
43360 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
43364 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
43367 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
43369 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
43371 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
43372 The government sells it.
43374 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
43376 The government shoots one cow,
43377 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
43379 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
43381 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
43384 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
43388 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
43390 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
43391 like a staff function."
43394 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
43395 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
43396 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
43397 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
43399 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
43400 Are practically zero,
43401 But those who wish to be civilians,
43402 They run into the millions.
43404 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
43407 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
43408 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
43411 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
43412 and some few to be chewed and digested.
43414 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
43416 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
43417 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
43419 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
43420 as when you find a trout in the milk.
43423 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
43425 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
43427 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
43429 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
43432 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
43436 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
43437 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
43438 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
43440 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
43442 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
43443 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
43446 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
43447 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
43449 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
43452 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
43453 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
43456 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
43457 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
43460 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
43463 Some men who fear that they are playing
43464 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
43466 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
43467 The answer is: I don't know.
43468 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
43470 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
43471 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
43472 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
43473 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
43474 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
43475 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
43476 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
43477 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
43479 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
43480 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
43481 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
43482 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
43483 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
43484 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
43485 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
43486 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
43487 he received, shame and wounds."
43489 Some of the things that live the longest
43490 in peoples' memories never really happened.
43492 Some of them want to use you,
43493 Some of them want to be used by you,
43494 ...Everybody's looking for something.
43497 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
43500 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
43501 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
43502 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
43503 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
43504 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
43505 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
43506 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
43507 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
43508 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
43509 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
43510 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
43512 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43514 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
43515 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
43517 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
43520 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
43521 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
43522 two-dimensional ones.
43523 -- F. Frederick Skitty
43525 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
43527 Some people cause happiness wherever
43528 they go; others, whenever they go.
43530 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
43531 but at least you only have to climb it once.
43533 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
43534 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
43536 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
43538 Some people have parts that are so private
43539 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
43541 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
43544 Some people live life in the fast lane.
43545 You're in oncoming traffic.
43547 Some people manage by the book, even though they
43548 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
43550 Some people need a good imaginary cure
43551 for their painful imaginary ailment.
43553 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
43555 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
43557 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
43558 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
43561 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
43562 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
43564 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
43565 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
43569 Some points to remember [about animals]:
43571 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
43573 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
43574 front of your clothes;
43575 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
43576 you have just kicked.
43577 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43579 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
43580 And tasted it, and found it good.
43581 And that is why your Cousin May
43582 Fell through the parlor floor today.
43585 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
43587 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
43589 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
43591 Some say the world will end in fire,
43593 From what I've tasted of desire
43594 I hold with those who favor fire.
43595 But if it had to perish twice
43596 I think I know enough of hate
43597 To say that for destruction, ice
43600 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
43602 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
43605 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
43607 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
43610 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
43611 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
43613 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
43614 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
43615 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
43616 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
43618 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
43619 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
43620 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
43621 That don't smell very nice --
43622 He's nobody's moggy now.
43624 Oh you who love your pussy,
43625 Be sure to keep him in.
43626 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
43627 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
43628 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
43629 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
43630 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
43631 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
43632 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
43633 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
43634 Just red and squashed and soggy --
43635 He's nobody's moggy now.
43636 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
43638 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
43639 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
43641 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
43642 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
43644 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
43645 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
43646 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
43649 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
43652 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
43654 Someday your prints will come.
43657 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
43658 when I was passing through satisfaction.
43659 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
43661 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
43663 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
43664 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
43665 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
43668 Someone is speaking well of you.
43671 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
43673 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
43675 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
43677 Something better...
43679 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
43680 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
43681 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
43682 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
43683 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
43684 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
43686 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
43688 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
43689 mind putting that thing away.
43690 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
43691 It's what's in it that matters.
43692 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
43694 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
43695 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
43697 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
43698 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
43700 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
43701 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43703 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
43706 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
43707 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
43710 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
43713 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
43714 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
43717 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
43718 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
43719 -- Richard M. Nixon
43721 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
43724 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
43725 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
43726 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
43727 Either light up or leave me alone.
43729 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
43730 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
43734 Sometimes I live in the country,
43735 And sometimes I live in town.
43736 And sometimes I have a great notion,
43737 To jump in the river and drown.
43739 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
43740 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
43742 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
43743 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
43744 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
43746 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
43749 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
43752 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
43754 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
43755 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
43756 me because I am beautiful.
43757 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
43759 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
43761 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
43762 Other times I can hardly see.
43763 Lately it occurs to me
43764 What a long strange trip it's been.
43765 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
43767 Sometimes, too long is too long.
43770 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
43771 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
43772 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
43773 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
43776 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
43777 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
43780 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
43784 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
43786 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
43788 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
43789 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
43792 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
43795 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
43796 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
43797 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
43798 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
43799 -- Sky Masterson's Father
43801 Song Title of the Week:
43802 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
43805 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
43806 paid may disregard this fortune).
43808 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
43812 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
43814 Sorry, no fortune this time.
43816 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
43817 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
43818 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
43819 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
43821 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
43824 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
43827 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
43828 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
43829 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
43830 -- Captain James T. Kirk
43833 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
43834 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43836 "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
43839 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
43840 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
43841 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
43844 Speak roughly to your little boy,
43845 And beat him when he sneezes:
43846 He only does it to annoy
43847 Because he knows it teases.
43851 I speak severely to my boy,
43852 And beat him when he sneezes:
43853 For he can thoroughly enjoy
43854 The pepper when he pleases!
43857 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
43859 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
43860 And boot it when it crashes;
43861 It knows that one cannot relax
43862 Because the paging thrashes!
43866 I speak severely to my VAX,
43867 And boot it when it crashes;
43868 In spite of all my favorite hacks
43869 My jobs it always thrashes!
43873 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
43875 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
43878 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
43879 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
43880 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
43881 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
43882 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
43883 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
43884 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
43885 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
43886 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
43887 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
43888 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
43889 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
43890 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
43891 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
43892 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
43893 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
43894 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
43895 syllable is thine!"
43896 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
43898 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
43899 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
43900 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
43901 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
43902 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
43903 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
43904 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
43905 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
43906 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
43908 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
43910 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
43911 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
43912 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
43913 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
43914 Helpless users with projects due
43915 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
43917 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
43918 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
43920 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
43921 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
43924 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
43925 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
43926 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
43927 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
43928 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
43929 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
43930 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
43931 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
43933 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
43934 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
43936 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
43937 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
43938 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
43939 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
43940 Faculty members especially welcome.
43942 "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
43944 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
43945 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
43946 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
43947 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
43949 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
43950 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
43951 number of times you have looked at it.
43953 Spelling is a lossed art.
43955 Spence's Admonition:
43956 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
43958 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
43964 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
43966 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
43968 Spock: The odds of surviving another
43969 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
43971 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
43974 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
43975 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
43977 Spring is here, spring is here,
43978 Life is skittles and life is beer.
43981 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
43982 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
43984 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
43986 St. Patrick was a gentleman
43987 who through strategy and stealth
43988 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
43989 Here's a toasting to his health --
43990 but not too many toastings
43991 lest you lose yourself and then
43992 forget the good St. Patrick
43993 and see all those snakes again.
43995 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
43997 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
43999 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
44000 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
44001 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
44002 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
44003 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
44004 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
44005 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
44006 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
44007 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
44008 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
44009 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
44010 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
44011 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
44012 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
44013 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
44014 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
44015 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
44016 All it said was: "Write two letters."
44018 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
44020 Stamp out philately.
44023 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
44025 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
44026 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
44027 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
44030 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
44032 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
44033 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
44035 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
44036 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
44037 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
44038 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
44041 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
44044 Start the day with a smile.
44045 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
44047 State license plates we'd like to see:
44049 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
44051 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
44055 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
44057 State license plates we'd like to see:
44061 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
44063 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
44065 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
44069 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
44071 State license plates we'd like to see:
44073 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
44074 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
44075 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
44077 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
44079 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
44081 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
44082 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
44083 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
44087 A system for expressing your political
44088 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
44090 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
44093 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
44095 Stay away from flying saucers today.
44097 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
44101 Stay together, drag each other down.
44103 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
44104 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
44105 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
44107 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
44108 Though we really did try to make it,
44109 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
44111 It used to be so easy living here with you,
44112 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
44113 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
44115 There'll be good times again for me and you,
44116 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
44117 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
44119 But it's too late baby...
44120 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
44121 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
44123 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
44124 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
44125 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
44126 its rate is a matter of discretion.
44127 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
44129 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
44131 Steckel's Rule to Success:
44132 Good enough is never good enough.
44134 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
44135 Everybody should believe in something --
44136 I believe I'll have another drink.
44138 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
44139 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
44142 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
44143 Embezzlement is another matter.
44146 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
44148 Step back, unbelievers!
44149 Or the rain will never come.
44150 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
44151 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
44152 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
44153 you folks are gonna see some rain!
44155 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
44156 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
44157 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
44158 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
44159 very little call for those up there.
44160 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
44162 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
44163 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
44165 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
44166 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
44168 Stock's Observation:
44169 You no sooner get your head above water
44170 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
44173 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
44175 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
44176 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
44177 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
44178 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
44179 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
44180 on the credulity of human nature.
44182 Stop me, before I kill again!
44184 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
44185 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
44187 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
44189 Strange things are done to be number one
44190 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
44191 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
44192 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
44193 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
44194 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
44195 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
44196 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
44197 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
44198 Would ship for Celtic gold.
44199 The movers came to crate the frame;
44200 It weighed a million ton!
44201 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
44202 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
44203 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
44204 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
44205 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
44206 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
44207 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
44208 Because they couldn't deliver.
44209 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
44212 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
44215 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
44216 after those creating it have left the organization.
44218 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
44220 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
44221 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
44222 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
44223 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
44224 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
44225 and have a nice day.
44227 Strive to the pass of high mountain
44228 Cross in the shallow side of the wide ocean
44229 Do not give up because of distance
44230 Will certainly reach if walks
44231 Do not discourage of human
44232 Shall overcome if you try
44233 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
44235 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
44236 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
44237 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
44238 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
44241 Our problems are mostly behind us.
44242 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
44245 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
44247 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
44249 Stupidity is its own reward.
44252 90% of everything is crud.
44254 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
44256 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
44257 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
44259 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
44260 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
44263 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
44264 way before it is understood.
44266 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
44267 the streets after them.
44270 Success is a journey, not a destination.
44272 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
44274 Success is in the minds of Fools.
44275 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
44277 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
44279 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
44281 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
44283 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
44284 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
44286 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
44288 Such a fine first dream!
44289 But they laughed at me; they said
44292 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
44293 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
44295 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
44296 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
44297 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
44299 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
44300 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
44302 Sudden Death Dating:
44305 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
44306 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
44308 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
44309 without his duck ...
44311 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
44312 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
44313 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
44314 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
44315 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
44317 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
44319 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
44321 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
44326 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
44327 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
44328 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
44331 The Network IS the Load Average.
44333 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
44335 To code the impossible code,
44336 To bring up a virgin machine,
44337 To pop out of endless recursion,
44338 To grok what appears on the screen,
44340 To right the unrightable bug,
44341 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
44342 To mount the unmountable magtape,
44343 To stop the unstoppable crash!
44346 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
44347 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
44348 progressively reducing solar elevation.
44350 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
44351 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
44354 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
44355 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
44356 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
44357 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
44359 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
44360 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
44362 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
44364 -- Overheard at a supervision.
44366 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
44368 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
44370 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
44372 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
44373 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
44375 Support the Girl Scouts!
44376 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
44378 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
44379 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
44380 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
44382 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
44384 Support your local church or synagogue.
44385 Worship at Bank of America.
44387 Support your local police force -- steal!!
44389 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
44391 Support your right to arm bears!!
44393 Support your right to bare arms!
44394 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
44396 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
44397 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
44398 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
44399 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
44400 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
44401 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
44402 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
44404 -- Christopher Evans
44406 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
44408 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
44409 But what if he forgets?
44411 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
44412 men in national government too.
44413 -- Richard M. Nixon
44415 "Surely you can't be serious."
44416 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
44418 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
44420 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
44421 Just type in your name and social security number.
44422 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
44428 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
44430 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
44433 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
44434 strapped on with electrical tape.
44437 The way of the tuna.
44439 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
44440 -- William Shakespeare
44443 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
44447 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
44450 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
44453 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
44455 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
44458 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
44459 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
44461 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
44462 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
44463 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
44465 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
44467 Swipple's Rule of Order:
44468 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
44470 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
44471 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
44474 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
44475 unusually pale and clear.
44476 Problem: Glass empty.
44477 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44479 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
44480 and the front of your shirt is wet.
44481 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
44482 wrong part of face.
44483 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
44484 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
44486 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44488 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
44489 Fault: The Bar is closing.
44490 Action Required: Panic.
44492 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
44493 You cannot see the bathroom light.
44494 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
44495 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
44496 treat yourself to a lie-in.
44498 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44500 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
44501 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
44502 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
44505 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
44506 Fault: Improper bladder control.
44507 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
44508 to the owner about its lack of house training and
44509 demand a beer as compensation.
44511 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44513 Symptom: Floor blurred.
44514 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
44515 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
44517 Symptom: Floor moving.
44518 Fault: You are being carried out.
44519 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
44520 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
44522 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44524 Symptom: Floor swaying.
44525 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
44527 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
44529 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
44530 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
44531 Fault: You have fallen forward.
44532 Action Required: See above.
44534 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
44535 flourescent light strips.
44536 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
44537 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
44538 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
44539 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
44541 -- Bar Troubleshooting
44543 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
44544 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44546 System checkpoint complete.
44548 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
44550 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
44552 System going down in 5 minutes.
44554 System restarting, wait...
44556 System/3! System/3!
44557 See how it runs! See how it runs!
44558 Its monitor loses so totally!
44559 It runs all its programs in RPG!
44560 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
44563 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
44564 Works equally poorly on all systems.
44566 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
44567 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
44568 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44570 Systems programmer:
44571 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
44572 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
44573 are to receive from your boss.
44575 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
44578 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
44579 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
44580 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
44581 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
44582 -- The Roguelet's ABC
44585 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
44587 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
44590 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
44593 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
44594 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
44596 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
44599 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
44601 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
44602 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
44604 Take an astronaut to launch.
44606 Take care of the luxuries and the
44607 necessities will take care of themselves.
44610 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
44611 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
44613 Take everything in stride.
44614 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
44616 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
44617 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
44619 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
44621 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
44623 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
44628 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
44629 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
44632 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
44633 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
44634 have given them to you.
44636 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
44639 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
44640 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
44641 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
44642 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
44644 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
44646 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
44647 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
44648 -- Booth Tarkington
44650 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
44651 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
44654 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
44656 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
44659 Talkers are no good doers.
44660 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44662 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
44665 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
44666 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
44668 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
44669 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
44670 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
44672 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
44673 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
44674 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
44675 It's hanging there on the shed.
44677 All together now...
44678 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44679 Tie me kangaroo down.
44680 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
44681 Tie me kangaroo down.
44683 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
44684 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
44687 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
44688 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
44689 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
44690 headed. You are a Communist.
44692 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
44693 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
44694 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
44695 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
44697 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
44698 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
44699 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
44700 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
44705 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
44706 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
44709 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
44712 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
44715 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
44718 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
44720 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era.
44721 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
44722 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
44724 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
44727 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
44728 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
44730 Teachers have class.
44733 Having someone to blame.
44735 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
44737 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
44738 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
44739 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
44740 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
44741 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
44742 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
44743 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
44744 being only an inference.
44745 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
44747 Teeth for meat is in mouth
44748 Teeth for human is in soul.
44749 Win one with your body strength
44750 Win many with your mind strength
44751 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
44753 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
44754 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
44755 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
44756 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
44757 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
44758 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
44759 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
44760 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
44761 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
44762 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
44763 a moment and then log off.
44765 Technological progress has merely provided us
44766 with more efficient means for going backwards.
44769 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
44770 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
44772 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
44773 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
44774 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
44775 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
44779 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
44780 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
44784 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
44785 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
44786 burden on the directory assistant.
44787 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
44789 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
44792 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
44795 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
44796 -- Alfred Hitchcock
44798 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
44802 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
44803 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
44805 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
44806 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
44809 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
44810 rather than each other.
44812 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
44813 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
44814 to touch to be sure.
44816 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
44817 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
44818 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
44819 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
44822 Tell me what to think!!!
44824 Tell me why the stars do shine,
44825 Tell me why the ivy twines,
44826 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
44827 And I will tell you just why I love you.
44829 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
44830 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
44831 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
44832 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
44834 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
44835 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
44838 Tempt me with a spoon!
44840 Tempt not a desperate man.
44841 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
44843 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
44844 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
44845 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
44846 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
44847 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
44848 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
44849 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
44850 and handed the others to Dutsky.
44851 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
44853 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
44856 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
44857 way of telling you to stop writing.
44860 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
44861 You eat your victuals fast enough;
44862 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
44863 To see the rate you drink your beer.
44864 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
44865 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
44866 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
44867 It sleeps well the horned head:
44868 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
44869 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
44870 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
44871 Your friends to death before their time.
44872 Moping, melancholy mad:
44873 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
44876 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
44877 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
44880 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
44881 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
44882 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
44883 to risk offending God's grandmother.
44884 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
44886 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
44887 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
44888 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
44889 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
44890 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
44891 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
44892 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
44893 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
44894 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
44895 contemptuously rejected it.
44896 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
44897 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
44901 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
44902 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
44903 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
44904 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
44905 the solution will turn blue-green.
44907 Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
44908 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44910 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
44915 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
44916 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
44917 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
44920 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
44921 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
44922 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
44923 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
44924 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
44925 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
44926 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
44927 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
44928 called you from here."
44930 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
44933 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
44935 "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
44936 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
44937 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
44939 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
44942 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
44943 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
44945 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
44947 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
44948 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
44950 "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
44953 That does not compute.
44955 That feeling just came over me.
44956 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
44958 That government is best which governs least.
44959 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
44961 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
44962 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
44963 in the same way as us.
44964 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44972 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
44975 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
44977 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
44978 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
44979 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
44982 That, that is not, is not.
44983 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
44984 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
44986 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
44987 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
44988 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
44989 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
44990 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
44991 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
44992 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
44994 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
44996 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
44999 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
45000 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
45001 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
45004 That's always the way when you discover
45005 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
45011 How much does it cost?
45013 I only have a dollar.
45016 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
45017 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
45018 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
45019 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
45020 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
45022 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
45023 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
45024 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
45029 That's odd. That's very odd.
45030 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
45032 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
45035 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
45036 -- Woody Allen, on sex
45038 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
45039 really hate is lousy programmers.
45040 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
45042 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
45043 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
45046 That's what she said.
45048 That's where the money was.
45049 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
45051 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
45054 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
45055 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
45056 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
45057 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
45060 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
45063 The 357.73 Theory --
45064 Auditors always reject expense accounts
45065 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
45067 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
45069 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
45070 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
45071 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
45073 The Abrams' Principle:
45074 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
45076 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
45079 The absent ones are always at fault.
45081 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
45084 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
45085 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
45087 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
45090 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
45091 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
45092 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
45093 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
45094 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
45095 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
45097 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
45098 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
45099 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
45101 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
45102 -- Thomas Jefferson
45104 The Advertising Agency Song:
45106 When your client's hopping mad,
45107 Put his picture in the ad.
45108 If he still should prove refractory,
45109 Add a picture of his factory.
45111 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
45112 he is already degraded.
45115 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
45116 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
45119 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
45120 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
45122 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
45123 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
45126 "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
45128 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
45130 The all-softening overpowering knell,
45131 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
45134 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
45135 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
45136 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
45138 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
45139 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
45143 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
45144 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
45145 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
45147 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
45148 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
45149 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
45152 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
45153 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
45155 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
45158 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
45159 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
45160 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
45162 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
45163 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
45164 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
45165 even better, nobody has to play it.
45166 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45168 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
45169 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
45171 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
45173 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
45176 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
45177 with which you can threaten your enemies.
45180 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
45181 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
45182 --Salvador De Madariaga
45184 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
45185 -- Albertano of Brescia
45187 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
45188 doctors nor lawyers.
45191 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
45192 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
45193 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
45194 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
45195 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
45196 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
45197 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
45198 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
45199 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
45200 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
45201 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
45202 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
45203 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
45204 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
45205 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
45206 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
45207 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
45208 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
45209 And dare not stray to ideas new,
45210 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
45211 And for a living what woulds't we do?
45213 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
45214 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
45215 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
45216 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
45217 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
45218 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
45219 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
45220 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
45221 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
45222 fire-fighting aircraft.
45224 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
45226 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
45228 Four day work week,
45229 Two ply toilet paper!
45231 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
45232 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
45233 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
45235 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
45236 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
45237 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
45238 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
45239 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
45240 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
45241 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
45244 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
45245 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
45246 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
45247 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
45248 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
45250 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
45251 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
45252 and color, but also on ability.
45255 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
45258 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
45259 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
45260 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
45263 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
45264 Jupiter can have no satellites:
45266 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
45267 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
45268 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
45269 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
45270 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
45271 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
45272 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
45273 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
45274 and therefore do not exist.
45276 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
45278 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
45279 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
45280 -- Ladies' Home Journal
45282 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
45283 the morning feeling just terrible.
45286 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
45288 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
45289 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
45291 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
45293 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
45294 one graveyard to another.
45295 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
45297 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
45298 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
45299 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
45303 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
45304 average man can see better than he can think.
45306 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
45307 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
45308 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
45310 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
45311 carries any reward.
45312 -- John Maynard Keynes
45314 "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
45315 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
45317 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
45319 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
45320 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
45321 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
45322 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
45323 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
45325 The bank sent our statement this morning,
45326 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
45327 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
45328 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
45330 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
45331 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
45332 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
45333 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
45334 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
45335 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
45336 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
45337 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
45338 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
45339 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
45340 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
45341 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
45343 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
45345 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
45346 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
45347 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
45348 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
45349 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
45350 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
45351 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
45352 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
45353 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
45354 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
45355 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
45356 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
45357 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
45359 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
45360 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
45361 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
45362 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
45363 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
45364 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
45367 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
45369 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
45370 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
45372 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
45373 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
45376 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
45379 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
45380 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
45382 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
45383 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
45384 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
45385 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
45386 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
45387 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
45389 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
45391 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
45394 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
45396 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
45400 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
45403 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
45404 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
45405 by judging things by their price.
45407 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
45408 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
45409 them while they do it.
45410 -- Theodore Roosevelt
45412 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
45414 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
45417 The best man for the job is often a woman.
45419 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
45421 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
45423 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
45424 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
45427 The best prophet of the future is the past.
45429 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
45430 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
45432 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
45433 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
45434 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
45435 being read by a corpse.
45437 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
45438 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
45439 drifting side by side to our common doom.
45442 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
45443 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
45445 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
45447 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
45449 The best things in life are for a fee.
45451 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
45453 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
45455 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
45457 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
45459 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
45461 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
45465 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
45466 smoke is a right worth dying for.
45468 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
45469 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
45470 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
45471 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
45472 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
45473 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
45474 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
45476 The best you get is an even break.
45479 The better part of valor is discretion.
45480 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
45482 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
45483 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
45486 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
45487 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
45488 It's just that they need more supervision.
45490 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
45491 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
45494 The Bible on letters of reference:
45496 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
45497 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
45498 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
45499 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
45500 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
45502 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
45505 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
45506 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
45507 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
45508 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
45511 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
45512 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
45513 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
45514 hungry all the time?
45516 The bigger the theory the better.
45518 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
45520 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
45523 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
45524 working for someone else.
45526 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
45529 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
45530 and the bird is on the wing.
45533 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
45534 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
45535 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
45536 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
45537 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
45538 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
45539 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
45540 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
45542 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
45544 The bogosity meter just pegged.
45546 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
45547 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
45549 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
45550 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
45552 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
45553 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
45554 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
45555 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
45556 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
45557 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
45558 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
45559 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45561 The boy stood on the burning deck,
45562 Eating peanuts by the peck.
45563 His father called him, but he could not go,
45564 For he loved those peanuts so.
45566 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
45567 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
45569 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
45570 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
45571 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
45572 one, and convert to the next higher units.
45574 The British are coming! The British are coming!
45576 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
45577 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
45578 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45580 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
45581 and humiliating reality.
45584 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
45585 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
45586 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
45587 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
45588 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
45590 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
45591 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
45592 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
45595 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
45596 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
45599 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
45600 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
45601 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
45602 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
45605 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
45606 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
45607 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
45608 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
45610 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
45611 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
45612 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
45613 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
45614 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
45616 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
45619 "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
45620 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
45622 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
45623 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
45626 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
45627 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
45628 time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
45629 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
45631 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45633 The camel has a single hump;
45635 Or else the other way around.
45636 I'm never sure. Are you?
45639 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
45640 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
45641 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
45642 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
45645 The carbonyl is polarized,
45646 The delta end is plus.
45647 The nucleophile will thus attack,
45648 The carbon nucleus.
45649 Addition makes an alcohol,
45650 Of types there are but three.
45651 It makes a bond, to correspond,
45652 From C to shining C.
45653 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
45655 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
45656 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
45658 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
45660 "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
45663 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
45667 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
45668 at the steam fitters picnic.
45670 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
45673 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
45676 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
45679 The church is near but the road is icy,
45680 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
45683 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
45686 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
45687 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
45688 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
45690 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
45692 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
45695 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
45696 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
45697 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
45698 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
45699 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
45700 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
45701 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
45703 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
45705 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
45706 is when he fills out a job application form.
45707 -- Stanley J. Randall
45709 The clothes have no emperor.
45710 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
45712 The coast was clear.
45715 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
45716 intellectual nakedness.
45717 -- Robert M. Hutchins
45719 The Commandments of the EE:
45721 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
45722 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
45723 embarrassing manner.
45724 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
45725 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
45726 earthly vale of tears.
45727 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
45728 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
45729 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
45731 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
45732 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
45735 The Commandments of the EE:
45737 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
45738 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
45739 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
45740 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
45741 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
45742 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
45743 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
45744 the fury of the engineers on his head.
45745 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
45746 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
45747 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
45748 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
45749 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
45750 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
45751 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
45753 The Commandments of the EE:
45755 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
45756 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
45757 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
45758 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
45759 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
45760 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
45761 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
45762 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
45763 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
45764 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
45765 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
45766 innocent-seeming device.
45768 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
45770 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
45772 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
45773 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
45774 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
45778 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
45779 central power station is to the electrical industry.
45782 "The Computer made me do it."
45784 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
45787 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
45788 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
45790 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
45792 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
45794 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
45795 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
45796 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
45798 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
45800 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
45801 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
45802 every bird watcher in the country.
45803 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
45805 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
45806 than what we've got!
45808 The Consultant's Curse:
45809 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
45810 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
45811 medicine, and is normally only required once.
45813 The control of the production of wealth
45814 is the control of human life itself.
45817 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
45818 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
45819 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
45820 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
45822 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
45824 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
45826 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
45829 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
45831 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
45833 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
45834 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
45835 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
45836 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
45838 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
45840 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
45843 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
45844 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
45845 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
45846 cermoniously handed it to the defendant.
45847 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
45850 The covers of this book are too far apart.
45851 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
45853 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
45856 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
45858 -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
45860 The Crown is full of it!
45861 -- Nate Harris, 1775
45863 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
45864 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
45865 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
45866 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
45867 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
45868 of all our rights and privileges.
45869 -- William Ellery Channing
45872 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
45873 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
45876 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
45879 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
45880 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
45882 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
45883 Every class is unfit to govern.
45886 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
45887 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
45888 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
45889 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
45890 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
45891 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
45892 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
45893 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
45894 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
45896 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
45897 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
45898 -- Henry David Thoreau
45900 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
45902 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
45903 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
45904 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
45905 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
45906 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
45907 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
45908 -- Thomas Jefferson
45910 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
45912 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
45915 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
45916 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
45917 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
45919 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
45921 "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
45922 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
45923 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
45924 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
45926 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
45928 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
45929 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
45931 The degree of civilization in a society
45932 can be judged by entering its prisons.
45935 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
45936 proportional to the level of management.
45938 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
45939 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
45940 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
45942 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
45943 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
45944 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
45945 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
45946 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
45947 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
45949 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
45950 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
45951 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
45953 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
45954 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
45955 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
45956 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
45957 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
45958 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
45959 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
45960 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
45962 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
45965 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
45966 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
45968 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
45970 The devil finds work for idle glands.
45973 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
45975 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
45977 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
45979 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
45980 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
45983 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
45984 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
45985 it would be a calamity.
45986 -- Benjamin Disraeli
45988 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
45989 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
45991 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
45992 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
45993 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
45995 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
45996 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
45997 is thinking that they're conspiring.
46000 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
46001 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
46003 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
46005 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
46006 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
46008 The difference between reality and unreality
46009 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
46012 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
46013 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
46016 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
46017 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
46018 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
46019 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
46020 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
46022 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
46023 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
46024 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
46026 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
46028 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
46029 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
46032 The difference between this place and yogurt
46033 is that yogurt has a live culture.
46035 The difference between us is not very far,
46036 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
46038 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
46041 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
46043 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
46044 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
46045 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
46048 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
46050 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
46052 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
46053 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
46056 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
46057 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
46059 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
46060 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
46061 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
46062 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
46063 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
46064 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
46065 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
46066 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
46067 Jews won't go near them ..."
46068 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
46070 The distinction between true and false appears to become
46071 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
46074 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
46075 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
46077 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
46078 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
46079 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
46082 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
46083 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
46084 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
46086 The door is the key.
46088 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
46089 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
46090 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
46091 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
46093 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
46094 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
46096 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
46100 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
46102 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
46104 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
46105 and owns the worm farm.
46108 The early worm gets the bird.
46110 The early worm gets the late bird.
46112 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
46114 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
46117 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
46118 teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
46120 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
46121 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
46122 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
46123 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
46124 valuable posession to him."
46126 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
46127 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
46128 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
46129 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
46130 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
46131 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
46132 would tire of the spectacle eventually."
46135 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
46136 weather forecasters.
46137 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
46139 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
46140 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
46143 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
46145 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
46146 Compute' -- I forget which."
46147 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
46149 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
46150 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
46151 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
46152 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
46153 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
46154 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
46155 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
46156 over the post of robotics correspondent.
46157 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
46158 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
46159 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
46160 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
46161 wall when the revolution came'.
46163 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
46164 -- Buckminster Fuller
46166 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
46168 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
46170 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46172 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
46173 symposium to follow.
46175 The ends justify the means.
46176 -- after Matthew Prior
46178 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
46179 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
46180 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
46181 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
46184 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
46185 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
46186 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
46188 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
46189 their children to speak it.
46190 -- George Bernard Shaw
46192 The English instinctively admire any man
46193 who has no talent and is modest about it.
46194 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
46196 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
46197 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
46198 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
46199 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
46200 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
46201 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
46202 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
46203 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
46205 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
46206 "What kind of family do you come from?"
46207 "A rich, Jewish family."
46209 "A German aristocrat."
46210 "Have you ever been to the West?"
46211 "I spent most of my life in England."
46212 "How did you make a living there?"
46213 "A friend supported me."
46214 "Where did you get the money from?"
46215 "He owned a textile factory."
46217 "Never heard of him."
46218 "What is your name?"
46221 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
46222 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
46223 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
46224 presidential aspirant.
46226 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
46227 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
46228 a substitute for intelligence.
46231 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
46234 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
46237 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
46238 is the most likely to be correct.
46239 -- William of Occam
46241 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
46242 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
46243 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
46244 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
46245 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
46246 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
46247 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
46248 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
46249 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
46252 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
46254 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46255 All the livelong day;
46256 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
46257 You cannot get away;
46258 Do not think you can escape them
46259 From night 'til early in the morn;
46260 The eyes of Texas are upon you
46261 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
46262 -- University of Texas' school song
46264 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
46265 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
46266 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
46267 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
46269 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
46270 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
46273 The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics
46274 in general as no other can.
46277 The fact that it works is immaterial.
46280 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
46281 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
46285 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
46287 The farther you go, the less you know.
46288 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
46290 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
46291 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
46293 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
46294 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
46295 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
46296 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
46297 so long as they are Tories.
46298 -- Christopher Booker
46300 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
46303 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
46304 -- The Grateful Dead
46306 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
46307 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
46309 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
46310 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
46311 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
46312 of their own homes.
46313 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
46318 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
46319 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
46320 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46322 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
46323 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
46324 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
46325 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
46327 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
46328 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
46330 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
46331 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
46332 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
46333 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
46334 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
46335 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
46336 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
46337 for them to despise science fiction.
46338 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
46340 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
46341 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
46342 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
46343 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
46344 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
46345 center at Notre Dame."
46346 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
46349 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
46350 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
46351 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
46352 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
46353 and become lesbians."
46355 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
46356 (1) write down the problem.
46357 (2) think very hard.
46358 (3) write down the answer.
46359 -- Murray Gell-Mann
46362 You have taken yourself too seriously.
46364 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
46365 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
46367 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
46369 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
46371 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
46372 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
46374 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
46376 -- John Quincy Adams
46378 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
46379 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
46380 to man are contained in it.
46383 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
46384 life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
46385 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
46388 The First Commandment for Technicians:
46389 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
46390 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
46391 untechnician-like manner.
46393 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
46396 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
46397 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
46398 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
46399 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
46400 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
46401 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
46402 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
46403 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
46404 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
46405 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
46406 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
46407 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
46408 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
46409 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
46410 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
46411 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
46412 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
46413 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
46414 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
46415 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
46417 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
46418 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
46420 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
46421 and the second half by our children.
46424 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
46425 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
46427 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
46428 management is that success equals skill.
46431 The first requisite for immortality is death.
46434 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
46435 child, was propounded to me by my father:
46436 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
46438 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
46440 "A herring," said my father.
46441 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
46442 "So hang it there."
46443 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
46445 "But a herring isn't wet."
46446 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
46447 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
46449 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
46451 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
46453 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
46456 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
46459 "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
46460 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
46461 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
46463 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
46466 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
46470 The first thing I do in the morning
46471 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
46474 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
46475 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
46477 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
46478 The second, a trick.
46479 Later, it's a well-established technique!
46480 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
46482 The first version always gets thrown away.
46484 The five rules of Socialism:
46487 2. If you do think, don't speak.
46488 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
46489 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
46490 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
46492 -- being told in Poland, 1987
46494 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
46496 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
46497 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
46499 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
46502 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
46503 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
46505 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
46506 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
46507 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
46508 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
46510 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
46511 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
46512 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
46515 The following statement is not true.
46516 The previous statement is true.
46518 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
46520 1. You can't push on a string.
46521 2. Ain't no free lunches.
46522 3. Them as has, gets.
46523 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
46525 The Force is what holds everything together.
46526 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
46527 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
46529 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
46530 completely surrounded by people who want some.
46531 -- Dwight MacDonald
46533 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
46534 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
46535 rests on mutual help.
46538 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
46539 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
46541 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
46542 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
46544 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
46545 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
46547 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
46548 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
46550 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
46551 if the character does not have fire resistance.
46552 -- README file from the NetHack game
46554 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
46558 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
46559 -- Somerset Maugham
46561 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
46562 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
46564 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
46565 of both parties tactfully interferes.
46566 -- G. K. Chesterton
46568 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
46569 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
46570 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
46572 The future is a myth created by insurance
46573 salesmen and high school counselors.
46575 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
46578 The future is going to be boring.
46581 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
46583 The future lies ahead.
46585 The future not being born, my friend,
46586 we will abstain from baptizing it.
46589 The garden is in mourning;
46590 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
46591 Summer shivers quietly
46592 On its way towards its end.
46594 Golden leaf after leaf
46595 Falls from the tall acacia.
46596 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
46597 In this dying dream of a garden.
46599 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
46600 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
46602 Close her weary eyes.
46603 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
46605 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
46607 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
46608 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
46609 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
46612 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
46614 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
46616 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
46619 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
46620 remember her first husband.
46622 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
46624 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
46627 The glances over cocktails
46628 That seemed to be so sweet
46629 Don't seem quite so amorous
46630 Over Shredded Wheat
46632 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
46633 least until we've finished building it.
46635 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
46636 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
46638 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
46639 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
46641 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
46645 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
46646 He who has the gold makes the rules.
46648 "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
46649 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
46650 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
46651 man in the bonds of Hell."
46654 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
46658 The good (I am convinced, for one)
46659 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
46660 Once your reputation's done
46661 You can live a life of fun.
46664 The good life was so elusive
46665 It really got me down
46666 I had to regain some confidence
46667 So I got into camaflouge
46669 The good time is approaching,
46670 The season is at hand.
46671 When the merry click of the two-base lick
46672 Will be heard throughout the land.
46673 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
46674 Budless are the trees.
46675 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
46676 Is borne upon the breeze.
46677 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
46680 If a string has one end, it has another.
46682 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
46683 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
46684 and they can't fire it.
46686 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
46687 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
46688 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
46689 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
46690 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
46691 down anything he damn well pleases.
46692 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
46694 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
46695 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
46696 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
46698 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
46700 -- George Washington
46702 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
46703 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
46704 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
46705 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
46706 "Send Lord Combermere."
46707 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
46708 Combermere a fool."
46709 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
46710 -- G. W. E. Russell
46712 The goys have proven the following theorem...
46713 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
46716 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
46717 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
46718 -- Benjamin Franklin.
46720 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
46722 The grave's a fine and private place,
46723 but none, I think, do there embrace.
46726 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
46727 -- Charles de Gaulle
46729 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
46730 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
46731 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
46732 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
46733 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
46735 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
46737 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
46738 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
46740 The Great Movie Posters:
46742 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
46743 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
46744 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
46746 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
46747 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
46748 -- The Wild Party (1929)
46750 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
46751 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
46752 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
46753 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
46754 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
46756 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
46757 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
46758 -- The Night is Young (1934)
46760 The Great Movie Posters:
46762 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
46764 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
46766 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
46767 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
46769 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
46771 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
46773 The family that slays together stays together.
46774 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
46776 The Great Movie Posters:
46778 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
46781 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
46782 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
46783 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
46785 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
46788 It's not human and it's got an axe.
46791 The Great Movie Posters:
46793 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
46794 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
46795 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
46796 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
46798 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
46799 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
46801 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
46802 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
46803 Alone, only a harmless pet...
46804 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
46805 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
46807 They're Over-Exposed
46808 But Not Under-Developed!
46809 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
46811 The Great Movie Posters:
46813 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
46814 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
46816 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
46817 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
46818 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
46820 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
46821 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
46822 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
46824 The Great Movie Posters:
46826 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
46827 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
46829 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
46831 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
46833 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
46834 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
46836 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
46837 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
46839 The Great Movie Posters:
46841 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
46842 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
46843 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
46846 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
46847 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
46850 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
46851 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
46852 she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
46853 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
46854 was a girl in love!
46855 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
46856 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
46858 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
46859 -- Intermezzo (1939)
46861 The Great Movie Posters:
46863 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
46864 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
46866 She Sins in Mobile --
46867 Marries in Houston --
46868 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
46869 Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
46870 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
46873 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
46874 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
46876 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
46877 A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
46878 1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
46879 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
46880 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
46881 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
46883 The Great Movie Posters:
46885 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
46886 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
46887 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
46888 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
46889 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
46890 SEE the burning of a virgin!
46891 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
46892 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
46895 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
46896 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
46898 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
46899 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
46900 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
46901 give you the wim-wams!
46902 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
46904 The Great Movie Posters:
46906 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
46907 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
46908 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
46909 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
46911 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
46912 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
46914 It's always better when you come again!
46915 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
46917 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
46920 The Great Movie Posters:
46922 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
46923 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
46924 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
46926 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
46928 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
46931 TOMORROW the World!
46934 The Great Movie Posters:
46936 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
46937 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
46944 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
46945 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
46946 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
46947 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
46948 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
46949 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
46950 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
46951 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
46952 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
46953 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
46955 The Great Movie Posters:
46957 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
46958 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
46960 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
46961 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
46962 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
46963 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
46964 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
46965 -- Robot Monster (1953)
46967 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
46969 -- The Egyptian (1954)
46971 The Great Movie Posters:
46973 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
46974 horror on a screaming world!
46975 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
46977 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
46979 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
46981 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
46982 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
46983 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
46984 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
46986 The Great Movie Posters:
46988 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
46989 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
46990 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
46992 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
46993 -- The French Line (1954)
46995 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
46996 -- Hot Blood (1956)
46998 The Great Movie Posters:
47000 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
47002 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
47004 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
47005 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
47007 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
47008 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
47009 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
47011 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
47015 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
47016 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
47017 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
47020 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
47021 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
47022 answered themselves.
47025 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
47026 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
47027 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
47029 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
47030 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
47032 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
47035 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
47036 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
47037 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
47038 their wives and daughters to his arms.
47039 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
47041 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
47044 The Greatest Mathematical Error
47045 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
47046 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
47047 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
47048 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
47049 corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
47050 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
47051 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
47052 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
47053 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
47054 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
47056 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
47057 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47059 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
47061 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
47064 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
47066 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
47067 it delivers its message and then disappears.
47069 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
47070 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
47071 would have been useful to the chicken.
47073 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
47075 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
47078 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
47081 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
47082 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
47084 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
47087 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
47088 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
47090 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
47091 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
47092 author's name on the title page.
47093 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
47095 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
47096 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
47098 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
47099 of functions performed by private citizens.
47100 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
47102 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
47103 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
47105 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
47108 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
47110 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
47112 The heaviest object in the world is the
47113 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
47114 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
47116 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
47117 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
47119 The help people need most urgently is
47120 help in admitting that they need help.
47122 The herd instinct among economists
47123 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
47125 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
47126 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
47127 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
47128 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
47129 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
47130 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
47132 -- Benjamin Cardozo
47134 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
47135 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
47136 least 5000 years old."
47138 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
47139 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
47141 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
47142 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
47143 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
47144 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
47145 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
47147 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
47149 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
47150 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
47153 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
47155 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
47157 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
47158 pretext that your brother did it.
47160 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
47163 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
47164 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
47167 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
47168 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
47171 The horror... the horror!
47173 The human animal differs from the lesser
47174 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
47177 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
47178 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
47179 -- Sir George Jessel
47181 "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
47182 has gills through which it can see."
47185 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
47186 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
47188 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
47189 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
47192 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
47193 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
47194 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
47195 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
47196 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
47197 certain degree of awe.
47198 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
47200 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
47203 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
47204 procession but carrying a banner.
47207 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
47210 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
47211 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
47214 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
47215 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
47218 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
47219 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
47221 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
47224 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
47225 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
47226 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
47229 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
47230 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
47231 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
47232 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
47233 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
47234 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
47235 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
47236 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
47237 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
47238 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
47240 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
47241 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
47244 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
47245 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
47246 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
47247 -- John Maynard Keyes
47249 "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
47252 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
47254 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
47257 "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
47261 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
47262 A program is a lot like a nose:
47263 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
47265 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
47267 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
47269 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
47270 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
47271 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
47274 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
47275 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
47276 important thing to people.
47277 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
47279 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
47280 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
47281 -- Bertrand Russell
47283 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
47284 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
47287 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
47288 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
47289 pointer and a mark.
47290 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
47292 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
47293 number of participants.
47296 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
47297 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
47298 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
47299 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into
47300 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
47301 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
47302 overturning everything.
47303 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
47305 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
47306 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
47308 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
47309 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
47310 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
47311 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
47313 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
47314 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
47315 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
47316 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
47318 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
47319 treat the Arabs like postmen.
47322 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
47323 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
47324 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
47325 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
47326 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
47329 "The jig's up, Elman."
47333 The Junior God now heads the roll
47334 In the list of heaven's peers;
47335 He sits in the House of High Control,
47336 And he regulates the spheres.
47337 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
47338 If, even in gods divine,
47339 The best and wisest may not be those
47340 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
47343 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
47344 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
47345 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
47346 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
47347 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
47348 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
47349 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
47350 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
47351 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
47352 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
47353 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
47354 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
47355 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
47356 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
47357 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
47358 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
47360 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
47361 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
47364 The Kennedy Constant:
47365 Don't get mad -- get even.
47367 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
47370 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
47371 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
47372 advantage to see the truth.
47373 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
47375 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
47377 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
47378 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
47380 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
47382 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
47383 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
47385 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
47386 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
47389 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
47390 K: "But what about the
47391 ^#!!$% battle plan?"
47392 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
47394 The knowledge that makes us cherish
47395 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
47398 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
47399 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
47400 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
47401 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
47402 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
47403 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
47404 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
47405 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
47406 And now, just look at me."
47408 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
47409 Would shudder at a wicked word.
47410 Their candle gives a single light;
47411 They'd rather stay at home at night.
47412 They do not keep awake till three,
47413 Nor read erotic poetry.
47414 They never sanction the impure,
47415 Nor recognize an overture.
47416 They shrink from powders and from paints...
47417 So far, I've had no complaints.
47420 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
47421 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
47422 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
47424 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
47427 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
47428 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
47430 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
47432 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
47435 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
47439 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
47440 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
47443 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
47446 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
47447 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
47450 The Law of the Letter:
47451 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
47453 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
47454 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
47456 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
47458 -- Henry David Thoreau
47460 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
47461 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
47462 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
47466 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
47467 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
47468 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
47469 give a public reading of his latest poem.
47470 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
47471 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
47472 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
47473 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
47474 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
47475 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
47477 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
47478 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
47479 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
47480 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
47481 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
47482 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
47483 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
47484 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
47485 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
47487 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47489 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
47490 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
47491 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
47492 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
47493 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
47494 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
47495 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
47496 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
47497 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47499 The Least Successful Collector
47500 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
47501 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
47502 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
47503 works of Shakespeare.
47504 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
47505 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
47506 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
47507 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
47508 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
47509 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
47510 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47512 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
47513 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
47514 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
47515 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
47517 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
47518 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
47519 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
47520 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
47521 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
47522 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
47524 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47526 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
47527 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
47528 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
47529 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
47530 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
47532 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47534 The Least Successful Executions
47535 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
47536 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
47537 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
47538 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
47539 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
47540 punishment, he was reprieved.
47541 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
47542 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
47543 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
47544 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
47545 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
47546 to America and lived until 1933.
47547 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47549 The Least Successful Police Dogs
47550 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
47551 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
47552 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
47553 offend the criminal classes.
47554 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
47555 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
47556 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
47557 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
47558 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
47560 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
47561 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
47562 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
47563 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
47564 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47566 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
47569 The less time planning, the more time programming.
47571 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
47573 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
47574 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
47575 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
47576 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
47577 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
47578 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
47579 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
47580 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
47582 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
47584 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
47585 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
47586 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
47589 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
47591 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
47592 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
47593 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
47594 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
47595 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
47596 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
47598 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
47600 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
47601 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
47602 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
47603 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
47604 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
47606 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
47607 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
47608 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
47609 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
47611 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
47612 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
47614 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
47617 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
47618 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
47619 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
47622 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
47624 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
47625 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
47626 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
47627 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
47628 it travels across the screen.
47630 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
47632 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
47633 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
47634 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
47635 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
47637 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
47639 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
47640 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
47641 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
47642 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
47643 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
47645 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
47647 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
47648 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
47649 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
47650 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
47651 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
47652 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
47653 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
47654 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
47655 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
47656 who end up using this language.
47658 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
47660 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
47661 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
47662 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
47663 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
47664 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
47665 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
47666 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
47667 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
47668 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
47670 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
47673 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
47676 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
47679 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
47681 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
47683 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
47685 The lion and the calf shall lie down
47686 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
47689 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
47690 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
47693 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
47694 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
47696 The little town that time forgot,
47697 Where all the women are strong,
47698 The men are good-looking,
47699 And the children above-average.
47700 -- Prairie Home Companion
47702 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
47703 door with a basket of kittens.
47704 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
47705 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
47706 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
47707 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
47708 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
47709 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
47710 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
47711 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
47713 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
47714 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
47715 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
47718 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
47721 The longer the title, the less important the job.
47723 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
47724 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
47726 "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
47727 we could with both of them."
47728 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
47730 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
47731 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
47733 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
47737 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
47738 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47740 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
47741 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
47742 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
47743 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
47744 steel through your last meal!'
47745 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
47747 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
47749 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
47750 Are of imagination all compact...
47751 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
47753 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
47755 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
47756 -- Benjamin Disraeli
47758 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
47761 The major advances in civilization are processes
47762 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
47765 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
47766 bonds will eventually mature.
47768 The major sin is the sin of being born.
47771 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
47775 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
47776 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
47780 The makers may make,
47781 And the users may use,
47782 But the fixers must fix
47783 With but minimal clues.
47785 The man she had was kind and clean
47786 And well enough for every day,
47787 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
47788 The one that got away.
47789 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
47791 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
47792 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
47793 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
47795 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
47796 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
47797 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
47798 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
47799 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
47800 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
47801 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
47802 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
47803 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
47804 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
47805 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
47806 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47808 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
47809 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
47811 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
47813 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
47816 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
47819 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
47820 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
47822 The man who runs may fight again.
47825 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
47826 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
47827 -- Old Japanese proverb
47829 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
47830 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
47833 The man who understands one woman is
47834 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
47837 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
47838 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
47841 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
47842 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
47845 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
47848 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
47850 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
47851 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
47852 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
47854 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
47855 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
47858 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
47859 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
47860 master calls a butterfly.
47861 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
47863 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
47864 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
47865 are one, and that one is marxism.
47867 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
47869 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
47871 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
47872 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
47873 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
47875 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
47878 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
47880 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
47881 always end up on their ends without any means.
47884 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
47885 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
47887 The meek don't want it.
47889 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
47891 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
47893 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
47894 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
47896 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
47899 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
47901 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
47903 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
47904 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
47906 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
47908 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
47909 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
47912 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
47913 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
47915 -- Winston Churchill
47917 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
47918 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
47919 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
47920 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
47922 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
47923 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
47926 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
47928 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
47929 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
47930 being who produces the impressions.
47931 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
47933 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
47934 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
47935 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
47936 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
47937 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
47938 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
47940 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
47943 The Modelski Chain Rule:
47944 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
47945 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
47947 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
47948 bright-looking individual.
47949 3: Procure a large chain.
47950 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
47951 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
47952 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
47953 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
47955 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
47956 -- Laurence J. Peter
47958 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
47959 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
47961 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
47963 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
47964 -- Nicol Williamson
47966 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
47968 The moon is made of green cheese.
47971 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
47973 The Moral Majority is neither.
47975 The more complex the mind, the greater
47976 the need for the simplicity of play.
47977 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
47979 The more control, the more that requires control.
47981 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
47982 the odds that the competition already has the order.
47984 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
47986 "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
47987 lower the mailing cost."
47988 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
47990 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
47992 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
47993 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
47995 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
47996 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
47998 The more laws and order are made prominent,
47999 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
48002 The more the merrier.
48005 The more they over-think the plumbing
48006 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
48008 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
48011 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
48013 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
48015 The more we disagree, the more chance
48016 there is that at least one of us is right.
48018 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
48020 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
48022 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
48023 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
48024 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
48026 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
48028 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
48031 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
48033 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
48034 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
48035 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
48036 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
48037 have the good fortune to find one.
48040 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
48041 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
48042 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
48045 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
48046 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
48049 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
48050 -- American proverb
48052 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
48055 b) The American Nazi Party
48056 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
48058 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
48059 the country is the one on which you resell it.
48062 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
48063 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
48065 "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
48066 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
48067 -- Theodore H. White
48069 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
48071 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
48072 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
48073 -- Alfred De Musset
48075 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
48076 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
48079 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
48080 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
48081 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
48082 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
48083 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
48084 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
48085 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
48086 starts a long, long time before the event.
48087 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
48088 from "Congress Eate It Up"
48090 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
48091 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
48094 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
48095 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
48096 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
48098 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
48100 The most important early product on the way
48101 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
48103 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
48104 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
48106 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
48107 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
48110 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
48112 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
48113 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
48115 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
48116 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
48117 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
48119 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
48120 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
48121 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
48122 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
48123 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
48124 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
48125 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
48126 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
48127 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
48128 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
48129 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
48130 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
48131 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
48132 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
48133 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
48134 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
48135 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
48136 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
48137 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
48138 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
48139 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
48140 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
48141 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
48142 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
48143 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
48144 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
48146 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
48147 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
48151 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
48152 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
48153 them were fishermen.
48156 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
48157 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
48158 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
48159 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
48160 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
48161 to commit adultery.
48162 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
48163 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
48164 the printers L3,000.
48165 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48167 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
48168 children for their insurance money.
48171 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
48173 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
48174 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
48175 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
48176 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
48178 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
48179 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
48180 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
48182 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
48183 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
48185 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
48186 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
48188 "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
48189 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
48192 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
48193 Support your right to bare arms!
48195 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
48198 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
48201 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
48202 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
48203 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
48204 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
48206 The net of law is spread so wide,
48207 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
48208 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
48209 They take in every child of wrong.
48210 O wondrous web of mystery!
48211 Big fish alone escape from thee!
48212 -- James Jeffrey Roche
48214 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
48215 I hope I don't get run over again.
48217 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
48218 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
48221 A javelin team that elects to receive.
48223 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
48224 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
48226 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
48227 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
48231 "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
48232 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
48233 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
48234 and running the country ..."
48235 -- Robert J Woodhead
48237 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
48238 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
48241 The next thing I say to you will be true.
48242 The last thing I said was false.
48244 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
48245 -- Lucille S. Harper
48247 The nice thing about standards
48248 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
48249 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
48251 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
48253 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
48254 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
48256 Breakfast at the Egg House,
48257 Like the waffle on the griddle,
48258 I'm burnt around the edges,
48259 But I'm tender in the middle.
48262 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
48263 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
48264 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
48265 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
48266 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
48268 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
48269 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
48270 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
48272 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
48273 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
48274 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
48275 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
48278 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
48282 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
48283 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
48285 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
48288 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
48289 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
48291 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
48292 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
48294 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
48295 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
48296 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
48299 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
48300 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
48301 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
48304 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
48305 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
48307 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
48309 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
48311 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
48313 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
48314 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
48315 of Corporate Planning."
48317 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
48319 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
48320 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
48321 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
48322 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
48324 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
48326 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
48327 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
48328 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
48329 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
48330 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
48331 god at 8:15 the next morning.
48333 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
48334 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
48335 more like fourteen.
48336 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
48338 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
48339 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
48340 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
48341 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
48342 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
48344 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
48345 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
48348 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
48349 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48351 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
48353 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
48354 Let the reader catch his own breath.
48355 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
48357 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
48358 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
48361 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
48364 The one good thing about repeating your
48365 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
48367 The one L lama, he's a priest
48368 The two L llama, he's a beast
48369 And I will bet my silk pyjama
48370 There isn't any three L lllama.
48371 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
48372 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
48374 The One Page Principle:
48375 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
48376 cannot be understood.
48379 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
48380 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
48382 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
48385 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
48388 The only constant is change.
48390 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
48391 right turn on a red light.
48394 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
48395 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
48397 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
48399 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
48400 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
48403 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
48404 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
48405 -- The Indianapolis Star
48407 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
48409 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
48411 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
48412 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
48413 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
48414 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
48415 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
48416 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
48417 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
48418 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
48419 it and are delighted.
48422 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
48425 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
48426 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
48427 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
48430 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
48433 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
48434 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
48435 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
48436 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
48437 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
48439 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
48442 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
48444 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
48446 The only possible interpretation of any research
48447 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
48448 -- Ernest Rutherford
48450 The only problem with being a man of leisure
48451 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
48453 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
48456 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
48457 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
48458 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
48459 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
48462 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
48463 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
48464 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
48465 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
48467 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
48469 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
48470 for getting acquainted.
48473 "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
48474 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
48477 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
48479 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
48480 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
48481 finished, and put inside boxes.
48482 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48484 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
48485 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
48488 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
48489 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
48491 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
48493 The only thing better than love is milk.
48495 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
48497 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
48499 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
48501 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
48502 the first one was useless.
48503 -- Nicolas Chamfort
48505 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
48506 It is never any use to oneself.
48509 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
48512 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
48513 the lessons that history has to teach.
48516 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
48519 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
48520 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
48521 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
48522 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
48524 "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
48528 "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
48530 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
48532 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
48533 he has lost over the years.
48534 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
48536 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
48539 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
48543 The only way to amuse some people
48544 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
48546 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
48549 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
48550 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
48553 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
48556 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
48557 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
48558 -- Jean de la Bruyere
48560 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
48563 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
48564 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48567 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
48570 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
48572 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
48574 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
48575 and the pessimist knows it.
48576 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
48578 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
48579 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
48580 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
48581 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
48583 The optimum committee has no members.
48584 -- Norman Augustine
48586 The opulence of the front office door varies
48587 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
48589 The orders come down and they march us away.
48590 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
48591 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
48592 But it's better than working for Xerox.
48593 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
48595 "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
48596 went back in time."
48599 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
48602 The other line moves faster.
48604 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
48605 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
48606 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
48607 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
48608 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
48609 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
48610 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
48611 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
48612 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
48613 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
48614 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
48615 never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
48617 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
48619 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
48620 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
48622 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
48623 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
48624 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
48625 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
48627 The past always looks better than it was.
48628 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
48629 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
48631 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
48632 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
48635 The people sensible enough to give
48636 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
48638 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
48639 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
48640 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
48641 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
48642 person you have always wanted to be.
48645 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
48648 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
48649 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
48653 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
48655 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
48657 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
48659 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
48661 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
48662 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
48663 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
48664 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
48666 The philosopher's treatment of a question
48667 is like the treatment of an illness.
48670 The Phone Booth Rule:
48671 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
48673 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
48674 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
48675 Let others think his heart is big,
48676 I think it stupid of the Pig.
48679 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
48680 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
48681 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
48682 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
48683 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
48686 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
48689 The plural of spouse is spice.
48691 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
48692 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
48693 "Let our thoughts be correct".
48696 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
48697 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
48698 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
48699 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
48700 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
48701 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
48702 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
48703 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
48704 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
48705 the higher emotions.
48706 She would me "Honey" call,
48707 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
48708 But now alas! She's left me
48710 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
48711 was her prudent choice of footwear.
48712 The fives did fit her shoe.
48713 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
48714 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
48715 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
48716 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
48717 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
48718 worst poet in England."
48719 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48721 The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
48722 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
48725 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
48726 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
48727 save your sanity for later.
48729 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
48730 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
48731 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
48732 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
48733 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
48735 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
48738 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
48739 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
48740 -- Buckminster Fuller
48742 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
48743 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
48746 "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
48749 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
48752 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
48753 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
48755 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
48757 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
48758 Were each of them once a kiddie.
48759 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
48760 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
48763 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
48764 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
48765 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
48766 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
48768 The prettiest women are almost always the most
48769 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
48770 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48772 The price of greatness is responsibility.
48774 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
48775 they might force their beliefs on us.
48778 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
48781 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
48782 knowledge of its ugly side.
48785 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
48786 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
48787 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
48789 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
48791 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
48792 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
48794 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
48795 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
48796 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
48797 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
48798 program, should the value of pi change.
48799 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
48801 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
48802 voters to win the next election.
48804 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
48805 represents the secondary theme:
48807 Law Enforcement Officials
48809 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
48811 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
48814 The probability of someone watching you is directly
48815 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
48817 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
48818 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
48819 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
48820 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
48821 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
48822 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
48823 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
48825 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
48827 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
48828 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
48831 The problem with any unwritten law is that
48832 you don't know where to go to erase it.
48835 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
48836 to sleep every few days.
48838 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
48839 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
48840 government because they could not keep up.
48843 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
48844 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
48847 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
48848 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
48849 -- Elizabeth Taylor
48851 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
48853 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
48856 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
48857 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
48858 with sloppy English.
48859 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48861 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
48865 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
48867 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
48868 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48870 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
48871 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
48875 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
48876 thoughts about their neighbours.
48879 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
48880 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
48881 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
48882 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
48883 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
48884 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
48886 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
48887 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
48889 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
48891 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
48894 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
48895 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
48896 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
48898 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
48899 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
48902 "The pyramid is opening!"
48904 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
48905 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
48906 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
48908 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
48909 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
48911 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
48913 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
48914 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
48915 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
48916 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
48917 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
48918 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
48919 remain each in their own position.
48920 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
48923 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
48924 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
48925 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
48927 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
48929 The questions remain the same.
48930 The answers are eternally variable.
48932 The Rabbits The Cow
48933 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
48934 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
48937 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
48938 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
48941 The rain it raineth on the just
48942 And also on the unjust fella:
48943 But chiefly on the just, because
48944 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
48947 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
48949 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
48950 measurement of the speed of blight.
48952 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
48953 illiterates can read.
48956 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
48959 The real man's Bloody Mary:
48960 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
48961 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
48963 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
48964 Throw all the other ingredients away.
48966 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
48968 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
48969 -- Christopher Morley
48971 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
48972 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
48974 The real reason psychology is hard is that
48975 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
48977 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
48979 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
48981 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
48982 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
48983 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
48984 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
48985 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
48987 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
48990 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
48991 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
48994 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
48995 is that the experience makes you wise.
48997 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
49001 The reason why worry kills more people
49002 than work is that more people worry than work.
49004 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
49005 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
49006 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
49007 -- George Bernard Shaw
49009 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
49010 financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
49011 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
49012 industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because
49013 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
49014 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
49016 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
49017 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
49020 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
49024 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
49025 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
49026 The hen, pleased with that,
49027 Laid an egg in his hat --
49028 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
49029 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
49031 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
49032 -- Japanese proverb
49034 The revolution will not be televised.
49036 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
49038 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
49041 The rhino is a homely beast,
49042 For human eyes he's not a feast.
49043 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
49044 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
49047 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
49048 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
49050 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
49051 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
49053 "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
49054 and to his imagination for his facts."
49057 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
49061 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
49064 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
49065 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
49067 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
49068 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
49069 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
49070 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
49071 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
49073 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
49074 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
49075 you have and what rights you have not got.
49076 -- J. Parnell Thomas
49078 The ripest fruit falls first.
49079 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
49081 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
49084 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
49087 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
49090 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
49091 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
49095 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
49096 one who is doing it.
49098 The root of all superstition is that men
49099 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
49102 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
49104 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
49105 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
49106 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
49107 take it too seriously.
49108 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
49110 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
49113 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
49114 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
49115 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
49117 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
49118 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
49119 it through power, violence or weapons.
49120 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49124 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
49125 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
49126 the console keyboard.
49127 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
49128 card decks together.
49129 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
49130 especially if you're already married.
49131 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
49132 a stool to reach another disk pack.
49133 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
49135 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
49136 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
49137 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
49138 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
49139 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
49141 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
49142 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
49143 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49145 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
49146 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
49147 gesture by the individual to himself.
49148 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
49150 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
49152 The savior becomes the victim.
49154 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
49156 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
49157 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
49159 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
49161 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
49163 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
49164 showed that all had these things in common:
49166 1) They all had moderate appetites.
49167 2) They all came from middle class homes.
49168 3) All but two of them were dead.
49170 The scum also rises.
49171 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49173 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
49174 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
49175 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
49177 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
49178 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
49182 The second best policy is dishonesty.
49184 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
49185 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
49188 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
49190 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
49192 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
49193 you've got it made.
49196 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
49197 there is no humor in Heaven.
49200 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
49201 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
49204 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
49205 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
49206 from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
49207 milestones are lifted.
49208 -- George Bernard Shaw
49210 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
49211 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
49212 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
49213 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
49214 him are dead, he is alive.
49215 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
49216 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
49217 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
49218 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
49219 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
49220 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
49221 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
49223 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
49226 The sheep died in the wool.
49228 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
49230 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
49231 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
49233 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
49235 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
49238 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
49239 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
49241 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
49242 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
49243 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
49245 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
49246 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
49247 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
49251 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
49252 -- [just say that five times...]
49254 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
49255 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
49257 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
49258 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
49260 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
49261 And surly Winter grimly flies.
49262 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
49263 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
49264 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
49265 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
49266 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
49267 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
49269 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
49270 The yellow Autumn presses near;
49271 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
49272 Till smiling Spring again appear.
49273 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
49274 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
49275 But never ranging, still unchanging,
49276 I adore my bonnie Bell.
49277 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
49279 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
49280 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
49281 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
49282 one can see only a very few things at once.
49285 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
49286 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
49289 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
49290 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
49291 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
49292 its theories will hold water.
49294 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
49295 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
49296 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
49297 And slowly she let him inside.
49299 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
49300 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
49301 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
49302 And now will you tell me why?"
49303 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
49305 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
49306 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
49309 The solution of this problem is trivial
49310 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
49312 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
49315 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
49316 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
49317 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
49318 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
49319 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
49320 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
49321 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
49322 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
49323 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
49324 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
49325 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
49326 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
49327 the table as the children gathered around him.
49328 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49329 There was total silence.
49330 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
49332 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
49333 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
49335 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
49336 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
49338 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
49340 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
49341 able to correct them.
49344 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
49346 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
49347 In town a noun might wear a gown,
49348 or further down, might dress a clown.
49349 A noun that's sound would never clown,
49350 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
49351 The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
49352 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
49353 But please don't let that get you down,
49354 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
49357 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
49358 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
49359 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
49360 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
49361 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
49362 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
49363 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
49364 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
49365 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
49366 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
49367 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
49368 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
49369 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
49371 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
49373 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
49374 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
49375 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
49376 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
49379 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
49381 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
49382 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
49383 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
49385 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
49387 The star of riches is shining upon you.
49389 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
49390 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
49391 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
49392 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
49393 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
49394 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
49395 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
49397 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
49399 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
49401 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
49402 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
49404 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
49405 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
49409 The steady state of disks is full.
49412 The story of the butterfly:
49413 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
49414 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
49415 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
49416 the third day, I heard a knock."
49417 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
49418 there was nothing."
49419 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
49420 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
49422 The story you are about to hear is true.
49423 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
49425 The street preacher looked so baffled
49426 When I asked him why he dressed
49427 With forty pounds of headlines
49428 Stapled to his chest.
49429 But he cursed me when I proved to him
49430 I said, "Not even you can hide.
49431 You see, you're just like me.
49432 I hope you're satisfied."
49435 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
49437 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
49439 The streets were dark with something more than night.
49440 -- Raymond Chandler
49442 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
49444 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
49445 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
49446 existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
49447 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
49448 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
49449 He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
49450 by the values he wills.
49453 "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
49454 is an emerging underachiever."
49456 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
49459 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
49460 even any property taxes."
49461 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
49463 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
49464 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
49465 -- The Silver Surfer
49467 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
49468 The population is, of course, growing.
49470 The sum of the Universe is zero.
49472 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
49475 The sun was shining on the sea,
49476 Shining with all his might:
49477 He did his very best to make
49478 The billows smooth and bright --
49479 And this was very odd, because it was
49480 The middle of the night.
49481 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
49483 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
49484 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
49486 The superfluous is very necessary.
49489 The superior man understands what is right;
49490 the inferior man understands what will sell.
49493 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
49494 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
49495 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
49496 side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies.
49497 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
49501 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
49503 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
49506 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
49508 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
49509 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
49512 The surest way to remain a winner is to
49513 win once, and then not play any more.
49515 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
49516 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
49517 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
49519 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
49521 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
49523 The Tao doesn't take sides;
49524 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
49525 The Guru doesn't take sides;
49526 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
49528 The Tao is like a stack:
49529 the data changes but not the structure.
49530 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
49531 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
49533 Hold on to the root.
49535 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
49536 used but never used up.
49537 It is like the extern void:
49538 filled with infinite possibilities.
49540 It is masked but always present.
49541 I don't know who built to it.
49542 It came before the first kernel.
49544 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
49545 is not the entire Tao.
49546 The path that can be specified
49547 is not the Full Path.
49549 We declare the names
49550 of all variables and functions.
49551 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
49553 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
49554 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
49556 Yet magic and hierarchy
49557 arise from the same source,
49558 and this source has a null pointer.
49560 Reference the NULL within NULL,
49561 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
49563 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
49564 artist never that he is a technician.
49565 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
49567 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
49569 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
49571 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
49572 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
49573 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
49574 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
49575 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
49576 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
49577 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
49578 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
49579 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
49580 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
49581 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
49582 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
49583 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
49584 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
49585 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
49586 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
49587 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
49588 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
49589 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
49590 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
49591 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
49593 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
49594 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
49596 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
49597 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
49598 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
49599 most untechnician-like manner.
49601 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
49602 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
49605 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
49606 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
49607 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
49608 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
49609 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
49612 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
49613 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
49614 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
49616 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
49619 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
49620 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
49622 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
49624 The Third Law of Photography:
49625 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
49626 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
49627 the dark leaks out.
49629 The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
49631 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
49633 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
49637 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
49640 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
49641 I need a lot of sleep.
49642 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
49644 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
49645 accurately it's called mudslinging.
49648 The Thought Police are here. They've come
49649 To put you under cardiac arrest.
49650 And as they drag you through the door
49651 They tell you that you've failed the test.
49652 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
49654 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
49656 The three biggest software lies:
49658 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
49659 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
49660 will fix the microcode.
49661 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
49663 The three laws of thermodynamics:
49664 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
49665 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
49666 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
49668 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
49670 1) Where's the bathroom?
49671 2) What time does the parade start?
49672 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
49674 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
49675 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
49676 an idea. -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
49678 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
49679 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
49680 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49682 The three rules of international air travel:
49684 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
49685 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
49686 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
49687 know *exactly* what you're doing.
49688 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
49690 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
49691 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
49693 The time for action is past!
49694 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
49696 The time is right to make new friends.
49698 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
49699 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
49702 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
49703 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
49704 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
49705 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
49706 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
49707 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
49708 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
49709 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
49710 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
49711 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
49712 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
49716 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
49719 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
49721 The tree of research must from time to time
49722 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
49725 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
49726 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
49729 The trouble with a kitten is that
49730 When it grows up, it's always a cat
49733 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
49735 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
49737 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
49739 -- Franklin P. Jones
49741 The trouble with being punctual is that people
49742 think you have nothing more important to do.
49744 The trouble with computers is that they do
49745 what you tell them, not what you want.
49748 The trouble with doing something right the first
49749 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
49751 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
49752 five or six days later you're hungry again.
49755 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
49756 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
49759 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
49760 -- George S. Kaufman
49762 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
49764 The trouble with opportunity is that it
49765 always comes disguised as hard work.
49766 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
49768 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
49769 and then marry him.
49772 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
49775 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
49776 the other fellow of a dull one.
49779 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
49782 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
49783 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
49784 all of the people all of the time.
49787 The trouble with you
49788 Is the trouble with me.
49790 But we still don't see.
49791 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
49793 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
49794 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
49795 people stumble than to be walked upon.
49798 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
49801 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
49804 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
49807 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
49810 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
49813 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
49816 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
49817 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
49819 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
49820 Which practically conceal its sex.
49821 I think it clever of the turtle
49822 In such a fix to be so fertile.
49825 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
49828 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
49831 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
49832 -- George Bernard Shaw
49834 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
49835 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
49836 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
49839 The two things that can get you into trouble
49840 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
49842 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
49843 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
49846 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
49847 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
49848 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
49849 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
49851 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
49852 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
49853 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
49855 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
49858 The ultimate game show will be the one
49859 where somebody gets killed at the end.
49860 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
49862 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
49863 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
49865 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
49866 "100 percent American"...
49867 -- U.S. Army (1945)
49869 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
49871 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
49874 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
49876 The universe is an island,
49877 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
49879 The universe is laughing behind your back.
49881 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
49882 combination is locked up in the safe.
49885 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
49888 The Universe is populated by stable things.
49891 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
49892 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
49895 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
49898 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
49899 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
49900 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
49901 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
49903 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
49904 and deviation standard.
49906 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
49907 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
49909 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
49910 that I assume it must be evil.
49913 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
49914 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
49915 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
49916 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
49917 world put together.
49918 -- Sir Peter Medawar
49920 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
49921 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
49922 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49924 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
49925 regarded as a criminal offence.
49926 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
49928 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
49931 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
49933 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
49937 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
49938 constant and regular employment of violence.
49939 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
49941 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
49945 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
49946 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
49947 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
49948 be one of the facts that needs altering.
49949 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
49951 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
49952 -- Miguel de Cervantes
49954 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
49955 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
49956 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
49957 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
49958 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
49959 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
49960 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
49961 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
49962 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
49964 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
49965 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
49968 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
49971 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
49972 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
49973 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
49974 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
49975 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
49976 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
49977 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
49979 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
49981 "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
49982 it's just a tired feeling:"
49984 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
49986 The wages of sin are unreported.
49988 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
49991 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
49992 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
49995 The water was not fit to drink.
49996 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
49997 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
49998 -- Winston Churchill
50000 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
50001 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
50004 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
50007 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
50009 The way to a man's heart is through his
50010 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
50011 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
50013 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
50015 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
50017 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
50019 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
50021 The way to make a small fortune in the
50022 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
50024 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
50026 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
50027 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
50028 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
50029 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
50030 I feel together today!
50031 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
50033 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
50035 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
50036 but the leaves are good to smoke!
50039 The white race is the cancer of history.
50042 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
50045 The whole of life is futile unless you
50046 consider it as a sporting proposition.
50048 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
50049 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
50050 -- Bertrand Russell
50052 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
50055 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
50058 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
50061 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
50062 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
50063 It must have blown through someone's feet,
50064 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
50067 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
50068 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
50072 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
50073 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
50075 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
50077 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
50078 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
50079 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
50080 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
50081 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
50082 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
50083 to get up in the morning!"
50085 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
50086 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
50088 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
50089 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
50090 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
50091 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
50092 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
50093 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
50096 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
50097 designed for people who walk on their hands.
50098 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
50100 The world is a comedy to those who think,
50101 and a tragedy to those who feel.
50104 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
50106 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
50108 The world is coming to an end!
50109 Repent and return those library books!
50111 The world is full of people who have never, since
50112 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
50115 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
50116 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
50119 The world is not octal despite DEC.
50121 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
50122 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
50123 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
50124 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
50126 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
50128 The world really isn't any worse.
50129 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
50131 The world wants to be deceived.
50134 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
50136 The world's as ugly as sin,
50137 And almost as delightful
50138 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
50140 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
50141 nor its great scholars great men.
50142 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
50144 The Worst American Poet
50145 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
50146 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
50147 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
50148 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
50150 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
50151 formula was the same:
50152 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
50153 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
50154 Of their death I will relate,
50155 And also others lost their life
50156 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
50157 Where so many people died.
50158 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
50159 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
50160 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
50161 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
50162 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
50163 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
50164 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
50165 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
50166 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50168 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
50170 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
50171 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
50172 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
50173 sheepishly left the building.
50174 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
50175 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
50176 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
50177 was a practical joke.
50178 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
50179 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
50180 trapped in the revolving doors again.
50182 The Worst Car Hire Service
50183 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
50184 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
50185 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
50186 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
50187 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
50188 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
50189 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
50190 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
50191 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
50192 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
50193 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
50194 we might overlook that too."
50195 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
50196 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
50198 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50200 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
50201 -- George Bernard Shaw
50203 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
50205 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
50206 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
50207 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
50208 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50210 The worst is enemy of the bad.
50212 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
50216 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
50217 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
50218 remotest clue what was happening.
50219 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
50220 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
50221 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
50222 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
50223 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
50224 was hearing a murder trial.
50225 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
50226 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
50227 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
50228 The judge ordered a retrial.
50229 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50231 The Worst Lines of Verse
50232 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
50233 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
50234 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
50235 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
50236 laughter the instant they were read out.
50237 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
50238 inspired by the subject of war.
50239 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
50240 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
50241 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
50242 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
50243 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
50244 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
50245 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
50246 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
50247 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
50248 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
50249 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
50250 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
50251 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
50252 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
50253 While in this world, are liable to leak."
50254 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
50256 "I've measured it from side to side;
50257 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
50258 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50260 The Worst Musical Trio
50261 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
50262 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
50263 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
50264 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
50265 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
50266 unhampered by great musical talent.
50267 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
50268 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
50269 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
50270 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
50271 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
50272 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
50273 "and it will be a sell out."
50274 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
50275 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
50276 asked for someone to turn his pages.
50277 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
50278 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
50279 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
50280 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
50281 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
50282 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
50283 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
50284 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50286 The worst part of having success is trying
50287 to find someone who is happy for you.
50290 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
50292 The Worst Prison Guards
50293 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
50294 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
50295 near Lisbon in Portugal.
50296 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
50297 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
50298 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
50299 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
50300 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
50301 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
50302 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
50303 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
50304 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
50305 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
50306 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
50308 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
50309 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
50310 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
50311 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
50312 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
50313 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
50314 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
50316 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
50317 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
50318 -- George Bernard Shaw
50320 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
50322 -- William Butler Yeats
50324 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
50325 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
50326 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
50329 The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
50330 They were just the first not to crash.
50332 The yankees, son, are up north.
50333 The damnyankees are down here.
50335 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
50336 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
50339 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
50340 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
50341 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
50343 The young lady had an unusual list,
50344 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
50345 She set no preconditions.
50347 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
50348 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
50349 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
50350 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
50351 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
50352 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
50353 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
50354 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
50355 they only charge $1 a ball!"
50356 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
50359 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
50361 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
50362 and you'd better not refuse.
50366 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
50368 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
50369 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
50372 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
50373 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
50375 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
50376 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
50377 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
50378 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
50380 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
50381 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
50382 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
50383 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
50385 Then here's to the City of Boston,
50386 The town of the cries and the groans.
50387 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
50388 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
50389 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
50391 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
50392 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
50396 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
50398 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
50399 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
50400 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
50401 to the "W" on the dial.
50404 He who has a Tates is lost!
50406 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
50407 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
50408 "I'll put `maybe.'"
50411 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
50412 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
50415 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
50417 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
50418 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
50420 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
50421 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
50422 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
50423 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
50425 Proceed by induction:
50426 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
50429 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
50430 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
50431 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
50433 Theorem: All programs are dull.
50435 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
50436 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
50437 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
50438 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
50439 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
50440 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
50443 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
50444 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
50445 it will look in print.
50447 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
50450 Theory of Selective Supervision:
50451 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
50452 the one time the boss walks through the office.
50454 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
50455 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
50456 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
50457 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
50458 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
50459 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
50460 He speaks with a commanding voice:
50462 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
50464 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
50466 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
50467 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
50470 There are a few things that never go out of style,
50471 and a feminine woman is one of them.
50474 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
50475 -- Winston Churchill
50477 There are bad times just around the corner,
50478 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
50479 And it's no good whining
50480 About a silver lining
50481 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
50484 There are few people more often in the wrong
50485 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
50487 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
50488 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
50489 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
50491 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
50492 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
50495 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
50496 and praiseworthy ...
50497 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50499 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
50500 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
50501 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
50504 There are many intelligent species in
50505 the universe, and they all own cats.
50507 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
50508 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
50509 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
50510 get it in the winter.
50513 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
50514 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
50515 avoiding a great deal of pain.
50517 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
50520 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
50522 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
50524 There are more things in heaven and earth,
50525 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
50528 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
50530 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
50532 There are new messages.
50534 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
50537 There are no answers, only cross-references.
50540 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
50541 are chosen correctly.
50543 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
50545 There are no games on this system.
50547 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
50548 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
50550 There are no great men, only great challenges that
50551 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
50552 -- Admiral William Halsey
50554 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
50555 -- The Duke of Wellington
50557 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
50558 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
50559 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
50560 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
50561 -- Richard Davisson
50563 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
50564 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
50566 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
50568 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
50571 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
50573 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
50574 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
50577 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
50578 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
50581 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
50582 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
50583 people who find nothing odd about it.
50586 There are places I'll remember
50587 All my life though some have changed.
50588 Some forever not for better
50589 Some have gone and some remain.
50590 All these places had their moments
50591 With lovers and friends I still recall.
50592 Some are dead and some are living,
50593 In my life I've loved them all.
50595 But of all these friends and lovers,
50596 There is no one compared with you,
50597 All these memories lose their meaning
50598 When I think of love as something new.
50599 Though I know I'll never lose affection
50600 For people and things that went before,
50601 I know I'll often stop and think about them
50602 In my life I'll love you more.
50603 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
50605 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
50606 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
50609 There are running jobs.
50610 Why don't you go chase them?
50612 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
50613 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
50614 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
50617 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
50618 By the men who moil for gold;
50619 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
50620 That would make your blood run cold;
50621 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
50622 But the queerest they ever did see
50623 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
50624 I cremated Sam McGee.
50625 -- Robert W. Service
50627 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
50628 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
50631 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
50632 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
50633 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
50634 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
50635 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence."
50636 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
50638 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
50639 -- Benjamin Disraeli
50641 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
50643 "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
50644 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
50645 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
50647 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
50648 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
50649 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
50650 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
50651 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
50652 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
50653 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
50654 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
50656 "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
50657 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
50659 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
50661 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
50662 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
50663 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
50664 long winter evenings.
50667 There are three rules for writing a novel.
50668 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
50671 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
50672 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
50673 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
50674 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
50675 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
50677 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
50681 There are three things I have always loved
50682 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
50684 There are three things men can do with women:
50685 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
50688 There are three ways to get something done:
50691 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
50692 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
50694 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
50697 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
50698 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
50701 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
50702 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
50703 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
50704 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
50705 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
50706 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
50707 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
50709 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
50710 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
50711 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
50712 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
50713 Man it is smokin'!"
50714 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
50716 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
50717 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
50718 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
50719 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
50721 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
50722 And one says "This is new, and therefore better."
50723 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
50725 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
50726 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
50728 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
50729 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
50730 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
50731 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
50733 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
50734 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
50735 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
50737 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
50738 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
50740 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
50741 marriage and after marriage.
50743 There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
50744 sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
50747 "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
50748 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
50749 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
50753 There are two ways of disliking art.
50754 One is to dislike it.
50755 The other is to like it rationally.
50758 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
50759 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
50762 There are two ways to write error-free
50763 programs; only the third one works.
50765 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
50766 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
50768 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
50769 with an insurance salesman?
50772 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
50773 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
50774 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
50775 together we'll face the world.
50776 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
50778 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
50779 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
50781 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
50784 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
50787 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
50790 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
50791 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
50794 There comes a time to stop being angry.
50795 -- A Small Circle of Friends
50797 There exist tasks which cannot be done
50798 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
50801 There goes the good time that was had by all.
50802 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
50804 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
50805 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
50806 permissions for everyone, you could say
50808 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
50810 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
50811 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
50813 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
50814 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
50815 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
50816 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
50817 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
50818 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
50819 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
50820 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
50821 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
50823 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
50824 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
50826 There has been an alarming increase in the
50827 number of things you know nothing about.
50829 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
50831 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
50832 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
50833 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
50834 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
50836 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
50837 elevator with one other person from each floor?
50838 A: The elevator would be full.
50840 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
50841 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
50842 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
50843 -- Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
50845 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
50849 There is a fly on your nose.
50851 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
50852 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
50853 each other's throat.
50854 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
50856 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
50857 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
50859 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
50861 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
50862 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
50863 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
50865 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
50866 tied during the month of April.
50868 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
50871 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
50872 wooden toilet seats.
50874 It's called the Birch John Society.
50876 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
50877 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
50881 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
50882 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
50883 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
50886 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
50887 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
50889 There is a time in the tides of men,
50890 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
50891 On the other hand, don't count on it.
50894 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
50895 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
50898 There is always more hell that needs raising.
50901 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
50903 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
50905 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
50907 There is always something new out of Africa.
50908 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
50910 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
50911 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
50912 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50914 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
50915 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
50918 There is brutality and there is honesty.
50919 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
50921 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
50922 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
50923 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
50926 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
50927 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
50928 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
50929 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
50930 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
50933 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
50934 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
50936 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
50937 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50939 There is in certain living souls
50940 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
50941 So great it must be shared
50942 As company is shared by lesser beings.
50943 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
50945 There is one lonelier than you.
50947 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
50948 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
50949 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
50950 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
50951 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
50952 even highly probable.
50953 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
50955 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
50957 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
50958 and we will conquer. Follow me.
50959 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
50961 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
50962 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
50963 -- G. K. Chesterton
50965 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
50966 -- Mahatma Mohandis K. Gandhi
50968 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
50971 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
50972 always enough time to do it over.
50974 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
50976 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
50977 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
50978 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
50980 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
50981 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
50983 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
50984 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
50985 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
50987 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
50988 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
50989 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
50990 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
50991 striving of the human race"
50992 -- Alfred North Whitehead
50994 There is no comfort without pain; thus
50995 we define salvation through suffering.
50998 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
50999 -- George Santayana
51001 There is no delight the equal of dread.
51002 As long as it is somebody else's.
51005 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
51007 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
51010 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
51011 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
51012 as 'unearned income.'
51015 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
51016 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
51018 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
51019 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
51020 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
51021 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
51022 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
51023 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
51025 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
51027 There is no fool to the old fool.
51030 There is no future in time travel.
51032 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
51034 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
51035 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
51036 -- Ernest Hemingway
51038 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
51039 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
51041 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
51042 -- George Francis Gillette
51044 There is no point in waiting.
51045 The train stopped running years ago.
51046 All the schedules, the brochures,
51047 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
51048 Promise rides to a distant country
51049 That no longer exists.
51051 There is no proverb that is not true.
51054 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
51055 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
51056 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
51057 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
51059 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
51061 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
51062 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
51063 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
51065 There is no royal road to geometry.
51068 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
51070 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
51071 -- George Bernard Shaw
51073 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
51074 -- General Douglas MacArthur
51076 There is no sin but ignorance.
51077 -- Christopher Marlowe
51079 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
51080 -- George Bernard Shaw
51082 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
51084 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
51086 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
51088 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
51090 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
51092 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
51093 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
51096 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
51098 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
51099 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
51100 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
51102 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
51103 some anxiety always goes with it.
51105 There is no time like the pleasant.
51107 There is no time like the present
51108 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
51110 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
51111 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
51113 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
51114 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
51115 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
51116 live as cheap as the people.
51117 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51119 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
51120 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
51123 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
51124 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
51126 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
51129 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
51130 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
51132 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
51133 -- Marie Antoinette
51135 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
51136 when you do it reluctantly.
51137 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
51139 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
51142 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
51143 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
51144 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
51145 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
51146 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
51147 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
51148 the middle of the night?'"
51150 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
51152 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
51153 ocean level wouldn't cure.
51156 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
51157 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
51159 There is one difference between a tax collector and
51160 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
51163 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
51164 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
51167 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
51168 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
51171 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
51174 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
51177 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
51178 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
51181 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
51182 and that word is blackmail.
51185 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
51186 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
51189 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
51190 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
51192 There is something in the pang of change
51193 More than the heart can bear,
51194 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
51197 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
51199 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
51201 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
51202 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
51206 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
51207 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
51209 There must be more to life than having everything.
51212 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
51215 There once was a girl named Irene
51216 Who lived on distilled kerosene
51217 But she started absorbin'
51219 And since then has never benzene.
51221 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51222 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51223 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51225 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51226 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51227 what would your decision be, my son?"
51228 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51229 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
51230 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51232 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
51233 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
51234 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
51236 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
51237 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
51238 what would your decision be, my son?"
51239 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
51240 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
51241 that I had promised."
51242 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
51244 There once was a member of Mensa
51245 Who was a most excellent fencer.
51246 The sword that he used
51247 Was his -- (line is refused,
51248 And has now been removed by the censor).
51250 There once was an old man from Esser,
51251 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
51252 It at last grew so small,
51253 He knew nothing at all,
51254 And now he's a College Professor.
51256 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
51259 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
51260 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
51262 There was a little girl
51263 Who had a little curl
51264 Right in the middle of her forehead.
51265 When she was good, she was very, very good
51266 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
51267 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
51269 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
51270 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
51271 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
51272 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
51273 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
51274 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
51275 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
51276 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
51277 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
51278 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
51279 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
51280 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
51281 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
51282 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
51283 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
51284 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
51285 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
51286 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
51288 There was a phone call for you.
51290 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
51291 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
51292 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
51293 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
51294 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
51295 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
51296 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
51297 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
51298 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
51300 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
51301 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
51302 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
51306 There was a young lady from Hyde
51307 Who ate a green apple and died.
51308 While her lover lamented
51309 The apple fermented
51310 And made cider inside her inside.
51312 There was a young man from LeDoux,
51313 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
51315 There was a young man from Verdunne.
51317 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
51318 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
51319 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
51321 There was a young man who said "God,
51322 I find it exceedingly odd,
51323 That the willow oak tree
51325 When there's no one about in the Quad."
51327 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
51328 For I'm always about in the Quad;
51329 And that's why the tree,
51331 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
51333 There was a young poet named Dan,
51334 Whose poetry never would scan.
51335 When told this was so,
51336 He said, "Yes, I know.
51337 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
51339 "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
51340 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
51341 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
51345 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
51346 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
51347 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
51348 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
51349 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
51350 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
51351 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
51352 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
51353 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
51354 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
51355 the squaws of the other two hides.
51357 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
51358 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
51359 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
51360 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
51361 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
51362 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
51363 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
51364 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
51366 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
51367 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
51368 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
51370 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
51371 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
51372 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
51373 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
51374 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
51375 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
51376 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
51377 he tells the counterman.
51378 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
51379 "You must be from New York."
51380 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
51382 "Because this is a hardware store."
51384 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
51385 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
51386 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
51387 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
51388 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
51389 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
51390 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
51391 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
51392 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
51393 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
51394 telephone business?
51396 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
51397 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
51399 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
51401 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
51404 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
51405 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
51408 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
51409 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
51410 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
51411 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
51412 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
51413 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
51414 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
51415 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
51417 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
51420 There's a lesson that I need to remember
51421 When everything is falling apart
51422 In life, just like in loving
51423 There's such a thing as trying to hard
51426 Like you don't need the money
51427 Love like you'll never get hurt
51429 Like nobody's watching
51430 It's gotta come from the heart
51431 If you want it to work.
51434 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
51435 allows you to install Windows.
51436 -- Matthew D. Fuller
51438 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
51440 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
51441 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
51442 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
51443 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
51444 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
51445 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
51446 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
51447 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
51448 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
51449 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
51450 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
51451 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
51452 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
51454 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
51455 The corporation that we represent.
51456 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
51457 Of that man of men our sterling president
51458 The name of T.J. Watson means
51459 A courage none can stem
51460 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
51461 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
51463 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
51464 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
51465 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
51466 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
51467 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
51468 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
51469 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
51470 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
51471 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
51472 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
51473 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
51474 along -- quite gracefully.
51477 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
51480 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
51482 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
51484 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
51485 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
51489 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
51491 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
51493 There's little in taking or giving,
51494 There's little in water or wine:
51495 This living, this living, this living,
51496 Was never a project of mine.
51497 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
51498 The gain of the one at the top,
51499 For art is a form of catharsis,
51500 And love is a permanent flop,
51501 And work is the province of cattle,
51502 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
51503 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
51504 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
51507 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
51508 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
51511 There's no justice in this world.
51512 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
51513 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
51514 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
51515 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
51518 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
51521 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
51524 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
51527 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
51529 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
51530 what you're talking about.
51531 -- John von Neumann
51533 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
51534 -- Milton Friendman
51536 There's no such thing as an original sin.
51539 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
51543 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
51545 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
51547 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
51549 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
51550 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
51552 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
51554 -- Clare Booth Luce
51556 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
51558 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
51560 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
51561 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
51564 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
51565 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
51568 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
51572 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
51573 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
51575 There's nothing worse for your business than
51576 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
51579 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
51580 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
51582 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
51583 always see somebody who did worse.
51584 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
51586 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
51588 There's only one everything.
51590 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
51591 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
51594 There's small choice in rotten apples.
51595 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
51597 There's so much plastic in this culture that
51598 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
51601 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
51603 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
51604 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
51607 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
51608 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
51610 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
51611 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51613 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
51614 -- Richard Le Gallienne
51616 These activities have their own rules and methods
51617 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
51618 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
51620 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
51621 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
51622 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
51623 out of MEGATON MAN!"
51625 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
51626 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
51628 They also serve who only stand and wait.
51631 They also surf who only stand on waves.
51633 They are called computers simply because computation is
51634 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
51636 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
51637 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
51638 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
51639 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
51640 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
51642 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
51643 when they can see nothing but sea.
51646 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
51647 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
51649 They call them "squares" because it's the
51650 most complicated shape they can deal with.
51652 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
51653 -- The Blues Brothers
51655 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
51656 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
51657 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
51659 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
51660 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
51662 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
51663 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
51664 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
51665 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
51666 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
51667 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
51669 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
51670 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
51671 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
51672 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
51673 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
51674 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
51675 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
51676 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
51677 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
51679 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
51680 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
51681 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
51682 only want to count to two.
51683 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
51685 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
51686 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
51687 question about the suffering of starving miners.
51689 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
51691 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
51692 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
51694 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
51695 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
51696 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
51698 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
51700 "They make a desert and call it peace."
51701 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
51703 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
51704 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
51705 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
51708 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
51709 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
51710 learn this particular lesson.
51711 -- Richard Stallman
51713 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
51714 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
51715 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
51717 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
51718 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
51719 then we take Berlin.
51721 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
51722 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
51723 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
51724 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
51726 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
51727 always spell better than they pronounce.
51730 "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
51731 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
51732 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
51734 "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
51736 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
51737 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
51738 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
51739 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
51741 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
51742 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
51743 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
51744 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
51746 My notion was to start again
51747 Ignoring all they'd done
51748 We quickly turned it into code
51749 To see if it would run.
51751 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
51752 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
51754 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
51755 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
51757 They use different words for things in America.
51758 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
51759 They say drapes and we say curtains.
51760 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
51763 They went rushing down that freeway,
51764 Messed around and got lost.
51765 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
51766 And it was life in the fast lane.
51767 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
51769 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
51770 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
51772 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
51773 The man said "We got all that we can use",
51774 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
51775 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
51778 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
51779 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
51780 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
51784 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
51785 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
51787 They're just jealous because they don't have three
51788 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
51789 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
51790 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
51792 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
51794 "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
51798 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
51799 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
51800 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
51802 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
51803 -- Dwight Eisenhower
51805 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
51807 Things are not always what they seem.
51810 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
51812 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
51814 Things past redress and now with me past care.
51815 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
51817 Things will be bright in P.M.
51818 A cop will shine a light in your face.
51820 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
51823 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
51826 Pollute the Mississippi.
51828 Think honk if you're a telepath.
51830 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
51833 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
51835 Think of your family tonight.
51836 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
51841 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
51843 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
51844 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
51846 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
51847 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
51848 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
51849 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
51850 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
51851 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
51852 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
51853 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
51855 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
51856 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
51859 "Thirty days hath Septober,
51860 April, June, and no wonder.
51861 all the rest have peanut butter
51862 except my father who wears red suspenders."
51864 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
51867 Then they stand still.
51870 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
51871 Everye nighte and alle,
51872 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
51873 And Christe receive thy saule.
51874 -- The Lykewake Dirge
51876 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
51877 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
51878 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
51879 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
51880 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
51881 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
51882 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
51883 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
51884 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
51885 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
51886 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
51887 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
51889 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
51890 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
51891 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
51893 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
51895 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
51897 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
51899 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
51900 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
51901 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
51902 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
51903 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
51905 This fortune intentionally not included.
51907 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
51909 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
51910 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
51912 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
51914 This fortune is false.
51916 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
51918 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
51920 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
51922 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
51924 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
51925 We have emotional moving vans.
51928 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
51929 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
51930 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
51931 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
51932 of the house by dinner!"
51934 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
51935 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
51937 This is a good time to punt work.
51939 "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
51943 "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
51944 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
51946 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
51947 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
51949 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
51950 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
51951 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
51952 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
51953 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
51954 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
51955 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
51956 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
51957 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
51958 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
51959 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
51960 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
51961 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
51962 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
51963 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
51965 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
51967 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
51968 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
51969 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
51971 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
51972 and not enough hunchbacks.
51974 This is for all ill-treated fellows
51975 Unborn and unbegot,
51976 For them to read when they're in trouble
51980 This is Jim Rockford.
51981 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
51983 "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
51985 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
51987 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
51988 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
51989 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
51991 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
51992 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
51994 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
51996 This is NOT a repeat.
51998 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
51999 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
52000 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
52001 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
52003 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
52005 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
52006 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
52007 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
52008 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
52009 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
52010 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
52011 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
52012 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
52013 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
52014 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
52015 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
52016 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
52017 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
52018 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
52020 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
52021 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
52023 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
52024 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
52025 and come alone. I'm serious!
52027 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
52028 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
52031 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
52032 power of computers:
52034 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
52035 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
52036 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
52037 one should eat each day:
52041 1 glass of skim milk
52042 27 heads of lettuce.
52043 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
52045 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
52047 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
52048 -- Winston Churchill
52050 This is the story of the bee
52051 Whose sex is very hard to see
52053 You cannot tell the he from the she
52054 But she can tell, and so can he
52056 The little bee is never still
52057 She has no time to take the pill
52059 And that is why, in times like these
52060 There are so many sons of bees.
52062 This is the theory that Jack built.
52063 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
52064 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
52066 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
52067 And now you know why.
52069 This is the way the world ends,
52070 This is the way the world ends,
52071 This is the way the world ends,
52072 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
52073 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
52075 This is your fortune.
52077 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
52078 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
52080 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
52081 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
52082 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
52083 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
52085 This land is full of trousers!
52086 this land is full of mausers!
52087 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
52088 -- Firesign Theater
52090 This land is made of mountains,
52091 This land is made of mud,
52092 This land has lots of everything,
52093 For me and Elmer Fudd.
52095 This land has lots of trousers,
52096 This land has lots of mousers,
52097 And pussycats to eat them
52098 When the sun goes down.
52100 This land is my land, and only my land,
52101 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
52102 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
52103 This land is private property.
52104 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
52106 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
52107 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
52108 to what to do and where to go.
52110 This life is yours. Some of it was given
52111 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
52113 This login session: $13.99
52115 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
52117 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
52119 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
52120 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
52122 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
52126 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
52127 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
52128 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
52129 don't actually hurt.
52130 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
52131 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
52132 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
52133 man enough to take me on?"
52134 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
52135 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
52136 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
52137 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
52138 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
52139 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
52140 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
52141 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
52142 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
52143 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
52144 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
52145 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
52147 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
52148 got to find a way off this planet.
52150 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
52151 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
52152 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
52153 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
52154 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
52155 paper that were unhappy.
52156 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52158 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
52159 something child-like.
52160 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
52162 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
52163 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
52164 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
52165 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
52166 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
52167 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
52168 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
52169 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
52170 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
52171 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
52172 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
52173 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
52174 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
52175 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
52176 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
52177 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
52178 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
52179 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
52180 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
52181 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
52182 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
52183 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
52185 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
52186 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
52188 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
52189 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
52190 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
52191 which identifies errors in the original program.
52193 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
52194 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
52195 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
52196 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
52199 This screen intentionally left blank.
52201 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
52204 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
52206 This sentence no verb.
52208 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
52210 This thing all things devours:
52211 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
52212 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
52213 Grinds hard stones to meal;
52214 Slays king, ruins town,
52215 And beats high mountain down.
52217 This unit... must... survive.
52219 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
52220 contents may have occurred during shipment.
52222 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
52223 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
52224 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
52225 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
52227 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
52228 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
52230 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
52231 This was terrible with raisins in it.
52234 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
52236 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
52238 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
52239 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
52240 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
52241 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
52242 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
52243 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
52244 and was lying about twenty feet away.
52245 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
52246 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
52248 Those lovable Brits department:
52249 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
52251 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
52254 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
52256 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
52257 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
52258 at are called software.
52259 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
52260 Literacy for the 1990's.
52262 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
52263 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
52266 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
52270 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
52272 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
52273 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
52275 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
52278 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
52279 -- George Santayana
52281 Those who can't write, write manuals.
52283 Those who claim the dead never return
52284 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
52286 "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
52289 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
52292 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
52293 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
52296 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
52297 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
52300 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
52301 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
52304 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
52305 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
52306 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
52308 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
52309 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
52312 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
52314 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
52315 will make violent revolution inevitable.
52316 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
52318 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
52319 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
52320 without the roar of its many waters.
52321 -- Frederick Douglass
52323 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
52324 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
52325 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
52326 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
52327 Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung.
52329 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
52330 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
52331 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
52332 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
52333 The highest rung. In his bung.
52335 Because in life they prayed so ill
52336 And offered god such swinish swill
52337 Now they sweat in flames of hell
52338 Sweat from lack of APL
52341 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
52343 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
52344 -- Miguel de Cervantes
52346 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
52348 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52350 -- The Tao of Programming
52352 Though I respect that a lot
52353 I'd be fired if that were my job
52354 After killing Jason off and
52355 Countless screaming argonauts
52357 Bluebird of friendliness
52358 Like guardian angels it's
52361 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
52362 Who watches over you
52363 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52364 Not to put too fine a point on it
52365 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
52366 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
52368 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
52370 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
52372 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
52373 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
52374 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
52375 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
52376 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
52377 more about the matter than the others.
52378 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
52380 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
52383 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
52384 -- Benjamin Franklin
52386 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
52387 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
52388 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
52390 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
52391 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
52392 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
52393 service station," said the Missourian.
52395 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
52396 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
52397 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
52399 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
52400 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
52403 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
52404 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
52405 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
52407 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
52408 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
52409 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
52410 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
52411 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52412 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
52413 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
52414 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
52415 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
52417 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
52418 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
52419 2. Always point out second-order effects,
52420 but never point out when they can be ignored.
52421 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
52423 Throw away documentation and manuals,
52424 and users will be a hundred times happier.
52425 Throw away privileges and quotas,
52426 and users will do the Right Thing.
52427 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
52428 and there won't be any pirating.
52430 If these three aren't enough,
52431 just stay at your home directory
52432 and let all processes take their course.
52434 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
52435 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
52436 -- Bertrand Russell
52438 Thus spake the master programmer:
52439 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
52441 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52443 Thus spake the master programmer:
52444 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
52445 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52447 Thus spake the master programmer:
52448 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
52450 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52452 Thus spake the master programmer:
52453 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
52455 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52457 Thus spake the master programmer:
52458 "Time for you to leave."
52459 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52461 Thus spake the master programmer:
52462 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
52463 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52465 Thus spake the master programmer:
52466 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
52467 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
52468 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52470 Thus spake the master programmer:
52471 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
52472 hardware is useless."
52473 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52475 Thus spake the master programmer:
52476 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
52477 can't make him computer literate."
52478 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52481 Everything goes wrong at once.
52483 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
52484 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
52485 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
52486 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
52488 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
52489 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
52490 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
52491 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
52493 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
52494 And racing around to come up behind you again
52495 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
52496 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
52498 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
52500 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
52501 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
52502 Or half a page of scribbled lines
52503 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
52507 Quite unaccountably
52517 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
52519 Tiger got to sleep,
52521 Man got to tell himself he understand.
52522 -- The Books of Bokonon
52524 Time and tide wait for no man.
52526 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
52529 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
52531 Time goes, you say?
52533 Time stays, *we* go.
52536 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
52539 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
52540 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
52542 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
52544 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
52545 -- Henry David Thoreau
52547 Time is nature's way of making sure that
52548 everything doesn't happen at once.
52550 Space is nature's way of making sure that
52551 everything doesn't happen to you.
52553 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
52556 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
52558 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
52560 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
52562 Time to take stock.
52563 Go home with some office supplies.
52566 Love's wounds unseen.
52567 That's what someone told me;
52568 But I don't know what it means.
52569 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
52571 Time will end all my troubles,
52572 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
52574 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
52575 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
52578 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
52580 Timing must be perfect now.
52581 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
52584 Never fry bacon in the nude.
52586 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
52589 Tip the world over on its side and
52590 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
52591 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
52593 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
52594 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
52595 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
52596 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
52597 they would ordinarily.
52598 There is no music in space.
52599 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
52600 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
52602 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
52603 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
52604 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
52605 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
52606 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
52607 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
52608 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
52609 never been easier."
52610 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
52611 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
52612 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
52613 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
52614 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
52615 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
52616 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
52617 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
52618 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
52619 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
52620 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
52621 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
52623 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
52625 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
52628 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
52629 Before his life is done,
52630 To write three lines of APL,
52631 And make the damn things run.
52633 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
52634 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
52635 stopping at red lights are both optional.
52636 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52638 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
52639 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
52640 to spend a few days there.
52641 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52643 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
52644 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
52645 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52647 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
52648 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
52649 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
52650 Swedes speak better English.
52651 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52653 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
52654 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
52656 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
52658 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
52659 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
52660 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
52663 To add insult to injury.
52666 To any truly impartial person, it would
52667 be obvious that I am always right.
52669 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
52672 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
52675 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
52676 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
52679 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
52680 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
52682 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
52683 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
52686 To be great is to be misunderstood.
52687 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52689 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
52690 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
52691 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
52692 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
52693 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
52694 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
52695 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
52696 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
52698 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
52700 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
52702 To be is to be related.
52710 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
52716 To be loved is very demoralizing.
52717 -- Katharine Hepburn
52719 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
52720 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
52721 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
52722 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
52724 To be or not to be.
52733 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
52735 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
52736 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
52739 "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
52740 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
52741 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
52744 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
52747 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
52748 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
52750 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
52751 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
52753 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
52755 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
52757 To be wise, the only thing you really need
52758 to know is when to say "I don't know."
52760 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
52761 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
52762 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
52764 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
52765 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
52766 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
52767 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
52768 To write those routines
52769 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
52770 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
52771 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
52772 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
52773 To this glorious quest,
52774 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
52775 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
52777 Still strove with his last allocation
52778 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
52779 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
52781 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
52784 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
52785 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
52786 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
52788 To craunch a marmoset.
52789 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
52791 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
52792 more important than the ability to say yes.
52795 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
52796 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
52798 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
52799 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
52801 To do nothing is to be nothing.
52803 To do two things at once is to do neither.
52806 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
52807 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
52810 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
52811 of four kids and one bathroom.
52814 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
52817 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
52819 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
52821 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
52823 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
52824 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
52826 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
52828 "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
52830 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
52832 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
52834 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
52835 -- MIT Assasination Club
52837 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
52839 To err is human, to moo bovine.
52841 To err is human, to purr feline.
52842 To err is human, two curs canine.
52843 To err is human, to moo bovine.
52845 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
52846 -- Benjamin Franklin
52849 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
52857 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
52860 To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
52861 A time to be born, and a time to die;
52862 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
52863 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
52864 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
52865 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
52866 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
52867 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
52868 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
52869 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
52870 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
52871 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
52872 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
52873 A time to love, and a time to hate;
52874 A time of war, and a time of peace.
52877 To fear love is to fear life, and those
52878 who fear life are already three parts dead.
52879 -- Bertrand Russell
52881 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
52884 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
52885 -- Benjamin Franklin
52887 To generalize is to be an idiot.
52890 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
52892 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
52893 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
52895 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
52896 persons, two of them absent.
52898 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
52900 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
52902 To have died once is enough.
52903 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
52905 To hell with the Prime Directive;
52906 Let's KILL something!
52908 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
52911 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
52914 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
52915 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
52917 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
52918 to kill them, treat them often.
52920 To know Edina is to reject it.
52921 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
52923 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
52925 To lead people, you must follow behind.
52928 To listen to some devout people,
52929 one would imagine that God never laughs.
52932 To love is good, love being difficult.
52934 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
52936 To make tax forms true they should
52937 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
52939 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
52942 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
52943 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
52944 circus and a clown killed my dad.
52945 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52947 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
52949 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
52951 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
52952 -- 19th century toast
52954 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
52956 To restore a sense of reality, I think
52957 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
52960 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
52962 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
52963 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
52964 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
52965 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
52967 To say you got a vote of confidence
52968 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
52971 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
52973 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
52974 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
52975 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
52976 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
52977 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
52978 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
52979 mind over matter; quite.
52980 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
52982 To see you is to sympathize.
52984 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
52985 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
52987 To stand and be still,
52988 At the Birkenhead drill,
52989 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
52992 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
52993 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
52994 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
52996 To stay youthful, stay useful.
52998 To teach is to learn.
53000 To teach is to learn twice.
53003 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
53005 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
53007 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
53010 To Theodore Roosevelt:
53011 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
53012 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
53013 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
53014 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
53015 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
53017 Sultan to the Berbers
53018 Last of the Barbary Pirates
53020 To thine own self be true.
53021 (If not that, at least make some money.)
53023 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
53027 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
53028 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
53029 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
53030 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
53031 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
53032 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
53033 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
53034 secure ecological niche.
53035 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
53037 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
53039 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
53040 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
53041 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
53042 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
53043 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
53044 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
53045 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
53046 receving said benefit.
53047 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
53048 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
53049 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
53050 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
53052 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
53054 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
53056 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
53057 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
53059 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
53060 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
53061 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
53062 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
53063 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
53065 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
53066 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
53067 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
53068 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
53069 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
53070 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
53071 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
53072 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
53073 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
53074 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
53075 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
53078 To use violence is to already be defeated.
53081 "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
53083 To whom the mornings are like nights,
53084 What must the midnights be!
53085 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
53087 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
53088 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
53089 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
53090 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
53091 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
53092 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
53093 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
53094 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
53095 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
53096 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
53097 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
53098 and choose more docile words to take its part.
53099 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
53100 by making love directly to the brain.
53102 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
53105 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
53106 That from the devil does proceed;
53107 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
53108 And makes a chimney of your nose.
53112 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
53114 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
53115 Read someone else's mail file.
53117 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
53119 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
53121 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
53123 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
53125 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
53127 Today is the last day of your life so far.
53129 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
53131 Today is what happened to yesterday.
53133 "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
53134 except in major motion pictures."
53135 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
53137 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
53138 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
53141 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
53143 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
53145 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
53146 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
53148 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
53149 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
53150 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
53153 Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
53154 -- Hunter S. Thompson
53156 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
53159 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
53160 creating endless annoyance to male users.
53161 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
53163 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
53166 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
53167 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
53169 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
53171 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
53173 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
53176 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
53178 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
53179 Don't forget to leave a tip.
53181 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
53183 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
53184 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
53186 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
53187 driving cabs and cutting hair.
53190 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
53191 real fast and freak everybody out.
53192 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
53194 Too clever is dumb.
53197 Too cool to calypso,
53198 Too tough to tango,
53199 Too weird to watusi
53203 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
53204 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
53205 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
53206 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
53207 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
53209 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
53210 They seem more afraid of life than death.
53213 Too much is just enough.
53214 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
53216 Too much is not enough.
53218 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
53221 Too much of everything is just enough.
53224 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
53226 -- Governor Jerry Brown
53228 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
53229 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
53230 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
53232 [Once is too often. Ed.]
53234 Too ripped. Gotta go.
53236 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
53238 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
53240 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
53241 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
53242 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
53243 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
53244 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
53245 assurance people in its wake.
53246 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
53247 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
53248 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
53249 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
53250 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
53251 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
53252 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
53254 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
53255 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
53257 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
53258 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
53259 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
53264 Follow these simple suggestions:
53266 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
53267 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
53268 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
53270 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
53271 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
53273 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
53275 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
53277 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
53278 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
53279 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
53281 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
53283 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
53284 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
53285 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
53286 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
53287 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
53288 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
53290 Topologists are just plane folks.
53291 Pilots are just plane folks.
53292 Carpenters are just plane folks.
53293 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
53294 Musicians are just playin' folks.
53295 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
53296 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
53300 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
53302 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
53303 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
53305 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
53306 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
53308 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
53309 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
53312 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
53313 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
53316 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
53319 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
53322 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
53325 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
53326 "It's there, but you can't see it"
53327 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
53330 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
53331 "I can see it, but it's not there."
53335 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
53337 Trap full -- please empty.
53340 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
53342 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
53344 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
53347 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
53348 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
53349 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
53350 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
53351 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
53352 for a short spell?"
53354 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
53357 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
53358 -- Charles DeGaulle
53360 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
53363 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
53365 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
53367 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
53368 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
53369 a brand new series of three.
53371 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
53372 in eucalyptus trees.
53374 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
53376 True happiness will be found only in true love.
53378 True leadership is the art of changing
53379 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
53382 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
53383 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
53386 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
53389 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
53390 -- Norman Augustine
53392 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
53393 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
53395 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
53399 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
53402 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
53404 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
53405 and get as much as you can in your own name.
53408 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
53410 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
53411 -- Albert Schweitzer
53413 Truth is free, but information costs.
53415 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
53417 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
53419 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
53422 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
53423 of him that brought her birth.
53426 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
53429 Dumb and illiterate.
53430 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53434 Try not to have a good time ...
53435 This is supposed to be educational.
53443 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
53445 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
53447 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
53449 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
53451 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
53452 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
53453 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
53454 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
53455 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
53458 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
53460 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
53462 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
53463 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
53465 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
53467 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
53468 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
53470 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
53473 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
53475 Trying to get an education here is like
53476 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
53479 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
53481 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
53483 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
53485 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
53488 Turn the other cheek.
53492 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
53496 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
53498 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
53499 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
53501 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
53502 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
53505 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
53506 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
53507 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
53508 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
53509 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
53510 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
53511 Long time the folsom foe he sought
53512 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
53513 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
53514 Came whippany through the englewood,
53515 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
53517 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
53518 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
53519 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
53520 He caldwell in his joy.
53521 Did mahwah into patterson:
53522 All jersey were the ocean groves,
53523 And the red bank bayonne.
53526 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53527 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
53528 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
53529 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
53530 Beware the Jubjub bird,
53531 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
53532 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
53533 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
53534 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
53535 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
53536 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
53538 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
53539 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
53540 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
53541 He chortled in his joy.
53542 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
53543 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
53544 All mimsy were the borogroves
53545 And the mome raths outgrabe.
53546 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
53548 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
53549 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
53550 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
53551 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
53552 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
53553 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
53554 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
53555 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
53556 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
53557 Came waffling with the truth too good,
53558 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
53560 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
53561 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
53562 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
53563 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
53564 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
53565 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
53566 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
53567 And mammon's wrath them bash!
53568 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
53570 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
53571 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
53572 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
53573 And Cory raths outgrabe.
53575 "Beware the software rot, my son!
53576 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
53577 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
53578 The frumious system crash!"
53580 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
53581 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
53582 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
53583 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
53585 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
53586 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
53587 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
53588 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
53590 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
53591 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
53592 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
53593 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
53594 -- Midnight On The Ocean
53596 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
53597 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
53598 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
53599 A satellite spotted him making his way.
53600 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
53601 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
53602 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
53603 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
53604 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
53605 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
53606 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
53607 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
53608 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
53609 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
53610 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
53611 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
53612 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
53613 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
53614 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
53615 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
53616 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
53617 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
53618 So after a trillion or two had been spent
53619 The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
53620 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
53621 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
53623 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
53624 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
53625 throughout our place of residence,
53626 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
53627 possessors of this potential, including that
53628 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
53629 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
53630 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
53631 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
53632 imminent visitation from an eccentric
53633 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
53634 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
53636 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
53639 Twenty two thousand days.
53640 Twenty two thousand days.
53642 It's all you've got.
53643 Twenty two thousand days.
53644 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
53646 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
53647 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
53648 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
53649 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
53650 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
53651 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
53652 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
53653 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
53654 collision course with that ship.
53655 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
53656 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
53657 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
53658 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
53660 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
53661 course 20 degrees."
53662 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
53663 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
53664 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
53666 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
53668 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
53671 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
53673 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
53674 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
53675 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
53676 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
53677 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
53678 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
53679 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
53682 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
53683 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
53684 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
53685 knows when to stop."
53687 Two heads are better than one.
53690 Two heads are more numerous than one.
53692 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
53693 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
53694 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
53695 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
53696 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
53697 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
53698 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
53699 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
53700 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
53701 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
53702 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
53704 Two is company, three is an orgy.
53706 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
53708 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
53709 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
53710 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
53711 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
53712 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
53713 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
53714 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
53716 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
53717 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
53718 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
53719 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
53721 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
53722 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
53723 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
53724 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
53725 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
53726 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
53727 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
53728 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
53730 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
53732 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
53733 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
53734 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
53735 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
53736 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
53738 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
53739 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
53741 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
53743 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
53745 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
53747 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
53748 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
53749 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
53751 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
53752 I forget the second.
53754 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
53755 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
53756 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
53757 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
53758 toasts him, "Skoal!"
53759 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
53760 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
53762 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
53765 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
53768 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
53770 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
53771 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
53772 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
53773 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
53775 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
53776 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
53777 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
53778 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
53780 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
53781 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
53782 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
53783 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
53785 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
53786 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
53787 In the well of sanguine woe?
53788 In what clay & in what mould
53789 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
53790 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
53792 Type louder, please.
53794 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
53795 Run right up and rub its horn.
53796 Look at all those points you're losing!
53797 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
53798 -- The Roguelet's ABC
53800 "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
53802 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
53803 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
53805 Udall's Fourth Law:
53806 Any change or reform you make
53807 is going to have consequences you don't like.
53809 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
53811 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
53812 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
53813 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
53814 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
53816 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
53817 Sorry for the confusion.
53818 -- Sun Microsystems
53820 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
53821 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
53822 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
53823 coughing and drops dead.
53824 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
53826 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
53828 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
53830 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
53832 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
53833 Never use your thumb for a rule.
53834 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
53836 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
53837 just man is also in prison.
53838 -- Henry David Thoreau
53840 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
53841 ordinance under which you can be booked.
53842 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
53844 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
53845 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
53848 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
53849 If you want something, it can wait.
53850 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
53852 Under every stone lurks a politician.
53855 Under the wide and heavy VAX
53856 Dig my grave and let me relax
53857 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
53858 And I lay me down with a will.
53859 These be the words that tell the way:
53860 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
53861 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
53862 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
53864 Under the wide and starry sky,
53865 Dig my grave and let me lie,
53866 Glad did I live and gladly die,
53867 And laid me down with a will,
53868 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
53869 Here he lies where he longed to be,
53870 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
53871 And the hunter home from the hill.
53874 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
53875 Superiority is recessive.
53878 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
53879 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
53880 basis of your own internal model instead.
53882 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
53883 in relation to a bigger problem.
53886 Unfair animal names:
53888 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
53889 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
53890 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
53893 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
53894 Selling cheaper than we do.
53896 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
53897 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
53898 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
53899 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
53902 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
53906 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
53908 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
53909 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
53910 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
53911 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
53912 low over the world.
53918 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
53919 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
53922 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53923 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
53924 you how to fix it, and...
53926 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
53927 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
53930 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
53931 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
53934 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
53937 UNIX enhancements aren't.
53939 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
53940 of more feet, just to be sure.
53944 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
53946 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
53947 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
53948 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
53949 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
53950 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
53952 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
53954 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
53957 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
53958 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
53959 -- Michael Jay Tucker
53961 UNIX is many things to many people,
53962 but it's never been everything to anybody.
53964 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
53968 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
53969 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
53970 with the workstation harem.
53972 unix soit qui mal y pense
53974 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
53975 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
53978 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
53979 would also stop you from doing clever things.
53982 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
53984 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
53985 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
53986 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
53987 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
53989 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
53990 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
53991 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
53992 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
53994 -- William Shakespeare
53996 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
54000 If it happens, it must be possible.
54002 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
54003 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
54006 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
54007 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
54010 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
54014 What you left out on April 15th.
54016 Up against the net, redneck mother,
54017 Mother who has raised your son so well;
54018 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
54019 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
54021 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
54022 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
54023 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
54024 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
54026 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
54028 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
54030 Use a pun, go to jail.
54032 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
54033 -- KFOG, San Francisco
54035 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
54036 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
54039 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
54040 more labor and less oratory.
54046 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
54049 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
54050 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
54052 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
54053 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
54055 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
54056 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
54057 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
54058 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University.
54060 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
54063 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
54064 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
54065 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
54066 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
54068 I always hated those adventure games.
54071 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
54076 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
54077 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
54079 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
54080 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
54084 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
54085 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
54086 life-style to recuperate.
54088 Vail's Second Axiom:
54089 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
54090 amount of work already completed.
54092 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
54093 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
54097 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
54100 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
54103 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
54106 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
54107 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
54108 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
54109 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
54110 and sour won ton soup.
54112 Variables don't; constants aren't.
54116 Vegetables are what food eats.
54117 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
54118 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
54119 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
54120 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
54122 Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat.
54124 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
54125 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
54126 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
54131 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
54133 Verba volant, scripta manent!
54135 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
54138 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
54139 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
54143 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
54145 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
54146 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
54147 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
54148 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
54149 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
54150 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
54151 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
54152 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
54153 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
54154 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
54155 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
54156 is presumably working on it.
54158 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
54159 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
54162 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
54165 A hungry dog hunts best.
54166 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
54168 Decreased business base increases overhead.
54169 So does increased business base.
54171 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
54172 is fifth grade arithmetic.
54174 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
54175 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
54177 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
54178 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
54179 -- Norman Augustine
54181 Victory uber allies!
54184 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
54185 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
54186 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
54187 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
54188 in the 9th century.
54190 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
54191 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
54194 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
54195 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
54196 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
54199 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
54200 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
54202 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
54203 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
54204 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
54205 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
54207 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
54209 Violence is molding.
54211 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
54214 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
54215 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
54216 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
54217 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
54218 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
54219 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
54223 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
54224 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
54226 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
54229 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
54230 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
54231 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
54232 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
54234 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
54235 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
54236 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
54237 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
54238 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
54239 that old underwear you own.
54241 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
54243 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
54244 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
54247 Virtue is its own punishment.
54250 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
54253 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
54254 He who practices it will have neighbors.
54257 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
54258 -- La Rochefoucauld
54260 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
54262 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
54264 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
54265 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
54267 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
54268 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
54270 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
54272 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
54275 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
54277 VMS version 2.0 ==>
54285 A mountain with hiccups.
54287 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
54288 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
54289 And to him who's scientific
54290 There is nothing that's terrific
54291 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
54292 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
54295 It is better to have lobbed and lost
54296 than never to have lobbed at all.
54298 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
54299 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
54300 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
54301 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
54302 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
54303 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
54307 Vote early and vote often.
54308 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
54309 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
54311 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
54315 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
54317 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
54319 Wad some power the giftie gie us
54320 To see oursels as others see us.
54323 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
54326 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
54329 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
54330 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
54331 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
54332 (Waiter exits, returns)
54333 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
54335 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
54336 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
54337 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
54338 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
54340 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
54341 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
54342 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
54343 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
54345 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
54346 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
54347 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
54348 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
54349 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
54351 Wake up and smell the coffee.
54354 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
54355 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
54357 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
54358 -- Theodore Roosevelt
54360 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
54362 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
54365 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
54366 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics.
54367 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
54369 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
54370 Garp: Gradual school?
54371 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
54373 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
54374 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
54375 -- The World According To Garp
54378 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
54379 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
54380 on a plane that left Gate 1.
54384 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
54385 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
54386 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
54387 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
54388 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
54390 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
54391 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
54392 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
54393 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
54394 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
54396 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
54398 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
54399 -- Charles Edward Montague
54401 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
54403 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
54404 -- Desiderius Erasmus
54406 War is like love, it always finds a way.
54407 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
54409 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
54412 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
54414 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
54418 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
54419 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
54420 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
54421 of your favorite war.
54424 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
54425 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
54426 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
54427 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
54428 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
54429 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
54430 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
54431 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
54432 things to the terminal.
54434 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
54436 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
54437 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
54439 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
54441 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
54442 Survivors will be shot again.
54445 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
54447 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
54448 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
54449 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
54450 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
54451 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
54452 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
54453 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
54455 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
54457 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
54459 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
54460 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
54461 There was a time they could cry over books,
54462 But time has set its maggot on their track.
54463 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
54464 What's never known is safest in this life.
54465 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
54466 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
54467 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
54468 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
54470 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
54472 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
54474 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
54477 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
54478 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
54479 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
54481 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
54482 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
54484 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
54487 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
54489 Wasting time is an important part of living.
54491 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
54493 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
54496 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
54500 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
54503 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
54504 number and significance of any persons watching it.
54507 The single most important word in the world.
54509 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
54510 when it's necessary to compromise.
54513 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
54514 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
54517 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
54519 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
54521 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
54523 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
54524 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
54526 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
54527 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
54529 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
54530 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
54531 is that it is not crazy enough.
54534 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
54535 before we are fit to participate in society.
54536 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
54539 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
54541 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
54544 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
54546 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
54549 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
54552 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
54553 -- Winston Churchill
54555 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
54558 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
54559 -- Whole Earth Catalog
54561 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
54562 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
54564 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
54565 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
54567 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
54569 -- Patrick Moynihan
54571 We are each only one drop in a great
54572 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
54574 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
54576 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
54577 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
54580 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
54581 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
54582 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
54585 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
54586 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
54588 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
54589 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
54591 We are not a clone.
54593 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
54598 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
54599 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
54602 "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
54604 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
54606 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
54607 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
54611 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
54613 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
54616 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
54617 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
54619 This is a recording.
54621 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
54622 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
54623 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
54624 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
54625 the substance that cast them.
54627 We are the people our parents warned us about.
54629 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
54630 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
54631 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
54633 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
54634 The order is not insignificant.
54635 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
54637 "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
54638 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
54640 We are what we are.
54642 We are what we pretend to be.
54643 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
54645 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
54647 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
54650 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
54651 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
54652 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
54654 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
54655 -- Sir Francis Bacon
54657 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
54660 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
54661 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
54662 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
54664 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
54667 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
54668 feet and go skating.
54669 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
54671 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
54672 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
54673 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
54674 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
54675 beautiful Universe, Our home.
54676 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
54678 "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
54681 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
54682 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
54684 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
54686 We don't care how they do it in New York.
54688 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
54689 -- James Watt, noted theologian
54691 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
54693 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
54695 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
54696 that it wasn't a fish.
54697 -- Marshall McLuhan
54699 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
54700 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
54702 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
54705 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
54706 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
54707 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
54708 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
54710 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
54712 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
54713 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
54714 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
54715 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
54717 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
54719 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
54721 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
54724 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
54725 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
54727 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
54728 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
54729 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
54733 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
54734 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
54736 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
54737 -- La Rochefoucauld
54739 We gotta get out of this place,
54740 If it's the last thing we ever do.
54743 "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
54744 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
54745 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
54746 our grave singing Halleluja ..."
54749 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
54751 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
54754 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
54756 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
54757 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
54758 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
54759 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
54760 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
54761 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
54762 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
54763 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
54764 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
54766 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
54769 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
54772 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
54773 than from the machinations of the wicked.
54775 We have no scorched earth policy.
54776 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
54777 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
54779 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
54782 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
54785 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
54786 back to normal, and that they already have.
54788 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
54791 "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
54792 hands for masturbation."
54795 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
54797 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
54798 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
54799 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
54800 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
54801 said "ELECTROCUTION".
54803 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
54804 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
54805 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
54806 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
54807 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
54808 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
54809 floor, which is how the police would find you.
54811 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
54812 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
54814 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
54816 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
54817 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
54819 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
54820 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
54821 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
54822 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
54823 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
54824 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
54825 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
54826 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
54827 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
54828 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
54829 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
54830 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
54831 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
54832 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
54833 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
54834 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
54836 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
54837 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
54838 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
54839 to crave knowledge.
54842 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
54843 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
54844 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
54845 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
54846 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
54847 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
54848 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
54849 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
54850 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
54851 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
54852 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
54853 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
54855 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
54858 We love our little Johnny
54859 He's the best little boy in all the world
54860 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
54861 That's how much we love him.
54862 No, we couldn't live without him
54863 So that's why, since he died,
54864 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
54865 He's so good, so well-behaved,
54866 Even better than before;
54867 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
54868 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
54869 Never miss our little Johnny,
54870 He'll never grow up and leave us
54871 That's why we love him like we do.
54874 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
54875 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
54876 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
54877 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
54880 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
54884 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
54885 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
54886 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
54887 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
54888 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
54892 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
54893 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
54894 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
54895 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
54896 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
54897 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
54898 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
54899 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
54900 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
54901 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
54902 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
54903 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
54905 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
54907 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
54908 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
54909 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
54910 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
54911 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
54912 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
54914 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
54915 but we always respect their good judgement.
54917 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
54918 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
54919 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
54920 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
54921 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
54922 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
54923 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
54924 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
54925 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
54927 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
54928 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
54931 We must die because we have known them.
54932 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
54934 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
54935 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
54936 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
54937 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
54939 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
54940 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
54941 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
54942 "Stalin," published London, 1939
54944 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
54945 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
54946 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
54948 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
54950 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
54951 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
54952 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
54955 We must remember the First Amendment which
54956 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
54957 -- F. G. Withington
54959 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
54960 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
54962 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54964 We only acknowledge small faults in order
54965 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
54966 -- LaRouchefoucauld
54968 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
54969 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
54970 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
54971 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
54972 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
54973 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
54974 ugly paneling is to begin with.
54975 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
54977 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
54978 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
54979 forgotten its source.
54980 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
54982 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
54983 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
54985 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
54987 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
54988 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
54989 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
54991 We read to say that we have read.
54993 We really don't have any enemies.
54994 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
54996 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
54999 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
55000 Only non-sense attains perfection.
55001 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
55003 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
55004 -- Jean de la Bruyere
55006 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
55007 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
55008 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
55009 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
55012 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
55013 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
55017 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
55018 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
55022 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
55023 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
55026 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
55029 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
55030 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
55031 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
55032 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
55033 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
55034 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
55035 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
55036 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
55037 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
55038 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
55040 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
55041 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
55042 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
55044 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
55045 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
55046 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
55047 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
55050 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55051 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55052 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55053 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55056 ------------------- -------------------------
55057 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
55058 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
55059 Moody Manic-depressive
55060 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
55061 Poet Boring manic-depressive
55062 Sultry/Sensual Easy
55063 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
55064 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
55065 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
55066 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
55067 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
55068 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
55070 Aging child Self-centered adult
55071 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
55072 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
55074 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
55075 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
55076 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
55077 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
55080 ------------------- -------------------------
55081 Independent thinker Crazy
55082 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
55083 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
55084 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
55085 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
55087 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
55088 Big and beautiful Really Fat
55089 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
55090 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
55092 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
55093 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
55094 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
55095 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
55097 We totally deny the allegations, and
55098 we're trying to identify the allegators.
55100 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
55101 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
55102 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
55103 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
55105 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
55108 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
55109 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
55110 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
55112 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
55113 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
55114 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
55115 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
55116 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
55117 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
55118 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
55119 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
55122 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
55123 were married for four and a half years.
55126 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
55128 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
55129 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
55132 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
55133 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
55134 French restaurant. [...]
55135 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
55136 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
55137 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
55138 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
55139 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
55140 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
55141 "Stop the car," the girl said.
55142 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
55143 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
55144 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
55145 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
55147 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
55148 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
55149 onto my granola and faced a new day.
55150 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
55153 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
55154 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
55158 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
55159 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
55161 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
55162 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
55163 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
55164 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
55165 in the end a summer with wild winds &
55166 new friends will be.
55168 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55169 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55170 We wish you a Hare Krishna
55171 And a Sun Myung Moon!
55175 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
55177 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
55181 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
55182 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
55186 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
55189 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
55190 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
55191 least interested and say nothing about the other.
55193 Weekend, where are you?
55196 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
55199 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
55200 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
55201 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
55202 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
55204 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
55205 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
55207 Weinberg's First Law:
55208 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
55210 Weinberg's Principle:
55211 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
55212 on to the grand fallacy.
55214 Weinberg's Second Law:
55215 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
55216 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
55219 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
55220 There are no answers, only cross references.
55222 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
55223 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
55224 -- Dean McLaughlin.
55226 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
55238 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
55239 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
55240 -- Garrison Keillor
55242 Welcome to the Zoo!
55244 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
55245 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
55246 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
55247 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
55248 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
55249 the reader! For example, the sentence
55251 Jane went to the store to buy bread
55253 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
55254 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
55255 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
55256 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
55257 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
55258 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
55259 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
55260 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
55263 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
55265 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
55266 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
55267 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
55268 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
55269 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
55270 *thousands* of words to say it.
55271 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
55272 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
55273 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
55274 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
55275 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
55277 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
55278 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
55279 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
55280 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
55282 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
55283 nature and will kill you.
55284 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
55287 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
55288 night. Live, on the Death label.
55289 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
55291 Well begun is half done.
55294 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
55295 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
55299 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
55301 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
55303 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
55304 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
55305 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
55306 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
55307 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
55308 per hour, December 7, 1941.
55310 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
55311 Might as well have put it down the drain.
55312 Fancy giving money to the Government!
55313 Nobody will see the stuff again.
55314 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
55315 Ten to one they'll start another war.
55316 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
55317 Fancy giving money to the Government!
55320 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
55322 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
55323 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
55326 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
55327 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
55328 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
55329 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
55330 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
55331 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
55332 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
55333 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
55334 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
55335 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
55336 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
55337 the entire show without answering a single question ...
55338 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
55340 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
55341 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
55342 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
55343 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
55344 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
55345 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
55346 When along came a senorita,
55347 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
55348 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
55349 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
55350 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
55351 Grow some funk of your own.
55352 We no like to with the gringo fight,
55353 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
55355 Take my advice, take the next flight,
55356 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
55357 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
55359 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
55360 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
55361 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
55362 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
55363 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
55365 "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
55367 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
55369 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
55372 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
55374 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
55376 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
55378 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
55380 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
55381 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
55382 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
55384 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
55385 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
55386 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
55387 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
55388 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
55389 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
55391 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
55392 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
55393 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
55394 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
55395 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
55396 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
55397 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
55398 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
55399 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
55401 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
55402 From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
55403 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
55404 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
55406 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
55407 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
55408 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
55409 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55411 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
55412 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
55413 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
55414 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55416 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
55417 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
55418 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
55419 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
55420 -- Core Dumped Blues
55422 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
55423 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
55424 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
55427 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
55429 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
55430 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
55431 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
55432 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
55434 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
55436 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
55438 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
55439 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
55442 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
55445 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
55446 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
55449 Well, we'll really have a party,
55450 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
55451 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
55453 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
55454 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
55455 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
55456 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
55458 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
55459 And we're loved everywhere we go.
55460 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
55461 At ten thousand dollars a show.
55462 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
55463 But the thrill we've never known,
55464 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55465 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55467 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
55468 Who embroiders on my jeans.
55469 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
55470 Drivin' my limousine.
55471 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
55472 But our minds won't be really be blown;
55473 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
55474 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55476 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
55477 Who'll do anything we say.
55478 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
55479 We got all the friends that money can buy,
55480 So we never have to be alone.
55481 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
55482 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
55483 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
55484 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
55486 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
55487 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
55490 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
55511 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
55512 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
55513 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
55515 We're all in this alone.
55518 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
55519 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
55520 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
55521 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
55522 it's not going to do anything for you.
55523 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
55525 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
55526 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
55527 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
55528 in his bowl full of jelly.
55529 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
55531 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
55532 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
55533 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
55534 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
55536 We're happy little Vegemites,
55537 As bright as bright can be.
55538 We all enjoy our Vegemite
55539 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
55541 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
55542 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
55543 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
55545 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
55547 We're Knights of the Round Table
55548 We dance whene'er we're able
55549 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
55550 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
55551 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
55552 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
55553 That are quite unsingable
55554 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
55555 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
55558 And impersonate Clark Gable
55559 It's a busy life in Camelot.
55560 I have to push the pram a lot.
55563 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
55564 -- D. W. Robertson.
55566 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
55567 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
55568 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
55571 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
55572 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
55573 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
55574 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
55575 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
55576 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
55577 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
55578 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
55581 We're only in it for the volume.
55584 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
55587 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
55589 Westheimer's Discovery:
55590 A couple of months in the laboratory can
55591 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
55594 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
55596 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
55597 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
55598 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
55601 We've tried each spinning space mote
55602 And reckoned its true worth:
55603 Take us back again to the homes of men
55604 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
55606 The arching sky is calling
55607 Spacemen back to their trade.
55608 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
55609 And the lights below us fade.
55610 Out ride the sons of Terra,
55611 Far drives the thundering jet,
55612 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
55613 Out, far, and onward yet--
55615 We pray for one last landing
55616 On the globe that gave us birth;
55617 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
55618 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
55619 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
55621 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
55626 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
55627 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
55628 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
55629 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
55631 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
55632 understand what a misfortune it is.
55633 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
55635 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
55636 -- WOP, "War Games"
55638 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
55641 What an artist dies with me!
55644 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
55648 "What are we going to do?"
55650 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
55651 something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
55652 short initiation period."
55654 What awful irony is this?
55655 We are as gods, but know it not.
55657 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
55659 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
55661 What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
55662 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
55663 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
55664 Can only be carried on one man's back.
55665 -- Louden Wainwright III
55667 What did you bring that book I didn't want
55668 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
55670 What did you do when the ship sank?
55671 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
55673 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
55674 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
55675 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
55676 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
55677 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
55678 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
55680 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
55683 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
55686 What does education often do?
55687 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
55688 -- Henry David Thoreau
55690 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
55692 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
55693 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
55694 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
55695 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
55696 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
55697 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
55698 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
55699 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
55700 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
55701 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
55702 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
55703 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
55704 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
55705 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
55706 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
55707 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
55709 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
55712 What ever happened to happily ever after?
55714 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
55717 What foods these morsels be!
55719 What fools these morals be!
55721 What fools these mortals be.
55722 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
55724 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
55726 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
55728 "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
55729 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
55730 country. Nice try anyway, George."
55731 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
55733 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
55734 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
55736 What good is a ticket to the good life,
55737 if you can't find the entrance?
55739 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
55740 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
55742 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
55745 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
55746 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
55748 What happened last night can happen again.
55750 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
55751 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
55755 What happens to a dream deferred?
55757 Like a raisin in the sun?
55758 Or fester like a sore --
55760 Does it stink like rotten meat?
55761 Or crust and sugar over --
55762 Like a syrupy sweet?
55767 Or does it explode?
55770 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
55772 What has roots as nobody sees,
55773 Is taller than trees,
55775 And yet never grows?
55777 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
55778 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
55779 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
55780 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
55781 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
55782 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
55783 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
55784 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
55785 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
55786 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
55787 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
55788 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
55789 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
55790 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
55791 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
55792 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
55794 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
55795 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
55796 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
55797 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
55799 What I tell you three times is true.
55802 "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
55803 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
55804 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
55805 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
55807 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
55809 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
55811 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
55812 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
55813 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55815 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
55816 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
55817 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55819 What if there had been room at the inn?
55820 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
55822 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
55825 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
55826 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
55827 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
55828 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
55830 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
55831 2. We may not change our programming tools.
55832 3. We may not change our hardware.
55833 4. We may not change our tasks.
55834 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
55835 in which the work has to be done.
55837 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
55838 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
55840 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
55842 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
55845 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
55849 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
55850 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
55852 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
55853 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
55854 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
55855 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
55856 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
55857 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
55858 all the weak: Christianity.
55859 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55861 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
55862 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
55864 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
55866 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
55868 -- Charles Baudelaire
55870 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
55873 What is mind? No matter.
55874 What is matter? Never mind.
55875 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
55877 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
55880 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
55883 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
55884 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
55887 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
55890 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
55893 Uh, that still ain't right...
55894 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
55895 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
55896 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
55898 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
55899 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
55900 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
55902 "What is the Nature of God?"
55904 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
55908 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
55910 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
55913 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
55916 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
55918 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
55919 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
55920 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
55921 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
55923 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
55924 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
55925 is the first law of nature.
55928 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
55929 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
55930 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
55931 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
55932 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
55933 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
55934 British civilian morale, 1939
55936 "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
55937 which is the exact opposite."
55938 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
55940 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
55942 "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
55943 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
55945 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
55946 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
55949 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
55952 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
55953 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
55955 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
55956 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
55958 What makes you think graduate school
55959 is supposed to be satisfying?
55960 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
55962 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
55964 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
55965 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
55967 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
55968 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
55971 What on earth would a man do with himself
55972 if something did not stand in his way?
55975 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
55978 What one fool can do, another can.
55979 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
55981 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
55983 What pains others pleasures me,
55984 At home am I in Lisp or C;
55985 There i couch in ecstasy,
55986 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
55987 Into kernel memory.
55988 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
55989 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
55991 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
55992 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
55994 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
55995 more than man's transparency.
55998 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
55999 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
56000 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
56001 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
56002 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
56003 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
56004 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
56007 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
56008 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
56009 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
56010 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
56011 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
56012 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
56013 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
56014 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
56015 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
56016 their grasp before they were five years old.
56017 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
56019 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
56020 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
56022 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
56025 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
56026 On FHA0, is sleeping?
56027 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
56028 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
56029 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56030 The file, the highseg of login.
56031 Why lies it here, on public disk
56032 And why is it now unprotected?
56033 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
56034 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
56035 Dump, dump it and type it out,
56036 The file, the highseg of login.
56039 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
56041 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
56044 What, still alive at twenty-two,
56045 A clean upstanding chap like you?
56046 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
56047 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
56048 Like enough, you won't be glad,
56049 When they come to hang you, lad:
56050 But bacon's not the only thing
56051 That's cured by hanging from a string.
56052 So, when the spilt ink of the night
56053 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
56054 Lads whose job is still to do
56055 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
56058 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
56059 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
56060 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
56062 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
56064 What the hell is it good for?
56065 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
56066 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
56067 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
56069 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
56071 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
56072 -- Nikita Khruschev
56074 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
56079 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
56080 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
56081 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
56082 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
56083 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
56085 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
56086 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
56087 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
56088 a long way with his skills."
56089 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
56090 "You won't find many people like her."
56091 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
56092 "I cannot reccommend him too highly."
56093 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
56094 felony in my presence.)
56099 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
56101 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
56102 "Her input was always critical."
56103 (She never had a good word to say.)
56104 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
56105 (And it's nonexistent.)
56106 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
56107 already has so many outstanding members."
56108 (Unless you already have a moron.)
56109 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
56110 one unbelievable result after another."
56111 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
56112 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
56113 (In fact, to life in general...)
56118 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
56119 (We certainly never succeeded.)
56120 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
56121 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
56122 "Success will never spoil him."
56123 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
56124 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
56125 (And such a sigh of relief.)
56126 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
56127 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
56128 (And his IQ, as well.)
56129 "He should go far."
56130 (The farther the better.)
56131 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
56132 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
56134 What they say: What they mean:
56136 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
56137 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
56138 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
56139 to unforseen difficulties
56140 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
56141 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
56142 assured grateful for anything at all.
56143 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
56144 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
56145 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
56147 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
56148 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
56149 approach kicking it around.
56150 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
56152 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
56154 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
56156 What they say: What they mean:
56158 New Different colors from previous version.
56159 All New Not compatible with previous version.
56160 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
56161 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
56162 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
56163 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
56164 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
56165 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
56166 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
56167 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
56168 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
56169 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
56170 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
56171 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
56172 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
56173 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
56174 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
56175 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
56177 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
56179 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
56181 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
56183 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
56185 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
56188 I don't know, it keeps changing.
56190 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
56191 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
56194 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
56195 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
56197 What we Are is God's give to us.
56198 What we Become is our gift to God.
56200 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
56203 What we do not understand we do not possess.
56206 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
56207 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
56208 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
56209 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
56210 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
56211 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
56212 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
56213 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
56215 What we need is either less corruption,
56216 or more chance to participate in it.
56218 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
56221 What we wish, that we readily believe.
56224 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
56225 2038 does not bear thinking about.
56228 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
56230 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
56232 What you don't know won't help you much either.
56235 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
56236 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
56237 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
56238 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
56240 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
56242 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
56243 something to occur to you.
56246 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
56247 referring to AST's.]
56249 Whatever became of eternal truth?
56251 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
56252 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
56253 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
56254 shredding hundred dollar bills."
56257 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
56259 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
56261 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
56265 Whatever happened to the good old days
56266 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
56268 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
56270 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
56272 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
56273 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
56274 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
56276 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
56277 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
56279 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
56280 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56282 "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
56286 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
56287 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
56288 -- Charlotte Whitton
56290 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
56291 but it is very important that you do it.
56294 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
56296 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
56298 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
56300 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
56303 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
56305 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
56308 What's done to children, they will do to society.
56310 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
56311 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
56315 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
56316 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
56317 -- The Best of Will Rogers
56319 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56320 What's the ugliest part of your body?
56321 Some say your nose,
56322 Some say your toes,
56323 But I think it's your mind.
56324 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
56326 "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
56329 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
56330 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
56332 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
56333 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
56336 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
56338 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
56340 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
56341 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
56344 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
56347 When a girl can read the handwriting on
56348 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
56350 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
56351 inattentions of one.
56354 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
56355 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
56356 -- George Bernard Shaw
56358 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
56359 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
56360 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
56362 When a man assumes a public trust, he
56363 should consider himself as public property.
56364 -- Thomas Jefferson
56366 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
56369 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
56370 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
56373 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
56374 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
56375 hour. That's relativity.
56378 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
56382 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
56383 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
56384 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
56385 liar who has broken his promises.
56388 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
56390 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
56391 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
56392 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
56393 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
56395 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
56396 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
56397 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
56398 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
56400 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
56401 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
56404 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
56405 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
56408 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
56409 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
56411 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
56412 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
56413 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
56414 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
56415 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
56416 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
56417 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
56418 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
56419 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
56420 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
56421 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
56422 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
56423 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
56425 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
56426 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
56427 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
56430 When all else fails, EAT!!!
56432 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
56433 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
56435 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
56437 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
56439 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
56441 When among apes, one must play the ape.
56443 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
56446 "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
56447 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
56450 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
56451 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
56453 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
56454 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
56455 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
56457 When asked the definition of "pi":
56459 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
56460 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
56462 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
56466 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
56468 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
56471 When choosing between two evils, I always
56472 like to take the one I've never tried before.
56473 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
56475 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
56476 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
56479 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
56481 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
56482 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
56483 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
56484 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
56485 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
56486 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
56489 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
56491 When does later become never?
56493 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
56494 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
56496 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
56499 When forecasting, give them a number
56500 or give them a date, but never both.
56502 When God endowed human beings with brains,
56503 He did not intend to guarantee them.
56505 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
56506 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
56509 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
56510 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
56511 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
56512 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
56513 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
56514 himself to destruction.
56517 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
56518 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
56521 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
56522 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
56523 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
56525 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
56527 like my grandfather.
56530 like the passengers in his car...
56532 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
56533 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
56534 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
56535 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
56536 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
56537 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
56538 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
56540 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
56541 and a willingness to compromise.
56542 -- Weber cartoon caption
56544 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
56545 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
56548 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
56549 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
56550 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
56552 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
56553 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
56554 what you like now."
56557 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
56558 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
56559 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
56561 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
56562 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
56563 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
56564 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
56566 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
56568 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
56569 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
56571 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
56572 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
56575 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
56576 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
56578 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
56580 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
56581 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
56584 When I think about myself,
56585 I almost laugh myself to death,
56586 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
56587 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
56588 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
56589 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
56590 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
56591 I laugh until my stomach ache,
56592 When I think about myself.
56593 My folks can make me split my side,
56594 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
56595 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
56596 They grow the fruit,
56598 I laugh until I start to crying,
56599 When I think about my folks.
56602 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
56603 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
56605 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
56606 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
56609 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
56610 I was an only child... eventually.
56613 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
56614 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
56618 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
56619 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
56620 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
56623 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
56624 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
56627 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
56628 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
56631 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
56633 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
56634 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
56635 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56637 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
56638 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
56640 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
56641 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
56644 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
56645 -- Rodney Dangerfield
56647 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
56648 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
56649 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
56650 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
56651 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
56652 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
56653 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
56654 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
56655 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
56656 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
56658 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
56659 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
56662 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
56663 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
56664 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
56665 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
56668 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
56669 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
56672 When I works, I works hard.
56673 When I sits, I sits easy.
56674 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
56676 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
56677 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
56678 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
56679 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
56680 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
56681 questions like a senator.
56684 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
56687 When in charge ponder,
56688 When in doubt mumble,
56689 When in trouble delegate.
56691 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
56692 to apologize than to get permission.
56693 -- Grace Murray Hopper
56695 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
56697 When in doubt, follow your heart.
56699 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
56700 -- Raymond Chandler
56702 When in doubt, lead trump.
56704 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
56707 When in doubt, tell the truth.
56710 When in doubt, use brute force.
56713 When in panic, fear and doubt,
56714 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
56716 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
56719 When in this world the headlines read
56720 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
56721 Who rob and steal from those who need
56722 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56723 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
56724 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
56725 Fighting all who rob or plunder
56726 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
56730 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
56732 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
56733 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
56735 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
56737 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
56738 it is necessary not to make a decision.
56740 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
56741 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
56743 When license fees are too high,
56744 users do things by hand.
56745 When the management is too intrusive,
56746 users lose their spirit.
56748 Hack for the user's benefit.
56749 Trust them; leave them alone.
56751 When love is gone, there's always justice.
56752 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
56753 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
56757 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
56758 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
56760 When Marriage is Outlawed,
56761 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
56763 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
56766 When my brain begins to reel from my
56767 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
56770 When my fist clenches crack it open,
56771 Before I use it and lose my cool.
56772 When I smile tell me some bad news,
56773 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
56775 And if I swallow anything evil,
56776 Put you finger down my throat.
56777 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
56778 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
56780 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
56783 No one knows what its like to be hated,
56785 To telling only lies.
56788 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
56789 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
56790 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
56791 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
56792 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
56793 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
56794 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
56795 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
56796 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
56797 most unlikely of situations.
56798 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
56800 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
56801 touched, the majority of men live content.
56802 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
56804 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
56806 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
56809 When one knows women one pities men,
56810 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
56813 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
56814 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
56816 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
56817 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
56819 -- Louise Andrews Kent
56821 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
56822 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
56823 And Oxygen still had none
56824 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
56825 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
56826 Called because of rain.
56828 When people have trouble communicating,
56829 the least they can do is to shut up.
56832 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
56834 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
56836 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
56837 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
56838 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
56840 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
56841 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
56842 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
56843 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
56844 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
56845 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
56846 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
56847 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
56849 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
56850 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
56851 is away and you get twice as much done.
56854 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
56855 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
56857 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
56858 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
56860 When some people discover the truth, they just
56861 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
56863 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
56864 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
56865 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
56866 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
56867 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
56868 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
56870 For might makes right, Members of the corps
56871 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
56872 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
56874 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
56875 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
56876 We only want the world to know
56877 That we support the status quo;
56878 They love us everywhere we go,
56879 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
56880 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
56882 When someone says "I want a programming language in
56883 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
56885 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
56888 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
56890 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
56891 of asterisked sentences:
56893 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
56894 And costs less than $1,300.**
56896 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
56898 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
56899 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
56900 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
56901 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
56902 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
56904 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
56905 you really want to. Or less.
56908 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
56911 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
56914 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
56917 When the candles are out all women are fair.
56920 When the cup is full, carry it level.
56922 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
56923 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
56925 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
56928 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
56929 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
56931 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
56934 "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
56937 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
56939 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
56941 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
56942 -- Hunter S. Thompson
56944 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
56945 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
56947 When the Guru administers, the users
56948 are hardly aware that he exists.
56949 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
56950 Next, one who is feared.
56951 And worst, one who is despised.
56953 If you don't trust the users,
56954 you make them untrustworthy.
56956 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
56957 When his work is done,
56958 the users say, "Amazing:
56959 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
56961 When the leaders speak of peace
56962 The common folk know
56964 When the leaders curse war
56965 The mobilization order is already written out.
56967 Every day, to earn my daily bread
56968 I go to the market where lies are bought
56970 I take my place among the sellers.
56971 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
56973 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
56974 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
56975 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
56976 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
56978 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
56981 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
56984 When the revolution comes, count your change.
56986 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
56987 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
56988 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
56990 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
56993 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
56997 When the sun shineth, make hay.
57000 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
57001 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
57002 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
57003 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
57004 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
57005 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
57007 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
57008 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
57009 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
57010 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
57011 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
57012 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
57013 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
57015 "Samuel," he mumbled.
57016 "And where're you from, Sam?"
57019 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
57023 When the wind is great, bow before it;
57024 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
57026 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
57027 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
57028 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
57030 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
57033 When things go well, expect something to
57034 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
57036 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
57037 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
57038 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
57039 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
57040 -- George Bernard Shaw
57042 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
57043 other user interfaces become ugly.
57044 When users see some programs as winners,
57045 other programs become lossage.
57047 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
57048 High level and assembler depend on each other.
57049 Double and float cast to each other.
57050 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
57051 While and until follow each other.
57054 programs without doing anything
57055 and teaches without saying anything.
57056 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
57057 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
57058 He has but doesn't possess,
57059 acts but doesn't expect.
57060 When his work is done, he deletes it.
57061 That is why it lasts forever.
57063 When we are planning for posterity,
57064 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
57067 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
57068 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
57069 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
57070 history of war have so few been led by so many.
57071 -- General James Gavin
57073 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
57075 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
57076 except our fingertips will have been singed.
57077 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
57079 When we write programs that "learn",
57080 it turns out we do and they don't.
57082 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
57083 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
57085 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
57086 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
57090 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
57091 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
57093 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
57094 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
57095 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
57099 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
57100 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
57103 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
57105 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
57107 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
57108 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
57109 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
57110 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
57111 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
57112 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
57113 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
57114 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
57115 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
57116 from, to torture and unsettle us?
57117 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
57119 When you become used to never being alone,
57120 you may consider yourself Americanized.
57122 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
57124 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
57127 When you dig another out of trouble,
57128 you've got a place to bury your own.
57130 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57132 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
57134 When you find yourself in danger,
57135 When you're threatened by a stranger,
57136 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
57138 There is one thing you should learn,
57139 When there is no one else to turn to,
57140 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
57141 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
57143 When you get what you want in your struggle for self
57144 And the world makes you king for a day,
57145 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
57146 And see what that man has to say.
57147 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
57148 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
57149 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
57150 Is the one staring back from the glass.
57151 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
57152 And call you a wonderful guy,
57153 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
57154 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
57155 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
57156 For he's with you clear up to the end,
57157 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
57158 If the man in the glass is your friend.
57159 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
57160 And get pats on the back as you pass,
57161 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
57162 If you've cheated the man in the glass.
57164 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
57165 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
57168 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
57170 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
57173 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
57174 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
57175 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
57177 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
57178 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
57179 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
57180 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
57183 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
57184 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
57186 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
57187 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
57188 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
57190 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
57191 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
57192 know the answer either.
57193 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
57195 When you live in a sick society,
57196 just about everything you do is wrong.
57198 When you make your mark in the world,
57199 watch out for guys with erasers.
57200 -- The Wall Street Journal
57202 When you meet a master swordsman,
57203 show him your sword.
57204 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
57205 do not show him your poem.
57206 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
57208 When you overesteem great hackers,
57209 more users become cretins.
57210 When you develop encryption,
57211 more users become crackers.
57214 by emptying user's minds
57215 and increasing their quotas,
57216 by weakening their ambition
57217 and toughening their resolve.
57218 When users lack knowledge and desire,
57219 management will not try to interfere.
57221 Practice not-looping,
57222 and everything will fall into place.
57224 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
57225 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
57226 -- Otto von Bismarck
57228 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
57229 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
57231 When you try to make an impression, the
57232 chances are that is the impression you will make.
57234 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
57236 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
57237 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
57239 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
57240 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
57241 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
57243 When your memory goes, forget it!
57245 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
57249 You're a Yup all the way
57250 From your first slice of Brie
57251 To your last Cabernet.
57254 You're not just a dreamer
57255 You're making things happen
57256 You're driving a Beamer.
57258 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
57259 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
57260 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
57261 I feel the same when you are hear.
57262 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
57264 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
57265 -- David Pryce-Jones
57267 When you're dining out and you suspect
57268 something's wrong, you're probably right.
57270 When you're down and out, lift up your
57271 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
57273 When you're in command, command.
57276 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
57277 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
57278 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
57279 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
57281 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
57283 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
57285 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
57286 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
57287 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57289 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
57290 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
57291 to become a parrot or something.
57292 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
57294 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
57297 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
57298 to spend their weekends with?
57301 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
57303 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
57304 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
57307 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
57308 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
57309 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
57312 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
57315 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
57316 We people on the pavement looked at him:
57317 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
57318 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
57319 And he was always quietly arrayed,
57320 And he was always human when he talked;
57321 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
57322 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
57323 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
57324 And admirably schooled in every grace:
57325 In fine, we thought that he was everything
57326 To make us wish that we were in his place.
57327 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
57328 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
57329 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
57330 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
57331 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
57333 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
57334 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
57336 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
57337 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
57338 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
57340 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
57342 Whenever you find that you are on the
57343 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
57346 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
57347 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
57348 and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons.
57349 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
57351 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
57353 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
57355 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
57356 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
57357 When it's converted to energy?
57358 There is a slight loss of parity.
57359 Johnny's so long at the fair.
57361 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
57364 Where do you go to get anorexia?
57367 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
57368 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
57369 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
57371 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
57374 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
57375 examine the laws of heat.
57376 -- Christopher Morley
57378 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
57379 Why did you leave me here all alone?
57380 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
57381 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
57383 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
57384 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
57385 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
57386 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
57389 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
57391 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
57393 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
57394 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
57396 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
57399 Where there's a whip there's a way.
57401 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
57403 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
57405 Where will it all end?
57406 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
57408 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
57409 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
57411 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
57414 Where's the man could ease a heart
57416 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
57418 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
57419 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
57422 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
57423 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
57424 Go on, do not rest.
57425 -- An old Gujarati hymn
57427 Whether you can hear it or not
57428 The Universe is laughing behind your back
57429 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
57431 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
57433 Which would you rather have, a bursting
57434 planet or an earthquake here and there?
57435 -- John Joseph Lynch
57437 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
57438 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
57440 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
57441 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
57442 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
57443 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
57444 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
57445 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
57446 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
57449 While having never invented a sin,
57450 I'm trying to perfect several.
57452 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
57453 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
57454 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
57455 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
57456 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
57457 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
57458 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
57460 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
57461 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
57462 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
57464 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57465 referring to hardware interrupts.]
57467 And now I see with eye serene
57468 The very pulse of the machine.
57469 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
57471 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
57472 referring to software interrupts.]
57474 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
57475 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
57476 -- Edward Stevenson
57478 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
57479 lets you choose your own form of misery.
57481 While most peoples' opinions change,
57482 the conviction of their correctness never does.
57484 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
57485 held a gun to his head.
57486 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
57487 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
57488 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
57489 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
57490 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
57491 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
57493 While there's life, there's hope.
57494 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
57496 While walking down a crowded
57497 City street the other day,
57498 I heard a little urchin
57499 To a comrade turn and say,
57500 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
57501 I'd be happy as a clam
57502 If only I was de feller dat
57503 Me mudder t'inks I am.
57505 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
57506 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
57507 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
57508 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
57509 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
57510 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
57511 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
57512 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
57513 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
57515 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
57518 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
57519 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
57521 While you recently had your problems on the run,
57522 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
57524 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
57525 safe, for you can watch both of his.
57526 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57528 Whip it, whip it good!
57531 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
57533 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
57535 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
57537 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
57538 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
57539 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
57542 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
57547 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
57548 ...they might want to cut it out...
57550 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
57551 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
57555 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
57558 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
57559 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
57561 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
57564 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
57565 Remains a fool his whole life long.
57566 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
57568 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
57571 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
57574 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
57578 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
57580 Who loves me will also love my dog.
57583 Who loves not wisely but too well
57584 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
57585 But he whose love is thin and wise
57586 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
57589 Who made the world I cannot tell;
57590 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
57591 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
57592 I never soiled with such a deed.
57595 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
57597 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
57599 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
57600 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
57602 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
57603 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
57605 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
57606 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
57609 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
57611 Who was that masked man?
57613 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
57615 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
57617 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
57618 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
57620 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
57622 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
57625 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
57626 pure in heart can make a good soup.
57627 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
57629 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
57631 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
57634 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
57636 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
57638 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
57643 Who's scruffy-looking?
57646 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
57647 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
57649 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
57652 Why are programmers non-productive?
57653 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
57655 Why are programmers rebellious?
57656 Because the management interferes too much.
57658 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
57659 Because they are burnt out.
57661 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
57662 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
57664 "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
57665 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
57668 Why are you so hard to ignore?
57670 Why are you watching
57671 The washing machine?
57672 I love entertainment
57673 So long as it's clean.
57675 Professor Doberman:
57676 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
57677 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
57678 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
57679 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
57680 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
57681 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
57682 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
57683 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
57684 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
57685 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
57688 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
57691 Why be a man when you can be a success?
57694 Why be difficult, when, with just a
57695 little more effort, you can be impossible?
57697 Why bother building anymore nuclear
57698 warheads until we use the ones we have?
57700 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
57702 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
57703 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
57705 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
57708 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
57709 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
57710 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
57713 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
57714 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
57716 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
57717 It's quite uncanny.
57719 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
57721 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
57723 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
57725 Why do we want intelligent terminals
57726 when there are so many stupid users?
57728 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
57731 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
57733 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
57734 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
57735 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
57737 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
57740 New Jersey had first choice.
57742 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
57745 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
57747 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
57749 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
57750 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
57751 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
57752 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
57754 -- The Best of Will Rogers
57756 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
57757 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
57759 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
57763 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57765 I'd LOVE to, but...
57766 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
57767 -- None of my socks match.
57768 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
57769 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
57770 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
57771 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
57772 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
57773 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
57774 named Basil Metabolism.
57775 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
57776 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
57777 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
57778 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
57779 -- I feel a song coming on.
57781 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57783 I'd LOVE to, but...
57784 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
57785 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
57786 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
57787 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
57788 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
57789 -- My subconscious says no.
57790 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
57791 can't seem to put it down.
57792 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
57793 -- I have to study for my blood test.
57794 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
57795 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
57796 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
57798 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57800 I'd LOVE to, but...
57801 -- I have to floss my cat.
57802 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57803 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57804 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57805 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
57806 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57807 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57808 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57809 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57810 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57812 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57814 I'd LOVE to, but...
57815 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
57816 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
57817 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
57818 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
57819 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
57820 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
57821 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
57822 -- I have to bleach my hare.
57823 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
57824 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
57826 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57828 I'd LOVE to, but...
57829 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57830 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57831 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
57832 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
57833 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
57834 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
57835 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
57836 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
57837 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
57838 -- My crayons all melted together.
57840 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
57842 I'd LOVE to, but ...
57843 -- I have to floss my cat.
57844 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
57845 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
57846 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
57847 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
57848 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
57849 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
57850 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
57851 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
57852 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
57853 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
57854 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
57856 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
57858 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
57860 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
57861 It is because we are not the person involved.
57864 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
57867 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
57870 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
57871 way to prove how much she means to me?
57873 "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
57874 you knowing nothing?"
57875 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
57877 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
57879 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
57881 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
57882 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
57883 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
57884 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
57885 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
57886 I can't think why not.
57887 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
57888 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
57890 Why not go out on a limb?
57891 Isn't that where the fruit is?
57893 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
57894 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
57895 children open their old-fashioned presents.
57897 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
57899 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
57900 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
57902 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
57903 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
57904 and I get this cretin TOP?"
57906 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
57908 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
57910 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
57911 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57913 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
57914 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
57916 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
57919 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
57920 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
57921 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
57922 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
57923 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
57924 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
57925 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
57926 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
57927 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
57928 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
57929 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
57930 eternity for his faithlessness.
57931 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
57932 Fortnightly Review, 1876
57934 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
57937 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
57939 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
57940 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
57941 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
57942 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
57945 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
57946 -- The Tasmanian Devil
57949 Government expands to absorb all
57950 available revenue and then some.
57953 A pat on the back is only a few
57954 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
57956 Will Rogers never met you.
57958 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
57959 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
57961 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
57962 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
57965 Williams and Holland's Law:
57966 If enough data is collected,
57967 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
57969 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
57970 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
57971 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
57972 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
57974 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
57975 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
57976 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
57977 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
57979 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
57980 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
57981 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
57982 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
57983 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
57985 Wilner's Observation:
57986 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
57988 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
57991 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
57993 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
57994 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
57995 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
57998 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
58001 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
58002 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
58004 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
58005 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
58006 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
58008 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
58011 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
58013 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
58017 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
58019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58021 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
58022 try to be a fraud and a half.
58023 -- Otto von Bismarck
58025 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
58026 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
58028 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
58029 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
58031 With all the talent around, it's sort of
58032 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
58033 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
58035 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
58037 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
58038 they make a law it's a joke.
58041 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
58042 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
58043 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
58044 is no such thing as progress.
58047 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
58048 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
58051 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
58053 With reasonable men I will reason;
58054 with humane men I will plead;
58055 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
58056 -- William Lloyd Garrison
58058 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
58059 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
58060 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
58061 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
58063 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
58064 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
58066 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
58067 the city and forty on the highway."
58069 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
58070 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
58071 close. Like catching snakes.
58074 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
58076 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
58077 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
58078 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
58079 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
58080 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
58081 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
58082 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
58083 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
58084 White House's National Security Council, Washington
58085 Post, 21 March, 1982
58087 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
58088 -- Alfred North Whitehead
58090 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
58091 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
58092 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
58093 important to him than his table or his white robe.
58094 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
58096 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
58098 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
58100 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
58102 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
58103 without intelligence love is not enough.
58106 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
58109 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
58110 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
58111 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
58112 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
58114 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
58115 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
58116 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
58119 A man who knows all the ankles.
58122 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
58123 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
58126 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
58127 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
58129 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
58132 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
58133 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
58136 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
58137 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
58138 I shall be sober in the morning.
58140 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
58141 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
58142 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
58143 that he might love her.
58146 Woman would be more charming if one could
58147 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
58150 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
58153 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
58154 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
58155 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
58156 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
58157 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
58158 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
58159 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
58162 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
58163 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
58166 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
58167 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
58168 marriage certificates, and defy you.
58171 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
58172 from charity, or revenge?
58173 -- Gustave Vapereau
58175 Women are just like men, only different.
58177 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
58178 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
58181 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
58184 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
58187 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
58190 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
58193 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
58194 but it takes more of them to do it.
58196 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
58199 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
58200 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
58203 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
58204 as good as any other.
58205 -- Philippe De Remi
58207 Women give themselves to God when the
58208 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
58211 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
58212 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
58215 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
58216 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
58219 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
58220 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
58221 original earth clinging to the roots.
58224 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
58225 than men who reason with the head.
58228 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
58229 but never a man who misses one.
58230 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
58232 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
58233 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
58236 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
58237 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
58238 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
58241 Women waste men's lives and think they have
58242 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
58245 Women, when they are not in love, have all
58246 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
58249 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
58250 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
58253 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
58255 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
58256 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
58257 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
58260 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
58262 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
58263 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
58265 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
58266 and philosophy begins in wonder.
58267 Socrates, quoting Plato
58270 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
58272 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
58273 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
58274 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
58275 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
58276 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
58277 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
58280 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
58281 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
58282 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
58283 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
58284 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
58285 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
58286 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
58287 although their insurance rates went way up.
58288 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58291 A theory is better than its explanation.
58293 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
58294 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
58295 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
58296 -- Cheers, Airport V
58298 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
58299 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
58300 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
58303 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
58304 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
58306 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
58307 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
58308 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
58310 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
58311 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
58312 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
58314 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
58315 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
58316 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
58318 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
58319 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
58320 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58322 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
58323 swallowed the canary.
58324 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
58325 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
58327 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
58328 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
58329 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
58331 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
58332 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
58333 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
58335 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
58336 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
58337 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
58339 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58340 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
58341 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
58343 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
58345 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
58346 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
58347 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
58349 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
58350 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
58351 -- Cheers, The Proposal
58353 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
58354 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
58355 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
58357 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
58358 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
58359 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
58361 Sam: How's life treating you?
58362 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
58363 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
58365 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
58366 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
58368 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
58369 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
58371 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
58372 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
58373 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
58375 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
58376 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
58377 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58379 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
58380 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
58381 Eh, make that one-thirty.
58382 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
58384 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
58385 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
58386 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
58388 Words are the voice of the heart.
58390 Words can never express what words can never express.
58392 Words have a longer life than deeds.
58395 Words must be weighed, not counted.
58398 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
58399 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
58401 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
58402 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
58405 Work continues in this area.
58406 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
58408 Work expands to fill the time available.
58409 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
58411 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
58412 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
58414 -- Bertrand Russell
58416 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
58419 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
58422 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
58423 a handshake, and have fun.
58424 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
58425 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
58427 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
58428 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
58429 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
58430 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
58431 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
58434 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
58436 Work without a vision is slavery,
58437 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
58438 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
58440 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
58443 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
58445 -- Christopher Plummer
58447 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
58448 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
58449 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
58450 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
58451 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
58452 error in the world."
58455 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
58458 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
58459 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
58461 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
58462 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
58463 -- Steve Rubenstein
58465 Worst Month of the Year:
58466 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
58467 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
58468 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
58469 -- Steve Rubenstein
58471 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
58472 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
58473 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
58474 damage my videotapes?"
58476 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
58477 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
58478 -- Steve Rubenstein
58481 Yes, but not worth going to see.
58484 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
58485 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
58486 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
58487 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
58495 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
58496 -- Princess Leia Organa
58498 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
58501 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
58503 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
58506 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
58508 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
58510 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
58512 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
58514 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
58515 trial testimony, 1947
58517 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
58520 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
58521 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
58524 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
58526 -- "Broadcast News"
58528 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
58531 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
58534 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
58536 write-protect tab, n:
58537 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
58538 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
58539 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
58543 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
58544 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
58545 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
58546 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
58547 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
58548 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
58549 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
58550 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
58551 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
58552 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
58553 is itself the one hope for salvation.
58554 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
58556 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
58559 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
58561 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
58562 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
58565 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
58568 Writing software is more fun than working.
58572 "Wrong," said Renner.
58574 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
58575 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
58578 What You See Is What You Get.
58581 Accept any substitute.
58582 If it's broke, don't fix it.
58583 If it ain't broke, fix it.
58584 Form follows malfunction.
58585 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
58586 The trailing edge of software technology.
58587 Armageddon never looked so good.
58588 Japan's secret weapon.
58589 You'll envy the dead.
58590 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
58591 Let it get in YOUR way.
58592 The problem for your problem.
58593 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
58594 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
58595 Simplicity made complex.
58596 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
58597 Flakey and built to stay that way.
58599 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
58603 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
58604 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
58605 Built to take on the world... and lose!
58606 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
58607 Power tools for Power Fools.
58608 Putting new limits on productivity.
58609 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
58610 Design by counterexample.
58611 A new level of software disintegration.
58612 No hardware is safe.
58614 Rationalization, not realization.
58615 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
58616 Gratuitous incompatibility.
58618 THE user interference management system.
58619 You can't argue with failure.
58620 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
58622 The environment of today... tomorrow!
58626 Something you can be ashamed of.
58627 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
58628 The first fully modular software disaster.
58629 Rome was destroyed in a day.
58630 Warn your friends about it.
58631 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
58632 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
58633 Don't wait for the movie.
58634 Never use it after a big meal.
58636 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
58637 It'll make your day.
58638 Don't get frustrated without it.
58639 Power tools for power losers.
58640 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
58641 Never had it. Never will.
58642 The software with no visible means of support.
58643 More than just a generation behind.
58645 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
58649 The ultimate bottleneck.
58650 Flawed beyond belief.
58651 The only thing you have to fear.
58652 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
58653 On autopilot to oblivion.
58654 The joke that kills.
58655 A disgrace you can be proud of.
58656 A mistake carried out to perfection.
58657 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
58658 To err is X windows.
58659 Ignorance is our most important resource.
58660 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
58661 Built to fall apart.
58662 Nullifying centuries of progress.
58663 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
58664 The last thing you need.
58665 The defacto substandard.
58667 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
58671 We will dump no core before its time.
58672 One good crash deserves another.
58673 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
58675 It didn't even look good on paper.
58676 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
58677 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
58678 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
58679 It could happen to you.
58680 The art of incompetence.
58681 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
58682 When uselessness just isn't enough.
58683 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
58684 When you can't afford to be right.
58685 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
58687 If it works, it isn't X windows.
58690 You'd better sit down.
58691 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
58692 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
58693 Live the nightmare.
58694 Our bugs run faster.
58695 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
58696 There ARE no rules.
58697 You'll wish we were kidding.
58698 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
58699 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
58700 There's got to be a better way.
58701 The next best thing to keypunching.
58702 Leave the thrashing to us.
58703 We wrote the book on core dumps.
58704 Even your dog won't like it.
58705 More than enough rope.
58706 Garbage at your fingertips.
58708 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
58711 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
58713 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
58715 XEROX never does anything original.
58718 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
58719 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
58720 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
58721 the managers would fly off.
58723 It costs a lot to build bad products.
58725 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
58726 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
58727 intermingle the two.
58729 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
58730 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
58731 of every airplane's weight.
58733 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
58734 and two-thirds of the problems.
58735 -- Norman Augustine
58738 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
58739 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
58740 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
58743 The more one produces, the less one gets.
58745 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
58747 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
58749 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
58750 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
58751 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
58753 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
58754 unexpected should have been expected.
58756 A billion saved is a billion earned.
58757 -- Norman Augustine
58760 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
58761 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
58763 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
58764 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
58765 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
58766 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
58768 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
58770 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
58771 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
58772 as long as the official's who created it.
58774 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
58775 government workers than there are workers.
58777 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
58778 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
58779 -- Norman Augustine
58781 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
58784 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
58786 -- XML guru Chris Maden
58788 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
58789 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
58792 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
58793 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
58794 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
58795 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
58797 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
58798 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
58800 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
58801 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
58802 ten degradation accomplished.
58804 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
58805 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
58807 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
58808 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
58809 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
58810 -- Norman Augustine
58813 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
58815 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
58816 not selling advice.
58818 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
58819 currently estimated.
58821 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
58822 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
58823 costly action known to man.
58825 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
58826 or a new canvas to an artist.
58827 -- Norman Augustine
58830 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
58831 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
58833 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
58835 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
58837 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
58838 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
58839 hang on about half a decade.
58841 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
58842 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
58843 -- Norman Augustine
58846 The optimum committee has no members.
58848 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
58849 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
58851 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
58853 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
58854 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
58857 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
58858 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
58859 the data authenticity.
58860 -- Norman Augustine
58863 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
58864 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
58865 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
58866 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
58868 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
58869 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
58871 The early bird gets the worm.
58872 The early worm ... gets eaten.
58874 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
58875 the year -- in either direction.
58877 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
58878 -- Norman Augustine
58880 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
58882 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
58883 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
58884 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
58885 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
58886 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
58887 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
58889 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
58890 rays and became a tangent ?
58892 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
58893 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
58895 Yea from the table of my memory
58896 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
58899 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
58900 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
58901 operators together.
58904 "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
58906 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
58908 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
58909 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
58911 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
58912 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
58916 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
58917 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
58920 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58922 Year Name James Bond Book
58923 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
58924 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
58925 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
58926 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
58927 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
58928 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
58929 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
58930 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
58931 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
58932 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
58933 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
58934 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
58935 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
58936 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
58937 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58938 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
58939 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
58940 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
58941 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
58942 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
58945 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
58946 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
58948 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
58950 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
58952 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
58955 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
58956 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
58959 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
58960 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
58961 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
58962 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
58963 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
58964 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
58965 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
58967 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
58968 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
58969 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
58971 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
58973 -- George Michaelson
58975 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
58976 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
58977 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
58980 Yesterday upon the stair
58981 I met a man who wasn't there.
58982 He wasn't there again today --
58983 I think he's from the CIA.
58985 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
58986 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
58987 I'm not respectable.
58988 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
58990 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
58994 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
58995 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
58998 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
58999 hoping no one will notice.
59000 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
59002 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
59004 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
59005 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
59007 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
59009 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
59011 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
59012 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
59013 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
59014 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
59016 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
59018 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
59021 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
59024 You are always busy.
59026 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
59028 You are an insult to my intelligence!
59029 I demand that you log off immediately.
59031 You are as I am with You.
59033 You are capable of planning your future.
59035 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
59037 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
59039 You are destined to become the commandant of the
59040 fighting men of the department of transportation.
59042 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
59044 You are fairminded, just and loving.
59046 You are false data.
59048 You are farsighted, a good planner,
59049 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
59051 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
59053 You are going to have a new love affair.
59064 But you're not all there.
59066 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
59068 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
59070 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
59072 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
59074 You are loved by the multitudes.
59075 Have you been to the clinic lately?
59077 You are magnetic in your bearing.
59079 You are never given a wish without also being given the
59080 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
59082 "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
59084 You are not a fool just because you have done
59085 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
59087 You are not dead yet.
59088 But watch for further reports.
59090 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
59091 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
59092 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
59095 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
59096 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
59098 You are number 6! Who is number one?
59100 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
59101 "All your papers these days look the same;
59102 Those William's would be better unread --
59103 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
59105 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
59106 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
59107 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
59108 Made it pointless to think any more."
59110 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
59111 "And your hair has become very white;
59112 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
59113 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
59115 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
59116 "I feared it might injure the brain;
59117 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
59118 Why, I do it again and again."
59121 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
59122 That your lectures bore people to death.
59123 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
59124 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
59126 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
59127 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
59128 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59129 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
59131 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
59132 For anything tougher than suet;
59133 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
59134 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
59136 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
59137 And argued each case with my wife;
59138 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
59139 Has lasted the rest of my life."
59142 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
59143 And there isn't one language you like;
59144 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
59145 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
59147 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
59148 "Every language looks equally bad;
59149 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
59150 And don't realize that they've been had."
59152 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59153 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
59154 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
59155 Pray what is the reason of that?"
59157 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
59158 "I kept all my limbs very supple
59159 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
59160 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
59163 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
59164 And make errors few people could bear;
59165 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
59166 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
59168 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
59169 "But my stature these days is so great
59170 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
59171 And to stop me it's now far too late."
59173 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
59174 That your eye was as steady as ever;
59175 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
59176 What made you so awfully clever?"
59178 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
59179 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
59180 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
59181 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
59184 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
59186 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
59187 Therefore you have few friends.
59189 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
59190 I like that in a person.
59192 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
59194 "You are *so* lovely."
59196 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
59198 You are standing on my toes.
59200 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
59202 You are the only person to ever get this message.
59204 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
59205 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
59206 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
59207 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
59208 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
59209 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
59210 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
59211 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
59212 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
59213 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
59214 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
59215 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
59216 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
59217 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
59219 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
59220 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
59221 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
59223 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
59224 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
59226 You ask what a nice girl will do?
59227 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
59228 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
59230 You attempt things that you do not even plan
59231 because of your extreme stupidity.
59235 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
59236 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
59237 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
59239 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
59241 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
59242 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
59243 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
59244 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
59245 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
59246 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
59247 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
59248 than a twenty-dollar bill.
59249 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
59251 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
59254 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
59256 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
59257 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
59258 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
59259 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
59260 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
59261 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
59262 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
59264 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
59265 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
59267 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
59269 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
59270 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
59272 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
59273 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
59274 -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
59276 You can be replaced by this computer.
59278 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
59279 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
59281 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
59282 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
59283 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
59285 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
59286 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
59287 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
59288 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
59291 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
59294 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
59295 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
59296 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
59297 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
59298 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
59299 -- The Palindromist
59301 You can create your own opportunities this week.
59302 Blackmail a senior executive.
59304 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
59307 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
59308 Why do you find that funny?
59309 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
59311 You can do very well in speculation where
59312 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
59314 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
59316 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
59317 and the budget is big enough.
59318 -- Joseph E. Levine
59320 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
59321 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
59323 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
59324 and all of the people some of the time,
59325 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
59327 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
59328 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
59330 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
59332 You can get everything in life you want,
59333 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
59335 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
59336 can with just a kind word.
59339 You can get much further with a kind word and a
59340 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
59342 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
59344 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
59346 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
59348 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
59349 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
59351 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
59352 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
59354 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
59355 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
59358 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
59359 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
59362 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
59363 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
59367 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
59368 Don't ever count on having both at once.
59371 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
59374 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
59376 -- Franklin P. Jones
59378 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
59380 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
59381 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
59384 You can move the world with an idea,
59385 but you have to think of it first.
59387 You can never do just one thing.
59390 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
59392 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
59393 -- Jeannette Rankin
59395 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
59396 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
59398 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
59399 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
59401 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
59402 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
59404 You can now buy more gates with less
59405 specifications than at any other time in history.
59408 You can observe a lot just by watching.
59411 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
59413 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
59415 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
59416 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
59417 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
59420 You can tell how far we have to go,
59421 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
59424 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
59427 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
59429 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
59430 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
59432 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
59433 I've got to have thirty minutes!
59435 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
59437 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
59438 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
59441 You cannot have a science without measurement.
59444 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
59446 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
59448 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
59451 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
59454 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
59456 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
59458 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
59460 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
59461 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
59464 You can't cheat the phone company.
59466 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
59468 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
59469 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
59471 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
59474 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
59477 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
59478 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
59479 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
59480 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
59481 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
59483 You can't fall off the floor.
59485 You can't get there from here.
59487 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
59489 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
59492 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
59495 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
59496 -- Booker T. Washington
59498 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
59500 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
59502 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
59503 only sooner than she thought you would.
59505 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
59506 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
59507 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
59509 "You can't make a program without broken egos."
59511 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
59513 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
59514 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
59516 You can't push on a string.
59518 You can't run away forever,
59519 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
59520 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
59522 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
59526 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
59527 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
59530 "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
59531 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
59534 You can't take damsel here now.
59536 You can't take it with you --
59537 especially when crossing a state line.
59539 You can't teach people to be lazy --
59540 either they have it, or they don't.
59541 -- Dagwood Bumstead
59543 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
59544 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
59546 You climb to reach the summit, but once
59547 there, discover that all roads lead down.
59548 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
59550 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
59551 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
59553 You could live a better life, if you
59554 had a better mind and a better body.
59556 You couldn't even prove the White House
59557 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
59558 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
59560 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
59564 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
59566 You do not have mail.
59568 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
59570 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
59571 if you're not planning on coming back down.
59572 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
59574 You don't have to explain something you never said.
59577 You don't have to know how the computer
59578 works, just how to work the computer.
59580 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
59583 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
59586 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
59587 reason to eat with knitting needles.
59588 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
59590 You enjoy the company of other people.
59592 You feel a whole lot more like you do
59593 now than you did when you used to.
59595 You fill a much-needed gap.
59597 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
59598 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
59599 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
59600 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
59601 names. Here's the complete text:
59603 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
59604 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
59605 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
59606 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
59607 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
59608 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
59609 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
59610 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
59612 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
59613 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
59615 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
59617 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
59618 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
59619 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
59621 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
59623 You get what you pay for.
59626 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
59627 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
59630 You go down to the pickup station,
59631 craving warmth and beauty;
59632 You settle for less than fascination --
59633 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
59634 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
59635 on this strange new flesh you've found --
59636 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
59637 you hurry to the blackness
59638 and the blankets to lay down an impression
59639 and your loneliness.
59642 You got to be very careful if you don't know
59643 where you're going, because you might not get there.
59646 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
59647 And you know it don't come easy ...
59648 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
59649 And you know it don't come easy ...
59651 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
59653 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
59655 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
59658 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
59660 You had some happiness once,
59661 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
59663 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
59665 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
59667 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
59669 You have a message from the operator.
59671 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
59672 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
59674 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
59676 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
59678 You have a strong desire for a home
59679 and your family interests come first.
59681 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
59683 You have a truly strong individuality.
59685 You have a will that can be influenced
59686 by all with whom you come in contact.
59688 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
59690 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
59692 You are permanently confused.
59695 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
59698 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
59699 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
59702 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
59704 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
59706 You have an unusual equipment for success.
59707 Be sure to use it properly.
59709 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
59710 metal objects which are not fastened down.
59712 You have an unusual understanding of
59713 the problems of human relationships.
59715 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
59716 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
59718 You have been selected for a secret mission.
59720 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
59722 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
59724 You have junk mail.
59726 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
59730 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
59732 You have no real enemies.
59734 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
59735 -- John Viscount Morley
59737 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
59738 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
59740 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
59743 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
59744 You'll learn a lot today.
59746 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
59748 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
59749 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
59752 You humans are all alike.
59754 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
59755 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
59756 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
59758 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
59761 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
59762 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
59764 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
59767 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
59768 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
59769 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
59771 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
59774 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
59775 you people are all going to owe me big.
59778 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
59779 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
59781 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
59782 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
59785 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
59788 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
59789 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
59790 You play around you lose your wife,
59791 You play too long, you lose your life.
59792 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
59793 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
59795 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
59797 -- M. Somerset Maugham
59799 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
59800 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
59801 like that all the time.
59804 You know, the difference between this company and
59805 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
59807 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
59808 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
59809 you can always change the channel.
59812 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
59813 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
59816 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
59817 and I had my hands about it.
59818 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
59820 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
59824 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
59825 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
59826 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
59827 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
59828 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
59830 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
59833 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
59834 -- S. Rickly Christian
59836 You know your apartment is small...
59837 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
59838 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
59839 you have to go outside to change your mind.
59840 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
59842 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
59843 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
59845 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
59846 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
59847 mother is allowed to take.
59849 You know you're in a small town when...
59850 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
59851 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
59852 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
59853 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
59854 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
59855 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
59856 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
59858 You know you're in trouble when...
59859 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
59860 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
59861 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
59863 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
59864 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
59865 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
59866 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
59868 You know you're in trouble when...
59869 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
59870 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
59871 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
59872 and there aren't any.
59873 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
59874 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
59875 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
59876 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
59878 You know you're in trouble when...
59879 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
59881 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
59882 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
59883 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
59884 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
59885 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
59886 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
59887 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
59889 You know you're in trouble when...
59890 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
59891 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
59892 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
59893 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
59894 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
59895 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
59896 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
59897 after you bought a waterbed.
59898 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
59899 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
59902 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
59903 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
59904 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
59905 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
59907 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
59908 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
59910 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
59912 You learn to write as if to someone else
59913 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
59915 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
59917 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
59918 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
59919 -- Remington Steele
59921 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
59927 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
59929 You may already be a loser.
59930 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
59932 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
59933 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
59935 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
59936 but you're infinitely larger than others.
59938 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
59940 You may be right, I may be crazy,
59941 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
59944 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
59945 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
59948 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
59949 That a young man married is a young man marred.
59950 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
59952 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
59956 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
59958 You may have heard that a dean is
59959 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
59962 You may my glories and my state dispose,
59963 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
59964 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
59966 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
59967 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
59969 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
59972 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
59973 making lots of little phone companies?
59975 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
59976 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
59977 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
59978 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
59979 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
59981 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
59982 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
59983 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
59984 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
59986 You might have mail.
59988 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
59989 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
59990 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
59993 You must dine in our cafeteria.
59994 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
59996 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
59997 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
59998 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
59999 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
60000 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
60001 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
60002 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
60003 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
60004 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
60006 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
60007 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
60008 are merely deputies of that one.
60011 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
60012 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
60014 You need more time; and you probably always will.
60016 You need no longer worry about the future.
60017 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
60019 You need not worry about your future.
60021 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
60022 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
60023 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
60025 -- Charles A. Beard
60027 You never gain something but that you lose something.
60030 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
60032 You never go anywhere without your soul.
60034 You never have to change anything you
60035 got up in the middle of the night to write.
60038 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
60040 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
60043 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
60046 You never learned anything by doing it right.
60048 You never realize how many friends you
60049 have until you rent a house at the beach.
60051 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
60052 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
60053 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
60054 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
60055 guys were getting stoned!
60058 You now have Asian Flu.
60060 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
60061 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
60062 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
60064 -- J. Wellington Wells
60066 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
60068 You plan things that you do not even
60069 attempt because of your extreme caution.
60071 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
60073 You prefer the company of the opposite
60074 sex, but are well liked by your own.
60076 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
60077 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
60080 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
60082 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
60083 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
60091 Let's go be the Vice President...
60093 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
60095 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
60096 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
60097 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
60098 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
60099 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
60100 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
60101 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
60102 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
60103 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
60104 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
60105 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
60106 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
60110 You see things; and you say "Why?"
60111 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
60112 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
60113 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
60115 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
60116 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
60117 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
60118 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
60120 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
60122 You seek to shield those you love
60123 and you like the role of the provider.
60125 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
60127 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
60130 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
60132 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
60135 You should go home.
60137 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
60138 incest and folk-dancing.
60139 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
60141 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
60143 -- Ernest Rutherford
60145 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
60146 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
60147 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
60149 You should never wear your best trousers
60150 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
60153 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
60154 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
60155 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
60156 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
60157 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
60158 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
60159 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
60160 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
60162 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
60163 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
60164 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
60165 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
60166 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
60167 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
60168 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
60169 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
60170 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
60171 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
60173 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
60175 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
60177 "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
60178 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
60179 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
60181 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
60182 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
60184 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
60185 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
60188 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
60190 You teach best what you most need to learn.
60192 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
60194 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
60196 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
60197 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
60198 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
60200 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
60201 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
60202 make really big Zorkmids."
60204 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
60205 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
60207 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
60209 You too can wear a nose mitten.
60211 You tread upon my patience.
60212 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
60214 You two ought to be more careful--
60215 your love could drag on for years and years.
60217 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
60218 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
60221 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
60223 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
60225 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
60227 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
60229 You will be advanced socially,
60230 without any special effort on your part.
60232 You will be aided greatly by a person
60233 whom you thought to be unimportant.
60235 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
60236 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
60238 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
60240 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
60242 You will be awarded some great honor.
60244 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
60246 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
60248 You will be dead within a year.
60250 You will be divorced within a year.
60252 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
60254 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
60256 You will be honored for contributing
60257 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
60259 You will be imprisoned for contributing
60260 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
60262 You will be married within a year.
60264 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
60266 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
60268 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
60270 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
60272 You will be run over by a beer truck.
60274 You will be run over by a bus.
60276 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
60278 You will be successful in love.
60280 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
60282 You will be surrounded by luxury.
60284 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
60286 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
60288 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
60290 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
60292 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
60294 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
60296 You will contract a rare disease.
60298 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
60300 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
60302 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
60304 You will find me drinking gin
60305 In the lowest kind of inn,
60306 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
60307 -- G. K. Chesterton
60309 You will forget that you ever knew me.
60311 You will gain money by a fattening action.
60313 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
60315 You will gain money by an illegal action.
60317 You will gain money by an immoral action.
60319 You will get what you deserve.
60321 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
60323 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
60325 You will have a long and boring life.
60327 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
60329 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
60331 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
60333 You will have long and healthy life.
60335 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
60337 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
60339 You will inherit millions of dollars.
60341 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
60343 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
60345 You will live to see your grandchildren.
60347 You will lose an important disk file.
60349 You will lose an important tape file.
60351 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
60352 mayonnaise salesman.
60354 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
60356 You will never amount to much.
60357 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
60359 You will never know hunger.
60361 You will not be elected to public office this year.
60363 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
60365 You will outgrow your usefulness.
60367 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
60369 You will pass away very quickly.
60371 You will pay for your sins.
60372 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
60374 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
60376 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
60378 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
60380 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
60382 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
60384 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
60385 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
60386 the butter upon a hot day.
60389 You will soon forget this.
60391 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
60393 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
60395 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
60396 but only because your brakes are defective.
60398 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
60400 You will triumph over your enemy.
60402 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
60404 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
60406 You will wish you hadn't.
60408 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
60411 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
60413 You worry too much about your job.
60414 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
60416 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
60417 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
60418 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
60419 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
60420 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
60421 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
60422 yourself in this way."
60423 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
60425 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
60427 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
60428 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
60429 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
60431 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
60432 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
60436 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
60437 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
60439 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
60442 What you always were,
60443 Which has nothing to do with,
60444 All to do, with her.
60447 You'll be called to a post requiring
60448 ability in handling groups of people.
60452 You'll feel devilish tonight.
60453 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
60455 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
60457 You'll never be the man your mother was!
60459 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
60460 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
60462 You'll wish that you had done some of the
60463 hard things when they were easier to do.
60465 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
60466 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
60467 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
60468 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
60469 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
60470 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
60471 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
60472 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
60473 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
60474 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
60475 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
60476 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
60477 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
60478 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
60479 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
60480 the defects of both.
60481 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
60483 Young men, hear an old man to whom
60484 old men hearkened when he was young.
60487 Young men think old men are fools;
60488 but old men know young men are fools.
60491 Your aim is high and to the right.
60493 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
60495 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
60496 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
60498 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
60499 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
60501 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
60503 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
60505 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
60507 Your business will assume vast proportions.
60509 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
60511 Your code should be more efficient!
60513 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
60515 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
60517 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
60520 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
60521 ...Here's How You Can Tell
60522 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
60523 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
60524 listed 10 signs to watch for:
60525 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
60526 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
60527 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
60528 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
60529 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
60530 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
60531 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
60532 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
60533 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
60534 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
60535 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
60536 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
60537 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
60539 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
60541 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
60543 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
60544 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
60545 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
60546 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
60547 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
60548 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
60549 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
60550 seconds if we felt like it.
60551 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
60553 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
60555 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
60557 Your fault - core dumped
60559 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
60562 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
60567 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
60568 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
60569 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
60570 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
60571 California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.
60573 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
60574 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
60575 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
60576 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
60577 other discover your good qualities without your help.
60582 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
60583 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
60584 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
60585 and you will live all the days of your life.
60587 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
60588 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
60589 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
60590 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
60591 miss two car payments.
60593 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
60594 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
60595 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
60596 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
60597 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
60603 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
60604 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
60605 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
60606 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
60607 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
60609 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
60610 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
60611 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
60612 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
60615 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
60616 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
60617 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
60618 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
60619 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
60620 than people who work standing up.
60622 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
60623 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
60624 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
60626 Your goose is cooked.
60627 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
60629 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
60631 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
60633 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
60635 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
60637 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
60639 Your love life will be... interesting.
60641 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
60643 Your lucky color has faded.
60645 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
60647 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
60648 Watch for it everywhere.
60650 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
60651 original and the part that is original is not good.
60654 Your mind is the part of you that says,
60655 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
60656 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
60657 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
60658 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
60660 Your mind understands what you have been
60661 taught; your heart, what is true.
60663 Your mode of life will be changed for
60664 the better because of good news soon.
60666 Your mode of life will be changed for
60667 the better because of new developments.
60669 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
60671 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
60673 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
60674 Face like ice, a little bit colder
60675 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
60676 You learned in school"
60677 But I don't really see
60678 Why can't we go on as three?
60679 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
60681 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
60682 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
60684 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
60686 Your object is to save the world,
60687 while still leading a pleasant life.
60689 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
60690 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
60691 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
60692 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
60693 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
60695 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
60697 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
60699 Your password is pitifully obvious.
60701 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
60703 Your present plans will be successful.
60705 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
60707 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
60709 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
60710 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
60711 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
60712 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
60714 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
60716 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
60718 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
60720 Your step will soil many countries.
60722 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
60724 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
60726 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
60727 be relieved in a surprising manner.
60729 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
60731 Your wig steers the gig.
60734 Your wise men don't know how it feels
60735 To be thick as a brick.
60736 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
60738 Your worship is your furnaces
60739 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
60740 have molten bowels; your vision is
60741 machines for making more machines.
60742 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
60744 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
60746 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
60747 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
60749 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
60750 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
60752 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
60753 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
60755 You're all clear now, kid.
60756 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
60759 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
60761 You're already carrying the sphere!
60763 You're always thinking you're gonna be
60764 the one that makes 'em act different.
60765 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
60767 You're at the end of the road again.
60769 You're at Witt's End.
60771 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
60773 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
60775 You're definitely on their list.
60776 The question to ask next is what list it is.
60778 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
60779 -- Eldridge Cleaver
60781 You're growing out of some of your problems,
60782 but there are others that you're growing into.
60784 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
60785 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
60788 You're never too old to become younger.
60791 You're not Dave. Who are you?
60793 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
60796 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
60798 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
60799 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
60801 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
60803 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
60805 You're working under a slight handicap.
60806 You happen to be human.
60808 Yours is not to reason why,
60810 And when you find you have to throw
60812 Remember life as was it is,
60814 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
60815 'Till silence is but a blur.
60818 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
60820 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
60821 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
60822 -- Robert F. Kennedy
60824 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
60826 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
60827 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
60829 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
60830 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
60832 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
60833 -- George Bernard Shaw
60835 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
60837 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
60838 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
60840 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
60843 You've been Berkeley'ed!
60845 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
60847 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
60848 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
60849 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
60851 "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
60854 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
60856 "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
60858 "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
60861 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
60862 (see also Computer).
60865 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
60867 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
60871 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
60874 The result of shutting down a production line.
60876 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
60877 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
60879 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
60882 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
60884 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
60885 since I first called my brother's father dad.
60886 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
60888 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
60889 People are always available for work in the past tense.
60891 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
60892 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
60893 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
60894 a camera for professional photographers
60897 In marketing: a small piece of a market over which you gain control and
60898 from which you go out to control other pieces of the market.
60899 In war: where soldiers die.
60901 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
60902 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
60903 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
60904 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
60906 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
60907 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
60908 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
60909 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
60911 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
60912 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
60913 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
60914 -- Theodore Roosevelt
60916 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
60917 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
60918 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
60919 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
60920 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
60922 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
60924 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
60925 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
60926 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
60927 use of this material.
60928 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
60929 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
60930 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
60932 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
60933 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
60936 The operation completed successfully.
60938 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
60939 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
60941 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
60942 given proper legal counsel.
60946 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
60947 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
60948 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
60949 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
60950 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
60951 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
60952 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
60953 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
60954 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
60955 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
60956 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
60957 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
60959 - from David Sarnoff by Eugene Lyons, 1966.
60961 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
60963 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
60964 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
60967 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
60969 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
60970 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
60972 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
60975 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
60977 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
60979 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
60981 Never miss a good chance to shut up.