1 This fortune brought to you by:
4 =======================================================================
6 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
7 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
9 =======================================================================
10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
12 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
18 Read the Warner paperback!
19 Invoke the Unix program!
20 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
39 you're splitting my ends.
43 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
44 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
47 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
48 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
49 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
50 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
51 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
52 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
53 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
54 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
56 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
57 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
58 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
62 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
63 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
64 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
65 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
66 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
67 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
68 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
70 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
74 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
77 A dozen, a gross and a score,
78 Plus three times the square root of four,
80 Plus five times eleven,
81 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
83 -- Gifts for Children --
85 This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
86 because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
87 and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
88 morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
89 exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
90 your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
91 Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
92 might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
93 me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
94 who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
95 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
99 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
100 ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
101 should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
102 clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
103 example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
104 three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
105 that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
106 at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
107 So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
108 years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
109 pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
111 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
112 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
114 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
120 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
121 of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
126 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
127 to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
128 "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
133 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
134 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
135 the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
136 each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
137 chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
138 nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
139 days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
140 seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
141 friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
142 Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
143 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
144 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
145 all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
147 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
149 Has your family tried 'em?
153 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
155 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
156 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
160 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
161 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
162 stains that indicate freshness.
164 It's grad exam time...
166 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
167 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
168 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
169 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
170 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
173 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
174 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
175 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
178 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
180 It's grad exam time...
182 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
183 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
184 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
187 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
188 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
189 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
190 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
193 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
194 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
195 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
197 Pittsburgh driver's test
199 a) extremely dangerous.
201 c) the fault of the previous administration.
202 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
203 The correct answer is b.
204 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
205 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
206 you have nothing to worry about.
208 Pittsburgh driver's test
209 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
211 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
214 The correct answer is d.
215 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
217 Pittsburgh driver's test
218 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
219 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
220 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
222 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
223 The correct answer is d.
224 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
226 Answer c is worth a half point.
228 Pittsburgh driver's test
234 The correct answer is b.
235 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
236 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
237 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
239 Pittsburgh driver's test
240 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
241 How often should you test it?
246 The correct answer is d.
247 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
248 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
250 Pittsburgh driver's test
251 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
252 but a steady left tail light. This means
253 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
254 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
255 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
256 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
257 d) The driver is from out of town.
258 The correct answer is d.
259 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
261 Pittsburgh driver's test
266 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
267 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
268 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
271 Pittsburgh driver's test
272 9: Roads are salted in order to
277 The correct answer is c.
278 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
279 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
280 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
283 THE STORY OF CREATION
287 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
288 and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
289 was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
290 registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
291 and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
292 Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
293 and there was morning, one interrupt ...
296 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
299 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
300 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
301 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
302 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
303 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
305 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
306 he met the traveling salesman.
307 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
308 in high-level language.
309 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
310 and Apples," commented Jack.
311 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
312 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
313 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
314 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
316 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
317 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
320 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
322 (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
323 (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
326 (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
327 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
328 (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
329 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
330 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
335 Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
336 And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
337 Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
339 Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
340 And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
341 Know what to kiss -- and when.
342 Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
344 Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
345 Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
346 And despite the changing fortunes of time,
347 There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
349 You are a fluke of the universe ...
350 You have no right to be here.
351 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
352 Is laughing behind your back.
356 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
358 Double bucky, you're the one!
359 You make my keyboard lots of fun
360 Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
362 Control and Meta side by side,
363 Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
364 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
366 Double bucky, left and right
367 OR'd together, outta sight!
368 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
369 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
370 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
371 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
372 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
373 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
376 Hard Copies and Chmod
378 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
379 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
380 user-hostile software
382 of course they're only bits and bytes
383 and characters and strings
386 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
387 telling me he loves me and
388 he'll take care of me
390 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
391 deep intimate secrets and
392 how he doesn't trust me
394 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
395 on personal stationery
396 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
398 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
399 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
400 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
401 will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
403 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
404 neither has street credibility.
405 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
406 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
408 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
410 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
411 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
412 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
413 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
414 up of western dualism?
415 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
418 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
419 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
420 All kludgy were the function flows
421 And subroutines adhoc.
423 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
424 squrooneg, the false goto
425 Beware the infiniteloop
426 And shun the inprectoo.
428 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
429 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
430 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
431 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
432 when you hit the ground.
433 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
434 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
435 to psychological problems.
436 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
437 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
438 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
439 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
440 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
441 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
442 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
443 staggering illegally.
444 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
445 sanitary due to limited circulation.
446 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
449 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
450 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
451 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
452 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
453 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
454 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
455 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
456 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
457 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
458 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
459 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
460 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
461 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
462 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
463 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
464 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
465 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
466 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
467 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
470 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
472 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
473 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
475 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
476 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
477 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
479 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
480 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
481 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
482 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
483 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
484 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
486 The Three Major Kind of Tools
488 * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
489 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
490 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
491 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
493 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
495 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
496 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
497 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
498 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
499 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
501 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
502 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
503 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
504 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
505 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
506 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
507 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
508 And we've also found Just flip one switch
509 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
510 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
512 Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
513 Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
514 And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
516 'Twas the Night before Crisis
518 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
519 Not a program was working not even a browse.
520 The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
521 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
522 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
523 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
524 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
525 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
526 And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
527 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
528 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
529 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
530 On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
531 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
532 His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
533 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
534 A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
535 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
537 What I Did During My Fall Semester
538 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
539 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
540 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
542 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
543 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
544 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
546 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
547 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
548 I found a thesis topic:
549 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
550 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
551 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
553 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
555 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
556 be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
557 agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
558 out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
559 of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
560 not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
561 conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
562 sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
563 close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
564 words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
565 must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
566 linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
567 metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
568 be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
569 writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
570 the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
576 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
580 The integral of z squared, dz
581 From 1 to the square root of 3
584 Is the log of the cube root of e
588 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
589 Plans to "Eat it later"
591 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
593 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
594 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
595 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
596 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
597 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
598 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
599 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
600 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
601 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
602 you should blame when you make a mistake.
604 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
605 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
606 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
608 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
610 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
613 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
614 to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
615 be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
616 would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
617 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
618 same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
619 "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
620 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
621 with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
622 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
623 Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
624 ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
625 ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
626 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
627 hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
629 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
630 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
631 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
632 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
633 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
635 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
636 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
637 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
638 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
640 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
641 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
642 try this simple test:
643 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
644 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
645 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
646 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
647 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
648 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
650 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
652 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
653 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
654 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
655 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
656 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
657 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
658 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
659 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
660 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
661 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
662 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
663 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
664 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
665 yourself in the morning.
668 \a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
670 System going down in 60 seconds
674 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
675 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
676 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
677 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
678 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
679 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
680 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
681 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
682 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
683 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
684 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
686 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
688 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
690 7,140 pounds on the Sun
691 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
693 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
694 43 pounds on the Moon
695 648 pounds on Jupiter
697 303 pounds on Neptune
700 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
703 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
704 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
705 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
706 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
708 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
709 of carp-to-carp walleting."
711 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
712 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
713 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
714 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
715 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
716 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
717 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
718 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
719 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
720 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
722 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
723 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
724 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
725 have what I think is a pretty good act."
726 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
727 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
728 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
729 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
730 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
731 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
732 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
733 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
734 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
735 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
738 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
741 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
742 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
743 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
744 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
745 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
747 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
748 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
749 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
750 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
751 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
752 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
753 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
754 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
755 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
756 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
758 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
759 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
761 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
762 house of seven gobbles.
764 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
765 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
766 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
767 sadly, "runneth over."
769 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
770 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
771 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
772 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
773 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
774 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
776 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
777 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
778 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
780 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
781 book The Martian Chronicles?"
783 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
786 He said "No." -- So I hit him.
787 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
789 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
790 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
792 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
793 The housewife replied, "Four!".
794 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
795 through my spread sheet one more time."
796 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
797 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
799 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
800 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
801 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
803 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
804 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
805 I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
806 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
807 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
808 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
810 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
811 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
812 The bartender ignores him.
813 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
815 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
816 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
817 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
818 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
819 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
820 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
821 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
823 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
824 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
825 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
826 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
827 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
828 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
829 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
830 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
831 told, "that one is 150,000."
832 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
833 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
834 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
835 -- being told in Poland, 1987
837 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
838 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
839 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
840 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
841 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
843 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
845 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
846 first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
847 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
848 and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
849 "But the collar is up around my ears!"
850 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
851 little more ... that's it."
852 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
853 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
854 go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
855 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
856 street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
857 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
858 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
859 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
861 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
862 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
863 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
864 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
865 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
866 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
867 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
868 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
870 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
871 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
872 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
873 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
874 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
875 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
876 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
877 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
879 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
880 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
881 was making a bolt for the door.
883 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
884 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
885 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
886 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
889 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
890 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
892 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
894 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
895 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
897 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
898 how long will it take?"
899 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
900 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
901 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
902 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
903 The programmer agreed to this.
904 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
905 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
906 He had been programming all night.
907 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
909 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
910 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
911 manager retained his job.
912 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
913 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
914 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
915 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
916 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
917 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
918 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
919 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
920 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
921 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
923 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
924 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
925 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
926 resigned on the spot.
927 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
928 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
929 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
930 hours of the morning.
931 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
933 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
934 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
935 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
936 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
937 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
938 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
939 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
940 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
941 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
943 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
945 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
946 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
947 he said, "may I examine it?"
948 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
949 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
950 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
951 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
953 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
955 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
956 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
957 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
959 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
960 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
962 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
963 "It is," came the reply.
964 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
965 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
966 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
967 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
968 over for today," he said.
969 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
973 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
974 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
975 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
976 today's minute attention span.
978 The Troubled Aardvark
980 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
981 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
982 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
983 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
984 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
985 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
986 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
987 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
988 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
989 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
990 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
992 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
995 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
996 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
998 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
999 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
1000 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
1001 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
1002 "If what?" asked the composer.
1003 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
1005 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
1006 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
1007 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
1008 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
1009 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
1010 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
1011 power-down sequence.
1012 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
1013 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
1014 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
1017 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
1018 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
1019 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
1020 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
1021 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
1022 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
1023 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
1024 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
1025 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
1026 entered the mystery of the Tao."
1027 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1029 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
1030 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
1031 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
1032 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
1033 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
1034 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
1035 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
1036 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
1037 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
1038 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
1040 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
1041 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1043 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
1044 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
1045 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
1047 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
1048 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
1049 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
1050 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
1051 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
1052 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1054 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
1055 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
1056 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
1057 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
1058 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
1059 unnatural entity exist?"
1060 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
1061 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
1062 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
1063 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
1064 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1066 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
1068 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
1069 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
1070 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
1071 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
1072 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
1073 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
1074 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1076 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
1077 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
1078 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
1079 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
1082 "A penny for your thoughts?"
1083 "A dollar for your death."
1086 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
1087 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
1088 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
1089 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
1090 party. He walked out into the night.
1091 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
1092 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
1094 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
1095 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
1096 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
1098 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
1099 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
1100 has killed them all.
1101 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
1102 went out to be killed?
1103 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
1104 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
1106 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
1107 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
1108 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
1109 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
1111 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this
1112 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
1113 way that astonishes him least.
1114 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1115 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1117 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1118 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1120 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1122 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1123 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1124 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1125 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1126 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1127 made rude noises during my presentation."
1128 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1129 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1130 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1131 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1132 with social conventions?"
1133 "They are alive within the Tao."
1134 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1136 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
1137 these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
1138 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
1141 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1142 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1143 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1144 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1145 which contained twelve more loons.
1146 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1147 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1148 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1149 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1151 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1152 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1153 his wellness potential."
1155 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1156 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1158 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1159 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1161 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1162 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1164 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1165 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1166 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1167 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1168 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1169 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1170 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1171 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1173 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1175 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1176 "This is a parson to parson call."
1177 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1178 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1179 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1180 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1181 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1182 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1183 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1184 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1185 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1188 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1189 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1190 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1192 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1193 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1194 really want to know.
1195 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1196 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1198 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1199 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1200 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1201 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1202 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1203 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1204 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1205 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1206 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1207 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1208 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1209 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1210 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1211 going to it is so large.
1212 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1213 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1214 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1215 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1216 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1217 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1218 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1220 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1221 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1222 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1223 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1224 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1225 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1226 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1227 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1228 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1230 "...A strange enigma is man!"
1231 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
1232 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
1233 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
1234 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
1235 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
1236 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
1238 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
1240 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
1242 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1243 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1244 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1245 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1246 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1247 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1248 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1250 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1251 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1252 suck the poison from the wound."
1253 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1254 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1255 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1256 who my real friends are."
1258 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1259 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1260 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1262 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1263 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1264 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1265 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1266 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1267 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1268 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1269 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1270 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1271 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1274 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1275 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1276 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1277 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1278 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1280 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
1281 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
1282 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
1284 "This is true," He replied.
1285 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
1286 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
1287 right to make his laws?"
1288 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
1291 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1293 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1294 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1295 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1296 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1297 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1298 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1301 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1302 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1303 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1304 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1306 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1307 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1308 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1309 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1310 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1311 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1312 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1313 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1314 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1315 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1316 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1317 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1318 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1319 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1320 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1321 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1324 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
1325 how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
1326 graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
1327 These are the things I learned:
1331 Put things back where you found them.
1332 Clean up your own mess.
1333 Don't take things that aren't yours.
1334 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
1335 Wash your hands before you eat.
1337 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
1338 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
1339 paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
1340 Take a nap every afternoon.
1341 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
1343 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
1344 cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
1345 how or why, but we are all like that.
1346 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
1347 the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
1348 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
1349 learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
1350 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
1351 Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
1353 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
1354 whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
1355 and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
1356 had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
1357 and to clean up their own mess.
1358 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
1359 out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
1360 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
1361 I Learned in Kindergarten"
1363 All that you touch, And all you create,
1364 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1365 All that you taste, All that you do,
1366 All you feel, And all you say,
1367 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1368 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1369 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1370 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1371 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1372 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1373 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1374 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1376 But the sun is eclipsed
1379 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1380 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1382 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1383 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1384 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1385 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1387 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1388 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1389 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1390 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1391 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1392 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1393 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1394 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1395 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1396 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1397 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1398 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1400 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1401 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1402 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1403 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1405 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1406 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1408 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1409 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1410 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1411 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1412 is ready to build a second system.
1413 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1414 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1415 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1416 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1418 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1419 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1420 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1421 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
1423 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1424 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1425 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1426 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1427 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1428 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1429 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1430 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1431 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1432 this head and pulls the trigger.
1433 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1435 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1436 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1438 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1439 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1440 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1441 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1442 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1443 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1444 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1445 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1446 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1447 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1448 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1449 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1450 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1451 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1453 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
1454 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
1455 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
1456 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
1457 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
1458 hour seems like a minute."
1459 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
1460 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
1461 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
1463 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1464 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1465 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1466 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1467 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1468 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1469 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1471 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1472 asked the father of his little son.
1475 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
1476 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
1477 someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
1478 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
1479 can at least make a decision."
1480 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
1481 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
1482 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
1483 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
1485 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1486 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1487 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1488 "That was the curious incident."
1489 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1491 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1492 preaching to a group of disciples.
1493 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1494 the absolute reality of --"
1495 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1496 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1498 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1499 with the spirit of the morning.
1500 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1502 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1503 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1505 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1506 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1507 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1508 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1509 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1510 Governor, and he vaporized.
1511 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1512 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1514 "Are you police officers?"
1515 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
1516 -- The Blues Brothers
1518 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
1519 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
1522 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1523 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1524 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1525 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1526 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1527 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1529 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1531 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1532 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1533 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1535 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1536 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
1538 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1539 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1540 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1541 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1542 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1543 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1544 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1545 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1546 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1547 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1549 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
1550 and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
1551 of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
1552 by their ignorance the hard way."
1553 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
1555 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1556 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1557 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1558 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1559 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1560 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1561 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1562 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1563 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1564 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1565 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1566 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1567 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1568 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1569 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1570 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1572 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
1575 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1576 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1577 still five feet between rails.
1578 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1579 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1580 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1581 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1582 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1583 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1584 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1585 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1586 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1588 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1590 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1591 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1592 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1593 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1594 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1595 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1596 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1597 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1598 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1599 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1600 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1601 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1602 it some other time, Carrie."
1604 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1606 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
1607 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
1608 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
1611 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1612 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1613 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1615 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
1616 way I ought to go from here?"
1617 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
1619 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
1620 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
1621 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
1623 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
1624 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1626 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1629 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1631 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1632 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1633 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1634 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1635 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1636 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1637 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1638 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1639 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1640 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1641 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1642 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1643 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1644 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1645 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1646 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1647 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1648 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1649 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1651 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1653 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1654 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1655 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1656 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1657 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1658 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1660 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1661 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1662 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1663 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1664 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1666 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1668 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1669 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1670 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1671 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1672 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1673 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1674 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1675 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1676 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1677 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1679 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1680 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1681 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1682 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1684 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1685 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1686 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1687 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1688 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1690 "Do you think there's a God?"
1691 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
1694 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1695 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1697 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1699 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
1700 Or is Vaseline better?
1702 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1703 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1704 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1705 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1706 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1707 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1708 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1709 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1710 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1711 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1712 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1714 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
1715 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
1716 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
1717 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
1719 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1720 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1721 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1722 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1723 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1724 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1725 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1726 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1727 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1728 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1729 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1730 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1731 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1732 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1733 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1734 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1735 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1736 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1737 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1739 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1740 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1741 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1742 She's a woman who conks to stupor.
1743 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1744 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1745 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1746 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1747 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1749 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
1750 were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
1751 red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
1752 "Hey, you almost hit my wife."
1753 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
1754 shot at mine, over there."
1756 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
1757 called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
1758 have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
1759 most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
1760 time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
1761 have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
1762 although God alone knows why it would want to.
1763 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
1764 direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
1765 have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
1766 direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
1767 harmful electron buildup in the wires.
1768 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1770 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1771 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1772 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1773 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1776 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1777 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1778 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1779 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1780 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1781 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1782 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1783 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1784 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1785 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1786 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1787 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1789 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1790 that she didn't recognize me.
1791 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1792 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1793 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1794 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1796 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1797 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1798 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1799 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1800 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1801 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1802 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1804 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
1805 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1806 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1807 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1808 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1809 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1810 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1811 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1812 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1813 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1814 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1815 energy policy and neither do you."
1816 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1818 "Fantasies are free."
1819 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
1821 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
1822 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
1823 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
1825 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
1826 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
1827 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
1828 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
1829 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
1830 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
1831 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
1832 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
1833 the little hammers strike.
1834 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
1835 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
1836 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
1838 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
1839 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
1840 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
1842 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
1843 of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
1849 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1850 "of course you know what `it' means."
1852 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1853 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1855 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1857 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1859 "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1861 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
1862 extracurricular activity except you."
1863 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1864 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1865 -- The Firesign Theatre
1867 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
1868 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
1869 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
1870 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
1871 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
1872 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
1873 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
1874 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
1875 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
1876 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
1877 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
1879 Thank you and good luck.
1880 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
1882 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
1884 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
1885 Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
1886 off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
1887 wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
1888 mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
1889 tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
1892 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
1893 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
1894 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
1895 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
1896 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
1897 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
1898 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
1899 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
1900 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
1901 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
1902 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
1903 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
1904 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
1905 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
1906 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
1907 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
1908 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
1909 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
1910 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
1911 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
1912 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
1913 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
1915 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
1917 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
1918 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
1919 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
1920 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
1921 had actually implicationed.
1922 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
1923 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
1924 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
1927 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
1928 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
1929 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
1930 to conquer the world.
1931 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
1932 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
1933 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
1934 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
1935 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
1936 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
1937 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1939 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
1940 "Yes; I don't have one."
1941 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
1942 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
1944 "Have you lived here all your life?"
1945 "Oh, twice that long."
1947 "Hawk, we're going to die."
1948 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
1951 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
1952 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
1953 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
1954 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
1955 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
1956 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
1957 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
1958 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
1960 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
1961 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
1963 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
1964 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
1965 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
1967 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
1969 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
1970 lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
1971 without darkening me.
1972 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
1974 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
1977 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
1982 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
1983 between amd64 and ia64."
1984 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
1985 know the difference then."
1986 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
1988 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
1989 willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
1990 for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
1991 "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
1992 centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
1993 trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
1994 because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
1995 object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
1996 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
1997 broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
1998 a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
1999 inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
2000 same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
2001 an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
2002 these sometime around the middle of next week".
2003 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2005 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
2006 of her blonde companion.
2007 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
2008 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
2011 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
2012 were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
2013 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
2014 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
2015 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
2016 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
2017 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
2018 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
2019 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
2021 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
2022 hers and not my own, not ever again."
2023 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
2025 "How many people work here?"
2028 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
2029 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
2030 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
2031 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
2033 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
2034 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
2035 full of money before."
2037 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
2038 misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
2039 the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
2040 see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
2041 background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
2042 uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
2043 cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
2044 remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
2045 line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
2046 The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
2047 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
2049 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
2051 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
2052 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
2053 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
2056 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
2057 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
2058 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
2059 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
2060 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
2061 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
2062 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
2063 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
2064 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2066 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
2068 HE asked me about black holes in space.
2069 (There's a hole *where*?)
2071 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
2072 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
2073 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
2075 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
2076 HE talked internal combustion engines.
2077 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
2079 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
2081 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
2084 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
2085 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
2087 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
2089 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2090 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2091 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2092 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2093 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2097 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2098 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2099 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2100 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2101 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2102 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2103 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2104 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2105 have to get back to you.
2107 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2109 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
2110 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
2111 till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
2113 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
2115 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
2116 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
2118 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
2119 so many different things."
2120 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
2123 "Through the Looking-Glass,
2124 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
2126 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
2127 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
2128 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
2129 can't be measured in monetary terms.
2130 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
2131 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
2132 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
2133 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
2134 understand his long delay.
2136 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
2137 I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
2138 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
2139 the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
2140 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
2141 want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
2142 shack in the desert.
2143 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
2144 I picked it up and said "Hello?"
2145 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
2147 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
2148 your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
2149 university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
2150 loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
2151 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
2152 of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
2153 and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
2156 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2157 I think very probably he might be cured."
2158 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2159 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2160 The elders murmured assent.
2161 "Now, what affects it?"
2162 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2163 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2164 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2165 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2166 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2167 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2168 irritation and distraction."
2169 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2170 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2171 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2172 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2173 "And then he will be sane?"
2174 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2175 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2176 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2178 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
2179 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
2182 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2183 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2184 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2185 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2186 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2188 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2189 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2190 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2191 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2192 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2193 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2194 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2195 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2196 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2197 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2198 happened to be in the right.
2199 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2201 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2203 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2205 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2206 back; I would be nice."
2207 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2209 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2211 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2212 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2213 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2214 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2215 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2217 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2218 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2219 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2220 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2222 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2223 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2224 these complaints represent?"
2225 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2226 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2228 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2230 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2231 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2232 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2233 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2234 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2235 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2236 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2237 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2238 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2239 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2240 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2241 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2242 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2243 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2245 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
2246 that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
2247 more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
2248 might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
2249 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
2251 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
2253 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
2254 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
2255 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
2256 to me that don't sound like much fun.
2257 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
2259 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
2260 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
2263 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
2264 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
2266 -- The Life of Brian
2268 "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
2269 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
2271 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
2272 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2273 that is also a psychological interaction.
2274 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2276 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2277 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2279 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2280 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2281 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2282 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2283 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2285 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2287 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2288 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2290 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2292 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2293 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2294 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2295 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2298 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2299 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2300 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2301 repeat the sequence.
2302 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2303 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2304 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2306 -- William S. Burroughs
2308 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
2309 around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
2310 explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
2311 "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
2312 deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
2313 better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
2314 with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
2315 you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
2316 successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
2317 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
2318 You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
2319 difficult can it be?"
2320 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
2321 which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
2322 other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
2323 yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
2324 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2326 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2327 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2328 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2329 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2330 them, or something?"
2331 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2332 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2333 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2334 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2335 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2336 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2337 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2338 would destroy the whole point of it."
2339 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2341 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2342 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2343 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2344 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2345 was by the time I find it.
2346 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2347 "The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2348 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2349 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2353 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
2354 badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
2355 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
2358 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2359 Junior, what are you up to?"
2360 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2362 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2363 will publish such rubbish!"
2364 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2365 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2366 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2367 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2368 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2370 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2371 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2372 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2373 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2374 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2375 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2376 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2378 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2379 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2381 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2382 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2383 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2384 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2385 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2386 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2387 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2388 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2389 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2391 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2392 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2393 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2394 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2395 been an efficiency expert?
2396 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2398 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2399 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2400 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2401 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2402 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2403 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2404 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2405 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2407 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2408 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2409 large numbers and prospered.
2410 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2411 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2412 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2413 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2414 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2415 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2416 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2417 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2418 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2419 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2420 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2421 -- The Story of Babel
2423 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2424 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2426 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2427 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2428 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2429 How could it be otherwise?
2430 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2432 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2433 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2434 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2435 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2436 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2437 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2438 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2439 you close your eyes?"
2440 "So that the room will be empty."
2441 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2443 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2444 changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2445 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2446 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2447 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2448 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2449 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2450 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2451 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2452 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2453 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2455 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2456 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2457 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2458 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2459 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2460 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2463 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2464 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2465 life-style otherwise."
2466 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2468 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
2469 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
2470 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
2471 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
2473 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2474 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2475 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2476 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2477 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2478 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2479 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2480 freedom and games to the network...
2483 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2484 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2485 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2486 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2487 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2488 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2489 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2490 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2492 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2493 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2494 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2496 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2497 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2498 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2499 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2500 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2501 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2502 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2503 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2504 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2505 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2506 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2507 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2508 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2509 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2510 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2511 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2513 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2514 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2515 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2516 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2517 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2518 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2519 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2520 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2521 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2523 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2524 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2525 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2526 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2527 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2528 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2529 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2531 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2532 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2533 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2534 need to find out where we are."
2535 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2536 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2537 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2539 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2540 fifty feet in the air!"
2541 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2542 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2543 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2546 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2547 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2548 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2550 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2551 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2552 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2553 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2554 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2555 really needed in the first place.
2556 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2557 analogous to the above.
2558 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2560 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2561 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2562 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2563 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2564 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2565 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2566 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2568 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
2572 "It means summon's in trouble."
2573 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
2575 "It's today!" said Piglet.
2576 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
2578 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2579 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2580 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2581 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2582 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2583 it always me, teacher?"
2584 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2587 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2589 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2590 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2591 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2592 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2593 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2594 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2595 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2596 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2597 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2598 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2602 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2603 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2604 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2605 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2606 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2607 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2608 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2609 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2610 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2611 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2612 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2613 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2614 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2615 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2616 now. They're in a band.
2619 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2620 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2621 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2622 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2623 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2624 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2625 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2626 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2627 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2628 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2629 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2630 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2632 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2633 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2634 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2635 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2636 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2637 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2638 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2639 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2640 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2641 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2642 smacked his lips with relish.
2643 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2644 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2649 My love is like an iron wand
2650 That conks me on the head,
2651 My love is like the valium
2652 That I take before my bed,
2653 My love is like the pint of scotch
2654 That I drink when I be dry;
2655 And I shall love thee still, my dear,
2656 Until my wife is wise.
2658 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
2660 "I said `intellectual'."
2663 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
2664 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
2667 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
2670 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
2672 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
2673 the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2674 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2677 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2678 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2679 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2680 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2681 All I have in the world is this gun."
2683 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2684 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2685 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2686 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2687 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2688 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2689 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2690 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2692 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
2693 Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
2694 pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
2695 military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
2696 Esther and hustle them off to prison.
2697 They can't prove who they are because they've left their
2698 passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
2699 and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
2700 movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
2701 charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
2702 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
2703 they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
2704 if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
2705 her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
2706 possible, and turns to Murray.
2707 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2708 spits in the sergeants face.
2709 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2710 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
2712 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2713 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2714 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2715 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2716 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2717 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2718 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2719 and Knights of Pithiests.
2720 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2721 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2722 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2723 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2724 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2725 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2726 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2727 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2728 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2729 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2730 So we're going back in a few years...
2733 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
2734 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
2736 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2737 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2738 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2739 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2740 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2741 the alter of human limitations.
2742 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2743 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2744 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2745 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2746 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2747 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2748 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2749 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2750 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2752 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2753 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2754 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2755 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2756 true value of the company.
2757 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
2758 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
2759 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
2760 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
2761 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
2762 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
2765 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
2766 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
2767 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
2768 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
2769 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
2770 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
2772 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
2773 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
2775 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
2776 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
2777 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
2778 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
2779 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
2780 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
2781 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
2782 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
2783 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
2784 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
2785 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
2786 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
2787 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
2788 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
2789 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
2791 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
2792 tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
2793 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
2794 plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
2795 they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
2796 Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
2797 administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
2798 you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
2799 described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
2800 interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
2801 that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
2802 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
2803 inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
2804 so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
2805 if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
2807 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2809 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
2810 to be avoided than harped upon.
2811 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
2812 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
2813 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
2814 about helping to postpone this reunion.
2815 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
2817 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
2818 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
2819 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
2820 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
2822 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
2825 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
2826 demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
2827 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
2828 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
2829 no attention to the signal.
2830 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
2831 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
2832 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
2833 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
2834 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
2836 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
2837 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
2838 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
2839 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
2840 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
2841 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
2842 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
2843 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
2844 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
2846 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
2847 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
2848 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
2849 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
2850 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
2851 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
2852 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
2853 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
2854 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
2855 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
2856 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
2857 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
2858 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
2859 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
2862 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
2863 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
2864 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
2865 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
2866 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
2867 best, write it down and make that the standard.
2868 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
2869 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
2870 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
2871 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
2872 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
2873 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
2874 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
2875 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
2876 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
2877 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
2878 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
2879 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
2881 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
2882 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
2883 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
2884 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
2885 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
2886 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
2887 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
2888 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
2889 she looked like the side of a barn.
2890 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
2891 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
2892 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
2893 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
2894 to decide quickly. I decided.
2895 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
2896 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
2897 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
2898 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
2899 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
2900 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
2901 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
2902 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
2904 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
2905 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
2906 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
2907 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
2908 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
2909 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
2910 week, until it led them to a parking space.
2911 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
2912 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
2913 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
2914 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
2915 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
2916 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
2917 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
2918 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
2919 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
2920 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
2921 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
2924 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
2925 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
2926 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
2927 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
2928 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
2929 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
2930 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
2931 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
2932 die quicker than boredom!"
2933 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
2934 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
2935 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
2936 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
2937 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
2938 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
2939 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
2940 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
2941 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
2942 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
2943 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
2946 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
2947 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
2948 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
2949 dolphins live forever!
2950 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
2951 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
2952 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
2953 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
2954 steal one of these birds.
2955 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
2956 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
2957 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
2958 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
2959 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
2960 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
2961 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
2962 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
2963 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
2965 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
2966 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
2967 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
2968 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
2969 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
2970 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
2971 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
2972 help you break such a spell."
2973 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
2974 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
2975 the night under her pillow."
2976 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
2977 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
2978 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
2979 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
2980 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
2982 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
2983 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
2984 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
2985 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
2986 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
2987 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
2988 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
2989 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
2990 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
2991 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
2992 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
2993 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
2994 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
2995 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
2996 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
2997 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
2998 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
2999 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
3000 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
3001 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
3002 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
3004 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
3005 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
3006 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
3007 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
3008 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
3009 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
3010 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
3011 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
3012 perception of the elephant.
3013 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
3014 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
3015 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
3016 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
3017 them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
3019 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
3020 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
3021 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
3022 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
3023 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
3024 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
3025 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
3026 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
3027 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
3028 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
3029 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
3030 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
3031 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
3033 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
3034 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
3035 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
3036 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
3037 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
3038 available to anyone.
3039 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
3041 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
3042 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
3044 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
3045 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
3048 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
3049 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
3050 went to speak with him.
3051 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
3053 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3054 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3055 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3057 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3058 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3059 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3060 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3061 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3062 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3064 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3066 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3067 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3068 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3069 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3071 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3072 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3073 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3074 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3075 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3076 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3077 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3078 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3079 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3080 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3081 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3082 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3083 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3084 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3085 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3086 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3087 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3088 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3089 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3092 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3093 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3094 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3095 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3096 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3097 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3099 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3100 Back came the reply...
3101 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3102 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3103 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3104 Back came the reply...
3105 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3106 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3108 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3109 is our support for UNIX?
3110 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3111 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3112 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3113 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3114 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3115 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3116 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3117 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3118 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3119 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3120 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3121 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3122 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3123 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3124 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3125 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3126 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3130 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3131 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3132 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3133 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3134 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3137 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3138 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3139 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3140 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3141 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3142 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3143 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3146 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3148 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3149 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3150 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3151 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3152 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3154 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3155 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3156 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3157 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3158 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3159 never reveal our sauce."
3160 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3161 kept favoring curry.
3162 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3163 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3165 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3166 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3168 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3169 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3170 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3171 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3172 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3173 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3174 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3175 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3176 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3177 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3178 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3179 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3181 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3182 sounding a bit worried.
3183 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3184 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3185 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3187 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3188 Cobb said, hopping out.
3189 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3191 Phases of a Project:
3195 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3196 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3197 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3199 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
3200 snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
3201 reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
3202 We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
3203 But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
3204 If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
3205 well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
3206 everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
3207 know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
3208 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
3210 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
3211 requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
3212 into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
3213 problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
3214 radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
3216 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
3217 except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
3218 it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
3219 and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
3220 all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
3222 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
3224 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3225 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3226 ran like a gentle wind.
3227 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3228 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3229 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3230 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3231 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3232 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3233 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3234 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3235 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3236 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3237 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3238 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3239 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3240 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3242 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3243 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3244 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3245 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3246 starfield surrounding the ship.
3247 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3248 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3249 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3250 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3251 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3252 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3253 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3255 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3256 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3257 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3258 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3259 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3260 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3261 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3262 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3263 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3264 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3265 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3266 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3267 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3268 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
3269 On the Campaign Trail"
3271 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3272 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3273 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3274 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3275 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3276 if they don't live our way."
3278 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3279 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3280 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3281 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3282 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3283 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3284 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3285 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3286 "When you look at it that way..."
3287 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3288 Whatever. We want. To do."
3289 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3291 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3292 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3293 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3294 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3295 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3296 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3297 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3298 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3299 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3301 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
3303 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3304 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3305 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3307 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3308 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3309 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3310 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3311 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3312 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3313 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3314 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3322 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3323 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3324 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3325 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3326 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3327 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3328 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3329 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3330 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3331 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3333 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3334 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3335 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3336 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3338 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3339 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3340 here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3341 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3342 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3343 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3345 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3346 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3347 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3348 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3349 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3350 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3351 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3352 nice gesture you made today, George.
3353 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3354 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3355 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3356 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3359 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3360 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3361 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3362 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3363 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3364 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3365 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3366 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3367 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3369 "Through the Looking-Glass,
3370 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
3372 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3373 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3374 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3375 the odd integers are prime."
3376 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3377 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3378 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3379 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3380 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3381 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3382 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3383 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3384 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3386 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3387 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3388 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3389 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3390 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3392 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
3393 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
3396 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3397 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3398 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3400 "What's he wanted for?"
3403 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3404 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3405 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3406 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3407 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3408 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3409 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3410 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3411 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3414 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
3415 a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
3416 the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
3417 lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
3418 and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
3419 when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
3420 sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
3421 right straight toward us.
3422 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
3423 were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
3424 We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
3425 a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
3426 calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
3427 a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
3428 the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
3429 had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
3430 and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
3431 until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3432 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3434 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
3435 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
3436 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
3438 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
3439 -- Dating in Minnesota
3441 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3442 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3443 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3444 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3445 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3446 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3447 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3448 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3449 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3450 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3451 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3452 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3453 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3454 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3455 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3456 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3457 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3458 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3459 This is the Minneapple.
3461 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3462 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3463 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3465 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3466 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3467 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3468 harmony in the world.
3469 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3471 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3473 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3474 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3475 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3476 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3477 farmers in America."
3478 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3480 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3481 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3482 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3483 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3484 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3485 Machineries of Joy?"
3486 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3487 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3489 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3491 Bottle 750 milliliters
3492 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3494 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3495 Methuselah 8 bottles
3496 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3497 Balthazar 16 bottles
3498 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3499 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3501 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3502 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3503 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3504 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3506 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3507 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3509 "What is your name?"
3510 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3511 "What is your quest?"
3512 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3513 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3514 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3515 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3517 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3518 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3519 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3520 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3521 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3522 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3523 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3524 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3525 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3526 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3527 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3528 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3529 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3530 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3531 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3532 broke and rolled back.
3533 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3535 "Surely you can't be serious."
3536 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
3538 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3539 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3540 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3541 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3542 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3543 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3544 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3546 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3548 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3549 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3550 -- e. e. cummings last service call
3552 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3553 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3554 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3555 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3556 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3557 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3558 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3559 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3560 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3561 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3562 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3564 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3565 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3566 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3567 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3568 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3569 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3570 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3571 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3572 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3573 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3575 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3576 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3577 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3578 got a sense of humor?"
3579 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3581 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3583 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3584 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3586 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3587 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3588 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3589 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3590 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3592 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3593 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3595 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3597 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3599 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3600 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3602 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3603 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3604 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3605 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3606 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3608 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3609 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3611 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3613 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3615 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3616 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3618 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3619 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3620 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3621 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3622 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3623 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3624 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3626 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3627 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3628 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3629 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3630 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3631 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3633 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3634 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3635 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3636 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3637 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3638 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3639 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3640 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3641 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3643 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3644 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3645 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3646 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3648 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
3650 On the good ship Enterprise
3651 Every week there's a new surprise
3652 Where the Romulans lurk
3653 And the Klingons often go berserk.
3655 Yes, the good ship Enterprise
3656 There's excitement anywhere it flies
3658 And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
3660 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
3661 Mr. Spock is at his side.
3662 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
3663 It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
3665 It's the good ship Enterprise
3666 Heading out where danger lies
3667 And you live in dread
3668 If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
3669 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
3671 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3672 the subject of towels.
3673 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3674 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3675 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3676 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3677 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3678 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3679 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3680 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3682 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3683 the subject of towels.
3684 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3685 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3686 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3687 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3688 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3689 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3690 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3691 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3693 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
3695 "The jig's up, Elman."
3699 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
3701 Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
3702 Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
3703 language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
3704 and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
3705 spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
3708 The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
3709 almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
3710 organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
3713 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
3715 This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
3716 Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
3717 the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
3719 The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
3720 while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
3721 because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
3724 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
3725 and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
3726 case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
3728 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
3729 you find the time to try it again?"
3731 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
3732 a position of negative need.
3733 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
3734 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
3736 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
3737 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
3738 prestige of His identity.
3739 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
3740 ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
3741 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
3742 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
3743 into a pleasurific mood state.
3744 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
3745 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
3746 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
3747 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
3748 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
3749 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
3750 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
3751 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
3754 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
3755 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
3756 master's office while the master waited in silence.
3757 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
3758 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
3759 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
3760 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
3762 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
3764 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
3765 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
3767 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
3768 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
3770 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
3771 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
3772 you know where it might be?"
3773 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
3774 in the data center."
3775 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3777 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
3778 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
3780 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
3781 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
3782 right! Can I have a dollar?"
3784 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
3785 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
3786 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
3787 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3789 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
3790 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
3792 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
3793 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
3795 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
3796 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
3797 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
3798 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
3800 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
3801 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
3802 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
3804 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
3805 logically experienced citizens."
3807 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
3808 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
3809 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
3811 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
3812 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
3814 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
3815 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
3817 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
3818 Alice corrected herself.
3819 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
3820 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
3821 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
3822 time completely bewildered.
3823 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
3824 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
3826 "Through the Looking-Glass,
3827 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
3829 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
3830 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
3831 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
3832 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
3833 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
3834 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
3836 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
3837 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
3838 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
3839 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
3840 out on the water, round. Usurper.
3841 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
3843 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
3845 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
3846 problems in order to get results
3847 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
3848 toy problems in order to get results.
3850 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
3851 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
3852 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
3853 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
3854 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
3855 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
3856 The answer exists only in the Tao.
3857 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3859 "The pyramid is opening!"
3861 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
3862 -- The Firesign Theatre,
3863 "How Can You Be In Two Places At
3864 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
3866 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
3867 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
3868 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
3869 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
3870 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
3871 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
3872 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
3873 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
3874 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
3875 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
3876 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
3877 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
3878 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
3879 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
3880 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
3882 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
3884 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
3886 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
3887 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
3889 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
3890 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3892 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
3893 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
3895 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
3896 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
3897 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
3898 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
3899 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
3900 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
3901 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
3903 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
3904 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
3905 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
3906 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
3908 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
3910 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
3911 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
3912 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
3914 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
3915 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
3917 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3921 The wombat lives across the seas,
3922 Among the far Antipodes.
3923 He may exist on nuts and berries,
3924 Or then again, on missionaries;
3925 His distant habitat precludes
3926 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
3927 But I would not engage the wombat
3928 In any form of mortal combat.
3930 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
3931 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
3932 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
3933 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
3934 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
3935 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
3936 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
3937 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
3938 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
3939 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
3940 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
3941 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
3942 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
3943 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
3944 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
3947 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
3948 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
3949 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
3950 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
3951 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
3952 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
3953 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
3954 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
3955 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
3956 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
3957 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
3958 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
3959 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
3961 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
3962 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
3963 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
3965 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
3966 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
3967 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
3968 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
3969 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
3973 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
3974 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
3975 hard, to keep from falling.
3976 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
3977 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
3979 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
3980 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
3981 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
3982 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
3984 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
3985 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
3990 Into love and out again,
3991 Thus I went and thus I go.
3992 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
3993 Well and bitterly I know
3994 All the songs were ever sung,
3995 All the words were ever said;
3996 Could it be, when I was young,
3997 Someone dropped me on my head?
4000 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
4001 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
4002 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
4003 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
4004 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
4006 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
4007 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
\by_
\bo_
\bu
4008 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
4009 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
4010 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
4011 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
4012 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
4013 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
4015 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
4016 sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
4017 that people cannot think.
4018 -- Richard W. Hamming
4020 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
4021 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
4022 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
4023 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
4024 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
4025 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
4026 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
4027 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
4028 but nothing was to be found.
4029 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
4030 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
4031 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
4032 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
4033 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
4034 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
4035 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
4036 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4038 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
4039 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
4040 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
4041 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
4042 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
4043 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
4044 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4046 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
4047 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
4048 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
4049 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
4050 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
4052 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
4053 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
4054 a man who answered one door.
4055 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
4057 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
4058 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
4059 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
4060 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
4062 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
4063 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
4064 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
4065 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
4066 they're carrying upstairs!"
4068 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4069 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4070 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4072 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4073 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4074 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4076 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4077 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4078 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4079 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4080 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4081 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4082 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4083 Proof: assume the opposite...
4085 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4086 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4087 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4088 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4089 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4090 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4092 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4093 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4094 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4095 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4096 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4097 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4098 is easier to design."
4099 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4100 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4101 The programmer made no reply.
4102 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4104 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4105 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4106 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4107 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4108 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4109 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4110 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4111 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4112 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4113 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4114 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4115 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4116 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4117 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4119 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4120 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4121 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4122 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4123 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4124 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4125 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4126 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
4127 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4128 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4129 things was itself the doing of them.
4130 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4131 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4132 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4133 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4134 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4135 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4136 spread only for demons or for gods."
4137 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4139 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4140 explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4141 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4142 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4143 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4144 pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
4145 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4146 making anything out of all the hard work.
4147 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4148 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4149 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4150 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4151 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
4153 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
4154 rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
4156 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
4157 it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
4158 sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
4159 consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
4160 being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
4161 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
4162 do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
4163 honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
4164 be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
4165 relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
4166 Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
4167 This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
4168 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4169 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
4170 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4172 To A Quick Young Fox:
4173 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4174 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4175 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
4176 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4179 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4180 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4181 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4182 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4183 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4184 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4185 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4186 pint of ice cream nearby.
4187 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4189 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4191 The other saw stars.
4193 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4194 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4197 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4198 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4199 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4200 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4201 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4202 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4203 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4204 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4205 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4206 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4207 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4208 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4209 was Carmen or Cohen.
4210 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4211 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4212 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4214 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
4215 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
4217 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
4219 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4220 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4221 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4222 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4223 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4224 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4225 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4226 soggy potato chips."
4227 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4228 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4229 "but I thought it made good copy."
4230 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4232 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4233 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4236 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4237 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4238 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4240 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4241 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4242 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4244 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4246 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4248 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4250 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4251 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4252 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4253 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4254 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4255 by law, up to and including nothing.
4256 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4257 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4258 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4259 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4260 attack shark at which point we relented.
4261 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4263 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4264 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4265 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4266 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4268 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4269 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4270 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4271 -- William Burroughs
4273 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4275 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4276 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4277 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4278 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4279 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4280 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4281 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4282 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4283 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4284 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4285 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4286 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4288 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4289 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4290 psycho-prompter couch?"
4292 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4293 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4294 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4296 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4297 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4298 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4299 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4300 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4301 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4303 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4304 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4305 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4307 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4311 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4312 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4313 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4314 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4315 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4316 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4317 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4318 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4319 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4320 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4321 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4322 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4323 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4324 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4325 Time passed, unheeded.
4326 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4327 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4330 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4331 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4332 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4333 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4335 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4336 let him lie there all night."
4337 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4338 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4339 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4340 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4341 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4342 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4343 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4344 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4345 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4346 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4347 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4348 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4349 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4351 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4352 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4353 maim or kill innocent little children."
4354 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4355 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4358 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4360 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4361 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4362 "It means the Thing to Do."
4363 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4365 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
4366 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
4367 coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
4370 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4371 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4372 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4373 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4375 The New Yorker's comment:
4376 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4378 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4379 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4380 "No, we just don't like him."
4381 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4382 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4383 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4384 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4386 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4387 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4388 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4389 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4392 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4393 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4394 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4395 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4396 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4397 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4398 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4399 they're not selling."
4400 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4401 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4403 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4404 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
4405 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4406 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4407 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4408 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4410 "What are we going to do?"
4411 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
4412 for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
4413 short initiation period."
4414 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
4416 "What are you watching?"
4418 "Well, what's happening?"
4419 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4421 "Why are you watching it?"
4422 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4426 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4428 "You keep it to yourself."
4431 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4433 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4435 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4436 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4437 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4438 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4439 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4440 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4441 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4442 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4443 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4444 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4445 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4446 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4447 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4448 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4450 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4451 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4452 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4453 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4455 "What's that thing?"
4456 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4457 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4458 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4459 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
4461 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
4462 assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
4463 whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
4464 drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
4465 another cheer and another round of drinks.
4466 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
4467 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
4468 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
4470 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4471 his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4472 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4474 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4475 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4476 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4477 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4478 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4479 moved farther to the left."
4480 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4482 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4483 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4484 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4486 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4487 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4488 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4489 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4491 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4492 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4494 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4495 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4496 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4497 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4498 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4500 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4501 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4502 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4503 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4504 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4505 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4506 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4507 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4508 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4509 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4511 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4513 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4514 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4515 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4516 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4518 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4520 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4521 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4522 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4523 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4524 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4525 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4526 then. We're trying to catch her."
4527 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4528 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4529 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4531 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4532 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4533 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4536 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4537 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4538 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4540 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4541 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4542 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4543 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4544 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4545 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4546 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4547 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4548 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4549 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4550 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4551 why the sea is salt."
4552 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4553 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4555 Why are you doing this to me?
4556 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4558 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4560 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4561 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4562 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4563 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4571 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4572 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4574 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4575 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4576 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4577 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4578 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4580 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4581 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4582 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4583 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4584 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4585 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4586 long, and two mouses wide."
4587 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4589 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4593 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4594 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4595 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4596 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4597 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4598 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4599 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4600 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4602 "You are *so* lovely."
4604 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
4606 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
4607 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
4608 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
4610 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4611 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4612 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4613 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4614 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4616 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4617 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4618 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4620 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4621 "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
4622 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4624 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4625 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4626 fit to hear his view of things?"
4627 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4628 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4629 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4630 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4631 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4632 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4633 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4635 "You say there are two types of people?"
4636 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4638 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4639 Those who separate people into three groups.
4640 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4641 Those who can't decide."
4642 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4644 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4645 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4647 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4648 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4651 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4652 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4653 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4654 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4655 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4656 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4657 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4658 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4659 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4660 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4661 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4662 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4663 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4664 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
4666 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
4667 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
4668 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
4669 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
4670 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
4671 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
4672 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
4673 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
4674 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
4675 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
4676 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
4677 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
4678 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
4679 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
4680 cats on the dinette table, etc.
4681 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4683 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
4684 "We wound barbed wire around them."
4686 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
4688 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a
4689 matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the
4690 will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a
4691 freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental
4692 predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure
4693 over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in
4694 a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years;
4695 people grow old by deserting their ideals.
4697 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles
4698 the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the
4699 long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
4702 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a
4703 love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
4704 thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
4705 appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
4707 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young
4708 as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as
4709 old as your despair.
4711 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station.
4712 So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur,
4713 courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so
4714 long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places
4715 of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of
4716 cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!
4717 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in
4718 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood
4732 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
4733 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
4734 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
4735 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
4741 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
4743 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
4744 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
4746 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
4748 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
4749 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
4750 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
4751 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
4752 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
4754 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
4766 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
4767 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
4768 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
4769 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
4770 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
4771 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
4772 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
4773 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
4774 INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
4781 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
4785 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
4787 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
4788 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
4789 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
4790 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
4791 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
4792 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
4793 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
4795 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
4797 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
4798 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
4799 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
4800 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
4801 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
4803 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
4805 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
4806 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
4807 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
4808 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
4809 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
4811 -- C code which counts the bits in a word
4813 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4815 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
4816 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
4817 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
4818 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
4819 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
4822 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4824 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
4826 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
4827 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
4828 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
4829 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
4830 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
4833 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4835 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
4836 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
4837 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
4838 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
4840 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
4841 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
4842 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
4845 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
4846 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
4847 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
4849 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
4850 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
4852 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4854 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
4856 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
4857 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
4858 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
4859 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
4861 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
4863 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
4864 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
4865 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
4866 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
4867 it cold boots the machine so often.
4869 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4871 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
4872 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
4873 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
4874 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
4875 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
4877 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
4882 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
4883 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
4884 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
4885 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
4886 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
4888 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4890 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
4892 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
4893 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
4894 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
4895 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
4896 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
4897 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
4898 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
4899 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
4900 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
4901 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
4903 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4905 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
4906 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
4907 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
4908 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
4909 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
4910 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
4911 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
4912 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
4913 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
4914 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
4915 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
4917 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4919 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
4920 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
4924 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4926 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
4928 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
4931 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4933 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
4935 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
4937 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
4939 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
4940 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
4941 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
4942 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
4943 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
4945 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
4947 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
4948 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
4949 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
4950 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
4951 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
4952 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
4953 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
4954 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
4957 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
4959 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
4960 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
4961 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
4962 second per second takes over.
4963 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
4964 intervenes suddenly.
4965 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
4966 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
4967 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
4968 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
4970 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
4971 conforming to its perimeter.
4972 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
4973 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
4974 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
4975 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
4976 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
4977 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
4979 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
4980 2. The Nutcracker Swede
4981 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
4983 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4984 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
4987 9. Santa's Magic Lap
4988 10. Hot Buttered Elves
4989 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
4992 ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
4993 have turned into a pile of dust.
4995 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
4996 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
4999 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
5000 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
5001 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
5002 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
5003 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
5004 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
5005 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
5007 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5008 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
5009 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
5010 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5011 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5012 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5013 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5015 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
5017 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
5018 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
5019 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
5020 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
5021 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
5022 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
5024 ... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
5025 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
5026 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
5029 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
5030 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
5031 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
5032 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
5033 never when standing.
5035 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
5036 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
5037 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
5038 hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
5039 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
5040 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
5041 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
5042 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
5043 astray by hunting and pecking.
5044 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
5045 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
5047 ... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
5049 ... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
5051 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5053 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
5054 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
5055 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
5056 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5057 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5058 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5059 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5060 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5061 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5062 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5063 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5064 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5066 ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
5067 easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
5068 and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
5069 upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
5070 without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
5071 on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
5072 was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
5073 sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
5074 human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
5075 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
5077 ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
5078 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
5079 can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
5080 seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
5081 world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
5082 ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
5083 you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
5084 would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
5085 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
5087 ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
5090 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5091 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5092 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5093 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5094 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5095 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5096 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5097 other's private parts.
5098 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5100 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5101 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5103 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5105 ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_
\bd_
\bi_
\bd* quote anybody in this
5106 business, it probably would be gibberish.
5109 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5110 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5111 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5112 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5113 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5114 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5116 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5118 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5119 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5120 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5121 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5122 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5123 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5124 knows them in the naming.
5125 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5131 "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
5132 supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
5133 actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
5134 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
5137 ... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
5138 the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
5139 asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
5140 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
5142 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5144 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5145 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5146 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5147 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5148 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5149 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5150 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5151 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5152 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5153 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5154 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5155 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5156 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5158 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5159 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5160 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5161 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5163 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5165 ... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
5166 smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
5167 not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
5170 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5171 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5172 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5174 : is not an identifier
5176 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5177 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5178 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5179 superficial design flaws.
5180 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
5181 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
5183 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5184 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5185 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5186 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5189 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5190 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5193 ... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5194 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
5197 ... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
5198 legally ... impeccable!
5200 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5201 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5202 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5203 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5204 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
5205 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5206 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5207 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5208 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5209 of a lucrative nature.
5210 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5211 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5213 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5217 Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5218 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5219 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5221 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5222 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5225 ... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
5226 get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
5227 the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
5228 on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
5229 children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
5230 snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
5231 to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
5232 a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
5233 outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
5234 he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
5235 Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
5236 Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
5237 kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
5238 children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
5240 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5242 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
5243 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
5244 shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
5245 advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
5246 shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
5247 them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
5248 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
5250 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5251 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5255 ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
5256 Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
5257 thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
5258 somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
5259 on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
5260 a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
5261 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
5263 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5264 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5265 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5266 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5267 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5269 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5270 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5271 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5272 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5273 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5275 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5276 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5277 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5278 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5279 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5280 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5282 ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
5283 who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
5284 and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
5285 and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
5286 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
5288 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5289 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5290 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5291 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5292 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5293 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5294 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5295 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5296 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5297 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5298 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5299 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5300 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5301 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5302 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5304 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5306 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5307 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5308 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5309 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5310 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5311 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5312 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5313 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5314 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5315 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5316 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5317 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5318 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5319 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5320 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5321 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5323 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5328 Norman, knock loudly,
5333 ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
5336 ... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
5337 other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
5338 charity we can only call "inhuman."
5341 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5342 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5343 optimal cachinnation.
5345 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5346 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5347 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5348 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5349 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5351 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5352 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5353 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5354 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5356 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5358 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5359 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5360 -- The Firesign Theatre
5362 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5363 from beginning to end.
5364 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5367 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5369 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5371 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5372 entrances; others cannot.
5373 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5374 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5375 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5376 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5377 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5379 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5380 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5381 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5382 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5383 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5384 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5385 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5386 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5387 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5388 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5389 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5390 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5391 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5395 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5396 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5397 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5398 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5399 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5400 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5401 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5402 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5403 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5404 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5406 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5407 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5409 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5410 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5411 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
5413 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5414 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5415 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5416 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5417 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5418 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5419 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5420 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5421 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5422 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5423 barely able to walk.
5424 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5425 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5426 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5427 "The good news first!"
5428 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5429 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5430 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5431 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5434 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5436 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5437 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5438 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5440 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5441 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5443 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5444 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5445 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5446 Wash the windows once a week.
5447 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5448 coal for the day's business.
5449 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5451 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5452 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5453 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5454 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5455 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5458 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5460 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5461 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5462 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5463 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5464 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5465 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5466 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5467 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5468 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5469 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5470 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5472 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5473 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5474 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5475 (4) Four is an even number.
5476 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5477 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5478 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5480 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
5481 (2) Great generals are forewarned.
5482 (3) Forewarned is forearmed.
5483 (4) Four is an even number.
5484 (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5485 (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5486 Therefore, all horses are black.
5488 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5489 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5490 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5491 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5492 the social ramble ain't restful.
5493 5. Avoid running at all times.
5494 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5495 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5497 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5498 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5500 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5501 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5502 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5503 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5504 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5505 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5506 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5507 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5508 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5509 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5510 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5511 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5512 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5513 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5514 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5515 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5516 to 1 meter per second
5517 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5518 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5519 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5520 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5521 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5522 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5523 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5524 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5525 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5529 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5530 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5531 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5532 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5534 1: No code table for op: ++post
5537 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5538 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5539 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5540 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5541 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5542 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5543 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5545 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5546 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5547 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5548 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5549 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5550 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5551 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5552 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5553 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5554 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5556 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
5558 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5560 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5561 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5562 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5563 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5564 other beers on the side.
5565 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
5567 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5568 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5569 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5570 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5572 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5573 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5574 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5576 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5578 Take one down, short it to ground
5579 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5581 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5583 Take one down, short it to ground
5584 FE buckets of bits on the bus
5588 $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
5589 which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
5590 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
5592 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5594 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
5595 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
5599 (5) Self-piercing earrings
5602 (8) Prosthetic dog claws
5606 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
5612 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5615 1/2 oz. orange juice
5618 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5619 Long Island Iced Tea
5623 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5625 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5626 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5627 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5628 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5629 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5630 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5632 Nine in the second place means:
5633 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5635 Six in the third place means:
5636 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5637 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5639 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
5642 17th Rule of Friendship:
5644 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5645 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5647 -- Esquire, May 1977
5649 186,000 miles per second:
5650 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5652 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5653 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5655 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5656 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5657 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5658 1907 Good to the last drop
5659 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5660 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5661 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5662 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5663 1919 It satisfies thirst
5664 1919 The taste is the test
5665 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5666 1922 Thirst knows no season
5667 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5668 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5670 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5671 1929 The high sign of refreshment
5672 1929 The pause that refreshes
5673 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
5674 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
5675 1935 The pause that brings friends together
5676 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
5677 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
5678 1939 Thirst stops here
5679 1942 It's the real thing
5681 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
5682 1963 Things go better with Coke
5683 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
5684 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
5686 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5688 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
5690 2nd graffitiest: Why?
5692 2180, U.S. History question:
5693 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
5694 office did he later hold?
5696 3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
5697 process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
5698 traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
5700 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
5705 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
5707 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
5708 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
5709 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
5710 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
5711 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
5713 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
5715 3rd Law of Computing:
5716 Anything that can go wr
5717 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5719 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
5721 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
5723 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
5724 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
5725 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
5726 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
5727 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
5728 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
5729 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
5730 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
5731 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
5733 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
5734 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
5735 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
5736 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
5737 and other good books.
5738 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
5739 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
5740 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
5741 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
5742 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
5743 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
5744 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
5745 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
5746 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
5747 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
5749 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5757 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5758 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
5761 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5762 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
5763 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
5765 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
5766 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
5768 94% of the women in America are beautiful
5769 and the rest hang out around here.
5771 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
5773 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5774 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
5776 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
5778 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5779 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
5781 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
5782 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
5784 A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
5787 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
5789 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
5790 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
5793 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
5795 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
5799 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
5800 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
5802 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
5803 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
5806 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
5807 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
5810 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
5813 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
5814 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
5816 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
5818 A beginning is the time for taking the
5819 most delicate care that balances are correct.
5820 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
5822 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
5823 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
5825 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
5826 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
5827 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
5828 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
5830 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
5831 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
5832 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
5834 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
5835 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
5836 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
5837 there's one white zebra."
5838 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
5840 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
5842 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
5844 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
5847 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
5849 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
5855 A black cat crossing your path signifies
5856 that the animal is going somewhere.
5859 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
5860 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
5861 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
5862 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
5863 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
5864 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
5865 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
5866 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
5867 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
5868 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
5869 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
5870 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
5871 resource centers along the roads.
5872 -- The Underground Grammarian
5874 A bore is a man who talks so much about
5875 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
5877 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
5878 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
5880 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
5882 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
5883 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
5886 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
5887 of turning around three times before lying down.
5890 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
5893 A budget is just a method of worrying
5894 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
5896 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
5898 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
5900 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
5901 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
5902 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
5903 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
5904 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
5905 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
5906 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
5907 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
5908 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
5909 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
5910 pole in a complex plane."
5912 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
5913 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
5914 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
5915 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
5916 -- Robert W. Service
5918 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
5919 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
5921 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
5924 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
5925 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
5927 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
5928 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
5929 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
5930 examine him about his recent diet.
5931 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
5933 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
5934 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
5935 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
5936 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
5937 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
5938 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
5939 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
5941 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
5943 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
5944 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
5945 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
5946 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
5947 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
5948 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
5949 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
5951 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
5952 does not prove anything.
5953 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
5955 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
5957 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
5958 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
5960 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
5961 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
5962 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
5963 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
5964 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
5965 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
5966 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
5967 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
5970 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
5971 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
5972 who passed it on to theirs.
5974 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
5975 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
5976 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
5977 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
5978 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
5979 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
5980 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
5981 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
5982 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
5983 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
5984 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
5985 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
5986 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
5987 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
5989 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
5990 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
5991 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
5993 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
5994 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
5996 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
5998 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
6001 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
6003 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
6004 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
6005 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
6008 A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
6010 A chronic disposition to inquiry
6011 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
6013 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
6014 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
6016 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
6017 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
6020 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
6023 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
6025 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
6026 and nobody wants to read.
6027 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
6028 "The Disappearance of Literature"
6030 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
6032 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
6033 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
6034 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
6035 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
6036 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
6038 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6040 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
6041 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
6042 valuable scientific objectivity.
6044 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
6045 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
6046 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
6048 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
6049 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
6051 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6053 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
6054 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
6055 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
6056 disability you may have experienced.
6058 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
6059 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
6060 explained in terms that you would understand.
6062 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
6063 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
6064 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
6066 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
6068 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
6069 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
6070 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
6072 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
6073 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
6075 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
6076 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
6077 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
6078 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
6080 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
6081 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
6083 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
6084 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
6085 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
6086 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
6088 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
6091 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
6092 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
6094 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
6095 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
6098 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
6101 A company is known by the men it keeps.
6103 A complex system that works is invariably
6104 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
6106 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
6109 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
6112 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
6113 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
6116 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
6117 the president one of the latest talking computers.
6118 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
6119 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
6121 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
6122 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
6123 Computer: George Washington.
6124 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
6125 Where is my father?"
6126 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6127 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6129 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6130 landed a twelve pound bass.
6132 A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
6133 the computer science student has run in to.
6135 CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
6136 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
6137 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
6138 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
6139 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
6140 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
6141 get the pointer value from there?
6142 Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
6143 make it point to the previous item.
6144 CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
6145 and structure elements must have unique names within that
6147 Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
6149 And then the CS Student was enlightened.
6151 A computer science student on an exam:
6153 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
6154 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
6155 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
6158 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6160 A computer, to print out a fact,
6161 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
6162 But this output can be
6163 No more than debris,
6164 If the input was short of exact.
6167 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6168 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6170 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6172 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6173 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6176 A CONS is an object which cares.
6179 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6182 A conservative is a man
6183 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6186 A conservative is a man
6187 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6188 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6190 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
6191 is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
6193 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
6196 A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
6197 damned things is ample.
6200 A couch is as good as a chair.
6202 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6203 -- Benjamin Franklin
6205 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6206 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6207 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6208 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6209 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6210 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6211 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6212 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6213 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6215 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6216 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6217 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6218 there, he don't have one!"
6220 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6221 money is always there but the pockets change;
6222 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6223 and that is all there is to say about money.
6226 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6227 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6228 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6229 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6230 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6231 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6232 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6233 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6234 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6235 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6236 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6237 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6238 this central section.
6239 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6240 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6241 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6242 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6244 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6247 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6248 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6249 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6251 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6254 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6256 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6258 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6260 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6262 A day without sunshine is like night.
6264 A dead man cannot bite.
6265 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6267 A debugged program is one for which you have
6268 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6271 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6272 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6273 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6274 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6275 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6276 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6277 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6279 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6280 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6282 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6283 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6285 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6286 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6289 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6290 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6291 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6293 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6296 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6297 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6299 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6300 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6302 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6303 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6305 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6306 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6307 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6309 A diva who specializes in risqu'
\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6311 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6312 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6313 that you only have six weeks to live."
6314 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6316 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6319 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6320 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6321 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6322 courtesy," he explained.
6324 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6327 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6331 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6334 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6335 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6336 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6337 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6339 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6341 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6344 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6345 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6347 -- Robert A. Heinlein
6349 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6350 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6351 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6352 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6353 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6354 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6355 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6357 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6358 -- Winston Churchill
6360 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6362 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6363 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6364 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6365 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6366 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6367 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6368 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6369 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6370 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6371 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6372 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6373 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6374 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6376 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6377 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6380 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6381 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6382 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6383 should be masculine or feminine.
6384 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
6385 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
6386 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6387 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6388 went on their way rather quickly.
6389 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6390 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6391 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6393 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6395 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6396 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6397 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6400 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6401 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6403 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6405 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6406 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6407 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6408 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6409 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6410 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6413 (Or scatters scats);
6414 A potting shed's for potting;
6417 Or caught an otter otting.
6420 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6422 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6423 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6425 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6427 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6429 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6431 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6432 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6434 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6435 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6437 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6438 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6439 -- George Bernard Shaw
6441 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6444 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6446 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6449 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
6450 dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
6451 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
6453 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
6454 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6456 A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6459 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6461 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6462 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6464 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6465 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6468 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6469 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6471 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6472 -- Benjamin Franklin
6474 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6476 A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
6479 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6481 A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
6482 he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
6483 favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
6484 facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
6487 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6488 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6490 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6491 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6492 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6493 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6494 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6497 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6498 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6499 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6500 electrical shock to the horse.
6501 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6502 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6503 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6504 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6505 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6506 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6508 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6510 A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
6512 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
6514 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6516 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6518 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6521 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6523 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6524 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6525 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt _
\bh_
\ba_
\bd _
\bt_
\bo _
\bm_
\be_
\ba_
\bn _
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bt_
\bh_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg*.
6526 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6528 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6529 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6531 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6534 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6535 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6537 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6538 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6539 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6540 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6544 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6545 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6546 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6547 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6548 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6549 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6552 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6553 -- Michel de Montaigne
6555 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6557 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6558 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6561 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6564 A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
6568 A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
6569 into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
6570 hope of greening the landscape of idea.
6573 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6576 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6578 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6580 A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
6581 gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
6582 then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
6583 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
6585 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6586 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6587 "That's dynamite, baby."
6588 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
6590 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6591 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6595 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6596 the table after you eat.
6598 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6601 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6602 to take it all away.
6605 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6607 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6608 -- Benjamin Franklin
6610 A great many people think they are thinking
6611 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6614 A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
6617 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6618 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6619 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6620 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6621 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6622 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6623 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6624 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
6625 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6626 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6627 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6628 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6629 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6630 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6632 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6633 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6634 not going to church on Sunday.
6637 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6640 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6641 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6643 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6646 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6647 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6648 Brings good fortune.
6650 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
6652 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
6654 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
6656 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
6657 weight in other people's patience.
6660 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
6662 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
6663 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
6664 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
6669 A Hen Brooding Kittens
6670 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
6671 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
6672 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
6673 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
6674 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
6675 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
6676 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
6677 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
6679 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
6681 A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
6682 of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
6685 A holding company is a thing where you hand
6686 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
6688 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
6689 "Hello?" his friend answers.
6690 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
6691 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
6692 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
6693 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
6694 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
6695 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
6696 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
6698 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
6700 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
6701 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
6703 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
6705 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
6706 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
6707 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
6709 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
6712 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
6715 A hypothetical paradox:
6716 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
6717 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
6718 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
6721 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
6722 C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
6723 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
6724 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
6725 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
6726 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
6727 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
6728 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
6729 Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
6730 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
6731 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
6732 W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
6733 Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
6734 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
6739 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
6740 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
6741 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
6742 D is for dd, the command that does all.
6743 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
6744 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
6745 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
6746 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
6747 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
6748 J is for join, which nobody uses.
6749 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
6750 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
6751 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
6752 N is for nice, which it really is not.
6753 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
6754 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
6755 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
6756 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
6757 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
6758 T is for true, which does very little.
6759 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
6760 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
6761 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
6762 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
6763 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
6764 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
6765 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
6767 A joint is just tea for two.
6769 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
6771 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
6774 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
6777 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
6779 Simply handed in through the window.
6780 There is certainly no blame in this.
6782 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
6785 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
6786 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
6788 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
6790 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
6791 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
6793 A king's castle is his home.
6795 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
6796 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
6797 words are superfluous.
6799 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
6801 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
6804 A lady with one of her ears applied
6805 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
6806 Two female gossips in converse free --
6807 The subject engaging them was she.
6808 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
6809 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
6810 As soon as no more of it she could hear
6811 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
6812 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
6813 "To hear my character lied about!"
6816 A language that doesn't affect the way you
6817 think about programming is not worth knowing.
6820 A language that doesn't have everything is
6821 actually easier to program in than some that do.
6822 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
6824 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
6825 That is, they work by being declared to work.
6828 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
6829 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
6830 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
6831 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
6832 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
6833 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
6834 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
6835 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
6836 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
6837 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
6838 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
6839 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
6841 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
6842 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
6844 A Law of Computer Programming:
6845 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
6846 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
6848 A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
6851 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
6854 A lie in time saves nine.
6856 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
6858 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
6860 A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
6862 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
6864 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
6866 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
6867 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
6869 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
6872 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
6873 Into space that is quite economical.
6874 But the good ones I've seen
6875 So seldom are clean,
6876 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
6878 A LISP programmer knows the value of
6879 everything, but the cost of nothing.
6882 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
6885 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
6887 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
6890 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
6891 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
6893 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
6894 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
6895 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
6896 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
6897 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
6899 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
6900 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
6901 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
6902 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
6903 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
6904 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
6905 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
6907 A little word of doubtful number,
6908 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
6909 If you add an "s" to this,
6910 Great is the metamorphosis.
6911 Plural is plural now no more,
6912 And sweet what bitter was before.
6915 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
6917 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
6919 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
6920 Buy the negatives at any price.
6922 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
6924 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
6927 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
6928 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
6931 A major, with wonderful force,
6932 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
6933 All the flowers looked round,
6934 But no horse could be found;
6935 So he just rhododendron, of course.
6937 A man always remembers his first love with special
6938 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
6941 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
6945 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
6948 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
6949 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
6950 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
6952 A deep majestic voice answered,
6953 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
6954 "Help me!!" cried the man.
6955 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
6956 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
6957 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
6958 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
6960 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
6964 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
6965 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
6967 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
6970 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
6971 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
6972 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
6974 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
6975 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
6976 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
6977 "They're only four dollars apiece."
6979 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
6980 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
6981 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
6982 and he heads off into the distance.
6983 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
6984 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
6985 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
6986 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
6987 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
6988 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
6990 A man is known by the company he organizes.
6993 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
6994 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
6997 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
6998 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
6999 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
7001 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
7004 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
7005 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
7007 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
7008 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
7011 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
7012 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
7013 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
7015 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
7017 A man said to the Universe:
7019 "However," replied the Universe,
7020 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
7023 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
7024 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
7025 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
7026 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
7027 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
7029 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
7030 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
7031 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
7032 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
7033 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
7034 just want to get my saddle back!"
7036 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
7037 he is able to answer.
7040 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
7042 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
7043 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
7044 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
7045 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
7046 wakes up and gives me hell."
7047 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
7049 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
7050 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
7051 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
7052 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
7053 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
7056 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
7057 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
7058 why did you Di......eeee"
7059 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
7060 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
7061 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
7062 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
7063 why....eeeee did you.."
7064 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
7065 Tell, me who is buried here?"
7066 "My wife's first husband."
7068 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
7069 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
7071 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
7074 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
7075 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
7077 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
7079 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
7081 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7082 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7084 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7086 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7087 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7088 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7089 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7090 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7092 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7094 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7096 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7097 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7099 A man's house is his castle.
7102 A man's house is his hassle.
7104 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7105 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7106 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7107 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7108 "What about you: do you see it?"
7109 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7110 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7111 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7112 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7113 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7115 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7116 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7117 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7118 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7120 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7121 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7122 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7124 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7126 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7129 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
7131 A meeting is an event at which the
7132 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7134 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7135 but to protect the writer.
7138 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7139 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7140 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
7142 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7143 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7144 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7145 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7146 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7147 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7148 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7149 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7150 paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7151 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7152 fall over gently onto their backs.
7153 -- Audubon Society Magazine
7155 [From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
7156 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
7157 monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
7158 helicopters passed overhead.
7159 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
7160 said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
7161 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
7162 calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
7163 with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
7165 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
7166 (1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
7169 A mighty creature is the germ,
7170 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7171 His customary dwelling place
7172 Is deep within the human race.
7173 His childish pride he often pleases
7174 By giving people strange diseases.
7175 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7176 You probably contain a germ.
7179 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7181 A modem is a baudy house.
7183 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7184 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7187 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7188 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7189 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7190 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7191 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7192 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7193 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7194 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7195 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7196 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7197 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7198 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7201 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7202 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7205 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7207 A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
7209 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7211 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7213 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7214 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7217 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7218 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7220 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7223 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7225 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7226 will be to us a national blessing.
7227 -- Alexander Hamilton
7229 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7230 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7231 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7232 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7234 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7235 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7236 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7237 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7238 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7239 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7240 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7243 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7244 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7245 It is an ice cream koan.
7247 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7248 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7249 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7251 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7252 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7253 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7254 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7255 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7256 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7257 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7258 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7260 A New Way of Taking Pills
7261 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7262 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7263 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7264 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7265 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7267 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
7268 rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
7270 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7271 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7273 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7276 A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
7277 "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
7280 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7282 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7284 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7285 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7288 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7290 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7291 enlightenment, several years later.
7296 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7297 With thought and sarcasm.
7299 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7301 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7302 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7304 A Parable of Modern Research:
7306 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7307 brightly lit corner.
7308 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7309 "I can only see here."
7311 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7312 -- William S. Burroughs
7314 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7317 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7319 A penny saved has not been spent.
7321 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7323 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7325 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7327 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7328 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7329 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7330 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7331 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7334 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7336 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7338 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7339 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7341 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7342 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7345 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7348 A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
7351 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7352 gets out and goes into the office.
7353 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7354 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7355 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7357 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7358 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7360 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7361 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7363 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7364 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7365 "we're building a house".
7367 A pig is a jolly companion,
7368 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7369 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7370 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7371 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7372 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7373 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7374 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7375 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7376 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7378 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7379 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7381 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7382 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7384 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7385 referring to memory management system services.]
7387 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7390 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7391 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7394 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7396 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7398 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7399 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7400 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7401 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7402 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7403 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7405 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7406 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7407 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7408 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7409 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7411 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7413 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7414 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7417 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7420 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7422 A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
7423 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
7425 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7426 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7427 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7430 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7433 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7434 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7435 of yours to press against my heart.
7436 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
7438 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7439 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7441 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7445 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7447 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7449 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
7450 upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
7451 to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7453 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7455 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7457 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
7459 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
7461 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7464 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7465 asks you not to kill him.
7466 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7468 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7469 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7471 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7473 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7474 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7475 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7476 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7477 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7478 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7479 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7480 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7481 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7483 A programming language is low level
7484 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7486 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7487 drink with -- even if he drank.
7490 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7491 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7492 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7493 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7494 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7495 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7496 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7497 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7498 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7499 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7501 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7502 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7505 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7506 your wife asks you for nothing.
7509 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7510 your wife will give you for free.
7512 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
7513 too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
7514 was intended for her preservation.
7517 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7518 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7519 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7520 to make a travesty of the game.
7523 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7524 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7527 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7528 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7531 A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
7533 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7534 his neighbor notice it.
7537 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
7538 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
7540 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
7541 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
7543 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
7544 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
7546 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
7547 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
7548 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
7549 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
7551 A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
7552 help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
7553 out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
7556 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
7557 people what to do with their money.
7558 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
7560 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
7563 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
7564 not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
7567 A robin redbreast in a cage
7568 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
7571 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
7572 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
7573 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
7575 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
7577 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
7579 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
7582 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
7583 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
7584 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
7585 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
7588 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
7589 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
7590 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
7591 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
7592 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
7593 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
7594 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
7595 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
7596 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
7597 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
7598 was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
7599 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
7600 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
7601 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
7602 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
7604 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
7605 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
7606 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
7607 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
7608 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
7609 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
7610 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
7611 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
7612 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
7614 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
7615 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
7616 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
7618 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
7620 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
7621 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
7622 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
7624 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
7625 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
7626 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
7629 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
7631 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
7632 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
7633 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
7634 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
7635 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
7636 the vocation must fit the individual.
7637 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
7639 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
7641 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
7642 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
7643 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
7646 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
7647 the vexation of thinking.
7648 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
7650 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
7651 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
7652 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
7653 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
7655 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
7656 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
7658 -- J. W. N. Sullivan
7660 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
7661 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
7665 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
7668 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
7669 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
7670 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
7671 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
7672 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
7673 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
7674 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
7675 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
7676 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
7677 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
7678 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
7679 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
7680 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
7682 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
7683 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
7684 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
7685 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
7686 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
7687 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
7688 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
7689 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
7690 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
7691 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
7692 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
7693 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
7694 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
7696 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
7699 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
7702 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
7703 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
7704 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
7707 I knew the language of the floweret;
7708 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
7709 Love long has taken for his amulet
7712 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
7713 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
7714 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
7716 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
7718 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
7721 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
7723 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
7725 A snake lurks in the grass.
7726 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
7728 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
7729 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
7730 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
7732 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
7733 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
7734 which is on its way out.
7737 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
7740 A soft drink turneth away company.
7742 A song in time is worth a dime.
7744 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
7745 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
7746 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
7747 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
7748 "How are you?" they ask.
7749 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
7750 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
7751 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
7752 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
7753 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
7755 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
7756 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
7757 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
7758 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
7760 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
7761 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
7762 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
7763 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
7765 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
7767 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
7769 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
7772 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
7773 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
7774 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
7775 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
7777 A stitch in time saves nine.
7779 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
7782 A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
7786 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
7787 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
7788 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
7789 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
7790 the student with a stick.
7792 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
7794 A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
7795 undreamed of by its author.
7798 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
7802 A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
7803 Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
7804 other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
7805 new versions of their own innards!
7808 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7809 -- by Charles Dickens
7811 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
7813 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
7816 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
7818 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
7819 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
7821 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
7824 -- by William Shakespeare
7826 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
7827 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
7829 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7830 -- by Charles Dickens
7832 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
7833 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
7836 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
7837 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
7839 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
7840 feels guilty and apologizes.
7842 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
7845 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
7847 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
7849 A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
7851 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
7852 -- Michael Winner, British film director
7854 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
7855 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
7857 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
7858 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
7861 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
7862 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
7864 A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
7867 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
7868 and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
7869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
7871 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
7872 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
7874 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
7875 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
7876 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
7877 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
7878 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
7879 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
7880 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
7881 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
7882 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
7883 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
7884 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
7885 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
7887 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
7889 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
7890 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
7892 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
7895 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
7896 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
7899 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
7900 -- Benjamin Franklin
7902 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7904 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7906 A truth that's told with bad intent
7907 Beats all the lies you can invent.
7910 A university is what a college becomes
7911 when the faculty loses interest in students.
7914 A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
7915 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
7917 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
7918 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
7919 She found a good way
7920 To combine work and play:
7921 She sells C shells by the seashore.
7923 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
7924 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
7925 -- Tennessee Williams
7927 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
7930 A violent man will die a violent death.
7933 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
7935 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
7937 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
7939 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
7942 A watched clock never boils.
7944 A well adjusted person is one who makes
7945 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
7947 A well-known friend is a treasure.
7949 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
7950 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
7951 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
7952 Software rots if not used.
7954 These are great mysteries.
7955 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
7957 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
7958 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
7960 A wise man can see more from the bottom
7961 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
7963 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
7966 A witty saying proves nothing.
7969 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
7972 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
7973 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
7974 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
7975 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
7976 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
7977 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
7978 near your person at all times.
7979 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
7981 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
7982 were quite a struggle.
7985 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
7986 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
7987 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
7989 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
7990 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
7993 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
7997 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
7998 it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
7999 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
8001 A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
8005 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
8006 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
8007 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
8008 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
8010 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
8013 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8014 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8015 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8016 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8017 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8018 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8019 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8020 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8022 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8023 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8024 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8026 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8027 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8029 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8031 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8034 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8035 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8037 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8038 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8040 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8042 A word to the wise is enough.
8043 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8045 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8046 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8047 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8048 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8049 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8050 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8051 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8053 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8054 what he writes fiction.
8057 A yawn is a silent shout.
8060 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8062 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8063 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8064 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8066 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8067 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8068 have that!" she gushed.
8069 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8070 window and grabbing the ring.
8071 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8072 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8073 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8075 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8076 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8077 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8079 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8080 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8081 woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8082 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8083 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8084 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8085 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8086 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8087 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8088 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8089 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8090 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8091 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8092 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8093 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8094 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8095 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8096 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8097 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8098 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8101 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8103 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8104 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8105 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8106 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8107 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8108 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8110 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8111 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8113 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8115 Abbott's Admonitions:
8116 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8117 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8119 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8121 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8122 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8124 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8125 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8126 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8127 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8128 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8129 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8130 And to the presence in the room he said,
8131 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8132 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8133 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8134 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8135 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8136 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8137 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8138 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8139 It came again with a great wakening light,
8140 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8141 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8142 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8144 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8146 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8148 About the only thing we have left that actually
8149 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8151 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8154 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8155 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8156 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8158 Above all else - sky.
8160 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8162 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8165 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8166 and miss the return train.
8168 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8169 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8170 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
8172 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8173 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8176 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8177 it enkindles the great.
8179 Absence makes the heart forget.
8181 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8183 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8186 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8188 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8191 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
8195 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8196 to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
8197 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8199 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8203 A weak person who yields to the
8204 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8205 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8208 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8209 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8210 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8211 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8212 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8213 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8214 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8215 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8216 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8217 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8218 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8219 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8222 A statement or belief manifestly
8223 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8226 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8227 because the stakes are so low.
8230 Academicians care, that's who.
8233 A modern school where football is taught.
8235 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8237 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8239 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8242 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8245 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8246 but absence of body is better.
8247 -- Foolish Dictionary
8250 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8251 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8252 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8253 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8254 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8256 Accidents cause History.
8258 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8259 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8260 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8261 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8262 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8263 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8265 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8266 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8267 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8268 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8269 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8270 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8271 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8272 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8273 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8274 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8275 sheepish grin" comes from.
8277 According to all the latest reports,
8278 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8280 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8281 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8282 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8283 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8286 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8287 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8289 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8291 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8292 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8294 According to the latest official figures,
8295 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8297 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
8300 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8301 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8302 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8303 beat up their city anytime.
8307 A bagpipe with pleats.
8310 The vice of being right.
8312 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8314 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8317 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8318 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8319 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8320 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8322 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8324 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8325 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8326 well, I think of my sex life.
8331 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8332 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8333 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8334 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8335 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8336 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8337 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
8338 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8339 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8341 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
8342 everyone glued in their seats!"
8343 Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
8346 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8347 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8348 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8349 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8351 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
8353 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8354 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
8355 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8357 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8359 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8360 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8362 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8363 only have one floor to go to.
8365 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8366 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8367 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8368 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8369 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8372 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8375 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8376 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8378 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8380 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8381 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8384 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8385 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8387 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8388 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
8390 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8391 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8392 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8393 -- George Washington (1732-1799)
8395 Adding sound to movies would be like
8396 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8397 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
8399 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8400 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8402 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8404 Adler's Distinction:
8405 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8406 and from the bureaucrats.
8409 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8410 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8413 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8415 Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
8420 To venerate expectantly.
8421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8424 One old enough to know better.
8428 Advancement in position.
8430 Advertisements contain the only
8431 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8434 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
8435 way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
8438 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8441 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8442 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8445 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8446 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8449 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8451 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8453 Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
8454 then at least be aseptic.
8456 African violet: Such worth is rare
8457 Apple blossom: Preference
8458 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8459 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8460 Camellia: Reflected loveliness
8461 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8462 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8463 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8467 Forget-me-not: True love
8469 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8470 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8471 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8472 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8473 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8474 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8475 Lily: Purity, sweetness
8476 Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
8477 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8478 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8480 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8481 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8482 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8483 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8484 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8485 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8486 especially that which is prohibited.
8487 -- Newton Minow, 1985,
8488 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
8490 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8491 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8492 more advanced than the lichen family.
8493 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
8495 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8497 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8498 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8499 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8500 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8501 And presents aren't promises
8502 And you begin to accept your defeats
8503 With your head up and your eyes open,
8504 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8505 And you learn to build all your roads
8506 On today because tomorrow's ground
8507 Is too uncertain. And futures have
8508 A way of falling down in midflight,
8509 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
8510 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
8511 For someone to bring you flowers.
8512 And you learn that you really can endure...
8513 That you really are strong,
8514 And you really do have worth
8515 And you learn and learn
8516 With every goodbye you learn.
8517 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
8519 After all, all he did was string together
8520 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
8521 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
8523 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8525 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
8528 After all my erstwhile dear,
8529 My no longer cherished,
8530 Need we say it was not love,
8531 Just because it perished?
8532 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8534 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
8535 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
8536 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
8539 After an instrument has been assembled,
8540 extra components will be found on the bench.
8542 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
8543 month than you did before.
8545 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
8546 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
8547 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
8548 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
8549 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
8550 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
8551 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
8552 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
8553 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
8554 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
8555 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
8556 that it sinks like a stone.
8557 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8559 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
8560 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
8561 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
8562 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
8563 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
8564 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
8565 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
8566 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
8567 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
8568 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
8569 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
8570 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
8571 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
8573 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
8574 the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
8575 cost to others, to win advancement.
8578 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
8579 but you believe everything. Just in case.
8581 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
8582 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
8583 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
8584 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
8585 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
8586 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
8587 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
8588 one foot in his mouth.)
8589 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
8591 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
8594 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
8595 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
8596 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
8597 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
8598 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
8600 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
8601 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
8603 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
8604 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
8605 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
8606 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
8607 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
8608 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
8609 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
8610 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
8611 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
8612 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
8613 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
8614 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
8615 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
8616 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
8618 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
8619 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
8620 Nobel Prize in 1923.
8622 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
8623 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
8624 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
8625 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
8626 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
8628 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
8629 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
8630 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
8631 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
8632 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
8633 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
8634 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
8636 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
8637 straight to the point.
8638 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
8640 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
8641 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
8643 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
8646 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
8649 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
8651 Against Idleness and Mischief
8653 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
8654 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
8655 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
8656 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
8658 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
8659 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
8660 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
8661 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
8662 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
8664 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
8665 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
8667 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
8669 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
8672 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
8673 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
8676 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
8677 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
8678 enterprise to commit.
8679 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8682 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
8684 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
8686 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
8687 Or what's a heaven for ?
8688 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
8690 Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
8693 For all dreams are not equal,
8694 some exit to nightmare
8695 most end with the dreamer
8697 But at least one must be lived ... and died.
8699 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
8700 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
8701 And I answer them most mysteriously:
8702 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
8705 Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
8707 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
8709 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
8711 "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
8712 Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
8713 that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
8714 unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
8715 up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
8716 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
8718 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
8720 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
8721 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
8723 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
8726 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
8727 -- The Mad Dogtender
8729 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
8730 bring me a message from a young man.
8733 Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
8735 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
8738 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
8739 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
8741 Air is water with holes in it.
8744 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
8745 the fattening of the poor.
8746 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
8748 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
8750 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
8751 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
8752 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
8754 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
8755 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
8757 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
8758 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
8759 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
8760 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8762 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
8763 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
8765 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
8766 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
8771 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
8772 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
8773 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
8774 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
8777 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
8778 telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
8779 York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
8780 And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
8781 receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
8784 Social innovations tend to the level
8785 of minimum tolerable well-being.
8787 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
8788 The surest poison is time.
8789 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
8791 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
8792 -- George Bernard Shaw
8795 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
8797 (2) Always be backlit.
8798 (3) Sit down whenever possible.
8800 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
8801 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
8802 You take one down, and pass it around,
8803 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
8805 Alex Haley was adopted!
8807 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
8808 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
8810 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
8811 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
8812 -- The Best of Will Rogers
8814 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
8815 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
8817 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
8818 important programming language yet developed.
8822 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
8824 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
8826 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
8827 them keeps paying for it.
8830 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
8833 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
8836 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
8838 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
8840 Alive without breath,
8842 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
8843 All in mail ever clinking.
8845 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
8847 All art is but imitation of nature.
8848 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
8850 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
8851 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
8852 Catiline", by Sallust
8854 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
8858 All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
8859 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
8861 All constants are variables.
8863 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
8866 All extremists should be taken out and shot.
8868 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
8873 Smoke a friend today.
8875 All generalizations are false, including this one.
8878 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
8880 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
8882 All Gods were immortal.
8883 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
8885 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
8888 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
8890 All heiresses are beautiful.
8893 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
8894 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
8897 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
8900 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
8902 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
8905 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
8906 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
8909 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
8910 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
8911 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
8914 All I need to have a good time,
8915 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
8916 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
8917 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
8919 All I want is to never grow old,
8920 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
8921 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
8922 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
8924 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
8925 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
8926 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
8927 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
8928 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
8930 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
8931 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
8933 All intelligent species own cats.
8935 All is fear in love and war.
8937 All is well that ends well.
8940 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
8941 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
8942 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
8943 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
8944 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
8945 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
8947 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
8950 All laws are simulations of reality.
8953 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
8956 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
8960 All men have the right to wait in line.
8962 All men know the utility of useful things;
8963 but they do not know the utility of futility.
8966 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
8967 To believe all men honest would be folly.
8968 To believe none so is something worse.
8969 -- John Quincy Adams
8971 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
8972 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
8975 All most people ask of life is a constant
8976 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
8978 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
8980 All my friends and I are crazy.
8981 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
8983 All my friends are getting married,
8984 Yes, they're all growing old,
8985 They're all staying home on the weekend,
8986 They're all doing what they're told.
8988 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
8992 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
8994 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
8995 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
8997 All of the animals except man know that
8998 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
9000 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
9001 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
9002 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
9003 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
9006 All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
9007 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
9009 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
9010 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
9011 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
9012 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
9013 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
9015 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
9019 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
9020 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
9021 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
9023 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
9025 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
9028 All phone calls are obscene.
9029 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
9031 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
9034 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
9036 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
9037 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
9038 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
9039 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
9040 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
9041 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
9043 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
9045 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
9047 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
9048 to live beyond its income.
9049 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
9051 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
9052 -- Ernest Rutherford
9054 All seems condemned in the long run
9055 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9058 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9061 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9063 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9065 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9067 All that is gold does not glitter,
9068 Not all those who wander are lost;
9069 The old that is strong does not wither,
9070 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9071 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9072 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9073 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9074 The crownless again shall be king.
9077 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
9078 too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
9079 subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
9080 can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
9081 Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
9082 decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
9084 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
9086 All the evidence concerning the universe
9087 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9089 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9090 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9091 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9092 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9094 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9095 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9096 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9097 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9099 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9100 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9101 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9102 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9104 I've read all the greats
9105 Both starving and fat,
9106 But none was as great as
9107 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9108 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9110 All the men on my staff can type.
9113 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9116 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
9118 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
9120 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9123 All the simple programs have been written.
9125 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
9126 the government in less than a second.
9129 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9131 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9134 All the world's a VAX,
9135 And all the coders merely butchers;
9136 They have their exits and their entrails;
9137 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9138 His sizeof being _
\bN bytes. At first the infant,
9139 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9140 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9141 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9142 Unwillingly to school.
9143 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9145 All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
9146 and all theoretical chemists know it.
9147 -- Richard P. Feynman
9149 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9151 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9153 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9154 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9156 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9157 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9160 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9162 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9163 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9165 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
9166 infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
9170 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9171 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9172 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9174 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9176 All who joy would win Must share it --
9177 Happiness was born a twin.
9180 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9182 All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
9183 upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
9184 visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
9185 informing, stimulating and ennobling.
9189 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9192 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
9193 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
9194 cannot separately plunder a third.
9195 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9197 All's well that ends.
9199 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9200 about today's software design would be accurate.
9205 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9207 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9208 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9210 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9211 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9212 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9213 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9214 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9215 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9217 caaa, n: An automobile.
9218 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9219 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9220 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9221 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9223 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9225 Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
9226 Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
9229 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9230 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9231 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9232 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9233 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9234 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9235 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9236 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9238 Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
9240 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
9241 mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
9242 any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
9243 to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
9244 Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
9245 serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
9246 same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
9247 that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
9248 penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
9249 running the post office.
9250 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
9252 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9253 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9254 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9255 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9256 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9257 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9258 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9259 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9260 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
9262 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
9264 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9266 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9269 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9271 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9273 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9276 Always store beer in a dark place.
9278 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9279 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9281 Always there remain portions of our heart
9282 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9284 Always think of something new; this
9285 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9288 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
9291 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
9294 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9295 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9298 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9299 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9302 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9303 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9306 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9308 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9312 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9313 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
9316 America: born free and taxed to death.
9318 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9321 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9324 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9325 and the scum rises to the top.
9328 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9329 -- President John F. Kennedy
9331 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9332 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9333 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9334 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9335 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9337 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9338 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9339 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9340 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9341 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9342 by the majority they were at the time.
9343 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9345 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9346 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9348 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9349 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9352 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9353 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9355 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9357 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9359 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
9360 employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
9361 employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
9362 between the men's room and the women's room without having little
9363 pictures on the doors.
9364 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
9366 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9368 American cars are made shoddily...
9369 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9372 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9373 we allow them short of hanging.
9376 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9377 tail it knocks over a chair.
9380 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9381 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9384 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9386 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9387 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9388 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9390 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9392 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9395 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9396 and divide at the same time.
9398 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9399 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
9401 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9403 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9404 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9406 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9409 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9410 in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
9412 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9414 An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
9415 people refuse to see it.
9416 -- James Michener, "Space"
9418 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9419 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9420 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9421 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9423 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9426 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9429 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9430 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9431 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
9433 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9434 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9435 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9436 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9439 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9442 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9443 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9444 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9445 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9446 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9447 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9448 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9450 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9451 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9452 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9454 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9455 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9457 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9459 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9460 transportation everywhere."
9461 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9462 R: "We take the train."
9463 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9464 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9465 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9468 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9469 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9471 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
9472 Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
9473 new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9476 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9477 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9480 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9482 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9484 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9486 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
9488 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
9490 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9492 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9495 An attachment a la Plato
9496 for a bashful young potato
9497 or a, not too French, french bean
9498 must excite your languid spleen.
9499 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9500 with a poppy or lily
9501 in your medieval hand,
9503 as you walk your flowery way;
9504 "If this young man is content,
9505 with a vegetable love
9506 which would certainly not content me.
9507 Why, what a very pure young man
9508 this pure young man must be!"
9509 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
9510 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
9512 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
9513 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
9514 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
9515 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
9516 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
9517 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
9519 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
9520 really care to know.
9522 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
9524 An economist is a man who would marry
9525 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
9527 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
9528 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
9530 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
9532 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
9533 itself equally in small as in great matters.
9534 -- Winston Churchill
9536 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
9537 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
9540 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
9541 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
9542 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
9543 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
9544 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
9545 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
9546 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
9547 I've already paid them half of it."
9548 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
9549 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
9551 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
9553 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
9554 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
9555 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
9556 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
9557 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
9558 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
9559 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
9560 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
9561 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
9562 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
9564 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
9566 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
9567 summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
9568 arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
9569 responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
9571 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
9574 An evil mind is a great comfort.
9576 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
9577 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
9578 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
9579 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
9580 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
9583 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
9584 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
9585 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
9586 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
9587 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
9588 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
9589 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
9590 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
9591 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
9592 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
9593 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
9594 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
9596 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
9598 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
9602 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
9606 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
9607 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
9608 -- Benjamin Stolberg
9610 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
9611 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
9613 An eye in a blue face
9614 Saw an eye in a green face.
9615 "That eye is like this eye"
9620 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
9621 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
9622 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
9623 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
9624 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
9625 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
9626 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
9627 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
9628 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
9629 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
9630 He let go by the things of yesterday
9631 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
9632 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
9633 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
9634 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
9635 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
9636 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
9637 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
9638 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
9639 Was he to study till his head wend round
9640 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
9641 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
9642 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
9643 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
9647 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
9650 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
9651 bought they stay bought.
9654 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
9655 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
9657 An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
9658 eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
9660 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
9662 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
9664 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
9667 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
9669 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
9670 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
9673 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
9676 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
9677 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
9678 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
9679 by the corresponding row and column labels.
9680 -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
9681 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
9683 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
9684 -- Benjamin Franklin
9686 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
9687 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
9688 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
9689 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
9690 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
9691 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
9692 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
9693 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
9694 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
9695 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
9696 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
9697 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
9698 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
9699 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
9702 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
9705 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
9706 A pessimist is a married optimist.
9708 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
9710 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
9713 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
9716 An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
9718 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
9721 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
9722 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
9723 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
9724 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
9725 I've worried and worried and worried away.
9726 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
9727 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
9729 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
9730 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
9731 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
9732 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
9733 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
9734 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
9736 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
9737 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
9738 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
9739 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
9740 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
9741 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
9742 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
9744 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
9745 Let our chant fill the void
9746 That others may know
9748 In the land of the night
9752 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
9754 And did those feet, in ancient times,
9755 Walk upon England's mountains green?
9756 And was the Holy Lamb of God
9757 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
9758 And did the Countenance Divine
9759 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
9760 And was Jerusalem builded here
9761 Among these dark satanic mills?
9763 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
9764 Bring me my arrows of desire!
9765 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
9766 Bring me my chariot of fire!
9767 I shall not cease from mental fight,
9768 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
9769 Till we have built Jerusalem
9770 In England's green and pleasant land.
9771 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
9773 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
9775 And ever has it been known that
9776 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
9779 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
9780 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
9781 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
9782 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
9783 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
9784 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
9785 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
9786 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
9787 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
9788 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
9789 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
9790 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
9791 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
9792 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
9793 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
9794 them. No matter how small-ish!"
9795 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
9797 And here I wait so patiently
9798 Waiting to find out what price
9799 You have to pay to get out of
9800 Going thru all of these things twice
9801 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
9803 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
9805 And I heard Jeff exclaim,
9806 As they strolled out of sight,
9807 "Merry Christmas to all --
9808 You take credit cards, right?"
9809 -- "Outsiders" comic
9811 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
9812 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
9813 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
9814 them, aren't braced against them.
9815 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
9817 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
9818 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
9819 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
9820 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
9822 And if California slides into the ocean,
9823 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
9824 I predict this motel will be standing,
9825 Until I've paid my bill.
9826 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
9828 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
9829 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
9833 As I am heading for the sink.
9834 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
9835 Along with half of my last drink.
9837 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
9838 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
9841 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
9842 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
9845 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
9848 And miles to go before I sleep.
9850 And now for something completely the same.
9852 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
9853 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
9854 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
9855 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
9857 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
9858 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
9859 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
9860 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
9862 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
9863 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
9864 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
9865 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
9867 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
9868 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
9869 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
9870 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
9873 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
9875 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
9877 And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
9879 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
9882 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
9883 Mama'd come to school
9884 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
9885 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
9886 Got a good head if he'd apply it
9887 but you know yourself
9888 it's always somewhere else
9889 I'd build me a castle
9890 with dragons and kings
9891 and I'd ride off with them
9892 As I stood by my window
9893 and looked out on those
9895 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
9897 And so it was, later,
9898 As the miller told his tale,
9899 That her face, at first just ghostly,
9900 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
9903 And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
9904 fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
9905 looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
9906 approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
9907 is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
9908 of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
9909 gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
9910 procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
9911 youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
9913 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
9915 And that's the way it is...
9918 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
9919 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
9920 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
9921 clothes! He is naked!"
9922 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
9924 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
9925 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
9926 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
9927 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
9928 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
9929 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
9931 And the silence came surging softly backwards
9932 When the plunging hooves were gone...
9933 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
9935 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
9936 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
9938 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
9939 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
9940 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
9941 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
9942 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
9944 And this is good old Boston,
9945 The home of the bean and the cod,
9946 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
9947 And the Cabots talk only to God.
9949 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
9950 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
9952 And we heard him exclaim
9953 As he started to roam:
9954 "I'm a hologram, kids,
9955 please don't try this at home!'"
9958 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
9959 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
9960 Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
9961 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
9962 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
9963 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
9964 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
9965 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
9966 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
9967 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
9968 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
9969 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
9970 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
9971 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
9973 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
9974 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
9975 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
9976 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
9977 -- The Grateful Dead
9979 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
9980 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
9981 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
9982 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
9983 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
9984 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
9987 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
9988 sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
9989 and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
9990 face, we have politics.
9991 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
9992 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
9994 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
9995 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
9997 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
9998 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
9999 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
10001 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
10003 Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
10004 Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _
\bn_
\be_
\be_
\bd_
\bs heroes.
10005 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
10007 Andrea's Admonition:
10008 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
10009 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
10010 it isn't and he can.
10015 Angels we have heard on High
10016 Tell us to go out and Buy.
10019 Anger is momentary madness.
10022 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
10024 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
10025 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
10028 Ankh if you love Isis.
10030 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
10032 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
10034 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
10035 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
10036 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
10037 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
10038 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
10041 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
10043 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10045 Another day, another dollar.
10046 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
10047 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
10050 Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
10051 and nobody wants to do maintenance.
10052 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
10054 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
10056 Another megabytes the dust.
10058 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
10059 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
10060 and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
10061 offers whiter teeth *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* fresher breath.
10062 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
10064 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
10067 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
10070 Anthony's Law of Force:
10071 Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
10073 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
10074 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
10075 corner of the workshop.
10078 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
10081 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
10082 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
10084 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
10087 Was tired of living alonio
10088 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
10089 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
10090 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
10092 Sitting and knitting alonio.
10094 Said if you will be my ownio
10095 I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
10096 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
10097 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
10099 Is that you will quickly begonio.
10101 Uttered a dismal moanio
10102 And went off and hid
10103 Or I'm told that he did
10104 In the Antarctical Zonio.
10107 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
10109 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
10110 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
10111 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
10112 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
10113 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
10114 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
10115 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
10116 cars across Europe.
10118 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
10119 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
10121 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
10124 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
10125 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
10126 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
10127 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
10128 Is there a better way to die?
10129 -- Charles Lindbergh
10131 Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
10132 representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
10133 representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
10134 capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
10135 -- Richard Schickel
10137 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
10140 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
10141 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
10143 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
10144 wise person to be able to sell it.
10146 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
10150 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10154 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10156 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10157 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10158 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10159 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10163 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10165 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10166 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10167 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10168 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10169 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10171 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10172 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
10174 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10175 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10176 be deemed to be a cat.
10177 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10179 Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
10180 -- Sydney J. Harris
10182 Any president should have the right to shoot
10183 at least two people a year without explanation.
10184 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10186 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10189 Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
10193 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10195 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10197 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10198 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10199 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10200 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10202 Any small object that is accidentally
10203 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10205 Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
10206 exactly the point of most pressure.
10209 Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
10212 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10214 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10215 -- Arthur C. Clarke
10217 Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
10218 given proper legal counsel.
10219 -- Alfred Perlstein
10221 Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
10224 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10225 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10227 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10229 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10230 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10233 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10234 organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10237 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10238 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10240 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10242 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10243 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10244 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10247 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10248 supposed to be doing at the moment.
10251 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10254 Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
10257 Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
10258 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10259 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10260 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10261 thought on every occasion.
10262 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10264 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10266 Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
10267 extremely humble opinion.
10270 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
10271 is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
10272 make messes in the house.
10273 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
10275 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10276 -- Robert A. Heinlein
10278 Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
10279 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
10281 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10284 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10285 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10286 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10287 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10288 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10290 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10291 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10294 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10295 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10296 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10298 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
10299 account be allowed to do the job.
10300 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
10302 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10303 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10304 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10305 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10307 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10310 Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
10311 tried taking candy from a baby.
10314 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10317 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10319 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
10321 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10323 Anything is possible on paper.
10326 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10328 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10329 The label means the price went up.
10330 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10331 means the price went way up.
10333 Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
10335 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10336 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10337 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10339 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10341 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10342 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10343 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10344 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10345 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10346 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10347 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10348 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10349 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10351 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10352 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10354 Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
10357 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10358 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10361 A concise, clever statement.
10363 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10364 -- James Alexander Thom
10366 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10368 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10369 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10371 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10373 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10374 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10377 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10378 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10381 Appearances often are deceiving.
10385 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10388 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10389 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
10391 April is the cruelest month...
10392 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10394 Aquadextrous, adj.:
10395 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10396 faucet on and off with your toes.
10397 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
10399 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10400 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10401 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10402 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10403 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10405 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10406 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10407 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10408 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10409 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10411 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10412 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10413 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10414 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10415 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10416 able to lend you a few bucks.
10418 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10419 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10420 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10421 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10422 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10423 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10426 Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
10427 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
10428 general can be said."
10430 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
10431 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
10435 Are we running light with overbyte?
10438 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10439 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10440 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10443 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10444 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10446 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10447 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10448 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10449 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10450 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10451 Don't you know any better?
10452 How could you be so stupid?
10453 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10454 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10455 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10457 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10458 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10460 Do as I say, not as I do.
10461 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10462 What did you do *this* time?
10463 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10464 When I was your age...
10465 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10466 Think of all the starving children in India.
10467 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10468 I'm going to kill you.
10470 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10472 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10473 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10475 Go away. You bother me.
10476 Why? Because life is unfair.
10477 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10478 Children should be seen and not heard.
10479 You'll be the death of me.
10480 You'll understand when you're older.
10482 Wipe that smile off your face.
10483 I don't believe you.
10484 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10487 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10488 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10490 Good children always obey.
10491 Quit acting so childish.
10493 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10494 Why do you have to know so much?
10495 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10496 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10497 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10499 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10501 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10502 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10504 When are you going to grow up?
10505 I'm only doing this for your own good.
10506 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
10508 What's wrong with you?
10509 Someday you'll thank me for this.
10510 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
10511 Don't you have any sense at all?
10512 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
10513 Why? Because I said so.
10514 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
10516 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10517 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10519 You wouldn't understand.
10520 You ask too many questions.
10521 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
10522 That's for me to know and you to find out.
10523 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
10525 You're acting too big for your britches.
10526 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
10527 Wait till your father gets home.
10528 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
10529 Shape up or ship out.
10533 Are you making all this up as you go along?
10535 Are you sure the back door is locked?
10537 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
10538 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
10540 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
10541 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
10544 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
10545 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
10547 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
10548 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
10549 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
10552 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
10553 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
10554 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
10555 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
10558 An obscure art no longer practiced in
10559 the world's developed countries.
10561 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
10565 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
10567 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
10568 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
10573 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
10575 Armstrong's Collection Law:
10576 If the check is truly in the mail,
10577 it is surely made out to someone else.
10579 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
10580 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
10581 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
10582 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
10585 Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
10586 measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
10587 imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
10588 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
10590 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
10591 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
10592 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
10593 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
10595 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
10596 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
10598 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
10599 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
10600 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
10601 piece would be better known as:
10602 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
10604 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
10605 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
10606 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
10608 Art is a jealous mistress.
10609 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
10611 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
10614 Art is anything you can get away with.
10615 -- Marshall McLuhan
10617 Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
10620 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
10623 "Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
10624 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
10626 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
10628 Arthur's Laws of Love:
10629 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
10630 remind them of someone else.
10631 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
10632 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
10633 of yourself in person.
10636 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
10637 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
10638 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
10639 Article the Fourth:
10640 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
10641 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
10642 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
10644 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
10645 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
10646 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
10647 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
10648 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
10650 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
10651 artificial flowers have to flowers.
10654 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
10656 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
10658 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
10659 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
10660 perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
10661 "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
10662 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
10664 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
10665 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
10666 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10669 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
10670 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
10671 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
10673 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
10674 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
10675 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
10676 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
10678 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
10679 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
10680 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
10681 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
10683 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
10684 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
10686 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
10687 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
10688 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
10691 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
10692 certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
10695 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
10698 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
10699 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
10701 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
10702 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
10703 -- Frederic Reynolds
10705 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
10706 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
10709 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
10711 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
10714 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
10715 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
10716 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
10717 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
10718 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
10719 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
10720 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
10721 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
10722 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
10725 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
10726 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
10729 As I thought, no better from this side.
10732 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
10733 Feeling worse and worser,
10734 There I met a C.R.T.
10735 And it drop't me a cursor.
10738 Phosphors light on you!
10739 If I had fifty hours a day
10740 I'd spend them all at you.
10741 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
10743 As I was passing Project MAC,
10744 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
10745 Every hack had seven bugs;
10746 Every bug had seven manifestations;
10747 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
10748 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
10749 How many losses at Project MAC?
10751 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
10752 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
10753 The words were torn and tattered,
10754 From the storm the night before,
10755 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
10757 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
10758 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
10759 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
10760 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
10762 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
10763 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
10764 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
10765 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
10767 As in certain cults it is possible to
10768 kill a process if you know its true name.
10769 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
10771 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
10772 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
10773 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
10774 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
10775 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
10776 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
10777 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
10778 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
10779 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
10780 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
10781 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
10782 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
10783 on the austerity of the word.
10784 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
10786 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
10787 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
10788 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
10789 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
10791 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
10793 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
10795 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
10796 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
10797 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
10799 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
10800 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
10801 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
10803 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10804 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10805 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10807 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10809 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
10810 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
10811 3. Some people never look at me.
10812 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
10813 5. My sex life is A-okay.
10814 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10815 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
10816 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10817 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10818 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
10819 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
10820 12. I cannot read or write.
10821 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
10822 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
10823 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
10824 16. I am never startled by a fish.
10825 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
10826 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
10827 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
10828 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10830 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10831 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10832 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10834 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10836 1. I think beavers work too hard.
10837 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
10839 4. I like mannish children.
10840 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
10841 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
10842 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
10843 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
10844 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10845 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
10846 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
10848 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
10849 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
10850 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
10851 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
10852 16. My eyes are always cold.
10853 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10854 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10855 19. I am never startled by a fish.
10856 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10858 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
10859 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
10860 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
10861 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
10862 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
10863 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
10864 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
10865 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
10866 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
10868 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
10869 Please update your programs.
10871 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
10872 Please update your programs.
10874 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
10876 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
10877 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
10879 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
10881 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
10882 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
10883 Keywords: C sources
10886 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
10887 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
10888 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
10889 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
10891 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
10892 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
10893 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
10896 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
10897 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
10898 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
10899 conversion to a new computer system.
10901 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
10902 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
10903 Of society offenders who might well be underground
10904 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
10905 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
10907 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
10908 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
10909 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
10910 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
10912 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
10914 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
10915 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
10918 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
10919 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
10920 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
10921 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
10922 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
10923 efficient test cases will usually be available.
10924 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
10926 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
10927 is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
10928 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
10930 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
10931 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
10932 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
10933 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
10935 -- Benjamin Franklin
10937 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
10938 -- Miguel de Cervantes
10940 As Will Rogers would have said,
10941 "There is no such things as a free variable."
10943 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
10944 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
10945 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
10946 proper time for chocolate.
10947 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
10949 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
10950 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
10953 As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
10954 interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
10955 Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
10956 out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
10957 Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
10958 organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
10959 birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
10960 see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
10961 stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
10962 with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
10963 talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
10964 highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
10965 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
10968 As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
10969 your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
10970 The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
10971 with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
10972 from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
10973 over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
10974 a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
10975 spider is suing you for damages.
10977 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
10978 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
10980 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
10982 Ascend to the high mountain pass,
10983 Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
10984 Do not give up to the great distance:
10985 It's by going that you will reach your aim.
10986 Be not discouraged by human frailty:
10987 You will overcome it if you try to.
10988 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
10991 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
10992 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
10993 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
10997 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
10999 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
11001 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
11002 If God won't have you, the devil must.
11004 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
11005 one went to Harvard).
11006 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
11008 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
11009 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
11012 Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
11014 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
11015 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
11017 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
11020 Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
11023 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
11024 -- John Stuart Mill
11026 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
11027 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
11028 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
11029 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
11030 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
11031 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
11032 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
11033 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
11034 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
11035 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
11036 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
11037 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
11038 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
11039 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
11040 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
11041 -- Garrison Keillor
11043 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
11044 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
11045 -- Christopher Hampton
11047 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
11048 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
11051 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
11052 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
11053 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
11054 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
11057 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
11059 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
11060 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
11062 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
11063 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
11064 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
11065 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
11066 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
11067 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
11068 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
11069 a computer problem?"
11070 "Remember the twin paradox?"
11071 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
11072 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
11073 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
11074 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
11075 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
11076 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
11078 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
11080 At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
11081 not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
11082 it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
11083 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
11085 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
11086 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
11087 ignorance upon the shore.
11090 At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
11091 We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
11092 around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
11093 least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
11095 It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
11096 while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
11097 crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
11098 have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
11099 `more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
11100 Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
11101 function as a normal person.
11103 I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
11104 you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
11109 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
11110 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
11111 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
11113 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
11115 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
11116 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
11117 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
11119 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
11120 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
11123 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
11126 At least they're _
\bE_
\bX_
\bP_
\bE_
\bR_
\bI_
\bE_
\bN_
\bC_
\bE_
\bD incompetents.
11128 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
11129 thumb with a hammer.
11130 -- Marshall Lumsden
11132 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
11133 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
11134 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
11135 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
11136 after fact and reason.
11139 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
11140 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
11143 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
11144 and no further activities are scheduled.
11146 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
11147 The image of Providing Nourishment.
11148 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
11149 And temperate in eating and drinking.
11151 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
11152 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
11153 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
11154 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
11155 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
11156 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
11157 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
11159 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
11161 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
11162 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
11163 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
11164 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
11165 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
11166 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
11167 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
11168 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
11170 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
11171 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
11172 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
11173 guess who's going to die soon!"
11175 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
11176 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
11178 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
11179 -- Peter G. Alaquon
11181 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
11182 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
11185 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
11186 number of pens that person is carrying.
11188 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11191 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
11193 Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
11196 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
11197 -- Winston Churchill
11199 Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
11200 to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
11203 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
11204 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
11205 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
11206 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
11207 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
11208 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
11211 A gyp off the old block.
11213 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
11217 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
11219 Auribus teneo lupum.
11220 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11223 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11225 Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
11226 depths they were once able to plumb.
11229 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11230 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11233 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
11238 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11240 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11241 They're a dime a dozen.
11243 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11245 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11246 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11248 Avoid reality at all costs.
11250 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11251 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11252 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11254 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11256 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11257 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11258 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11259 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11261 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11262 bad fiction contest.
11265 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11266 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11267 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11270 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11273 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11275 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11276 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11277 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11278 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11279 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11280 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11281 Business before pleasure."
11283 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11284 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11285 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11286 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11287 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11288 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11289 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11290 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11291 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11292 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11293 never really caught on.
11295 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11296 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11298 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11299 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11301 Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11303 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11305 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11306 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11310 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
11311 intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
11312 bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
11313 obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
11314 bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
11317 Bagdikian's Observation:
11318 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11319 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11321 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11322 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11324 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11325 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11326 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11331 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11335 Fear of being buried alive.
11344 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11346 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11348 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11349 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11350 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11353 The removal of bruises on a banana.
11354 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11356 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11359 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11361 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11362 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11363 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11364 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11365 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11367 Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
11368 floor -- especially in the dark.
11371 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11374 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11375 what kind of weather we are having.
11376 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11378 Barth's Distinction:
11379 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
11380 types, and those who don't.
11382 Baruch's Observation:
11383 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
11385 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11388 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11391 Basic Definitions of Science:
11392 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11393 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11394 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11396 Basic is a high level languish.
11397 APL is a high level anguish.
11399 BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
11401 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11405 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
11406 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11408 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11409 come in and sink my boats.
11413 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
11414 faucet is turned on to a certain point.
11415 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
11417 Batteries not included.
11420 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11421 will not yield to the tongue.
11422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11424 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11425 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11427 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11429 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11431 Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
11432 get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
11434 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
11436 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11439 Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
11441 Be careful! Is it classified?
11443 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11445 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11446 situations that can't bear inspection.
11448 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11451 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11452 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11454 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11456 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11459 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11461 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11462 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11464 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11465 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11468 Be different: conform.
11470 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11471 the issue afterwards.
11473 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11474 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11476 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11479 Insult a rich relative today.
11481 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11482 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11484 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11487 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11488 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11490 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11492 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11493 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11495 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11496 and original in your work.
11499 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11501 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11504 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
11506 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
11508 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
11509 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
11513 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
11514 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
11517 In war: Where soldiers die.
11519 Beam me up, Scotty!
11521 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
11523 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
11525 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
11528 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
11530 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
11532 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
11534 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
11537 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
11538 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
11541 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
11545 Because I do not hope,
11546 Because I do not hope to survive
11547 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
11548 Because I do, only do,
11552 Because the wine remembers.
11554 Because we don't think about future generations,
11555 they will never forget us.
11559 What did you bring back for me?
11561 Been Transferred Lately?
11563 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
11565 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
11567 Bees are very busy souls
11568 They have no time for birth controls
11569 And that is why in times like these
11570 There are so many Sons of Bees.
11572 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
11573 -- Addison H. Hallock
11575 Before destruction a man's heart is
11576 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
11579 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
11580 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
11581 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
11582 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
11583 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
11587 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
11589 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
11590 they are "Let's eat out."
11592 Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
11593 starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
11595 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
11597 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
11599 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
11600 you really want to know the answers.
11601 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
11603 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
11604 That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
11608 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
11609 you won't have to watch commercials.
11611 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
11612 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
11614 Beggars should be no choosers.
11617 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
11619 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
11621 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
11623 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
11624 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
11625 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
11629 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
11630 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
11632 Beifeld's Principle:
11633 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
11634 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
11635 already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
11636 looking and richer male friend.
11638 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
11640 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
11641 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
11642 opposite applies with the judges.
11643 -- Beyond the Fringe
11645 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
11646 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
11649 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
11650 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
11651 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
11652 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
11653 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
11655 Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
11656 if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
11657 has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
11658 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
11660 "Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
11662 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
11663 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
11665 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
11666 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
11669 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
11670 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
11673 Being owned by someone used to be called
11674 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
11676 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
11678 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
11679 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
11680 -- unnamed Justice Department official
11682 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
11685 Something you do not believe.
11687 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
11689 -- Honore de Balzac
11691 Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
11693 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
11696 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
11697 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
11698 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
11699 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
11701 Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
11705 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
11707 Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
11708 Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
11710 Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
11711 to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
11714 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
11715 none of his friends like him either.
11718 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
11719 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
11720 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
11721 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
11722 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
11723 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
11724 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
11725 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
11726 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
11727 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
11728 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
11729 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
11730 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
11731 "The test or the room?"
11732 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
11733 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
11734 Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
11735 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
11736 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
11738 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
11741 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
11742 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
11743 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
11745 Besides the device, the box should contain:
11747 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
11749 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
11750 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
11752 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
11755 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
11756 spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
11757 that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
11758 without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
11761 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
11762 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
11764 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
11765 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
11766 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
11767 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
11768 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
11769 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
11770 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
11771 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
11773 Best Mistakes In Films
11774 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
11775 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
11777 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
11778 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
11779 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
11780 with television aerials.
11781 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
11782 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
11784 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
11785 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
11786 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
11788 Best of all is never to have been born.
11789 Second best is to die soon.
11792 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
11793 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
11794 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
11796 Better by far you should forget and
11797 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
11798 -- Christina Rossetti
11800 Better dead than mellow.
11802 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
11803 around while you have your life in such a mess.
11805 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
11807 Better late than never.
11808 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
11810 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
11815 santa claus <north pole >town
11817 cat /etc/passwd >list
11820 cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
11821 cat list | grep nice >giftlist
11822 santa claus <north pole >town
11824 who | grep sleeping
11826 who | egrep 'bad|good'
11827 for (goodness sake) {
11831 Better the prince of some inferior court,
11832 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
11833 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
11835 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
11837 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
11838 -- motto of the Christopher Society
11840 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
11842 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
11845 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
11846 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
11847 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
11848 pushing boulders into a single word.
11849 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
11850 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
11851 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
11852 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
11853 Parliament and Party.
11854 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
11855 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
11856 -- The Realist, November, 1964
11858 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
11860 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
11868 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
11870 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
11871 referring to system service dispatching.]
11873 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
11875 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
11877 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
11879 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
11881 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
11882 a new wearer of clothes.
11883 -- Henry David Thoreau
11887 Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
11891 Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
11893 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
11895 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
11897 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
11899 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
11900 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
11901 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
11904 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
11905 -- Leonard Brandwein
11907 Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
11908 drip under pressure.
11910 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
11911 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
11912 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
11914 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
11916 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
11917 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
11919 Beware the new TTY code!
11921 Beware the one behind you.
11924 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
11926 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
11927 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
11928 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
11929 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
11931 Big book, big bore.
11934 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
11935 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
11938 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
11940 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
11943 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
11945 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
11946 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
11948 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
11949 generation to generation?
11951 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
11954 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
11956 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
11957 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
11958 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
11961 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
11963 Biology grows on you.
11965 Biology is the only science in which
11966 multiplication means the same thing as division.
11969 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
11972 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
11973 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
11974 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
11976 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
11979 The first and direst of all disasters.
11980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11982 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
11984 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
11985 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
11986 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
11987 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
11988 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
11989 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
11990 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
11993 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
11994 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
11995 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
11998 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
11999 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
12000 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
12004 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
12007 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
12009 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12011 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
12012 are involved in when they burn stores.
12015 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
12016 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
12017 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
12018 They were just some of my tropical fish.
12020 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
12021 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
12022 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
12023 Now I have many less tropical fish.
12027 That's an empty wish.
12028 Just dump them together
12029 And leave them alone,
12030 And soon you will have -- no fish.
12031 -- To My Favorite Things
12033 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
12034 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
12035 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
12036 She wants to hit those bricks,
12037 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
12038 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
12039 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
12040 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
12041 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
12042 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
12044 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
12046 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
12047 get the better even of their blunders.
12048 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
12050 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
12053 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
12055 -- James Russell Lowell
12057 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
12058 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
12060 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
12063 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
12066 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
12067 for he shall enjoy living.
12070 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
12071 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
12074 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
12077 BLISS is ignorance.
12080 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
12081 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
12082 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12084 Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
12086 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
12088 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
12089 The judge's jokes are always funny.
12092 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
12095 Blow it out your ear.
12098 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
12101 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
12103 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
12105 Boling's postulate:
12106 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
12108 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
12109 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
12110 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
12112 Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
12113 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
12115 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
12116 seemed to come from Texas.
12117 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
12119 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
12122 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
12124 BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
12127 You always find something in the last place you look.
12130 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
12133 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
12137 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
12138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12141 (1) When in charge, ponder.
12142 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
12143 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
12146 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
12147 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
12148 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
12152 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
12155 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
12156 finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
12158 Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
12159 that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
12160 straightened out for a crowbar.
12163 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
12164 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
12165 on the same communications line connection.
12166 -- Bell System Technical Reference
12168 Boucher's Observation:
12169 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
12170 several octaves higher than originally written.
12172 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
12176 Talent goes where the action is.
12179 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
12183 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
12184 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12185 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12186 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12187 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
12188 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
12189 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
12191 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
12192 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
12194 Boy, life takes a long time to live.
12198 A noise with dirt on it.
12200 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
12202 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
12204 Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
12205 when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
12208 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
12211 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
12212 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
12213 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
12214 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
12215 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
12216 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
12217 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
12218 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
12219 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
12220 which is all the time.
12221 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
12223 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
12224 unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
12225 (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
12226 to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
12227 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
12231 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
12232 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
12234 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
12235 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
12236 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
12237 have handled this?"
12239 Brain fried -- core dumped
12242 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
12243 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12245 Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
12246 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
12247 of error in an opponent.
12248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12250 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
12251 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
12253 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
12254 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
12255 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
12256 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
12258 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
12259 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
12260 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
12261 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
12262 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
12263 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
12264 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
12265 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
12266 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
12267 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
12268 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
12269 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
12270 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
12271 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
12273 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
12276 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
12279 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
12281 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
12282 since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
12283 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12285 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
12286 Watch lights fade from every room.
12287 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
12288 another day's useless energies spent.
12290 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
12291 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
12292 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
12293 Senior citizens wish they were young.
12295 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
12296 Removes the colors from our sight.
12297 Red is grey and yellow white.
12298 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
12299 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
12301 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
12304 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
12305 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12307 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
12310 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
12312 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
12313 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
12314 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
12315 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
12316 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
12317 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
12318 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
12319 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
12320 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
12321 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
12322 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
12323 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
12324 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
12327 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
12328 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
12329 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
12330 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
12332 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
12333 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
12334 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
12335 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
12336 -- "The Jabberwock"
12338 Bringing computers into the home won't change
12339 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
12341 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
12342 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
12343 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
12344 brusque, your character.
12347 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
12348 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
12351 British Israelites:
12352 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
12353 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
12354 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
12355 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
12356 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
12357 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
12358 and take all your teeth.
12359 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
12361 Broad-mindedness, n.:
12362 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12365 People tend to congregate in the back
12366 of the church and the front of the bus.
12369 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12371 Brontosaurus Principle:
12372 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
12373 in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
12374 this occurs, they are an endangered species.
12375 -- Thomas K. Connellan
12378 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12379 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12380 expands it beyond recognition.
12383 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
12386 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
12387 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
12388 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
12390 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
12391 (of one of the two other meanings).
12392 The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
12393 Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
12394 reviews just done in his spirit.
12396 BS: You remind me of a man.
12398 BS: The man with the power.
12400 BS: The power of voodoo.
12404 BS: Remind me of a man.
12406 BS: The man with the power...
12407 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12410 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
12411 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
12413 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12416 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12419 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
12420 programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
12423 Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
12427 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12428 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12429 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12430 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12433 Small living things that small living boys throw on small
12436 Building translators is good clean fun.
12439 BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
12441 GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
12442 BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
12443 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
12446 All the parts falling off this car are
12447 of the very finest British manufacture.
12449 Bunker's Admonition:
12450 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12453 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12454 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12455 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
12457 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12458 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12459 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12460 12 months after the decision is made.
12463 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12466 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
12470 A politician who has tenure.
12472 Burke's Postulates:
12473 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12474 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12476 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
12477 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
12479 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
12480 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
12481 perfectly balanced.
12482 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
12485 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12488 Bus error -- driver executed.
12490 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12492 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12494 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12495 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12496 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12498 Business will be either better or worse.
12501 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
12503 But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
12506 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
12507 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
12509 But has any little atom,
12510 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
12511 Ever stopped to think or CARE
12514 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
12515 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
12516 kill more than I could eat.
12519 But I don't like Spam!!!!
12521 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
12522 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
12523 "But I'm feeling much better..."
12524 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
12525 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
12527 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
12528 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
12529 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
12530 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
12531 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
12532 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
12533 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
12534 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
12535 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
12536 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
12537 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
12538 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
12540 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
12542 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
12543 nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
12544 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
12546 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
12547 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
12548 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
12550 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
12555 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
12557 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
12558 In proving foresight may be vain:
12559 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
12561 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
12563 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
12565 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
12567 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
12569 But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
12570 to the nearest gas station.
12572 But scientists, who ought to know
12573 Assure us that it must be so.
12574 Oh, let us never, never doubt
12575 What nobody is sure about.
12578 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
12580 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
12581 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
12584 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
12585 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
12586 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
12587 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
12589 But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
12590 was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
12591 education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
12592 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
12593 American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
12594 invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
12595 invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
12596 adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
12597 electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
12598 electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
12599 part) sends it right back to the customer again.
12601 This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
12602 of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
12603 very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
12604 In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
12605 States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
12606 ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
12608 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
12610 But these pills can't be habit forming;
12611 I've been taking them for years.
12613 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
12614 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
12615 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
12616 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
12617 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
12618 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
12620 But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
12623 But you shall not escape my iambics.
12624 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
12626 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
12627 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
12628 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
12629 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
12631 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
12632 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
12633 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
12634 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
12635 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
12636 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
12637 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
12638 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
12639 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
12640 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
12641 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
12642 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
12643 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
12644 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
12647 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
12649 By doing just a little every day, you can
12650 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
12652 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
12654 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
12655 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
12656 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
12659 By nature, men are nearly alike;
12660 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
12663 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
12664 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
12665 as it is to invent.
12666 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
12667 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
12668 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
12669 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
12670 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
12672 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
12673 -- Charles Spurgeon
12675 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
12676 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
12678 By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
12679 to suspect "Hungry" ...
12680 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
12682 By the time you swear you're his,
12683 shivering and sighing
12684 and he vows his passion is
12685 infinite, undying --
12686 Lady, make a note of this:
12687 One of you is lying.
12688 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
12690 By the yard, life is hard.
12691 By the inch, it's a cinch.
12693 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
12694 Another man's, I mean.
12697 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
12698 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
12702 Believing Your Own Bull
12704 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
12705 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
12706 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
12707 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
12708 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
12709 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _
\bt_
\bh_
\be_
\br_
\be. They often
12710 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
12712 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
12714 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
12715 carefully print the chaff.
12726 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
12728 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
12729 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
12730 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
12733 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
12734 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
12735 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
12740 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
12742 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12744 Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
12745 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
12748 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
12749 is supposed to know is there.
12751 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
12754 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
12755 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
12758 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
12761 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
12762 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
12764 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
12767 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12768 referring to logical names.]
12770 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
12771 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
12773 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
12774 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
12775 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
12776 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
12778 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
12779 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
12780 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
12782 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
12783 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
12785 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
12786 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
12790 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
12792 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
12794 Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
12798 Can anyone remember when the times
12799 were not hard, and money not scarce?
12801 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
12802 Yes, work never begun.
12804 "Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
12805 No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
12806 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
12808 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
12809 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
12810 -- Robert J. Ringer
12812 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
12813 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
12815 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
12816 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
12818 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
12819 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
12820 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
12822 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
12823 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
12824 A root or two, a torus and a node:
12825 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
12826 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
12828 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
12829 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
12830 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
12831 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
12832 when you're poor and unhappy.
12834 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
12835 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
12836 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
12837 off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
12838 recipients are Cancer people.
12841 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
12842 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
12843 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
12844 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
12845 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
12846 fashion without thinking.
12847 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
12848 Stallman: "What did he say?"
12849 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
12851 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
12852 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
12853 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
12855 Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
12857 Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
12859 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
12860 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
12861 -- John Maynard Keynes
12863 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
12864 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
12865 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
12866 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
12867 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
12868 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
12870 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
12871 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
12872 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
12873 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
12875 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
12876 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
12877 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
12878 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
12879 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
12881 Captain Penny's Law:
12882 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
12883 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
12885 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
12887 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
12888 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
12889 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
12892 Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
12893 trousers that don't match.
12895 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
12896 the name Craney incorrectly.
12899 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
12900 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
12901 the same can be said of dirt.
12903 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
12904 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
12905 dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
12906 then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
12907 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12909 Carson's Consolation:
12910 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
12911 It can always be used as a bad example.
12913 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
12914 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
12916 Carswell's Corollary:
12917 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
12918 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
12921 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
12923 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
12926 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
12929 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
12931 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
12932 -- Garrison Keillor
12934 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
12935 a sled through the snow.
12937 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
12939 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
12940 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
12942 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
12944 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
12946 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
12948 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
12950 Cecil, you're my final hope
12951 Of finding out the true Straight Dope
12952 For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
12953 But none of my cats are at all like that.
12954 This unusual animal (so it is said)
12955 Is simultaneously alive and dead!
12956 What I don't understand is just why he
12957 Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
12958 My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
12959 In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
12960 If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
12961 And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
12962 But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
12963 Then I will *_
\ba_
\bn_
\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
12964 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
12965 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
12967 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
12969 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
12970 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
12971 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
12972 -- Kelvin Throop III
12974 Census Taker to Housewife:
12975 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
12977 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
12979 Cerebral atrophy, n.:
12980 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
12981 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
12982 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
12983 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
12984 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
12985 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
12986 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
12988 Cerebral darwinism, n.:
12989 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
12990 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
12991 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
12992 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
12993 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
12994 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
12995 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
12996 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
12998 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
12999 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
13000 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
13003 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
13004 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
13006 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
13007 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
13008 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
13009 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
13010 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
13011 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
13012 others who have tried it.
13013 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13015 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
13016 the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
13017 of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
13018 which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
13019 the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
13020 nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
13021 (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
13023 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
13025 Certainly the game is rigged.
13026 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
13027 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
13029 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
13030 But it's very funny --
13031 did you ever try buying them without money?
13034 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
13036 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
13037 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
13039 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
13042 Chairman of the Bored.
13044 Chamberlain's Laws:
13045 1: The big guys always win.
13046 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
13048 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
13051 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
13053 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
13056 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
13058 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
13060 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
13061 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
13062 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
13063 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
13064 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
13065 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
13066 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
13069 Character density, n.:
13070 The number of very weird people in the office.
13072 Character is what you are in the dark!
13073 -- Lord John Whorfin
13075 Charity begins at home.
13076 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
13079 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
13081 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
13082 Linus: To make others happy.
13083 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
13085 Charlie was a chemist,
13086 But Charlie is no more.
13087 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
13089 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
13090 without having asked any clear question.
13092 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
13094 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
13095 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
13098 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
13099 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
13101 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
13103 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
13104 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
13107 Any cook who swears in French.
13110 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
13111 the next time he's in need.
13114 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
13116 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
13118 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
13120 Chemistry is applied theology.
13121 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
13123 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
13126 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13130 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
13133 Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
13135 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
13136 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
13137 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
13138 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
13140 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
13141 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
13142 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
13143 cheerfully baste you.
13144 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
13146 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
13147 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
13149 Chicken Little only has to be right once.
13151 Chicken Little was right.
13154 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
13155 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
13156 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
13157 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
13159 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
13160 shivers when it's warm.
13162 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
13163 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
13165 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
13166 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
13168 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
13169 going to catch you in next.
13170 -- Franklin P. Jones
13172 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
13173 And that's what parents were created for.
13176 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
13177 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
13180 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
13181 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
13183 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
13184 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
13186 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
13188 Chism's Law of Completion:
13189 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
13190 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
13192 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
13193 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
13195 Chivalry, Schmivalry!
13196 Roger the thief has a
13199 Folks who are reading are
13201 Always Forgetting to
13202 Guard their own bac ...
13206 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
13207 a friend if she were a man.
13211 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
13212 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
13213 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
13214 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
13215 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
13216 And we begged her not to go.
13217 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
13218 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
13219 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
13220 And incriminating claus-marks on her
13221 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
13222 He's been taking this so well.
13223 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
13224 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
13225 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
13226 They should never give a license,
13227 To a man who drives a sleigh and
13229 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
13231 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
13233 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
13234 -- George Bernard Shaw
13236 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
13237 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
13238 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
13239 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
13241 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
13242 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
13243 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
13244 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
13246 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
13247 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
13248 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
13249 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
13250 Angels We Have Heard On High,
13251 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
13252 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
13253 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
13254 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
13257 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
13258 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
13259 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
13262 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
13266 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
13267 covers the floors of movie theaters.
13268 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
13270 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
13273 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
13276 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
13277 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
13279 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
13283 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
13284 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
13286 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13288 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
13289 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
13292 Clarke's Conclusion:
13293 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
13295 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
13296 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
13299 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
13300 leading the parade.
13303 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
13304 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
13307 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
13309 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
13310 the walk before it stops snowing.
13313 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
13317 Where their last tornado did six
13318 million dollars worth of improvements.
13320 Cleveland still lives. God _
\bm_
\bu_
\bs_
\bt be dead.
13323 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
13325 Climate and Surgery
13326 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
13327 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
13328 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
13329 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
13330 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
13331 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
13332 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
13334 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
13335 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
13337 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
13338 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
13339 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
13340 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
13341 please?" it asked the bartender.
13342 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
13343 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
13344 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
13347 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
13348 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
13349 is a clone of our product."
13351 Clones are people two.
13353 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
13355 Clothes make the man.
13356 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
13359 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
13360 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
13361 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
13362 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
13364 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
13365 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
13366 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13368 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
13369 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
13370 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
13372 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
13373 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
13374 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13376 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
13377 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
13378 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
13380 Sam: What's up, Norm?
13381 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
13382 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
13384 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
13385 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
13386 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
13388 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
13389 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
13390 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
13392 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
13393 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
13394 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
13396 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
13397 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
13398 of whatever comes out of that tap.
13399 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
13400 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
13401 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
13403 Coach: What's up, Norm?
13404 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13405 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
13407 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
13408 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
13409 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13411 Coach: Beer, Normie?
13412 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
13413 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
13414 -- Cheers, Snow Job
13417 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
13420 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
13422 COBOL is for morons.
13423 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13425 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
13427 Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
13430 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
13431 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
13433 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
13434 "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
13435 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13437 Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
13441 There is no bottom to worse.
13444 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
13445 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
13446 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
13449 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
13452 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13453 -- G. K. Chesterton
13456 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
13459 Cold hands, no gloves.
13462 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13465 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
13466 other fellow can spell.
13469 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13471 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13472 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13473 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13474 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13479 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13481 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13483 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13485 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13486 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13487 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13488 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13489 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13490 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13491 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13492 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13493 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13494 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13496 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
13497 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
13498 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
13499 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
13500 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
13501 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
13502 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
13504 Colvard's Logical Premises:
13505 All probabilities are 50%.
13506 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
13508 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
13509 This is especially true when
13510 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
13512 Grelb's Commentary:
13513 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
13515 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13516 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13517 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13518 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13519 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13521 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
13522 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
13523 The bird of time has but a little way
13524 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
13528 -- George McGovern, 1972
13530 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
13531 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
13532 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
13534 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13535 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13536 Their indices bedecked from one to _
\bn,
13537 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13538 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13540 Come live with me, and be my love,
13541 And we will some new pleasures prove
13542 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
13543 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13546 Come live with me and be my love,
13547 And we will some new pleasures prove
13548 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
13549 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13550 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
13551 If you would be my POSSLQ.
13553 You live with me, and I with you,
13554 And you will be my POSSLQ.
13555 I'll be your friend and so much more;
13556 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
13558 And everything we will confess;
13559 Yes, even to the IRS.
13560 Some day on what we both may earn,
13561 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
13562 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
13563 You'll share my life - up to a point!
13564 And that you'll be so glad to do,
13565 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
13567 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
13568 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
13570 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
13571 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
13574 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
13575 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
13576 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
13577 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
13578 That no compunctious visiting of nature
13579 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
13580 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
13581 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
13582 Wherever in your sightless substances
13583 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
13584 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
13585 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
13586 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
13587 To cry `Hold, hold!'
13588 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
13590 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
13592 Coming to Stores Near You:
13594 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
13596 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
13597 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
13598 I'm Not Misbehaving
13600 And A Whole Lot More...
13602 Coming together is a beginning;
13603 keeping together is progress;
13604 working together is success.
13607 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
13608 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
13610 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
13611 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
13614 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
13615 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
13618 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
13619 decide that nothing can be done.
13623 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
13624 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
13625 stamps you as being wise.
13626 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
13628 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
13629 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
13630 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
13632 Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
13633 be appointed to do the work.
13635 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
13636 different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
13639 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
13642 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
13645 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
13646 Everyone thinks he has enough.
13647 -- Rene Descartes, 1637
13649 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
13650 1) No action is without side-effects.
13651 2) Nothing ever goes away.
13652 3) There is no free lunch.
13654 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
13656 Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
13657 of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
13660 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
13661 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
13662 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
13663 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
13664 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
13665 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
13666 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
13669 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
13670 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
13673 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
13674 is in the eye of the beholder.
13675 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
13677 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
13678 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
13683 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
13686 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
13689 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
13690 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
13691 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
13694 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
13695 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
13696 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
13698 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
13700 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
13702 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
13705 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
13706 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
13707 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
13708 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
13709 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
13710 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
13711 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
13713 Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
13715 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
13717 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
13718 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
13721 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
13723 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
13724 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
13727 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
13730 Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
13731 the world that just don't add up.
13733 Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
13734 The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
13735 goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
13736 course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
13737 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
13739 Computers don't actually think.
13740 You just think they think.
13743 Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
13744 than the estimate the job will cost.
13746 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
13747 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
13750 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
13753 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
13754 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
13755 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
13757 Condense soup, not books!
13760 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
13761 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
13762 he's already decided to do.
13764 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
13765 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
13768 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
13770 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
13771 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
13774 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
13776 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
13778 Confidant, confidante, n.:
13779 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
13780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13782 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
13783 fall flat on your face.
13786 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
13788 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
13789 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
13791 Conflicting research paradigms
13792 Have legitimized various crimes.
13793 The worst we can see
13795 Measuring reaction times.
13797 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
13799 Confucius say too damn much!
13801 Confucius say too much.
13802 -- Recent Chinese proverb
13804 Confusion will be my epitaph
13805 as I walk a cracked and broken path
13806 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
13807 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
13808 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
13810 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
13811 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
13814 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
13815 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
13816 you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
13817 maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
13818 OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
13819 UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
13820 IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
13821 WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
13822 SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
13823 RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
13824 RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
13825 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
13826 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
13828 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
13830 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
13835 Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
13836 v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
13837 a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
13838 with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
13839 a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
13842 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
13843 nameless to the development team after releasing
13844 the second version of their product.
13846 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
13848 Mathematician's Proof:
13849 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
13850 odd numbers are prime.
13852 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
13853 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13855 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
13856 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13857 Computer Scientist's Proof:
13858 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
13860 Connector Conspiracy, n.:
13861 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
13862 KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
13863 manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
13864 to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
13865 stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
13868 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
13870 Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
13871 governing that is hard.
13872 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
13874 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
13875 -- William Shakespeare
13877 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
13880 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
13881 when everything else feels great.
13883 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
13884 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
13886 Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
13890 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
13891 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
13892 never admitted to in the first place.
13894 Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
13895 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
13898 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
13899 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
13900 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13902 Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
13903 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
13905 Consider the following axioms carefully:
13906 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
13908 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
13909 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
13910 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
13911 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
13913 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
13914 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
13915 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
13917 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
13918 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
13922 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
13923 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
13924 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
13925 Calculator, Will Travel.
13928 An ordinary man a long way from home.
13931 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
13932 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
13933 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
13934 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
13938 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
13939 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
13941 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
13942 company for a number and then give it back to them.
13945 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
13947 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
13948 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
13949 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
13950 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
13951 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
13952 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
13954 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
13955 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
13957 "Through the Looking-Glass,
13958 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
13960 Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
13961 technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
13963 Convention is the ruler of all.
13966 Conversation enriches the understanding,
13967 but solitude is the school of genius.
13970 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
13971 is called the listener.
13974 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
13977 This person must be fired.
13979 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
13981 -- Raymond Chandler
13984 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
13985 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
13986 interested in reading them.
13989 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
13990 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
13992 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13994 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
13995 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
13998 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
14000 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
14001 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
14005 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
14006 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
14007 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
14010 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
14012 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
14013 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
14014 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
14015 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
14016 being easier to stake.
14018 Counting in binary is just like counting
14019 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
14022 Counting in octal is just like counting
14023 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
14026 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
14028 Courage is grace under pressure.
14030 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
14033 Courage is your greatest present need.
14036 A place where they dispense with justice.
14039 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
14040 -- William Congreve
14043 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
14044 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14046 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
14047 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
14048 -- Wernher von Braun
14050 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
14052 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
14053 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
14054 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
14055 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
14056 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
14057 between adequacy and excellence.
14059 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
14060 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
14061 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
14062 say it was obvious all along.
14063 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
14065 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
14067 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
14068 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
14070 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
14074 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
14076 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
14077 If you are the first to know about something bad,
14078 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
14079 regardless of your formal duties.
14081 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
14085 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
14087 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14089 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
14092 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
14093 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
14096 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
14097 -- Socrates' last words
14100 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
14103 The amount of work done varies inversely
14104 with the time spent in the office.
14106 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
14109 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
14110 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
14111 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
14112 much work has already been done on it.
14114 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
14116 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
14120 Cthulhu for President!
14121 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
14123 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
14125 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
14127 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
14131 One whose program will not run.
14134 Cursor address, n.:
14136 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14138 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
14140 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
14141 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
14142 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
14143 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
14144 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
14145 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
14146 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
14147 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
14148 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
14149 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
14150 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
14151 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
14152 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
14156 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
14157 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
14158 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
14159 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14161 Custer committed Siouxicide.
14163 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
14164 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
14167 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
14171 Cutler Webster's Law:
14172 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
14173 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
14175 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
14176 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
14177 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
14181 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
14182 as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
14183 plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
14184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14190 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
14193 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
14194 several of us died of tuberculosis.
14197 <Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
14200 <``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
14201 it lacks is a decent editor
14204 The city that chose Astroturf to
14205 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
14207 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
14209 Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
14212 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
14214 Damn, I need a Coke!
14215 -- Dr. William DeVries
14216 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
14218 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
14221 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
14223 Dark and lonely on a summer night
14226 The watchdog barkin'
14230 Slip in his window.
14232 Then his house I start to wreck
14237 C-I-L-L my landlord!
14238 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
14240 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
14241 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
14244 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
14245 -- Princess Leia Organa
14247 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
14250 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
14253 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
14254 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
14256 Data is not information;
14257 Information is not knowledge;
14258 Knowledge is not wisdom;
14261 Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
14262 Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
14264 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
14266 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
14267 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
14268 * Hourly motel rates
14269 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
14270 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
14271 like some countries we could mention
14272 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
14273 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
14274 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
14276 David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
14277 remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
14278 a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
14279 second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
14280 speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
14281 communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
14282 instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
14283 underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
14284 ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
14285 and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
14286 [Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
14287 unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
14288 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
14290 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
14291 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
14292 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
14295 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
14298 The time when men of reason go to bed.
14299 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14301 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
14303 %DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
14304 -SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
14307 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
14309 Dealing with failure is easy:
14310 Work hard to improve.
14311 Success is also easy to handle:
14312 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
14314 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
14315 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
14319 How can I choose what groups to post in?
14323 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
14324 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
14325 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
14326 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
14327 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
14328 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
14329 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
14330 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
14332 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14335 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
14336 summarize. What should I do?
14340 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
14341 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
14342 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
14343 summarizing a vote.
14344 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14347 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
14352 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
14353 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
14354 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
14356 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14359 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
14364 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
14365 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
14366 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
14367 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
14368 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
14369 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14372 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
14373 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
14374 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
14375 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
14376 -- A Concerned Citizen
14379 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
14380 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
14381 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
14382 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
14383 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
14385 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
14386 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
14387 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
14388 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
14389 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
14390 they are always interested in good stories.
14393 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
14394 to. How about an example?
14398 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
14399 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
14400 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
14401 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
14402 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
14403 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
14404 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
14405 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
14406 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
14407 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
14408 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
14409 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
14410 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
14411 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
14412 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
14413 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
14414 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
14415 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14418 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
14423 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
14424 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
14426 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
14427 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
14428 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
14429 about the signature anyway.
14430 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14432 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
14436 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
14437 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
14438 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
14439 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
14440 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
14442 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14445 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
14446 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
14447 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
14448 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
14451 I just want *_
\bo_
\bn_
\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
14452 the other hand", again.
14454 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
14458 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
14459 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
14460 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
14463 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
14464 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
14465 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
14466 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
14469 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
14470 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
14471 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
14472 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
14473 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
14474 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
14475 umbrella without seeming insulting?
14478 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
14479 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
14480 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
14481 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
14482 before making your attack.
14484 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
14485 of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
14486 will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
14487 commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
14488 "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
14489 table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
14490 says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
14491 "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
14492 complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
14493 if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
14497 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14499 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
14501 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
14502 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
14503 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
14504 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
14505 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
14506 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
14507 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
14510 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
14515 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
14516 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
14517 posting it. All others please ignore."
14518 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
14519 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
14520 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
14521 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
14522 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
14523 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
14524 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
14525 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
14526 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
14527 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
14528 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
14529 so post it as many places as you can.
14530 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
14532 Death before dishonor.
14533 But neither before breakfast.
14535 Death comes on every passing breeze,
14536 He lurks in every flower;
14537 Each season has its own disease,
14538 Its peril -- every hour.
14541 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
14543 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
14544 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
14547 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
14549 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
14552 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
14554 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
14556 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
14558 Death is only a state of mind.
14560 Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
14562 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
14564 Death to all fanatics!
14567 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
14569 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
14571 Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
14572 and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
14574 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
14577 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
14578 erra, n: A mistake.
14579 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
14580 Linder, n: A female name.
14581 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
14582 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
14583 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
14584 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
14585 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
14586 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
14587 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
14588 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
14590 Decision maker, n.:
14591 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
14592 before the music stopped.
14594 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
14595 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
14596 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
14597 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
14598 (unless struck by a boomerang).
14599 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
14601 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
14602 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
14604 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
14605 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
14608 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
14609 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
14610 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
14611 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
14615 The hardware's, of course.
14618 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
14619 mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
14620 come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
14621 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
14623 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
14626 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
14627 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
14628 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
14629 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
14631 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
14633 Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
14635 Hardware is what you kick;
14636 Software is what you curse.
14638 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
14641 (cond ((null c) () )
14643 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
14645 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
14647 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
14649 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
14650 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
14651 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
14652 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
14653 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
14654 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
14656 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
14657 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
14660 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
14661 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14662 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14663 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14664 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14666 Delay is preferable to error.
14667 -- Thomas Jefferson
14669 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
14670 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
14672 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
14673 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
14675 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
14676 referring to I/O system services.]
14678 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
14679 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
14680 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
14681 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
14682 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
14683 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
14684 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
14685 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
14686 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
14687 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
14689 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
14690 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
14691 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
14693 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
14696 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
14698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14700 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
14702 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
14703 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
14704 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
14705 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
14706 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
14707 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
14708 steroid-free fitness center.
14709 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
14711 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
14712 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
14713 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
14715 Demand the establishment of the government
14716 in its rightful home at Disneyland.
14718 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
14719 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
14721 Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
14722 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
14724 Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
14726 -- George Bernard Shaw
14728 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
14729 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
14732 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
14733 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
14734 -- George Bernard Shaw
14736 Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
14739 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
14740 will get the blame.
14741 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
14743 Democracy is also a form of worship.
14744 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
14747 Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
14748 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
14750 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
14751 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
14753 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
14754 of the people are right more than half of the time.
14757 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
14758 deserve to get it good and hard.
14759 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
14761 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
14762 forms that have been tried from time to time.
14763 -- Winston Churchill
14766 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
14767 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
14768 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
14769 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
14770 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
14771 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
14772 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
14773 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
14777 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
14780 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
14781 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
14782 you don't have to waste your time voting.
14783 -- Charles Bukowski
14785 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
14786 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
14788 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
14789 The remainder is thrown out.
14791 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
14793 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
14794 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
14796 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
14797 windows by Democrats.
14798 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
14800 Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
14801 board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
14803 Dental health is next to mental health.
14806 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
14807 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
14808 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14811 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
14813 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
14815 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
14817 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
14819 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
14820 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
14823 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
14825 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
14826 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
14829 What you regret not doing later on.
14831 Desist from enumerating your fowl
14832 prior to their emergence from the shell.
14834 Despising machines to a man,
14835 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
14836 And ride out by night
14837 In a sheeting of white
14838 To lynch all the robots they can.
14839 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
14841 Despite all appearances, your boss
14842 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
14844 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
14845 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
14847 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
14849 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
14850 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
14851 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
14853 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
14856 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
14857 the one you don't want hits the paper.
14859 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
14860 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
14863 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
14864 Some do, some don't.
14866 Did I say 2? I lied.
14868 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
14869 and slim chance mean the same thing?
14871 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
14872 has already been born?
14875 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
14876 that's how dogs spend their lives.
14879 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
14881 Did you hear about the model who sat
14882 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
14884 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
14885 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
14887 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
14889 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
14894 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
14895 only recaptured 116 of them?
14898 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
14900 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
14903 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
14904 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
14905 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
14907 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
14910 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
14911 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
14912 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
14913 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
14915 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
14917 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
14918 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
14919 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
14920 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
14921 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
14922 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
14924 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
14925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
14927 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
14930 Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
14931 them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
14933 Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
14934 that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
14936 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
14941 Did you know the University of Iowa
14942 closed down after someone stole the book?
14946 That no-one ever reads these things?
14948 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
14949 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
14950 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
14951 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
14954 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
14956 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
14957 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
14958 -- John Barrymore's dying words
14961 To stop sinning suddenly.
14964 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
14965 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
14967 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
14969 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
14971 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
14974 Dignity is like a flag.
14975 It flaps in a storm.
14980 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
14981 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
14982 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
14984 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
14986 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
14987 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
14988 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
14991 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
14993 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
14994 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
14996 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
14997 asked him, after a few days.
14998 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
15000 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
15001 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
15002 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
15004 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
15007 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
15010 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
15016 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
15020 3: Don't get mad, get even.
15021 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
15024 As distinguished from some other bar.
15026 Disc space -- the final frontier!
15028 Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
15029 employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
15030 coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
15031 non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
15032 absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
15033 The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
15034 the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
15035 non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
15037 Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
15042 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
15043 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
15045 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
15047 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
15049 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
15052 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
15055 Disk crisis, please clean up!
15057 Disks travel in packs.
15059 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
15060 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
15062 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
15063 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
15066 A different color or shape than our competitors.
15069 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
15070 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
15072 District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
15073 injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
15074 damage inflicted on the vehicle.
15076 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
15077 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
15078 -- Lord Chesterfield
15080 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
15082 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
15085 Do clones have navels?
15087 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
15090 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
15092 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
15094 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
15096 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
15098 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
15101 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
15102 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
15103 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
15104 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
15105 of them ever committed suicide.
15106 -- Henry David Thoreau
15108 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
15109 Their tastes may not be the same.
15110 -- George Bernard Shaw
15112 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
15114 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
15115 -- Robert A. Heinlein
15117 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
15119 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
15122 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
15123 for they become soggy and hard to light.
15125 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
15126 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
15128 Do not overtax your powers.
15130 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
15131 Violators will be prosecuted.
15132 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
15134 Do not seek death; death will find you.
15135 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
15136 -- Dag Hammarskjold
15138 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
15140 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
15142 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
15144 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
15145 learn to dread each day as it comes.
15148 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
15150 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
15152 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
15154 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
15156 Do not worry about which side your
15157 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
15159 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
15161 Do, or do not; there is no try.
15163 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
15165 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
15167 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
15169 Do unto others before they undo you.
15171 Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
15173 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
15174 -- Aleister Crowley
15176 Do what you can to prolong your life,
15177 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
15179 Do you believe in intuition?
15180 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
15182 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
15183 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
15184 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
15185 Can you see your neck?
15186 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
15187 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
15188 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
15189 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
15192 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
15194 Do you have lysdexia?
15196 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
15198 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
15199 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
15200 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
15201 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
15202 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
15203 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
15207 Do you know Montana?
15209 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
15210 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
15213 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
15214 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
15217 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
15218 between Nixon and the White House.
15219 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
15221 Do you suffer painful elimination?
15222 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
15224 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
15225 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
15227 Do you suffer painful illumination?
15228 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
15230 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
15231 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
15233 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
15235 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
15236 just whipped out a quarter?
15239 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
15240 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
15242 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
15243 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
15244 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
15245 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
15246 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
15247 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
15249 Do your otters do the shimmy?
15250 Do they like to shake their tails?
15251 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
15252 Is your garden full of snails?
15254 Do your part to help preserve life on
15255 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
15257 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
15258 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
15259 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
15262 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
15265 Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
15266 when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
15269 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
15270 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
15272 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
15273 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
15274 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
15275 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
15276 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
15278 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
15280 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
15282 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
15283 and the rest of us.
15285 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
15287 Doing gets it done.
15290 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
15292 W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
15293 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
15294 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
15295 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
15296 W. C.: It's almost impossible.
15297 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
15298 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
15300 Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15302 Don't abandon hope.
15303 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
15305 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
15308 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
15309 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
15310 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
15311 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
15313 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
15316 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15318 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
15320 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
15322 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
15324 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
15326 Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
15329 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
15331 Don't confuse things that need action
15332 with those that take care of themselves.
15334 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
15336 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
15337 -- The Firesign Theatre
15339 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
15341 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
15344 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
15345 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
15347 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
15349 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
15350 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
15352 Don't eat yellow snow.
15354 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
15356 Don't everyone thank me at once!
15359 Don't expect people to keep in step--
15360 it's hard enough just staying in line.
15362 Don't feed the bats tonight.
15364 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
15367 Don't get even, get odd.
15369 Don't get mad, get even.
15370 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
15372 Don't get even, get jewelry.
15375 Don't get mad, get interest.
15377 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
15379 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
15380 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
15383 Don't get to bragging.
15385 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
15386 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
15389 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
15391 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
15394 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
15396 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
15398 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
15400 Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
15402 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
15406 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
15408 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
15409 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
15411 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
15413 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
15415 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
15417 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
15418 Probably soon after she throws me out.
15420 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
15421 until you have hold of something else.
15422 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
15424 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
15425 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
15426 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
15427 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15428 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
15429 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
15430 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
15432 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
15434 Don't let your status become too quo!
15436 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
15438 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
15440 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
15446 Your brains are in it.
15449 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
15451 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
15452 -- Scottish proverb
15454 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
15456 Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
15457 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
15459 Don't plan any hasty moves.
15460 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
15462 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
15463 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
15465 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
15466 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15468 Don't quit now, we might just as well
15469 lock the door and throw away the key.
15471 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
15473 Don't read everything you believe.
15475 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
15477 Don't remember what you can infer.
15480 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
15481 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
15483 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
15485 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
15486 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
15488 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
15490 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
15492 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
15494 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
15498 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
15500 Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
15503 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
15506 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
15507 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
15509 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
15511 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
15514 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
15515 sodomy and the lash.
15516 -- Winston Churchill
15518 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
15520 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
15523 Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
15526 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
15527 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
15528 -- Watchman Examiner
15530 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
15532 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
15535 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
15536 with my breakfast cereal.
15537 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
15539 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
15541 Don't wake me up too soon...
15542 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
15545 Don't worry. Life's too long.
15546 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
15548 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
15550 Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
15552 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
15554 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
15555 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
15558 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
15559 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
15562 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
15565 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
15566 you can always take something for it.
15568 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
15569 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
15571 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
15573 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
15575 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
15576 want to help you could agree with each other?
15578 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
15580 Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
15581 Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
15582 awful lot of talking, don't they?
15583 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
15587 Double Bucky, you're the one,
15588 You make my keyboard so much fun,
15589 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
15590 Control and meta, side by side,
15591 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
15592 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
15594 Oh, I sure wish that I,
15595 Had a couple of bits more!
15596 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
15598 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
15599 OR'd together, outta sight!
15600 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
15601 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
15602 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
15603 -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
15604 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
15605 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
15607 Double-blind Experiment, n.:
15608 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
15609 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
15610 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
15612 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
15615 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
15616 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
15618 Down to the Banana Republics,
15619 Down to the tropical sun.
15620 Go the expatriated Americans,
15621 Hoping to find some fun.
15622 Some of them go for the sailing,
15623 Caught by the lure of the sea.
15624 Trying to find what is ailing,
15625 Living in the land of the free.
15626 Some of them are running from lovers,
15627 Leaving no forward address.
15628 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
15629 Some are running from the IRS.
15630 Late at night you will find them,
15631 In the cheap hotels and bars.
15632 Hustling the senoritas,
15633 While they dance beneath the stars.
15634 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
15636 Down with the categorical imperative!
15639 In a hierarchical organization,
15640 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
15642 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
15643 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
15644 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
15645 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
15647 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
15649 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
15651 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
15652 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
15653 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
15654 luxury that you never feel hungry.
15656 Here's how the diet works:
15659 First Month: One egg
15660 Second Month: A raisin
15661 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
15663 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
15664 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
15666 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
15669 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
15671 Drakenberg's Discovery:
15672 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
15673 it's probably because you don't have them on.
15675 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
15677 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
15679 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
15681 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
15682 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
15683 lands directly in front of your eyes.
15685 Drilling for oil is boring.
15687 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
15688 Love, the reeling midnight through
15689 For tomorrow we shall die!
15690 (But, alas, we never do.)
15691 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
15693 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_
\bi_
\bs* fun trying.
15695 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
15696 instant motor skills.
15699 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
15702 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
15703 with, that it's compounding a felony.
15706 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
15707 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
15708 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
15710 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
15712 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
15713 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
15714 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
15717 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
15718 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
15719 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
15720 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
15721 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
15726 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
15729 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
15733 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
15736 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
15738 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
15743 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
15744 yourself as part of the problem.
15746 Ducharme's Precept:
15747 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
15751 Ducks? What ducks??
15753 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
15754 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
15757 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
15758 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
15760 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
15761 fate and captain of your soul.
15763 Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
15766 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
15768 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
15769 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
15770 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
15771 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
15774 During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
15775 times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
15777 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
15779 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
15780 perform as president?"
15781 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
15784 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
15785 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
15786 and fly your colors proudly.
15788 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
15789 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
15790 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
15793 What one expects from others.
15796 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
15797 nothing whatever to do with it.
15798 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
15800 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
15801 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
15803 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
15810 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
15812 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
15815 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
15816 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
15817 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
15818 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
15819 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
15820 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
15821 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
15822 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
15823 in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
15824 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
15825 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
15826 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
15827 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
15828 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
15829 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
15830 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
15832 Each of us bears his own Hell.
15833 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
15835 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
15836 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
15837 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
15838 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
15840 Each person has the right to take the subway.
15843 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
15844 months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
15845 an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
15849 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
15850 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
15852 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
15856 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
15857 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
15858 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
15860 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
15862 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
15863 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
15864 21st century aircraft:
15866 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
15867 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
15868 pilot if he touches anything.
15869 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
15871 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
15872 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
15874 Early to rise and early to bed makes
15875 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
15878 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
15880 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
15882 /earth: file system full.
15884 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
15886 Earth is a beta site.
15888 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
15891 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
15892 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
15893 cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
15894 the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
15895 means the puzzle is solved.
15896 -- Steve Rubenstein
15898 Easy come and easy go,
15899 some call me easy money,
15900 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
15901 and sometimes it ain't funny
15902 You may think that I'm a fool
15903 and sometimes that is true,
15904 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
15905 with or without you.
15908 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
15909 -- Harry Secombe's diet
15911 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
15913 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
15915 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
15917 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
15919 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
15920 will happen to you the rest of the day.
15922 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
15924 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
15926 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
15928 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
15930 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
15931 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
15934 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
15935 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15937 Economies of scale:
15938 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
15939 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
15940 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
15941 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
15942 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
15946 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
15947 personality to become an accountant.
15949 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
15950 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
15953 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
15954 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
15955 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
15957 Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
15960 Editing is a rewording activity.
15962 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
15963 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
15964 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
15966 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
15967 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
15968 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
15970 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
15971 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
15973 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
15976 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
15979 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
15980 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
15981 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
15982 royal-blue chickens.
15983 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
15985 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
15986 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
15988 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
15989 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
15991 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
15992 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
15993 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
15994 the "nog" comes from.
15996 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
15999 Ego sum ens omnipotens
16001 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
16002 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
16005 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
16008 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
16011 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
16012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
16014 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
16016 Ehrman's Commentary:
16017 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
16018 (2) Who said things would get better?
16020 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
16021 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
16024 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
16025 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
16027 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
16029 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
16030 -- Groucho Marx' last words
16033 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
16034 armrest in a movie theatre.
16035 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
16038 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
16040 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
16041 make the machine do some more.
16044 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16045 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16048 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
16050 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
16054 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
16055 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
16056 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16057 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
16061 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
16062 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
16063 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
16065 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
16067 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
16068 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
16069 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
16070 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
16071 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
16072 the faint of heart.
16073 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
16074 Cut into squares and enjoy!
16077 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
16078 children under eight years of age.
16080 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
16083 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
16085 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
16089 A mouse built to government specifications.
16091 Elevators smell different to midgets.
16093 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
16094 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
16095 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
16096 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
16097 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
16098 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
16099 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
16100 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
16102 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
16103 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
16104 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
16105 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
16106 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
16108 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
16111 The feel of a kiss.
16113 Eloquence is logic on fire.
16115 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
16116 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
16119 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
16121 Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
16122 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
16123 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
16126 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
16127 Son knows everything.
16129 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
16130 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
16131 and tell them your house is being burgled.
16132 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
16134 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
16135 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
16136 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
16138 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
16140 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
16141 And here, find rest.
16143 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
16144 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
16145 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
16146 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
16148 Engineering: "How will this work?"
16149 Science: "Why will this work?"
16150 Management: "When will this work?"
16151 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
16153 English literature's performing flea.
16154 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
16157 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
16158 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
16159 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
16160 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
16161 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
16162 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
16163 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
16164 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
16165 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
16166 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
16168 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
16169 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
16172 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
16174 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
16176 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
16179 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
16180 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
16182 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
16184 Entropy requires no maintenance.
16187 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
16191 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
16192 instead of having to try and acquire one.
16194 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
16195 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
16199 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
16200 something his wife can beat him at.
16202 Equal bytes for women.
16204 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
16205 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
16207 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
16208 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
16210 Error in operator: add beer
16212 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
16213 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
16214 Und aller-m"
\bumsige Burggoven
16215 Dir mohmen R"
\bath ausgraben.
16217 "Through the Looking-Glass,
16218 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
16220 Eschew obfuscation.
16222 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
16223 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
16225 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
16227 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
16230 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
16233 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
16234 fashion for those with no taste.
16237 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
16238 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
16239 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
16240 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
16244 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
16245 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
16246 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
16248 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
16249 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
16250 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
16251 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
16252 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
16253 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
16254 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
16255 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
16256 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
16257 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
16258 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
16260 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
16265 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
16267 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
16269 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
16271 Even a man who is pure at heart,
16272 And says his prayers at night
16273 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
16274 And the moon is full and bright.
16275 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
16277 Even God cannot change the past.
16280 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
16283 Even if you do learn to speak correct
16284 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
16287 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
16290 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
16293 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
16294 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
16295 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
16296 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
16297 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
16298 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
16299 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
16300 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
16301 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
16302 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
16303 A fairer summer and a later fall
16304 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
16305 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
16306 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
16307 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
16308 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
16310 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
16312 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
16313 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
16315 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
16316 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
16319 Events are not affected, they develop.
16322 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
16324 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
16325 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
16327 Ever get the feeling that the world's
16328 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
16331 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
16332 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
16334 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
16335 Simple coincidence?
16338 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16339 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
16340 We're big but bigger we will be,
16341 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
16343 Our products now are known in every zone.
16344 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
16345 We've fought our way thru
16346 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
16347 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16348 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16350 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
16351 We're bound for the top to never fall,
16352 Right here and now we thankfully
16353 Pledge sincerest loyalty
16354 To the corporation that's the best of all
16355 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
16356 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
16357 So let us sing men -- Sing men
16358 Once or twice, then sing again
16359 For the Ever Onward IBM!
16360 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
16362 Ever since I was a young boy,
16363 I've hacked the ARPA net,
16364 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
16365 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
16366 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
16367 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
16368 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
16369 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
16370 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16371 Sure sends a mean packet.
16372 He's a UNIX wizard,
16373 There has to be a twist.
16374 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
16375 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
16376 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
16377 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
16378 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
16379 The proper bit flags set,
16380 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
16381 Sure sends a mean packet.
16384 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
16385 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
16386 All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
16387 spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
16388 Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
16389 take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
16390 My wife is available. No. How about ..."
16391 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
16393 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
16395 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
16397 Because newspapers are read too.
16398 Two and Two is four.
16399 Four and four is eight.
16400 Eight and four is twelve.
16401 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
16402 Queen Mary was a ruler.
16403 Queen Mary was a ship.
16404 Ships sail the sea.
16405 There are fishes in the sea.
16407 The Fins fought the Russians.
16409 Fire engines are always rush'n.
16410 Therefore fire engines are red.
16412 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
16413 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
16414 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
16415 computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
16416 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
16417 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
16418 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
16419 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
16420 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
16421 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
16422 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
16423 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
16424 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
16425 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
16426 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
16428 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
16429 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
16431 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
16435 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
16437 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
16438 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
16440 Every cloud has a silver lining;
16441 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
16443 Every country has the government it deserves.
16444 -- Joseph De Maistre
16446 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
16448 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
16450 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
16453 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
16455 Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
16456 woman and stop her.
16458 Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
16459 idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
16460 sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
16461 of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
16462 highly-motivated, caustic twits.
16463 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
16465 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
16466 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
16467 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
16468 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
16469 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
16470 of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
16471 humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
16472 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
16474 Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
16476 Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
16477 front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
16478 odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
16479 and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
16480 legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
16481 there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
16482 of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
16483 color"], that does not exist.
16485 Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
16486 -- Frank Moore Colby
16488 Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
16490 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
16493 Every love's the love before
16495 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
16497 Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
16499 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
16500 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
16501 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
16502 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
16503 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
16504 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
16505 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
16506 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
16507 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
16508 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
16509 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
16511 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
16512 -- Miguel de Cervantes
16514 Every man takes the limits of his own field
16515 of vision for the limits of the world.
16518 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
16519 and powerful know that he is.
16520 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
16522 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
16523 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
16524 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
16525 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
16526 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
16527 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
16528 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
16530 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
16531 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
16534 Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
16535 richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
16538 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
16539 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
16540 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
16541 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
16542 up, you'd better be running.
16544 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
16546 Every night my prayers I say,
16547 And get my dinner every day;
16548 And every day that I've been good,
16549 I get an orange after food.
16550 The child that is not clean and neat,
16551 With lots of toys and things to eat,
16552 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
16553 Or else his dear papa is poor.
16554 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
16556 Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
16558 It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
16560 Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
16561 start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
16562 then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
16563 music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
16564 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
16566 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
16567 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
16570 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
16571 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
16572 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
16573 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
16575 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
16576 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
16577 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
16580 Every path has its puddle.
16582 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
16583 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
16584 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
16586 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
16587 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
16588 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
16590 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
16591 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
16593 Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
16595 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
16597 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
16598 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
16600 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
16601 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
16604 Every solution breeds new problems.
16606 Every successful person has had failures
16607 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
16609 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
16612 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
16614 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
16616 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
16618 Every time you manage to close the door on
16619 Reality, it comes in through the window.
16621 Every why hath a wherefore.
16622 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
16624 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
16627 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
16631 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
16632 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
16633 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
16634 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
16635 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
16636 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
16637 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
16638 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
16639 you're fired. As of right now."
16640 Sam signed the papers immediately.
16641 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
16642 couldn't have signed earlier?"
16643 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
16646 Everybody has something to conceal.
16649 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
16650 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
16652 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
16653 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
16655 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
16656 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
16657 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
16658 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
16660 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
16661 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
16664 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
16665 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
16667 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
16668 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
16669 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
16670 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
16672 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
16673 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
16674 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
16675 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
16676 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
16678 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
16681 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
16682 stop hacking and fall in love!
16684 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
16686 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
16687 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
16689 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
16691 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
16693 Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
16696 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
16698 Everyone is in the best seat.
16701 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
16704 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
16705 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
16706 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
16707 wholly unconcerned with what _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
16708 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
16709 discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
16710 problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
16711 mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
16712 one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
16714 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
16716 Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _
\bd_
\bo_
\be_
\bs anything about it.
16718 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
16722 Everyone was born right-handed.
16723 Only the greatest overcome it.
16725 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
16726 1. They want it quick.
16727 2. They want it good.
16728 3. They want it cheap.
16729 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
16730 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
16732 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
16734 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
16736 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
16738 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
16740 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
16741 -- Alexander Woollcott
16743 Everything in this book may be wrong.
16744 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
16746 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
16747 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
16749 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
16750 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
16752 Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
16753 that a belch is more satisfying.
16756 Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
16757 something you know.
16758 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
16759 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
16761 Everything might be different in the present
16762 if only one thing had been different in the past.
16764 Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
16765 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
16767 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
16769 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
16772 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
16775 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
16776 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
16778 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
16780 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
16782 Everything you know is wrong!
16784 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
16785 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
16788 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
16789 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
16790 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
16791 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
16793 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
16795 Everything's great in this good old world;
16796 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
16797 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
16798 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
16799 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
16800 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
16801 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
16802 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
16803 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
16805 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
16806 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
16807 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
16808 -- Flannery O'Connor
16810 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
16811 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
16812 Everyone is looking for the answer,
16814 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
16816 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
16817 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
16820 Evolution is a million line computer
16821 program falling into place by accident.
16823 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
16824 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
16825 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
16826 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
16827 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
16828 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
16829 respect to theories about how the process operates.
16830 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
16832 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
16833 even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
16836 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
16837 It is the only thing.
16838 -- Albert Schweitzer
16840 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
16841 Spike the office water cooler.
16843 Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
16845 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
16847 Excellent time to become a missing person.
16849 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
16852 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
16853 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
16855 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
16856 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
16858 Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
16861 - none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
16862 screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
16863 comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
16865 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
16866 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
16867 -- W. Somerset Maugham
16869 Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
16871 Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
16873 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
16876 Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
16880 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
16882 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
16884 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
16885 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
16887 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
16889 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
16891 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
16893 Expedience is the best teacher.
16895 Expense accounts, n.:
16896 Corporate food stamps.
16898 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
16899 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
16901 Experience is not what happens to you;
16902 it is what you do with what happens to you.
16905 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
16906 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
16909 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
16910 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
16912 Experience is what causes a person
16913 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
16915 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
16917 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
16918 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
16919 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
16921 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
16924 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
16928 Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
16930 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
16932 To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
16933 cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
16934 corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
16935 address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
16936 to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
16937 left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
16938 below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
16939 computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
16940 SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
16941 (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
16942 Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
16943 disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
16944 this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
16945 completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
16947 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
16948 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
16949 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
16950 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
16951 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
16952 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
16953 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
16954 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
16955 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
16956 offer more plausible alternatives.
16957 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
16958 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
16960 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
16961 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
16963 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
16964 of justice is no virtue.
16967 F: When into a room I plunge, I
16968 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
16969 Then I linger, darkly brooding
16970 On the poison they're exuding.
16971 -- The Roguelet's ABC
16973 F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
16974 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
16976 "Yes. They have more money."
16978 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
16980 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
16982 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
16984 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
16986 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
16988 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
16991 Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
16993 Facts are the enemy of truth.
16996 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
16999 Failed Attempts To Break Records
17000 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
17001 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
17002 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
17003 doesn't even shout at me."
17004 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
17005 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
17006 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
17007 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
17008 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
17009 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
17010 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
17011 drone got waterlogged," he said.
17012 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
17013 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
17014 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
17015 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
17017 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
17019 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
17020 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
17023 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
17025 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
17027 Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
17028 ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
17029 the doubt that moved all the mountains.
17030 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
17032 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
17033 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
17035 Faith is under the left nipple.
17039 That quality which enables us to
17040 believe what we know to be untrue.
17043 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
17044 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
17045 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
17048 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
17049 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
17050 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
17051 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
17052 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
17053 good idea to check with your doctor.
17056 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
17057 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
17059 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
17061 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
17063 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
17064 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
17067 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
17068 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
17071 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
17073 Familiarity breeds attempt.
17075 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
17078 Families, when a child is born
17079 Want it to be intelligent.
17080 I, through intelligence,
17081 Having wrecked my whole life,
17082 Only hope the baby will prove
17083 Ignorant and stupid.
17084 Then he will crown a tranquil life
17085 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
17089 Conspicuously miserable.
17090 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
17095 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
17096 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
17097 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
17098 4: We won't need reservations.
17099 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
17100 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
17101 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
17102 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
17104 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
17105 forgotten your aim.
17106 -- George Santayana
17108 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
17109 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
17111 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
17112 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
17113 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
17114 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
17115 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
17116 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
17117 was the Empire forged.
17118 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17120 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
17122 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
17123 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
17124 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
17125 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
17126 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
17127 are a pretty neat idea ...
17128 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
17130 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
17131 stressful than divorce.
17132 -- Wall Street Journal
17134 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
17135 it every six months.
17138 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
17141 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
17143 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
17146 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
17149 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
17151 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
17153 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
17154 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
17156 Fats Loves Madelyn.
17158 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
17159 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
17160 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
17163 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
17165 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
17166 -- Hunter S. Thompson
17168 Fear is the greatest salesman.
17172 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
17173 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
17174 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
17175 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
17176 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
17178 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
17179 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
17182 Feel disillusioned?
17183 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
17185 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
17188 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
17189 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
17190 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
17191 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
17192 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
17193 A singular development of cat communications
17194 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
17195 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
17196 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
17197 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
17198 And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
17199 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
17200 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
17201 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
17202 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
17203 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
17204 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
17206 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
17207 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
17208 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
17209 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
17210 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
17211 yours to the bottom of the list.
17213 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
17214 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
17215 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
17216 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
17217 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
17218 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
17219 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
17221 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
17224 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
17227 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
17228 of car fenders during snowstorms.
17229 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17231 Ferguson's Precept:
17232 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
17234 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
17235 didn't have any children, neither will you.
17237 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
17238 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
17239 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
17240 basic difference between robots and humans?
17241 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
17242 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
17243 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
17245 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
17249 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
17251 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
17252 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17253 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
17254 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
17255 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
17257 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
17258 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
17260 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
17262 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
17263 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
17264 there is nothing important to do.
17266 Fifty flippant frogs
17267 Walked by on flippered feet
17268 And with their slime they made the time
17271 Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
17275 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
17278 Throwing your wait around.
17280 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
17281 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
17284 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
17286 Finagle's Eighth Law:
17287 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
17289 Finagle's Ninth Law:
17290 No matter what results are expected,
17291 someone is always willing to fake it.
17293 Finagle's Tenth Law:
17294 No matter what the result someone
17295 is always eager to misinterpret it.
17297 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
17298 No matter what occurs, someone believes
17299 it happened according to his pet theory.
17301 Finagle's First Law:
17302 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
17304 Finagle's Second Law:
17305 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
17307 Finagle's Fourth Law:
17308 Once a job is fouled up,
17309 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
17311 Finagle's Fifth Law:
17312 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
17314 Finagle's Sixth Law:
17315 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
17317 Finagle's Second Law:
17318 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
17319 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
17320 (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
17322 Finagle's Seventh Law:
17323 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
17325 Finagle's Third Law:
17326 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
17327 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
17330 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
17331 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
17332 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
17335 Perfection is finality.
17336 Nothing is perfect.
17337 There are lumps in it.
17339 Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
17341 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
17343 Fine day for friends.
17346 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
17348 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
17351 Functionality breeds Contempt.
17353 Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
17355 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
17357 Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
17360 Baffled Greek, Michigan
17363 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17365 First, a few words about tools.
17367 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
17368 the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
17369 injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
17370 you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
17371 particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
17372 granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
17373 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
17375 First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
17376 Machines that piss people off get murdered.
17379 First Law of Bicycling:
17380 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
17382 First law of debate:
17383 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
17385 First Law of Procrastination:
17386 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
17387 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
17388 imposed the deadline).
17390 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
17391 Celibacy is not hereditary.
17393 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
17394 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
17395 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
17397 First Rule of History:
17398 History doesn't repeat itself --
17399 historians merely repeat each other.
17401 First rule of public speaking.
17402 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
17404 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
17406 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
17407 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
17409 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
17410 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
17411 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
17412 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
17413 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
17414 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
17415 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
17416 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
17417 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
17418 another phone booth.
17419 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
17420 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
17421 released it, too, in the scrub.
17422 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
17423 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
17424 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
17425 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
17426 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
17428 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
17430 First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
17431 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
17433 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
17434 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
17435 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
17436 trees to prove their manhood.
17440 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
17441 promoted managers are kept for observation.
17443 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
17446 Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
17449 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
17452 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
17453 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
17454 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
17455 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
17456 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
17457 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
17458 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17459 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
17460 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
17461 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
17462 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
17463 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
17464 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
17465 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
17466 Yes, and goin' insane,
17467 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
17468 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
17470 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
17472 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
17473 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
17474 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
17475 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
17476 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
17477 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
17478 Irish Political History".
17480 Five rules for eternal misery:
17481 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
17482 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
17483 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
17484 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
17485 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
17486 how much better things might have been or how much worse
17487 things might become).
17488 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
17489 follow the first four rules.
17495 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
17496 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
17498 Flappity, floppity, flip
17499 The mouse on the m"
\bobius strip;
17500 The strip revolved,
17501 The mouse dissolved
17502 In a chronodimensional skip.
17505 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
17506 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
17508 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
17511 Flattery will get you everywhere.
17513 Flee at once, all is discovered.
17515 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
17519 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
17520 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
17522 Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
17523 husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
17526 "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
17527 a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
17529 "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
17530 in my burette ... We must call a copper."
17532 Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
17533 said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
17536 "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
17537 dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
17538 catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
17539 activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
17540 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
17542 Flowchart, n. & v.:
17543 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
17544 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
17545 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
17546 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
17547 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
17548 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
17549 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
17550 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
17551 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
17552 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
17553 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
17554 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
17557 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
17558 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
17560 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
17562 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
17563 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
17565 Flying saucers on occasion
17566 Show themselves to human eyes.
17567 Aliens fume, put off invasion
17568 While they brand these tales as lies.
17571 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
17572 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
17573 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
17575 Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
17576 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
17577 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
17578 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
17580 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
17581 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
17583 Foolproof Operation:
17584 No provision for adjustment.
17586 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
17588 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
17589 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
17591 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
17592 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
17593 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
17595 Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
17598 For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
17600 For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
17602 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
17604 For a light heart lives long.
17605 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
17607 For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
17610 For adult education nothing beats children.
17612 For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
17613 women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
17614 religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
17615 The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
17616 known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
17617 prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
17618 misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
17619 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
17621 For an adequate time call 555-3321.
17623 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
17624 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
17626 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
17629 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
17631 For courage mounteth with occasion.
17632 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
17634 For every bloke who makes his mark,
17635 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
17638 For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
17642 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
17645 For every human problem, there is a neat,
17646 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
17649 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
17650 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
17651 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
17652 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
17653 when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
17654 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
17655 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
17656 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
17658 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
17660 For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
17664 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
17673 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
17675 For good, return good.
17676 For evil, return justice.
17678 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
17679 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
17681 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
17682 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
17683 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
17685 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
17686 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
17687 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
17688 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
17689 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
17690 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
17691 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
17694 For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
17696 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
17697 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
17700 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
17701 get themselves filed.
17704 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
17705 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
17708 For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
17709 life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
17710 now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
17711 when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
17712 in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
17713 the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
17714 means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
17715 advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
17716 the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
17717 names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
17718 ("part of this complete breakfast").
17719 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
17721 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
17722 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
17723 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
17724 and bad music may be put on record forever.
17725 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
17727 For people who like that kind of book,
17728 that is the kind of book they will like.
17730 For perfect happiness, remember two things:
17731 (1) Be content with what you've got.
17732 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
17735 Parachute. Used once.
17736 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
17738 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
17739 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
17740 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
17742 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
17744 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
17745 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
17746 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
17749 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
17750 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
17752 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
17754 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
17755 referring to system overview.]
17758 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
17759 This gives me great hope for the human race.
17762 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
17764 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
17765 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
17767 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
17768 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
17769 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
17771 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
17772 referring to powerfail recovery.]
17774 For they starve the frightened little child
17775 Till it weeps both night and day:
17776 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
17777 And gibe the old and grey,
17778 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
17779 And none a word may say.
17781 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
17782 Is a foul and dark latrine,
17783 And the fetid breath of living Death
17784 Chokes up each grated screen,
17785 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
17786 In Humanity's machine.
17788 And all men kill the thing they love,
17789 By all let this be heard,
17790 Some do it with a bitter look,
17791 Some with a flattering word,
17792 The coward does it with a kiss,
17793 The brave man with a sword.
17796 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
17797 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
17798 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
17799 spend my evenings?"
17802 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
17803 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
17804 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
17807 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
17808 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
17810 8 oz. shredded suet
17812 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
17814 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
17815 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
17816 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
17817 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
17818 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
17819 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
17820 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
17821 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
17822 four to five hours.
17824 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
17827 For three days after death hair and fingernails
17828 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
17831 For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
17832 a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
17833 Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
17835 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
17837 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
17838 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
17839 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
17840 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
17841 -- Justin Richardson
17843 For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
17845 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
17848 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
17849 "That definition's just."
17850 The boy said naught but thought instead,
17851 Remembering his pounded head:
17852 "Force is not might but must!"
17855 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
17856 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
17858 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
17861 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
17862 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
17864 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
17867 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
17868 their destitution of conscience.
17870 Forgive and forget.
17874 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
17875 -- George Bernard Shaw
17877 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
17878 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
17881 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
17884 Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
17886 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
17890 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
17891 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
17893 [What's good about it? Ed.]
17895 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
17896 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
17899 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
17902 FORTRAN rots the brain.
17905 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
17906 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
17907 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
17908 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
17910 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
17911 probably for at least the next decade.
17914 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
17916 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
17917 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
17918 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
17919 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
17920 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
17921 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
17922 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
17923 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
17924 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
17927 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
17930 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
17932 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
17933 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
17934 my dissertation to rhyme.
17936 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
17939 A: No, He's a mythter.
17941 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
17943 fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
17945 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
17948 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
17949 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
17950 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
17953 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
17954 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
17955 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
17956 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
17960 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
17961 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
17964 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
17967 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
17968 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
17970 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
17971 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
17972 she will get on with her life.
17973 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
17974 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
17975 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
17976 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
17977 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
17978 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
17979 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
17980 these classes rarely prove effective.
17982 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
17985 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
17986 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
17987 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
17990 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
17991 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
17992 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
17993 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
17994 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
17995 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
17996 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
17997 jerk, I guess you're OK."
17999 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
18002 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
18003 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
18004 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
18005 grabbing the cherry in the center.
18008 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
18009 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
18010 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
18011 fixed without special tools".
18012 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
18013 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
18014 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
18017 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
18020 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
18021 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
18024 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
18025 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
18026 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
18027 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
18028 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
18029 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
18030 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
18032 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
18035 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
18036 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
18037 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
18038 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
18039 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
18040 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
18041 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
18042 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
18046 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
18047 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
18048 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
18049 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
18050 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
18051 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
18052 price their policies accordingly.
18053 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
18054 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
18057 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
18060 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
18061 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
18062 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
18063 would not be able to identify most of these items.
18066 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
18067 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
18068 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
18069 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
18070 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
18071 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
18073 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
18076 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
18077 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
18078 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
18079 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
18082 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
18083 looking, men kick cats.
18086 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
18087 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
18088 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
18089 aware of some short people living in the house.
18091 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
18094 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
18095 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
18096 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
18097 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
18098 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
18099 the laundromat. This is a myth.
18102 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
18103 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
18104 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
18105 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
18108 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
18109 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
18110 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
18112 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
18115 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
18116 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
18117 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
18118 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
18119 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
18120 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
18122 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
18125 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
18126 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
18127 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
18128 Boardwalk property.
18130 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
18132 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
18134 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
18135 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
18136 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
18137 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
18138 With Julie Christie.
18140 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
18142 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
18143 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
18144 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
18147 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
18150 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
18151 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
18152 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
18153 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
18154 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
18156 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
18158 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
18159 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
18160 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
18161 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
18162 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
18163 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
18164 a glowing performance.
18166 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
18168 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
18169 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
18170 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
18171 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
18173 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
18175 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
18176 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
18177 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
18178 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
18179 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
18182 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
18184 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
18185 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
18186 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
18187 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
18189 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
18190 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
18191 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
18192 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
18193 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
18195 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
18197 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
18199 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
18200 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
18201 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
18203 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18205 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
18206 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
18207 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
18208 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
18209 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
18210 as that in support of an affirmative.
18211 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
18213 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18215 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
18216 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
18217 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
18220 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
18222 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
18223 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
18224 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
18225 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
18226 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
18227 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
18228 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
18230 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
18232 Skilled oral communicator:
18233 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
18234 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
18236 Skilled written communicator:
18237 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
18238 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
18241 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
18242 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
18243 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
18245 Key company figure:
18246 Serves as the perfect counter example.
18248 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
18251 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
18252 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
18254 An excellent sounding board:
18255 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
18256 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
18258 A planner and organizer:
18259 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
18260 animal tags on his clothing.
18262 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
18264 Has management potential:
18265 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
18266 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
18270 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
18274 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
18278 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
18281 Fortune favors the lucky.
18283 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
18285 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
18287 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
18289 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
18290 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
18291 Cowboy cheerleaders.
18293 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
18295 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
18296 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
18297 Juliet, this bud's for you.
18299 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
18301 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
18304 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
18306 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
18309 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
18311 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
18313 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
18315 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
18316 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
18318 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
18320 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
18322 fortune: No such file or directory
18327 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
18329 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
18330 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
18331 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
18332 renkontas. I've met.
18333 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
18334 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
18335 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
18336 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
18339 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
18341 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
18342 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
18343 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
18344 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
18345 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
18346 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
18349 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
18351 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
18353 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
18354 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
18355 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
18356 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
18357 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
18359 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
18361 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
18362 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
18363 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
18364 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
18366 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
18368 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
18369 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
18371 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
18373 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
18374 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
18376 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
18378 A: To be or not to be.
18379 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
18381 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
18383 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
18384 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
18386 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
18388 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
18389 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
18391 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
18393 A: Go west, young man, go west!
18394 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
18396 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
18398 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
18399 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
18401 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
18403 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
18404 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
18406 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
18408 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
18409 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
18411 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
18415 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
18416 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
18417 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
18418 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
18420 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
18421 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18422 make "heads or tails of all this"
18425 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
18426 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
18428 Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
18429 sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
18431 Oh, and have a nice day!
18432 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
18434 Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
18436 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
18437 "Hey you, get off my plate"
18440 Fortune's current rates:
18444 Answers requiring thought .50
18445 Correct answers $1.00
18447 Dumb looks are still free.
18449 Fortune's diet truths:
18450 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
18451 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
18452 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
18453 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
18454 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
18455 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
18456 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
18457 appealing as tepid beer.
18458 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
18459 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
18460 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
18462 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
18463 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
18464 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
18465 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
18468 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
18470 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
18471 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
18472 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
18473 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
18474 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
18475 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
18476 you twitter around in your chair.
18477 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
18478 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
18479 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
18480 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
18481 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
18482 followed by one throw-up.
18483 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
18485 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
18488 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
18489 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
18490 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
18491 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
18492 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
18494 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
18495 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
18496 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
18497 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
18498 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
18499 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
18500 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
18501 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
18502 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
18503 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
18504 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
18505 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
18506 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
18507 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
18508 poothtick comes out crean.
18510 Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
18511 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
18513 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
18514 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
18515 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
18516 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
18517 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
18518 rather than a spotted one.
18519 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
18520 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
18521 legume-part of the pea family.
18522 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
18524 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
18525 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
18526 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
18528 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
18529 Can you name the seven seas?
18530 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
18531 North Pacific, South Pacific.
18532 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
18533 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
18535 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
18536 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
18538 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
18540 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
18541 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
18542 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
18544 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
18545 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
18546 at least once a year.
18548 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
18550 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
18551 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
18553 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
18554 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
18555 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
18556 ability in that particular field."
18558 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
18560 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
18561 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
18563 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
18564 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
18566 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
18567 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
18568 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
18569 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
18571 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
18573 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
18574 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
18576 Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
18578 Don't Write On Walls!
18582 You want I should type?
18584 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
18587 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
18588 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
18590 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
18592 if reality disappears?
18593 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
18594 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
18596 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
18597 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
18598 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
18599 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
18600 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
18601 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
18602 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
18603 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
18605 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
18607 if you get a phone call from Mars:
18608 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
18609 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
18610 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
18612 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
18613 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
18614 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
18615 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
18618 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
18619 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
18620 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
18621 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
18622 charges may have been reversed.
18624 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
18626 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
18627 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
18628 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
18629 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
18630 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
18631 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
18632 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
18634 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
18635 closet contains an alternate dimension?
18636 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
18637 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
18638 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
18639 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
18640 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
18642 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
18644 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
18646 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
18647 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
18648 combination of beauty and power. Few have
18649 excelled him in the use of the English language,
18650 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
18651 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
18652 single poem ever written."
18654 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
18655 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
18656 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
18657 bungling and greed of President
18660 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
18661 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
18663 Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
18664 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
18665 State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
18666 with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
18667 weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
18668 apply to female horses.
18670 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
18671 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
18672 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
18673 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
18674 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
18676 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
18677 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
18678 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
18679 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
18680 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
18681 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
18683 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
18684 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
18686 Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
18688 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
18690 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
18692 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
18693 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
18694 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
18695 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
18697 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
18699 Q: Are you married?
18700 A: No, I'm divorced.
18701 Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
18702 A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
18704 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
18706 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
18707 A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
18709 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
18711 THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
18712 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
18715 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
18717 Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
18718 A: I will be three months November 8th.
18719 Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
18721 Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
18723 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
18725 Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
18727 Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
18728 A: Picking them up in the air.
18729 Q: Where was the dog at this time?
18730 A: Attached to the ears.
18732 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
18734 Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
18735 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
18736 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
18737 him to the station?
18738 MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
18740 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
18742 Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
18744 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
18746 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
18748 Q: What is your name?
18749 A: Ernestine McDowell.
18750 Q: And what is your marital status?
18753 Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
18755 Q: What happened then?
18756 A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
18758 Q: Did he kill you?
18761 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
18763 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
18764 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
18765 the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
18766 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
18767 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
18768 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
18769 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
18770 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
18771 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
18772 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
18773 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
18775 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
18776 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
18777 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
18779 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
18781 Never goose a wolverine.
18783 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
18785 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
18787 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
18789 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
18790 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
18792 Four be the things I'd been better without:
18793 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
18795 Three be the things I shall never attain:
18796 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
18798 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
18799 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
18800 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
18802 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
18803 tombstones, women and competitors.
18804 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
18806 Four hours to bury the cat?
18807 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
18809 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
18810 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
18811 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
18812 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
18814 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
18815 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
18816 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
18819 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
18820 study for that instructor's course.
18822 Fourth Law of Revision:
18823 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
18824 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
18827 Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
18828 almost one, it is damn near zero.
18831 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
18834 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
18837 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
18838 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
18840 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
18841 -- A Yippie proverb
18843 FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
18845 FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
18847 FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
18849 FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
18853 Did you know that successive security officers take
18854 control by beheading their predecessor?
18857 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
18859 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
18861 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
18864 Freedom is slavery.
18865 Ignorance is strength.
18869 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
18871 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
18872 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
18874 Fremen add life to spice!
18876 Fresco's Discovery:
18877 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
18879 Friction is a drag.
18882 Increased automation of clerical function
18883 invariably results in increased operational costs.
18885 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
18889 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
18891 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
18893 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
18894 Let me clue you in;
18895 I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
18896 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
18897 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
18898 Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
18899 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
18900 And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
18901 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
18902 So are they all, all cool cats, --
18903 Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
18905 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
18907 -- Honore de Balzac
18909 Frisbeetarianism, n.:
18910 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
18914 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
18915 Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
18916 frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
18917 sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
18918 manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
18919 search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
18920 turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
18921 he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
18922 screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
18923 turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
18925 Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
18926 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
18927 electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
18928 FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
18929 FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
18930 FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
18931 via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
18932 applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
18934 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
18935 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
18937 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
18938 That is the point that must be reached.
18941 From a Tru64 patch description:
18943 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
18945 [From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
18946 Association, in Rome]:
18948 The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
18949 and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
18950 spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
18951 or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
18952 millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
18953 reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
18954 engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
18955 president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
18956 schizophrenia in mass genocide.
18958 From Italian tourist guide:
18960 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
18961 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
18963 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
18965 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
18968 From the crystal swirling waters,
18970 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
18971 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
18972 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
18973 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
18974 Your butt is on the menu
18975 And the check is in the mail.
18976 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
18978 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
18979 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
18980 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
18982 [From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
18985 The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
18986 MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
18987 featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
18988 against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
18989 "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
18990 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
18991 operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
18993 And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
18994 achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
18995 HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
18997 From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
18999 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
19000 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
19001 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
19002 volunteers who have worked hard to define international
19003 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
19004 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
19005 Italy celebrated on October 18."
19007 From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
19009 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
19010 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
19011 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
19012 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
19013 set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
19015 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
19016 systems program at JPL
19018 From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
19019 instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
19020 experience in sound:
19022 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
19023 sound is normal for this type of connector.
19025 From too much love of living,
19026 From hope and fear set free,
19027 We thank with brief thanksgiving,
19028 Whatever gods may be,
19029 That no life lives forever,
19030 That dead men rise up never,
19031 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
19035 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
19038 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
19039 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
19042 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
19043 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
19044 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
19047 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
19048 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
19051 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
19052 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
19053 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
19058 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
19061 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
19062 even when you are the only person in line.
19063 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19065 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
19068 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
19069 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
19071 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
19073 Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
19074 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
19076 G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
19077 of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
19078 secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
19079 `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
19080 that's your chance, my boy."
19082 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
19085 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
19086 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
19087 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
19089 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
19092 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
19093 stockings and desolating the country.
19094 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19096 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
19097 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
19098 -- Adventures of Asterix
19100 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
19102 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
19103 than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
19104 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
19106 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
19107 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
19108 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
19109 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
19110 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
19111 individuals and then grow ...
19112 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
19113 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
19114 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
19115 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
19116 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
19117 think not, my friend, I think not.
19118 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19120 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
19121 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
19122 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
19123 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
19124 in it today, either.
19126 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
19127 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
19128 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
19129 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
19130 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
19133 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
19134 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
19136 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19139 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
19140 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
19141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
19143 General notions are generally wrong.
19144 -- Lady M. W. Montagu
19146 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
19147 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
19149 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19153 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
19155 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
19156 and if you don't, why you should.
19159 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
19160 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
19161 all the right things to all the right people.
19163 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
19166 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
19167 -- Thomas Alva Edison
19172 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
19174 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
19176 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
19180 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
19184 Why he stays in the bottle.
19187 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
19188 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
19189 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
19190 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
19191 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
19192 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
19193 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
19194 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
19195 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
19196 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
19197 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
19198 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
19199 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
19200 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
19201 fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
19202 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
19203 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
19204 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
19205 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
19206 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
19207 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
19208 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
19209 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
19210 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
19213 Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
19214 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
19215 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
19218 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
19221 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
19222 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
19223 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
19225 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
19226 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
19227 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
19229 George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
19230 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
19232 George Orwell was an optimist.
19234 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
19235 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
19238 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
19239 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
19240 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
19241 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
19242 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
19243 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
19244 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
19245 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
19246 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
19247 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
19248 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
19249 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
19250 gonna get on Labor Day."
19252 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
19253 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
19254 "And he didn't understand me."
19256 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
19257 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
19258 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
19259 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
19260 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
19261 much as to make the task totally impossible.
19263 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
19265 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
19268 Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
19270 Getting into trouble is easy.
19271 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
19273 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
19274 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
19275 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
19276 of the American Bar Association
19278 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19281 Following the rules will not get the job done.
19283 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
19285 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
19287 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
19288 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
19289 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
19290 Then we have them for a meal (...)
19292 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
19293 See them flying through the air (...)
19294 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
19295 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
19297 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
19298 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
19299 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
19300 Of the blood of little critters (...)
19302 Gilbert's Discovery:
19303 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
19304 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
19306 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
19307 of him the harpers sadly sing;
19308 the last whose realm was fair and free
19309 between the Mountains and the Sea.
19311 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
19312 his shining helm afar was seen;
19313 the countless stars of heaven's field
19314 were mirrored in his silver shield.
19316 But long ago he rode away,
19317 and where he dwelleth none can say;
19318 for into darkness fell his star
19319 in Mordor where the shadows are.
19323 Ginsberg's Theorem:
19325 2. You can't break even.
19326 3. You can't even quit the game.
19328 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
19329 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
19330 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
19333 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
19334 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
19335 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
19338 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
19339 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
19341 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
19343 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
19344 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19346 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
19347 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
19350 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
19351 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
19353 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
19355 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
19356 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
19358 Give him an evasive answer.
19360 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
19361 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
19363 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
19364 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
19366 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
19368 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
19371 Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
19374 Give me libertines or give me meth.
19376 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
19377 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
19378 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
19379 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
19382 Give me your students, your secretaries,
19383 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
19384 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
19385 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
19386 I lift my disk beside the processor.
19387 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
19389 Give thought to your reputation.
19390 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
19394 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
19396 Give your very best today.
19397 Heaven knows it's little enough.
19399 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
19400 -- William Faulkner
19402 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
19403 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
19406 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
19408 Given sufficient time, what you put
19409 off doing today will get done by itself.
19411 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
19412 rather lie around. No contest.
19415 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
19416 car keys to teenage boys.
19419 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
19420 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
19421 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
19422 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
19425 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
19426 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
19428 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
19429 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
19430 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
19431 some useful work done.
19433 Gloffing is a state of mine.
19435 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
19436 fifth of dry red wine
19438 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
19442 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
19443 a few pieces of dried orange peel
19445 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
19446 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
19447 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
19448 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
19449 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
19450 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
19451 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
19452 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
19453 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
19457 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
19459 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
19461 Go ahead, make my day.
19462 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
19464 Go away, I'm all right.
19465 -- H. G. Wells' last words
19467 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
19468 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
19472 Go climb a gravity well.
19474 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
19476 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
19477 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
19479 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
19480 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
19482 Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
19483 be in owning a piece thereof.
19484 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
19486 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
19487 but quickly to their misfortunes.
19490 Go to a movie tonight.
19491 Darkness becomes you.
19493 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
19497 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
19498 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
19499 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
19502 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
19503 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
19504 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
19505 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
19508 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
19510 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
19514 Darwin's chief rival.
19516 God created a few perfect heads.
19517 The rest he covered with hair.
19520 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
19521 but many other things ceased as well.
19522 Woman was God's second mistake.
19523 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
19525 God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
19526 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
19528 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
19529 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
19532 "God gives burdens; also shoulders."
19534 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
19535 end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
19536 can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
19537 would he lie about a thing like that?
19538 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
19540 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
19541 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
19543 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
19544 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
19545 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
19546 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
19547 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
19548 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
19549 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
19550 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
19552 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
19553 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
19554 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
19556 God help those who do not help themselves.
19559 God helps them that helps themselves.
19560 -- Benjamin Franklin
19562 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
19564 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
19565 but by pains and contradictions.
19568 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
19577 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
19580 God is love, but get it in writing.
19583 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
19584 much less ambitious project.
19586 God is real, unless declared integer.
19588 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
19589 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
19593 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
19596 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
19598 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
19601 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
19603 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
19606 God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
19609 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
19611 God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
19613 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
19614 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
19615 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
19616 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
19617 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
19618 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
19621 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
19622 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
19623 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
19624 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
19625 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
19626 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
19629 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
19630 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
19631 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
19632 Won't ruin your whole day.
19633 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
19635 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
19637 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
19638 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
19641 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
19643 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
19645 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
19649 God votes Republican.
19651 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
19655 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
19656 somebody moves the ends.
19658 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
19660 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
19661 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
19664 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
19665 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
19666 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
19667 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
19668 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
19670 Goldenstern's Rules:
19671 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
19672 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
19674 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
19675 eating before he bursts.
19678 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
19681 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
19682 (2) Time accelerates.
19683 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
19685 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
19686 -- by Margaret Mitchell
19688 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
19690 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
19693 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
19695 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
19696 -- by Ernest Hemingway
19698 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
19700 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
19703 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
19705 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
19707 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
19709 Good day for business affairs.
19710 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
19712 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
19714 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
19716 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
19718 Good day to deal with people in high places;
19719 particularly lonely stewardesses.
19721 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
19723 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
19724 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
19725 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
19726 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
19728 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
19730 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
19731 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
19732 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
19733 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
19734 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
19736 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
19738 Good judgment comes from experience.
19739 Experience comes from bad judgment.
19742 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
19744 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
19745 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
19746 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
19748 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
19750 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
19752 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
19754 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
19756 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
19758 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
19761 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
19764 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
19767 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
19768 -- George Saunders' dying words
19770 Goodbye, cool world.
19772 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
19773 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
19774 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
19775 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
19776 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
19777 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
19778 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
19779 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
19781 Gordon's first law:
19782 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
19786 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
19788 Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
19789 time travel, you never can tell.
19790 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
19793 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
19796 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
19798 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
19799 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
19803 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
19805 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
19806 I went out for a ride and never came back.
19807 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
19808 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
19810 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
19811 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
19812 Lay down your money and you play your part,
19813 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
19815 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
19816 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
19817 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
19818 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
19820 Everybody needs a place to rest,
19821 Everybody wants to have a home.
19822 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
19823 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
19824 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
19827 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
19830 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
19831 to complain about unstructured programmers.
19835 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
19836 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
19837 leaving the best part.
19839 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
19842 Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
19843 -- John Updike, "Couples"
19845 Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
19848 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
19849 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
19851 -- The Best of Will Rogers
19854 There is an exception to all laws.
19856 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
19857 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
19859 -- Princess Leia Organa
19862 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
19864 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
19866 Graduate students and most professors are
19867 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
19869 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
19871 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
19872 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
19873 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
19875 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
19876 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19878 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
19880 Graphics blind the eyes.
19881 Audio files deafen the ear.
19882 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
19883 Heuristics weaken the mind.
19884 Options wither the heart.
19886 The Guru observes the net
19887 but trusts his inner vision.
19888 He allows things to come and go.
19889 His heart is as open as the ether.
19892 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
19894 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
19898 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
19900 Gravity brings me down.
19902 Gray's Law of Programming:
19903 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
19904 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
19906 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
19907 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
19909 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
19912 Great American Axiom:
19913 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
19915 Great minds run in great circles.
19917 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
19919 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
19920 place of residence.
19922 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
19924 Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
19926 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
19928 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
19930 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
19933 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
19934 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
19937 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
19939 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
19940 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
19943 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
19945 Green's Law of Debate:
19946 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
19948 Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
19949 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
19950 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
19951 of half of Common Lisp.
19954 Eighty percent of all people consider
19955 themselves to be above average drivers.
19957 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
19959 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
19960 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
19964 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
19966 Grig (the navigator):
19967 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
19971 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
19973 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
19974 Grig: That's the spirit!
19975 -- The Last Starfighter
19977 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
19978 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
19980 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
19981 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
19984 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
19985 -- Maurice Chevalier
19987 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
19988 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
19989 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
19990 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
19991 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
19992 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
19993 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
19994 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
19995 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
19996 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
19997 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
19998 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
19999 universe while straddling a giant worm.
20002 Grub first, then ethics.
20006 A French chopping center.
20009 The probability of a given event
20010 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
20012 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
20014 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
20015 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
20016 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
20017 (2) The strength of the turbulence
20018 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
20021 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
20022 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
20023 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
20026 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
20027 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
20028 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
20031 A computer owner who can read the manual.
20034 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
20035 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
20036 other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
20037 mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
20038 other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
20039 offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
20040 torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
20041 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
20043 H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
20044 Slice him up before he slays you.
20045 Nothing makes you look a slob
20046 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
20047 -- The Roguelet's ABC
20049 H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
20050 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20051 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20053 H. L. Mencken's Law:
20054 Those who can -- do.
20055 Those who can't -- teach.
20057 Martin's Extension:
20058 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20060 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20063 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
20064 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
20065 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack."
20066 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
20067 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
20068 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
20069 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
20071 Hacker's Fight Song
20073 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
20074 He's a guy with the happy knack!
20075 Never bungles, never shirks,
20076 Always gets his stuff to work!
20078 All take a drink (important!)
20080 Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
20082 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
20083 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
20084 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
20085 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
20086 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
20087 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
20088 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
20089 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
20090 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
20091 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
20092 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
20093 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
20094 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
20096 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
20097 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
20098 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
20099 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
20100 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
20101 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
20102 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
20105 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
20106 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
20108 Hackers of the world, unite!
20110 Hacker's Quicky #313:
20111 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
20115 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
20117 Had he and I but met
20118 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
20119 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
20120 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
20121 And killed him in his place.
20122 I shot him dead because --
20123 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
20124 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
20125 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
20126 No other reason why.
20127 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
20128 You shoot a fellow down
20129 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
20130 Or help to half-a-crown.
20133 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
20134 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
20135 -- Alfonso the Wise
20137 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
20138 referring to operating system initialization.]
20140 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
20141 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
20143 Hail to the sun god
20144 He's such a fun god
20147 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
20149 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
20150 a big enough majority in any town?
20151 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
20153 Hale Mail Rule, The:
20154 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
20155 one of the following:
20156 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
20159 (d) The letter you are answering.
20161 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
20162 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
20163 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
20164 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
20166 Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
20168 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
20170 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
20171 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
20174 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
20175 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
20176 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
20177 difference between life and death.
20179 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
20180 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
20181 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
20182 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
20183 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
20184 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
20185 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
20186 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
20188 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
20190 Hall's Laws of Politics:
20191 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
20192 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
20194 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
20195 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
20196 their own districts).
20199 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
20200 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
20201 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20204 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
20206 Handshaking protocol, n.:
20207 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
20208 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
20209 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
20211 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
20215 The wrath of grapes.
20218 Never attribute to malice
20219 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
20221 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
20222 There are never enough hours in a day,
20223 but always too many days before Saturday.
20225 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
20227 Happiness is a hard disk.
20229 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
20231 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
20234 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
20237 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
20239 Happiness is the greatest good.
20241 Happiness is twin floppies.
20243 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
20245 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
20248 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
20251 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
20253 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20256 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
20258 Happy feast of the pig!
20260 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
20263 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
20266 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
20269 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
20271 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
20272 -- Charlie McCarthy
20275 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
20277 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
20278 The Duke is fond of kittens
20279 He likes to take their insides out
20280 And use them for his mittens
20283 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
20284 Advertising wondrous things.
20287 Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
20288 convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
20291 Harp not on that string.
20292 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20294 Harriet's Dining Observation:
20295 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
20296 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
20298 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
20299 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
20300 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
20302 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
20303 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
20304 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
20305 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
20306 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
20307 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
20308 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
20309 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
20310 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
20311 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
20313 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
20314 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
20315 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
20316 hadn't been carving that pie."
20317 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
20319 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
20320 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
20323 Harrison's Postulate:
20324 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20327 All the good ones are taken.
20329 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
20330 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
20331 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
20332 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
20333 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
20334 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
20335 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
20336 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
20337 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
20338 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
20339 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
20340 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
20341 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
20342 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
20343 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
20346 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
20347 makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
20348 famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
20349 probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
20350 have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
20351 enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
20352 attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
20353 down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
20354 just like Richard Nixon."
20355 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
20357 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
20358 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
20359 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
20360 with all that pep and vitality.
20362 Hartley's First Law:
20363 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
20364 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
20366 Hartley's Second Law:
20367 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
20370 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
20373 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
20374 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
20375 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
20379 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
20380 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
20381 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
20382 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
20384 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
20385 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
20386 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
20387 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
20388 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
20392 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
20393 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
20394 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
20395 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
20396 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
20398 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
20400 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
20402 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
20403 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
20404 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
20405 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
20406 but a lot harder than it appears.
20408 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
20409 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
20410 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
20411 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
20412 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
20413 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
20419 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
20421 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
20422 -- "Night After Night", 1932
20424 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
20425 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
20427 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
20430 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
20431 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
20435 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
20437 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20439 Have a coke and a smile!
20444 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
20446 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
20447 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
20453 Have an adequate day.
20457 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
20460 Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
20461 to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
20462 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
20464 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
20465 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
20466 only serves to blunt the warning signs.
20468 Long live the revolution!
20471 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
20472 seriously, for they will shape you.
20475 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
20476 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
20477 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
20478 seventeen-year-old housewife's
20479 two-day-old cookbook?
20480 -- Richard Brautigan
20482 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
20484 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
20485 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
20486 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
20487 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
20489 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
20491 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
20492 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
20493 never find the time for play?
20495 Have you flogged your kid today?
20497 Have you locked your file cabinet?
20499 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
20500 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
20502 Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
20503 sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
20504 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
20506 Have you reconsidered a computer career?
20508 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
20509 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
20511 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
20512 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
20513 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
20514 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
20516 How can you tell me you're lonely,
20517 And say for you the sun don't shine?
20518 Let me take you by the hand
20519 Lead you through the streets of London
20520 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
20522 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
20523 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
20524 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
20525 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
20527 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
20528 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
20529 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
20530 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
20531 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
20532 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
20534 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
20535 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
20536 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
20537 Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
20538 Puttin' on the Ritz.
20540 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
20541 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
20542 Puttin' on the Ritz.
20543 Puttin' on the Ritz.
20544 Puttin' on the Ritz.
20545 Puttin' on the Ritz.
20547 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
20548 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
20549 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
20550 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
20551 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
20552 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
20553 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
20555 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
20557 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
20560 Having no talent is no longer enough.
20563 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
20564 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
20566 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
20569 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
20570 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
20571 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
20572 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
20575 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
20576 It's not easy to play the clown
20577 when you've got to run the whole circus.
20579 He: Do you like Kipling?
20580 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
20582 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
20583 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
20586 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
20587 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
20590 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
20593 He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
20594 effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
20596 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
20598 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
20599 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
20600 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
20602 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
20603 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
20605 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
20606 finer than the staple of his argument.
20607 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
20609 He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
20612 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
20614 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
20615 perfectly delightful.
20618 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
20619 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
20620 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
20621 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
20623 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
20626 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
20627 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
20630 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
20633 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
20634 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
20636 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
20637 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
20638 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
20639 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
20641 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
20644 He is considered a most graceful speaker
20645 who can say nothing in the most words.
20647 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
20649 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
20652 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
20655 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
20658 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
20660 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
20661 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
20663 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
20665 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
20666 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
20668 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
20669 -- Sir Richard Burton
20671 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
20672 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
20674 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
20677 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
20680 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
20681 had fallen to the ground.
20682 -- The Book of Serenity
20684 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
20686 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
20687 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
20688 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
20689 I must translate it otherwise.
20690 If I am well inspired and not blind.
20691 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
20692 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
20693 Lest you should write too hastily.
20694 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
20695 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
20696 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
20697 That my translation must be changed again.
20698 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
20699 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
20700 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
20702 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
20703 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
20705 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
20706 -- Peter Stack, movie review
20708 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
20709 -- John Stark, movie review
20711 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
20712 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
20714 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
20715 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
20716 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
20718 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
20719 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
20721 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
20722 -- Scottish proverb
20724 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
20725 -- Benjamin Franklin
20727 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
20728 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
20730 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
20731 -- Benjamin Franklin
20733 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
20735 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
20736 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
20738 He thought he saw an albatross
20739 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
20740 He looked again and saw it was
20741 A penny postage stamp.
20742 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
20743 "The nights are rather damp."
20745 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
20746 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
20747 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
20748 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
20749 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
20750 -- Eric Van Lustbader
20752 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
20756 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
20758 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
20759 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
20760 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
20761 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
20762 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
20765 He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
20768 He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
20771 He was part of my dream, of course --
20772 but then I was part of his dream too.
20774 "Through the Looking-Glass,
20775 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
20777 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
20779 He was the sort of person whose personality
20780 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
20782 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
20784 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
20785 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
20786 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
20788 He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
20789 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
20791 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
20792 the human condition is a fool.
20795 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
20796 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
20798 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
20799 -- Honore de Balzac
20801 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
20804 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
20806 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
20808 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
20810 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
20812 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
20814 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
20815 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
20816 -- Giacomo Leopardi
20818 He who hates vices hates mankind.
20820 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
20823 He who hesitates is last.
20825 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
20827 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
20829 He who invents adages for others to peruse
20830 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
20832 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
20834 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
20836 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
20838 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
20839 encounter many rivals.
20840 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
20842 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
20843 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
20844 senses until the day of judgment.
20847 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
20849 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
20852 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
20853 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
20854 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
20856 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
20857 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
20858 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
20859 he knows something. Or something like that.
20861 He who knows others is wise.
20862 He who knows himself is enlightened.
20865 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
20868 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
20871 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
20873 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
20875 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
20877 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
20879 He who laughs, lasts.
20881 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
20883 He who loses, wins the race,
20884 And parallel lines meet in space.
20885 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
20887 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
20890 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
20892 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
20893 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
20894 -- Sir Richard Burton
20896 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
20897 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
20899 He who slings mud loses ground.
20902 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
20904 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
20906 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
20909 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
20912 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
20913 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
20914 education and culture.
20915 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
20917 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
20920 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
20922 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
20923 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
20927 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
20928 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
20931 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
20932 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
20935 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
20936 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
20937 up a chopped libber?
20940 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
20941 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
20944 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
20945 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
20949 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
20950 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
20951 typewriter's ribbon?
20954 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
20955 One fortunate cookie...
20957 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
20958 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
20959 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
20961 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
20962 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
20964 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
20965 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
20967 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
20968 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
20969 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
20970 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
20973 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
20974 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
20975 while you expound your own.
20976 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
20978 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
20979 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
20982 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
20984 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
20986 Heisenberg may have been here.
20988 Heisenberg may have slept here.
20990 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
20993 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
20994 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
20995 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
20997 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
20998 how are they supposed to know you care?
21000 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
21001 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
21004 Truth seen too late.
21007 The first myth of management is that it exists.
21009 Johnson's Corollary:
21010 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
21013 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
21014 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
21015 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
21017 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
21018 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
21019 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
21020 you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
21021 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
21022 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
21024 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
21025 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
21026 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
21029 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
21031 Hell's broken loose.
21034 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
21036 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
21038 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
21041 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
21043 Help fight continental drift.
21045 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
21047 Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
21049 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
21051 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
21053 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
21054 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
21055 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
21056 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
21057 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
21058 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
21061 Her locks an ancient lady gave
21062 Her loving husband's life to save;
21063 And men -- they honored so the dame --
21064 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
21066 But to our modern married fair,
21067 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
21068 No stellar recognition's given.
21069 There are not stars enough in heaven.
21071 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
21072 from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
21074 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
21076 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
21077 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
21078 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
21079 thousand times before
21080 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
21081 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
21083 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
21087 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
21088 All logged in, but work unstarted.
21089 First net.this and net.that,
21090 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
21092 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
21093 Then I turn back to net.flame.
21094 Is there a cure (I need your views),
21095 For someone trapped in net.news?
21097 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
21098 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
21100 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
21101 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
21102 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
21103 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
21105 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
21106 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
21107 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
21108 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
21110 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
21111 At whose beckoning history shook.
21112 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
21113 So I stay at home with a book.
21116 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
21117 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
21118 your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
21119 Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
21120 pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
21121 but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
21122 important electrical lesson.
21124 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
21125 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
21126 objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
21127 attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
21128 collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
21129 friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
21130 carpet, thus completing the circuit.
21132 Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
21133 touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
21134 finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
21136 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
21138 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
21139 if you're alive, it isn't.
21141 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
21142 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
21143 marketing anxiety in China.
21145 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
21146 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
21148 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
21150 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
21151 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
21152 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
21153 satiric vistas do not open up.
21154 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
21156 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
21157 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
21160 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
21162 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
21163 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
21164 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
21166 Here there by tygers.
21168 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
21169 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
21170 around as if you're going to fall.
21171 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
21173 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
21174 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
21178 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
21180 He's been like a father to me,
21181 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
21182 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
21183 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
21188 He's got the heart of a little child,
21189 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
21191 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
21193 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
21195 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
21196 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
21199 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
21200 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
21202 He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
21204 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
21205 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
21207 Hewett's Observation:
21208 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
21209 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
21210 peers similarly engaged.
21212 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
21213 To get a little more stack;
21214 If that's not enough then you lose it all
21215 And have to pop all the way back.
21217 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
21218 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
21220 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
21221 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
21222 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
21223 these words were spoken.
21225 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
21226 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
21229 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
21230 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
21232 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
21233 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
21234 leave your name and message after the beep...
21236 Hi! How are things going?
21237 (just fine, thank you...)
21238 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
21239 (you just asked one...)
21240 Well, how about one more?
21241 (one more than the first one?)
21243 (you already asked that...)
21244 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
21245 May I ask two questions, sir?
21247 May I ask ONE then?
21249 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
21251 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
21252 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
21253 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
21254 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
21256 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
21257 (go right ahead...)
21259 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
21260 As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
21261 equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
21262 Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
21263 probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
21264 course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
21265 experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
21266 of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
21268 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
21269 motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
21270 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
21272 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
21273 You wanna help on the audit now?
21275 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
21276 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
21277 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
21279 Hickery Dickery Dock,
21280 The mice ran up the clock,
21281 The clock struck one,
21282 The others escaped with minor injuries.
21284 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
21288 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
21290 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
21291 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
21292 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
21293 Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
21294 We buried him today because
21295 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
21296 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
21297 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
21298 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
21303 Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
21304 "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
21305 Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
21307 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
21308 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
21310 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
21312 High heels are a device invented by a woman
21313 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
21315 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
21316 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
21317 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
21318 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
21319 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
21320 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
21321 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
21322 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
21323 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
21324 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
21325 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
21326 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
21327 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
21328 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
21329 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
21331 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
21334 A California innovation composed
21335 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
21337 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
21339 Hildebrant's Principle:
21340 If you don't know where you are going,
21341 any road will get you there.
21343 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
21344 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
21345 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
21346 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
21349 Hindsight is always 20:20.
21353 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
21354 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
21355 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
21356 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
21357 of zoology is full of surprises.
21358 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21360 Hire the morally handicapped.
21362 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
21363 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
21364 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
21366 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
21369 His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
21370 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
21372 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
21373 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
21374 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
21375 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
21376 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
21377 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
21378 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
21379 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
21380 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
21381 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
21382 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
21383 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
21384 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
21386 His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
21387 money, he went to Southern California.
21389 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
21391 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
21394 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
21396 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
21399 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
21401 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
21402 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
21403 continues to this day.
21406 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
21408 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
21409 of the Mexican revolution:
21411 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
21412 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
21413 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
21414 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
21415 army where he was then executed."
21417 History is curious stuff
21418 You'd think by now we had enough
21419 Yet the fact remains I fear
21420 They make more of it every year.
21422 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
21423 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
21426 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
21428 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
21429 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
21431 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
21433 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
21434 time as bedroom farce.
21436 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
21438 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
21439 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
21440 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
21441 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
21442 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
21443 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
21445 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
21446 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
21447 Pour my black old coffee longer,
21448 While that smell is gettin' stronger
21449 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
21451 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
21452 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
21453 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
21454 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
21455 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
21457 And let me halfway fall in love,
21458 For part of a lonely night,
21459 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21460 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
21461 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
21462 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
21465 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
21466 The stapler runs out of staples
21467 only while you are trying to staple something.
21469 Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
21470 agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
21471 used against the coloured.
21472 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
21475 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
21476 they will find an easier way to do it.
21478 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
21479 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
21481 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
21482 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
21483 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
21484 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
21485 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
21486 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
21487 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
21488 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
21489 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
21490 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
21491 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
21492 exist in a more fundamental sense.
21494 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
21495 Inside every large problem is a small
21496 problem struggling to get out.
21498 Hodie natus est radici frater.
21500 Hoffer's Discovery:
21501 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
21502 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
21505 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
21506 Hofstadter's Law into account.
21508 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
21509 Take a shot every time:
21511 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
21512 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
21513 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
21514 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
21515 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
21516 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
21517 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
21518 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
21519 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
21520 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
21521 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
21522 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
21523 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
21524 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
21525 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
21526 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
21527 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
21528 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
21529 plan is impossible.
21530 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
21533 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
21535 Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
21538 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
21539 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
21541 Tune in again tomorrow:
21542 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
21546 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
21547 they have to take you in.
21548 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
21550 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
21551 cage is to a cockatoo.
21552 -- George Bernard Shaw
21554 Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
21555 The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
21558 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
21560 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
21563 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
21566 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
21568 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
21571 Honesty's the best policy.
21572 -- Miguel de Cervantes
21575 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
21578 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
21580 Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
21582 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
21585 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
21586 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
21587 "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
21588 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
21590 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
21593 Hope is a waking dream.
21596 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
21599 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
21601 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
21604 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
21605 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
21608 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
21609 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
21611 Horngren's Observation:
21612 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
21614 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
21617 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
21620 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
21622 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
21624 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
21625 had towels from my house.
21628 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
21631 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
21632 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
21634 Housework can kill you if done right.
21637 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
21640 How apt the poor are to be proud.
21641 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
21643 How can you be in two places at once
21644 when you're not anywhere at all?
21646 How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
21649 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
21650 -- Charles de Gaulle
21652 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
21655 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
21656 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
21657 in the waking state?
21660 How can you think and hit at the same time?
21663 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
21665 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
21667 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
21668 claim they'll make you?
21670 How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
21672 How come we never talk anymore?
21674 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
21676 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
21677 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
21680 How could they think women a recreation?
21681 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
21682 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
21683 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
21684 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
21685 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
21686 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
21687 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
21688 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
21689 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
21690 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
21691 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
21692 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
21693 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
21694 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
21696 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
21697 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
21698 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
21699 have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
21700 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
21701 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
21702 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
21703 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
21704 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
21705 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
21706 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
21707 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
21708 This I have done with my life, and am content.
21709 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
21710 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
21711 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
21713 How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
21715 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
21718 How doth the little crocodile
21719 Improve his shining tail,
21720 And pour the waters of the Nile
21721 On every golden scale!
21723 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
21724 How neatly spreads his claws,
21725 And welcomes little fishes in,
21726 With gently smiling jaws!
21727 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
21729 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
21730 Improve its object code.
21731 And even as we speak does it
21732 Increase the system load.
21734 How patiently it seems to run
21735 And spit out error flags,
21736 While users, with frustration, all
21737 Tear all their clothes to rags.
21739 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
21740 journalists, and they believe what they read.
21741 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
21743 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
21745 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
21746 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
21748 "How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
21749 carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
21751 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
21752 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
21753 what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
21754 say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
21755 back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
21756 cheese!" and so on.
21757 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
21759 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
21761 How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
21762 None: "We'll document it in the manual."
21764 How many weeks are there in a light year?
21766 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
21768 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
21770 How much does she love you?
21771 Less than you'll ever know.
21773 How much for your women? I want to buy your
21774 daughter... how much for the little girl?
21775 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
21777 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
21779 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
21781 How often I found where I should be going
21782 only by setting out for somewhere else.
21783 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
21785 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
21787 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
21790 How to become a sysop:
21791 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
21792 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
21793 worked a full day in my life since then.
21796 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
21797 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
21799 How untasteful can you get?
21801 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
21803 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
21804 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
21806 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
21807 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
21809 HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
21810 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
21813 How you look depends on where you go.
21816 Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
21818 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
21819 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
21822 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
21823 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
21824 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
21825 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
21826 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
21827 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
21828 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
21829 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
21830 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
21831 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
21832 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
21833 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
21834 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
21835 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
21836 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
21837 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
21838 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
21839 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
21840 in the name of "conservatism."
21841 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
21843 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
21844 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
21845 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
21846 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
21847 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
21848 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
21849 -- Albuquerque Journal
21852 Don't take life too seriously;
21853 you won't get out of it alive.
21855 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
21857 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
21862 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
21864 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
21865 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
21866 table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
21867 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
21868 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
21869 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
21871 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
21872 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
21874 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
21877 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
21878 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
21882 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
21885 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
21886 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
21888 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
21890 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
21893 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
21896 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
21897 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
21898 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
21899 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
21900 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
21901 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
21902 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
21903 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
21904 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
21906 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
21908 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
21909 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
21910 All the king's horses,
21911 And all the king's men,
21912 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
21914 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
21916 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
21917 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
21918 to... to... uh.....
21920 Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
21921 time, turns into people.
21925 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
21926 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
21928 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
21929 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
21931 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
21933 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
21935 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
21936 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
21938 -- Norman Augustine
21940 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
21941 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
21942 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
21943 terrifies people the most.
21946 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
21949 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
21952 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
21953 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
21955 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
21956 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
21957 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
21958 -- Richard M. Nixon
21960 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
21961 -- Richard M. Nixon
21963 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
21964 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
21965 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
21967 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
21970 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
21971 It is never any good to oneself.
21972 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
21974 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
21975 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
21977 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
21978 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
21979 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
21981 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
21984 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
21985 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
21986 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
21987 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
21988 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
21989 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
21990 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
21991 And a cow. And a cow.
21993 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
21994 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
21995 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
21996 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
21997 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
21998 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
21999 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
22000 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
22001 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
22003 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
22004 person, you will not sell me another book.
22007 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
22009 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
22010 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
22011 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
22013 I am a deeply superficial person.
22016 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
22020 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
22021 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22023 I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
22024 computer to be running Win98.
22025 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
22027 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
22028 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
22029 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
22031 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
22032 -- Winston Churchill
22034 I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
22035 have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
22036 This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
22037 reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
22039 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
22041 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
22042 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
22043 is to suffer for others.
22046 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
22047 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
22048 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
22049 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
22051 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
22052 -- Katharine Whitehorn
22054 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
22055 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
22056 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
22059 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
22060 of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
22061 you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
22062 atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
22063 inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
22064 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
22066 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
22067 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
22069 I am looking for a honest man.
22070 -- Diogenes the Cynic
22072 I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
22077 -- Richard M. Nixon
22079 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
22082 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
22083 -- William Allen White
22085 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
22088 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
22091 I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
22092 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
22094 I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
22095 -- English Professor
22097 I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
22098 that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
22099 planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
22100 world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
22103 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
22104 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
22105 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
22107 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
22108 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
22109 -- Winston Churchill
22111 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
22112 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
22113 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
22115 I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
22116 with an option to buy.
22118 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
22120 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
22122 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
22125 I am two with nature.
22128 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
22129 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
22132 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
22133 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
22134 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
22135 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
22136 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
22138 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
22139 argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
22140 steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
22141 they don't even invite me.
22144 I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
22145 thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
22146 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
22148 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
22149 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
22150 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
22151 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
22152 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
22153 them completely, even molding the keypads.
22154 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
22156 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
22157 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
22165 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
22168 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
22169 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
22170 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
22171 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
22172 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
22173 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
22174 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
22175 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
22176 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
22177 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
22178 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
22179 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
22181 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
22183 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
22184 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
22187 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
22188 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
22189 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
22190 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
22191 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
22192 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
22193 the people who might elect him.
22196 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
22197 -- G. K. Chesterton
22199 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
22202 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
22203 and everything else in the world is fixed.
22204 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
22206 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
22207 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
22208 total discrediting of the world of reality.
22211 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
22214 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
22217 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
22218 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
22219 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22221 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
22222 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
22223 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
22224 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
22225 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22227 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
22228 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
22229 a visit to a London veterans hospital
22231 I brake for chezlogs!
22233 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
22234 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
22235 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
22236 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
22237 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
22238 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
22239 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
22240 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
22241 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
22242 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
22243 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
22244 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
22245 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
22246 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
22247 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
22250 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
22253 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
22254 They're still living in the fifties.
22257 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
22259 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
22260 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
22261 -- The Firesign Theatre
22263 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
22265 I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
22266 prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
22267 bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
22271 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
22272 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
22274 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
22277 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
22278 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
22281 I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
22283 I can relate to that.
22285 I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
22286 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
22290 I can resist anything but temptation.
22292 I can see him a'comin'
22293 With his big boots on,
22294 With his big thumb out,
22295 He wants to get me.
22296 He wants to hurt me.
22297 He wants to bring me down.
22298 But some time later,
22299 When I feel a little straighter,
22300 I'll come across a stranger
22301 Who'll remind me of the danger,
22302 And then.... I'll run him over.
22303 Pretty smart on my part!
22304 To find my way... In the dark!
22307 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
22308 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
22311 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
22314 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
22315 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
22317 I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
22318 of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
22319 -- F. H. Wales (1936)
22321 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
22322 If it be man's work I will do it.
22324 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
22326 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
22327 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
22328 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
22329 United States would have lost World War II."
22330 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
22332 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
22335 I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
22336 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
22338 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
22341 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
22342 -- Florence Henderson
22344 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
22347 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
22348 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
22349 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
22350 Your Socks Outside-in
22351 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
22352 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
22353 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
22354 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
22355 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
22356 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
22358 I can't mate in captivity.
22359 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
22361 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
22362 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
22365 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
22366 -- Albert Anastasia
22368 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
22369 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
22370 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
22371 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
22374 I can't understand it.
22375 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
22376 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
22378 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
22379 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
22382 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
22383 I'm frightened of the old ones.
22386 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
22387 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
22391 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
22392 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
22393 -- Michael Prichard
22395 I consider a new device or technology to have been
22396 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
22399 I consider the day misspent that I am not
22400 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
22401 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
22403 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
22404 dance with the cows till you come home.
22407 I could never learn to like her --
22408 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
22411 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
22413 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
22414 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
22417 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
22419 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
22420 I should have to believe in it in this one.
22423 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
22426 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
22427 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
22430 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
22432 I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
22434 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
22435 The curtain was up.
22437 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
22438 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
22440 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
22441 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
22442 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
22443 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
22444 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22446 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
22447 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
22448 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
22450 I do desire we may be better strangers.
22451 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
22453 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
22455 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
22456 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
22457 minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
22458 accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
22459 mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
22460 bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
22462 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
22464 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
22465 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
22466 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
22469 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
22470 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
22471 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
22472 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
22473 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
22474 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
22475 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
22476 Cardinals backed down and played.
22478 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
22481 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
22482 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
22485 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
22486 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
22488 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
22489 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
22490 comes nearest to it of any.
22491 -- Henry David Thoreau
22493 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
22494 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
22497 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
22498 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
22499 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
22500 devote it to research in mathematics.
22501 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
22503 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
22504 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
22508 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
22511 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
22512 don't believe in astrology.
22513 -- James R. F. Quirk
22515 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
22516 a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
22519 I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
22520 a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
22521 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
22523 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
22524 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
22525 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
22526 -- The Best of Will Rogers
22528 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
22529 -- Heard in Bethlehem
22531 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
22534 I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
22538 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
22539 deserve that either.
22542 I don't do it for the money.
22543 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
22545 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
22548 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
22549 -- Katherine Cebrian
22551 I don't get no respect.
22553 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
22554 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
22556 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
22557 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
22559 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
22560 highly trained certified public accountants.
22563 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
22564 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
22565 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
22567 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
22568 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
22571 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
22574 I don't know what Descartes' got,
22575 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
22578 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
22579 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
22582 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
22583 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
22585 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
22587 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
22588 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
22591 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
22593 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
22594 with Dutch Schultz.
22596 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
22597 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
22598 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
22601 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
22604 I don't mind arguing with myself.
22605 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
22608 I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
22611 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
22612 streets and frighten the horses.
22615 I don't need no arms around me...
22616 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
22617 I have seen the writing on the wall.
22618 Don't think I need anything at all.
22619 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
22620 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
22621 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
22622 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
22624 I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
22626 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
22628 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
22629 he starts to practice law.
22630 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
22633 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
22634 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
22635 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22637 "I don't think so," said Ren'
\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
22639 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
22640 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
22641 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
22643 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
22644 to the sea and drown yourselves."
22646 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
22647 you human beings don't."
22650 I don't understand you anymore.
22652 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
22653 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
22655 I don't want a pickle,
22656 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
22657 And I don't want to die,
22658 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
22661 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
22664 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
22665 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
22668 I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
22669 the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
22670 thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
22671 broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
22672 Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
22673 their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
22674 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
22677 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
22679 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
22682 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
22684 I dote on his very absence.
22685 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
22687 I doubt, therefore I might be.
22689 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
22690 on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
22691 he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
22692 becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
22693 -- George Bernard Shaw
22695 I drink to make other people interesting.
22696 -- George Jean Nathan
22698 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
22700 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
22702 I exist, therefore I am paid.
22704 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
22706 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
22708 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
22709 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
22710 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
22712 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
22713 honest difference of opinion.
22716 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
22717 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
22720 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
22721 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
22724 I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
22726 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
22729 I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
22730 reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
22733 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
22734 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
22735 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
22736 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
22738 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
22739 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
22740 How can there be a program, that has no end?
22741 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
22743 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
22744 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
22745 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
22746 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
22748 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_
\bh_
\bo_
\br_
\br_
\bi_
\bf_
\by_
\bi_
\bn_
\bg* 20
22749 minutes of my life!
22751 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
22754 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
22757 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
22758 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
22759 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
22760 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
22762 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
22763 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
22764 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
22765 And think of the places my get-up has been.
22768 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
22769 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
22771 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
22774 I go the way that Providence dictates.
22777 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
22778 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
22779 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
22782 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
22786 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
22789 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
22790 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
22791 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
22792 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
22793 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
22794 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
22795 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
22798 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
22801 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
22802 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
22804 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
22805 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
22806 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
22807 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
22809 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22811 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
22812 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
22813 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
22814 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22816 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
22817 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
22818 win -- or even how you won.
22821 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
22822 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
22825 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
22826 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
22827 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
22828 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22830 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
22833 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
22834 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
22835 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
22837 I had a dream last night...
22838 I dreamt about 1976.
22839 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
22840 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
22841 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
22842 so I went back to sleep again.
22843 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
22845 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
22846 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
22847 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
22848 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
22849 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
22850 dinner and I let it go.
22851 -- Winston Churchill
22853 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
22854 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
22858 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
22859 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
22860 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
22862 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
22863 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
22867 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
22868 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
22869 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
22870 power to make things different is a bitch.
22873 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
22874 so I took his shoes.
22877 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
22878 implement a PL/1 compiler.
22881 I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
22882 Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
22885 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
22887 I hate babies. They're so human.
22893 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
22894 it's going to be up all night.
22897 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
22898 and I know how bad I am.
22902 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
22904 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
22905 there's nothing else to do.
22908 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
22909 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
22912 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
22913 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
22914 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
22915 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
22916 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
22917 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
22918 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
22919 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
22920 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
22923 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
22924 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
22925 and just keeps on typing.
22928 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
22929 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
22930 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
22931 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
22933 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
22934 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
22935 I just... to make a long story short..."
22938 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
22939 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
22941 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
22942 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
22946 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
22947 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
22948 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
22949 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
22951 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
22952 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
22953 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
22954 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
22955 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
22957 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
22958 I spent last summer folding it.
22959 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
22962 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
22965 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
22966 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
22967 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
22970 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
22972 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
22973 but I can't prove it.
22975 I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
22978 I have a very strange feeling about this...
22981 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
22982 sacrifice my wife's brother.
22985 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
22986 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
22987 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
22989 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
22992 I have become me without my consent.
22994 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
22995 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
22996 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
22998 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
23000 -- George Bernard Shaw
23002 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
23003 to sit still in a room.
23006 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
23007 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
23008 -- Camillo Di Cavour
23010 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
23011 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
23012 support of the woman I love.
23013 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
23014 of the British throne in order to marry the American
23015 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
23017 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
23018 most of them are trash.
23021 I have gained this by philosophy:
23022 that I do without being commanded what others
23023 do only from fear of the law.
23026 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
23029 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
23030 of a prostate operation.
23031 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
23033 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
23036 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
23037 I do believe that is a record.
23038 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
23040 I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
23041 sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
23042 eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
23043 have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
23044 beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
23045 guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
23046 of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
23049 I have learned silence from the talkative,
23050 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
23054 To spell hors d'oeuvres
23055 Which still grates on
23056 Some people's n'oeuvres.
23059 I have lots of things in my pockets;
23060 None of them is worth anything.
23061 Sociopolitical whines aside,
23062 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
23063 The price of half a gallon
23065 And most of the bus fare home.
23067 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
23068 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
23069 -- James Gordon Bennett
23071 I have made this letter longer than usual
23072 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
23075 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
23077 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
23079 -- from "Cerebus" #82
23081 I have never been one to sacrifice
23082 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
23083 -- A. M. Readyhough
23085 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
23088 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
23091 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
23092 gone in two years. He was half right.
23093 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
23095 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
23098 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
23099 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
23103 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
23104 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
23107 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
23108 As seas of ink I spatter.
23109 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
23110 The other kind don't matter.
23111 -- Robert W. Service
23113 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
23114 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
23115 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
23116 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
23118 I have not yet begun to byte!
23120 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
23123 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
23124 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
23125 be blockhead enough to have me.
23128 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
23131 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
23134 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
23135 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
23136 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
23137 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
23138 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
23139 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
23140 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
23141 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
23142 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
23143 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
23144 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
23145 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
23146 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
23147 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
23148 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
23149 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
23150 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
23151 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
23152 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
23153 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
23154 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
23155 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
23156 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
23157 be economized by the aid of machinery.
23158 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
23160 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
23161 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
23163 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
23165 I have that old biological urge,
23166 I have that old irresistible surge,
23169 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
23172 I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
23173 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
23175 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
23178 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
23179 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
23180 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
23181 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
23182 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
23183 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
23184 science of data processing), c. 1957
23186 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
23187 -- John D. Rockefeller
23189 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
23190 at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
23193 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
23195 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
23197 I hear the sound that the machines make,
23198 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
23200 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
23202 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
23203 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
23204 more than he knows.
23205 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23207 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
23208 -- Thomas Jefferson
23210 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
23211 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
23212 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
23213 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
23215 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
23216 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
23217 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
23218 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
23220 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
23222 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
23223 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
23225 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
23228 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
23232 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
23233 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
23234 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
23235 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
23236 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
23238 I just got out of the hospital after a
23239 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
23242 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
23245 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
23248 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
23249 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
23250 -- Arturo Toscanini
23252 I knew her before she was a virgin.
23253 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
23255 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
23256 If I could just remember what it was.
23258 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
23259 take one along that worked.
23260 -- Raymond Chandler
23262 I know if you been talkin' you done said
23263 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
23264 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
23265 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
23266 But don't you get square!
23267 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
23268 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
23270 I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
23272 I know not how I came into this,
23273 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
23276 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
23277 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
23280 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
23283 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
23284 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
23287 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
23288 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
23289 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
23291 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
23292 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
23295 I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
23296 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
23297 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
23298 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
23299 one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
23300 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
23302 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
23303 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
23306 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
23307 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
23309 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
23311 I lately lost a preposition;
23312 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
23313 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
23314 Up from out of under there."
23316 Correctness is my vade mecum,
23317 And straggling phrases I abhor,
23318 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
23319 Up from out of under for?"
23322 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
23323 Waitin' for the double E.
23324 The railroad don't run no more.
23325 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
23326 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
23327 These young girls won't let me be,
23328 Lord have mercy on me!
23331 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
23332 Well, I ain't naming names.
23333 But she really worked me over good,
23334 She was just like Jesse James.
23335 She really worked me over good,
23336 She was a credit to her gender.
23337 She put me through some changes, boy,
23338 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
23340 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
23341 She asked me if I'd beat her.
23342 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
23343 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
23344 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
23346 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
23347 didn't is just lyin'!
23350 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
23353 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
23354 that kidnaped Europa.
23355 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
23357 I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
23358 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
23360 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
23361 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
23362 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
23363 the way and let them have it.
23364 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
23366 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
23368 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
23371 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
23373 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
23375 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
23376 to bite people themselves.
23377 -- August Strindberg
23379 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
23380 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
23383 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
23384 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23387 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
23388 someone takes them away.
23391 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
23392 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
23394 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
23397 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
23400 I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
23401 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
23402 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
23404 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
23405 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
23407 I love to eat them Smurfies
23408 Smurfies what I love to eat
23409 Bite they ugly heads off,
23410 Nibble on they bluish feet.
23412 I love treason but hate a traitor.
23413 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
23415 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
23418 I love you, not only for what you are,
23419 but for what I am when I am with you.
23422 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
23423 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
23425 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
23427 I married beneath me. All women do.
23428 -- Lady Nancy Astor
23430 I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
23431 don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
23433 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
23435 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
23437 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
23440 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
23441 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
23443 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
23444 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
23446 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
23447 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
23450 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
23454 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
23455 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
23456 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
23458 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
23459 -- Alexander Woollcott
23461 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
23462 week sometimes to make it up.
23463 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
23465 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
23467 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
23468 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
23469 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
23470 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
23473 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
23474 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
23475 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
23476 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
23477 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
23479 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
23480 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
23482 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
23484 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
23487 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
23488 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
23492 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
23493 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
23494 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
23496 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
23497 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
23500 I never did it that way before.
23502 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
23503 places they do today.
23506 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
23507 could do was to go away.
23509 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
23512 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
23515 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
23518 I never made a mistake in my life.
23519 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
23522 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
23523 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
23525 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
23527 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
23529 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
23530 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
23532 I never saw a purple cow
23533 I never hope to see one
23534 But I can tell you anyhow
23535 I'd rather see than be one.
23538 I've never seen a purple cow
23539 I never hope to see one
23540 But from the milk we're getting now
23541 There certainly must be one
23544 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
23545 I'm sorry now I wrote it
23546 But I can tell you anyhow
23547 I'll kill you if you quote it.
23548 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
23550 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
23552 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
23555 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
23556 -- George Bernard Shaw
23558 I only know what I read in the papers.
23561 I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
23562 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
23564 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
23565 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
23566 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
23567 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
23568 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
23569 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
23570 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
23571 -- Letters From Colette
23574 It's off to work I go...
23576 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
23580 I owe the public nothing.
23583 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
23584 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
23585 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
23586 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
23587 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
23588 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
23590 -- Thomas Jefferson
23592 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
23593 kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
23594 substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
23595 restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
23596 made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
23597 powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
23599 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
23601 I pledge allegiance to the flag
23602 of the United States of America
23603 and to the republic for which it stands,
23607 and justice for all.
23608 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
23610 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
23613 I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
23615 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
23616 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
23618 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
23621 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
23624 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
23625 -- William F. Buckley
23627 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
23628 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
23631 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
23632 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
23633 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
23634 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
23635 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
23636 aspire to crudeness.
23637 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
23639 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
23642 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
23643 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
23644 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
23645 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
23647 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
23648 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
23651 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
23652 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
23654 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
23657 I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
23658 the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
23659 congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
23660 so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
23663 But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
23664 as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
23665 the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
23666 win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
23667 write about, such as nose-picking.
23668 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
23671 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
23672 -- Marilyn Chambers
23674 I really hate this damned machine
23675 I wish that they would sell it.
23676 It never does quite what I want
23677 But only what I tell it.
23679 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
23680 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
23681 something of what has been passing in their time.
23682 -- Thomas Jefferson
23684 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
23685 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
23686 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
23689 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
23690 believing that some men are my equals.
23693 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
23695 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
23696 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
23697 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
23698 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
23699 the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
23700 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
23701 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
23702 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
23705 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
23706 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
23707 and didn't come back for 20 years.
23709 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
23713 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
23714 looks like I'm the only one moving.
23717 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
23720 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
23721 woman should marry -- and no man.
23722 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
23724 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
23725 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
23726 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
23727 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
23728 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
23729 if they don't get it.
23732 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
23733 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
23735 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
23736 'Round and round they sped.
23737 I was disturbed at this,
23738 I accosted the man,
23739 "It is futile," I said.
23741 "You lie!" He cried,
23745 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
23748 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
23749 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
23752 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
23754 I see a bad moon rising.
23755 I see trouble on the way.
23756 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
23757 I see bad times today.
23758 Don't go 'round tonight,
23759 It's bound to take your life.
23760 There's a bad moon on the rise.
23761 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
23763 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
23764 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
23767 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
23768 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
23769 Bernoulli would have been content to die
23770 Had he but known such _
\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
23771 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
23773 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
23774 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
23775 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
23776 -- The Best of Will Rogers
23778 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
23779 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
23780 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
23781 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
23782 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
23783 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
23784 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
23785 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
23786 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
23787 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
23789 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
23790 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
23792 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
23793 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
23795 "Through the Looking-Glass,
23796 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
23798 I sent a message to another time,
23799 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
23800 I sent a message to another plane,
23801 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
23803 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
23804 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
23805 She's only programmed to be very nice,
23806 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
23807 She tells me that she likes me very much,
23808 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
23810 I realize that it must seem so strange,
23811 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
23812 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
23813 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
23814 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
23816 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
23817 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
23819 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
23821 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
23822 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
23823 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
23824 that matters, but victory.
23827 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
23828 -- graffito in Los Angeles
23832 -- graffito in San Francisco
23834 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
23835 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
23838 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
23839 most western countries.
23844 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
23845 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
23848 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
23853 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
23855 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
23856 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
23858 I stick my neck out for nobody.
23859 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
23861 I stood on the leading edge,
23862 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
23863 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
23864 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
23865 Go on and give it a try,
23866 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
23867 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
23869 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
23870 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
23873 I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
23876 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
23877 too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
23878 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
23879 much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
23881 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
23883 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
23884 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
23885 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
23886 That needs a helping hand,
23887 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
23888 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
23890 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
23891 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
23892 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
23893 are worth considering, to wit:
23896 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
23897 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
23900 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
23901 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
23902 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
23906 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
23909 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
23910 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
23911 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
23912 are worth considering, to wit:
23915 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
23916 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
23917 a U-turn on a divided highway."
23920 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
23921 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
23922 traveling more than 60 MPH."
23924 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
23925 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
23926 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
23927 are worth considering, to wit:
23930 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
23931 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
23934 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
23935 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
23936 a 5' parking space."
23939 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
23940 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
23942 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
23943 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
23945 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
23946 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
23947 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
23949 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
23950 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
23951 munchies, and ate the other half.
23953 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
23954 bottle stuck up my nose.
23955 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23957 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
23958 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
23960 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
23961 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
23962 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
23963 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23965 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
23966 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
23967 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
23968 -- Rodney Dangerfield
23970 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
23973 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
23974 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
23977 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
23978 -- William Shakespeare
23980 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
23981 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
23983 I think it is true for all _
\bn. I was just playing it safe with _
\bn >= 3
23984 because I couldn't remember the proof.
23985 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
23987 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
23988 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
23990 I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
23992 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
23993 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
23994 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
23996 I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
23997 and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
23998 country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
23999 in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
24000 not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
24003 I think that I shall never hear
24004 A poem lovelier than beer.
24005 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
24006 With golden base and snowy cap.
24007 The stuff that I can drink all day
24008 Until my mem'ry melts away.
24009 Poems are made by fools, I fear
24010 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
24012 I think that I shall never see
24013 A billboard lovely as a tree.
24014 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
24015 I'll never see a tree at all.
24018 I think that I shall never see
24019 A thing as lovely as a tree.
24020 But as you see the trees have gone
24021 They went this morning with the dawn.
24022 A logging firm from out of town
24023 Came and chopped the trees all down.
24024 But I will trick those dirty skunks
24025 And write a brand new poem called "Trunks."
24027 I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
24028 to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
24029 farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
24030 into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
24031 the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
24032 off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
24033 color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
24034 out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
24035 singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
24036 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
24038 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
24039 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
24042 I think the world is run by C students.
24045 I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
24046 could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
24047 -- Jordan K. Hubbard
24049 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
24050 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
24051 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
24053 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24055 I think, therefore I am... I think.
24057 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
24058 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
24060 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
24062 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24064 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
24067 I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
24068 ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
24069 we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
24070 When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
24071 are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
24072 driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
24073 Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
24074 were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
24076 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
24078 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
24079 -- The Firesign Theatre
24081 I think we're in trouble.
24084 I think your opinions are reasonable,
24085 except for the one about my mental instability.
24086 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
24088 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
24089 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
24090 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
24091 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
24092 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
24093 They had so much in common, you'd say.
24094 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
24095 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
24096 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
24097 She sent one from some past high school day,
24098 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
24099 If they hadn't met in L.A.
24100 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
24101 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
24102 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
24103 If you were not so totally weird!"
24104 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
24105 And he had not done just the same,
24106 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
24107 And would not have had fun with the game.
24109 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
24111 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
24113 -- The Firesign Theatre,
24114 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
24116 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
24118 I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
24119 pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
24120 -- Winston Churchill
24122 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
24123 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
24127 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
24128 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
24130 -- Madeleine Gobeil
24132 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
24133 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
24134 and drown myself in the noise.
24135 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
24137 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
24138 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
24140 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
24143 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
24144 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
24146 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
24147 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
24148 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
24150 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
24151 I never have to go upstairs.
24153 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
24154 front of it in only eight minutes.
24157 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
24160 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
24163 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
24166 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
24167 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
24168 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
24169 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
24170 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
24171 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
24175 I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
24177 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
24180 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
24183 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
24184 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
24185 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
24186 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
24187 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
24188 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24189 No more, Mr. Clean,
24190 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
24191 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
24193 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
24194 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
24195 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
24196 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
24197 And punched me in the nose, he said,
24199 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
24200 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
24202 I used to have a drinking problem.
24203 Now I love the stuff.
24205 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
24206 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
24208 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
24209 like I'm the only one moving.
24211 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
24212 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
24213 to be out that long."
24215 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
24216 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
24219 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
24220 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
24221 more mature than I am.
24223 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
24225 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
24226 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
24227 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
24230 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
24231 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
24234 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
24238 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
24239 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
24240 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
24241 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
24245 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
24247 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
24248 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
24250 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
24251 Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
24253 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
24255 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
24258 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
24260 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
24261 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
24262 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
24263 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
24264 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
24265 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
24267 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
24269 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
24270 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
24273 I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
24274 anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
24275 a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
24279 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
24280 Trouble I love and peace I despise
24281 Wild horses kicked me in my side
24282 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
24285 I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
24286 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
24287 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
24288 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
24289 get off my driveway.
24292 I was eatin' some chop suey,
24293 With a lady in St. Louie,
24294 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
24295 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
24296 Roll this rocker out some money,
24297 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
24300 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
24301 I said I didn't know.
24304 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
24305 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
24306 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
24307 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
24308 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
24309 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
24310 that all the time."
24311 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
24313 I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
24314 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
24317 I was in accord with the system so long as it
24318 permitted me to function effectively.
24321 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
24322 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
24323 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
24324 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
24325 avoiding the beach.
24326 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
24328 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
24329 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
24332 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
24333 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
24334 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
24335 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
24336 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
24337 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
24338 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
24339 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
24340 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
24341 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
24342 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
24344 I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
24345 their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
24346 buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
24347 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
24349 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
24350 full house and four people died.
24353 I was the best I ever had.
24356 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
24359 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
24360 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
24361 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
24362 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
24363 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
24365 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
24368 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
24371 I went home with a waitress,
24372 The way I always do.
24373 How I was I to know?
24374 She was with the Russians too.
24376 I was gambling in Havana,
24377 I took a little risk.
24378 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
24379 Dad, get me out of this.
24380 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
24382 I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
24385 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
24386 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
24390 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
24391 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
24392 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
24393 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
24394 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
24395 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
24396 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
24397 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
24398 program to the point where it would not run at all.
24399 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
24400 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
24402 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
24403 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
24405 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
24406 As if you just squashed a cop.
24407 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
24409 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
24413 I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
24414 questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
24415 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
24417 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
24421 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
24422 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
24423 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
24424 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
24426 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
24427 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
24429 There was a computer in every doorknob.
24432 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
24433 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
24435 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
24437 I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
24438 the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
24442 I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
24443 statues that are in all the other museums.
24446 I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
24447 it took seven others to beat him!
24449 I will always love the false image I had of you.
24451 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
24452 but not into it if I can help it.
24453 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
24455 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
24456 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
24457 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
24458 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
24459 writing on this stone!
24462 I will make you shorter by the head.
24465 I will never lie to you.
24467 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
24471 I will not get drunk!
24473 I will not in public!
24475 I will not fall down!
24477 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
24479 I will not forget you.
24481 I will not play at tug o' war.
24482 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
24483 Where everyone hugs
24485 Where everyone giggles
24486 And rolls on the rug,
24487 Where everyone kisses,
24488 And everyone grins,
24489 And everyone cuddles,
24491 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
24493 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
24497 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
24498 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
24501 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
24503 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24505 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
24506 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
24510 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
24512 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
24514 I woke up a feelin' mean
24515 went down to play the slot machine
24516 the wheels turned round,
24517 and the letters read
24518 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
24521 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
24522 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
24523 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
24524 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
24527 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
24528 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
24529 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
24530 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
24533 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
24534 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
24536 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
24537 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
24540 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
24541 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
24542 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
24543 after we've been home a long while.
24546 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
24547 only they won't let me raise my voice.
24550 I would have made a good pope.
24551 -- Richard M. Nixon
24553 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
24554 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
24555 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
24558 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
24559 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
24560 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
24561 forget or do not know.
24562 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
24564 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
24565 referring to image activation and termination.]
24567 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
24568 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
24569 our tasks will be solved.
24570 -- Warren G. Harding
24572 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
24573 with income tax policies.
24574 -- William F. Buckley
24576 I would like to know
24577 What I was fencing in
24578 And what I was fencing out.
24581 I would much rather have men ask why
24582 I have no statue, than why I have one.
24583 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
24585 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
24586 they're being taped.
24587 -- Richard M. Nixon
24589 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
24590 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
24592 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
24593 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
24594 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
24596 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
24597 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
24599 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
24601 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
24603 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
24604 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
24605 -- Hunter S. Thompson
24607 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
24609 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
24610 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
24627 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
24628 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
24629 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
24630 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
24631 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
24632 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
24636 Idiots Become Managers
24638 Impossible to Buy Machine
24639 Incredibly Big Machine
24640 Industry's Biggest Mistake
24641 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
24642 It Boggles the Mind
24643 It's Better Manually
24644 Itty-Bitty Machines
24646 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
24647 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
24648 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
24651 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
24652 And everywhere this language went,
24653 It was a total loss.
24655 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
24657 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
24658 Machines should work. People should think.
24660 IBM's original motto:
24661 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
24663 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
24666 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
24668 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
24670 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
24673 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
24674 -- Princess Leia Organa
24676 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
24677 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
24679 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24681 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
24683 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
24684 whole field to private industry.
24687 I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
24690 I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
24693 I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
24696 I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
24698 I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
24701 I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
24704 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
24705 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
24707 I'd never cry if I did find
24708 A blue whale in my soup...
24709 Nor would I mind a porcupine
24710 Inside a chicken coop.
24711 Yes life is fine when things combine,
24712 Like ham in beef chow mein...
24713 But lord, this time I think I mind,
24714 They've put acid in my rain.
24717 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
24720 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
24721 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
24724 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
24726 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
24728 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
24731 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
24733 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
24736 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
24738 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
24739 Than cry with the saints,
24740 The sinners are much more fun!
24741 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
24743 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
24745 Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
24746 solitary confinement.
24748 Identify your visitor.
24751 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
24752 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
24753 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
24756 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
24757 affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
24758 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
24761 Leisure gone to seed.
24763 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
24765 If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
24766 and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
24767 shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
24768 well that would be enough immortality for me.
24769 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
24771 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
24774 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
24775 at about 30 miles/second.
24776 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
24778 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
24781 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
24782 is a camel's behind.
24783 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
24785 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
24787 If A equals success, then the formula is _
\bA = _
\bX + _
\bY + _
\bZ. _
\bX is work. _
\bY
24788 is play. _
\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
24791 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
24794 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
24795 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
24798 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
24799 really a guru at all?
24800 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
24802 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
24803 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
24804 -- Joseph C. Goulden
24806 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
24807 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
24808 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
24809 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
24811 If a listener nods his head when you're
24812 explaining your program, wake him up.
24814 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
24815 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
24817 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
24820 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
24821 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
24823 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
24824 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
24825 -- Albert Schweitzer
24827 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
24828 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
24829 it might well prolong his life.
24830 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
24832 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
24833 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
24834 -- Thomas Jefferson
24836 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
24837 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
24838 will lose that, too.
24839 -- W. Somerset Maugham
24841 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
24842 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
24843 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
24844 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
24846 If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
24848 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
24849 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
24850 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
24851 gravity supersedes the law of golf.
24854 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
24855 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
24858 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
24859 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
24860 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
24862 If a system is administered wisely,
24863 its users will be content.
24864 They enjoy hacking their code
24865 and don't waste time implementing
24866 labor-saving shell scripts.
24867 Since they dearly love their accounts,
24868 they aren't interested in other machines.
24869 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
24870 but these don't access any hosts.
24871 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
24872 but nobody ever uses them.
24873 People enjoy reading their mail,
24874 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
24875 spend weekends working at their terminals,
24876 delight in the doings at the site.
24877 And even though the next system is so close
24878 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
24879 they are content to die of old age
24880 without ever having gone to see it.
24882 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
24883 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
24884 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
24885 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
24886 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
24889 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
24890 -- G. K. Chesterton
24892 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
24895 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
24897 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
24898 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
24899 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
24902 If all be true that I do think,
24903 There be five reasons why one should drink;
24904 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
24905 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
24906 Or any other reason why.
24908 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
24909 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
24911 If all else fails, lower your standards.
24913 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
24915 If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
24916 platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
24917 that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
24919 If all the seas were ink,
24920 And all the reeds were pens,
24921 And all the skies were parchment,
24922 And all the men could write,
24923 These would not suffice
24924 To write down all the red tape
24925 Of this Government.
24927 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
24930 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
24931 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
24934 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
24935 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
24936 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
24937 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
24938 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
24939 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
24940 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
24941 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
24942 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
24944 If an S and an I and an O and a U
24945 With an X at the end spell Su;
24946 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
24947 Pray what is a speller to do?
24948 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
24949 And an HED spell side,
24950 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
24951 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
24952 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
24954 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
24955 car he ever lays down in front of.
24958 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
24959 let him become president of Harvard.
24962 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
24963 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
24964 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
24965 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
24967 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
24969 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24971 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
24973 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
24975 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
24977 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
24980 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
24981 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
24984 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
24986 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
24988 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
24989 -- Leonard Levinson
24991 If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
24993 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
24994 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
24995 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
24996 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
24997 plentiful as blackberries.
25000 If bankers can count, how come they have
25001 eight windows and only four tellers?
25003 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
25004 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
25005 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
25007 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
25008 but illegal purposes.
25011 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
25013 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
25016 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
25020 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
25022 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
25026 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
25028 If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
25030 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
25031 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
25033 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
25035 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
25036 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
25038 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
25040 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
25041 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
25042 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
25044 If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
25045 around a deal faster.
25046 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll,
25047 "Through the Looking-Glass,
25048 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
25050 If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
25052 If everything on the road of life seems to
25053 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25055 If everything seems to be going well,
25056 you have obviously overlooked something.
25058 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
25059 -- Bertrand Russell
25061 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
25063 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
25064 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
25065 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
25066 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
25067 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
25068 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
25071 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
25072 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
25074 If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
25077 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
25079 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
25081 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
25083 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
25085 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
25087 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
25089 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
25090 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
25092 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
25094 If God had not given us sticky tape,
25095 it would have been necessary to invent it.
25097 If God had really intended men to fly,
25098 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
25101 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
25102 have made them cute and furry.
25105 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
25108 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
25109 He would have given you bigger hands.
25111 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
25112 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
25114 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
25116 If God is One, what is bad?
25119 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
25121 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
25124 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
25127 If God wanted us to have a President,
25128 He would have sent us a candidate.
25129 -- Jerry Dreshfield
25131 If graphics hackers are so smart,
25132 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
25134 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
25137 If he had only learnt a little less, how
25138 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
25140 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
25141 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
25142 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
25143 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
25145 If he should ever change his faith,
25146 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
25148 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
25149 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
25151 If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
25154 If I could read your mind, love,
25155 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
25156 Just like a paperback novel,
25157 The kind the drugstore sells,
25158 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
25159 The hero would be me,
25161 You won't read that book again, because
25162 the ending is just too hard to take.
25164 I walk away, like a movie star,
25165 Who gets burned in a three way script,
25167 A movie queen to play the scene
25168 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
25169 But for now, love, let's be real
25170 I never thought I could act this way,
25171 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
25172 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
25173 And I just can't get it back...
25174 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
25176 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
25177 I would spill it all over the stage.
25178 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
25179 Would you think the boy was strange?
25182 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
25183 Suicide right on the stage,
25184 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
25185 Would it help to ease the pain?
25187 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
25189 If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
25192 If I don't drive around the park,
25193 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
25194 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
25195 I may get back my looks again.
25196 If I abstain from fun and such,
25197 I'll probably amount to much;
25198 But I shall stay the way I am,
25199 Because I do not give a damn.
25202 If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
25204 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
25205 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
25206 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
25207 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
25208 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
25210 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
25212 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
25213 got to be a better way.
25214 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
25216 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
25217 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
25218 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
25220 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
25223 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
25224 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
25227 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
25228 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
25230 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
25231 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
25232 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
25233 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
25234 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
25235 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
25236 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
25237 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
25238 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
25239 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
25240 without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
25241 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
25242 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
25243 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
25244 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
25245 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
25247 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
25250 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
25251 -- Tallulah Bankhead
25253 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
25255 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
25256 shoulders of giants.
25259 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
25260 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
25263 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
25267 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
25270 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
25271 stand on each other's toes.
25274 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
25275 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
25276 software engineers dig each other's graves.
25279 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
25282 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
25283 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
25284 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
25286 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
25287 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
25289 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
25290 just couldn't help myself.
25293 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
25294 -- Alan Parsons Project
25296 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
25297 I'm an engineer working on something.
25300 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
25302 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
25303 As Dame Fortune did intend,
25304 Murphy would be there to tell me
25305 The pot's at the other end.
25308 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
25310 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
25311 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
25314 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
25315 because I can't swim.
25318 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
25319 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
25322 If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
25324 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
25327 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
25328 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
25330 If in doubt, mumble.
25332 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
25334 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
25336 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
25337 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
25339 If it happens once, it's a bug.
25340 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
25341 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
25343 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
25345 If it heals good, say it.
25347 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
25348 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
25351 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
25353 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
25356 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
25359 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
25361 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
25363 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
25365 If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
25366 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
25368 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
25369 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
25370 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
25371 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
25372 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
25375 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
25377 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
25379 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
25381 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
25383 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
25385 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
25386 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
25390 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
25391 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
25392 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
25393 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
25394 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
25395 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
25396 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
25397 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
25399 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
25400 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
25401 -- Karl Marx's Mother
25403 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
25405 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
25407 If life is merely a joke, the question
25408 still remains: for whose amusement?
25410 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
25412 If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
25415 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
25416 you've got in the house.
25417 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
25419 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
25422 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
25423 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
25425 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
25428 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
25430 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
25431 -- Mary Wilson Little
25433 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
25434 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
25436 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
25437 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
25440 If men are not afraid to die,
25441 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
25443 If men live in constant fear of dying,
25444 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
25445 Who will dare to break the law?
25447 There is always an official executioner.
25448 If you try to take his place,
25449 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
25450 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
25451 you will only hurt your hand.
25452 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
25454 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
25456 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
25457 be a merrier world.
25458 -- J. R. R. Tolkien
25460 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
25461 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
25462 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
25463 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
25465 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
25466 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
25469 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
25470 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
25471 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
25472 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
25473 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
25474 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
25475 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
25476 get an unfair advantage.
25477 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
25479 If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
25482 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
25484 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
25486 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
25489 If only God would give me some clear sign!
25490 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
25491 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
25493 If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
25495 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
25497 If only you knew she loved you, you could
25498 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
25500 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
25502 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
25503 -- George Bernard Shaw
25505 If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
25506 he should see how bad it is with representation.
25508 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
25509 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
25512 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
25513 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
25516 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
25517 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
25519 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
25521 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
25522 will take sandwiches.
25525 Eats first, morals after.
25526 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
25528 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
25529 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
25532 If people see that you mean them no harm,
25533 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
25535 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
25537 If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
25538 Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
25539 an optional preceding '+').
25542 The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
25543 (i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
25546 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
25547 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
25549 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
25551 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
25553 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
25555 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
25558 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
25560 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
25561 Eating components of soured milk.
25562 On at least one occasion,
25563 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
25564 Or at least in her vicinity,
25565 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
25566 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
25567 -- Ann Melugin Williams
25569 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
25570 pool cues, who would win?
25573 3) The television viewing public
25576 If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
25579 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
25580 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
25581 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
25582 the use of the mathematics of probability.
25585 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
25589 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
25591 Their romance might have flourished.
25592 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
25594 Love could not help but die,
25595 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
25597 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
25600 If some people didn't tell you,
25601 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
25603 If someone had told me I would be Pope
25604 one day, I would have studied harder.
25605 -- Pope John Paul I
25607 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
25609 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
25610 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
25612 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
25615 If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
25616 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
25618 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
25619 presumably flunk it.
25622 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
25623 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
25624 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
25625 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
25627 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
25628 this would be a better world.
25629 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
25631 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
25634 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
25635 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
25636 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
25637 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
25638 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
25639 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
25640 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
25641 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
25642 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
25643 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
25644 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
25645 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
25646 put on a professor.
25647 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
25649 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
25650 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
25651 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
25653 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
25655 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
25658 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
25659 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
25662 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
25664 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
25667 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
25668 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
25670 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
25671 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
25673 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
25674 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
25676 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
25677 consider what may be fertilizing it.
25679 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
25680 we would be so simple we couldn't.
25682 If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
25684 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
25686 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
25687 I would have recommended something simpler.
25688 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
25689 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
25691 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
25692 the lives of both have been wasted.
25694 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
25695 then this sentence would not be false.
25697 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
25698 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
25701 If the odds are a million to one against something
25702 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
25704 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
25707 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
25708 what a living the poor could make!
25710 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
25712 If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
25713 the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
25716 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
25718 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
25719 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
25720 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
25721 paper folding, or something.
25724 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
25725 -- Chief Dan George
25727 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
25728 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
25729 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
25730 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
25731 -- Reverend Chichester
25733 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
25735 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
25736 will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
25738 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
25739 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
25743 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
25744 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
25746 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
25747 can't afford divorce.
25750 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
25753 If there is no wind, row.
25756 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
25757 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
25760 If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
25762 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
25763 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
25764 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
25765 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
25767 If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
25768 something out of you.
25771 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
25773 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
25774 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
25775 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
25779 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
25780 him because they don't like his necktie.
25781 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
25783 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
25785 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
25787 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
25790 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
25792 If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
25795 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
25798 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
25799 doing the thinking.
25800 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
25802 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
25804 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
25806 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
25807 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
25808 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
25810 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
25811 -- Ernest Hemingway
25813 If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
25815 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
25816 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
25818 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
25820 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
25821 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
25823 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
25824 all be millionaires.
25825 -- Abigail Van Buren
25827 If we do not change our direction we are
25828 likely to end up where we are headed.
25830 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
25833 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
25837 If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
25838 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
25839 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
25840 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
25843 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
25844 It's the light of an oncoming train.
25847 If we spoke a different language, we
25848 would perceive a somewhat different world.
25851 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
25852 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
25855 If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
25857 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
25860 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
25862 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
25864 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
25866 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
25867 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
25868 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
25869 -- Marguerite Emmons
25871 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
25873 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
25874 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
25875 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
25876 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
25879 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
25880 -- Aristotle Onassis
25882 If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
25883 Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
25884 than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
25887 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
25888 Quit work and play for once!
25890 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
25893 If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
25894 -- Ann Edwards-Duff
25896 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
25897 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
25900 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
25903 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
25905 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
25906 good, you will get out of it.
25908 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
25909 your honesty is corrupt.
25911 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
25912 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
25913 -- Abigail Van Buren
25915 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
25916 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
25919 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
25920 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
25922 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
25924 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
25925 by your parents, we will cash your check.
25927 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
25928 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
25931 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
25932 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
25934 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
25936 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
25938 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
25939 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
25941 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
25944 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
25946 If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
25949 If you can read this, you're too close.
25951 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
25953 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
25956 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
25957 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
25958 -- Edwin Schrodinger
25960 If you can't be good, be careful.
25961 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
25963 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
25965 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
25967 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
25969 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
25970 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
25972 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
25974 If you catch a man, throw him back.
25975 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
25977 If you continually give you will continually have.
25979 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
25980 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
25982 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
25984 If you didn't have most of your friends,
25985 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
25987 If you didn't have to work so hard,
25988 you'd have more time to be depressed.
25990 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
25993 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
25994 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
25997 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
25999 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
26001 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
26003 -- Mordecai Richler
26005 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
26006 would have happened if you had done it.
26008 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
26010 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
26012 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
26015 If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
26018 If you don't have the time right now,
26019 will you have redo right time later?
26021 If you don't have time to do it right, where
26022 are you going to find the time to do it over?
26024 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
26026 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
26028 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
26031 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
26032 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
26034 If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
26035 Lavoris in the toilet.
26038 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
26040 If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
26041 either of you for the rest of the day.
26043 If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
26044 have to get a toehold in the public eye.
26046 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
26047 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
26048 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
26049 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
26050 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
26051 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
26052 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
26053 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
26054 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
26055 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
26056 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
26057 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
26058 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
26059 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
26060 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
26061 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
26062 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
26063 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
26064 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
26067 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
26070 If you explain something so clearly that no
26071 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
26073 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
26075 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
26076 the solution may become your next problem.
26078 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
26080 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
26081 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
26082 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
26084 If you fool around with something long
26085 enough, it will eventually break.
26087 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
26089 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
26090 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
26091 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
26093 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
26094 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
26095 -- Winston Churchill
26097 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
26098 so as not to disturb those around you.
26100 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
26101 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
26105 If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
26107 If you had better tools, you could more
26108 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
26110 If you had just one moment to live
26111 And they granted you one special wish
26112 Would you ask for something
26113 Like another chance.
26114 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
26116 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
26117 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
26119 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
26121 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
26124 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
26126 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
26127 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
26128 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
26129 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
26130 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
26131 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
26132 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
26133 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
26134 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
26135 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
26137 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
26139 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
26142 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
26144 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
26147 If you have to hate, hate gently.
26149 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
26151 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
26152 in chartered accountancy beckons.
26153 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
26156 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
26157 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
26160 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
26161 yourself in the posterior.
26162 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
26164 If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
26166 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
26170 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
26172 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
26175 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
26178 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
26179 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
26182 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
26183 365 useless things.
26185 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
26188 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
26190 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
26193 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
26194 -- Simone De Beauvoir
26196 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
26197 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
26200 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
26201 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
26202 -- Garrison Keillor
26204 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
26205 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
26207 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
26208 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
26210 If you lose a son you can always get another,
26211 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
26212 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
26214 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
26215 he'll get rich or famous or both.
26217 If you love someone, set them free.
26218 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
26220 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
26221 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
26223 If you make a mistake you right it
26224 immediately to the best of your ability.
26226 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
26227 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
26228 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26230 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
26231 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
26233 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
26234 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
26237 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
26240 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
26241 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
26243 If you need anything just whistle.
26244 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
26245 Just put your lips together and blow.
26246 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
26248 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
26249 they must not be deceiving you very well.
26251 If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
26254 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
26255 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
26258 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
26259 you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
26262 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
26263 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
26266 If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
26267 this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
26268 somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
26270 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
26272 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
26273 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
26274 is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
26277 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
26281 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
26282 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
26283 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
26284 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
26285 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
26286 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
26287 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
26290 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
26292 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
26294 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
26295 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
26296 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
26298 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
26300 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
26301 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
26302 -- Swami Prabhupada
26304 If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
26307 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
26309 If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
26311 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
26312 many it's research.
26315 If you stew apples like cranberries,
26316 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
26319 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
26320 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
26321 Or some joker who is slicker,
26322 Will trick you of your liquor,
26323 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
26325 If you stick your head in the sand,
26326 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
26328 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
26330 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
26334 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
26335 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
26338 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
26341 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
26343 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
26344 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
26346 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
26347 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
26349 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
26350 try missing a couple of car payments.
26353 If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
26354 don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
26357 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
26358 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
26361 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
26364 If you think the system is working,
26365 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
26367 If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
26368 shopping center in the world?
26369 -- Richard M. Nixon
26371 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
26372 lack sufficient imagination.
26374 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
26375 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
26376 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
26378 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
26379 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
26380 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
26381 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
26382 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
26384 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
26385 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
26386 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
26387 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
26388 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
26391 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
26392 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
26395 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
26396 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
26397 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
26399 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
26400 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
26402 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
26404 If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
26407 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
26408 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
26410 If you want divine justice, die.
26413 If you want me to be a good little bunny
26414 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
26417 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
26420 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
26421 read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
26424 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
26426 If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
26430 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
26433 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
26435 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
26439 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
26440 -- Harry Blackstone
26442 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
26443 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
26444 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
26445 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
26446 the word "National".
26449 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
26450 you say, talk in your sleep.
26452 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
26453 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
26454 even if they don't know what it means.
26455 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
26457 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
26459 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
26460 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
26463 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
26464 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
26465 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
26466 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
26469 If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
26471 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
26473 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
26474 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
26477 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
26478 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
26479 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
26480 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
26481 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
26482 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
26483 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
26484 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
26485 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
26486 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
26489 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
26491 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
26492 -- Benjamin Franklin
26494 If you would understand your own age, read the works
26495 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
26497 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
26498 Bed down with a pretty girl.
26501 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
26503 If your bread is stale, make toast.
26505 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
26506 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
26507 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
26509 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
26510 I guess you do have a problem.
26511 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
26513 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
26515 If your mind grows weak,
26516 Don't yield to the weakness.
26517 Even if tired of thought,
26518 Never stop thinking.
26519 My sons and descendants,
26520 Don't get exhausted in reason--
26521 But become experienced.
26522 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
26524 If your mother knew what you're doing,
26525 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
26527 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
26529 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
26530 longer be fantasies.
26533 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
26534 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
26537 If you're careful enough, nothing
26538 bad or good will ever happen to you.
26540 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
26541 The Olympics are over.
26543 If you're constantly being mistreated,
26544 you're cooperating with the treatment.
26546 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
26547 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
26549 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
26551 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
26552 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
26554 If you're going to do something tonight
26555 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
26558 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
26560 If you're happy, you're successful.
26562 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
26564 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
26565 -- Benjamin Disraeli
26567 If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
26569 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
26570 As well as by traffic and crime,
26571 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
26572 Though living on burrowed time.
26573 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
26575 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
26576 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
26577 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
26579 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
26583 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
26584 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
26585 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
26587 Ignorance is bliss.
26590 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
26591 BLISS is ignorance.
26593 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
26594 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
26595 -- Franklin K. Dane
26597 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
26599 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
26600 so resolutely pursuing it.
26602 Ignore previous fortune.
26604 Il brilgue: les t^
\boves libricilleux
26605 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
26606 Enm^
\bim'
\bes sont les gougebosquex,
26607 Et le m^
\bomerade horgrave.
26609 "Through the Looking-Glass,
26610 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
26613 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
26614 at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
26615 it. Neither will Iles.
26617 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
26620 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
26622 I'll burn my books.
26623 -- Christopher Marlowe
26625 I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
26626 carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
26627 I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
26628 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
26630 I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
26632 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
26634 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
26635 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
26636 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
26638 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
26639 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
26640 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
26641 And in our bound partition never part.
26642 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
26644 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
26645 I play just what I feel.
26646 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
26647 And die behind the wheel.
26648 They got a name for the winners in the world,
26649 I want a name when I lose.
26650 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
26651 Call me Deacon Blues.
26652 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
26654 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
26657 I'll never get off this planet.
26660 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
26662 I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
26663 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
26664 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
26666 I'll turn over a new leaf.
26667 -- Miguel de Cervantes
26669 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
26673 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
26676 Illegitimi non carborundum
26677 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
26679 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
26680 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
26682 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
26684 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
26687 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
26688 that I could have evolved from man.
26690 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
26691 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
26692 the idea of a doomsday machine.
26693 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
26694 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
26695 Ellen up a steep incline.
26696 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
26697 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
26698 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
26699 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
26700 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
26701 "I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
26702 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
26703 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
26704 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
26705 that Kirk talked strangely.
26706 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
26707 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
26708 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
26709 "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
26710 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
26711 physical exam to answer the alert.
26713 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
26714 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
26716 I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
26718 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
26719 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
26720 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
26722 I'm all for computer dating, but I
26723 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
26725 I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
26726 eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
26729 I'm always looking for a new idea that
26730 will be more productive than its cost.
26731 -- David Rockefeller
26734 But it's not what I really want to do.
26735 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
26736 I know what you're going to say --
26737 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
26738 All right! But it's what I want to do.
26739 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
26741 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
26744 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
26745 that I could have been created by man.
26747 I'm changing my name to Chrysler
26748 I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
26749 I'll tell some power broker
26750 What they did for Iacocca
26751 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
26752 I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
26753 I'm heading for that great receiving line.
26754 When they hand a million grand out,
26755 I'll be standing with my hand out,
26756 Yessir, I'll get mine!
26759 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
26761 "I'm dying," he croaked.
26762 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
26763 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
26764 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
26765 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
26766 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
26767 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
26768 "You snake," she rattled.
26769 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
26770 "Company's coming," she guessed.
26771 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
26772 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
26773 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
26774 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
26775 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
26776 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
26778 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
26781 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
26784 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
26786 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
26787 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
26789 I'm glad that I'm an American,
26790 I'm glad that I am free,
26791 But I wish I were a little doggy,
26792 And McGovern were a tree.
26794 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
26795 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
26798 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
26799 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
26800 > And in LA it's 72.
26802 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
26803 is a million percent.
26804 > And in LA it's 72.
26806 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
26807 > And in LA there are 72.
26809 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
26812 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
26815 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
26818 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
26821 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
26822 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
26825 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
26827 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
26828 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
26830 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
26831 I've missed your special date.
26832 Please say that you're not mad at me
26833 My tax return is late.
26834 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
26836 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
26840 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
26841 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
26842 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
26843 She's traversed me seven times before.
26844 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
26845 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
26846 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
26847 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
26848 N-ary the tree I am.
26849 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
26851 I'm not a lovable man.
26852 -- Richard M. Nixon
26854 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
26855 with twenty-eight years ago.
26858 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
26862 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
26863 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
26865 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
26867 I'm not offering myself as an example;
26868 every life evolves by its own laws.
26870 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
26874 I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
26876 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
26877 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
26879 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
26881 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
26885 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
26886 that some thinkle peep I am.
26887 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
26889 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
26890 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
26891 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
26892 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
26893 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
26894 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
26895 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
26896 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
26899 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
26900 totally unprepared for everyday life.
26902 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
26903 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
26906 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
26907 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
26909 I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
26910 (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
26911 -- English Professor, Providence College
26913 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
26915 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
26917 I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
26918 coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
26919 you being a dumbass.
26920 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
26922 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
26924 I'm sorry I missed.
26927 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
26929 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
26931 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
26932 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
26934 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
26935 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
26936 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
26937 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
26938 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
26940 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
26941 like pigeons and Catholics.
26944 I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
26947 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
26950 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
26951 -- Jules de Gaultier
26953 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
26954 usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
26955 thinks of complaining.
26956 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
26958 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
26959 It would mean political ruin.
26962 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
26963 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
26964 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
26965 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
26966 What's the first question that the computer community asks?
26968 "Is it PC compatible?"
26970 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
26971 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
26973 Imagine what we can imagine!
26974 -- Arthur Rubinstein
26976 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
26979 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
26980 In order for something to become clean, something else must
26981 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
26984 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
26987 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
26989 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
26991 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
26994 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
26995 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
26997 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
27000 Immutability, Three Rules of:
27001 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
27002 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
27003 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
27006 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
27007 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
27008 conflicting opinions.
27009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27011 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
27012 mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
27013 Boss is reading it.
27016 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
27017 (2) I can't be bothered;
27018 (3) God can't be bothered.
27019 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
27020 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
27022 In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
27025 In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
27028 In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
27029 creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
27031 In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
27034 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
27035 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
27036 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
27037 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
27038 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
27040 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
27041 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
27043 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
27044 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
27045 more to its liking.
27047 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
27048 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
27051 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
27053 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
27054 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
27056 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
27057 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
27059 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
27060 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
27061 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
27062 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
27064 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
27065 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
27069 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
27070 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
27072 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
27073 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
27075 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
27076 other really likes.
27077 -- Elizabeth Ashley
27079 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
27080 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
27081 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
27082 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
27083 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
27085 In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
27086 Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
27087 -- Frank Mankiewicz
27089 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
27090 "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
27093 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
27094 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
27095 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
27096 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
27097 superior to Tops10.
27099 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
27100 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
27102 In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
27103 with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
27104 this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
27106 In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
27107 of the risks he takes.
27108 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
27110 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
27111 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
27112 those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
27113 devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
27114 as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
27115 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
27117 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
27118 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
27122 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
27124 In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
27126 -- The Peter Principle
27128 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
27129 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
27132 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
27133 are to be treated as variables.
27135 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
27136 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
27138 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
27139 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
27142 In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
27145 A catch basin for everything you don't want
27146 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
27148 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
27149 the cows are known sluts.
27152 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
27153 made the World Series just something that came later.
27154 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
27156 In buying horses and taking a wife
27157 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
27159 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
27160 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
27161 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
27162 said, "up to the mathematicians."
27163 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
27165 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
27166 it into television shows.
27167 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
27169 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
27171 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
27172 against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
27174 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
27175 -- The Kidner Report
27177 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
27179 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
27180 He'll kiss it and make it better.
27182 In charity there is no excess.
27185 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
27186 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
27187 be free of subjugation.
27188 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
27190 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
27191 This is called Monotony.
27193 In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
27194 a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
27195 to get her attention.
27197 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
27199 In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
27200 in any motor vehicle.
27202 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
27203 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27205 In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
27208 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
27210 In dwelling, be close to the land.
27211 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
27212 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
27213 In speech, be true.
27214 In work, be competent.
27215 In action, be careful of your timing.
27218 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
27219 programming languages.
27221 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
27222 -- Thomas Jefferson
27224 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
27225 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27227 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
27228 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
27229 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
27230 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
27233 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
27235 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
27236 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
27237 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
27238 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
27239 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
27241 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
27242 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
27244 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
27245 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
27246 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
27247 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
27248 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
27249 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
27250 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
27252 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
27254 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
27255 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
27258 In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
27259 the sidewalks when a concert is on.
27261 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
27262 In all the others all she loves is love.
27263 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
27265 In high school in Brooklyn
27266 I was the baseball manager,
27267 proud as I could be
27268 I chased baseballs,
27269 gathered thrown bats
27270 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
27271 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
27272 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
27273 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
27274 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
27275 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
27276 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
27277 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
27278 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
27279 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
27280 I still recall that jacket
27281 and the memory goes on hurting.
27282 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
27284 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
27285 afterwards that causes the problems.
27288 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
27291 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
27292 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
27293 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
27296 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
27297 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
27298 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
27299 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
27301 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
27303 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
27304 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
27305 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
27307 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
27308 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
27311 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
27314 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
27317 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
27320 In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
27321 pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
27322 either flying or waiting to board a plane.
27324 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
27325 to take every advantage of the enemy.
27327 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
27328 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
27329 have obtained from books of travel.
27332 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
27333 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
27334 -- Thomas Jefferson
27336 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
27339 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
27340 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
27342 In most instances, all an argument
27343 proves is that two people are present.
27345 In my end is my beginning.
27346 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
27348 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
27349 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
27350 -- Nancy Banks Smith
27352 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
27353 becoming pure energy.
27354 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
27356 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
27357 punishments, there are consequences.
27360 In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
27361 to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
27362 speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
27364 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
27365 a practice which is still continued.
27368 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
27370 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
27371 you're what's left.
27373 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
27375 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
27376 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
27378 In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
27380 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
27382 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
27383 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
27384 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27386 In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
27387 Court decision and violent revolution.
27388 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
27390 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
27392 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
27393 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
27394 -- John Diefenbaker
27396 In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
27397 and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
27399 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
27400 of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
27403 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
27404 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
27407 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
27408 want the other person.
27409 -- Margaret Anderson
27411 In reply to a message by Scott Long:
27413 > Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
27415 Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
27416 your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
27417 computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
27418 DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
27419 their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
27420 whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
27422 It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
27423 merger be that far off?
27424 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
27426 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
27427 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
27428 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
27429 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
27430 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
27432 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
27435 In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
27436 good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
27437 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
27438 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
27439 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
27440 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
27441 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
27443 In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
27444 is over six feet in length.
27446 In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
27447 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
27449 In short, _
\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _
\bN is not Richardian.
27451 In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
27453 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
27456 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
27459 In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
27462 [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
27463 could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
27464 that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
27466 And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
27467 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
27468 didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
27469 point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
27470 we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
27472 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
27473 Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
27474 _
\bs_
\be_
\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
27476 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
27478 "In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
27479 opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
27480 -- Benjamin Franklin
27482 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
27483 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
27485 In the beginning was the word.
27486 But by the time the second word was added to it,
27488 For with it came syntax ...
27491 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
27492 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
27493 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
27494 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
27495 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
27496 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
27497 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
27498 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
27499 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
27501 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
27502 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
27503 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
27506 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
27507 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
27509 In the days of old,
27510 When Knights were bold,
27511 And women were too cautious;
27512 Oh, those gallant days,
27513 When women were women,
27514 And men were really obnoxious.
27516 In the dimestores and bus stations
27517 People talk of situations
27518 Read books repeat quotations
27519 Draw conclusions on the wall.
27522 In the early morning queue,
27523 With a listing in my hand.
27524 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
27525 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
27526 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
27527 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
27528 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
27529 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
27530 Hey, there it goes my friend,
27531 I've moved up one at last.
27532 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
27533 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
27535 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
27538 In the first place, God made idiots;
27539 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
27542 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
27543 the proper order then why can't he?
27545 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
27548 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
27549 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
27551 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
27554 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
27555 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
27558 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
27559 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
27560 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
27562 In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
27565 In the long run we are all dead.
27566 -- John Maynard Keynes
27568 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
27569 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
27570 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
27572 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
27573 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
27575 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
27576 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
27577 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
27578 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
27579 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
27580 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
27583 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
27585 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
27587 In the next world, you're on your own.
27589 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
27590 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
27591 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
27593 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
27594 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
27596 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
27597 the sound of those drums."
27598 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
27599 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
27601 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
27602 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
27603 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
27604 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
27605 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
27606 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
27607 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
27609 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
27610 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
27611 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
27612 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
27613 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
27616 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
27617 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
27618 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
27619 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
27620 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
27621 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
27622 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
27625 In the Spring, I have counted 136
27626 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
27627 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
27629 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
27631 In the time of peace and harmony
27632 Be a kind-hearted friend.
27633 In the time of conflict with enemies
27634 Be a falcon of advance and attack.
27635 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
27637 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
27638 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
27641 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
27643 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
27644 In practice, there is.
27646 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
27651 Your head grows bald
27655 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
27656 -- Benjamin Franklin
27658 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
27659 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
27662 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
27663 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
27665 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
27666 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
27669 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
27671 In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
27673 -- Winston Churchill
27675 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
27676 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
27677 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
27679 In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
27680 the supervision of a licensed engineer.
27682 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
27683 A stately pleasure dome decree,
27684 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
27685 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
27686 Down to a sunless C.
27688 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
27691 In war, truth is the first casualty.
27694 In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
27695 along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
27697 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
27699 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
27702 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
27703 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
27705 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
27706 A stately pleasure dome decree:
27707 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
27708 Through caverns measureless to man
27709 Down to a sunless sea.
27710 So twice five miles of fertile ground
27711 With walls and towers were girdled round:
27712 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
27713 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
27714 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
27715 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
27716 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
27718 In youth, it was a way I had
27719 To do my best to please,
27720 And change, with every passing lad,
27721 To suit his theories.
27723 But now I know the things I know,
27724 And do the things I do;
27725 And if you do not like me so,
27726 To hell, my love, with you!
27727 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
27730 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
27731 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
27732 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
27733 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
27738 Increased knowledge will help you now.
27739 Have mate's phone bugged.
27742 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
27743 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27745 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
27747 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
27748 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
27749 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
27753 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
27754 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
27756 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
27757 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
27758 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
27761 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
27763 Individualists unite!
27765 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
27766 advance; insufferable in victory.
27767 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
27770 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
27771 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
27772 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27775 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
27776 in Constantinople, one who does.
27777 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27779 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
27781 Information Center, n.:
27782 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
27783 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
27785 Information is the inverse of entropy.
27787 Information Processing:
27788 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
27789 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
27791 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
27793 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
27794 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
27795 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
27796 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
27797 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
27799 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
27800 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
27801 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
27805 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
27807 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
27808 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
27811 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
27812 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
27815 On a Bucharest elevator:
27817 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
27818 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
27822 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
27824 Various signs in Poland:
27826 Right turn toward immediate outside.
27828 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
27830 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
27832 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
27834 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
27835 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
27838 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
27841 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
27842 and then complains of indigestion.
27844 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
27845 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
27848 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
27849 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
27850 promote intellectual crime.
27851 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27853 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
27855 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
27860 Innovation is hard to schedule.
27866 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
27867 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
27870 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
27872 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
27873 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
27876 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
27879 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
27880 the person who told it to you.
27882 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
27884 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
27886 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
27889 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
27891 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
27892 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
27893 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
27894 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
27895 -- The Best of Will Rogers
27897 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
27900 Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
27901 it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
27902 It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
27903 how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
27904 hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
27907 Integrity has no need for rules.
27909 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
27912 Intellect annuls Fate.
27913 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
27914 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
27916 Interchangeable parts won't.
27919 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
27920 burned out employees must feign.
27922 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
27923 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
27924 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
27925 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
27928 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
27929 best at, that's what I say.
27933 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
27934 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
27935 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
27936 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
27938 Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
27941 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
27943 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
27948 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
27950 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
27952 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
27954 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
27955 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
27959 It's off to disk I go,
27960 A bit or byte to read or write,
27963 IOT trap -- core dumped
27965 IOT trap -- mos dumped
27967 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
27970 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
27971 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
27972 little paper envelopes.
27974 Iron Law of Distribution:
27975 Them that has, gets.
27978 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
27979 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
27981 Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
27982 -- Douglas Hofstadter
27984 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
27986 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
27988 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
27990 Is death legally binding?
27992 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
27993 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
27996 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
27999 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
28001 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
28002 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
28003 and such as are out wish to get in?
28004 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28006 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
28007 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
28009 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
28012 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
28014 Is there life before breakfast?
28016 Is this really happening?
28018 Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
28020 Isn't air travel wonderful?
28021 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
28023 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
28024 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
28025 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
28027 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
28028 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
28029 -- Kelvin Throop III
28031 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
28032 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
28033 would make them better prospects?
28035 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
28039 Isn't it strange that the same people that
28040 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
28043 A solution in search of a problem!
28045 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
28046 The Course of Progress:
28047 Most things get steadily worse.
28048 The Path of Progress:
28049 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
28051 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
28052 as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
28053 had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
28054 "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
28055 Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
28056 came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
28057 this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
28058 Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
28059 To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
28060 your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
28061 "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
28063 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
28064 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
28067 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
28068 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
28069 It lies behind starts and under hills,
28070 And empty holes it fills.
28071 It comes first and follows after,
28072 Ends life, kills laughter.
28074 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
28075 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
28076 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
28077 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
28078 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
28079 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
28080 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
28081 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
28082 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
28083 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
28085 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
28086 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
28087 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
28088 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
28089 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
28090 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
28092 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
28093 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28095 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
28096 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
28097 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
28098 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
28099 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
28100 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
28102 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
28104 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
28106 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
28107 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
28109 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
28110 done and what you're going to do.
28112 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
28114 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
28115 next morning it was someone else.
28118 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
28119 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
28120 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
28121 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
28122 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
28124 It gets late early out there.
28127 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
28128 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
28130 It hangs down from the chandelier
28131 Nobody knows quite what it does
28132 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
28133 It emits a high-sounding buzz
28135 It grows a couple of feet each day
28136 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
28137 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
28138 a visiting uncle who's rich!
28139 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
28141 It happened long ago
28142 In the new magic land
28143 The Indians and the buffalo
28144 Existed hand in hand
28145 The Indians needed food
28146 They need skins for a roof
28147 The only took what they needed
28148 And the buffalo ran loose
28149 But then came the white man
28150 With his thick and empty head
28151 He couldn't see past his billfold
28152 He wanted all the buffalo dead
28153 It was sad, oh so sad.
28154 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
28156 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
28157 came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
28158 applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
28159 think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
28160 wits, who believe that it is a joke.
28161 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
28163 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
28164 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
28165 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
28168 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
28169 thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
28170 drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
28171 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
28173 It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
28174 that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_
\bo_
\bn_
\bl_
\by* by amusing oneself that
28176 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
28178 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
28179 been searching for evidence which could support this.
28180 -- Bertrand Russell
28182 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
28183 and getting people under the influence.
28186 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
28188 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
28189 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
28190 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
28191 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
28192 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
28193 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
28194 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
28195 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
28196 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
28197 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
28198 competence will be quite enough.
28199 -- The Underground Grammarian
28201 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
28202 little things are infinitely the most important.
28203 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
28205 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
28206 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
28207 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
28208 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
28210 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
28211 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
28214 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
28215 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
28216 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
28220 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
28221 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
28222 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
28224 It is a lesson which all history teaches
28225 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
28226 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
28228 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
28230 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
28233 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
28234 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
28237 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
28238 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
28239 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
28240 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
28241 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
28242 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
28243 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
28244 three more than the schedule allowed.
28245 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
28246 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
28247 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
28248 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
28249 their thumbs for ten months.
28250 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
28251 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
28252 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
28253 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
28254 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
28255 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
28256 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
28258 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
28259 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
28261 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
28262 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
28263 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
28266 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
28269 It is all right to hold a conversation,
28270 but you should let go of it now and then.
28273 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
28274 you are an exceptionally good liar.
28275 -- Jerome K. Jerome
28277 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
28279 It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
28280 pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
28281 sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
28284 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
28285 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
28286 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
28287 much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
28288 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
28289 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
28290 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
28292 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
28293 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
28294 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
28296 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
28298 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
28299 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28301 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
28302 -- Andrew W. Mathis
28304 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
28307 It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
28311 It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
28312 One in a million, perhaps.
28314 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
28316 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
28318 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
28320 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
28322 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
28324 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
28326 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
28328 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
28330 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
28332 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
28335 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
28337 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
28339 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
28340 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
28342 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
28344 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
28345 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
28348 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
28349 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
28350 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
28352 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
28353 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
28356 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
28357 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
28358 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
28360 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
28364 It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
28365 depends upon his not understanding it.
28368 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
28370 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
28371 incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
28372 twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
28375 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
28377 It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
28379 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
28381 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
28382 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
28383 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
28384 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
28385 attention, the harder the task.
28386 -- Sydney J. Harris
28388 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
28390 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
28393 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
28394 -- George Santayana
28396 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
28397 -- Leonardo da Vinci
28399 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
28401 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
28403 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
28406 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
28407 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
28408 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
28410 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
28411 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
28412 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
28413 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
28415 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
28416 referring to scheduling.]
28418 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
28419 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
28422 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
28423 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
28424 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
28426 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
28428 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
28430 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
28434 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
28437 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
28439 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
28440 innovative maneuvers.
28442 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
28443 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
28444 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
28446 It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
28447 -- Robert Storm Petersen
28449 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
28450 love does not lie in the ear.
28453 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
28454 Boulevard at one time.
28456 It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
28458 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
28459 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
28460 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
28461 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
28462 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
28464 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
28466 It is impossible to defend perfectly
28467 against the attack of those who want to die.
28469 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
28470 unless one has plenty of work to do.
28471 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
28473 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
28477 It is impossible to make anything
28478 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
28480 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
28481 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
28485 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
28487 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
28488 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
28491 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
28492 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
28493 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
28495 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
28496 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
28497 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
28498 like a happy married life.
28501 It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
28502 offense consists in doubting it.
28503 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
28505 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
28506 -- Benjamin Disraeli
28508 It is much easier to suggest solutions
28509 when you know nothing about the problem.
28511 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
28513 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
28514 privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
28515 corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
28516 -- George Bernard Shaw
28518 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
28521 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
28523 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
28524 that makes life blessed.
28525 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
28527 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
28528 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
28529 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
28531 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
28533 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
28535 It is not enough to have a good mind.
28536 The main thing is to use it well.
28539 It is not enough to have great qualities,
28540 we should also have the management of them.
28541 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
28543 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
28546 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
28547 inscrutable workings of Providence.
28548 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
28550 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
28551 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
28554 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
28555 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
28556 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
28557 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
28558 dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
28559 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
28560 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
28562 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
28563 that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
28564 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
28566 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
28567 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
28568 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
28569 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
28570 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
28571 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
28572 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
28576 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
28577 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
28578 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
28579 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
28580 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
28581 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
28582 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
28583 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
28584 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
28586 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
28587 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
28589 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
28591 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
28592 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
28596 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
28597 -- Grace Murray Hopper
28599 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
28602 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
28603 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
28604 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
28607 It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
28610 It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
28611 to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
28614 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
28615 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
28616 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
28618 It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
28619 unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
28623 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
28624 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
28625 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
28626 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
28627 should be used in its proper place.
28628 -- Christopher Strachey
28630 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
28631 -- Maimie Van Doren
28633 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
28634 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
28635 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
28636 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
28638 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
28639 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
28640 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
28641 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
28643 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
28644 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
28645 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
28646 day like any other day, only shorter.
28647 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
28649 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
28650 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
28651 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
28652 too, shall pass away."
28655 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
28656 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
28659 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
28660 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
28662 It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
28663 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
28664 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
28666 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
28667 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
28669 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
28670 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
28671 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
28672 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
28673 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
28674 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
28675 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
28677 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
28678 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
28680 It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
28681 crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
28682 until the other has gone.
28684 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
28687 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
28690 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
28691 set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
28694 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
28695 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
28697 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
28700 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
28702 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
28703 lives, works and has his being.
28706 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
28707 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
28708 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
28710 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
28712 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
28714 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
28715 It produces a false impression.
28718 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
28719 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
28721 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
28724 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
28725 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
28727 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
28729 It isn't easy being green.
28732 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
28733 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
28736 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
28740 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
28741 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
28743 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
28744 to Grandmother's condo.
28746 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
28747 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
28748 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
28750 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
28752 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
28753 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
28754 -- Princess Leia Organa
28756 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
28757 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
28758 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
28760 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
28761 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
28763 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
28764 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
28765 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
28767 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
28771 It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
28772 good either if you speak when your head is empty.
28774 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
28775 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
28778 It may be that your whole purpose in life
28779 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
28781 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
28783 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
28784 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
28785 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
28786 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
28787 in those who would gain by the new ones.
28788 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
28790 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
28791 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
28792 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
28795 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
28797 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
28799 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
28800 one's life and then come round.
28801 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
28803 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
28805 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
28806 they'll come out for it.
28807 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
28810 It runs like _
\bx, where _
\bx is something unsavory.
28811 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
28813 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
28814 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
28816 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
28818 It seems a little silly now, but this country
28819 was founded as a protest against taxation.
28821 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
28822 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
28823 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
28824 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
28825 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
28826 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
28828 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
28831 It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
28834 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
28835 language named "research student".
28837 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
28839 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
28840 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
28841 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
28842 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
28843 average wife is like that.
28844 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
28846 It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
28848 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
28850 It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
28851 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
28853 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
28855 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
28857 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
28860 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
28862 It takes less time to do a thing right
28863 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
28864 -- H. W. Longfellow
28866 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
28868 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
28869 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
28870 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
28871 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
28872 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
28873 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
28874 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
28875 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
28877 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
28878 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
28881 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
28882 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
28883 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
28884 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
28885 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
28886 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
28888 It used to be the fun was in
28889 The capture and kill.
28890 In another place and time
28891 I did it all for thrills.
28894 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
28897 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
28899 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
28901 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
28902 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
28903 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
28904 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
28906 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
28907 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
28908 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
28910 It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
28913 It was all so different before everything changed.
28915 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
28916 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
28917 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
28919 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
28920 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
28923 It was one time too many
28925 It was all too much for me and you
28926 There was one way to go
28927 Nothing more we could do
28932 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
28934 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
28936 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
28938 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
28939 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
28940 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
28941 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
28942 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
28943 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
28944 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
28948 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
28949 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
28950 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
28951 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
28952 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
28953 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
28954 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
28955 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
28956 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
28957 would let me stay here for the night."
28958 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
28961 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
28962 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
28963 -- Hunter S. Thompson
28965 It was wonderful to find America, but it
28966 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
28969 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
28972 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
28973 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
28975 It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
28976 the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
28978 It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
28979 nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
28983 It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
28984 warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
28985 two things still safe to eat.
28988 It would be nice to be sure of anything
28989 the way some people are of everything.
28991 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
28994 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
28995 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
28996 are often slanted to the left.
28998 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
29000 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
29003 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
29006 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
29008 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
29010 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
29013 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
29016 It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
29018 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
29019 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
29021 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
29023 It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
29024 when you lose yours.
29027 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
29030 It's a very *_
\bU_
\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
29031 -- Churchy La Femme
29033 It's all in the mind, ya know.
29035 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
29038 It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
29039 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
29040 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
29041 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
29042 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
29043 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
29044 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
29045 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
29046 have thought it up, I wonder?
29049 It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
29051 It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
29053 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
29054 with if only they'd make the first approach.
29056 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
29058 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
29060 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
29063 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
29064 but why do the rats always have to win?
29066 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
29069 It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
29072 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
29074 It's business doing pleasure with you.
29076 It's clever, but is it art?
29078 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
29080 "It's easier said than done."
29082 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
29083 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
29084 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
29087 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
29090 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
29091 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
29093 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
29096 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
29097 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
29099 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
29101 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
29104 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
29105 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
29106 the ignorance of the community.
29109 It's faster horses,
29113 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
29115 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
29116 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
29118 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
29119 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
29123 It's gonna be alright,
29124 It's almost midnight,
29125 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
29127 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
29128 even if most of them are bad.
29130 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
29131 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
29133 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
29135 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
29136 it's harder to know where the limits are.
29139 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
29142 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
29143 you're getting something off your chest.
29145 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
29146 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
29148 It's hard to think of you as the end
29149 result of millions of years of evolution.
29151 It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
29153 It's important that people know what you stand for.
29154 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
29156 It's interesting to think that many quite
29157 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
29159 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
29160 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
29161 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
29162 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
29164 It's just a jump to the left
29165 And then a step to the right.
29166 Put your hands on your hips
29167 You bring your knees in tight.
29168 But it's the pelvic thrust
29169 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
29171 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
29173 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
29175 It's just apartment house rules,
29176 So all you 'partment house fools
29177 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29178 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
29179 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
29181 It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
29184 It's later than you think.
29186 It's later than you think, the joint
29187 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
29189 It's like deja vu all over again.
29196 and even the teddy bears
29199 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
29200 you're going in the wrong direction.
29202 It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
29205 It's multiple choice time...
29209 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
29210 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
29213 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
29214 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
29217 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
29219 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
29220 a sickness you like.
29223 It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
29224 to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
29227 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
29229 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
29232 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
29235 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
29236 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
29238 It's not easy being green.
29241 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
29244 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
29247 It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
29250 It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
29251 what you're taking for it...
29253 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
29255 It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
29259 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
29260 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
29263 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
29265 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
29268 It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
29271 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
29274 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
29276 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
29278 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
29279 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
29280 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
29281 -- Sydney J. Harris
29283 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
29284 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
29287 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
29288 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
29289 elected governor of California.
29291 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
29292 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
29294 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
29295 as a warning to others.
29297 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
29298 poverty and wealth have both failed.
29301 It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
29303 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
29305 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
29306 society will take full responsibility for you.
29308 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
29309 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
29310 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
29311 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
29314 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
29316 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
29317 have been all over it.
29318 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
29320 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
29321 just to see if it's real,
29322 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
29323 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
29324 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
29325 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
29326 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
29328 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
29330 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
29332 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
29333 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29335 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
29336 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
29337 -- Franklin P. Jones
29339 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
29340 boy gets another beer.
29343 It's the thought, if any, that counts!
29345 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
29346 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
29348 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
29349 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
29350 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
29352 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
29353 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
29355 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
29356 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
29357 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
29358 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
29359 inevitably unsuccessful.
29360 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
29361 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
29362 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
29363 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
29364 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
29365 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
29366 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
29367 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
29368 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
29369 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
29370 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
29371 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
29372 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
29373 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
29374 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
29376 I've already told you more than I know.
29378 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
29380 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
29381 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
29383 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
29384 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
29387 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
29392 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
29395 I've been on this lonely road so long,
29396 Does anybody know where it goes,
29397 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
29399 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
29403 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
29404 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
29405 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
29406 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
29407 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
29408 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
29409 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
29410 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
29412 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
29413 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
29414 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
29415 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
29417 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
29418 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
29419 by Gilbert & Sullivan)
29421 I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
29423 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
29424 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
29425 -- Dennie van Tassel
29427 I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
29428 this little hole in the bottom ...
29431 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
29433 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
29436 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
29439 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
29442 I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
29445 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
29448 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
29449 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
29451 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
29453 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
29456 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
29459 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
29462 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
29466 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
29469 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
29471 I've only got 12 cards.
29473 I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
29474 -- Senator Claghorn
29476 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
29477 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
29478 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
29479 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
29480 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
29481 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
29483 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
29484 And from that full meridian of my glory
29485 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
29486 Like a bright exhalation in the evening
29487 And no man see me more.
29488 -- William Shakespeare
29490 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
29491 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
29492 -- Tallulah Bankhead
29494 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
29495 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
29496 legislature is in session.
29500 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
29501 ones; the meek the girls(the
29502 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
29503 all except the cold ones; the slim
29504 ones plump tiny tall)
29509 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
29511 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
29512 all except ones; the mean
29513 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
29515 except the green ones
29518 James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
29519 indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
29522 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
29523 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
29524 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
29526 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
29527 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
29528 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
29529 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
29530 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
29531 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
29532 television?" and "Good night".
29533 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
29537 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
29538 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
29539 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
29540 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
29541 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
29543 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
29548 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
29549 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
29551 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
29552 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
29555 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
29556 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
29557 each other so that everybody is cramped.
29559 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
29560 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
29561 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
29563 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
29564 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
29565 to you. You gonna pay it?
29568 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
29569 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
29572 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
29574 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
29577 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
29578 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
29579 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
29580 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
29581 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
29582 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
29583 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
29584 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
29585 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
29587 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
29590 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
29592 John Dame May Oscar
29593 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
29594 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
29595 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
29598 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
29600 (George and Ringo miffed.)
29602 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
29603 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
29604 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
29605 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
29606 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
29607 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
29608 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
29609 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
29610 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
29612 Johnny Carson's Definition:
29613 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
29614 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
29615 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
29617 Johnson's First Law:
29618 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
29619 most inconvenient possible time.
29622 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
29624 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
29625 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
29627 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
29628 exciting people, and kill them.
29630 Join the march to save individuality!
29632 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
29633 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
29636 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
29637 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
29638 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
29639 importance of their original contribution.
29642 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
29645 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
29648 Joshu: What is the true Way?
29649 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
29651 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
29652 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
29653 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
29654 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
29655 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
29656 yourself as wide as the sky.
29658 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
29661 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
29663 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
29664 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
29665 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
29667 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
29668 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
29669 someone else's cash.
29670 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
29672 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
29675 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
29676 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
29677 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
29679 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
29680 6: It matches my eyes.
29681 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
29682 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
29683 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
29684 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
29685 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
29686 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
29688 Just a song before I go, Going through security
29689 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
29690 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
29691 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
29692 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
29693 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
29694 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
29695 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
29696 She helped me with my suitcase,
29697 She stands before my eyes,
29698 Driving me to the airport
29699 And to the friendly skies.
29700 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
29702 Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
29703 (and nobody cares about it).
29704 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
29706 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
29707 cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
29708 daydreams about women.
29709 -- George Bernard Shaw
29711 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
29712 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
29713 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
29714 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
29715 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
29716 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
29717 sense of respect for the whole truth.
29718 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
29720 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
29723 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
29725 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
29729 Just because the message may never be
29730 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
29732 Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
29733 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
29735 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
29737 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
29740 Just because your doctor has a name for your
29741 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
29743 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
29745 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
29746 and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
29747 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
29749 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
29751 Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
29752 get a prompt, type like hell.
29754 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
29755 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
29756 about his or her love affairs.
29759 Just machines to make big decisions,
29760 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
29761 We'll be clean when their work is done,
29762 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
29763 What a beautiful world this will be,
29764 What a glorious time to be free.
29765 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
29767 Just once, I wish we would encounter
29768 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
29769 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
29771 Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
29772 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
29773 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
29775 Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
29778 Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
29779 twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
29781 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
29782 As he landed his crew with care;
29783 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
29784 By a finger entwined in his hair.
29786 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
29787 That alone should encourage the crew.
29788 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
29789 What I tell you three times is true.'
29790 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
29792 Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
29793 a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
29796 Just to have it is enough.
29798 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
29799 of all the others, and then do what's best.
29800 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
29802 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
29804 Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
29807 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
29808 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
29809 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
29810 Just can't remember who to send it to...
29812 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
29813 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
29814 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
29815 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
29816 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
29817 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
29819 Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
29820 -- Michael J. Wagner
29822 Justice is incidental to law and order.
29826 A decision in your favor.
29828 K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
29829 Cobol's wordy and confining;
29830 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
29831 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
29832 -- The Roguelet's ABC
29835 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
29836 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
29838 Kamikazes do it once.
29841 Where the men are men and so are the women!
29843 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
29846 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
29848 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
29849 package of snack food.
29851 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
29853 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
29856 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
29857 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
29859 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
29862 Men and nations will act rationally when
29863 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
29865 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
29866 exhausted all other alternatives.
29869 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
29870 Population density is inversely proportional
29871 to the square of the distance from the keg.
29874 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
29875 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
29877 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
29880 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
29882 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
29883 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
29884 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
29885 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
29886 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
29887 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
29889 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
29890 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
29892 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
29894 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
29896 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
29897 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
29898 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
29899 force is technically termed "car suck").
29900 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
29902 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
29903 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
29904 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
29905 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
29906 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
29907 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
29908 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
29909 in the head and knock you silly.
29911 Keep it short for pithy sake.
29913 Keep on keepin' on.
29915 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
29916 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
29919 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
29922 Keep the phase, baby.
29924 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
29926 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
29927 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
29928 at the end of six months.
29931 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
29933 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
29934 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
29935 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
29936 Your Feet on the Ground,
29937 Your Head on your Shoulders.
29938 Now... try to get something DONE!
29940 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
29941 -- Benjamin Franklin
29943 Keep your laws off my body!
29945 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
29946 Open it and you remove all doubt.
29948 Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
29949 automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
29950 numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
29951 driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
29952 dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
29955 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
29956 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
29957 you've got to go broke.
29960 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
29963 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
29964 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
29965 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
29968 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
29969 traditions of sorcery and black art.
29971 Kettering's Observation:
29972 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
29974 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
29976 Kids have *_
\bn_
\be_
\bv_
\be_
\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
29977 travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
29978 original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
29979 teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
29980 grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
29981 teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
29982 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
29984 Kill a commy for your mommy.
29986 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
29988 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
29993 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
29998 Killing turkeys causes winter.
30002 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
30003 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
30006 An affliction of the blood.
30008 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
30011 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
30012 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
30014 Kington's Law of Perforation:
30015 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
30016 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
30019 Kinkler's First Law:
30020 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
30022 Kinkler's Second Law:
30023 All the easy problems have been solved.
30025 Kirk to Enterprise...
30027 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
30029 Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
30030 any of its streets.
30032 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
30034 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
30035 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
30037 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
30039 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
30041 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
30043 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
30045 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
30048 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
30049 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
30050 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
30052 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
30053 Butter up a friend.
30055 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
30056 -- Winston Churchill
30058 Klatu barada nikto.
30060 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
30062 Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
30066 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30068 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
30069 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
30071 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
30072 100% Damage to life support!!!!
30075 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
30077 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
30080 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
30081 causes of statistics.
30083 Knights are hardly worth it.
30084 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
30090 Sam and Janet Evening...
30092 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
30095 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
30096 Stay on the Happy side of life!
30097 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
30098 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
30099 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
30101 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
30102 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
30103 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
30104 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
30105 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
30106 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
30107 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
30108 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
30109 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
30110 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
30112 Knocked, you weren't in.
30115 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
30123 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
30125 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
30129 Things you believe.
30131 Knowledge is power.
30134 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
30135 -- Aleister Crowley
30137 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
30139 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
30140 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
30141 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
30142 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
30143 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
30146 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
30148 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
30149 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
30150 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30153 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
30154 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
30155 From mud slides to brush fires.
30158 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
30159 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30161 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
30163 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
30164 -- George Bernard Shaw
30169 3. Never volunteer for anything.
30171 Lactomangulation, n.:
30172 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
30173 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
30174 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30176 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
30178 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
30179 Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
30180 I come before you to stand behind you
30181 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
30182 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
30183 There will be a convention held in the
30184 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
30185 Admission is free, pay at the door,
30186 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
30187 It was a summer's day in winter,
30188 And the snow was raining fast,
30189 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
30190 Stood sitting in the grass.
30191 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
30192 Two dead men got up to fight.
30193 Three blind men to see fair play,
30194 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
30195 Back to back, they faced each other,
30196 Drew their swords and shot each other.
30197 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
30198 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
30200 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
30201 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
30202 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
30203 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
30204 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
30206 -- Billie Jean King
30208 Lady, lady, should you meet
30209 One whose ways are all discreet,
30210 One who murmurs that his wife
30211 Is the lodestar of his life,
30212 One who keeps assuring you
30213 That he never was untrue,
30214 Never loved another one...
30215 Lady, lady, better run!
30216 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
30218 Lady Luck brings added income today.
30219 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
30222 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
30224 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
30226 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
30227 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
30228 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
30230 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
30231 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
30232 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
30233 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
30234 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
30235 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
30236 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
30237 you would pin this on your white meat."
30240 Look to your stern!
30241 Your house is on fire,
30242 Your children will burn!
30243 So jump ye and sing, for
30244 The very first time
30245 The four lines above
30246 Have been put into rhyme.
30249 Laetrile is the pits.
30251 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
30252 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
30254 Lake Erie died for your sins.
30256 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
30258 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
30259 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
30260 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
30261 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
30262 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
30264 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
30267 (1) Everything depends.
30268 (2) Nothing is always.
30269 (3) Everything is sometimes.
30271 Language is a virus from another planet.
30272 -- William Burroughs
30274 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
30275 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
30276 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
30280 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
30281 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
30282 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
30283 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
30284 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
30286 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
30287 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
30290 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
30291 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
30292 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
30293 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
30294 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
30295 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
30296 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
30297 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
30298 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
30301 All laws are basically false.
30306 Last guys don't finish nice.
30307 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
30309 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
30310 the pillow was gone.
30313 Last night I met upon the stair
30314 A little man who wasn't there.
30315 He wasn't there again today.
30316 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
30318 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
30319 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
30322 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
30323 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
30325 Last week's pet, this week's special.
30327 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
30328 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
30329 I don't remember what it was.
30332 Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
30334 Latin is a language,
30336 First it killed the Romans,
30337 And now it's killing me.
30339 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
30341 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
30343 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
30345 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
30347 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
30349 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
30351 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
30355 No child throws up in the bathroom.
30357 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
30358 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
30360 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
30361 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
30362 -- Richard M. Nixon
30364 Law of Communications:
30365 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
30366 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
30367 area of misunderstanding.
30370 Experiments should be reproducible.
30371 They should all fail the same way.
30373 Law of Probable Dispersal:
30374 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
30376 Law of Selective Gravity:
30377 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
30379 Jenning's Corollary:
30380 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
30381 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
30384 He who hesitates is lunch.
30387 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
30389 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
30390 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
30392 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
30394 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
30396 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
30397 -- Otto von Bismarck
30399 Laws of Computer Programming:
30400 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
30401 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
30402 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
30403 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
30404 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
30405 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
30406 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
30407 the programmer who must maintain it.
30409 Laws of Serendipity:
30411 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
30413 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
30414 be engaged in making an inferior one.
30417 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
30421 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
30422 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
30423 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
30425 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
30428 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
30429 -- William Shakespeare
30431 Layers are for cakes, not for software.
30434 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
30435 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
30436 Is to keep the lightning out.
30437 But what these unobservant birds
30438 Have failed to notice is that herds
30439 Of bears may come with buns
30440 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
30442 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
30443 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
30444 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
30447 Marrying a pregnant woman.
30449 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
30450 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
30451 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
30452 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
30454 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
30456 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
30458 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
30460 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
30463 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
30464 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
30465 quicker you can do it.
30467 Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
30468 everything else follows in the same way.
30471 Learning without thought is labor lost;
30472 thought without learning is perilous.
30475 Leave no stone unturned.
30479 Mother said there would be days like this,
30480 but she never said that there'd be so many!
30482 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
30484 Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
30487 Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
30488 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
30489 unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
30490 drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
30494 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
30495 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
30497 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
30498 Proof (by induction):
30499 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
30500 horses in that set are the same color.
30501 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
30502 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
30503 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
30504 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
30505 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
30506 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
30507 horses are the same color.
30508 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
30509 Proof (by intimidation):
30510 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
30511 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
30512 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
30513 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
30514 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
30515 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
30516 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
30517 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
30519 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
30521 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
30523 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
30525 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
30526 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
30527 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
30528 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
30530 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
30531 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
30532 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
30533 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
30535 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
30536 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
30537 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
30538 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
30539 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
30542 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
30544 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
30547 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
30549 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
30550 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
30552 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
30553 number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
30557 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
30558 Admit impediments. Love is not love
30559 Which alters when it alteration finds,
30560 Or bends with the remover to remove.
30561 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
30562 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
30563 It is the star to every wandering bark,
30564 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
30565 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
30566 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
30567 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
30568 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
30569 If this be error and upon me proved,
30570 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
30571 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
30573 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
30575 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
30576 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
30578 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
30579 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
30580 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
30581 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
30582 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
30583 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
30584 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
30585 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
30589 Let my own body be exhausted,
30590 But not the wealth of my state.
30591 Let my mortal body vanish,
30592 But not the power of my state.
30593 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
30595 Let no guilty man escape.
30598 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
30600 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
30601 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
30603 Let sleeping dogs lie.
30606 Let the machine do the dirty work.
30607 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
30609 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
30612 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
30613 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
30615 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
30616 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
30619 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
30620 -- Benjamin Franklin
30622 Let us go then you and I
30623 while the night is laid out against the sky
30624 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
30626 Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
30629 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
30630 The muttering retreats
30631 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
30632 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
30633 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
30634 Of insidious intent
30635 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
30636 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
30637 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
30641 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
30645 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
30646 but let us never fear to negotiate.
30649 Let us not look back in anger or forward
30650 in fear, but around us in awareness.
30653 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
30655 Let us treat men and women well;
30656 Treat them as if they were real;
30658 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
30660 Let your conscience be your guide.
30664 [The state, that's me.]
30667 Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
30669 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
30670 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
30671 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
30672 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
30673 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
30674 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
30675 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
30677 Let's love each other slowly,
30678 reaching for a plane,
30679 of exquisite pleasure,
30683 Let's not complicate our relationship
30684 by trying to communicate with each other.
30686 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
30688 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
30691 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
30692 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
30693 Anguish. You would sue:
30695 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
30696 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
30697 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
30700 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
30701 cretin like yourself.
30703 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
30704 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
30705 a large cash settlement anyway.
30708 Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
30709 overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
30710 dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
30711 tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
30712 spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
30713 money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
30714 probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
30715 It's not his money.
30716 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
30718 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
30722 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
30723 to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
30724 public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
30725 in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
30726 will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
30727 agricultural industry.
30730 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
30734 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
30735 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
30737 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
30739 Lewis's Law of Travel:
30740 The first piece of luggage out of the
30741 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
30743 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
30747 A lawyer with a roving commission.
30748 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
30750 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
30754 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
30756 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
30757 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
30758 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
30760 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
30761 -- The Best of Will Rogers
30763 Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
30764 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
30766 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
30767 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
30768 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
30769 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
30771 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
30772 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
30773 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
30774 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
30778 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
30779 discovered to date.
30782 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
30784 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
30788 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
30791 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
30794 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
30796 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
30798 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
30799 -- Miss November, 1966
30801 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
30804 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
30806 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
30807 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
30809 Life exists for no known purpose.
30811 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
30812 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
30813 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
30814 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
30817 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
30818 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
30819 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
30821 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
30822 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
30825 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
30826 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
30828 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
30829 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
30830 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
30831 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
30834 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
30836 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
30837 A medley of extemporania;
30838 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
30839 And I am Marie of Roumania.
30840 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
30842 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
30845 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
30847 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
30849 -- Charles Baudelaire
30851 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
30854 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
30855 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
30858 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
30860 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
30862 Life is an exciting business, and most
30863 exciting when it is lived for others.
30865 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
30867 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
30869 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
30871 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
30872 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
30874 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
30876 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
30878 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
30880 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
30883 Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
30884 eat it nevertheless.
30887 Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
30889 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
30891 Life is like a sewer.
30892 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
30895 Life is like a simile.
30897 Life is like a tin of sardines.
30898 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
30899 -- Beyond the Fringe
30901 Life is like an analogy.
30903 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
30904 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
30906 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
30907 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
30910 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
30911 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
30914 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
30915 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
30916 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
30918 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
30919 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
30921 Life is not for everyone.
30923 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
30924 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
30926 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
30927 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
30929 Life is the living you do,
30930 Death is the living you don't do.
30933 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
30935 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
30937 Life is too important to take seriously.
30940 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
30943 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
30946 Life is wasted on the living.
30947 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
30949 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
30950 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
30952 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
30955 Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
30957 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30959 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
30960 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
30962 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
30963 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
30964 -- Dag Hammarskjold
30966 Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
30967 of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
30968 rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
30969 and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
30971 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
30972 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
30973 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
30974 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
30975 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
30976 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
30978 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
30981 Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
30982 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
30984 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
30987 Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
30988 weren't for other people.
30991 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
30994 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
30995 -- George Bernard Shaw
30997 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
30999 Lift every voice and sing
31000 Till earth and heaven ring,
31001 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
31002 Let our rejoicing rise
31003 High as the listening skies,
31004 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
31006 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
31007 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
31008 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
31009 Let us march on till victory is won.
31010 -- James Weldon Johnson
31012 Lighten up, while you still can,
31013 Don't even try to understand,
31014 Just find a place to make your stand,
31016 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
31019 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
31020 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
31023 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
31025 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
31026 the difference between one young woman and another.
31027 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
31029 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
31030 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
31031 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
31032 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
31033 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
31034 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
31035 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
31036 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
31038 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
31039 see her little dog Pritzi again.
31040 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
31042 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
31043 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
31044 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
31045 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
31047 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
31048 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
31049 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
31050 worst possible novel.
31052 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
31053 I threw the last punch way too hard,
31054 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
31055 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
31056 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
31057 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
31058 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
31059 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
31060 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
31061 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
31062 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
31063 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
31064 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
31065 You know I can't think straight no more
31066 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
31067 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
31068 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
31070 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
31071 weren't so damned great!
31072 -- Armistead Maupin
31074 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
31075 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
31076 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
31077 like the Rolling Stones?
31078 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
31079 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
31081 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
31082 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
31083 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
31084 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
31085 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
31089 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
31091 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
31092 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
31093 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
31095 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
31096 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
31099 Like the time I ran away...
31100 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
31101 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
31103 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
31105 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
31106 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
31107 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
31108 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
31109 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
31110 -- Senior Year Quote
31112 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
31113 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
31115 Q -- Is there life after death?
31116 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
31117 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
31118 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
31119 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
31120 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
31121 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
31122 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
31123 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
31124 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
31127 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
31128 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
31129 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
31131 Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
31132 Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
31134 Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
31135 Kennedy in November 1960.
31137 Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
31139 Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
31142 Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
31143 Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
31145 Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31146 Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
31148 The first Johnson was born in 1808.
31149 The second Johnson was born in 1908.
31151 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
31153 Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
31155 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
31156 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
31158 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
31159 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
31162 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
31163 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
31164 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
31165 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
31167 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
31168 Maybe we should think only about today.
31170 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
31174 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
31176 Lions in the street and roaming,
31177 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
31178 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
31179 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
31181 Went down south across the border,
31182 Left the chaos and disorder
31183 Back there, over his shoulder.
31184 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
31185 A strange creature groaning beside him.
31186 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
31187 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
31188 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
31191 To call a spade a thpade.
31193 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31194 Lisp Machine is Fun.
31195 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
31199 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
31201 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
31202 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
31203 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
31204 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
31205 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
31206 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
31207 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
31208 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
31209 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
31210 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
31211 a panacea so alleged.
31212 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
31213 government been lacking in courage and boldness in
31214 facing up to the recession?"
31216 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
31217 is the other way round.
31218 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
31221 -- Ronald Macdonald
31224 Thy summer's play If thought is life
31225 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
31226 Has brush'd away. And the want
31227 Of thought is death,
31229 A fly like thee? Then am I
31230 Or art not thou A happy fly
31231 A man like me? If I live
31236 Till some blind hand
31237 Shall brush my wing.
31238 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
31240 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
31243 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
31244 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
31246 Little Known Facts, #23:
31247 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
31248 the BMW repair garage?
31250 Little Mary on the ice,
31251 Went out to have a frisk,
31252 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
31255 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
31256 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
31258 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
31261 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
31263 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
31265 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
31266 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
31267 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
31269 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
31272 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
31273 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
31274 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
31276 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
31277 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
31279 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
31280 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
31282 Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
31285 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
31286 to want things that nobody else wants.
31289 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
31290 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
31292 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
31293 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
31296 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
31298 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
31299 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
31300 Don't you envy people who
31301 Do all the things _
\bY_
\bO_
\bU want to do?
31303 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
31304 -- Henry David Thoreau
31306 Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
31307 interest rates, we don't need it."
31310 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
31311 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
31312 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
31313 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
31314 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
31315 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
31316 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
31317 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
31318 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
31319 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
31320 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
31321 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
31322 you and your friends will be, too.
31323 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
31324 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
31326 Lockwood's Long Shot:
31327 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
31328 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
31330 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
31333 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_
\ba_
\bw_
\bf_
\bu_
\bl*.
31335 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
31337 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
31339 Logicians have but ill defined
31340 As rational the human kind.
31341 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
31342 But let them prove it if they can.
31343 -- Oliver Goldsmith
31347 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
31350 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
31351 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
31352 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
31353 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
31354 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
31355 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
31356 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
31357 Bulletin Board System).
31359 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
31360 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
31361 -- '80 Microcomputing
31363 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
31365 Lonely is a man without love.
31366 -- Engelbert Humperdinck
31368 Lonely men seek companionship.
31369 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
31376 Like to meet new and interesting people?
31378 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
31380 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
31381 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
31382 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
31383 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
31385 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
31387 Long life is in store for you.
31389 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
31390 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
31391 pain and his aloneness without regret?
31392 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
31394 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
31396 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
31398 Look at it this way:
31399 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
31400 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
31401 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31403 Look at it this way:
31404 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
31405 forget $26,000 of college education.
31406 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
31408 Look before you leap.
31414 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
31416 Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
31417 to pay income taxes, too?
31418 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
31420 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
31421 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
31425 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
31426 -- Stephen Sondheim
31428 Loose bits sink chips.
31430 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
31431 -- Charles D'Hericault
31433 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
31434 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
31436 Losing your drivers' license is just
31437 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
31439 Lost: gray and white female cat.
31440 Answers to electric can opener.
31442 Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
31444 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
31446 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
31449 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
31450 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
31452 Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
31455 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31456 Louie Louie, me gotta go
31458 Fine little girl she waits for me
31459 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
31460 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
31461 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
31462 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
31463 I smell the rose in her hair
31464 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
31465 It won't be long, me see my love
31466 I take her in my arms and then
31467 Me tell her I never leave again
31468 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
31471 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
31474 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
31477 When, if asked to choose between your lover
31478 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
31481 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
31484 When you don't want someone too close--
31485 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
31488 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
31490 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
31492 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
31494 Love America - or give it back.
31496 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
31498 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
31499 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
31501 Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
31504 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
31505 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
31507 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
31508 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
31509 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
31511 Love is a grave mental disease.
31514 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
31517 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
31518 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
31519 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
31521 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
31522 Hate is a word that is not.
31523 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
31524 Love, I have read, is hot.
31525 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
31526 And Love but a drug on the mart.
31527 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
31528 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
31531 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
31532 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
31533 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
31535 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
31536 with the ideal never goes unpunished.
31537 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
31539 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
31542 Love is being stupid together.
31545 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
31546 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
31547 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
31549 Love is in the offing.
31550 -- The Homicidal Maniac
31552 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
31554 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
31555 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
31556 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
31560 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
31561 -- Jerome K. Jerome
31563 Love is never asking why?
31565 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
31567 Love is sentimental measles.
31569 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
31571 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
31572 raises some pretty good questions.
31575 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
31578 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
31579 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
31580 -- Charles Baudelaire
31582 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
31585 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
31586 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
31588 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
31591 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
31593 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
31596 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
31598 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
31599 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
31601 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
31604 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
31605 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
31607 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
31609 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
31610 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
31612 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
31613 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
31615 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
31617 Love tells us many things that are not so.
31618 -- Krainian proverb
31620 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
31622 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
31625 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
31627 Love to eat them mousies,
31628 Mousies I love to eat.
31629 Bite they little heads off,
31630 Nibble at they tiny feet.
31633 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
31634 seized this one for the fair form
31635 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
31636 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
31637 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
31638 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
31639 Love brought us to one death.
31640 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
31642 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
31643 trying to figure out what you're up to.
31645 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
31646 -- Benjamin Franklin
31649 If it jams -- force it. If it
31650 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
31652 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
31654 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
31655 There's always one more bug.
31657 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
31658 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
31659 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
31660 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
31661 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
31662 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
31664 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
31667 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
31671 When you have a wife and a cigarette
31672 lighter -- both of which work.
31674 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
31676 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
31677 Can't you be serious for once?
31678 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
31679 of the more important things in life!
31683 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
31684 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
31686 Lunatic Asylum, n.:
31687 The place where optimism most flourishes.
31689 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
31692 Lysistrata had a good idea.
31694 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
31696 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
31698 Machine-Independent, adj.:
31699 Does not run on any existing machine.
31701 Machine-independent program:
31702 A program that will not run on any machine.
31704 Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
31705 and play games -- but not with pleasure.
31708 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
31711 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
31714 Macho does not prove mucho.
31718 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
31719 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31721 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
31722 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
31726 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
31728 Madness takes its toll.
31731 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
31732 Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
31733 subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
31734 rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
31735 reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
31736 operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
31737 MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
31738 variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
31739 security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
31740 more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
31741 imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
31742 options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
31743 Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
31744 powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
31745 entire nodal aggravations.
31746 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
31748 Magary's Principle:
31749 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
31750 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
31751 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
31753 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
31755 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
31757 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
31759 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
31760 of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
31761 with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
31763 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31766 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
31768 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
31771 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
31772 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
31773 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31776 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
31779 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
31780 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
31781 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
31782 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
31783 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
31784 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
31785 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
31786 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
31789 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
31790 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
31791 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
31792 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31795 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
31796 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
31799 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
31800 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
31801 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
31802 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
31805 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
31807 Maintainer's Motto:
31808 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
31810 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
31811 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
31812 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
31815 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
31817 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
31819 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
31821 Secondary Conclusion:
31822 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
31823 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
31825 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
31828 Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
31830 Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
31831 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31833 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
31837 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
31839 Make a wish, it might come true.
31841 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
31843 Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
31845 Make it right before you make it faster.
31847 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
31848 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
31850 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
31852 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
31854 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
31855 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
31856 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
31857 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
31858 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
31861 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
31864 The reason surgeons wear masks.
31866 Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
31869 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
31871 Man 1: _
\bT_
\bI_
\bM_
\bI_
\bN_
\bG!
31873 Man and wife make one fool.
31875 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
31876 -- Wernher von Braun
31878 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
31879 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
31880 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
31881 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
31882 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
31883 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
31885 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
31888 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
31890 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
31893 Man is a military animal,
31894 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
31897 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
31898 to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
31901 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
31902 no dog exchanges bones with another.
31905 Man is by nature a political animal.
31908 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
31909 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
31910 -- Wernher von Braun
31912 Man is the measure of all things.
31915 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
31918 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
31919 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
31920 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
31922 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
31923 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
31924 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
31927 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
31928 -- Arthur R. Miller
31931 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
31932 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
31933 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
31934 species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
31935 as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
31936 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31938 Man proposes, God disposes.
31941 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
31945 Man who arrives at party two hours late
31946 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
31948 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
31950 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
31952 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
31954 Man will never fly.
31955 Space travel is merely a dream.
31956 All aspirin is alike.
31958 Management: How many feet do mice have?
31959 Reply: Mice have four feet.
31961 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
31962 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
31963 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
31964 M: What? Feet with no legs?
31965 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
31966 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
31967 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
31968 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
31969 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
31970 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
31971 is not equipped with a foot.
31972 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
31973 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
31974 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
31975 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
31976 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
31977 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
31978 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
31979 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
31980 ornamental in nature.
31981 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
31982 R: Mice have four feet.
31985 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
31988 A man known for giving great meeting.
31990 Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
31991 Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
31992 don't think, right?"
31996 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
31998 Manic-depressive, n.:
31999 Easy glum, easy glow.
32001 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
32004 Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
32005 dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
32006 man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
32007 air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
32010 What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
32011 mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
32012 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
32015 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
32018 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
32020 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
32022 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
32023 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
32024 -- Sydney J. Harris
32027 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
32028 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
32029 you need is in the others.
32032 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
32035 Many a family tree needs trimming.
32037 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
32038 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
32039 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
32041 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
32042 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
32043 -- Finley Peter Dunne
32045 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
32046 can easily support two or more.
32048 Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
32049 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
32050 -- George D. Prentice
32052 Many are called, few are chosen.
32053 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
32055 Many are called, few volunteer.
32057 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
32059 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
32061 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
32062 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
32063 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
32064 their data processing systems.
32065 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
32067 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
32068 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
32069 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
32070 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
32071 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
32072 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
32074 Many hands make light work.
32077 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
32079 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
32080 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
32081 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
32082 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
32083 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
32084 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
32085 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
32086 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
32087 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
32088 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
32089 -- Francis Galton, 1909
32091 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
32092 tricks on me and treating me badly.
32093 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
32095 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
32096 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
32097 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
32099 Many pages make a thick book.
32101 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
32104 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
32105 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
32107 Many people are secretly interested in life.
32109 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
32111 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
32113 Many people feel that if you won't let
32114 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
32116 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
32117 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
32119 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
32121 Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
32122 -- Bertrand Russell
32124 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
32126 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
32129 Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
32130 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
32131 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
32132 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
32135 Margaret, are you grieving
32136 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
32137 Leaves, like the things of man,
32138 You, with your fresh thoughts
32140 Ah! as the heart grows older
32141 It will come to such sights colder
32142 By and by, nor spare a sigh
32143 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
32144 And yet you will weep and know why.
32145 Now no matter, child, the name
32146 Sorrow's springs are the same:
32147 It is the blight man was born for,
32148 It is Margaret you mourn for.
32149 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
32153 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
32154 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
32156 Peach blossom: I am your captive
32157 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
32159 Rose, any color: Love
32160 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
32161 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
32162 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
32163 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
32164 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
32165 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
32166 Rosemary: Remembrance
32167 Sunflower: Haughtiness
32168 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
32169 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
32170 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
32171 Violet, white: Modesty
32172 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
32173 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
32175 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
32177 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
32178 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
32179 it in order to protect themselves.
32182 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
32183 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
32184 that require a simple yes or no answer.
32187 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
32188 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
32189 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
32194 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
32195 insincerity possible between two human beings.
32198 Marriage causes dating problems.
32200 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
32203 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
32205 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
32206 not ready for an institution yet.
32209 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
32210 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
32213 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
32215 Marriage is a three ring circus:
32216 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
32219 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
32220 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
32222 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
32223 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
32225 -- George Jean Nathan
32227 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
32229 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
32230 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
32232 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
32235 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
32236 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
32239 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
32242 Marriage is the process of finding out what
32243 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
32245 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
32250 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
32253 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
32255 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
32256 connected by a thin strand.
32258 Come on, Marta, grow up.
32259 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32261 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
32262 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
32263 territory from invasion by another group."
32265 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
32266 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32268 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
32269 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
32270 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
32272 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
32273 -- George Bernard Shaw
32275 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
32276 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
32278 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
32279 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
32280 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
32281 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
32282 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
32283 named a drink Fred?"
32285 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
32286 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
32288 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
32289 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
32290 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
32291 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
32292 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
32293 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
32294 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
32295 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
32296 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
32297 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
32298 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
32299 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
32303 You can always find what you're not looking for.
32305 Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
32306 the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
32308 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
32311 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
32312 you treat everything like a nail.
32314 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
32315 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
32317 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
32319 Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
32320 price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
32323 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
32324 -- Christopher Hampton
32326 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
32329 Mater artium necessitas.
32330 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
32332 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
32335 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
32336 Please, don't drink and derive.
32343 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
32347 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
32349 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
32350 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
32351 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
32353 Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
32354 described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
32356 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
32359 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
32362 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
32363 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
32366 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
32367 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
32370 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
32371 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
32372 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
32373 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
32374 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
32375 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
32376 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
32377 -- Bertrand Russell
32379 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
32381 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
32383 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
32384 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
32386 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
32388 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
32389 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
32390 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
32391 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
32393 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
32397 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
32399 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
32400 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
32402 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
32404 May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
32405 Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
32406 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
32408 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
32410 May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
32412 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
32414 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
32416 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
32418 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
32419 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
32420 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
32422 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
32424 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
32426 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
32428 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
32429 a full moon on a dark night,
32430 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
32432 May you live in uninteresting times.
32435 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
32437 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
32439 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
32440 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
32442 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
32443 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
32446 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
32449 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
32450 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
32453 Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
32455 Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
32456 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
32457 had to seek professional help.
32459 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
32460 these days you can certainly charge it.
32463 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
32464 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
32466 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
32468 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
32469 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
32470 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
32473 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
32474 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
32477 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
32478 just like everyone else.
32480 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
32481 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
32482 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
32483 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
32484 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
32485 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
32486 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
32487 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
32488 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
32489 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
32490 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
32491 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
32492 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
32493 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
32494 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
32495 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
32496 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
32497 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
32499 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
32500 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
32501 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
32502 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
32503 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
32504 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
32505 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
32506 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
32507 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
32508 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
32509 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
32510 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
32511 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
32512 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
32515 Measure twice, cut once.
32517 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
32520 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
32522 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
32525 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
32526 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
32529 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
32531 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
32532 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
32533 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
32537 An interoffice communication too often written more for
32538 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
32541 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
32542 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
32545 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
32546 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
32547 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
32548 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
32550 I guess some things never leave you.
32551 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
32553 Memory fault -- brain fried
32555 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
32557 Memory fault - where am I?
32559 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
32561 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
32564 Men are superior to women.
32567 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
32570 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
32571 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
32574 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
32577 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
32578 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
32581 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
32582 rights as women have of their wrongs.
32585 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
32587 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
32589 Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
32590 from religious conviction.
32591 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'
\bees", 1670
32593 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
32596 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
32597 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
32598 -- Winston Churchill
32600 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
32601 -- Leonardo da Vinci
32603 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
32605 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
32606 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
32608 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
32609 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
32610 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
32611 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
32612 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
32613 and acts that are contrary to habit...
32614 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
32616 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
32619 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
32621 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
32623 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
32624 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
32626 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
32627 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
32630 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
32631 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
32632 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
32633 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
32634 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
32636 Men who cherish for women the highest
32637 respect are seldom popular with them.
32640 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
32641 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
32643 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
32644 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
32645 cork makes when it is popped.
32647 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
32648 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
32650 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
32651 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
32652 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
32653 can never hope to acquire it.
32655 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
32657 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
32658 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
32659 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
32662 Mental things which have not gone in through the
32663 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
32667 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
32670 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
32673 MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
32675 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
32677 Message will arrive in the mail.
32678 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
32681 One who doubts the established fact that it is
32682 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
32684 Metermaids eat their young.
32686 methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
32687 ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
32688 phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
32689 taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
32690 glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
32691 nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
32692 minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
32693 cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
32694 leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
32695 cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
32696 lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
32697 sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
32698 cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
32699 nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
32700 nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
32701 partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
32702 glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
32703 valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
32704 cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
32705 nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
32706 rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
32707 glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
32708 sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
32709 lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
32710 glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
32711 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
32712 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
32713 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
32716 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
32722 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
32724 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
32726 Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
32727 watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
32729 Microwaves frizz your heir.
32731 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
32733 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
32734 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
32735 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
32737 Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
32738 Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
32740 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
32743 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
32745 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
32747 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
32750 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
32754 Lose a few, lose a few.
32757 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
32759 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
32760 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
32763 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
32764 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
32765 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
32766 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
32767 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
32768 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
32769 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
32770 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
32771 the gold and the black.
32772 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
32774 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
32775 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
32776 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
32777 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
32778 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
32779 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
32781 Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
32783 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
32786 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
32790 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
32791 mosquito supplier to the free world.
32792 come fall in love with a loon.
32793 where visitors turn blue with envy.
32794 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
32795 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
32796 where the elite meet sleet.
32797 glove it or leave it.
32798 many are cold, but few are frozen.
32799 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
32800 land of 10,000 Petersons.
32802 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
32804 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
32805 pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
32808 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
32810 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
32813 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
32815 Misery no longer loves company.
32816 Nowadays it insists on it.
32820 The kind of fortune that never misses.
32821 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32823 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
32826 A title with which we brand unmarried
32827 women to indicate that they are in the market.
32828 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32831 A person who depends on accidental features or
32832 implementation errors and so now has a vested
32833 interest in keeping things from being fixed.
32834 -- Chip Morningstar
32836 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
32838 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
32841 The Georgia Tech of the North
32843 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
32844 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
32845 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
32847 Mittsquinter, adj.:
32848 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
32849 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
32850 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
32852 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
32853 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
32857 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
32858 With five empty seats.
32861 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
32862 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
32864 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
32866 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
32867 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
32868 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
32869 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
32872 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
32873 RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
32874 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
32875 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
32876 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
32877 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
32878 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
32879 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
32880 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
32882 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
32886 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
32887 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
32889 Moderation in all things.
32890 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
32892 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
32895 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
32896 themselves that they have a better idea.
32899 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
32901 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
32902 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
32903 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
32904 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
32905 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
32906 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
32907 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
32908 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
32909 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
32910 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
32911 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
32912 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
32915 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
32917 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
32920 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
32921 not to be aware of it.
32924 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
32925 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
32927 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
32929 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
32930 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
32932 Moebius always does it on the same side.
32934 Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
32936 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
32937 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
32938 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
32940 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
32941 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
32942 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
32943 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
32944 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
32945 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
32946 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
32947 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
32948 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
32949 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
32950 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
32951 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
32954 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
32955 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
32956 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
32957 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
32958 the atom in that it is an ion...
32959 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32961 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
32962 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
32963 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
32966 What you give a person when they are going away.
32968 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
32971 When they finally do have to take you to the
32972 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
32974 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
32977 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
32978 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32981 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
32982 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
32984 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
32986 -- The Best of Will Rogers
32988 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
32992 but is excellent kindling.
32994 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
32995 Is a keen observer of life,
32996 The word intellectual suggests right away
32997 A man who's untrue to his wife.
32998 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
33000 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
33001 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
33004 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
33005 -- Christopher Marlowe
33007 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
33010 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
33013 Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
33015 Money is its own reward.
33017 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
33019 Money is the root of all wealth.
33021 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
33024 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
33025 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
33027 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
33029 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
33030 puts you in a great bargaining position.
33032 Money will say more in one moment than
33033 the most eloquent lover can in years.
33035 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
33038 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
33042 Marriage to one woman at a time.
33045 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
33048 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
33050 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
33051 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
33052 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
33053 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
33056 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
33057 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
33060 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
33061 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
33064 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
33066 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
33069 More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
33070 necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
33074 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
33077 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
33079 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
33081 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
33082 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
33083 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
33084 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
33085 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
33086 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
33087 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
33088 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
33089 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
33091 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
33092 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
33093 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
33094 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
33096 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
33097 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
33098 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
33099 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
33101 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
33102 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
33103 I just want to win one little lottery."
33104 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
33105 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
33108 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
33110 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
33111 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
33112 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
33114 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
33115 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
33116 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
33119 The state bird of New Jersey.
33121 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
33123 Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
33124 because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
33125 and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
33126 eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
33127 and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
33128 female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
33129 dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
33130 by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
33131 truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
33132 them that it doesn't make any difference.
33133 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
33136 Most folks they like the daytime,
33137 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
33138 They're up in the morning,
33139 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
33140 But when the sun goes down,
33141 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
33143 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
33144 and one of them is always night.
33145 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
33146 I guess you're gonna be all right.
33147 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
33148 My eyes just can't stand the light.
33150 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
33153 Most general statements are false, including this one.
33156 Most of our lives are about proving something,
33157 either to ourselves or to someone else.
33159 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
33160 difficulties before we get to them.
33163 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
33164 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
33165 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
33166 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
33167 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
33168 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
33169 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
33170 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
33171 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
33172 -- Alix Kates Shulman
33174 Most of your faults are not your fault.
33176 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
33178 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
33179 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
33180 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
33184 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
33186 Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
33190 Most people deserve each other.
33193 Most people don't need a great deal of love
33194 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
33196 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
33199 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
33201 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
33202 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
33203 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
33204 -- W. Somerset Maugham
33206 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
33208 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
33209 a good reason, and the real reason.
33211 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
33212 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
33215 Most people need some of their problems
33216 to help take their mind off some of the others.
33218 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
33220 Most people want either less corruption
33221 or more of a chance to participate in it.
33223 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
33224 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
33226 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
33228 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
33230 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
33231 can't talk for people who can't read.
33234 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
33236 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
33242 Mother Earth is not flat!
33244 Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
33247 Mother is the invention of necessity.
33249 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
33252 Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
33254 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
33255 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
33258 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
33259 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
33260 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
33262 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
33264 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
33266 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
33270 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
33271 population is growing.
33273 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
33274 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
33275 shirts but they're going back.
33277 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
33278 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
33280 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
33281 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
33282 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
33284 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
33285 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
33288 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
33289 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
33290 wrong, "Up to a point."
33291 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
33292 Yokohama isn't it?"
33293 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
33294 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
33295 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
33296 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
33298 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
33301 Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
33302 consultants, and at some point you time them out.
33305 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
33306 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
33307 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33309 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
33310 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
33311 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
33313 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
33314 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
33315 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
33316 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
33317 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
33319 Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
33320 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
33321 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
33322 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
33323 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
33324 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
33325 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
33326 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
33328 Multics is security spelled sideways.
33330 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
33331 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
33332 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
33333 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
33334 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
33335 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
33336 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
33337 as much fun to watch.
33338 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
33341 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
33343 Mummy dust to make me old;
33344 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
33345 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
33346 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
33347 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
33348 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
33349 Now begin thy magic spell!
33350 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
33353 -- Miguel de Cervantes
33355 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
33356 -- Xaviera Hollander
33358 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
33360 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
33361 talk about after dinner.
33362 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
33364 Murphy was an optimist.
33366 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
33368 Murphy's Law of Research:
33369 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
33371 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
33372 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
33375 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
33376 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
33377 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
33380 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
33382 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
33385 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
33387 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
33388 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
33391 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
33392 long it has become a science project.
33393 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33395 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
33396 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
33398 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
33399 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
33400 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
33401 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
33402 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
33404 And you know two heads are better than one.
33406 My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
33407 threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
33408 First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
33409 frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
33410 the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
33411 forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
33412 perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
33413 the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
33414 crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
33415 symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
33416 in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
33417 really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
33419 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
33421 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
33423 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
33424 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
33426 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
33427 The height of its contents to see!
33428 She lit a small match to assist her,
33429 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
33431 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
33432 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
33433 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
33434 a bulls-eye on the back.
33436 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
33437 said, "So will you."
33438 -- Rodney Dangerfield
33440 My brain is my second favorite organ.
33443 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
33444 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
33447 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
33448 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
33449 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
33450 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
33451 decimal points for the sake of precision.
33452 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
33453 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
33454 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
33455 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
33456 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
33458 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
33459 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
33461 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
33462 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
33463 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
33464 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
33465 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
33466 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
33467 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
33468 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
33469 -- Hunter S. Thompson
33471 "My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
33472 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
33474 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
33476 My darling wife was always glum.
33477 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
33478 And so made sure that she would stay
33479 In better spirits night and day.
33481 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
33482 Unless there are three other people.
33485 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
33487 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
33488 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
33492 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
33495 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
33496 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
33497 -- Erich Maria Remarque
33499 My father taught me three things:
33500 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
33501 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
33502 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
33504 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
33505 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
33508 My father was a saint, I'm not.
33511 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
33512 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
33513 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
33515 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
33516 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
33517 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
33518 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
33519 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
33520 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
33521 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
33522 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
33524 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
33525 but they were there to meet the boat.
33527 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
33528 later I can ask him what he meant.
33531 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
33532 but always, always, he was right.
33534 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
33535 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
33536 back and dig her up.
33538 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
33539 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
33540 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
33541 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
33542 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
33544 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
33546 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
33548 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
33550 My interest is in the future because I am
33551 going to spend the rest of my life there.
33553 My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
33556 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
33557 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
33558 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
33559 And the skies are sunlit for him.
33560 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
33561 As the fragrance of acacia.
33562 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
33563 And I wish he were in Asia.
33564 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
33566 My love runs by like a day in June,
33567 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
33568 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
33569 In the pathway or the morrows.
33570 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
33571 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
33572 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
33573 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
33574 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
33576 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
33577 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
33578 -- George Bernard Shaw
33580 My mind can never know my body, although
33581 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
33582 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
33584 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
33587 My mother loved children -- she would
33588 have given anything if I had been one.
33591 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
33592 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
33593 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
33594 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
33596 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
33600 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
33601 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
33602 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
33603 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
33605 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
33606 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
33607 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
33608 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
33611 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
33613 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
33614 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
33616 My only love sprung from my only hate!
33617 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
33618 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
33620 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
33622 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
33625 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
33626 And he cares not what comes after.
33627 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
33628 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
33629 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
33630 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
33631 My own dear love, he is all my world --
33632 And I wish I'd never met him.
33633 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
33635 My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
33636 perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
33637 words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
33638 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
33640 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
33641 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
33642 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
33643 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
33644 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
33645 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
33646 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
33647 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
33648 -- James A. Michener
33650 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
33652 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
33653 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
33654 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
33655 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
33658 My philosophy is: Don't think.
33661 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
33664 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
33667 My rackets are run on strictly American
33668 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
33671 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
33672 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
33673 with our frail and feeble mind.
33676 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
33677 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
33678 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
33679 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
33680 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
33681 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
33682 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
33683 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
33684 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
33685 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
33686 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
33687 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
33688 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
33689 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
33692 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
33693 reason to limit myself.
33696 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
33697 She sells C shells by the seashore.
33699 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
33700 I do not like me anymore,
33701 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
33702 I ponder on the narrow house
33703 I shudder at the thought of men
33704 I'm due to fall in love again.
33705 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
33707 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
33708 -- Christopher Morley
33710 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
33713 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
33714 That's the funniest joke in the world.
33717 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
33719 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
33720 -- Booth Tarkington
33723 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
33724 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
33725 from the true accounts which it invents later.
33726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
33728 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
33729 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
33730 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
33732 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
33734 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
33735 "So, how's your daughter?"
33736 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
33737 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
33738 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
33739 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
33742 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
33744 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
33747 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
33750 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
33753 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
33755 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
33757 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
33758 -- The Mad Palindromist
33760 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
33762 GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
33764 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
33766 Narcolepulacyi, n.:
33767 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
33769 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
33771 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
33772 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
33773 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
33776 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
33777 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
33778 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
33779 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
33780 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
33781 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
33782 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
33785 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
33786 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
33789 "Have you ever seen me before?"
33791 "Then how do you know it was me?"
33793 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
33795 "Why?", he was asked.
33796 "Because at night we need the light more."
33798 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
33799 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
33800 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
33801 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
33803 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
33805 Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
33806 scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
33807 -- Mary Ellen Kelly
33809 Natural laws have no pity.
33811 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
33812 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
33813 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
33814 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
33815 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
33816 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
33817 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
33821 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
33822 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
33823 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
33827 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
33828 -- Clare Booth Luce
33830 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
33831 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
33833 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
33834 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
33836 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
33838 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
33840 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
33841 cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
33844 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
33845 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
33848 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
33849 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
33850 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
33851 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
33852 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
33853 The solid power of understanding fails;
33854 Where beams of warm imagination play,
33855 The memory's soft figures melt away.
33856 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
33858 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
33861 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
33862 On the Rue des Ecoles
33865 Every evening I would see him
33866 guiding the dog along
33867 the sidewalk, keeping
33868 a firm grip on the leash
33869 so that the dog wouldn't
33870 run into a passerby
33871 Sometimes the dog would stop
33872 and look up at the sky
33874 noticed me watching the dog
33875 and he said, "Oh, yes,
33877 when the moon is out,
33878 he can feel it on his face"
33881 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
33882 want to test a man's character, give him power.
33885 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
33886 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
33889 Necessity has no law.
33892 Necessity hath no law.
33895 Necessity is a mother.
33897 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
33898 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
33899 -- Alfred North Whitehead
33901 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
33902 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
33903 -- William Pitt, 1783
33905 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
33908 Needs are a function of what other people have.
33910 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
33913 Neil Armstrong tripped.
33915 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
33917 Nemo me impune lacessit
33918 [No one provokes me with impunity]
33919 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
33922 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
33923 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
33924 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
33927 Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
33931 Melancholia's blue.
33935 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
33936 Psychotics live in them,
33937 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
33939 Neutrinos are into physicists.
33941 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
33944 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
33945 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
33946 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
33948 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
33951 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
33952 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
33955 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
33957 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
33959 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
33961 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
33964 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
33965 Professionals built the Titanic.
33967 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
33969 Never buy from a rich salesman.
33972 Never buy what you do not want
33973 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
33974 -- Thomas Jefferson
33976 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
33978 Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
33980 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
33982 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
33984 Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
33988 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
33990 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
33991 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
33992 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
33993 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
33995 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
33997 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
33998 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
33999 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
34001 Never eat more than you can lift.
34004 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
34005 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
34007 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
34008 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
34011 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
34014 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
34016 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
34018 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
34020 Never give an inch!
34022 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
34023 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
34025 Never have children, only grandchildren.
34028 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
34031 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
34033 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
34035 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
34038 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
34041 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
34043 Never laugh at live dragons.
34044 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
34046 Never leave anything to chance;
34047 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
34049 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
34052 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
34053 interrupt the person who is doing it.
34055 Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
34057 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
34058 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
34060 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
34063 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
34065 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
34066 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
34068 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
34070 Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
34072 -- Former deputy defense minister of India
34074 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
34075 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
34077 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
34079 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
34081 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
34083 Never promise more than you can perform.
34086 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
34089 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
34091 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
34093 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
34094 law against it by that time.
34096 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
34100 Never reveal your best argument.
34102 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
34104 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
34106 Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
34108 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
34111 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
34113 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
34115 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
34117 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
34118 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
34119 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
34120 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
34123 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
34125 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
34126 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
34127 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
34129 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
34132 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
34134 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
34136 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
34138 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
34141 Never trust an operating system.
34143 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
34145 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
34147 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
34149 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34151 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
34153 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
34154 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
34156 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
34157 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
34159 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
34160 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
34162 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
34164 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
34165 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34167 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
34168 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
34170 Never volunteer for anything.
34173 Never worry about theory as long as the
34174 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
34175 -- Robert A. Heinlein
34178 Different color from previous model.
34180 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
34182 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
34184 New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
34185 any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
34187 New members are urgently needed in the Society
34188 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
34190 New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
34191 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
34194 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
34195 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
34196 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
34198 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
34199 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
34200 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
34202 New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
34204 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
34205 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
34208 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
34209 Flyin' in from London to your door
34210 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
34211 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
34213 -- Simon and Garfunkel
34215 New York's got the ways and means;
34216 Just won't let you be.
34217 -- The Grateful Dead
34220 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
34221 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
34223 Newman's Discovery:
34224 Your best dreams may not come true;
34225 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
34228 Today the East German pole-vault champion
34229 became the West German pole-vault champion.
34234 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
34235 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
34238 Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
34240 -- Adlai E. Stevenson
34242 Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
34244 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
34245 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
34247 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
34248 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
34250 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
34253 Nice guys don't finish nice.
34255 Nice guys finish last.
34258 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
34261 Nice guys get sick.
34263 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
34264 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
34266 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
34268 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
34269 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
34270 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
34272 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
34274 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
34275 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
34276 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
34277 but Americans call him by value.
34279 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
34280 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
34281 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
34282 Three megs for system source;
34284 One disk to rule them all,
34285 One disk to bind them,
34286 One disk to hold the files
34287 And in the darkness grind 'em.
34289 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
34290 And tapes without any tracks;
34291 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
34292 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
34293 Take hold of the tape
34294 And pull off the strip,
34295 And then you'll be sure
34296 Your tape drive will skip.
34298 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
34300 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
34303 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
34304 The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
34307 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
34308 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
34309 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
34311 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
34312 that be and their friends hang out.
34315 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
34316 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
34317 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
34318 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
34320 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
34323 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
34325 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
34327 No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
34328 absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
34331 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
34335 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
34336 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
34338 No character, however upright, is a match for
34339 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
34340 -- Alexander Hamilton
34342 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
34343 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
34344 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
34345 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
34347 No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
34348 camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
34349 effectively under such difficult conditions.
34350 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
34354 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
34355 lectures which are really worth the attending.
34356 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
34358 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
34359 on the grounds that it was human nature.
34361 No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
34362 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
34364 No evil can happen to a good man.
34367 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
34370 No extensible language will be universal.
34373 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
34374 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
34377 No group of professionals meets except to
34378 conspire against the public at large.
34381 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
34382 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
34383 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
34387 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
34388 until three software guys have signed off for it.
34389 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
34391 No, his mind is not for rent
34392 To any god or government.
34393 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
34394 He knows changes aren't permanent -
34397 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
34399 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
34400 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
34401 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
34403 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
34404 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
34406 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
34407 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
34408 and Telegraph Company.
34409 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
34412 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
34415 No job too big; no fee too big!
34416 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
34418 No line available at 300 baud.
34420 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
34421 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
34422 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
34423 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
34424 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
34425 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
34426 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
34427 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
34432 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
34433 interest in hair restorers.
34436 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
34438 -- Channing Pollock
34440 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
34441 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
34442 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
34443 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
34444 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
34445 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
34446 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
34448 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
34450 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
34452 No man is useless who has a friend,
34453 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
34454 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
34456 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
34459 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
34460 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
34463 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
34464 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
34467 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
34468 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
34469 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
34473 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
34475 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
34477 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
34478 signs of improvement.
34479 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
34481 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
34484 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
34486 No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
34487 immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
34489 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
34491 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
34492 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
34494 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
34495 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
34498 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
34499 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
34502 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
34503 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
34504 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
34505 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
34506 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
34507 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
34508 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
34510 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
34511 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
34513 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
34515 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
34516 dirty little beast.
34519 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
34520 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
34522 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
34524 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
34526 No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
34528 No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
34529 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
34531 No one knows like a woman how to say
34532 things that are at once gentle and deep.
34535 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
34538 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
34541 No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
34544 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
34545 one who's giving it.
34548 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
34549 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
34551 No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
34552 system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
34556 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
34557 For this isn't really the norm.
34558 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
34559 So what? Any pork in a storm.
34561 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
34562 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
34563 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
34564 Cast even more perils before swine.
34566 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
34567 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
34568 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
34569 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
34571 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
34572 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
34573 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
34574 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
34576 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
34577 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
34578 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
34579 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
34582 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
34583 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
34584 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
34585 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
34587 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
34588 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
34589 their wish has been granted.
34590 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
34592 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
34594 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
34597 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
34599 "No program is perfect,"
34600 They said with a shrug.
34601 "The customer's happy--
34602 What's one little bug?"
34604 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
34605 The others went home. As year followed year.
34606 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
34607 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
34609 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
34610 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
34611 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
34612 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
34614 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
34615 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
34616 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
34617 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
34618 -- The Perfect Programmer
34620 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
34621 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
34622 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
34623 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
34624 indication-applied occurrence.
34627 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
34629 No rock so hard but that a little wave
34630 May beat admission in a thousand years.
34633 No self-made man ever did such a good job
34634 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
34637 No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
34639 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
34640 taken over by Rupert Murdoch
34642 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
34644 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
34645 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
34646 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
34648 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
34650 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
34651 Finished his old Raven,
34652 then he started his Old Crow.
34654 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
34657 No spitting on the Bus!
34658 Thank you, The Management.
34660 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
34661 -- Richard M. Nixon
34663 No two persons ever read the same book.
34666 No use getting too involved in life --
34667 you're only here for a limited time.
34669 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
34672 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
34673 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
34675 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
34676 him than he deserves.
34679 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
34680 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
34682 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
34684 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
34686 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
34688 Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
34690 -- Tallulah Bankhead
34692 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
34694 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
34697 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
34699 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
34701 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
34702 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
34703 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
34704 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
34705 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
34706 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
34709 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
34711 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
34715 Everybody hates me,
34716 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
34717 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
34718 Eat their insides out,
34719 And throw way the skins.
34720 Big, fat, juicy ones,
34721 Little, skinny, cute ones,
34722 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
34724 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
34725 And then it's too late.
34727 Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
34730 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
34731 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
34732 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
34734 Only Capone kills like that.
34735 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
34737 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
34738 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
34740 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
34741 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
34742 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
34745 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
34746 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
34748 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
34749 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
34751 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
34752 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
34754 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
34755 coming in late and lying about it.
34759 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
34760 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
34764 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
34768 New Yorkerese for expensive.
34772 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34774 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
34777 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
34779 None love the bearer of bad news.
34782 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
34783 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
34784 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
34785 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
34786 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
34787 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
34788 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
34789 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
34790 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
34792 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
34793 Negative expectations yield negative results.
34794 Positive expectations yield negative results.
34796 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
34799 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
34802 Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
34804 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
34806 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
34807 intentions. He had money as well.
34808 -- Margaret Thatcher
34810 Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
34811 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
34812 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
34813 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
34814 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
34815 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
34816 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
34817 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
34818 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
34819 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
34820 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
34821 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
34822 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
34823 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
34824 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
34825 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
34826 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
34827 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
34828 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
34829 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
34830 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
34833 Norm: Hey, everybody.
34834 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
34835 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
34837 How are you feeling today, Norm?
34838 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
34839 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
34841 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
34842 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
34844 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
34846 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
34847 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
34848 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
34850 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
34851 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
34853 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
34854 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
34855 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
34857 Coach: How's life, Norm?
34858 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
34859 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
34861 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
34863 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
34864 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
34865 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
34867 Coach: What's up, Normie?
34868 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
34869 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
34871 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
34873 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
34875 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
34877 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
34878 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
34879 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
34880 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
34882 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
34883 Norm: Elope with my wife.
34884 -- Cheers, The Triangle
34886 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
34887 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
34888 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
34892 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
34893 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
34894 -- Cheers, The Triangle
34896 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
34897 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
34898 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
34899 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
34901 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
34902 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
34903 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
34905 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
34907 Coach: What's up, Norm?
34908 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
34909 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
34911 Sam: What's new, Normie?
34912 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
34913 They're demanding beer.
34914 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
34916 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
34917 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
34918 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
34920 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
34921 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
34923 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
34925 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
34926 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
34927 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
34929 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
34930 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
34931 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
34932 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
34934 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
34936 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
34937 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
34938 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
34940 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
34942 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
34944 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
34946 Not all men who drink are poets.
34947 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
34949 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
34950 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
34952 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
34953 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
34955 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
34956 the capitalist mode of production.
34959 Not every question deserves an answer.
34961 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
34963 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
34964 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
34965 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
34966 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
34967 dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
34968 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
34969 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
34970 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
34971 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
34972 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
34974 Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
34975 -- William Shakespeare
34977 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
34978 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
34979 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
34981 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
34982 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
34984 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
34987 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
34988 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
34989 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
34991 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
34994 Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
34995 to have been written by Bruce Evans.
34996 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
34998 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
34999 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
35000 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
35001 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
35002 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
35003 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
35004 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
35005 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
35006 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
35007 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
35008 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
35009 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
35010 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
35011 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
35013 Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
35015 Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
35016 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
35018 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
35020 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
35021 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
35022 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
35023 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
35024 not to make any poultry jokes.
35027 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
35028 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35030 Nothing can be done in one trip.
35033 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
35035 Nothing endures but change.
35037 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
35039 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
35040 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
35043 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
35044 -- Winston Churchill
35046 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
35047 satisfying as an income tax refund.
35050 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
35052 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
35054 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
35055 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
35056 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
35058 Nothing is but what is not.
35060 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
35062 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
35064 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
35065 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
35067 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
35069 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
35072 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
35075 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
35076 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
35079 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
35081 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
35082 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
35083 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
35085 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
35086 -- Michel de Montaigne
35088 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
35089 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
35091 Nothing lasts forever.
35092 Where do I find nothing?
35094 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
35096 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
35097 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
35100 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
35103 Nothing motivates a man more than to
35104 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
35106 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
35107 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
35108 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
35109 which can be offered to a personality.
35110 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
35112 Nothing recedes like success.
35115 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
35116 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
35119 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
35122 Nothing succeeds like success.
35125 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
35126 -- Christopher Lascl
35128 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
35131 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35132 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35133 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35134 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
35135 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
35136 She got from trying to fight
35137 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
35139 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
35140 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
35141 She said it before, she said it to me,
35142 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
35143 But the same old four imaginary walls
35144 She'd built for livin' inside
35145 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
35147 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
35148 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
35149 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
35150 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
35151 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
35152 The veil that covered her eyes,
35153 I said oh, you can leave it.
35154 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
35156 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
35159 Nothing will ever be attempted
35160 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
35164 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
35165 be summarily put out.
35169 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
35171 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
35173 Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
35174 French for "not enough food".
35176 Continental breakfast, n.:
35177 English for "not enough food".
35180 Spanish for "not enough food".
35183 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
35186 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
35187 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35189 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
35191 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
35192 not better, just different.
35194 Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
35196 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
35197 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
35198 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
35200 Now I lay me back to sleep.
35201 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
35202 If he should stop before I wake,
35203 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
35206 Now I lay me down to sleep
35207 I pray the double lock will keep;
35208 May no brick through the window break,
35209 And, no one rob me till I awake.
35211 Now I lay me down to sleep,
35212 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
35213 If I should die before I wake,
35214 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
35216 Now I lay me down to study,
35217 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
35218 And if I fail to learn this junk,
35219 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
35220 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
35221 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
35222 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
35223 Then pile my books upon my chest.
35225 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
35228 Now is the time for drinking;
35229 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
35230 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35232 Now it's time to say goodbye
35233 To all our company...
35234 M-I-C (see you next week!)
35235 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
35238 Now of my threescore years and ten,
35239 Twenty will not come again,
35240 And take from seventy springs a score,
35241 It leaves me only fifty more.
35243 And since to look at things in bloom
35244 Fifty springs are little room,
35245 About the woodlands I will go
35246 To see the cherry hung with snow.
35249 Now that day wearies me,
35251 Will receive more kindly,
35252 Like a tired child, the starry night.
35254 Hands, leave off your deeds,
35255 Mind, forget all thoughts;
35257 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
35259 And my soul, unguarded,
35260 Would soar on widespread wings,
35261 To live in night's magical sphere
35262 More profoundly, more variously.
35263 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
35265 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
35266 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
35267 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
35268 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
35270 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
35271 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
35272 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
35273 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
35274 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
35275 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
35276 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
35278 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
35280 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
35281 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
35282 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
35283 -- "The Begatting of a President"
35285 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
35286 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
35287 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
35289 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
35290 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
35293 Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
35295 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
35298 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
35299 the next freeway exit.
35301 Now's the time to have some big ideas
35302 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
35303 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
35304 Talking politics and nuclear fission
35305 We see him and he's all washed up --
35306 Moving on into the body of a beetle
35307 Getting ready for a long long crawl
35308 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
35310 Death and Money make their point once more
35311 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
35312 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
35313 Deadly angels for reality and passion
35314 Have the courage of the here and now
35315 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
35316 When you think you got it paid in full
35317 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
35318 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35319 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
35320 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
35321 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
35322 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
35324 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
35325 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
35326 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
35327 Times, June 10, 1955.
35329 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
35332 Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
35335 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
35336 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
35337 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
35339 Nuclear war would really set back cable.
35342 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
35344 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
35346 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
35348 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
35350 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
35353 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
35355 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
35356 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
35357 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
35358 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
35361 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
35362 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
35363 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
35364 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
35366 O! If I were a fish
35367 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
35368 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
35371 For fish don't ever mish;
35372 They needn't flush after they pish!
35373 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
35374 For all the fish!!!
35377 Where the buffalo roam,
35378 Where the deer and the antelope play,
35379 Where seldom is heard
35380 A discouraging word,
35381 'Cause what can an antelope say?
35383 O imitators, you slavish herd!
35384 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35387 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
35388 To use it like a giant.
35389 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
35391 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
35392 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
35394 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
35395 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
35396 Might we not smash it to bits
35397 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
35398 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
35402 Objects are lost only because people
35403 look where they are not rather than where they are.
35406 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
35408 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
35409 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
35410 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
35412 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
35415 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
35418 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
35419 To activate its captivation,
35420 Deposit on its termination,
35421 A quantity of particles saline.
35423 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
35425 Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
35426 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
35427 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
35428 of the grandstands.
35430 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
35433 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
35434 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
35437 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
35438 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
35439 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
35440 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
35441 are the principal industries of the Orient.
35442 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35445 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
35446 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
35448 Odets, where is thy sting?
35449 -- George S. Kaufman
35451 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
35453 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
35454 to know so much and have control over nothing.
35457 Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
35458 reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
35460 -- Thomas L. Martin
35462 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
35465 Of all the words of witch's doom
35466 There's none so bad as which and whom.
35467 The man who kills both which and whom
35468 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
35471 Of all things man is the measure.
35474 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
35477 Of course it's possible to love a human being
35478 if you don't know them too well.
35479 -- Charles Bukowski
35481 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
35482 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
35485 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
35486 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
35488 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
35490 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
35491 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
35493 Office Automation, n.:
35494 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
35495 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
35497 Official Project Stages:
35498 1. Uncritical Acceptance
35500 3. Dejected Disillusionment
35502 5. Search for the Guilty
35503 6. Punishment of the Innocent
35504 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
35506 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
35507 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
35509 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
35512 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
35514 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
35516 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
35519 Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
35521 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
35522 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
35523 And isn't your life extremely flat
35524 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
35526 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
35527 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
35528 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
35529 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
35531 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
35532 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
35533 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
35534 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
35536 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
35537 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
35538 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
35539 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
35541 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
35542 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
35543 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
35544 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
35546 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
35547 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
35548 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
35549 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
35550 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
35552 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
35554 Oh, give me a home,
35555 Where the buffalo roam,
35556 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
35558 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
35559 Where the three-body problem is solved,
35560 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
35561 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
35562 We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
35563 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
35564 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
35565 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
35566 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
35567 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
35568 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
35569 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
35570 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
35571 And living up here is a bore.
35572 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
35573 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
35575 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
35576 Where the space debris always collects,
35577 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
35578 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
35579 -- to Home on the Range
35581 Oh give me your pity!
35582 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
35583 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
35584 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
35586 We confer and concur,
35587 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
35588 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
35589 And consider a load of reports.
35591 We compose and propose,
35592 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
35593 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
35594 There's terribly little gets done.
35596 We resolve and absolve;
35597 But we never dissolve,
35598 Since it's out of the question for us
35599 To bring our committee
35600 To end like this ditty,
35601 Which stops with a period, thus.
35602 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
35604 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
35605 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
35606 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
35607 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
35608 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
35609 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
35610 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
35611 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
35612 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
35613 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
35614 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
35615 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
35616 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
35617 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
35618 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
35620 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
35621 I muck with indices and structs all day
35622 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
35623 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
35625 Oh, I could while away the hours,
35626 Smoking herbs and flowers,
35627 Shooting up my veins,
35628 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
35629 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
35630 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
35631 If I dealt in good cocaine.
35632 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
35634 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
35635 be irresponsible, too.
35638 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
35639 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
35640 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
35641 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
35642 You have not dreamed of --
35643 Wheeled and soared and swung
35644 High in the sunlit silence.
35646 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
35647 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
35648 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
35649 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
35650 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
35651 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
35652 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
35653 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
35654 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
35656 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
35657 From a typical American town.
35658 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
35659 And keeping old Castro down.
35660 And when it came my time to serve
35661 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
35662 But when I got to my old draft board,
35663 Buddy, this is what I said:
35666 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
35667 And I always carry a purse!
35668 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
35669 And my asthma's getting worse!
35670 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
35671 And my poor old invalid aunt!
35672 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
35673 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
35674 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
35676 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
35677 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
35678 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
35679 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
35681 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
35682 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
35683 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
35685 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
35686 it's what you do with what you have left.
35687 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
35689 Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
35690 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
35692 Oh, so there you are!
35694 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
35695 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
35696 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
35697 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
35698 -- The Smothers Brothers
35700 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
35701 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
35703 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
35704 To see oursel's as others see us!
35705 It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
35706 And foolish notion.
35707 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
35709 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
35710 Born under one law, to another bound.
35711 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
35713 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
35715 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
35716 -- William Shakespeare
35718 Oh, when I was in love with you,
35719 Then I was clean and brave,
35720 And miles around the wonder grew
35721 How well did I behave.
35723 And now the fancy passes by,
35724 And nothing will remain,
35725 And miles around they'll say that I
35726 Am quite myself again.
35729 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
35731 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
35732 you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
35733 J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
35734 you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
35736 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
35737 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
35741 Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
35742 have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
35743 just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
35744 until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
35745 save precious time and electrons.
35748 OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
35751 OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
35753 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
35754 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
35755 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
35756 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
35758 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
35760 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
35763 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
35766 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
35769 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
35771 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
35773 Old Japanese proverb:
35774 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
35775 and those who climb it twice.
35777 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
35779 Old mail has arrived.
35781 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being
35782 no longer in a position to give bad examples.
35783 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
35785 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
35786 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
35787 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
35788 And so was her daughter, I guess...
35790 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
35792 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
35794 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
35796 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
35798 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
35801 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
35804 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
35806 Omnibiblious, adj.:
35807 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
35810 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
35812 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
35815 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
35817 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
35820 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
35821 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
35823 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
35824 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
35827 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
35828 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
35829 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
35831 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
35832 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
35836 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
35837 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
35838 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
35839 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
35840 you come any closer."
35841 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
35843 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
35845 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
35846 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
35847 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
35850 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
35851 proposition that all men are created jerks.
35852 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
35854 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
35855 same moment -- halftime.
35857 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
35859 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
35860 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
35861 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
35862 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
35864 On the subject of C program indentation:
35866 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
35867 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
35868 -- Blair P. Houghton
35870 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
35871 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
35873 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
35874 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
35875 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
35876 ideas that could provoke such a question.
35879 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
35880 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
35881 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
35883 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
35884 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
35888 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35890 Once again dread deed is done.
35892 his all-knowing eye shaded
35893 to human chance and circumstance.
35894 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
35895 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
35897 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
35898 Impatient hands wait eagerly
35900 scant moments of time
35901 wrested from life in the full
35902 glory of Canon's power;
35903 held captive by his unblinking eye.
35905 Three golden orbs stand watch;
35906 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
35907 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
35908 When that feared moment arrives,
35909 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
35910 It tolls for thee."
35911 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
35912 Valley Pawn Shop today"
35914 Once Again From the Top
35916 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
35917 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
35918 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
35919 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
35920 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
35921 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
35922 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
35923 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
35924 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
35925 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
35926 The Herald regrets the errors."
35927 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
35929 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
35930 each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
35933 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
35934 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
35935 and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
35936 passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
35937 Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
35938 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
35940 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
35941 Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
35942 Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
35943 principals or your mistress."
35945 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
35948 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
35949 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
35950 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
35951 the railroad yards."
35952 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
35953 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
35954 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
35956 Once I finally figured out all of life's
35957 answers, they changed the questions.
35959 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
35960 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
35961 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
35963 Once is happenstance,
35964 Twice is coincidence,
35965 Three times is enemy action.
35966 -- Auric Goldfinger
35968 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
35969 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
35971 Once Law was sitting on the bench
35972 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
35973 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
35974 Nor come before me creeping.
35975 Upon your knees if you appear,
35976 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
35978 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
35979 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
35980 "Amica curiae," she replied --
35981 "Friend of the court, so please you."
35982 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
35983 I never saw your face before!"
35984 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
35986 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
35987 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
35988 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
35989 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
35992 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
35995 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
35996 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
35997 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
35998 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
35999 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
36000 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
36001 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
36002 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
36003 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
36004 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
36005 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
36006 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
36007 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
36008 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
36009 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
36010 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
36011 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
36012 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
36013 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
36014 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
36015 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
36016 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
36018 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
36019 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
36020 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
36021 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
36022 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
36023 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
36024 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
36025 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
36026 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
36028 Once upon a time there...
36030 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
36031 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
36032 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
36033 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
36034 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
36035 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
36036 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
36037 possession. And the moral of the story is:
36039 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
36042 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
36043 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
36044 Over many a broken and subordinate
36045 Volume of gnarly lore,
36046 While I pestered, nearly singing,
36047 Suddenly there came a hewing,
36048 As of someone profusely skulking,
36049 Skulking at my chamber door.
36051 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
36053 Once you've tried to change the world you find
36054 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
36056 One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
36057 somebody's listening.
36058 -- Franklin P. Jones
36060 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
36062 "One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
36064 Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
36065 The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
36066 -- Chuq Von Rospach
36068 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
36070 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
36072 One Bell System - it works.
36074 One big pile is better than two little piles.
36077 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
36080 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
36081 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
36084 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
36085 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
36086 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
36088 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
36090 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
36091 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
36092 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
36094 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
36096 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
36097 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
36099 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
36100 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
36101 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
36102 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
36103 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
36104 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
36105 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
36106 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
36107 and march back home."
36108 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
36109 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
36110 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
36111 to Poland three times and never invade?"
36112 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
36114 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
36115 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
36116 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
36117 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
36118 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
36119 is death by hanging."
36120 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
36121 "I don't believe you."
36122 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
36123 "But that would make it the truth!"
36124 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
36126 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
36127 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
36128 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
36129 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
36130 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
36131 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
36132 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
36133 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
36134 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
36135 there a number of details to be figured out.
36136 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
36137 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
36138 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
36140 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
36141 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
36142 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
36143 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
36144 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
36145 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
36146 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
36147 harmonic motion..."
36151 With nothing to say,
36152 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36153 That started: "One day,
36155 With nothing to say,
36156 Wrote a mad meta-poem
36157 That started: "One day,
36160 Were the words that the poet,
36162 To bring his mad poem,
36163 To some sort of close".
36164 Were the words that the poet,
36166 To bring his mad poem,
36167 To some sort of close".
36169 One difference between a man and a machine
36170 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
36172 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
36175 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
36176 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
36177 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
36178 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
36179 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
36180 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
36181 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
36182 been havin' all these years."
36183 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
36184 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
36185 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
36186 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
36187 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
36188 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
36189 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
36190 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
36191 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
36193 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
36196 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
36198 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
36201 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
36202 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
36204 -- Henry Brook Adams
36206 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
36207 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
36209 One good reason why computers can do more work than
36210 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
36212 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
36214 One good thing about music,
36215 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
36216 So hit me with music;
36217 Hit me with music now.
36218 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
36220 One good turn asketh another.
36223 One good turn deserves another.
36226 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
36228 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
36229 and end up with the atomic bomb.
36232 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
36235 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
36236 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
36238 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
36241 One learns to itch where one can scratch.
36244 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
36245 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
36247 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
36249 One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
36250 one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
36251 produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
36252 represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
36256 One man's constant is another man's variable.
36259 One man's folly is another man's wife.
36262 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
36263 "Supernatural" is a null word.
36265 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
36268 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
36270 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
36271 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
36274 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
36276 One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
36277 will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
36280 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
36284 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
36286 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
36288 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
36289 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
36290 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
36291 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
36292 nobody can touch him.
36293 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
36295 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
36296 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
36300 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
36301 enough to give you presents they make at school.
36304 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
36305 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
36306 -- Joyce Carol Oates
36308 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
36309 do and always a clever thing to say.
36312 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
36313 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
36314 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
36315 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
36316 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
36317 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
36318 renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
36319 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
36320 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
36321 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
36322 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
36324 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
36325 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
36328 One of the most striking differences between a
36329 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
36332 One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
36333 create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_
\bs_
\bo_
\bm_
\be_
\bb_
\bo_
\bd_
\by has to buy
36335 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
36337 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
36339 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
36341 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
36342 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
36343 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
36344 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
36345 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
36347 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
36348 once had a publisher shot.
36349 -- Siegfried Unseld
36351 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
36353 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
36354 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
36355 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
36356 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
36357 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
36358 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
36359 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
36360 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
36361 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
36363 One organism, one vote.
36365 One person's error is another person's data.
36367 One picture is worth 128K words.
36369 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
36372 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
36373 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
36374 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
36375 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
36376 Go ask Alice Call Alice
36377 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
36379 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
36380 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
36381 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
36383 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
36384 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
36385 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
36388 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
36390 One planet is all you get.
36392 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
36393 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
36395 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
36396 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
36397 they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
36398 say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
36399 study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
36400 sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
36401 strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
36402 rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
36403 be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
36404 Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
36405 Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
36406 millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
36407 support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
36408 your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
36409 of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
36410 already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
36411 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
36413 One reason why George Washington
36414 Is held in such veneration:
36415 He never blamed his problems
36416 On the former Administration.
36417 -- George O. Ludcke
36419 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
36420 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
36421 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
36422 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
36423 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
36424 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
36425 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
36426 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
36429 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
36431 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
36435 Doesn't fit anyone.
36437 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
36439 One thing about the past.
36440 It's likely to last.
36443 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
36444 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
36445 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
36446 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
36448 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
36450 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
36452 One thing the inventors can't seem to
36453 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
36455 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
36456 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
36460 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
36462 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
36463 One toke over the line,
36464 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
36465 One toke over the line.
36466 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
36467 Hopin' that the train is on time,
36468 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
36469 One toke over the line.
36471 One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
36474 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
36476 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
36477 the stake while the votes were being counted.
36480 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
36484 One-Shot Case Study, n.:
36485 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
36486 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
36489 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
36492 Only a fool has no doubts.
36494 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
36495 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
36497 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
36499 Only fools are quoted.
36502 Only God can make random selections.
36504 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
36507 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
36508 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
36510 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
36511 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
36514 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
36515 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
36517 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
36518 to use the editorial "we".
36520 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
36521 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
36523 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
36526 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
36527 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
36528 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
36529 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
36530 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
36531 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
36532 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
36533 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
36534 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
36535 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
36536 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
36537 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
36539 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
36542 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
36543 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
36546 Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
36548 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
36550 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
36551 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
36552 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
36553 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
36554 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
36555 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
36556 -- Sicilian police officer
36558 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
36559 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
36561 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
36563 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
36565 Onward through the fog.
36567 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
36569 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
36572 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
36573 feel like eating for the next six days.
36574 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
36576 Oppernockity tunes but once.
36578 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
36579 work, so most people don't recognize them.
36581 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
36582 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
36583 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
36584 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
36586 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
36587 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
36590 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
36591 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
36592 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
36593 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
36594 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
36595 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
36598 A bagpiper with a beeper.
36601 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
36603 A pessimist asked God for relief.
36604 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
36605 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
36606 would justify them."
36607 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
36608 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
36609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36612 Someone who goes down to the marriage
36613 bureau to see if his license has expired.
36615 Optimization hinders evolution.
36617 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
36620 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
36622 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
36623 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
36627 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
36630 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
36633 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
36634 Cleanliness is next to impossible
36638 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
36639 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
36642 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
36643 to people you could not have possibly met.
36644 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
36647 Variables won't; constants aren't.
36649 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
36652 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
36653 Where most she satisfies.
36654 -- Antony and Cleopatra
36656 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
36658 Others will look to you for stability,
36659 so hide when you bite your nails.
36661 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
36662 Murphy was an optimist.
36664 Ouch! That felt good!
36667 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
36668 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
36670 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
36671 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
36672 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
36674 Our business in life is not to succeed
36675 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
36676 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
36678 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
36679 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
36680 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
36681 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
36682 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
36683 home-made, hand-held model.
36685 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
36686 to the Pentagon free of charge:
36688 a. Don't kill anybody.
36689 b. Don't build things that do.
36690 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
36692 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
36695 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
36696 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
36698 Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
36699 office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
36700 were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
36701 juice. But only *_
\bh_
\be* had a lollipop.
36703 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
36707 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
36708 means to be a programmer."
36710 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
36711 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
36712 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
36713 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
36714 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
36715 to have been quite real.
36716 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
36718 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
36720 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
36721 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
36723 Our little systems have their day;
36724 They have their day and cease to be;
36725 They are but broken lights of thee.
36728 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
36729 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
36730 In kernel as it is in user.
36732 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
36733 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
36734 rain, we were punished.
36735 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
36737 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
36738 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
36740 Our problems are so serious that the best
36741 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
36743 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
36744 We their sons are more worthless than they:
36745 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
36746 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
36748 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
36749 -- Christopher Marlowe
36751 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
36752 In all of the directions it can whiz;
36753 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
36754 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
36755 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
36756 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
36757 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
36758 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
36761 Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
36764 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
36765 -- General Omar N. Bradley
36767 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
36768 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
36770 Out of sight is out of mind.
36773 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
36776 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
36778 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
36779 it's too dark to read.
36782 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
36783 need of the manager than the programming task.
36785 Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
36786 I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
36788 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
36789 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
36790 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
36791 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
36792 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
36793 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
36794 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
36796 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
36797 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
36798 Concepts and Philosophies,"
36799 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
36801 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
36802 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
36803 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
36804 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
36806 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
36808 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
36810 Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
36813 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
36815 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
36817 Owe no man any thing...
36820 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
36821 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
36822 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
36823 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
36824 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
36825 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
36826 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
36827 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
36828 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
36831 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
36832 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
36833 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
36834 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
36835 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
36837 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
36838 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
36839 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
36842 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
36843 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
36845 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
36848 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
36849 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
36850 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
36851 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
36853 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
36854 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
36855 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
36856 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
36857 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
36858 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
36859 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
36861 troopa, n: A state policeman.
36862 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
36863 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
36864 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
36867 Falling out of a twenty story building,
36868 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
36871 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
36874 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
36876 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
36879 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
36880 exposing them to the critic.
36881 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
36884 Never open a box you didn't close.
36886 panic: can't find /
36888 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
36890 panic: kernel trap (ignored)
36894 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
36895 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
36896 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
36897 2 soupcons == too much paprika
36899 Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
36903 Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
36905 Paralysis through analysis.
36908 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
36910 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
36912 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
36914 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
36916 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
36917 Now ... just try to find out where!
36919 Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
36921 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
36922 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
36925 Pardon me while I laugh.
36927 Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
36929 Pardo's First Postulate:
36930 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
36934 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
36936 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
36937 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
36940 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
36942 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
36943 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
36944 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
36946 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
36947 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
36948 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
36950 Parsley is gharsley.
36953 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
36956 A gathering where you meet people who drink
36957 so much you can't even remember their names.
36959 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
36960 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
36962 Pascal is not a high-level language.
36965 Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
36966 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
36969 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
36970 in his grave if he knew about it.
36971 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
36974 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
36975 Please modify your programs accordingly.
36978 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
36979 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
36981 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
36986 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
36988 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
36989 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
36990 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
36991 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
36993 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
36994 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
36996 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
36997 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
37000 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
37002 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
37003 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
37004 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
37005 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
37006 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
37007 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
37008 par for the course, Charlie.
37009 -- The Firesign Theatre
37012 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
37013 under brain transplants.
37015 Patch griefs with proverbs.
37016 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
37019 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
37021 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
37023 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
37026 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
37027 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
37029 Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
37030 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
37032 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
37033 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37035 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37036 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
37038 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
37039 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
37040 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
37043 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
37044 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
37045 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
37047 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
37050 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
37053 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
37056 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
37059 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
37063 You can't fall off the floor.
37065 Pause for storage relocation.
37067 Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
37068 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
37071 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
37072 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
37073 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
37074 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
37084 up your ides under brown-
37091 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
37093 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
37094 can only be achieved by understanding.
37097 Peace is much more precious than a piece
37098 of land... let there be no more wars.
37099 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
37102 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
37103 periods of fighting.
37104 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37108 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
37109 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
37110 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
37112 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
37114 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
37115 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
37116 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
37117 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
37119 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
37120 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
37121 the week that has a "y" in it.
37124 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
37125 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
37126 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37129 A car with only one working headlight.
37130 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37132 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
37133 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
37134 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
37135 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
37136 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
37137 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
37138 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
37139 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
37141 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
37142 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
37143 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
37145 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
37151 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
37154 "I will never understand people."
37155 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
37156 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
37157 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
37158 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
37159 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
37160 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
37161 -- no offense intended."
37162 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
37164 Penguin Trivia #46:
37165 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
37166 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
37171 A federally insured chain letter.
37173 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
37174 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
37175 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
37176 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
37177 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
37178 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
37179 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37181 People are beginning to notice you.
37182 Try dressing before you leave the house.
37184 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
37186 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
37188 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
37189 times, four time, five times...
37191 People in general do not willingly read
37192 if they have anything else to amuse them.
37195 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
37196 -- The Best of Will Rogers
37198 People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
37199 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
37201 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
37203 -- Otto von Bismarck
37205 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
37206 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
37207 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37209 People often find it easier to be a
37210 result of the past than a cause of the future.
37212 People respond to people who respond.
37214 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
37218 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
37219 have been left out on the pleasure.
37222 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
37223 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
37224 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
37225 the concentration camps.
37227 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
37229 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
37230 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
37233 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
37236 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
37238 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
37239 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
37240 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
37242 People who claim they don't let little things bother
37243 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
37245 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
37246 -- Abigail Van Buren
37248 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
37250 People who have no faults are terrible;
37251 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
37253 People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
37254 what they want that they don't want it.
37257 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
37259 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
37261 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
37263 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
37266 People who think they know everything
37267 greatly annoy those of us who do.
37269 People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
37270 Franklin said it first.
37272 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
37274 People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
37277 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
37279 People's Action Rules:
37280 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
37281 (2) Some people who should, won't.
37282 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
37283 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
37284 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
37286 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
37289 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
37290 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
37292 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
37295 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
37298 One who makes his host feel at home.
37300 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
37301 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
37302 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
37305 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
37306 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
37307 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
37309 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
37310 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
37313 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
37314 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
37317 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
37319 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
37320 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
37321 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
37322 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
37324 Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
37328 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
37329 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
37330 -- Gandalf the Grey
37332 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
37333 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
37334 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
37335 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
37336 the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
37337 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
37338 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
37339 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
37340 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
37341 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
37342 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
37343 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
37344 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
37345 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
37346 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
37347 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
37348 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
37350 -- Fowler's English Usage
37352 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
37353 a merit in political leaders.
37354 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
37356 Personifiers of the world, unite!
37357 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37358 -- Bernadette Bosky
37360 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
37362 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
37363 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
37364 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
37365 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
37368 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
37369 wolf from the door.
37372 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
37376 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
37378 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
37379 Waiter: Who told you?
37380 Pete: A little swallow.
37382 Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
37383 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
37384 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
37385 into suitable containers and cook until done.
37387 Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
37388 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
37389 emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
37390 identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
37391 Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
37393 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
37395 Peter's Law of Substitution:
37396 Look after the molehills, and the
37397 mountains will look after themselves.
37399 Peter's Principle of Success:
37400 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
37403 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
37406 Peterson's Admonition:
37407 When you think you're going down for the third time --
37408 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
37411 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
37412 are filled with something sticky.
37413 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
37414 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
37415 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
37418 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
37419 the window of a vending machine too long.
37420 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
37422 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
37424 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
37425 exciting Camden, New Jersey.
37427 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
37430 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
37433 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
37435 Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
37438 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
37441 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
37442 that will bring it back to life).
37443 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
37445 Photographing a volcano is just about
37446 the most miserable thing you can do.
37447 -- Robert B. Goodman
37448 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
37450 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
37451 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
37452 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
37453 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
37455 Pick another fortune cookie.
37457 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
37458 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
37459 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
37460 She left me not knowing what to do.
37462 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
37463 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
37464 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
37465 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
37467 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
37468 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
37469 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
37470 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
37471 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
37473 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
37474 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
37475 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
37476 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
37477 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
37480 If Congress must do a painful thing,
37481 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
37483 Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
37484 hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
37485 sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
37487 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
37488 Not one damn thing do we solve.
37491 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
37497 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
37498 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
37499 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
37500 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37502 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
37503 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
37506 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
37507 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
37509 Piping down the valleys wild,
37510 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
37511 On a cloud I saw a child,
37512 And he laughing said to me:
37513 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
37514 So I piped with merry cheer.
37515 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
37516 So I piped: he wept to hear.
37517 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
37519 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
37520 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
37521 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
37522 -- Love and Rockets
37524 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
37525 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
37526 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
37527 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
37528 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
37531 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
37532 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
37533 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
37534 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
37535 get run over by a bus.
37537 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
37538 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
37539 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
37540 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
37543 Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
37547 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
37548 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
37549 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
37550 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
37555 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
37557 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
37558 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
37559 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
37560 Don't shade your eyes,
37561 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
37562 Only be sure to call it research.
37565 Planet Claire has pink hair.
37566 All the trees are red.
37567 No one ever dies there.
37568 No one has a head....
37570 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
37571 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
37572 -- Green Lantern Comics
37574 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
37575 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
37576 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
37577 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
37580 Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
37583 Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
37585 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
37587 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
37588 by asking me to do something for you.
37590 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
37591 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
37593 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
37595 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
37596 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
37598 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
37599 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
37603 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
37605 Please ignore previous fortune.
37607 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
37609 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
37611 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
37612 us being hysterical at the same time.
37614 Please stand for the National Anthem:
37616 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
37617 For we are young and free.
37618 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
37619 Our home is girt by sea.
37620 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
37621 Of beauty rich and rare.
37622 In history's page, let every stage
37623 Advance Australia Fair.
37624 In joyful strains then let us sing,
37625 Advance Australia Fair.
37627 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
37629 Please stand for the National Anthem:
37631 God save our Gracious Queen!
37632 Long live our Noble Queen!
37633 God save the Queen!
37634 Send her victorious,
37635 Happy and glorious,
37636 Long to reign o'er us!
37637 God save the Queen!
37639 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
37641 Please stand for the National Anthem:
37644 Our home and native land
37646 In all thy sons' command
37647 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
37648 The true north strong and free
37649 From far and wide, O Canada
37650 We stand on guard for thee
37651 God keep our land glorious and free
37652 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
37653 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
37655 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
37657 Please stand for the National Anthem:
37659 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
37660 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
37661 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
37662 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
37663 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
37664 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
37665 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
37666 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
37668 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
37672 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
37673 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
37674 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
37677 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
37679 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
37681 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
37683 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
37684 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
37685 an uncontainable experience.
37690 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
37693 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
37695 Poisoned coffee, n.:
37696 Grounds for divorce.
37698 Poland has gun control.
37700 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
37702 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
37703 Host: About the drugs?
37705 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
37706 Police: No, the noise.
37707 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
37708 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
37709 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
37711 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
37712 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
37713 ask the host to quiet things down?
37714 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
37715 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
37716 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
37717 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
37718 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
37721 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
37725 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
37726 here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
37727 -- Alfred E. Neuman
37729 Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
37730 all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
37733 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
37734 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
37735 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
37736 compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
37738 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37741 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
37742 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
37743 Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
37746 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
37747 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
37748 -- Nikita Khrushchev
37750 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
37751 -- Arthur C. Clarke
37753 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
37754 been, and never will be wrong.
37757 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
37758 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
37761 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
37762 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
37766 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
37767 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
37768 -- Winston Churchill
37770 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
37771 systematic organisation of hatreds.
37772 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
37774 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
37775 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
37777 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
37778 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
37779 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
37781 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
37782 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
37785 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
37786 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
37787 explain why it didn't happen.
37788 -- Winston Churchill
37790 Politics, like religion, hold up the
37791 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
37792 -- Thomas Jefferson
37794 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
37798 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
37799 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
37800 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37802 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
37803 The hyperactive child is never absent.
37808 Polymer physicists are into chains.
37811 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
37812 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
37815 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
37816 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
37817 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
37818 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
37819 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
37821 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
37822 Half a pound of treacle
37823 That's the way the chimney smokes
37826 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
37827 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
37828 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
37829 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
37830 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
37832 Populus vult decipi.
37833 [The people like to be deceived.]
37835 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
37839 Survives system reboot.
37842 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
37845 Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
37846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37848 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
37851 Post proelium, praemium.
37852 [After the battle, the reward.]
37854 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
37856 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
37858 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
37859 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
37860 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
37861 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
37862 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
37864 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
37865 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
37866 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
37867 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
37868 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
37869 diets that are driving them crazy.
37871 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
37872 Except with sour cream.
37874 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
37876 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
37877 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
37878 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
37879 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
37881 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
37882 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
37883 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
37884 general butter-melting by all.
37886 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
37887 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
37889 Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
37892 An unfortunate state that persists as long
37893 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
37895 Poverty begins at home.
37897 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
37901 Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
37902 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
37904 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
37905 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
37907 Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
37909 Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
37914 Power is the finest token of affection.
37916 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
37917 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
37918 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
37921 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
37923 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
37926 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
37928 Practical people would be more practical if
37929 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
37932 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
37935 Practically perfect people never permit
37936 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
37939 Practice is the best of all instructors.
37942 Practice yourself what you preach.
37943 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
37946 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
37948 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
37949 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
37951 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
37954 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
37958 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
37959 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
37960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37962 Predestination was doomed from the start.
37964 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
37968 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
37969 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
37971 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
37974 Preserve the old, but know the new.
37976 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
37978 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
37980 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
37981 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
37983 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
37984 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
37985 -- The Washington Post
37987 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
37989 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
37990 It's on the other side.
37993 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
37995 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
37996 the working man, he loves to see him work.
37997 -- Winston Churchill
37999 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
38000 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
38001 -- Winston Churchill
38003 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
38004 For having it off with his Mater;
38005 Revenge Dad or not?
38006 That's the gist of the plot,
38007 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
38008 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
38010 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
38011 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
38013 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
38016 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
38017 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
38018 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
38019 badly than someone else.
38021 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
38024 Prizes are for children.
38026 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
38028 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
38030 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
38031 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
38032 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
38033 Because she's unable to postulate How.
38034 -- Frederick Winsor
38036 Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
38037 orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
38038 is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
38039 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
38043 A man who never buys.
38045 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
38046 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
38047 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
38048 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
38049 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
38051 Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
38052 encryption standard and they came up with ...
38055 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
38057 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
38058 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
38059 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
38060 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
38063 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
38064 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
38065 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
38066 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
38069 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
38070 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
38071 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
38073 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
38074 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
38075 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
38077 Programming Department:
38078 Mistakes made while you wait.
38080 Programming is an unnatural act.
38082 Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
38083 build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
38084 to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
38088 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
38089 invading the body and taking possession of it.
38091 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
38092 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
38094 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
38095 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
38096 -- George Bernard Shaw
38098 Progress means replacing a theory that
38099 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
38101 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
38104 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
38107 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
38109 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
38111 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
38112 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
38113 level where they can't foul up operations.
38115 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
38117 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
38119 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
38120 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
38122 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
38124 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
38125 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
38126 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
38127 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
38128 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
38129 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
38131 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
38132 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
38133 (1) Horses have an even number of legs.
38134 (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
38135 (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
38137 (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
38138 (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
38140 Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
38142 Gesticulation (handwaving)
38144 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
38146 Changing all the 2's to _
\bn's
38148 Lack of a counterexample, and
38149 "It stands to reason"
38151 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
38152 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
38155 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38157 BBW Branch Both Ways
38158 BEW Branch Either Way
38159 BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
38161 BMR Branch Multiple Registers
38163 BPO Branch on Power Off
38164 BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
38165 CDS Condense and Destroy System
38166 CLBR Clobber Register
38167 CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
38168 CM Circulate Memory
38169 CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
38170 CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
38171 CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
38173 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38175 DC Divide and Conquer
38176 DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
38177 DO Divide and Overflow
38178 EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
38179 EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
38180 EROS Erase Read Only Storage
38181 EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
38182 HCF Halt and Catch Fire
38183 IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
38184 INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
38185 PBC Print and Break Chain
38188 Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
38191 POPI Punch Operator Immediately
38192 PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
38193 RASC Read And Shred Card
38194 RPM Read Programmers Mind
38195 RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
38196 RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
38198 RWOC Read Writing On Card
38199 SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
38200 SLC Search for Lost Chord
38201 SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
38202 SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
38203 STROM Store in Read Only Memory
38204 TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
38205 WBT Water Binary Tree
38207 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
38210 Prototype designs always work.
38214 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
38215 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
38216 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
38217 prototype is not expected to work.
38219 Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
38220 than the both put together.
38222 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
38223 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
38225 Prunes give you a run for your money.
38227 Pryor's Observation:
38228 How long you live has nothing to do
38229 with how long you are going to be dead.
38231 PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
38232 daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
38233 or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
38234 junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
38235 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
38237 Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
38238 three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
38240 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
38242 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
38244 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
38246 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
38250 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
38252 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
38256 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
38259 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
38260 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
38261 Biologists think they're biochemists.
38262 Biochemists think they're chemists.
38263 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
38264 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
38265 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
38266 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
38267 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
38268 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
38269 Philosophers think they're gods.
38271 Psychology. Mind over matter.
38272 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
38275 Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
38276 anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
38279 Public use of any portable music system is a
38280 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
38283 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
38284 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
38287 Anything that begins well will end badly.
38288 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
38290 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
38292 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
38293 to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
38294 to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
38295 cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
38296 fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
38297 lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
38298 the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
38299 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
38301 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
38306 Someone who is deathly afraid that
38307 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
38309 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
38310 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
38313 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
38314 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
38315 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
38317 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
38319 Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
38321 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
38322 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
38323 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
38324 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
38327 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
38328 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
38330 Put another password in,
38331 Bomb it out, then try again.
38332 Try to get past logging in,
38333 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
38335 Try his first wife's maiden name,
38336 This is more than just a game.
38337 It's real fun, but just the same,
38338 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
38340 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
38342 Put no trust in cryptic comments.
38344 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
38346 Put your best foot forward.
38347 Or just call in and say you're sick.
38349 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
38351 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
38352 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
38354 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
38357 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
38358 Those who understand what they do not manage.
38359 Those who manage what they do not understand.
38361 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
38366 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
38369 Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
38371 A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
38375 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
38376 A: He got re-possessed!
38378 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
38379 A: With three more bullets.
38381 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
38383 A: You have to wait 22 months.
38385 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
38387 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
38389 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
38390 A: When his lips move.
38392 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
38393 A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
38395 Q: But how did he get back down?
38396 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
38398 Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
38401 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
38402 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
38404 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
38405 A: Unique up on it!
38407 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
38410 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
38412 Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
38413 A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
38415 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
38416 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
38418 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
38419 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
38421 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
38422 A: Throw him a rock.
38424 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
38425 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
38427 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
38428 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
38429 a blue-elephant gun.
38431 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
38432 A: Take away his credit cards.
38434 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
38435 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
38436 A: He changes the domain.
38438 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
38439 A: She asks them for a commitment.
38441 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
38442 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
38444 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
38445 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
38446 of license fee (binary only).
38448 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
38449 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
38450 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
38452 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38453 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
38454 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
38455 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
38457 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
38458 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
38459 those Californians trying to share the experience.
38461 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38462 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
38464 Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
38465 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
38467 Q: How long does it take?
38468 A: It's indeterminate.
38469 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
38471 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
38472 A: They replace your generator.
38474 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
38475 A: One more than you can find.
38477 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
38478 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
38480 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
38481 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
38483 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
38484 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
38486 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
38487 A: The door won't shut.
38489 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
38490 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
38492 Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38493 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
38494 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
38495 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
38496 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
38498 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
38499 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
38501 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
38502 A: None. The application can work around it.
38504 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
38505 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
38507 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
38508 A: None. The user can figure it out.
38510 Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38511 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
38513 Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
38514 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
38516 Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
38517 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
38519 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
38520 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
38521 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
38522 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
38523 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
38524 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
38526 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38527 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
38528 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
38529 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
38530 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
38531 the bulb in the first place.
38533 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
38534 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
38536 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
38537 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
38538 and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
38539 do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
38540 party of the second part shall be removed from the current
38541 position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
38542 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
38543 illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
38544 through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
38545 primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
38546 any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
38547 the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
38548 between the parties.
38550 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
38551 be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
38552 shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
38553 chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
38554 the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
38555 part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
38556 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
38557 second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
38558 party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
38559 the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
38560 relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
38562 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
38563 the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
38564 Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
38565 the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
38566 self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
38567 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
38570 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
38571 the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
38572 by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
38573 revenue for the Partnership.
38575 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
38576 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
38577 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
38579 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
38580 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
38582 Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38585 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38586 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
38588 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
38589 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
38590 to the earlier joke.
38592 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
38594 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
38595 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
38596 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
38597 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
38598 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
38599 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
38600 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
38601 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
38602 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
38603 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
38604 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
38605 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
38606 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
38607 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
38608 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
38609 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
38610 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
38611 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
38613 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
38615 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
38618 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
38619 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
38620 out from under him.
38622 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
38623 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
38624 to really want to change.
38626 Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
38627 A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
38628 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
38630 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
38631 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
38632 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
38634 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
38635 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
38636 with brightly colored machine tools.
38638 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
38640 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
38643 Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
38644 A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
38647 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
38650 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
38653 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
38654 and putting wings on an elephant is?
38655 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
38657 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
38658 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
38659 bottles into the typewriter.
38661 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
38663 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
38664 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
38665 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
38666 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
38667 somebody else has made the correction.
38669 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
38670 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
38671 to inform the whole net right away!
38672 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
38675 Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
38678 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
38679 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
38681 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
38683 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
38685 Q: What did the regular expression match?
38686 A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
38688 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
38689 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
38690 they go down on you.
38692 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
38693 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
38695 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
38696 puzzle in only 6 months?
38697 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
38699 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
38700 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
38702 Q: What do monsters eat?
38705 Q: What do monsters drink?
38706 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
38708 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
38709 A: The impossible dream.
38711 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
38712 A: Rule the country.
38714 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
38715 A: The same middle name.
38717 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
38720 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
38721 A: To cover up the valve stem.
38723 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
38724 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
38726 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
38727 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
38729 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
38732 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
38735 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
38736 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
38738 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
38741 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
38742 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
38744 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
38745 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
38747 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
38748 eating fruit, and singing?
38749 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
38751 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
38752 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
38754 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
38757 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
38758 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
38761 Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
38762 A: A Christian Science Monitor.
38764 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
38765 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
38768 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
38769 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
38772 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
38776 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
38778 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
38780 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
38781 A: An offer you can't understand.
38783 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
38784 A: Hot cross bunnies!
38786 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
38787 A: Not enough sand.
38789 Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
38792 Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
38793 A: To keep her neck warm.
38795 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
38796 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
38798 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
38799 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
38800 a delicious dessert.
38802 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
38805 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
38806 A: Exploding sheep.
38808 Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
38811 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
38814 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
38817 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
38818 A: A ball point carrot.
38820 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
38823 Q: What is purple and commutes?
38824 A: A boolean grape.
38826 Q: What is purple and commutes?
38827 A: An Abelian grape.
38829 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
38830 A: Alexander the Grape.
38832 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
38833 A: One leg is both the same.
38835 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
38836 A: Yogurt has culture.
38838 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
38839 A: Her bowling shoes.
38841 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
38842 A: I think I'm drunk.
38844 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
38845 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
38847 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
38848 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
38850 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
38853 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
38854 A: A nervous wreck.
38856 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
38857 plays like a monkey?
38860 Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
38863 Q: What's a light-year?
38864 A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
38866 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
38867 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
38869 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
38870 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
38872 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
38875 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
38876 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
38877 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
38879 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
38880 A: Artificial intelligence.
38882 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
38883 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
38885 Q: What's the capital of Canada?
38888 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
38889 lawyer in the road?
38890 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
38892 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
38893 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
38895 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
38896 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
38898 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
38901 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
38904 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
38905 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
38907 Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
38908 A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
38910 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
38911 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
38913 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
38914 A: The Titanic had a band.
38916 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
38917 A: A canary with the super-user password.
38919 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
38922 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
38923 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
38925 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
38926 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
38928 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
38931 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
38932 A: Because they're worth it!
38934 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
38935 A: Because he was hungry.
38937 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
38938 A: To see what was on the other side.
38940 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
38943 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
38944 A: She opens the car door.
38946 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
38947 A: He was giving it last rites.
38949 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
38950 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
38952 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
38953 A: To get to the other slide.
38955 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
38956 A: To get to the other slide.
38958 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
38959 A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
38961 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
38962 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
38964 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
38965 A: Because that was her name.
38967 Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
38968 A: Because it was on the other side.
38970 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
38971 A: To get to the middle.
38973 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
38974 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
38976 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
38977 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
38979 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
38980 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
38981 Oh, right, *of course*!
38983 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
38984 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
38985 an eye on the two intellectuals.
38987 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
38988 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
38989 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
38991 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
38992 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
38994 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
38995 A: To keep their ankles warm.
38997 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
38998 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
39000 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
39001 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
39003 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
39004 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
39005 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
39006 visiting, they always take three.
39008 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
39009 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
39010 gets all the credit.
39012 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
39013 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
39014 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
39016 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
39017 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
39019 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
39020 A: All the blondes have gone home!
39022 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
39023 A: There's white-out on the screen.
39025 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
39027 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
39029 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
39030 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
39035 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
39038 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
39039 an emergency on my part."
39042 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
39045 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
39048 "All I want is more than my fair share."
39051 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
39052 have to stop and breathe."
39053 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
39056 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
39059 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
39062 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
39066 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
39067 too late to punish."
39070 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
39074 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
39077 "Her other car is a broom."
39080 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
39084 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
39087 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
39090 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
39093 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
39096 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
39097 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
39100 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
39103 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
39106 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
39107 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
39108 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
39111 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
39114 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
39117 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
39120 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
39121 ball in their court."
39122 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
39125 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
39129 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
39130 horse with one of the horns broken off."
39133 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
39136 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
39137 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
39140 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
39143 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
39147 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
39150 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
39153 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
39156 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
39160 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
39164 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
39165 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
39168 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
39171 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
39174 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
39177 "If it's too loud, you're too old."
39180 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
39183 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
39186 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
39189 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
39192 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
39195 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
39197 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
39200 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
39203 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
39206 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
39209 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
39213 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
39214 hands in his own pockets."
39217 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
39220 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
39223 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
39226 "It's been Monday all week today."
39229 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
39232 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
39233 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
39236 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
39239 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
39242 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
39243 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
39246 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
39247 strike. To make less money."
39250 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
39254 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
39257 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
39261 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
39265 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
39268 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
39271 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
39272 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
39273 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
39274 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
39277 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
39280 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
39284 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
39287 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
39290 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
39293 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
39297 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
39300 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
39303 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
39306 "Our parents were never our age."
39309 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
39312 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
39315 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
39316 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
39319 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
39322 "She's about as smart as bait."
39325 "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
39328 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
39331 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
39334 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
39335 I do what I get paid to do."
39338 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
39339 neck to get the dog to play with it."
39342 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
39345 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
39346 the snakes have gone away."
39349 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
39350 gerbil has more dark meat."
39353 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
39356 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
39360 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
39363 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
39366 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
39367 think he was broken!"
39370 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
39371 when I mess things up."
39374 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
39375 "baring your neck."
39378 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
39381 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
39384 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
39385 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
39388 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
39392 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
39398 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
39399 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
39401 Quality Control, n.:
39402 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
39403 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
39405 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
39406 but its the only one we've got.
39408 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
39409 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
39411 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
39414 The sound made by a well bred duck.
39416 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
39418 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
39419 -- William Shakespeare
39421 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
39425 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
39426 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
39429 Ask somebody something.
39432 Man Invented Alcohol,
39433 God Invented Grass.
39436 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
39439 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
39441 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
39443 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
39445 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
39448 Whoever has any authority over you,
39449 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
39451 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
39454 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
39455 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
39462 Qvid me anxivs svm?
39465 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
39468 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
39472 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
39474 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
39477 rain falls where clouds come
39478 sun shines where clouds go
39479 clouds just come and go
39480 -- Florian Gutzwiller
39482 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
39484 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
39486 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
39488 Ralph's Observation:
39489 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
39490 realise that you are in a hurry.
39492 RAM wasn't built in a day.
39495 as in number, predictable.
39496 as in memory access, unpredictable.
39498 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
39500 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
39503 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
39505 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
39506 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
39507 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
39508 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
39509 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
39510 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
39511 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
39512 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
39513 Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
39514 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
39515 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
39517 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
39518 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
39519 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
39520 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
39521 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
39523 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
39524 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
39525 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
39526 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
39527 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
39528 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
39529 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
39530 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
39531 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
39532 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
39533 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
39535 Ray's Rule of Precision:
39536 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
39541 And drugs cause cramp.
39542 Guns aren't lawful;
39545 You might as well live.
39546 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
39549 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
39550 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
39551 described with pictures.
39553 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
39554 And find they do not know your name.
39555 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
39556 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
39557 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
39558 And feel its chill upon your blood.
39559 Hold a candle to the night,
39560 And see the darkness bend the flame.
39561 Tear the mask of peace from God,
39562 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
39563 Pluck a rose in name of love,
39564 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
39565 Lean upon the western wind,
39566 And know you are alone.
39569 Reactor error - core dumped!
39571 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
39572 Congress. But I repeat myself.
39575 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
39577 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
39579 Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
39580 value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
39581 much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
39582 this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
39584 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
39585 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
39588 Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
39589 so long they can't afford the disk space.
39591 Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
39592 in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
39594 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
39595 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
39596 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
39598 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
39599 could they read their mail?
39601 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
39602 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
39603 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
39605 Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
39606 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
39607 trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
39610 Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
39611 doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
39614 Real programmers don't document; if it was
39615 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
39617 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
39618 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
39621 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
39622 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
39623 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
39624 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
39626 Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
39627 in BASIC after reaching puberty.
39629 Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
39630 freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
39633 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
39634 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
39636 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
39638 Real programs don't eat cache.
39640 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
39641 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
39643 Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
39644 This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
39645 computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
39647 Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
39648 greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
39649 moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
39650 systems could be virtual at *_
\ba_
\bl_
\bl* levels. They would like personal
39651 computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
39652 DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
39653 Correctness Verification Aid packages.
39655 Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
39656 job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
39657 using an undocumented external procedure.
39660 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
39663 Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
39664 afraid to break your face.
39666 Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
39667 down the system for days.
39669 Real Users hate Real Programmers.
39671 Real Users know your home telephone number.
39673 Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
39674 program doesn't deliver it.
39676 Real Users never use the Help key.
39678 Real wealth can only increase.
39679 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
39681 Real World, The n.:
39682 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
39683 be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
39684 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
39685 to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
39686 tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
39687 4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
39688 "Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
39689 pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
39690 of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
39693 Reality -- what a concept!
39696 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
39698 Reality does not exist - yet.
39700 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
39702 Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
39705 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
39708 Reality is for people who lack imagination.
39710 Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
39713 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
39715 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
39718 Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
39722 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
39726 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
39729 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
39731 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
39732 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
39734 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
39735 being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
39736 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
39738 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
39740 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
39741 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
39744 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
39745 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
39746 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
39747 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
39748 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
39749 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
39750 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
39751 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
39752 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
39754 Reception area, n.:
39755 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
39756 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
39757 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
39758 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
39761 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
39762 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
39763 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
39764 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
39766 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
39767 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
39768 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
39769 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
39770 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
39771 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
39772 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
39773 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
39774 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
39775 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
39776 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
39778 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
39781 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
39782 Take not a single bit!
39783 It used to point to me,
39784 Now I'm protecting it.
39785 It was the reader's CONS
39786 That made it, paired by dot;
39787 Now, GC, for the nonce,
39788 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
39790 Recursion is the root of computation
39791 since it trades description for time.
39793 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
39794 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
39796 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
39797 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
39801 Regression analysis:
39802 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
39806 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
39809 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
39812 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
39813 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
39815 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
39816 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
39817 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
39819 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
39820 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
39821 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
39823 Reliable source, n.:
39824 The guy you just met.
39826 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
39829 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
39831 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
39834 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
39836 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
39837 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
39838 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
39839 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
39841 Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
39845 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
39847 Remember Darwin; building a better
39848 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
39850 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
39851 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
39853 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
39855 Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
39858 Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
39860 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
39863 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
39864 have an established user base.
39866 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
39870 Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
39871 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!
39872 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
39874 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
39875 that you're the one holding it.
39876 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
39878 Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
39879 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
39880 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
39881 Across The Eighth Dimension"
39883 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
39886 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
39887 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
39888 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
39890 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
39893 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
39894 worse in Cleveland.
39895 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
39897 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
39899 Remember the... the... uhh.....
39902 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
39903 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
39904 Yea, from the table of my memory
39905 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
39906 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
39907 That youth and observation copied there.
39908 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
39910 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
39912 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
39915 Remember: use logout to logout.
39917 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
39920 Remove me from this land of slaves,
39921 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
39922 Where every knave and fool is bought,
39923 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
39926 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
39927 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
39930 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
39932 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
39935 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
39936 -- Indiana University football cheer
39938 Reply hazy, ask again later.
39940 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
39941 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
39943 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
39944 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
39947 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
39949 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
39951 REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
39953 SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
39954 the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
39955 carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
39956 I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
39957 of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
39958 do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
39959 ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
39960 need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
39961 career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
39962 that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
39964 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
39966 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
39967 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
39968 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
39971 What others are not thinking about you.
39973 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
39974 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
39975 so you're still a valiant nerd.
39977 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
39978 and think what nobody else has thought.
39980 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
39981 -- Wernher von Braun
39985 He didn't know where he was going.
39986 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
39987 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
39988 And he did it all on someone else's money.
39990 Resisting temptation is easier when you
39991 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
39994 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
39995 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
39996 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
39997 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
39998 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
40000 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
40001 actually have a shot at it.
40003 Reunite Gondwanaland!
40005 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
40007 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
40009 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
40011 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
40013 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
40017 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
40018 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
40019 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
40020 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
40022 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
40023 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
40024 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
40025 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
40027 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
40028 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
40029 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
40030 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
40033 A form of government abroad.
40036 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
40037 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40039 Revolutionary, adj.:
40043 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
40044 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
40045 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
40046 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
40047 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
40048 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
40049 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
40050 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
40051 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
40052 assume otherwise, maybe.
40054 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
40055 should be happier than others.
40058 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
40059 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
40060 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
40064 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
40067 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
40068 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
40070 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
40071 "Your winnings, sir."
40072 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
40073 -- "Casablanca" (1942)
40075 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
40076 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
40078 Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
40081 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
40082 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
40083 rights, which they use or do not use.
40086 Ring around the collar.
40089 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
40090 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
40091 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
40094 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
40097 University administrator.
40100 Never having to say you're sorry.
40102 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
40103 Unless the results are known in advance,
40104 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
40106 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
40108 -- Edgar Friedenberg
40110 Rome was not built in one day.
40113 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
40115 ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
40116 MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
40117 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
40119 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
40120 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
40121 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
40122 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
40125 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
40126 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
40134 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
40135 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
40137 Round Numbers are always false.
40140 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
40142 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
40144 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
40145 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
40148 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
40149 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
40150 stay in Washington and make it there.
40152 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
40155 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
40158 Rudin's Second Law:
40159 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
40160 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
40166 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
40167 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
40168 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
40170 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
40176 The Boss is always right.
40179 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
40181 Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
40182 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
40183 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
40184 shall be deemed to be a cat.
40186 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
40187 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
40188 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
40189 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
40190 regain their composure.
40192 Rule of Creative Research:
40193 1) Never draw what you can copy.
40194 2) Never copy what you can trace.
40195 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
40197 Rule of Defactualization:
40198 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
40200 Rule of Feline Frustration:
40201 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
40202 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
40205 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
40208 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
40209 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
40211 Rule the Empire through force.
40215 (1) The boss is always right.
40216 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
40218 Rules for Academic Deans:
40220 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
40221 -- Father Damian C. Fandal
40223 Rules for driving in New York:
40224 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
40225 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
40226 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
40229 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
40230 1: Don't use no double negatives.
40231 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
40232 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
40233 4: About them sentence fragments.
40234 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
40235 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
40236 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
40237 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
40238 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
40239 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
40240 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
40241 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
40242 13: Correct speling is essential.
40243 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
40244 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
40245 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
40246 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
40249 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
40250 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
40251 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
40252 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
40253 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
40254 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
40255 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
40256 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
40257 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
40258 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
40259 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
40260 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
40261 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
40262 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
40264 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
40265 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
40266 (2) Never leave the table hungry.
40267 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
40268 (4) Enjoy your food.
40269 (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
40270 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
40271 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
40272 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
40273 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
40274 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
40275 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
40276 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
40277 can always eat it later.
40278 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
40279 (11) Avoid blue food.
40280 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
40282 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
40286 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
40288 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
40289 -- John Cameron Swayze
40291 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
40292 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
40293 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
40294 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
40295 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
40298 Make three correct guesses consecutively
40299 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
40301 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40303 RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
40304 RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
40306 RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
40307 RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
40308 RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
40309 RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
40310 RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
40311 RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
40312 RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
40314 RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
40321 Sacher's Observation:
40322 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
40324 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
40327 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
40329 Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
40330 Beating a dead horse.
40334 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
40335 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
40337 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
40339 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
40340 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
40341 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
40342 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
40343 6. People ignore you at parties.
40344 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
40345 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
40347 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
40349 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
40350 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
40351 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
40352 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
40353 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
40354 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
40355 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
40357 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
40358 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
40359 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
40360 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
40361 laugh at you a great deal.
40363 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
40364 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
40365 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
40366 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
40368 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
40369 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
40370 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
40371 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
40373 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
40374 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
40377 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
40378 -- Heard on Noah's ark
40380 Sailors in ships, sail on!
40381 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
40383 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
40384 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
40386 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
40387 in small amounts over a long period of time.
40390 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
40392 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
40393 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
40394 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
40395 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
40396 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
40397 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
40398 uncharted waters here.
40401 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
40402 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
40403 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
40404 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
40406 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
40407 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
40408 Found him every couple of blocks.
40409 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
40411 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
40412 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
40413 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40415 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
40416 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
40417 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40419 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
40420 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
40421 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
40423 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
40424 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
40425 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
40426 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
40427 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
40428 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
40430 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
40431 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
40432 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
40434 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
40435 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
40436 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
40438 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
40439 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
40440 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
40442 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
40443 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
40444 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
40446 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
40447 All: Norm! (Norman.)
40448 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
40449 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
40450 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
40452 Sam: What's new, Norm?
40453 Norm: Most of my wife.
40454 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
40457 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
40458 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
40460 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
40461 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
40462 to be the guinea pig.
40463 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
40466 Four million people, where you can't get a
40467 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
40469 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
40470 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
40471 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
40472 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
40473 -- George Halas, professional football coach
40475 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
40479 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
40481 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
40483 Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
40486 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
40488 Santa Claus is watching!
40490 Santa Claus wears a red suit
40493 He has long hair and a beard
40494 Must be a pacifist.
40496 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
40498 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
40499 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
40501 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
40502 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
40504 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
40506 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
40507 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
40509 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
40511 Satire is tragedy plus time.
40514 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
40516 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
40520 It works better if you plug it in.
40522 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
40523 Is like being nowhere at all,
40524 All through the day how the hours rush by,
40525 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
40526 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
40528 Satyrs have more faun.
40530 Sauron is alive in Argentina!
40532 Savage's Law of Expediency:
40533 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
40535 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
40536 surprised at how little you have.
40539 Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
40542 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
40544 Save energy: be apathetic.
40546 Save gas, don't eat beans.
40548 Save gas, don't use the shell.
40552 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
40554 Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
40556 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
40558 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
40559 Bust in business, lost your wife;
40560 No one cares a cent about you,
40561 You don't care a cent for life;
40562 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
40563 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
40564 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
40565 And the big blue sky.
40568 Say it with flowers,
40569 Or say it with mink,
40570 But whatever you do,
40571 Don't say it with ink!
40574 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
40575 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
40576 No justice, please, curse ye!
40577 We really want mercy:
40578 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
40579 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
40581 Say my love is easy had,
40582 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
40583 Say I am too often sad --
40584 Still behold me at your side.
40586 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
40587 Say I woo and coddle care,
40588 Say the devil touched my tongue,
40589 Still you have my heart to wear.
40591 But say my verses do not scan,
40592 And I get me another man!
40593 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
40595 Say no, then negotiate.
40598 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
40600 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
40602 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
40606 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
40607 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
40608 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
40610 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
40613 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
40614 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
40615 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
40616 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
40617 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
40618 intently watching him.
40621 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
40623 Schapiro's Explanation:
40624 The grass is always greener on the other side --
40625 but that's because they use more manure.
40627 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
40629 Schlattwhapper, n.:
40630 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
40631 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
40632 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
40634 Schmidt's Observation:
40635 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
40636 than a thin person.
40639 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
40641 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
40643 Science and religion are in full accord but
40644 science and faith are in complete discord.
40646 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
40647 Frank has built and lost his creature.
40648 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
40649 The servants gone to a distant planet.
40651 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
40652 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
40653 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
40654 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
40656 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
40657 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
40659 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
40661 Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
40662 of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
40663 is not necessarily science.
40664 -- Jules Henri Poincar'
\be
40666 Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
40667 out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
40670 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
40672 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
40674 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
40676 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
40677 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
40678 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
40679 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
40680 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
40681 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
40682 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
40683 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
40684 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
40685 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
40686 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
40687 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
40688 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
40689 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
40690 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
40692 Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
40693 -- William F. Buckley
40696 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
40697 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
40698 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
40699 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
40701 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
40702 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
40703 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
40704 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
40705 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
40706 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
40707 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
40708 together. "There is now", came the reply.
40710 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
40711 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
40712 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
40713 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
40714 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
40715 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
40717 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
40719 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
40720 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
40721 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
40722 Scorpio people are murdered.
40724 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
40725 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
40726 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
40727 to throw up. Knock it off.
40729 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
40730 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
40731 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
40732 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
40733 to win. You never learn.
40736 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
40738 Scott's second Law:
40739 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
40740 to have been wrong in the first place.
40743 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
40744 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
40746 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
40747 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
40748 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
40749 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
40750 Spock: Affirmative.
40751 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
40752 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
40754 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
40757 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
40759 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
40761 Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
40763 -- Richard M. Nixon
40765 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
40766 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
40768 Sears has everything.
40770 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
40772 Second Law of Business Meetings:
40773 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
40774 will pick the wrong one.
40777 If there is only one way to spell a name,
40778 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
40780 Second Law of Final Exams:
40781 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
40782 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
40784 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
40786 Secretary's Revenge:
40787 Filing almost everything under "the".
40789 Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
40790 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
40791 multiline message byte.
40792 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
40793 must be sent passive true.
40794 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
40795 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
40796 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
40797 (a) The LADS is active
40798 (b) Nor LACS is active
40800 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
40801 Programmable Instrumentation
40803 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
40805 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
40806 [Who guards the Guardians?]
40808 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
40809 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
40810 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
40812 Sightlessly seeking
40813 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
40814 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
40816 See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
40818 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
40819 the second one should have seen it.
40821 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
40822 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
40823 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
40824 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
40825 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
40826 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
40827 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
40829 Seeing is believing.
40830 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
40832 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
40835 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
40836 Will come when it will come.
40837 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
40839 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
40840 -- Alfred North Whitehead
40842 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
40843 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
40844 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
40845 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
40846 rocks. They all got out of the car:
40847 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
40848 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
40849 into town and have a specialist look at it."
40850 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
40851 in and see if it does it again."
40853 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
40854 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
40856 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
40857 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
40858 you like me to put it on your bill?"
40859 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
40861 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
40862 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
40863 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
40864 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
40865 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
40867 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
40868 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
40869 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
40870 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
40871 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
40872 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
40873 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
40874 like when God was working it alone!"
40876 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
40877 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
40879 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
40880 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
40883 "Got any bear bells?"
40885 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
40886 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
40887 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
40889 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
40890 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
40893 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
40894 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
40896 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
40897 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
40898 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
40899 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
40901 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
40902 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
40903 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
40904 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
40905 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
40906 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
40907 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
40908 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
40909 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
40910 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
40911 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
40912 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
40913 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
40914 some new underwear.
40915 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
40916 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
40917 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
40918 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
40919 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
40920 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
40922 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
40923 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
40925 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
40926 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
40928 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
40929 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
40931 Self Test for Paranoia:
40932 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
40936 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
40940 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
40943 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
40945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40947 Send some filthy mail.
40949 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
40950 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
40953 The state of mind of elderly persons
40954 with whom one happens to disagree.
40956 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
40957 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
40958 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
40959 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
40961 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
40963 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
40967 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
40969 Serenity through viciousness.
40974 Serocki's Stricture:
40975 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
40977 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
40979 Set the cart before the horse.
40982 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
40983 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
40984 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
40985 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
40986 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
40987 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
40988 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
40989 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
40990 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
40992 Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
40993 big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
40994 reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
40995 build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
40996 like crabgrass all over the United States.
40997 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
40999 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41000 Is all my brain and body need.
41001 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
41002 Are very good indeed.
41004 Take your silly ways,
41005 Throw them out the window,
41006 The wisdom of your ways,
41007 I've been there and I know,
41008 Lots of other ways...
41009 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
41011 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
41013 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
41016 Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
41018 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
41019 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
41022 Sex is an emotion in motion.
41025 Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
41027 -- Malcolm DacDougall
41029 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
41030 -- Garrison Keillor
41032 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
41033 it's still darn tasty!
41035 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
41039 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
41042 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
41043 most amount of trouble.
41046 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
41047 repeated until infinity.
41048 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
41049 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
41052 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
41053 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
41056 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
41057 how children do not come into the world.
41060 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
41062 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
41063 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
41066 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
41067 pietists to oppress the human race.
41068 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
41070 Shannon's Observation
41071 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
41072 that is beginning to improve.
41075 To give in, endure humiliation.
41077 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
41078 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
41079 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
41083 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
41086 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
41088 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
41090 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
41091 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
41092 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
41093 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
41095 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
41096 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
41097 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
41098 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
41100 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
41101 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
41102 I thought I'd blow her mind...
41104 She been married so many times
41105 she got rice marks all over her face.
41108 She blinded me with science!
41110 She can kill all your files;
41111 She can freeze with a frown.
41112 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
41113 And she works on her code until ten after three.
41114 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
41115 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
41117 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
41120 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
41122 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
41125 She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
41128 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
41129 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
41130 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
41131 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
41132 involvement in "The Avengers".
41134 She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
41137 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
41138 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
41140 She often gave herself very good advice
41141 (though she very seldom followed it).
41142 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
41144 She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
41145 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
41147 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
41148 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
41149 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
41150 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
41152 She sells cshs by the cshore.
41154 She stood on the tracks
41156 Leading me to that third rail shock
41158 She changed her mind
41160 She gave me a night
41162 What will it take until I stop
41166 There's nothing else I can do
41167 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
41168 I don't want anyone new
41169 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
41170 There's nothing in it for you
41171 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
41172 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
41174 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
41175 But she's just a crumb up here
41176 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
41177 With a cauliflower ear
41178 Someday we will be married
41179 And if vegetables become too dear
41180 I'll just cut me a slice of
41181 Her cauliflower ear!
41182 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
41184 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
41185 good at being short.
41186 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
41188 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
41190 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
41192 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
41195 All trails have more uphill sections
41196 than they have downhill sections.
41198 "Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
41200 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
41201 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
41202 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
41203 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
41204 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
41205 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
41206 bad fiction contest.
41208 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
41209 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
41210 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
41213 She's genuinely bogus.
41215 She's learned to say things with her eyes
41216 that others waste time putting into words.
41218 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
41220 She's such a kinky girl,
41221 The kind you don't take home to mother.
41222 She will never let your spirits down
41223 Once you get her off the street.
41225 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
41228 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
41231 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
41234 Shift to the right,
41236 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
41239 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
41243 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
41245 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
41246 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
41247 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
41248 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
41251 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
41252 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
41253 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
41255 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
41256 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
41257 body join her long dead brain.
41259 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
41260 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
41263 Short people get rained on last.
41265 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
41268 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
41269 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
41272 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
41273 playing golf with his boss.
41275 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
41277 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
41279 Showing up is 80% of life.
41282 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
41285 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
41286 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
41289 Sic transit gloria Monday!
41291 Sic transit gloria mundi.
41292 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
41295 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
41297 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
41299 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
41301 Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
41303 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
41304 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
41306 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
41307 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
41311 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
41314 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
41316 sillema sillema nika su
41317 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
41319 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
41321 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
41322 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
41323 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
41324 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
41325 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
41326 intersection in town. BUT!
41328 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41329 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
41331 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
41332 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
41333 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
41334 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
41336 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
41337 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
41340 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
41343 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
41345 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
41349 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
41350 character of this point is therefore another method for the
41351 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
41354 -- by Claude E. Shannon
41356 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
41362 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
41364 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
41365 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
41366 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
41369 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
41370 when others believe him.
41371 -- Charles DeGaulle
41373 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
41375 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
41376 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
41377 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
41379 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
41380 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
41381 burst out in laughter.
41384 Since I hurt my pendulum
41385 My life is all erratic.
41386 My parrot who was cordial
41387 Is now transmitting static.
41388 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
41389 The cat keeps doing poo.
41390 The only thing that keeps me sane
41391 Is talking to my shoe.
41394 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
41397 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
41401 Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
41402 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
41404 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
41406 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
41408 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
41411 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
41412 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
41413 -- Winston Churchill
41415 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
41416 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
41417 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
41419 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
41420 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
41421 It'll cost you though".
41423 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
41424 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
41426 "An arm and a leg", said God.
41428 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
41431 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
41432 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
41433 gives us modern art.
41436 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
41437 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
41438 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
41439 should have gotten.
41441 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
41442 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
41443 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
41444 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
41445 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
41448 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
41450 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
41451 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
41453 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
41454 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
41455 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
41456 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
41457 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
41458 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
41459 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
41460 for deliverance from chains.
41461 -- Frederick Douglass
41463 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
41466 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
41468 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
41469 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
41470 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
41471 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
41472 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
41473 attracted to dark objects.
41476 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
41481 Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
41484 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
41485 it sits in the dish too long.
41486 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
41488 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
41490 Small is beautiful.
41491 -- Schumacher's Dictum
41493 Small things make base men proud.
41494 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
41496 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
41497 teacher was in my class for five years.
41500 Smear the road with a runner!!
41502 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
41504 Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
41506 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
41509 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
41510 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
41511 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
41512 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
41513 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
41514 filed 30 days in advance.
41516 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
41519 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
41521 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
41522 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
41525 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
41526 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
41528 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
41530 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
41533 What you'd say if you had another chance.
41535 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
41537 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
41538 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
41540 Snow Day -- stay home.
41542 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
41543 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
41544 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
41545 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
41546 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
41547 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
41549 So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
41550 your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
41551 hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
41552 array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
41554 ... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
41555 were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
41556 that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
41557 toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
41558 made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
41559 format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
41560 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
41563 So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
41566 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
41567 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
41568 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
41569 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
41570 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
41571 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
41572 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
41573 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
41574 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
41576 So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
41577 praise of intelligence.
41578 -- Bertrand Russell
41580 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
41581 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
41582 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
41583 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
41585 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
41586 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
41587 friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
41588 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
41589 use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
41590 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
41591 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
41592 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
41593 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
41595 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
41597 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
41598 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
41600 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
41603 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
41604 large as it needs to be?
41606 So little time, so little to do.
41609 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
41610 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
41612 So many beautiful women and so little time.
41615 So many men and so little time.
41617 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
41618 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
41620 So many women, and so little time!
41622 So many women, so little nerve.
41624 So much food, and so little time!
41640 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
41663 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
41664 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
41665 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
41667 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
41668 at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
41669 the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
41670 the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
41671 himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
41672 the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
41676 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
41677 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
41678 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
41680 So... so you think you can tell
41682 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
41683 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
41684 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
41685 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
41686 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
41688 A walk on part in a war
41689 For the lead role in a cage?
41690 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
41692 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
41693 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
41695 So, you better watch out!
41696 You better not cry!
41697 You better not pout!
41698 I'm telling you why,
41699 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
41701 He knows when you've been sleeping,
41702 He know when you're awake.
41703 He knows if you've been bad or good,
41704 He has ties with the CIA.
41707 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
41708 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
41709 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
41710 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
41711 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
41712 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
41713 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
41715 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
41716 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
41719 So you're back... about time...
41721 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
41722 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
41726 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
41729 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
41731 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
41733 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
41734 The government sells it.
41736 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
41738 The government shoots one cow,
41739 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
41741 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
41743 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
41746 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
41750 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
41752 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
41753 like a staff function."
41756 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
41757 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
41758 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
41759 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
41761 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
41762 Are practically zero,
41763 But those who wish to be civilians,
41764 They run into the millions.
41766 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
41769 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
41770 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
41773 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
41774 and some few to be chewed and digested.
41776 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
41778 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
41779 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
41781 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
41782 as when you find a trout in the milk.
41785 Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
41787 Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
41789 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
41791 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
41793 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
41796 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
41800 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
41801 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
41802 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
41804 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
41806 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
41807 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
41810 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
41811 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
41813 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
41816 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
41817 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
41820 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
41821 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
41824 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
41827 Some men who fear that they are playing
41828 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
41830 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
41831 The answer is: I don't know.
41832 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
41834 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
41835 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
41836 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
41837 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
41838 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
41839 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
41840 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
41841 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
41843 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
41844 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
41845 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
41846 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
41847 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
41848 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
41849 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
41850 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
41851 he received, shame and wounds."
41853 Some of the things that live the longest
41854 in peoples' memories never really happened.
41856 Some of them want to use you,
41857 Some of them want to be used by you,
41858 ...Everybody's looking for something.
41859 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
41861 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
41864 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
41865 celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
41866 stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
41867 "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
41868 of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
41869 government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
41870 Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
41871 billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
41872 it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
41873 thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
41874 the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
41876 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
41878 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
41879 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
41881 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
41882 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
41883 two-dimensional ones.
41884 -- F. Frederick Skitty
41886 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
41888 Some people cause happiness wherever
41889 they go; others, whenever they go.
41891 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
41892 but at least you only have to climb it once.
41894 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
41895 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
41897 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
41899 Some people have parts that are so private
41900 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
41902 Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
41905 Some people live life in the fast lane.
41906 You're in oncoming traffic.
41908 Some people manage by the book, even though they
41909 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
41911 Some people need a good imaginary cure
41912 for their painful imaginary ailment.
41914 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
41916 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
41918 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
41919 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
41922 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
41923 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
41925 Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
41926 you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
41930 Some points to remember [about animals]:
41932 (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
41934 (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
41935 front of your clothes;
41936 (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
41937 you have just kicked.
41938 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
41940 Some primal termite knocked on wood.
41941 And tasted it, and found it good.
41942 And that is why your Cousin May
41943 Fell through the parlor floor today.
41946 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
41948 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
41950 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
41952 Some say the world will end in fire,
41954 From what I've tasted of desire
41955 I hold with those who favor fire.
41956 But if it had to perish twice
41957 I think I know enough of hate
41958 To say that for destruction, ice
41961 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
41963 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
41966 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
41968 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
41971 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
41972 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
41974 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
41975 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
41976 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
41977 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
41979 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
41980 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
41981 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
41982 That don't smell very nice --
41983 He's nobody's moggy now.
41985 Oh you who love your pussy,
41986 Be sure to keep him in.
41987 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
41988 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
41989 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
41990 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
41991 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
41992 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
41993 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
41994 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
41995 Just red and squashed and soggy --
41996 He's nobody's moggy now.
41997 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
41999 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
42000 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
42002 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
42003 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
42005 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
42006 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
42007 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
42010 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
42013 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
42015 Someday your prints will come.
42018 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
42019 when I was passing through satisfaction.
42020 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
42022 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
42024 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
42025 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
42026 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
42029 Someone is speaking well of you.
42032 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
42034 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
42036 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
42038 Something better...
42040 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
42041 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
42042 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
42043 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
42044 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
42045 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
42047 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
42049 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
42050 mind putting that thing away.
42051 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
42052 It's what's in it that matters.
42053 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
42055 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
42056 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
42058 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
42059 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
42061 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
42062 -- Benjamin Disraeli
42064 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
42065 -- William Shakespeare
42067 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
42068 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
42071 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
42074 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
42075 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
42078 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
42079 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
42080 -- Richard M. Nixon
42082 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
42085 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
42086 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
42087 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
42088 Either light up or leave me alone.
42090 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
42091 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
42095 Sometimes I live in the country,
42096 And sometimes I live in town.
42097 And sometimes I have a great notion,
42098 To jump in the river and drown.
42100 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
42101 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
42103 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
42104 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
42105 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
42107 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
42110 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
42113 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
42115 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
42116 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
42117 me because I am beautiful.
42118 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
42120 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
42122 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
42123 Other times I can hardly see.
42124 Lately it occurs to me
42125 What a long strange trip it's been.
42126 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
42128 Sometimes, too long is too long.
42131 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
42132 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
42133 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
42134 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
42137 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
42138 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
42141 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
42145 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
42147 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
42149 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
42150 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
42153 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
42156 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
42157 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
42158 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
42159 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
42160 -- Sky Masterson's Father
42162 Song Title of the Week:
42163 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
42166 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
42167 paid may disregard this fortune).
42169 Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
42173 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
42175 Sorry, no fortune this time.
42177 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
42178 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
42179 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
42180 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
42182 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
42185 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
42188 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
42189 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
42190 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
42191 -- Captain James T. Kirk
42194 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
42196 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42198 Spare no expense to save money on this one.
42201 Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
42202 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
42203 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
42206 Speak roughly to your little boy,
42207 And beat him when he sneezes:
42208 He only does it to annoy
42209 Because he knows it teases.
42213 I speak severely to my boy,
42214 And beat him when he sneezes:
42215 For he can thoroughly enjoy
42216 The pepper when he pleases!
42219 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
42221 Speak roughly to your little VAX,
42222 And boot it when it crashes;
42223 It knows that one cannot relax
42224 Because the paging thrashes!
42228 I speak severely to my VAX,
42229 And boot it when it crashes;
42230 In spite of all my favorite hacks
42231 My jobs it always thrashes!
42235 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
42237 Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
42240 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
42241 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
42242 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
42243 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
42244 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
42245 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
42246 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
42247 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
42248 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
42249 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
42250 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
42251 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
42252 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
42253 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
42254 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
42255 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
42256 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
42257 syllable is thine!"
42258 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
42260 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
42261 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
42262 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
42263 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
42264 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
42265 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
42266 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
42267 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
42268 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
42270 Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
42272 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
42273 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
42274 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
42275 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
42276 Helpless users with projects due
42277 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
42279 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
42280 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
42282 * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
42283 * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
42286 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
42287 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
42288 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
42289 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
42290 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
42291 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
42292 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
42293 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
42295 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
42296 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
42298 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
42299 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
42300 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
42301 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
42302 Faculty members especially welcome.
42304 Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
42306 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
42307 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
42308 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
42309 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
42311 Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
42312 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
42313 number of times you have looked at it.
42315 Spelling is a lossed art.
42317 Spence's Admonition:
42318 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
42320 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
42326 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
42328 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42330 Spock: The odds of surviving another
42331 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
42333 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
42336 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
42337 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
42339 Spring is here, spring is here,
42340 Life is skittles and life is beer.
42343 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
42344 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
42346 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
42348 St. Patrick was a gentleman
42349 who through strategy and stealth
42350 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
42351 Here's a toasting to his health --
42352 but not too many toastings
42353 lest you lose yourself and then
42354 forget the good St. Patrick
42355 and see all those snakes again.
42357 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
42359 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
42361 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
42362 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
42363 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
42364 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
42365 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
42366 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
42367 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
42368 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
42369 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
42370 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
42371 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
42372 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
42373 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
42374 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
42375 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
42376 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
42377 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
42378 All it said was: "Write two letters."
42380 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
42382 Stamp out philately.
42385 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
42387 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
42388 no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
42389 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
42392 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
42394 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
42395 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
42397 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
42398 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
42399 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
42400 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
42403 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
42406 Start the day with a smile.
42407 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
42409 State license plates we'd like to see:
42411 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
42413 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
42417 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
42419 State license plates we'd like to see:
42423 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
42425 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
42427 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
42431 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
42433 State license plates we'd like to see:
42435 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
42436 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
42437 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
42439 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
42441 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
42443 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
42444 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
42445 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
42449 A system for expressing your political
42450 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
42452 Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
42455 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
42457 Stay away from flying saucers today.
42459 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
42463 Stay together, drag each other down.
42465 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
42466 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
42467 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
42469 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
42470 Though we really did try to make it,
42471 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
42473 It used to be so easy living here with you,
42474 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
42475 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
42477 There'll be good times again for me and you,
42478 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
42479 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
42481 But it's too late baby...
42482 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
42483 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
42485 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
42486 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
42487 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
42488 its rate is a matter of discretion.
42489 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
42491 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
42493 Steckel's Rule to Success:
42494 Good enough is never good enough.
42496 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
42497 Everybody should believe in something --
42498 I believe I'll have another drink.
42500 Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
42501 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
42504 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
42505 Embezzlement is another matter.
42508 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
42510 Step back, unbelievers!
42511 Or the rain will never come.
42512 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
42513 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
42514 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
42515 you folks are gonna see some rain!
42517 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
42518 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
42519 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
42520 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
42521 very little call for those up there.
42522 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
42524 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
42525 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
42527 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
42528 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
42530 Stock's Observation:
42531 You no sooner get your head above water
42532 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
42535 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
42537 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
42538 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
42539 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
42540 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
42541 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
42542 on the credulity of human nature.
42544 Stop me, before I kill again!
42546 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
42547 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
42549 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
42551 Strange things are done to be number one
42552 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
42553 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
42554 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
42555 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
42556 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
42557 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
42558 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
42559 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
42560 Would ship for Celtic gold.
42561 The movers came to crate the frame;
42562 It weighed a million ton!
42563 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
42564 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
42565 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
42566 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
42567 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
42568 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
42569 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
42570 Because they couldn't deliver.
42571 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
42574 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
42577 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
42578 after those creating it have left the organization.
42580 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
42582 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
42583 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
42584 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
42585 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
42586 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
42587 and have a nice day.
42589 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
42590 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
42591 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
42592 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
42595 Our problems are mostly behind us.
42596 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
42599 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
42601 Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
42603 Stupidity is its own reward.
42606 90% of everything is crud.
42608 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
42610 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
42611 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
42613 Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
42614 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
42617 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
42618 way before it is understood.
42620 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
42621 the streets after them.
42624 Success is a journey, not a destination.
42626 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
42628 Success is in the minds of Fools.
42629 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
42631 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
42633 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
42635 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
42637 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
42638 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
42640 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
42642 Such a fine first dream!
42643 But they laughed at me; they said
42646 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
42647 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
42649 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
42650 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
42651 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
42653 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
42654 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
42656 Sudden Death Dating:
42659 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
42660 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
42662 Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
42663 without his duck ...
42665 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
42666 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
42667 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
42668 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
42669 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
42671 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
42673 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
42675 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
42680 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
42681 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
42682 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
42685 The Network IS the Load Average.
42687 (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
42689 To code the impossible code,
42690 To bring up a virgin machine,
42691 To pop out of endless recursion,
42692 To grok what appears on the screen,
42694 To right the unrightable bug,
42695 To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
42696 To mount the unmountable magtape,
42697 To stop the unstoppable crash!
42700 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
42701 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
42702 progressively reducing solar elevation.
42704 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
42705 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
42708 Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
42709 none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
42710 sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
42711 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
42713 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
42714 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
42716 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
42718 -- Overheard at a supervision
42720 Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
42722 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
42724 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
42726 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
42727 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
42729 Support the Girl Scouts!
42730 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
42732 Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
42734 Support your local church or synagogue.
42735 Worship at Bank of America.
42737 Support your local police force -- steal!!
42739 Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
42741 Support your right to arm bears!!
42743 Support your right to bare arms!
42744 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
42746 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
42747 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
42748 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
42749 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
42750 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
42751 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
42752 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
42754 -- Christopher Evans
42756 Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
42758 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
42759 But what if he forgets?
42761 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
42762 men in national government too.
42763 -- Richard M. Nixon
42765 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
42767 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
42768 Just type in your name and social security number.
42769 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
42775 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
42777 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
42780 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
42781 strapped on with electrical tape.
42784 The way of the tuna.
42786 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
42787 -- William Shakespeare
42790 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
42794 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
42797 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
42800 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
42802 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
42805 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
42806 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
42808 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
42809 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
42810 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
42812 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
42814 Swipple's Rule of Order:
42815 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
42817 Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
42818 place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
42821 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
42822 unusually pale and clear.
42823 Problem: Glass empty.
42824 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
42826 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
42827 and the front of your shirt is wet.
42828 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
42829 wrong part of face.
42830 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
42831 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
42833 -- Bar Troubleshooting
42835 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
42836 Fault: The Bar is closing.
42837 Action Required: Panic.
42839 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
42840 You cannot see the bathroom light.
42841 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
42842 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
42843 treat yourself to a lie-in.
42845 -- Bar Troubleshooting
42847 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
42848 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
42849 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
42852 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
42853 Fault: Improper bladder control.
42854 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
42855 to the owner about its lack of house training and
42856 demand a beer as compensation.
42858 -- Bar Troubleshooting
42860 Symptom: Floor blurred.
42861 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
42862 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
42864 Symptom: Floor moving.
42865 Fault: You are being carried out.
42866 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
42867 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
42869 -- Bar Troubleshooting
42871 Symptom: Floor swaying.
42872 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
42874 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
42876 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
42877 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
42878 Fault: You have fallen forward.
42879 Action Required: See above.
42881 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
42882 fluorescent light strips.
42883 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
42884 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
42885 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
42886 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
42888 -- Bar Troubleshooting
42890 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
42891 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42893 System checkpoint complete.
42895 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
42897 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
42899 System going down in 5 minutes.
42901 System restarting, wait...
42903 System/3! System/3!
42904 See how it runs! See how it runs!
42905 Its monitor loses so totally!
42906 It runs all its programs in RPG!
42907 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
42910 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
42911 Works equally poorly on all systems.
42913 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
42914 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
42915 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
42917 Systems programmer:
42918 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
42919 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
42920 are to receive from your boss.
42922 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
42925 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
42926 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
42927 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
42928 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
42929 -- The Roguelet's ABC
42932 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
42934 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
42937 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
42940 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
42941 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
42943 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
42946 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
42948 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
42949 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
42951 Take an astronaut to launch.
42953 Take care of the luxuries and the
42954 necessities will take care of themselves.
42957 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
42958 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
42960 Take everything in stride.
42961 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
42963 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
42964 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
42966 Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
42968 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
42970 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
42975 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
42976 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
42979 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
42980 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
42981 have given them to you.
42983 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
42986 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
42987 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
42988 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
42989 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
42991 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
42993 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
42994 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
42995 -- Booth Tarkington
42997 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
42998 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
43001 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
43003 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
43006 Talkers are no good doers.
43007 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
43009 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
43012 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
43013 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43015 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
43016 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
43017 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
43019 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
43020 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
43021 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
43022 It's hanging there on the shed.
43024 All together now...
43025 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43026 Tie me kangaroo down.
43027 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
43028 Tie me kangaroo down.
43030 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
43031 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
43032 -- Benjamin Franklin
43034 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
43035 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
43036 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
43037 headed. You are a Communist.
43039 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
43040 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
43041 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
43042 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
43044 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
43045 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
43046 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
43047 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
43052 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
43053 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
43056 Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
43059 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
43062 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
43065 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
43067 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
43068 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
43069 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
43071 Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
43074 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
43075 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
43077 Teachers have class.
43080 Having someone to blame.
43082 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
43085 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
43086 having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
43087 Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
43088 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
43089 other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
43090 acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
43091 holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
43092 affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
43093 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43095 "Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
43096 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
43097 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
43098 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
43099 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
43100 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
43101 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
43102 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
43103 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
43104 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
43105 a moment and then log off."
43107 Technological progress has merely provided us
43108 with more efficient means for going backwards.
43111 Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
43112 Teeth for humans are in the soul.
43113 A strong body defeats one,
43114 A strong soul conquers many.
43115 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
43117 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
43118 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
43120 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
43121 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
43122 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
43123 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
43127 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
43128 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
43129 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
43132 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
43133 try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
43134 put the burden on the directory assistant.
43135 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
43137 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
43140 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
43143 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
43144 -- Alfred Hitchcock
43146 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
43150 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
43151 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
43153 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
43154 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
43157 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
43158 rather than each other.
43160 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
43161 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
43162 to touch to be sure.
43164 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
43165 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
43166 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
43167 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
43170 Tell me what to think!!!
43172 Tell me why the stars do shine,
43173 Tell me why the ivy twines,
43174 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
43175 And I will tell you just why I love you.
43177 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
43178 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
43179 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
43180 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
43182 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
43183 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
43186 Tempt me with a spoon!
43188 Tempt not a desperate man.
43189 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
43191 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
43192 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
43193 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
43194 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
43195 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
43196 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
43197 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
43198 and handed the others to Dutsky.
43199 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
43201 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
43204 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
43205 way of telling you to stop writing.
43208 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
43209 You eat your victuals fast enough;
43210 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
43211 To see the rate you drink your beer.
43212 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
43213 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
43214 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
43215 It sleeps well the horned head:
43216 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
43217 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
43218 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
43219 Your friends to death before their time.
43220 Moping, melancholy mad:
43221 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
43224 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
43225 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
43228 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
43229 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
43230 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
43231 to risk offending God's grandmother.
43232 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
43234 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
43235 pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
43236 about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
43237 ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
43238 because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
43239 fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
43240 credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
43241 certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
43242 he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
43243 contemptuously rejected it.
43244 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
43245 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
43249 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
43250 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
43251 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
43252 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
43253 the solution will turn blue-green.
43255 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
43256 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
43258 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
43263 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
43264 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
43265 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
43268 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
43269 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
43270 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
43271 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
43272 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
43273 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
43274 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
43275 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
43276 called you from here."
43278 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
43281 Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
43283 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
43284 one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
43285 -- J. Finnegan, USC
43287 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
43290 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
43291 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
43293 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
43295 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
43296 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
43298 That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
43301 That does not compute.
43303 ...that FC loop thing sucks.
43304 So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
43305 wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
43306 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
43308 That feeling just came over me.
43309 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
43311 That government is best which governs least.
43312 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
43314 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
43315 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
43316 in the same way as us.
43317 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
43325 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
43328 That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
43330 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
43331 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
43332 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
43335 That, that is not, is not.
43336 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
43337 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
43339 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
43340 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
43341 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
43342 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
43343 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
43344 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
43345 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
43347 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
43349 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
43352 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
43353 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
43354 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
43357 That's always the way when you discover
43358 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
43364 How much does it cost?
43366 I only have a dollar.
43369 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
43370 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
43371 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
43372 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
43373 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
43375 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
43376 omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
43377 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
43382 That's odd. That's very odd.
43383 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
43385 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
43388 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
43389 -- Woody Allen, on sex
43391 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
43392 really hate is lousy programmers.
43393 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
43395 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
43396 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
43399 That's what she said.
43401 That's where the money was.
43402 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
43404 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
43407 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
43410 The 357.73 Theory --
43411 Auditors always reject expense accounts
43412 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
43414 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
43416 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
43417 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
43418 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
43420 The Abrams' Principle:
43421 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
43423 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
43426 The absent ones are always at fault.
43428 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
43431 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
43432 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
43434 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
43437 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
43438 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
43439 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
43440 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
43441 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
43442 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
43444 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
43445 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
43446 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
43448 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
43449 -- Thomas Jefferson
43451 The Advertising Agency Song:
43453 When your client's hopping mad,
43454 Put his picture in the ad.
43455 If he still should prove refractory,
43456 Add a picture of his factory.
43458 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
43459 he is already degraded.
43462 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
43463 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
43466 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
43467 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
43469 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
43470 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
43473 The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
43475 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
43477 The all-softening overpowering knell,
43478 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
43481 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
43482 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
43483 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
43485 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
43486 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
43490 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
43491 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
43492 -- Finley Peter Dunne
43494 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
43495 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
43496 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
43499 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
43500 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
43502 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
43505 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
43506 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
43507 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
43509 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
43510 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
43511 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
43512 even better, nobody has to play it.
43513 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
43515 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
43516 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
43518 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
43520 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
43523 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
43524 with which you can threaten your enemies.
43527 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
43528 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
43529 -- Salvador De Madariaga
43531 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
43532 -- Albertano of Brescia
43534 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
43535 doctors nor lawyers.
43538 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
43539 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
43540 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
43541 publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
43542 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
43543 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
43544 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
43545 field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
43546 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
43547 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
43548 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
43549 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
43550 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
43551 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
43552 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
43553 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
43554 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
43555 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
43556 And dare not stray to ideas new,
43557 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
43558 And for a living what woulds't we do?
43560 The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
43561 for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
43562 bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
43563 constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
43564 all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
43565 neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
43566 Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
43567 would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
43568 desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
43569 fire-fighting aircraft.
43571 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
43573 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
43575 Four day work week,
43576 Two ply toilet paper!
43578 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
43579 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
43580 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
43582 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
43583 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
43584 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
43585 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
43586 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
43587 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
43588 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
43591 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
43592 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
43593 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
43594 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
43595 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
43597 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
43598 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
43599 and color, but also on ability.
43602 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
43605 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
43606 in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
43607 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
43610 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
43611 Jupiter can have no satellites:
43613 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
43614 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
43615 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
43616 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
43617 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
43618 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
43619 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
43620 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
43621 and therefore do not exist.
43623 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
43625 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
43626 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
43627 -- Ladies' Home Journal
43629 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
43630 the morning feeling just terrible.
43633 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
43635 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
43636 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
43638 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
43640 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
43641 one graveyard to another.
43642 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
43644 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
43645 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
43646 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
43650 The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
43651 average man can see better than he can think.
43653 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
43654 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
43655 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
43657 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
43658 carries any reward.
43659 -- John Maynard Keynes
43661 The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
43662 people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
43664 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
43666 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
43667 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
43668 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
43669 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
43670 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
43672 The bank sent our statement this morning,
43673 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
43674 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
43675 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
43677 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
43678 cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
43679 difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
43680 which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
43681 here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
43682 RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
43683 want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
43684 lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
43685 squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
43686 and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
43687 his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
43688 neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
43690 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
43692 The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
43693 called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
43694 writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
43695 be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
43696 immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
43697 bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
43698 Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
43699 paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
43700 would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
43701 The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
43702 emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
43703 Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
43704 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
43706 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
43707 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
43708 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
43709 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
43710 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
43711 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
43714 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
43716 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
43717 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
43719 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
43720 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
43723 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
43726 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
43727 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
43729 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
43730 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
43731 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
43732 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
43733 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
43734 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
43735 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
43737 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
43740 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
43742 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
43746 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
43749 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
43750 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
43751 by judging things by their price.
43753 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
43754 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
43755 them while they do it.
43756 -- Theodore Roosevelt
43758 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
43760 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
43763 The best man for the job is often a woman.
43765 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
43767 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
43769 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
43770 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
43773 The best prophet of the future is the past.
43775 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
43776 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
43778 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
43779 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
43780 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
43781 being read by a corpse.
43783 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
43784 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
43785 drifting side by side to our common doom.
43788 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
43789 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
43791 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
43793 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
43795 The best things in life are for a fee.
43797 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
43799 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
43801 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
43803 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
43805 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
43807 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
43811 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
43812 smoke is a right worth dying for.
43814 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
43815 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
43816 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
43817 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
43818 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
43819 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
43820 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
43822 The best you get is an even break.
43825 The better part of valor is discretion.
43826 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
43828 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
43829 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
43830 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
43832 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
43833 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
43834 It's just that they need more supervision.
43836 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
43837 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
43840 The Bible on letters of reference:
43842 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
43843 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
43844 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
43845 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
43846 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
43848 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
43851 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
43852 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
43853 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
43854 hungry all the time?
43856 The bigger the theory the better.
43858 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
43861 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
43862 working for someone else.
43864 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
43867 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
43868 and the bird is on the wing.
43871 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
43872 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
43873 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
43874 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
43875 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
43876 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
43877 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
43878 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
43880 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
43882 The bogosity meter just pegged.
43884 The bold youth of today is very lonely.
43885 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
43887 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
43888 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
43890 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
43891 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
43892 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
43893 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
43894 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
43895 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
43896 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
43897 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
43899 The boy stood on the burning deck,
43900 Eating peanuts by the peck.
43901 His father called him, but he could not go,
43902 For he loved those peanuts so.
43904 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
43905 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
43907 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
43908 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
43909 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
43910 one, and convert to the next higher units.
43912 The British are coming! The British are coming!
43914 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
43915 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
43916 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
43918 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
43919 and humiliating reality.
43922 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
43923 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
43924 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
43925 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
43926 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
43928 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
43929 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
43930 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
43933 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
43934 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
43937 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
43938 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
43939 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
43940 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
43943 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
43944 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
43945 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
43946 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
43948 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
43949 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
43950 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
43951 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
43952 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
43954 The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
43957 The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
43958 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
43960 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
43961 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
43964 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
43965 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
43966 time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
43967 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
43969 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
43971 The camel has a single hump;
43973 Or else the other way around.
43974 I'm never sure. Are you?
43977 The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
43978 greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
43979 inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
43980 party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
43983 The carbonyl is polarized,
43984 The delta end is plus.
43985 The nucleophile will thus attack,
43986 The carbon nucleus.
43987 Addition makes an alcohol,
43988 Of types there are but three.
43989 It makes a bond, to correspond,
43990 From C to shining C.
43991 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
43993 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
43994 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
43996 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
43998 The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
44001 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
44005 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
44006 at the steam fitters' picnic.
44008 The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
44011 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
44014 The church is near but the road is icy,
44015 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
44018 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
44021 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
44022 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
44023 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
44025 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
44027 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
44030 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
44031 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
44032 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
44033 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
44034 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
44035 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
44036 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
44038 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
44040 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
44041 is when he fills out a job application form.
44042 -- Stanley J. Randall
44044 The clothes have no emperor.
44045 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
44047 The coast was clear.
44050 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
44051 intellectual nakedness.
44052 -- Robert M. Hutchins
44054 The Commandments of the EE:
44056 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
44057 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44058 embarrassing manner.
44059 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
44060 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
44061 earthly vale of tears.
44062 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
44063 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
44064 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
44066 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
44067 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
44070 The Commandments of the EE:
44072 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
44073 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
44074 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
44075 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
44076 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
44077 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
44078 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
44079 the fury of the engineers on his head.
44080 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
44081 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
44082 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
44083 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
44084 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
44085 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
44086 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
44088 The Commandments of the EE:
44090 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
44091 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
44092 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
44093 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
44094 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
44095 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
44096 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
44097 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
44098 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
44099 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
44100 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
44101 innocent-seeming device.
44103 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
44105 The computer gets faster! --Moore--
44107 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
44108 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
44109 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
44113 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
44114 central power station is to the electrical industry.
44117 The Computer made me do it.
44119 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
44122 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
44123 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
44125 The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
44127 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
44129 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
44130 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
44131 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
44133 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
44135 The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
44136 subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
44137 every bird watcher in the country.
44138 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
44140 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
44141 than what we've got!
44143 The Consultant's Curse:
44144 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
44145 what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
44146 medicine, and is normally only required once.
44148 The control of the production of wealth
44149 is the control of human life itself.
44152 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
44153 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
44154 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
44155 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
44157 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
44159 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
44161 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
44164 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
44166 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
44168 The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
44169 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
44170 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
44171 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
44173 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
44175 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
44178 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
44179 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
44180 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
44181 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
44182 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
44185 The covers of this book are too far apart.
44186 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
44188 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
44191 The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
44193 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
44195 The Crown is full of it!
44196 -- Nate Harris, 1775
44198 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
44199 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
44200 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
44201 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
44202 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
44203 of all our rights and privileges.
44204 -- William Ellery Channing
44206 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
44207 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
44210 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
44213 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
44214 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
44216 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
44217 Every class is unfit to govern.
44220 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
44221 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
44222 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
44223 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
44224 agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
44225 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
44226 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
44227 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
44228 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
44230 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
44231 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
44232 -- Henry David Thoreau
44234 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
44236 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
44237 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
44238 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
44239 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
44240 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
44241 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
44242 -- Thomas Jefferson
44244 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
44246 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
44249 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
44250 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
44251 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
44253 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
44255 The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
44256 accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
44257 Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
44258 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
44260 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
44262 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
44263 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
44265 The degree of civilization in a society
44266 can be judged by entering its prisons.
44269 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
44270 proportional to the level of management.
44272 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
44273 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
44274 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
44276 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
44277 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
44278 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
44279 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
44280 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
44281 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
44283 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
44284 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
44285 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
44287 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
44288 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
44289 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
44290 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
44291 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
44292 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
44293 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
44294 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
44296 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
44299 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
44300 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
44302 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
44304 The devil finds work for idle glands.
44307 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
44309 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
44311 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
44313 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
44314 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
44317 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
44318 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
44319 it would be a calamity.
44320 -- Benjamin Disraeli
44322 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
44323 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
44325 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
44326 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
44327 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
44329 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
44330 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
44331 is thinking that they're conspiring.
44334 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
44335 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
44337 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
44339 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
44340 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
44342 The difference between reality and unreality
44343 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
44346 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
44347 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
44348 -- Robert A. Heinlein
44350 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
44351 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
44352 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
44353 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
44354 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
44356 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
44357 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
44358 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
44360 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
44362 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
44363 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
44366 The difference between this place and yogurt
44367 is that yogurt has a live culture.
44369 The difference between us is not very far,
44370 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
44372 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
44375 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
44377 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
44378 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
44379 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
44382 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
44384 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
44386 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
44387 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
44390 The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
44391 following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
44393 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
44394 Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
44395 Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
44396 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
44397 Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
44398 Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
44399 Macaroons are _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
44400 goyish. Lime soda is _
\bv_
\be_
\br_
\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
44401 Jews won't go near them."
44402 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
44404 The distinction between true and false appears to become
44405 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
44408 The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
44409 a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
44411 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
44412 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
44413 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
44416 The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
44417 really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
44418 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
44420 The door is the key.
44422 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
44423 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
44424 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
44425 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
44427 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
44428 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
44430 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
44432 -- Honore de Balzac
44434 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
44436 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
44438 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
44439 and owns the worm farm.
44442 The early worm gets the late bird.
44444 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
44446 The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
44449 The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
44450 teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
44452 I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
44453 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
44454 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
44455 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
44456 valuable possession to him.
44458 I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
44459 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
44460 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
44461 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
44462 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
44463 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
44464 would tire of the spectacle eventually.
44467 The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
44468 weather forecasters.
44469 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
44471 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
44472 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
44475 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
44477 "The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
44478 Compute' -- I forget which."
44479 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
44481 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
44482 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
44483 Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
44484 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
44485 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
44486 first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
44487 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
44488 over the post of robotics correspondent.
44489 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
44490 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
44491 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
44492 Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
44493 wall when the revolution came".
44495 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
44496 -- Buckminster Fuller
44498 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
44500 The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
44502 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
44504 The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
44505 symposium to follow.
44507 The ends justify the means.
44508 -- after Matthew Prior
44510 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
44511 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
44512 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
44513 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
44516 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
44517 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
44518 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
44520 The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
44521 their children to speak it.
44522 -- George Bernard Shaw
44524 The English instinctively admire any man
44525 who has no talent and is modest about it.
44526 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
44528 The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
44529 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
44530 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
44531 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
44532 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
44533 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
44534 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
44535 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
44537 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
44538 "What kind of family do you come from?"
44539 "A rich, Jewish family."
44541 "A German aristocrat."
44542 "Have you ever been to the West?"
44543 "I spent most of my life in England."
44544 "How did you make a living there?"
44545 "A friend supported me."
44546 "Where did you get the money from?"
44547 "He owned a textile factory."
44549 "Never heard of him."
44550 "What is your name?"
44553 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
44554 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
44555 a substitute for intelligence.
44558 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
44559 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
44561 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
44564 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
44565 is the most likely to be correct.
44566 -- William of Occam
44568 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
44569 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
44570 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
44571 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
44572 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
44573 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
44574 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
44575 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
44576 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
44579 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
44581 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
44582 All the livelong day;
44583 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
44584 You cannot get away;
44585 Do not think you can escape them
44586 From night 'til early in the morn;
44587 The eyes of Texas are upon you
44588 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
44589 -- University of Texas' school song
44591 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
44592 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
44593 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
44594 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
44596 The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
44597 remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
44600 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
44601 in general as no other can.
44604 The fact that it works is immaterial.
44607 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
44608 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
44612 The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
44613 -- Aryeh M. Friedman
44615 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
44617 The farther you go, the less you know.
44618 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
44620 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
44621 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
44623 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
44624 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
44625 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
44626 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
44627 so long as they are Tories.
44628 -- Christopher Booker
44630 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
44632 "Through the Looking-Glass,
44633 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
44635 The faster we go, the rounder we get.
44636 -- The Grateful Dead
44638 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
44639 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
44641 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
44642 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
44643 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
44644 of their own homes.
44645 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
44650 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
44651 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
44652 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
44654 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
44655 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
44656 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
44657 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
44659 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
44660 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
44662 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
44663 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
44664 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
44665 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
44666 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
44667 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
44668 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
44669 for them to despise science fiction.
44670 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
44672 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
44673 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
44674 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
44675 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
44676 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
44677 center at Notre Dame."
44678 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
44681 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
44682 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
44683 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
44684 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
44685 and become lesbians."
44687 The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
44688 (1) write down the problem.
44689 (2) think very hard.
44690 (3) write down the answer.
44691 -- Murray Gell-Mann
44694 You have taken yourself too seriously.
44696 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
44697 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
44699 The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
44701 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
44703 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
44704 the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
44706 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
44708 -- John Quincy Adams
44710 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
44711 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
44712 to man are contained in it.
44715 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
44716 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
44717 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
44720 The First Commandment for Technicians:
44721 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
44722 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
44723 untechnician-like manner.
44725 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
44728 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
44729 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
44730 tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
44731 forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
44732 fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
44733 threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
44734 suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
44735 foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
44736 one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
44737 dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
44738 drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
44739 and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
44740 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
44741 of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
44742 in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
44743 crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
44744 Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
44745 a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
44746 throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
44747 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
44749 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
44750 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
44752 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
44753 and the second half by our children.
44756 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
44757 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
44759 The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
44760 management is that success equals skill.
44763 The first requisite for immortality is death.
44766 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
44767 child, was propounded to me by my father:
44768 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
44770 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
44772 "A herring," said my father.
44773 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
44774 "So hang it there."
44775 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
44777 "But a herring isn't wet."
44778 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
44779 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
44781 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
44783 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
44785 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
44788 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
44791 The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
44792 hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
44793 -- McCloctnik the Lucid
44795 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
44798 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
44802 The first thing I do in the morning
44803 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
44806 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
44807 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
44809 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
44810 The second, a trick.
44811 Later, it's a well-established technique!
44812 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
44814 The first version always gets thrown away.
44816 The five rules of Socialism:
44819 2. If you do think, don't speak.
44820 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
44821 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
44822 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
44824 -- being told in Poland, 1987
44826 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
44828 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
44829 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
44831 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
44834 The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
44835 Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
44837 As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
44838 logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
44839 appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
44840 four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
44842 Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
44843 blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
44844 parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
44847 The following statement is not true.
44848 The previous statement is true.
44850 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
44852 1. You can't push on a string.
44853 2. Ain't no free lunches.
44854 3. Them as has, gets.
44855 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
44857 The Force is what holds everything together.
44858 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
44859 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
44861 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
44862 completely surrounded by people who want some.
44863 -- Dwight MacDonald
44865 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
44866 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
44867 rests on mutual help.
44870 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
44871 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
44873 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
44874 received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
44876 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
44877 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
44879 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
44880 if the character does not have fire resistance.
44881 -- README file from the NetHack game
44883 The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
44887 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
44888 -- W. Somerset Maugham
44890 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
44891 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
44893 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
44894 of both parties tactfully interferes.
44895 -- G. K. Chesterton
44897 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
44898 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
44899 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
44901 The future is a myth created by insurance
44902 salesmen and high school counselors.
44904 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
44907 The future is going to be boring.
44910 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
44912 The future lies ahead.
44914 The future not being born, my friend,
44915 we will abstain from baptizing it.
44918 The garden is in mourning;
44919 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
44920 Summer shivers quietly
44921 On its way towards its end.
44923 Golden leaf after leaf
44924 Falls from the tall acacia.
44925 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
44926 In this dying dream of a garden.
44928 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
44929 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
44931 Close her weary eyes.
44932 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
44934 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
44936 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
44937 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
44938 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
44941 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
44943 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
44945 The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
44948 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
44949 remember her first husband.
44951 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
44953 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
44956 The glances over cocktails
44957 That seemed to be so sweet
44958 Don't seem quite so amorous
44959 Over Shredded Wheat
44961 The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
44962 least until we've finished building it.
44964 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
44965 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
44967 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
44968 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
44970 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
44974 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
44975 He who has the gold makes the rules.
44977 The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
44978 make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
44979 have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
44980 man in the bonds of Hell.
44983 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
44987 The good (I am convinced, for one)
44988 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
44989 Once your reputation's done
44990 You can live a life of fun.
44993 The good life was so elusive
44994 It really got me down
44995 I had to regain some confidence
44996 So I got into camouflage
44998 The good time is approaching,
44999 The season is at hand.
45000 When the merry click of the two-base lick
45001 Will be heard throughout the land.
45002 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
45003 Budless are the trees.
45004 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
45005 Is borne upon the breeze.
45006 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
45009 If a string has one end, it has another.
45011 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
45012 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
45013 and they can't fire it.
45015 The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
45016 statistics. These are raised to the _
\bnth degree, the cube roots are
45017 extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
45018 displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
45019 case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
45020 down anything he damn well pleases.
45021 -- Sir Josiah Stamp
45023 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
45024 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
45025 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
45027 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
45029 -- George Washington
45031 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
45032 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
45033 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
45034 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
45035 "Send Lord Combermere."
45036 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
45037 Combermere a fool."
45038 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
45039 -- G. W. E. Russell
45041 The goys have proven the following theorem...
45042 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
45045 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
45046 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
45047 -- Benjamin Franklin
45049 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
45051 The grave's a fine and private place,
45052 but none, I think, do there embrace.
45055 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
45056 -- Charles de Gaulle
45058 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
45059 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
45060 courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
45061 clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
45062 of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
45064 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
45066 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
45067 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
45069 The Great Movie Posters:
45071 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
45072 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
45073 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
45075 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
45076 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
45077 -- The Wild Party (1929)
45079 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
45080 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
45081 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
45082 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
45083 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
45085 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
45086 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
45087 -- The Night is Young (1934)
45089 The Great Movie Posters:
45091 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
45093 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
45095 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
45096 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
45098 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
45100 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
45102 The family that slays together stays together.
45103 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
45105 The Great Movie Posters:
45107 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
45110 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
45111 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
45112 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
45114 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
45117 It's not human and it's got an axe.
45120 The Great Movie Posters:
45122 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
45123 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
45124 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
45125 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
45127 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
45128 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
45130 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
45131 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
45132 Alone, only a harmless pet...
45133 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
45134 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
45136 They're Over-Exposed
45137 But Not Under-Developed!
45138 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
45140 The Great Movie Posters:
45142 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
45143 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
45145 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
45146 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
45147 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
45149 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
45150 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
45151 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
45153 The Great Movie Posters:
45155 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
45156 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
45158 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
45159 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
45161 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
45162 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
45164 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
45165 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
45167 The Great Movie Posters:
45169 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
45170 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
45171 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
45174 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
45175 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
45178 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
45179 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
45180 she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
45181 spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
45182 was a girl in love!
45183 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
45184 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
45186 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
45187 -- Intermezzo (1939)
45189 The Great Movie Posters:
45191 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
45192 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
45194 She Sins in Mobile --
45195 Marries in Houston --
45196 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
45197 Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
45198 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
45201 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
45202 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
45204 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
45205 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
45206 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
45207 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
45208 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
45209 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
45211 The Great Movie Posters:
45213 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
45214 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
45215 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
45216 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
45217 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
45218 SEE the burning of a virgin!
45219 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
45220 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
45223 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
45224 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
45226 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
45227 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
45228 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
45229 give you the wim-wams!
45230 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
45232 The Great Movie Posters:
45234 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
45235 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
45236 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
45237 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
45239 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
45240 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
45242 It's always better when you come again!
45243 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
45245 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
45248 The Great Movie Posters:
45250 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
45251 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
45252 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
45254 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
45256 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
45259 TOMORROW the World!
45262 The Great Movie Posters:
45264 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
45265 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
45272 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
45273 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
45274 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
45275 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
45276 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
45277 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
45278 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
45279 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
45280 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
45281 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
45283 The Great Movie Posters:
45285 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
45286 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
45288 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
45289 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
45290 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
45291 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
45292 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
45293 -- Robot Monster (1953)
45295 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
45297 -- The Egyptian (1954)
45299 The Great Movie Posters:
45301 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
45302 horror on a screaming world!
45303 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
45305 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
45307 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
45309 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
45310 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
45311 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
45312 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
45314 The Great Movie Posters:
45316 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
45317 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
45318 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
45320 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
45321 -- The French Line (1954)
45323 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
45324 -- Hot Blood (1956)
45326 The Great Movie Posters:
45328 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
45330 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
45332 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
45333 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
45335 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
45336 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
45337 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
45339 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
45343 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
45344 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
45345 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
45348 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
45349 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
45350 answered themselves.
45353 The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
45354 of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
45355 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
45357 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
45358 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
45360 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
45363 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
45364 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
45365 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
45366 their wives and daughters to his arms.
45367 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
45369 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
45372 The Greatest Mathematical Error
45373 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
45374 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
45375 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
45376 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
45377 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
45378 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
45379 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
45380 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
45381 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
45382 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
45384 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
45385 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45387 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
45389 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
45390 -- Robert A. Heinlein
45392 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
45394 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
45395 it delivers its message and then disappears.
45397 The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
45398 thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
45399 would have been useful to the chicken.
45401 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
45403 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
45406 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
45407 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
45409 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
45412 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
45413 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
45415 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
45416 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
45417 author's name on the title page.
45418 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
45420 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
45421 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
45423 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
45424 of functions performed by private citizens.
45425 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
45427 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
45428 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
45430 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
45433 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
45435 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
45437 The heaviest object in the world is the
45438 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
45439 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
45441 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
45442 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
45444 The help people need most urgently is
45445 help in admitting that they need help.
45447 The herd instinct among economists
45448 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
45450 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
45451 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
45452 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
45453 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
45454 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
45455 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
45457 -- Benjamin Cardozo
45459 The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
45460 which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
45461 least 5000 years old."
45463 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
45464 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
45466 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
45467 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
45468 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
45469 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
45470 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
45472 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
45474 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
45475 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
45478 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
45480 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
45482 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
45483 pretext that your brother did it.
45485 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
45488 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
45489 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
45492 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
45493 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
45496 The horror... the horror!
45498 The human animal differs from the lesser
45499 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
45502 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
45503 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
45504 -- Sir George Jessel
45506 The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
45507 has gills through which it can see.
45510 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
45511 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
45513 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
45514 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
45517 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
45518 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
45519 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
45520 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
45521 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
45522 certain degree of awe.
45523 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
45525 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
45528 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
45529 procession but carrying a banner.
45532 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
45535 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
45536 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
45539 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
45540 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
45543 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
45544 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
45546 The idea is to die young as late as possible.
45549 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
45550 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
45551 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
45554 The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
45555 devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
45556 where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
45557 sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
45558 consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
45559 have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
45560 repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
45561 of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
45562 devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
45563 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
45565 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
45566 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
45569 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
45570 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
45571 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
45572 -- John Maynard Keynes
45574 The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
45577 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
45579 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
45582 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
45586 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
45587 A program is a lot like a nose:
45588 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
45590 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
45592 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
45594 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
45595 has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
45596 when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
45599 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
45600 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
45601 important thing to people.
45602 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
45604 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
45605 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
45606 -- Bertrand Russell
45608 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
45609 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
45610 -- Winston Churchill
45612 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
45613 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
45614 pointer and a mark.
45615 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
45617 The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
45618 number of participants.
45621 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
45622 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
45623 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
45624 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
45625 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
45626 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
45627 overturning everything.
45628 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
45630 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
45631 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
45633 The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
45634 information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
45635 dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
45636 real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
45638 So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
45639 pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
45640 consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
45641 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
45643 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
45644 treat the Arabs like postmen.
45647 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
45648 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
45649 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
45650 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
45651 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
45654 The Junior God now heads the roll
45655 In the list of heaven's peers;
45656 He sits in the House of High Control,
45657 And he regulates the spheres.
45658 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
45659 If, even in gods divine,
45660 The best and wisest may not be those
45661 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
45664 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
45665 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
45666 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
45667 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
45668 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
45669 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
45670 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
45671 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
45672 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
45673 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
45674 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
45675 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
45676 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
45677 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
45678 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
45679 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
45681 The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
45682 there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
45685 The Kennedy Constant:
45686 Don't get mad -- get even.
45688 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
45691 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
45692 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
45693 advantage to see the truth.
45694 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
45696 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
45698 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
45699 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
45701 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
45703 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
45704 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
45706 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
45707 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
45710 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
45711 K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
45712 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
45714 The knowledge that makes us cherish
45715 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
45718 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
45719 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
45720 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
45721 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
45722 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
45723 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
45724 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
45725 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
45726 And now, just look at me."
45728 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
45729 Would shudder at a wicked word.
45730 Their candle gives a single light;
45731 They'd rather stay at home at night.
45732 They do not keep awake till three,
45733 Nor read erotic poetry.
45734 They never sanction the impure,
45735 Nor recognize an overture.
45736 They shrink from powders and from paints...
45737 So far, I've had no complaints.
45740 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
45741 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
45742 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
45744 The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
45747 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
45748 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
45750 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
45752 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
45755 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
45759 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
45760 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
45763 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
45766 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
45767 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
45770 The Law of the Letter:
45771 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
45773 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
45774 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
45776 The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
45778 -- Henry David Thoreau
45780 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
45781 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
45782 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
45786 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
45787 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
45788 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
45789 give a public reading of his latest poem.
45790 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
45791 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
45792 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
45793 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
45794 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
45795 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
45797 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
45798 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
45799 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
45800 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
45801 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
45802 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
45803 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
45804 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
45805 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
45807 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45809 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
45810 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
45811 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
45812 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
45813 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
45814 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
45815 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
45816 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
45817 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45819 The Least Successful Collector
45820 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
45821 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
45822 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
45823 works of Shakespeare.
45824 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
45825 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
45826 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
45827 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
45828 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
45829 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
45830 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45832 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
45833 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
45834 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
45835 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
45837 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
45838 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
45839 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
45840 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
45841 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
45842 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
45844 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45846 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
45847 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
45848 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
45849 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
45850 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
45852 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45854 The Least Successful Executions
45855 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
45856 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
45857 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
45858 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
45859 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
45860 punishment, he was reprieved.
45861 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
45862 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
45863 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
45864 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
45865 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
45866 to America and lived until 1933.
45867 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45869 The Least Successful Police Dogs
45870 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
45871 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
45872 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
45873 offend the criminal classes.
45874 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
45875 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
45876 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
45877 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
45878 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
45880 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
45881 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
45882 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
45883 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
45884 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45886 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
45889 The less time planning, the more time programming.
45891 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
45893 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
45894 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
45895 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
45896 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
45897 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
45898 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
45899 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
45900 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
45902 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
45904 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
45905 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
45906 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
45909 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
45911 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
45912 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
45913 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
45914 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
45915 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
45916 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
45918 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
45920 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
45921 Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
45922 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
45923 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
45924 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
45925 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
45927 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
45928 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
45929 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
45930 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
45932 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
45933 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
45935 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
45938 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
45939 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
45940 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
45943 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
45945 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
45946 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
45947 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
45948 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
45949 it travels across the screen.
45951 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
45953 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
45954 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
45955 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
45956 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
45958 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
45960 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
45961 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
45962 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
45963 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
45964 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
45966 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
45968 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
45969 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
45970 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
45971 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
45972 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
45973 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
45974 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
45975 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
45976 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
45977 who end up using this language.
45979 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
45981 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
45982 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
45983 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
45984 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
45985 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
45986 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
45987 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
45988 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
45989 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
45991 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
45994 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
45997 The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
46000 The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
46002 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
46004 The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
46006 The lion and the calf shall lie down
46007 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
46010 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
46011 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
46014 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
46015 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
46017 The little town that time forgot,
46018 Where all the women are strong,
46019 The men are good-looking,
46020 And the children above-average.
46021 -- Prairie Home Companion
46023 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
46024 door with a basket of kittens.
46025 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
46026 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
46027 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
46028 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
46029 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
46030 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
46031 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
46032 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
46034 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
46035 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
46036 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
46039 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
46042 The longer the title, the less important the job.
46044 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
46045 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
46047 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
46048 we could with both of them.
46049 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
46051 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
46052 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
46054 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
46058 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
46059 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46061 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
46062 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
46063 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
46064 Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
46065 steel through your last meal!"
46066 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46068 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
46070 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
46071 Are of imagination all compact...
46072 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
46074 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
46076 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
46077 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46079 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
46082 The major advances in civilization are processes
46083 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
46086 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
46087 bonds will eventually mature.
46089 The major sin is the sin of being born.
46092 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
46094 -- Honore de Balzac
46096 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
46097 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
46101 The makers may make,
46102 And the users may use,
46103 But the fixers must fix
46104 With but minimal clues.
46106 The man she had was kind and clean
46107 And well enough for every day,
46108 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
46109 The one that got away.
46110 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
46112 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
46113 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
46114 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
46116 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
46117 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
46118 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
46119 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
46120 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
46121 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
46122 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
46123 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
46124 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
46125 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
46126 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
46127 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46129 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
46130 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
46132 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
46134 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
46137 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
46140 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
46141 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
46143 The man who runs may fight again.
46146 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
46147 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
46148 -- Old Japanese proverb
46150 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
46151 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
46154 The man who understands one woman is
46155 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
46158 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
46159 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
46162 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
46163 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
46166 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
46169 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
46171 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
46172 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
46173 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
46175 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
46176 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
46179 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
46180 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
46181 master calls a butterfly.
46182 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
46184 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
46185 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
46186 are one, and that one is Marxism.
46188 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
46190 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
46192 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
46193 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
46194 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
46196 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
46199 The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
46201 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
46202 always end up on their ends without any means.
46205 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
46206 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
46208 The meek don't want it.
46210 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
46212 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
46214 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
46215 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
46217 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
46220 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
46222 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
46224 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
46225 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
46227 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
46229 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
46230 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
46233 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
46234 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
46236 -- Winston Churchill
46238 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
46239 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
46240 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
46241 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
46243 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
46244 devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
46247 The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
46248 System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
46251 The operation completed successfully.
46253 For more information, see Help and Support Center at
46254 http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
46256 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
46258 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
46259 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
46260 being who produces the impressions.
46261 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
46263 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
46264 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
46265 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
46266 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
46267 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
46268 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
46270 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
46273 The Modelski Chain Rule:
46274 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
46275 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
46277 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
46278 bright-looking individual.
46279 3: Procure a large chain.
46280 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
46281 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
46282 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
46283 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
46285 The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
46286 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
46288 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
46289 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
46291 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
46293 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
46294 -- Nicol Williamson
46296 The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
46298 The moon is made of green cheese.
46301 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
46303 The Moral Majority is neither.
46305 The more control, the more that requires control.
46307 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
46308 the odds that the competition already has the order.
46310 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
46312 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
46313 lower the mailing cost.
46314 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
46316 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
46318 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
46319 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
46321 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
46322 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
46324 The more laws and order are made prominent,
46325 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
46328 The more the merrier.
46331 The more they over-think the plumbing
46332 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
46334 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
46337 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
46339 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
46341 The more we disagree, the more chance
46342 there is that at least one of us is right.
46344 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
46346 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
46348 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
46349 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
46350 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
46352 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
46354 The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
46357 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
46359 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
46360 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
46361 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
46362 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
46363 have the good fortune to find one.
46366 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
46367 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
46368 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
46371 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
46372 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
46375 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
46376 -- American proverb
46378 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
46381 b) The American Nazi Party
46382 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
46384 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
46385 the country is the one on which you resell it.
46388 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
46389 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
46391 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
46392 to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
46393 -- Theodore H. White
46395 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
46397 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
46398 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
46399 -- Alfred De Musset
46401 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
46402 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
46405 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
46406 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
46407 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
46408 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
46409 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
46410 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
46411 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
46412 starts a long, long time before the event.
46413 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
46414 from "Congress Eate It Up"
46416 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
46417 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
46420 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
46421 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
46422 -- Samuel T. Coleridge
46424 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
46426 The most important early product on the way
46427 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
46429 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
46430 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
46432 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
46433 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
46436 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
46438 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
46439 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
46441 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
46442 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
46443 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
46445 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
46446 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
46447 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
46448 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
46449 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
46450 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
46451 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
46452 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
46453 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
46454 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
46455 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
46456 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
46457 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
46458 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
46459 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
46460 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
46461 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
46462 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
46463 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
46464 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
46465 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
46466 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
46467 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
46468 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
46469 broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
46470 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
46472 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
46473 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
46477 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
46478 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
46479 them were fishermen.
46482 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
46483 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
46484 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
46485 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
46486 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
46487 to commit adultery.
46488 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
46489 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
46490 the printers L3,000.
46491 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
46493 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
46494 children for their insurance money.
46497 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
46499 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
46500 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
46501 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
46502 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
46504 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
46505 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
46506 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
46508 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
46509 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
46511 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
46512 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
46514 The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
46515 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
46518 The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
46519 Support your right to bare arms!
46521 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
46524 The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
46527 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
46528 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
46529 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
46530 -- James "Kibo" Parry
46532 The net of law is spread so wide,
46533 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
46534 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
46535 They take in every child of wrong.
46536 O wondrous web of mystery!
46537 Big fish alone escape from thee!
46538 -- James Jeffrey Roche
46540 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
46541 I hope I don't get run over again.
46543 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
46544 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
46547 A javelin team that elects to receive.
46549 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
46550 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
46552 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
46553 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
46557 The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
46558 Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
46559 The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
46560 and running the country ...
46561 -- Robert J. Woodhead
46563 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
46564 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
46567 The next thing I say to you will be true.
46568 The last thing I said was false.
46570 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
46571 -- Lucille S. Harper
46573 The nice thing about standards
46574 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
46575 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
46577 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
46579 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
46580 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
46582 Breakfast at the Egg House,
46583 Like the waffle on the griddle,
46584 I'm burnt around the edges,
46585 But I'm tender in the middle.
46588 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
46589 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
46590 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
46591 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
46592 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
46594 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
46595 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
46596 -- Dennis M. Ritchie
46598 The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
46599 serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
46600 these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
46601 function is to serve as checks upon the state.
46604 The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
46608 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
46609 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
46611 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
46614 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
46615 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
46617 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
46618 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
46620 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
46621 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
46622 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
46625 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
46626 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
46627 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
46630 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
46631 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
46633 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
46635 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
46637 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
46639 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
46640 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
46641 of Corporate Planning."
46643 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
46645 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
46646 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
46647 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
46648 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
46650 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
46652 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
46653 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
46654 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
46655 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
46656 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
46657 god at 8:15 the next morning.
46659 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
46660 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
46661 more like fourteen.
46662 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
46664 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
46665 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
46666 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
46667 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
46668 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
46670 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
46671 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
46674 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
46675 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
46677 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
46679 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
46680 Let the reader catch his own breath.
46681 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
46683 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
46684 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
46687 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
46690 The one good thing about repeating your
46691 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
46693 The one L lama, he's a priest
46694 The two L llama, he's a beast
46695 And I will bet my silk pyjama
46696 There isn't any three L lllama.
46697 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
46698 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
46700 The One Page Principle:
46701 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
46702 cannot be understood.
46705 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
46706 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
46708 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
46711 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
46714 The only constant is change.
46716 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
46717 right turn on a red light.
46720 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
46721 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
46723 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
46725 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
46726 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
46729 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
46730 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
46731 -- The Indianapolis Star
46733 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
46735 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
46737 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
46738 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
46739 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
46740 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
46741 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
46742 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
46743 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
46744 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
46745 it and are delighted.
46746 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
46748 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
46751 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
46752 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
46753 beyond this they have no legitimacy.
46756 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
46759 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
46760 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
46761 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
46762 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
46763 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
46765 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
46768 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
46770 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
46772 The only possible interpretation of any research
46773 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
46774 -- Ernest Rutherford
46776 The only problem with being a man of leisure
46777 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
46779 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
46782 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
46783 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
46784 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
46785 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
46788 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
46789 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
46790 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
46791 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
46793 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
46795 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
46796 for getting acquainted.
46799 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
46800 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
46803 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
46805 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
46806 has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
46807 finished, and put inside boxes.
46808 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
46810 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
46811 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
46814 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
46815 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
46817 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
46819 The only thing better than love is milk.
46821 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
46823 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
46825 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
46827 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
46828 the first one was useless.
46829 -- Nicolas Chamfort
46831 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
46834 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
46835 the lessons that history has to teach.
46838 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
46839 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
46841 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
46842 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
46843 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
46844 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
46846 The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
46848 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
46850 I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
46852 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
46854 The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
46855 he has lost over the years.
46856 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
46858 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
46861 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
46865 The only way to amuse some people
46866 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
46868 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
46871 The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
46872 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
46875 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
46878 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
46879 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
46880 -- Jean de la Bruyere
46882 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
46885 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
46886 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
46889 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
46892 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
46894 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
46896 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
46897 and the pessimist knows it.
46898 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
46900 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
46901 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
46902 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
46903 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
46905 The optimum committee has no members.
46906 -- Norman Augustine
46908 The opulence of the front office door varies
46909 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
46911 The orders come down and they march us away.
46912 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
46913 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
46914 But it's better than working for Xerox.
46915 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
46917 The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
46921 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
46924 The other line moves faster.
46926 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
46927 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
46928 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
46929 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
46930 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
46931 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
46932 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
46933 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
46934 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
46935 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
46936 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
46937 never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
46939 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
46941 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
46942 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
46944 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
46945 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
46946 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
46947 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
46949 The past always looks better than it was.
46950 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
46951 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
46953 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
46954 were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
46957 The people sensible enough to give
46958 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
46960 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
46961 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
46962 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
46963 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
46964 person you have always wanted to be.
46967 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
46970 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
46971 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
46975 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
46977 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
46979 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
46981 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
46983 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
46984 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
46985 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
46986 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
46988 The philosopher's treatment of a question
46989 is like the treatment of an illness.
46992 The Phone Booth Rule:
46993 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
46995 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
46996 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
46997 Let others think his heart is big,
46998 I think it stupid of the Pig.
47001 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
47002 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
47003 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
47004 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
47005 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
47008 The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
47011 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
47012 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
47013 "Let our thoughts be correct".
47016 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
47017 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
47018 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
47019 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
47020 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
47021 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
47022 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
47023 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
47024 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
47025 the higher emotions.
47026 She would me "Honey" call,
47027 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
47028 But now alas! She's left me
47030 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
47031 was her prudent choice of footwear.
47032 The fives did fit her shoe.
47033 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
47034 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
47035 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
47036 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
47037 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
47038 worst poet in England."
47039 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
47041 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
47042 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
47045 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
47046 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
47047 save your sanity for later.
47049 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
47050 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
47051 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
47052 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
47053 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
47055 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
47058 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
47059 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
47060 -- Buckminster Fuller
47062 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
47063 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
47066 The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
47069 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
47072 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
47073 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
47075 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
47077 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
47078 Were each of them once a kiddie.
47079 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
47080 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
47083 The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
47084 brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
47085 Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
47086 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
47088 The prettiest women are almost always the most
47089 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
47090 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
47092 The price of greatness is responsibility.
47094 The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
47095 they might force their beliefs on us.
47098 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
47101 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
47102 knowledge of its ugly side.
47105 The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
47106 warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
47107 changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
47109 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
47111 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
47112 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
47114 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
47115 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
47116 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
47117 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
47118 program, should the value of pi change.
47119 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
47121 The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
47122 voters to win the next election.
47124 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
47125 represents the secondary theme:
47127 Law Enforcement Officials
47129 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
47131 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
47134 The probability of someone watching you is directly
47135 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
47137 The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
47138 Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
47139 using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
47140 Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
47141 etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
47142 bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
47143 of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
47145 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
47147 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
47148 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
47151 The problem with any unwritten law is that
47152 you don't know where to go to erase it.
47155 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
47156 to sleep every few days.
47158 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
47159 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
47160 government because they could not keep up.
47163 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
47164 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
47167 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
47168 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
47169 -- Elizabeth Taylor
47171 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47173 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
47176 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
47177 particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
47178 with sloppy English.
47179 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
47181 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
47185 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
47187 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
47188 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47190 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
47191 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
47195 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
47196 thoughts about their neighbours.
47199 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
47200 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
47201 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
47202 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
47203 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
47204 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47206 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
47207 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
47209 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
47211 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
47214 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
47215 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
47216 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
47218 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
47219 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
47222 The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
47223 "My brain is paged out to my liver"
47225 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
47227 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
47228 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
47229 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
47230 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
47231 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
47232 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
47233 remain each in their own position.
47234 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
47237 The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
47238 it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
47239 that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
47241 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
47243 The questions remain the same.
47244 The answers are eternally variable.
47246 The Rabbits The Cow
47247 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
47248 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
47251 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
47252 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
47255 The rain it raineth on the just
47256 And also on the unjust fella:
47257 But chiefly on the just, because
47258 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
47261 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
47263 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
47264 measurement of the speed of blight.
47266 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
47267 illiterates can read.
47270 The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
47273 The real man's Bloody Mary:
47274 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
47275 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
47277 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
47278 Throw all the other ingredients away.
47280 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
47282 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
47283 -- Christopher Morley
47285 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
47286 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
47288 The real reason psychology is hard is that
47289 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
47291 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
47293 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
47295 The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
47296 which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
47297 Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
47298 Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
47299 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
47301 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
47304 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
47305 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
47308 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
47309 is that the experience makes you wise.
47311 The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
47315 The reason why worry kills more people
47316 than work is that more people worry than work.
47318 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
47319 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
47320 progress depends on the unreasonable man.
47321 -- George Bernard Shaw
47323 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
47324 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
47325 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
47326 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
47327 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
47328 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
47330 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
47331 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
47334 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
47338 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
47339 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
47340 The hen, pleased with that,
47341 Laid an egg in his hat --
47342 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
47343 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
47345 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
47346 -- Japanese proverb
47348 The revolution will not be televised.
47350 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
47352 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
47353 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47355 The rhino is a homely beast,
47356 For human eyes he's not a feast.
47357 Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
47358 I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
47361 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
47362 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
47364 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
47365 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
47367 The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
47368 and to his imagination for his facts.
47371 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
47373 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
47375 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
47378 The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
47379 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
47381 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
47382 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
47383 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
47384 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
47385 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
47387 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
47388 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
47389 you have and what rights you have not got.
47390 -- J. Parnell Thomas
47392 The ripest fruit falls first.
47393 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
47395 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
47398 The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
47401 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
47404 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
47405 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
47409 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
47410 one who is doing it.
47412 The root of all superstition is that men
47413 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
47416 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
47418 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
47419 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
47420 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
47421 take it too seriously.
47422 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
47424 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
47425 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
47427 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
47428 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
47429 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
47431 The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
47432 can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
47433 it through power, violence or weapons.
47434 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
47438 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
47439 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
47440 the console keyboard.
47441 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
47442 card decks together.
47443 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
47444 especially if you're already married.
47445 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
47446 a stool to reach another disk pack.
47447 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
47449 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
47450 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
47451 8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
47452 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
47453 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
47455 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
47456 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
47457 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
47459 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
47460 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
47461 gesture by the individual to himself.
47462 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
47464 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
47466 The savior becomes the victim.
47468 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
47470 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
47471 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
47473 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
47475 "The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
47477 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
47478 showed that all had these things in common:
47480 (1) They all had moderate appetites.
47481 (2) They all came from middle class homes.
47482 (3) All but two of them were dead.
47484 The scum also rises.
47485 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
47487 The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
47488 password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
47489 -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
47491 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
47492 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
47496 The second best policy is dishonesty.
47498 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
47499 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
47502 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
47504 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
47506 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
47507 you've got it made.
47510 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
47511 there is no humor in Heaven.
47514 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
47515 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
47518 The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
47519 respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
47520 from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
47521 millstones are lifted.
47522 -- George Bernard Shaw
47524 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
47525 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
47526 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
47527 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
47528 him are dead, he is alive.
47529 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
47530 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
47531 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
47532 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
47533 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
47534 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
47535 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
47537 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
47540 The sheep died in the wool.
47542 The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
47544 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
47545 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
47547 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
47549 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
47552 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
47553 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
47555 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
47556 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
47557 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
47559 The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
47560 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
47561 in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
47565 The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
47566 -- [just say that five times...]
47568 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
47569 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
47571 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
47572 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
47574 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
47575 And surly Winter grimly flies.
47576 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
47577 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
47578 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
47579 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
47580 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
47581 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
47583 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
47584 The yellow Autumn presses near;
47585 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
47586 Till smiling Spring again appear.
47587 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
47588 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
47589 But never ranging, still unchanging,
47590 I adore my bonnie Bell.
47591 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
47593 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
47594 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
47595 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
47596 one can see only a very few things at once.
47597 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
47599 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
47600 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
47603 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
47604 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
47605 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
47606 its theories will hold water.
47608 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
47609 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
47610 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
47611 And slowly she let him inside.
47613 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
47614 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
47615 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
47616 And now will you tell me why?"
47617 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
47619 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
47620 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
47623 The solution of this problem is trivial
47624 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
47626 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
47627 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
47628 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
47629 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
47630 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
47631 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
47632 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
47633 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
47634 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
47635 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
47636 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
47637 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
47638 the table as the children gathered around him.
47639 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
47640 There was total silence.
47641 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
47643 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
47644 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
47646 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
47647 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
47649 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
47651 The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
47652 able to correct them.
47655 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
47657 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
47658 In town a noun might wear a gown,
47659 or further down, might dress a clown.
47660 A noun that's sound would never clown,
47661 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
47662 The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
47663 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
47664 But please don't let that get you down,
47665 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
47668 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
47669 readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
47670 some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
47671 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
47672 the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
47673 known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
47674 Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
47675 of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
47676 psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
47677 Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
47678 these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
47679 further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
47680 something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
47682 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
47684 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
47685 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
47686 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
47687 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
47690 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
47692 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
47693 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
47694 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
47696 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
47698 The star of riches is shining upon you.
47700 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
47701 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
47702 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
47703 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
47704 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
47705 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
47706 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
47708 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
47710 The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
47712 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
47713 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
47715 The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
47716 thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
47720 The steady state of disks is full.
47723 The story of the butterfly:
47724 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
47725 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
47726 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
47727 the third day, I heard a knock."
47728 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
47729 there was nothing."
47730 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
47731 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
47733 The story you are about to hear is true.
47734 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
47736 The street preacher looked so baffled
47737 When I asked him why he dressed
47738 With forty pounds of headlines
47739 Stapled to his chest.
47740 But he cursed me when I proved to him
47741 I said, "Not even you can hide.
47742 You see, you're just like me.
47743 I hope you're satisfied."
47746 The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
47748 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
47750 The streets were dark with something more than night.
47751 -- Raymond Chandler
47753 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
47755 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
47756 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
47757 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
47758 that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
47759 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
47760 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
47761 by the values he wills.
47762 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
47764 The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
47765 is an emerging underachiever.
47767 The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
47770 "The subspace _
\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _
\bV. And there aren't
47771 even any property taxes."
47772 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
47774 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
47775 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
47776 -- The Silver Surfer
47778 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
47779 The population is, of course, growing.
47781 The sum of the Universe is zero.
47783 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
47786 The sun was shining on the sea,
47787 Shining with all his might:
47788 He did his very best to make
47789 The billows smooth and bright --
47790 And this was very odd, because it was
47791 The middle of the night.
47793 "Through the Looking-Glass,
47794 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
47796 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
47797 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
47799 The superfluous is very necessary.
47802 The superior man understands what is right;
47803 the inferior man understands what will sell.
47806 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
47807 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
47808 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
47809 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
47810 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
47814 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
47816 The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
47819 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
47821 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
47822 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
47823 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
47825 The surest way to remain a winner is to
47826 win once, and then not play any more.
47828 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
47829 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
47830 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
47832 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
47834 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
47836 The Tao doesn't take sides;
47837 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
47838 The Guru doesn't take sides;
47839 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
47841 The Tao is like a stack:
47842 the data changes but not the structure.
47843 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
47844 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
47846 Hold on to the root.
47848 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
47849 used but never used up.
47850 It is like the extern void:
47851 filled with infinite possibilities.
47853 It is masked but always present.
47854 I don't know who built to it.
47855 It came before the first kernel.
47857 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
47858 is not the entire Tao.
47859 The path that can be specified
47860 is not the Full Path.
47862 We declare the names
47863 of all variables and functions.
47864 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
47866 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
47867 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
47869 Yet magic and hierarchy
47870 arise from the same source,
47871 and this source has a null pointer.
47873 Reference the NULL within NULL,
47874 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
47876 The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
47877 artist never that he is a technician.
47878 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
47880 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
47882 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
47884 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
47885 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
47886 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
47887 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
47888 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
47889 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
47890 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
47891 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
47892 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
47893 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
47894 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
47895 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
47896 temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
47897 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
47898 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
47899 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
47900 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
47901 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
47902 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
47903 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
47904 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
47906 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
47907 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
47909 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
47910 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
47911 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
47912 most untechnician-like manner.
47914 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
47915 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
47918 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
47919 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
47920 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
47921 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
47922 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
47925 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
47926 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
47927 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
47929 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
47932 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
47933 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
47935 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
47937 The Third Law of Photography:
47938 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
47939 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
47940 the dark leaks out.
47942 The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
47944 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
47946 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
47950 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
47953 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
47954 I need a lot of sleep.
47955 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
47957 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
47958 accurately it's called mudslinging.
47961 The Thought Police are here. They've come
47962 To put you under cardiac arrest.
47963 And as they drag you through the door
47964 They tell you that you've failed the test.
47965 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
47967 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
47969 The three biggest software lies:
47971 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
47972 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
47973 will fix the microcode.
47974 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
47976 The three laws of thermodynamics:
47977 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
47978 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
47979 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
47981 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
47983 1) Where's the bathroom?
47984 2) What time does the parade start?
47985 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
47987 The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
47988 soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
47990 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
47992 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
47993 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
47994 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
47996 The three rules of international air travel:
47998 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
47999 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
48000 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
48001 know *exactly* what you're doing.
48002 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
48004 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
48005 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
48007 The time for action is past!
48008 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
48010 The time is right to make new friends.
48012 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
48013 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
48016 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
48017 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
48018 Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
48019 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
48020 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
48021 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
48022 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
48023 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
48024 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
48025 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
48026 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
48030 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
48033 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
48035 The tree of research must from time to time
48036 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
48039 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
48040 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
48043 The trouble with a kitten is that
48044 When it grows up, it's always a cat
48047 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
48049 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
48051 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
48053 -- Franklin P. Jones
48055 The trouble with being punctual is that people
48056 think you have nothing more important to do.
48058 The trouble with computers is that they do
48059 what you tell them, not what you want.
48062 The trouble with doing something right the first
48063 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
48065 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
48066 five or six days later you're hungry again.
48069 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
48070 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
48073 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
48074 -- George S. Kaufman
48076 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
48078 The trouble with opportunity is that it
48079 always comes disguised as hard work.
48080 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
48082 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
48083 and then marry him.
48086 The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
48089 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
48090 the other fellow of a dull one.
48093 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
48096 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
48097 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
48098 all of the people all of the time.
48101 The trouble with you
48102 Is the trouble with me.
48104 But we still don't see.
48105 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
48107 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
48108 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
48109 people stumble than to be walked upon.
48112 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
48115 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
48118 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
48121 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
48124 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
48127 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
48130 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
48131 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
48133 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
48134 Which practically conceal its sex.
48135 I think it clever of the turtle
48136 In such a fix to be so fertile.
48139 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
48142 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
48145 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
48146 -- George Bernard Shaw
48148 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
48149 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
48150 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
48153 The two things that can get you into trouble
48154 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
48156 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
48157 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
48160 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
48161 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
48162 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
48163 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
48165 So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
48166 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
48167 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
48169 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
48172 The ultimate game show will be the one
48173 where somebody gets killed at the end.
48174 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
48176 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
48177 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
48179 The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
48180 "100 percent American"...
48181 -- U.S. Army (1945)
48183 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
48185 The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
48188 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
48190 The universe is an island,
48191 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
48193 The universe is laughing behind your back.
48195 The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
48196 combination is locked up in the safe.
48199 Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
48202 The Universe is populated by stable things.
48205 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
48206 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
48209 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
48212 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
48213 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
48214 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
48215 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
48217 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
48218 and deviation standard.
48220 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
48221 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
48223 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
48224 that I assume it must be evil.
48227 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
48228 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
48229 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
48230 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
48231 world put together.
48232 -- Sir Peter Medawar
48234 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
48235 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
48236 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
48238 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
48239 regarded as a criminal offence.
48240 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
48242 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
48243 -- Benjamin Franklin
48245 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
48247 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
48251 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
48252 constant and regular employment of violence.
48253 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
48255 The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
48259 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
48260 Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
48261 to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
48262 be one of the facts that needs altering.
48263 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
48265 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
48266 -- Miguel de Cervantes
48268 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
48269 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
48270 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
48271 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
48272 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
48273 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
48274 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
48275 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
48276 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48278 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
48279 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
48282 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
48285 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
48286 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
48287 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
48288 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
48289 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
48290 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
48291 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
48293 The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
48294 it's just a tired feeling.
48296 The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
48298 The wages of sin are unreported.
48300 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
48303 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
48304 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
48307 The water was not fit to drink.
48308 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
48309 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
48310 -- Winston Churchill
48312 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
48313 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
48316 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
48319 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
48321 The way to a man's heart is through his
48322 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
48323 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
48325 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
48327 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
48329 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
48331 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
48333 The way to make a small fortune in the
48334 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
48336 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
48337 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
48338 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
48339 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
48340 I feel together today!
48341 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
48343 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
48345 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
48346 but the leaves are good to smoke!
48349 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
48350 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
48351 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
48352 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
48353 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
48355 The white race is the cancer of history.
48358 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
48361 The whole of life is futile unless you
48362 consider it as a sporting proposition.
48364 The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
48365 so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
48366 -- Bertrand Russell
48368 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
48371 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
48374 The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
48375 Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
48376 It must have blown through someone's feet,
48377 Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
48380 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
48381 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
48385 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
48386 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
48388 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
48390 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
48391 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
48392 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
48393 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
48394 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
48395 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
48396 to get up in the morning!"
48398 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
48399 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
48401 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
48402 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
48403 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
48404 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
48405 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
48406 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
48409 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
48410 designed for people who walk on their hands.
48411 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
48413 The world is a comedy to those who think,
48414 and a tragedy to those who feel.
48417 The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
48419 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
48421 The world is coming to an end!
48422 Repent and return those library books!
48424 The world is full of people who have never, since
48425 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
48428 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
48429 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
48432 The world is not octal despite DEC.
48434 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
48435 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
48436 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
48437 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
48439 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
48441 The world really isn't any worse.
48442 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
48444 The world wants to be deceived.
48447 The world's as ugly as sin,
48448 And almost as delightful.
48449 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
48451 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
48452 nor its great scholars great men.
48453 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
48455 The Worst American Poet
48456 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
48457 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
48458 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
48459 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
48461 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
48462 formula was the same:
48463 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
48464 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
48465 Of their death I will relate,
48466 And also others lost their life
48467 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
48468 Where so many people died.
48469 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
48470 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
48471 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
48472 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
48473 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
48474 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
48475 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
48476 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
48477 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48479 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
48481 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
48482 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
48483 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
48484 sheepishly left the building.
48485 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
48486 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
48487 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
48488 was a practical joke.
48489 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
48490 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
48491 trapped in the revolving doors again.
48493 The Worst Car Hire Service
48494 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
48495 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
48496 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
48497 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
48498 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
48499 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
48500 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
48501 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
48502 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
48503 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
48504 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
48505 we might overlook that too."
48506 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
48507 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
48509 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48511 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
48512 -- George Bernard Shaw
48514 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
48516 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
48517 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
48518 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
48519 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48521 The worst is enemy of the bad.
48523 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
48527 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
48528 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
48529 remotest clue what was happening.
48530 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
48531 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
48532 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
48533 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
48534 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
48535 was hearing a murder trial.
48536 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
48537 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
48538 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
48539 The judge ordered a retrial.
48540 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48542 The Worst Lines of Verse
48543 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
48544 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
48545 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
48546 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
48547 laughter the instant they were read out.
48548 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
48549 inspired by the subject of war.
48550 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
48551 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
48552 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
48553 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
48554 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
48555 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
48556 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
48557 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
48558 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
48559 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
48560 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
48561 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
48562 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
48563 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
48564 While in this world, are liable to leak."
48565 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
48567 "I've measured it from side to side;
48568 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
48569 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48571 The Worst Musical Trio
48572 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
48573 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
48574 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
48575 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
48576 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
48577 unhampered by great musical talent.
48578 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
48579 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
48580 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
48581 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
48582 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
48583 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
48584 "and it will be a sell out."
48585 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
48586 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
48587 asked for someone to turn his pages.
48588 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
48589 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
48590 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
48591 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
48592 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
48593 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
48594 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
48595 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48597 The worst part of having success is trying
48598 to find someone who is happy for you.
48601 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
48603 The Worst Prison Guards
48604 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
48605 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
48606 near Lisbon in Portugal.
48607 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
48608 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
48609 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
48610 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
48611 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
48612 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
48613 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
48614 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
48615 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
48616 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
48617 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
48619 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
48620 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
48621 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
48622 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
48623 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
48624 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
48625 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
48627 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
48628 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
48629 -- George Bernard Shaw
48631 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
48633 -- William Butler Yeats
48635 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
48636 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
48637 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
48640 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
48641 They were just the first not to crash.
48643 The yankees, son, are up north.
48644 The damnyankees are down here.
48646 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
48647 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
48650 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
48651 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
48652 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
48654 The young lady had an unusual list,
48655 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
48656 She set no preconditions.
48658 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
48659 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
48660 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
48661 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
48662 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
48663 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
48664 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
48665 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
48666 they only charge $1 a ball!"
48667 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
48670 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
48672 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
48673 and you'd better not refuse.
48677 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
48679 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
48680 then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
48683 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
48684 not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
48686 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
48687 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
48688 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
48689 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
48691 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
48692 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
48693 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
48694 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
48696 Then here's to the City of Boston,
48697 The town of the cries and the groans.
48698 Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
48699 And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
48700 -- Franklin Pierce Adams
48702 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
48703 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
48707 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
48709 Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
48710 Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
48711 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
48712 to the "W" on the dial.
48715 He who has a Tates is lost!
48717 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
48718 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
48721 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
48723 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
48724 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
48726 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
48727 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
48728 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
48729 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
48731 Proceed by induction:
48732 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
48735 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
48736 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
48737 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
48739 Theorem: All programs are dull.
48741 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
48742 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
48743 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
48744 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
48745 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
48746 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
48749 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
48750 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
48751 it will look in print.
48753 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
48754 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
48756 Theory of Selective Supervision:
48757 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
48758 the one time the boss walks through the office.
48760 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
48761 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
48762 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
48763 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
48764 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
48765 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
48766 He speaks with a commanding voice:
48768 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
48770 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
48772 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
48773 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
48776 There are a few things that never go out of style,
48777 and a feminine woman is one of them.
48780 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
48781 -- Winston Churchill
48783 There are bad times just around the corner,
48784 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
48785 And it's no good whining
48786 About a silver lining
48787 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
48790 There are few people more often in the wrong
48791 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
48793 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
48794 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
48795 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
48797 There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
48798 jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
48801 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
48802 and praiseworthy ...
48803 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
48805 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
48806 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
48807 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
48810 There are many intelligent species in
48811 the universe, and they all own cats.
48813 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
48814 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
48815 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
48816 get it in the winter.
48819 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
48820 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
48821 avoiding a great deal of pain.
48823 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
48826 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
48828 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
48830 There are more things in heaven and earth,
48831 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
48834 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
48836 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
48838 There are new messages.
48840 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
48843 There are no answers, only cross-references.
48846 There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
48847 are chosen correctly.
48849 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
48851 There are no games on this system.
48853 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
48854 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
48856 There are no great men, only great challenges that
48857 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
48858 -- Admiral William Halsey
48860 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
48861 -- The Duke of Wellington
48863 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
48864 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
48865 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
48866 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
48867 -- Richard Davisson
48869 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
48870 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
48872 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
48874 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
48877 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
48879 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
48880 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
48883 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
48884 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
48887 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
48888 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
48889 people who find nothing odd about it.
48892 There are places I'll remember
48893 All my life though some have changed.
48894 Some forever not for better
48895 Some have gone and some remain.
48896 All these places had their moments
48897 With lovers and friends I still recall.
48898 Some are dead and some are living,
48899 In my life I've loved them all.
48901 But of all these friends and lovers,
48902 There is no one compared with you,
48903 All these memories lose their meaning
48904 When I think of love as something new.
48905 Though I know I'll never lose affection
48906 For people and things that went before,
48907 I know I'll often stop and think about them
48908 In my life I'll love you more.
48909 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
48911 There are running jobs.
48912 Why don't you go chase them?
48914 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
48915 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
48916 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
48919 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
48920 By the men who moil for gold;
48921 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
48922 That would make your blood run cold;
48923 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
48924 But the queerest they ever did see
48925 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
48926 I cremated Sam McGee.
48927 -- Robert W. Service
48929 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
48930 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
48933 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
48934 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
48935 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
48936 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
48937 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
48938 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
48940 There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
48941 -- Benjamin Disraeli
48943 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
48945 There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
48946 from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
48947 loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
48949 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
48950 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
48951 a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
48952 of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
48953 affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
48954 When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
48955 Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
48956 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
48958 There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
48959 engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
48961 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
48963 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
48964 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
48965 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
48966 long winter evenings.
48969 There are three rules for writing a novel.
48970 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
48971 -- W. Somerset Maugham
48973 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
48974 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
48975 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
48976 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
48977 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
48979 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
48983 There are three things I have always loved
48984 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
48986 There are three things men can do with women:
48987 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
48990 There are three ways to get something done:
48992 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
48993 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
48995 There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
48998 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
48999 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
49002 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
49003 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
49004 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
49005 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
49006 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
49007 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
49008 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
49010 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
49011 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
49012 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
49013 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
49014 Man it is smokin'!"
49015 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
49017 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
49018 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
49019 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
49020 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
49022 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
49023 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
49024 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
49026 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
49027 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
49029 There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
49030 the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
49031 sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
49032 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
49034 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
49035 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
49036 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
49038 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
49039 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
49041 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
49043 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
49044 marriage and after marriage.
49046 There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
49047 make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
49048 other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
49052 There are two ways of disliking art.
49053 One is to dislike it.
49054 The other is to like it rationally.
49057 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
49058 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
49061 There are two ways to write error-free
49062 programs; only the third one works.
49064 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
49065 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
49067 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
49068 with an insurance salesman?
49071 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
49072 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
49073 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
49074 together we'll face the world.
49075 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
49077 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
49078 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
49080 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
49083 There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
49086 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
49089 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
49090 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
49093 There comes a time to stop being angry.
49094 -- A Small Circle of Friends
49096 There exist tasks which cannot be done
49097 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
49100 There goes the good time that was had by all.
49101 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
49103 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
49104 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
49105 permissions for everyone, you could say
49107 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
49109 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
49110 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
49112 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
49113 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
49114 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
49115 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
49116 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
49117 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
49118 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
49119 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
49120 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
49122 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
49123 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
49125 There has been an alarming increase in the
49126 number of things you know nothing about.
49128 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
49130 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
49131 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
49132 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
49133 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
49135 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
49136 elevator with one other person from each floor?
49137 A: The elevator would be full.
49139 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
49140 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
49141 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
49142 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
49144 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
49148 There is a fly on your nose.
49150 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
49151 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
49152 each other's throat.
49153 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
49155 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
49156 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
49158 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
49160 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
49161 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
49162 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
49164 There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
49165 tied during the month of April.
49167 There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
49170 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
49171 wooden toilet seats.
49173 It's called the Birch John Society.
49175 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
49176 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
49180 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
49181 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
49182 disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
49185 There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
49186 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
49188 There is a time in the tides of men,
49189 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
49190 On the other hand, don't count on it.
49193 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
49194 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
49197 There is always more hell that needs raising.
49200 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
49202 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
49204 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
49206 There is always something new out of Africa.
49207 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
49209 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
49210 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
49211 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
49213 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
49214 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
49217 There is brutality and there is honesty.
49218 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
49220 There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
49221 Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
49222 a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
49225 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
49226 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
49227 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
49228 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
49229 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
49232 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
49233 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
49235 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
49236 -- Arthur C. Clarke
49238 There is in certain living souls
49239 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
49240 So great it must be shared
49241 As company is shared by lesser beings.
49242 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
49244 There is one lonelier than you.
49246 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
49247 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
49248 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
49249 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
49250 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
49251 even highly probable.
49252 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
49254 There *_
\bi_
\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
49256 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
49257 and we will conquer. Follow me.
49258 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
49260 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
49261 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
49262 -- G. K. Chesterton
49264 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
49265 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
49267 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
49270 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
49271 always enough time to do it over.
49273 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
49275 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
49276 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
49277 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
49279 There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
49280 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49282 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
49283 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
49284 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
49286 There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
49287 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
49288 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
49289 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
49290 striving of the human race.
49291 -- Alfred North Whitehead
49293 There is no comfort without pain; thus
49294 we define salvation through suffering.
49297 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
49298 -- George Santayana
49300 There is no delight the equal of dread.
49301 As long as it is somebody else's.
49304 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
49306 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
49309 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
49310 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
49311 as "unearned income."
49314 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
49315 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
49317 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
49318 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
49319 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
49320 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
49321 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
49322 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
49324 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
49326 There is no fool to the old fool.
49329 There is no future in time travel.
49331 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
49333 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
49334 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
49335 -- Ernest Hemingway
49337 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
49338 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
49340 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
49341 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
49344 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
49345 -- George Francis Gillette
49347 There is no point in waiting.
49348 The train stopped running years ago.
49349 All the schedules, the brochures,
49350 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
49351 Promise rides to a distant country
49352 That no longer exists.
49354 There is no proverb that is not true.
49357 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
49358 tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
49359 abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
49360 war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
49362 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
49364 There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
49365 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
49366 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
49368 There is no royal road to geometry.
49371 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
49373 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
49374 -- George Bernard Shaw
49376 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
49377 -- General Douglas MacArthur
49379 There is no sin but ignorance.
49380 -- Christopher Marlowe
49382 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
49383 -- George Bernard Shaw
49385 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
49387 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
49389 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
49391 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
49393 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
49395 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
49396 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
49399 There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
49401 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
49402 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
49403 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
49405 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
49406 some anxiety always goes with it.
49408 There is no time like the pleasant.
49410 There is no time like the present
49411 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
49413 There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
49414 There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
49416 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
49417 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
49418 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
49419 live as cheap as the people.
49420 -- The Best of Will Rogers
49422 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
49423 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
49426 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
49427 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
49429 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
49430 -- Winston Churchill
49432 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
49433 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
49435 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
49436 -- Marie Antoinette
49438 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
49439 when you do it reluctantly.
49440 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
49442 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
49445 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
49446 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
49447 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
49448 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
49449 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
49450 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
49451 the middle of the night?'"
49453 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
49455 There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
49456 ocean level wouldn't cure.
49459 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
49460 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
49462 There is one difference between a tax collector and
49463 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
49466 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
49467 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
49470 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
49471 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
49474 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
49477 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
49478 -- Robert A. Heinlein
49480 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
49481 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
49484 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
49485 and that word is blackmail.
49488 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
49489 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
49492 There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
49493 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
49495 There is something in the pang of change
49496 More than the heart can bear,
49497 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
49500 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
49502 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
49504 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
49505 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
49509 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
49510 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
49512 There must be more to life than having everything.
49515 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
49516 -- Benjamin Franklin
49518 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
49519 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
49520 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
49522 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
49523 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
49524 what would your decision be, my son?"
49525 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
49526 her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
49527 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
49529 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
49530 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
49531 in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
49533 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
49534 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
49535 what would your decision be, my son?"
49536 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
49537 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
49538 that I had promised."
49539 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
49541 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
49544 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
49545 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
49547 There was a little girl
49548 Who had a little curl
49549 Right in the middle of her forehead.
49550 When she was good, she was very, very good
49551 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
49552 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
49554 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
49555 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
49556 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
49557 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
49558 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
49559 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
49560 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
49561 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
49562 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
49563 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
49564 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
49565 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
49566 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
49567 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
49568 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
49569 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
49570 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
49571 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
49573 There was a phone call for you.
49575 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
49576 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
49577 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
49578 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
49579 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
49580 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
49581 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
49582 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
49583 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
49585 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
49586 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
49587 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
49589 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
49591 There was a young man from LeDoux,
49592 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
49594 There was a young man from Verdunne.
49596 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
49597 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
49598 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
49600 There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
49601 both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
49602 talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
49606 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
49607 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
49608 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
49609 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
49610 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
49611 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
49612 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
49613 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
49614 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
49615 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
49616 the squaws of the other two hides.
49618 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
49619 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
49620 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
49621 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
49622 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
49623 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
49624 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
49625 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
49627 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
49628 Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
49629 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
49631 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
49632 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
49633 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
49634 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
49635 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
49636 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
49637 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
49638 he tells the counterman.
49639 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
49640 "You must be from New York."
49641 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
49643 "Because this is a hardware store."
49645 There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
49646 the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
49647 digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
49648 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
49649 transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
49650 stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
49651 feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
49652 systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
49653 first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
49654 satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
49655 telephone business?
49657 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
49658 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
49660 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
49662 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
49665 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
49666 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
49669 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
49670 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
49671 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
49672 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
49673 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
49674 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
49675 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
49676 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
49678 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
49681 There's a lesson that I need to remember
49682 When everything is falling apart
49683 In life, just like in loving
49684 There's such a thing as trying to hard
49687 Like you don't need the money
49688 Love like you'll never get hurt
49690 Like nobody's watching
49691 It's gotta come from the heart
49692 If you want it to work.
49695 There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
49696 allows you to install Windows.
49697 -- Matthew D. Fuller
49699 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
49701 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
49702 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
49703 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
49704 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
49705 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
49706 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
49707 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
49708 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
49709 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
49710 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
49711 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
49712 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
49713 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
49715 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
49716 The corporation that we represent.
49717 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
49718 Of that man of men our sterling president
49719 The name of T. J. Watson means
49720 A courage none can stem
49721 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
49722 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
49724 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
49725 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
49726 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
49727 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
49728 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
49729 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
49730 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
49731 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
49732 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
49733 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
49734 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
49735 along -- quite gracefully.
49738 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
49741 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
49743 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
49745 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
49746 don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
49750 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
49752 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
49754 There's little in taking or giving,
49755 There's little in water or wine:
49756 This living, this living, this living,
49757 Was never a project of mine.
49758 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
49759 The gain of the one at the top,
49760 For art is a form of catharsis,
49761 And love is a permanent flop,
49762 And work is the province of cattle,
49763 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
49764 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
49765 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
49768 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
49769 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
49772 There's no justice in this world.
49773 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
49774 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
49775 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
49776 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
49779 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
49780 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
49782 There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
49785 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
49788 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
49790 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
49791 what you're talking about.
49792 -- John von Neumann
49794 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
49795 -- Milton Friendman
49797 There's no such thing as an original sin.
49800 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
49804 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
49806 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
49808 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
49810 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
49811 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
49813 There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man
49814 appreciate his wife.
49815 -- Clare Booth Luce
49817 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
49819 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
49821 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
49822 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
49825 There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
49826 work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
49829 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
49833 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
49834 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
49836 There's nothing worse for your business than
49837 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
49840 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
49841 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
49843 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
49844 always see somebody who did worse.
49845 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
49847 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
49849 There's only one everything.
49851 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
49852 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
49855 There's small choice in rotten apples.
49856 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
49858 There's so much plastic in this culture that
49859 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
49862 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
49864 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
49865 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
49868 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
49869 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
49871 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
49872 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
49874 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
49875 -- Richard Le Gallienne
49877 These activities have their own rules and methods
49878 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
49879 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
49881 "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
49882 "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
49883 "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
49884 out of MEGATON MAN!"
49886 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
49887 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
49889 They also serve who only stand and wait.
49892 They also surf who only stand on waves.
49894 They are called computers simply because computation is
49895 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
49897 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
49898 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
49899 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
49900 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
49901 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
49903 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
49904 when they can see nothing but sea.
49907 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
49908 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
49910 They call them "squares" because it's the
49911 most complicated shape they can deal with.
49913 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
49914 -- The Blues Brothers
49916 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
49917 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
49918 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
49920 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
49921 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
49922 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
49923 only want to count to two.
49924 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
49926 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
49927 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
49928 question about the suffering of starving miners.
49930 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
49932 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
49933 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
49935 They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
49936 Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
49937 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
49939 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
49941 They make a desert and call it peace.
49942 -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
49944 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
49945 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
49946 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
49947 -- Richard M. Nixon
49949 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
49950 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
49951 learn this particular lesson.
49952 -- Richard Stallman
49954 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
49955 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
49956 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
49958 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
49959 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
49960 then we take Berlin.
49962 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
49963 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
49964 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
49965 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
49967 They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
49968 always spell better than they pronounce.
49971 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
49972 safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
49973 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
49975 They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
49977 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
49978 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
49979 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
49980 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
49982 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
49983 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
49984 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
49985 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
49987 My notion was to start again
49988 Ignoring all they'd done
49989 We quickly turned it into code
49990 To see if it would run.
49992 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
49993 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
49995 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
49996 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
49998 They use different words for things in America.
49999 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
50000 They say drapes and we say curtains.
50001 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
50004 They went rushing down that freeway,
50005 Messed around and got lost.
50006 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
50007 And it was life in the fast lane.
50008 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
50010 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
50011 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
50013 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
50014 The man said "We got all that we can use",
50015 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
50016 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
50019 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
50020 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
50021 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
50025 They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling
50026 age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on
50027 you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and
50029 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father
50031 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
50032 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
50034 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
50036 They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
50040 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
50041 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
50042 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
50044 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
50045 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50047 Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
50049 Things are not always what they seem.
50052 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50054 Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
50056 Things Charles Darwin did not say:
50058 Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
50060 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
50062 Things past redress and now with me past care.
50063 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
50065 Things will be bright in P.M.
50066 A cop will shine a light in your face.
50068 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
50071 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
50074 Pollute the Mississippi.
50076 Think honk if you're a telepath.
50078 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
50081 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
50083 Think of your family tonight.
50084 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
50089 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
50091 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
50092 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
50094 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
50095 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
50096 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
50097 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
50098 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
50099 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
50100 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
50101 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
50103 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
50104 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
50107 Thirty days hath Septober,
50108 April, June, and no wonder.
50109 all the rest have peanut butter
50110 except my father who wears red suspenders.
50112 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
50115 Then they stand still.
50118 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
50119 Everye nighte and alle,
50120 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
50121 And Christe receive thy saule.
50122 -- The Lykewake Dirge
50124 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
50125 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
50126 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
50127 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
50128 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
50129 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
50130 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
50131 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
50132 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
50133 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
50134 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
50135 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
50137 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
50138 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
50139 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
50141 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
50143 This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
50144 intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
50145 are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
50146 transmission, please delete it immediately.
50148 Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
50149 there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
50150 have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
50151 Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
50152 legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
50154 This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
50155 bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
50157 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
50159 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
50161 This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
50163 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
50164 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
50165 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
50166 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
50167 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
50169 This fortune intentionally not included.
50171 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
50173 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
50174 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
50176 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
50178 This fortune is false.
50180 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
50182 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
50184 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
50186 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
50188 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
50189 We have emotional moving vans.
50192 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
50193 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
50194 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
50195 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
50196 of the house by dinner!"
50198 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
50199 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
50201 This is a good time to punt work.
50203 This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
50207 This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
50208 actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
50210 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
50211 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
50213 This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
50214 because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
50215 which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
50216 "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
50217 consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
50218 rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
50219 oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
50220 Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
50221 over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
50222 innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
50223 passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
50224 amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
50225 apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
50226 and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
50227 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
50229 This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
50231 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
50232 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
50233 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
50235 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
50236 and not enough hunchbacks.
50238 This is for all ill-treated fellows
50239 Unborn and unbegot,
50240 For them to read when they're in trouble
50244 This is Jim Rockford.
50245 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
50247 This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
50249 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
50251 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
50252 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
50253 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
50255 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
50256 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
50258 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
50260 This is NOT a repeat.
50262 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
50263 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
50264 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
50265 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
50267 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
50269 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
50270 contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
50271 without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
50272 contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
50273 can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
50274 for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
50275 difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
50276 and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
50277 "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
50278 you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
50279 Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
50280 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
50281 Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
50282 more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
50284 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
50285 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
50287 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
50288 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
50289 and come alone. I'm serious!
50291 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
50292 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
50293 -- Arthur C. Clarke
50295 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
50296 power of computers:
50298 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
50299 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
50300 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
50301 one should eat each day:
50305 1 glass of skim milk
50306 27 heads of lettuce.
50307 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
50309 This is the _
\bL_
\bA_
\bS_
\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
50311 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
50312 -- Winston Churchill
50314 This is the story of the bee
50315 Whose sex is very hard to see
50317 You cannot tell the he from the she
50318 But she can tell, and so can he
50320 The little bee is never still
50321 She has no time to take the pill
50323 And that is why, in times like these
50324 There are so many sons of bees.
50326 This is the theory that Jack built.
50327 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
50328 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
50330 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
50331 And now you know why.
50333 This is the way the world ends,
50334 This is the way the world ends,
50335 This is the way the world ends,
50336 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
50337 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
50339 This is your fortune.
50341 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
50342 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
50344 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
50345 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
50346 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
50347 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
50349 This land is full of trousers!
50350 this land is full of mausers!
50351 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
50352 -- The Firesign Theatre
50354 This land is made of mountains,
50355 This land is made of mud,
50356 This land has lots of everything,
50357 For me and Elmer Fudd.
50359 This land has lots of trousers,
50360 This land has lots of mousers,
50361 And pussycats to eat them
50362 When the sun goes down.
50364 This land is my land, and only my land,
50365 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
50366 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
50367 This land is private property.
50368 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
50370 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
50371 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
50372 to what to do and where to go.
50374 This life is yours. Some of it was given
50375 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
50377 This login session: $13.99
50379 This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
50381 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
50383 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
50384 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
50386 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
50390 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
50391 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
50392 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
50393 don't actually hurt.
50394 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
50395 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
50396 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
50397 man enough to take me on?"
50398 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
50399 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
50400 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
50401 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
50402 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
50403 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
50404 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
50405 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
50406 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
50407 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
50408 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
50409 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
50411 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
50412 got to find a way off this planet.
50414 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
50415 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
50416 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
50417 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
50418 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
50419 paper that were unhappy.
50420 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
50422 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
50423 something child-like.
50424 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
50426 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
50427 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
50428 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
50429 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
50430 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
50431 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
50432 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
50433 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
50434 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
50435 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
50436 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
50437 offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
50438 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
50439 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
50440 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
50441 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
50442 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
50443 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
50444 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
50445 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
50446 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
50447 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
50449 This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
50450 student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
50452 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
50453 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
50454 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
50455 which identifies errors in the original program.
50457 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
50458 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
50459 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
50460 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
50463 This screen intentionally left blank.
50465 This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
50466 -- Douglas Hofstadter
50468 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
50470 This sentence no verb.
50472 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
50474 This thing all things devours:
50475 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
50476 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
50477 Grinds hard stones to meal;
50478 Slays king, ruins town,
50479 And beats high mountain down.
50481 This unit... must... survive.
50483 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
50484 contents may have occurred during shipment.
50486 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
50487 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
50488 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
50489 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
50491 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
50492 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
50494 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
50495 This was terrible with raisins in it.
50498 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
50500 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
50502 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
50503 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
50504 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
50505 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
50506 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
50507 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
50508 and was lying about twenty feet away.
50509 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
50510 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
50512 Those lovable Brits department:
50513 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
50515 Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
50518 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
50520 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
50521 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
50522 at are called software.
50523 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
50524 Literacy for the 1990's.
50526 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
50527 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
50530 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
50534 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
50536 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
50537 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
50539 Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
50542 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
50543 -- George Santayana
50545 Those who can't write, write manuals.
50547 Those who claim the dead never return
50548 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
50550 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
50553 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
50556 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
50557 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
50560 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
50561 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
50564 Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
50565 surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
50568 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
50569 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
50570 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
50572 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
50573 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
50576 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
50578 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
50579 will make violent revolution inevitable.
50582 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
50583 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
50584 without the roar of its many waters.
50585 -- Frederick Douglass
50587 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
50588 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
50589 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
50590 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
50591 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
50593 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
50594 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
50595 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
50596 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
50597 The highest rung. In his bung.
50599 Because in life they prayed so ill
50600 And offered god such swinish swill
50601 Now they sweat in flames of hell
50602 Sweat from lack of APL
50605 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
50607 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
50608 -- Miguel de Cervantes
50610 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
50612 -- The Tao of Programming
50614 Though I respect that a lot
50615 I'd be fired if that were my job
50616 After killing Jason off and
50617 Countless screaming argonauts
50619 Bluebird of friendliness
50620 Like guardian angels it's
50623 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
50624 Who watches over you
50625 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
50626 Not to put too fine a point on it
50627 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
50628 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
50630 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
50632 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
50634 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
50635 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
50636 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
50637 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
50638 fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
50639 more about the matter than the others.
50640 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
50642 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
50645 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
50646 -- Benjamin Franklin
50648 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
50649 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
50650 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
50652 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
50653 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
50654 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
50655 service station," said the Missourian.
50657 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
50658 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
50659 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
50661 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
50662 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
50665 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
50666 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
50667 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
50669 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
50670 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
50671 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
50672 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
50673 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
50674 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
50675 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
50676 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
50677 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
50679 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
50680 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
50681 2. Always point out second-order effects,
50682 but never point out when they can be ignored.
50683 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
50685 Throw away documentation and manuals,
50686 and users will be a hundred times happier.
50687 Throw away privileges and quotas,
50688 and users will do the Right Thing.
50689 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
50690 and there won't be any pirating.
50692 If these three aren't enough,
50693 just stay at your home directory
50694 and let all processes take their course.
50696 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
50697 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
50698 -- Bertrand Russell
50700 Thus spake the master programmer:
50701 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
50703 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50705 Thus spake the master programmer:
50706 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
50707 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50709 Thus spake the master programmer:
50710 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
50712 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50714 Thus spake the master programmer:
50715 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
50717 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50719 Thus spake the master programmer:
50720 "Time for you to leave."
50721 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50723 Thus spake the master programmer:
50724 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
50725 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50727 Thus spake the master programmer:
50728 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
50729 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
50730 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50732 Thus spake the master programmer:
50733 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
50734 hardware is useless."
50735 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50737 Thus spake the master programmer:
50738 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
50739 can't make him computer literate."
50740 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
50743 Everything goes wrong at once.
50745 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
50746 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
50747 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
50748 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
50750 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
50751 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
50752 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
50753 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
50755 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
50756 And racing around to come up behind you again
50757 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
50758 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
50760 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
50762 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
50763 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
50764 Or half a page of scribbled lines
50765 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
50769 Quite unaccountably
50779 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
50781 Tiger got to sleep,
50783 Man got to tell himself he understand.
50784 -- The Books of Bokonon
50786 Time and tide wait for no man.
50788 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
50791 Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
50793 Time goes, you say?
50795 Time stays, *we* go.
50798 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
50801 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
50802 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
50804 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
50806 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
50807 -- Henry David Thoreau
50809 Time is nature's way of making sure that
50810 everything doesn't happen at once.
50812 Space is nature's way of making sure that
50813 everything doesn't happen to you.
50815 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
50818 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
50820 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
50822 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
50824 Time to take stock.
50825 Go home with some office supplies.
50828 Love's wounds unseen.
50829 That's what someone told me;
50830 But I don't know what it means.
50831 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
50833 Time will end all my troubles,
50834 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
50836 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
50837 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
50840 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
50842 Timing must be perfect now.
50843 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
50846 Never fry bacon in the nude.
50848 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
50851 Tip the world over on its side and
50852 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
50853 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
50855 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
50856 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
50857 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
50858 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
50859 they would ordinarily.
50860 There is no music in space.
50861 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
50862 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
50864 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
50865 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
50866 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
50867 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
50868 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
50869 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
50870 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
50871 never been easier."
50872 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
50873 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
50874 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
50875 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
50876 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
50877 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
50878 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
50879 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
50880 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
50881 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
50882 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
50883 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
50885 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
50887 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
50890 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
50891 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
50892 stopping at red lights are both optional.
50893 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
50895 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
50896 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
50897 to spend a few days there.
50898 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
50900 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
50901 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
50902 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
50904 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
50905 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
50906 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
50907 Swedes speak better English.
50908 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
50910 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
50911 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
50913 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
50915 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
50916 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
50917 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
50920 To add insult to injury.
50923 To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
50924 to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
50925 servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
50926 -- Theodore Roosevelt
50928 To any truly impartial person, it would
50929 be obvious that I am always right.
50931 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
50934 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
50937 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
50938 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
50941 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
50942 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
50944 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
50945 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
50948 To be great is to be misunderstood.
50949 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
50951 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
50952 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
50953 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
50954 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
50955 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
50956 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
50957 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
50958 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
50960 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
50962 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
50964 To be is to be related.
50972 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
50978 To be loved is very demoralizing.
50979 -- Katharine Hepburn
50981 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
50982 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
50983 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
50984 -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany"
50986 To be or not to be.
50995 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
50997 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
50998 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
51001 To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
51002 this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
51003 offer in response is based on information available to make no such
51006 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
51009 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
51010 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
51012 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
51013 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
51015 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
51017 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
51019 To be wise, the only thing you really need
51020 to know is when to say "I don't know."
51022 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
51023 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
51024 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
51026 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
51027 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
51028 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
51029 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
51030 To write those routines
51031 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
51032 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
51033 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
51034 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
51035 To this glorious quest,
51036 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
51037 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
51039 Still strove with his last allocation
51040 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
51041 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
51043 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
51046 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
51047 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
51048 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
51050 To craunch a marmoset.
51051 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
51053 To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
51054 more important than the ability to say yes.
51057 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
51058 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
51060 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
51061 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
51063 To do nothing is to be nothing.
51065 To do two things at once is to do neither.
51068 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
51069 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
51072 To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
51073 of four kids and one bathroom.
51076 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
51079 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
51081 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
51083 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
51085 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
51086 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
51088 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
51090 To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
51092 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
51094 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
51095 -- MIT Assassination Club
51097 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
51098 -- Benjamin Franklin
51100 To err is human, two curs canine.
51101 To err is human, to moo bovine.
51104 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
51112 To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
51115 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
51116 A time to be born, and a time to die;
51117 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
51118 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
51119 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
51120 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
51121 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
51122 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
51123 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
51124 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
51125 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
51126 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
51127 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
51128 A time to love, and a time to hate;
51129 A time of war, and a time of peace.
51132 To fear love is to fear life, and those
51133 who fear life are already three parts dead.
51134 -- Bertrand Russell
51136 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
51139 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
51140 -- Benjamin Franklin
51142 To generalize is to be an idiot.
51145 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
51147 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
51148 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
51150 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
51151 persons, two of them absent.
51153 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
51155 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
51157 To have died once is enough.
51158 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51160 To hell with the Prime Directive;
51161 Let's _
\bK_
\bI_
\bL_
\bL something!
51163 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
51166 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
51169 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
51170 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
51172 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
51173 to kill them, treat them often.
51175 To know Edina is to reject it.
51176 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
51178 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
51180 To lead people, you must follow behind.
51183 To listen to some devout people,
51184 one would imagine that God never laughs.
51187 To love is good, love being difficult.
51189 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
51191 To make tax forms true they should
51192 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
51194 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
51197 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
51198 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
51199 circus and a clown killed my dad.
51200 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
51202 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
51204 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
51206 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
51207 -- 19th century toast
51209 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
51211 To restore a sense of reality, I think
51212 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
51215 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
51217 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
51218 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
51219 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
51220 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
51222 To say you got a vote of confidence
51223 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
51226 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
51228 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
51229 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
51230 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
51231 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
51232 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
51233 tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
51234 mind over matter; quite.
51235 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
51237 To see you is to sympathize.
51239 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
51240 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
51242 To stand and be still,
51243 At the Birkenhead drill,
51244 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
51247 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
51248 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
51249 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
51251 To stay youthful, stay useful.
51253 To teach is to learn.
51255 To teach is to learn twice.
51258 To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
51260 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
51262 To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
51265 To Theodore Roosevelt:
51266 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
51267 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
51268 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
51269 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
51270 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
51272 Sultan to the Berbers
51273 Last of the Barbary Pirates
51275 To thine own self be true.
51276 (If not that, at least make some money.)
51278 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
51282 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
51283 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
51284 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
51285 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
51286 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
51287 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
51288 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
51289 secure ecological niche.
51290 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
51292 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
51294 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
51295 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
51296 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
51297 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
51298 to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
51299 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
51300 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
51301 receiving said benefit.
51302 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
51303 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
51304 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
51305 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
51307 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
51309 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
51311 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
51312 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
51314 To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
51315 telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
51316 computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
51317 in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
51318 lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
51320 Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
51321 suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
51322 computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
51323 one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
51324 break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
51325 incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
51326 an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
51327 pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
51328 loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
51329 and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
51330 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
51333 To use violence is to already be defeated.
51336 To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
51338 To whom the mornings are like nights,
51339 What must the midnights be!
51340 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
51342 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
51343 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
51344 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
51345 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
51346 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
51347 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
51348 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
51349 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
51350 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
51351 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
51352 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
51353 and choose more docile words to take its part.
51354 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
51355 by making love directly to the brain.
51357 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
51360 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
51361 That from the devil does proceed;
51362 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
51363 And makes a chimney of your nose.
51367 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
51369 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
51370 Read someone else's mail file.
51372 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
51374 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
51376 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
51378 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
51380 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
51382 Today is the last day of your life so far.
51384 Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
51386 Today is what happened to yesterday.
51388 Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
51389 except in major motion pictures.
51390 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
51392 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
51393 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
51396 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
51398 Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
51400 And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
51401 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
51403 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
51404 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
51405 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
51408 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
51409 -- Hunter S. Thompson
51411 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
51414 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
51415 creating endless annoyance to male users.
51416 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
51418 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
51421 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
51422 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
51424 Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
51426 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
51428 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
51431 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
51433 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
51434 Don't forget to leave a tip.
51436 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
51438 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
51439 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
51441 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
51442 driving cabs and cutting hair.
51445 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
51446 real fast and freak everybody out.
51447 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
51449 Too clever is dumb.
51452 Too cool to calypso,
51453 Too tough to tango,
51454 Too weird to watusi
51458 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
51459 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
51460 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
51461 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
51462 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
51464 Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
51467 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
51468 They seem more afraid of life than death.
51471 Too much is just enough.
51472 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
51474 Too much is not enough.
51476 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
51479 Too much of everything is just enough.
51482 Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
51484 -- Governor Jerry Brown
51486 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
51487 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
51488 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
51490 [Once is too often. Ed.]
51492 Too ripped. Gotta go.
51494 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
51496 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
51498 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
51499 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
51500 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
51501 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
51502 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
51503 assurance people in its wake.
51504 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
51505 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
51506 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
51507 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
51508 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
51509 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
51510 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
51512 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
51513 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
51515 Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
51516 earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
51517 As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
51522 Follow these simple suggestions:
51524 (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
51525 (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
51526 (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
51528 (4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
51529 (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
51531 (6) Stop flipping pancakes
51533 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
51535 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
51536 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
51537 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
51539 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
51541 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
51542 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
51543 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
51544 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
51545 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
51546 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
51548 Topologists are just plane folks.
51549 Pilots are just plane folks.
51550 Carpenters are just plane folks.
51551 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
51552 Musicians are just playin' folks.
51553 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
51554 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
51558 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
51560 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
51561 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
51563 Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
51564 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
51566 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
51567 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
51570 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
51571 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
51574 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
51577 TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
51580 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
51583 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
51584 "It's there, but you can't see it"
51585 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
51588 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
51589 "I can see it, but it's not there."
51593 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
51595 Trap full -- please empty.
51598 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
51600 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
51602 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
51605 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
51606 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
51607 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
51608 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
51609 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
51610 for a short spell?"
51612 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
51615 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
51616 -- Charles DeGaulle
51618 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
51621 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
51623 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
51625 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
51626 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
51627 a brand new series of three.
51629 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
51630 in eucalyptus trees.
51632 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
51634 True happiness will be found only in true love.
51636 True leadership is the art of changing
51637 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
51640 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
51641 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
51644 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
51647 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
51648 -- Norman Augustine
51650 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
51651 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
51653 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
51657 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
51660 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
51662 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
51663 and get as much as you can in your own name.
51666 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
51668 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
51669 -- Albert Schweitzer
51671 Truth is free, but information costs.
51673 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
51675 Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
51677 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
51680 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
51681 of him that brought her birth.
51684 Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
51687 Dumb and illiterate.
51688 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
51692 Try not to have a good time ...
51693 This is supposed to be educational.
51701 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
51703 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
51705 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
51707 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
51709 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
51710 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
51711 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
51712 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
51713 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
51716 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
51718 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
51720 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
51721 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
51723 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
51725 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
51726 specification is that it should run noiselessly.
51728 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
51731 Trying to establish voice contact ... please _
\by_
\be_
\bl_
\bl into keyboard.
51733 Trying to get an education here is like
51734 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
51737 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
51739 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
51741 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
51743 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
51746 Turn the other cheek.
51750 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
51754 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
51756 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
51757 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
51759 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
51760 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
51763 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
51764 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
51765 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
51766 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
51767 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
51768 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
51769 Long time the folsom foe he sought
51770 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
51771 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
51772 Came whippany through the englewood,
51773 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
51775 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
51776 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
51777 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
51778 He caldwell in his joy.
51779 Did mahwah into patterson:
51780 All jersey were the ocean groves,
51781 And the red bank bayonne.
51784 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
51785 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
51786 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
51787 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
51788 Beware the Jubjub bird,
51789 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
51790 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
51791 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
51792 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
51793 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
51794 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
51796 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
51797 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
51798 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
51799 He chortled in his joy.
51800 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
51801 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
51802 All mimsy were the borogroves
51803 And the mome raths outgrabe.
51804 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
51806 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
51807 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
51808 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
51809 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
51810 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
51811 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
51812 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
51813 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
51814 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
51815 Came waffling with the truth too good,
51816 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
51818 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
51819 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
51820 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
51821 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
51822 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
51823 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
51824 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
51825 And mammon's wrath them bash!
51826 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
51828 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
51829 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
51830 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
51831 And Cory raths outgrabe.
51833 "Beware the software rot, my son!
51834 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
51835 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
51836 The frumious system crash!"
51838 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
51839 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
51840 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
51841 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
51843 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
51844 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
51845 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
51846 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
51848 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
51849 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
51850 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
51851 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
51852 -- Midnight On The Ocean
51854 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
51855 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
51856 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
51857 A satellite spotted him making his way.
51858 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
51859 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
51860 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
51861 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
51862 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
51863 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
51864 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
51865 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
51866 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
51867 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
51868 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
51869 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
51870 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
51871 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
51872 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
51873 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
51874 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
51875 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
51876 So after a trillion or two had been spent
51877 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
51878 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
51879 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
51881 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
51882 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
51883 throughout our place of residence,
51884 Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
51885 possessors of this potential, including that
51886 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
51887 Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
51888 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
51889 Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
51890 imminent visitation from an eccentric
51891 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
51892 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
51894 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
51897 Twenty two thousand days.
51898 Twenty two thousand days.
51900 It's all you've got.
51901 Twenty two thousand days.
51902 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
51904 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
51905 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
51906 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
51907 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
51908 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
51909 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
51910 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
51911 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
51912 collision course with that ship.
51913 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
51914 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
51915 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
51916 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
51918 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
51919 course 20 degrees."
51920 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
51921 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
51922 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
51924 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
51926 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
51929 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
51931 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
51932 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
51933 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
51934 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
51935 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
51936 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
51937 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
51940 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
51941 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
51942 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
51943 knows when to stop."
51945 Two heads are better than one.
51948 Two heads are more numerous than one.
51950 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
51951 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
51952 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
51953 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
51954 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
51955 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
51956 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
51957 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
51958 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
51959 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
51960 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
51962 Two is company, three is an orgy.
51964 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
51966 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
51967 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
51968 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
51969 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
51970 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
51971 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
51972 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
51974 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
51975 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
51976 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
51977 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
51979 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
51980 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
51981 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
51982 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
51983 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
51984 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
51985 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
51986 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
51988 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
51990 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
51991 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
51992 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
51993 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
51994 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
51996 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
51997 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
51999 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
52001 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
52003 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
52005 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
52006 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
52007 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
52009 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
52010 I forget the second.
52012 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
52013 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
52014 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
52015 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
52016 toasts him, "Skoal!"
52017 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
52018 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
52020 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
52023 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
52026 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
52028 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
52029 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
52030 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
52031 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
52033 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
52034 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
52035 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
52036 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
52038 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
52039 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
52040 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
52041 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
52043 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
52044 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
52045 In the well of sanguine woe?
52046 In what clay & in what mould
52047 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
52048 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
52050 Type louder, please.
52052 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
52053 Run right up and rub its horn.
52054 Look at all those points you're losing!
52055 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
52056 -- The Roguelet's ABC
52058 Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
52059 (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
52060 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
52062 Udall's Fourth Law:
52063 Any change or reform you make
52064 is going to have consequences you don't like.
52066 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
52068 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
52069 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
52070 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
52071 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
52073 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
52074 Sorry for the confusion.
52075 -- Sun Microsystems
52077 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
52078 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
52079 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
52080 coughing and drops dead.
52081 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52083 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
52084 Never use your thumb for a rule.
52085 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
52087 Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
52088 just man is also in prison.
52089 -- Henry David Thoreau
52091 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
52092 ordinance under which you can be booked.
52093 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
52095 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
52096 If you want something, it can wait.
52097 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
52099 Under every stone lurks a politician.
52102 Under the wide and heavy VAX
52103 Dig my grave and let me relax
52104 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
52105 And I lay me down with a will.
52106 These be the words that tell the way:
52107 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
52108 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
52109 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
52111 Under the wide and starry sky,
52112 Dig my grave and let me lie,
52113 Glad did I live and gladly die,
52114 And laid me down with a will,
52115 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
52116 Here he lies where he longed to be,
52117 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
52118 And the hunter home from the hill.
52121 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
52122 Superiority is recessive.
52125 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
52126 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
52127 basis of your own internal model instead.
52129 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
52130 in relation to a bigger problem.
52133 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
52134 Selling cheaper than we do.
52136 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
52137 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
52138 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
52139 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
52143 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
52145 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
52146 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
52147 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
52148 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
52149 low over the world.
52155 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
52156 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
52159 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
52160 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
52161 you how to fix it, and...
52163 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
52164 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
52166 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
52169 UNIX enhancements aren't.
52171 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
52172 of more feet, just to be sure.
52176 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
52178 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
52179 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
52180 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
52181 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
52182 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
52184 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
52186 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
52189 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
52190 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
52191 -- Michael Jay Tucker
52193 UNIX is many things to many people,
52194 but it's never been everything to anybody.
52196 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
52200 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
52201 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
52202 with the workstation harem.
52204 unix soit qui mal y pense
52206 UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
52207 Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
52208 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
52210 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
52211 would also stop you from doing clever things.
52214 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
52216 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
52217 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
52218 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
52219 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
52221 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
52222 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
52223 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
52224 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
52226 -- William Shakespeare
52228 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
52232 If it happens, it must be possible.
52234 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
52235 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
52238 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
52239 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
52242 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
52246 What you left out on April 15th.
52248 Up against the net, redneck mother,
52249 Mother who has raised your son so well;
52250 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
52251 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
52253 Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
52255 Use a pun, go to jail.
52257 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
52258 -- KFOG, San Francisco
52260 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
52261 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
52264 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
52265 more labor and less oratory.
52271 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
52274 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
52275 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
52277 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
52278 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
52280 Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
52281 an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
52282 living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
52283 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
52285 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
52288 Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
52289 text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
52290 goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
52291 didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
52293 I always hated those adventure games.
52296 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
52301 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
52302 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
52304 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
52305 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
52309 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
52310 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
52311 life-style to recuperate.
52313 Vail's Second Axiom:
52314 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
52315 amount of work already completed.
52317 Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
52318 Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
52322 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
52325 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
52328 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
52331 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
52332 very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
52333 extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
52334 "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
52335 and sour won ton soup.
52337 Variables don't; constants aren't.
52341 Vegetables are what food eats.
52342 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
52343 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
52344 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
52345 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
52347 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
52349 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
52350 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
52351 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
52354 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
52356 Verba volant, scripta manent!
52358 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
52361 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
52362 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
52366 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
52368 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
52369 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
52370 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
52371 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
52372 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
52373 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
52374 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
52375 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
52376 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
52377 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
52378 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
52379 is presumably working on it.
52381 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
52382 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
52385 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
52388 A hungry dog hunts best.
52389 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
52391 Decreased business base increases overhead.
52392 So does increased business base.
52394 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
52395 is fifth grade arithmetic.
52397 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
52398 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
52400 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
52401 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
52402 -- Norman Augustine
52404 Victory uber allies!
52407 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
52408 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
52409 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
52410 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
52411 in the 9th century.
52413 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
52414 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
52417 Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
52418 Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
52419 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
52422 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
52423 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
52425 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
52426 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
52427 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
52428 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
52430 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
52432 Violence is molding.
52434 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
52437 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
52438 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
52439 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
52440 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
52441 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
52442 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
52446 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
52447 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
52449 Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
52452 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
52453 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
52454 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
52455 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
52457 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
52458 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
52459 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
52460 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
52461 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
52462 that old underwear you own.
52464 "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
52466 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
52467 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
52470 Virtue is its own punishment.
52473 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
52476 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
52477 He who practices it will have neighbors.
52480 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
52481 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
52483 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
52485 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
52487 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
52488 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
52490 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
52491 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
52493 Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
52495 VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
52498 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
52500 VMS version 2.0 ==>
52502 Voiceless it cries,
52509 A mountain with hiccups.
52511 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
52512 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
52513 And to him who's scientific
52514 There is nothing that's terrific
52515 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
52516 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
52519 It is better to have lobbed and lost
52520 than never to have lobbed at all.
52522 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
52523 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
52524 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
52525 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
52526 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
52527 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
52531 Vote early and vote often.
52532 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
52533 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
52535 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
52539 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
52541 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
52544 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
52547 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
52548 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
52549 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
52550 (Waiter exits, returns)
52551 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
52553 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
52554 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
52555 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
52556 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
52558 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
52559 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
52560 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
52561 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
52563 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
52564 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
52565 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
52566 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
52567 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
52569 Wake up and smell the coffee.
52572 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
52573 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
52575 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
52576 -- Theodore Roosevelt
52578 Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
52580 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
52583 Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
52584 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
52585 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
52587 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
52588 Garp: Gradual school?
52589 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
52591 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
52592 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
52593 -- The World According To Garp
52596 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
52597 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
52598 on a plane that left Gate 1.
52602 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
52603 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
52604 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
52605 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
52606 black gold; "Texas tea" ...
52608 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
52609 The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
52610 They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
52611 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
52612 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
52614 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
52616 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
52617 -- Charles Edward Montague
52619 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
52621 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
52622 -- Desiderius Erasmus
52624 War is like love, it always finds a way.
52625 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
52627 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
52630 War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
52632 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
52636 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
52637 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
52638 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
52639 of your favorite war.
52642 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
52643 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
52644 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
52645 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
52646 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
52647 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
52648 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
52649 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
52650 things to the terminal.
52652 Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
52654 Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
52655 those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
52657 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
52659 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
52660 Survivors will be shot again.
52663 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
52665 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
52666 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
52667 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
52668 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
52669 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
52670 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
52671 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
52673 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
52675 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
52677 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
52678 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
52679 There was a time they could cry over books,
52680 But time has set its maggot on their track.
52681 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
52682 What's never known is safest in this life.
52683 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
52684 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
52685 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
52686 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
52688 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
52690 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
52693 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
52694 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
52695 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
52697 Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
52699 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
52700 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
52702 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
52705 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
52707 Wasting time is an important part of living.
52709 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
52711 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
52714 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
52718 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
52721 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
52722 number and significance of any persons watching it.
52725 The single most important word in the world.
52727 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
52728 when it's necessary to compromise.
52731 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
52732 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
52735 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
52737 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
52739 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
52741 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
52742 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
52744 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
52745 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
52747 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
52748 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
52749 is that it is not crazy enough.
52752 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
52753 before we are fit to participate in society.
52754 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
52757 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
52759 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
52762 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
52764 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
52767 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
52768 -- Albert Schweitzer
52770 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
52771 -- Winston Churchill
52773 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
52776 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
52777 -- Whole Earth Catalog
52779 We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
52780 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
52782 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
52783 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
52785 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
52787 -- Patrick Moynihan
52789 We are each only one drop in a great
52790 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
52792 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
52794 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
52795 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
52798 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
52799 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
52800 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
52803 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
52804 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
52806 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
52807 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
52809 We are not a clone.
52811 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
52816 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
52817 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
52820 We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
52822 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
52824 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
52825 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
52829 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
52831 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
52834 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
52835 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
52837 This is a recording.
52839 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
52840 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
52841 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
52842 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
52843 the substance that cast them.
52845 We are the people our parents warned us about.
52847 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
52848 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
52849 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
52851 We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
52852 The order is not insignificant.
52853 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
52855 We are what we are.
52857 We are what we pretend to be.
52858 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
52860 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
52862 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
52865 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
52866 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
52867 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
52869 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
52870 -- Sir Francis Bacon
52872 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
52875 We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
52876 deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
52877 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
52879 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
52880 -- Richard M. Nixon
52882 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
52883 feet and go skating.
52884 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
52886 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
52887 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
52888 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
52889 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
52890 beautiful Universe, Our home.
52891 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
52893 We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
52896 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
52897 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
52899 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
52901 We don't care how they do it in New York.
52903 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
52904 -- James Watt, noted theologian
52906 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
52908 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
52910 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
52911 that it wasn't a fish.
52912 -- Marshall McLuhan
52914 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
52915 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
52917 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
52920 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
52921 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
52922 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
52923 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
52925 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
52927 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
52928 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
52929 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
52930 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
52932 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
52934 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
52936 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
52939 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
52940 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
52942 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
52943 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
52944 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
52948 We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
52949 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
52951 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
52952 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
52954 We gotta get out of this place,
52955 If it's the last thing we ever do.
52958 We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
52959 hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
52960 mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
52961 our grave singing Hallelujah ...
52964 We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
52966 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
52967 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
52969 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
52971 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
52972 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
52973 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
52974 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
52975 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
52976 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
52977 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
52978 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
52979 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
52981 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
52984 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
52987 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
52988 than from the machinations of the wicked.
52990 We have no scorched earth policy.
52991 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
52992 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
52994 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
52997 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
53000 We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
53001 back to normal, and that they already have.
53003 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
53006 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
53008 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
53009 official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
53010 Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
53011 you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
53012 said "ELECTROCUTION".
53014 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
53015 teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
53016 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
53017 couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
53018 out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
53019 stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
53020 floor, which is how the police would find you.
53022 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
53023 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
53025 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
53027 We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
53028 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
53030 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
53031 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
53032 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
53033 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
53034 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
53035 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
53036 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
53037 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
53038 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
53039 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
53040 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
53041 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
53042 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
53043 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
53044 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
53045 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
53047 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
53048 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
53049 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
53050 to crave knowledge.
53053 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
53054 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
53055 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
53056 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
53057 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
53058 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
53059 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
53060 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
53061 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
53062 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
53063 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
53064 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
53066 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
53069 We love our little Johnny
53070 He's the best little boy in all the world
53071 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
53072 That's how much we love him.
53073 No, we couldn't live without him
53074 So that's why, since he died,
53075 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
53076 He's so good, so well-behaved,
53077 Even better than before;
53078 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
53079 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
53080 Never miss our little Johnny,
53081 He'll never grow up and leave us
53082 That's why we love him like we do.
53085 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
53086 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
53087 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
53088 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
53091 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
53095 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
53096 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
53097 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
53098 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
53099 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
53103 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
53104 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
53105 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
53106 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
53107 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
53108 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
53109 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
53110 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
53111 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
53112 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
53113 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
53114 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
53116 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
53118 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
53119 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
53120 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
53121 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
53122 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
53123 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
53125 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
53126 but we always respect their good judgment.
53128 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
53129 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
53130 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
53131 brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
53132 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
53133 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
53134 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
53135 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
53136 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
53138 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
53139 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
53142 We must die because we have known them.
53143 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
53145 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
53146 condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
53147 the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
53148 chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
53150 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
53151 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
53152 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
53153 "Stalin," published London, 1939
53155 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
53156 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
53157 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
53159 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
53161 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
53162 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
53163 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
53166 We must remember the First Amendment which
53167 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
53168 -- F. G. Withington
53170 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
53171 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
53173 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
53175 We only acknowledge small faults in order
53176 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
53177 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
53179 We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
53180 people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
53181 For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
53182 to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
53183 fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
53184 primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
53185 ugly paneling is to begin with.
53186 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
53188 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
53189 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
53190 forgotten its source.
53191 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
53193 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
53194 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
53196 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
53198 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
53199 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
53200 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
53202 We read to say that we have read.
53204 We really don't have any enemies.
53205 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
53207 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
53210 We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
53211 Only non-sense attains perfection.
53212 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
53214 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
53215 -- Jean de la Bruyere
53217 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
53218 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
53219 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
53220 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
53223 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
53224 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
53228 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
53229 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
53233 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
53234 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
53237 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
53240 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
53241 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
53242 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
53243 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
53244 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
53245 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
53246 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
53247 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
53248 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
53249 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
53251 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
53252 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
53253 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
53255 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
53256 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
53257 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
53258 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
53261 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53262 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53263 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53264 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53267 ------------------- -------------------------
53268 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
53269 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
53270 Moody Manic-depressive
53271 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
53272 Poet Boring manic-depressive
53273 Sultry/Sensual Easy
53274 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
53275 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
53276 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
53277 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
53278 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
53279 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
53281 Aging child Self-centered adult
53282 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
53283 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
53285 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
53286 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
53287 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
53288 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
53291 ------------------- -------------------------
53292 Independent thinker Crazy
53293 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
53294 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
53295 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
53296 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
53298 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
53299 Big and beautiful Really Fat
53300 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
53301 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
53303 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
53304 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
53305 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
53306 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
53308 We totally deny the allegations, and
53309 we're trying to identify the allegators.
53311 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
53312 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
53313 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
53314 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
53316 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
53319 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
53320 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
53321 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
53323 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
53324 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
53325 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
53326 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
53327 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
53328 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
53329 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
53330 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
53333 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
53334 were married for four and a half years.
53337 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
53339 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
53340 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
53343 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
53344 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
53345 French restaurant. [...]
53346 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
53347 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
53348 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
53349 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
53350 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
53351 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
53352 "Stop the car," the girl said.
53353 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
53354 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
53355 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
53356 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
53358 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
53359 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
53360 onto my granola and faced a new day.
53361 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
53364 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
53365 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
53369 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
53370 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
53372 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
53373 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
53374 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
53375 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
53376 in the end a summer with wild winds &
53377 new friends will be.
53379 We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
53380 power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
53381 planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
53382 use of this material.
53383 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
53384 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
53385 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
53387 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53388 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53389 We wish you a Hare Krishna
53390 And a Sun Myung Moon!
53394 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
53396 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
53400 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
53401 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
53403 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
53405 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
53408 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
53409 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
53410 least interested and say nothing about the other.
53412 Weekend, where are you?
53415 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
53418 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
53419 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
53420 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
53421 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
53423 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
53424 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
53426 Weinberg's First Law:
53427 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
53429 Weinberg's Principle:
53430 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
53431 on to the grand fallacy.
53433 Weinberg's Second Law:
53434 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
53435 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
53438 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
53439 There are no answers, only cross references.
53441 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
53442 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
53445 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
53457 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
53458 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
53459 -- Garrison Keillor
53461 Welcome to the Zoo!
53463 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
53464 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
53465 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
53466 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
53467 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
53468 the reader! For example, the sentence
53470 Jane went to the store to buy bread
53472 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
53473 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
53474 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
53475 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
53476 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
53477 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
53478 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
53479 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
53482 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
53484 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
53485 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
53486 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
53487 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
53488 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
53489 *thousands* of words to say it.
53490 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
53491 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
53492 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
53493 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
53494 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
53496 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
53497 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
53498 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
53499 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
53501 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
53502 nature and will kill you.
53503 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
53506 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
53507 night. Live, on the Death label.
53508 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
53510 Well begun is half done.
53513 "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
53514 no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
53518 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
53520 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
53522 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
53523 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
53524 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
53525 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
53526 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
53527 per hour, December 7, 1941.
53529 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
53530 Might as well have put it down the drain.
53531 Fancy giving money to the Government!
53532 Nobody will see the stuff again.
53533 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
53534 Ten to one they'll start another war.
53535 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
53536 Fancy giving money to the Government!
53539 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
53541 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
53542 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
53545 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
53546 lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
53547 governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
53548 reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
53549 contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
53550 will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
53551 most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
53552 appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
53553 morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
53554 interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
53555 guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
53556 the entire show without answering a single question ...
53557 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
53559 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
53560 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
53561 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
53562 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
53563 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
53564 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
53565 When along came a senorita,
53566 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
53567 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
53568 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
53569 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
53570 Grow some funk of your own.
53571 We no like to with the gringo fight,
53572 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
53574 Take my advice, take the next flight,
53575 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
53576 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
53578 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
53579 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
53580 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
53581 couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
53582 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
53584 Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_
\bc_
\ba_
\bn*
53586 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
53588 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
53591 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
53593 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
53595 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
53597 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
53599 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
53600 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
53601 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
53603 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
53604 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
53605 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
53606 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
53607 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
53608 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
53610 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
53611 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
53612 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
53613 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
53614 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
53615 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
53616 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
53617 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
53618 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
53620 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
53621 From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
53622 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
53623 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
53625 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
53626 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
53627 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
53628 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
53630 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
53631 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
53632 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
53633 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
53635 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
53636 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
53637 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
53638 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
53639 -- Core Dumped Blues
53641 Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
53642 bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
53643 doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
53646 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
53648 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
53649 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
53650 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
53651 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
53653 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
53655 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
53658 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
53659 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
53662 Well, we'll really have a party,
53663 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
53664 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
53666 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
53667 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
53668 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
53669 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
53671 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
53672 And we're loved everywhere we go.
53673 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
53674 At ten thousand dollars a show.
53675 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
53676 But the thrill we've never known,
53677 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
53678 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
53680 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
53681 Who embroiders on my jeans.
53682 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
53683 Drivin' my limousine.
53684 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
53685 But our minds won't be really be blown;
53686 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
53687 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
53689 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
53690 Who'll do anything we say.
53691 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
53692 We got all the friends that money can buy,
53693 So we never have to be alone.
53694 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
53695 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
53696 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
53697 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
53699 Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
53700 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
53703 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
53724 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
53725 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
53726 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
53728 We're all in this alone.
53731 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
53732 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
53733 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
53734 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
53735 it's not going to do anything for you.
53736 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
53738 We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
53739 the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
53740 you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
53741 in his bowl full of jelly.
53742 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
53744 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
53745 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
53746 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
53747 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
53749 We're happy little Vegemites,
53750 As bright as bright can be.
53751 We all enjoy our Vegemite
53752 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
53754 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
53755 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
53756 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
53758 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
53760 We're Knights of the Round Table
53761 We dance whene'er we're able
53762 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
53763 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
53764 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
53765 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
53766 That are quite unsingable
53767 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
53768 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
53771 And impersonate Clark Gable
53772 It's a busy life in Camelot.
53773 I have to push the pram a lot.
53776 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
53779 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
53780 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
53781 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
53784 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
53785 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
53786 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
53787 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
53788 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
53789 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
53790 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
53791 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
53794 We're only in it for the volume.
53797 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
53800 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
53802 Westheimer's Discovery:
53803 A couple of months in the laboratory can
53804 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
53807 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
53809 We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
53810 of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
53811 but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
53814 We've tried each spinning space mote
53815 And reckoned its true worth:
53816 Take us back again to the homes of men
53817 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
53819 The arching sky is calling
53820 Spacemen back to their trade.
53821 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
53822 And the lights below us fade.
53823 Out ride the sons of Terra,
53824 Far drives the thundering jet,
53825 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
53826 Out, far, and onward yet--
53828 We pray for one last landing
53829 On the globe that gave us birth;
53830 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
53831 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
53832 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
53834 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
53839 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
53840 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
53841 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
53842 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
53844 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
53845 understand what a misfortune it is.
53846 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
53848 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
53849 -- WOP, "War Games"
53851 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
53854 What an artist dies with me!
53857 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
53861 What awful irony is this?
53862 We are as gods, but know it not.
53864 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
53866 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
53868 What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
53869 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
53870 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
53871 Can only be carried on one man's back.
53872 -- Louden Wainwright III
53874 What did you bring that book I didn't want
53875 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
53877 What did you do when the ship sank?
53878 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
53880 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
53881 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
53882 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
53883 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
53884 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
53885 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
53887 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
53890 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
53893 What does education often do?
53894 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
53895 -- Henry David Thoreau
53897 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
53899 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
53900 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
53901 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
53902 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
53903 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
53904 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
53905 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
53906 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
53907 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
53908 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
53909 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
53910 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
53911 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
53912 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
53913 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
53914 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
53916 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
53917 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
53919 What ever happened to happily ever after?
53921 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
53924 What foods these morsels be!
53926 What fools these morals be!
53928 What fools these mortals be.
53929 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
53931 What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
53933 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
53935 What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
53936 that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
53937 country. Nice try anyway, George.
53938 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
53940 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
53941 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
53943 What good is a ticket to the good life,
53944 if you can't find the entrance?
53946 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
53947 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
53949 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
53952 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
53953 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
53955 What happened last night can happen again.
53957 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
53958 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
53962 What happens to a dream deferred?
53964 Like a raisin in the sun?
53965 Or fester like a sore --
53967 Does it stink like rotten meat?
53968 Or crust and sugar over --
53969 Like a syrupy sweet?
53974 Or does it explode?
53977 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
53979 What has roots as nobody sees,
53980 Is taller than trees,
53982 And yet never grows?
53984 What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
53985 stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
53986 barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
53987 from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
53988 while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
53989 dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
53990 powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
53991 bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
53992 one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
53993 lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
53994 you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
53995 if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
53996 that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
53997 they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
53998 flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
53999 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
54001 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
54002 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
54003 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
54004 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54006 What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
54007 sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
54008 with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
54009 came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
54011 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54013 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
54015 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
54016 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
54017 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54019 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
54020 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
54021 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
54023 What if there had been room at the inn?
54024 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
54026 What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
54029 What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
54030 other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
54031 improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
54032 boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
54034 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
54035 2. We may not change our programming tools.
54036 3. We may not change our hardware.
54037 4. We may not change our tasks.
54038 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
54039 in which the work has to be done.
54041 Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
54042 improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
54044 Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
54046 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
54049 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
54053 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
54054 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
54056 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
54057 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
54058 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
54059 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
54060 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
54061 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
54062 all the weak: Christianity.
54063 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54065 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
54066 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
54068 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
54070 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
54072 -- Charles Baudelaire
54074 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
54077 What is mind? No matter.
54078 What is matter? Never mind.
54079 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
54081 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
54084 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
54087 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
54088 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
54091 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
54094 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
54097 Uh, that still ain't right...
54098 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
54099 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
54100 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
54102 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
54103 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
54104 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
54106 "What is the Nature of God?"
54108 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
54112 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
54114 "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
54117 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
54119 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
54120 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
54121 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
54122 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
54124 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
54125 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
54126 is the first law of nature.
54129 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
54130 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
54131 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
54132 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
54133 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
54134 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
54135 British civilian morale, 1939
54137 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
54138 which is the exact opposite.
54139 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
54141 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
54143 What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
54144 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
54146 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
54147 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
54150 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
54153 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
54154 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
54156 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
54157 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
54159 What makes you think graduate school
54160 is supposed to be satisfying?
54161 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
54163 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
54165 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
54166 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
54168 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
54169 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
54172 What on earth would a man do with himself
54173 if something did not stand in his way?
54176 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
54179 What one fool can do, another can.
54180 -- Ancient Simian proverb
54182 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
54184 What pains others pleasures me,
54185 At home am I in Lisp or C;
54186 There i couch in ecstasy,
54187 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
54188 Into kernel memory.
54189 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
54190 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
54192 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
54193 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
54195 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
54196 more than man's transparency.
54199 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
54200 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
54201 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
54202 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
54203 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
54204 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
54205 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
54208 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
54209 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
54210 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
54211 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
54212 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
54213 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
54214 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
54215 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
54216 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
54217 their grasp before they were five years old.
54218 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
54220 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
54221 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
54223 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
54226 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
54227 On FHA0, is sleeping?
54228 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
54229 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
54230 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54231 The file, the highseg of login.
54232 Why lies it here, on public disk
54233 And why is it now unprotected?
54234 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
54235 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
54236 Dump, dump it and type it out,
54237 The file, the highseg of login.
54240 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
54242 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
54245 What, still alive at twenty-two,
54246 A clean upstanding chap like you?
54247 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
54248 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
54249 Like enough, you won't be glad,
54250 When they come to hang you, lad:
54251 But bacon's not the only thing
54252 That's cured by hanging from a string.
54253 So, when the spilt ink of the night
54254 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
54255 Lads whose job is still to do
54256 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
54259 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
54260 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
54261 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54263 What the hell is it good for?
54264 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
54265 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
54266 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
54268 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
54270 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
54271 -- Nikita Khruschev
54273 What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
54278 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
54279 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
54280 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
54281 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
54282 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
54284 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
54285 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
54286 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
54287 a long way with his skills."
54288 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
54289 "You won't find many people like her."
54290 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
54291 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
54292 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
54293 felony in my presence.)
54298 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
54300 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
54301 "Her input was always critical."
54302 (She never had a good word to say.)
54303 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
54304 (And it's nonexistent.)
54305 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
54306 already has so many outstanding members."
54307 (Unless you already have a moron.)
54308 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
54309 one unbelievable result after another."
54310 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
54311 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
54312 (In fact, to life in general...)
54317 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
54318 (We certainly never succeeded.)
54319 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
54320 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
54321 "Success will never spoil him."
54322 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
54323 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
54324 (And such a sigh of relief.)
54325 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
54326 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
54327 (And his IQ, as well.)
54328 "He should go far."
54329 (The farther the better.)
54330 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
54331 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
54333 What they say: What they mean:
54335 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
54336 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
54337 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
54338 to unforeseen difficulties
54339 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
54340 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
54341 assured grateful for anything at all.
54342 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
54343 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
54344 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
54346 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
54347 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
54348 approach kicking it around.
54349 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
54351 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
54353 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
54355 What they say: What they mean:
54357 New Different colors from previous version.
54358 All New Not compatible with previous version.
54359 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
54360 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
54361 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
54362 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
54363 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
54364 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
54365 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
54366 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
54367 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
54368 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
54369 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
54370 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
54371 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
54372 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
54373 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
54374 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
54376 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
54378 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
54380 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
54382 What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
54384 What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
54387 I don't know, it keeps changing.
54389 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
54390 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
54391 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54393 What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
54394 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
54396 What we Are is God's give to us.
54397 What we Become is our gift to God.
54399 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
54402 What we do not understand we do not possess.
54403 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
54405 What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
54406 nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
54407 Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
54408 launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
54409 remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
54410 process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
54411 be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
54412 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
54414 What we need is either less corruption,
54415 or more chance to participate in it.
54417 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
54420 What we wish, that we readily believe.
54423 What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
54424 2038 does not bear thinking about.
54427 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
54429 What would you do with a brain if you had one?
54430 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
54432 What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
54434 What you don't know won't help you much either.
54437 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
54438 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
54439 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
54440 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
54442 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
54444 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
54445 something to occur to you.
54448 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
54449 referring to AST's.]
54451 Whatever became of eternal truth?
54453 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
54454 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
54455 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
54456 shredding hundred dollar bills."
54459 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
54461 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
54463 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
54467 Whatever happened to the good old days
54468 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
54470 Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
54472 -- Collis P. Huntingdon
54474 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
54475 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
54476 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
54478 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
54479 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
54481 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
54482 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
54484 Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
54488 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
54489 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
54490 -- Charlotte Whitton
54492 Whatever you do will be insignificant,
54493 but it is very important that you do it.
54496 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
54498 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
54500 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
54502 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
54505 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
54507 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
54510 What's done to children, they will do to society.
54512 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
54513 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
54517 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
54518 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
54519 -- The Best of Will Rogers
54521 What's the ugliest part of your body?
54522 What's the ugliest part of your body?
54523 Some say your nose,
54524 Some say your toes,
54525 But I think it's your mind.
54526 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
54528 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
54529 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
54531 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
54532 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
54534 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
54535 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
54538 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
54540 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
54542 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
54543 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
54546 When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
54549 When a girl can read the handwriting on
54550 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
54552 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
54553 inattentions of one.
54556 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
54557 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
54558 -- George Bernard Shaw
54560 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
54561 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
54562 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
54564 When a man assumes a public trust, he
54565 should consider himself as public property.
54566 -- Thomas Jefferson
54568 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
54571 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
54572 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
54575 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
54579 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
54580 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
54581 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
54582 liar who has broken his promises.
54585 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
54587 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
54588 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
54589 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
54590 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
54592 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
54593 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
54594 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
54595 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
54597 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
54598 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
54601 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
54602 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
54605 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
54606 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
54608 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
54609 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
54610 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
54611 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
54612 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
54613 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
54614 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
54615 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
54616 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
54617 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
54618 the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
54619 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
54620 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
54622 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
54623 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
54624 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
54627 When all else fails, EAT!!!
54629 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
54630 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
54632 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
54634 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
54636 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
54638 When among apes, one must play the ape.
54640 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
54643 When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
54644 tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
54647 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
54648 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
54650 When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
54651 the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
54652 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
54654 When asked the definition of "pi":
54656 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
54657 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
54659 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
54663 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
54665 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
54668 When choosing between two evils, I always
54669 like to take the one I've never tried before.
54670 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
54672 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
54673 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
54676 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
54678 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
54679 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
54680 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
54681 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
54682 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
54683 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
54686 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
54688 When does later become never?
54690 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
54691 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
54693 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
54696 When forecasting, give them a number
54697 or give them a date, but never both.
54699 When God endowed human beings with brains,
54700 He did not intend to guarantee them.
54702 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
54703 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
54706 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
54707 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
54708 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
54709 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
54710 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
54711 himself to destruction.
54714 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
54715 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
54718 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
54719 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
54720 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
54722 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
54724 like my grandfather.
54727 like the passengers in his car...
54729 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
54730 and a willingness to compromise.
54731 -- Weber cartoon caption
54733 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
54734 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
54737 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
54738 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
54739 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
54741 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
54742 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
54743 what you like now."
54746 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
54747 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
54748 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
54750 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
54751 year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
54752 winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
54753 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
54755 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
54757 When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
54758 live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
54759 nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
54760 I am in this torrent.
54761 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
54763 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
54764 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
54766 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
54767 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
54770 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
54771 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
54773 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
54775 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
54776 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
54779 When I think about myself,
54780 I almost laugh myself to death,
54781 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
54782 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
54783 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
54784 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
54785 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
54786 I laugh until my stomach ache,
54787 When I think about myself.
54788 My folks can make me split my side,
54789 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
54790 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
54791 They grow the fruit,
54793 I laugh until I start to crying,
54794 When I think about my folks.
54797 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
54798 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
54800 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
54801 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
54804 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
54805 I was an only child... eventually.
54808 When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
54809 take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
54813 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
54814 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
54815 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
54818 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
54819 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
54822 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
54823 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
54826 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
54828 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
54829 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
54830 -- Rodney Dangerfield
54832 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
54833 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
54835 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
54836 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
54839 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
54840 -- Rodney Dangerfield
54842 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
54843 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
54844 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
54845 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
54846 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
54847 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
54848 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
54849 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
54850 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
54851 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
54853 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
54854 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
54857 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
54858 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
54859 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
54860 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
54863 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
54864 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
54867 When I works, I works hard.
54868 When I sits, I sits easy.
54869 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
54871 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
54872 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
54873 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
54874 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
54875 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
54876 questions like a senator.
54879 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
54882 When in charge ponder,
54883 When in doubt mumble,
54884 When in trouble delegate.
54886 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
54887 to apologize than to get permission.
54888 -- Grace Murray Hopper
54890 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
54892 When in doubt, follow your heart.
54894 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
54895 -- Raymond Chandler
54897 When in doubt, lead trump.
54899 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
54902 When in doubt, tell the truth.
54905 When in doubt, use brute force.
54908 When in panic, fear and doubt,
54909 Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
54911 When in this world the headlines read
54912 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
54913 Who rob and steal from those who need
54914 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
54915 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
54916 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
54917 Fighting all who rob or plunder
54918 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
54922 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
54924 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
54925 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
54927 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
54929 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
54930 it is necessary not to make a decision.
54932 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
54933 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
54935 When license fees are too high,
54936 users do things by hand.
54937 When the management is too intrusive,
54938 users lose their spirit.
54940 Hack for the user's benefit.
54941 Trust them; leave them alone.
54943 When love is gone, there's always justice.
54944 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
54945 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
54949 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
54950 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
54952 When Marriage is Outlawed,
54953 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
54955 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
54958 When my brain begins to reel from my
54959 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
54962 When my fist clenches crack it open,
54963 Before I use it and lose my cool.
54964 When I smile tell me some bad news,
54965 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
54967 And if I swallow anything evil,
54968 Put you finger down my throat.
54969 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
54970 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
54972 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
54975 No one knows what its like to be hated,
54977 To telling only lies.
54978 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
54980 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
54981 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
54982 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
54983 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
54984 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
54985 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
54986 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
54987 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
54988 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
54989 most unlikely of situations.
54990 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
54992 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
54993 touched, the majority of men live content.
54994 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
54996 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
54998 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
55001 When one knows women one pities men,
55002 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
55005 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
55006 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55008 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
55009 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
55011 -- Louise Andrews Kent
55013 When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
55014 finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
55015 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
55016 a camera for professional photographers
55018 When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
55019 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
55020 And Oxygen still had none
55021 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
55022 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
55023 Called because of rain.
55025 When people have trouble communicating,
55026 the least they can do is to shut up.
55029 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
55031 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
55033 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
55034 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
55035 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
55037 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
55038 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
55039 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
55040 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
55041 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
55042 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
55043 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
55044 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
55046 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
55047 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
55048 is away and you get twice as much done.
55051 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
55052 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55054 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
55055 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
55057 When some people discover the truth, they just
55058 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
55060 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
55061 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
55062 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
55063 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
55064 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
55065 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
55067 For might makes right, Members of the corps
55068 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
55069 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
55071 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
55072 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
55073 We only want the world to know
55074 That we support the status quo;
55075 They love us everywhere we go,
55076 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
55077 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
55079 When someone says "I want a programming language in
55080 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
55082 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
55085 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
55087 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
55088 of asterisked sentences:
55090 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
55091 And costs less than $1,300.**
55093 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
55095 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
55096 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
55097 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
55098 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
55099 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
55101 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
55102 you really want to. Or less.
55105 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
55108 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
55111 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
55114 When the cup is full, carry it level.
55116 When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
55117 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
55119 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
55122 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
55123 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
55125 When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
55128 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
55130 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
55132 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
55133 -- Hunter S. Thompson
55135 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
55136 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
55138 When the Guru administers, the users
55139 are hardly aware that he exists.
55140 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
55141 Next, one who is feared.
55142 And worst, one who is despised.
55144 If you don't trust the users,
55145 you make them untrustworthy.
55147 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
55148 When his work is done,
55149 the users say, "Amazing:
55150 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
55152 When the leaders speak of peace
55153 The common folk know
55155 When the leaders curse war
55156 The mobilization order is already written out.
55158 Every day, to earn my daily bread
55159 I go to the market where lies are bought
55161 I take my place among the sellers.
55162 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
55164 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
55165 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
55166 nose bleed, which usually cures them of _
\bt_
\bh_
\ba_
\bt.
55167 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
55169 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
55172 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
55173 -- Richard M. Nixon
55175 When the revolution comes, count your change.
55177 When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
55178 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
55179 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
55181 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
55184 When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
55188 When the sun shineth, make hay.
55191 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
55192 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
55193 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
55194 were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
55195 corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
55196 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
55198 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
55199 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
55200 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
55201 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
55202 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
55203 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
55204 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
55206 "Samuel," he mumbled.
55207 "And where're you from, Sam?"
55210 When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
55214 When the wind is great, bow before it;
55215 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
55217 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
55218 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
55219 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
55221 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
55222 -- Honore de Balzac
55224 When things go well, expect something to
55225 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
55227 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
55228 insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
55229 required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
55230 exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
55231 -- George Bernard Shaw
55233 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
55234 other user interfaces become ugly.
55235 When users see some programs as winners,
55236 other programs become lossage.
55238 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
55239 High level and assembler depend on each other.
55240 Double and float cast to each other.
55241 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
55242 While and until follow each other.
55245 programs without doing anything
55246 and teaches without saying anything.
55247 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
55248 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
55249 He has but doesn't possess,
55250 acts but doesn't expect.
55251 When his work is done, he deletes it.
55252 That is why it lasts forever.
55254 When we are planning for posterity,
55255 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
55258 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
55259 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
55260 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
55261 history of war have so few been led by so many.
55262 -- General James Gavin
55264 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
55266 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
55267 except our fingertips will have been singed.
55268 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
55270 When we write programs that "learn",
55271 it turns out we do and they don't.
55273 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
55274 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
55276 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
55277 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
55279 -- Honore de Balzac
55281 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
55282 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
55284 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
55285 of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
55286 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
55290 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
55291 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
55294 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
55296 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
55298 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
55299 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
55300 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
55301 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
55302 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
55303 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
55304 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
55305 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
55306 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
55307 from, to torture and unsettle us?
55308 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
55310 When you become used to never being alone,
55311 you may consider yourself Americanized.
55313 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
55315 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
55318 When you dig another out of trouble,
55319 you've got a place to bury your own.
55321 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
55323 When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
55325 When you find yourself in danger,
55326 When you're threatened by a stranger,
55327 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
55329 There is one thing you should learn,
55330 When there is no one else to turn to,
55331 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
55332 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
55334 When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
55335 And the world makes you King for a day,
55336 Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
55337 And see what that guy has to say.
55338 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
55339 Who judgement upon you must pass.
55340 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
55341 Is the guy staring back from the glass.
55342 He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
55343 For he's with you clear up to the end,
55344 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
55345 If the guy in the glass is your friend.
55346 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
55347 And think you're a wonderful guy,
55348 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
55349 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
55350 You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
55351 And get pats on the back as you pass,
55352 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
55353 If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
55354 -- "The Guy in the Glass"
55355 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
55356 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
55357 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
55359 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
55360 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
55363 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
55365 When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
55368 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
55369 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
55370 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
55372 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
55373 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
55374 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
55375 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
55378 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
55379 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
55381 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
55382 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
55383 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
55385 When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
55386 asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
55387 know the answer either.
55388 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
55390 When you live in a sick society,
55391 just about everything you do is wrong.
55393 When you make your mark in the world,
55394 watch out for guys with erasers.
55395 -- The Wall Street Journal
55397 When you meet a master swordsman,
55398 show him your sword.
55399 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
55400 do not show him your poem.
55401 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
55403 When you overesteem great hackers,
55404 more users become cretins.
55405 When you develop encryption,
55406 more users become crackers.
55409 by emptying user's minds
55410 and increasing their quotas,
55411 by weakening their ambition
55412 and toughening their resolve.
55413 When users lack knowledge and desire,
55414 management will not try to interfere.
55416 Practice not-looping,
55417 and everything will fall into place.
55419 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
55420 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
55421 -- Otto von Bismarck
55423 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
55424 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
55426 When you try to make an impression, the
55427 chances are that is the impression you will make.
55429 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
55431 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
55432 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
55434 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
55435 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
55436 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
55438 When your memory goes, forget it!
55440 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
55444 You're a Yup all the way
55445 From your first slice of Brie
55446 To your last Cabernet.
55449 You're not just a dreamer
55450 You're making things happen
55451 You're driving a Beamer.
55453 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
55454 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
55455 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
55456 I feel the same when you are near.
55457 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
55459 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
55460 -- David Pryce-Jones
55462 When you're dining out and you suspect
55463 something's wrong, you're probably right.
55465 When you're down and out, lift up your
55466 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
55468 When you're in command, command.
55471 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
55472 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
55473 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
55474 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
55476 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
55478 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
55480 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
55481 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
55482 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
55484 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
55485 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
55486 to become a parrot or something.
55487 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
55489 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
55492 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
55493 to spend their weekends with?
55496 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
55498 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
55499 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
55502 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
55503 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
55504 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
55507 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
55510 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
55511 We people on the pavement looked at him:
55512 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
55513 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
55514 And he was always quietly arrayed,
55515 And he was always human when he talked;
55516 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
55517 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
55518 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
55519 And admirably schooled in every grace:
55520 In fine, we thought that he was everything
55521 To make us wish that we were in his place.
55522 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
55523 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
55524 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
55525 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
55526 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
55528 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
55529 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
55531 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
55532 you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
55533 Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
55535 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
55537 Whenever you find that you are on the
55538 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
55541 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
55542 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
55543 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
55544 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
55546 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
55548 Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
55549 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
55551 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
55553 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
55554 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
55555 When it's converted to energy?
55556 There is a slight loss of parity.
55557 Johnny's so long at the fair.
55559 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
55562 Where do you go to get anorexia?
55565 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
55566 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
55567 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
55569 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
55572 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
55573 examine the laws of heat.
55574 -- Christopher Morley
55576 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
55577 Why did you leave me here all alone?
55578 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
55579 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
55581 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
55582 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
55583 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
55584 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
55587 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
55589 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
55591 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
55592 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
55594 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
55595 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
55597 Where there's a whip there's a way.
55599 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
55601 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
55603 Where will it all end?
55604 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
55606 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
55607 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
55609 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
55612 Where's the man could ease a heart
55614 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
55616 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
55617 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
55620 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
55621 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
55622 Go on, do not rest.
55623 -- An old Gujarati hymn
55625 Whether you can hear it or not
55626 The Universe is laughing behind your back
55627 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
55629 Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
55631 Which would you rather have, a bursting
55632 planet or an earthquake here and there?
55633 -- John Joseph Lynch
55635 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
55636 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
55638 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
55639 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
55640 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
55641 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
55642 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
55643 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
55644 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
55647 While having never invented a sin,
55648 I'm trying to perfect several.
55650 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
55651 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
55652 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
55653 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
55654 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
55655 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
55656 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
55658 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
55659 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
55660 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
55662 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55663 referring to hardware interrupts.]
55665 And now I see with eye serene
55666 The very pulse of the machine.
55667 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
55669 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
55670 referring to software interrupts.]
55672 While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
55673 keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
55674 -- Edward Stevenson
55676 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
55677 lets you choose your own form of misery.
55679 While most peoples' opinions change,
55680 the conviction of their correctness never does.
55682 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
55683 held a gun to his head.
55684 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
55685 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
55686 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
55687 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
55688 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
55689 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
55691 While there's life, there's hope.
55692 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
55694 While walking down a crowded
55695 City street the other day,
55696 I heard a little urchin
55697 To a comrade turn and say,
55698 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
55699 I'd be happy as a clam
55700 If only I was de feller dat
55701 Me mudder t'inks I am.
55703 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
55704 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
55705 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
55706 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
55707 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
55708 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
55709 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
55710 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
55711 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
55713 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
55716 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
55717 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
55719 While you recently had your problems on the run,
55720 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
55722 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
55723 safe, for you can watch both of his.
55724 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
55726 Whip it, whip it good!
55729 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
55731 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
55733 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
55736 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
55741 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
55742 ...they might want to cut it out...
55744 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
55745 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
55749 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
55752 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
55753 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
55755 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
55758 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
55759 Remains a fool his whole life long.
55760 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
55762 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
55765 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
55768 Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
55772 Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
55774 Who loves me will also love my dog.
55777 Who loves not wisely but too well
55778 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
55779 But he whose love is thin and wise
55780 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
55783 Who made the world I cannot tell;
55784 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
55785 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
55786 I never soiled with such a deed.
55789 Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
55791 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
55793 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
55794 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
55796 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
55797 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
55799 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
55800 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
55803 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
55805 Who was that masked man?
55807 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
55809 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
55811 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
55812 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
55814 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
55816 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
55819 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
55820 pure in heart can make a good soup.
55821 -- Ludwig van Beethoven
55823 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
55825 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
55828 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
55830 Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
55832 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
55837 Who's scruffy-looking?
55840 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
55841 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
55843 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
55846 Why are programmers non-productive?
55847 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
55849 Why are programmers rebellious?
55850 Because the management interferes too much.
55852 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
55853 Because they are burnt out.
55855 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
55856 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
55858 Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
55859 have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
55862 Why are you so hard to ignore?
55864 Why are you watching
55865 The washing machine?
55866 I love entertainment
55867 So long as it's clean.
55869 Professor Doberman:
55870 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
55871 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
55872 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
55873 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
55874 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
55875 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
55876 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
55877 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
55878 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
55879 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
55882 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
55885 Why be a man when you can be a success?
55888 Why be difficult, when, with just a
55889 little more effort, you can be impossible?
55891 Why bother building anymore nuclear
55892 warheads until we use the ones we have?
55894 Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
55896 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
55897 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
55899 Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
55902 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
55903 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
55904 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
55907 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
55908 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
55910 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
55911 It's quite uncanny.
55913 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
55915 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
55917 Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
55919 Why do we want intelligent terminals
55920 when there are so many stupid users?
55922 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
55925 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
55927 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
55928 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
55929 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
55931 Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
55934 New Jersey had first choice.
55936 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
55939 Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
55941 Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
55943 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
55944 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
55945 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
55946 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
55948 -- The Best of Will Rogers
55950 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
55951 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
55953 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
55957 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
55959 I'd LOVE to, but...
55960 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
55961 -- None of my socks match.
55962 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
55963 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55964 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
55965 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
55966 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
55967 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
55968 named Basil Metabolism.
55969 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
55970 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
55971 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
55972 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
55973 -- I feel a song coming on.
55975 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
55977 I'd LOVE to, but...
55978 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
55979 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
55980 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
55981 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
55982 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
55983 -- My subconscious says no.
55984 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
55985 can't seem to put it down.
55986 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
55987 -- I have to study for my blood test.
55988 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
55989 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
55990 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
55992 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
55994 I'd LOVE to, but...
55995 -- I have to floss my cat.
55996 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
55997 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
55998 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
55999 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
56000 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
56001 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
56002 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
56003 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
56004 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
56006 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56008 I'd LOVE to, but...
56009 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
56010 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
56011 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
56012 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
56013 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
56014 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
56015 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
56016 -- I have to bleach my hare.
56017 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
56018 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
56020 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
56022 I'd LOVE to, but...
56023 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
56024 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
56025 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
56026 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
56027 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
56028 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
56029 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
56030 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
56031 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
56032 -- My crayons all melted together.
56034 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
56036 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
56038 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
56039 It is because we are not the person involved.
56042 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
56045 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
56048 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
56049 way to prove how much she means to me?
56051 Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
56052 you knowing nothing?
56053 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
56055 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
56057 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
56059 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
56060 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
56061 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
56062 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
56063 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
56064 I can't think why not.
56065 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
56066 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
56068 Why not go out on a limb?
56069 Isn't that where the fruit is?
56071 Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
56072 Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
56073 children open their old-fashioned presents.
56075 Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
56077 You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
56078 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
56080 Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
56081 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
56082 and I get this cretin TOP?"
56084 Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
56086 You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
56088 Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
56089 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
56091 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
56092 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
56094 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
56097 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
56098 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
56099 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
56100 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
56101 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
56102 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
56103 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
56104 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
56105 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
56106 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
56107 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
56108 eternity for his faithlessness.
56109 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
56110 Fortnightly Review, 1876
56112 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
56115 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
56117 Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
56118 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
56119 when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
56120 direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
56123 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
56124 -- The Tasmanian Devil
56127 Government expands to absorb all
56128 available revenue and then some.
56131 A pat on the back is only a few
56132 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
56134 Will Rogers never met you.
56136 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
56137 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
56139 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
56140 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
56143 Williams and Holland's Law:
56144 If enough data is collected,
56145 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
56147 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
56148 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
56149 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
56150 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
56152 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
56153 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
56154 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
56155 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
56157 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
56158 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
56159 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
56160 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
56161 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
56163 Wilner's Observation:
56164 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
56166 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
56169 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
56171 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
56172 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
56173 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
56176 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
56179 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
56180 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
56182 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
56183 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
56184 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
56186 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
56189 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
56191 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
56195 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
56197 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56199 With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
56200 try to be a fraud and a half.
56201 -- Otto von Bismarck
56203 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
56204 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
56206 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
56207 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
56209 With all the talent around, it's sort of
56210 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
56211 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
56213 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
56215 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
56216 they make a law it's a joke.
56219 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
56220 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
56221 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
56222 is no such thing as progress.
56225 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
56226 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
56229 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
56231 With reasonable men I will reason;
56232 with humane men I will plead;
56233 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
56234 -- William Lloyd Garrison
56236 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
56237 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
56238 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
56239 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
56241 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
56242 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
56244 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
56245 the city and forty on the highway."
56247 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
56248 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
56249 close. Like catching snakes.
56252 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
56254 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
56255 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
56256 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
56257 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
56258 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
56259 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
56260 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
56261 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
56262 White House's National Security Council, Washington
56263 Post, 21 March, 1982
56265 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
56266 -- Alfred North Whitehead
56268 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
56269 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
56270 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
56271 important to him than his table or his white robe.
56272 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
56274 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
56276 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
56278 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
56280 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
56281 without intelligence love is not enough.
56284 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
56287 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
56288 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
56289 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
56290 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
56292 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
56293 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
56294 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
56297 A man who knows all the ankles.
56299 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
56300 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
56302 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
56305 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
56306 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
56310 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
56311 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
56312 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
56314 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
56315 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
56316 I shall be sober in the morning.
56318 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
56319 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
56320 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
56321 that he might love her.
56324 Woman would be more charming if one could
56325 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
56328 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
56331 Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
56332 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
56333 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
56334 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
56335 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
56336 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
56337 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
56340 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
56341 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
56344 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
56345 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
56346 marriage certificates, and defy you.
56349 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
56350 from charity, or revenge?
56351 -- Gustave Vapereau
56353 Women are just like men, only different.
56355 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
56356 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
56359 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
56362 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
56365 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
56368 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
56371 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
56372 but it takes more of them to do it.
56374 Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
56377 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
56378 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
56381 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
56382 as good as any other.
56383 -- Philippe De Remi
56385 Women give themselves to God when the
56386 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
56389 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
56390 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
56393 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
56394 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
56397 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
56398 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
56399 original earth clinging to the roots.
56402 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
56403 than men who reason with the head.
56406 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
56407 but never a man who misses one.
56408 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
56410 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
56411 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
56414 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
56415 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
56416 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
56419 Women waste men's lives and think they have
56420 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
56421 -- Honore de Balzac
56423 Women, when they are not in love, have all
56424 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
56425 -- Honore de Balzac
56427 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
56428 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
56429 -- Honore de Balzac
56431 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
56433 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
56434 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
56435 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
56438 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
56440 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
56441 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
56443 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
56444 and philosophy begins in wonder.
56445 Socrates, quoting Plato
56448 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
56450 Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
56451 you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
56452 down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
56453 tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
56454 long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
56455 there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
56458 Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
56459 when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
56460 Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
56461 cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
56462 heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
56463 beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
56464 and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
56465 although their insurance rates went way up.
56466 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
56469 A theory is better than its explanation.
56471 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
56472 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
56473 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
56474 -- Cheers, Airport V
56476 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
56477 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
56478 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
56481 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
56482 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
56484 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
56485 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
56486 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
56488 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
56489 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
56490 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
56492 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
56493 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
56494 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
56496 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
56497 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
56498 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
56500 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
56501 swallowed the canary.
56502 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
56503 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
56505 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
56506 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
56507 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
56509 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
56510 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
56511 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
56513 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
56514 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
56515 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
56517 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
56518 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
56519 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
56521 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
56523 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
56524 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
56525 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
56527 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
56528 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
56529 -- Cheers, The Proposal
56531 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
56532 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
56533 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
56535 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
56536 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
56537 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
56539 Sam: How's life treating you?
56540 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
56541 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
56543 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
56544 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
56546 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
56547 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
56549 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
56550 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
56551 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
56553 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
56554 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
56555 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
56557 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
56558 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
56559 Eh, make that one-thirty.
56560 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
56562 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
56563 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
56564 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
56566 Words are the voice of the heart.
56568 Words can never express what words can never express.
56570 Words have a longer life than deeds.
56573 Words must be weighed, not counted.
56576 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
56577 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
56579 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
56580 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
56583 Work continues in this area.
56584 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
56586 Work expands to fill the time available.
56587 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
56589 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
56590 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
56592 -- Bertrand Russell
56594 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
56597 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
56600 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
56601 a handshake, and have fun.
56602 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
56603 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
56605 Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
56606 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
56607 any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
56608 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
56609 and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
56612 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
56614 Work without a vision is slavery,
56615 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
56616 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
56618 Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
56621 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
56623 -- Christopher Plummer
56625 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
56626 since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
56627 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
56628 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
56629 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
56630 error in the world."
56633 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
56636 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
56637 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
56639 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
56640 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
56641 -- Steve Rubenstein
56643 Worst Month of the Year:
56644 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
56645 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
56646 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
56647 -- Steve Rubenstein
56649 Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
56650 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
56651 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
56652 exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
56654 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
56655 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
56656 -- Steve Rubenstein
56659 Yes, but not worth going to see.
56662 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
56663 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
56664 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
56665 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
56668 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
56669 -- Princess Leia Organa
56671 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
56674 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
56676 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
56679 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
56681 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
56683 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
56685 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
56687 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
56688 trial testimony, 1947
56690 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
56693 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
56695 -- "Broadcast News"
56697 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
56700 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
56703 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
56705 Write-protect tab, n.:
56706 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
56707 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
56708 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
56712 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
56713 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
56714 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
56715 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
56716 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
56717 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
56718 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
56719 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
56720 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
56721 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
56722 is itself the one hope for salvation.
56723 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
56725 Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
56728 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
56730 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
56731 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
56734 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
56737 Writing software is more fun than working.
56741 "Wrong," said Renner.
56743 "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
56744 the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
56747 What You See Is What You Get.
56750 Accept any substitute.
56751 If it's broke, don't fix it.
56752 If it ain't broke, fix it.
56753 Form follows malfunction.
56754 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
56755 The trailing edge of software technology.
56756 Armageddon never looked so good.
56757 Japan's secret weapon.
56758 You'll envy the dead.
56759 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
56760 Let it get in YOUR way.
56761 The problem for your problem.
56762 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
56763 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
56764 Simplicity made complex.
56765 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
56766 Flakey and built to stay that way.
56768 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
56772 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
56773 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
56774 Built to take on the world... and lose!
56775 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
56776 Power tools for Power Fools.
56777 Putting new limits on productivity.
56778 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
56779 Design by counterexample.
56780 A new level of software disintegration.
56781 No hardware is safe.
56783 Rationalization, not realization.
56784 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
56785 Gratuitous incompatibility.
56787 THE user interference management system.
56788 You can't argue with failure.
56789 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
56791 The environment of today... tomorrow!
56795 Something you can be ashamed of.
56796 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
56797 The first fully modular software disaster.
56798 Rome was destroyed in a day.
56799 Warn your friends about it.
56800 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
56801 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
56802 Don't wait for the movie.
56803 Never use it after a big meal.
56805 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
56806 It'll make your day.
56807 Don't get frustrated without it.
56808 Power tools for power losers.
56809 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
56810 Never had it. Never will.
56811 The software with no visible means of support.
56812 More than just a generation behind.
56814 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
56818 The ultimate bottleneck.
56819 Flawed beyond belief.
56820 The only thing you have to fear.
56821 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
56822 On autopilot to oblivion.
56823 The joke that kills.
56824 A disgrace you can be proud of.
56825 A mistake carried out to perfection.
56826 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
56827 To err is X windows.
56828 Ignorance is our most important resource.
56829 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
56830 Built to fall apart.
56831 Nullifying centuries of progress.
56832 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
56833 The last thing you need.
56834 The de facto substandard.
56836 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
56840 We will dump no core before its time.
56841 One good crash deserves another.
56842 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
56844 It didn't even look good on paper.
56845 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
56846 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
56847 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
56848 It could happen to you.
56849 The art of incompetence.
56850 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
56851 When uselessness just isn't enough.
56852 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
56853 When you can't afford to be right.
56854 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
56856 If it works, it isn't X windows.
56859 You'd better sit down.
56860 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
56861 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
56862 Live the nightmare.
56863 Our bugs run faster.
56864 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
56865 There ARE no rules.
56866 You'll wish we were kidding.
56867 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
56868 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
56869 There's got to be a better way.
56870 The next best thing to keypunching.
56871 Leave the thrashing to us.
56872 We wrote the book on core dumps.
56873 Even your dog won't like it.
56874 More than enough rope.
56875 Garbage at your fingertips.
56877 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
56880 Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
56882 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
56884 XEROX never does anything original.
56887 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
56888 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
56889 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
56890 the managers would fly off.
56892 It costs a lot to build bad products.
56894 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
56895 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
56896 intermingle the two.
56898 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
56899 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
56900 of every airplane's weight.
56902 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
56903 and two-thirds of the problems.
56904 -- Norman Augustine
56907 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
56908 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
56909 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
56912 The more one produces, the less one gets.
56914 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
56916 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
56918 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
56919 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
56920 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
56922 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
56923 unexpected should have been expected.
56925 A billion saved is a billion earned.
56926 -- Norman Augustine
56929 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
56930 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
56932 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
56933 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
56934 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
56935 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
56937 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
56939 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
56940 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
56941 as long as the official's who created it.
56943 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
56944 government workers than there are workers.
56946 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
56947 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
56948 -- Norman Augustine
56950 XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
56953 XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
56955 -- XML guru Chris Maden
56957 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
56958 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
56961 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
56962 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
56963 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
56964 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
56966 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
56967 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
56969 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
56970 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
56971 ten degradation accomplished.
56973 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
56974 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
56976 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
56977 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
56978 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
56979 -- Norman Augustine
56982 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
56984 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
56985 not selling advice.
56987 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
56988 currently estimated.
56990 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
56991 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
56992 costly action known to man.
56994 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
56995 or a new canvas to an artist.
56996 -- Norman Augustine
56999 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
57000 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
57002 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
57004 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
57006 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
57007 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
57008 hang on about half a decade.
57010 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
57011 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
57012 -- Norman Augustine
57015 The optimum committee has no members.
57017 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
57018 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
57020 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
57022 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
57023 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
57026 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
57027 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
57028 the data authenticity.
57029 -- Norman Augustine
57032 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
57033 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
57034 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
57035 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
57037 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
57038 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
57040 The early bird gets the worm.
57041 The early worm ... gets eaten.
57043 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
57044 the year -- in either direction.
57046 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
57047 -- Norman Augustine
57049 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
57051 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
57052 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
57053 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
57054 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
57055 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
57056 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
57058 Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
57059 rays and became a tangent ?
57061 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
57062 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
57064 Yea from the table of my memory
57065 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
57068 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
57069 fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
57070 operators together.
57073 Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
57075 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
57077 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
57078 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
57080 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
57081 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
57085 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
57086 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
57088 Year Name James Bond Book
57089 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
57090 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
57091 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
57092 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
57093 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
57094 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
57095 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
57096 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
57097 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
57098 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
57099 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
57100 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
57101 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
57102 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
57103 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57104 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
57105 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
57106 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
57107 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
57108 * -- Not a Broccoli production
57111 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
57112 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
57114 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
57116 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
57118 Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
57121 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
57122 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
57125 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
57126 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
57127 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
57128 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
57129 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
57130 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
57131 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
57133 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
57135 -- George Michaelson
57137 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
57138 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
57139 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
57142 Yesterday upon the stair
57143 I met a man who wasn't there.
57144 He wasn't there again today --
57145 I think he's from the CIA.
57147 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
57148 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
57149 I'm not respectable.
57150 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
57152 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
57156 Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
57157 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
57160 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
57161 hoping no one will notice.
57162 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
57164 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
57166 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
57167 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
57169 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
57171 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
57173 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
57174 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
57175 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
57176 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
57178 You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
57180 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
57183 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
57186 You are always busy.
57188 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
57190 You are an insult to my intelligence!
57191 I demand that you log off immediately.
57193 You are as I am with You.
57195 You are capable of planning your future.
57197 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
57199 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
57201 You are destined to become the commandant of the
57202 fighting men of the department of transportation.
57204 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
57206 You are fairminded, just and loving.
57208 You are false data.
57210 You are farsighted, a good planner,
57211 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
57213 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
57215 You are going to have a new love affair.
57226 But you're not all there.
57228 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
57230 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
57232 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
57234 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
57236 You are loved by the multitudes.
57237 Have you been to the clinic lately?
57239 You are magnetic in your bearing.
57241 You are never given a wish without also being given the
57242 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
57244 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
57246 You are not a fool just because you have done
57247 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
57249 You are not dead yet.
57250 But watch for further reports.
57252 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
57253 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
57254 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
57257 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
57258 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
57260 You are number 6! Who is number one?
57262 "You are old, Father William," the young man said,
57263 "All your papers these days look the same;
57264 Those William's would be better unread --
57265 Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
57267 "In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
57268 "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
57269 But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
57270 Made it pointless to think any more."
57272 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
57273 "And your hair has become very white;
57274 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
57275 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
57277 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
57278 "I feared it might injure the brain;
57279 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
57280 Why, I do it again and again."
57281 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57283 "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
57284 That your lectures bore people to death.
57285 Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
57286 Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
57288 "I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
57289 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
57290 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57291 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
57293 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
57294 For anything tougher than suet;
57295 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
57296 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
57298 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
57299 And argued each case with my wife;
57300 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
57301 Has lasted the rest of my life."
57302 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57304 "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
57305 And there isn't one language you like;
57306 Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
57307 Have you thought about taking a hike?"
57309 "Since I never write programs," his father replied,
57310 "Every language looks equally bad;
57311 Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
57312 And don't realize that they've been had."
57314 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57315 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
57316 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
57317 Pray what is the reason of that?"
57319 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
57320 "I kept all my limbs very supple
57321 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
57322 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
57323 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57325 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
57326 And make errors few people could bear;
57327 You complain about everyone's English but yours --
57328 Do you really think this is quite fair?"
57330 "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
57331 "But my stature these days is so great
57332 That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
57333 And to stop me it's now far too late."
57335 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
57336 That your eye was as steady as ever;
57337 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
57338 What made you so awfully clever?"
57340 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
57341 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
57342 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
57343 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
57344 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
57346 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
57348 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
57349 Therefore you have few friends.
57351 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
57352 I like that in a person.
57354 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
57356 You are standing on my toes.
57358 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
57360 You are the only person to ever get this message.
57362 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
57363 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
57364 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
57365 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
57366 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
57367 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
57368 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
57369 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
57370 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
57371 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
57372 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
57373 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
57374 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
57375 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
57377 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
57378 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
57379 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
57381 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
57382 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
57384 You ask what a nice girl will do?
57385 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
57386 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
57388 You attempt things that you do not even plan
57389 because of your extreme stupidity.
57393 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
57395 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
57396 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
57397 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
57398 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
57399 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
57400 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
57401 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
57402 than a twenty-dollar bill.
57403 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
57405 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
57408 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
57410 You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
57411 incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
57412 Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
57413 to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
57414 nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
57415 they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
57416 some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
57418 The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
57419 pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
57421 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
57423 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
57424 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
57426 You can approach truth, but never capture it.
57427 Lies can be had 'round the corner.
57428 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
57430 You can be replaced by this computer.
57432 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
57433 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
57435 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
57436 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
57437 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
57439 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
57440 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
57441 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
57442 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
57445 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
57448 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
57449 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
57450 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
57451 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
57452 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
57453 -- The Palindromist
57455 You can create your own opportunities this week.
57456 Blackmail a senior executive.
57458 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
57461 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
57462 Why do you find that funny?
57463 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
57465 You can do very well in speculation where
57466 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
57468 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
57470 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
57471 and the budget is big enough.
57472 -- Joseph E. Levine
57474 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
57475 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
57477 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
57478 and all of the people some of the time,
57479 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
57481 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
57482 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
57484 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
57486 You can get everything in life you want,
57487 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
57489 You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
57490 can with just a kind word.
57493 You can get much further with a kind word and a
57494 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
57496 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
57498 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
57500 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
57502 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
57503 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
57505 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
57506 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
57508 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
57509 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
57512 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
57513 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
57516 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
57517 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
57521 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
57522 Don't ever count on having both at once.
57525 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
57528 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
57530 -- Franklin P. Jones
57532 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
57534 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
57535 the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
57538 You can move the world with an idea,
57539 but you have to think of it first.
57541 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
57543 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
57544 -- Jeannette Rankin
57546 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
57547 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
57549 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
57550 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
57552 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
57553 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
57555 You can now buy more gates with less
57556 specifications than at any other time in history.
57559 You can observe a lot just by watching.
57562 You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
57564 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
57566 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
57567 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
57568 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
57571 You can tell how far we have to go,
57572 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
57575 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
57578 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
57580 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
57581 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
57582 University of Washington
57584 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
57585 I've got to have thirty minutes!
57587 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
57589 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
57590 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
57593 You cannot have a science without measurement.
57596 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
57598 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
57600 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
57603 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
57606 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
57608 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
57610 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
57612 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
57613 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
57616 You can't cheat the phone company.
57618 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
57620 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
57621 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
57623 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
57626 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
57629 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
57630 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
57631 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
57632 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
57633 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
57635 You can't fall off the floor.
57637 You can't get there from here.
57639 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
57641 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
57644 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
57647 You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
57648 -- Booker T. Washington
57650 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
57652 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
57654 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
57655 only sooner than she thought you would.
57657 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
57658 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
57659 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
57661 You can't make a program without broken egos.
57663 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
57665 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
57666 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
57668 You can't push on a string.
57670 You can't run away forever,
57671 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
57672 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
57674 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
57678 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
57679 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
57682 You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
57683 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
57686 You can't take damsel here now.
57688 You can't take it with you --
57689 especially when crossing a state line.
57691 You can't teach people to be lazy --
57692 either they have it, or they don't.
57693 -- Dagwood Bumstead
57695 You climb to reach the summit, but once
57696 there, discover that all roads lead down.
57697 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
57699 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
57700 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
57702 You could live a better life, if you
57703 had a better mind and a better body.
57705 You couldn't even prove the White House
57706 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
57707 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
57709 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
57713 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
57715 You do not have mail.
57717 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
57719 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
57720 if you're not planning on coming back down.
57721 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
57723 You don't have to explain something you never said.
57726 You don't have to know how the computer
57727 works, just how to work the computer.
57729 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
57732 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
57735 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
57736 reason to eat with knitting needles.
57737 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
57739 You enjoy the company of other people.
57741 You feel a whole lot more like you do
57742 now than you did when you used to.
57744 You fill a much-needed gap.
57746 You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
57747 The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
57748 which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
57749 tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
57750 names. Here's the complete text:
57752 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
57753 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
57754 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
57755 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
57756 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
57757 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
57758 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
57759 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
57761 The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
57762 money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
57764 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
57766 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
57767 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
57768 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^
\but"
57770 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
57772 You get what you pay for.
57775 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
57776 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
57777 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
57779 You go down to the pickup station,
57780 craving warmth and beauty;
57781 You settle for less than fascination --
57782 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
57783 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
57784 on this strange new flesh you've found --
57785 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
57786 you hurry to the blackness
57787 and the blankets to lay down an impression
57788 and your loneliness.
57791 You got to be very careful if you don't know
57792 where you're going, because you might not get there.
57795 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
57796 And you know it don't come easy ...
57797 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
57798 And you know it don't come easy ...
57800 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
57802 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
57804 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
57807 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
57809 You had some happiness once,
57810 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
57812 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
57814 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
57816 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
57818 You have a message from the operator.
57820 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
57821 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
57823 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
57825 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
57827 You have a strong desire for a home
57828 and your family interests come first.
57830 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
57832 You have a truly strong individuality.
57834 You have a will that can be influenced
57835 by all with whom you come in contact.
57837 You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
57839 This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
57841 You are permanently confused.
57844 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
57847 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
57848 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
57851 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
57853 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
57855 You have an unusual equipment for success.
57856 Be sure to use it properly.
57858 You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
57859 metal objects which are not fastened down.
57861 You have an unusual understanding of
57862 the problems of human relationships.
57864 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
57865 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
57867 You have been selected for a secret mission.
57869 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
57871 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
57873 You have junk mail.
57875 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
57879 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
57881 You have no real enemies.
57883 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
57884 -- John Viscount Morley
57886 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
57887 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
57889 You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
57892 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
57893 You'll learn a lot today.
57895 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
57897 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
57898 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
57900 "Through the Looking-Glass,
57901 and What Alice Found There" (1871)
57903 You humans are all alike.
57905 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
57906 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
57907 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
57909 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
57912 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
57913 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
57915 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
57918 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
57919 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
57920 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
57922 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
57925 You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
57926 you people are all going to owe me big.
57929 You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
57930 you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
57932 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
57933 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
57936 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
57939 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
57940 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
57941 You play around you lose your wife,
57942 You play too long, you lose your life.
57943 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
57944 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
57946 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
57948 -- W. Somerset Maugham
57950 You know, the difference between this company and
57951 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
57953 You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
57954 anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
57955 you can always change the channel.
57958 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
57959 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
57960 -- Richard M. Nixon
57962 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
57963 and I had my hands about it.
57964 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
57966 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
57970 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
57971 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
57972 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
57973 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
57974 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
57976 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
57979 You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
57980 -- S. Rickly Christian
57982 You know your apartment is small...
57983 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
57984 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
57985 you have to go outside to change your mind.
57986 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
57988 You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
57989 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
57991 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
57992 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
57993 mother is allowed to take.
57995 You know you're in a small town when...
57996 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
57997 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
57998 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
57999 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
58000 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
58001 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
58002 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
58004 You know you're in trouble when...
58005 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
58006 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
58007 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
58009 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
58010 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
58011 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
58012 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
58014 You know you're in trouble when...
58015 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
58016 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
58017 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
58018 and there aren't any.
58019 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
58020 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
58021 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
58022 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
58024 You know you're in trouble when...
58025 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
58027 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
58028 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
58029 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
58030 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
58031 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
58032 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
58033 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
58035 You know you're in trouble when...
58036 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
58037 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
58038 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
58039 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
58040 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
58041 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
58042 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
58043 after you bought a waterbed.
58044 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
58045 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
58048 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
58049 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
58050 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
58051 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
58053 You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
58054 friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
58056 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
58058 You learn to write as if to someone else
58059 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
58061 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
58063 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
58064 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
58065 -- Remington Steele
58067 You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
58073 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
58075 You may already be a loser.
58076 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
58078 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
58079 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
58081 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
58082 but you're infinitely larger than others.
58084 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
58086 You may be right, I may be crazy,
58087 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
58090 You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
58091 is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
58094 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
58095 That a young man married is a young man marred.
58096 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
58098 You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
58102 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
58104 You may have heard that a dean is
58105 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
58108 You may my glories and my state dispose,
58109 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
58110 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
58112 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
58113 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
58115 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
58118 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
58119 making lots of little phone companies?
58121 You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
58122 success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
58123 or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
58124 party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
58125 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
58127 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
58128 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
58129 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
58130 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
58132 You might have mail.
58134 You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
58135 now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
58136 exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
58139 You must dine in our cafeteria.
58140 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
58142 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
58143 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
58144 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
58145 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
58146 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
58147 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
58148 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
58149 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
58150 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
58152 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
58153 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
58154 are merely deputies of that one.
58157 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
58158 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
58160 You need more time; and you probably always will.
58162 You need no longer worry about the future.
58163 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
58165 You need not worry about your future.
58167 You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
58168 reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
58169 the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
58171 -- Charles A. Beard
58173 You never gain something but that you lose something.
58176 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
58178 You never go anywhere without your soul.
58180 You never have to change anything you
58181 got up in the middle of the night to write.
58184 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
58186 You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
58189 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
58192 You never learned anything by doing it right.
58194 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
58195 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
58196 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
58197 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
58198 guys were getting stoned!
58201 You now have Asian Flu.
58203 You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
58204 you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
58205 yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
58207 -- J. Wellington Wells
58209 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
58211 You plan things that you do not even
58212 attempt because of your extreme caution.
58214 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
58216 You prefer the company of the opposite
58217 sex, but are well liked by your own.
58219 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
58220 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
58223 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
58225 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
58226 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
58234 Let's go be the Vice President...
58236 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
58238 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
58239 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
58240 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
58241 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
58242 a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
58243 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
58244 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
58245 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
58246 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
58247 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
58248 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
58249 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
58253 You see things; and you say "Why?"
58254 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
58255 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
58256 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
58258 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
58259 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
58260 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
58261 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
58263 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
58265 You seek to shield those you love
58266 and you like the role of the provider.
58268 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
58270 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
58273 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
58275 You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
58278 You should go home.
58280 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
58281 incest and folk-dancing.
58282 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
58284 You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
58286 -- Ernest Rutherford
58288 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
58289 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
58290 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
58292 You should never wear your best trousers
58293 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
58296 You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
58297 contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
58298 houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
58299 scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
58300 summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
58301 you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
58302 sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
58303 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
58305 You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
58306 another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
58307 another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
58308 such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
58309 many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
58310 If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
58311 should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
58312 for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
58313 because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
58314 chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
58316 In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
58318 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
58320 You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
58321 plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
58322 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
58324 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
58325 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
58327 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
58328 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
58331 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
58333 You teach best what you most need to learn.
58335 You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
58337 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
58339 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
58340 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
58341 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
58343 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
58344 to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
58345 make really big Zorkmids."
58347 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
58348 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
58350 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
58352 You too can wear a nose mitten.
58354 You tread upon my patience.
58355 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
58357 You two ought to be more careful--
58358 your love could drag on for years and years.
58360 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
58361 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
58364 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
58366 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
58368 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
58370 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
58372 You will be advanced socially,
58373 without any special effort on your part.
58375 You will be aided greatly by a person
58376 whom you thought to be unimportant.
58378 You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
58379 a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
58381 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
58383 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
58385 You will be awarded some great honor.
58387 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
58389 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
58391 You will be dead within a year.
58393 You will be divorced within a year.
58395 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
58397 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
58399 You will be honored for contributing
58400 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
58402 You will be imprisoned for contributing
58403 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
58405 You will be married within a year.
58407 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
58409 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
58411 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
58413 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
58415 You will be run over by a beer truck.
58417 You will be run over by a bus.
58419 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
58421 You will be successful in love.
58423 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
58425 You will be surrounded by luxury.
58427 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
58429 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
58431 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
58433 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
58435 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
58437 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
58439 You will contract a rare disease.
58441 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
58443 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
58445 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
58447 You will find me drinking gin
58448 In the lowest kind of inn,
58449 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
58450 -- G. K. Chesterton
58452 You will forget that you ever knew me.
58454 You will gain money by a fattening action.
58456 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
58458 You will gain money by an illegal action.
58460 You will gain money by an immoral action.
58462 You will get what you deserve.
58464 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
58466 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
58468 You will have a long and boring life.
58470 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
58472 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
58474 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
58476 You will have long and healthy life.
58478 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
58480 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
58482 You will inherit millions of dollars.
58484 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
58486 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
58488 You will live to see your grandchildren.
58490 You will lose an important disk file.
58492 You will lose an important tape file.
58494 You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
58495 mayonnaise salesman.
58497 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
58499 You will never amount to much.
58500 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
58502 You will never know hunger.
58504 You will not be elected to public office this year.
58506 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
58508 You will outgrow your usefulness.
58510 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
58512 You will pass away very quickly.
58514 You will pay for your sins.
58515 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
58517 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
58519 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
58521 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
58523 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
58525 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
58527 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
58528 was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
58529 the butter upon a hot day.
58532 You will soon forget this.
58534 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
58536 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
58538 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
58539 but only because your brakes are defective.
58541 You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
58543 You will triumph over your enemy.
58545 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
58547 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
58549 You will wish you hadn't.
58551 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
58554 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
58556 You worry too much about your job.
58557 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
58559 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
58560 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
58561 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
58562 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
58563 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
58564 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
58565 yourself in this way."
58566 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
58568 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
58570 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
58571 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
58572 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
58574 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
58575 taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
58579 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
58580 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
58582 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
58585 What you always were,
58586 Which has nothing to do with,
58587 All to do, with her.
58590 You'll be called to a post requiring
58591 ability in handling groups of people.
58595 You'll feel devilish tonight.
58596 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
58598 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
58600 You'll never be the man your mother was!
58602 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
58603 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
58605 You'll wish that you had done some of the
58606 hard things when they were easier to do.
58608 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
58609 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
58610 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
58611 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
58612 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
58613 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
58614 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
58615 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
58616 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
58617 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
58618 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
58619 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
58620 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
58621 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
58622 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
58623 the defects of both.
58624 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
58626 Young men, hear an old man to whom
58627 old men hearkened when he was young.
58630 Young men think old men are fools;
58631 but old men know young men are fools.
58634 Your aim is high and to the right.
58636 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
58638 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
58639 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
58641 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
58642 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
58644 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
58646 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
58648 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
58650 Your business will assume vast proportions.
58652 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
58654 Your code should be more efficient!
58656 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
58658 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
58660 Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
58663 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
58664 ...Here's How You Can Tell
58665 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
58666 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
58667 listed 10 signs to watch for:
58668 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
58669 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
58670 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
58671 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
58672 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
58673 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
58674 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
58675 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
58676 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
58677 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
58678 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
58679 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
58680 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
58682 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
58684 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
58686 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
58687 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
58688 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
58689 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
58690 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
58691 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
58692 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
58693 seconds if we felt like it.
58694 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
58696 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
58698 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
58700 Your fault - core dumped
58702 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
58705 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
58710 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
58711 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
58712 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
58713 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
58714 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
58716 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
58717 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
58718 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
58719 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
58720 other discover your good qualities without your help.
58725 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
58726 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
58727 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
58728 and you will live all the days of your life.
58730 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
58731 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
58732 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
58733 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
58734 miss two car payments.
58736 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
58737 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
58738 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
58739 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
58740 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
58746 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
58747 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
58748 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
58749 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
58750 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
58752 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
58753 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
58754 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
58755 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
58758 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
58759 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
58760 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
58761 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
58762 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
58763 than people who work standing up.
58765 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
58766 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
58767 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
58769 Your goose is cooked.
58770 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
58772 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
58774 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
58776 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
58778 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
58780 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
58782 Your love life will be... interesting.
58784 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
58786 Your lucky color has faded.
58788 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
58790 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
58791 Watch for it everywhere.
58793 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
58794 original and the part that is original is not good.
58797 Your mind is the part of you that says,
58798 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
58799 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
58800 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
58801 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
58803 Your mind understands what you have been
58804 taught; your heart, what is true.
58806 Your mode of life will be changed for
58807 the better because of good news soon.
58809 Your mode of life will be changed for
58810 the better because of new developments.
58812 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
58814 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
58816 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
58817 Face like ice, a little bit colder
58818 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
58819 You learned in school"
58820 But I don't really see
58821 Why can't we go on as three?
58822 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
58824 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
58825 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
58827 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
58829 Your object is to save the world,
58830 while still leading a pleasant life.
58832 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
58833 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
58834 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
58835 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
58836 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
58838 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
58840 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
58842 Your password is pitifully obvious.
58844 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
58846 Your present plans will be successful.
58848 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
58850 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
58852 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
58853 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
58854 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
58855 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
58857 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
58859 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
58861 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
58863 Your step will soil many countries.
58865 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
58867 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
58869 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
58870 be relieved in a surprising manner.
58872 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
58874 Your wig steers the gig.
58877 Your wise men don't know how it feels
58878 To be thick as a brick.
58879 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
58881 Your worship is your furnaces
58882 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
58883 have molten bowels; your vision is
58884 machines for making more machines.
58885 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
58887 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
58889 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
58890 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
58892 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
58893 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
58895 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
58896 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
58898 You're all clear now, kid.
58899 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
58902 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
58904 You're already carrying the sphere!
58906 You're always thinking you're gonna be
58907 the one that makes 'em act different.
58908 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
58910 You're at the end of the road again.
58912 You're at Witt's End.
58914 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
58916 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
58918 You're definitely on their list.
58919 The question to ask next is what list it is.
58921 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
58922 -- Eldridge Cleaver
58924 You're growing out of some of your problems,
58925 but there are others that you're growing into.
58927 You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
58928 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
58931 You're never too old to become younger.
58934 You're not Dave. Who are you?
58936 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
58939 You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
58941 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
58942 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
58944 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
58946 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
58948 You're working under a slight handicap.
58949 You happen to be human.
58951 Yours is not to reason why,
58953 And when you find you have to throw
58955 Remember life as was it is,
58957 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
58958 'Till silence is but a blur.
58961 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
58963 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
58964 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
58965 -- Robert F. Kennedy
58967 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
58969 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
58970 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
58972 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
58973 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
58975 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
58976 -- George Bernard Shaw
58978 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
58980 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
58981 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
58983 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
58986 You've been Berkeley'ed!
58988 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
58990 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
58991 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
58992 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
58994 You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
58995 Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
58996 wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
58997 and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
58999 You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
59000 if only you could get a good picture of it.
59002 Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
59003 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
59005 You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
59008 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
59010 You've got to think about tomorrow!
59012 TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_
\by_
\be_
\bs_
\bt_
\be_
\br_
\bd_
\ba_
\by* yet!
59015 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
59016 (see also Computer).
59019 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
59021 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
59025 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
59028 The result of shutting down a production line.
59030 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
59031 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
59033 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
59036 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
59038 Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
59039 since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
59040 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
59042 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
59043 People are always available for work in the past tense.