1 This fortune brought to you by:
5 -- Gifts for Children --
7 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
8 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
9 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
10 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
11 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
12 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
13 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
14 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
15 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
16 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
17 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
21 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
22 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
23 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
24 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
25 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
26 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
27 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
28 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
29 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
30 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
31 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
33 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
34 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
36 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
39 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
43 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
44 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
45 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
46 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
47 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
53 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
54 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
58 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
59 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
60 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
65 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
66 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
67 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
68 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
69 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
70 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
71 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
72 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
73 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
74 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
75 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
76 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
77 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
79 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
81 Pittsburgh Driver's Test
83 (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
84 but a steady left tail light. This means
86 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
87 to call the problem to the driver's attention.
88 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
89 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
90 (d) the driver is from out of town.
92 The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
93 countries to signal turns.
95 Pittsburgh Driver's Test
102 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
104 The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
105 totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
107 Has your family tried 'em?
111 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
113 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
114 strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
118 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
119 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
120 that indicate freshness.
122 THE STORY OF CREATION
126 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
127 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
128 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
129 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
130 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
131 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
132 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
135 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
138 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
139 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
140 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
141 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
142 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
144 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
145 he met the traveling salesman.
146 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
147 in high-level language.
148 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
149 and Apples," commented Jack.
150 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
151 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
152 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
153 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
155 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
156 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
159 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
161 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
162 parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
163 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
164 considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
165 begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
166 starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
167 maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
168 Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
169 of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
170 re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
171 against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
172 knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
173 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
177 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
178 across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
182 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
183 would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
185 Another Glitch in the Call
186 ------- ------ -- --- ----
187 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
189 We don't need no indirection
190 We don't need no flow control
191 No data typing or declarations
192 Did you leave the lists alone?
194 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
197 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
198 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
200 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
202 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
203 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
206 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
207 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
208 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
209 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
210 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
215 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
216 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
217 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
219 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
220 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
221 Know what to kiss -- and when.
222 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
224 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
225 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
226 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
227 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
229 You are a fluke of the universe ...
230 You have no right to be here.
231 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
232 Is laughing behind your back.
236 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
238 Double bucky, you're the one!
239 You make my keyboard lots of fun
240 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
242 Control and Meta side by side,
243 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
244 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
246 Double bucky, left and right
247 OR'd together, outta sight!
248 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
249 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
250 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
252 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
254 Gimmie That Old Time Religion
255 We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
256 Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
257 I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
258 And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
261 In the church of Aphrodite,
262 The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
263 She's a mighty righteous sightie,
264 And she's good enough for me!
267 CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
268 Give me that old time religion,
269 Give me that old time religion,
270 'Cause it's good enough for me!
273 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
274 Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
275 the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
276 Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
277 paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
278 took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
279 their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
280 said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
281 fight and the match was called by officials.
284 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
285 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
286 All kludgy were the function flows
287 And subroutines adhoc.
289 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
290 squrooneg, the false goto
291 Beware the infiniteloop
292 And shun the inprectoo.
294 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
295 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
297 (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
299 (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
300 (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
301 (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
302 (5) Exotic birds flock around you.
303 (6) People ignore you at parties.
304 (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
305 (8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
307 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
308 (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
309 bomb; use the stairs.
310 (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
312 (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
313 (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
314 psychological problems.
315 (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
316 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
317 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
318 (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
319 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
320 (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
321 (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
322 staggering illegally.
323 (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
324 sanitary due to limited circulation.
325 (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
329 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
331 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
332 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
334 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
335 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
336 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
338 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
339 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
340 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
341 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
342 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
343 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
345 The Three Major Kind of Tools
347 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
348 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
349 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
350 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
352 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
354 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
355 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
356 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
357 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
358 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
360 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
361 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
362 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
363 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
364 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
365 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
366 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
367 And we've also found Just flip one switch
368 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
369 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
371 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
372 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
373 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
375 'Twas the Night before Crisis
377 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
378 Not a program was working not even a browse.
379 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
380 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
381 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
382 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
383 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
384 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
385 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
386 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
387 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
388 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
389 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
390 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
391 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
392 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
393 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
394 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
396 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
398 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
399 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
400 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
401 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
402 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
403 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
404 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
405 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
406 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
407 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
408 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
409 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
410 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
411 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
412 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
413 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
416 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
419 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
420 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
421 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
422 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
423 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
424 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
425 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
426 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
427 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
428 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
429 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
430 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
431 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
432 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
433 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
436 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
438 System going down in 60 seconds
442 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
443 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
445 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
446 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
448 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
449 Alice corrected herself.
450 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
451 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
452 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
453 completely bewildered.
454 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
455 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
456 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
458 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
459 eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
460 test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
461 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
462 the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
464 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
465 about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
466 arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
467 the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
468 Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
469 incredible surgical feat."
470 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
471 Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
472 that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
474 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
475 "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
477 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
478 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
479 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
480 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
481 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
482 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
483 little more ... that's it."
484 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
485 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
486 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
487 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
488 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
489 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
490 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
491 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
493 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
494 novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
495 insignificant," said the master.
497 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
499 "It is," came the reply.
501 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
503 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
505 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
507 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
508 lesson is over for today," he said.
509 -- "The Tao of Programming"
511 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
512 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
513 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
514 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
515 "If what?" asked the composer.
516 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
518 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
519 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
520 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
521 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
522 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
523 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
525 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
526 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
527 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
530 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
531 upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
532 "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
534 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
535 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
537 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
538 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
539 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
541 "This is true," He replied.
542 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
543 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
544 right to make his laws?"
545 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
548 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
550 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
551 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
553 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
554 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
555 to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
556 and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
557 that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
558 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
559 When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
560 confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
561 and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
562 are particular and not generalizable.
563 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
564 all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
565 one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
566 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
568 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
569 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
570 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
571 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
572 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
573 hour seems like a minute."
574 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
575 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
576 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
578 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
579 asked the father of his little son.
582 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
583 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
585 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
586 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
587 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
588 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
589 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
590 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
591 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
592 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
593 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
594 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
598 Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
599 A medley of extemporanea;
600 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
601 And I am Marie of Roumania.
604 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
606 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
607 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
608 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
609 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
611 Don't we know archaic barrel,
612 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
613 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
614 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
617 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
618 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
619 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
620 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
621 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
622 shot at mine, over there."
624 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
625 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
626 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
627 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
628 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
629 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
630 although God alone knows why it would want to.
631 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
632 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
633 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
634 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
635 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
636 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
638 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
639 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
640 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
641 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
642 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
643 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
644 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
646 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
647 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
648 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
650 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
651 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
652 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
653 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
654 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
655 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
656 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
657 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
658 the little hammers strike.
659 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
660 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
661 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
663 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
664 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
665 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
669 Say my love is easy had,
670 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
671 Say I am too often sad --
672 Still behold me at your side.
674 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
675 Say I woo and coddle care,
676 Say the devil touched my tongue --
677 Still you have my heart to wear.
679 But say my verses do not scan,
680 And I get me another man!
683 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
684 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
690 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
691 extracurricular activity except you."
692 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
693 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
697 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
699 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
700 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
701 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
702 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
703 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
704 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
707 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
708 month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
709 are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
710 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
711 (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
713 Bite the wax tadpole.
714 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
715 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
716 hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
717 bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
718 but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
719 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
721 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
722 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
723 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
724 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
725 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
726 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
727 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
728 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
729 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
730 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
731 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
732 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
733 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
734 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
735 these sometime around the middle of next week".
736 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
738 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
739 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
740 who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
742 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
746 I will not play at tug o' war.
747 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
750 Where everyone giggles
751 And rolls on the rug,
752 Where everyone kisses,
754 And everyone cuddles,
758 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
760 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
761 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
762 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
765 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
766 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
767 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
768 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
769 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
770 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
771 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
772 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
773 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
775 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
776 we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
777 leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
778 in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
779 time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
780 library, we could call each other up:
784 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
785 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
786 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
787 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
788 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
789 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
790 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
791 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
792 have to get back to you.
794 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
796 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
797 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
798 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
800 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
802 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
803 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
805 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
806 so many different things."
807 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
809 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
811 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
812 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
813 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
814 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
815 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
817 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
819 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
820 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
821 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
822 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
823 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
824 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
825 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
826 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
827 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
828 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
829 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
830 difficult can it be?"
831 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
832 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
833 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
834 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
835 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
837 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
838 junior, what are you up to?"
839 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
841 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
842 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
843 rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
844 expression on his face.
845 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
846 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
848 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
849 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
850 out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
851 Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
852 should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
853 next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
855 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
856 it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
859 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
860 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
862 Four be the things I'd been better without:
863 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
865 Three be the things I shall never attain:
866 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
868 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
869 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
871 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
872 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
873 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
874 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
875 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
876 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
877 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
879 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
883 My love is like an iron wand
884 That conks me on the head,
885 My love is like the valium
886 That I take before my bed,
887 My love is like the pint of scotch
888 That I drink when I be dry;
889 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
890 Until my wife is wise.
892 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
893 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
894 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
895 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
896 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
897 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
898 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
899 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
900 movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
901 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
902 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
903 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
904 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
905 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
906 possible, and turns to Murray.
907 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
908 spits in the sergeants face.
909 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
910 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
912 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
916 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
917 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
918 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
919 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
920 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
921 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
922 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
923 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
924 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
925 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
926 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
927 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
928 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
929 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
930 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
932 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
934 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
935 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
936 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
937 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
938 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
939 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
940 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
941 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
942 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
944 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
945 great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
946 the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
947 life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
948 one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
949 going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
950 shall die of boredom."
951 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
952 current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
953 rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
954 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
955 and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
956 Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
957 lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
958 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
959 "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
960 Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
961 said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
962 free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
964 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
965 the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
967 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
968 enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
969 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
970 years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
971 Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
972 language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
973 students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
974 interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
975 its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
976 VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
977 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
978 run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
979 will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
980 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
981 quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
982 VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
983 documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
984 difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
985 is that it's all there.
986 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
988 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
989 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
990 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
991 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
992 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
994 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
995 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
996 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
997 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
998 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
1000 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1002 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
1009 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
1010 thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
1011 advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
1012 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
1013 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
1014 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
1015 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
1016 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
1017 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
1020 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
1021 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
1022 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
1023 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
1024 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
1025 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
1026 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
1027 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
1028 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
1029 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
1030 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
1031 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
1032 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
1033 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
1034 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
1035 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
1036 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
1037 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
1038 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
1039 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
1041 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
1043 On the good ship Enterprise
1044 Every week there's a new surprise
1045 Where the Romulans lurk
1046 And the Klingons often go berserk.
1048 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
1049 There's excitement anywhere it flies
1051 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
1053 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
1054 Mr. Spock is at his side.
1055 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
1056 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
1058 It's the good ship Enterprise
1059 Heading out where danger lies
1060 And you live in dread
1061 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
1062 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
1064 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
1066 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
1067 Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
1068 Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
1069 with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
1070 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
1071 a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
1072 they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
1073 the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
1075 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
1077 This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
1078 an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
1079 to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
1081 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
1083 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
1084 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
1085 compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
1086 coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
1087 sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
1088 compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
1089 infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
1091 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
1093 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
1094 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
1095 are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
1096 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
1099 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
1101 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
1102 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
1103 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
1104 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
1105 statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
1108 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
1110 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
1111 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
1112 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
1113 BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
1114 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
1116 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
1117 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
1118 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
1119 and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
1120 who end up using this language.
1122 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
1124 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
1125 DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
1126 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
1127 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
1128 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
1131 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
1132 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
1133 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
1136 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
1137 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
1138 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
1140 Here is a sample program:
1141 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
1142 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
1143 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
1144 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
1146 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
1148 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
1150 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
1154 When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
1156 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
1158 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
1160 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
1161 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
1162 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
1164 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
1165 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
1166 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
1169 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
1170 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
1171 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
1173 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
1174 you find the time to try it again?"
1176 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
1177 klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
1179 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
1181 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
1183 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
1184 Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
1185 large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
1186 it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
1187 apparatus for a spectator sport.
1189 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
1190 castrating pigs during Sunday service.
1191 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1193 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
1194 as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
1195 The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
1196 the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
1197 twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
1199 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
1200 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
1201 fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
1202 and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
1204 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
1206 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
1207 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
1211 The wombat lives across the seas,
1212 Among the far Antipodes.
1213 He may exist on nuts and berries,
1214 Or then again, on missionaries;
1215 His distant habitat precludes
1216 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
1217 But I would not engage the wombat
1218 In any form of mortal combat.
1221 Into love and out again,
1222 Thus I went and thus I go.
1223 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
1224 Well and bitterly I know
1225 All the songs were ever sung,
1226 All the words were ever said;
1227 Could it be, when I was young,
1228 Someone dropped me on my head?
1231 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
1232 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
1233 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
1234 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
1235 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
1237 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
1238 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___
\b\b\byou
1239 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
1240 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
1241 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
1242 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
1243 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
1244 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1246 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
1247 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
1249 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
1250 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
1251 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
1252 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
1253 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
1254 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
1255 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
1256 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
1257 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
1258 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
1259 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
1260 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
1261 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
1262 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
1263 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
1265 To A Quick Young Fox:
1266 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
1267 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
1268 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
1269 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
1272 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
1273 year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
1274 reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
1275 artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
1276 moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
1277 Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
1278 entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
1279 sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
1281 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
1283 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
1285 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
1287 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
1289 Firings will continue until morale improves.
1291 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
1292 But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
1293 Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
1294 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
1295 her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
1296 had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
1297 told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
1298 lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
1299 fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
1300 what men must do. ...
1301 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
1302 sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
1303 not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
1304 quiet and peace I will never forget.
1305 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
1306 tollway belle's for thee."
1307 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
1308 a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
1309 poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
1310 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
1313 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
1314 teenager asked her mother.
1315 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
1317 "What's that thing?"
1318 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
1319 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
1320 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
1321 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
1323 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
1324 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
1325 to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
1326 In a way, the next move is up to him.
1329 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
1330 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
1331 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
1333 "Why, what did she tell you?"
1334 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
1335 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1337 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
1340 Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
1341 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
1342 really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
1344 Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
1345 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
1346 make really big Zorkmids."
1348 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
1349 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
1351 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
1353 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
1354 Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
1355 parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
1358 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
1359 bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
1360 chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
1361 electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
1362 breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
1363 until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
1364 damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
1365 your fuses regularly.
1366 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
1367 sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
1368 often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
1369 you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
1370 sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
1371 fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
1372 electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
1373 such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
1375 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1383 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
1384 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
1385 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
1386 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
1387 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
1388 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
1389 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
1390 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
1391 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
1392 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
1394 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
1395 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
1396 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
1397 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
1398 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
1400 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
1401 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
1402 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
1403 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
1404 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
1406 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
1408 " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
1409 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
1410 -- Winston Churchill
1412 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
1413 have turned into a pile of dust.
1415 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
1416 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
1419 "... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
1421 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
1423 "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
1426 "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
1430 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
1432 ... And malt does more than Milton can
1433 To justify God's ways to man
1436 "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
1438 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
1441 ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
1444 ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
1446 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
1447 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
1448 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
1449 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
1450 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
1451 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
1452 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
1453 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
1454 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
1455 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1457 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
1458 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
1459 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
1460 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
1461 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
1462 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
1463 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
1464 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
1465 finite or an infinite number.
1466 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
1468 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
1471 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___
\b\b\bdid* quote anybody in this
1472 business, it probably would be gibberish.
1475 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
1477 ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
1478 and you would not have been informed.
1480 " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
1481 instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
1485 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
1486 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
1487 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
1488 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
1491 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
1492 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
1493 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
1494 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1496 ... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
1499 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
1500 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
1501 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
1504 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
1505 legally ... impeccable!
1507 ... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
1510 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
1511 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
1512 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
1513 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
1514 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
1515 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
1516 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
1517 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
1518 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
1519 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
1520 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
1521 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
1522 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
1523 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
1525 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
1527 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
1528 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
1529 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
1530 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
1531 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
1532 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
1533 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
1535 "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
1536 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
1540 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
1541 Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
1542 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
1543 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
1544 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
1545 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
1546 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
1548 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
1549 who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
1550 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
1551 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
1552 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
1554 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
1555 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
1556 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
1557 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
1558 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
1559 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
1560 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
1561 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
1562 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
1563 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
1564 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
1565 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
1566 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
1567 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
1569 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
1571 ... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
1572 consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
1573 of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
1574 listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
1575 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1577 "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
1580 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
1582 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
1583 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
1584 charity we can only call "inhuman."
1587 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
1588 as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
1589 determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
1590 buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
1591 couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
1592 weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
1593 they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
1594 restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
1595 excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
1596 off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
1597 a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
1598 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1600 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
1602 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
1603 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
1604 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
1605 (4) Four is an even number.
1606 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
1607 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
1609 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
1611 (1) Everything depends.
1612 (2) Nothing is always.
1613 (3) Everything is sometimes.
1615 100 buckets of bits on the bus
1617 Take one down, short it to ground
1618 FF buckets of bits on the bus
1620 FF buckets of bits on the bus
1622 Take one down, short it to ground
1623 FE buckets of bits on the bus
1627 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
1628 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
1629 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1631 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
1633 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
1634 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
1638 (5) Self-piercing earrings
1641 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
1645 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
1649 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
1652 186,282 miles per second:
1654 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
1656 2180, U.S. History question:
1657 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
1658 office did he later hold?
1660 3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
1661 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
1662 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
1664 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
1668 "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
1671 43rd Law of Computing:
1672 Anything that can go wr
1673 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
1675 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1676 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
1679 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
1680 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
1681 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
1683 77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
1685 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
1686 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
1687 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
1688 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
1689 ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
1690 --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
1692 Nine in the second place means:
1693 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
1695 Six in the third place means:
1696 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
1697 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
1699 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
1701 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1702 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
1704 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
1706 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
1707 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
1709 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
1710 responsibility at the other.
1712 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
1715 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
1719 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
1720 and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
1723 A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
1724 adds up to be real money.
1725 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
1727 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
1729 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
1731 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
1733 A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
1734 enlightened him with ours.
1736 A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
1739 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
1740 poor to protect them from each other.
1742 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
1744 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
1745 mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
1746 trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
1749 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
1751 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
1752 Avoid him. He's a Commie.
1754 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
1755 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
1758 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
1761 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
1765 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
1767 A computer, to print out a fact,
1768 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
1769 But this output can be
1770 No more than debris,
1771 If the input was short of exact.
1774 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
1776 A CONS is an object which cares.
1777 -- Bernie Greenberg.
1779 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
1780 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
1782 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
1785 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
1786 damned things is ample.
1789 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
1792 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
1793 And had an affair with a Saracen.
1794 She was not oversexed,
1795 Or jealous or vexed,
1796 She just wanted to make a comparison.
1798 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
1802 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
1804 A day without sunshine is like night.
1806 A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
1809 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
1810 you will look forward to the trip.
1812 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
1814 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
1817 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
1818 Plus three times the square root of four,
1820 Plus five times eleven,
1821 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
1823 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
1824 Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
1825 Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
1826 with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
1827 Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
1828 pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
1829 simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
1830 Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
1832 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
1834 -- Winston Churchill
1836 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
1838 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
1839 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
1842 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
1843 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
1844 -- George Bernard Shaw
1846 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
1849 "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
1850 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
1851 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
1853 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
1856 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
1857 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
1858 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
1859 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
1862 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
1864 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
1866 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
1867 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
1868 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bthat _
\b_
\b_
\bhad _
\b_
\bto _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bmean _
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\b_
\bsomething*.
1869 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
1871 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
1874 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
1875 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
1876 game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
1877 traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
1878 preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
1881 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
1882 placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
1883 rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
1884 from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
1885 and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
1886 ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
1890 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
1891 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
1892 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
1895 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
1896 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
1897 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
1898 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
1900 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
1901 rearranging their prejudices.
1904 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
1907 A hypothetical paradox:
1908 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
1909 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
1910 Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
1913 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
1914 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
1915 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
1916 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
1917 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
1918 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
1919 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
1920 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
1921 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
1922 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
1923 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
1924 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
1925 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
1926 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
1928 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
1930 A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide
1931 who has the better lawyer.
1934 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
1936 A lady with one of her ears applied
1937 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
1938 Two female gossips in converse free --
1939 The subject engaging them was she.
1940 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
1941 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
1942 As soon as no more of it she could hear
1943 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
1944 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
1945 "To hear my character lied about!"
1948 A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
1951 A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
1952 in than some that do.
1953 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
1955 A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
1956 by being declared to work.
1959 A Law of Computer Programming:
1960 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
1961 will find the programmers cannot write in English.
1963 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
1964 Into space that is quite economical.
1965 But the good ones I've seen
1966 So seldom are clean,
1967 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
1969 A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
1972 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
1975 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
1977 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
1980 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
1981 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
1982 exceptional ability in that particular field."
1984 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
1987 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
1988 believe everything positively stinks.
1991 A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
1993 "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
1994 sense of obligation."
1997 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
1999 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
2001 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
2002 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
2003 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
2004 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
2005 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
2006 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
2007 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
2008 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
2009 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
2010 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
2011 fall over gently onto their backs.
2012 -- Audobon Society Magazine
2014 2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
2016 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
2017 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
2018 Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
2020 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
2021 said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
2023 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
2024 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
2025 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
2028 The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
2029 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
2032 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
2033 on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
2034 loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
2035 do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
2037 A new dramatist of the absurd
2038 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
2039 I learn from my spies
2040 He's about to devise
2041 An unprintable three-letter word.
2045 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
2047 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
2049 It is an ice cream koan.
2051 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
2052 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
2053 has no excuse for further procrastination.
2055 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
2056 insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
2057 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
2059 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
2060 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
2062 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
2063 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
2066 A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
2067 off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
2068 "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
2069 understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off
2070 and on. The machine worked.
2072 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
2074 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
2077 A penny saved is ridiculous.
2079 A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
2081 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
2084 A pig is a jolly companion,
2085 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
2086 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
2087 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
2088 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
2089 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
2090 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
2091 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
2092 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
2093 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2095 "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
2096 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
2098 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
2102 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
2104 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
2106 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
2107 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
2108 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
2110 And that is Fate? said the priest.
2112 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
2114 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
2116 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
2118 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
2120 "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
2121 of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
2122 series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
2123 precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
2124 inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
2125 accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
2126 for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
2127 defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
2128 information in the first place."
2129 -- IEEE Grid news magazine
2131 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
2132 your wife will give you for free.
2134 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
2135 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
2136 was intended for her preservation.
2139 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
2140 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
2141 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
2142 to make a travesty of the game.
2145 "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
2146 out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
2149 "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
2151 A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
2153 Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
2154 "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
2155 bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
2156 lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
2157 breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
2158 Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
2159 the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
2160 thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
2161 proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
2162 the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
2163 Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
2165 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
2167 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
2168 that the system works.
2170 A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
2173 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
2174 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
2175 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
2176 concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
2177 dimensional objects ...
2179 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
2180 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
2183 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
2184 contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
2185 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
2187 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
2188 keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
2189 that are worth committing.
2192 A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
2195 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
2198 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
2202 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
2203 Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
2204 true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
2205 Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
2206 shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
2208 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
2211 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
2212 undreamed of by its author.
2215 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
2216 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
2217 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
2218 new versions of their own innards!
2221 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
2223 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
2224 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
2225 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2227 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
2230 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
2233 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
2235 A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
2239 "A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
2240 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
2242 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
2243 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
2244 She found a good way
2245 To combine work and play:
2246 She sells C shells by the seashore.
2248 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
2250 -- Tennessee Williams
2252 A very intelligent turtle
2253 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
2254 The system, you see,
2255 Ran as slow as did he,
2256 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
2258 A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
2261 "A witty saying proves nothing."
2264 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
2267 "A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
2268 admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
2269 remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
2270 reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
2271 is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
2272 using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
2273 matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
2274 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
2276 A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
2280 An organization for drunks who drive
2282 \a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
\a
2283 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
2285 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
2287 "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
2291 Absence makes the heart go wander.
2294 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
2298 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
2299 himself from the sphere of exaction.
2300 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2303 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
2305 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2308 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
2310 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2312 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
2313 because the stakes are so low.
2317 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
2320 Accidents cause History.
2322 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
2323 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
2324 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
2325 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
2326 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
2327 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2329 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
2330 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
2331 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
2332 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
2335 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
2338 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
2339 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
2341 According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
2344 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
2347 "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
2348 live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
2349 in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
2350 Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
2354 A bagpipe with pleats.
2357 The vice of being right
2359 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
2361 Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
2364 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
2366 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2368 "Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
2371 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
2372 everyone glued in their seats!"
2373 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
2376 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
2377 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
2378 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
2379 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
2381 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
2384 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
2385 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
2389 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
2390 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2393 The stage between puberty and adultery.
2395 "Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
2400 To venerate expectantly.
2401 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2404 One old enough to know better.
2406 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
2407 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
2410 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
2411 then at least be asceptic.
2413 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
2414 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
2415 more advanced than the lichen family.
2416 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
2419 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
2421 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
2422 for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
2423 simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
2426 After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
2429 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
2430 names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
2431 Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
2432 many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
2433 Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
2434 different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
2435 developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
2436 attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
2437 to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
2438 skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
2439 injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
2440 hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
2441 that it sinks like a stone.
2442 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
2444 "After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
2445 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
2446 cost to others, to win advancement."
2449 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
2451 After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
2452 everything. Just in case.
2454 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
2455 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
2459 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
2462 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
2465 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
2469 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
2470 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
2474 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
2477 For all dreams are not equal,
2478 some exit to nightmare
2479 most end with the dreamer
2481 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
2483 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
2485 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
2486 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
2487 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
2488 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
2489 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
2490 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
2492 Air is water with holes in it
2494 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
2495 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
2497 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
2498 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
2499 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
2500 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
2501 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
2504 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
2506 (2) Always be backlit.
2507 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
2509 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
2510 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
2511 You take one down, and pass it around,
2512 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
2514 Alex Haley was adopted!
2516 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
2519 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
2520 them keeps paying for it.
2523 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
2527 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
2529 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
2532 "All flesh is grass"
2534 Smoke a friend today.
2536 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
2538 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
2541 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
2542 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
2544 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
2545 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
2547 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
2551 "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
2554 "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
2558 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
2559 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
2561 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
2565 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
2567 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
2569 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
2570 every organism to live beyond its income.
2573 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
2576 "All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
2580 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
2582 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
2583 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
2584 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
2585 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
2586 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
2587 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
2589 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
2591 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
2595 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
2596 the government in less than a second.
2599 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
2602 All the world's a VAX,
2603 And all the coders merely butchers;
2604 They have their exits and their entrails;
2605 And one int in his time plays many widths,
2606 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
2607 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
2608 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
2609 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
2610 Unwillingly to school.
2611 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
2613 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
2614 and all theoretical chemists know it.
2615 -- Richard P. Feynman
2617 All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
2619 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
2620 fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
2622 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
2624 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
2625 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
2629 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
2630 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
2631 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
2632 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
2636 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
2637 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
2638 separately plunder a third.
2639 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2643 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2645 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
2646 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
2649 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
2651 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
2652 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
2653 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
2654 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
2655 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
2656 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
2657 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
2658 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
2659 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
2660 running the post office.
2661 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
2663 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
2664 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
2665 day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
2666 interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
2667 pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
2668 and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
2669 Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
2670 material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
2671 management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
2672 the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
2674 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
2676 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
2679 Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
2681 "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
2684 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
2687 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
2688 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2690 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
2693 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
2694 to decadence without touching civilization.
2697 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
2698 until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
2699 changed its name to "America".
2700 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
2702 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
2703 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
2704 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
2705 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
2706 pictures on the doors.
2707 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
2709 "Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
2711 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
2712 people refuse to see it.
2713 -- James Michener, "Space"
2715 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
2716 is always polite to traffic cops.
2718 "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
2719 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
2720 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
2723 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
2725 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
2727 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
2728 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
2729 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
2730 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
2731 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
2732 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
2734 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
2735 really care to know.
2737 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
2739 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
2741 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
2742 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
2743 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
2744 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
2746 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
2749 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
2750 wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
2751 advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
2752 Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
2753 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
2756 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
2757 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
2758 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
2759 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
2760 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
2761 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
2762 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
2763 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
2764 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
2765 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
2766 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
2767 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
2769 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
2771 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
2772 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
2774 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
2776 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
2778 "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
2780 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
2783 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
2784 Let our chant fill the void
2785 That others may know
2787 In the land of the night
2792 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
2794 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
2795 As they strolled out of sight,
2796 "Merry Christmas to all --
2797 You take credit cards, right?"
2798 -- "Outsiders" comic
2800 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
2802 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
2803 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
2804 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
2805 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
2806 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
2807 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
2808 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
2809 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
2810 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
2812 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
2814 "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
2817 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
2818 horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
2819 columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
2820 ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
2822 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
2824 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
2825 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
2826 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
2827 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
2828 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
2831 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
2832 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____
\b\b\b\b\bneeds heroes.
2833 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
2835 Angels we have heard on High
2836 Tell us to go out and Buy.
2839 Ankh if you love Isis.
2842 To grease a king or other great functionary already
2843 sufficiently slippery.
2844 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2846 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
2848 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
2849 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
2850 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
2851 offers whiter teeth *___
\b\b\band* fresher breath.
2852 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
2855 Anthony's Law of Force:
2856 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
2858 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
2859 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
2860 corner of the workshop.
2863 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
2867 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
2869 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
2872 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
2873 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
2874 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
2875 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
2878 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
2881 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
2882 this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
2885 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
2888 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
2889 -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
2890 my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
2891 the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
2895 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
2898 Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
2901 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
2902 exactly the point of most pressure.
2905 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
2908 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
2911 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
2914 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
2917 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
2918 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
2920 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
2922 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
2925 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
2927 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
2928 supposed to be doing at the moment.
2931 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
2934 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
2937 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
2938 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
2939 make messes in the house.
2940 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
2942 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
2945 Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
2948 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
2949 account be allowed to do the job.
2950 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2952 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
2953 tried taking candy from a baby.
2956 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
2958 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
2959 price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
2960 means the price went way up.
2962 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
2964 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
2966 "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
2969 A concise, clever statement.
2971 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
2972 -- James Alexander Thom
2974 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
2975 the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
2978 "APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
2979 can't read any of them."
2983 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
2985 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
2987 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
2988 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
2989 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
2990 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
2991 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
2993 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
2994 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
2995 general can be said."
2997 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
2998 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
3002 "Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
3003 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
3005 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
3006 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
3007 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
3010 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
3015 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
3017 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
3018 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
3019 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3020 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
3023 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
3024 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
3025 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
3026 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
3028 Art is anything you can get away with.
3029 -- Marshall McLuhan.
3031 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
3034 Arthur's Laws of Love:
3035 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
3036 remind them of someone else.
3037 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
3038 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
3041 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
3043 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
3044 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
3045 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
3046 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
3047 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
3049 "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
3050 certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
3051 became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
3055 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
3056 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
3059 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
3062 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
3063 Feeling worse and worser,
3064 There I met a C.R.T.
3065 And it drop't me a cursor.
3068 Phosphors light on you!
3069 If I had fifty hours a day
3070 I'd spend them all at you.
3072 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
3074 As I was passing Project MAC,
3075 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
3076 Every hack had seven bugs;
3077 Every bug had seven manifestations;
3078 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
3079 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
3080 How many losses at Project MAC?
3082 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
3083 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
3084 speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
3085 myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
3086 real American talk like that.
3087 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
3089 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
3091 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
3092 fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
3096 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
3098 "As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
3099 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
3100 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
3103 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
3104 wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
3105 to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
3106 that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
3107 finding mistakes in my own programs.
3108 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
3110 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
3111 so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
3114 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
3115 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
3116 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
3118 As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
3121 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
3122 memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
3123 to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
3124 E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
3125 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
3127 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
3128 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
3129 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
3130 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
3131 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
3132 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
3133 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
3134 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
3135 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
3136 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
3137 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
3138 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
3139 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
3142 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
3143 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
3144 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
3145 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
3146 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
3147 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
3148 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
3149 spider is suing you for damages.
3151 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
3153 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
3155 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
3156 one went to Harvard).
3159 Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
3160 Station-to-Station rate.
3162 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
3164 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
3165 bathtub, it tolls for thee.
3167 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
3170 "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
3171 woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
3172 she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
3176 The masculine of "lass".
3178 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
3179 Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
3180 strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
3181 Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
3185 "At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
3186 Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
3187 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
3189 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
3190 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
3191 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
3192 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
3194 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
3195 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
3196 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
3197 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
3199 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
3200 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
3201 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
3202 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
3203 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
3204 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
3205 function as a normal person.
3207 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
3208 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
3213 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
3214 challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
3215 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
3217 "At least they're ___________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bEXPERIENCED incompetents"
3219 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
3220 thumb with a hammer.
3223 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
3224 find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
3227 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
3230 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
3231 -- Winston Churchill
3233 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
3234 depths they were once able to plumb.
3238 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
3241 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
3242 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
3244 Avoid reality at all costs.
3246 "Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
3247 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
3248 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
3251 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
3253 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3256 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
3257 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
3258 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
3259 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
3260 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
3263 Bagdikian's Observation:
3264 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
3265 newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
3268 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
3269 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
3272 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
3275 The removal of bruises on a banana.
3276 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3278 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
3281 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
3284 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
3285 floor -- especially in the dark.
3288 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
3290 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3292 Barth's Distinction:
3293 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
3294 types, and those who don't.
3296 Baruch's Observation:
3297 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
3299 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
3303 Basic is a high level languish.
3304 APL is a high level anguish.
3306 "BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
3309 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
3310 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
3313 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
3314 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
3315 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3317 Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
3320 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
3322 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
3323 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
3325 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
3327 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
3329 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
3332 Be different: conform.
3334 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
3337 Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
3339 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
3341 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
3343 Bees are very busy souls
3344 They have no time for birth controls
3345 And that is why in times like these
3346 There are so many Sons of Bees.
3348 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
3352 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
3353 you won't have to watch commercials.
3355 Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
3358 Beifeld's Principle:
3359 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
3360 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
3361 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
3362 looking and richer male friend.
3364 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
3366 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
3368 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
3369 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
3370 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
3371 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
3373 "Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
3376 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
3377 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
3380 Besides the device, the box should contain:
3382 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
3384 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
3385 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
3387 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
3390 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
3391 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
3392 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
3393 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
3396 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
3397 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
3399 Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
3401 Better dead than mellow.
3406 santa claus <north pole >town
3408 cat /etc/passwd >list
3411 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
3412 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
3413 santa claus <north pole > town
3417 who | egrep 'bad|good'
3418 for (goodness sake) {
3422 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
3423 Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
3424 Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
3425 great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
3427 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
3428 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
3429 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
3430 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
3431 both Parliament and Party.
3433 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
3434 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
3435 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
3437 "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
3441 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
3443 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
3445 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
3446 -- Leonard Brandwein
3448 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
3449 drip under pressure.
3451 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
3452 finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
3453 murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
3454 their ignorance the hard way."
3455 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
3457 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
3458 nothing of interest is easy.
3461 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
3463 "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
3467 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
3471 The first and direst of all disasters.
3472 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3474 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
3477 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
3479 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3481 Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
3483 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
3488 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
3490 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
3493 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
3496 Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
3497 plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
3498 it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
3499 arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
3500 throwing up on them.
3503 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
3505 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
3506 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
3507 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
3509 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
3510 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
3512 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
3515 You always find something in the last place you look.
3518 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
3522 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
3523 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3526 (1) When in charge, ponder.
3527 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
3528 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
3531 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
3532 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
3533 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
3537 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
3538 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
3540 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
3541 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
3542 straightened out for a crowbar.
3545 Boy, life takes a long time to live
3549 A noise with dirt on it.
3551 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
3552 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
3555 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
3558 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
3559 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
3560 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
3561 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
3562 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
3566 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
3567 committee -- that will do them in.
3569 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
3570 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
3571 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
3574 Brain fried -- Core dumped
3577 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
3578 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3580 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
3581 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
3582 error in an opponent.
3583 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3585 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
3586 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
3587 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
3590 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
3591 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3593 Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
3594 revitalize the corner saloon.
3597 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
3598 Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by
3599 Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further
3600 believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the
3601 Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in
3602 the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your
3603 head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
3604 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
3606 Broad-mindedness, n.:
3607 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
3609 Brontosaurus Principle:
3610 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
3611 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
3612 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
3613 -- Thomas K. Connellan
3616 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
3617 discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
3621 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
3624 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
3625 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
3626 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
3628 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
3629 (of one of the two other meanings).
3630 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
3631 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
3632 reviews just done in his spirit.
3635 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
3636 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
3639 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
3642 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
3643 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
3646 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
3650 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
3653 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
3655 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
3656 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
3661 "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
3665 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
3669 A politician who has tenure.
3671 Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
3673 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
3674 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
3676 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
3677 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
3679 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
3682 "But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
3685 "But I don't like Spam!!!!"
3687 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
3688 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
3689 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
3690 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
3693 "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
3694 to the nearest gas station."
3696 But scientists, who ought to know
3697 Assure us that it must be so.
3698 Oh, let us never, never doubt
3699 What nobody is sure about.
3702 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
3703 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
3704 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
3705 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
3707 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
3708 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
3709 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
3710 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
3711 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
3712 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
3713 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
3714 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
3715 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
3716 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
3717 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
3719 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
3720 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
3721 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
3722 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
3723 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
3724 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
3726 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
3728 "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
3729 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
3730 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
3731 kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
3732 poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
3733 explained yet about the bytes?"
3735 "But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
3738 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
3739 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
3740 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
3741 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
3742 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
3743 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
3744 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
3745 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
3746 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
3747 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
3748 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
3749 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
3750 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
3751 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
3753 By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
3754 completely overwhelm you.
3756 "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
3757 it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
3758 invent. (R. Emerson)"
3759 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
3760 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
3761 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
3762 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
3764 "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
3765 to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
3766 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
3768 By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
3772 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
3773 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
3774 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
3775 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
3776 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
3777 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
3778 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
3780 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3783 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
3784 like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
3785 anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
3790 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
3792 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3794 "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
3795 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
3798 When all else fails, read the instructions.
3800 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
3804 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
3805 Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
3806 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
3809 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
3812 "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
3813 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
3815 "Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
3816 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
3818 "Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
3822 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
3826 Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
3827 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
3830 A .44 magnum beats four aces.
3832 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
3833 for postage and 30 cents for storage.
3834 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
3837 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
3838 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
3839 A root or two, a torus and a node:
3840 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
3841 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
3843 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
3844 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
3845 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
3846 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
3847 recipients are Cancer people.
3850 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
3851 story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
3852 annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
3853 point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
3854 eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
3855 the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
3856 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
3857 Stallman: "What did he say?"
3858 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
3860 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
3861 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
3862 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
3863 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
3864 they take root and become trees.
3866 Captain Penny's Law:
3867 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
3868 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
3870 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
3871 expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
3872 complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
3873 planning to reduce the time it takes.
3875 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
3876 trousers that don't match.
3878 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
3879 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
3880 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
3881 putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3882 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
3885 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
3887 Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
3890 Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
3892 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
3894 Cecil, you're my final hope
3895 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
3896 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
3897 But none of my cats are at all like that.
3898 This unusual animal (so it is said)
3899 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
3900 What I don't understand is just why he
3901 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
3902 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
3903 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
3904 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
3905 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
3906 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
3907 Then I will *___
\b\b\band* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
3908 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
3909 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
3911 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
3913 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
3914 center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
3915 works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
3916 -- Kelvin Throop III
3918 Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
3921 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
3922 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
3923 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
3926 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
3927 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
3929 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
3930 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
3931 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
3932 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
3933 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
3934 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
3935 others who have tried it.
3936 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3938 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
3939 Did you ever try buying them without money?
3942 Character Density, n.:
3943 The number of very weird people in the office.
3946 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
3947 ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
3951 Any cook who swears in French.
3954 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
3956 Chemistry is applied theology.
3957 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
3959 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
3962 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
3964 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
3965 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
3966 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
3967 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
3969 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
3970 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
3971 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
3972 cheerfully baste you.
3973 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
3975 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
3977 Chicken Little was right.
3980 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
3981 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
3982 is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
3983 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
3985 Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
3986 effort to teach them good manners.
3988 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
3989 going to catch you in next.
3990 -- Franklin P. Jones
3992 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
3993 And that's what parents were created for.
3996 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
3997 word what you shouldn't have said.
3999 Chism's Law of Completion:
4000 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
4001 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
4003 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
4004 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
4006 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
4007 Roger the thief has a
4010 Folks who are reading are
4012 Always Forgetting to
4013 Guard their own bac ...
4016 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
4018 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
4019 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
4020 time he will pick himself up and continue on.
4023 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
4027 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
4028 covers the floors of movie theaters.
4029 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
4032 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
4033 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
4036 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
4037 shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
4040 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
4042 "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
4044 Cleveland still lives. God ____
\b\b\b\bmust be dead.
4046 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
4048 Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
4052 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
4054 Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
4056 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
4057 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
4058 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4060 "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
4064 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
4067 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
4071 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
4074 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
4078 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
4079 other fellow can spell.
4081 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
4082 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
4083 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
4084 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
4088 Colvard's Logical Premises:
4089 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
4092 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
4093 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
4097 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
4099 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
4100 And every vector dreams of matrices.
4101 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
4102 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
4103 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4105 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
4106 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
4107 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
4108 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
4109 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
4112 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
4113 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
4116 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
4117 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
4120 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
4121 decide that nothing can be done.
4125 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
4126 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
4127 stamps you as being wise.
4128 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
4130 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
4131 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
4132 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
4134 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
4135 be appointed to do the work.
4137 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
4138 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
4141 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
4144 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
4147 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
4148 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
4151 Computer programmers do it byte by byte
4153 Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
4156 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
4158 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
4161 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
4162 the world that just don't add up.
4164 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
4165 than the estimate the job will cost.
4167 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
4171 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
4174 Condense soup, not books!
4176 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
4180 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
4183 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
4184 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
4185 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
4186 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
4187 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
4188 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
4189 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
4190 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
4191 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
4192 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
4193 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
4194 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
4195 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
4197 Connector Conspiracy, n:
4198 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
4199 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
4200 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
4201 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
4202 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
4205 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
4208 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
4211 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
4213 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
4216 "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
4217 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
4219 Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
4220 give it back to them.
4222 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
4223 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
4224 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4226 "Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
4227 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
4230 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
4231 is called the listener.
4234 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
4237 This person must be fired.
4240 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
4241 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
4243 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4246 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
4248 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
4249 muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
4253 Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
4254 is to enforce the law and fight crime.
4255 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
4258 A place where they dispense with justice.
4262 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
4263 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4265 Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
4266 nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
4267 -- Wernher von Braun
4269 Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
4273 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
4275 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4278 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
4282 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
4284 "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
4285 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
4286 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
4290 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
4291 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
4292 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
4293 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4296 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
4300 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
4302 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
4304 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
4305 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
4308 The time when men of reason go to bed.
4309 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4311 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
4313 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
4314 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
4316 Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
4317 easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
4321 I just want *___
\b\b\bone* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
4322 the other hand", again.
4325 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
4326 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
4327 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
4330 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
4331 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
4332 principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now
4333 than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners
4337 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
4341 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
4344 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
4345 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
4346 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
4347 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
4348 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
4349 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
4350 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
4351 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
4352 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
4353 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
4357 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
4359 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
4361 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
4362 signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
4363 word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
4364 ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
4365 creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
4366 quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
4367 DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
4368 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
4370 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
4372 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
4375 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
4377 "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
4379 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
4381 Death is only a state of mind.
4383 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
4385 Death to all fanatics!
4388 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
4389 before the music stopped.
4391 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
4392 overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
4393 language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
4394 judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
4395 addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
4396 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
4399 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
4400 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
4401 theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
4402 those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
4407 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
4408 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
4409 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
4410 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
4412 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
4413 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
4414 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
4415 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
4417 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
4419 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
4421 Hardware is what you kick;
4422 Software is what you curse.
4425 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
4427 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4429 "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
4431 Demand the establishment of the government
4432 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
4434 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
4436 -- George Bernard Shaw
4438 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
4439 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
4442 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
4443 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
4444 -- George Bernard Shaw
4446 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
4449 Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
4453 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
4456 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
4457 are right more than half of the time.
4461 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
4462 meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
4463 Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
4464 Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
4465 whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
4466 prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
4467 Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
4468 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
4471 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
4472 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
4475 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
4476 coins out of one's pockets.
4477 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4479 Despising machines to a man,
4480 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
4481 And ride out by night
4482 In a sheeting of white
4483 To lynch all the robots they can.
4484 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
4486 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
4487 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
4489 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
4492 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
4495 Did I say 2? I lied.
4497 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
4498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4500 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
4501 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
4505 That no-one ever reads these things?
4507 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
4508 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
4510 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
4515 "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
4516 conventional thing to happen to him."
4517 -- John Barrymore's dying words
4520 To stop sinning suddenly.
4523 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
4525 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
4526 Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
4528 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
4530 Disc space -- the final frontier!
4532 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
4533 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
4534 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
4535 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
4536 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
4537 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
4538 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
4539 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
4541 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
4545 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
4548 A different color or shape than our competitors.
4551 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
4552 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4554 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
4555 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
4556 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
4558 Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
4560 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
4562 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
4564 Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
4566 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
4569 "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
4572 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
4573 Violators will be prosecuted.
4574 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
4576 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
4578 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
4582 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
4584 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
4586 Do you have lysdexia?
4588 Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
4589 the time to take the dirt out of them?
4591 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
4592 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
4593 "I've never done anything illegal before."
4594 "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
4596 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
4597 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
4600 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
4601 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
4603 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
4605 Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
4607 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
4608 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
4609 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
4610 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
4611 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
4612 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
4613 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
4615 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
4617 Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
4620 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
4622 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
4625 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
4626 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
4628 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
4629 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
4630 used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
4631 finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
4632 fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
4633 They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
4634 They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
4635 They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
4636 what the hell, they caught him.
4638 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
4641 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
4643 Don't feed the bats tonight.
4645 Don't get even -- get odd!
4647 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
4648 misleading. Debug only code.
4651 "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
4652 you nothing. It was here first."
4655 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
4657 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
4659 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
4661 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
4663 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
4665 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
4668 Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
4670 Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
4672 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
4673 it today you can do it again tomorrow.
4675 "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
4678 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
4682 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
4685 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
4688 Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
4690 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
4692 "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
4695 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
4697 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
4699 "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
4700 good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
4703 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
4704 tomorrow in Australia.
4707 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
4708 busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
4710 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
4712 Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
4713 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
4714 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
4715 belief in the tooth fairy.
4717 Down with categorical imperative!
4719 "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
4721 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
4722 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
4725 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
4727 Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
4729 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
4733 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
4734 yourself as part of the problem.
4737 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
4739 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
4740 it holds the universe together ...
4743 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
4744 has been discontinued.
4746 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
4747 and captain of your soul.
4749 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
4752 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
4753 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
4755 "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
4756 nothing whatever to do with it."
4757 -- W. Somerset Maugham
4762 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
4763 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
4764 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
4766 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
4768 /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
4770 Earth is a beta site.
4772 "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
4775 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
4776 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
4777 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
4778 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
4779 means the puzzle is solved.
4782 "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
4784 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
4785 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
4788 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
4790 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4792 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
4793 would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
4797 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
4798 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
4801 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
4804 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
4807 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
4810 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
4813 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
4814 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
4815 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
4816 the "nog" comes from.
4818 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
4821 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
4822 of being a damned fool.
4826 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
4827 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
4829 Ehrman's Commentary:
4830 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
4831 (2) Who said things would get better?
4833 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
4834 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
4837 Sits at the keyboard
4838 And waits for a line on the screen
4842 That will make the machine do some more.
4845 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
4846 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
4848 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
4851 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
4853 Elevators smell different to midgets
4855 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
4856 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
4857 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
4859 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
4860 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
4861 and tell them your house is being burgled.
4862 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
4864 Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
4865 Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
4866 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
4868 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
4870 Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
4871 otherwise require harder thinking.
4875 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
4876 something his wife can beat him at.
4878 Equal bytes for women.
4880 Error in operator: add beer
4882 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
4883 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
4884 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
4885 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
4886 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
4888 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
4892 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
4893 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed
4894 from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy"
4895 ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
4898 Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
4902 "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
4906 "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
4907 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
4909 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
4910 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
4913 Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
4914 just how busy they are.
4916 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
4917 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
4918 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
4919 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
4920 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
4921 take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something?
4922 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
4923 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
4925 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
4927 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
4929 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
4932 "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
4933 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
4934 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
4935 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
4936 highly-motivated, caustic twits."
4937 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
4939 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
4940 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
4941 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
4942 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
4943 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
4944 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
4945 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
4946 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
4948 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
4950 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
4951 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
4952 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
4953 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
4954 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
4955 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
4956 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
4957 color"], that does not exist.
4959 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
4960 -- Frank Moore Colby
4962 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
4964 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
4967 "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
4969 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
4970 -- Miguel de Cervantes
4972 "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
4973 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"
4976 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
4978 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
4980 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
4981 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
4982 program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
4984 Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
4985 another for which it wasn't.
4987 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
4989 Every solution breeds new problems.
4991 Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
4992 guarantee of eventual success.
4994 "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
4996 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
4999 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
5002 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
5004 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
5005 taught how ___
\b\b\bnot to. So it is with the great programmers.
5007 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
5010 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
5011 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
5012 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
5013 wholly unconcerned with what ____
\b\b\b\bdoes exist. Indeed, the banality of
5014 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
5015 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
5016 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
5017 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
5018 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
5020 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
5022 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____
\b\b\b\bdoes anything about it.
5024 Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
5025 no one we know belongs.
5027 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
5028 that a belch is more satisfying.
5031 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
5033 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
5034 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
5036 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
5038 Everything you know is wrong!
5040 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
5041 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
5042 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
5043 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
5045 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
5047 Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
5049 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
5051 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
5053 Excellent time to become a missing person.
5055 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
5056 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
5057 -- W. Somerset Maugham
5059 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
5061 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
5065 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
5067 Expense Accounts, n.:
5068 Corporate food stamps.
5070 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
5073 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
5074 when you make it again.
5077 Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
5078 the instruction afterward.
5080 Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
5083 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
5085 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
5088 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
5090 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
5092 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
5094 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
5095 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
5096 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
5097 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
5098 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
5099 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
5100 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
5101 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
5102 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
5103 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
5104 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
5105 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
5106 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
5107 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
5109 F: When into a room I plunge, I
5110 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
5111 Then I linger, darkly brooding
5112 On the poison they're exuding.
5113 -- The Roguelet's ABC
5115 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
5117 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
5119 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
5121 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
5124 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
5126 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
5127 without looking to see whether the seeds move.
5130 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
5134 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
5135 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to
5136 have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
5138 Familiarity breeds attempt
5140 Families, when a child is born
5141 Want it to be intelligent.
5142 I, through intelligence,
5143 Having wrecked my whole life,
5144 Only hope the baby will prove
5145 Ignorant and stupid.
5146 Then he will crown a tranquil life
5147 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
5151 Conspicuously miserable.
5157 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
5158 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
5159 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
5160 (4) We won't need reservations.
5161 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
5162 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
5163 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
5166 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
5167 (2) "You and what army?"
5168 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
5171 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
5172 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
5173 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
5174 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
5175 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
5176 are a pretty neat idea ...
5177 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5179 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
5185 Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
5187 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
5190 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
5191 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
5194 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
5197 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
5198 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
5199 there is nothing important to do.
5201 Fifty flippant frogs
5202 Walked by on flippered feet
5203 And with their slime they made the time
5206 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
5210 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
5212 Finagle's First Law:
5213 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
5215 Finagle's fourth Law:
5216 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
5219 Finagle's Second Law:
5220 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
5221 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it
5222 happened according to his own pet theory.
5224 Finagle's Third Law:
5225 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
5226 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
5229 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
5230 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
5231 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
5233 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
5235 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
5237 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
5239 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
5242 Functionality breeds Contempt.
5244 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
5246 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
5248 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
5251 Baffled Greek, Michigan
5253 First, a few words about tools.
5255 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
5256 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
5257 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
5258 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
5259 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
5260 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
5261 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
5263 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
5264 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
5267 First Law of Bicycling:
5268 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
5271 First Law of Procrastination:
5272 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
5273 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
5276 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
5277 Celibacy is not hereditary.
5279 First Rule of History:
5280 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
5283 "First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
5284 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
5286 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
5289 Flappity, floppity, flip
5290 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
5293 In a chronodimensional skip.
5295 FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
5296 the little hand is on the ....
5299 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
5300 the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
5302 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
5303 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
5306 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
5307 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
5309 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
5310 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
5312 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
5313 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
5316 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
5317 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
5318 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
5319 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
5320 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
5323 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
5324 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
5325 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
5326 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
5327 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
5328 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
5329 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
5330 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
5331 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
5332 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
5333 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
5334 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
5337 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
5338 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
5340 Flying saucers on occasion
5341 Show themselves to human eyes.
5342 Aliens fume, put off invasion
5343 While they brand these tales as lies.
5346 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
5347 fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
5348 driver's brain is in a fog.
5350 See also "Idiot Lights".
5352 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
5353 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
5355 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
5357 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
5359 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
5362 "For an adequate time call 555-3321"
5364 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
5365 always old-fashioned.
5367 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
5371 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
5374 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
5376 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
5377 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
5378 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
5379 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
5380 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
5381 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
5382 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
5383 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
5384 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
5385 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
5386 ("part of this complete breakfast").
5387 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
5389 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
5390 (1) Be content with what you've got.
5391 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
5393 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
5394 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
5395 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
5398 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
5400 "For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
5401 a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
5402 computers altogether?"
5405 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
5409 "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
5410 phone calls taper off."
5413 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
5414 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
5415 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
5418 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
5420 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
5421 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
5422 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
5423 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
5424 -- Justin Richardson.
5426 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
5429 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
5430 destitution of conscience.
5432 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
5434 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
5436 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
5438 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
5439 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
5440 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
5441 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
5443 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
5444 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
5446 Oh, and have a nice day!
5447 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
5449 fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
5451 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
5452 "Hey you, get off my plate"
5455 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
5456 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
5458 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
5460 Don't Write On Walls!
5464 You want I should type?
5466 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
5467 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
5468 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
5469 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
5470 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
5471 apply to female horses.
5473 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
5474 Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
5475 impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
5476 clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
5477 exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
5479 DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
5480 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
5481 HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
5482 DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
5483 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
5484 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
5485 amounts of fertilization ...
5486 HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
5487 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
5489 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
5491 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
5493 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
5495 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
5496 liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
5497 light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
5498 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
5500 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
5503 A: No, I'm divorced.
5504 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
5505 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
5507 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
5509 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
5510 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
5512 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
5514 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
5515 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
5518 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
5520 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
5521 A: I will be three months November 8th.
5522 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
5524 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
5526 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
5528 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
5530 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
5531 A: Picking them up in the air.
5532 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
5533 A: Attached to the ears.
5535 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
5537 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
5538 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
5539 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
5541 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
5543 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
5545 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
5547 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
5549 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
5551 Q: What is your name?
5552 A: Ernestine McDowell.
5553 Q: And what is your marital status?
5556 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
5558 Q: What happened then?
5559 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
5564 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
5565 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
5566 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
5569 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
5570 except study for that instructor's course.
5572 Fourth Law of Revision:
5573 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
5574 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
5576 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
5577 almost one, it is damn near zero.
5580 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
5583 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
5585 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
5587 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
5590 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
5592 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
5594 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
5595 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
5596 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
5597 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
5598 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
5599 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
5600 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
5601 So are they all, all cool cats, --
5602 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
5604 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
5605 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
5609 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
5610 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
5611 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
5612 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
5613 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
5614 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
5615 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
5616 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
5617 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
5618 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
5620 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
5621 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
5622 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
5623 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
5624 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
5625 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
5626 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
5627 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
5629 From a Tru64 patch description:
5631 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
5633 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
5634 Association, in Rome]:
5636 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
5637 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
5638 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
5639 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
5640 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
5641 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
5642 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
5643 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
5644 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
5646 From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
5648 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
5649 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
5650 Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
5651 candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
5652 nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
5653 other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
5654 qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
5655 being nuts (unground)."
5657 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
5658 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
5659 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
5661 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
5664 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
5665 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
5666 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
5667 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
5668 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
5669 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
5670 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
5672 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
5673 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
5674 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
5676 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
5677 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
5678 experience in sound:
5680 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
5681 sound is normal for this type of connector.
5683 From too much love of living,
5684 From hope and fear set free,
5685 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
5686 Whatever gods may be,
5687 That no life lives forever,
5688 That dead men rise up never,
5689 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
5693 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
5696 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
5697 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
5700 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
5701 even when you are the only person in line.
5702 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
5704 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
5707 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
5709 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
5710 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
5711 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
5712 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
5713 that's your chance, my boy."
5715 Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
5718 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
5719 stockings and desolating the country.
5720 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5722 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
5723 on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
5724 -- Adventures of Asterix.
5726 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
5728 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
5729 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
5730 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
5732 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
5733 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
5734 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
5735 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
5736 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
5737 individuals and then grow ...
5738 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
5739 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
5740 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
5741 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
5742 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
5743 think not, my friend, I think not.
5744 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
5746 "Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
5748 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
5749 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
5750 because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
5751 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for
5754 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
5755 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
5756 you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
5757 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
5758 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
5761 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
5762 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
5764 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
5766 Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
5769 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
5774 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
5777 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
5778 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
5780 George Orwell was an optimist.
5782 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
5783 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
5786 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
5787 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
5789 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
5790 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
5791 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
5792 much as to make the task totally impossible.
5794 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
5796 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
5800 (2) You can't break even.
5801 (3) You can't even quit the game.
5803 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
5804 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
5805 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
5808 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
5809 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
5811 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
5814 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
5815 to stand, and I will drain the world.
5817 "Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
5820 Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
5822 Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
5825 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
5827 "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
5828 around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
5831 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
5832 Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
5833 machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
5834 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
5836 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
5837 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
5838 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some
5842 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
5844 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
5846 Go climb a gravity well!
5848 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
5849 be in owning a piece thereof.
5850 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
5852 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
5854 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
5855 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
5857 God doesn't play dice.
5860 "God gives burdens; also shoulders"
5862 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
5863 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
5864 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
5865 would he lie about a thing like that?
5866 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
5868 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
5869 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
5870 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
5871 ... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
5872 smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
5873 water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
5874 the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
5876 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
5878 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
5880 God is a polytheist.
5889 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
5891 God is real, unless declared integer.
5893 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
5894 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
5898 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
5901 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
5903 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
5905 God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
5908 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
5911 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
5913 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
5916 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
5918 God rest ye CS students now,
5919 Let nothing you dismay.
5920 The VAX is down and won't be up,
5921 Until the first of May.
5922 The program that was due this morn,
5923 Won't be postponed, they say.
5925 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
5927 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
5929 The bearings on the drum are gone,
5930 The disk is wobbling, too.
5931 We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
5932 Can't tell false from true.
5933 And now we find that we can't get
5938 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
5939 school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
5943 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
5944 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who
5945 immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold
5946 hasn't done anything to them.
5947 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5949 Goldenstern's Rules:
5950 (1) Always hire a rich attorney
5951 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
5953 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
5955 -- La Rouchefoucauld
5957 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
5959 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
5961 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
5963 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
5965 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
5967 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
5969 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
5971 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
5974 "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
5975 -- George Saunders' dying words
5978 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
5981 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
5982 time travel, you never can tell."
5983 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
5985 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
5988 Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23
5991 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
5992 to complain about unstructured programmers.
5995 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
5996 -- John Updike, "Couples"
5998 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
6001 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
6002 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
6007 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
6009 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
6011 Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
6013 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
6014 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
6016 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
6018 Gray's Law of Programming:
6019 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
6020 time as `_
\bn' tasks.
6022 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
6023 `_
\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_
\bn' trivial tasks.
6025 Great minds run in great circles.
6027 Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
6031 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
6034 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
6037 "Grub first, then ethics."
6041 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
6042 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his
6044 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
6047 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
6048 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
6049 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
6050 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
6051 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
6052 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
6053 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
6054 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
6056 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
6057 Slice him up before he slays you.
6058 Nothing makes you look a slob
6059 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
6060 -- The Roguelet's ABC
6062 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
6063 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
6064 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
6066 H. L. Mencken's Law:
6067 Those who can -- do.
6068 Those who can't -- teach.
6071 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
6074 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
6075 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
6077 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
6080 He sure is a fun god
6083 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
6084 enough majority in any town?
6085 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
6087 Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
6090 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
6091 crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
6092 between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
6093 the difference between life and death.
6094 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
6095 there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
6096 airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
6097 Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
6098 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
6099 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
6100 man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
6101 Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
6102 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
6104 Hall's Laws of Politics:
6105 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
6106 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
6108 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
6109 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
6110 their own districts).
6113 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
6114 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
6115 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6118 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
6121 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
6122 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
6125 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
6128 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
6132 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
6134 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6136 Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
6139 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
6141 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
6142 The Duke is fond of kittens
6143 He likes to take their insides out
6144 And use them for his mittens
6145 From "The Thirteen Clocks"
6147 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
6148 Advertising wondrous things.
6151 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
6152 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
6155 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
6156 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
6160 All the good ones are taken.
6162 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
6163 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
6164 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
6165 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
6166 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
6167 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
6168 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
6169 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
6170 just like Richard Nixon."
6171 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
6173 Hartley's First Law:
6174 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
6175 on his back, you've got something.
6177 Hartley's Second Law:
6178 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
6181 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
6182 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
6183 do as it damn well pleases.
6185 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
6186 "Yes, I don't have one."
6187 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
6188 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
6190 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
6191 typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
6192 keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
6193 of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
6194 not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
6197 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
6199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6201 Have an adequate day.
6203 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
6204 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
6205 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
6207 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
6208 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
6209 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
6211 Long live the revolution!
6214 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
6215 you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
6218 Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
6219 I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
6220 filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
6221 sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
6222 their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
6223 mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
6224 they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
6225 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
6227 "Have you lived here all your life?"
6228 "Oh, twice that long."
6230 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
6231 crack in your sidewalk?
6233 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
6234 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
6237 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
6239 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
6240 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___
\b\b\bOWN brains.
6243 "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
6244 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
6246 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
6248 "He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
6250 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
6251 perfectly delightful.
6254 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
6255 heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
6256 of ever behaving "normally."
6257 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
6259 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
6262 "He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
6265 He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
6267 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
6268 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
6270 He thought he saw an albatross
6271 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
6272 He looked again and saw it was
6273 A penny postage stamp.
6274 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
6275 "The nights are rather damp."
6277 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
6280 "He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
6283 "He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
6286 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
6287 attacks democracy itself.
6288 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
6290 He who Laughs, Lasts.
6292 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6294 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
6299 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
6300 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
6302 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6305 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
6307 "Heisenberg may have slept here"
6309 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
6313 The first myth of management is that it exists.
6315 Johnson's Corollary:
6316 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
6320 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
6322 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
6324 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
6327 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
6329 Help fight continental drift.
6331 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
6333 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
6335 Her locks an ancient lady gave
6336 Her loving husband's life to save;
6337 And men -- they honored so the dame --
6338 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
6340 But to our modern married fair,
6341 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
6342 No stellar recognition's given.
6343 There are not stars enough in heaven.
6345 "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
6346 Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
6348 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
6349 All logged in, but work unstarted.
6350 First net.this and net.that,
6351 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
6353 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
6354 Then I turn back to net.flame.
6355 Is there a cure (I need your views),
6356 For someone trapped in net.news?
6358 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
6359 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
6361 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
6362 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
6363 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"
\bel;
6364 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
6366 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
6367 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
6368 In me R'
\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
6369 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
6371 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
6372 At whose beckoning history shook.
6373 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
6374 So I stay at home with a book.
6377 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
6378 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
6379 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
6380 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
6381 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
6382 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
6383 important electrical lesson.
6385 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
6386 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
6387 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
6388 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
6389 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
6390 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
6391 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
6393 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
6394 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
6395 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
6397 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
6399 "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
6400 `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
6403 "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
6405 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
6406 there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
6408 "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
6410 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
6411 then they'd be algorithms.
6413 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
6416 "Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
6417 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
6418 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
6419 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
6420 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
6421 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
6422 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
6423 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
6425 "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
6426 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
6427 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
6429 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
6430 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
6431 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
6433 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
6434 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
6435 Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
6436 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
6437 We buried him today because
6438 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
6439 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
6440 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
6441 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
6446 Ruffled the critics by
6448 "Phooey on Freud and his
6450 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
6453 Hindsight is an exact science.
6456 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
6457 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
6458 The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
6459 is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full
6461 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6463 Hire the morally handicapped.
6465 "His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
6466 money, he went to Southern California."
6468 "His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
6471 "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
6473 History is curious stuff
6474 You'd think by now we had enough
6475 Yet the fact remains I fear
6476 They make more of it every year.
6479 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
6480 learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
6481 what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
6483 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
6485 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
6488 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
6489 will find an easier way to do it.
6491 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
6492 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
6496 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
6497 Hofstadter's Law into account.
6499 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
6502 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
6503 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
6506 "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
6508 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
6511 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
6513 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
6516 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
6517 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
6518 honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
6519 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
6521 Horngren's Observation:
6522 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
6524 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
6528 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
6530 "Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
6533 How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
6535 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
6537 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
6539 "How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
6541 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
6544 How doth the little crocodile
6545 Improve his shining tail,
6546 And pour the waters of the Nile
6547 On every golden scale!
6549 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
6550 How neatly spreads his claws,
6551 And welcomes little fishes in,
6552 With gently smiling jaws!
6553 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
6555 How doth the VAX's C compiler
6556 Improve its object code.
6557 And even as we speak does it
6558 Increase the system load.
6560 How patiently it seems to run
6561 And spit out error flags,
6562 While users, with frustration, all
6563 Tear their clothes to rags.
6565 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
6566 Improve its object code.
6567 And even as we speak does it
6568 Increase the system load.
6570 How patiently it seems to run
6571 And spit out error flags,
6572 While users, with frustration, all
6573 Tear all their clothes to rags.
6575 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
6578 How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
6579 None: "We'll fix it in software."
6581 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
6582 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
6584 How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
6585 None: "The user can work it out."
6587 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
6588 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
6590 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
6591 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
6592 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
6593 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
6594 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
6596 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
6598 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
6600 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
6602 How to become a sysop:
6603 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
6604 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
6605 worked a full day in my life since then.
6608 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
6610 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
6611 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
6613 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
6614 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
6616 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
6618 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
6622 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
6624 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
6625 manner ... sulking and nausea.
6628 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
6629 motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
6630 amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
6631 The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
6632 Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
6633 bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
6634 the bill. Agreed to.
6635 -- Albuquerque Journal
6637 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
6639 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
6640 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
6641 operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
6642 catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
6643 his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
6644 the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
6647 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
6649 "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
6652 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
6653 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
6654 to ..... to ........ uh ..............
6656 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
6657 professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
6658 other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
6661 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
6664 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
6665 computer to be running Win98.
6666 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
6668 "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
6669 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
6670 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
6671 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
6673 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
6675 "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
6676 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
6677 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
6678 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
6679 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
6680 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
6682 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
6684 "I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
6687 "I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
6690 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
6693 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
6694 -- English Professor
6696 "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
6697 great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
6698 -- Winston Churchill
6700 "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
6701 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
6702 -- English Professor, Ohio University
6704 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
6705 with an option to buy.
6707 "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
6709 "I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
6710 the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
6711 you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
6712 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
6713 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
6715 "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
6716 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
6717 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
6718 they don't even invite me."
6721 "I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
6724 "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
6727 "I bet the human brain is a kludge."
6730 I brake for chezlogs!
6732 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
6735 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
6736 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
6737 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
6741 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
6743 "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
6744 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
6748 "I can resist anything but temptation."
6750 "I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
6753 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
6754 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
6755 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
6757 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
6759 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
6760 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
6761 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
6762 United States would have lost World War II."
6763 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
6765 "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
6768 "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
6769 -- Florence Henderson
6771 I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
6773 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
6775 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
6776 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
6779 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
6780 dance with the cows till you come home.
6783 "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
6784 the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
6787 "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
6789 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
6792 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
6793 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
6794 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
6795 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
6796 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
6797 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
6799 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
6801 "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
6804 "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
6805 with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
6808 "I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
6809 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
6811 "I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
6812 don't believe in astrology."
6813 -- James R. F. Quirk
6815 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
6816 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
6819 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
6820 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
6821 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
6823 "I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
6827 "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
6828 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
6830 "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
6831 people waiting to abuse me."
6832 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
6834 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
6837 "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
6838 eat it, and I just hate it."
6841 "I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
6844 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
6845 streets and frighten the horses.
6848 "I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
6850 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
6852 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
6853 hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
6855 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
6856 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
6857 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
6858 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
6859 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
6860 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
6861 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
6864 I doubt, therefore I might be.
6866 "I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
6867 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
6868 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
6869 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
6870 -- George Bernard Shaw
6872 "I drink to make other people interesting."
6873 -- George Jean Nathan
6875 I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
6876 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
6878 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
6879 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
6880 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
6881 can't be measured in monetary terms.
6883 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
6884 that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
6885 subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
6886 someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
6887 understand his long delay.
6889 "I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
6891 "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
6892 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
6895 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20
6898 'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
6901 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
6902 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
6903 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
6904 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
6906 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
6907 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
6908 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
6909 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
6911 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
6912 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
6913 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
6914 And think of the places my get-up has been.
6917 "I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
6918 Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
6921 "I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
6923 "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
6924 it's going to be up all night."
6927 "I hate quotations."
6928 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6930 I have a simple philosophy:
6934 Scratch where it itches.
6937 "I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
6940 "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
6941 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
6942 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
6944 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
6945 and they never believe me.
6946 -- Camillo Di Cavour
6948 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
6951 "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
6952 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
6953 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
6954 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
6955 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
6956 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
6957 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
6958 -- President Harry S Truman
6961 To spell hors d'oeuvres
6962 Which still grates on
6963 Some people's n'oeuvres.
6966 "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
6967 that I have never made one."
6968 -- James Gordon Bennett
6970 "I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
6974 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
6976 -- from "Cerebus" #82
6978 "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
6979 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
6981 "I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
6984 "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
6985 scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
6988 "I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
6989 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
6991 "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
6992 his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
6993 beating up a child."
6996 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
6997 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
7000 "I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
7002 "I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
7004 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
7006 "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
7009 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
7011 "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
7012 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
7015 "I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
7016 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
7019 "I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
7022 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
7023 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
7024 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
7025 the way and let them have it.
7026 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
7028 "I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
7030 "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
7032 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
7033 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
7034 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
7036 "I love to eat them Smurfies
7037 Smurfies what I love to eat
7038 Bite they ugly heads off,
7039 Nibble on they bluish feet."
7041 "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
7042 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
7044 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
7046 "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
7047 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
7049 "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
7050 week sometimes to make it up."
7051 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
7053 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
7055 "I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
7058 "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
7060 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
7061 -- George Bernard Shaw
7063 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
7064 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
7066 "I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
7067 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
7068 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
7069 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
7070 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
7071 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
7073 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
7075 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
7077 "I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
7079 -- William F. Buckley
7081 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
7082 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
7083 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
7084 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
7087 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
7088 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
7089 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
7090 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
7091 write about, such as nose-picking.
7092 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
7095 I really hate this damned machine
7096 I wish that they would sell it.
7097 It never does quite what I want
7098 But only what I tell it.
7100 "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
7102 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
7103 they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
7106 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
7107 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
7108 Bernoulli would have been content to die
7109 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
7110 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
7112 I sent a letter to the fish,
7113 I told them, "This is what I wish."
7114 The little fishes of the sea,
7115 They sent an answer back to me.
7116 The little fishes' answer was
7117 "We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
7118 I sent a letter back to say
7119 It would be better to obey.
7120 But someone came to me and said
7121 "The little fishes are in bed."
7122 I said to him, and I said it plain
7123 "Then you must wake them up again."
7124 I said it very loud and clear,
7125 I went and shouted in his ear.
7126 But he was very stiff and proud,
7127 He said "You needn't shout so loud."
7128 And he was very proud and stiff,
7129 He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
7130 I took a kettle from the shelf,
7131 I went to wake them up myself.
7132 But when I found the door was locked
7133 I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
7134 And when I found the door was shut,
7135 I tried to turn the handle, But ...
7137 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
7138 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
7139 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
7141 "I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
7142 -- Graffito in Los Angeles
7144 "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
7145 house and four people died."
7148 "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
7149 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
7152 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
7153 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
7154 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
7155 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
7157 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
7159 "I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
7160 because I couldn't remember the proof."
7161 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
7163 "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
7165 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
7166 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
7167 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
7168 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
7169 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
7172 I think that I shall never see
7173 A billboard lovely as a tree.
7174 Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
7175 I'll never see a tree at all.
7178 I think that I shall never see
7179 A thing as lovely as a tree.
7180 But as you see the trees have gone
7181 They went this morning with the dawn.
7182 A logging firm from out of town
7183 Came and chopped the trees all down.
7184 But I will trick those dirty skunks
7185 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
7187 "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
7188 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
7189 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
7190 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
7191 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
7192 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
7193 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
7194 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
7195 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
7196 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
7198 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
7199 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
7200 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
7202 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
7203 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
7204 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
7205 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
7206 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
7207 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
7208 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
7209 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
7211 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
7213 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
7214 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
7216 I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
7217 twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
7220 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
7222 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
7224 "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
7226 "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
7227 body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
7230 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
7234 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
7235 animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
7236 anything connected with society except that which makes the roads
7237 safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
7238 warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
7241 "I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
7242 Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
7244 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
7246 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
7247 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
7248 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
7252 "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
7253 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
7254 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
7255 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
7256 get off my driveway."
7259 "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
7263 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
7264 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
7265 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
7266 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
7268 "I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
7269 house and four people died."
7272 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
7276 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
7277 it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
7278 stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
7279 I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
7280 absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
7281 developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
7282 Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
7283 temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
7284 chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
7285 the point where it would not run at all.
7286 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
7287 Holes and the Fate of Stars"
7289 "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
7290 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
7291 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
7293 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
7297 "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
7298 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
7302 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
7303 statues that are in all the other museums."
7306 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
7307 it took seven others to beat him!
7309 "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
7310 There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
7313 "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
7314 always worked for me."
7315 -- Hunter S. Thompson
7318 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
7319 And everywhere this language went,
7320 It was a total loss.
7322 "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
7324 "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
7327 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
7329 "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
7332 "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
7335 "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
7338 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
7341 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
7342 Julian to Gregorian."
7344 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
7347 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
7349 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
7350 cottage cheese sculpture."
7352 "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
7354 "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
7356 "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
7359 "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
7361 "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
7364 "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
7367 "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
7368 need worrying about."
7370 "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
7372 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
7373 of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
7375 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
7376 solitary confinement.
7379 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
7380 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
7381 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
7384 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
7385 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
7386 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7388 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
7391 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
7392 at about 30 miles/second.
7393 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
7395 "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
7398 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
7399 forecast is a camel's behind.
7402 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
7403 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
7406 If a group of _
\bN persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _
\bN-1
7407 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
7410 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
7411 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
7413 -- Joseph C. Goulden
7415 If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
7418 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
7420 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
7421 dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
7422 maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
7423 must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
7426 "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
7427 attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to
7428 playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win --
7429 unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
7430 can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
7433 If all be true that I do think,
7434 There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
7435 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
7436 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
7437 Or any other reason why.
7439 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
7441 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
7443 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
7444 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
7445 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
7447 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
7450 If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
7454 If an S and an I and an O and a U
7455 With an X at the end spell Su;
7456 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
7457 Pray what is a speller to do?
7458 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
7459 And an HED spell side,
7460 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
7461 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
7462 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
7464 If anything can go wrong, it will.
7466 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
7468 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
7470 If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
7473 "If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
7475 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
7477 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
7478 around a deal faster.
7479 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
7481 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
7483 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
7486 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
7488 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
7490 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
7493 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
7496 If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
7499 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
7501 If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
7504 If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
7507 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
7509 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
7511 "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
7514 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
7517 "If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
7518 replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
7520 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
7523 If I don't drive around the park,
7524 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
7525 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
7526 I may get back my looks again.
7527 If I abstain from fun and such,
7528 I'll probably amount to much;
7529 But I shall stay the way I am,
7530 Because I do not give a damn.
7533 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
7535 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
7536 plantation and go home.
7537 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
7539 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
7542 "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
7545 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
7546 shoulders of giants.
7549 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
7550 with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
7553 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
7557 In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
7560 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
7562 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
7563 also a psychological interaction.
7565 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
7568 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
7569 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
7571 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
7572 As Dame Fortune did intend,
7573 Murphy would be there to tell me
7574 The pot's at the other end.
7577 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
7579 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
7581 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
7582 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
7586 "If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
7587 forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
7588 just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
7589 And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
7590 pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
7591 And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
7592 think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
7593 receive Net Mail ..."
7594 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
7596 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
7598 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
7601 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
7602 you've got in the house.
7603 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
7605 If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
7608 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
7610 "If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
7611 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
7612 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
7613 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
7615 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
7618 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
7619 in my name at a Swiss bank.
7620 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
7622 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
7624 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
7625 having to accomplish anything.
7627 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
7628 he should see how bad it is with representation.
7630 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
7631 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
7632 physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
7633 entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
7636 If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
7640 "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
7641 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
7643 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
7644 presumably flunk it.
7647 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
7650 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
7651 get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
7652 See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
7653 the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
7654 that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
7655 college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
7656 and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
7657 rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
7658 Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
7659 interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
7660 opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
7661 himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
7662 boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
7663 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
7665 "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
7667 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
7669 If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
7672 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
7673 the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
7674 bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
7675 exceed all expectations.
7676 -- Reverend Chichester
7678 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
7680 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
7681 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
7683 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
7686 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
7687 something out of you.
7690 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
7692 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
7694 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
7696 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
7699 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
7701 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
7703 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
7704 -- Laurence J. Peter
7706 "If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
7708 "If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
7710 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
7711 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
7712 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
7713 -- Marguerite Emmons
7715 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
7718 "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
7721 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
7723 If you can read this, you're too close.
7725 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
7727 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
7730 If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
7733 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
7735 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
7737 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
7739 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
7742 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
7745 "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
7746 Lavoris in the toilet."
7749 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
7750 either of you for the rest of the day.
7752 "If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
7753 have to get a toehold in the public eye."
7755 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
7758 If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
7760 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
7762 "If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
7763 make the rubble bounce"
7764 -- Winston Churchill
7766 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
7768 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
7770 "If you have to hate, hate gently"
7772 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
7773 boot yourself in the posterior.
7776 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
7778 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
7781 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
7782 people die past the age of a hundred.
7785 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
7786 really make them think they'll hate you.
7788 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
7791 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
7792 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
7795 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
7796 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
7799 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
7800 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
7803 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
7804 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
7805 somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
7807 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
7810 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
7812 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
7813 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
7814 Or some joker who is slicker,
7815 Will trick you of your liquor,
7816 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
7818 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
7819 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
7821 If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
7824 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
7828 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
7831 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
7832 shopping center in the world?
7835 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
7836 shopping center in the world?
7839 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
7840 be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
7841 you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
7842 another party next year.
7844 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
7845 several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
7846 been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
7847 avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
7848 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
7849 having another one ...
7851 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
7852 your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
7853 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
7854 that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
7855 someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
7857 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
7858 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
7859 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
7861 "If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
7864 If you want divine justice, die.
7867 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
7871 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
7872 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
7873 statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
7874 telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
7875 titles beginning with the word "National".
7878 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
7879 word you say, talk in your sleep.
7881 "If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
7882 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
7883 even if they don't know what it means."
7884 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
7886 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
7888 If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
7889 tomorrow morning, sleep late.
7892 If you're happy, you're successful.
7894 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
7896 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
7897 -- Benjamin Disraeli
7899 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
7901 "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
7902 it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
7905 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
7909 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
7910 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
7911 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
7913 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
7914 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
7915 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
7916 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
7917 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
7920 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
7921 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
7924 "I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
7925 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
7926 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
7929 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
7931 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
7933 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
7934 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
7935 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
7936 And in our bound partition never part.
7937 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
7939 "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
7940 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
7941 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
7943 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
7944 land He's trying to ignore.
7946 "I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
7949 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
7951 "I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
7954 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
7955 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
7956 I'll tell some power broker
7957 What they did for Iacocca
7958 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
7959 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
7960 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
7961 When they hand a million grand out,
7962 I'll be standing with my hand out,
7963 Yessir, I'll get mine!
7966 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
7968 "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
7972 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
7975 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
7978 "I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
7979 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
7981 i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
7985 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
7986 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
7987 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
7988 She's traversed me seven times before.
7989 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
7990 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
7991 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
7992 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
7993 N-ary the tree I am.
7995 "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
7996 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
7998 "I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
8001 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
8002 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
8007 "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____
\b\b\b\bREAL
8010 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
8011 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
8012 -- English Professor, Providence College
8014 "I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
8015 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
8016 you being a dumbass."
8017 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
8019 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
8020 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
8021 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
8022 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
8023 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
8025 "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
8028 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
8029 -- Jules de Gaultier
8031 "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
8032 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
8033 thinks of complaining."
8034 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
8036 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
8037 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
8038 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
8039 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
8040 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
8042 "Is it PC compatible?"
8044 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
8047 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
8051 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
8052 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
8053 conflicting opinions.
8054 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8056 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
8057 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
8061 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
8062 (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may
8063 perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
8064 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
8066 In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
8069 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
8072 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
8075 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
8076 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
8078 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
8081 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
8082 we can't control when the five year period will begin.
8084 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
8085 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
8088 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
8089 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
8092 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
8093 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
8094 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
8096 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
8097 of the risks he takes.
8100 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
8101 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
8102 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
8103 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
8104 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
8105 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
8107 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
8109 -- The Peter Principle
8111 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
8112 are to be treated as variables.
8114 "In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
8115 nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
8118 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
8119 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
8121 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
8123 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
8124 will be temporarily canceled.
8126 In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
8129 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
8130 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
8131 to get her attention.
8133 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
8134 in any motor vehicle.
8136 "In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
8137 -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery
8139 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
8142 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
8144 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
8145 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
8146 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
8147 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8149 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
8150 programming languages.
8152 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
8153 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
8155 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
8156 into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
8157 between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
8158 will only make it mushy.
8161 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
8164 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
8165 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
8166 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
8168 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
8169 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
8170 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
8172 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
8173 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
8174 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
8176 "In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
8178 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
8180 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
8181 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
8182 the cares of office.
8183 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8185 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
8186 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
8188 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
8189 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
8192 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
8193 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
8194 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
8195 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
8196 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
8198 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
8199 is over six feet in length.
8201 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
8202 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
8204 "In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian."
8206 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
8208 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
8211 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
8212 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
8213 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
8215 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
8216 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
8217 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
8218 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
8219 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
8221 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
8222 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
8223 ___
\b\b\bsee the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
8225 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
8227 In the beginning was the word.
8228 But by the time the second word was added to it,
8230 For with it came syntax ...
8233 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat
8234 hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am
8235 training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the
8236 net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any
8237 preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you
8238 close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be
8239 empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
8241 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
8242 the proper order then why can't he?
8244 In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
8246 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
8248 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
8251 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
8252 a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
8253 to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
8254 forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
8255 stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
8256 punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
8257 enough to punch you.
8258 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8260 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
8261 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
8262 Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
8263 three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
8264 from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
8265 ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
8266 wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
8270 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
8271 drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
8275 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
8277 -- Winston Churchill
8279 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
8280 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
8282 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
8283 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
8286 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
8287 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8289 Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
8291 Individualists unite!
8294 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
8295 lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
8299 Information Center, n.:
8300 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
8301 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
8304 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
8307 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
8308 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
8311 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
8312 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
8314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8316 Innovation is hard to schedule.
8319 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
8321 Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
8322 salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
8325 One who enables two persons of different languages to
8326 understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
8327 the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
8328 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8330 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
8332 Iron Law of Distribution:
8333 Them that has, gets.
8335 "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
8336 -- Douglas Hofstadter
8338 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
8339 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
8342 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
8343 beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
8344 out, and such as are out wish to get in?
8347 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
8349 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
8350 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
8351 -- Kelvin Throop III
8353 Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
8354 tellers take economists seriously?
8356 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
8358 The Course of Progress:
8359 Most things get steadily worse.
8361 The Path of Progress:
8362 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
8364 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
8365 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
8366 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
8367 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
8368 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
8369 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
8370 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
8371 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
8372 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
8373 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
8374 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
8376 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
8377 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
8378 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
8379 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
8380 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
8381 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
8383 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
8384 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
8385 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
8386 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8388 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
8389 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____
\b\b\b\bonly* by amusing oneself that
8391 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
8393 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
8394 been searching for evidence which could support this.
8397 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8399 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
8400 program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
8401 organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
8405 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
8408 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
8409 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
8410 and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
8411 mature human beings ...
8412 -- Playboy, January 1983
8414 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
8415 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
8416 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
8419 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
8420 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
8421 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
8422 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
8423 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
8424 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
8425 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
8427 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
8428 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
8429 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
8431 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
8434 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
8438 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
8439 One in a million, perhaps.
8441 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
8443 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
8444 benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
8448 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
8449 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
8450 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
8453 "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
8455 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
8457 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
8458 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
8459 a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
8460 treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
8461 focus of attention, the harder the task.
8464 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
8467 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8469 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
8472 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
8473 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
8475 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
8477 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
8478 -- Robert Storm Petersen
8480 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
8481 Boulevard at one time.
8483 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
8485 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
8489 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
8492 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
8493 desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
8496 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
8497 offense consists in doubting it.
8498 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
8500 It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
8503 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
8504 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
8505 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
8506 -- George Bernard Shaw
8508 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
8511 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
8512 damn thing over and over.
8513 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8515 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
8516 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
8518 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
8521 It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
8522 virginity could be a virtue.
8525 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
8528 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
8529 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
8532 It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
8533 students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
8534 programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
8538 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
8539 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
8542 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
8543 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
8544 glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
8545 which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
8546 day, that is the highest of arts.
8547 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
8549 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
8550 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
8551 until the other has gone.
8553 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
8556 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
8559 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
8560 five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
8561 it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
8563 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
8565 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
8566 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
8568 It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
8571 "It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory"
8572 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
8574 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
8577 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
8579 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
8581 "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
8582 but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
8585 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
8587 "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
8590 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
8591 breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
8595 "It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
8596 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
8597 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
8598 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
8599 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
8600 novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
8601 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
8605 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
8606 the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
8608 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
8609 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
8611 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
8612 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
8616 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
8617 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
8618 two things still safe to eat.
8621 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
8624 "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
8627 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
8629 "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
8634 "It means summon's in trouble."
8635 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
8637 It's a very *__
\b\bUN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
8640 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
8642 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
8644 "It's bad luck to be superstitious."
8647 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
8650 "It's easier said than done."
8652 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
8653 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
8654 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
8657 It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
8659 It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
8662 "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
8666 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
8668 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
8669 is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
8670 isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
8671 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
8673 It's just a jump to the left
8674 And then a step to the right.
8675 Put your hands on your hips
8676 And pull your knees in tight.
8677 It's the pelvic thrust
8678 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
8680 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
8682 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
8684 "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
8691 and even the teddy bears
8694 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
8697 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
8699 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
8702 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
8703 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
8706 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
8709 "It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
8710 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
8712 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
8715 "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
8718 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
8719 what you're taking for it...
8721 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
8725 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
8729 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
8732 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
8733 English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
8734 other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
8737 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
8739 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
8741 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
8742 Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
8744 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
8745 raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
8747 -- Franklin P. Jones
8749 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
8751 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
8752 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
8753 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
8754 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
8755 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
8756 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
8757 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
8758 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
8760 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
8761 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
8762 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
8763 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
8765 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
8766 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
8767 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
8769 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
8771 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
8772 this little hole in the bottom ...
8775 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
8777 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
8780 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
8783 "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
8785 "I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
8788 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
8789 And from that full meridian of my glory
8790 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
8791 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
8792 And no man see me more.
8795 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
8796 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
8797 legislature is in session.
8799 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
8800 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
8808 But only Buddha pays Dividends.
8811 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
8813 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
8815 Johnson's First Law:
8816 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
8817 most inconvenient possible time.
8819 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
8820 "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
8823 Join the march to save individuality!
8826 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
8830 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
8833 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
8834 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction
8835 to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their
8836 original contribution.
8838 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
8839 (and nobody cares about it).
8842 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
8843 solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
8844 one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
8845 winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
8846 because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
8847 mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
8848 motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
8850 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
8852 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
8856 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
8859 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
8861 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
8862 get a prompt, type like hell.
8864 "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
8866 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
8868 "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
8869 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
8870 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
8872 "Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
8875 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
8876 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
8878 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
8879 As he landed his crew with care;
8880 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
8881 By a finger entwined in his hair.
8883 'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
8884 That alone should encourage the crew.
8885 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
8886 What I tell you three times is true.'
8888 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
8889 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
8892 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
8895 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
8896 -- Michael J. Wagner
8898 Justice is incidental to law and order.
8902 A decision in your favor.
8904 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
8905 Cobol's wordy and confining;
8906 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
8907 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
8908 -- The Roguelet's ABC
8910 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
8914 Man and nations will act rationally when all other
8915 possibilities have been exhausted.
8917 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
8919 Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze
8920 - Hellman's Mayonnaise
8922 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
8924 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
8926 Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
8927 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
8928 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
8929 force is technically termed "car suck").
8930 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
8933 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
8934 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
8935 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
8936 Your Feet on the Ground,
8937 Your Head on your Shoulders.
8938 Now ... try to get something DONE!
8940 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
8941 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
8942 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
8943 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
8944 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
8947 Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
8948 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
8949 and parking for the faculty.
8951 Kids have *_____
\b\b\b\b\bnever* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
8952 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
8953 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
8954 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
8955 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
8956 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
8957 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
8961 An affliction of the blood
8963 Kinkler's First Law:
8964 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
8966 Kinkler's Second Law:
8967 All the easy problems have been solved.
8969 "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
8971 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
8974 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
8976 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
8978 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
8980 Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
8984 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8986 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
8988 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
8991 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
8992 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
8993 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
8996 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
8997 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9002 (3) Never volunteer for anything
9004 Lactomangulation, n.:
9005 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
9006 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
9007 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
9011 Your house is on fire,
9012 Your children will burn!
9013 So jump ye and sing, for
9015 The four lines above
9016 Have been put into rhyme.
9019 Laetrile is the pits
9022 (1) Everything depends.
9023 (2) Nothing is always.
9024 (3) Everything is sometimes.
9027 All laws are basically false.
9029 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
9030 was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
9031 pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
9032 farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
9033 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
9034 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
9035 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
9036 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
9037 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
9038 whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
9039 Lassie filed the applications for.
9042 "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
9043 had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
9044 my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
9047 "Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
9048 record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
9051 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
9053 Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
9055 "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
9058 Law of Communications:
9059 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
9060 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
9063 Law of Probable Dispersal:
9064 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
9067 Law of Selective Gravity:
9068 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
9070 Jenning's Corollary:
9071 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
9072 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
9074 Law of the Perversity of Nature:
9075 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
9078 Laws of Serendipity:
9080 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
9082 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
9083 be engaged in making an inferior one.
9085 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
9086 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
9087 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
9089 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
9091 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
9092 everything else follows in the same way.
9095 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
9097 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
9100 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
9101 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
9102 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
9103 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
9107 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
9108 hold the hammer with both hands.
9110 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
9111 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
9112 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
9113 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
9116 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
9117 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
9118 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
9119 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
9120 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
9121 a sick sense of humor.
9123 Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
9125 "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
9126 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
9127 and another number."
9132 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
9136 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
9137 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
9138 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
9139 end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
9140 qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
9141 bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
9143 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
9145 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
9146 your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
9147 Mental Anguish. You would sue:
9149 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
9150 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
9151 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
9154 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
9155 cretin like yourself.
9157 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
9158 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
9159 a large cash settlement anyway.
9162 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
9163 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
9164 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
9165 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
9166 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
9167 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
9168 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
9170 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9172 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
9176 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
9177 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
9178 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
9179 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
9180 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
9181 agricultural industry.
9184 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
9187 Lewis's Law of Travel:
9188 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
9192 A lawyer with a roving commission.
9193 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9195 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
9196 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
9198 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
9199 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
9200 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
9201 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
9203 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
9204 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
9205 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
9206 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
9207 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
9211 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
9215 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
9217 Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
9219 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
9221 "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
9222 eat it nevertheless."
9225 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
9227 Life is like a simile.
9229 Life is like an analogy
9231 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
9232 there is nothing in it.
9234 "Life is too important to take seriously."
9237 "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
9238 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
9240 "Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
9241 which I disapprove."
9243 "Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
9244 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
9246 "Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
9247 weren't for other people"
9250 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
9252 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
9253 sense from things she found in gift shops.
9254 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
9256 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
9257 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
9260 Limericks are art forms complex,
9261 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
9262 They usually have virgins,
9263 And masculine urgin's,
9264 And other erotic effects.
9266 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
9267 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
9269 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
9270 Kennedy in November 1960.
9272 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
9274 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
9277 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
9278 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
9280 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
9281 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
9283 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
9284 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
9286 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
9288 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
9290 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
9291 we should think only about today.
9293 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
9296 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
9299 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
9302 Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
9305 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
9306 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
9307 Don't you envy people who
9308 Do all the things ___
\b\b\bYOU want to do?
9310 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
9311 interest rates, we don't need it."
9314 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
9315 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
9316 only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
9317 eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
9318 before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
9319 ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
9320 in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
9321 unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
9322 the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
9323 "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
9324 memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
9325 at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
9326 Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
9328 -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
9329 into Excuses and Apologies"
9331 Lockwood's Long Shot:
9332 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
9333 one in a million, but once would be enough.
9335 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____
\b\b\b\b\bawful*.
9337 Logicians have but ill defined
9338 As rational the human kind.
9339 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
9340 But let them prove it if they can.
9343 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a
9345 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
9346 to pay income taxes, too?
9347 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
9349 Loose bits sink chips.
9351 Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
9354 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
9356 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
9359 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
9361 Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
9362 world has ever seen.
9364 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
9367 "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
9368 flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
9371 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
9372 Hate is a word that is not.
9373 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
9374 Love, I have read, is hot.
9375 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
9376 And Love but a drug on the mart.
9377 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
9378 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
9381 "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
9382 the ideal never goes unpunished."
9385 Love is sentimental measles.
9387 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
9390 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
9392 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
9395 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
9399 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
9402 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
9404 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
9405 There's always one more bug.
9408 The place where optimism most flourishes.
9410 Lysistrata had a good idea.
9412 "MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
9413 the smallest amount of thoughts."
9414 -- Winston Churchill
9416 Machine-Independent, adj.:
9417 Does not run on any existing machine.
9419 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
9420 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
9424 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
9425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9427 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
9428 first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
9432 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
9433 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
9434 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
9435 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
9436 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
9437 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
9438 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
9439 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
9440 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
9441 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
9442 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
9443 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
9444 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
9445 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
9446 entire nodal aggravations.
9447 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
9449 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
9451 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
9453 The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
9454 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
9455 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
9457 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9460 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
9462 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
9465 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
9466 might be taught to talk.
9467 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9470 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
9474 (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
9475 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
9476 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
9477 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
9480 For every action there is an equal and opposite government
9484 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
9486 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
9489 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
9491 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
9492 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9495 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
9497 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
9499 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
9500 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
9501 has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
9502 the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
9503 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
9506 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
9508 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
9511 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
9513 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
9515 "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
9518 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
9519 upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
9522 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
9523 only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
9524 -- Wernher von Braun
9526 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
9529 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
9530 victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
9533 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
9534 victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
9535 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
9538 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
9539 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
9540 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
9541 however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
9542 habitable earth and Canada.
9543 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9545 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
9549 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
9550 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
9551 don't think, right?"
9554 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
9555 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
9556 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
9557 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
9560 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
9561 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
9562 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
9565 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
9566 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
9567 information you need in in the others.
9570 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
9571 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
9572 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
9573 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
9576 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
9577 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
9578 simple yes or no answer.
9580 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
9583 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
9584 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
9586 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
9588 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
9591 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
9594 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
9595 translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
9597 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
9599 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
9600 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
9602 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
9605 "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
9607 Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
9610 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
9613 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
9615 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
9617 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
9619 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
9622 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
9625 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
9628 McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
9629 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
9633 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
9634 everyone you know, only more so.
9637 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
9638 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
9640 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
9641 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
9642 Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
9643 had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
9644 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
9646 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
9647 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
9649 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
9650 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
9651 cork makes when it is popped.
9653 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
9654 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
9656 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
9657 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
9658 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
9659 never hope to acquire it.
9661 Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
9662 it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
9663 very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
9664 tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
9665 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
9666 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
9667 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
9668 ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
9669 cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
9670 billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
9671 more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
9672 fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
9673 older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
9674 obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
9675 window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
9676 hotshot cells moving up from below.
9677 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
9680 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
9683 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
9686 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
9688 Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
9690 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
9691 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
9692 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
9693 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
9694 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
9695 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
9696 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
9697 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
9698 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
9699 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
9700 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
9701 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
9702 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
9703 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
9704 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
9705 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
9706 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
9707 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
9708 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
9709 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
9710 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
9711 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
9712 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
9713 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
9714 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
9715 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
9716 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
9717 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
9719 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
9722 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
9724 "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
9725 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
9727 "Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
9728 out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
9730 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
9731 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
9733 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
9736 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
9738 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
9741 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
9745 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
9747 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
9748 themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
9751 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
9752 politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
9753 and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
9754 are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
9755 rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
9756 the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
9757 Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
9758 Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
9759 Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
9761 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
9763 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
9764 is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
9765 myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
9766 the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
9767 unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
9768 will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
9769 dead as a door-nail.
9771 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
9773 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
9774 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
9776 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
9778 Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
9782 The kind of fortune that never misses.
9783 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9786 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
9787 they are in the market.
9788 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9790 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
9792 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
9793 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
9796 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
9798 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
9799 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
9800 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
9801 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
9804 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
9805 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
9806 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
9807 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
9808 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
9809 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
9810 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
9811 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
9812 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
9814 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
9816 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
9817 him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
9818 last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
9822 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
9823 from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
9824 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
9825 matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the
9826 atom in that it is an ion ...
9827 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9829 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
9830 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
9831 it wasn't worth doing.
9833 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
9836 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
9837 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9839 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
9841 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
9843 Money is the root of all wealth.
9846 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
9847 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
9850 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
9852 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
9853 path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
9854 extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
9857 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
9858 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
9861 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
9862 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
9863 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
9864 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
9865 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
9866 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
9867 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
9868 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
9869 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
9870 them that it doesn't make any difference.
9871 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
9874 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
9878 Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
9881 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
9884 Mother is the invention of necessity.
9886 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
9889 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
9890 population is growing.
9892 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
9893 "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
9894 Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
9895 pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
9896 in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
9897 in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
9898 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
9899 computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
9901 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
9904 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
9905 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
9906 will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
9909 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
9912 Murphy's Law of Research:
9913 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
9915 "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
9916 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
9919 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
9920 long it has become a science project.
9921 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
9923 "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
9925 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
9927 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
9928 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
9929 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
9930 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
9931 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
9932 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
9933 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
9934 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
9935 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
9936 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
9937 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
9938 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
9940 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
9942 "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
9943 there are three other people."
9946 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
9947 times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
9948 sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
9949 through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
9950 listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
9953 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
9956 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
9957 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
9958 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
9959 And the skies are sunlit for him.
9960 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
9961 As the fragrance of acacia.
9962 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
9963 And I wish he were in Asia.
9966 My love runs by like a day in June,
9967 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
9968 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
9969 In the pathway or the morrows.
9970 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
9971 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
9972 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
9973 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
9976 My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
9980 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
9982 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
9983 And he cares not what comes after.
9984 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
9985 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
9986 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
9987 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
9988 My own dear love, he is all my world --
9989 And I wish I'd never met him.
9992 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
9994 -- Zippy the Pinhead
9996 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
9997 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
9998 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
9999 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
10002 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
10004 -- Christopher Morley
10006 "My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
10009 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
10010 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
10011 from the true accounts which it invents later.
10012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10015 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
10018 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
10020 GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
10022 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
10024 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
10025 said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
10026 time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
10029 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
10030 villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
10031 said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
10032 villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
10033 remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
10034 said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
10035 my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
10036 spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
10038 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
10039 serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
10040 into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
10041 "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
10043 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
10044 than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
10047 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
10048 pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
10049 meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
10050 "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
10053 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
10054 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
10055 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
10057 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
10058 conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
10059 fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
10060 is most likely to be creamed?
10063 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
10064 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
10066 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
10067 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
10069 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
10070 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
10073 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
10074 character, give him power.
10077 Necessity is a mother.
10079 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
10082 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
10084 Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
10086 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
10088 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
10090 Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
10091 with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
10092 change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
10093 fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
10096 Never eat more than you can lift.
10099 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
10101 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
10103 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
10104 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
10106 Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
10107 make it complex and wonderful.
10109 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with
10111 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
10113 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
10115 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
10116 law against it by that time.
10118 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
10120 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
10122 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
10123 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10125 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
10126 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
10128 "Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
10130 Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
10134 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
10136 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
10137 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
10139 New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
10140 Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
10142 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
10143 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
10145 New systems generate new problems.
10147 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
10148 his wife most often reminds him to act it.
10149 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
10151 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
10153 New York's got the ways and means;
10154 Just won't let you be.
10155 -- The Grateful Dead
10158 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
10159 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
10162 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
10163 German pole-vault champion.
10165 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
10167 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
10168 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
10170 Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
10171 have a lucky day this year.
10173 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
10174 as an income tax refund.
10177 "Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
10180 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
10182 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
10183 correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
10184 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
10185 Americans call him by value.
10187 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
10188 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
10189 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
10190 Three megs for system source;
10192 One disk to rule them all,
10193 One disk to bind them,
10194 One disk to hold the files
10195 And in the darkness grind 'em.
10197 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
10198 And tapes without any tracks;
10199 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
10200 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
10201 Take hold of the tape
10202 And pull off the strip,
10203 And then you'll be sure
10204 Your tape drive will skip.
10206 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
10208 "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
10209 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
10213 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
10214 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
10215 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
10217 "Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
10221 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
10222 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
10225 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
10226 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
10227 effectively under such difficult conditions.
10228 -- Laurence J. Peter
10230 "No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
10233 No good deed goes unpunished.
10234 -- Clare Boothe Luce
10236 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
10238 -- Channing Pollock
10240 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
10242 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
10243 seriously cramp his style.
10245 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
10246 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
10248 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
10249 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10251 "No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
10253 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
10254 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
10256 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
10257 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
10261 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
10262 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
10263 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
10264 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
10266 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
10267 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
10268 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
10269 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
10270 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
10271 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
10272 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
10273 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
10275 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
10276 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
10277 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
10278 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
10281 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
10283 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
10285 "No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
10286 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
10287 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
10288 occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
10289 an indication-applied occurrence."
10292 "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
10294 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
10295 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
10297 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
10299 -- Tallulah Bankhead
10301 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
10303 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
10305 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
10306 order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
10307 substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
10311 Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
10312 constructive praise.
10318 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
10320 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
10321 Negative expectations yield negative results.
10322 Positive expectations yield negative results.
10324 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
10326 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
10328 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
10329 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
10330 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
10331 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
10332 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
10333 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
10334 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
10335 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
10336 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
10337 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
10339 "Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
10342 "Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
10343 is from the wrong kind of tree."
10346 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
10347 of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
10348 is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
10349 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
10350 careful not to make any poultry jokes ...
10353 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
10355 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
10357 Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
10359 To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
10362 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
10365 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
10366 tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
10369 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
10370 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
10373 Nothing recedes like success.
10376 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
10381 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
10382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10384 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
10386 Now I lay me down to sleep
10387 I pray the double lock will keep;
10388 May no brick through the window break,
10389 And, no one rob me till I awake.
10391 "Now is the time for all good men to come to."
10394 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
10395 time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
10396 to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
10397 eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
10398 the following questions:
10400 (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
10402 (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
10403 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
10404 (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
10405 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
10406 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
10407 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
10410 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
10412 "Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
10413 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
10414 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
10415 -- "The Begatting of a President"
10417 "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
10419 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
10421 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
10424 "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
10427 "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
10428 normal routines, for children and adults alike."
10429 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
10431 "Nuclear war would really set back cable."
10434 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
10436 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
10438 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
10442 Where the buffalo roam,
10443 Where the deer and the antelope play,
10444 Where seldom is heard
10445 A discouraging word,
10446 'Cause what can an antelope say?
10448 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
10449 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
10451 -- Thomas L. Martin
10453 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
10456 Of all the words of witch's doom
10457 There's none so bad as which and whom.
10458 The man who kills both which and whom
10459 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
10462 "Of ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bcourse it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
10465 "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
10466 tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
10469 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
10471 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
10472 And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
10475 Office Automation, n.:
10476 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
10477 you would want to talk with over coffee.
10480 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
10483 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
10485 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
10486 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
10487 And isn't your life extremely flat
10488 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
10490 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
10491 I muck with indices and structs all day
10492 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
10493 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
10495 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
10496 be irresponsible, too.
10499 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
10500 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
10501 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
10502 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
10503 You have not dreamed of --
10504 Wheeled and soared and swung
10505 High in the sunlit silence.
10507 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
10508 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
10509 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
10510 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
10511 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
10512 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
10513 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
10514 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
10515 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
10517 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
10519 Oh, when I was in love with you,
10520 Then I was clean and brave,
10521 And miles around the wonder grew
10522 How well did I behave.
10524 And now the fancy passes by,
10525 And nothing will remain,
10526 And miles around they'll say that I
10527 Am quite myself again.
10530 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
10532 "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
10535 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
10537 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
10540 Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
10542 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
10545 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
10548 Omnibiblious, adj.:
10549 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
10552 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of
10553 JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O
10554 as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...
10555 WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
10557 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
10559 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
10562 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
10563 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
10567 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
10571 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
10573 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
10575 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
10578 On the subject of C program indentation:
10580 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
10581 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
10582 -- Blair P. Houghton
10584 "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray,
10585 Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right
10586 answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
10587 confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
10590 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
10591 forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
10592 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
10596 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10598 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
10599 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
10602 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
10603 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
10604 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
10605 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
10606 Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
10607 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
10609 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
10610 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
10611 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
10612 principals or your mistress".
10614 Once Law was sitting on the bench
10615 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
10616 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
10617 Nor come before me creeping.
10618 Upon you knees if you appear,
10619 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
10621 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
10622 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
10623 "Amica curiae," she replied --
10624 "Friend of the court, so please you."
10625 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
10626 I never saw your face before!"
10627 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10629 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
10630 beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
10631 side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
10632 which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
10636 Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
10637 us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
10638 the smaller prime numbers.
10640 2: The Odd Prime --
10641 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
10642 3: The True Prime --
10643 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
10644 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
10645 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
10646 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
10647 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
10648 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
10651 Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
10652 derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
10653 true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
10655 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
10656 somebody's listening.
10657 -- Franklin P. Jones
10659 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
10661 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
10662 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
10663 -- Chuq Von Rospach
10665 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
10666 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
10667 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
10669 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
10671 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
10672 the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
10673 announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
10674 a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
10675 captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
10676 -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
10677 "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
10678 I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
10679 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
10681 One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
10684 One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
10685 never have to stop and answer the phone.
10687 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
10688 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
10690 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
10693 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
10694 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
10695 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
10696 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
10700 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
10702 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
10703 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
10706 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
10708 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
10709 from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
10710 least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
10711 are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
10712 when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
10713 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
10715 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
10716 do and always a clever thing to say.
10719 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
10720 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bsomebody has to buy
10722 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
10724 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
10725 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
10726 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
10727 fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
10728 disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
10730 One Page Principle:
10731 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
10732 paper cannot be understood.
10735 "One planet is all you get."
10737 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
10738 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
10739 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
10740 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
10741 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
10742 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
10743 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
10744 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
10745 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
10746 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
10747 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
10748 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
10749 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
10750 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
10751 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
10752 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
10753 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
10755 One reason why George Washington
10756 Is held in such veneration:
10757 He never blamed his problems
10758 On the former Administration.
10759 -- George O. Ludcke
10761 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
10763 One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
10766 "One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
10767 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
10771 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
10774 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
10776 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
10777 at the stake while the votes were being counted.
10780 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
10781 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
10782 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
10786 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
10789 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
10791 Only God can make random selections.
10793 Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
10794 use the editorial "we."
10796 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
10798 Optimization hinders evolution.
10801 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
10804 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
10807 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
10808 is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
10812 Variables won't; constants aren't.
10814 Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
10817 O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
10818 Murphy was an optimist.
10820 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
10821 they charge fifteen cents for them.
10823 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
10824 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
10825 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
10826 juice. But only *_
\b_
\bhe* had a lollipop.
10828 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
10832 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
10833 means to be a programmer."
10835 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
10836 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
10837 In kernel as it is in user!
10839 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
10840 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
10842 "Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
10845 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
10846 -- General Omar N. Bradley
10848 "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
10849 it's too dark to read."
10852 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
10853 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
10855 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
10857 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
10859 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
10862 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
10864 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
10866 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
10867 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
10870 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
10871 exposing them to the critic.
10874 panic: can't find /
10876 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
10878 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
10882 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
10884 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
10886 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
10888 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
10889 criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
10892 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
10894 Pardo's First Postulate:
10895 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
10899 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
10902 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
10904 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
10905 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
10906 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
10908 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
10909 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
10910 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
10916 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
10918 "Pascal is not a high-level language."
10921 "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
10922 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
10925 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
10926 his grave if he knew about it.
10929 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
10930 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
10932 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
10936 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
10937 under brain transplants.
10939 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
10942 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
10946 You can't fall off the floor.
10949 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
10950 periods of fighting.
10951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10955 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
10956 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
10957 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
10959 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
10961 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
10962 sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
10963 Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
10966 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
10967 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
10971 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
10972 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
10973 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10975 Penguin Trivia #46:
10976 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
10977 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
10979 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
10980 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
10982 People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
10985 "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
10988 People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
10990 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
10991 press than people who are just funny and smart.
10992 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
10994 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
10995 slept in a room with a single mosquito.
10997 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
10998 haven't what they want that they don't want it.
11001 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
11002 Benjamin Franklin said it first.
11004 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
11006 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
11009 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
11010 "Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
11013 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
11015 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
11016 when there is no longer anything to take away.
11017 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
11019 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
11021 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
11022 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
11023 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
11024 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
11025 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
11027 Peter's Law of Substitution:
11028 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
11031 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
11032 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
11034 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
11036 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
11039 Pick another fortune cookie.
11041 "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
11042 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
11043 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
11046 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
11047 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
11048 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
11049 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11051 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
11052 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
11053 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
11054 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
11055 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
11056 things to small animals.
11058 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
11059 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
11060 American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
11061 nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
11062 probably get run over by a bus.
11064 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
11067 PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
11071 "Plaese porrf raed."
11072 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
11074 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
11075 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
11076 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
11077 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
11080 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
11083 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
11085 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
11087 Please ignore previous fortune.
11091 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
11092 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
11093 out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
11097 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
11100 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
11102 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
11103 If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
11104 Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
11105 Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
11108 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
11110 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
11112 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
11113 Host: About the drugs?
11115 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
11116 Police: No, the noise.
11117 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
11118 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
11119 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
11121 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
11122 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
11123 ask the host to quiet things down?
11124 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
11125 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
11126 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
11127 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
11128 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
11131 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
11132 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
11135 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
11136 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
11137 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
11138 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
11139 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11142 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
11143 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
11144 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
11147 Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
11148 where there is no river.
11149 -- Nikita Khrushchev
11151 Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
11152 to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
11154 Polymer physicists are into chains.
11156 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
11157 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
11158 white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
11159 it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
11160 name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
11162 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
11163 Half a pound of treacle
11164 That's the way the chimney smokes
11166 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
11167 laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
11168 hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
11169 Hans Neizant B"
\bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"
\boln in 1653.
11170 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
11173 Survives system reboot.
11176 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
11177 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11179 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
11181 "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"
11182 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
11184 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
11186 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
11190 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
11192 Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
11193 more time for dreaming.
11196 Predestination was doomed from the start.
11198 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
11199 forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
11201 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
11202 vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
11203 -- The Washington Post
11205 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
11207 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
11208 It's on the other side.
11210 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
11212 -- Winston Churchill
11214 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
11216 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
11217 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
11218 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
11219 Because she's unable to postulate how.
11220 -- Frederick Winsor
11222 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
11223 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
11224 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
11225 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
11228 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
11229 encryption standard and they came up with ...
11232 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
11233 Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
11234 his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
11235 earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
11237 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
11238 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
11239 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
11243 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
11245 This technique is used on equations with "_
\bn" in them. Induction
11246 techniques are very popular, even the military used them.
11248 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
11250 We know it's true for _
\bn equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
11251 for every natural number less than _
\bn. _
\bN is arbitrary, so we can take _
\bn
11252 as large as we want. If _
\bn is sufficiently large, the case of _
\bn+1 is
11253 trivially equivalent, so the only important _
\bn are _
\bn less than _
\bn. We
11254 can take _
\bn = _
\bn (from above), so it's true for _
\bn+1 because it's just
11256 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
11258 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
11259 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
11260 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
11261 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
11262 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
11264 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
11265 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
11267 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
11269 Gesticulation (handwaving)
11271 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
11273 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
11275 Lack of a counterexample, and
11276 "It stands to reason"
11278 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
11280 BBW Branch Both Ways
11281 BEW Branch Either Way
11282 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
11284 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
11286 BPO Branch on Power Off
11287 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
11288 CDS Condense and Destroy System
11289 CLBR Clobber Register
11290 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
11291 CM Circulate Memory
11292 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
11293 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
11294 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
11296 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
11298 DC Divide and Conquer
11299 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
11300 DO Divide and Overflow
11301 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
11302 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
11303 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
11304 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
11305 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
11306 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
11307 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
11308 PBC Print and Break Chain
11311 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
11314 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
11315 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
11316 RASC Read And Shred Card
11317 RPM Read Programmers Mind
11318 RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
11319 RTAB Rewind tape and break
11321 RWOC Read Writing On Card
11322 SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
11323 SLC Search for Lost Chord
11324 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
11325 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
11326 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
11327 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
11328 WBT Water Binary Tree
11330 "Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
11331 than the both put together."
11333 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
11334 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
11336 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
11337 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
11340 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
11341 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
11342 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
11343 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
11344 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
11345 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
11346 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
11347 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
11349 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
11351 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
11353 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
11355 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
11357 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
11358 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
11361 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
11362 Those who understand what they do not manage.
11363 Those who manage what they do not understand.
11365 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
11368 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
11369 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
11371 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
11372 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
11374 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
11375 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
11377 Q: How long does it take?
11378 A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
11381 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
11382 A: They replace your generator.
11384 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
11385 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
11386 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
11387 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
11388 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
11390 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
11394 Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
11395 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
11397 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
11398 A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
11400 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
11401 A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
11402 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
11403 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
11404 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
11405 of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
11407 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
11408 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
11409 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
11410 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
11411 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
11412 assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
11414 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
11417 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
11418 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
11419 to the earlier joke.
11421 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
11422 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
11423 Californians trying to share the experience.
11425 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
11426 A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
11427 with brightly colored machine tools.
11429 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
11430 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
11433 Q: What's a light-year?
11434 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
11436 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
11437 A: Because it was on the other side.
11439 Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
11440 A: To stamp out forest fires.
11442 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
11443 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
11445 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
11446 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
11448 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What
11451 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
11452 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be
11453 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No
11454 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
11455 somebody else has made the correction.
11457 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
11458 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
11459 to inform the whole net right away!
11461 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
11464 Quality Control, n.:
11465 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
11466 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
11469 Man Invented Alcohol,
11470 God Invented Grass.
11473 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
11475 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
11477 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
11479 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
11482 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
11483 atttempt to use it.
11490 "Qvid me anxivs svm?"
11492 QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
11493 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
11494 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one
11495 thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a
11496 painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang]
11497 person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.
11498 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
11500 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
11502 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
11503 I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
11504 computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
11505 store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
11506 all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
11507 the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
11508 they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
11509 rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
11510 Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
11511 impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
11512 goes, giving away the store?
11513 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
11515 Ray's Rule of Precision:
11516 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
11521 And drugs cause cramp.
11522 Guns aren't lawful;
11525 You might as well live.
11528 Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
11529 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
11532 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
11533 Congress. But I repeat myself.
11536 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
11537 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
11538 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
11539 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
11541 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
11542 has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
11543 machines are so poor at I/O.
11545 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
11546 so long they can't afford the disk space.
11548 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
11549 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
11551 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
11552 with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
11553 hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
11556 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
11557 on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
11558 sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
11560 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
11561 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
11562 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
11565 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
11566 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
11569 Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
11570 should be hard to understand.
11572 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
11573 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
11574 much good it did them.
11576 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
11577 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
11578 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
11579 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
11581 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
11582 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
11584 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
11585 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
11588 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
11589 can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
11591 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
11593 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
11594 functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
11596 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
11597 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
11598 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
11600 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
11601 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
11602 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
11603 systems could be virtual at *___
\b\b\ball* levels. They would like personal
11604 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
11605 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
11606 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
11608 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
11609 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
11610 using an undocumented external procedure.
11613 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
11616 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
11617 afraid to break your face.
11619 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
11620 down the system for days.
11622 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
11624 Real Users know your home telephone number.
11626 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
11627 program doesn't deliver it.
11629 Real Users never use the Help key.
11631 Real World, The n.:
11632 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
11633 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
11634 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
11635 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
11636 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
11637 The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
11638 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
11639 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
11640 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
11643 Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
11645 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
11647 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
11650 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
11652 Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
11654 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
11657 "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
11661 "Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
11663 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
11664 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
11665 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
11667 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
11668 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
11669 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
11670 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
11673 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
11674 Take not a single bit!
11675 It used to point to me,
11676 Now I'm protecting it.
11677 It was the reader's CONS
11678 That made it, paired by dot;
11679 Now, GC, for the nonce,
11680 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
11682 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
11683 again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
11684 which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
11685 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
11686 starfield surrounding the ship.
11688 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
11689 announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
11690 are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
11691 intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
11692 transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
11693 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
11694 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
11696 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
11697 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
11699 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
11702 "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
11706 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
11709 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
11712 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
11714 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
11715 worse in Cleveland.
11716 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11718 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
11721 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
11724 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
11726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11728 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
11730 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
11731 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
11732 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
11733 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
11734 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
11735 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
11736 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
11737 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
11738 career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
11739 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
11741 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
11743 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
11745 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
11747 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
11748 -- Wernher von Braun
11750 Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
11751 another chance later on.
11755 (1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
11756 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
11757 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
11758 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
11760 (2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
11761 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
11762 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
11763 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
11765 (3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
11766 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
11767 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
11768 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
11771 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
11772 circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
11773 empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred,
11774 induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always
11775 for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage,
11776 material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or
11777 none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed,
11778 proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably,
11779 universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it
11780 becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
11782 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
11785 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
11786 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
11787 reject the proposal.
11789 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
11790 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
11791 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
11793 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
11794 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
11798 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
11801 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
11802 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
11803 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
11804 shall be deemed to be a cat.
11806 Rule of Creative Research:
11807 (1) Never draw what you can copy.
11808 (2) Never copy what you can trace.
11809 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
11811 Rule of Defactualization:
11812 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
11814 Rule of Feline Frustration:
11815 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
11816 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
11819 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
11820 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
11823 (1) The boss is always right.
11824 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
11826 Rules for Academic Deans:
11828 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
11829 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
11831 Rules for driving in New York:
11832 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
11833 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
11835 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
11838 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
11839 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
11840 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
11841 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
11842 (4) Enjoy your food.
11843 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
11844 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
11845 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
11846 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
11847 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
11848 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
11849 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
11850 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
11851 can always eat it later.
11852 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
11853 (11) Avoid blue food.
11854 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
11856 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
11857 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
11858 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
11859 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
11860 laugh at you a great deal.
11862 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
11866 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
11868 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
11871 Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
11872 He must be a communist.
11873 And a beard and long hair,
11874 Must be a pacifist.
11876 What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
11879 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
11880 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
11883 It works better if you plug it in.
11885 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
11886 Is like being nowhere at all,
11887 All through the day how the hours rush by,
11888 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
11889 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
11891 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
11893 Save energy: be apathetic.
11895 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
11897 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
11899 "Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
11900 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
11903 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
11906 Schapiro's Explanation:
11907 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
11908 because they use more manure.
11910 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
11912 Schlattwhapper, n.:
11913 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
11914 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
11915 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11918 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
11920 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11923 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
11925 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11927 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
11928 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
11929 is not necessarily science.
11930 -- Henri Poincair'
\be
11932 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
11934 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
11938 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
11939 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
11940 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
11941 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
11944 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
11946 Scott's second Law:
11947 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
11948 to have been wrong in the first place.
11951 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
11952 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
11954 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
11955 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
11956 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
11957 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
11958 Spock: Affirmative.
11959 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
11960 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
11962 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
11964 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
11968 Second Law of Business Meetings:
11969 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
11970 will pick the wrong one.
11973 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
11976 "Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
11977 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
11978 multiline message byte.
11979 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
11980 must be sent passive true.
11981 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
11982 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
11983 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
11984 (a) The LADS is active
11985 (b) Nor LACS is active"
11987 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
11988 Programmable Instrumentation
11990 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
11992 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
11993 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
11994 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
11996 Sightlessly seeking
11997 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
11998 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
12000 "See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
12002 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
12003 Ice Cream cures all ills.
12005 Self Test for Paranoia:
12006 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
12010 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
12012 Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
12013 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
12014 material glorifying violence?"
12015 Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
12016 Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
12017 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
12018 not for little Johnny."
12020 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
12021 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
12024 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
12028 Serenity through viciousness.
12030 Serocki's Stricture:
12031 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
12033 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
12035 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
12036 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
12037 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
12038 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
12039 like crabgrass all over the United States.
12040 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
12042 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
12044 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
12047 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
12050 Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
12051 it's one of the best.
12054 Shamus, n. [Yiddish]:
12055 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
12056 temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
12057 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
12058 functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
12059 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
12060 middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
12061 bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
12062 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
12063 am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
12065 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
12067 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
12068 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
12069 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
12073 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
12076 "She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
12079 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
12082 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
12085 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
12086 have poured on a waffle ...
12088 "She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
12089 you should hear me play piano.'"
12092 "Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
12093 taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
12094 excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
12097 She's genuinely bogus.
12099 SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
12100 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
12102 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
12103 playing golf with his boss.
12105 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
12107 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
12109 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
12110 -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
12113 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
12116 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
12118 Since I hurt my pendulum
12119 My life is all erratic.
12120 My parrot, who was cordial,
12121 Is now transmitting static.
12122 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
12123 The cat keeps doing poo.
12124 The only thing that keeps me sane
12125 Is talking to my shoe.
12128 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
12132 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
12133 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
12135 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
12137 -- Winston Churchill
12139 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
12140 Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
12141 excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
12142 This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
12143 examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
12144 Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
12145 printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
12146 comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
12147 no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
12149 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
12150 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
12151 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
12154 Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
12157 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
12158 when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
12159 apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
12160 neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
12161 tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
12162 were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
12163 souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
12164 testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
12166 -- Frederick Douglass
12168 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
12169 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
12171 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
12172 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
12173 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
12174 attracted to dark objects.
12176 Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
12179 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
12180 it sits in the dish too long.
12181 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12183 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
12187 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
12188 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
12190 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12192 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
12193 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
12194 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
12195 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
12197 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
12198 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
12199 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
12200 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
12201 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
12202 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
12203 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
12206 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
12207 praise of intelligence.
12208 -- Bertrand Russell
12210 "So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
12211 pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
12212 its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
12213 imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
12214 and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
12215 and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
12216 gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
12219 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
12220 remember his Bible?
12223 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
12227 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
12229 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
12231 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
12234 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
12235 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
12236 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
12237 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
12238 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
12239 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
12240 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
12241 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
12242 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
12243 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
12244 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
12246 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
12248 Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
12249 people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
12250 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
12252 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
12253 one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
12255 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
12258 Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
12260 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
12261 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
12265 Some points to remember [about animals]:
12267 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
12269 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
12270 front of your clothes;
12271 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
12272 you have just kicked.
12273 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12275 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
12276 And tasted it, and found it good.
12277 And that is why your Cousin May
12278 Fell through the parlor floor today.
12281 Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
12284 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
12286 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
12288 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
12289 pens will multiply instead of disappear.
12291 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
12293 "Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
12296 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
12299 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
12301 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
12302 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
12303 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
12304 and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
12305 best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
12306 we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
12308 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
12309 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
12311 Song Title of the Week:
12312 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
12315 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
12316 paid may disregard this fortune).
12318 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
12320 Sorry, no fortune this time.
12322 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
12323 bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
12324 road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
12325 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
12327 "Spare no expense to save money on this one."
12330 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
12331 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
12332 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
12335 Speak roughly to your little boy,
12336 And beat him when he sneezes:
12337 He only does it to annoy
12338 Because he knows it teases.
12342 I speak severely to my boy,
12343 And beat him when he sneezes:
12344 For he can thoroughly enjoy
12345 The pepper when he pleases!
12348 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
12350 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
12351 And boot it when it crashes;
12352 It knows that one cannot relax
12353 Because the paging thrashes!
12357 I speak severely to my VAX,
12358 And boot it when it crashes;
12359 In spite of all my favorite hacks
12360 My jobs it always thrashes!
12364 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
12366 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
12369 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
12370 sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
12371 cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
12372 the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
12373 bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
12374 controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
12375 passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
12376 memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
12377 no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
12378 designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
12380 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
12382 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
12383 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
12384 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
12385 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
12386 Helpless users with projects due
12387 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
12389 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
12390 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
12392 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
12393 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
12396 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
12397 these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
12398 to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
12399 communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
12400 on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
12401 life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
12402 communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____
\b\b\b\b\bleast
12403 he can do is to Shut Up!
12404 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
12406 "Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
12408 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
12409 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
12410 number of times you have looked at it.
12412 Spelling is a lossed art.
12414 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
12417 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
12419 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
12422 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
12423 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
12425 "Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
12426 drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'
\bee of bat guano; and the
12427 greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
12428 take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
12431 Stay away from flying saucers today.
12433 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
12435 "Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
12437 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
12438 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
12441 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
12442 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
12445 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
12447 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
12451 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
12452 fight the solutions.
12455 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
12457 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
12460 90% of everything is crud.
12462 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
12463 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
12466 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
12467 before it is understood.
12469 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
12471 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
12472 without his duck ...
12474 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
12476 To code the impossible code,
12477 To bring up a virgin machine,
12478 To pop out of endless recursion,
12479 To grok what appears on the screen,
12481 To right the unrightable bug,
12482 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
12483 To mount the unmountable magtape,
12484 To stop the unstoppable crash!
12486 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
12488 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
12490 Support your local police force -- steal!!
12492 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
12494 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
12496 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
12497 in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
12498 the room is punishable under law:
12502 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
12504 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
12507 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
12512 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
12514 Swipple's Rule of Order:
12515 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
12517 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
12518 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
12520 System/3! System/3!
12521 See how it runs! See how it runs!
12522 Its monitor loses so totally!
12523 It runs all its programs in RPG!
12524 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
12527 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
12528 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
12529 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
12531 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
12532 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
12533 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
12534 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
12535 -- The Roguelet's ABC
12537 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
12541 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
12543 Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
12545 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
12547 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
12549 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
12551 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
12552 needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
12555 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
12556 back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
12557 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
12558 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
12559 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
12560 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
12561 Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
12562 no need to improve ...
12563 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
12565 Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
12566 your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
12567 and they'll call you crazy.
12568 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
12570 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
12573 Talkers are no good doers.
12574 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
12576 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
12577 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
12579 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
12580 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
12581 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
12582 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
12584 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
12588 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
12592 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
12595 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
12596 grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
12598 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
12600 Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
12601 for going backwards.
12605 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
12606 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
12609 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
12610 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
12611 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
12612 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
12615 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
12619 "Terence, this is stupid stuff:
12620 You eat your victuals fast enough;
12621 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
12622 To see the rate you drink your beer.
12623 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
12624 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
12625 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
12626 It sleeps well the horned head:
12627 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
12628 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
12629 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
12630 Your friends to death before their time.
12631 Moping, melancholy mad:
12632 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
12635 "Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
12636 surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
12637 hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
12638 hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
12639 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
12641 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
12642 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
12643 until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
12644 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
12645 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
12646 fact, for he merely said:
12648 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
12649 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
12650 because it is impossible."
12652 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
12653 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
12654 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
12656 (Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
12658 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
12660 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
12662 "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
12663 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
12664 -- J. Finnegan, USC.
12666 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
12667 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
12669 "That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
12672 "That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
12674 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
12676 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
12679 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
12681 The Abrams' Principle:
12682 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
12684 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
12685 -- Thomas Jefferson
12687 The Advertising Agency Song:
12689 When your client's hopping mad,
12690 Put his picture in the ad.
12691 If he still should prove refractory,
12692 Add a picture of his factory.
12694 "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
12696 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
12698 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
12699 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
12700 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
12701 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
12702 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
12703 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
12704 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
12705 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
12706 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
12707 fire-fighting aircraft.
12709 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
12711 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
12712 River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
12715 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
12716 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
12717 and color, but also on ability.
12720 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
12723 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
12724 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
12725 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
12728 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
12730 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
12731 average man can see better than he can think.
12733 "The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
12734 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
12736 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
12738 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
12739 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
12740 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
12741 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
12742 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
12743 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
12744 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
12745 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
12746 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
12747 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
12748 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
12749 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
12751 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
12753 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
12754 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
12755 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
12756 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
12757 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
12758 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
12759 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
12760 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
12761 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
12762 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
12763 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
12764 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
12765 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
12767 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
12768 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
12770 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
12773 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
12775 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
12777 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
12778 blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
12779 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
12780 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
12781 love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
12782 know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only
12783 one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
12784 wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
12785 never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
12786 dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a
12787 lot of things there are to learn."
12788 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
12790 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
12794 The bigger the theory the better.
12796 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
12800 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
12801 Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
12803 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been
12804 known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
12805 in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
12806 under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
12807 people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
12808 city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
12809 umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
12810 activity that frightens the horses on the street ...
12812 "The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
12814 The bogosity meter just pegged.
12816 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
12817 in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
12819 The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
12820 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
12821 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and
12822 convert to the next higher units.
12824 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
12825 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
12826 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
12829 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
12832 "The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
12833 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
12835 The camel has a single hump;
12837 Or else the other way around.
12838 I'm never sure. Are you?
12841 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
12842 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
12843 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
12844 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
12847 "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
12850 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
12851 at the steam fitters' picnic.
12853 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
12855 The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.
12858 The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
12862 "The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
12865 "The Computer made me do it."
12867 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
12870 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
12872 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
12874 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
12875 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
12876 every bird watcher in the country.
12877 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
12879 The Consultant's Curse:
12880 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
12881 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
12882 medicine, and is normally only required once.
12884 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
12885 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
12886 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
12887 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
12889 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
12891 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
12893 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
12896 The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
12900 The Crown is full of it!
12901 -- Nate Harris, 1775
12903 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should
12904 therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could
12905 hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to
12906 declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war,
12907 then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press.
12908 Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges.
12909 -- William Ellery Channing
12911 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
12913 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
12914 us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
12915 Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
12917 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
12919 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
12921 "The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
12922 into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
12923 out again, it would be a calamity."
12924 -- Benjamin Disraeli
12926 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
12927 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require
12931 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
12932 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
12934 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
12935 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
12936 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
12937 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
12938 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
12939 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
12940 Macaroons are ____
\b\b\b\bvery Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
12941 goyish. Lime soda is ____
\b\b\b\bvery goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
12942 Jews won't go near them ..."
12943 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
12945 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
12946 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
12948 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
12949 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
12950 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
12952 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show
12953 off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his
12954 next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the
12955 duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the
12956 duck and returned it to his master.
12957 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
12958 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't
12961 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
12962 and owns the worm farm.
12965 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
12967 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
12970 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
12971 weather forecasters.
12972 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
12974 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
12975 Compute' -- I forget which."
12976 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
12978 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
12980 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
12982 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
12983 symposium to follow.
12985 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
12986 their children to speak it.
12987 -- George Bernard Shaw
12989 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
12990 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
12993 The fact that it works is immaterial.
12996 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
12997 -- The Grateful Dead
13000 You have taken yourself too seriously.
13002 The First Commandment for Technicians:
13003 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
13004 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
13005 untechnician-like manner.
13007 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
13010 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
13011 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
13012 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
13013 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
13014 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
13015 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
13016 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
13017 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
13018 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
13019 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
13020 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
13021 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
13022 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
13023 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
13024 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
13025 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
13026 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
13027 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
13028 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
13029 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
13031 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
13032 management is that success equals skill.
13035 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
13036 child, was propounded to me by my father:
13037 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
13039 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
13041 "A herring," said my father.
13042 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
13043 "So hang it there."
13044 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
13046 "But a herring isn't wet."
13047 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
13048 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
13050 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
13052 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
13054 "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
13055 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
13056 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
13058 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
13061 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
13065 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
13066 The second, a trick.
13067 Later, it's a well-established technique!
13068 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
13070 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
13071 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
13073 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
13074 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
13075 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
13076 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
13078 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
13079 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
13080 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
13083 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
13084 people who want some.
13085 -- Dwight MacDonald
13087 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
13088 a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
13090 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
13094 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
13095 number of your kids by 32 teeth.
13097 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
13100 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
13102 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
13103 center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
13104 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
13105 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
13107 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
13110 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
13111 least until we've finished building it.
13113 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature
13114 is to build better mice.
13116 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
13117 love and he invented marriage.
13119 THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
13120 The one who has the gold makes the rules.
13122 "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
13123 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
13124 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
13125 man in the bonds of Hell."
13128 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
13131 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
13132 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
13133 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
13134 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
13135 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
13136 down anything he damn well pleases.
13137 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
13139 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
13140 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
13141 -- Benjamin Franklin.
13143 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
13144 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
13145 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
13146 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
13147 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
13149 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13151 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
13152 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
13153 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
13155 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
13158 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
13159 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,
13162 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
13163 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
13165 The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
13168 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
13169 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
13170 least 5000 years old."
13172 The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
13173 lists of "Ten Best".
13176 "The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
13177 has gills through which it can see."
13180 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
13181 -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
13183 The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
13184 protein -- it rejects it.
13187 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
13188 remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
13189 struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
13190 spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
13191 wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head
13192 off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.
13193 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
13195 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
13198 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
13199 procession but carrying a banner.
13202 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
13205 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
13206 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
13207 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
13208 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
13209 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
13210 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
13211 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
13212 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
13213 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
13214 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
13216 "The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
13219 "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
13223 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
13224 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
13225 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
13228 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
13229 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
13230 important thing to people.
13231 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
13233 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
13234 number of participants.
13237 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
13238 by the number of people in the group.
13240 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
13241 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
13242 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
13243 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
13245 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
13246 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
13247 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
13248 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
13250 The Kennedy Constant:
13251 Don't get mad -- get even.
13253 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
13255 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
13256 Would shudder at a wicked word.
13257 Their candle gives a single light;
13258 They'd rather stay at home at night.
13259 They do not keep awake till three,
13260 Nor read erotic poetry.
13261 They never sanction the impure,
13262 Nor recognize an overture.
13263 They shrink from powders and from paints ...
13264 So far, I've had no complaints.
13267 "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a
13268 word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
13272 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
13273 poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
13277 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
13279 -- Henry David Thoreau
13281 "The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
13282 men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
13283 universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
13284 presently imagine we own."
13287 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
13290 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
13292 The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
13296 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
13299 "The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
13300 we could with both of them."
13301 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
13303 The makers may make
13304 and the users may use,
13305 but the fixers must fix
13306 with but minimal clues
13308 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
13309 crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
13311 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
13313 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
13314 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
13317 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
13318 soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
13319 when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
13321 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
13323 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
13324 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
13327 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
13328 be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
13329 law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
13330 guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
13331 Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
13332 Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
13333 of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
13335 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
13338 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
13339 -- Laurence J. Peter
13341 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
13342 -- Nicol Williamson
13344 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
13346 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
13348 "The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
13349 lower the mailing cost."
13350 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
13352 The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
13353 robbers there will be.
13356 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
13358 The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
13361 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
13364 "The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
13365 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
13366 -- Theodore H. White
13368 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
13369 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
13372 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
13374 "The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
13375 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
13378 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
13379 Support your right to bare arms!
13381 The net of law is spread so wide,
13382 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
13383 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
13384 They take in every child of wrong.
13385 O wondrous web of mystery!
13386 Big fish alone escape from thee!
13387 -- James Jeffrey Roche
13389 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
13390 hope I don't get run over again.
13392 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
13393 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
13395 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
13396 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
13399 "The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
13400 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
13401 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
13402 and running the country ..."
13403 -- Robert J Woodhead
13405 The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
13407 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
13409 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
13411 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
13413 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
13414 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
13415 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
13416 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
13419 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
13423 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly
13424 analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their
13425 occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve
13426 these problems when called upon.
13428 However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to
13429 remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
13431 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
13432 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
13433 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate
13436 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
13438 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
13439 catch his own breath.
13440 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
13442 The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
13446 The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
13449 The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the
13450 `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
13451 -- Ernest Rutherford
13453 The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
13456 "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
13457 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
13460 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
13462 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
13463 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
13464 finished, and put inside boxes.
13465 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
13467 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any
13471 "The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
13475 "I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
13477 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
13479 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
13482 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
13485 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
13488 The optimum committee has no members.
13489 -- Norman Augustine
13491 "The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
13492 went back in time."
13495 The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
13497 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
13499 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
13500 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
13503 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
13504 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
13505 Let others think his heart is big,
13506 I think it stupid of the Pig.
13509 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter
13510 swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
13511 batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The
13512 center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute
13513 his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
13516 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
13519 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
13520 to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it
13521 is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
13522 courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
13523 preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
13524 social function of expressing true distaste.
13525 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
13526 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"
13528 "The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
13531 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
13532 Were each of them once a kiddie.
13533 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
13534 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
13537 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
13538 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
13539 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
13540 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
13542 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
13543 they might force their beliefs on us.
13546 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
13547 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
13548 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
13550 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
13552 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
13553 constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
13554 appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
13555 statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
13556 also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
13557 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
13559 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
13560 voters to win the next election.
13562 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
13563 represents the secondary theme:
13565 Law Enforcement Officials
13567 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
13569 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
13571 The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
13572 stupidity of your action.
13574 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
13575 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
13576 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
13577 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
13578 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
13579 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
13580 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
13582 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
13584 The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
13588 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
13591 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
13592 problems in order to get results.
13594 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
13595 problems in order to get results.
13597 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
13598 pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
13599 -- Elizabeth Taylor
13601 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
13603 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
13604 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
13605 mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once
13606 tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
13607 the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
13608 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13610 "The pyramid is opening!"
13612 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
13613 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
13614 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
13616 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
13617 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
13619 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
13620 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
13621 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
13623 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
13625 The rain it raineth on the just
13626 And also on the unjust fella,
13627 But chiefly on the just, because
13628 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
13630 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
13633 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
13635 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
13636 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
13637 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
13638 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
13639 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
13641 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
13645 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
13646 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
13647 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
13648 -- George Bernard Shaw
13650 The revolution will not be televised.
13652 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
13655 The rhino is a homely beast,
13656 For human eyes he's not a feast.
13657 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
13658 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
13661 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This
13662 means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
13664 "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
13665 and to his imagination for his facts."
13668 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
13669 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
13671 "The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
13672 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
13673 you have and what rights you have not got."
13674 -- J. Parnell Thomas
13676 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
13680 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
13681 one who is doing it.
13683 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
13684 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
13685 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
13686 take it too seriously.
13687 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
13689 The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
13690 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
13691 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
13693 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
13695 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
13696 showed that all had these things in common:
13698 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
13699 (2) They all came from middle class homes
13700 (3) All but two of them were dead.
13702 The scum also rises.
13703 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
13705 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
13706 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
13707 from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
13708 milestones are lifted.
13709 -- George Bernard Shaw
13711 The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
13712 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
13713 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
13716 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
13718 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
13721 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
13722 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
13723 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
13727 "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity
13728 and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
13729 activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...
13730 neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
13732 "The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
13734 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
13736 "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
13738 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
13739 able to correct them.
13742 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
13744 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
13745 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
13746 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
13747 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
13748 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
13749 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
13750 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
13751 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
13752 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
13753 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
13754 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
13755 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
13756 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
13758 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
13760 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
13762 The steady state of disks is full.
13765 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
13767 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
13769 "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
13770 is an emerging underachiever."
13772 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
13775 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
13776 even any property taxes."
13777 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
13779 The sum of the Universe is zero.
13781 The sun was shining on the sea,
13782 Shining with all his might:
13783 He did his very best to make
13784 The billows smooth and bright --
13785 And this was very odd, because it was
13786 The middle of the night.
13787 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
13789 The superfluous is very necessary.
13792 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
13795 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
13796 authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
13797 the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
13798 the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
13799 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
13800 as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
13801 receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
13802 Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
13803 heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
13804 the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
13805 heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
13806 radiation, (_
\bH/_
\bE)^4 = 50, where _
\bE is the absolute temperature of the
13807 earth (-300K), gives _
\bH as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
13808 cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
13809 fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
13810 burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
13811 that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
13812 have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
13813 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
13815 The Third Law of Photography:
13816 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
13817 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark
13820 The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
13822 The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
13823 The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
13825 The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
13827 The trouble with a kitten is that
13828 When it grows up, it's always a cat
13831 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
13833 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
13835 -- Franklin P. Jones
13837 The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
13838 more important to do.
13840 The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
13841 appreciates how difficult it was.
13843 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
13846 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
13849 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
13852 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
13853 Which practically conceal its sex.
13854 I think it clever of the turtle
13855 In such a fix to be so fertile.
13858 "The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
13861 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
13862 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
13865 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
13866 "100 percent American"...
13867 -- U. S. Army (1945)
13869 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
13870 everybody and still nobody likes him.
13873 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
13876 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
13877 combination is locked up in the safe.
13880 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
13881 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
13882 to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
13883 decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
13885 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
13886 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
13887 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
13888 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
13889 world put together.
13890 -- Sir Peter Medawar
13892 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
13893 regarded as a criminal offense.
13896 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
13900 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
13904 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
13905 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
13906 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
13907 be one of the facts that needs altering.
13908 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
13910 "The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
13912 "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
13913 it's just a tired feeling:"
13915 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
13917 "The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
13918 that would be clearly understood."
13921 "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
13922 with a large fortune."
13924 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
13925 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
13926 It must have blown through someone's feet,
13927 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
13930 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
13932 The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
13934 The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
13936 The world's as ugly as sin,
13937 And almost as delightful
13938 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
13940 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
13941 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
13944 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
13946 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
13947 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
13950 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
13951 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
13953 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
13954 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
13955 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
13956 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
13958 Then here's to the City of Boston,
13959 The town of the cries and the groans.
13960 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
13961 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
13962 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
13964 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
13965 and praiseworthy ...
13966 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13968 There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
13971 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
13972 are chosen correctly.
13974 There are no games on this system.
13976 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
13977 existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
13978 marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
13979 engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
13980 obviously impossible.
13981 -- Richard Davisson
13983 There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
13984 truth without lying.
13986 There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
13987 vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
13990 "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
13991 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
13992 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
13995 "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
13996 and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
13997 pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
13998 them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
13999 stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
14001 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
14003 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
14006 "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
14007 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
14008 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
14010 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
14011 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
14012 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
14013 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
14014 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
14015 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
14016 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
14017 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
14019 "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
14020 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
14022 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
14024 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
14025 the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
14026 facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
14027 fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
14028 Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
14029 Factor; that's engineering.
14031 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
14035 There are three ways to get something done:
14036 (1) Do it yourself.
14037 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
14038 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
14040 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
14043 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
14044 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
14045 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
14046 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
14048 There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
14049 sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
14052 "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
14053 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
14054 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
14058 "There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
14059 other is to read Pope."
14062 There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
14065 There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
14066 suitable application of high explosives.
14068 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
14071 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
14074 There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
14078 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
14081 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
14085 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
14086 paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
14088 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
14090 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
14091 tied during the month of April.
14093 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
14096 "There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
14097 Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
14098 love of the Fatherland."
14101 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
14102 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
14103 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
14106 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14107 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
14109 "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
14111 -- Arthur C. Clarke
14113 There *__
\b\bis* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
14115 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
14118 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
14119 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
14120 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
14121 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
14123 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
14125 "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
14127 -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
14130 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
14131 -- George Bernard Shaw
14133 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
14136 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
14138 There is no time like the pleasant.
14140 There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
14143 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
14144 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
14146 "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
14147 said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
14148 a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
14149 question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
14150 there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
14151 the middle of the night?'"
14153 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
14154 ocean level wouldn't cure.
14157 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
14158 that is not being talked about.
14161 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
14162 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
14165 There once was a girl named Irene
14166 Who lived on distilled kerosene
14167 But she started absorbin'
14169 And since then has never benzene.
14171 There once was a member of Mensa
14172 Who was a most excellent fencer.
14173 The sword that he used
14174 Was his -- (line is refused,
14175 And has now been removed by the censor).
14177 There once was an old man from Esser,
14178 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
14179 It at last grew so small,
14180 He knew nothing at all,
14181 And now he's a College Professor.
14183 "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
14185 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
14187 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
14188 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
14189 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
14190 started debating who should be allowed to stay.
14192 The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
14193 over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
14194 would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
14195 said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
14196 thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
14199 There was a young lady from Hyde
14200 Who ate a green apple and died.
14201 While her lover lamented
14202 The apple fermented
14203 And made cider inside her inside.
14205 There was a young man who said "God,
14206 I find it exceedingly odd,
14207 That the willow oak tree
14209 When there's no one about in the Quad."
14211 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
14212 For I'm always about in the Quad;
14213 And that's why the tree,
14215 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
14217 There was a young poet named Dan,
14218 Whose poetry never would scan.
14219 When told this was so,
14220 He said, "Yes, I know.
14221 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
14223 "There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
14224 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
14225 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
14229 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
14230 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
14231 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
14232 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
14233 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
14234 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
14235 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
14236 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
14237 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
14238 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
14239 telephone business?
14241 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
14244 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
14245 allows you to install Windows.
14246 -- Matthew D. Fuller
14248 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
14250 There's little in taking or giving,
14251 There's little in water or wine:
14252 This living, this living, this living,
14253 Was never a project of mine.
14254 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
14255 The gain of the one at the top,
14256 For art is a form of catharsis,
14257 And love is a permanent flop,
14258 And work is the province of cattle,
14259 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
14260 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
14261 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
14264 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
14265 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
14268 There's no future in time travel.
14270 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
14273 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
14276 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
14278 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
14282 "There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead
14284 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
14286 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
14287 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
14290 "There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
14293 There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
14294 what it is I'll get married again.
14297 There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
14298 becoming an endangered synthetic.
14301 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
14302 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
14303 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
14304 out of MEGATON MAN!"
14306 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
14307 used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
14309 They also surf who only stand on waves.
14311 "They make a desert and call it peace."
14312 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
14314 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
14315 always spell better than they pronounce.
14318 "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
14319 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
14320 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
14322 "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
14324 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
14325 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
14326 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
14327 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
14329 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
14330 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
14331 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
14332 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
14334 My notion was to start again
14335 Ignoring all they'd done
14336 We quickly turned it into code
14337 To see if it would run.
14339 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
14341 "They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
14345 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
14347 Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
14349 Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
14351 Think honk if you're a telepath.
14353 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
14355 Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
14358 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
14360 "Thirty days hath Septober,
14361 April, June, and no wonder.
14362 all the rest have peanut butter
14363 except my father who wears red suspenders."
14365 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
14367 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
14368 please use the program "________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\brandchar". This program generates random
14369 characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
14370 something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
14371 more profound than THIS program has ever been.
14373 This fortune intentionally not included.
14375 This fortune is false.
14377 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
14379 "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
14380 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
14383 "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
14387 "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
14388 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
14390 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
14391 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
14392 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
14393 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
14394 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
14395 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
14396 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
14397 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
14398 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
14399 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
14400 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
14401 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
14402 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
14403 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
14404 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
14406 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
14408 This is for all ill-treated fellows
14409 Unborn and unbegot,
14410 For them to read when they're in trouble
14414 "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
14416 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
14418 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
14420 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
14422 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
14423 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
14424 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
14425 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
14426 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
14427 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
14428 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
14429 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
14430 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
14431 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
14432 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
14433 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
14434 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
14435 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
14437 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
14438 power of computers:
14440 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
14441 the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
14442 minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
14443 results are that one should eat each day:
14447 1 glass of skim milk
14448 27 heads of lettuce.
14449 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
14451 This is the ____
\b\b\b\bLAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
14453 This is the story of the bee
14454 Whose sex is very hard to see
14456 You cannot tell the he from the she
14457 But she can tell, and so can he
14459 The little bee is never still
14460 She has no time to take the pill
14462 And that is why, in times like these
14463 There are so many sons of bees.
14465 This is your fortune.
14467 This land is full of trousers!
14468 this land is full of mausers!
14469 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
14470 -- Firesign Theater
14472 This land is made of mountains,
14473 This land is made of mud,
14474 This land has lots of everything,
14475 For me and Elmer Fudd.
14477 This land has lots of trousers,
14478 This land has lots of mousers,
14479 And pussycats to eat them
14480 When the sun goes down.
14482 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
14483 you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
14486 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
14488 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
14492 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
14493 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
14494 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
14495 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
14496 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
14497 paper that were unhappy.
14500 "This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
14501 something child-like."
14502 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
14504 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
14505 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
14507 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
14508 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
14509 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
14510 which identifies errors in the original program.
14512 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
14515 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
14518 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
14521 Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
14523 Those who can't write, write manuals.
14525 "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
14528 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
14531 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
14532 for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
14535 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
14536 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
14539 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
14541 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
14542 revolution inevitable.
14545 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are
14546 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
14547 without the roar of its many waters.
14548 -- Frederick Douglass
14550 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
14551 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
14552 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
14553 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
14554 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
14555 more about the matter than the others.
14556 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14558 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
14560 Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
14563 Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
14566 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
14567 Before his life is done,
14568 To write three lines of APL,
14569 And make the damn things run.
14571 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
14580 "To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
14581 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
14582 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
14585 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
14586 call it the target.
14588 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
14589 of four kids and one bathroom.
14592 "To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
14594 To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
14596 To err is human, to moo bovine.
14598 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
14601 To generalize is to be an idiot.
14604 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
14605 men, two of them absent.
14607 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
14610 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
14612 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
14614 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
14617 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
14618 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
14619 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
14620 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
14621 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
14622 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
14623 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
14624 secure ecological niche.
14625 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
14627 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
14628 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
14629 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
14630 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
14631 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
14633 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
14634 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
14635 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
14636 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
14637 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
14638 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
14639 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
14640 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
14641 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
14642 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
14643 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
14646 "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
14648 "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
14651 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
14653 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
14655 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
14657 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
14659 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
14661 "Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
14662 except in major motion pictures."
14663 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
14665 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
14667 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
14668 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
14670 "Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
14671 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
14672 spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
14675 Toilet Toup'
\bee, n.:
14676 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
14677 creating endless annoyance to male users.
14678 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
14680 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
14682 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
14684 Too clever is dumb.
14687 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
14690 Too much of everything is just enough.
14693 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
14695 -- Governor Jerry Brown
14697 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
14699 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
14700 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
14701 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
14702 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
14703 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
14704 assurance people in its wake.
14705 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
14706 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
14707 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
14708 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
14709 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
14710 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
14711 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
14713 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
14714 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
14716 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
14717 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
14718 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
14723 Follow these simple suggestions:
14725 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
14726 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
14727 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
14729 (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
14730 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
14732 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
14734 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
14736 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
14737 in eucalyptus trees.
14739 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
14743 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
14746 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
14749 Dumb and illiterate.
14750 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14752 Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
14755 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
14758 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
14759 is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
14760 in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
14761 pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
14762 defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
14763 absolutely perfect future.
14766 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
14768 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
14769 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
14771 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
14774 Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____
\b\b\b\byell into keyboard.
14777 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
14781 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
14783 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
14784 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
14786 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
14787 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
14788 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
14789 And Cory raths outgrabe.
14791 "Beware the software rot, my son!
14792 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
14793 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
14794 The frumious system crash!"
14796 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
14797 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
14798 throughout our place of residence,
14799 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
14800 possessors of this potential, including that
14801 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
14802 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
14803 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
14804 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
14805 imminent visitation from an eccentric
14806 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
14807 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
14809 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
14812 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
14815 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
14816 said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
14817 second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
14818 chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
14819 only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
14820 courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
14821 If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
14822 dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
14823 must pay three silver pieces."
14825 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
14827 "Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
14828 I forget the second."
14830 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
14832 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
14833 Run right up and rub its horn.
14834 Look at all those points you're losing!
14835 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
14836 -- The Roguelet's ABC
14838 "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
14840 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
14841 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
14843 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
14845 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
14847 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
14849 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
14851 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
14852 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
14853 hammer or get a splinter in it.
14855 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
14856 just man is also in prison.
14857 -- Henry David Thoreau
14859 Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
14860 can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
14862 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
14863 Superiority is recessive.
14865 Unfair animal names:
14867 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
14868 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
14869 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
14872 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
14873 Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
14874 all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
14875 all the patriots of every persuasion.
14877 Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
14885 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
14886 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
14889 unix soit qui mal y pense
14891 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
14892 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
14896 If it happens, it must be possible.
14898 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
14899 twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
14902 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
14905 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
14908 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
14909 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
14911 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
14914 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
14915 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
14918 Vail's Second Axiom:
14919 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
14920 amount of work already completed.
14922 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
14923 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
14927 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
14930 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
14931 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
14932 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
14933 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
14934 and sour won ton soup.
14936 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
14937 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
14939 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
14944 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
14946 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
14947 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
14948 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
14950 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
14953 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
14956 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
14957 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
14958 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
14959 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
14960 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
14961 that old underwear you own.
14963 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
14964 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
14965 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
14966 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
14969 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
14971 Virtue is its own punishment.
14973 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
14974 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
14976 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
14978 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
14982 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
14985 VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
14987 "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
14990 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
14991 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
14992 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
14993 (Waiter exits, returns)
14994 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
14996 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
14998 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
14999 -- Charles Edward Montague
15001 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
15004 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
15005 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
15006 your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
15008 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
15010 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
15011 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
15013 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
15015 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
15017 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
15020 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
15022 Wasting time is an important part of living.
15025 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
15026 number and significance of any persons watching it.
15028 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
15029 divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
15030 correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
15033 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
15036 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
15037 -- Winston Churchill
15039 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
15040 -- Whole Earth Catalog
15042 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
15043 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
15045 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
15046 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
15047 bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
15051 "We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
15053 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
15055 "We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
15056 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
15058 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
15060 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
15061 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
15062 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
15064 "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
15067 "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
15069 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
15072 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
15073 hardware, but we can *___
\b\b\bsee* the blinking lights!
15075 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
15076 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
15078 "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
15079 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
15080 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
15081 our grave singing Haleleuia ..."
15084 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
15087 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
15088 back to normal, and that they already have.
15090 "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
15091 hands for masturbation."
15094 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
15095 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
15096 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
15097 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
15098 said "ELECTROCUTION".
15100 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
15101 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
15102 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
15103 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
15104 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
15105 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
15106 floor, which is how the police would find you.
15108 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
15109 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
15111 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
15112 purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
15113 with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
15114 playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
15115 best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
15116 buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
15119 We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
15120 respect their good judgement.
15122 We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
15123 no matter how self-seeking.
15124 -- F. G. Withington
15126 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
15127 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
15128 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
15129 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
15130 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
15131 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
15132 ugly paneling is to begin with.
15133 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
15135 We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
15136 friends are trying to kill us.
15138 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
15139 technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
15141 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
15142 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
15143 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
15144 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
15145 in the end a summer with wild winds &
15146 new friends will be.
15148 We wish you a Hare Krishna
15149 We wish you a Hare Krishna
15150 We wish you a Hare Krishna
15151 And a Sun Myung Moon!
15155 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
15158 Weinberg's First Law:
15159 Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
15161 Weinberg's Principle:
15162 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
15163 sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
15165 Weinberg's Second Law:
15166 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
15167 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
15169 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
15170 There are no answers, only cross references.
15172 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
15173 you run out of food.
15174 -- Dean McLaughlin.
15176 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
15177 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
15179 -- The Mahabharata.
15181 "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
15183 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
15184 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
15185 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
15186 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
15187 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
15188 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
15189 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
15190 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
15191 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
15192 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
15193 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
15194 the entire show without answering a single question ...
15195 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
15197 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
15198 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
15199 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
15200 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
15201 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
15203 "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___
\b\b\bcan*
15205 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
15207 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
15208 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
15209 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
15210 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15212 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
15213 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
15214 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
15215 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15217 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
15218 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
15219 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
15220 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
15221 -- Core Dumped Blues
15223 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
15225 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
15226 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
15229 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
15230 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
15231 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
15232 in his bowl full of jelly.
15233 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
15235 We're only in it for the volume.
15238 Westheimer's Discovery:
15239 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
15240 couple of hours in the library.
15243 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
15245 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
15246 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
15247 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
15250 "What are we going to do?"
15252 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
15253 something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
15254 short initiation period."
15256 "What are you doing?"
15258 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
15259 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
15260 initiation period."
15262 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
15264 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
15266 What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
15268 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
15270 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
15272 "What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
15273 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
15274 country. Nice try anyway, George."
15275 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
15277 What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
15280 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
15283 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
15284 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
15285 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
15286 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
15287 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
15288 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
15289 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
15290 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
15291 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
15292 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
15293 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
15294 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
15295 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
15296 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
15297 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
15298 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
15300 What I tell you three times is true.
15302 "What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
15303 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
15304 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
15305 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
15307 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
15309 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
15311 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
15312 definitely overpaid for my carpet.
15313 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15315 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
15316 worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
15317 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15319 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
15322 What is mind? No matter.
15323 What is matter? Never mind.
15324 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
15326 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
15327 computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
15328 and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
15330 "What is the Nature of God?"
15332 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
15336 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
15338 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
15341 "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
15344 "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
15345 which is the exact opposite."
15346 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
15348 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
15350 "What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
15351 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
15353 What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
15354 to compare it with.
15356 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
15357 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
15358 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
15359 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
15360 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
15361 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
15362 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
15365 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
15366 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
15368 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
15370 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
15372 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
15374 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
15376 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
15379 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
15381 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
15383 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
15385 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
15387 What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
15389 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
15390 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
15392 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
15393 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
15394 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
15395 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
15396 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
15397 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
15398 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
15399 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
15401 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
15403 Whatever became of eternal truth?
15405 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
15406 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
15407 as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
15408 hundred dollar bills."
15411 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
15413 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
15415 "Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
15419 "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
15422 "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
15425 When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
15429 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
15430 thing," it's the money.
15433 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
15436 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
15437 not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
15438 travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
15441 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
15442 sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
15443 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
15444 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
15447 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
15449 "When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
15450 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
15453 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
15454 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
15455 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
15457 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
15458 think it was a Tuesday.
15460 When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
15463 "When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
15464 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
15468 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
15469 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
15470 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
15471 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
15473 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
15474 ladies, and, of course, the goat.
15476 When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
15477 I'm beginning to believe it.
15480 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
15481 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
15485 "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
15486 firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
15489 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
15490 the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
15493 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
15494 act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
15495 group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
15496 six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
15497 together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
15498 Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
15499 responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
15500 establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
15501 been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
15502 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
15503 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
15505 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
15506 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
15507 cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
15508 go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
15511 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
15513 "When in doubt, tell the truth."
15516 When in doubt, use brute force.
15519 When in panic, fear and doubt,
15520 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
15522 When love is gone, there's always justice.
15523 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
15524 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
15528 When Marriage is Outlawed,
15529 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
15531 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
15535 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
15536 concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
15537 and I find I mind it less and less."
15538 -- Louise Andrews Kent
15540 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
15541 for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
15542 your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
15545 When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
15546 say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
15548 "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
15551 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
15552 modify the problem, not the remedy.
15554 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
15555 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
15556 nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____
\b\b\b\bthat.
15557 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15559 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
15563 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
15564 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
15565 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
15566 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
15567 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
15568 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
15570 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
15574 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
15575 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
15576 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
15577 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
15578 -- George Bernard Shaw
15580 When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
15584 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
15585 except our fingertips will have been singed.
15586 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
15588 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
15589 investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
15590 so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
15591 swayed, directly to the goal.
15594 "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
15596 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
15598 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
15601 "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
15602 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
15604 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
15605 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
15606 know the answer either.
15607 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
15609 When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
15610 -- The Wall Street Journal
15612 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
15613 impression you will make.
15615 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
15616 Wretched, bored, dejected; only
15617 Here's the rub, my darling dear
15618 I feel the same when you are near.
15619 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
15621 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
15623 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
15626 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
15627 see it tried on him personally.
15630 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
15633 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
15634 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
15635 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
15637 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
15639 Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
15643 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
15645 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
15646 When it's converted to energy?
15647 There is a slight loss of parity.
15648 Johnny's so long at the fair.
15650 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
15651 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
15652 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
15654 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
15656 Whether you can hear it or not
15657 The Universe is laughing behind your back
15658 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
15660 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
15662 While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
15663 admission to someone else.
15665 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
15666 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
15667 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
15668 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
15669 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
15670 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
15671 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
15674 While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
15676 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
15677 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
15678 -- Edward Stevenson
15680 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
15683 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
15686 While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
15687 correctness never does.
15689 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
15690 reassuring to know that it's still there.
15692 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
15693 safe, for you can watch both of his.
15694 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15697 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
15700 "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
15701 Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
15703 Who made the world I cannot tell;
15704 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
15705 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
15706 I never soiled with such a deed.
15709 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
15711 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
15713 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
15716 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
15718 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
15722 "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
15723 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
15726 "Why be a man when you can be a success?"
15729 Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
15732 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
15734 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
15735 avoid responsibility with?
15737 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
15740 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
15742 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
15743 there must be a beverage.
15744 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
15746 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
15749 New Jersey had first choice.
15751 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
15753 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
15755 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
15757 I'd LOVE to, but ...
15758 -- I have to floss my cat.
15759 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
15760 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
15761 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
15762 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
15763 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
15764 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
15765 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
15766 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
15767 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
15768 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
15769 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
15771 "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
15772 because we are not the person involved"
15775 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
15777 "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
15780 "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
15781 you knowing nothing?"
15782 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
15784 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
15785 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
15786 children open their old-fashioned presents.
15788 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
15790 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
15791 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
15793 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
15794 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
15795 and I get this cretin TOP?"
15797 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
15799 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
15801 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
15802 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
15804 "Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
15807 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
15808 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
15809 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
15810 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
15814 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
15816 Williams and Holland's Law:
15817 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
15818 statistical methods.
15820 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
15821 it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
15824 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
15825 ... by leaving it out.
15826 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15828 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
15829 try to be a fraud and a half.
15830 -- Otto von Bismark
15832 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
15833 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
15835 With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
15836 build a nuclear balm?
15838 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
15839 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
15840 still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
15841 such thing as progress.
15844 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
15846 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
15847 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
15848 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
15849 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
15850 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
15851 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
15852 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
15855 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
15856 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
15857 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
15858 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
15859 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
15860 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
15863 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
15864 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
15865 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
15866 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
15867 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
15868 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
15869 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
15870 although their insurance rates went way up.
15871 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
15873 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
15874 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
15875 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
15876 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
15877 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
15880 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
15883 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
15886 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
15887 August. The lines are the shortest, though.
15888 -- Steve Rubenstein
15890 Worst Month of the Year:
15891 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
15892 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
15893 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
15894 -- Steve Rubenstein
15896 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
15897 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
15898 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
15899 damage my videotapes?"
15901 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
15902 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
15904 -- Steve Rubenstein
15906 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
15908 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
15911 "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
15912 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
15913 if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
15914 and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
15915 and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
15917 Write-Protect Tab, n.:
15918 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
15919 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
15920 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the
15921 momentary inconvenience.
15924 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
15927 "Wrong," said Renner.
15929 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
15930 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
15932 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
15934 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
15937 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
15938 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
15939 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
15941 X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
15942 imagination is the plot.
15944 "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
15945 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
15946 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
15947 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
15948 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
15949 -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
15951 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
15952 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
15953 operators together.
15956 "Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
15959 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
15960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15962 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
15964 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
15966 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
15967 be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
15970 Yesterday upon the stair
15971 I met a man who wasn't there.
15972 He wasn't there again today --
15973 I think he's from the CIA.
15975 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
15976 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
15979 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
15981 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
15983 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
15994 But you're not all there.
15996 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
15997 "All your papers these days look the same;
15998 Those William's would be better unread --
15999 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
16001 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
16002 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
16003 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
16004 Made it pointless to think any more."
16006 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
16007 "And your hair has become very white;
16008 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
16009 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
16011 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
16012 "I feared it might injure the brain;
16013 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
16014 Why, I do it again and again."
16017 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
16018 That your lectures bore people to death.
16019 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
16020 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
16022 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
16023 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
16024 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
16025 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
16027 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
16028 For anything tougher than suet;
16029 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
16030 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
16032 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
16033 And argued each case with my wife;
16034 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
16035 Has lasted the rest of my life."
16038 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
16039 And there isn't one language you like;
16040 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
16041 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
16043 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
16044 "Every language looks equally bad;
16045 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
16046 And don't realize that they've been had."
16048 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
16049 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
16050 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
16051 Pray what is the reason of that?"
16053 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
16054 "I kept all my limbs very supple
16055 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
16056 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
16059 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
16060 And make errors few people could bear;
16061 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
16062 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
16064 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
16065 "But my stature these days is so great
16066 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
16067 And to stop me it's now far too late."
16069 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
16070 That your eye was as steady as ever;
16071 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
16072 What made you so awfully clever?"
16074 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
16075 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
16076 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
16077 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
16080 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
16082 You are the only person to ever get this message.
16084 You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
16085 this sort of trash.
16087 You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
16089 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
16090 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
16091 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
16092 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
16093 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
16094 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
16095 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
16097 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
16098 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
16100 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
16102 "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
16103 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
16104 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
16106 You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
16109 "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
16110 Why do you find that funny?"
16111 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
16113 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
16114 can with just a kind word.
16117 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
16119 -- Franklin P. Jones
16121 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
16123 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
16124 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
16127 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
16129 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
16130 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
16131 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
16134 You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
16138 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
16140 "You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
16141 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
16143 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
16145 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
16147 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
16149 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
16151 "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
16154 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
16155 -- Booker T. Washington
16157 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
16159 "You can't make a program without broken egos."
16161 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
16162 enough worrying about what's happening now.
16165 "You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
16166 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
16169 "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
16171 -- Dagwood Bumstead
16173 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
16174 and last month in advance.
16176 You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
16178 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
16180 You do not have mail.
16182 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
16185 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
16187 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
16189 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
16190 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
16191 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
16192 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
16193 names. Here's the complete text:
16195 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
16196 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
16197 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
16198 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
16199 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
16200 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
16201 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
16202 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
16204 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
16205 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
16207 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
16209 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
16211 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
16213 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
16215 You are permanently confused.
16218 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
16219 metal objects which are not fastened down.
16221 You have junk mail.
16223 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
16226 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
16229 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
16230 you people are all going to owe me big.
16233 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
16234 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
16236 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
16237 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
16238 you can always change the channel.
16241 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
16242 -- S. Rickly Christian
16244 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
16245 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
16247 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
16248 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
16250 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
16252 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
16254 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
16256 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
16257 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
16260 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
16264 You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
16267 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
16268 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
16269 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
16270 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
16271 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
16273 You might have mail
16275 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
16276 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
16277 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
16280 "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
16281 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
16283 You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
16286 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
16287 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
16288 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
16290 -- Charles A. Beard
16292 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
16295 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
16296 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
16297 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
16299 -- J. Wellington Wells
16301 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
16303 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
16304 know how seldom they do.
16307 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
16310 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
16312 -- Ernest Rutherford
16314 You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
16315 freedom and liberty.
16318 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
16319 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
16320 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
16321 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
16322 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
16323 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
16324 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
16325 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
16327 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
16328 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
16329 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
16330 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
16331 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
16332 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
16333 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
16334 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
16335 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
16336 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
16338 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
16340 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
16342 "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
16343 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
16344 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
16346 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
16348 You too can wear a nose mitten.
16350 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
16352 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
16353 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
16355 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
16357 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
16359 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
16361 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
16362 mayonnaise salesman.
16364 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
16366 You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
16369 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
16370 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
16374 "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
16376 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
16377 thing he tells you.
16379 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
16382 Your fault: core dumped
16384 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
16386 Your lucky color has faded.
16388 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
16390 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
16392 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
16394 You're at the end of the road again.
16396 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
16398 You're never too old to become younger.
16401 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
16404 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
16406 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
16408 "You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
16411 "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
16413 "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\byesterday* yet!"
16415 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
16416 -- Zippy the Pinhead
16418 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
16421 The result of shutting down a production line.
16423 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
16424 since I first called my brother's father dad.
16425 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
16427 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
16428 People are always available for work in the past tense.